Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[crowd cheering]

[music playing]

Ah, yeah, my mom was, uh, 17 when--when I was born.

This is my room for most of my life,

and I sat in here and-- and watched TV

and hid from the people doing drugs.

ANNOUNCER: High vertical's away.

Showtime! Whoo!

I wasn't exactly the most expected child.

Mom got a little drunk, little high,

and--and Dad got lucky, and out came me.

And he's going down!

History has been made here!

Mom abused prescription meds for several years.

She used coke for most of my, uh, high school years.

Heavyweight champion...

Oh, yeah!

Crappy home life pretty much made me

fall asleep in class a lot.

When your mom's, you know,

waking up at 3:00 in the morning,

ready to shoot the leaves with a .357, you know,

you don't tend to, uh, get a good night's sleep.

I've never seen this before.

He's terrified!

Mom treated me like an inconvenience

more than, really, a child.

She'd leave me sitting there alone,

and she'd go out to party.

I'd pretty much-- Yeah, I'd watch TV,

you know, whole lot of wrestling.

I am just the man who would.

[wails]

But, uh, it--it...

made me feel maybe a little less alone.

What are you dudes gonna do

when Hulkamania runs wild on you?

Wrestling would always be there.

It didn't matter what else was going on in the universe.

They want to be where I am.

They want to wear the custom-made clothes.

They want to ride around in long limousines.

They want-- Whoo! Whoo!

The finest women in the world today.

It was an escape. I mean, it just--

I kind of identified,

you know, with most of the bad guys,

'cause I was the kid who usually got picked last for everything.

[music playing]

[overlapping chatter]

[laughs]

Five minutes!

Five minutes!

Five minutes!

[whooping]

[music continues]

* There are all these people

* That use you for their own needs *

* For deception...

[screaming]

Welcome to the party zone!

[cheering]

Tonight we celebrate 10 years of action,

10 years of love.

Right now is Battlemania!

[cheering]

[new song playing]

[no audible dialogue]

[music playing, cheering nearby]

WRESTLER: It's theater. You want a character.

You want to be over the top,

need to be a persona.

When I'm onstage without my makeup,

then I feel like myself. I'm not in character.

[spits]

It's--I let all my anger out

and all my craziness out with McFondle.

It's my way to vent.

Rraahh!

When I'm Josh like this,

even being on camera right now makes me nervous,

and I'm--like, stutter and stammer, and I--

Josh is a quiet, shy, private person.

[laughs]

McFondle is the exact opposite.

My name is Ronald McFondle.

I'm the--the hardest-tittied, big-tittiest,

nipple butter motherfucker.

The Bushiest tail motherfucker.

[laughs]

And you can fucking kiss my Bush ass.

My Bush tail, my nipple hard-on totally.

I don't snap back and forth very well.

I, like, turn it on.

Then I wake up the next morning

with a hangover, and he's gone.

Showtime! [laughs]

[cheering]

Ladies and gentlemen,

his career is a decade in the making.

He inhabits your nightmarish wet dreams.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up

for Ronald McFondle!

[cheering]

* Like shadows on a silver screen *

* We're drinking rum and kerosene *

* You are polite, and I'm obscene *

* I'm very pleased to meet you *

* Ooh-ahh

* I'm very pleased to meet you

[chanting] Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

EMCEE: Combatants, are you ready?

Crowd, are you ready?

[cheering]

Let's make this official.

3, 2, 1!

Battle!

Collar and elbow.

These two lockin' it up.

Oh, knee to the cup by McFondle!

Coming out strong right out of the gate.

Beautiful bulldog by Ronald McFondle!

That's experience right there.

But the Cleanser fighting back.

Feeling the strength of the Cleanser.

Picking him up.

Come on!

A huge power slam!

Right under his trapezius muscle.

That's it, man.

Uh-oh. Possible wear-out decision.

Cleanser Crab.

The Cleanser Crab is locked in.

Things do not look good for Ronald McFondle.

Wait a minute.

He's coking up!

He's coking up!

[cheering]

Ah, they rolling!

Oh, is it--He's standing him up for the Stretcher!

This is it!

Taking the Cleanser out!

And McFondle does it.

He's got the balls!

He's got the balls!

Oh, and solid steel balls to the face!

Holy shit.

[cheering]

[announcer continues under cheering]

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Holy shit.

Dare I say this is shocking?!

[groaning]

Doing the pink right in the stink.

Ronald McFondle!

[chanting] S.S.P.!

S.S.P.!

S.S.P.!

S.S.P.!

S.S.P.!

[music playing]

I always look around me no matter where I am.

You never know where a door is.

You never know where a car is.

I think it also helps maintain good eyesight,

just keep looking for something.

Heh. How did I pay off my house?

What didn't I do to pay off this house?

You know, I collected cans.

I'd see a sink sitting on the side of the road,

I'd take the faucet off of it

and take those up to the metal recycling people.

[kids chattering]

I used to ride my bike all over downtown

and find change everywhere.

[bus horn honks]

I'll be 30 feet away, and I'll go,

"Oh, there's a quarter over there."

And I'll go pick it up. [honks]

And roll it up. Give it to the bank.

I made tellers weep when I came in.

I made tellers go, "Oh, I'm on lunch."

And I paid off my mortgage,

you know, using free money that other people

were too lazy to pick up. [laughs]

[hammer tapping]

Over here will be a bench.

It will be up about two feet high.

Fridge will eventually go right over here.

The sink will be over there as soon as I install it.

Yeah, when you own a house, you have to fix them,

maintain them, but also kind of make this place,

well, my house.

One night, Mom got the, uh, keys stuck in the door.

She thought she'd climb over the fence

and knock on the window over here and wake me up.

She couldn't climb over, 'cause she was too drunk.

She's screaming and yelling.

And then I get a knock on the window

from the police officers with their flashlights.

And as one police officer escorted my mom up the stairs,

another one, he hung back down here,

and as I'm standing right there, he looked me in the eye

and said, "Look, this situation is not going to get any better."

Two weeks later, I was in a brand-new apartment

and said bye-bye.

Seven years after that, the same thing happened.

My mom got drunk, couldn't get the keys to work in the door,

and dropped dead of a massive heart attack

right there on the porch.

Her birthday was 30 days before she died.

Knowing her, she went out there

and partied for 30 days straight.

I just wondered it was just one more bullshit thing,

my mom was trying to get in touch with me.

I inherited, you know, everything Mom had,

most of this house.

She never met a check she couldn't bounce.

So I managed to pay off the house about a year ago.

Never really had anybody, so it's--

Ignorance is bliss to a certain point.

If you don't know about something,

you don't miss it.

