Original subtitles

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TODD: I am not made for this world...

...this poor side of town.

I'm a rich kid.

My place was once in a much better home.

Yeah, it was pretty sick.

And at my rich old private school on the south side--

did I mention it was private?-- yeah, kids loved me.

They knew I was the smartest kid on Earth,

so they were too intimidated to be my best friend.

That was before it was all taken from me.

My mom lost her job and put our house on the market,

where it stays unsold.

And so I am a young god in exile. You get it.

Remember, we're not here to make friends.

Try and trade up, guys.

Here we go. Saps, two o'clock.

Look cool, look cool. Here we go, all right.

[clears throat] Hey, nice detritus.

[chuckles] Place is covered in 2002 Walmart. Right?

But yours is Target grade.

That means a lot.

So, we're in the market for a hot dog steamer.

Yeah, you're looking at one.

But won't the toys be sad if you give them away?

Won't your ass be jealous of all that shit

coming out of your little mouth?

Oh, you're making me feel stupid.

-You're making it easy. -Todd, appearances.

[chuckles nervously] So sorry.

Sir, what with your wife's unclear

sexual hot dog references

and your son's general unlikability,

I think we should refrain from

swapping even words, let alone junk.

I liked that hot dog joke.

Whoa, they got the exact same wagon

full of the exact same stuff as us.

I know I've aged out of a lot of this stuff,

but secretly I still like the younger-age toys.

Us, too.

Hey, guys, I'm Matt Parker.

That's Janet and Tobin.

We're new to this neighborhood.

And frankly, we're not so sure

if we like this side of town so much.

We're in a temp spot.

But we're looking to buy on the south side.

Wow. We thought we were the only ones

who thought of the north side as a not-so-great pit stop.

Right?

[laughing]: Oh, man, Freddie, you are hilarious.

Stop! My ego is so full. Num, num, num.

I'm drunk on your compliments. [chuckles]

In high school I dated jocks.

Me, too, me, too, me, too.

In high school, I also dated manly men,

but you know what, they bored me.

Freddie has that sweet strangeness.

You know what I'm talking about.

And I love that he kinda, like,

sticks to me, you know what I mean? Emotionally?

He gets me to open up. [snorts]

No other man ever did that for me before. You know?

To emotional men.

Hey, guys, come over next Saturday.

Yes. You guys are so refreshingly real.

We got to hang more.

Uh, absolutely.

Oh, man, we can't wait to get some more quality

get-to-know-you time.

BOTH: Us, too.

You guys are gonna love my new

Nintendo Three Thousand and Sixty Four.

You being north side kids,

I'm sure you haven't had the pleasure.

Wait, no, no. These people on the north side are poor.

-We're not poor. -Sorry, buddy. We are poor.

[groans nervously]

ANNOUNCER: Now let's check back in on

The Step Sibling Flippers.

[straining]

I need you to get right behind me

and push up hard, bro.

-[grunting] -MAN: All right, okay...

ANNOUNCER: Ah, the sibs score.

They found some copper during the demo.

I bet a bunch of copper could buy a bunch of aluminum.

And aluminum will buy a bunch of pennies.

Kids, get ready for our family hang with the Parkers.

Babe, I'm so excited we found the "friend family" holy grail.

They're a perfect match: we like the parents,

and the kids get along.

That is so true.

Time goes by so fast, Freddie.

We used to have so many friends before the kids.

And then slowly, as the kids grew,

we just kinda stopped hanging out with any folks.

And now we don't have any friend families.

I want friend families.

Ooh, Freddie, tell that one story about you mixing up

your nightstand spray-lube with your Mace; it kills.

And you drink as much as possible,

because with all other folks I will never say that,

but these people get us.

I-I can't wait to dig deeper.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, hey, hey, the Harpers!

Come on in. These are the Duncans. Duncans, Harpers.

Make yourselves at home and just start mingling. Yay!

They're friend stackers! Oh!

What a bait-and-switch.

We were doing a one-on-one, fam-on-fam hang!

And no explanation. No apologies.

Oh, no, "Hey, just another family, ha-ha-ha.

Here we are with our animal kids."

I hate gang hangs.

I don't want to get gang-hanged.

But you guys said you need friends.

Why not make lemonade out of lemons with the other people?

Just let it go.

What? No. Not letting it go. It's the principle thing.

Huh, and it's like I wasn't enough for you?

I know. It's like, um, tell me what to expect, right?

I would have worn my "three couple top" if I knew.

And what about the other victims?

I mean, those poor Duncans felt the same way, you could tell.

-Oh, you could tell. -I mean, noth-nothing was wrong with them.

