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1
00:00:02,204 --> 00:00:04,375
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,442 --> 00:00:07,582
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,649 --> 00:00:11,289
♪ But where are those
good old‐fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,356 --> 00:00:14,295
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,362 --> 00:00:17,702
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,769 --> 00:00:21,109
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,175 --> 00:00:22,812
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,879 --> 00:00:24,115
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,181 --> 00:00:29,760
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:30,762 --> 00:00:32,766
♪
11
00:00:35,572 --> 00:00:37,909
All right,
time for 8:15 drop‐off.
12
00:00:37,976 --> 00:00:41,115
Now Mommy's on a quick
break till 3:30.
13
00:00:41,182 --> 00:00:43,119
(sighs)
Toughest job in the world.
14
00:00:43,186 --> 00:00:45,892
Oh, look, Kylie's mom
is out of rehab.
15
00:00:45,959 --> 00:00:47,896
Good morning, little guy.
16
00:00:47,963 --> 00:00:50,300
Hey, Janet, good to see you.
17
00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:53,507
Hey, listen, thank you so much
for your apology email.
18
00:00:53,574 --> 00:00:55,410
An individual one
would have been nice,
19
00:00:55,477 --> 00:00:57,882
but one to the whole class
was fine, too.
20
00:00:57,949 --> 00:01:00,521
Have a good day, Stewie.
21
00:01:00,588 --> 00:01:02,491
(loud thud)
22
00:01:02,559 --> 00:01:05,263
Oh, my God, please be
a dog. Please be a dog.
23
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,305
(crying):
Ow. Ow...
24
00:01:09,372 --> 00:01:11,175
Oh, my God, it's a kid!
25
00:01:11,242 --> 00:01:13,848
It's Doug!
Nice hit, bitch.
26
00:01:13,914 --> 00:01:16,185
Oh, and Elsa underwear.
27
00:01:16,252 --> 00:01:19,325
This day just keeps
getting better!
28
00:01:22,164 --> 00:01:24,101
Well, thank you all for coming.
29
00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:26,272
Can I get anyone
something to drink?
30
00:01:26,339 --> 00:01:28,611
I'm fine, but Doug's mother
would probably like
31
00:01:28,678 --> 00:01:31,315
three martinis, and then to have
unprotected sex
32
00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:32,451
with her boss at work.
33
00:01:32,519 --> 00:01:35,290
And Doug's father would love
a glass of warm tap water
34
00:01:35,357 --> 00:01:37,361
and to never make more
than $30,000 a year
35
00:01:37,428 --> 00:01:38,964
for the rest of his life.
36
00:01:39,031 --> 00:01:41,904
And here we go.
37
00:01:41,970 --> 00:01:44,442
Okay, well, I am just so sorry
38
00:01:44,509 --> 00:01:46,212
about what happened with Doug.
39
00:01:46,279 --> 00:01:48,216
I just didn't see
the little guy.
40
00:01:48,283 --> 00:01:50,487
Well, maybe you ought
to get your eyes examined.
41
00:01:50,555 --> 00:01:53,694
I appreciate that it was
an accident, Mrs. Griffin.
42
00:01:53,761 --> 00:01:55,832
But nonetheless,
we've retained a lawyer.
43
00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:58,303
Well, there must be some way
short of a lawsuit
44
00:01:58,369 --> 00:01:59,539
we can make this up to you.
45
00:01:59,606 --> 00:02:01,610
Well, this is my weekend
with Doug,
46
00:02:01,677 --> 00:02:03,514
but I've got tickets
to see Lana Del Rey
47
00:02:03,581 --> 00:02:05,818
with our former nanny Jessica.
48
00:02:05,885 --> 00:02:07,054
(exhales sharply)
49
00:02:07,121 --> 00:02:10,293
She's 24.
So as a form of settlement,
50
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,133
maybe this weekend you can
put together a tree house
51
00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:14,239
I don't want to deal with.
52
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,107
Fine. If that's what
I have to do to make this right,
53
00:02:17,174 --> 00:02:20,447
then Peter and my children will
build your son's tree house.
54
00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:21,282
Deal.
55
00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,419
All right, I guess now
the four men
56
00:02:23,486 --> 00:02:25,725
awkwardly sit here while
my mom gives your mom
57
00:02:25,792 --> 00:02:27,829
a tour of the house
that doesn't deserve one.
58
00:02:27,896 --> 00:02:32,939
LOIS: And this is
a room adjacent to the room
59
00:02:33,006 --> 00:02:34,041
we were just in.
60
00:02:34,108 --> 00:02:36,479
DOUG'S MOTHER:
Ooh, what a fun house.
61
00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:41,990
Okay, Mrs. Griffin,
tell me what you see.
62
00:02:42,057 --> 00:02:45,096
Um, I see a cow in a lab coat,
63
00:02:45,163 --> 00:02:46,967
some vultures
in a cowboy hat,
64
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:50,708
and a dog trying to trick a cat
into a clothes dryer.
