Original subtitles

- [Announcer] It's "Elvira's 40th Anniversary,

Very Scary, Very Special Special.

Especially For You", (laughs evilly)

featuring four special screenings

chosen by Elvira's cat and a guy named Jimmy,

"House on Haunted Hill", "City of the Dead",

"Messiah of Evil", and "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark".

Ready or not, here they come.

Up here, arise, arrive!

- Hello, darling. - Advance, alight.

- It's me, welcome to- - Attack!

- Okay, okay, already.

Stop, they got it.

Oh, if I had a nickel

for every time I had to tell a man shut up.

Hello, darling.

It's me, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark,

the dame who scored the cleavage award.

My cups runneth over, and you're never bored.

Oh, and welcome to my "40th Anniversary,

Very Scary, Very Special Special",

the specialist special I've ever done, especially for you.

I put the spesh in special, IRL, girl, ow!

Oh, okay.

So, get out the shackles and hang onto your broomsticks,

'cause this is a momentous, once in a lifetime occasion.

I know time flies, doesn't it?

Especially in show business,

but as unbelievable as it seems,

tonight, I am turning 40.

We're did the time to go?

Why, I don't feel a day older than undead.

Oh, look at me.

Oh, what a cutie.

Cute as a little piranha.

At that age, pageants were all we had.

You know, I had to put myself through nursery school.

Oh, and I just loved my makeup artist.

She always had a teething ring with her.

She'd still be working, too,

if it wasn't that she was abducted by those aliens.

But that's my next show,

"Elvira Undercover, Extra and Terrestrial".

(sighs) You know, I hate to sound redundant,

and if you don't know what that word means,

you're in the right place,

but this evening, I do feel special.

Or maybe that's just indigestion,

but while I was lying here,

stuffed into this torture chamber of a dress,

trying to breathe,

I realized something really special about this special,

and that's my guest stars.

We have Vincent Price, Christopher Lee,

Patricia Jessel, Jeff Conaway,

Elijah Cook, Jr., Joy Bang, and Sammy Davis, Jr.

Holla!

Now, if those names don't mean anything to you,

it's probably 'cause they're dead,

well, all except for Joy Bang.

I mean, it was just her career that bit the dust.

Ah, she's still out there somewhere,

and I like to think she is still bangin'.

And speaking of bangin', we have a bangin' beginning, baby.

We're kicking off this feast o' fear

with my very favorite movie ever,

since the night I was born 40 years ago in that stable,

just me and the drummer boy.

Ooh, and boy, was he hot, ow!

In fact, this movie's so good,

I can't imagine how we can afford it,

unless it's because we're shooting in a condemned warehouse

with no electricity and no running water,

no craft services and no fourth wall, for real.

(ghost moans)

Oh, and that one pissed off ghost

(ghost screams)

and his girlfriend

(ghost dog howls)

and their dog?

Ugh, god, they are so whiny.

It's just hard to root for 'em.

Just my two cents.

Well, in any case,

this film shows up on top 10 lists year after year.

You've seen them, "The Godfather", "Star Wars",

"Lord of the Rings", "Titanic",

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark".

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark",

starring yours cruelly.

It's the only movie in film history

to be called ahead of its time and outdated simultaneously.

Oh, and if you don't know what that word is, no biggie.

I'm not gonna use it again tonight,

but enough about the English language.

More about me and my movie.

The technical achievements of this film,

the effects, that script, the acting, the dog,

everything about this motion picture

will shock and amaze you,

and not just because it's tasteless, salacious,

offensive, and completely fabulous,

but because, with me, there's always a happy ending,

if you catch my drift.

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" came out in 1988,

just like Elton John, and also just like him,

it touched a lot of people, mostly male.

And now, ladies and Dobermans, for your consideration,

"Elvira, Mistress of the Dark".

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

- So that's what you look like.

You're ugly, horrible.

Go on, try your intellect on me.

I'll see you in hell first.

(gun fires) (woman screams)

Help! Stop!

- Let's get out of here.

Call off your troops.

- He's firing.

(wind roars)

(man groans)

- He acted like he knew it.

- He did.

He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature.

And because of it, the greatest in the universe.

There is hope, but it has to come from man itself.

- I have to go, I'm gonna eat now.

Hold on just a second.

- [Crew] Let's tie it up, baby.

- Hello, darling.

It's me again, yours cruelly, Elvira,

the gal with the enormous, uh, ratings.

Well, that's our show.

I hope you enjoyed watching it as much as I did.

(gags) Oh, boy.

I mean, could you believe that cheesy-looking monster?

Looked like Gumby on steroids.

Well, at least the movie had a moral.

- Where's the shrimp tempura?

- Tempura, you ordered it?

This is mine.

- Hey, does anybody know what that movie was about?

I'll tell you what it was about,

it was about an hour and a half too long.

Oh, and don't forget, next week,

it's the head with two things,

I mean "The Thing With Two Heads".

And until then, this is Elvira,

the gal who put the boobs back in the boob tube,

saying unpleasant dreams. (spooky music)

- [Crew] Got the news in one minute and counting.

- Very nice.

What are you going?

Hey, put me down, will ya?

- How do you expect me to fix your hair

if you keep moving around? - Idiot.

- Thanks, you guys.

- Is there anything that could possibly shame you?

- Yeah, wearing this in a public place might do it.

- Get it, girlfriend.

- We got the news and counting.

- Elvira.

- Not now, Rudy.

- Wait a sec, wait a sec.

See that guy over there?

- What, the lard bucket in the 10 gallon hat?

- Yes, that's the station new owner.

- From the edge of the sea to the end of the valley.

- You what? - Shut up!

Relax, relax.

This guy's a millionaire, okay?

Mr. Hooter, this is Elvira.

- Name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn.

Maybe you can guess why?

- Gee, I don't know.

Does it have anything to do with your breath?

- Why don't we let this little filly get herself gussied up.

The sooner I get in the saddle, the better.

- Well, I'm sorry, partner,

but it look like it's gonna be you

and your trusty old right hand.

- Sounds like you're looking to get yourself fired,

little lady.

- Go ahead and fire me.

I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror.

It just so happens I have an act opening up in Las Vegas.

- Well, terrific, you can try your act out on me.

It's milking time.

(Mr. Hooter yelps)

- That's it, I'm walking.

I don't have to take this from anybody,

and as for you, you cretinous cowpoke,

if I ever see- - She's got Hooter.

Somebody on the floor get her outta there.

- Within so much as 10 feet of me,

and I'm gonna tie your weenie in a granny knot.

(table clatters)

- But you said she was a bimbo.

- [Crew] Come on, will you?

Not the ballgame. (groans)

- You can't quit.

- What's the big deal?

As soon as my show opens in Las Vegas,

I'll never have to host

one of those crappo horror movies again.

There's no problem with the show, is there?