Th-They were just thrown

into the same awkward boat as we were.

And you know we're never going to see 'em again.

I mean, why bother saying anything?

Turn around. I just want to go back and start yelling.

Debbie...

Oh, but, I really like the Parkers.

Aw, I know, I need to calm down.

Fucking friend stackers, man.

Fucking friend stackers.

God, who does that shit?!

I don't know what to do next.

Ah... I got to hand the lead over to you.

Yep, I got to. It's too delicate for me. Take it.

Okay, thank you. Yes.

And I do have a plan, in fact.

Oh, don't you worry, babe.

I'll get those friends to be real friends for us.

I guaran-goddamn-tee it.

[school bell ringing]

[snoring softly]

Todd, it's break time. Get a life.

Get a mirror and fix your stupid face.

If you were half as smart as you think,

I'd think you were insulting me.

I'm not insulting you;

-I'm describing you. -Ollie, Todd,

come up to my desk for something

that's totally not a big deal.

So, I got our list of students who qualify for reduced lunch...

and it's you two.

What? That-that can't be true. No one else in class but us?

-Sweet. We get reduced-price lunch! -Shut up, Ollie!

But, Ms. Gonzalez, I'm sure Shauna or JimJoe

are poorer than us. Or they're lying, you know.

They're cooking the books.

[chuckles nervously] People do that.

Shit, I'm eating brand-name pizza rolls, you bitch.

Chill! Everyone knows we're poor.

Swear to secrecy, Ollie.

I don't want Mom and Dad to know

because Mom will make this worse by trying to fix this,

and Dad will be even more upset than me

by how this makes us look.

Don't worry, I've already forgotten

what we were talking about.

[hyperventilating]

♪

[hyperventilating]

♪

[screams]

[siren wailing in distance]

[sighs]

TODD: My former house.

My real home, where I truly belong.

I'm a south side rich kid,

not a north side reduced-lunch kid.

Memories rush in. Yes.

Yes. Yes.

-[wrestling ring bell rings] -[all cheering]

[laughter]

[cheering]

Stand up, stand up. Tall, tall, tall, tall, tall, tall, tall.

I'm coming for you, baby!

[all grunting]

-[door unlocks] -[gasps]

Here we go.

[panting]

Voilà!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[panting]

Shh, shh.

It's Johnny Frakes, prince of the south side.

Rich, powerful, shameless. My idol.

Yeah, lots of people want this house,

what with the country club right around the corner.

I own that. And the mall.

So, if you want to live here,

I can cut you a deal on the membership.

To the club, not the mall.

[laughs]

Anyway, if you want it, I'd put an offer on it soon

because it is gonna sell fast.

Sorry, JF, that's never gonna happen.

Oh, this house has great shitters.

[eerie howl]

Um, it sounds like someone's using one.

[sobbing]

Who's "cry shitting" in here?!

And now we got children running. Uh...

We don't do crying kid ghosts.

[laughing nervously]: Wait, whoa, wait.

I know this house intimately.

I've never heard haunting noises.

Hmm. Hmm, hmm, hmm.

[inhaling deeply]

Nice.

Yes. Good work, Todd. Aw, thanks.

Hmm?

Whoa, what's with your upside-down frown?

You mean my smile?

-You can do one of those? Sweet. -Listen up, kids.

We're going to hang over at the Parkers' again today.

I don't know, man. I got to catch up on, like,

all the homework I've ever been assigned.

And I got to help her. You know how Ollie is.

Okay, but I want to see the work.

And... send.

Okay, look, my text implies, very subtly,

in an insinuating way, that

this time it should be just a chill one-on-one,

fam-on-fam hang.

-What? What is this? -Oh, trust me.

[kids shouting, laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

Man, it is so great to hang with you two.

And everyone you ever met. Yeah, it's fun.

We just go with the flow, you know.

So what do you do for work?

I don't care, I'm whatever. You?

Oh, same.

[gulping]

That's the area everyone realized I was a genius.

-[all cheering] -Yeah, Todd!

[whoops] You are the man.

That's the fridge that held my 105%

geography assignment.

-And... -That's the stuff you're completely exaggerating.

What are you doing here, Ollie?

I'm here to steal all the copper piping out of this home.

-To sell them? -To press them into pennies, dummy.

[straining]

So why are you here acting like Dr. Manhattan,

exaggerating and fabricating shit that never happened?

Sad about becoming poor, huh? [grunts]

-We had better, richer lives here. -[Ollie grunts]

We had more money than now,

but we weren't richrich, like Professor X. [grunts]

Dude, don't you see? You're holding onto the past.

That's more gross and embarrassing than being poor.

