Original subtitles

PRESTON: I'M PRESTON WAINWRIGHT AND THIS IS MY

MOM AMANDA.

SHE'S A UNITED STATES POSTAL INSPECTOR WHICH

MEANS SHE SOLVES ANY CRIME THAT USES THE MAIL.

MY DAD WAS AN INSPECTOR TOO, ONE OF THE BEST,

UNTIL I LOST HIM AND THE USE OF MY LEGS IN A CAR

ACCIDENT.

NOW I'M FOLLOWING MY OWN DREAM WITH AN INTERNSHIP

IN THE CRIME LAB AND THE HELP OF MY BEST FRIENDS.

TOGETHER WE ARE THE INSPECTORS.

RADIO: COPY THAT, YOU ARE 10-8 BACK TO HEADQUARTERS

WITH ONE SUSPECT IN CUSTODY.

MITCH: THIS ONE REALLY HAD ME FOOLED.

LOOKS LEGIT.

IT'S ALL FROM ASIA.

OH...I WOULD'VE MADE A HUGE IMPULSE BUY ON THIS

HANK AARON BASEBALL.

AMANDA: LOOK AT THIS...LOOK AT THIS PRICE.

$15,000 DOLLARS.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK OF ALL THE PEOPLE THIS GUY

RIPPED OFF BEFORE WE FOUND HIM.

IT'S DISGUSTING.

MITCH: WELL HE RIPPED THEM OFF THROUGH THE MAIL, BIG

MISTAKE.

AMANDA: HUGE.

PUT A STAMP ON IT, BECAME OUR JURISDICTION.

MITCH: THERE'S LIKE 2,000 GAME BALLS HERE, 500 BATS.

I JUST FEEL BAD FOR THE REAL FANS WHO TREASURE

THIS STUFF.

AMANDA: ANYONE WHO BOUGHT ANYTHING FROM THIS GUY

BASICALLY HAS A CABINET FULL OF WORTHLESS JUNK.

HATE BREAKING THIS KIND OF NEWS, IT CRUSHES PEOPLE.

MITCH: YEAH, WELL WE PUT HIM OUT OF BUSINESS.

VERONICA: PRESTON, WE'RE GONNA MISS THE KICKOFF,

WE GOTTA ROLL.

PRESTON: I'M ALWAYS ROLLING.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

TOO VAGUE?

VERONICA: PERFECT.

NOAH: MY TURN, CHECK IT OUT.

THE "O" IN JAMESTOWN.

I'LL BE CHEERING IN THE STANDS RIGHT BETWEEN THE T

AND THE W.

PRESTON: NICE.

YOU COULD USE SOME MANSCAPING THOUGH MAN,

THAT O IS LOOKING A LITTLE FUZZY.

VERONICA: WAIT A MINUTE NOAH, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED

TO BE THE J?

NOAH: OH MAN.

I'M GETTING A SICK FEELING.

JUST LIKE THE 2ND GRADE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT, I WAS

SUPPOSED TO BE THE CAMEL AND I FORGOT MY HUMP.

LET ME MAKE SURE.

FRANKLIN: HEY, WHAT'S UP GUYS?

VERONICA: HEY FRANKLIN.

PRESTON: HEY FRANKLIN.

NOAH: HEY FRANKLIN.

FRANKLIN: SWEET SIGN.

LOOKS LIKE COLLEGE IS REALLY PAYING OFF.

PRESTON: GETTING READY FOR THE BIG GAME.

FRANKLIN: YEAH, I'M GONNA CATCH IT ON THE RADIO.

AND NOAH, HERE'S THAT PACKAGE YOU'VE BEEN

WAITING FOR.

LET ME GUESS, SLIPPERS AGAIN FOR YOUR DAD'S

BIRTHDAY?

BET HE CAN'T WAIT TO GET THESE.

HE'LL PARK THEM RIGHT NEXT TO THE SAME ONES YOU GOT

HIM LAST YEAR.

PRESTON: YOU GONNA BE HERE FOR THE SURPRISE PARTY?

FRANKLIN: WOULDN'T MISS IT.

YOU GUYS ENJOY THE GAME AND GO PRESIDENTS!

VERONICA: BYE FRANKLIN.

