All language subtitles for Cold.Turkey.1971.720p.BluRay.x264-x0r

- I wrestled with it, Mr. Grayson.

Let it roll around in my mind.

Then it hit me.

Bottom line, 20 years in public relations,

this little notion is the capper.

Puzzled, sure you are.

A little, a little background first.

(banjo playing "The Magnificent Seven" theme)

You're Hiram C. Grayson,

affectionately known as Mr. Tobacco.

You sold 13 trillion cigarettes

in your lifetime, Mr.
Grayson, 13 trillion.

Now, let's turn to Alfred
Nobel, remember him?

He invented dynamite,

maybe a hundred devices
for high explosives.

One of the great contributors
to modern warfare.

Made a billion dollars selling munitions.

You and Alf Nobel have a
lot in common, Mr. Grayson,

because you spent a
lifetime selling cigarettes,

and he spent a lifetime selling munitions.

Beginning to see the analogy?

Forget it, the question's obscure.

Let me hang a lantern on it.

You didn't remember that Nobel

made his fortune selling munitions.

I had to remind you, but why is that?

Because Alfred Nobel spent
a fraction of that fortune

creating the Nobel Peace Prize.

Get the point?

The Peace Prize never did interfere

with Mr. Nobel's business.

The world went right on buying his product

for all its wars.

Ready for the big question?

It's jumping right out
of the pan, bottom line.

- We are going to offer 25 million dollars

to some town in America that
will quit smoking for 30 days?

- Ain't we tobacco people
got trouble enough?

- Dumbest, damn, dumb
ass thing I ever heard.

Man oughta be put away coming around here

with a scheme like that.

- [Man] If you ain't a bird turd.

- We did all we're
gonna do for the public.

We offered to get outta
radio and TV now' didn't we?

- That's right, and we diversified.

- Now, what the God damn hell
does that got to do with it?

- Overlooking, overlooking,
overlooking, gentlemen.

O-V-E-R, over, overlooking.

You're overlooking one thing gentlemen.

Have you ever seen a whole
office building give up smoking?

- No, not exactly.

- A whole neighborhood?

(men chattering)

So, for 25 million dollars,
a 100 million dollars,

where are you going to find a whole town

that will give up smoking?

(men laughing)

I mean, be, be reasonable, gentlemen.

(men laughing)

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He's smiling down on us from up above ♪

♪ He's giving us all his love ♪

♪ He knows how hard we're trying ♪

♪ He hears the babies crying ♪

♪ He sees the old folks dying ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He smiling down on us from up above ♪

♪ He's giving us all his love ♪

♪ Now if you need someone to talk to ♪

♪ You can always to talk to him ♪

♪ And if you need someone to lean on ♪

♪ You can lean him ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He's smiling down on us from up above ♪

♪ And he's giving us all his love ♪

(lively piano music)

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I hear the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I hear the Lord ♪

♪ I want the world to know
that I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

♪ I love the Lord ♪

- And so my brethren, it is
time for rebirth in Eagle Rock.

Time for renewal, time for recommitment,

because I say that God's will

is being done here as never before.

I know it, I believe!

I know it, because I know
in whom I have believed.

He has blessed us, my
friends, truly blessed us.

(fly buzzing)

No, God has not abandoned us,

but rather he has a plan, a
purpose for you, his people.

Our present problem is nothing

but a preparation for things to come,

because we have been chosen,

and so let us leave
this place this morning

(Odie snoring)

where we've heard God speaking to us.

Let us leave this place
with a new affirmation

of his promise of purpose.

His commitment of concern to us all.

Let us prepare to do his will,

because with his help
we will battle against

the powers and the
principalities of darkness

that have sapped our spiritual resources.

We will fight, we will work, we will pray,

we will open up our hearts,
we will open up our eyes,

and we will catch a glimpse

of that romantic country Peru,

where the lovely city of Lima

glistens like a thousand jewels,

set beside miles of platinum beach,

which rests like a strand of yellow hair

along the lovely blue ocean.

Would you turn your hymnals to page 33?

I asked you to type up my sermon for me,

and you make me out a fool,

and don't tell me again that
it was a mistake, Natalie.

My handwriting is pure crystal.

- But I--

- I know, I know, Holiday Magazine

was lying open next to my
notes when you were typing.

Well, if that's the way
it happened, Natalie,

there's a demon in you.

An unconscious urge to destroy me.

Smile and don't slouch.

- I certainly hope you're right, Reverend.

- Thank you' thank you, I'm sure I am.

- I enjoyed the sermon, Reverend.

- Thank you, hello.

- Hello.

- [Clayton] Good morning.

Good morning.

- A real inspiration.

- Colonel, nice to have you.

See you in a moment.

- Yes.

- Good sermon, Reverend.

- Thank you.

- [Man] Oh um we'll see,
we'll see, Reverend.

- [Clayton] Right.

- Homer Watson' our chief of police,

is gonna drop you at the airport

- [Colonel] Fine, fine.

- [Quincey] Thank you for
coming out from Washington.

- [Colonel] No problem.

- [Quincey] I'll, I'll
get in first, here we are.

- Oh, that husband of yours.

God love him, he's a saint.

- Washington is of course,

terribly interested in your problem.

The Pentagon is especially interested.

Our defense industry,

by our defense industry I
don't mean the Pentagon's.

I mean the nation's defense industries.

The Pentagon' after all,

doesn't have any industrial
plants of its own.

We simply work with them.

Of course, we do work
close enough with them

to exert some degree of influence,

and we might just be able to uh,

take one of these plants
we influence and um,

move it to Eagle Rock,

but here's the thing,

the top executives in these plants,

they're tough people,

uh, retired generals,
and colonels and such.

When they move their
families into a new town

they expect first a first rate
high school, a fine library,

tip top hospitals facilities,
a good police force,

attractive shopping centers, et cetera.

Now, if you'll take Eagle
Rock and give it a new look,

kind of update the town a little,

you'll see how fast the boys
in Washington snap into action.

I don't need to remind you

that it was the previous administration

that shut down your air base.

The present administration

would've thought twice' believe me.

By the way, Reverend, I
enjoyed that sermon very much.

- [Reverend] Well, thank you.

- Particularly that
generous tribute you paid

our Latin American neighbor' Peru.

(guests chattering)

- Excuse me' Cissy.

(Cissy screams)

- Quiet, here we go, folks,
they're cuttin' the cake.

- Last week it was the Proudys.

This week it's Bob and Edna.

That's 11 families since
the first of the year.

Another year like this
and we're a ghost town.

- Dr. Proctor, we mustn't be pessimistic.

Remember what Colonel Galloway said?

- You know how much it'd take

to fix this town up the way Galloway said?

Why' millions.

- That may be, but with
God's help, we'll make it.

- Never mind his help,
let him get up his money.

- Colonel Galloway' Washington,

the whole country's got its hand out.

Something for nothing.

Nobody wants to work anymore.

Gimme this, gimme that.

Gimme you federal government.

Gimme you state government.

Gimme you city government.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

You know what I call it?

The gimme's.

- [Cissy] That Colonel was right, Mayor.

From the bank's standpoint,

if we don't attract some industry,

Eagle Rock's gonna S-O-L.

- [Quincey] Oh, I agree,
but how do we do it?

Perhaps you have a thought, Mrs. Previn.

- [Clayton] Bishop Manley.

- Hello, Clayton.

- Such a pleasant surprise to see you.

I had no idea you were
in the neighborhood.