- Problem. (laughs)

Complications maybe, but never a problem.

- All right, out with it, Manny.

- Okay, The Flamingo won't go ahead with the show

unless you come up with some money to help finance it.

- [Elvira] How much do they want?

- $50,000.

- $50,000?

Are you nuts?

Where am I gonna come up with that kind of money?

- Maybe it's not too late to get your job back?

- Forget it, Manny.

I'm never working for that sleazeball again.

I'll just have to find another sleazeball.

(messenger knocks at door)

- [Messenger] Telegram for Miss Elvira.

- I'll take it.

- Dear Elvira, as executor of the estate of your great aunt,

Ms. Morgana Talbot, I'm sorry to inform you

of her untimely passing.

- Whoa, I didn't even know I had a good aunt,

much less a great one.

Let me see that.

It says here, all I have to do

is come to Fallwell, Massachusetts,

for the reading of the will,

and I'll pick up my inheritance.

Is that timing or what?

(Elvira sniffles)

- And lastly, to my enchanting niece, Elvira,

who has unflinchingly withstood

the slings and arrows of an imperfect world

without so much as a whimper or complaint,

I bequeath my entire fortune.

(Elvira sobs)

Let's show Elvira exactly what she's inherited.

(upbeat music)

Elvira, you are going to start

with something that dreams are made of,

a beautiful new sailboat!

You're going to sail away sporty Sunchaser 2 from Snark.

And that's not all.

When you're tired of sailing,

you'll drive home in this brand new Jeep Wrangler!

- I needed one of those.

- And you'll sit down to dinner

at this beautiful 10-piece dining room suite

from American Heritage. (Elvira screams)

And on top of all of that, money!

Lots and lots of money!

- Elvira, Elvira!

Are you all right?

- Go ahead and call The Flamingo, Manny.

Tell them I'll have that 50 grand

as soon as I get back from Massachusetts.

Las Vegas, here I come.

(upbeat rock music)

* Hey hey

* Hey hey

* Hey hey

* Hey hey

* I've been around, round and round *

* I broke it up, 'cause you shot me down, yeah *

* Oh yeah

- Hop in, sailor.

* I took a ride on your winding road *

* Told you some secrets I ain't ever told before *

* No more

* Say, if you wanna meet me halfway *

- Here, you forgot your axe.

(hitchhiker screams)

* I said once bitten, twice shy *

* I said once bitten, twice shy *

(wolf howls)

* There's a place just down the road *

* Where the little ones have fallen souls, oh yeah *

* Oh yeah

(siren blares)

* Take me to Shanghai, take me away *

* I need a rest from this crazy masquerade *

- You know you were doing 50

in a 25 mile per hour zone?

- Um, no, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it. (laughs)

I gotta get a new joke.

This one's costing me a fortune.

* I said once bitten, twice shy *

(attendant passes gas)

* I go inside and order up some chicken fried steak *

- Hey?

How about some gas?

* Chicken fried steak, oh, chicken fried steak *

* Taters and gravy and peas on a plate *

(Elvira slams door)

* Bring me two orders, don't make no mistake *

* There ain't nothin' better than chicken fried steak *

* Well, the first bite is the best bite *

* It's the one that sets me free *

* Smothered in gravy, it drips all over me *

* My teeth sink down into it

* It's more than I can take

* When I started chewing on that chicken fried steak *

* Chicken fried steak, oh, chicken fried steak *

* Taters and gravy and peas on a plate *

- You know, those things'll kill ya.

- Have a nice day!

* If there ever comes a time I get my gun and I go wrong *

* And the just says I must die

* 'Cause the jury wants me gone *

(gas station explodes)

(upbeat rock music)

* Hey, hey, hey

* Just like a cat on a hot tin roof *

* Feel I'm feminine, why can't you lose her *

* Once bitten, twice shy

* I said once bitten, twice shy *

* I said once bitten, twice shy *

(wolf howls)

(church bells ring)

(peaceful music)

(upbeat rock music)

* Say if you wanna meet me halfway *

* Too damn bad

* I said once bitten, twice shy *

* I said once bitten, twice shy *

* Come on

- I can make darn sure he doesn't get it.

I have my ways, you know.

(car hood clatters)

- [Man] Keep the kids back, honey.

- Well.

- Oh, oh.

Well, I never.

- Yeah, and you never will with them soup cans on your head.

- Listen, young lady.

I don't know who you are or where you came from,

but you most certainly don't fit in this town.

Why, you don't even fit in that dress.

- Listen, sister, if I want your opinion,

I'll beat it outta ya.

- Anita.

Anita, it's the antichrist, I tell you, the antichrist.

- Can someone tell me where there's a garage around here?

- Yeah, yeah, there's one right up the street.

- Oh, (chuckles)

well, would one of you big strong men

mind giving me a little push?

(upbeat rock music)

Easy, easy, don't scratch the paint.

- She's incredible.

- Man, what I wouldn't do

for just one peek at those gazongas.

- [Boy] They're unreal.

- Oh, great.

That means I'm stuck in this hell hole.

I mean this quaint little hell hole.

Listen, is there a motel or something around here?

- Well, there's the Cozy Cot,

down by the Widow Bishop's feed store.

Of course, her son sort of took that over

after she had that spelled a gingivitis.

Her whole mouth swole up.

It looked like she ate a box of staples.

Folks were saying she got it

from kissing that old dog of hers.

Nice tits.

(upbeat rock music)

(wolf howls)

- Yoo-hoo?

(bell rings)

Can I have a room?

- Sorry, we're booked solid.

- So how come it says vacancy out there?

- Look, we do have a room.

Remember the trucker with the bad skin

that checked out this morning?

- Ew, I hope you changed the sheets.

(striking guitar riff)

Hi.

- Is that makeup I see on your face, young lady?

- No, ma'am.

I mean, yes, ma'am.

Well, just a little.

- How many times have I told you

you're too young to wear makeup?

- Now, Mother,

I don't see the harm- - Shut up, Lesley.

- But Grandma,

all the other girls at school are wearing makeup.

- Well, if all the other girls at school jumped off a cliff,

would you jump off a cliff?

What, and you don't have that sense

that you weren't born with.

(bell rings)

- I hate to interrupt this little episode of "The Waltons",

but could I get a room?

- Okay, but it's cash up front.

I know what you pinko heavy metal weirdos do to motel rooms.

Read all about it in "The Star".

- I'll show the lady to her room.

- Oh, no, you don't.

(upbeat rock music)

- Hey, don't let 'em get you down.

I used to get the same line about makeup

from the nuns at the orphanage.

Of course, I was only eight.

Uh, I'm Elvira.

- I'm Robin.

- So, Robin, what's there to do for fun around here anyway?

- This town isn't real big on fun.

- [Elvira] Hmm.

- Well, there is one place that's open, the bowling alley.