PRESTON: SEE YA FRANKLIN.

NOAH: I'M NOT THE O, I'M THE J.

I'M THE MOST IMPORTANT LETTER; I START THE WHOLE

WORD.

PRESTON: UH OH.

AMANDA: AFTER YOU.

ELLISON: THANK YOU.

AMANDA: THANK YOU AGAIN MR. ELLISON FOR COMING

FORWARD AND ALERTING US TO THIS INDIVIDUAL.

REST ASSURED WE'LL DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO PUT

HIM AWAY.

ELLISON: ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP KEEP THE CREEPS

OFF THE STREETS.

I MEAN THEY'RE RUINING MY BUSINESS.

THIS STUFF IS JUST TOO EASY TO COUNTERFEIT.

AMANDA: OH, AND AS A HEADS-UP, BECAUSE OF YOUR

KNOWLEDGE IN THE FIELD OF SPORTS MEMORABILIA YOU MAY

BE CALLED IN TO COURT TO TESTIFY AS AN EXPERT

WITNESS.

ELLISON: I'M HAPPY TO DO IT.

YOU HAVE MY NUMBER BUT JUST IN CASE.

MITCH: HEY.

GOT OUR VICTIMS MCKINNON'S DOWN THE HALL.

AMANDA: HELLO MR. AND MRS. MCKINNON.

THANK YOU FOR COMING IN.

I'M INSPECTOR AMANDA WAINWRIGHT, THIS IS

INSPECTOR MITCHELL MEYER.

MRS. MCKINNON: AND YOU'RE GOING TO HELP US, RIGHT?

TO GET THE MONEY BACK?

WE NEED TO SELL THE COLLECTION NOW BECAUSE

CHARLES HAS RETIRED AND SOCIAL SECURITY JUST ISN'T

ENOUGH.

AND NOW THEY SAY THAT OUR MEMORABILIA IS WORTHLESS.

PLEASE, JUST TELL US HOW WE CAN GET OUR MONEY.

MITCH: BELIEVE ME, WE UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU FOLKS

ARE GOING THROUGH.

BUT WHY DON'T YOU LET US TELL YOU WHAT WE NEED FROM

YOU, OKAY?

MR. MCKINNON: ANYTHING.

WE'LL DO WHATEVER YOU NEED.

AMANDA: I'M SURE YOU'VE KEPT RECORDS OF YOUR

PURCHASES.

THOSE WILL BE VERY USEFUL IN HELPING US BUILD A

CASE.

THE MORE DETAIL THE BETTER.

MR. MCKINNON: WE'VE GOT IT ALL.

MITCH: NOW, AS TO YOUR MONEY, WELL I'M AFRAID

THAT'S JUST NOT SOMETHING THAT WE CAN GUARANTEE.

MRS. MCKINNON: YOU MEAN WE'RE WIPED OUT?

NOAH: THIS THING IS COMING OFF.

VERONICA: THAT MIGHT JUST WORK, KEEP GOING.

NOAH: FRANKLIN WAS RIGHT, GOTTA GET MY DAD A BETTER

GIFT THIS YEAR.

SO I'M GONNA ASK HIM TO HELP ME OUT ON A CAR, ANY

GOOD IDEAS?

PRESTON: DUDE, YOU GOTTA EXPAND YOUR THINKING

BEYOND FOOTWEAR.

WHAT'S HE LIKE TO DO?

NOAH: HE LIKES TO SLEEP.

HE ALSO LIKES TO PLAY GOLF.

BUT HE HAS A BILLION CLUBS ALREADY.

HE LIKES TO EAT; MOSTLY SANDWICHES.

PRESTON: DUDE, I GOT THE PERFECT GIFT; GET HIM A

HAM.

VERONICA: YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

NOAH: REALLY?

VERONICA: YEAH.

JUST GET ONE OF THOSE GIANT ONES.

THEY COME ALREADY COOKED AND SLICED; YOU CAN JUST

PEEL IT OFF THE BONE FOR MONTHS.

PRESTON: WE HAD ONE AT CHRISTMAS, HAD OUR LAST

SANDWICH ON LABOR DAY.

IT'S ENDLESS HAM.

