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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:05,370
♪♪
2
00:00:05,450 --> 00:00:07,700
[ Scanner beeps ]
3
00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:09,080
[ "Jingle Bells" plays ]
4
00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:10,370
Are those yours,
too?
5
00:00:10,450 --> 00:00:12,450
W-What?
Are the scissors
yours?
6
00:00:12,540 --> 00:00:13,790
Yeah, it's all mine.
7
00:00:13,870 --> 00:00:15,410
Unless you have
bigger scissors.
Bigger?
8
00:00:15,500 --> 00:00:18,040
For a-a cord-thing that might be
hard to cut through.
9
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:19,660
What's the cord-thing
made of?
10
00:00:20,540 --> 00:00:22,540
Never mind. What else
do you need for a baby?
11
00:00:22,620 --> 00:00:24,250
Um, I don't know.
Food?
12
00:00:24,330 --> 00:00:26,040
Shit, you're right.
Where do I get that?
13
00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:29,540
No, she won't call her parents.
Get here now!
14
00:00:29,620 --> 00:00:31,540
[ Clattering ]
Fuck! Shit!
15
00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:33,750
I don't care how cute
the guy at Lush is!
16
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:36,620
How old is the baby?
17
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,200
It's, uh,
about to be born.
18
00:00:38,290 --> 00:00:40,370
'Cause I don't think they start
eating this kind of food
19
00:00:40,450 --> 00:00:43,000
until they're,
you know, older.
20
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,120
Fuck me. Fuck!
Fuck me!
21
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,250
[ Breathing heavily ]
22
00:00:48,330 --> 00:00:49,910
Does it matter
what kind?
It's by age.
23
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,080
And yeah, it matters because
you should be breastfeeding.
24
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,370
Well, maybe she has clogged
milk ducts from a weak latch.
25
00:00:54,450 --> 00:00:55,910
It's not for me,
and she's not gonna breastfeed.
26
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,500
She doesn't even want
the baby. Jesus!
27
00:00:58,580 --> 00:01:00,830
♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
[ Breathing heavily ]
28
00:01:00,910 --> 00:01:03,160
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
29
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:05,080
If my friend had,
like, a major emergency
30
00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:06,660
and couldn't make it
to the sale today,
31
00:01:06,750 --> 00:01:08,620
would you ever let her
have the sale price tomorrow?
32
00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:10,870
No.
[ Scoffs ] Okay.
33
00:01:10,950 --> 00:01:12,500
Well, my friend is
about to give birth,
34
00:01:12,580 --> 00:01:15,580
so thank you very much for
having such a big fucking heart.
35
00:01:17,830 --> 00:01:20,330
[ Knocking ]
Hey! Hey!
36
00:01:20,410 --> 00:01:21,580
Hey, hey!
37
00:01:21,660 --> 00:01:23,000
My friend
is in there!
38
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:24,330
Well, you better
tell her to come out,
39
00:01:24,410 --> 00:01:25,870
because that's
a handicapped restroom,
40
00:01:25,950 --> 00:01:27,830
and it needs
to be free for...
[ Girl groaning ]
41
00:01:27,910 --> 00:01:29,290
...actual
handicapped people.
42
00:01:29,370 --> 00:01:30,540
You're not supposed to
say "handicapped"!
43
00:01:30,620 --> 00:01:32,290
It is so offensive!
That's not true.
44
00:01:32,370 --> 00:01:33,700
If there's
someone else in there,
45
00:01:33,790 --> 00:01:35,500
they'll both be escorted
down to the security office,
46
00:01:35,580 --> 00:01:37,290
and their parents
will be notified.
47
00:01:37,370 --> 00:01:39,700
She's on her period!
Oh, my God!
48
00:01:39,790 --> 00:01:41,330
And she's
bleeding and puking,
49
00:01:41,410 --> 00:01:43,450
and I went to get her
tampons and Aleve.
50
00:01:43,540 --> 00:01:45,830
And what if she is handicapped?
How do you know?
51
00:01:45,910 --> 00:01:47,000
Can you imagine
being handicapped
52
00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,290
and having your period?
53
00:01:48,370 --> 00:01:49,580
Do you even know how
hard that would be?
54
00:01:49,660 --> 00:01:50,790
I see Oreos.
55
00:01:50,870 --> 00:01:52,120
Excuse me, sir,
do you have a period?
56
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,700
Because maybe you don't know
what you need.
57
00:01:53,790 --> 00:01:56,790
I do know you don't need Oreos
for a menstrual situation,
58
00:01:56,870 --> 00:01:59,120
but if you're in there
smoking joints, you might.
59
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,080
Can you please explain to me
what a "menstrual situation" is?
60
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,660
Exactly. So, can you please
just stop discriminating
61
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,330
against women
and wheelchair people
62
00:02:06,410 --> 00:02:07,500
and let me
take care of my friend
63
00:02:07,580 --> 00:02:08,580
and her bleeding vagina?
64
00:02:08,660 --> 00:02:10,540
Thank you very much.
[ Moaning ]
65
00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:12,250
It's me.
66
00:02:12,330 --> 00:02:13,870
I think it's starting
to come out!
67
00:02:13,950 --> 00:02:17,790
♪ ...open sleigh ♪
68
00:02:17,870 --> 00:02:19,160
[ Cellphone swishes ]
69
00:02:19,250 --> 00:02:20,660
♪ Heh, heh ♪
70
00:02:20,750 --> 00:02:22,080
♪ Hey, a poppin' bitch ♪
71
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:24,500
Doctor: I'm getting squirtedon my scrubs.
72
00:02:24,580 --> 00:02:25,700
We've got a squirter!
73
00:02:25,790 --> 00:02:26,950
Riley's mom:
Did you ask your dad
74
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,750
to give you money
for Photo Club?
75
00:02:28,830 --> 00:02:29,830
Uh-huh.
76
00:02:29,910 --> 00:02:31,410
What did I just say?
77
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:33,330
I don't know.
Something naggy.
78
00:02:33,410 --> 00:02:35,330
♪ Like I said,
get it poppin', bitch ♪
79
00:02:35,410 --> 00:02:36,620
♪ Now hands up ♪
80
00:02:36,700 --> 00:02:39,410
I don't thinkI'm doing it right.
81
00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:40,700
Like this?
82
00:02:40,790 --> 00:02:42,330
[ Funky music plays ]
83
00:02:42,410 --> 00:02:43,580
Woman: Yeah,just like that.
84
00:02:43,660 --> 00:02:45,160
You like it?Mm-hmm.
85
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:47,000
[ Moaning ]
86
00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:48,290
You'rea good teacher.
87
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,700
[ Gasps ]
[ Moans ]
88
00:02:50,790 --> 00:02:51,950
[ Both moaning ]
89
00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,370
[ Ad playing ]
No, no, no, no.
90
00:02:55,450 --> 00:02:56,870
Man: Whips, chains,and handcuffs.
91
00:02:56,950 --> 00:03:00,000
[ Overlapping chatter,ads chiming ]
92
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,660
Oh, shit.
93
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,410
Ugh! Fuck.
94
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:05,580
Shit.
[ Emojis popping ]
95
00:03:05,660 --> 00:03:07,160
Oh, my God.
96
00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:11,370
♪ When I come through,
why you get uncomfortable? ♪
97
00:03:11,450 --> 00:03:13,830
No, no, no, no, no.
