Original subtitles

♪

And repairs are complete. Should we head back in?

Wow, would you look at that?

[all sigh]

Captain, we just received a distress call

from the Bakersfield.

They're caught in a temporal causality loop.

Wait a minute, I'm getting the same distress call again.

Hold on. And now again.

Sounds like a time loop all right.

We'd better hurry. Warp me.

A view like this makes you realize

it doesn't matter what deck you work on.

We're all in it together.

MARINER: And they left us.

They left us. How much oxygen do we have?

A lot, a little? Ballpark?

Oh, I'm sure they'll turn back at any second

and we'll have a good laugh about it. [chuckles]

[all shivering]

See, guys? We're laughing. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

♪

♪

♪

There we go, nothing a little lung rejuvenation won't fix.

See? You're fine.

Oh, yeah, act like it's not a big deal

that you left us to die in the void.

This all could have been avoided if you'd

followed protocol and signed out your magnet boots.

Or maybe that wouldn't have even mattered

since lower decks are so expendable to you.

Ridiculous! We're all equals on this ship, right?

-Uh, they sleep in a hallway. -Oh.

I'm not going to argue with you, Beckett.

I have to make impossible life-and-death decisions

every day.

Yeah, no kidding, it's always ourlife or death.

Ditch the attitude! A Starfleet drill instructor

is going to be testing the crew later today,

and I don't need you messing up our score

because you've got a chip on your shoulder.

Oh, great, yeah, well, I hope one of the drills

tests to see if anyone on the bridge is a giant piece of...

I heard the drill instructor's Pandronian.

You know they can split their bodies into three parts?

-I thought I was a triple threat. -Ugh.

MARINER: Drills, what a waste of time.

I'd even take real work over this, like fake pretend work.

Good morning, Cerritos!

This one is Shari Yn Yem,

your friendly Starfleet drill administrator.

Like many of you, this one started from the bottom,

but with hard work, and plenty of drills, this one is now...

at the top!

[cheering, whooping]

These simulator holopods are each programed

with individualized drills based on

situations other Starfleet crews have experienced.

Every pod has a certain amount of points you can earn

for doing a good job.

Everyone's score is displayed right here,

so you can see how you stack up against your fellow crew.

Almost seems unfair to make them compete with us.

Gonna be a piece of cake.

This one will be flipping your ranks.

Low-level officers will be given command of the bridge,

while senior officers will be placed on the lower decks!

Excuse me. What?!

Well, there's no better way to evaluate a crew's readiness

than from the bottom up, Captain.

-Or should I say, Ensign? -[cheering]

-[excited chatter] -TENDI: Oh, yeah! This rules!

I get to be senior medical officer!

Ooh, baby, I'm chief engineer!

Good day to you, Captain Boimler.

Good day to you, Captain Mariner.

They actually think they're going to be able

to handle our jobs?

This is gonna be rich.

All right, deck 12, follow the yellow line.

Move it along, lower decks.

-[grumbling] -Aw, son of a...

-All right, let's get into it. -[knuckles crack]

I wanna rack up some points early so I can spend

the rest of the day soaking in my commander's tub.

-COMPUTER: Mirror Universe Encounter. -Mirror universe?

This is easy. Yeah. I can pretend to be evil. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

As captain, you must infiltrate the Terran Empire

and find a way back to your own dimension.

[clears throat] Long live the Empire.

I love to hate. Whattup, Migleemo?

-[screeches] -Yikes.

Ugh, nothing makes me hornier than torturing someone.

I'm horny all the time.

And being horny always gets me in the mood to torture.

You can lose a whole day to that cycle.

Okay, screw finding an ally, let's take over the ship and see

if we can dismantle the Terran Empire from the inside.

COMPUTER: Deviation from mission parameters

results in loss of points.

Okay, all right, I get it, yeah.

You're not exactly rewarding creativity.

Who dareth bump into me?!

Oh, I dareth. I double-dog dareth.

Ah! Ooh!

Okay, good. Just checking.

I need to figure out a way to impress or kill the captain

so I can get on a more sinister ship.

[cackles]

Long live the Empire.

Long live the-- wait, did you just salute me

with your left hand?

Our Mariner is right-handed.