AND EVERY TIME HE EATS A SLICE HE'S GONNA THINK OF

HIS LOVING AND GRATEFUL SON WHO GOT HIM SOME MEAT

AND NOW IS GONNA GET HIM A CAR.

NOAH: YOU GUYS ARE MESSING WITH ME.

ALTHOUGH EVEN A HAM IS BETTER THAN SLIPPERS.

PRESTON: TRUE.

AMANDA: SO WHO WON THE FOOTBALL GAME?

PRESTON: OH, THE COUGARS BEAT US BUT NO ONE CARED.

THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE GAME WAS WHEN NOAH GOT CHASED

AROUND BY THE GUY IN THE MASCOT SUIT.

NOAH CUT HIS TAIL OFF AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERED

AFTER THAT.

AMANDA: NOAH.

HE'S REALLY TRYING TO CRAM A LOT INTO HIS COLLEGE

EXPERIENCE ISN'T HE?

PRESTON: YEAH.

AMANDA: HEY, WE DID A TAKE-DOWN TODAY.

GUY ON A BOGUS SPORTS MEMORABILIA SCAM.

PRESTON: OH THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING.

AMANDA: YEAH, WE UNCOVERED IT THANKS TO A TIP FROM A

LEGITIMATE DEALER.

VERY RELIABLE.

HAS A SHOP DOWN ON 6TH STREET.

PRESTON: IS HE A SUSPECT?

AMANDA: NO, NO, NO.

HE'S JUST AN EXPERT HELPING US WITH THE CASE.

I'D SAY IT WAS A GOOD DAY - FOR EVERYBODY BUT THE

MASCOT.

OOH, SPEAKING OF WHICH, DID ANYBODY GET NOAH ON

VIDEO?

PRESTON: ARE YOU KIDDING ME, WE PUT MUSIC TO IT.

NOAH RUNNING AROU ND THE FOOTBALL FIELD IN HIS

JERSEY WAVING A TAIL, IT WAS AWESOME.

AMANDA: I HOPE HE KEPT IT AS A SOUVENIR.

YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD TO TALK SPORTS AGAIN IN THIS

HOUSE.

PRESTON: YEAH.

[PHONE DIALS]

NOAH, DUDE, I HAVE AN AWESOME IDEA FOR YOUR

DAD'S GIFT.

MALE: I'VE BEEN SEARCHING ALL WEEK FOR THE ANSWER TO

QUESTION 7 ON THE PHYSICS ASSIGNMENT; THE ONE ABOUT

DEFINING STATISTICAL MECHANICS.

PRESTON, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

PRESTON: WELL I KNOW THIS IS GONNA SOUND LIKE A

BUNCH OF MUMBO-JUMBO BUT HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO

REMEMBER; MICROSCOPIC MECHANICAL LAWS DO NOT

CONTAIN CONCEPTS SUCH AS TEMPERATURE, HEAT AND

ENTROPY.

HOWEVER....

NOAH: CHECK IT OUT BRO.

YOUR IDEA WAS EPIC.

PRESTON: NICE - HANG ON ONE SECOND.

HOWEVER, STATISTICAL MECHANICS SHOW HOW THESE

CONCEPTS ARISE FROM THE NATURAL UNCERTAINTY ABOUT

THE STATE OF A SYSTEM WHEN THAT SYSTEM IS PREPARED IN

PRACTICE.

ALRIGHT, HERE'S THE KEY TO ACING THINGS; OPEN A BOOK,

STUDY YOUR BRAINS OUT, EASY-PEASY.

I GOTTA GO.

DUDE, LET ME SEE THAT.

DAN MARINO?

IS THAT GAME-WORN?

NOAH: YOU KNOW IT IS.

HE'S MY DAD'S HERO.

HE STILL HAS AN ENTIRE GIANT PRETZEL PERFECTLY

PRESERVED THAT HE BOUGHT AT DAN MARINO'S LAST GAME.

I THINK THERE'S STILL SOME MUSTARD ON IT.

COOL IF I STASH THE JERSEY HERE UNTIL THE PARTY?

PRESTON: YEAH, NO WORRIES.

HEY, WHERE'S THE CERTIFICATE OF

AUTHENTICITY?

NOAH: THE WHAT?

PRESTON: THE CERTIFICATE THAT VERIFIES IT'S THE

REAL DEAL.