65
00:02:50,775 --> 00:02:53,446
Just as I thought.
You're Far‐Sided.
66
00:02:53,514 --> 00:02:55,651
Oh, no.
What‐what do I do about it?
67
00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:57,321
Oh, well, I'm no doctor,
but I would say
68
00:02:57,387 --> 00:02:59,458
you either need to get glasses
or maybe LASIK.
69
00:02:59,526 --> 00:03:01,229
Is that the surgery people get
70
00:03:01,295 --> 00:03:02,765
and then tell everybody
they got it?
71
00:03:02,832 --> 00:03:05,337
Yes, it's the veganism
of elective surgery.
72
00:03:05,403 --> 00:03:06,740
If you're unsure
of what to do,
73
00:03:06,807 --> 00:03:08,744
here's a video of Radiohead
front man
74
00:03:08,811 --> 00:03:11,783
and super weirdo Thom Yorke
to help you decide.
75
00:03:11,850 --> 00:03:13,621
Hello, I'm Thom Yorke.
76
00:03:13,687 --> 00:03:15,892
You might know me
from Radiohead
77
00:03:15,958 --> 00:03:19,666
or my passing resemblance
to a melting Tilda Swinton.
78
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:22,872
Not many people know
that I'm blind in one eye.
79
00:03:22,939 --> 00:03:24,509
Can you guess which one?
80
00:03:24,576 --> 00:03:26,421
‐This is awful.
‐Wait, just give it a few minutes.
81
00:03:26,445 --> 00:03:28,182
All his stuff starts
kind of slow.
82
00:03:28,249 --> 00:03:29,819
Fine, I'll get the LASIK.
83
00:03:29,886 --> 00:03:31,590
Great. Make an appointment
with my nurse.
84
00:03:31,657 --> 00:03:34,061
Now here's a lollipop
from the Sackler family
85
00:03:34,128 --> 00:03:35,932
that says, "Sowwy."
86
00:03:37,702 --> 00:03:40,407
THOM YORKE:
In the future, we won't even need our eyes.
87
00:03:40,473 --> 00:03:42,244
Computers will see for us.
88
00:03:42,311 --> 00:03:45,116
Oh, now you're a doctor?
I guess I'm a singer now.
89
00:03:45,183 --> 00:03:47,354
♪ Tra‐la‐la‐la‐la. ♪
I'm Casey Kasem.
90
00:03:47,421 --> 00:03:50,126
(à la Kasem):
That was Elmer Hartman peaking at number 32 with
91
00:03:50,193 --> 00:03:53,567
"I Hate Computers (Tra‐La‐La)."
92
00:03:58,510 --> 00:04:00,614
Mrs. Griffin,
the surgery was a success.
93
00:04:00,681 --> 00:04:02,552
And by that,
I mean the hospital agreed
94
00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:03,887
to take your Discover card.
95
00:04:03,954 --> 00:04:05,891
Plus, we'll get one percent
of that back,
96
00:04:05,958 --> 00:04:07,962
which is basically
like getting nothing.
97
00:04:16,245 --> 00:04:21,255
(gasps)
Oh, my God... I'm blind.
98
00:04:21,322 --> 00:04:23,159
PETER:
What do you mean you're blind?
99
00:04:23,226 --> 00:04:25,631
‐Y‐You can't see me right now?
‐No!
100
00:04:25,698 --> 00:04:29,371
But you can still see, like,
the stove and laundry, right?
101
00:04:29,438 --> 00:04:31,075
But, Mom, we got you a balloo...
102
00:04:31,142 --> 00:04:32,477
Shh, shh, shh.
103
00:04:32,545 --> 00:04:34,415
(whispers):
She doesn't know about the balloon.
104
00:04:34,481 --> 00:04:36,953
Don't worry, Lois, we'll be
right by your side
105
00:04:37,020 --> 00:04:39,893
the whole time, and not outside
playing with a balloon.
106
00:04:42,932 --> 00:04:45,136
(Peter laughing)
107
00:04:45,203 --> 00:04:46,840
I love you, balloon.
108
00:04:46,907 --> 00:04:48,577
Oh‐oh, oh, no, no!
109
00:04:48,644 --> 00:04:50,280
I'm coming, balloon!
110
00:04:50,346 --> 00:04:53,019
(air hisses, Peter inhales)
111
00:04:53,086 --> 00:04:55,006
(helium voice):
Don't tell your mother about this.
112
00:05:02,905 --> 00:05:05,477
Don't worry, Lois,
I went blind a while back.
113
00:05:05,544 --> 00:05:07,481
It was cool.
They're some of the last people
114
00:05:07,548 --> 00:05:08,851
you can still make fun of.
115
00:05:08,917 --> 00:05:11,088
‐Dad!
‐It's fine, they won't see this.
116
00:05:11,155 --> 00:05:13,527
Dr. Hartman, you said
there was very little risk
117
00:05:13,594 --> 00:05:15,531
to LASIK, but now
I am blind.
