Original subtitles

Marie?

Good morning, Crumb & Crumb Detective Agency. Please hold.

Yes, he'll be with you in just a minute.

Mr. and Mrs. Downing?

- P.J. - How are you, Eliot?

Helen.

You okay?

We still haven't heard anything.

Well, it only happened yesterday.

The kidnappers are probably as scared as you are.

I don't care what they want. I'll pay anything.

You've alerted the police.

Detective Casey's good, very good.

- We want you. - Look...

...she's your daughter.

I can understand your wanting to rely on a private investigator...

...but I simply don't have anyone who can give it the kind of attention it needs.

It's not what I want to hear, Eliot.

There is one possibility.

- Harry Crumb. - Who's Harry Crumb?

He is one of them.

First, there was Augustus Crumb, who founded the agency.

And then there was his son, Lionel Crumb...

...perhaps the most brilliant detective of his time.

It was Lionel, God rest his soul, who entrusted me with the day-to-day...

- ...operations of Crumb & Crumb. - What about Harry Crumb?

He's Lionel's only offspring. Pure genius.

He's been on special assignment in the Midwest.

I have to pull some strings, but I may be able to convince him.

He's the last in a long line of great detectives.

He's good, huh?

Oh, he's better than good. He's a Crumb.

Damn.

Think, think, think.

Yeah. Now I've got you.

Help. Help.

Oh, yeah? If you're not cheating on me, whose socks are these?

I've never seen those before.

I get the feeling every time I walk out that door...

...someone's gonna come in here and take my place.

Sleep in my bed and sit in my chair.

Harry Crumb.

It's for you.

Hi. How you doing?

It's nice to see you. Nice people, very nice people.

- Morning, Harry. - Morning, Georgie.

- Any calls yesterday? - No, Harry.

- How about today? - Nope.

But you do have a noon appointment with Mrs. MacIntyre.

- Are the photos back? - On your desk.

- Satin finish? - Glossies.

- Damn. Noon appointment, huh? - That's right.

Hold all my calls.

"One who engages in love affairs frivolously or casually."

One who engages in love affairs frivolously or casually.

Yes?

- Yes. Hello? Yes? Yeah? Yes. - It's Mrs. MacIntyre!

Thank you.

- Send her in. - Okay, Harry!

Mrs. MacIntyre.

Well, did you or didn't you get the pictures?

Did I get these pictures?

The tough part is not getting the pictures.

The tough part is what you see...

...what you learn about people.

Sad things.

Is that tree diseased?

- What are you talking about? - There is, Mr. Crumb...

...a lot of money riding on this divorce.

Now, are you gonna show me those pictures or not?

There's some weird things going on in these pictures.

Sick things.

That husband of yours...

...he's quite the philodendron.

- Just give me those pictures. - Sure.

You idiot.

These pictures are of me.

What?

Let me see those.

Not so fast.

I've had my eye on you for a while, lady.

I knew you were up to something. Now here's my proof.

It was you having an affair with your husband.

- What? - I've uncovered some low schemes...

...but hiring me to take pornographic pictures...

...of you and your husband is as low as it gets.

I don't believe this.

Well, believe what you want, but don't believe it here.

You are a poor excuse for a human being.

Says you.

Next.

Boy.

- Crumb & Crumb, serving greater Tulsa. - Crumb there?

- Yes, he is. Who, may I ask, is calling? - It's Eliot calling.

One moment, please. It's the home office.

Yes. Yes.

- Cherry? - No fruit, thank you.

Coke?

No, thank you.

Mix them together, you got a Cherry Coke.

A Cherry Coke.

Thanks.

What the hell are you doing, you big idiot? Open your eyes!

I see you've been redecorating.

Well, it's been 10 years, Mr. Crumb.

I guess a lot's changed.

Yes and no.

Would you like a mint? Got them from the bus station.

They're very good.

No, thanks.

Well, I'll show you to your office, Mr. Crumb.

Good.

- Mr. Crumb? - Yes?

Mr. Crumb?

Okay, I'm coming.

Mr. Crumb, are you there?

