Original subtitles

♪ I can't go home the old man said ♪

♪ There's a rat inside me house ♪

♪ The little girl laughed, and said "don't be daft ♪"

♪ It's only a pink sugar mouse" ♪

That's all it was.

♪ Sometimes it wasn't half as bad as all that ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Don't know exactly what we had ♪

♪ But there were fun times.

Nine elms is the name of a place in London,

south of the river.

There might have been nine trees there once,

but the time we're talking about nine elms didn't mean trees,

it meant foggy winter, the noise of trains.

But most of all, it meant Sam.

The first to show us the world on the other side of the river.

Bella, come here, come here.

Come here.

10 years,

teach you how to do one trick and can't bloody do it.

♪ It's strange how miss Kelly at first came to me ♪

♪ I was riding one day on the bus ♪

♪ I tried to alight without paying me fare ♪

♪ The conductor kicked up such a fuss ♪

♪ I tried to step on the curb ♪

♪ When the horses dashed off to me grief ♪

♪ I fell and I'm sure I'd have broken me neck ♪

♪ But miss Kelly was there underneath ♪

"It's all right for you" I said, health inspectors.

"Then where do you live?" I said.

So I told him,

"where I live it's so damp"

"you could grow mushrooms on the walls."

You shouldn't have told him, love,

he'd put your flippin' rent up. Up them and all.

Here you are. Thanks, I'll pay you tomorrow.

See you later.

Ow! Stupid cow!

Wanna put that in the accident book, mate.

Screw the accident book!

Yeah, may have to soon if the old woman don't give in.

God bless you, God bless you, God bless you.

Thank you very much, love.

♪ Sometimes it wasn't half as bad as all that ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Don't know ♪

♪ Just what it was we had but there were fun times.

Don't annoy the dog, Sonny, she'll pee all over you.

♪ Sometimes, it wasn't half as bad as all that ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Don't know exactly what we had ♪

♪ But there were sometimes ♪

♪ Sometimes, they made me feel important ♪

♪ Only sometimes ♪

What are you staring at? You.

Oh, God bless you, sir.

♪ Sometimes, it wasn't half as bad as all that ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪♪

Come on.

Home!

Want an apple?

Where's Dad? Overtime.

As always, we never see him, do we?

Might as well be orphans. Don't ever say that,

don't ever let me hear you saying that again. It's unlucky.

Shut your ears then.

Don't just stand there. I'm not!

God bless you, sir, God bless you, thank you,

thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Don't just stand there, do something.

Silly sod.

I once went to battle and bravely I fought

as a brave British soldier should do,

then lord Nelson said, "Sam, our powder's run short,

so of course, we're depending on you."

Thousands of zulus came dashing along

and I pushed to the front and I said,

"if you boys don't go, I shall sing you a song."

So they threw down their Spears and they fled.

Might be nice to have a break from your nagging,

the way you talk anybody would think I was off

to bloody seaside for the day.

Not even working, talks about football half the time.

I thought I asked you to get me some bread yesterday.

I did! I didn't ask you to eat it all.

You'll have to get me some,

and, you, it's about time you stopped using that.

He can use it for a goldfish bowl.

Shut your mouth. Shut your own, it's closer.

Not so much of it,

go and get yourself washed, go on.

That Saturday began as most Saturdays do,

with them rowing.

About Dad going off to work

and Mum being left on her own with us.

But overtime meant more money,

and more money meant more chance of that new house

they're always talking about.

Kids, your Dad left you some money, it's on the table.

Here, don't forget to clean your teeth.

Blah!

Hi, Mister, who's dead? Nobody's dead, is there, Mister?

See there's nothing wrong with her

she's just old.

What you got?

Half's mine.

Who says? Our Dad.

Not here now, is he? He's working on a Saturday.

If he works every Saturday and Sunday for a whole month,

he could earn more money than a whole year put together.

You never think

about that, do you?

Too selfish. He said I can have one.

Well, think about it.

If you wanna use that,

someone's gotta pay for the curtains, ain't they?

It's not gonna be you, is it?

He said that you should give me one.

Here, want a sweet? Yeah.

Suck your feet.

Is that them?

That's where he said we were going to live.

With a room for you, one for me

and one for baby James.

Hey you!

What are you doing down there? Get out of here.

Mark!

Mark!

Mark?

Mark?!

Mark?!

Mark?

Mark?

Mark?

Here, go on, out. Private.

Can't you hear?

I said it's private, stay out, keep out.

What are you doing here? I said keep out!

Now clear out of here, it's not Dr. Barnardos home.

Stay away, private property, it's mine.

Stay out.

You little beggar go on, off. Can't catch me. Can't catch me.

Stay out! Stay out of here.

Go on, I'll give you a right thump with this.

Go on, in the house.

Go on.

Give a bitch half a bone, she wants the gravy.

Look, I'm warning you.

Hey, Mister, you're barmey

If you've not left in five seconds,

I'll be at right fault in dropping you over the side.

There's no water.

Don't count on it. Anyway, it's private.

It's not. And wipe your nose.

It's not private. It is, it's mine.

Who says? I said.

It's mine, it's private, can't you talk English?

Bloody kids.

Could have visits anytime. Don't grow up, do they?

Hey, Mister, when are they gonna pull your house down?