That gets real wild on league night.

- Gee, I think I can handle it.

(upbeat rock music)

(pins clatter)

- Oh, I am so sure.

They must think we're really stupid.

They're gonna kill Spiderman with plutonium?

He's got radioactive blood.

- Oh, yeah?

Let me see that.

- Hey, man, what'd you do that for?

- Shut up.

Look at what just walked in.

- Ooh, um, Bloody Mary.

- No hard liquor served past eight o'clock.

Do you want a virgin?

- Maybe, but I'll have a couple of drinks first.

(solemn country music)

- Hey, baby, I got something to show you.

- Sorry, I left my magnifying glass at home.

- Hey, that's pretty good.

Billy, no way to talk to a lady.

So how about a blowjob?

(Travis and Billy snicker)

(beer splashes)

I bet you think that was pretty funny, don't ya?

- I enjoyed it.

- Yeah, well, you're gonna enjoy this even more.

- [Elvira] I'll cut you, man.

- [Billy] She stabbed me.

- Faked ya out.

- [Travis] Yeah, well, this ain't fake, baby,

so stand still, 'cause I'm gonna-

(punches thud)

- My name's Elvira, but you can call me tonight.

- I'm Bob, Bob Redding.

Pleased to meet you.

- Look at this mess.

Who the heck is gonna pay for it?

- It's all right, Patty, I'll take care of the damages.

- Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.

- Cheap?

Who are you callin' cheap?

What's that perfume you're wearing, catch of the day?

- Look, honey, I don't know which hole you crawled out of,

but I suggest you crawl right back in

if you know what's good for you.

- You better watch out.

You could put somebody's eyes out with them things.

(Elvira clears throat)

- Break it up. - We'd better go.

- It looks like you've got some competition, Patty.

- Charlie, trash does not compete with class.

- Right down the street at the Cozy Cot.

- Oh.

So, what brought you to Fallwell?

- My car.

(Bob laughs)

No, really, I'm here for the reading

of my great aunt Morgana's will

- Morgana Talbot, she's your aunt?

- Yeah, it came as a surprise to me, too.

- I never really knew her, but I sure admired her spunk.

She never caved in the way everybody else in this town has.

Well, I don't want to bore you with local politics.

- Go ahead, bore me.

- Okay, we've got this town council

that lives in mortal fear that somewhere,

somehow, somebody in Fallwell is having a good time.

- Oh, a bunch of real preservatives, huh?

- Oh. (chuckles)

I run the movie house.

- Oh, really?

I'm in movies, too.

Have you ever shown "I Married Satan"?

- No.

- How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?

- No.

- Uh, hmm.

- I can only play G-rated movies.

- Oh, well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies,

as long as there's lots of sex and violence.

Hey, listen, Bob, I'm only gonna be in town

for a couple of days and I can't think of anyone

who I'd rather squeeze into my agenda.

- Gee, that'd be swell.

(truck door slams)

(engine rumbles)

- Oh, Mr. Talbot.

Your sister was like a mother to me.

- She was a mother to me, too, dear.

Well, now that we've dispensed

with the obligatory display of bereavement,

you may begin the proceedings, Mr. Bigelow.

- It was Mrs. Talbot's wish to have all of her relatives

present for the reading of the will.

- All of her relatives are present,

me, myself, and I.

- Well, apparently, Mrs. Talbot has a grand niece, Elvira,

who is also one of the beneficiaries.

- That's impossible.

- Well-

- Who is this grand niece?

- Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

But then, so's my aunt.

Hey, what'd she die of?

Nothing serious, I hope.

Say, nice jacket.

Who shot the couch? (laughs)

Hey, is there a bathroom around here?

I'm telling you, that toilet over at the Cozy Cot

looks like somebody's science project.

- Who is this woman?

- This must be Mrs. Talbot's grand niece.

Elvira, this is your great aunt's brother, Vincent Talbot.

- If she was my aunt and you're her brother,

then you must be my Uncle Vinny!

- Get this woman off of me.

- Oh, and you must be Auntie Em and Uncle Remus.

Oh, there's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

- Hurry up, Bigelow, let's get on with it.

- Yeah, really.

Let's get going before somebody else dies. (laughs)

- This is the certified and only last will and testament

of the deceased, Morgana Talbot.

To my housekeeper, Mrs. Morrissey,

for years of loyalty and devotion,

I leave my silver tea service

and a cash allotment of $5,000.

- Oh, no. (sobs)

- Hey, babe, what you whining about?

You made out like a bandit.

- To Mr. Morrissey, my driver,

I leave my automobile and an allotment of $5,000.

- Whoa, dude, 10 grand just for the help?

That old gal must have really been loaded.

Oh, I mean, dear, sweet Aunt Morgana certainly was generous.

What's it say about me?

What'd I get, what'd I get, what'd I get?

- To my grand niece, Elvira.

- Come on, lay it on me, Aunt Morgana.

Big bucks, big bucks.

- I bequeath my house, my beloved poodle, Algonquin,

and my precious book of recipes.

- That's it?

A house, a dog, and a book.

- Please, if you will allow me to finish.

And finally, to my dear brother, Vincent,

I leave the rest of my estate and holdings,

of which there is none.

- Where's the cash?

Where's the furniture?

Where's Bob Eubanks?

- He wasn't mentioned.

- I don't get it, man,

boss, what's so important about a dumb recipe book?

- That dumb recipe book contains more power

than your feeble little minds can ever imagine,

and it rightfully belongs to me.

I must have that book.

- Great, just what I need, a house.

I need a house in Fallwell like I need a padded bra.

I can't live here.

I'll go crazy, I tell ya.

(man grunts)

- Crazy!

- May I offer you a ride?

- Buzz off, creep, I'm not in the mood.

Oh, it's you, Uncle Vinny.

- Yes.

Uncle Vinny.

I must apologize for my behavior in the office.

It's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.

- That's okay.

My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.

- Yes, well, as you may have surmised,

my sister and I, well,

let's just say we had our differences.

- Yeah, I guess.

You really got shafted.

Look, I'll tell you what, Uncle Vinny,

I'll share my inheritance with you.

You can have a dog.

- No, thank you.

But I would be interested in acquiring that recipe book,

you know, for sentimental reasons,

I'd be willing to pay you, say, $50.

- Hey, sure, I'll do it for 50 bucks.

- Oh.

- Vinny, you got yourself a cookbook.

That lawyer guy is taking me over to the house,

so you can pick it up there later.

- Fine, I'll see you there.

- Oh, don't forget to bring the cash. (chuckles)

- Drive.

* If one of those bottles should happen to fall *

- Oh, we're here.

- [Child] I'm coming, wait up!

- Hey, this place ain't half bad.

Bet you could get a bundle for it.

- Yes, you could, but your house is over there.