118
00:05:15,598 --> 00:05:16,600
How did this happen?
119
00:05:16,666 --> 00:05:18,136
Okay, look,
this isn't my fault.
120
00:05:18,202 --> 00:05:20,073
It was Take‐Your‐Cat‐
To‐Work day.
121
00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:22,477
(meows)
122
00:05:26,218 --> 00:05:30,326
Dr. Hartman, what does this
mean, you know, for me?
123
00:05:30,393 --> 00:05:31,897
Well, whatever your wife
did for you,
124
00:05:31,963 --> 00:05:33,499
you'll now have to do
for yourselves.
125
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,504
And until she gets used
to her new life,
126
00:05:35,571 --> 00:05:37,240
you'll need to take care of her.
127
00:05:37,307 --> 00:05:39,011
Feed her, bathe her,
drive her places.
128
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:42,150
‐They're gone, aren't they?
‐They left, yes.
129
00:05:45,925 --> 00:05:48,697
There they are.
I thought we said 10:00 sharp,
130
00:05:48,764 --> 00:05:50,534
but we must have said 10:18.
131
00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:53,072
(chuckles)
No one's fault, but going forward,
132
00:05:53,139 --> 00:05:56,245
let's make sure we respect
each other's time, hmm?
133
00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:58,482
‐You must be Chris.
‐I must?
134
00:05:58,550 --> 00:06:00,955
You know, we have
a friend in common:
135
00:06:01,021 --> 00:06:02,190
Mr. Herbert.
136
00:06:02,257 --> 00:06:03,660
How do you know Mr. Herbert?
137
00:06:03,727 --> 00:06:06,265
We're friends. Sometimes
he comes to my art shows,
138
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:07,535
and we get ice cream after.
139
00:06:07,602 --> 00:06:09,672
Let me guess,
he takes you to the park
140
00:06:09,739 --> 00:06:11,843
where the swings go really high?
141
00:06:11,910 --> 00:06:13,614
‐He does.
‐Uh‐huh.
142
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,918
That'll stop.
And the ice cream?
143
00:06:15,985 --> 00:06:17,120
Don't get used to it.
144
00:06:17,187 --> 00:06:20,460
I've seen a thousand of you.
I've outlasted them.
145
00:06:20,527 --> 00:06:21,930
I'll outlast you.
146
00:06:21,997 --> 00:06:25,336
Okay, uh, my dad left
a note for you, Mr. Griffin.
147
00:06:25,403 --> 00:06:28,510
"Griffins, build this tree house
for my son.
148
00:06:28,577 --> 00:06:30,881
"He will love it for a year,
until my housekeeper
149
00:06:30,948 --> 00:06:33,553
"moves into it, even though
it doesn't have electricity
150
00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:34,856
"or running water.
151
00:06:34,922 --> 00:06:37,494
She walked here from Guatemala.
She'll be fine."
152
00:06:37,561 --> 00:06:40,199
Let's get started, boys.
153
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,803
Aw, man, this is gonna
be more work
154
00:06:41,870 --> 00:06:44,374
than when I built that Habitat
for Sean Hannity.
155
00:06:44,441 --> 00:06:46,513
As you can see, we've
made everything white,
156
00:06:46,579 --> 00:06:47,515
like you requested.
157
00:06:47,581 --> 00:06:48,583
Here's a room to recover
158
00:06:48,650 --> 00:06:49,585
from your sodium headaches,
159
00:06:49,652 --> 00:06:50,732
and on the walls, I painted
160
00:06:50,788 --> 00:06:52,424
some of your most famous quotes.
161
00:06:52,490 --> 00:06:53,426
There's the one where
you compared
162
00:06:53,492 --> 00:06:56,065
the homosexual lifestyle
to playing in the sewer,
163
00:06:56,131 --> 00:06:58,235
and there's the one where
you defended Roy Moore.
164
00:06:58,302 --> 00:06:59,539
‐Nice.
‐Uh‐huh.
165
00:06:59,605 --> 00:07:02,077
And here's a room where you can
blame things on an immigrant.
166
00:07:02,143 --> 00:07:05,851
Hey, nothing personal,
I just peddle hate for money.
167
00:07:08,824 --> 00:07:10,761
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Blindflix,
168
00:07:10,828 --> 00:07:12,898
the streaming service
for blind people.
169
00:07:12,965 --> 00:07:15,704
I can't believe it's
the year 2034,
170
00:07:15,771 --> 00:07:18,810
Earth is uninhabitable,
and we're hurtling through space
171
00:07:18,877 --> 00:07:21,181
to find a place for humanity
to start again.
172
00:07:21,248 --> 00:07:24,922
Thankfully, we are Chris Evans
and Vanessa Hudgens,
173
00:07:24,989 --> 00:07:27,695
and have sexy bodies that will
make beautiful
174
00:07:27,762 --> 00:07:29,632
racially nuanced babies.
175
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,503
I love you, Chris Evans.
176
00:07:31,569 --> 00:07:34,007
I love you, too,
Vanessa Hudgens.