Better hurry up before it falls down.

Want to go?

Bet he was in a circus.

Bet he wasn't. Bet his dog was.

Hi, Mister, can we come in and see your house?

Can we look at your house, Mister?

Bet you got nothing in there.

Hey Mister, you're barmey.

Here, out, out.

This is private property, I told you, stay out.

See my finger, see my thumb,

you come in here and I'll kick your bum,

go on out, out, both of you out, out.

Hang about, look at this.

Here, mate, your wheels are going round.

I know, they do a lovely turn.

Here, darling, didn't your Mum ever tell you

about dirty old men like him?

She told me about you. Oh!

Hey, Mister, you've got a hole in your trouser.

Hey, Mister, your shirt's hanging out.

Off! Go on, get off!

Hey, move along, son, you're ruining the act.

There's a good lad, ha-ha!

Get off, get off! If you want!

All right, all right, break it up.

It's a lovely little song that I have dedicated to the ladies

and that I have entitled,

"no matter how long your stockings are,"

"the tops are always nearest..."

"To the bottom."

♪ La di da di dum ♪

♪ La di da di da di da di da di da di dum ♪

♪ La di da di dum ♪

♪ Oh, they used to call her ♪

♪ Mary ♪

♪ But then they took the "r" away ♪

♪ Oh, she wanted to be a flapper, you see ♪

♪ With a cute little name like May ♪

♪ And then a young man came ♪

♪ Romancing ♪

♪ And in an year they called him "Pa" ♪

♪ So they took the "y" away from May ♪

♪ And now they call her "Ma" ♪

♪ Oh they used to call her Mary ♪

♪ And then they took the "r" away ♪

♪ Oh, she wanted to be a flapper, you see.

♪ With a cute little name like May ♪

♪ And then a young man came romancing ♪

♪ And in a year they called him "Pa" ♪

♪ So they took the "y" away from May ♪

♪ And now they call her ♪

♪ What do they call her? ♪

♪ Yes, they all call her "Ma" ♪♪

We don't know our way home, Mister.

They followed us here,

they can follow us back, I suppose.

Here, you hold there and you there.

What's he up to?

Ear wigging, listening inside his head.

Oh, empty bells and cockle shells.

There you are.

Now, don't say I never give you nowt.

What's in it?

You should be grateful,

if I had a house, a nice big house,

I know what I'd do,

I'd have a cat and I'd have a dog

but I'm blowed if I'd have you.

Thanks, Mister!

That's not funny. No, but it's clean.

This a picnic, Mister? Aye.

A picnic's gotta be in the country.

Oh, who told you that? Our Dad.

Did he? Yes.

Picnic's gotta have flowers and grass.

Oh? What else did he say, your Dad?

Tell an apple from an onion 'cause he's always crying?

A picnic's where you're enjoying it.

You enjoying it?

Right, then it's a picnic. A picnic's a flaming picnic.

It's not. That's a rude word,

use your handkerchief.

Coughs and sneezes spread diseases.

Charming manner that child's got. Charming.

Like that fellow who lived next door

spent all day teaching himself how to be a brass band.

Funny thing, he played the fiddle.

What's he doing, ear wigging again?

It's all inside here, you know?

You know that?

Inside your head you can build...

A skyscraper.

Aye. Er...

A palace, and what?

An apple.

An orange.

A steam boat. The lot,

if you think with your eyeballs

and forget all that rot from teachers and fathers

and mothers and cops.

It's magic, it's private, it's yours.

It's not. Here, I told you

that's a rude word, use your handkerchief.

What you playing?

It's private.

♪ Jiminy, golly, gosh, oh gee ♪

♪ I've fallen in love and so has she ♪

♪ I haven't told her, hasn't told me ♪

♪ But we know it just the same ♪

♪ Saturday night on her settee ♪

♪ Oh, what a time it's going to be ♪

♪ I haven't told her, hasn't told me ♪

♪ But we know its just the same ♪

♪ She still calls me "Mister" ♪

♪ But she won't, I know she won't ♪

♪ After I've kissed her ♪

♪ I've got an idea soon she'll be ♪

♪ Cooking my breakfast, wait and see ♪

♪ I haven't told her, hasn't told me ♪

♪ But we know it just the same ♪

♪ She still calls me... ♪♪

Hey. Hey, up.

Funerals are like a stab in the back.

You don't know you've got it till you've had it.

Wasn't much.

Oh, aye? Suppose you'll have a better one?

Better one than yours anyway.

Happens to all of us, you know. What?

Being born.

What's his name, Mister? What's his name?

He hasn't got a name. Why, Mister?

'Cause he's an her.

What her name, Mister?

Bella. Bella's Italian for beautiful.

Bet she won't ever. Won't what?

Ever get dead.

It takes a week to walk a fortnight,

how many apples in a barrel of grapes?

Won't you, Mister? What?

Have a big funeral?

Bigger than Queen Victoria's?

Bigger than Mr. Potter's at the barbers?

Mr. Potter won't know he's deceased.

Will he have flowers?

Oh, I should say so.

Feathers and trumpets, black horses, brass bands,

they'll all be there.

For our Bella, heh heh!

In the middle of Hyde park,

in the biggest cemetery in the world.

You gotta do it in style, you see.