- I was passing through on
my way back from Clermont.

Reverend Smith, you know Bud Smith.

- Oh, yes.

- Was a hundred thousand dollars
short in his building fund,

and they needed the help of
an old established arm bender.

- (chuckles) We'll leave it to you, sir.

You know, speaking of help,

did you happened to
receive the note I sent you

about the new parish up
in Dearborn, Michigan?

- Yes, I did.

My, my, I keep forgetting
the honors you've won.

In sports too.

How many athletic scholarships
were you offered' Clayton?

- Ah, three, track' baseball, basketball,

but about Dearborn.

- Quite a record of accomplishment.

- Well' thank you, Bishop.

- Thank him.

- Yes.

- You've done remarkable
well for the church too.

That first post in Cedarville,
then Windsor Locks.

That's why you were
selected for Eagle Rock,

to make it a strong
and vital parish again.

- But eh, Bishop, this
is a depressed area'

and you did mention
that parish in Dearborn.

- Oh yes, Dearborn, General
Motors country, you know?

- Yes, I know.

- Well then, perhaps a
little prayer is in order

for your success in Eagle Rock.

I know we couldn't drag you to Dearborn

before your job is finished here.

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind ♪

♪ Should old acquaintance be forgot ♪

♪ And days auld Lang syne ♪

♪ And days ♪

- [Amos] Bye Edna, have a nice time.

- [Gentleman] Have a real good time.

(Dr. Proctor coughing and hacking)

- Hi' Doc!

(Dr. Proctor coughing and hacking)

(woman coughing and hacking)

(man coughing and hacking)

(man coughing and hacking)

(woman coughing and hacking)

(man coughing and hacking)

(Letitia clears throat)

- Reverend, Reverend, come in,
come in (coughing) come in.

All right, come in, come in, Reverend.

The darndest thing I ever heard.

They were talking about it on
television a few seconds ago.

Sit down, Hugh Upson.

Here it is.

(Mrs. Wappler sneezing)

- [TV Announcer] Even more during Simmons

99th anniversary sale.

The anniversary mattress priced at 49.95

- 25 million dollars,
Valiant Tobacco Company.

- The Early-Early show?

(Mrs. Wappler sneezing)

- [TV Announcer] Danish
Modern or French Provincial.

All six items for one $148.00.

(Mrs. Wappler sneezing)

Drive now to Brin's in Mercer City

for the best bedding bargains of the year.

Open Monday, Wednesday, and
Friday nights till nine.

Easy terms, famous name brands' Brin's.

- And here it goes, shh, shh.

This is what I was telling you about.

- Hugh Upson here with The
Early-Early Show this morning,

we're talking with Mr. Merwin Wren.

Right now we'll take a station break.

- [Quincey] Oh, for.

- [TV Announcer] WNST
TV, the heart of Iowa.

- Here it goes.

- Mr. Wren, our guest this morning.

I have several questions
that have occurred to me

that I'd like to ask you,

but will you stand by
while we hear this message.

- [Quincey] No.

(Mrs. Wappler sneezing)

- [TV Announcer] Here's a
new idea in bug killers.

This adjustable bug gun,
made only by Real Kill,

gets into places where
bugs hide and breed.

(Mrs. Wappler sneezing)

Make it easy to spray basements, closets,

and other hard to reach places

to kill roaches, ants,
water bugs, silverfish,

crickets, spiders, wasps,
scorpions, and other bugs.

See how much more liquid you
get with the new Real Kill gun

than from the old container?

Over two times more.

Enough to really bug proof your home.

Save the gun and reuse it
on economical switchbacks.

Both at your grocer now.

(Mrs. Wappler sneezes)

It's a killer.

- Here it is, here it is' this is it.

- This is Thursday, The Early-Early Show.

The time, 17 minutes after
the hour, I'm Hugh Upson,

and we were talking to
Mr. Mervin' Merwin Wren

of the Valiant Tobacco Company,

who this morning announced the gift

of a tax free 25 million
dollars to the city in America,

which can give up smoking for 30 days.

- Huh, 25 million dollars' huh?

- Mr. Wren, isn't this an
amazing and unprecedented gesture

for a tobacco company to make?

- You want it from the old I. Coeur?

Extraordinary, extraordinary gesture.

In my opinion, what Mr.
Hiram Grayson has done today

ranks with the greatest
humanitarian deeds of all time.

- I don't know why,

but I'm reminded of Alfred
Nobel and the Nobel Peace Prize.

- An interesting analogy.

- Well' you seem quite moved Mr. Wren.

- Bottom line, Mr. Upman, I'm overcome.

This may be the greatest
thing since creation.

- Upson, thank you, Mr. Wren.

- This could be the answer
to all our problems.

What do you think' Reverend?

- Mayor, I don't like I told
you so's, but you remember,

I did say he was preparing
us for a purpose.

(Mrs. Wappler sneezes)

- Give up smoking?

- Give up smoking?

- I can't.

- You pledge only to give
up smoking for 30 days.

Now, there it is, the pledge.

30 days, that's all,

and look what we get.

25 million dollars for Eagle Rock.

Let's see what we can accomplish.

- No, I won't give up
smoking, no' no' no, no.

- I will sign first, I will sign first.

Just sign here.

- That's it, I'm gonna stop smoking.

- No, I can't do it.

- [Quincey] Look, you've
got to sign your name.

You've got to set an
example for the community.

- I can't and I won't.

- I want you to sign this book.

- No!

- To say that Wall Street is surprised

by the specter of the tobacco company,

offering to spend 25 million dollars

in the fight against smoking
is an understatement indeed,

but the big question tonight

is how many towns across
America will take the pledge,

and then how many will be able to keep it?

Expressions ranging from
approval to outright cheering

for Mr. Hiram C. Grayson's
magnanimous gesture

have been coming in from public leaders

from New York to California.

- We want people all over this land

to sense the greatness of
this moment to participate in.

- I think it's a rather very
significant development.

- The funny thing is it's
good from every angle.

It's good business.

- The is really the American way.

- I'm very proud of it.

- It doesn't excite me to the extent

that I would go out and
beat the drum for it.

- Prevailing opinion holds
that Mr. Hiram Grayson, at 92,

is joining such notable
benefactors of mankind

as Andrew Carnegie, Joseph Pulitzer,

Henry Ford, and Alfred Nobel.

I wondered whether the heads
of the other tobacco companies

would agree with that assessment,

so I flew down to
Charlotte, North Carolina,

and talked to the president
of the United Tobacco Company.

Mr. Kandiss, Mr. Kandiss,

how did you react to the announcement

of the Valiant Tobacco Company.

- Badly' very badly.

Now, you leave me the (beep) alone.

- David Chetley,
Charlotte, North Carolina.

(upbeat orchestral music)

- Among the towns struggling to qualify

for the Cold Turkey Project,

only Eagle Rock, Iowa, population 4,006,

has topped the 70% mark
among smokers who signed up.

Sources say the credit for
this is due to one man,

the Reverend Clayton Brooks

of the Eagle Rock Community Church.

If indeed Eagle Rock does make it,

Reverend Brooks will be quite a hero.

- (clears throat) All right, Natalie,

something's bothering you.

I've always made it a point

to be frank and open with you, my dear.

(coughing) Don't slouch, dear.

So, when you have something on your mind

I expect you to speak out.

- I, I--

- You look at me so strangely, Natalie.

It's almost as if you,
you doubted my work here.

- Oh, I--

- You do believe people should
stop smoking, don't you?