What? No. No, no. That's, that's not...

-JOHNNY: Oh, man... [grunting] -It's Johnny. Ollie, run!

[Johnny grunting]

JOHNNY: No, no.

No, n-no, Mom.

I'll sell-- I'll sell this house.

There's nothing wrong with it.

No, Mom, there's nothing wrong with me either. [groans]

This freakin' guy.

Wait a second, Johnny Frakes?

Are we talking about the same guy?

This guy's who I want to be. He's cool.

He was my age when his mom built

this whole neighborhood and golf course.

You know, Mom dumped him in high school.

What? Mom dated JF? And she passed?

Oh, see? There is stuff I know that you don't.

Got to learn to keep your heart's ears open.

[clicks tongue] Not just your brain's.

[Johnny moaning]

Debbie. Oh, Debbie.

How can I ever get rid of you?

Dude, Johnny is just like you.

Ew, not like this, he's not.

You both are stuck in the past.

I'm your Christmas Carol ghost-guide person,

and Johnny is the ghost of future you!

Mm-hmm. Oh, nice.

I missed my chance with Debbie in high school.

And now she's with Freddie,

and I waste my time with girls, booze, golf,

coke, RealDolls.

But I have this house.

This house is where I belong.

Oh, my God. You're so right.

I-I didn't see it, but I'm stuck in the past,

like disgusting Johnny.

I love our house, and he makes love to our house.

[urinating, whistling]

Oh, s-sorry, buddy, I-I didn't know anyone was in here.

I just got slime on my hands.

It's cool.

Slime? Hoo-hoo. Wash that off.

Hey, thanks.

You know, I have a friend who'd hate this kind of big,

chaotic hang with multiple unexpected guests.

Oh, really? Who's this friend?

Jack Masters and his wife... Jut.

Jack and... Jut Masters?

Yep. They prefer more intimate one-on-one, fam-on-fam hangs.

-You know what I'm saying? -Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah, old Jack, he'd be like, "Hey, aren't we enough?"

[chuckles] You know? Shit.

So, uh, what-what do you think of, uh, Jack's take

on your style of surprising friends with other friends

at your hangs?

I think we should invite

Jack Masters and his family

to join the Harpers and the Parkers

next weekend for dinner.

I love people!

But just the three families, right?

Yep, just us three.

But let's just do the parents

so we can get to know each other better.

Perfect.

I see now, I don't just love this house and money

and being superior.

Yeah. Think there's any copper up here?

It's just that, in my former life, I had worked so hard

to establish myself at that school.

I... I mean, I guess I kinda always knew

that people didn't like me,

but at least I had earned a place,

you know, a role, some respect.

And now I'm back to square one

in this new neighborhood, and...

and I'm just scared to start all over.

Dude, that is a new level of emotional depth, my man.

Tin Man gets a heart.

All right. Crouching hugs, hidden feelings.

[Todd crying]

So, do we just wait until this pervert is done

with the memory of our mom so we can leave, or what?

Ollie, I'm in crisis.

You know, in order to let go of the past,

I must let go of this house.

To get that, it's got to sell.

Aah! The shitting ghosts!

Dude, Johnny, you know us.

We're going to help you sell this house

so both of us can let go.

No! Shut up, ghost!

I'm not ready to let go.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...

[tires screech]

[cries out]

Oh, the dust. Damn.

I think I should just talk straight, hard, mean.

Friend stackers.

No, no, no, listen, babe. The early stage of a friendship

is a subtle art; it's like a courtship.

But even more complex 'cause you can't

prove anything with dick or puss.

Ugh, okay, you're right, you're right.

Ollie, don't forget to do the Mom impression.

What do I say?

[deep voice]: Johnny, I need to talk to you.

Oh, my God, Debbie? I mean, uh, cool. Why? What for?

Meet me at my old house right now,

and we can totally say "what for" then and there.

-Um, okay, but no, not there. -[whispers]: Is this good?

I don't know if you remember,

but that house has two kid ghosts in it.

Meet me now or never!

Aah! The ghosts are solidified!

And clean and... Todd and Ollie.

Get out of here.

I'm meeting your mom about adult stuff.

You've got to let go of my mom.

Yeah. Mom is different now.

Everything is different now.

Especially after we saw you try

to hump her memory on the floor.

[sighs]

Oh, man, I'm found out.

I haven't sold this house on purpose

because I'm holding onto it as a vestige of Debbie.

[crying]

You kids are so smart.

Todd says you got to sell this house

for both of you to get closure.

Well, okay, that makes a lot of sense.

You guys, I got the perfect buyer.