Having a good funeral is like having a good life.

Something to look forward to, you see.

I mean, you've got to let people know when you've gone.

Of course, I've seen it, you know.

It's in the middle of Hyde park.

Towering tombstone,

undertakers with hats as tall as chimneys.

"Come in," they'd say,

"come in and have a nice lie down,"

"if you've nowt else to do."

Oh, aye, you've got to be a special dog

to be buried there.

Is Bella a special dog?

Is she a special dog? What are you talking about?

I told you bella's Italian for beautiful.

Mark my words, they'll remember Bella in Hyde park

when you and me are long gone and forgotten.

Can we come to the funeral, Mister?

Oh, I dare say Bella and me'll send you an invitation.

She's a lady, you know, she's got pedigree and all that,

you'll get invited, with a card, you know.

No, she won't.

Oh, ay, she's lopsided? 'cause she'll be dead,

can't send invitations when you're in your coffin.

Here, turn around.

Go on.

Turn around, both of you.

You'll take me, Mister, won't you to the dog cemetery?

He won't take you 'cause there's not one, is there?

Will you, Mister?

Can we, Mister?

I'll take you.

Where is it then? Don't believe you.

It's across the river, 173 bus, that's where it is.

You'll take me, Mister, won't you?

Across the river?

Can we, Mister? Cross the river?

Oh,

oh, you've changed your mind now, have you?

To see the new building.

The high ones on the other side of the river,

'cause that's where we're gonna live.

Well, as soon as I've fed Bella then.

Can't, Mister, not now, it's our Mum.

Poking fun at me, were you?

She's expecting us.

Tomorrow we can, though, after dinner, honestly.

Oh, I don't know about tomorrow,

tomorrow's another day, isn't it?

I don't know.

I mean... oh.

Come on, Bella, come on. That's a good little girl.

Ta, Mister. I said maybe, mind.

But maybe means perhaps, and perhaps means if

and if means maybe,

and that's all I said, mind.

Ta, Mister, see you tomorrow!

See you tomorrow!

I cannot go to sleep at night when I go to bed,

for fear I'll wake up in the morn

and discover I am dead.

Last night I had a dream that someone took my life,

I screamed out, "murder, spare me, sir,"

"but you're welcome to the wife."

Those little devils,

no sense of time.

The trouble with kids these days,

they don't know about time.

Take the pot to the kettle.

How are you, love?

I'd get a vet for you

but they don't understand artists.

Oh, look at that Rafferty. Heh!

Graceful as a tank.

Accrington hippodrome, remember him?

Accrington hippodrome, that's going back a bit.

They cut his act so short, he opened and closed in a blackout,

I remember that.

What you gonna do now? I wanna cook the dinner.

Yeah,

before I go to work I better have mine early, ain't I?

Here. I ain't even got time.

Come on, it'll only take five minutes.

Where's the baby?

With Liz,

I better lock my door.

Can't stand untidiness.

What was that act, er, Max pollock's?

Ten tiny tuppers, they were on the bill with us at Edinburgh.

You tried to have an affair with his sporran.

Owen Macgregor I remember.

No, wait a minute.

Wait, I know it like me own name.

♪ Hum ti dum ti diddly-dum ti dum ti dum ti um ♪

♪ Diddly-dum ti-dum ♪♪ remember that?

♪ Diddly dum-de-dum.

♪ Hum de dum de dum de dum de dum de dum ♪♪

How would you like me to play at your funeral, eh?

No, I'm only joking.

I'll sign an I.O.U.

I.O. Died and now I've got you.

You're looking better.

Not still waiting for those two are you?

Remember that?

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Blimey, it wasn't that lousy, wait, here, come here.

Where's Dad? Gone back to work.

Sit down. I'll get you your dinner in a minute.

What's that?

Something you've been doing at school?

This one's of a volcano they showed us in a book.

Very nice. Well, look then!

I will in a minute, I'm changing the baby.

Daft bugger, I can't play while you're climbing all over me.

Remember that? You loved that bit.

Quick, we're late.

'Ey up, bloody kids.

I'll pull up the drawbridge. They can't break that down.

You go and tell him we're here.

You took your time, didn't you?

But my time's private time, not public time.

My time, not yours to waste.

My time.

He's not going. Not my fault.

Tickets please.

One and two halves to Hyde park, please.

Thank you.

Where's he gone?

Gentleman's convenience. Oh aye, his boots too tight?

How old is he? 6.

Well, if he wants to be 7...

Why can't Bella come?

A dog's got feelings the same as you have.

Is this it, Mister, the cemetery?

You've got to be a special dog, haven't you?

How'd you get in then?

Haven't you, Mister? Got to be a special dog?

Aye, royalty.

Is Bella a royal dog?

One half, you know,

on her mother's side.

Not disappointed, are you?

Course, it doesn't mean a thing unless you know the history.

You know the history, don't you, Mister?

Oh, practically wrote a book about it.

I would have done if I'd have wrote a book at all.

Stone's cold. That's why they say stone dead.

Makes a very good Grand Marnier souffle,

does the chef here.

See you, Fred.

Yeah, I'll look out for you, Sam.

Hello, hello, hello. We're about to do a show.

Turn around and face this way, come on,

come on, snowy, see you Fred,

and, Billy, face this way, please.