177
00:07:34,074 --> 00:07:35,944
Kiss me.
178
00:07:36,011 --> 00:07:38,082
(both moaning)
179
00:07:42,223 --> 00:07:44,562
Ah, this show is so sexy.
180
00:07:44,629 --> 00:07:46,064
How you doing, Mom?
181
00:07:46,131 --> 00:07:47,333
Do you need to go poopies?
182
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,672
Meg, please stop
asking me that.
183
00:07:49,739 --> 00:07:53,012
I'm sorry, I just‐‐
I hate being so dependent
184
00:07:53,078 --> 00:07:54,582
on other people.
185
00:07:54,649 --> 00:07:56,586
I feel helpless and worthless.
186
00:07:56,653 --> 00:08:00,661
I get it. I feel helpless
and worthless 24‐sevs.
187
00:08:00,727 --> 00:08:01,930
How do you deal with it?
188
00:08:01,996 --> 00:08:04,735
Cutting, minor arson,
and sometimes I post
189
00:08:04,802 --> 00:08:06,673
empowerment videos on YouTube.
190
00:08:06,739 --> 00:08:08,309
Empowerment videos?
191
00:08:08,375 --> 00:08:10,446
I thought YouTube went
out of business.
192
00:08:10,514 --> 00:08:12,016
Uh, what am I thinking of?
193
00:08:12,083 --> 00:08:14,020
‐Circuit City.
‐Yes.
194
00:08:14,087 --> 00:08:15,323
Here. The camera's on.
195
00:08:15,389 --> 00:08:18,429
Just getting your feelings out
will make you feel better.
196
00:08:18,496 --> 00:08:22,303
Oh, okay.
Um, hello.
197
00:08:22,370 --> 00:08:24,174
Uh, my name is Lois Griffin,
198
00:08:24,241 --> 00:08:28,115
and I... am blind.
199
00:08:28,182 --> 00:08:31,421
Uh, I went to the hospital
for a simple surgery
200
00:08:31,488 --> 00:08:33,492
and woke up in the ICU.
201
00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:36,666
But the irony was
I couldn't see you.
202
00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:39,337
I couldn't see anyone
or anything.
203
00:08:39,404 --> 00:08:40,908
Even the people closest to me
204
00:08:40,974 --> 00:08:43,647
who need to be seen
the most.
205
00:08:45,951 --> 00:08:49,357
So now I suppose
if I want to see again,
206
00:08:49,424 --> 00:08:51,428
I'll have to listen more
207
00:08:51,495 --> 00:08:54,367
and‐and feel more
and focus on
208
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:58,577
what's on the inside and not
what I can see on the outside.
209
00:08:58,643 --> 00:09:00,781
(sighs)
210
00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:05,591
Okay, that's all for now.
211
00:09:05,657 --> 00:09:08,195
Mom, that was incredible.
212
00:09:08,262 --> 00:09:09,532
You really spoke to me.
213
00:09:09,599 --> 00:09:11,970
Who‐Who's that?
Is that Lois?
214
00:09:12,036 --> 00:09:14,140
Peter, I'm the one who's blind.
215
00:09:14,207 --> 00:09:16,713
Sorry, I‐I'm still getting
used to things.
216
00:09:20,086 --> 00:09:22,558
I can't believe
Doug's dad texted me
217
00:09:22,625 --> 00:09:24,494
and said we had to come
to Doug's T‐ball game
218
00:09:24,562 --> 00:09:25,597
or he was gonna sue us.
219
00:09:25,664 --> 00:09:27,166
Looks like they got
Big League Chew.
220
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:30,139
Yeah, I saw that. I saw that
they got Big League Chew.
221
00:09:30,206 --> 00:09:33,045
Ah, the baseball field.
Good memories.
222
00:09:33,112 --> 00:09:35,817
Lost my v‐card here
with Jennifer Jason Leigh
223
00:09:35,884 --> 00:09:37,286
in that dugout right over there.
224
00:09:37,353 --> 00:09:38,523
That was Fast Times.
225
00:09:38,590 --> 00:09:41,863
Yeah, fast for her, maybe.
I took a while.
226
00:09:44,735 --> 00:09:46,471
(whistling)
227
00:09:46,539 --> 00:09:49,077
Excuse me. What happened
to your big trip
228
00:09:49,144 --> 00:09:50,413
to Providence?
229
00:09:50,479 --> 00:09:52,651
Good morning, sports fans.
230
00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:55,524
You ready to witness
the epitome of excellence?
231
00:09:55,590 --> 00:09:56,993
Check this out.
232
00:09:58,495 --> 00:10:01,068
(chuckling):
Oh. Ball one.
233
00:10:03,005 --> 00:10:04,407
(grunts)
234
00:10:06,913 --> 00:10:08,683
Look, spaz,
hold the bat like this,
235
00:10:08,750 --> 00:10:11,388
and then step into it
as you swing forward.
236
00:10:15,029 --> 00:10:17,534
I did it.