Then it's my motives you doubt.

- Well--

- Natalie, Natalie, how
can you possibly doubt?

- I--

- Everywhere you look you
see God's spirit at work.

You see a revitalization of faith.

A new dedication.

A vast consecration.

This is his work, Natalie.

I'm only doing his bidding.

You see that, don't you?

- I--

- Good, good.

Isn't it nice we can
talk these things out?

- Hello Americans' Paul Hardly.

While any American city

would welcome a 25
million dollar windfall.

Any town wishing to qualify
must have 100% of the population

signed, sealed, and delivered

to the 30 Day No Smoking
Pledge at midnight June 1.

As the deadline approaches,

the question we hear again and again is

is there a town in such
dire economic straights

as to be able to exhort this sacrifice

from it's citizenry cold turkey?

Paul Hardly, good day.

- And I know what you
heavy smokers are thinking.

You tried to quit and it's hopeless,

but this time I tell
you you've got a reason.

You think you're the only ones

being asked to make a sacrifice.

Well, all right, all right,

but I also ask you to
consider it in this light.

You're the only ones being
given an opportunity to serve.

By your courage, by your
discipline, by your strength,

you're given the opportunity
to serve your fellow man,

your community, your
family, and yourselves,

and another thing,

when Eagle Rock has
its 25 million dollars,

when Eagle Rock has its economic security,

when Eagle Rock has its industry,

when all that's all over,

you will still have something
to thank almighty God for,

your life, your good health,
your physical well-being.

- Yes, yes, it's easy enough
for you to talk, Reverend,

it's no skin off your nose.

(crowd chattering)

I mean' you don't smoke!

- [Woman] You tell him, Letitia!

(crowd chattering)

- All right, Letitia, (coughing).

I used smoke, I used to smoke.

My wife, Natalie' used to smoke,

but then I found the good book,

which tells us that our bodies

are the temples of the Holy Spirit,

and that we should glorify
him when our bodies.

You know, that's 1st
Corinthians, Chapter 6.

- Yes, all I'm saying is
that you have forgotten

what your asking us to give up,

and it isn't fair!

- [Woman] You bet it isn't!

- Letitia, you may be the one

who's forgotten something very important.

(crowd gasps)

- [Lady] Whatcha gonna
do with it' Reverend?

(townsfolk chuckling)

- [Man] You gonna take a puff, Reverend?

- All right, Letitia,

I don't know if an old
habit can be recultivated.

Tell you what I'll do.

Letitia, if you'll walk over there

and sign that book' I'll try.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

(upbeat orchestral music)

- I'll do it, Reverend!

I'll do it for Eagle Rock!

- There's just one day to go

before Project Cold
Turkey is due to begin,

and at this moment,

no city in America has succeeded

in getting all of its residents

to sign the No Smoking Pledge.

Closest with approximately
98% of its residents signed

is little Eagle Rock, population 4,006.

With so little time, one wonders,

can Eagle Rock marshal
its hardcore holdouts?

- Now Doc, let's get down to cases?

Are you gonna sign up
to quit smoking or not?

- Oh well, now, as a fellow member

of the council, Miss Berman,

I'm uh, I'm with this thing
in spirit all the way,

but as a doctor and a surgeon,

my medical opinion is
that I'm congenitally

unable to uh give up smoking.

Congenitally, you understand
that means there's uh,

there's nothing I can do about it,

so um, it really isn't
going to be any good

to kid me, Miss Berman, about foreclosing

on my hospital and my x-ray.

- Who's kidding?

- Why, surely you don't mean
that you and your bank--

- Now, you just sign up,

or you're gonna be removing
gallstones in your bathtub.

- Miss Berman' that's blackmail.

- You say that word
again and I'll cry rape.

- Shh, shh.

- Now, you just sign up,

and get your nervous
little body outta here.

(Dr. Proctor murmuring)

Reverend, the Lord's business is done.

Now, do I have that plot
in the church cemetery?

- Stop smoking, you might as
well ask me to stop breathing.

- Well, you have that
wrong, Mr. Stopworth.

To continue smoking is to stop breathing.

- That's a very interesting
play on words' Mr. Brooks.

You men of the cloth sure
have a way with words.

How old do you think I am?

- (clears throat) Oh, 42.

- I'm 42, look, I'm, I'm gonna
confess something to you.

I tipple Mr. Brooks.

I mean, I drink.

I mean, I drink all the time.

(bottles clinking)

Shocks you, doesn't it?

You better stand up.

I'm afraid I might fall on you.

The thing is I can't stop drinking, see.

That's just the thing about me.

I can't stop drinking.

You except that, don't you?

- Mm, certainly.

- No matter what happens
when you leave here,

I will always drink, thank you.

Now, all right, if you
can understand that,

you can also understand that my drinking

is directly connected to my smoking.

You know what, when I say directly,

I mean that as a thing,
a, a physical thing

that is directly connected

from my liquor buds to the
smoke pouch in my lungs.

If you want me to quit smoking
you're gonna have to cut,

I mean, you'd have to
physically cut that thing,

and when you do my head's gonna fall off.

Do you understand, Reverman?

The booze bone is connected
to the smoke bone,

and the smoke bone is
connected to the head bone,

and that's the word of the Lord.

- Mr. Stopworth, we've
been talking for an hour,

and I can't convince you.

You see, Mr. Stopworth,
we have about six hours,

and something like 30
odd signatures to go.

Now, I know that it's
hard to stop smoking.

(Mr. Stopworth scoffs)

I suppose the withdraw
causes a lot of pain.

You don't like pain, do you?

The whole town is depending
on this, I'm sorry.

- What're you doing?

- Maybe you are not aware, Mr. Stopworth,

that I was intercollegiate middle-weight

boxing champion in my school days.

- You mean' you're kidding?

You can't do that, you're a man of God.

- And his work must be done.

- I don't believe this.

Well, I believe it a little bit.

- Now, you can stop smoking
for 30 days, can't you?

- I don't think so.

I'm gonna call the police.

- Homer Watson's on our side.

- Well, I'm gonna call the Doctor.

- Dr. Proctor signed the pledge.

- I could go away for a month.

Who said that?

That's a wonderful idea.

I don't have to stay here.

I have a place in French Lick.

Oh, thank you.

Now, you don't have to hit me.

God bless you, Reverman.

- Now, follow me.

Ready, set, go!

- [All] I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America,

and to the republic for which it stands,

one nation under God' indivisible,

with liberty and justice for all.

- Well now, folks, got a big
surprise for you tonight.

Our guest speaker is from
way down in Muncy, Alabama,

and he needs very little introduction

to the members of the
Christopher Mott Society.

He is a retired rear admiral
in the United States Navy,

former board chairman of the
Hustings Chemical Corporation,

and author of the best selling,

Hello Big Government,
Goodbye America (chuckles).

(audience murmuring)

Here he is then' two time winner

of the Minutemen's Americanism Award,

a great hero, a great American,

ladies and gentlemen,

I give you Rear-Admiral
Nelson Steinschweiger.

(audience applauding)

- [Nelson] Thank you, thank
you, thank you very much

for that kind introduction,

and good evening ladies and gentlemen.

- [All] Good evening.

- Here we are, that's
Admiral Steinschweiger.

A wonderful speaker, 595 record.

A pleasure to have him in my home.

- Amos, we must talk to you.

- Amos, practically the whole town

has signed up for the Cold Turkey Project.

- All, but 29 people.

- The 29 members of the
Christopher Mott Society,

and Amos, your members don't smoke.