Come on, chubby, Fred. Please, Fred. Thank you.

Now then, I shall pass amongst you

and pick out an object at random from your personal persons,

and my colleague here although completely blindfolded,

will convey to you without any previous knowledge

what that object is.

Excuse me one moment.

Ah, prodigy, what have I got here?

What have I got here?

Concentrate, now latch on to it, latch on to it, prodigy.

A key.

A key, correct. Thank you.

The boy is a marvel,

the boy is a marvel, a living marvel.

I must ask him sometime how he does it.

Right, can we have the first number please, madam?

Con-cen-trate, little genius.

5. 5, correct.

♪ Sometimes it wasn't half as bad as all that ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Sometimes, he nearly made me feel important ♪

♪ Only sometimes ♪

♪ Don't know exactly what we had but they were fun times ♪♪

Thank you very much

indeed.

♪ Sometimes, she made me feel important only sometimes ♪♪

♪ Boom di-di-bang di-di-boody bang-bang ♪

♪ Play me a tune, Mr. bass drum man ♪

♪ Boom di-di-bang di-di-boody bang-bang ♪

♪ Hit that drum as hard as you can ♪

♪ Boom di-di-bang di-di-boody bang bang ♪

♪ Di-di-bang di-di-bang di-di-boody bang-bang ♪

♪ Di-di-bang di-di-boom di-di-boody bang-bang ♪

♪ When I was just a little boy ♪

♪ My folks didn't buy me many things ♪

♪ One day they bought me a wonderful toy ♪

♪ And it was made of tin and yellow painted ends ♪

♪ And soldiers marched around it ♪

♪ When you hit it with a stick it made one hell of a sound ♪

♪ It went boom-di-di-bang di-di-boody bang-bang ♪

♪ Play me a tune, Mr. bass drum man ♪

♪ Boom-di-di-bang di-di-boody bang-bang ♪

♪ Hit that drum as hard as you can ♪

♪ Boom di-di-bang di-di-boody bang-bang ♪

♪ Di-di-bang di-di-bong di-di-boody bang-bang ♪

♪ Years have gone by and I'm older now ♪

♪ And I'm in the music game ♪

♪ Songs and singers come and go ♪

♪ Drummers stay the same ♪

♪ There's an old drummer man gave me this advice ♪

♪ The best I've ever had ♪

♪ He said, son, a good drum makes a bad man good ♪

♪ And a bad one a good man bad, everybody now ♪

♪ Boom di-di-bang di-di-boody bang-bang ♪♪

She's not well. Aye.

She's a right courtesan.

He thought it would give him nowt in return.

Aren't you gonna count it?

No.

♪ Many more saints go marching in ♪

♪ The old drummer man plays like hell ♪

♪ Boom di-di-bang di-di-boody bang-bang ♪

♪ Maybe it should Mister bass drum man ♪

♪ Boom di-di-bang di-di-boody bang-bang ♪

♪ Hit that drum as hard as you can ♪

♪ Boom-di-di... ♪♪

Ta.

Change?

Right, grown ups first.

Ladies next.

Here,

get your chops round that, love.

What's up? Have you lost something?

We have to go. Oh.

You see, I thought that you said that you were going to take me

to see the flats. That's what I thought anyway.

Still, don't matter, I've got an idea,

why don't we...

All go and see the flats!

And we could see the flat at the same time.

Once they were proud of heroes,

heroes like fireman Jim.

Once they would cheer and shake his hand,

when the tale of his life was told,

but the world soon forgets what a hero has done,

when a man like Jim grows old.

That's where we live.

You can't hear them though, can you?

What? The chimes.

Bella's left ear is bigger.

Don't make her no less of a dog, does it?

Shows she's intelligent.

All clever dogs have got bigger left ears.

Sail away, far away, wherever she may be,

take with thee tenderly, a fond memory.

Everything floats away, doesn't it?

You've been all over the world, haven't you?

Oh, aye. Bond street, Piccadilly, Oxford circus.

Was your wife there?

No, no, she went,

took the baby and went.

How? She died.

It's like they all do, they get up on their hind legs

and leave you.

On the platform at crewe without a ticket.

Not like dogs.

She'll never leave me, will you? No.

Listen, I may teach

you nowt else.

You can forget all about humans.

Might just as well take poison.

But a dog,

a dog will always be your friend.

We can't. Can we, Mister?

Can you what? Get a dog.

Well, could you look after one?

Feed it, clean up after it?

And you don't know where to get one?

Right, well, close your eyes.

Close your eyes. Say "abracadabra".

Abracadabra.

Falla-sella-gavins. Fall-sella-gavins.

Ta-dum dah dum dum dum!

Hey! ♪ This old man, he played one ♪

♪ He played knick-knack on my drum ♪

♪ With a knick-knack paddywhack give a dog a bone ♪

♪ This old man came rolling home ♪

♪ This old man, he played 2 ♪

♪ He played knick-knack on my shoe ♪

♪ With a knick-knack paddywhack give a dog a bone ♪

♪ This old man came rolling home ♪

♪ This old man, he played 3 ♪

♪ He played knick

knack on my tree ♪

♪ With a knick-knack paddywhack give a dog a bone ♪

♪ This old man came rolling home ♪

♪ This old man, he played 4 ♪

♪ He played knick-knack on my door ♪

♪ With a knick-knack paddywhack give a dog a bone ♪

♪ This old man came rolling home ♪♪

Can we?