PROVES IT'S AUTHENTIC AND JACKS UP THE PRICE IN CASE

YOUR DAD EVER WANTS TO RE-SELL IT OR BRAG ABOUT

HOW MUCH HIS SON SPENT ON IT.

HOW MUCH DID THAT COST BY THE WAY?

NOAH: A LOT.

BORROWED THE MONEY FROM MY GRANDMOTHER.

OH MAN, HER BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP TOO.

PRESTON: DUDE, YOU GOTTA GO BACK AND GET THAT

CERTIFICATE.

THE GUY PROBABLY JUST FORGOT IT OR MAYBE YOU

LEFT IT ON THE COUNTER OR SOMETHING.

COME ON, LET'S GO GRAB IT.

NOAH: YOU GOT ANY IDEAS FOR GRAMMY?

AMANDA: ANY LEADS ON WHERE THE PERP MIGHT'VE STASHED

THE MCKINNON'S MONEY?

MITCH: NO, NO.

I HAVE CHECKED HIS ASSETS, HIS SPENDING HABITS,

BILLS.

THIS GUY LIVES SIMPLER THAN GHANDI.

AMANDA: HE'S BEEN AT THIS SPORTS MEMORABILIA SCAM

FOR 20 YEARS.

YOU DON'T PUT IN THAT KIND OF TIME TO END UP BROKE.

EITHER HE'S THE WORLD'S WORST BUSINESSMAN OR THE

SMARTEST CROOK WHO EVER LIVED.

MITCH: WELL I'M GONNA HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER WAY THEN

'CAUSE AT THIS POINT IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S GONNA

BE NO RESTITUTION FOR THE MCKINNON'S OR ANY OF THE

OTHER VICTIMS FOR THAT MATTER.

AMANDA: WE GOTTA DIG DEEPER.

THIS IS HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS, IT'S

SOMEWHERE.

MITCH: WELL I'M ALL FOR DIGGING, BUT WHERE?

AMANDA: THE TEAM'S STILL LOGGING EVIDENCE AT THE

WAREHOUSE, I'M GONNA HEAD OVER THERE, SEE WHAT I CAN

FIND.

MITCH: I'LL KEEP CRANKING AWAY HERE.

WE'LL MEET BACK AT 17:00 HOURS?

AMANDA: MITCH, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY THE REAL

TIME?

WHAT IS 17:00?

NOW I GOTTA THINK; AFTERNOON, 1:00 IS 13,

2:00 IS 14, 3:00 IS 15...

5:00.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SAY 5:00?

MITCH: OKAY.

WE'LL MEET BACK WHEN THE BIG HAND IS ON THE 12 AND

THE LITTLE HAND IS ON THE 5.

AMANDA: I HAD TO ASK.

ELLISON: MY APOLOGIES, I'M USUALLY VERY CAREFUL ABOUT

THAT KIND OF STUFF BUT IT'S BEEN KIND OF A CRAZY

WEEK AND YOU DIDN'T ASK.

MOST PEOPLE USUALLY ASK.

NOAH: YEAH, I WANT ONE.

ELLISON: I MEAN YOU REALLY ONLY NEED ONE OF THOSE

CERTIFICATES IF YOU'RE A SERIOUS INVESTOR FOR

RE-SALE.

BUT YOU SAID IT WAS A PRESENT FOR YOUR DAD, HE'S

A BIG FAN?

I FIGURE THAT'D BE SOMETHING HE'D WANT TO

KEEP FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

I'LL GO GRAB IT FOR YOU.

NOAH: THINK MY GRAMMY WOULD LIKE THIS OLD-SCHOOL

CATCHER'S MASK?

PRESTON: YES.

NOAH: REALLY?

PRESTON: NO.

MAN: ALL I KNOW IS THAT THIS GUY PAID HIS BILL ON TIME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE, I NEVER ASKED.

MITCH: IF YOU DON'T MIND I'M GONNA STEP BACK.

LAST TIME I OPENED ONE OF THESE THINGS I GOT

ATTACKED BY A RABID POSSUM AND HER RABID LITTLE

FAMILY.

AMANDA: JACKPOT.

[MITCH WHISTLES]

PRESTON: HUH, THE 1993 GAME VERSUS THE

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS.