- Well, even if we don't smoke,

we don't want you telling us what to do.

There's enough big government

messing in our individual affairs.

- Big government, Amos, Eagle
Rock pays me $800.00 a year.

The city's Mayor comes to my barber shop.

That's big government?

- Individual initiative has been

the backbone of this country.

A man's home is his castle.

I fight poverty, I work.

I was never one of those that
said Eisenhower was a commie.

- Amos, each smoker in Eagle Rock

is taking the initiative to stop smoking.

Now, isn't that what you're talking about?

- Well, what about the non-smoker?

What's he doing while the others

are using their individual initiative?

- Well, he's uh, taking the
initiative too, he's observing.

- Checking to see that no
cigarettes come into town.

- Yes, reporting violations perhaps.

- Reporting violations?

You mean like uh, policing the situation?

- Yes, I suppose so.

- Could I wear a cap?

Can my people wear armbands?

- Why not?

(chuckles) Thank you, gentlemen,

for that most interesting proposal.

I will present it to the members

of the Christopher Mott Society.

We'll discuss it openly and
in our democratic tradition,

we'll vote on it.

I think the armbands
will be yellow and red.

- [Nelson] That dark and dank conspiracy.

Thank you, thank you
Admiral Steinschweiger

for that most inspirational talk.

Members of the Christopher Mott Society,

something has just come up.

("The Stars and Stripes Forever")

- [Quincey] How you doing?

- [Woman] Hi, Mayor, hi, Mrs. Wappler!

- [Dr. Proctor] Good evening, Reverend!

- [Clayton] How ya doing, Doc?

- [Gentleman] Hi, Mayor!

("The Stars and Stripes Forever")

- [Man] Nice to see you there, Homer!

("The Stars and Stripes Forever")

- How about we made it!

(crowd cheering)

Well, at least me made it to the contest.

The Valiant people have been notified.

(crowd cheering)

- Mayor, Mayor, give me the mic.

Quiet, folks, quiet.

It's Walter Chronic, wait a minute.

They're talking about Eagle Rock.

Here' take a look at this.

- With 50 minutes to go,

at least on American town
has managed to qualify.

12 o'clock midnight all smoking will cease

in Eagle Rock, Iowa.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

- [Homer] There's more, there's more!

- The man who almost single-handedly

whipped the town into action

is the Reverend Clayton Brooks.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

Tomorrow will be their
first smokeless day.

- You said no town in
America would sign up.

- Must've uh, must've
gotten a wire crossed there.

- Now, you'll say they
won't go threw with it.

- Bottom line, never.

- How do you know they
won't smoke and hide out?

How do you know that, Wren?

- Well, they uh, they took
an oath on uh, like a bible.

- We didn't think it
was on a slab of bacon.

- I trust you're doing something

to make sure they won't smoke in private?

- Wire number two.

- Tell me something, boy,

are you figuring to cross a third wire?

- No, sir.

- Good, 'cause if you do,

we're gonna have your head on a platter,

and your dumb ass in a deep freeze.

(truck engine humming)

(bell tolling)

(Mrs. Proctor laughing)

(bell tolling)

- Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Well, it's almost 6 a.m.
out there in Eagle Rock.

Beginning of a big, big, day, huh?

- All right, men, we got
a big job here today.

Big responsibility and I'm
gonna tell you what it is.

Here's what it is.

We gotta see that no cigars, cigarettes,

or pipe tobacco get into Eagle Rock.

We are running a blockade here,

and that means we got
to stop every vehicle,

and we got to search every vehicle.

Now is, is that clear?

Any questions?

You should've taken care of
that before you got here.

We don't supply toilet
facilities on a blockade.

(Payton and Natalie coughing)

- Edna, Edna, you've
gotta control yourself.

You can't go on eating like this.

It's only the first day,

and that's your fifth piece of toast,

your fifth piece of salami,
and your eighth gherkin.

- It's my sixth slice
of salami, six slices.

One, two, three, four,
five, sixth slice of salami.

Then next it'll be my seventh,

and this is my 11th gherkin.

I had five gherkins before I
decided to wrap them in salami,

and this is my second carrot.

That's two carrots, six slices
of salami, and 11 gherkins,

and I haven't counted the cheese,

and it isn't even seven o'clock yet!

Do you hear that?

It's not even seven o'clock (crying)!

- Come on, let's go, let's go!

Oh, my God, I'm coming apart!

(horn blowing)

Hey you, where the devil
do you think you're going?

Did I give you the signal?

Shut up, I don't give a
damn what you've gotta say!

Next time you wait for
my cigarette, uh signal!

Okay, now go!

Who the hell do you people
think you are anyway?

- Maxine, look darling, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to yell at you.

(chuckles) Listen, dear,
I'll tell you why I called.

Last night I went to sleep at 11:30.

You know, about a half an hour

before we were all suppose
to stop smoking (chuckles).

Yeah well, anyway, this
morning I realized,

I have another half hour coming to me,

and I just wanted to
smoke one last cigarette,

and well' silly thing that I am, I um,

I threw everyone of them out (laughing).

Yes, (laughing).

Oh yes, I know you threw yours away too.

Listen, Maxine, uh, do you remember

that box I gave you last week?

Ah, yeah, the old things
for the rummage sale.

Well, there were three
old pocketbooks in there,

and if you could just um, put
your hands on them right away,

you just might find a cigarette or two

in one of those old
pocketbooks (laughing)' yeah.

Huh, yeah, well of
course I took the pledge.

No, you see, I have this
other half hour coming.

Well, I do too!

Oh, now listen, Maxine,

I don't wanna hear that
holier than thou, not from.

Maxine, Maxine, don't
you dare hang up on me!

Son of a bitch.

(whimsical orchestral music)

- T. T. Logenberry, the name--

- Now, you just hold on a minute.

I don't know you.

I never saw you before
and you never saw me.

Now, let's get one thing
straight right now.

You play ball with me,
I'll play ball with you.

You want trouble, I'll give you trouble.

It's up to you.

Now, you got any cigars, cigarettes,

or pipe tobacco in there?

- I searched the rear, he's clean.

- Odie Turman, what're you doing here?

I told you last night
you're too old to do this.

- You can't have too much help

ferreting out them communists.

- Odie, we're not
ferreting out communists.

We're looking for cigarettes.

- Oh, so What, the red devils.

Where's my pistol?

- You can't have a pistol.

- Well, that's a bullshit.

You've got a pistol.

- Odie, I am, I am running this blockade,

and I am also the leader of
the entire No Smoking Patrol,

and I wear the only pistol.

- I'll tell that to a
communists when he H-bombs me.

I'll tell him before you H-bomb me,

you go over to that man with
the gun and get captured.

You're a bullshit, Amos Bush.

- Come over man, Christoper
Mott it, come on!

Everybody passes inspection,

and then you're welcome in Eagle Rock.

You gotta pass inspection first.

Did you get inspected?

- You're relaxed, you see,
because you're smoking.

Let the others suffer,
because they're not smoking,

but not you, Doctor.

Take another puff, because
you are still smoking.

Feel the smoke curling
in front of your eyes.

Does it make your eyes tear?

Yes, yes.

Watch your ash.

You're on fire, Doctor,

because you've dropped
your cigarette in your lap.

(Dr. Proctor grunts)

Shall we try a filter?

- Don't you move now.

With my palsy you're in enough
trouble just standing there.

- Odie, what're you doing?

Give me my gun!

- This is a communist.