(spooky music)

- Oh, Mr. Talbot, I just wanted to thank you

for that generous donation you made to the Morality Club.

- You're quite welcome.

You know, as I always say, morals aren't cheap.

And speaking of cheap,

a little birdie told me that that Elvira woman

is related to you.

Now, not that it's any of my business,

but then, of course everything is.

- Believe me, I'm as anxious to get rid of her as you are.

- Oh, good, you know,

because someone like that comes to town,

the next thing you know,

they're teaching sex education in the schools

and they're passing out condoms to kindergartners.

You remember when those swarthy fellows-

- She won't be with us very long.

- Oh, um.

Why, uh.

Well, I know I'm needed somewhere.

Chastity Pariah can do.

Bye bye now.

(spooky music)

- Careful, some of the boards are loose.

- What a dump.

- Like I said, the house needs a little something.

- Yeah, like a wrecking ball.

(Algonquin barks)

- I think Algonquin likes you.

- Here doggy, go on.

Go chase this into the street.

I can't stand little dogs.

Boy, if my aunt wasn't dead, I kill her.

(floorboard creaks)

Sorry, Aunt Morgana.

Just kiddin'.

- Here's the rest of your inheritance,

your great aunt's recipe book.

- Oh, yeah, some inheritance.

Well, at least I'm getting 50 bucks for it.

Say, how much you think I could get for this place?

- Well, even though the house is in disrepair,

it is in a prime location.

I'd venture to say you could get 70,000.

- 70 grand?

- Maybe more, if it were fixed up.

Would you be interested in selling?

- Does the chicken have a pecker?

Course I'm interested.

(quizzical music)

Now, what am I gonna do with you?

(upbeat rock music)

(clippers whir)

That's more like it, Algonquin.

Algonquin, what a sissy name.

Let's see, what do I call ya?

I know, Gonk.

How do you like that?

(Gonk growls)

(Gonk barks)

(Vincent knocks)

Yeah, hold your horses.

(Vincent knocks)

Hi, Uncle Vinny.

You're here for the book, right?

Come on in.

Oh, can I make you a cup of tea or something?

- I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble.

- Hmm, good point.

- I can't stay very long anyway.

- Say, you wouldn't want to buy a house, would ya?

- I'm afraid not.

- I'll sell it to you really cheap.

- No, thank you.

- Vinny, they don't make houses like this anymore.

I mean, looking at detailing,

look at that craftsmanship.

What would you pay for a house like this?

Don't answer, because you not only get a house,

if you act right now,

you also get all this beautiful furniture.

Now, what would you pay?

I'm telling you it's a jewel box,

a gem, a love hutch for two.

I'd bend over backwards to make you a deal.

I'd bend over forwards.

Well, I'd on my head and eat a bug.

- No!

Just the book!

- Okay, if you're gonna get crabby about it.

(floorboard squeaks)

That's weird.

I would have sworn the book was just on that table.

- You promised me that book.

- Hey, don't get your panties in a bunch.

Didn't just walk away.

I'm sure it'll turn up.

- Yes, of course it will.

Forgive me.

(Gonk growls)

Thinks he's a pit bull.

(thunder rumbles)

(bed squeaks)

Good thing I'm not gonna be here very long.

Neighbors would never get any sleep.

(rain splatters)

- About time, doofus.

Did you bring the camera?

- What do I look like, an idiot?

- You really want me to answer that?

- Shut up, you guys.

She's gonna hear us.

- Mirror, mirror on the wall,

who's the most drop dead gorgeous one of all?

Oh, you're just saying that.

(thunder rumbles)

- [Bo] What do you see?

What do you see? - In a minute.

In a minute.

- [Bo] Oh, my fingers.

Guys, I can't see a thing. - In a minute.

(sultry music)

Whoa.

- [Bo] Hey, don't drop it.

- Ow. - Let me see.

- Awesome.

I gotcha.

- [Bo] Guys, it's my turn.

Did you get it?

(Elvira screams)

- Haven't you boys got someplace else to hang around?

- We heard you might need a little help fixing up the place.

- That's very thoughtful,

but why don't you come back when the light's better?

Okay, good night.

(boys yell)

- You blew it.

- Did you see those gazongas?

- Awesome. - I got it.

- All right, yeah! - All right.

(thunder rumbles)

(suspenseful music)

- [Morgana] Elvira.

Elvira.

Elvira.

Elvira.

(door creaks)

(Elvira screams)

- Oh, out, out, out, out.

(thunder rumbles)

(peaceful music)

- Hi, Elvira.

- Hi!

- Oh, hi, you're here.

- Richard's folks run the hardware store

and we got lots of paint.

- Oh, too bad they don't own the bank.

Uh, I'll be right down.

Let's do it.

* You know you make me wanna shout *

* Kick my heels up and shout

* Throw my hands up and shout

* Throw my head back and shout

- Hey, Elvira, we got us a couple more volunteers.

- Great, just grab a tool and start bangin'.

* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* Say you will

* Say it right now, baby

* Say you will

- Hi, Elvira.

- Hi, Robin, come on in.

* Say that you need me

* You wanna please me

* Come on now

* Come on now

- Randy, can you hand me that rag?

Randy?

- Sorry, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

* When you used to be nine years old *

- Young lady!

Robin Meeker, what in the name of tarnation

are you doing here?

You're gonna pay dearly. - Robin?

- I'm going to find out about this, young lady.

- Robin?

- [Grandma] Come over here.

When you gonna learn to do what you're told?

If you don't learn to do what you're told,

you're gonna end up on the streets.

* You know you make me wanna shout *

* Lift my head up and shout

* Throw my hands back and shout *

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, now, shout

* All right, now, shout

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, yeah, shout

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, yeah, shout

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, shout

* Come on, now, shout - Lemonade?

* Come on, yeah, shout

* Come on, now, shout

- It's fabulous.

* You know, you make me wanna shout *

(teens cheer)

* Come on, now, shout

* Come on, now

- I tell you I nearly died.

There she was, parading around in clothes

that couldn't keep a titmouse dry in a drizzle.

I mean, it was next to nothing.

- I'd say it was next to plenty.

- And she had half the teenagers in town

writhing around to that jungle music.

- And this morning,

on my regular tour of the boys' lavatory,

I confiscated this.

- Hmm.

- I'll be making the announcement this afternoon.

Henceforth, all students will be subject

to immediate expulsion if they are found

in the company of that floozy.

- Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling.

I think what Calvin is trying to say

is that this Elvira is a person of easy virtue,

a purveyor of pulchritude,

a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will.

A slimy, slithering succubus,

a concubine, a streetwalker, a tramp, a slut,

a cheap whore!

- She'll be nothing but a bad dream

just as soon as she sells that property.

An open house has already been planned for tomorrow.

- But what if she decides not to sell?

What if she decides to settle here?

- Well, if she's morally unfit,

then we have every right to do anything we can

to get her out of this town.