ELLISON: AND YOU REALLY ONLY NEED ONE OF THOSE

CERTIFICATES IF YOU'RE A SERIOUS INVESTOR FOR

RE-SALE.

YOU SAID IT WAS A PRESENT FOR YOUR DAD, HE'S A BIG

FAN?

I FIGURED THAT'D BE SOMETHING HE'D WANT TO

KEEP FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

IT'S BEEN KIND OF A CRAZY WEEK.

MY APOLOGIES.

USUALLY VERY CAREFUL ABOUT...

YOU REALLY ONLY NEED ONE OF THOSE CERTIFICATES IF

YOU'RE A SERIOUS INVESTOR FOR RE-SALE.

YOU DIDN'T ASK; MOST PEOPLE USUALLY ASK.

PRESTON: SO HOW DID YOU KNOW HE WAS LYING DAD?

DAD: WELL I MEAN THE GUY TALKED TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW.

SURE SIGN OF SOMEBODY WHO'S GUILTY; TOO MUCH

INFORMATION.

COMPUTER ANNOUNCER: BAD NEWS FOR THE DOLPHINS;

QUARTERBACK DAN MARINO IS OFFICIALLY OUT FOR THE

REMAINDER OF THE 1993 SEASON.

MARINO RUPTURED HIS RIGHT ACHILLES TENDON IN THE

CLEVELAND GAME YESTERDAY AND IS LOOKING AT POSSIBLE

SURGERY AND A MINIMUM OF 6 MONTHS OF REHAB.

AFTER A MUCH-NEEDED BYE THIS WEEK BACK-UP QB SCOTT

MITCHELL WILL MOST LIKELY BE GUNNING FOR MIAMI IN

NEXT WEEK'S GAME AGAINST THE COLTS.

NOAH: THIS JERSEY IS FAKE?

PRESTON: MARINO WAS INJURED; HE NEVER EVEN

PLAYED IN THAT GAME YOUR JERSEY IS SUPPOSEDLY FROM.

IT WAS HIS BACK-UP, SCOTT MITCHELL.

NOAH: OH MAN.

PRESTON: HEY, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, JUST RETURN IT

AND GET YOUR MONEY BACK.

NOAH: RETURN IT?

I'M GONNA JUMP ALL OVER THAT GUY.

RIGHT, WHAT AM I SAYING?

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

PRESTON: NO.

YOU KNOW WHO IS GONNA BE ALL OVER THAT GUY?

MY MOM, INSPECTOR AMANDA WAINWRIGHT.

AMANDA: NOAH, I'M SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU.

BUT I'M GLAD YOU GOT YOUR MONEY BACK.

NOAH: I'M SO GULLIBLE; I SEEM TO TRUST EVERYONE.

AMANDA: LISTEN, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP, WE ALL BOUGHT

ELLISON'S STORY.

HE WAS GOING TO BE AN EXPERT WITNESS FOR US.

PRESTON: YEAH, THE GUY WAS JUST TRYING TO GET RID OF

HIS COMPETITION.

AMANDA: I THINK WE HAVE ENOUGH TO START AN

INVESTIGATION ON ELLISON.

AND NOAH, EVENTUALLY YOU MAY NEED TO TESTIFY AS A

WITNESS.

NOAH: I'M THERE.

YOU HAVE A WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM DON'T

YOU?

I STILL DON'T HAVE A GIFT FOR MY DAD.

WE MIGHT HAVE TO REVISIT THE HAM IDEA; STORE'S OPEN

UNTIL 11:00.

PRESTON: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU COULD DO IS CALL DAN

MARINO.

NO, GET A HOLD OF HIS AGENT OR MANAGER OR

WHATEVER.

TELL HIM WHAT HAPPENED, HOW YOUR DAD IS A HUGE FAN

AND MAYBE HE'D SEND HIM A SIGNED ITEM.

NOAH: WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?

PRESTON: LET'S FIND OUT.

GEORGIA: THE ITEMS THAT WERE SENT TO YOU THROUGH

PRIORITY EXPRESS MAIL FROM THIS NEW SUSPECT DONALD

ELLISON, THEY'RE ALL COUNTERFEIT.