It's a new family; they were ready to buy,

but I rubbed them the wrong way.

Oh, we can get them back to the table.

Oh, they saw me do cocaine,

and when I offered them some, they got mad.

So I told them it was just crushed up aspirin,

but they knew I was lying. I don't know, I was high.

But they'd still be interested, right?

-Huh? -Uh...

So, where are Jack Masters and his wife Jut?

Jut?

-Yes, Jut. -[grunts]

Well, uh, look, uh, don't worry about those dudes. [laughs]

Let's, uh, talk about how you guys met. Was it fun?

But I thought this was going to be a triple date.

Look, Jack Masters got... typhoid or something, all right?

No biggie. I-I-I mean, I barely knew him and his gross family.

[chuckles] Let's get some drinks going. Waiter!

You got a friend with typhoid?

Oh, yeah. Oh, but Jack's cool, though. He-He'll be fine.

I know somebody at the CDC.

I'll make a call right now,

because heaven forbid typhoid spreads!

-No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. -Hey, CDC?

Matt, Matt, no, I-I'm joking.

Actually, uh, look, I-I didn't want to say this,

but it turns out Jut divorced Jack for,

you know, once upon a time, uh, ha-having typhoid.

So they're doing that right now instead of this, uh...

See, she can't get typhoid

because she has typhus,and...

Okay, okay, I've had enough.

You guys are great, but you have been "friend stacking" us.

What?

You make it seem like you want to get together with just us,

but then you turn it into a friend stack.

You friend stack, and you should know

that no one likes it.

[weak laugh]

But what about Jack Masters?

That was just Freddie's dumb lie.

Wow. A lie? Hey, look, listen.

We will deal with anything. Anything.

Drinks. Drugs. Bad parenting skills.

But we will not be friends with liars.

We never deal with liars!

[sighs] Y'all disappoint us. Let's go, Janet.

We were just trying to help you guys out, Debbie.

It seems like you don't have any friends.

You were going to be those friends.

Not anymore.

Waiter, bring us another round. Their drinks, too.

We got to warm these buyers up.

Let's do the cute letter thing, where the kids who grew up

in a house write a sweet note about how much

they loved the house and shit.

Oh, great idea. Write this down.

My name is Todd Harper.

My twin sister Ollie and I grew up in this home.

A home built on laughter and love.

So when you buy this house and you build your lives here,

you will be continuing our tradition of love and family.

I have a new home now, and I'm going to try to embrace it.

[Johnny and Todd crying]

TODD: Yeah.

Hey, thanks for helping me get over the past.

And if you ever see any kind of inkling of a chance

in your mom for me, let me know,

and you'll be the richest little stepkids in town.

I'm gonna go take this to the buyers.

-I hope this works! -[tires screeching]

[sniffles]

Aw. Want to go in for one last goodbye?

[sighs]

Hey, the old house.

Oh, my God, is that Todd and Ollie?

[scoffs] Park on the street. Come on, Freddie,

let's see what those sneaky shits are up to.

[crying]: Yeah...

Oh, man, look at them.

Ollie will be fine, but Todd...

I failed him.

I should've done more to preserve his world.

He's so sensitive, my Toddie.

Let's go in.

Mom, Dad.

So weird to see you here.

Look, we-we-we know we had a lot of great times in this house,

but you got to let it go.

BOTH: Yeah, we know.

And I think we may have just helped Johnny sell this house.

Aw, that's great, guys.

And, Toddie,

I know our new house isn't exactly right...

[laughs] ...but it's pretty okay.

You got to let go of your past, let go of your expectations

and just go with the flow.

You got to... got to be okay with spontaneity.

No, Mom, really, I just learned that exact lesson.

Yeah. In fact, it's the lesson you should have learned

with your friends the Parkers.

Fuck that. Friend stacking sucks.

You truly can never go home again.

But truly, can we go home?

I'm sick of this place.

You know, it's still hard saying goodbye to this place.

Oh, really? Well, does this help?

Your dad and I had sex right there.

Ew, gross, don't ruin it for me.

That's the point.

Oh, we did it right there, too, when you were at camp.

La, la, la, la, la...

We did it in all the rooms, yeah!

-Mom, stop it! -Ruined yet?!

[gasps]

Hey! That was a sweet note written by kids.

Was it the cocaine?

Cocaine? No.

We didn't care about your cocaine.

It was that you lied about it and said it was aspirin.

We hate liars.

You know, we almost went against our no-liar policy

to buy that house from you, liar.

Luckily, we got lied to by a lying couple today,

so we are back to our hard-line, no-liar stance.

So the house doesn't sell.

Debbie, I'm coming for you.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0