Mr. Crumb?

- Yes? - Mr. Draisen will see you now.

Exactly.

I really don't think you'll run into any trouble.

Just wanted a second opinion.

- Yes? - It's Harry Crumb.

- Oh, send him in. - Crumb?

- You mean... - That's right, the Harry Crumb.

By the shine of your suit, the cut of your shoes...

...and the look in your eye, you must be Eliot Draisen.

No, I'm Draisen.

Master of disguises, eh?

Good, very good.

Actually, this is Jeffrey Brandt. He's one of our top men.

Exactly.

Eliot tells me you share my love of languages.

Why don't you just check in with me later, Jeff?

I'll bring Crumb up to speed on the Downing case.

Crumb, do you know what that is?

- An egg? - Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, what kind of egg?

- Bird egg? - No. No. No. It's a pterodactyl egg.

It's fossilised.

It's 90 million years old.

In the entire world, only two of these have ever been found.

You know, that may be worth something.

- That thought had crossed my mind. - We think a lot alike.

I like a man who thinks like me.

Did you bring your copy of the Downing file?

No need to. I've committed it to memory.

At 10:45, on the morning of June 11, it was discovered...

...that Jennifer Downing was abducted from Room 3 at Suki's...

...1225 North Rodeo Drive.

Her assailant chloroformed Ms. Downing's attendant...

...one Marie Cannell, and it's suspected, did the same to Ms. Downing.

A laundry cart was found in the rear parking lot.

Traces of chloroform were present.

This, no doubt, was their means of escape.

Still one thing puzzles me.

There was not one single mention of the stolen jewels.

There aren't any jewels. This is a kidnapping.

Just kidding.

I gotta go.

- Hello? - How's our girl?

Oh, she's nice, Mr. D, real nice.

I had to tell you one thing, Dwayne. We're in better shape than we thought.

Yeah?

- That guy Crumb I told you about? - Yeah?

I was right. The man's a complete and utter idiot.

This is excellent.

This is just plain old-fashioned excellent.

Would you mind taking your free hand off the doorbell?

Sorry. Bit of an accident.

- You Crumb? - You know who I am.

That's right. Your cover's blown.

- My dad's upstairs. - So you'd have me believe...

...you're P.J. Downing's daughter, huh?

Impossible.

I happen to know that P.J. Downing's daughter...

...was kidnapped not more than 72 hours ago.

I'm Nikki, the other daughter.

Of course you are. It's just that I was told...

...that P.J. Downing's daughter was a beautiful young woman...

...so I momentarily mistook her for you.

What a schmooze.

Yes, it is Jennifer Downing I'm here to find.

And find her...

...I will.

You get paid for this?

- Usually, yeah. - Mr. Crumb...

...so nice to meet you.

- And you must be... - Helen Downing.

And then some.

Off to play tennis again?

As you can imagine, these are trying times.

We do what we can to get through them.

But we don't have to enjoy it.

Kids.

Bitch.

I think it's time I see your father now.

Hey, Dad!

Mr. Downing?

Harry Crumb. It's nice to...

Oh, please, sit down. Continue what you're doing.

Thank you.

Ordinarily, this is one of my great pleasures.

Today, it's just a way to keep my mind off Jennifer.

A sad situation. Kidnappings always are.

But they are less sad to me...

...because I have yet to meet a kidnapper I could not outwit.

Eliot Draisen says you're the best.

Indeed. He sounds like a smart man.

I'd like to meet him someday.

Didn't he send you here?

Exactly.

- Isn't that a marabou muddler? - Why, yes, it is.

- Are you a fly-fisherman? - Fishing is my life.

There's a feeling between man and fish...

...a bond...

...an intimate connection between fish and fisherman.

A special understanding.

You know, the whole fish-man thing.

I was thinking this morning about the kidnappers.

About how much more respect...

...a sportsman has for his quarry.

Exactly.

I'd do anything to get her back.

Money means nothing, Mr. Crumb, when it comes to your own child.

Yes, I met Nikki on the way in.