Are we agreed?

- Here, here. - Absolutely.

- Maybe we're not being entirely objective about this.

- Shut up, Lesley.

- Then it's unanimous.

(gavel bangs)

- Harold Glotter, Fallwell Real Estate.

- Well, I sure hope you got a buyer.

I haven't had so much as a looky-loo.

- Don't worry.

I have some wealthy investor friends

that'd buy this house in a minute,

that is, if you play your cards right?

- Oh, honey, I'd do anything to get rid of this rat trap.

- That's what I like, a motivated seller.

It's all a matter of technique.

For starters, let's try and

set the proper mood. (seductive music)

- Oh, good idea.

I mean, the less they see, the better.

- Then, it's simply a matter of getting close to the buyer.

Tell them all about the potential appreciation

and guide him through every nook and cranny,

slowly unveil everything, from the balcony to the basement,

one area at a time.

Then, when he's so enthralled he's ready to burst,

you clench the deal!

Ow!

You'll be sorry.

You'll never sell this place without me.

- Just because this house is up for grabs doesn't mean I am.

(Gonk barks)

- Ah, get this dog off!

Get back, get outta here.

(melancholy music)

(phone rings)

- "Calm down, Manny," she says.

I've got The Flamingo breathing down my neck

to cough up the dough to hold that showroom,

and you're telling me to calm down.

- I told ya, I'll come up with the money.

Heck, I was just six inches from selling this house today.

- Look, kid, you better get that money here pronto

or your through, do you hear me?

The only showroom you'll see in Vegas'll have Toyotas in it!

(Elvira sighs)

(seductive music)

- And now I understand she is out looking for a job.

(women chatter in high speed)

* And so in love as we

* And bewildered by the world we see *

- [Billy] Let's go.

* Only those in love would know *

* What a town without pity can do *

* If we stop to gaze upon a star *

* People talk about how bad we are *

- There's no book upstairs, but I found these panties.

Try one, they're edible.

* What a town without pity can do *

- Now, keep looking.

(Gonk growls)

(Gonk barks)

(door creaks)

- Excuses, excuses.

We turned the place inside out.

- Yeah, and tell him about the dog.

Well, it must have been the size of a water buffalo.

- Quiet!

Now, listen to me very carefully.

I want you to go to the courthouse

and remove all the records of the town ordinances

and bring them back to me.

Do you understand?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Then get out.

- Come on, you dummy. - I told you, I'm going.

* Oh, it isn't very pretty

* What a town without pity can do *

- Ow!

- Oh my gosh, Elvira.

I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

- Yeah, I think so.

- How's your head?

- I haven't had any complaints yet.

- Excuse me?

- Oh, I think I'll live.

Believe me,

it's not the worst thing that's happened to me today.

I've been to every place in this town

and no one will give me a job.

It's like it's a conspiracy or something.

- You know what your problem is?

Chastity Pariah.

- (gasps) Oh, I though that cleared up.

- No, Chastity Pariah.

She's the old biddy,

she's got the whole town turned against you.

- Oh, swell, so now no one'll hire me and I'm flat busted.

No, I mean I'm broke.

- I'd hire you if I could,

but I'm barely making enough money

to stay in business as it is.

- Duh, not surprised.

I mean, who wants to pay

to see some quack making duck calls?

And besides that, Bob, you got an extra E in matinee.

- No, I don't.

That's how you spell it.

- Uh, Bob, I'm in show business.

I think I know how to spell matinee.

- Well, I think it's an awfully good idea.

(Chastity gasps)

(Elvira screams)

- Oh, Bob, how can I ever repay you.

Here, let me try.

- That witch!

(tires squeal)

(ominous music)

- I guess I'd better get back to work.

Matinee's gonna start soon.

- Oh, yeah, I can see the crowds lining up now.

Bobby, baby, you are gonna go broke

showing turkeys like these.

- You got a better idea?

- It just so happens that I have some of the classic films

of all time in the trunk of my car.

As a matter of fact...

(thoughtful music)

(ominous music)

(elevator creaks)

- Hmm, I don't trust that guy.

Who has an elevator without a door?

I mean, that's just an accident waiting to happen.

But having said that,

isn't this movie the bomb?

Or sick, dope,

whatever the hell they're saying on TikTok these days?

I haven't had so much fun

since the last time I crashed a funeral.

Always a lot of laughs.

Okay, kids, guess what time it is?

That's right, it's Sack Time,

Sack Time with Elvira,

and I've got my rusty old mail sack right here,

because I still receive so many letters about this movie.

Why, there must be about a million of them in here?

Well, three.

(cat yowls)

Okay, let's see, what have we got here?

First letter.

Ooh, nice.

Dear Elvira, did your movie ever get any bad reviews?

Signed, Curious.

Well, Curious, good question,

but no, of course not.

I mean, my movie is universally adored, just like me.

Well, there may have been a handful of comments

that were not bad, per se.

More like misguided or mean-spirited

or just plain stupid.

Okay, let's see,

what, oh, here we've got this one.

Yeah, let's see.

Alrighty, who's this from?

Okay, dear Elvira, your movie sucked.

There was no character development.

Sincerely, Leonard Maltin.

Yo, Malt Balls,

better have your eyes examined,

because I am one developed character.

All right, and the final letter.

(laughs) Oh, golly, this is fun.

Dear Elvira, your movie was good.

See, some people have taste.

Okay, all the kids in my first grade class

think you are funny.

This is so cute.

XOX, Tommy.

P.S., I saw your underpants.

Gosh darn it,

those darn kids just say the darndest things, don't they?

Well, back to the action, darling,

as "Mistress of the Dark" continues.

(ominous music)

(Vincent speaks in foreign language)

- He who holds the Book of Sight

when the moon is drained of all its light

will then be ruler of the night,

master of the dark.

The lunar eclipse, Morgana,

it's less than a week away,

when the moon is drained of all its light.

(table rumbles) (Morgana screams)

There's nothing you can do.

You're dead, and I'm not.

(Vincent laughs evilly)

(teens chatter)

- Oh, there you are.

I have been looking all over for you guys.

You are not gonna believe the good news.

Yours truly is hosting a special midnight screening

at Bob's theater of one of the worst movies ever made.

I mean, it is bad.

You know, like bad as in bad,

like I'm bad, jammon, you know it.

Hey, what is this?

"The Invasion of the Body Snatchers"?

Two days ago, we were bosom buddies.

- [Robin] It's the principal.

- You're darn right, it's the principle.

Friends oughta stick together.

- No, I mean the principal, Mr. Cobb.

- He'd kill us if we went to your show,

not to mention our parents.

- Kill your parents, too?

- No, our parents would never let us stay out that late.

- Oh, I see.

Well, last thing I want to do

is get you guys in any trouble.

I mean, so what if it blows

my only chance at making a living.

