Original subtitles

- Margot!

- Dare me to dive into these sharp rocks?

- Hell yes!

- I heard sharp rocks don't exist!

- Sharp rocks are a hoax

invented by the Chinese dude.

- [ Screams ] [ Body thuds ]

[ Baby crying ]

- ♪ I'm not as crazy as I used to be ♪

♪ Some of my devils up and left me free ♪

♪ To find a quiet space

♪ I'm not as out of place

♪ And I'm coming home again

♪ It's been too long a time gettin' back what's mine ♪

♪ And I can't remember why I went away ♪

♪ But it's lookin' now like maybe I can stay ♪

Is that any good?

[ Air horn blows, cheering ]

- Wow, Baba.

Spring break is always lucrative,

but this might be our busiest season yet.

- Yes, my grandchild.

The co-eds are dropping like flies.

If flies had alcohol poisoning

and fatal water-sports accidents.

- Kyle! Kyle! Kyle!

- Kyle died like he lived.

Playing jet ski beer pong.

[ Sniffles ]

Stay swole, bro.

- Stay swole!

- How much extra to add honey to the slide n' slip?

- $5 Flori-dollars a head.

- I think Kyle would have wanted it that way.

Weeeee!

- Hey, party boy!

I waxed my pubes in the shape of a solo cup.

Wanna sip?

- No thank you, ma'am.

- Ma'am?!

Annie, I need you to cover my forehead

with the curtain of youth. - No!

Don't attempt home bangs;

the potential for trauma's too high.

Baba trimmed my bangs when I was and Child Protective Services

made me live in a group home for months till they grew back.

- So Baba's willing to do it? Thanks.

Annie tells me you can make my forehead go from here to here.

Got a minute? - [ Sighs ]

Okay, daughter, but bangs on woman your age

is very shameful cry for help.

- What's Baba doing? - Trophy wanted bangs.

- [ Gasps ]

- [ Shrieks ] What did you do!

My forehead is big enough to have its own ass!

- Relax, it grow back.

Three months. Value haircut.

- You did this on purpose to ruin my Spring Break.

You just love screwing things up for me, don't you old woman?!

- Stay still, desperately vain corpse.

Baba fix.

- 911. Yes, I'd like to report a child being abused

by a non-maternal crone-like foreign woman.

Yes, the child is a very youthful 33.

- 911, my pathetic, promiscuous daughter is elder abusing me.

Send your most sadistic cop ASAP.

They all sadistic?

Choose the one in least-happy marriage.

[ Siren wails ]

- SXPD! Freeze! [ People gasps ]

Pardon the interruption folks, we received two calls

from suspected white women in distress,

so we're gonna need you all to line up right quick

according to immigration status and bra size...

- Hold on.

I'm seeing the bangs of a psychopath.

Must be our perp. Cuff her, Monotonee.

- No, I'm the victim!

You're looking for illegal-alien Edward Scissorhands over there!

- Let's see what forensics say, ma'am.

Hold out your hands.

- But I also victim! - Sorry, ma'am.

[ Beeping ]

Officer Infinitee,

she's coming up positive

as an accessory to this bang trim.

- You made me ugly on purpose!

If I had a hot daughter, I'd never do this to her!

- Yeah, well, if you had stronger chin

you'd look quirky and carefree!

[ Both grunting ]

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

Watch the bangs!

- That's it! You're both under arrest!

[ Handcuffs click ]

[ Siren wailing ]

- Who wants to wrestle in jello

as a tribute to the recently deceased?!

[ Cheering ]

♪♪

- Step forward.

Baba and Trophy Fantasy Felony Coiffe.

- She's the true offender, your Honogram.

These bangs make my face look like it's sandwiched

between two necks!

Make her pay for what she's done!

- It does look like your forehead's

trying to climb out a window.

Mm, mm, mm. Proceed.

- She's armed and dangerous,

and what's more, she's undocumented!

I'm her daughter, and I don't even know where she's from.

- I have told you many times! Old Country!

- Okay, Grandma, your turn. - Sir. [ Clears throat ]

My ungrateful daughter request hair management service and Baba

do cost-effective, timely job.

I should get paycheck, not jail!

- [ Screams ]

[ Both grunting ]

- [ Hisses ]

- I think these are yours. - Lemme get this straight.

You called the cops over a bad haircut?

- Bang trim! - Bang trim!

- Trophy, Baba,

due to your penchant for drama and your ability

to read a bitch, I hereby sentence you both

to be contestants on our new spring break TV show:

"Top Felon."

Hope you enjoy that bang, ladies!

[ Panicking ]

Girl, I am freaking out without Baba here.