98
00:03:13,910 --> 00:03:15,500
♪ Get it poppin', bitch ♪
99
00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:17,450
Ugh!
100
00:03:17,540 --> 00:03:19,040
Fuck.
101
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:21,700
♪ You a poppin' bitch ♪
102
00:03:21,790 --> 00:03:23,250
No, no, no, no, no!
103
00:03:23,330 --> 00:03:25,160
Oh, my God!
104
00:03:25,250 --> 00:03:26,410
[ Sighs ]
105
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,410
[ Keyboard clicking ]
106
00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:29,870
Oh.
107
00:03:29,950 --> 00:03:31,790
[ Muffled scream ]
108
00:03:31,870 --> 00:03:34,080
Doctor: I'm getting squirtedon my scrubs!
109
00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:35,290
We've got a squirter!
110
00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:36,700
God. Oh, why?
111
00:03:36,790 --> 00:03:39,750
You don't think
it's cute?
No! Stop! Ew.
112
00:03:39,830 --> 00:03:41,040
Are you home
for dinner?
113
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,080
Yes, I am, but don't --
don't make the beans.
114
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:44,750
Okay.
And you know what?
115
00:03:44,830 --> 00:03:46,540
And wash my clothes if
you're gonna wear them.
116
00:03:46,620 --> 00:03:50,410
Really. Or else I smell
like Old Spice and hormones.
[ Chuckles ]
117
00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:52,660
I'm getting squirtedon my scrubs.
118
00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:54,250
We've got a squirter!
119
00:03:54,330 --> 00:03:56,330
♪ Only ever been
a poppin' bitch ♪
120
00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:57,910
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
121
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,250
♪ A poppin' bitch ♪
122
00:03:59,330 --> 00:04:00,540
Nathan: Hey, can you
come here a sec?
123
00:04:00,620 --> 00:04:02,250
Naomi: No, I don't
want to catch pinkeye.
124
00:04:02,330 --> 00:04:04,080
I told you, it's not pinkeye.
I just got something in it.
125
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,080
I just want to show you that
I deleted the hickey pic.
126
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:08,620
♪♪
127
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,500
Show me your
Recently Deleted.
128
00:04:10,580 --> 00:04:12,580
♪ Hey, where my
poppin' bitches at? ♪
129
00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:14,000
♪ Ah, ah, ah-ah-ah ♪
130
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,120
Oh, my God.
131
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:18,160
Are you
male-model posing?
132
00:04:18,250 --> 00:04:19,620
It was a joke.
133
00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:21,200
Okay, so the thing
about my eye --
Whatever.
134
00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:23,620
Just tell me, did you
actually touch a dick?
135
00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:25,370
Yes. So --
Oh, my God.
136
00:04:25,450 --> 00:04:26,660
Was it dick pic guy?
137
00:04:26,750 --> 00:04:27,830
Because did you notice
that guy
138
00:04:27,910 --> 00:04:29,580
has a birthmark
near his dick,
139
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,580
and the birthmark
looks like a tiny dick?
140
00:04:31,660 --> 00:04:33,000
Literally.
I am not even kidding.
141
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,370
It is a dick
next to a dick.
[ Horn honking ]
142
00:04:35,450 --> 00:04:37,370
Chill the fetch out!
We're coming!
143
00:04:37,450 --> 00:04:39,620
Doctor: I'm getting squirtedon my scrubs.
144
00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:43,750
Who even likes these videos?
White people?
145
00:04:43,830 --> 00:04:48,870
White people are
just so fucked up.
Patrick: Wow.
146
00:04:48,950 --> 00:04:51,330
Today's Club Fair.
You should join BSU.
147
00:04:51,410 --> 00:04:52,660
Oh, I didn't know that.
148
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:54,330
Arianna, are you gonna
join any clubs?
149
00:04:54,410 --> 00:04:56,830
Oh, Dad, let me just think
for a second.
150
00:04:56,910 --> 00:04:57,830
No, I'm not.
151
00:04:57,910 --> 00:04:59,370
Well, in my day,
extracurriculars
152
00:04:59,450 --> 00:05:01,040
were helpful
for college applications.
153
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:04,120
For me, it's about all the
causes I want to do, you know?
154
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:06,580
I can't do all of them, though,
'cause I'm in 11 clubs.
155
00:05:06,660 --> 00:05:09,250
You need a time-turner.
[ Chuckles ]
156
00:05:09,330 --> 00:05:11,000
Yeah, uh, no,
you can't say that anymore.
157
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,830
Patrick: You can't?
Delilah: No. You know.
158
00:05:12,910 --> 00:05:14,500
J.K. Rowling?
Transphobic.
159
00:05:14,580 --> 00:05:15,700
Plus the whole
queer-baiting thing.
160
00:05:15,790 --> 00:05:17,370
But, like,
how do I choose?
161
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,660
You know, 'cause mental health
awareness is a big one for me,
162
00:05:19,750 --> 00:05:21,540
but Suicide Prevention
meets at the same time
163
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,200
as Girls' League
and Animal Empathy Club,
164
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:26,120
so how am I supposed to pick
between feminism, animal rights,
165
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,750
and stopping kids
from killing themselves?
166
00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:29,370
How -- How did she
queer-bait, by the way?
167
00:05:29,450 --> 00:05:30,830
Oh, by saying
after the fact that
168
00:05:30,910 --> 00:05:33,370
Dumbledore and
Grindelwald are gay.
Ugh.
169
00:05:33,450 --> 00:05:35,200
But not, like,
having-sex gay, right?
170
00:05:35,290 --> 00:05:36,700
'Cause that's nasty.
171
00:05:36,790 --> 00:05:37,790
Patrick:
I hate teenagers.
172
00:05:37,870 --> 00:05:38,830
Oh, come on!
173
00:05:38,910 --> 00:05:40,080
Who wants to see
an old man
174
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,120
choking on another
old man's dick?
175
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,410
Okay, Delilah, is there
any sort of LGBT club?
176
00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,750
♪ A poppin' bitch,
eh, eh ♪
177
00:05:46,830 --> 00:05:48,120
♪ Be a poppin' bitch ♪
178
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:50,450
♪ Ey, ey, baby,
I'm a poppin' bitch ♪
179
00:05:50,540 --> 00:05:53,370
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh,
a poppin' bitch ♪
180
00:05:53,450 --> 00:05:56,120
♪ Play some Baby in the club,
get it poppin', bitch ♪
181
00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:57,870
Did you know
the owner of Segway died
182
00:05:57,950 --> 00:06:00,540
when he accidentally drove
a Segway off a cliff?
183
00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:02,790
Hmm. I did not
know that, no.
184
00:06:02,870 --> 00:06:04,330
Hi!
Hi.
185
00:06:04,410 --> 00:06:05,830
Where are we
with the rooftopping?
186
00:06:05,910 --> 00:06:07,540
Look, I -- Oh, my God.
187
00:06:07,620 --> 00:06:10,120
See, and you know
I'm all about the truth,
188
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,540
so maybe we move on,
okay?
189
00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:13,870
Sam: I don't feel like
moving on just yet.
190
00:06:13,950 --> 00:06:15,450
You wanna know
why I do it?
191
00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:17,040
We can start there,
yeah.
192
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:20,120
To feel alive.
193
00:06:21,290 --> 00:06:22,580
What do you do
to feel alive?