Have a dog? Aye, dog's home, Battersea.

Today?

Closed today. Tomorrow?

Aye. After school?

Aye, after school, aye.

Don't want no tea. Do without then.

Tarra, darling.

I wonder what they'd say if they could talk,

bet it'd be all gimme, gimme, gimme.

Oh, they're all right.

Well, you could always look after mine, darling.

Thanks, I've got enough with me own.

What do they do with them after?

Send 'em to their ancestors.

What's ancestors?

Relations that grow on family trees.

They shouldn't lock 'em up. They should let 'em go.

Who do you think would feed 'em, pigeons?

I would.

This the one you've chosen?

What are you gonna call it?

Battersea. Battersea?

Well, that's original

that's where you found it,

that's what you're gonna call it.

Better than the East Finchley or Neasden, I suppose.

Might have been charing cross.

Is it ours? Yes, after a few formalities.

He's not ear wigging again, is he?

I expect he's telling her

we're coming back after a few formalities.

Excuse me, ah, are you the dog lady?

Only, the fella said we had to see you about the dog.

Where did you lose it?

Well, we didn't lose it, you see,

we found it, didn't we? In the kennels.

Name?

Ellis.

E-L...

L-L-I-S.

That's correct.

Christian name?

Mark. M-A...

I know how to spell it.

Address? Shall I write it?

Now, all we need is for your Mummy or Daddy to sign it.

Anytime between now and Saturday.

How do you mean, Mummy or Daddy? I mean...

Well, we need an adult to be responsible.

Oh, right, right, a Mum or Dad, you mean?

How about their... How about their Grandad?

Where... where would I sign.

Right.

Looks like me an' all, doesn't he?

Only not so pretty. You're older.

Yeah, and you're working yourself up

for a kick up the bum, you are.

Go and sit over there till I call for you.

Don't be rude to your old Grandad.

That's how they used to bring 'em up in our day.

Er, what about me age? You want me age?

Not if you're over 13. I'm over 13, yes.

Now if you'll just wait while I make out the receipt.

What receipt?

We make a nominal charge for a small dog, £3.50.

£3.50 for a small dog? You can have mine for a dollar.

Well, it's only a nominal charge for the expenses,

it's on the form.

I can't read all that small print.

There isn't any small print.

Me eyes... I've got small eyes and everything.

Well, then...

Then you don't want us to reserve the dog?

No, no, reserve the dog, yes, definitely.

Only it's his father, you see, I promised him,

and, uh...

It's his birthday and I don't want to disappoint him,

you understand? I mean, you know?

So, we'll be back.

Before Saturday. Oh, yeah,

before Saturday, we'll be back before Saturday.

Not your Grandad, am I?

Serves you right for telling lies.

You can't eat soap and wash your face with it.

Just 'cause I signed me name.

I mean, I don't even know where you live, do I?

Lying's thieving, ain't it?

Is she still there? Can you hear her?

Really?

You did hear her? Really?

How are we gonna get the

money? How do you think?

How long will it take us?

A month of Sundays. How long's that?

Longer than Saturday anyway.

They said you gotta buy a bottle first

before you can win.

I'd like the money on the empty bottles please.

Thank you, dear.

There. That's for being so kind.

The mean old cow.

If 5 men work for 2 days,

and they got paid one pound an hour

and they work for 10 hours each day,

how much would they get paid? Elizabeth?

How much would they get paid? Elizabeth?!

Not enough, miss.

What time's Dad coming home? When he's finished.

He's never home, is he?

Well, you say it?

It's different, he doesn't do it

cause he likes doing it, does he?

You don't want us to live here all our lives, do you?

Well anyway, always talking about the new flat

never get it. We will.

It's not up to us anyway, it's up to the council.

Besides even if we did get it, doesn't mean we'd enjoy it.

Not as if we've got somebody to look after,

I mean if we had a dog or something,

it could keep us company and keep off burglars.

Burglars?! What have we got to burgle?

Honestly, look at that,

what do you kids get up to? It's not my fault.

Well, you're the oldest, you should look after him.

Why should I? Same reasons we look after you.

They were always that tear in me voice.

People fancied I couldn't rejoice.

It weren't that I really wanted to cry,

I were born with a tear in me voice.

Hmm, come here, and your fairy God-mother.

Sit down.

I want you to babysit, that's all.

Look after her while I'm out working.

5 pence the pair of you.

You haven't got the money for your dog, have you?

What's up? You lost your tongue?

We can't, Mister, it's our Mum.

We gotta go home.

Oh... Gotta go home, aye.

Come on then. Go on, out you go.

What are you waiting for? You've had your invitation?

We can't, Mister, not even if you gave us 10 pennies each.

10 pennies each?

Bloody bed bugs are better company than you are,

go on, out.

Bolt the door behind you.

Invite 'em to the funeral, that should fix it.

All right. Save that for later.

I want to.

You know you can't, we've gotta go home.

10 pence!

That's me last and final offer. What do you say?

You got two hours, haven't you? I can't leave her.

10 pennies each, Mister, an hour?

Oh, that's it, I knew she was bargaining.