Look at them cigarettes.

- I was just trying to
explain to the old lady here,

this, this car's a rental.

- Sure, and I'm an unwed mother.

- At ease, we're confiscating
those cigarettes, you know?

- Solemn word, I uh, I didn't,

didn't, didn't know about the cigarettes.

I, I suspect the, the
Avis people are just uh,

trying a bit too hard (laughing).

Well, I uh, I uh, I have
a lighter shaped, uh,

shaped just like your gun.

It's a lighter, it's not a
gun, see' there, lighter.

Thought you might uh, might
find that interesting.

(whimsical orchestral music)

(glass crashing)

- [Man] Morning' sir.

- Mr. Kandiss, the
Valiant Tobacco Company's

Cold Turkey Project is in its 11th day.

How do you feel about it now?

- I told you to leave me the (beep) alone.

(fist thuds)

- David Chetley,
Charlotte, North Carolina.

- [Freddy] Our guest today
is Dr. Royal Gunderson,

noted specialist on things,
including non-smoking.

Dr. Gunderson is here to tell us

where we can find the
release from tension,

aggravation, and frustration

that smoking once provided, Doctor.

- [Dr. Gunderson] Well, Teddy.

- [Freddy] Freddy.

- [Dr. Gunderson]
Actually, I can recommend

many health substitutes
for the new non-smoker.

- [Freddy] Such as?

- [Dr. Gunderson] Exercise
for example is very nice,

or hard physical labor.

- [Freddy] Uh huh.

- [Dr. Gunderson] Or to
the married non-smoker,

I often suggest another compensation.

The act of physical love.

- [Freddy] You don't mean?

- [Dr. Gunderson] Yes, I do mean that,

and I hope it's all right
to say on the radio.

The act of physical love.

- [Freddy] Yes, well then Doctor,

you recommend exercise,
hard physical labor, and it.

- [Dr. Gunderson] It, yes,
the act of physical love.

- [Freddy] As a substitute

for the oral gratification of smoking?

- [Dr. Gunderson] Indeed
I do, and of the three,

the thing that really works best,

and here I stress this is
for the married non-smoker.

- [Freddy] Well, we have
to wrap this up, Doctor.

- [Dr. Gunderson] Well, I
say to all in hearsight,

as it were of my voice,

when you stop smoking don't
overeat as so many people do.

I really hate that.

Don't reach for food
when you need a smoke.

Reach instead for that loving helpmate,

that husband, that wife,

and indulge your appetite there.

- All right, no stopping here, keep going!

(hands thuds)

(cars thudding)

- [Quincey] Hey, what the?

(cars thudding)

Stop that!

(cars thudding)

- Hello, Wren here.

Only been here a few days.

Here's the fill.

The town is falling apart!

- [Woman] When I said
come home now, I mean it!

- They're at each others throats.

Wanna know what you gotta worry about?

Nothing, I give the whole
project three more days, tops.

- [Lady] Shit' God damn shopping bags!

- Wren here, O and O.

- [Lady] I hate you, I hate you!

- It's uh, over and out.

- Oops!

(head thudding)

(ice cream squishing)

(water splashing)

(chair thudding)

(hand thuds)

(pins crashing)

(dog squealing)

(glass crashing)

- It's Dr. Proctor,

he's in the operating
room at the hospital,

and he has a cigarette.

- Call the hospital.

Have them plug me into
the loud speaker system.

Do you understand?

Is the police car downstairs?

- Yeah.

- [Cissy] What is it, what's the matter?

- Beck, call me in Homer's squad car.

You have that?

- Right.

- It's Dr. Proctor.

- [Homer] Let's get him.

- Cissy, Cissy, hurry.

- [Cissy] Wait a minute.

- [Quincey] There you go.

Hurry, just please, hurry!

- [Cissy] Homer, I only
hope it isn't too late.

- [Quincey] It won't be,
I tell ya, it won't it.

- [Cissy] Oh, Dr. Proctor,
I know he'd crack.

- [Quincey] Shh.

(siren wailing)

- [Beck] Reverend Brooks, Reverend Brooks,

I have Dr. Proctor on the line now.

- Dr. Proctor, Dr. Proc, Dr.
Proctor, can you hear me?

- This is his nurse, he can
hear you, he can hear you.

- Doctor, don't light that cigarette.

We're only four blocks away.

Nurse, can he hear me?

- He hears you, he hears you.

- Well Doctor, God won't tempt
you beyond your strength.

Pray with me now, Doctor.

Our Father who art in heaven,
hallowed be your name.

- He lit a match!

- Blow it out, nurse!

- Get out!

(crashing sounds)

- [Quincey] Hurry Cissy,
would you hurry, please.

- [Clayton] I'm here, Doc.

- [Cissy] We're here to help you.

- [Homer] Hold him, nurse.

- [Clayton] I'm here!

- [Homer] Don't Doctor,
don't light that cigarette!

- [Clayton] Be strong, Doc.

- [Letitia] We're here.

- [Quincey] One second more.

- [Homer] Don't light
it, Doc, I'm warning you.

- [Quincey] This way, Cissy.

(heels thudding)

(door thuds)

- Doc, no.

- Stay where you are, Reverend.

- Homer, what're you doing with that gun?

Doctor, you mustn't.

- Reverend, my family has a
long history of hypertension.

I had two aunts who blew their corks,

and a sister who's liable
to go at any moment.

The only thing that's held
me together is smoking.

Now, you can believe me when I say

one more day of this and
psst, it's hello sis.

- Duck!

(all gasp)

- Stay right where you are.

- Doc, now listen to me.

You're stronger than you think, Doc.

God didn't call you to
destroy, but to heal.

- That's right, and I'm
going to heal right now,

but I've never, I've never operated

without having a cigarette first.

- For God's sakes let him smoke.

- All right, who's smoking?

- Quiet, Amos.

Homer, that gun.

Doc, the cigarette now.

Hand it to me.

- Here's a scalpel.

- If he takes one puff we're done for.

- Amos, quiet.

Homer, you can put that gun away.

Doctor, I'm gonna walk over there,

and I'm gonna take that
cigarette away from you.

- Then you come at your own risk.

- Take it easy, Reverend.

- Give it to me, Doctor.

- Stay away from me, I warn you.

- I'm coming after that cigarette.

- Not another step, Reverend.

(all chattering)

- Nurse, get over here, nurse!

(all chattering)

- It's Walter Chronic.

- [Quincey] Walter Chronic.

- [All] Walter Chronic.

- Walter Chronic.

- That's Walter Chronic.

(all chattering)

- [Quincey] Mr. Chronic.

- [Amos] It's a great pleasure
to make your acquaintance.

- [Quincey] Welcome to
our city of Eagle Rock.

(all chattering)

- [Homer] I'm Homer.

(all chattering)

- [Man] It's David Chetley.

- It's David Chetley.

- It's David Chetley.

- [All] It's David Chetley.

(gavel pounding)

- Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Now, the next order of business
before the town meeting

is the Cutty Sark sign.

Some people seem to feel that
it may be a little too large.

(crowd chattering)

To be democratic about it,

let's hear from our new
Cold Turkey Treasurer.

Madam Treasurer.

(crowd applauding)

- Oh uh, thank you, Mr. Mayor.

(all laughing)

Well, the Cutty Sark people are willing

to pay a small fortune to
put that sign on the square.

I have the figures right here someplace.

Oh Lord, well listen, I better
give you the total figure.