194
00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:24,160
Drugs.
195
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:26,700
Which is my name for watching
"How Stella Got Her Groove Back"
196
00:06:26,790 --> 00:06:28,080
twice last week.
197
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:29,540
For the Taye Diggs
shower scene?
198
00:06:29,620 --> 00:06:30,790
I just like the movie.
199
00:06:30,870 --> 00:06:32,250
Hmm.
200
00:06:32,330 --> 00:06:33,580
That's pretty
embarrassing.
201
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:35,620
Thank you.
Nice swim cap.
Thanks.
202
00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:36,950
It's a water polo
Club Fair thing.
203
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,120
You should come see me
play sometime.
204
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:40,080
You belong to any
other clubs?
205
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:41,790
Oh. Okay.
206
00:06:41,870 --> 00:06:43,910
So, like,
"be a joiner"?
207
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,370
Or like, "If he's busy,
he won't rooftop."
208
00:06:46,450 --> 00:06:47,910
What about the GSA?
First of all,
209
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,410
the woman who runs it
is so cringe,
210
00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:51,200
she literally drove
all the gay kids away.
211
00:06:51,290 --> 00:06:52,750
I'm not kidding.
212
00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:57,870
Also, the whole GSA thing
is so '90s and so...binary,
213
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,450
and, like, do we really
need another bake sale
214
00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:03,330
to benefit sad gay people
in Chechnya?
215
00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:07,450
I told you,
she's a bitch.
216
00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:10,290
My family's actually
from Chechnya.
217
00:07:10,370 --> 00:07:12,000
Black Russians exist.
218
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,040
I wasn't...
219
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:19,450
[ Chuckling ] Yeah,
my family's from Irvine.
220
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:20,580
I'm just messing with you.
221
00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:22,950
Oh. Your face.
222
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,080
Black Russians exist?
223
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,200
[ Laughs ] God damn.
224
00:07:27,290 --> 00:07:28,500
Close your mouth.
225
00:07:29,870 --> 00:07:34,540
You know, I would be more open
to joining the GSA
226
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:38,250
if there were
a new faculty advisor.
227
00:07:38,330 --> 00:07:40,540
They would have to
be queer, of course,
228
00:07:40,620 --> 00:07:43,330
but the only other
out teacher is Mr. Lee,
229
00:07:43,410 --> 00:07:45,830
and his nipple ring
shows through his polos,
230
00:07:45,910 --> 00:07:48,080
so that really
wouldn't work.
231
00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,330
Also, I saw him
yell at a dog once.
232
00:07:50,410 --> 00:07:53,950
But, um...
what about you?
233
00:07:56,750 --> 00:07:57,870
Chester: Free Hug Club!
234
00:07:57,950 --> 00:08:00,120
Now only hugging with
radical consent!
235
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,620
Girl: Delilah!
Oh, be right there!
236
00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:03,830
Just going to Dolls with Balls
and Planeteers!
237
00:08:03,910 --> 00:08:08,040
Come join our shirtless
gay massage club!
238
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,200
Dude.
239
00:08:09,290 --> 00:08:11,830
Fine, do Film Club.
Be pretentious.
240
00:08:11,910 --> 00:08:14,120
And don't expect to come out
of there and be dateable!
241
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,200
Jack, you gotta go
to the next level!
242
00:08:16,290 --> 00:08:18,830
Oh,
I'm not doing that!
243
00:08:18,910 --> 00:08:20,080
But you have to.
244
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:21,410
I just snapped you.
245
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:22,870
Come on.
They're gonna run out.
Okay.
246
00:08:22,950 --> 00:08:24,040
Hold on.
I gotta snap her back.
247
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,250
It's a
two-year streak.
248
00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:26,700
Also, I need to be
on her good side
249
00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:28,200
so she's not mad
when I tell her about Jack.
250
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:29,700
Dude, she's gonna be mad
about him no matter what.
251
00:08:29,790 --> 00:08:30,910
Ooh!
Animal Rights Club.
252
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,370
I love animals.
Save the animals!
253
00:08:33,450 --> 00:08:35,000
Yeah. [ Laughs ]
254
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:37,410
"I prefer circumcised
to uncircumcised."
255
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,620
Strongly agree.
256
00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:41,120
Doesn't uncircumcised
mean dick cheese?
257
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,370
[ Groans ]
258
00:08:42,450 --> 00:08:44,540
Also, isn't everyone
circumcised now?
259
00:08:44,620 --> 00:08:46,410
Here,
but not in France.
260
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:48,700
There, it's all about
stinky cheese.
261
00:08:48,790 --> 00:08:50,250
I cannot! Ew.
262
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,500
I have a good feeling
about Jack's.
263
00:08:52,580 --> 00:08:55,540
Seriously, I feel slut energy
radiating from you.
264
00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:57,500
Oh! Really?
265
00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,200
You're like
a slut phoenix
266
00:08:59,290 --> 00:09:02,700
rising from the ashes
of being a virgin.
267
00:09:02,790 --> 00:09:04,160
[ Bell dings ]
Oh, fuck.
268
00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:06,120
What?
I have to go to
the gay club,
269
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:07,870
or my dads will
cut off my finances.
270
00:09:07,950 --> 00:09:09,120
[ Sighs ] Boo.
271
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,750
I want you limping
the next time I see you.
272
00:09:11,830 --> 00:09:13,620
Okay!
Bye, bitch!
273
00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:15,620
[ "Born This Way" plays ]
274
00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:17,790
♪ I'm on the right track, baby ♪
275
00:09:17,870 --> 00:09:20,910
♪ I was born this way ♪
[ Laughs ]
276
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,540
Come on in!
Wave your freak flag!
277
00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:24,700
Or just be an ally
to a Freak Flagger!
278
00:09:24,790 --> 00:09:26,540
Did she just say
"fagger?"
279
00:09:26,620 --> 00:09:28,000
Maybe?
280
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:29,790
♪ Ooh, thereain't no other way ♪
281
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,790
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
282
00:09:31,870 --> 00:09:34,870
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
283
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:36,120
Don't be a drag.
284
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,620
Be a queen.
285
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:38,910
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
286
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:40,580
♪ I'm on the right track, baby ♪
287
00:09:40,660 --> 00:09:42,080
Good to see you here.
288
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,290
Good to see you here.
289
00:09:44,370 --> 00:09:47,290
But, ooh, baby girl,
you need people.
290
00:09:47,370 --> 00:09:49,750
It looks like Prom
at conversion camp.
291
00:09:49,830 --> 00:09:51,620
Ooh. Can we go to
Theater Club next?
292
00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:53,290
I like how Sophie
Deichman-Alperstein...
[ Cellphone chimes ]
293
00:09:53,370 --> 00:09:55,620
...is dressing
kinda slutty now.
Yes.
294
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,620
This was totally worth
the creep factor.
295
00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:59,500
Riley: Chester says come to
GSA for chocolate.
296
00:09:59,580 --> 00:10:00,620
Did he say me too?
297
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,410
Come on. Come on.
Thank you.
298
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,290
Yes, thank you,
and praise the Elders!
299
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:05,870
Why are Mormons
always so hot?
300
00:10:05,950 --> 00:10:07,120
[ Gasps ] Wait.
The Jew meeting.
301
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,700
We have to go.
I love their food.