Uh, no, I just, uh, I strained this shoulder

flogging a Vulcan.

[shrieks] Get her!

-Whoa! -[crackling]

-[cries out] -[zapping]

COMPUTER: Fail.

-Damn. -Don't worry, Commander.

You'll have other opportunities

[singsongy]: to get a-head.

-That's one of my faves. -[grumbles]

Medical ethics. Chief medical officer.

Your mission: navigate a paralyzed Klingon's request

for an honorable death.

Oh, uh, okay.

You must help me kill myself.

I broke my back picking up a peanut.

Well, as head of medical, I'm not supposed to do any harm.

-[buzzes] -Huh?

Points deducted.

What? Oh. I guess in that case,

let's send you off to Sto-vo-kor.

No! You must use my ceremonial blade!

Ew. No. It'll be quick and painless this way.

Points deducted.

Huh? I-I gotta hurt him?

You refuse to honor my culture?!

Oh, no, no, sir, I-I wanna kill you, I...

Just give me the knife. Aah!

Good God, what did you do?

This Klingon isn't dead.

I-I was trying to save him?

-What? Come on. Come on. -Faster. Kill me. Kill!

We have to get this warrior an honorable death, stat!

-Get me 300cc's of any type of poison. -I have to die!

[bleep] They have giant hearts, so many backup organs.

Sir, it's done. There's nothing else we can do.

Damn it. Call it.

Time of life, 0900.

No!

-TENDI: Sorry. -COMPUTER: Fail.

Old West planet.

As captain, you must survive a lawless frontier town

in Earth's 19th century.

But beware, for you are a wanted man...

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Trapped in cowboy land.

It's a Starfleet classic. Yeehaw.

-Just gotta find the saloon... -[buzzes]

What? I haven't even done anything creative.

Oh, we have to ride the horses. Okay.

Seems kinda like a narrow parameter for a drill.

[neighs loudly]

Calm down, horses love me; I'm a maverick.

-[neighs] -[grunts] Whoa! Aah!

[grunts] Help! Aah! Ow! Bad horse.

COMPUTER: Fail.

[Mariner crying out]

[clicking tongue] Mm-mm-mm.

COMPUTER: The Good of the Many. Chief Engineer,

enter the chamber and fix the warp core breach

to save the ship.

-Okey dokey. -Sir, the radiation!

You can't go in there!

I have to, son. I'm chief engineer.

-Ooh, that sounds so good. -[sizzles]

Ow! Hot! Uh, maybe if I... Aah! Frickin' radiation.

COMPUTER: Warp core breach imminent.

I know, computer. But how am I supposed to-- Ow!

Wow, this really shouldn't be that hard.

Shut up, Ensign! Wait, my boot.

Warp core critical.

Ha-ha! Come on, come on.

Got it!

-[gasps] -Fail.

[groans]

-Borg Encounter. -Uh, could you be

a little more specific than that?

Resist the Borg.

Okay, you know what, that's fine. I've read literally

everything about the Borg; I've got this.

Wow, the detail on this is amazing.

We are Borg. Resistance is futile.

[gasps] Whoa, this is so cool!

Oh, sorry. Please, keep going. Do the thing.

We will add your biological distinctiveness to our own.

You will be assimilated.

Can't have that.

All right, can't adjust the frequency anymore... Yoink.

Yeah!

[laughing]

-[babbling] -Ooh. Oh.

[grunts]

Oh, an escape sphere.

Woo-hoo!

COMPUTER: Mission accomplished.

Oh, yeah! That's right. Boimler's the Borg man.

Your score is 79%.

79? No, no, no, no, no, I can do better than that.

-Can I restart? -If you score below passing,

you will be locked out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hit me.

Come on, let's go.

We are...

[panting]

Come on, Borg baby, this time you're coming with me.

[grunts]

Woo-hoo!

COMPUTER: 83%.

[groans] I can do better.

♪

[grunts]

Woo-hoo!

COMPUTER: 84%.

Do it again. Hit me!

Naked Time?

As captain, you must save your crew,

who are under the influence of a virus

that reduces their inhibitions.

Oh, no, this is that disease that made everyone

fight and have sex all over the place.