Thanks, Mr. Griffin.
237
00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:19,939
‐I'm leaving.
‐Come on, Chris.
238
00:10:20,005 --> 00:10:23,345
Don't be mad.
My plans changed.
239
00:10:23,412 --> 00:10:24,582
Oh, hey, Doug.
240
00:10:24,648 --> 00:10:26,451
CHRIS:
Are you kidding me?!
241
00:10:30,594 --> 00:10:32,664
Mom, you won't believe
what happened.
242
00:10:32,731 --> 00:10:34,568
Your video went viral.
243
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:37,206
Oh, does that mean
Circuit City's back?
244
00:10:37,273 --> 00:10:41,248
No, it means your ICU video
really connected with people.
245
00:10:41,314 --> 00:10:44,354
You're helping people
who feel unseen, Mom.
246
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:46,826
Like me.
You're everywhere.
247
00:10:46,893 --> 00:10:48,830
Okay, so what am I supposed
to do now?
248
00:10:48,897 --> 00:10:50,667
Make another video.
249
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:51,945
Hi, Lois, I didn't get
a monkey.
250
00:10:51,969 --> 00:10:53,540
Off to see Bananarama. Bye.
251
00:10:53,606 --> 00:10:55,544
♪ I'm your Venus... ♪
252
00:10:55,610 --> 00:10:58,983
Well, it's not what I thought
it was gonna be either.
253
00:11:01,823 --> 00:11:04,194
Mom, I made some ICU T‐shirts.
254
00:11:04,260 --> 00:11:07,634
What's going on?
Who are these people?
255
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:08,837
My team.
256
00:11:08,903 --> 00:11:11,174
ICU has exploded.
257
00:11:11,241 --> 00:11:13,913
There's ICU Fashion,
ICU Skincare,
258
00:11:13,980 --> 00:11:16,919
ICU Health.
It is a gold mine.
259
00:11:16,986 --> 00:11:18,826
Okay, but what does any
of this have to do with
260
00:11:18,857 --> 00:11:20,927
seeing people for
who they really are?
261
00:11:20,994 --> 00:11:22,798
Oh, pfft,
who cares about that?
262
00:11:22,865 --> 00:11:25,904
I do. ICU was an idea
I could really believe in,
263
00:11:25,971 --> 00:11:27,541
and you're ruining it.
264
00:11:27,608 --> 00:11:30,212
I'm not ruining it,
I'm expanding it.
265
00:11:30,279 --> 00:11:32,383
You know, I'm the one
who went blind, Meg.
266
00:11:32,450 --> 00:11:34,053
I'm the one who's suffering.
267
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,659
Now the least I can do is
make some money from it.
268
00:11:36,726 --> 00:11:38,095
Now stand back.
269
00:11:38,161 --> 00:11:40,466
It's time to make
another video.
270
00:11:42,403 --> 00:11:44,875
Hello, Seers, Lois here.
271
00:11:44,942 --> 00:11:48,382
You know, sometimes the darkness
gets overwhelming,
272
00:11:48,448 --> 00:11:52,691
and that's when I turn
to ICU Essential Oils.
273
00:11:52,758 --> 00:11:56,899
It calms you before sleep,
or you can cook chicken in it.
274
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:57,966
(upbeat music playing)
275
00:12:10,860 --> 00:12:12,798
Oh, my God.
276
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:16,739
I can see.
277
00:12:16,806 --> 00:12:18,275
Oh, God, but if anybody
finds out,
278
00:12:18,342 --> 00:12:20,079
it'll ruin my ICU brand.
279
00:12:20,145 --> 00:12:23,151
Ugh. Peter told me
he'd been doing laundry.
280
00:12:23,218 --> 00:12:26,224
You know, now I'm even wondering
if he lost those 75 pounds
281
00:12:26,291 --> 00:12:27,093
like he said.
282
00:12:27,159 --> 00:12:28,095
PETER:
What's that, Lois?
283
00:12:28,161 --> 00:12:29,765
I'm just on the spin bike.
284
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:31,234
Got a good sweat going.
285
00:12:31,301 --> 00:12:34,173
Boy, you're right,
Sarah loves those hills.
286
00:12:42,223 --> 00:12:44,460
Okay, here's the microphone.
287
00:12:44,528 --> 00:12:45,528
Yeah, I see it.
288
00:12:45,563 --> 00:12:48,035
I‐I mean, oh, thank you.
289
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,072
Uh, I‐is that Meg?
290
00:12:50,139 --> 00:12:52,076
Mom, what's going on with you?
291
00:12:52,143 --> 00:12:54,948
Nothing. Especially my eyesight.
292
00:12:55,015 --> 00:12:57,654
I am still very, very blind.
293
00:12:57,721 --> 00:13:00,259
Thank you all
for coming today.
294
00:13:00,325 --> 00:13:03,265
I can't see you,
because I'm blind,
295
00:13:03,331 --> 00:13:04,802
but ICU.