302
00:10:08,790 --> 00:10:10,040
Like -- Like,
the kanishey thingies.
303
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:11,950
Mm.
Oh, my God.
304
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,200
It is Sophie
Deichman-Alperstein,
305
00:10:13,290 --> 00:10:15,830
and she is wearing
knee-high socks.
306
00:10:15,910 --> 00:10:17,290
[ Muffled ] Oh, my God.
307
00:10:17,370 --> 00:10:18,500
You are puberty.
308
00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:20,080
Come on.
Let's go to the GSA.
309
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:21,410
Right now.
Okay.
310
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,250
Come on.
311
00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:25,290
H-Hi.
Hey, Jack.
312
00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:26,500
Can I talk to you for a sec?
313
00:10:26,580 --> 00:10:27,500
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
314
00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:28,750
I'm gonna go
over there.
315
00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:31,370
Dude, you're not
texting me back.
316
00:10:31,450 --> 00:10:34,410
Yeah, sorry, my phone's been,
like, super weird.
317
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:36,330
Yeah, I kinda feel bad
about Naomi.
318
00:10:36,410 --> 00:10:37,660
Yeah. Y-Y-You don't
mean like --
319
00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:40,660
like, "say something to her"
feel bad, right?
320
00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:41,870
'Cause, like, I had
the same thing of, like,
321
00:10:41,950 --> 00:10:43,290
you know,
maybe I should tell her,
322
00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:45,250
but then I was like --
Wait, wait, wait.
323
00:10:45,330 --> 00:10:46,330
So, you were
gonna tell her?
324
00:10:46,410 --> 00:10:48,080
No. No, no, no, no, no.
325
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,700
Um... Are -- Are --
Are you?
326
00:10:50,790 --> 00:10:52,160
Young man: Jack!
327
00:10:52,250 --> 00:10:53,660
I gotta go.
328
00:10:55,580 --> 00:10:57,660
Stop. Stop.
He won't say anything.
[ Groans ]
329
00:10:57,750 --> 00:10:59,160
Come on.
Let's go stress-eat chocolate.
330
00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:01,000
Okay. Let's go.
That's what we need.
331
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:02,660
Riley: That's what we need.
Come on, horsey!
[ Grunts, laughs ]
332
00:11:02,750 --> 00:11:03,830
Come on, horsey!
333
00:11:03,910 --> 00:11:06,500
Whoo! Go!
334
00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:08,040
Show time, people!
335
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,620
You coming in?
Come on!
336
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,790
Oh, come on.
Join us!
337
00:11:11,870 --> 00:11:14,000
There we go.
It's a packed house.
338
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,200
Oh, come on. Coming in doesn't
mean coming out, you know.
339
00:11:16,290 --> 00:11:18,040
♪ Ooh, there ain'tno other way ♪
340
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,700
♪ Baby, I was born this way ♪
341
00:11:19,790 --> 00:11:22,450
Just grab a seat
wherever you're...
342
00:11:22,540 --> 00:11:24,200
[ Button clicks, music stops ]
343
00:11:24,290 --> 00:11:26,200
Okay. So!
344
00:11:26,290 --> 00:11:28,580
Maybe we can all introduce
ourselves with a fun fact.
345
00:11:28,660 --> 00:11:30,250
Ooh, can I start?
346
00:11:30,330 --> 00:11:32,910
I'm Arianna, and my fun fact is
my parents are gay.
347
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,790
Hey, wow.
That's very special.
348
00:11:34,870 --> 00:11:36,200
Yeah, um, they freaked out
349
00:11:36,290 --> 00:11:37,870
over a couple of jokes I made
this morning
350
00:11:37,950 --> 00:11:39,200
and said
if I didn't come,
351
00:11:39,290 --> 00:11:40,950
they'd stop
paying for my phone.
Oh.
352
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:43,580
And then I recently learned
that they're thinking of
353
00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:45,870
bringing a third
into their relationship.
354
00:11:45,950 --> 00:11:47,830
They read my texts,
so I was like,
355
00:11:47,910 --> 00:11:49,370
"Let me return
the favor."
356
00:11:49,450 --> 00:11:51,290
Apparently,
when you're gay,
357
00:11:51,370 --> 00:11:53,950
your slut phase lasts
even after you get married.
358
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,370
Okay! Okay!
Thank you. Thank you.
359
00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:58,950
Let's -- Let's try
something besides fun facts.
360
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,790
How about, uh,
astrological signs?
361
00:12:01,870 --> 00:12:05,250
Like...I'm Sam. I'm a Virgo.
362
00:12:05,330 --> 00:12:06,790
Some people say that
it's the snobbiest sign,
363
00:12:06,870 --> 00:12:09,910
but obviously,
those people have bad taste.
364
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,410
[ Chuckles ]
365
00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:14,580
Thank you.
Oh! I get it now.
366
00:12:14,660 --> 00:12:15,910
Thank you.
367
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,500
Hi! Uh, I'm Chester.
I'm a Scorpio.
368
00:12:19,580 --> 00:12:23,410
Uh...if you hurt me,
I'll pretend to be unbothered
369
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,870
and then
literally kill you.
370
00:12:25,950 --> 00:12:26,950
Who wants
to be friends?
371
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,830
[ Alarm blares ]
372
00:12:28,910 --> 00:12:31,370
Woman over P.A.:
Teachers and students,may I have your attention?
373
00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:33,450
The school is in lockdown.
374
00:12:33,540 --> 00:12:34,870
Shit on my dick!
375
00:12:34,950 --> 00:12:37,450
Everyone stay calm!
376
00:12:37,540 --> 00:12:39,830
Okay, please, I'm begging you,
just remain calm!
377
00:12:39,910 --> 00:12:41,370
Sam: Someone grab the blinds.
378
00:12:41,450 --> 00:12:42,750
I'm gonna give you a notebook
to write your name in.
379
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:43,910
Pass it along.
380
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,540
Oh. Okay. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
381
00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:47,120
Okay, I'm sure they'll tell us
soon if this is a drill.
382
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,250
Let's take this seriously,
everyone, but not panic.
383
00:12:49,330 --> 00:12:51,450
Please don't panic!
Yeah, don't panic.
384
00:12:51,540 --> 00:12:53,620
There are a ton more
panic-worthy things
385
00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:54,830
happening in the world,
386
00:12:54,910 --> 00:12:59,000
like 150 animals
go extinct every day,
387
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,790
and every 0.3 seconds,
someone dies of starvation.
388
00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:04,870
These are good things
to panic about.
389
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:07,660
Pan-ic. Health-i-ly.
Peo-ple.
390
00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:09,580
Chester.
Come on. Sit down.
391
00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:12,580
Listen, the bad news is,
this sucks.
392
00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:15,040
The good news is,
you're locked in a room
393
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,830
with a licensed counselor.
394
00:13:16,910 --> 00:13:18,830
Well, some of you might
consider that bad news.
395
00:13:18,910 --> 00:13:21,290
In any case, there's a spot
here next to me
396
00:13:21,370 --> 00:13:23,500
if anyone wants to
talk about anything.
397
00:13:26,290 --> 00:13:27,910
Or not.
398
00:13:31,580 --> 00:13:32,540
[ Bag thuds ]
399
00:13:32,620 --> 00:13:35,000
[ Cellphones swish, chime ]
400
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,450
A woman sunbathing
was fatally stabbed
401
00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:46,250
when the wind blew a beach
umbrella into her chest.