Nikki? Oh, yes, she's wonderful, but Jennifer was my first little girl.

- Nice fish. - Thank you.

Very big.

And what have we here? Well....

A real beauty.

You certainly know your bamboo.

Bamboo is my business.

And it's my business to know what no one else wants to know.

That is the very business I'm in.

- You all right, Mr. Crumb? - Yes, I'm fine.

The girl's mother, how is she holding up?

Oh, she's their stepmother, actually.

We married a couple of years ago in a moment of weakness, perhaps.

She's an attractive woman...

...a very attractive woman, but to tell you the truth, Mr. Crumb...

...she and the girls have never been that close.

- You know how it is. - Yes.

I know the score of that game: 40-Love.

- Excuse me? - I was just thinking, Mr. Downing...

...I must become more familiar with these kidnappers.

I must understand them.

I must think like them.

I must go to the scene of the crime.

- Good day to you, sir. - Good day.

We'll see you then. Bye-bye.

I'm sorry. What did you say your name was?

I am Deszu Djizlas.

- Could you spell that please? - I don't think so. Try it with a D.

- You're from New York? - No, I work in New York.

- I am from Budapest. - Oh, Hungary.

No, thank you. I had a falafel before I got here.

I'm sorry, that's not what I meant.

- Mr. D... - Djizlas.

- I'm Dennis Kimball. - Dennis Kimball.

Yes. I just heard this morning you were coming.

Yes. Well, I'm here.

- This is our vice president of operations. - Quality control.

Yes, something that's very important to us here.

So you say.

Move it, Kimball. Come on. Move, move, move, Dennis.

So, what have we here?

Too tight.

Too loose.

Too foofy.

- You don't like what you see? - Only I am the judge of that.

- Of course. - Of course.

The full-body mud pack is one of our most popular treatments.

It tightens the pores and rejuvenates the dermis.

Indulge me. I will be you.

You will be the intruder. Show to me exactly how it happened, please.

Well, he must've been standing here, just in back of me.

And you were applying the mud like so.

He didn't make a sound.

- And you were leaning over like this: - Yes, that's correct.

And suddenly he leapt out at me.

So it was not as easy as you said.

But you knew what I was doing. And you... That's funny.

You look different somehow.

Maybe your eyes are playing tricks on me.

Playing tricks on me.

So you always give Miss Downing her mud pack?

- Well, no, it was her first time. - Oh, really? Really, huh?

Like she doesn't have a regular weekly appointment...

...is that what you're saying?

No, that was her mother, Helen, it was Mrs. Downing's regular time.

Of course.

She had given to her daughter her regular appointment.

I guess she did.

So one could say that Mrs. Downing knew precisely...

...where her daughter would be that day.

A sneaky player.

Very good. Very good. Okay.

- They won't really kill her, will they? - Of course not.

That's why Mr. Crumb's here.

God.

Great.

I'll see you later.

Helen should know about this.

Tim. Do you know where Mrs. Downing is?

Well, what happens if I do?

That's all right. I'll find her.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, Eliot. She's probably down by the stables.

Yes, thank you, Eliot.

Good man.

What do you think, Harry?

One size fits all. Who are they kidding?

- Would you mind? - No, of course not.

Detective Casey. I'd like you to meet Harry Crumb.

- I know you by reputation. - My reputation precedes me.

Otherwise, I'd be late for all my appointments.

Harry Crumb.

You know, Mr. Downing...

...I have a lot of experience in these matters...

...and over the years, I've developed a theory about private detectives.

They're slime, and without exception...

...they are lazy, stupid, cowardly, arrogant...

...and thoroughly incompetent.

It's just a theory.

There it is.

And make sure the lab has the number here...

...in case they come up with anything.

You can have your lab inspect this note as much as you want...

...but they may never discover what I already know.

And what is that, Mr. Crumb?

You find that crazy typewriter, and you'll have your kidnappers.

The ransom note arrived.

They want 10 million.

My God.

They'll suck him dry.

He wants to see you.

- Helen. Listen, I know you're not happy. - Eliot?