Between Pabst, Pepsi-Cola,
Reed's Ice Cream'

Seamly, Ladenform, and all the others,

we got a nice $186,000.00 and change.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

Plus, all the members of the council

are all driving General Motors cars.

- Thank you, Madam Treasurer.

Very nice, thank you, thank you.

Please, please, take it easy.

All right now,

I think maybe we'll compromise
on the Cutty Sark sign,

and put it off where it
won't be too prominent.

Now, the next order of business

is Mr. Douglas Truesdale
from Hollywood, California.

Mr. Truesdale is here seeking permission

to film his new movie, Kiss Me, Hungry,

right here in Eagle Rock, huh.

(crowd applauding)

(Douglas laughing loudly)

(whimsical orchestral music)

- Welcome to Eagle Rock now.

Welcome to Eagle Rock.

Move 'em on out, move 'em on out.

Welcome to Eagle Rock.

Welcome to Eagle Rock.

Non-smoking capital of the
United States of America!

Right here for inspection, please.

You gotta be checked to tobacco products.

- [Homer] Keep it going.

- Hey Chief, where's Main Street?

- You're on it, Mister.

Hurry up there, move along there.

- Looks larger on television, doesn't it?

- [Homer] Yeah, I noticed that.

- Where's a good place to spend the night?

- How many, just the two of you?

- Yeah, that's right.

- Yeah, I know a real
farm that will put you up.

Ah, 15 bucks a head and that
includes juice in the morning.

There's the address.

- Thanks' thanks a lot.

- [Woman] A farm, I'm not gonna
stay on any God damn farm.

- Tell my wife I'll be home at seven.

- Right here is where you get
your souvenirs at Eagle Rock.

Right over here, come look them over.

We got everything!

See what you'd like to take home!

- [Doll Salesman] Step inside
to see the Cold Turkey doll.

She smokes and she talks.

She talks and she smokes.

Made right here in Eagle Rock.

Get your Cold Turkey doll here.

- [Doll] I love you.

Smoking gives you cancer.

- Get your maps of the homes
of the officials of the city.

These maps will take you
right to the Mayor's home.

They'll take you right
to the Minister's home.

See our famous minister.

- All right folks, step right
up and have your picture taken

with one of the great town leaders here.

They're only a dollar
and a half, two for 298!

Step right up now!

We've got Mayor Wappler
over here on your left,

and that's Dr. Proctor on the right!

Step right up folks and
have your picture taken

with all the great town leaders here!

- [Harold] Eagle Rock, where's you head?

- [Dennis] Eagle Rock's going ape!

- [Martha] It's all over, over 30!

- [Harold] Eagle Rock, where's your head?

- [Dennis] Eagle Rock's going ape!

- [Young Man] Make sense, not money!

- [Martha] It's all over, over 30!

- Harold, Martha, Dennis,
what's going on here?

Dennis, what do you
kids think you're going?

- They call it protesting.

- This is wrong, Dennis.

I don't understand you kids.

Eagle Rock's moving again.

It's found itself.

It's found its pride.

Don't you realize
everyone stopped smoking.

Do you the self-sacrifice?

- Eagle Rock, where's your head.

- This is terrible.

Do you kids realize there
are TV crews in this town?

Has your whole generation
lost its sense of civic duty?

Well, has it, answer me!

- [Martha] It's all over, over 30!

(sign thuds)

(light organ music)

♪ O God, our help in ages past ♪

♪ Our hope for years to come ♪

♪ Our shelter from the stormy blast ♪

♪ And our eternal home ♪

(Letitia giggling)

♪ Under the shadow of Thy throne ♪

- [Jerry] Okay Bob, let's
clear the head count.

Ready camera two.

♪ Sufficient is Thine arm alone ♪

♪ And our defense is sure, amen ♪

- My sermon for this morning
is particularly relevant.

- [Jerry] Hold it, hold it!

I'm sorry, Reverend.

Arnie, we didn't get a clear
shot of the Reverend that time.

- What, do you wanna take it again, Jerry?

- [Jerry] Yeah.

- Okay, ah, all right, Rev,
let's take it from the top, huh.

The oh God, I help in ages pass bit,

and when you do the spiel at the pulpit,

can you kinda cheat it to
your right a little, please?

- This is a church service.

It was to be photographed
without interruption.

(congregation chattering)

- I know, I know, baby, I
know it was uncouth, okay.

Hey, settle, hey, hey, hey, boy.

Hey, you ready, Rev?

- [Jerry] Arnie, get him
off to his right, will ya?

- All right, Jerry.

Okay Rev, cheat it out this way.

You can work from the right of the pulpit.

Good boy, okay.

Foot and foot.

Okay folks, this is it.

Now, everybody rise, up, up, up, up.

Good group, good group.

Now look, you're singing
your hearts out, right?

Now, you dig the hymn and the words

that the Reverend is laying on you, okay?

So, let's make it real.

Make it live, all right.

Ah, Jerry, ah, Eagle
Rock at work and prayer.

Pick up one, take one.

(light organ music)

♪ O God, our help in ages past ♪

♪ Our hope for years to come ♪

♪ Our shelter from the stormy blast ♪

♪ And our eternal home ♪

- Now, you listen to me, Wren,
and you listen to me good.

It ain't just the Valiant Tobacco Company

that's talking to you now, boy,

or the United Tobacco Company.

It's the whole damn tobacco industry.

Are you listening to me' boy?

- This Cold Turkey crap has
gotten outta hand, Mister.

- Y'all got half the world
praying for Eagle Rock,

the other half threatening to quit smoking

just outta sympathy.

- And it ain't the 25 million dollars

we're trying to save now, Wren.

It's every tobacco
company in the business.

Wren' are you listening to us?

(hand thuds)

- We oughta have our
own observers out there.

You know, people who
wanna catch those smokers.

- Wren, how many smokers
were there in Eagle Rock?

That's how many observers you'll need.

I mean, you'll glue one observer

to every one of them smokers.

And you hear me good now, Wren.

You catch us a smoker in Eagle Rock.

- Bottom line?

- Wren, if you bottom line me once more,

I'll choke you with my bare hands!

- You'll get your observers.

(lively orchestral music)

- What do you mean you were sent here

to help police this project?

We don't need your help in Eagle Rock!

We got a thing called self-help!

So, you can just turn this
overgrown coffee pot around,

and take it back to your big
city and your big government,

and tell them they know what
they can do with their help!

- This is a takeover, ain't it?

- Everything's under control, Odie.

- It's all a big bullshit.

(men sneering)

- Damn it to hell, Odie.

How many times do I have to
tell you to leave my gun alone?

- Look here fella, we
gotta get through here.

I've got my orders.

- No, you got my orders.

My orders is what you got.

- Shoot that communist, Amos.

Better dead than red.

- Ah, come on, Odie.

- And after what he
done to Czechoslovakia.

- Now, I'm telling you right now.

- Get your Eagle Rock balloons
right here, authentic!

- Get your money now.

There's not a lot of hats.

Hey, keep walking, will ya?

- I got a right to the sidewalk too!

- Get your hats!

- Everybody out, come on, everybody out.

- Of course, of course a
lot has been going on here.

Eagle Rock has been doing
quite well, excuse me.

- Thank you, Reverend.

- Oh Reverend, may I have
my picture taken with you?

Cliff, come and take our picture.

- Right here' come on.

- Reverend Brooks, remember me?

Colonel Galloway, Washington.

- Oh, yes.

- Say, you folks sure
have come a long way.

The White House wants you to
know it's proud' real proud.