If I would have had siblings,

I think I probably would have missed, you know,

being around people.

But I can be alone in a crowd.

In a room full of people in it, I can still be alone.

[cheering]

[overlapping chatter]

["Bad" by Michael Jackson playing]

EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen,

hailing from Seattle, Washington,

the Rhinestone Wolverine,

Sir Eddie Van Glam!

* I'm bad, I'm bad

* You know... [cheering]

* I'm bad, I'm bad

* And the whole world has to answer right now *

* Just to tell you once again *

* Who's bad?

[cheering]

I remember back in the day when I was younger,

I was saying, "I want--"

Like, you know, I had my idols growing up watching on TV,

and I remember one day,

in front of my grandmother and my mom,

I said, you know, "I want to be a professional wrestler."

[crowd groaning]

ANNOUNCER: Stop!

CROWD: Eddie! Eddie!

When I was, uh, 10 years old,

my parents divorced.

I ended up kind of being

one of the, uh, nerdy kids.

That's kind of where my theater bug

really bit me.

["Macho Man" by the Village People playing]

* Macho, macho man

* Macho man

Theater was an escape for me,

'cause I didn't have to deal with the problems

that I was facing at school or at home.

It allowed me to be someone

who was definitely cooler than me

or be someone who was stronger than me.

[music playing]

Into the air. What is he thinking?

Oh!

[cheering]

ANNOUNCER: What? No!

Don't do it!

You can't do this one!

There he goes! [crack]

[cheering]

That was amazing.

We gotta--The next one, please, guys, up. Um...

[overlapping chatter]

Had to peel away, like, four fucking layers to get it.

Ah, fuck.

You all right?

You okay, Bill? Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah. Okay.

[music playing]

For me, S.S.P. has been a great band of brothers.

I don't have any family here in Seattle.

My grandmother passed away in August of 2004.

My grandfather passed away the day of her funeral,

and six months later on Saint Patrick's Day of 2005,

I lost my mom.

This was after my first musical production in college,

me and my mom.

I actually sang my first solo.

The earliest memory I have of being here,

I was five years old,

spending my summers here with my grandparents.

And we'd always watch the boats.

We'd watch the sailboat races go along here.

We'd watch the sun set every night.

For two years, I just worked and slept.

I tried to hang out with my friends that I did have,

and they were just never around.

So when S.S.P. came about,

I guess unknowingly I was very hungry

for some type of group to be a part of.

I definitely feel like they've grown

to become my chosen family.

Like, they-- they're my brothers.

You know, they're--You know, they're not just my buddies.

These guys are, you know, family for me.

[music playing] [cheering]

These guys are my family.

These people are my family.

Let 'em hear it in the whole damn city!

Let 'em hear it in the whole damn state!

Let 'em hear it in the whole damn country!

S.S.P.!

S.S.P.!

S.S.P.!

S.S.P.!

[overlapping chatter]

JOSH: S.S.P. was for the outcasts.

We were all kind of the punks and nerds

and whatever in high school.

All my best friends are S.S.P. guys.

S.S.P. is my brethren,

my family.

[train horn blowing]

I never would have ever guessed

I would end up being a wrestler.

I grew up in St. Anthony, North Dakota,

tiny little town, in a tiny little house.

This is how tiny the town was.

My dad, when I was six years old,

would send me to the store with 20 bucks,

and I'd pick up, like, a 12-pack.

The bartender would just give a six-year-old kid

a pack of cigarettes and fucking 12-pack,

and I'd ride back on my bicycle.

We were poor as hell,

but when you're a kid, you don't see it.

My whole life, I was like, "When I graduate high school,

I'm getting the fuck out of here."

And I didn't give a fuck about how I had to figure it out.

So for about a year and a half,

I just hopped trains around the Northwest,

backpack and a sleeping roll.

So you come down at 5:00 in the morning.

When they get out of the train yard

is when you want to catch 'em,

while they're gaining speed. You throw your bag on,

and you grab the fucking rail, and you just hop up.

[train horn blows]

Ah, the first night was hilarious.

Like, I get off the bus at the Greyhound,

and there was just like the worst of crackheads

and bums, and, like, it smelled like piss everywhere.

Like, "What should I do?"

And there was two kids there with a cardboard sign.

So I was like, "Hey, I'm Josh.

Where do I find a place to squat?"

And they were, like, you know, "Around 9:00,

when the sun goes down, we're gonna go find a place,"

and, like, "We have a squat. We'll show you."

These guys were so nice and trusting,

and then that night, they immediately tried to rob me

as soon as they had me cornered.

All I had in my entire life was in my backpack,

and it was two guys and me on the roof of the building.

They were like, "Give us your backpack

"and everything out of your pockets,

and get the fuck out of here."

"Okay." I went to grab my backpack.

And I kicked the John dude in the balls

and rolled out of the second-story window,

landed on the ground, and took off running.

I--Like, when I fell out the window,

I landed like Iron Man.

And I'm like, "Holy shit. I just landed like Iron Man.

That was so awesome."

[music playing]

Even after getting jacked that night,

I was like, "I'm not going back to North Dakota.

I'll get jacked every night. I'm not going back."

I had to live on the street or go home,

and I would not go home and be defeated.

A lot of people on the street,

like, that was the be-all-end-all.

That was the end of the road. For me, it was a journey

so that I could figure out

where I want to put my roots down.

A 20-year-old kid on the street spare-changing

and--and traveling and hopping trains

and hitchhiking is a romantic journey.

A 35-year-old man living on the streets

and spare-changing is a...

sad catastrophe.

Like, you know, it's not romantic anymore.

But I always thought...

more would happen for me or I would make more happen.

[music playing]

[overlapping chatter]

Watch my hand.

Ohh! Oh, God!

[groans]

[no audible dialogue]

[babbles]

Yeah!

[laughs]

Ohh!

[laughs]

We always had an open-door policy with S.S.P.,

because all of us were the fuck-ups.

We were all the outsiders. We weren't the cool kids.

We don't want to make anyone else an outcast

from our thing. We need to include everyone.

We let everyone in the door.

We didn't turn anyone away.

[music playing]

Come on.

Melt the cheese.

How I got involved in S.S.P.?

I was riding along one day

and found a flier on the ground,

and, you know, they were advertising a show,

and, you know, I decided, "Hey, I'll check that out,"

and, you know, they had a website

that, you know, said, "Hey, you want to be a wrestler?"

Well, Paul came along at the peak of the Re-bar shows.

They were trying to recruit more guys,

and we cast kind of a wide net.

He could look like a wrestler

more than a lot of these pantywaist guys, so we let him in.