You really mean it, don't you, Mister?

Aye, you've got a chisel face.

Well, come in if you're coming.

Give her some milk if she wants it,

you'll need to warm it over there.

And uh, give her one of these dog pills

if she gets a bit...

But don't take none yourself. I'm not a dog.

I'll be back about 3 o'clock.

You better be.

Hey, don't touch anything, you hear?

That's all private, is that. My private things.

If you do I'll know about it.

There's a fellow who lives in that wardrobe,

been in there for years.

And the lodgers.

Ah! I saw that.

I saw it. Ah!

You'd better let her go to sleep.

No, she mightn't wake up.

Might be a blessing.

You're not supposed to touch anything.

What are you doing then?

Supposing he comes back? Supposing, supposing.

8 o'clock, you said. Look after her, you said.

I'd pay, I said.

Who's baby sitting who? That's what I want to know?

Feeling better are we?

A man's got no business doing business with kids,

might as well try riding a three-legged donkey.

Can we have our money, please?

Oh, you're wide awake now, aren't you?

Wide awake, yeah.

Right then. May as well settle me debts.

10, 20, 30, 40, don't be late tomorrow.

Come on.

Bye, Mister. Thanks, Mister.

Bye.

It could have been worse, you know, love.

You might have been run over.

Shall we do the fandango?

Or do you prefer a bit of formation dancing?

Have we got enough?

One pound, fifteen pennies. How much do we want?

Tomorrow after school.

The gates of hell.

Best repent for your sins, mate.

Haven't got any, can't afford them.

Aye, aye, it's our Georgie.

Hey, Georgie, you know what Gee calls you?

Passion pants.

Can't help being handsome, now, can he?

No, but it helps.

Hey, you two!

What are you doing down there?

Go on, out!

Go on, out! Don't you know your own Dad?

Go on, out!

Wait for me outside!

So, what's wrong? Nothing.

Nothing? So what did you break in for?

You could have had an accident, got burnt,

broken your neck or something? You know that?

You say it's nothing. Now come on, what is it?

We wanted to talk to you.

Wanted to ask you something. What?

Don't matter. Oh, that's great, ain't it?

That's typical, that is.

Almost lose me me job and now it don't matter.

Well, what don't? And don't say nothing.

You've got a face like a horse's backside

and you say it's nothing. Now come on, what is it?

We want some money.

Yeah, don't we all.

Only 2 pounds.

2 pounds? Why not a fiver?

Or didn't you know they made them that colour?

We want to get something.

Yeah, you're lucky you didn't get it from me.

Clout round the ear hole. Now come on, clear off.

Cos I'm in a good mood, see you at home.

Aren't you coming then? I'm still working, aren't I?

Then I've got an appointment at the housing.

We wanted to talk to you. Well, you're talking.

Now don't tell your mother, it's supposed to be a surprise.

Run along, clear off, I'll see you in the morning.

Sorry we're late, Mister, it was our Dad.

Did he give you the money?

Oh, no, you wouldn't be here if he did, would you?

Ruddy cows' milk, ought to be dog's milk.

No wonder she's not getting any better.

Here. Watch it, it's hot.

Aren't you going out then?

Oh, after your lolly, are you?

Aren't you going out then? Ha-ha.

Put hat on, coat on, down the street,

or fella there will get nowt to eat.

I'll give you fair warning. If you're late again,

you'll be too late.

Hm.

Didn't you go then?

Aye, it's me outside and me ghost in here.

It were raining, so I didn't feel like doing any dancing

you know, never do in the rain.

Hey, he's finished,

why don't you give her some more?

I'll do it. Oh, no, no, I'll do it.

I've been managing by meself for 20 years.

Women's faults are few,

everything they say and everything they do.

You can go out, I'm staying in.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Sit down.

I've got a proposition I'm going to make to you.

Get your eyes on that lot.

Now then... How much do you still need for your dog?

Eh?

One pound,

one pound 10,

one pound 20, one pound 30,

one pound 40. Any advance on 40?

Do I hear an advance on 40?

One pound 50, one pound 60,

5. 5 to the lady.

One pound 65.

So that's, er... 5 hours in advance

we'll call that, shall we?

You come back tomorrow then we'll go and get your mongrel.

If you like, Mister. If I like?

Is that all you got to say?

Thanks Mister.

That's better.

Right, off you go then.

Here.

Hang on.

Here.

Before I change me mind.

I change me mind more than you change your underwear.

Come on, lazy bones, rise and shine, come on.

Now that surprised you,

hey?

Did you get it? What?

The new house? Well, did you?

What do you think?

4 more weeks we say goodbye to this lot.

Yeah, we say goodbye to that as well.

You'll have to learn to do without that.

Hey, what's that for?

For you. Did you tell Mum?

Yeah, we're going shopping afterwards,

so if you wanna come, you better hurry.

No, I don't think so, she'll only shout at us.

Now don't be cheeky, where are you going?

Washing. What are you taking that for?

Nothing to do with you anyway, no.

No wonder your ma goes crazy locked up with you all day.

Over, go over.

Under, come on, go under.

No, over.

Now under, now under.

Over, over, under.

That's not the way to do it.

I'll show you how we do it in the circus, shall I?

Now come here, hold that.