- Oh, my God. Really? Stop it. - I can make you happy. You know me.

You make me sick.

- Haven't changed since night school. - I loved you then, and I still do.

I'll tell you what, Eliot.

Back then, dinner and a movie might've gotten you into some girl's panties...

...but it's going to take a lot more than that to get into mine.

What do you want?

Don't you know, Eliot?

Money.

Lots of money.

I'm working on it.

You see, P.J., I believe that there's the criminal body...

...and the criminal mind.

Each are separate from each other in that the criminal body...

...although it's a criminal, doesn't know exactly what it's doing...

...will commit the crime, unwittingly, if you will.

The criminal mind knows exactly what it's doing.

A mind that is brazen, yet cowardly.

Nimble, yet clumsy. Cunning, yet naive.

- Zealous... - Would you get to the point?

You first.

It makes me wonder if the criminal mind is actually human at all.

I believe that there's a reason mankind has been lifted...

...beyond the level of the animals.

Human nature is man's greatest triumph...

...but also the source of his undoing.

We all aspire to our noblest instincts...

...and yet, all too often, we indulge our basest desires.

Just like those animals that took our Jennifer.

Yes. They're animals all right.

But have no fear.

The kidnappers will not harm your daughter...

...not while I'm nipping at their heels.

Do you think that these people imagine...

...that they are going to get what they want?

I wonder if it's ever occurred to Mr. Crumb...

...that there may be things going on of which he is totally...

...perhaps blissfully, unaware.

Unfortunately, people don't always do what we expect them to.

Not criminals. Not anyone.

Mr. Draisen.

I don't know what you thought...

...but I would hope you could keep things on a professional level.

- What? - Please. These things...

...can be so easily misinterpreted.

I think this is a good time for coffee.

Oh, great. Now I suppose everyone will want some.

Oh, jeez, I hope that wasn't as old as it looked.

Sorry.

Hello, Nikki.

You mind if I look around?

Thank you.

It's no wonder they took her, huh?

Do you know that when she was 14 years old...

...she was so skinny that she had everybody worried.

She looked like a newt.

And now, I mean, just look at her.

She's perfect.

Perfect?

Gee, I don't know. I mean, look at the size of her head.

She must be enormous.

Be easy to find...

...because she's huge.

- Lecithin. - Lecithin.

Scrod oil.

Crumb.

Scrod oil?

Improves slow-twitch muscle response.

I always thought pancakes were good for that.

Jennifer taught me how to make this.

She tells me that's what gives her that amazing figure.

Your mileage may vary.

You know, it would appear your mother is...

- She's not my mother. - Okay.

All she wants is Dad's money. Money and sex. She's a nympho, you know.

- Nympho. - She's gotta have it constantly.

Four or five times a day.

Nympho. Nympho. Nym...

- Nympho. - That's why she's going out...

...with that scumball, Vince.

What a sleaze.

It would appear that your stepmother presents something of a puzzle to me.

And I thought maybe you'd like to lend a hand.

- Like what, spying? - No, not like spying.

More like perception or observation or...

- Like spying. - Like spying, yes.

I just wish they would've kidnapped the old cow instead.

Well, the truth is, Nikki, the kidnappers had a very good reason...

- ...not to take your stepmother. - What's that?

One cannot kidnap oneself.

I wish we could hear what they were saying.

No need to hear. I've been trained in the art of reading lips.

Every word they say, I see.

Goddamn it, Vince, I am suffering here.

It's taken me two years to get him to write me into the will.

We spend six months coming up with a plan to kill him...

...and what's it come to? Kidnappers are gonna walk away with the whole thing.

- Don't get so creamed. - If we don't kill him now...

...he is gonna pay those bastards every penny they want.

There'll be nothing left. The house, the cars, the stocks.

That's my money.

Our money.

Look, we can get into his car whenever you want.

You wanna do it tonight, we'll do it tonight, okay?

Tonight?

Well, did they do it or not?

They're the kidnappers all right. We've got them right where we want them.

What do you mean? We have no idea where they're keeping Jennifer.

One thing we can be thankful for is...