But he turned out to be not altogether there mentally, it seemed.

This--Yes. This is the little postcard

that I found, uh, in the street.

It seemed like he just wanted

some kind of ego fantasy fulfillment from wrestling.

[growls] He had this idea

of this character he was gonna be.

Uh, but he really didn't have any performance chops.

He's the biologically,

chemically--heh-- reengineered Super Trooper.

Ahh.

Welcome to Washington Hall,

where you learn how to be a professional wrestler.

Semi-pro wrestler. Something like that.

[grunting]

Gotta have your good foot stomp, slap.

[grunting]

Ohh. God, that hurt like hell.

[groans]

It's all shtick. Yeah. Ta-da.

I went to practice here for a year and a half.

So biking from my house to here and then to home.

[panting]

Sometimes they tried having practices on Sunday.

I even showed up then.

Dedicated? Yeah. I was hooked to doing

what it took to be out there to perform.

[music playing]

Uh, the reason that we go over drills

on how to fall and how to roll

is because you can easily break your arm

falling the wrong way.

That was solid. Good.

When you're sloppy about it,

that's bad for everybody.

Now solely trying to land here.

You don't want to hit the lower back.

You don't want to hit the head.

You notice that he didn't throw himself backwards.

Come on, man. You can do it.

That was a good tuck on the head.

That was good.

What it is is then it just kind of comes down to the sell.

If you sell that like you smacked your face, you smacked your face,

and people believe it.

You really look like you're hitting your head.

[music playing]

Bam.

What's going on? [gasps]

The way I describe pro wrestling

is it's a dance.

Everybody learns the same dance.

They learn the same steps,

and you mix up partners.

You can do it with anybody.

[yells]

Ahh! That was a real punch.

Unh!

Well, Paul was a fine wrestler.

You know, he was strong.

took direction well, as far as wrestling,

'cause I think that's what he desired to do was the wrestling part.

Um, but the personality portion of, you know,

getting along with everyone,

he didn't necessarily do the best.

Welcome to the greatest

sports entertainment spectacular of all time!

Welcome to Wrestlemania!

After practices, we would all go hang out

and, uh, go to the bar or whatever, socialize,

but Paul would always just go straight home.

Uh, we'd get together for some of the pay-per-views,

and, you know-- and many of them would drink and get high,

and I'd sit there and have some water. Heh.

He was always a little different

than everybody-- all the other wrestlers.

Like I had a birthday party at the Crescent,

and I call it Halloween in August,

so everyone's wearing a costume,

and he literally stood by the door

with a grocery bag with a costume in it

and just, like, stood by the door,

and everyone thought that he was the door guy.

I was just invited along since I was in the show,

and, you know, I'd occasionally bring some chips

or something like that to kind of, you know,

you know, be part of the group.

I was there for the performance.

Wasn't there to get paid. Wasn't there to get laid.

Wasn't there to get drunk.

We all love pro wrestling,

and that is the thing that unifies us,

and I find a lot of times,

you know, when you have that one thing,

you can overlook a lot of other things about other people,

JOSH: All of us would try to hang out with him,

but Paul didn't drink, and he doesn't talk,

so he would just stand in the corner quietly.

[faint laughter]

None of us really, like, got along with him great,

but we still wanted him to be part of the crew.

We were like, we don't want to turn anyone away.

It's our thing. We don't reject people.

We're--We're here for the rejects.

Let's see here.

In this way, and...

As you can tell, this thing doesn't...

hang like it used to. [laughs]

When I bring a guy in

and he's nervous about performing in front of people,

he's nervous about wrestling in front of people, uh,

you put him in a mask, in a costume, in a character.

He can become this character, and it allows him to cut loose.

And what professional wrestler does not want to walk out onstage

without a feather boa? Come on, now.

On Halloween, everybody goes nuts.

They get up in their costumes.

Some people stay in character all night long.

They love it, and I think

it's a natural thing in human beings.

When I was initially given the role of the Banana,

all I could think of was that's the most embarrassing thing

to ever hit the wrestling stage.

[chuckles] It's like I'm being sent out there

to, you know, look really stupid.

That was-- That was the whole--

The Banana turned out to be just the most amazing prank on Paul,

because, like, we're like,

"Well, let's just make him be a banana, and he'll hate it,

but, like, it'll-- he'll earn some stripes."

He was-- He was opposed.

He thought that, like, he would--

He thought it was a rib on him.

At least people would laugh

if there was a guy in a banana outfit.

The Banana, it just seemed like a garbage gimmick

that nobody would want on any planet, but, uh,

I responded with, "Okay. I'm gonna be the best banana you ever seen."

In all fairness, you know, he was upset

about wearing a banana costume.

I had to dress as a chick for, like, a year. Okay?

Oh, Siren.

So beautiful. Oh, wow.

That was a rib when I made him

wrestle in drag for a year.

Oh, Siren doesn't like that.

Look at her. She's fucking hot, man.

Could have been worse. Could have been wearing a dress.

[overlapping chatter]

* Day-o

[scatting "Banana Boat" song]

* Daylight come, and me want to go home *

Ladies and gentlemen, hailing from the Banana Republic,

the man with international appeal,

the man who never slips ups,

the Banana!

[cheering]

[booing]

[chanting] Ba-na-na! Fuck him up!

Ba-na-na! Fuck him up!

Ba-na-na! Fuck him up!

Ba-na-na! Fuck him up!

Ba-na-na! Fuck him up!

We have the makings of a classic battle.

Health food versus junk food.

Combatants, are you ready?

3, 2, 1! Battle!

Oh!

Fries give Banana the slip.

Whoa. Remember, guys,

finish your beers before you throw them.

[music playing]

Oh, shit!

Head right to the Banana's gut!

What's this? He's pulling an arm.

He's super sizing!

Oh, yes!

Now what's he up to?

Oh!

[laughs]

Making a fool of Mr. Banana.

[crowd groans]

Big right hand by the Banana.

[booing]

Ba-na-na! Fuck him up!

Ba-na-na! Fuck him up!

Ba-na-na! Fuck him up!

[crowd groans]

[music playing]

PAUL: After the finish of the match,

I get up, and I got the crowd

just screaming, "Ba-na-na."

And I'm slapping hands.

I'm slapping hands and, like, cheering the crowd on

and thinking, "Oh, this is great."

When the show was over, I helped, you know, load up the van,

and then I'd pack up my stuff,

and I'd head towards the bus stop.

And from there, I took the bus right home.

Suddenly the thought hit me. "Couple hours ago,

"I was in front of a crowd full of cheering, screaming people

digging what I was doing."

And I used to be a guy in high school

that I couldn't get the cheerleaders

for my own high school to cheer for me.

