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- Oh, Jesus Christ! Please, don't shoot! - Oh, for Christ's sake...

It's not loaded, you big pussy.

- I forgot about your trip. - Yep.

Killing wild animals. It's what I live for.

Are you allowed to take that on the plane?

If you got money, you can do any fucking thing you want.

Trust me, this is costing me a lot.

Take a look. There's the prize.

Shambhala.

A super rare albino giraffe.

I paid extra to have that bitch electronically tagged

so there'll be no place for her to hide.

Levels the playing field, don't you think?

I wish you wouldn't bring weapons into the office

and could you stop pointing that at my staff?

- That anal bead isn't at his desk. - Who, Daniel?

Ah, yes. Look at the mock-ups.

- They're very good. - That's shit.

I wanna see bags under the eyes, tubes coming out of the nose.

Yeah, well, I guess we could take some photos of his chemotherapy treatment.

Yes, work that out.

Where the fuck is he?

I don't know but, you know,

he's got cancer.

He's probably a bit poorly.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

I don't know where I'd go.

I obviously can't stay at Ash's place.

You can stay at mine.

Oh, yeah, America. That's really handy for my office.

Is it that bad between you guys, then?

I mean, I know she was screwing your best friend.

Yeah, I'm sleeping on the couch.

- Can't you get a place of your own? - Not until this money comes through.

This 30K is gonna totally sort me out.

You know, and plus I'll... have, like, five grand left for Vanessa, you know,

- to pay for the funeral. - What? Is Ash dead?

Not yet, but, come on, he's not waking up.

- I... I want to help out. - Aw...

That's nice! Totally makes up for you killing him.

You know, I just can't wait till I tell Becca...

that I know everything about her being a cheating bitch

before I move out.

Shit, she's coming.

Oh, hi, love.

Are you playing with Will_5000? Say hello from me.

- Uh, Becca says "Hi." - Say "Fuck you!" from me.

Uh, he says "Hi" back.

You look cold, do you want my slanket?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm fine.

So, she hasn't noticed the slanket is gone?

Last seen wrapped around Ash's body.

I've ordered a replacement. Amazon Prime.

Should be here today.

- I'm on the phone, Mum sends her love. - Oh, send mine back.

He sends his love back, Mum.

No, yeah, he's doing great.

Looking at him, if you didn't know, you'd think he was fine.

Uh, this... this better be my last one, mate.

Loser.

Uh, the post's been, my love!

I'm off to work now. I'll see you tonight, dearest.

Annette!

People are commenting on how well I look.

Shouldn't I be thinner or, like, losing my hair?

Dr Daniel's been doing his research, hasn't he?

Look, cancer treatment affects each individual patient differently.

Um, side effects can include weight loss, vomiting,

loss of appetite, hair loss, mouth ulcers,

diarrhea, constipation.

Well, I pretty much have one of the last two all the time.

All right, well, look, I mean,

just say you have mouth ulcers.

OK, well, I need bottles with, like, the name of the medicine printed on it.

And, um, we need a treatment schedule. I mean, this has to look real.

As soon as you called, I had some labels printed

and I put them on these empty bottles for you.

You spelt my name wrong.

Really? Are you sure?

About the spelling of my very common name? Yes.

Ah...

Just, uh, fill them with vitamin tablets.

Isn't chemotherapy usually given via intravenous drip?

Correct.

Perhaps you and I should swap seats.

Uh, no, look, it's a mixture of tablets and intravenous drugs,

and I booked you in for an IV session here tomorrow.

Luckily, We Cover want to keep all the treatment in-house,

so it suits us just fine.

What are you going to be giving me?

Well, it's a saline solution but, uh, I'll cover the labels

so it looks like I'm giving you real chemotherapy.

You, young man, will come out feeling like the chicken that found the golden grain.

What does that mean?

Oh, you don't know that children's story? It's...

It's charming. Little Hen gets lost on the way to market.

Can't find her way home.

- And then Naughty Squirrel... - Sorry, how does this apply to me?

Well, it means you'll come out feeling great, like the chicken done.

Daniel, stop worrying.

You'll make yourself ill.

For real.

Let me show you out.

Oh, they've...

I think you need to... pull... pull it.

Ah!

Lift going up.

I can't believe we're actually going through with this.

Yes, yes, it's not ideal, but we have to cover ourselves.

I just keep thinking we should back out,

you know, put a stop to it all.

I mean, it's just gone too far.

I know it's too late for that.

Here's Dr Glennis's last appointment.

- He should be free now. - Where is his office?

He had to head out.

Yeah, something about a home emergency.

I didn't see him leave, and I've been sat here all day.

Yeah, he did, about 15 minutes ago.

Yeah, he let me stay in his office and make a phone call.

His shit car's still outside.

Maybe he got a cab?

When he gets back, can you make sure you get him to contact me?

- It's very urgent. - Of course, Officer.

- You can count on me. - Where's his parking space?

Thank you.

Now, Mr. Glass, when will we be seeing your cheery face again?

Oh, um, tomorrow, actually.

Um, I did just leave something in Dr Glennis's office.