Can you resist your own temptations and save the ship?

-Come on, girl. Last one. You got this. -[laughter, shouting]

Wow, everyone's very slick and sliding around.

Keep your hands to yourselves. Hey, that's an anus!

[moaning]

-Oh. -[giggles] Ooh.

Oh! [screams]

I can't tell where I end and you begin.

It's naked time!

Oh, fail me, fail me! Seriously,

why is this drill still going? Fail me.

Put me back in the Western!

Ugh, I failed every single drill.

At least you weren't responsible for the destruction

of a whole ship.

All those life-and-death decisions,

I honestly don't know how Dr. T'Ana does it every day.

Mmm. Computer, what is this?

COMPUTER: That is pesto.

Where's Boimler? He lives for this kind of spread.

Last I heard, he was still doing his drill.

Yeah, right. I bet he bombed out just like us

and he doesn't want to admit it.

-♪ -[grunting]

We got your signal. How were you able to...

Just fly.

-94%. -Again.

Your score is already in the top ten...

I said again!

[sighs] It hurts me to say this, but...

maybe the bridge crew's jobs are actually harder than we thought.

Yeah, well, I'm sure right now they're finding out

just how hard it is to do our jobs, too.

[snoring]

I almost forgot how easy being a lower-decker is.

All I did was stand in the back of a banquet all day.

I just waited in the transporter bay

in case anybody needed to be transported.

Why did we ever rank up again?

So what if their showers are a little cramped,

or their replicators can only make

one slice of pizza at a time?

A small price to pay for no worries

and no responsibilities.

Even these close quarters don't bother me.

[sighs] Mmm.

[sighs] Yep, I could get used to this easy life.

-[alarm blaring] -Ow! What the [bleep]?!

[all grumbling]

COMPUTER: Klingon Encounter.

Really? I think I know how to handle one of those.

Ensigns, your mission is to support your commanders.

-[rumbling] -[shouting]

Stop goofing around, Ensigns! The ship's under attack!

-What happened? -Don't worry about it. Get to work.

These crates aren't gonna stack themselves.

Really? There are Klingons on the other side of the hull,

and this is our job?

Aw, son of a...

-[rumbling] -[grunts]

If they wanted us to stack these,

then why are they shaped like this?!

Quick! Have you seen a Q come through here?

-Q is on the ship? -Forget I said anything.

Commander, wait. We're Starfleet officers.

We can help you, just tell us what's...

The Jem'Hadar? Get to battle stations!

Damn it!

Aha! I got it.

[rumbling]

Failed!

Now that both sides have been put through individual tests,

your last drill will be a joint exercise:

a simulated experience

that uses your real bridge.

The true test of a crew is seeing how you can

unite as a single team.

"Steal the Cerritos from spacedock

and use it to save Spock on the Genesis planet."

-Okay, yeah. -An oldie but a goodie.

And just what do you think you're doing, Ensign Freeman?

[grumbles] Force of habit.

All right, look alive, people. Yeoman Ransom,

let's get some fresh coffee on deck.

Yes, sir.

Ensign Freeman, full thrusters, take us out.

Aye, Captain. 90 seconds to spacedock.

[Shaxs grunting]

Ensign Shaxs, what are you doing?

Requesting permission to stretch, Captain.

My back's killing me from sleeping in those bunks.

Oh, it's naked time!

Ugh! No. Stop that. Stop now.

Geez, what's gotten into you?

It's-it's just something

I'm remembering from the drills.

The one where you couldn't even

get on a horse?

How do you know about that?

The drills are public, Beckett.

I watched the playback.

I'm just saying, two and a half years of lessons

-and that's what you had to show for it? -[groans]

Congratulations, Ensign.

You've earned yourself a trip to the brig.

-I've never been sent to the brig. -[alert beeping]

-Well, now you have. -On what grounds?

MARINER: On my grounds!

[overlapping arguing]

-FREEMAN: Beckett, I am speaking! -[explosion]

Captain, did you want your coffee with cream or...

Dang. That's gotta be a record.

Actually, it is.

I can't believe we didn't even make it out of the spacedock.

There's not even a numerical score for that.

Just "incomplete."

Oof, somehow that feels worse.