402
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:52,250
A man in Iceland fell
into an active volcano
403
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:53,870
while taking a selfie.
404
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:58,000
Yeah.
[ Speaking native language ]
405
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,370
Greta: Ana, it's okay.
406
00:14:00,450 --> 00:14:02,000
It's probably
just a drill.
407
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:04,200
Ana: Should I cometo get you?
No, you --
408
00:14:04,290 --> 00:14:07,330
They won't let you
come to the school.
409
00:14:07,410 --> 00:14:08,700
I know you're worried.
410
00:14:08,790 --> 00:14:10,620
[ Cellphone beeps ]
411
00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:11,830
I love you a lot, too.
412
00:14:11,910 --> 00:14:16,700
[ Crying ]
I'm freaking out.
413
00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:18,450
I'm freaking out.
414
00:14:18,540 --> 00:14:20,290
[ Crying stops ]
415
00:14:20,370 --> 00:14:23,290
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Crying ]
416
00:14:23,370 --> 00:14:25,370
I'm freaking --
417
00:14:25,450 --> 00:14:28,250
[ Cellphone beeps ]
[ Crying ]
418
00:14:28,330 --> 00:14:30,250
Oh, my God. I think
there's a shooter outside.
419
00:14:30,330 --> 00:14:32,370
Like, I think they're
gonna come in.
420
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:35,160
I'm too young to die.
421
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:38,830
[ Sobbing ]
I'm freaking out!
422
00:14:38,910 --> 00:14:41,580
Uh, Arianna?
[ Cellphone chimes, swishes ]
423
00:14:41,660 --> 00:14:43,160
Arianna.
424
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,040
Oh, no, I'm good.
425
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,830
I'm just having fun
with my dads.
426
00:14:47,910 --> 00:14:49,160
Okay.
427
00:14:49,250 --> 00:14:52,580
Hey, listen, i-it's okay
if you're scared.
428
00:14:52,660 --> 00:14:55,910
Yeah, I-I-I wouldn't mind just
acknowledging, by the way,
429
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,750
how -- how seriously crazy
our world is right now.
430
00:14:58,830 --> 00:15:01,750
I'm sorry, I just -- just think
it's helpful to voice that
431
00:15:01,830 --> 00:15:03,500
every once in awhile, and --
432
00:15:03,580 --> 00:15:06,700
and I'm still here
to talk if anyone wants.
433
00:15:06,790 --> 00:15:09,040
[ Students whispering ]
434
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,040
I mean,
the one thing is,
435
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,950
we're pretty used to
stuff like this.
436
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,040
Also, why freak out
437
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,870
when we're all gonna be dead
by 2050 anyway, right?
438
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:21,370
What?
439
00:15:21,450 --> 00:15:24,290
Why does anyone care
about joining a club
440
00:15:24,370 --> 00:15:27,370
to fix a world that's literally
gonna be uninhabitable?
441
00:15:27,450 --> 00:15:29,870
Are you for real
right now?
No.
442
00:15:29,950 --> 00:15:31,000
'Cause you know
this is something
443
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:32,540
I'd want to talk about.
I know.
444
00:15:32,620 --> 00:15:34,290
You call your grandma?
No.
445
00:15:34,370 --> 00:15:36,120
She's at work
and not really a texter,
446
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,870
and so if I call her,
she'll see it's me
447
00:15:37,950 --> 00:15:39,290
and have a heart attack.
448
00:15:39,370 --> 00:15:40,620
That would suck, so...
449
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,580
When I called to
get your phone number
450
00:15:42,660 --> 00:15:44,450
'cause of the really
alarming picture you sent
451
00:15:44,540 --> 00:15:46,080
on the edge of a roof,
she was like,
452
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,000
"Yeah, I'll give you his number,
but if you're lying and turn out
453
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,750
to be some creepy stalker,
I'll find you and kill you."
I love her.
454
00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:53,330
Riley: My mom says
Next Door Neighbor is saying
455
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:55,370
there's some sort of
suspicious activity nearby.
456
00:15:55,450 --> 00:15:58,200
Is that, like, "shooter on
the loose" suspicious activity?
457
00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,410
Or like, the time it was
just some homeless guy
458
00:16:00,500 --> 00:16:01,870
wandering around
with a stick
459
00:16:01,950 --> 00:16:03,790
and it took them four hours
to figure it out?
460
00:16:03,870 --> 00:16:06,910
I was so hungry
during that one.
It was actually
five hours,
461
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,660
and I only know that
'cause I got through almost
462
00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:11,040
half of the first season
of "Friends."
463
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,830
You know,
some sophomore in Orange
464
00:16:12,910 --> 00:16:15,160
literally became TikTok famous
during a lockdown?
465
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:17,870
I don't know. She says there's
like 400,000 police cars.
466
00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:19,700
[ Loud pop ]
[ Students gasp ]
467
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:22,200
Sorry, guys.
468
00:16:22,290 --> 00:16:23,950
♪ Ain't nobody better than me ♪
469
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:25,950
♪ Got the nourishment you need,vitamin P ♪
470
00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:28,500
♪ P for pussy, P for power,P for pride and prestige ♪
471
00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:30,750
♪ P for poppin', P for price,P for packin' them things ♪
472
00:16:30,830 --> 00:16:33,160
♪ I mean, what could bebetter than me? ♪
473
00:16:33,250 --> 00:16:35,200
♪ Burger B serving your needs,vitamin P ♪
474
00:16:35,290 --> 00:16:38,500
Chester: Uh...I mean,
Paris runway is up at the top,
475
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,160
and honestly, I can't
even decide if I'd rather
476
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,540
walk in a show or just be, like,
477
00:16:41,620 --> 00:16:43,080
a coldhearted bitch
in the front row
478
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:44,500
with, like,
the bug-eyed sunglasses.
479
00:16:44,580 --> 00:16:46,040
You know what I'm talking about?
[ Chuckles ]
480
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,790
Um...summering in Sweden
481
00:16:47,870 --> 00:16:51,540
with some daddy
named Lars, obviously.
482
00:16:51,620 --> 00:16:55,000
Also getting over my
fear of death would be nice.
483
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,700
That one's...
more long-term, maybe,
484
00:16:57,790 --> 00:17:01,950
and hard to do when, like, the
whole point of a Fuck-It List
485
00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,250
is to think about things you
want to do before you die,
486
00:17:04,330 --> 00:17:06,540
which only reinforces
your fear of death.
487
00:17:06,620 --> 00:17:09,580
I want to do the ten-pound
burger challenge
488
00:17:09,660 --> 00:17:10,830
and the Rainbow Milk
challenge.
489
00:17:10,910 --> 00:17:12,410
I want to go to
some small village
490
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:13,830
where no one
speaks English
491
00:17:13,910 --> 00:17:16,950
and I can't understand
what anyone is saying,
492
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:22,200
and I just sit in a café
and, like, listen.
I love that.
493
00:17:22,290 --> 00:17:24,950
I want to punch someone
in the face for no reason,
494
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,910
but, like,
really, really hard.
495
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,580
I-I definitely
want to skydive.
496
00:17:30,660 --> 00:17:32,700
Oh, and I want to spend the
night in "It's a Small World."
497
00:17:32,790 --> 00:17:34,500
Yes. I want to
do that so bad.