Can I just go back...

Soz, I can't let you in there unsupervised.

The doctor shouldn't have left you on your own.

He's always breaking the rules.

Oh, it's fine.

I'll just get it tomorrow.

Bloody scientists.

Blasted thing! Ah!

- Right. - Dr Glennis?

- Yes? - Are you OK in there?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm fine!

Mr. Glass said you'd left.

Well, uh...

I... I did.

Well...

I tried to and, uh...

I was stuck in this cupboard.

While you were stuck in there, a policeman came by.

He asked if you could give him a call today.

I can't imagine what that would be in connection with.

He left his number.

Right. Uh...

Uh... Must... crack on. Thank you, Linda.

- Lisa. - Yeah...

07 700 900 843.

- Dr Iain Glennis speaking. - It's me!

- Where did you go? - Sorry about that.

Where did you go and why are the police looking for you?

I don't know.

He was looking in your car.

You did clean up that boot? You told me you did.

- Yes, of course I did. - You definitely burnt the slanket?

Yes.

I... I did!

As long as there's no trace of Ash in there, we should be OK.

Yes, you're... you're absolutely right.

Goodbye!

Oh, blast!

"...oxygen bleach such a hydroperoxide."

"It has an oxidizing agent, in this instance,

the hemogoblin is completely removed

and can't be detected."

That's just the ticket.

- Hi, Mum. - Hi, Simon, I mean, Daniel.

- Sorry, love. - No worries. I'm used to it.

How are you doing?

You promised your dad you'd call every day.

Yeah, yeah, I'm OK.

- I start my chemotherapy tomorrow. - He starts his treatment tomorrow.

- Your father will take you. - What?

He said he'd never get in a car with me again.

Not with you driving, no, but he'll be driving, so it's fine.

No. It's all right, Mom, it's no... it's not a big deal.

It is.

Your father will be there.

No, honestly, Mom, I want to do this by myself.

Say thanks to Dad, but I don't want to waste his time.

- It's not a waste of time. - Oh, Mom, I've got another call coming.

It's work. I've got to go. OK, bye.

- Guess who... - Ah!

Fuck!

- What's on your hands? - Oh, whoopsies...

Sorry.

I was trying to make my Shower Gel Warmer smell better.

The last one was chili oil.

Yeah, I think you need to wash your hands.

Oh, my dad used these.

He said they made his tongue feel fat.

I get nausea from them but, um, my tongue feels normal.

Apart from the mouth ulcers.

They look like multivitamins.

Yeah, it's best not to keep them out of the bottle, you know, they...

lose their... potency.

Uh, can I have a quick word?

Yeah.

Kenny, uh, wants some photos of you for this We Cover campaign

and, I'm so sorry to ask this...

do you have a treatment schedule?

Um... Yes. Yeah. No, I should have it by the end of the day.

Oh, fantastic.

- Yeah. We must keep Mr. West happy. - And...

And perhaps you should take the rest of the day off?

Your eyes look very red.

Oh, yeah, that's, um, that's actually a side effect...

of my...

medicine.

Uh, no, I want to soldier on, you know, get some work done.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Inspiration to us all.

Daniel?

Daniel, are you OK?

Oh, give me a minute.

You've been in there for half an hour, I'm worried.

It's just the side effects.

Ooh, that was a bad one.

Can I get you something, some water?

No, no, I've got some, thanks.

It says if your symptoms persist you should contact your doctor.

Oh...

Ooh...

I don't know what it is, but I have never wanted you more.

Oh, oh...

Oh, I think... I think round two is about to begin.

Oh...

Thanks for that, Dad. That was really good of you, but...

- don't... don't wait for me. - It's fine.

I... I brought a book.

No, honestly, Dad, I... I'll make my own way back.

I might be ages in there.

I promised your mother that I would.

Uh, yeah, hi, Mum.

Can you call Dad and tell him not to wait for me outside the clinic?

OK?

These ruddy things.

Take your gloves off.

Ah!

- What's happened to your hands? - I scorched them on a hot coffee.

- They look awful. - Yes, I won't lie to you.

I'm in a great deal of pain.

No one will be any the wiser.

I've also got your pre-meds here, "antnausea".

Although I've swapped them out for "plass boss".

Placebos?

Yes, it's just a word that means fake medicine.

- Fine. - No one can trace any wrongdoing.

What about that policeman who wants to look at your car?

Well, he has an appointment with me later,

but the car is spotless, no trace of your friend remains.

Right. Let's administer your chemotherapy.

The whole process takes a little under an hour, Mr. Glass.

Uh, I'm sorry, but this room is booked for a session of chemotherapy.

Yeah, we know.

Daniel, Dr Glennis, I'd like you to meet Athan, our photographer.

- Pleasure to be working with you. - Hi.

Athan? Is that Greek?

- As in "Athans"? - Uh, no.

Ath-an. As in short for Jonathan.

He's here to take inspirational pictures of your cancer-riddled body

being given the best chemo that money can buy,

courtesy of We Cover Insurance.

Oh! Lucky... lucky me.

Yes, lucky fucking you.