I mean, that's not your problem.

And if I get so depressed,

I wind up hanging myself in the oven,

hey, those are the breaks.

And if they ever ask about me,

tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs.

I was also an incredible pair of legs.

And tell 'em, tell 'em that I never turned down a friend,

well, I never turned down a stranger, for that matter.

And tell 'em, tell 'em that when all is said and done,

I only asked that people remember me by two simple words,

any two, as long as they're simple.

(Elvira sobs)

- If we all decide to help Elvira, what can Cobb do?

- He can expel us all.

- I don't know about the rest of you, but I'll be there.

(solemn music)

- Me, too.

- You can count on me.

- We're sorry, Elvira.

We'll all come to your show.

- Great, 12 o'clock sharp, be there or be square.

- At 10:30, my old man's out.

- Mine's out, too.

(teens whisper)

(sneaky music)

(water splashes)

(fabric rips)

- Oh, that looks great.

- You really like it?

- Yeah!

- Elvira, where do you want this?

- Just right up there.

- Okay.

- What's the bucket for?

- Didn't I tell you?

Oh, it's so cool.

This is the part that I ripped off,

I mean, it was inspired by "Flash Dance".

I reach up, I pull this rope,

and my entire body is covered in gold glitter.

Couldn't you die?

- All right.

- I'm telling you, that's guaranteed standing ovulation.

(bells ding)

(ominous music)

(adventurous music)

(teens cheer)

- You're late.

- Where the guy gets pureed.

Don't worry, they're Italians.

They'll wind up making a great marinara sauce.

(teens laugh)

- Robin?

Is that you?

Man.

- This is where the heroine gets grabbed by the tomatoes.

I can't look!

(woman screams)

(teens laugh)

(Patty laughs)

- Boy, this ending's so bad,

the tomatoes oughta start throwing

rotten people at the screen.

(teens cheer)

Okay, darlings, don't move,

because the best is yet to come.

Ladies and Dobermans, it's time for the grand finale.

(upbeat music)

* Just a steel town girl on a Saturday night *

* Looking for the fight of her life *

* In the real-time world, no one sees her at all *

* They all say she's crazy

* Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart *

* Changing movement into light

* She has danced into a danger zone *

* When the dancer becomes the dance *

* It can cut you like a knife

* If the gift becomes the fire

* On the wire between will and what will be *

* She's a maniac, maniac on the floor *

* And she's dancing (Elvira gasps)

(Patty laughs)

Patty!

(teens groan)

(suspenseful music)

Oh, I have never been so humiliated in my entire life.

Just wait till I get my hands on that Patty.

I'm going to rip every single bleached blonde hair

out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs,

and use her head for a bowling ball.

I'm telling you, they are not gonna get away with it.

That barf bag Chastity blacklisted me out of a job,

and that sleazoid of a high school principal

turning all the kids against me.

And that bench-sniffing real estate letch

trying to get his commission in the sack.

I'll get even with every one of them

if it's the last thing I do.

(ominous music)

- What's that perfume you're wearing?

- Super unleaded.

Don't smoke.

Well, here's to my big opening.

(Robin giggles) I mean, forget it.

Don't you kids think it's past your bedtime?

- Oh, heck no.

I'm not tired, ouch.

- It is getting awfully late.

- Yeah, we'd better be going.

- Yep, well, see you dudes tomorrow.

("The Star Spangled Banner")

(curious music)

(Bob breathes heavily)

Ow!

There's the darn recipe book.

How'd it get under there?

- (gasps) That reminds me, I'm starving.

- Me, too.

- Uh, let's go get something to eat.

There's an all night truck stop out on the interstate.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Bob.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you set the table

while I see what I can whip up in the kitchen.

My aunt sure had lousy penmanship.

I can't read a word of this stuff.

It looks like it was written

in some kind of foreign language or something.

Hey, wait, look at this.

Adraka Kozerol.

Kozerol, oh, casserole.

Hmm, that sounds good.

Okay, let's see, what does it say here?

One edrazeba.

Hmm?

Wonder where's she keeps the edrazeba around here.

(curious music)

Wow, this is some spice rack.

Tramazol.

Folemgra.

Kuderox.

Oh, here it is, edrezeba.

One edrezeba.

Okay, one half folemgra.

Whoa, looks like folemgra went bad.

I don't know, it says it's good until June of next year.

What the heck, I got a cast-iron stomach.

Okay, then, let's see.

Two to three guletra, guletra.

Uh, let's see, one kuderox.

Kuderox, where could it be?

(mixture bubbles)

Mm, doesn't smell too bad,

but it looks like caca-doodoo.

(Elvira hums)

(chips crunch)

There, that's much better.

It's soup!

- Mm, smells great.

What is it?

- Oh, just a little something I conjured up.

- Oh.

Allow me.

- Thank you ever so.

Well, I hope you're hungry,

'cause here's dinner!

(creature snarls)

(Elvira and Bob scream)

(ominous music)

(creature snarls)

The switch, Bob, the switch!

(disposal whirs)

First time I was ever an appetizer for the main course.

- Where'd you learn how to cook?

- I didn't.

I just followed the directions in my aunt's,

Gonk, what are you doing?

Give me that cookbook!

Gonk, Gonk?

Gonk, you get back here right now

or you are grounded for one week.

Gonk!

- [Bob] Gonk, come here.

- (gasps) Deja vu.

(ominous music)

- Wow.

- Gonk?

Gonk, are you in here?

(Gonk barks)

Gonk, you are a very bad, bad dog.

Oh, yuck, you slobbered all over it.

(Gonk barks)

Now what do you want?

(Gonk scratches)

- I think he wants you to open the trunk.

- Why didn't you just say so?

Wow, look at all this cool junk.

This could be you, Gonk.

(Gonk growls)

Eww, think I used to go out with this guy.

- Take a look at this.

- Think it's for me?

- Go ahead, open it.

- You open it.

- Dearest, Elvira,

for all these years, I protected you from the truth,

but the time has now come

when your only protection is the truth.

- Say what?

Let me see this.

Your mother, Devana, was an extraordinary woman.

She was the true mistress of the dark,

but her power did not go unchallenged.

- [Morgana] For 300 years, your great uncle, Vincent,

coveted her dominion.

- 300?

God, I hope I look that good when I'm that old.

- [Morgana] He would have destroyed you as he did her,

had I not sent you away.

I left you with all the power

you would need to protect yourself

and entrusted you to my loyal familiar.

- What's that about a familiar?

- Ah, haven't you ever seen any old Roger Corman movies?

Every witch has one.

They're like a,

like a pet that can change into almost anything.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, but it wasn't you alone that I sought to protect,

it was the book that contained your mother's magic.

- [Morgana] Our enemy is a formidable one.

Protect the book, Elvira,

and above all, keep it from Vincent.