498
00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:35,540
Ugh. That song.
499
00:17:35,620 --> 00:17:37,200
Really?
It always made me cry.
500
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,750
I don't know. Just, like,
everyone's happy
501
00:17:39,830 --> 00:17:41,910
and connected in
their little, racist groups.
502
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,120
Yeah, no, I mean,
I secretly love it, too.
503
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:47,410
The song. Not racism.
504
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,500
I obviously don't secretly
love racism.
505
00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:55,250
I just want to go to college.
506
00:17:55,330 --> 00:17:58,000
Doesn't matter so much
which one.
507
00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,410
It's just that...
508
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:02,830
like, we're not
all dead or whatever
509
00:18:02,910 --> 00:18:05,910
and people are actually
still going to college.
510
00:18:08,330 --> 00:18:09,910
♪♪
511
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,620
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
512
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:13,450
♪ Yes, you can look,you cannot touch ♪
513
00:18:13,540 --> 00:18:14,620
♪ No touchin' ♪
514
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:16,370
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
515
00:18:16,450 --> 00:18:19,450
♪ Yes, you can look,you cannot touch ♪
516
00:18:19,540 --> 00:18:21,120
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
517
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,160
♪ Yes, you can look,you cannot touch ♪
518
00:18:24,250 --> 00:18:26,000
♪ Deluxe, fill up ya cup ♪
519
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,450
♪ Yes, you can look,you cannot touch ♪
520
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,910
[ Water bottle crunching ]
521
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:39,290
♪♪
522
00:18:39,370 --> 00:18:41,790
J: [ Chuckles ] Here's some
useless information --
523
00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:45,160
so, a guy robbed a Quiznos,
and they can't find him.
524
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:49,000
He had a gun, um, which may
or may not have been fake,
525
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,750
and a duffel bag full of
semi-automatic rifles,
526
00:18:52,830 --> 00:18:53,830
or fishing gear.
527
00:18:53,910 --> 00:18:55,620
The cashier couldn't tell.
528
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:58,290
[ Crunching continues ]
529
00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:06,620
♪♪
530
00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:10,500
[ Crunching stops ]
531
00:19:10,580 --> 00:19:13,330
Nathan: He's wearing a Supreme
hat. He's obviously not gay.
532
00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:14,700
Hmm.
533
00:19:14,790 --> 00:19:17,620
Also, can we talk about
how disappointing it is
534
00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:20,700
that the one hot Black teacher
in our school sucks dick?
535
00:19:20,790 --> 00:19:23,370
Okay, you -- you can't
say shit like that.
536
00:19:23,450 --> 00:19:25,200
My comedy's edgy, okay?
537
00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:26,500
And you know what?
538
00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:28,120
I got lotsa gay in my life.
539
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,830
I love my gay, but people being
precious -- no. I itch.
540
00:19:31,910 --> 00:19:34,790
Like, get me some calamine
and shut the fuck up.
541
00:19:35,870 --> 00:19:37,000
Who are you, by the way?
542
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,200
I was just looking
for another club
543
00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:40,080
when the lockdown
happened.
544
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,290
MELT?
The Mormon club?
545
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,080
[ Chuckling ] Oh, damn.
546
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:49,200
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
547
00:19:49,290 --> 00:19:55,330
♪♪
548
00:19:55,410 --> 00:19:56,700
Oh, hot.
549
00:19:56,790 --> 00:19:58,200
You like those?
550
00:19:58,290 --> 00:20:00,870
Like you'd do things
with those?
Yeah. Definitely.
551
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,540
Oh, my God. Perv.
552
00:20:02,620 --> 00:20:04,410
Those are
your sister's knees.
553
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,250
Ew! Fuck! What? What?
554
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:08,290
Why is she even sending you
fake tit pics?
555
00:20:08,370 --> 00:20:11,080
Quality control before
they go to Jack.
556
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:15,790
'Cause they about to go
boom-boom-boom in the bathroom.
557
00:20:15,870 --> 00:20:17,410
Wait -- Wait, he's actually
going to see her right now?
558
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,120
What's wrong?
Uh...nothing.
559
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:20,580
I think I heard
something about him.
560
00:20:20,660 --> 00:20:23,410
You know, like,
some sort of...STD thing.
561
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,450
Ugh. God. Yeah. So,
maybe you should tell her.
562
00:20:25,540 --> 00:20:27,000
I-I think you should.
Nah.
563
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:28,790
Jack's an honors student.
564
00:20:28,870 --> 00:20:31,200
That there is good, clean,
academic dick.
565
00:20:31,290 --> 00:20:32,870
She's fine.
But what if
there is a shooter?
566
00:20:32,950 --> 00:20:34,250
I mean, d-does she actually
want blood on her hands
567
00:20:34,330 --> 00:20:35,330
just to catch a dick
or whatever?
568
00:20:35,410 --> 00:20:36,500
There is no way
569
00:20:36,580 --> 00:20:40,410
I'm coming between her mouth
and his junk.
570
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:43,910
Chester: Ugh!
I'm so over this lockdown!
571
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,040
[ Indistinct conversations ]
572
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:52,250
♪♪
573
00:20:52,330 --> 00:20:54,120
You okay?
574
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:57,620
Yeah. Just sometimes my heart
beats too fast.
575
00:20:58,540 --> 00:20:59,790
I don't really
know why.
576
00:20:59,870 --> 00:21:01,080
They just have to
take it seriously
577
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,250
'cause it's
near a school.
578
00:21:02,330 --> 00:21:03,330
Yeah, I know. I-I know.
579
00:21:03,410 --> 00:21:04,450
It's not even
really about that.
580
00:21:04,540 --> 00:21:07,200
It's just, um,
sometimes...
581
00:21:07,290 --> 00:21:09,250
small spaces
kinda stress me out.
582
00:21:09,330 --> 00:21:10,950
Probably comes from
being trapped in
583
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,120
too many rooms
with arguing parents.
584
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,830
That sucks.
It's fine.
585
00:21:14,910 --> 00:21:17,120
It's just...you know.
586
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,620
I'm sorry about
the texts this morning.
587
00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:23,950
Huh?
588
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:25,790
Oh. Please.
589
00:21:25,870 --> 00:21:29,750
I once texted, "I'm so wet"
to my Dad by accident.
590
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:31,790
[ Both chuckle ]
591
00:21:31,870 --> 00:21:35,370
Doesn't this morning
feel like 100 years ago?
592
00:21:35,450 --> 00:21:38,450
[ Sighs ]
593
00:21:38,540 --> 00:21:40,450
I was such a bitch
to my mom.
594
00:21:41,750 --> 00:21:43,950
[ Exhales deeply ]
595
00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,500
Oh, wait. Shit.
Fuck. Sorry.
596
00:21:46,580 --> 00:21:48,290
No. No, it's fine.
I'm sorry.
597
00:21:48,370 --> 00:21:50,330
I heard about your mom.
Seriously.
598
00:21:52,660 --> 00:21:58,040
This sounds so shitty,
but it's just...
599
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,830
less stressful,
her not being here.
600
00:22:00,910 --> 00:22:03,580
Why do you think I moved
into the shed in my yard?
601
00:22:03,660 --> 00:22:05,500
[ Sighs ]
602
00:22:05,580 --> 00:22:07,160
It was all a mistake.
603
00:22:07,250 --> 00:22:09,910
She actually
has her papers.