It was one of those strange thoughts

that just goes across your head

as you're about to go to sleep.

I was just thinking, "Well, where'd all the people go?"

I was surrounded by a whole lot of people,

and now there is absolutely nobody around here.

And I liked it.

I wanted to go out there, do it again,

and I wanted to do it better.

[overlapping chatter]

JOSH: Paul, he was supposed to be playing

a goofy character and being silly,

and it was kind of supposed to be a comedy character,

and Paul didn't take it that way.

I was feeling rea-- really great about the last match,

and I show up at the next show for the next match,

and I just kind of felt that chill in the room

when Josh put his arm around me

and said, "I'm gonna take you under my wing."

[laughs]

He is an actor playing a part,

and I write the part.

We wanted a goofy, dancing, funny banana,

a happy, fun character,

not a dickhead. [chuckles]

And Paul went out and played the bad guy in a banana suit.

Ohh!

And there's nothing funny

about a guy in a banana suit being a dick.

[booing]

[crowd groans]

When I approached the Banana,

I just thought he's just a big, yellow penis.

He goes out there, and he's just a big dick.

[crowd groaning]

He really took it seriously.

Hi. I'm Paul Richards,

a.k.a. the Banana,

potassium greatness

and your one true golden god.

Like, no, you're not.

You're in a gay bar.

Heh. People are throwing empty cans at you.

Your finishing move is probably about someone's butthole,

so that's not professional.

And McFondle pulls him out of the way!

You can't be a bad guy in a banana suit. It's a clash.

It's a comedy asshole thing that doesn't work.

You want me to be a banana,

I'm gonna be my kind of banana.

The Camel Clutch! The Camel Clutch!

Do I wanna be the guy that gets his ass kicked every week,

or do I want to be the guy in the mirror shades and the crappy blazer

holding the championship belt?

I wanted to be the guy with the championship belt.

[booing]

JOSH: We tried so many things to make it work,

and he went out and did the polar opposite of it

month after month after month.

All of us had tried. I tried to just get him

to play the character the way we wanted,

and nothing got through,

so we decided that we had to--

we had to change it up.

[gong reverberates]

[music playing]

All my bo-nanas and chickitas out there in the S.S.P. arena,

the Banana Republic, and Banana nation,

I'm here to tell you how hard work, kung fu,

and potassium power can make your dreams come true.

The new Banana

was way more charismatic.

That's Luke, was Second Banana.

Second Banana. Get it?

Also--Also with the gags.

It just keeps going here.

"Okay, man, we're gonna pair you with another banana.

"We're gonna call you Bunch of Bananas.

Banana One and Banana Two."

And he didn't like that idea.

He didn't like the name Bunch of Bananas.

And I'm like, "Come on, dude.

"What else are you gonna call a tag team

of two bananas than Bunch of Bananas? Seriously?"

What--What else would it be called?

I'm here with the Bunch of Bananas,

and they've got a message for the Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Weapons of Mass Destruction,

Weapons of Mass Destruction,

I've watched you

running around here at the S.S.P. arena,

bullying people around,

and I've had enough.

Uh, my first impression of him, it wasn't much.

He just looked like a guy who was, uh, gonna hurt himself.

We may be yellow,

but we ain't cowards.

Uh, it just made me not wanna work with the guy.

Viva Las Bananas!

[coughs]

I mean, I could tell that he--he was definitely feeling something,

because he def-- he wanted me to--

he wanted me to wear a mask.

When the whole Second Banana thing came up,

he wanted me to wear a mask.

This was my concept for the, uh,

Second Banana character.

He didn't fucking talk. [laughs]

I absolutely, straight-out refused

to wear the--the mask.

But he got these really cool dreads, man.

I least figured my sidekick ought to have some dreads, man.

It was like, "No, this isn't gonna happen," and he was definitely upset over that.

So I knew something was gonna happen. I knew something was up.

Sewed this in a--you know, couple afternoons.

You know, my first, you know, lucha mask.

[overlapping chatter]

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Banana Republic,

the Banana!

[booing]

You dumb-ass!

Presenting also from the Banana Republic,

the Second Banana!

[cheering] [music playing]

* Hey, yeah, hey, yeah

* Hey, yeah, there you go

* There you go, there you go *

* There you go, peanut butter, jelly *

* Peanut butter, jelly

* Peanut butter, jelly

* Peanut butter, jelly...

Oh, God.

That would be Luke.

Luke is, uh--

That's about the extent of his repertoire.

* Peanut butter, jelly

* Peanut butter, jelly...

As you can see, you know, Second Banana was useless.

Yeah.

[rock-'n'-roll playing]

* I'm reaching out for something *

* Gonna fly up to my dreams *

* I'm taking no prisoners

* After all, this is my life *

* I'm gonna go over

* Over the red line

* I'm gonna go over

* Over the red line

PAUL: Since I was supposed to suck,

if Lucas went out there and sucked,

I think that was what some people kind of wanted.

But the worse he did, the better they liked him, it seemed.

But he seemed to keep hanging around, kissing their ass

and saying all the right things.

It was, "Who can I suck up to

"so I can go out there and be the guy

on the stage instead of Paul?"

[overlapping chatter]

JOSH: I feel that we tried.

We felt that the character was not working for him,

because the audience was acting negatively.

And that's why we were saying

let's--let's give him a new role.

Let's make--Let's kill off the Banana

and let Paul come back as whatever he wants to be.

I'm the one that went to him

about telling him we're pulling his character,

and I'm the one-- I sat down with him, and I said, "Hey,

"we appreciate that you've put in all this hard work,

"and you're at every practice.

"You're working your ass off.

"You're doing good. You're just not doing good in this role.

"So we're pulling you from the Banana.

The Second Banana is gonna take over the Banana role."

They actually came out--right out and said,

"You're not gonna be the, you know, Banana anymore.

"We're gonna have you lose to Luke,

"and Luke's gonna be the Banana,

and you can come back as some other character."

Which was basically a euphemism for,

"Yeah, once we get rid of you,

we're just going to say, 'Fuck you.'"

By taking the Banana off of him,

I felt like we were doing what he wanted.

I'm like, "You are not playing the role

"that I wrote for you very well,

"so let me sit down with you,

"and we'll write a role for you, highlighting you.

"This is what you want and what you need.

We're gonna help you move on."

I-I've been around junkies and drunks long enough

to know when you're bullshitting me,

and I didn't buy it.

So, yeah, I was like, "Nah."

He seemed like everything was fine.

He didn't have any issue with it.

But I-- But that was just Paul.

He never said anything except, "Yes," and, "No."