When the moon falls under the earth's shadow,

remember, you carry the power with you.

Your loving aunt, Morgana.

- Too macabre.

I mean, like, I knew I was different,

but I didn't think I was quite that different.

No wonder Vinny had such a spaz attack

when I couldn't find the book.

- Yeah, and you heard what your aunt said,

he can't get his hands on it.

- No way he's getting it now.

And here I am,

knocking myself out to make a living as a horror hostess,

when I'm actually descended from, like,

a major metaphysical celebrity.

(pages rustle)

All I have to do is just find the right spell

and I can make the money I need for Vegas.

I mean really make the money.

- I don't think you should go fooling with that book again.

- Wait, wait, look, Bob.

Here it is,

Selzba Riki Moola.

That's exactly what I need, lots of moolah.

Okay, okay Selzba Riki Moola Sheen.

- Elvira, I don't think- - Pasera floctum kezrah flome.

(house rattles)

It's working, Bob!

It's working!

Bob, are you still here?

- [Bob] Right here.

- What is this?

Oh, why, Bob.

You know, Bob, I may be wrong,

but I think that might've been a love spell.

- [Bob] Really?

- Oh, Bob, Bob. (moans)

(Elvira screams) (suspenseful music)

Hold me, Bob, hold me.

(lazy brass band music)

- Stand up.

- Chastity, the picnic's a great success.

- Yes, I think it's something we can all be proud of me for.

(crowd applauds)

Come and get it!

Now, you children, you're acting wild animals.

Get to the end of the line.

It all looks so good.

I can't remember when I've been this hungry.

Ooh, Melody, I see you've made your famous Tic Tac pie.

- (squeals) Bob, what are you doing?

You scared the hell out of me.

- What's going on?

- Let's just say I'm settling the score.

- [Bob] Oh, no.

- Well, it is a potluck,

and believe me, when they open that pot,

they're going to need all the luck they can get.

- Oh, I don't believe I've had any of this.

- Revenge is better than Christmas.

(dramatic music)

I don't get it, what happened.

- Looks like some sort of casserole?

Mm, this is marvelous.

I must get this recipe.

- Oh shoot, must have screwed it up

when I substituted that folemgra

with some Hamburger Helper.

- Oh, yes, thank you for my drink.

There. (sighs)

(peaceful music)

(Chastity giggles)

I feel a little odd.

Suddenly, it's very warm.

(seductive music)

* I put a spell on you

- Remind you of anything?

- Remind you of anything?

* Oh, I know you, I know

- Give me that, that's mine.

All mine.

(spoon scrapes)

* I'm yours now

* I put a spell on you - Oh, boy.

Am I a horn dog?

* Because you're mine

- Excuse me, is this face taken.

(Elvira gasps)

(upbeat jazz music)

- Come on, stud, let's boogie.

- Bob!

- Hey, Lesley, let's mambo.

- Charge!

- That's an interesting dish.

Where did you learn how to make it?

- Oh, it's just an old family recipe.

- All right, I'll give you $500 for the book.

- What, do I look like I just fell off the tuna truck?

The deal's off, Uncle.

- You think you're pretty clever, don't you?

Well, mark my words.

I'll get you and your little dog, too.

- Ugh.

- Help.

- No!

Oh, you again.

Do you always wear the same dress?

- No, sometimes I like to wear something low-cut and sexy.

- Well, I guess in your business, it pays to advertise.

(Elvira squeals)

Come here, Bob.

Let me show you how a real woman does it.

- Excuse me.

(punch thuds)

(Bob laughs)

(striking guitar riff)

- You all saw him.

He attacked me in broad daylight

and he had his way with me.

- Me?

I barely got away with my life.

You could have worn out a mechanical bull.

- Ooh, you're not gonna get away with this,

you sex-addled maniac.

I demand that the council remove this pervert.

- I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.

- Calvin was the one

who was painting everybody with apple butter.

I was just an innocent on-licker.

(council argues)

- Silence!

- Don't you see?

You're all playing right into her hand.

It's Elvira who is responsible for all this.

- Of course.

I should've known it was that little harlot.

- We oughta ride her outta town on a big fat rail.

- She might enjoy that too much.

- There is a more satisfactory solution.

(ominous music)

We can have her arrested.

- Arrested, on what charges?

- It's so happens that there is a law on the books

that dates back to the Salem trials.

It's specifically forbids, and I quote,

any towns person from practicing

the ancient arts of spellcasting, demonology,

alchemy, and conjuration.

The charge, my fellow council members,

is witchcraft.

(can clangs)

- Let me outta here, let me outta here!

- Pipe down in there.

- Hey, I've seen "The People's Court".

I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.

- Well, there's the payphone right across the street.

What's the matter,

you forget where you put your broom?

- Listen, fatso, if I had a broom,

I know exactly where I'd put it.

Oh, this is swell.

I can just hear Manny now.

Hello Vegas, we got a slight crimp

in the plans for the show.

Yeah, the star was burned at the stake.

- Elvira!

Great news, I got you the best lawyer in the county.

He'll be here first thing in the morning.

- Bob, in the morning?

First thing in the morning,

I'll be able to fit in an ashtray.

You gotta get me outta here.

- But how?

- The book, it's my only chance.

Quick, run of the house and get it.

- Okay.

- Oh, and Bob, wait!

- What?

- I hid it under the floorboard in the living room.

- Okay.

- Oh, and Bob!

- What?

- Hurry!

(suspenseful music)

- Hey, move.

Duck down low.

(townspeople chatter)

(saw buzzes)

Now.

(saw buzzes)

What are you whining about?

I'm the one getting barbecued.

(Gonk barks)

(ominous music)

Oh, sorry.

(Gonk growls)

(Bob taps floorboards)

(suspenseful music)

- At last, it's mine.

The power is mine!

(upbeat rock music)

- Come on, don't have a conniption fit.

Whoa, must have took too much antacid in the sixties.

- [Townspeople] Two, four, six, eight,

who do we incinerate?

Elvira, Elvira, Elvira!

(saw buzzes)

- Thank goodness, padre.

- I am here to save you, my child.

- At last, someone that can talk some sense

into these people.

- Lord, save this wretched creature's soul,

even though her creamy, white flesh will burn and sizzle.

(ceiling clatters)

- Well, isn't that convenient?

- Thanks for trying, you guys.

- [Robin] Elvira!

(upbeat rock music)

- Gonk?

Is that you, boy?

(Gonk barks)

Good work, Gonk.

- [Townspeople] Burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch!

- Do you smoke?

- Guess we'll find out soon enough.

- [Townspeople] Burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch.

- [Chaplain] The flames that will soon engulf her!

- Oh, no, you're not gonna believe this.

I left my oven on.

I'll just be a minute.

- [Townspeople] Burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch.

- Any last words?

- Just one, help!

- [Townspeople] Burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch.