THIS JERSEY WAS PROBABLY MADE A FEW MONTHS AGO IN

BANGLADESH.

AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE BALL.

ACCORDING TO THE CERTIFICATE IT WAS SIGNED

IN 1958 BY MICKEY MANTLE, BUT THE BALL IS COWHIDE SO

IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE REAL.

MITCH: RIGHT, 'CAUSE ALL MAJOR LEAGUE BALLS WERE

MADE WITH HORSEHIDE BACK THEN.

GEORGIA: EXACTLY.

AND TAKE A LOOK AT THESE NOTARIZED SIGNATURES FROM

'58 AND '92.

LOOK CLOSELY AT THE E'S AND THE S'S; THEY'RE ALL

DONE BY THE SAME HAND.

AMANDA: MR. ELLISON OFFERED TO COME IN ANY

TIME WE NEEDED HIM.

I THINK IT'S TIME TO TAKE HIM UP ON THAT OFFER.

GEORGIA: OKAY, BUT BEFORE I LOG THESE BATS AND MITTS

INTO EVIDENCE I WAS THINKING - WE HAVE THAT

SOFTBALL GAME WITH THE SECRET SERVICE NEXT MONTH

AND IT WOULD BE NICE TO SHOW UP WITH SOME GOOD

EQUIPMENT FOR A CHANGE.

MITCH: ACTUALLY GEORGIA I WAS THINKING ABOUT MOVING

YOU FROM RIGHT FIELD TO CATCHER, YOU ALRIGHT WITH

THAT?

GEORGIA: OH HONEY, NO.

AMANDA: OH, YOU WERE?

GEORGIA: NOBODY EVER HITS THE BALL TO RIGHT FIELD SO

I SIT OUT THERE AND STORE UP MY POWER SO I CAN MAYBE

HIT A GOOD BUNT.

AMANDA: LOOK, I'M TEAM MANAGER, I MAKE THE

DECISIONS.

MITCH, YOU'RE CATCHING.

MITCH: NO, I NEED MORE ACTION THAN THAT.

HARD CORNER, 3RD BASE, THAT'S WHERE I LIVE.

AMANDA: THIS IS WHY WE HAVEN'T WON A GAME YET.

MITCH: I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE REASON.

AMANDA: THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE

MR. ELLISON.

AND AGAIN, WE REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HELP IN

THE LAST CASE.

ELLISON: NO PROBLEM AT ALL, HAPPY TO DO WHATEVER

I CAN.

AMANDA: THERE ARE JUST A FEW THINGS THAT ARE

CONFUSING US AT THE MOMENT AND WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT

BE ABLE TO HELP.

I'M SURE WITH AN EXPERT EYE LIKE YOURS YOU CAN

TELL THAT THESE ITEMS ARE COUNTERFEIT.

ELLISON: DEFINITELY THIS BASEBALL.

AMANDA: WHAT CONCERNS US, MR. ELLISON, IS THAT WE

PURCHASED THESE ITEMS FROM YOUR WEBSITE.

NOW IF WE WERE TO GET A SEARCH WARRANT AND GO

THROUGH YOUR WAREHOUSE WOULD WE FIND A LOT MORE

ITEMS LIKE THESE?

ELLISON: THIS IS A BUSINESS OF HIGH DEMAND

AND DIMINISHING SUPPLY.

I STARTED OUT LEGIT BUT THEN I DECIDED TO AUGMENT

THE SUPPLY.

NOT MUCH AT FIRST BUT THEN...

AMANDA: IT GOT OUT OF HAND.

MITCH: CHEATING PEOPLE OUT OF A LOT OF MONEY

EVENTUALLY JUST SEEMED OKAY.

ELLISON: I GUESS I SHOULD GET A LAWYER.

AM I UNDER ARREST?

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

MITCH: WE'RE POSTAL INSPECTORS, WE DON'T

REALLY HUG IT OUT.

SO YEAH, GET A LAWYER.

FRANKLIN: GREAT PARTY GUYS.

AND THIS CAKE IS FANTASTIC.

MMM...CAUGHT THE VIDEO OF YOU AND COUGAR MASCOT

ON-LINE.

YOU CAN CERTAINLY TAKE A PUNCH.

NOAH: THANKS.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

PRESTON: I'LL GET THAT.