All Paul ever did was nod and silently agree with you.

[music playing]

This was all, you know, 99%

all Josh's concept, idea.

It's like I-- I had picked a day to leave,

and that was the day I was going to leave,

and I didn't tell anybody.

I didn't talk to anybody about it.

I just gave everybody in charge a chance

to talk to me about what the hell was going on.

And then finally tell me five days before the show

that, "Yeah, we're gonna replace you with this guy."

They didn't discuss it. They just said,

"This is what's gonna happen."

It was like, "No, no, no. I'm the Banana."

"You gotta at least-- You know,

you want my cooperation, you need to talk to me."

And so I just picked the day and left.

[music playing]

[overlapping chatter]

How's that?

[babbles]

EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you first,

hailing from the Banana Republic,

the Bunch of Bananas!

[cheering]

* Hey, yeah, hey, yeah, hey, yeah *

* Hey, yeah, there you go

* There you go, there you go *

* There you go, peanut butter, jelly *

* Peanut butter, jelly

EMCEE: And their opponents in this match,

creations of our greatest President,

George W. Bush,

I give you the Weapons of Mass Destruction!

Four more years!

Four more years!

Four more years!

Our greatest President ever.

Let's do this and do it right.

3, 2, 1! Battle!

[music playing]

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

[music playing]

Tag is made.

Kicked him in the gut.

* Spend my life holding on to nothing real *

* Silhouette of our world, spinning wheel *

* Resurrect when they mean to heal *

* I want to listen to hear *

* Feelin' effect

* See the effect

* My heart's on fire

* Step into the fire

Ohh!

1, 2, 3!

[cheering]

And your winners, the Banana Republic!

[chanting] Fuck them up!

Fuck them up!

Fuck them up!

Fuck them up!

Fuck them up!

Fuck them up!

Fuck them up!

Fuck them up!

Fuck them up!

Fuck them up!

[music playing]

* If love kicks your doors in *

* Will you bow and surrender

* And let your heart win tonight? *

And, yeah. And I just walked out, and I--

Yeah. And then downstairs,

You know, downstairs, they have an interview with the Banana.

Didn't even talk to me.

Didn't say, "Oh, hey, there's the other guy

in the banana costume, too." Heh heh.

They just interviewed Luke,

which pissed me off to no end.

Okay, we're here at S.S.P., Seattle Semi-Pro Wrestling.

Uh, what's your name?

My name is the Second Banana. Oh, yeah. [winces]

Even though I was leaving--

I mean, it's like-- I'm walking out the door,

and you're not gonna see my ass there,

you know, performing with you again, but, you know--

Yeah, the fact they didn't even say,

"Hey, you know, there's this other banana guy there.

You know, let's talk to him..."

Ahh. You don't think banana has ribs,

but I tell you what. They do. Yeah.

They didn't even talk to me,

let alone acknowledge I was there.

[birds chirping]

[music playing]

PAUL: People ask, you know, "Gee, what was--

"you know, what's going on?

Why isn't Paul, you know, with the show?"

And Josh went on his, you know,

blame Paul, you know, rant.

Yeah, apparently he thought that I was talking shit online.

I was able to log in and see all the nice things

that Josh was saying about me.

I don't know what the fuck I said,

but if I said anything, I said he's a bitch for fucking quitting,

so I have no idea what he's talking about with that.

We would egg him on on there,

uh, 'cause it was just fun

to troll Paul on the Internet.

I assume he's just talking about some, like,

lighthearted joking that we all made all the time.

[babbles]

His blogs were about the change

he found at fast-food drive-throughs on his bicycle,

'cause that's how he was paying his mortgage.

I still see him occasionally on his bike

with this-- just looking at the ground, looking for quarters.

It's so pathetic.

Paul's a piece of shit.

He didn't get his way.

He walked out, realized that nobody

fucking liked him 'cause he was an asshole.

Fuck you.

You're not a human being.

[music playing]

My mom was a drunk, so there was one kid

they could let the other kids pick on.

That was me.

They saw me as just the same as my mom

and not an individual.

They thought I would turn out just the same way,

which couldn't be farther from the truth. Heh.

Uh, you know, I don't drink. I don't smoke.

Never been arrested.

Never took drugs, so, you know, to look back

at the way people saw me when I was a kid

and younger was just like, "Damn,

"you really didn't know me at all

and didn't take the time."

As a kid, yeah, I would definitely fight back.

I knew that, you know, if I got in trouble

with the teachers, well, I was gonna get in trouble

anyway for hitting the guy,

and I knew the guy wasn't gonna stop

unless I hit him back, you know.

Yeah, I-I'd stand up for myself

and make sure that you did not want to hit me again.

And if that meant hitting you two, three, four times,

I was gonna do it.

You could either take a beating or give one,

and I preferred to be on the punching side.

"To whom it may concern,

"a bar located at 9186 East Pike Street,

"Seattle, Washington, 98122,

"is running a monthly show

"on the first Wednesday of the month.

"The name of the show is Seattle Semi-Pro Wrestling,

S.S.P., website address, itsallreal.net."

"I read through the list of laws

"concerning pro wrestling events,

"and in my opinion, none of those laws

"are in compliance at this show.

"There is lack of security.

"Audience members are encouraged

to throw beer cans at the performers."

"I also have viewed several of the performers

"using illegal drugs such as marijuana

"prior to bouts and also one during his act.

"Many of the performers are poorly trained

"or if at all, which has led to injuries.

"As the governing body for athletic events

"for Washington State, even pro wrestling exhibitions,

"I am hoping you will have the resources

"to bring this show into compliance.

Thank you for your attention on this matter."

The Banana's not going to lose.

You know, the Banana never did lose.

The Banana will not lose.

Heh. That is a rule. [chuckles]

So one day, out of nowhere,

one of the bar owners called me from the bar we performed at

and said that they had gotten a cease and desist order

from the Department of Licensing

and that if we put on another show,

they are gonna pull the liquor license of the venue.

We have to stop. They were gonna call the cops.

You know, we got cops coming to the shows.

[siren blares]

We had the cops watching us close.

I have a feeling that the guy who ratted us out

was tipping them off to where shows were.

On Wednesday, August 6,

Officer James and I attended the S.S.P. Wrestling.

So they decided that they were gonna

send someone to review one of our shows

and to see if it was professional wrestling.

He totally did not have a sense of humor whatsoever.

"One actor wore a T-shirt that read,

'Fuck you, you fucking fuck.'"

I was trying to explain to him

that it was theater, it was goofy.

"There was frequent yelling of obscenities

and references to blowjobs."

And it was ridiculous, 'cause I had to sit there

and explain to this police officer

that my character is Ronald McFondle,

and I fist people's asses until they tap out.