Give us Battersea. Come here, Battersea.

And right, Battersea show it to her first.

Now come on, allez-oop, that's it, that's a lovely dog.

And this way,

allez-oop! And again and...

Now then, this is how you teach him to beg.

You take a morsel of food in the right hand,

here, Battersea.

Hop, hop, come on, hop, that's it.

Now, now, that's a good girl. Come on, what's that?

What is it? You see, now look at that.

See, eating out of me hand like a tame mongrel.

That's very good, that's very good is that you see.

Now, if I leave it,

it should stay there, wait a minute,

stay there, stay, stay, stay, stay, oh!

Eya! See, first round.

She fell over. I know.

Aye, give her a chance, she's new to it.

Go on, stand up, love. That's it.

Stand, stand, good girl, good girl, stay. Oh!

Look at that, see, one finger, look at that.

Isn't that lovely? Look at it, look, see?

Now stay, now come on, come on stay, stay.

It's easy really. Now...

I'll sit there with you like that, you see?

And we sit and watch the... Watch the river.

Come and sit next to her.

Hold the other hand, sit next to her like that.

That's it and look out there, you see?

Pretend we don't know she's doing it too,

that's it, isn't it lovely?

Leave her.

It's all this sunshine and fresh air,

gasworks on sea.

Do you want us to babysit for her, Mister?

No, no.

Well, maybe later, I don't know, a bit later.

Bye. Bye, love.

Bye!

Whose silly idea was this anyway?

Yours, I suppose?!

Oh yeah, I haven't got enough to do,

I want another sticky mess.

Because I want it out.

Well, what you closing

oh, so you want the whole house to hear?

Yeah, well, if you think I'm so stupid,

why not let 'em all know.

Yeah, all right, so it wasn't your idea,

so where did they get the money from, eh?!

So where did you get the money from?

Come on where did you get the money from?

We bought it. Oh, I can believe that.

Oh, yes, I can just believe that.

It was our own money. This is my house

so you can just take that right out again.

Come on, out, I don't want any more!

Leave her! Leave her!

Now look at that, another rotten mess!

It's your own fault, pulling it about like that.

What do you expect the thing to do,

get up and dance for you?

Here, you, go tie it up out in the backyard, come on!

And you go and get a bucket.

Shan't.

Do you want me to tan your backside?

Eh?!

Fascists!

Now listen, I'm trying to be reasonable,

I don't care where you got it from

I just want you to take it straight back.

Not going to, you got your new house?

Now what's that got to do with it?

Well, why can't we keep our new dog?

Because you can't.

I'm trying to explain to you,

even if I said you could, you can't

because they don't allow them.

They do. I'm telling you,

there's a big sign up outside saying no animals and no pets.

They do, I've seen them.

And wash your hands.

Is she calling me a liar?

I don't know why you bother to even talk to them.

Sit down here and have your dinner

the council don't allow dogs.

They do, we've seen them.

That's it!

You can have your dinner when we come back!

We'll soon see who's calling me a liar

and if I'm right that bitch goes right back

do you understand?

Where do you think you're going?

Across the river.

You're getting very grand all of a sudden, ain't you?

We thought... That's Westminster.

Well, you coming or aren't you?

Now you can read can't you? Now go on read it,

go on, read it. Go on.

Notice to tenants... Yeah, yeah, go on.

By order of the council... Yeah!

In pursuance of their authority, yeah, go on, go on!

Under section 4 of the housing act,

go on, the next bit, the next bit, go on.

No pets... Yeah, what, no pets

go on read it again. What?

No pets... Yeah!

Of any kind... Yeah.

To be kept, house... Yeah, go on, go on.

You're not coming.

Why can't I?

Because you're not.

I'm coming.

I say, I say, I say.

What do you say, what do you say?

Is it cruel to stick pins in spiders?

Of course it's cruel to stick pins in spiders.

Then can you tell me why they show buttons as eyes?

I don't wish to know that, kindly leave the slums.

All right, gentlemen, from the top,

a 1, 2, 3.

♪ Sometimes, it wasn't half as bad as all that ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

That's it...

A big rest.

♪ Sometimes, it wasn't half as bad as all that ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

Give us the dog.

Oh, 'ere,

get that mangy, bloody thing

with a leg in each corner out of here, go.

All of you, out, go on, out!

Out of here,

I want you out of here, out, out.

I thought I told you to go.

We've come to live with you.

Oh, aye?

We can go busking together.

♪ My name is Sammy loll, Sammy loll ♪

♪ My name is Sammy loll, Sammy loll ♪

♪ My name is Sammy loll ♪

♪ And I hates you one and all ♪

♪ I hates you and one and all ♪

♪ Blast your eyes

she's dead, isn't she, Mister?

Aye, she's dead, aye.

She's gone, like they all do.

You know, when I was a little boy,

I come home from school one day,

and I found me folks had moved.

They kept leaving little hints like,

wrapping me lunch up in a road map, you know.

Go on,

out of the house.

I don't want any more of you or your mongrel. Go on, out.

I thought we could

share her, Mister,

it was your money.

We could teach her a few tricks.

Yeah. After the funeral?

Funeral?

You're lying, aren't you, Mister?

There's not gonna be no funeral, is there?

Lying?

Oh, lying, lying in state,

lying in state with great shiny trumpets and er...