As a matter of fact,

we've been wondering how we might tie in,

oh, to help you, Reverend.

- Well yes, we'll certainly think it over.

Thank you very much, sir.

- Oh, but Reverend Brooks.

(kids chattering)

- One size fits everybody, Reverend.

You're the guy that started it all.

- [Bishop Manley] Hello, Clayton.

- Bishop Manley.

- I was just passing through
on my way to Bradford.

We're laying the foundation
for the new seminary there.

- Bradford's Route 202.

You must be 30 miles out of your way.

- When I'm alone I
shall curse my road map.

I've taken a tour of the town,

and I've seen what's happening here.

- Yes, Bishop, I, (clears throat)

I think I know what you're going to say.

- It's not difficult to recall
the spirit of the community

the last time I was here,

but now, this vitality, this energy.

- This greed, this avarice.

- This unity of purpose.

- This anything for a buck.

- This Time Magazine.

It's just out.

Say we won't lose you to the movies.

(Clayton chuckles)

- I tell ya Clayton, in
sports, in scholarship,

there are many ways to measure success,

but in the God business,

I can't think of anything bigger
than this, congratulations.

- Bishop, aren't we forgetting--

- Certainly, but we've got to look

at the whole picture, Clayton.

The church is bigger than
Eagle Rock, you know?

There's a whole world out
there that sees nothing,

but this, this symbol of
practical and moral leadership.

It is reserved for few to know

that symbols are sometimes composed

of two parts dung and
one part inspiration.

- Yes, well I haven't been stepping in

much inspiration lately.

- But, is it fair to deny

the rest of humanity the inspiration

simply because your shoes
are a little scuffed?

Oh, Clayton, you may have
reached your impossible dream,

Dearborn that is.

- [Picture salesman]
Get your pictures here

with one of these great Americans.

(footsteps)

- Clayton, milk and cookies?

- No, thank you.

- It's so late, where were you?

- Where I am now, Natalie,
where I always am, with him.

- Clayton, I wanna talk to you, Clayton.

- Natalie, do you wanna talk to me?

Well, speak up.

You can always talk to me.

You know that.

- No, please, don't turn the light on.

All right, fine.

Clayton, about Eagle Rock.

- Well, what about Eagle Rock?

Natalie, now, what about Eagle Rock?

- How will it profit the town

to gain the whole world
and lose its own soul?

- You quoted scripture to me.

Did you hear yourself, Natalie?

You quoted scripture to me.

Tried to trap me with my very own words.

- I thought they were
God's words, Clayton?

- Now you're trying to
trap me with semantics,

and you're slouching again, Natalie.

- No, that won't work this time' Clayton.

For once I'm standing up to you.

You know what we've become in this town?

A pack of monsters.

You know what that makes you?

A monster maker.

There, I've said it.

- Monster maker, hmm?

Like who, Natalie?

The president, Winston
Churchill, like Jonas Salk?

Albert Schweitzer, Pope
Pius, Pope Paul, Pope John?

Who else do you know, Natalie,
who made the cover of Time?

Don't slouch, Natalie.

(Natalie screaming)

(car horns)

- [Amos] Welcome to Eagle Rock,

Non-smoking capital of the
United States of America!

Hold it, hold it!

Wait here for inspection, please, hold it.

You gotta be checked for tobacco products.

[Technician] I want camera two
on that highest parallel.

[Technician] Watch the camera, watch the camera.

(council members chattering)

- I don't care what you think anymore.

Reverend, will you please.

- [Amos] I don't think
that's very funny, Quincey.

- Folks, folks, please.

- I don't know what she wants
more, a football field--

- You are trying to tell me

what a first class high
school needs (chuckles)?

I say you've got nothing

unless you have an A-1 theater
and an indoor swimming pool.

- And I say poppycock.

My high school didn't have a theater

or an indoor swimming pool,

and if I do say so myself,

I didn't turn out half bad.

- And you didn't turn
out half good either.

- Now, what kind of a remark is that?

I thought we weren't supposed so personal

in a town council meeting.

- Now, we have got to
repave around my bank.

I put in the acquisition.

- I don't see why I can not have

an extra $600,000.00 for my high school.

After all, uh, he's asking
for twice that amount

for his ridiculous thing.

- My ridiculous thing happens
to be an Americanism Center

right here in Eagle Rock,

and I'll tell you this
one thing right now.

When it comes to my Americanism Center,

love it or leave it!

- How very rude you are, Amos Bush!

Now, I say he's got to apologize.

(gavel pounding)

I want him to apologize to me.

(council members chattering)

- Ladies and gentlemen,

please, please, this is unworthy of us.

This is hardly Eagle Rock behavior.

- The Mayor's right.

- Thank you.

- I think it's most important

for all of us to remember friends,

that Eagle Rock has become

a source of inspiration to this nation.

- Oh, the world.

- That's true, and I don't think

we can start spending 29 million dollars

when all we're gonna
have is 25, now can we?

- Now, let's stick with
first things first,

like the safety and
protection of our citizens.

- Yes, yes, he's speaking of the new

four million dollar hospital.

- The hell you say, I'm talking about

the new two million dollar police station.

- No, no, no, there's got to be

a new four million dollar hospital.

After what I've been through,

and I want it named after me too.

The Doctor Proctor Hoctor.

The Hoctor General Proctor.

The Hospitoctor of Doctor Proctor Proctor.

Doctor Proctor Hoctor, The
Hoctor, The Hoctor Proctor.

- Why doesn't he pull himself together?

- Oh, Wilma, please.

- It's these last few days,

they're worst than the first ones,

just knowing he's gonna
be able to smoke again.

- Yeah well, the hell with that.

What about Main and Elm
for our new police station.

- Main and Elm?

The new municipal complex is
going out on Main and Elm.

(council members chattering)

- Folks, folks!

Can you hold it a second?

I've got some news.

I just got off the phone with Washington,

talking direct to the White House.

I've been asked to convey
this invitation to you

from the president himself.

If you can postpone the
presentation ceremony

until the day after tomorrow,

the president says you can
all come down to Washington,

and be photographed on TV

right there on the east lawn with him.

Well, you know, receiving the check.

Well, how about sharing a split
screen with the President?

Get a heck of a lot of exposure

with the President, you know?

(council members chattering)

(bell tolling)

("The Stars and Stripes Forever")

- [Man] You can't park here, Mrs.

- [David] Mr. Grayson, a few
words for our radio audience.

- No, no, get outta here.

Well, all I can say, Wren,

is somebody better damn well light up

within the next 55 minutes,

because it 12 o'clock
comes and this check goes,

Eagle Rock will be a symbol

that could crush the
whole tobacco industry.

- Gentlemen, do you wonder
why I'm not panicked?

It's very simple.

Hold on to this, and uh,

keep your eyes on the
big clock on the corner,

and repeat after me, in Wren we trust.

In Wren we trust, in Wren.

(Hiram passes gas)

- [Balloon Man] Balloons' balloons.

Get your Eagle Rock balloons right here.

- Hiya, Doc, light your cigarette.

- Ow!

- [Woman] I like your boots, Amos!

- [Man] Hi, Mr. Grayson!

- Whoa, whoa, hold the band up.

Hold the band, hold the band up.

This is, this is important
to all of you, so listen up.

Now, I've been thinking about what happens

when it comes 12 o'clock midnight.

That's in 25 minutes.

Now, there's two things
that are gonna take place.

First of all, there's a few of us

that haven't lost our taste for smokes,

and when that big hand hits 12, look out!