"One routine consisted of actors in clown costumes

"knocking down an actor in a George W. Bush mask

"and dry-humping his still-clothed rear end

while he was lying on the floor."

He was a very stern and, you know--

He was a cop in uniform looking at me like I was an asshole the whole time.

But he sat there looking down,

just taking notes on everything all stern and stoic

and not showing any emotion to us,

like, not letting us know what was going on.

What the hell happened?

How did the Department of Licensing finally catch wind of us?

It never said boo. How could they have found--

found out that we were doing these shows?

And it was Paul.

Paul started writing all these comments

on the Stranger blog,

bragging about his revenge on there

and how he was writing a tell-all book about his life

in the professional wrestling industry.

[laughs]

Do I think Paul betrayed S.S.P.? Yeah.

Oh, how do you betray someone in pro wrestling?

[laughs]

This is the kind of rationalization

that an evil heel wrestler does

to justify his shitty behavior.

I enjoy being the bad guy,

but it's only because I'm really, really good at it.

He's a psychopath. The dude--

Like, he's mentally not there.

If I'm going to piss you off

and get you so pissed off

that you're yelling and screaming and spitting at me,

I win.

[music playing]

I personally was shocked about the news.

I mean, it hurt me. It upset me.

But at the same time,

I didn't have this feeling like it was over.

Like, we were gonna--I knew we were gonna all fight this.

I knew that we were all gonna keep going in some fashion.

Like, I didn't think it was gonna die.

I didn't want it to die.

And the rest of the guys,

we didn't want it to die.

Getting the equipment.

I think it was important that we not give up.

What we were--What we were doing is not any danger to us,

and we're gonna prove that by continuing to go out

and do what we're doing.

Everybody!

We were like, "People have been telling us

"what to fucking not do our whole life.

Like, we're not listening anymore."

You gonna tell us to stop,

we're gonna tell you to fuck yourself.

And we're gonna fight it, whatever we have to do.

You can make us stop, but we're gonna cause a fucking stink on the way.

I'm gonna go out the door kicking and screaming.

I took the case on, because it involved free-speech issues.

It's not normal for the police

to threaten arrest for theatrical activity.

What we had hoped to do is make an argument

that this is theater, um, cabaret theater.

I could never consider it as actual wrestling,

'cause--Heh. It's just like

we're pretending to be wrestlers.

I think everyone was in on the joke, and if you weren't,

then I don't-- I don't know who could not be in on the joke.

When you got a guy in a clown suit fisting John McCain onstage,

and you think it's real, you're an idiot.

Why--Why did the state even care

what some whiny son of a bitch had to say?

Why? Because they have no idea what they're doing.

Are they protecting the children?

We're twenty--We're in bars. There are no children.

I mean, except for the ones in McFondle's van.

MAN: The problem is, is that wrestling

is full-body contact, is real effort.

Therefore, this is professional wrestling.

Basically we're in an appeals process,

so we're fighting it, but--

but they're not even telling us anything, so...

basically we send them our appeal,

and then we wait, and in the meantime,

the lawyer says go ahead.

How long you think that'll be?

I...don't know.

Six months, a year, two years,

[laughs] It's an appeal. It's red tape,

so red tape takes forever.

The--The boys in S.S.P. are my family here.

I have a hard time imaging not having them around.

Um...

[music playing]

Government in general and bureaucracy in particular

is like a giant boulder on the top of a-- a steep hill.

Um, it's not going anywhere until you push it,

but once it's rolling, it's not going to stop.

You can try to slow it down,

but if you're under it, uh, you will get crushed.

We had one of the best lawyers in the fucking city,

and he went to them and was like,

"What do we have to do to be legal?"

and they would not give us a straight answer.

We wanted to get legal, but they wouldn't tell us what we had to do.

Hey. What's up, man? How you doing, baby?

How are you? Good.

[laughter]

All I want to do is beat up my friends for fun

in front of my other friends,

and I want my other friends to laugh while we laugh.

I want good, positive energy

to flow through the building full of people I love.

I don't give a fuck. As long as I could legally do this

and not get in trouble,

it would mean the goddamn world to me.

For me, it's a very emotional night.

I was very scared that people would stop caring.

Knowing that this might be my last performance,

I'm wanting to give the audience something to remember,

really just kind of give 'em everything I got,

like, have nothing left.

This feeling that I'm experiencing,

it's definitely going to play into the performance.

ANNOUNCER: It's been a rough week.

It's been a crazy, uh, couple of days here.

Uh, we all have a different way of coping,

but, uh, we're here to have fun,

and that isn't the easiest thing to do right now,

but we're still gonna do it for you.

I want to say to everyone, I know it's tough right now.

Thank you for coming out.

We appreciate the fuck out of it.

[cheering]

DAVID: It was bunch of guys having fun onstage,

and there was no wrestling,

but I couldn't convince the Department of that.

They were threatening S.S.P. members with arrest.

A big power slam!

When someone threatens to arrest you

and that person is a government official,

you have to take it seriously.

I basically took every avenue of due process I could.

Uh, in the end, it was stalling tactics.

In the end, they did not care.

They--They basically just applied their law.

[music playing]

[cheering]

Dravon Lawless!

[music continues]

[crowd chanting]

ANNOUNCER: McFondle. McFondle wig.

A word from the man.

I hate talking when I'm not in a clown suit.

I'm actually very shy.

You're disgusting!

Today's 10 years since I started this bit,

and I love all of you guys. [cheering]

I'm the only dude who has one.

ANNOUNCER: Josh! Josh!

Josh! Josh!

Thank you. Josh! Josh!

I wanted-- I wanted to thank all--

These are my guys in the back,

and all the S.S.P. guys, deviants.

Simon, Travis, Owen.

I don't know who else is here, but...

I love you, guys. Thank you so much

for the best 10 years of my life.

And I'm hoping for one more "anal fisting" chant before I go.

You guys ready?

Anal fisting!

Anal fisting!

Anal fisting!

Anal fisting!

Anal fisting!

Anal fisting!

Anal fisting!

Anal fisting!

[music playing]

[music continues]

[music fades]

...gotta step up to the plate here

and was given an opportunity.

...about a half-mile from the moonwalk,

in the shadows of the Crescent's--

[music playing]

We still are a family. We still all hang out.

A few of us have drifted off and settled down.

We're all older now, and we don't have time

to be putting on all this stuff

and, like, fighting all this anymore.

so, like, it's time for us all to just focus on our families

and our girlfriends and, you know, our jobs.

I have to--I have a lighting career now

to look forward to, so...