How do you stay so eerily calm?

Annie? - It's easy, Uncle Pete.

I just distance myself from my emotions.

It's a self soothing technique I've been doing

since Trophy abandoned me as a newborn.

- I think your re-abandonment

has caused you to totally lock up.

You have to embrace your feelings.

Especially if they're painful!

- I am feeling like I don't like you doing that.

- Hmmm. I don't taste a thing.

Annie, to fix this rigidity,

you'll have to have a big emotional release.

- But...I'm fine like this.

- Whoopsie.

Let me help you, Annie.

I happen to be a professional grief processor.

Watch. - [ Sobbing ]

- Let's see what we're dealing with here.

Acidic. Notes of FOMO with a finish of self-pity.

These are the tears of sorrow that you won't have access

to Kyle's beach house anymore. Huh?

- His hot tub had a strobe light!

I'm gonna miss it so much -- him, so much.

It, him, it, him...

It him it him it him! - Wow!

How did you know that?

- Just a simple tear-tasting.

I've expanded my empathy receptors and refined my palate

to the point that I can detect exactly what someone's feeling.

- Like a sommelier but for feelings.

- When someone needs to cry, the brain first sends a signal

to the tear scrotum, causing tears to brew.

Next, the tears get steeped in emotion, forming their flavors.

The most pungent feelings are set aside in reserve

to be barrel-aged.

These are known as "old wounds."

But most tears get quickly eye-jaculated onto the face.

I think if we can teach you to taste these simple feelings,

it might help you begin to process your abandonment issues!

- Then will I be able to experience human connection?

And eventually maybe even play tennis?

- Mmmm, baby steps.

♪♪

- And now let's bring out our host.

You know him from his hit single

"Let Me Knock You Up At Sea World", old dirty

Broward County himself, your big Flori-daddy

and the governor of the franchise territory of Florida,

Little Flor-Ida!

- Awww shit, y'all, welcome to TF!

The show where spring break's sexiest,

wildest lawbreakers compete for a chance to be pardoned!

By who? By me!

One lucky felon can get back to spring breaking.

The rest will be sent to prison labor camps

stuffing them little cotton balls into bottles of medicine.

Thanks to last year's losers, them hoes is still fresh.

Now let's meet our felons!

Meet Daiquari!

- I'm here to make bail, not to make friends.

But I'm also open to making friends.

Memories are important.

- We got Orange!

- I'm juicy. And toxic to certain breeds of dogs.

German Shepherds...

yellow labs...and pugs.

I killed a pug. She was so cute though.

- Let's meet Jacuzzi!

- My parole officer said this is my last shot,

so I'm not gonna waste it.

[ Retches ]

- This hoe's not so fresh.

Trophy!

- I'm dead inside and out!

- And finally, Baba! - Need funeral?

We can do tie-dye coffin, ombre coffin, glitter coffin...

Get 20% off tender endings with discount code

Trophy bad daughter.

- Stay tuned as these ladies face off

in their first challenge,

right after these trade school commercials!

- We'll start with my basic tear collection.

These are your most common flavors:

your "sads," your "afraids", your "alones."

I keep my most valuable tears

in a safe deposit box down at the bank.

You can try those once you've gotten the hang of it.

Here, try one and tell me what feeling you taste.

- Where did you get these?

- Luckily you can't taste that part.

Go on, just tell me what the tear says to your tongue.

There are no wrong answers. - Okay.

Um. Pepper?

- Pepper's not a feeling, sweetie.

These are tears of a bride left at the altar.

Just relax. Who do these belong to?

- Um, a retiree?

- A baby. - Oh, right.

A baby...who's hungry? - No!

A baby who saw a balloon and now doesn't

see a balloon and wonders where it went!

"Hungry"? Jesus Christ.

- Sorry. - Okay, alright, here.

This one is impossible to get wrong.

- You're right. I know this one!

A kid who got bulled on their first day of school?

- Are you kidding me?!

It's a kid who got bullied on their last day of school

after being really popular all year!

What kind of freak are you to not get that!

- Maybe I can't taste tears because I can't make them.

Sometimes I think I'm going to cry,

but then tiny salt cubes come out instead.

- Huh. I guess you're that kind of freak.

- My whole life I've only shed a single tear,

and it was over mom's corpse, right before she got struck

by lightning and reanimated.

- Damn, that's one powerful tear.

When you start weeping, we're gonna have

a real downpour of distress on our hands.

It might even turn into a heartache hurricane.

Uh-huh, follow me!

[Air horn blaring]

- At least admit it's your fault we're in here,

then I can get back to a more sustainable level

of hatred for you.