296
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,605
(cheering)
297
00:13:06,672 --> 00:13:09,945
Please be sure to try out
our new colonic partnership
298
00:13:10,012 --> 00:13:12,584
with increasingly irrelevant
rapper Eminem,
299
00:13:12,651 --> 00:13:13,719
the Eminenema.
300
00:13:13,786 --> 00:13:17,159
It promises to clear out
"8 Miles" of mom's spaghetti.
301
00:13:17,226 --> 00:13:20,767
It goes in slim clear
and comes out slim shady.
302
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:23,171
Thank you, I'm blind.
303
00:13:23,238 --> 00:13:25,409
(cheering)
304
00:13:30,486 --> 00:13:33,125
That was incredible, Lois.
305
00:13:33,191 --> 00:13:34,995
You're a real inspiration.
306
00:13:35,062 --> 00:13:37,399
My name is
Wanda Keptmymaidenname,
307
00:13:37,466 --> 00:13:38,836
and I work for Helen.
308
00:13:38,903 --> 00:13:43,378
(gasps)
Helen Disingenuous, the beloved daytime talk show host
309
00:13:43,445 --> 00:13:45,617
who gives millions away
to those in need
310
00:13:45,683 --> 00:13:47,286
and is still somehow loathed?
311
00:13:47,353 --> 00:13:51,361
Well, "loathed" is a little bit
exactly right, but yes.
312
00:13:51,427 --> 00:13:53,231
I'm here, Lois, because
Helen has been
313
00:13:53,298 --> 00:13:56,171
following your success and would
love to make it her own.
314
00:13:56,237 --> 00:13:58,876
Would you consider being
a guest on our show?
315
00:13:58,943 --> 00:14:01,649
Oh, my gosh, really?
That's amazing.
316
00:14:01,715 --> 00:14:03,251
So I get to go to Hollywood?
317
00:14:03,318 --> 00:14:04,988
We actually tape the show
in Burbank.
318
00:14:05,055 --> 00:14:07,761
‐Oh. What's the difference?
‐(laughs)
319
00:14:07,827 --> 00:14:09,898
That's hilarious.
320
00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:12,069
I'll have someone who makes
a lot less money than me
321
00:14:12,136 --> 00:14:13,506
set everything up.
322
00:14:13,573 --> 00:14:15,275
Meg, can you believe it?
323
00:14:15,342 --> 00:14:18,048
This is gonna take ICU global.
324
00:14:18,114 --> 00:14:21,421
I'll be more popular than
a Robert Redford clip.
325
00:14:29,504 --> 00:14:33,044
Hey, guys. My dad made you
another list.
326
00:14:33,111 --> 00:14:35,817
"Teach Doug to ride a bike,
bake cookies,
327
00:14:35,883 --> 00:14:37,419
listen to his Archer
impression."
328
00:14:37,486 --> 00:14:39,333
This is ridiculous.
We're not doing any of this.
329
00:14:39,357 --> 00:14:41,962
I don't know, I kind of want
to hear his Archer impression.
330
00:14:42,029 --> 00:14:44,033
Yeah, I'm curious.
331
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:48,074
(as Archer):
I'm an international spy, but I also do mundane things.
332
00:14:48,141 --> 00:14:50,580
Okay, all right.
That's‐that's pretty good.
333
00:14:50,647 --> 00:14:51,949
But that's it. No more.
334
00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:54,988
Then I guess my dad
will just have to sue you.
335
00:14:55,055 --> 00:14:56,825
You know what?
Go ahead and sue us.
336
00:14:56,892 --> 00:14:57,627
I mean, look at this guy.
337
00:14:57,694 --> 00:14:59,054
What do you think
you're gonna get?
338
00:14:59,096 --> 00:14:59,531
We came here in his dog's car.
339
00:14:59,598 --> 00:15:02,971
But we had a deal.
340
00:15:03,038 --> 00:15:05,810
Well, the deal's off.
I'll call your dad myself.
341
00:15:05,877 --> 00:15:08,048
No, don't.
342
00:15:08,114 --> 00:15:10,052
‐(phone ringing)
‐What the...?
343
00:15:13,959 --> 00:15:16,865
It was you making us do
all that stuff.
344
00:15:16,932 --> 00:15:18,468
You made fools of us, Doug!
345
00:15:18,536 --> 00:15:19,337
Get him.
346
00:15:19,403 --> 00:15:21,942
‐(Chris grunting)
‐(Brian barking)
347
00:15:22,009 --> 00:15:23,378
Dad, help.
348
00:15:23,445 --> 00:15:26,150
I'm not Dad.
I'm Pete the Pirate.
349
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:27,787
God, I already told you.
350
00:15:27,854 --> 00:15:29,156
Why did you do it?
351
00:15:29,223 --> 00:15:31,060
Why did you make us
do all that stuff
352
00:15:31,127 --> 00:15:34,166
For this. I did it for this.
353
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:36,237
What? What do you mean?
354
00:15:37,439 --> 00:15:40,847
(sighs)
I don't have a dog or a brother.