FRANKLIN: WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S YOUR DAD'S BIRTHDAY, YOU SHOULD BE CELEBRATING.

NOAH: JUST WISH I COULD'VE SCORED A BETTER GIFT FOR

HIM.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE LIKES HAM.

PRESTON: DAN MARINO!

YOU GOT MY MESSAGE.

DAN: YOU MUST BE PRESTON.

WHERE'S YOUR BUDDY NOAH?

NOAH: IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO MUCH COOLER TO GIVE HIM AN

AUTOGRAPHED JERSEY FROM DAN MARINO.

PRESTON: UH, DID SOMEBODY MENTION NFL LEGEND AND

HALL OF FAMER DAN MARINO?

DAN: YOU MUST BE NOAH.

YOUR BUDDY PRESTON HERE SENT ME A LETTER ABOUT A

FAKE JERSEY AND SOME SLIPPERS, SO I THOUGHT I

COULD BE OF SOME HELP.

SO HERE YOU GO.

AND THAT'S AUTHENTIC.

NOAH: IT'S A MIRACLE.

MR. MARINO, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAME ALL THIS

WAY TO GIVE MY DAD AN AUTOGRAPHED JERSEY.

DAN: WELL THERE'S THAT, AND I WAS IN TOWN FOR A

CELEBRITY GOLF TOURNAMENT.

SO WHERE IS THE BIRTHDAY BOY?

NOAH: HE'S IN THE SUNROOM.

OH MAN, HE'S GONNA FLIP.

DAN: ANYONE SMELL HAM?

FRANKLIN: WAY TO GO MY MAN.

WAY TO GO.

AMANDA: WHEN I CALLED EARLIER TODAY I TOLD YOU

I HAD GOOD NEWS.

I DO.

BUT I WANTED TO DELIVER IT IN PERSON.

MRS. MCKINNON: WHAT IS THIS?

AMANDA: IT'S A CHECK.

WE AUCTIONED OFF THE ASSETS OF THE MAN WHO

STOLE FROM YOU.

FORTUNATELY HE HAD A LOT OF VALUABLE PROPERTY - I

MEAN A LOT.

MR. MCKINNON: SO THIS IS...?

AMANDA: THIS IS YOUR RESTITUTION.

MOST OF WHAT YOU LOST IS IN THAT CHECK.

MRS. MCKINNON: OH, THIS...THIS...THIS IS

WONDERFUL.

MR. MCKINNON: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AMANDA: YOU'RE LUCKIER THAN MOST.

THESE JERKS USUALLY SPEND ALL THE MONEY BEFORE WE

CAN GET TO THEM.

MRS. MCKINNON: PLEASE, CAN WE TREAT YOU TO DINNER

TONIGHT TO CELEBRATE?

MR. MCKINNON: YES.

AMANDA: I'LL DO YOU ONE BETTER; WOULD YOU CARE TO

JOIN ME FOR A BIRTHDAY PARTY?

MRS. MCKINNON: WHY NOT?

MR. MCKINNON: ANYONE WE KNOW?

AMANDA: THERE MIGHT BE SOMEONE THERE YOU'LL

RECOGNIZE.

AMANDA: COLLECTING SPORTS MEMORABILIA IS A PASTIME

AS OLD AS SPORTS ITSELF.

GUY: AND IT'S ALSO A BIG BUSINESS, GENERATING

MILLIONS OF DOLLARS EACH YEAR.

I'M GUY COTTRELL, THE CHIEF OF THE UNITED STATES

POSTAL INSPECTION SERVICE.

BATS, HATS, YOU NAME IT, IF A BIG NAME PLAYER

SIGNED IT OR USED IT IN A GAME COLLECTORS WILL PAY

BIG BUCKS.

AND WHEN THERE'S THAT MUCH MONEY ON THE LINE THERE'S

ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO COMES UP WITH A SCAM.

MAKE SURE YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE BUYING FROM.

TO BE SAFE, BUY YOUR COLLECTIBLES FROM

REPUTABLE DEALERS WHO OFFER LIFETIME MONEY-BACK

GUARANTEES OF AUTHENTICITY.

AMANDA: YOU MIGHT BE A TARGET, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE

TO BE A VICTIM.

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