-I guess I... -You know I...

-Oh, you go. -No, no, no, you.

[sighs] You know, it's been so long since I've been an ensign,

I forgot how hard it can be when you're not in the loop.

In a lot of ways, taking orders is the more challenging job.

That's nice to hear, but ditto.

Commander-level stuff is hard.

Just the constant tightrope walk of protocol.

Not worth the pesto.

Guess the carpet's always grayer

-on the other side of the ship. -Big-time.

-[laughter, chatter] -T'ANA: Do they know what "stacked" means?

We're [bleep] stacking for what reason?

FREEMAN: Hold on.

That's what this has all been about.

That drills consultant made us suffer

through all of this crap

just so we'd understand what the other ranks go through.

That's the actual drill here.

Ugh, you're right!

Where is that tri-bodied little trickster?

I want to shake her hand.

Yo, Shari Yingo Yango,

-we figured you out, girl. -You did?

Yeah, these drills were secretly about team building.

You came in to make us appreciate each other more.

And it worked! Thanks to you, the Cerritoscrew will

move forward with greater empathy

and a deeper appreciation for each other.

[laughs]

Oh, no, you won't be moving forward at all.

[cackling]

-[cackling] -What are you--

what is she laughing about?

Oh, come on.

Your drills scores are well below failing.

Once they're submitted, Starfleet Command will

relegate and reassign this entire crew.

So this wasn't about teamwork?

Teamwork? No.

This was about saving my job.

The bigger ships always passed my drills with no problem.

It was starting to seem like we didn't

need a drills program at all.

This one needed a crew to fall short

to prove the drills were still valuable,

and, oh, did I find a crew.

You targeted us for failure?

This is a ship whose captain left four ensigns

on a spacewalk to answer a distress call.

It was a pretty safe bet.

And, of course, it didn't hurt to goose the drills a bit.

Oh, I knew it. That mirror universe drill was rigged.

They were all rigged! [laughs]

And those horses. I would never get trampled by a horse.

Oh, actually, no, the horses weren't rigged.

I ran out of time. That one's on you.

Horses love me. Shut up!

We won't let you get away with this.

Cerritoscrew, we've got to do more drills

-to get our scores up. -It's too late.

Once the drills have been failed,

you're locked out.

Soon this one will submit your final scores

to Starfleet, and that will be the end of...

Wait, shut up, the drills aren't over.

-One is still active. -What? Which one?

-It's Boimler! -How?

That Borg drill should've been over hours ago.

Well, it doesn't matter.

One passing score will make little difference.

-If the drills aren't finished... -Our scores aren't final!

Boimler, can you hear me?

Hey, Mariner, I was just about to close out this drill.

-I finally got a perfect... -FREEMAN: Don't you finish that drill, Ensign.

That's an order!

Captain, but I beat the Borg Queen in chess,

-and I taught her empathy. -Just stay in that drill!

The crew is counting on you.

Yeah, Shari Bing Bang is trying to screw us,

but she can't until your drill is over.

-Just keep Borging! -I'm on it.

Resistance is futile.

Aw, man.

You know you've already lost, right?

All you're doing is torturing that young officer.

He'll be fine. He's one of our best.

-He is? -None of you are the best.

You're on a California Class ship.

Most of the Federation doesn't even know you exist.

The smaller the ship, the tougher the crew.

Oh, please, face the truth.

This one's made the drills.

This one's read all about life on starships.

Exactly. You've read how to work in space,

but have you ever been in a real life-or-death situation?

-That doesn't matter. -It's about to.

Captain on deck! Real captain.

Ensign Tendi, run a long-range scan for any potentially

hazardous anomalies in this system.

Yes, sir. Is this a new drill?

Oh, no, this is real.

What is that supposed to mean?

All right, let's see, we've got a tetryon wormhole,

chroniton radiation stream.

Ooh, a loner crystalline entity,

a crystalline entity consuming a rogue planet,

a couple crystalline entities getting frisky-- huh.

Lots of, lots of crystalline entities today.

Must be crystalline entity season or something.

Ensign, set an intercept course

for one of those crystalline entities.

-Warp four. -Aye aye, Captain!

"The Crystalline Entity" is drill number 89.