355
00:15:40,913 --> 00:15:43,084
Or even a father, really.
356
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:47,059
But these past few days
I felt like I've had all that.
357
00:15:47,126 --> 00:15:49,731
I'm sorry, but I didn't know
any other way
358
00:15:49,798 --> 00:15:51,769
to get you
to spend time with me.
359
00:15:51,835 --> 00:15:54,373
Doug, there you are.
Thank God!
360
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:56,612
♪
361
00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:03,726
Hey, I got your message
about the miscarriage.
362
00:16:03,793 --> 00:16:05,730
So, Saturday night?
363
00:16:05,797 --> 00:16:06,999
What a dick.
364
00:16:07,065 --> 00:16:09,470
You know what?
I'm gonna go poop in his shoes.
365
00:16:09,538 --> 00:16:11,474
You'd do that for me?
366
00:16:11,542 --> 00:16:13,478
Sure I will, buddy.
367
00:16:13,546 --> 00:16:16,685
Hang on, Brian.
I got one in the chamber.
368
00:16:16,752 --> 00:16:19,991
‐I'll join you.
‐Thanks, guys.
369
00:16:20,058 --> 00:16:21,528
I guess that just leaves us.
370
00:16:21,595 --> 00:16:24,266
Look, I think you're
a total garbage person.
371
00:16:24,333 --> 00:16:26,404
‐Same.
‐And being nice to you goes against
372
00:16:26,471 --> 00:16:28,475
‐everything I stand for.
‐Same.
373
00:16:28,542 --> 00:16:30,382
Okay, don't be the person
who just says "same,"
374
00:16:30,412 --> 00:16:31,682
like it's a real response.
375
00:16:31,748 --> 00:16:34,286
You know what, let's just hate
each other in public
376
00:16:34,353 --> 00:16:37,259
and maybe not hate each other
as much in private.
377
00:16:37,326 --> 00:16:39,029
Like George
and Kellyanne Conway?
378
00:16:39,096 --> 00:16:41,568
What is up with those two?
379
00:16:44,373 --> 00:16:47,714
Ah, this is really gonna put
ICU over the top, Meg.
380
00:16:47,780 --> 00:16:49,283
I am gonna be rich.
381
00:16:49,350 --> 00:16:52,590
Now, which one is better,
the blue or the green?
382
00:16:52,657 --> 00:16:55,195
Wait, how do you know
what colors they are?
383
00:16:56,532 --> 00:17:00,038
(gasps)
Mom, you can see? I knew it.
384
00:17:00,105 --> 00:17:03,879
Okay, fine.
Yes, I can see.
385
00:17:03,946 --> 00:17:06,818
I can't believe
you've been lying. Why?
386
00:17:06,885 --> 00:17:09,023
Don't you get it?
I have to be blind
387
00:17:09,089 --> 00:17:10,249
to keep the money rolling in.
388
00:17:10,292 --> 00:17:14,066
Nobody's gonna be inspired
by a middle‐aged, cisgendered,
389
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:17,139
‐able‐bodied white woman.
‐Or man.
390
00:17:17,205 --> 00:17:18,685
Now, you keep
your mouth shut, or I will...
391
00:17:18,709 --> 00:17:19,778
Knock knock.
392
00:17:19,844 --> 00:17:22,349
Helen, is that you?
393
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,488
Oh, I'm so blind.
(nervous chuckle)
394
00:17:26,858 --> 00:17:30,365
I just wanted to say hello,
welcome you to the show.
395
00:17:30,432 --> 00:17:32,336
Have you been to Burbank before?
396
00:17:32,402 --> 00:17:35,275
‐Never.
‐Oh, well, while you're waiting,
397
00:17:35,342 --> 00:17:37,145
check out this video I made
398
00:17:37,212 --> 00:17:39,618
for the Burbank Tourism
Association.
399
00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:42,356
HELEN (narrating):
Welcome to beautiful Burbank, California,
400
00:17:42,422 --> 00:17:44,561
home of more year‐round
Halloween stores
401
00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:46,397
than any other city
in the world.
402
00:17:46,464 --> 00:17:48,902
Do you like Jack in the Box?
Then you're in luck.
403
00:17:48,969 --> 00:17:50,305
We've got six of them.
404
00:17:50,372 --> 00:17:52,109
If you've ever wanted
to visit a place
405
00:17:52,175 --> 00:17:54,213
where you can hear the freeway
from literally
406
00:17:54,279 --> 00:17:56,818
every spot in town,
then Burbank is for you.
407
00:17:56,885 --> 00:17:59,390
Want to do drugs
in an empty swimming pool
408
00:17:59,456 --> 00:18:00,860
with a couch in it?
409
00:18:00,926 --> 00:18:03,264
Want to see what you imagine
an affluent neighborhood
410
00:18:03,331 --> 00:18:04,701
in Honduras looks like?
411
00:18:04,768 --> 00:18:07,072
You can do all of that
and so much more
412
00:18:07,139 --> 00:18:09,343
in Burbank.