I'm doing an apprenticeship for lighting design,

so I'm going to be doing lights for theater and concerts.

It's time to just move on and grow up.

[music playing]

* I keep my suitcase near

* It helps me get from here to there *

* There ain't much that I need *

* The things I need are close to me *

* I keep my suitcase near

* It helps me get from here to there *

* Ain't much that I need

* The things I need are close to me *

* I keep my suitcase near

* It helps me get from here to there *

* There ain't much that I need *

* The things I need are close to me *

[cheering]

[new music playing]

ADONIS: Well, I think in the short term,

Paul did win.

I mean, he--If his goal was to shut down the organization,

if his goal was to stop us from performing,

he achieved his goal,

but I think he was a small man with small goals.

He achieved his small goal, and then--

I hope he gained--I hope he gained some level of satisfaction from it,

because that's all he's ever gonna get.

PAUL: When the Department of Licensing, you know,

finally shut 'em down, I wasn't too surprised.

Like, I felt justified,

even though, you know, I knew some good people were hurt.

I--I knew that, hey, you know, stood up for me,

and--and screw everybody else.

Felt okay. You know, I got my,

you know-- got my pound of flesh,

and--and that's about it. Then I was--

You know, put it in the rear-view mirror and move on.

BILL: I was hungry.

I--I needed to find something.

I was driving people up the wall,

try to find something else to do.

I needed a place to put this energy,

this creative energy towards.

[carnival music playing]

[music fading]

[cats meowing]

[new music playing]

[microwave beeps]

[music continues]

[music ends]

[alarm ringing]

[music playing]

One night, I get a link sent to me

about a bill that's been introduced

to force the Department of Licensing in Washington

to look into whether or not they should oversee pro wrestling at all.

Then I look a little bit further down this link

and realize the hearing is the next day.

Yeah, nobody had planned on going.

Then nobody we knew was going.

I had to be at work 'til 3:00 A.M.

I was like, "Screw it.

"I'll get three hours of sleep,

and we're going to Olympia, and I'm gonna testify."

And I hate speaking in public.

That was a really big deal for me

to, like, speak in front of a Senate hearing.

[faint chatter]

We will win this fight.

[cheering]

CHAIRMAN: Welcome to the Business and Financial Services Committee

in the House of Representatives.

Today we have an exciting agenda.

We're going to have democracy in action.

And we're gonna go out on a limb

and maybe even do something a little bit edgy.

We're gonna start with House Bill 2573.

David, take it away.

Uh, the Department of Licensing regulates

boxing, kickboxing, and wrestling events.

This bill requires the Department of Licensing

to de--to conduct a sunrise review

of the need for regulation of theatrical wrestling events.

The Department of Licensing must consult

with professional and theatrical wrestling participants

under Chapter 67-08.

Did I hear you right?

That the outcome may be predetermined?

Participants do not strive to win?

Mr. Chair, that--that isn't,

uh, necessarily intended to say that wrassling isn't real.

[laughter] Um...

We have two, uh, individuals

who have signed in wishing to testify.

Come on up. Give us your testimony.

Go right ahead.

We'll have questions after the panel's done.

Uh, my name is Josh Koontz,

and I was a theatrical wrestler.

I was part of an organization

named Seattle Semi-Pro Wrestling,

essentially a spoof wrestling show

at a local bar in Seattle.

A disgruntled performer turned us in to the Department of Licensing.

The Department's reaction was to send a cease and desist,

threaten us with arrest,

and threaten to have the Liquor Control Board

revoke the venue's license.

We felt this was unfair and overreaching,

as what we did was more of a theater performance

than an athletic competition.

Ultimately we were just not allowed to continue.

We had a successful and well attended regular show

that was shut down, costing us and the State of Washington

a great deal of money, time, and headache.

And I believe the current laws are a hindrance

not only to the small businessman,

promoter trying to put on events,

but to the state's ability to generate tax revenue.

He's usually much more comfortable punching people...

If I'm wearing a mask, I can talk on a microphone all day.

[chuckles]

And Representative Blake has a great moustache

for wrestling if you ever want to--

You know, you got the look, anyway.

[no audible dialogue]

ADONIS: They had--They had a lot of questions.

JOSH: Yeah. Well, I just like that it was fun.

And they were all having a good time and making laughs.

And it's S-T-R-A...

T-T-O-N.

And I go under The Professor.

Got their attention.

Yeah. I think they just, like--

They were just having a good time with it.

I'm gonna post a picture of me and Jake

in front of the dome on Facebook.

We're gonna clean up Congress.

We're gonna clean up Congress.

[laughs]

I thought it went really well.

I doubt--I'm still not convinced anything is gonna come of it,

but it was fun, not terrifying. [laughs]

Well, I don't imagine it's gonna be like

we're gonna get a huge front-page article.

We probably get a blurb where--where it's like,

uh, you know, "Flying--" you know,

"Steel chairs were flying in, uh, Hearing Room B."

Up until last night when I found out this was happening,

I really thought there was no chance that anything was gonna change.

Hopefully something comes of it,

but who knows what this means?

[wrestling bell rings]

"Kelly's Court" is back in session.

On the docket today, the Banana,

Ronald McFondle, and Big Brother.

Meet the Seattle Semi-Pro Wrestlers,

bunch of beer-drinking average Joes and Janes

roughhousing in ridiculous costumes until now.

You see, the league wanted to take away Mr. Banana's crown.

They were gonna replace him

with someone called the Second Banana,

and Mr. Banana had had it!

You see, he went and reported his buddies

for a license violation, saying, in fact,

this thing is--is a sport and it needs to be regulated as such.

And now the state has shut the entire league down,

saying it needs a professional ring,

it needs doctors,

and it needs to pay a hefty licensing fee to go forward.

But is that right? What say you?

I'm--I'm incensed.

It's ridiculous. Is it a sport?

Obviously it's not a sport.

How did this come into the hands of the government?

'Cause a snitch, someone we call a rat,

who was upset because his little character

was gonna be taken off, so he ran to the bureaucrats.

Well, the government, once again,

gets in our backyard, gets in our barroom.

We were looking to have a good time,

and starts regulate, regulate.

They regulate this. They regulate that.

They regulate everything under a hat.

Drives you nuts! Let me just say this.

Surely the Seattle authorities

can think of ways to improve their bottom line

other than to harass the likes of Ronald McFondle.

WOMAN: It has more in there?

Passengers are on that list,

but somehow... [music playing]

Wrestlers in our state

who feel like they're tangled in red tape

and body-slammed by bureaucracy

took their fight to Olympia today.

Lawmakers are considering a bill

that can make it easier for wrestlers to put on shows.