A classic. Can't wait.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no!

No, no, no, no, no. [yelps]

Come on, Mariner, whatever you're doing up there, hurry!

Aah! Borg Queen!

Uh, how-how's the empathy?

We were able to assimilate it.

No, no, no, no, no, my score!

Captain, we've reached the crystalline entity.

It appears to be feeding on unstable nebula radiation.

Oh, my, it's bigger than this one thought.

Unstable, huh?

Seems like something we should investigate.

Shields up, take us in.

What? No! In my drill, you're never supposed to...

This isn't a drill.

[whimpering]

Shields holding, Captain,

but I'm reading transphasic energy within the perimeter.

That's a new one. Let's get a closer look!

No! We don't know the effect of-- [screaming]

Controls are getting choppy.

MARINER: We're caught in an electromagnetic

resonance belt. I think we're in trouble!

This is not good!

Whoa! [screaming]

[whimpering]

Mariner, I really need to get out of here. Like now!

-[blowing] -Ooh.

[chuckles] Kinda tickles.

A remarkable creature.

Your design very nearly passes as human.

-I am human. -Oh!

Wow. Then you need to drink more water.

Your skin is a mess.

But still, I think I should add your biological distinctiveness

to our own; it's kind of our thing.

Are-are you sure? Because I've got

hay fever and acid reflux.

Adding me might result in a net negative for the collective.

[screaming]

Oh, this one's gonna puke. [cries out]

We need to fire a graviton pulse to punch a hole out.

On my mark. Mmm...

Say "mark"! Say "mark"! What are you waiting for?!

Just making sure you're as scared as you're going to get.

-You're [bleep] crazy! -Mark!

Full impulse!

[Shari screaming]

Mariner, find me something else dangerous to scan.

I'm in the mood for a black hole.

-Why?! -We're gonna keep doing this

until you change our score.

There's a black hole feeding on a temporal rift

just three systems over. Lots of time quakes.

Sounds perfect. Maximum warp.

You can't blackmail me at the expense of your crew.

They do this kind of work every day.

You gonna give us a passing grade,

or are we just gonna keep seeking out

dangerous situations for you

to see up close?

[crying out]

Stop! Stop! We can't!

[screaming]

Get me out of here! Get me out of here!

[whoops] We could do this all day, lady!

[alert blaring]

All right, fine. You win, you win!

There, it's done. You've passed.

Mr. Rutherford, stop our spin.

Aye, Captain.

[grunts] What? But the temporal black hole...

Well, that was kind of a lie. It's just a regular black hole.

Yeah, no biggie.

Which you would have known if you weren't

a total fraud.

I'll be sure to put that in my report.

-[cheering, whooping] -[groans]

Boimler! We did it. Hey, it's all good.

You can exit the drill now.

Boimler?

♪

I can him hear him shuffling around in there.

Mr. Boimler! You can come out now.

You saved the ship!

There is no Boimler. I am Excretus of Borg.

Get him out of there!

[groans weakly]

Assimilate. I must assimilate!

I, uh-- [whimpering] Where am I?

You're still on the Cerritos, Mr. Boimler.

The crew owes you a debt of gratitude.

I was assimilated. They-they put implants up my...

Ear is where they put the implants.

Right in your ear. Come on, pal, you need a drink.

Did I, did I get my perfect score?

You sure did. A hundred percent.

Hell yeah. Hit me. Hit me again.

Shari Yn Yem is no longer working for Starfleet.

Apparently she stepped down because of on-the-job stress.

Feels good, ruining a jerk's career.

Agreed. And there was one thing she did manage

to teach us today.

Whoa, new replicator?

Let's just say we experienced

what the lower decks have been eating,

and noticed it could use some improvement.

We updated this one with most of the senior officer menu codes.

We get pesto?!

If you're going to be facing danger

on a daily basis,

might as well get the good stuff.

Thanks, guys. Aw, this is really nice.

Ooh, ooh, does it make the lobster mac and cheese

with the breaded top?

SHAXS: Sounds like the one thing

the Borg left you with

-was your appetite. -[laughter]

BOIMLER: They took everything that I was.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

[man imitates weapons firing]

Chirp.