(all laughing)

- [Lady] Tell 'em Art!

- Now, the second this is,

and, and this is the big one.

When 12 o'clock hits,

there's gonna be 25 million
dollars coming to this town.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

I wanna say right here and now

that I don't like what's
being done with it.

- [Quincey] Hey, hey, hey!

- Now, we got 25 million dollars coming,

and I figure that if you divide it

among the 4,000 residents of Eagle Rock,

it comes to a little
over $6,000.00 a head.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

- Please, please!

- I don't know about you folks,

but I got better things
to do with $6,000.00

than donate it to the city!

- [Quincey] Please, please,
don't listen to him!

Please, don't listen, please.

- It's the communist!

- [Art] Now, I say we
take a vote right now!

- [Quincey] Please, listen to me, please!

- All those in favor to divide
the money among the people,

raise you hand, raise your hand!

- [Clayton] No, look folks, please.

(crowd chanting)

Shh, please folks!

Folks now, please listen to me.

You mustn't think of yourselves alone.

We must all think of the common good.

- The communist is out there.

- [Amos] What?

- I seen him, Amos,
he's got a gun and all.

- Oh, Odie!

- [Clayton] For the $6,000.00 a piece,

we'll have commerce,
industry, jobs for all!

- Minneck, be ready on the clock.

- All set up here, Mr. Wren.

- In Wren we trust, gentlemen, go Minneck.

Bombs away, Brock.

(helicopter whirring)

- Please, folks.

- What is the big commotion?

We have discussed the motion.

- [Woman] Somebody's done
something to the clock!

- [Quincey] Folks, folks!

- [Clayton] What's happening?

Where are those cigarettes coming from?

- Cigarette, it's 12 o'clock!

Everyone grab a cigarette!

- [Quincey] Please, don't smoke!

- [Clayton] Folks!

- [Quincey] Please!

- Light up everyone!

- [Clayton] Do not smoke, do not smoke!

It's only 10 minutes to 12!

- [Quincey] I'm telling you
to put those cigarettes down!

- Folks, listen to me!

Please, do not smoke!

It's only 10 minutes to 12!

The big clock is wrong!

- No, no no, big clocks are never wrong!

- The big clock is wrong!

- Big, big clocks are never wrong!

It's the night!

- [Clayton] Folks, listen to me!

Its' the devil, Satan, he's testing us!

He's testing our faith, our vows!

You must resist the temptation to smoke!

Something has gone wrong
here, something dire!

- Put that lighter out!

- Put those cigarettes away!

Please, do not smoke!

- Now, you heard the
Reverend, nobody smokes!

Odie, Odie!

- Folks, listen to me.

Homer Watson is going to call
the newspaper in Lawrenceville

to get the correct time!

- [Dr. Proctor] Give
me a light, yes, here.

- [Clayton] Please, do not smoke!

Folks, listen to me!

- Yes!

- Until Homer gets back, don't smoke!

- [Quincey] Let's wait for Homer, please!

- Do you understand?

Otherwise, Eagle Rock
will lose everything!

- [Quincey] We can't lose!

- Reverend, he's got a cigarette.

- My God, folks, whoever's
next to him, stop Dr. Proctor!

Do not let him smoke!

- Don't listen to him!

Let the Doctor smoke!

- Folks, please, please!

- Doctor!

- [Quincey] Don't smoke, easy Doctor!

- [Dr. Proctor] That's
it, here, give me that.

Yes, give me the light.

- Stay calm!

Harold, Harold, play something!

Play something nice and sweet!

("Oh, Dem Golden Slippers")

Oh, my God!

Please, don't smoke!

Homer, Homer, get out there.

Thin out the crowd!

You've got to stop them from smoking!

- Has anyone seen Dr. Proctor?

- Dr. Proctor, Dr. Proctor, where are you?

- [Dr. Proctor] Watch it, look out.

- Patience!

- Dr. Proctor!

- [Dr. Proctor] Let me have it!

- Don't smoke, we waited so long!

We can wait a little more!

- [Dr. Proctor] Miss, Miss,
give me a light, please.

- [Merwin] Dr. Proctor,
I got your light, Doctor!

- [Dr. Proctor] Please.

- What's going on here?

- [Merwin] Doctor, Doctor!

- Where, where, I'm coming.

- Dr. Proctor, Dr. Proctor!

Dr. Proctor, stay where you are!

I'll find you!

My lighter, my lighter!

You made me drop my lighter!

My lighter, don't anyone
step on my lighter!

- There you are, you communist.

- Give me my lighter.

- Now Doctor, don't.

(gun firing)

(Dr. Proctor grunting)

Doc, I don't know what happened.

- Well, I do.

I've been shot through the heart.

- But your clutching your side.

- I know where I've been
shot, damn it, I'm a doctor.

(Dr. Proctor moaning)

- Doc.

- Yes, Reverend.

- Is there anything I can do?

- Yes, light me.

- But, you gotta wait till midnight.

There's just three minutes left.

- I haven't got three minutes.

- Now I've heard everything.

A minister who won't grant
a dying man's last request.

Anybody have a match for a dying man.

- Why don't you use
this cigarette lighter?

- That's not a lighter.

(gun firing)

(crowd jeers)

- My lighter isn't
anywheres near that loud.

- Oh, give me the gun.

He's still moving.

- That's enough.

(gun firing)

(woman screams)

Shooting.

- [Quincey] Hold it,
hold it, Homer is here!

- It's all a big bullshit.

- Homer is here, listen, please.

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

Homer's got the right time!

He's got it, it's five, four,
three, two, one, it's over!

(crowd cheering and applauding)

We made it!

(crowd cheering and applauding)

We made it!

Yes' we made it!

I got the check, here it is!

Look at it!

Oh, it's wonderful!

25 million dollars!

- [Dr. Proctor] Please,
you got a match, please?

- Look, look, we got the check!

We finally won!

Look, look here, here it is!

Here's the check right in my hand!

Look out, look out, somebody's coming!

(sirens wailing)

We won!

- Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen!

Please, may I have your attention?

Ladies and gentlemen, the
President of the United States.

- [Woman] In Eagle Rock?

What's he doing here?

- [Odie] It is the President.

- [Quincey] Oh my God, the
President of the United States.

("Hail to the Chief")

- Sir, sir, may I, may
I have a light, please?

("Hail to the Chief")

- [Jerry] The President!

Now, let's get this shot of the President!

("Hail to the Chief")
(crowd cheering)

I don't want his God damn cuff links!

Get me a shot of the President!

("Hail to the Chief")
(crowd cheering)

- He's beautiful, he's here in Eagle Rock.

I tell ya, it's beautiful, what an honor.

- The President wants
you to look up there.

(crowd murmuring)

- [Man] Eagle Rock.

- [Crowd] The future home

of the Mercury Missile Plant.

(crowd cheering and applauding)

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He's smiling down on us from up above ♪

♪ And he's giving us all his love ♪

♪ He knows how hard we tried ♪

♪ He hears the babies crying ♪

- Natalie!

♪ He sees the old folks dying ♪

♪ And he gives us all his love ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He's smiling down on us from up above ♪

♪ And he's giving us all his love ♪

♪ Now, if you need someone to talk to ♪

♪ You can always talk to him ♪

♪ And if you need someone to lean on ♪

♪ You can lean on him ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He gives us all his love ♪

♪ He's smiling down on us from up above ♪

♪ And he's giving us all his love ♪

(lion roaring)