413
00:18:11,347 --> 00:18:13,552
(cheers and applause)
414
00:18:15,155 --> 00:18:18,729
We're here with Lois Griffin,
founder of ICU
415
00:18:18,796 --> 00:18:22,369
and an inspiration to millions
of easily persuadable women.
416
00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:26,110
So, Lois, I understand,
in addition to everything else,
417
00:18:26,177 --> 00:18:28,916
you've started
the ICU Foundation.
418
00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:30,185
That's right, Helen.
419
00:18:30,251 --> 00:18:31,988
You know, you haven't
really made it until
420
00:18:32,055 --> 00:18:33,491
you're able to convince
rich people
421
00:18:33,559 --> 00:18:35,930
to give you money
for a nebulous and undefined
422
00:18:35,996 --> 00:18:37,432
important cause.
423
00:18:37,499 --> 00:18:40,238
And what will your foundation
focus on?
424
00:18:40,305 --> 00:18:44,781
Women's issues.
And the environment.
425
00:18:48,287 --> 00:18:51,895
‐Refugees.
‐(applause)
426
00:18:51,962 --> 00:18:53,464
Well, we support you,
427
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:55,836
so we've got a surprise for you.
428
00:18:55,903 --> 00:18:58,976
♪
429
00:18:59,042 --> 00:19:01,180
Oh, my God.
Reese Witherspoon?!
430
00:19:01,247 --> 00:19:02,617
I love her.
431
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:03,719
(all gasp)
432
00:19:03,786 --> 00:19:07,927
Lois, how did you know
it was Reese Witherspoon
433
00:19:07,994 --> 00:19:09,329
‐if you can't see?
‐Ah.
434
00:19:09,396 --> 00:19:13,171
Um, that's‐that's just,
um, what I say
435
00:19:13,237 --> 00:19:16,277
when I'm excited.
Reese Witherspoon!
436
00:19:16,343 --> 00:19:18,649
Lois, are you actually blind?
437
00:19:18,715 --> 00:19:22,422
Yes. I mean...
438
00:19:30,104 --> 00:19:32,342
No.
439
00:19:32,409 --> 00:19:34,714
I was blind
when I started ICU,
440
00:19:34,781 --> 00:19:37,452
but I got my sight back
a few days ago.
441
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,593
I just wanted to make
a difference and, you know,
442
00:19:40,659 --> 00:19:44,032
maybe get money
from sympathetic strangers.
443
00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:45,603
I'm sorry.
444
00:19:45,669 --> 00:19:48,976
Hey, y'all, can I put
this big ole check down?
445
00:19:49,042 --> 00:19:50,613
My arms ain't but small sticks.
446
00:19:50,679 --> 00:19:54,186
Oh, shut up, Reese Witherspoon,
you big phony.
447
00:19:54,253 --> 00:19:55,956
There's no way you've read
all those books
448
00:19:56,023 --> 00:19:57,627
you slap your sticker on.
449
00:19:57,693 --> 00:20:00,633
Well, Lois, you've disappointed
a lot of people here today.
450
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,505
And since this is daytime TV,
you'll have to stand trial
451
00:20:03,572 --> 00:20:05,241
on a Black judge show.
452
00:20:05,308 --> 00:20:08,582
(upbeat theme music playing)
453
00:20:08,649 --> 00:20:11,253
Lois Griffin,
I find you guilty,
454
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:13,859
and I sentence you
to pay your roommate back
455
00:20:13,926 --> 00:20:15,128
for his dog food,
456
00:20:15,194 --> 00:20:17,700
or whatever dumb (bleep)
this one's about.
457
00:20:23,946 --> 00:20:26,551
Well, Lois, I'm glad
you're not blind anymore.
458
00:20:26,618 --> 00:20:29,423
Oh, me, too. I just wish
I'd handled it better.
459
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:31,193
Hey, at least you got
to go to Hollywood.
460
00:20:31,260 --> 00:20:32,897
‐Burbank.
‐What's the difference?
461
00:20:32,964 --> 00:20:34,968
Oh, boy, I'll show you.
462
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:38,407
HELEN (narrating):
Want to get your car washed by a former Nickelodeon star?
463
00:20:38,474 --> 00:20:40,345
Want to take an improv class
from an instructor
464
00:20:40,411 --> 00:20:41,915
you have to drive home after?
465
00:20:41,982 --> 00:20:43,719
You can in Burbank.
466
00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:46,858
Buy a house with a second floor
no one got permits for,
467
00:20:46,925 --> 00:20:50,331
and then watch the 98‐degree
winter nights tick by
468
00:20:50,398 --> 00:20:52,469
through rusty bars
on your windows.
469
00:20:52,536 --> 00:20:55,609
Share a duplex with
that guy from that thing.
470
00:20:55,676 --> 00:20:58,381
Pay L. A. prices
for Orlando amenities
471
00:20:58,447 --> 00:21:00,385
in Burbank.
472
00:21:00,435 --> 00:21:04,985
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