- Everyone in Old Country say, "Oh, Baba,

you never go to labor camp, you good gymnast.

Your body strong, you have good babies."

But no! Turns out I have low-rent tacky baby

who can't pull off high fashion haircut.

- Felons! For challenge #1,

you'll each need to climb your stripper pole

covered in baby oil,

grab the beach ball hanging from the top,

and toss it into the kiddie pool

filled with Robitussin and Monster Energy.

- But watch out: as you make your way to the top,

you'll need to avoid the drunk tourists

throwing handfuls of coins at you.

- Listen to DJ D.O.J., ladies!

The nickels hurt the most.

Now on your mark, get set, ho!

[ Air horn blares ]

Oooh, it's a miss!

Gonna have to try it again.

[ Screams ]

- Death powers!

- Um, I don't know who needs to hear this,

but old girl's pole is a pile of bugs.

- [ Grunting ]

- Climbing fast for single mother with bad haircut!

- Ahh! My bangs look like a scarecrow made of dog fur!

[ Screams ]

- [ Grunts ]

[ Air horn blares ]

- Baba! That floppy chest is prehensile!

Tell us how you did it! - Lots of sauerkraut.

Fermentation is fitness.

[ Grunting ]

- Now, I'm going to show you some familiar items

that should produce a strong emotional response.

- Flopsie the bear!

Trophy left her in my crib when she abandoned me.

- Right.

But what if I told you that Baba and I actually won this

at a claw machine outside of a hockey rink

and made up that story about Trophy?

- I'd -- I'd be completely fine with that.

- Interesting. No tears or moisture build-up.

Okay, how about this?

- That's the tiara Baba won at the "Most Stern Woman"

contest from the old country.

She passed it down to me. - Exactly.

But what if I told you Baba and I actually won this

at a claw machine outside a hockey rink?

And that Baba would never part with her real prized tiara

that she hasn't even let me see except in photographs?

- Totally fine.

Totally fine. - Hmm.

Okay, here's a video from your tenth birthday party.

♪♪

Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry!

Aw. What are you doing?

- The school therapist calls it Turtle-ing?

They're still looking for a cure.

- The cure is crying, Annie!

I know what'll get those peeper pipes flowin':

let's take a tear-school field trip!

- Over the break, each of our felons

chugged enough malt liquor

to get their blood alcohol level over .15.

Now they've gotta talk their way out of a DUI.

I wanna see that. You wanna see that?

Let's go! [ Siren wails ]

- Hi, officer.

I guess I didn't notice I was speeding cause

I can't see the odometer over these big boobies!

Do you see them?

[ Ding! ]

- Mr. Officer, could you put

a little something at the end of the line?

I tend to be pretty goal-oriented.

- Uh, sure. Here.

- Ooh, I love keys!

That's super helpful.

[ Ding! ]

- You know what really makes me puke, officer?

People who drink and drive.

Just the thought of them really makes me...

[ Buzzer, siren wails ]

- Do you know why I pulled you over today, ma'am?

- No. Baba excellent driver.

- Then you won't mind trying to say

the alphabet backwards for me?

- Not problem.

Z. Y.

- And then what? - Puerto Rico?

- Alright, you're under arrest, Baba.

[ Buzzer, siren wails ]

- This is all your fault, just like my inability

to tolerate intimacy!

- Baba's conscience is like forehead: clear!

- Two down, two to go.

Stay tuned for our speed round, where our final contestants

take amphetamines and fold pizza boxes!

[ Ducks quacking ]

- I can't swim either Uncle Pete.

Trophy said she'd teach me once scientists develop

a bathing suit that flatters my body type.

- Someday, Annie. But stay focused.

Whenever I really need a good cry, I come here.

- Aw. A duck funeral.

That is sad. - Not that, Annie.

Ducks die like everyone else.

Get used to it! Look over there.

That duck is the one in charge of arranging the funeral,

and his mother is telling him...

what a good job he did.

[ Sobbing ] - I understand.

That makes you sad because you wish Baba praised you more.

- What? No, Annie!

It makes me sad because I've always wanted a corkscrew penis!

How do you keep missing the point so badly!

- I told you I'm a lost cause. [ Ducks quacking ]

Thanks for showing me this world of ducks, though.

- [ Sighs ] I was hoping I wouldn't need to resort to this,

but you have left me no choice.

Back in the hearse!

♪♪

- [ Grunts ] [ Whistle blows ]

- Cotton balls down, ladies!

Please take your spots in the share circle.

It's time for court ordered group therapy

with our new vacuum slash facilitator, Elizabeth.