And flowers?

Aye.

Bells, Canterbury bells.

It's a dustcart for Bella.

Dustcart for us ones.

You've seen 'em, you know they dump it all in barges

and take it out to sea, that's the end of it.

They give you a couple of glasses,

drink their health with the compliments of the management,

as you're going under. Ha-ha.

Oh, aye, it's gonna be a big funeral, all right.

In Hyde park?

Aye, in Hyde park, aye,

it's only been closed 100 years,

they're bound to open it up for me, for old Sam.

I mean me being the common man, you know.

Handsome servant of the queen.

Is that what you want?

Is that what you want, is it?

It's all gone.

Go on, turn around.

♪ Champagne Charlie is my name ♪

♪ Champagne Charlie is my name ♪

♪ Game for anything a nice nice boy... ♪

♪ Game... ♪

No peeking now.

If you don't find me here when I come back.

It's 'cause I don't want you here, understand?

No funeral, I don't like it.

A sailor was saying farewell to his whore,

he was saying farewell, cheerio.

♪ Oh, a goodbye Mary-Ann, I'm going away to sea ♪

♪ I'm going away to sea, to see, to see what I can see ♪

♪ And when I come back Mary-Ann, you'll fill me with delight ♪

♪ So it's goodbye forever, I'll be back tomorrow night ♪♪

It's nothing, I just slipped.

Not enough sawdust.

Mind yourself.

We're not supposed to be here he doesn't want us.

Ugh!

Even if there's a funeral?

He doesn't want a funeral.

He does, he's just a little bit upset, that's all.

You mustn't. Got to, for the bus.

Put this back, I'm gonna write him a note explaining.

I say, I say, I say.

What would you like, sir? Hmm?

I'll have a large, I say.

Well?

Nothing, not a sign. Little...

Well, they must have said something?

Nothing, I told you.

Oh shut him up, feed him or whatever it is you have to do.

They'll be home when they're hungry.

Where the hell did they get the little bleeder anyway?

Oh, I thought that was supposed to be my fault.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

What difference does it make where they got it from?

The kids could be dead, in hospital, anything,

all you think about is their bloody dog!

What do you expect me to do,

go traipsing round the bloody streets all night?

Yes, I do!

Are you coming?

Give us it then.

Cowardy. I'm not.

Coming? There's nothing to be frightened of.

How's things?

Bleedin' terrible.

Go on, go on, off.

I don't like it.

It's only because you haven't eaten.

Just dark and dead dogs, it can't hurt you.

Where are we gonna bury it? Over there?

No, they'll see us.

Here, here!

They tell me you've been hanging around with my kids.

And don't say you haven't 'cause they've seen you!

And what about this note, eh?

Eh?

Well, don't muck about!

I asked you where are they? Where are they?

How did you find him?

Fellow in a pub.

What do you reckon to his story?

Well, I've seen him around.

I'll tell you this,

if anything's happened to my kids,

if there's a spare plot in your cemetery.

I'm gonna bury him.

Me-LAN-ie

Melanie.

Go on, Grandpa.

On your way, sailor.

I told you!

People down here are trying to sleep,

I'll set her on you.

Oh! Ow-ow!

Oh, now what?

Pains, I can't stand up.

I can't stand up.

Grandpa!

Stop!

Nice night for a walk.

Is this the place?

I'll just unlock the gate.

Here, you look after her.

Oh, you're worried about her now, are you? Look mate, if this is a wild goose chase...

Come on, forget it.

Wild geese, very tasty.

I like a nice goose.

It's the hair that keeps 'em warm.

You must be lovely and cosy.

Oh!

Oh, what a stupid place for him to bring the kids.

He shouldn't have brought 'em in, in here.

Honestly, when I get my hands on those two I'll...

Oh, I don't know.

There's nothing more we can do here.

What about the note they left with him out there?

Oh, they could be lost anywhere, the park's a big place.

No use hanging around here.

Anything? Nothing.

What do you wanna do with the two of these?

Settle in for a night?

I'll stick around a bit just in case.

If you could get a message to my wife.

You want me to, er...

Stay around?

No, no, I'll be all right.

I wish you joy of him.

Oh it's you, is it?

What makes you think they're coming back?

I don't think, mate.

They're your kids, not mine.

You're staying awake?

I asked you something.

Yeah.

You're very strong, aren't you?

Very strong.

Must be all the hard work you do.

What for?

People like you bring kids into the world,

don't know what they're all about.

All you can say is, "no, no, you can't,"

"no, don't do that, don't do that, you can't."

You can!

That's what it's all about, mate, you can.

It's not filling their bellies with bread and butter,

what about a bit of bread and butter up here?

That's where they need it, you know?

A little bit of the old glass ball, a bit of magic

a bit of dream boats going on in here.

Tell a person like you that

I may as well tell 'em to clean their teeth

with a white wash brush, now look here,

if you interfere with my knees again,

I'll give you a swift kick in the gorbals

that'll bring tears to your eyes twice nightly.

Right.

I'm drawing the curtains and going to kip.

Where the hell have you been?

Come on.

Your Mum's worried sick about you.

Quick! Catch up! They're getting away.

When I grow up I wanna be a soldier.

Why, you like fighting? No, I just want a horse.