Athan is coming with me to photograph the hunt,

although right now he's going to photograph the cunt.

- Right, Doc? - Yes, Kenny...

So, I'd like to get a few shots of you guys in action.

Will you administer the medication to Daniel directly, Doc?

Oh, yes, yes, of course I will.

I like all my patients to feel like I'm taking care of them

every step of the way.

We can't do this.

Why not?

This is cast-iron proof.

Photographic evidence. Here we go.

What the fuck? Go on, stick him. I gotta leave in 45 minutes.

That police car's blocking my light.

Fucking pigs.

What?

Oh, fuck!

- I didn't change the tire. - What?

I did not change the tire.

- Oh! - Argh!

Fuck! Jesus Christ, my fucking lens!

Nurse! Nurse!

Can you, oh... I just have to step out for a second.

Where the fuck are you going?

Hey, hey, Dr Dickhole!

- Get back here! - Morning.

What the fuck!

Car keys, car keys...

Here he is, Officer.

Hello.

Uh... Coffee?

- I'm OK, thanks. Now a good time? - Yes.

Yes, why wouldn't now be a good time?

I realize I'm early for our appointment,

you're just a very hard man to get hold of.

I've been very, very busy. Oh...

Tell me, did you ever catch the hit-and-run culprit?

They're still at large...

and I believe there's more to it than a hit-and-run.

I believe an attempted murder's being covered up.

Wasn't that really hot?

- Oh, yeah... - So...

I have a very serious question to ask you, Dr Glennis.

Right. What... What is it?

Something that's been bugging me.

- Right, yes. - Can you take a look at my back?

- I... I'm... I'm sorry? - I have a mole.

It's been preying on my mind.

I want to get it checked out, but our GP is a family friend.

- I don't want to cause worry. - OK.

- I've not been sleeping because of it. - Uh, yes, I... I can see it right away.

Uh, please, pop your stab vest off.

Daniel? Daniel?

Where the fuck is that prick?

I'm sure he won't be long.

In an episode of House,

the doctor performed three operations at once.

- Oh, great. - It only took about half an hour.

You. Nurse.

Hook him up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where... Where's Dr Glennis?

I don't have the authority to administer chemotherapy.

Um, not without a... a senior doctor...

present.

I own We Cover Insurance.

We Cover puts thousands of patients in this clinic.

Ergo I pay your wages.

Sorry.

Well...

if that's not enough authority for you...

perhaps this...

will change your mind.

- Oh... - Hook... him... up.

Um, I need to get a... a replacement bag.

Well, move your ass.

Move your ass!

Now, to the layman, a mole changing color

can be cause for concern,

but I'm very pleased to say this is nothing to worry about.

Thank you, Dr Glennis. What a load off my mind.

Anytiiime. Uh, just glad I could do my bit.

Now, I had a little look at your car earlier.

I noticed you didn't change that tire.

Good lord. Yes. Yes, you're right.

Mea culpa.

- I'll get it done right away. - Make sure you do.

And thanks again. I'll sleep tonight.

We both will!

Oh, almost done here, Dr Glennis.

I told him to wait for you.

Where the fuck have you been?

What, you administered chemotherapy?

Mr. West had a gun pointed at me.

You what?

Don't shoot me, Kenny.

You British are such pussies.

No, we're not.

It's not even loaded.

Your car's here, Mr. West.

Oh, thank God.

Becca, Athan, we got a giraffe to kill.

Ta-ta!

Daniel, I'm going to run through some of the side effects you can expect.

So, vomiting...

hair loss...

diarrhea...

mouth ulcers.

It's on the We Cover account, so it's fine if you're sick in it.

My tongue feels fat.

I told you.

I'll check in on you later, then.

- How's my boy? - Dad!

- They got me a car. - Oh, cancel it.

I'll take him from here.

- Thanks for waiting, Dad. - I really wanted to finish my book.

I don't agree with everything he says but that Clarkson can write a funny anecdote.

Listen, uh...

me and your mum overreacted when you crashed the car and...

broke my leg all those years ago.

We...

forgive you.

Let's never speak of it again.

Daniel?

Daniel? Are you OK?

- Dr Glennis is here. - Daniel?

Becca has asked me to check on you.

Door's open.

- I'll go and make some tea. - Splendid.

Hello!

Oh...

Is this real or part of the act?

Of course it's fucking real!

You gave me actual chemotherapy today.

Well, I mean, strictly speaking, it wasn't me, it was that nurse, but...

I'm just surprised that the anti-nausea medication hasn't helped much.

That's because you gave me a fucking placebo!

Oh, yes, yes, but...

it'll pass and you'll...

you'll soon be feeling like the chicken that got the golden...

- This wasn't part of the plan. - Yes, true.

But, uh, we're very much in the clear now.

No one can ever possibly question whether or not you have...

cancer.

Not a living soul.

It's only six months. And then everyone will think I beat it.

Then I can get my life back on track.

No one will ever know I faked cancer... faked cancer... faked cancer.

Ash!

- You and Becca! - Yeah!

Becca's my girlfriend, you're my best...

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