Josh Black said he used to sell out wrestling shows at Re-bar.

We want to work with them to change these laws

so that we can have a flourishing wrestling community.

House Bill 2573 has passed unanimously in committee.

It's expected to go before the House Tuesday.

House Bill 2573 relates to theatrical wrestling events.

Theatrical wrestlers claim overregulation has them in a stranglehold.

It's thriving in other states. Why isn't it thriving here?

There's plenty of talent, and there's plenty of fans.

Let us put on our shows.

Let us entertain the people.

Susan Collard is D.O.L.'s

Administrator of Combative Sports.

We do go, and we do make sure the ring is safe.

House Bill 2573 on third reading

and final passage, remarks?

These participants are actually working

for entertainment purposes.

The regulations don't fit the activity.

We believe that a study

may help us deregulate this

and move it back to a theatrical performance.

Anybody who actually wrestled in high school

knows that this is all theater.

Speaker's about to open the roll call machine.

The Speaker has opened the roll call machine.

Has every member voted?

And received a constitutional majority.

House Bill 2573 is declared passed.

You killed it, man. Way to be.

[overlapping chatter]

[laughs]

I'm down with that.

Yeah, I'm Josh. Hi. I'm Tony.

It's nice to meet you.

What we want to make sure we do

is pull the right people together.

Yeah, we're all for figuring out the regulation.

It's good to have a face on the D.O.L., 'cause we've never really--

Through the whole S.S.P. thing,

it was so frustrating trying to talk to somebody,

and there was a wall there.

Our interest, that we want

to understand the sport fully

and then... Yeah.

do what's right in terms of regulation.

They were more cooperative than I imagined they ever would be,

and, uh, it was really cool of them to reach out to us

and offer to sit down instead of us having to make it happen.

When I got shut down, we had a lawyer,

and we couldn't even-- with a lawyer

sit down and figure out exactly what we had to do

and how we could make it affordable for us and--

So we just want to make sure

we pull together the right people.

So if you guys can help us with that.

I'm definitely interested.

Yeah, you can take a picture right here

of us with the D.O.L. right there.

Sorry to put you on the spot. Ah, ah, ah.

[laughter]

Yeah! [cheering]

[music playing]

* In context

* These heart swells

* These context in your head *

* Wasps' nests

* These terminals once again

[no audible dialogue]

Representing the State of Washington,

B.A. Maracas!

[cheering]

I don't understand you people.

I've given you gay marriage.

[cheering]

I've given you marijuana.

[cheering] Heck, yeah!

And now you want wrestling?

[cheering]

* These vessels, our heart swells up *

* Oh, hell, no

* These vessels, our heart swells up *

* Which welcome these heart swells up *

* Which make us explode

* Oh, hell, no

* We should've said no

* Oh, hell, we should've said no *

* Heart swells, which make us explode *

Eddie Van Glam!

* We set it on fire

* We set it on fire

[chanting] Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

[cheering]

* Like shadows on a silver screen *

* We're drinking rum and kerosene *

* You are polite, and I'm obscene *

* I'm very pleased to meet you *

* Ooh-ahh

* Very pleased to meet you

Heavens, no!

He spanked him!

[music continues]

S.S.P.!

S.S.P.!

S.S.P.!

We're on the verge of having new, like, real--

And we can do this shit legally soon.

[cheering]

I'm working with the Department of Licensing to make that shit happen.

Everybody hang out, 'cause I have some more beer.

Give me hugs. Feed me drugs and pussy.

[cheering] Yeah!

Stick around.

[music playing]

Like, another 20.

Now that this is said and done,

if anything I want from this,

is that some 19-year-old sees this shit

and is like, "Hey, me and my friends could be fucking awesome."

[laughs]

You can just make ripples

that affect everyone around you

and have good times and happiness

and build bonds and have family.

I never imagined that me and the Department of Licensing

would be hugging each other and happy

and so happy to fix things.

It was awesome.

I'm still blown the fuck away

by what happened the other day.

[music playing]

[new music playing]

PAUL: Barely a day goes by

that you don't miss the crowd cheering for you

or booing you.

You know, it's one of those things

where you-- you'll always miss it.

You know, you always want to go out there onstage.

It's--It's just one of those things

you--you can't escape.

Uh, in my future, I'd--

I plan to keep finishing off the house.

Uh, then after I finally retire,

bike the Earth, like Caine from "Kung Fu,"

except, you know, on a bike.

Travel up and down Highway 101 and--

and see what's out there.

When you're out there on a bike,

you pretty much see everything,

and you have plenty of time to contemplate everything.

It's just a feeling you get when you're out there.

I--You know, kind of hard to explain.

So that's where I'll be.

You know, I'll be out there biking around

and seeing the world.

[kid chattering nearby]

WOMAN: Quiet, please!

[overlapping chatter]

[music playing]

* The way that she cuts through a room *

* Makes me want to exhume the madness *

* That flits between our lips like dynamite *

* And a moistened wick so

* You feel like a firefly

* Whose lamp's unlit and smothered by the bed *

* The sweat, the dawns of the past *

* The taste of the small, of an old lover's laugh so *

* You bust your bank

* Try to build a better bang for your buck *

* DNA to outdistance

* The tethers that you're tied to *

* The family lines that will hang you out to dry *

* And you wonder why

* Our hearts are such hungry beasts *

* The harder we starve them

* The more all-consuming

* And I understand

* They'll never find the love that they need *

* So we try to run 'em into the ground *

* As I watch her unpack her hair like stacks of black pyramids *

* So I smile like a crack in a dam *

* Or a condemned chair to electric man so *

* She wants stability

* What's that? I can't hear you *

* She wants stability

* So I'll go and buy her a pony *

* She wants stability

* I'll lay my head on a goddamn platter *

* She wants stability

* But in the end, it doesn't really matter, 'cause *

* Our hearts are such hungry beasts *

* The harder we starve them

* The more all-consuming

* And I understand

* They'll never find the love that they need *

* So we try to run 'em into the *

* Our heads are bottled up

* By the most heathen thoughts *

* Our bodies hang in limbo

* Of what we need and what we want *

* She's a cutter, but I love her just the same *

* Undercover, but I never learned her real name *

* She's a gutter, but I love her just the same *

* Undercover, but I never learned her real name *

* She's a cutter, but I love her just the same *

* Undercover, but I never learned her real name *

* I'm an old man, I'm only getting older *

* The world gets younger as I push boulders *

[new song playing]

* Well, I've gone stalking

* Will you answer the door?

* Or will you shutter your heart for good? *

* If love kicks your doors in *

* Will you bow and surrender

* And let your heart win tonight? *