604
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,450
She's with her family
in Guadalajara
605
00:22:11,540 --> 00:22:14,080
until they
sort it all out,
606
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,000
and secretly,
I think she's okay, too.
607
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,370
They all binge
"The Crown" together.
For real?
608
00:22:19,450 --> 00:22:21,750
Yeah, but she thinks it's
like a telenovela,
609
00:22:21,830 --> 00:22:24,790
so, she's all like, "Ooh,
La Reina, she's such a bitch.
610
00:22:24,870 --> 00:22:27,040
Season two, she's gonna totally
behead her husband."
611
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,910
[ Both laugh ]
612
00:22:34,950 --> 00:22:37,330
Still?
613
00:22:37,410 --> 00:22:38,540
Yeah.
614
00:22:38,620 --> 00:22:39,870
[ Exhales deeply ]
615
00:22:39,950 --> 00:22:43,160
I had this whole
heart-racing thing
616
00:22:43,250 --> 00:22:45,080
after my mom
showed me "E.T."
617
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,500
I hated that movie.
618
00:22:47,580 --> 00:22:49,450
I wish E.T. had died.
619
00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:50,950
Me too.
620
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,950
My mom, she would do
this rhyming thing,
621
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:02,660
if I was, like,
sick or something.
622
00:23:02,750 --> 00:23:05,790
She would go,
"Sana sana, colita de Rana,
623
00:23:05,870 --> 00:23:08,200
si no sanas hoy,sanaras mañana."
624
00:23:08,290 --> 00:23:11,790
It was so dumb,
but it worked.
625
00:23:11,870 --> 00:23:14,540
And she would do
this thing with my hand.
626
00:23:15,830 --> 00:23:17,750
What'd she do?
627
00:23:17,830 --> 00:23:27,040
♪♪
628
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:30,250
Sana sana,colita de Rana,
629
00:23:30,330 --> 00:23:33,870
no sanas hoy,sanaras mañana.
630
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,160
Sana sana,colita de Rana,
631
00:23:41,250 --> 00:23:44,040
si no sanas hoy,sanaras mañana.
That's nice.
632
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,580
Sana sana,colita de Rana,
633
00:23:46,660 --> 00:23:50,000
si no sanas hoy,sanaras mañana.
634
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:51,080
Sana sana...
635
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:54,410
Oh, 'ack, I 'uv 'ur 'ock!
636
00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:57,250
[ Muffled ]
It is so hard!
637
00:23:57,330 --> 00:23:58,500
♪ Bitch, get off my wave ♪
638
00:23:58,580 --> 00:24:00,040
♪ I got ways, I got hella ways ♪
639
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,790
[ Cellphone vibrates ]
[ Sighs ]
640
00:24:01,870 --> 00:24:03,580
♪ I got ways,bitch, get off my wave ♪
What?
641
00:24:03,660 --> 00:24:05,120
Nathan: Hi, I know you'reprobably gonna hate me,
642
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:06,830
but there's something Ihave to tell you,
643
00:24:06,910 --> 00:24:08,330
[ Knock on door ]
and I know you'regonna be mad --
644
00:24:08,410 --> 00:24:09,950
I can't talk.
I'm getting some.
Wait!
645
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:11,700
Chester: But at least
we have our guns.
Fuck!
646
00:24:11,790 --> 00:24:13,330
Second Amendment.
[ Gunfire on cellphone game ]
647
00:24:13,410 --> 00:24:15,290
Plus, if you think about it,
we're probably, like,
648
00:24:15,370 --> 00:24:18,120
the fifth-most-hated
club on campus.
649
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:21,000
I mean, any shooter
is obviously going to
650
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,910
the Black Student
Union first.
651
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,330
No other group in America
has had more violence
652
00:24:26,410 --> 00:24:27,540
inflicted upon them
653
00:24:27,620 --> 00:24:30,700
both systematically
and interpersonally.
654
00:24:30,790 --> 00:24:35,120
Unless it's, like, some
immigrant-hating MAGA guy,
655
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,910
'cause then he's
going to MEChA first.
656
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,330
Although, it could be,
like, Hillel,
657
00:24:41,410 --> 00:24:44,910
if he's, like, more
of a retro Jew-hater.
658
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,250
On the other hand...
659
00:24:47,330 --> 00:24:48,500
people do hate women.
660
00:24:48,580 --> 00:24:50,330
[ Chuckles ]
Like, really hate them,
661
00:24:50,410 --> 00:24:52,830
so, Girls' League is an option.
662
00:24:52,910 --> 00:24:55,000
'Course, this room,
we got it all.
663
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:57,660
We got black, brown, gay, girls.
664
00:24:57,750 --> 00:25:00,790
So, maybe for efficiency,
they'll just come here.
665
00:25:00,870 --> 00:25:03,160
Multiple birds, one stone
kinda type deal --
666
00:25:03,250 --> 00:25:04,750
Nathan:
Can you just stop?
667
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,120
It's not funny.
668
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,290
What are you talking about?
It's fucking hilarious.
669
00:25:11,370 --> 00:25:13,540
Also, the meaning of life
is that it stops.
670
00:25:13,620 --> 00:25:14,950
Sam: Okay. Okay.
671
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:18,080
Um, maybe, uh, time for
some more music.
672
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:19,790
Riley: So, what are
we listening to?
673
00:25:19,870 --> 00:25:22,250
Fair warning,
if it's Shawn Mendes,
674
00:25:22,330 --> 00:25:23,750
I'm going on
a shooting rampage.
675
00:25:23,830 --> 00:25:25,910
Plus, he had those
racially insensitive tweets.
676
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,580
Plus he sucks.
Okay, here,
here, here.
677
00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:29,830
I'm gonna connect and
randomly play something
678
00:25:29,910 --> 00:25:31,700
from Spotify, okay?
There we go.
679
00:25:31,790 --> 00:25:34,120
♪ The sun is coming up again ♪
680
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,160
♪ Lookin' like it'sgonna be a problem ♪
681
00:25:36,250 --> 00:25:38,250
♪ 'Cause I'd be ly-- ♪
[ Music stops ]
682
00:25:38,330 --> 00:25:39,660
What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
683
00:25:39,750 --> 00:25:41,370
I don't want to listen to
something basic.
684
00:25:41,450 --> 00:25:42,450
I don't. Like, why?
685
00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:44,080
Like, why is life
always a fucking
686
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,870
lowest-common-denominator
compromise?
687
00:25:48,330 --> 00:25:50,040
Chester.
688
00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:51,450
Can I talk to you?
689
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:55,200
Come...talk...to me.
690
00:26:00,540 --> 00:26:02,660
J, put on something
everyone likes.
691
00:26:07,580 --> 00:26:09,040
Sit down a sec.
692
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:19,620
♪♪
693
00:26:19,700 --> 00:26:21,120
I know how stressful
this is.
694
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,450
It's not stressful.
It's just dumb.
695
00:26:26,700 --> 00:26:30,120
And then it turns out
the school now rotocalls,
696
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:31,910
so my Nonna did find out
697
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,830
about this stupid
fucking lockdown
698
00:26:33,910 --> 00:26:35,450
and is now all stressed,
'cause besides
699
00:26:35,540 --> 00:26:38,370
her douchey QAnon brother,
like, I'm all she has.
700
00:26:38,450 --> 00:26:40,750
Like, they did not need to
do that to her.