- Hold it.

Hold it down.

Quiet, quiet!

And now, by the power vested in me

by the sovereign state of Massachusetts,

I do hereby pronounce sentence on Elvira, the prisoner,

death by fire.

(suspenseful music)

- Hold it, Sheriff.

What you're doing is wrong.

- Patty?

- It'll catch faster if you light it in several places.

- Patty, no!

- We oughta have one of these every year.

- Burn in hell, witch!

- Patty!

(townspeople cheer)

- [Townspeople] Burn the witch, burn the witch,

burn the witch, burn the witch, burn the witch.

- [Elvira] Somebody, help!

- Burn her!

- Bye, kids.

It's been swell.

Just send my ashes to Las Vegas.

- Let me through!

Elvira!

- Hi, Bob.

- Patty, you're not a very nice person.

- [Townspeople] Burn the witch, burn the witch!

(Gonk barks)

- Gonk?

- [Morgana] Remember, you carry the power with you.

- The ring.

(thunder rumbles)

(crowd yells)

- Are you all right?

(romantic music)

- Look, the lunar eclipse.

Remember, your aunt's letter?

When the moon falls under the earth's shadow.

- Yeah, so?

- Vincent's got the book.

(ominous music)

(thunder rumbles)

- Elvira!

Elvira!

- Oh, you tricky little devil!

- Oh!

Vincent, remember us?

We're on your side.

- Swine.

- Stay back.

(Bob grunts)

- Sick 'im, Gonk!

(Gonk growls)

(Vincent growls)

(Gonk whimpers)

Don't make me use this.

- (laughs) The amulet could not protect your mother,

and it won't save you.

Kaldozar ipsole.

(bricks shatter)

- Ah, so you want to play rough, hey?

Well, take this.

What?

(suspenseful music)

- You cannot escape me, daughter of Devana.

I shall destroy you as I did her.

(gun cocks)

(sultry guitar riff)

- You looking for me?

(gun fires)

- Did you think you could stop me with your toys?

- No, but I figured it'd be worth a shot.

Look!

(Vincent laughs evilly)

(thunder rumbles)

- Cosa terra obtan!

- Sure, that's easy for you to say.

(shoe whips)

(Vincent groans)

(magic crackles)

(lock shatters)

- That hurts!

(thunder rumbles)

- Now, baby.

Hey, we have a little unfinished business.

- Yeah, well, I think we can do business.

Yeah, sure, I can dig it.

I'm cool, bro.

You know what it is?

Where it's at?

- I'll show you where it's at.

(Travis screams)

(wall shatters) (suspenseful music)

(Vincent yells)

- I am master of the dark!

- And I'll see you in hell first.

(fire crackles)

(floorboard smacks)

(Vincent groans)

- And now, Elvira, you die.

(Vincent yells)

- [Morgana] Remember, you carry the power with you.

(somber music)

- So, what did the insurance guy say?

- My policy doesn't cover acts of demons.

- Well, at least you still got the ring.

- Yeah, but the only thing

I can get it to do anymore is look cheap.

- Gosh, Elvira, I'm sorry.

I know you had your heart set on playing Las Vegas.

- I'm just not the kind of girl whose dreams come true.

I do better on nightmares.

- I wish there was something I could do.

- Yeah, don't worry about me, Bob.

I'm like fake fruit, I don't bruise that easy.

- [Man] There he is, up there.

(townspeople chatter)

- Uh-oh, here comes the lynch mob.

Hey, take it easy, take it easy, I'm leaving.

- We don't want you to go.

- This is our way of saying we were wrong about you

and we're sorry.

- Elvira, you're the best thing

that ever happened to our town.

- You've touched a part of my son

that nobody's ever touched before.

- I wish. (townspeople laugh)

- As long as you're in Fallwell,

you will always have a free room at the Cozy Cot.

- Now, wait just a minute, Lesley.

- Shut up, you old bag.

(townspeople laugh)

(horn blows)

- Birds of a feather!

- Well, I finally got it running.

- Great!

At least now, I'll have a place to live,

but I still don't know how I'm gonna pay ya for it.

- Don't worry, we'll work out something.

- Elvira.

I'm sorry that I set you on fire and everything,

and I hope there are no hard feelings.

- Don't worry, she's bigger than that.

- Yeah, a lot bigger.

- Elvira, I've got some important papers

that you're gonna have to sign.

With your uncle gone, you're the only heir to his estate.

- I am?

- Not an inconsiderable one at that.

- Las Vegas!

- Elvira, that's fantastic.

- Las Vegas!

Las Vegas!

Las Vegas!

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

The Flamingo Hotel is proud to present

the Mistress of the Dark, Elvira.

* I've always dreamed of doing this *

* And now I've got my chance

* So excuse me while I indulge myself *

* In a little song and dance

* Well, if you're looking for trouble *

* Here I am

* And if you wanna see double

* Here I am

* I don't do what the good girls do *

* Bad dreams really do come true *

* Here I am

* I'm a bitch in black, so you'd better stand back *

* You might get motion sickness or a heart attack *

* I can really rap up with the swelling in your pocket *

* Make your eyeballs drop right out of their socket *

* I'm rough, I'm tough, I'm woman enough *

* So get ready, I'm gonna do my stuff *

* I can take, I can shake it

* I can cook it, I can bake it

* If I don't have the recipe, I'll fake it *

* I'm a volcano that's ready to blow *

* Look out, y'all, 'cause here I go *

(crowd cheers)

(tassel whirs)

(Gonk barks)

(Bob cheers)

For me?

Unpleasant dreams.

(upbeat rock music)

(sniffles) Oh, that movie gets me every time.

It is just such a timeless classic,

just like "Wizard of Oz".

And when you think about it,

those two stories are exactly the same,

minus the flying monkeys.

Innocent girl from out of town

shows up with her yappy little dog,

makes some likely friends,

triumphs over evil and twirls tassels.

Oh wait, Dorothy, didn't twirl tassels, did she?

Well, anyway, remember what Dorothy said she learned in Oz?

That if she ever went looking for her heart's desire,

she wouldn't look any further than her own backyard,

because if it wasn't there, she never lost it to begin with.

Well watching "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark" just now,

I had the same sort of epiphany.

You're gonna have to look that one up, bucko.

And it taught me some valuable lessons.

I learned that friendship is like cheese.

The longer it sits around, the stronger it gets,

and that friends are like cheap toupees,

you've gotta hang on to them when things get stormy.

But most of all, I learned that you can search

and search the wide world over, but in the end,

your own backyard is

right behind your house.

Okay, darling, stay glued.

There's lots more chills, spills, and thrills

coming right up on "Elvira's 40th Anniversary,

Very Scary, Very Special Special".

- [Announcer] Coming up, Elvira checks out

"House on Haunted Hill".

You don't want to miss it. (laughs evilly)