- Okay, focus, everyone, focus.

Today I want to talk about why you're all here.

- I am here because of her.

She gave me these bangs to ruin my spring break,

my life and my face.

She made me look like a hamburger without a bun.

You missed a spot. - Girl, I can relate to that.

The bad bang trim my mom

gave me put my self-esteem in the toilet.

And that led to drug use, prostitution,

and becoming an op-ed writer for the Washington Post.

- Yeah, I was a prep-school honors student

until my step-mom cut my bangs the night

before my Princeton interview.

After that rejection, I figured, why not inject meth?

- My old boss grabbed a pair of scissors

when I was strangling her.

I thought she was going to stab me in self-defense,

but instead...she did this.

It would've been kinder to kill me.

- Baba, how do you feel hearing everyone play the blame game?

- Hm? [ Sighs ]

One harsh winter when I little girl, it was big day.

Papa finally come home after 10 year in labor camp.

Baba want to look special so I beg

Momushka for cute bangs.

She not want to, but I insist.

When Papa come home...

- [ Groans ]

- ...he take one look at me...

- [ Screams ]

- ...and flee.

I never see my Papa again.

- I feel that. - It's so sad.

- It's so relatable.

- My mother also whore.

May have been that.

- Yes, this cycle of intergenerational trauma

and all its manifestation --

chunky bangs, piecey bangs, feathery bangs --

can only stop when we begin taking responsibility

for our own bad hair choices!

- You heard her. It's all your fault.

- But you still pretty to me.

Hair grow back in time, like your forgiveness.

- Well, I hear Baba seeking to repair your connection, Trophy.

Can you name something about Baba that you appreciate?

- Well, she has taught me a lot about how to deflect blame.

And that's -- that's come in handy.

- My stubborn girl.

- Mama! [ Sobbing ]

- This my daughter!

- Well, that is lovely.

End session 21942.

♪♪

- Annie, welcome to Tear Club.

No one gets out dry.

Meet Sad Sal and Weepy Willy.

They're what's known as ultra-criers.

They specialize in tear stimulation.

- Nice to meet you.

- Wah. - Wah wah.

- See, the boys here, they're gonna prime my deep-down tears.

One taste of this emotional concentrate

will either bust open your floodgates or kill us all.

Pump me! - [ Grunting ]

- [ Sobbing ]

♪♪

Here it comes, Annie!

- I hope you know how to swim!

- Huh. - Oh, no!

Can you taste it Annie?! Can you taste it Annie?!

- Oh, my gosh.

I can taste your pain!

Your first day of school, when you realized

Baba wouldn't be your teacher!

That time at mortician college when Baba stood you up for prom!

That Christmas when Baba didn't buy presents,

so you pretended you'd asked Santa for a niece named Annie.

[ Machine beeping ]

- Do you feel anything yet?

- I don't think so.

Wait. W-W-What's going on?

What's happening to me? - Stand back!

- She's about to eye-jaculate for the very first time!

- Help! Help!

- Well, hey, new mommy.

Says here you named her Euthanasia.

Is that correct? - Uh, yeah.

Because she makes me want to put myself out of my misery!

Can I get some more painkillers? - [ Sobs ]

- Why don't I get a bottle filled with milk?!

Why does Annie get everything she wants?!

- There, everybody happy. - Ah, help!

Before I was the girl with a runaway mom,

but now I'm gonna be the girl with the dead runaway mom!

I wish you never came back!

♪♪

- [ Screaming ] - Watch out!

- Salty!

- It burns!

- [ Sobbing ]

[ All screaming ]

♪♪

[ Sobbing stops ]

Oh.

I feel, I feel so -- so...

thirsty.

Hey, I can cry!

And fully swivel my rotator cuff!

Thanks, Uncle Pete! You fixed me!

- Annie, the force of your sorrow is too powerful.

I never thought I'd say this,

but maybe when it comes to crying,

just because you can doesn't mean you should.

- Kinda like how they brought back the dinosaurs

in Jurassic Park.

- Never again!

Never! Cry! Again! Little girl.

[ Door slams ]

- He's right, Annie. - Of course.

Haha. It was silly of me to take up space with my emotions.

- Yeah, and pretty messy, too!

Now, since, Baba and Trophy don't get out of jail

for another week, who's down for a half-price slide and slip?

- Over here. [ Should creaks ]

But I might need a push.

- ♪ You say you cut your bangs

♪ I'm calling your bluff

♪ When you lie to me, it's in the small stuff ♪

♪ You say you cut your bangs

♪ I'm calling your bluff

♪ When you lie to me, it's in the small stuff ♪

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