701
00:26:40,830 --> 00:26:47,040
♪♪
702
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:49,910
So, a poodle in
Buenos Aires fell --
Oh, come on!
703
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,290
Just listen.
Just listen.
704
00:26:52,370 --> 00:26:55,120
A poodle in Buenos Aires
fell 13 floors,
705
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:59,790
randomly hitting a woman,
killing both instantly.
706
00:26:59,870 --> 00:27:01,290
While witnessing
the incident,
707
00:27:01,370 --> 00:27:04,620
another woman
gets hit by a bus.
708
00:27:04,700 --> 00:27:08,580
Meanwhile, a man saw
the second woman's death,
709
00:27:08,660 --> 00:27:11,950
had a heart attack, and died
on the way to the hospital.
710
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:19,870
♪♪
711
00:27:19,950 --> 00:27:23,870
A pallbearer in Finland
712
00:27:23,950 --> 00:27:27,830
died tripping over a stone
while carrying a coffin.
713
00:27:27,910 --> 00:27:33,830
♪♪
714
00:27:33,910 --> 00:27:39,830
♪♪
715
00:27:39,910 --> 00:27:43,330
A mother died of cancer.
716
00:27:48,660 --> 00:27:51,370
[ Students laughing ]
717
00:27:51,450 --> 00:27:55,200
[ Indistinct conversations ]
718
00:27:55,290 --> 00:27:57,120
Riley: Oh, my God.
719
00:27:58,700 --> 00:28:01,120
-Oh, no. That is so gross.
-Whoa!
720
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,540
Doctor: ...soft-serve.
Oh, they're
pinching it so hard.
721
00:28:03,620 --> 00:28:05,200
Nathan:
Is that blood? Oh, my God.
722
00:28:05,290 --> 00:28:08,080
Doctor: Oh.
[ Laughter ]
723
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,330
Why is it
so satisfying?
724
00:28:10,410 --> 00:28:12,040
I think 'cause all
the nasty shit comes out.
725
00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:16,000
Riley: Yeah, and it's, like,
pimples you can control.
726
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:17,250
Chester: What?
727
00:28:17,330 --> 00:28:19,290
Together: Oh, my God.
728
00:28:19,370 --> 00:28:22,870
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, my God.
729
00:28:22,950 --> 00:28:24,540
[ Alarm blares ]
730
00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:26,250
Woman on P.A.:
Lockdown has ended.
731
00:28:26,330 --> 00:28:28,250
Teachers and students,may I have your attention?
732
00:28:28,330 --> 00:28:30,370
Lockdown has ended.
Nathan: It literally looks
like a milkshake.
733
00:28:30,450 --> 00:28:32,250
Ugh.
[ All groan ]
734
00:28:32,330 --> 00:28:35,250
It's dripping!
It's dripping!
Aah!
735
00:28:35,330 --> 00:28:37,500
♪ I thought I came,
but I peed on the dick ♪
736
00:28:37,580 --> 00:28:39,750
♪ Pubic hair got inches,
that's weave on the dick ♪
737
00:28:39,830 --> 00:28:42,040
♪ Pussy like a tree,
it got leaves on the shit ♪
738
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:44,410
♪ Bang-bang this pussy,
Chief Keef with the dick ♪
739
00:28:44,500 --> 00:28:46,580
♪ Climbing on that dick,
need a 10-feet ladder ♪
740
00:28:46,660 --> 00:28:48,910
♪ I love the D,
that's my favorite ladder ♪
741
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:51,700
♪ Sloppy Toppy for papi,
leave Sloppy Joe shook ♪
742
00:28:51,790 --> 00:28:54,160
Is that a birthmark?
Yeah.
743
00:28:54,250 --> 00:28:57,450
♪ I can make
your dick stand up ♪
744
00:28:57,540 --> 00:28:59,080
♪ Are you ready? ♪
♪ Like Statue of Liberty ♪
745
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:00,910
Oh, my fucking God!
746
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:02,450
♪ So hard ♪
747
00:29:02,540 --> 00:29:04,830
♪ Tap the head of the dick,
duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
748
00:29:04,910 --> 00:29:06,830
♪ Head of the dick,
duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
749
00:29:06,910 --> 00:29:09,120
♪ Get that dick up and runnin'
when he fuck this cooch ♪
750
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:11,790
♪ Covered in all my cum, the
dick be lookin' like a goose ♪
751
00:29:11,870 --> 00:29:14,040
♪ Head of the dick,
duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
752
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,040
♪ Head of the dick,
duck, duck, duck, goose ♪
753
00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:18,290
♪ Get that dick up and runnin'
when he fuck this cooch ♪
754
00:29:18,370 --> 00:29:20,790
♪ Covered in all my cum, the
dick be lookin' like a goose ♪
755
00:29:20,870 --> 00:29:23,120
♪ Twat so wet, you could
take a cruise on it ♪
756
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:25,450
♪ Suckin' yo' neck till
I leave a bruise on it ♪
757
00:29:25,540 --> 00:29:27,830
♪ Let you eat the pussy,
just don't use a spoon on it ♪
758
00:29:27,910 --> 00:29:29,790
♪ Put it in a box like you
'bout to move on it ♪
759
00:29:29,870 --> 00:29:31,870
♪ This that submarine pussy,
Mr. Clean pussy ♪
760
00:29:31,950 --> 00:29:33,330
♪ This that I'm 'bout to fuck
you longer ♪
761
00:29:33,410 --> 00:29:34,790
♪ Than a limousine pussy ♪
762
00:29:34,870 --> 00:29:36,700
♪ High self-esteem pussy,
it's a dream pussy ♪
763
00:29:36,790 --> 00:29:39,250
♪ If you're broke than a pussy
actin' funny like a meme pussy ♪
764
00:29:39,330 --> 00:29:41,120
♪ Easy Bake Oven and this pussy
so similar ♪
765
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,620
♪ Touchin' your head but it
ain't checkin' a temperature ♪
766
00:29:43,700 --> 00:29:46,120
♪ Got that dick on lock
like a motherfuckin' prisoner ♪
767
00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:48,000
♪ Nut in my pussy hair,
jumpin' on your dick ♪
768
00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:50,290
♪ Tell your grandma sew my pussy
since you split open my slit ♪
769
00:29:50,370 --> 00:29:52,790
♪ Coochie guaranteed to put you
to sleep so damn soon ♪
770
00:29:52,870 --> 00:29:55,120
♪ Ridin' on that dick,
I'm readin' "Goodnight Moon" ♪
771
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:56,910
♪ Vending machine,
vending machine ♪
772
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,080
♪ Can't eat it 'til there's
money between, money between ♪
773
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:01,330
♪ This pussy is a vending
machine, vending machine ♪
774
00:30:01,410 --> 00:30:04,200
♪ Can't eat it 'til there's
money between, money between ♪
775
00:30:04,290 --> 00:30:06,410
♪ Vending machine,
vending machine, oh, yeah ♪
776
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,370
♪ Vending machine,
vending machine, oh, yeah ♪
777
00:30:08,450 --> 00:30:10,450
♪ Can't eat it until there's
money between, money between ♪
778
00:30:10,540 --> 00:30:13,250
♪ This pussy is a vending
machine, vending machine ♪
779
00:30:13,330 --> 00:30:17,040
♪♪
57970
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