...that they assigned that idiot Crumb to the case.

You don't think he suspects anything, do you?

No, I think he suspects he has a dick, but he'd need a road map to find it.

Well, I don't mean to be boastful...

...but they're discussing my prowess as a private dick.

Crumb!

Crumb, are you okay?

Don't worry, Nikki. I've got a firm grip.

Everything will be just fine.

Crumb!

Kid, where you going?

No. No.

Hey.

I thought you said you could do this with your eyes closed.

- Shit. - What now?

I just paid 34.50 for this shirt, and that's with my pro-shop discount.

Vincent, I hate it when you talk cheap.

Is that it?

No brakes at all?

Better. Pressure's good for regular driving, but once they hit the hills:

No more Freddy the Fisherman.

You bet.

Stop.

I like you dirty.

Yeah.

Say something sexy, you animal.

Gotta check in with the mister.

He cares about you almost as much as I do.

- Hello? - How we doing, boss man?

Fine. Getting along with your house guest?

Oh, yeah.

She's a little shy, but I can tell she likes me.

You'll get your chance.

Control yourself till the cheque's in the mail, so to speak.

- Damn it, Draisen, you said... - Dwayne, you'll get what you want...

...when I get what I want, understood?

- All right, I'll put my magic on hold. - Sorry, sorry.

Yeah. Just stay there till Dobson gets there. Right.

I have identified the kidnapper.

- Do tell. - Brace yourself, Eliot.

You may find this very hard to believe...

...but the kidnapper is none other than...

...Helen Downing.

That does come as a surprise to me.

I thought it would.

But that is why you hired me in the first place, isn't it?

You're right about that.

You wanna hear some more?

Helen Downing is having an affair.

She what?

She's doing the bad thing with Vince Barnes...

...that two-bit country-club Romeo.

Our little Helen is not only a kidnapper...

...she's a slut.

I thought you'd find that funny.

Oh, God. From now on, I'm gonna keep a close eye...

...on our Mrs. Downing and that strapping stud of hers.

You really are incredible, Crumb.

I mean, just the way that you handle yourself.

God forbid anything dangerous should happen.

Dangerous?

Dangerous? Eliot, I've got a black belt in aikido and the boots to match.

Touchdown.

We'll be taking the canyon drive today, Mr. Downing?

Yes, I can't stand this waiting around, Henry, sitting in the house.

I thought, perhaps, a drive alone might help.

Let's go. I think it'd be better if I'm not here.

Nice car.

I don't believe it.

A 1936 supercharged Auburn 851 Speedster...

...with Lycoming double overhead cams, and in cherry condition.

You're certainly a font of knowledge, Mr. Crumb.

I'm fond of many things, Mr. Downing.

And one of them is keeping an eye on my quarry.

I can just see him now, hanging on to that wheel...

...listening to Mozart, heading down that canyon.

He's gonna die a happy man.

The whole trick to tailing a suspect is anticipation.

Anticipation, perseverance and inconspicuousness.

You make this stuff up as you go along?

Not at all. I've been so thoroughly trained...

...I don't even have to think before I speak.

So tell me, what's it like, I mean, you know, being a great detective and all?

Well, my modesty prohibits me saying.

However, I can tell you what it's like coming from a long line of detectives.

It was a very, very, very...

...big pain in the butt, that's what it was.

- Oh, same old family crap, huh? - Yeah. You know, Nikki...

...I'm not like those other Crumbs.

I'm my own Crumb. You know what I mean?

But it's different with Jennifer.

I mean, she's so good at everything, and she's so beautiful.

Not that I'm jealous or anything.

Perhaps Jennifer should be the jealous one.

I have this feeling.

- You mean that he's dead? - Do you think so?

To tell you the truth...

...there's a way in which you and I are very much alike.

We're both travelling through life...

...in a car with no brakes.

Crumb.

Oh, no.

No.

Hey, watch it!

- My God. - It's Crumb.

- For chrissake, can't you lose him? - This guy's on me like glue.

Hey, what happened to inconspicuous?

Not now, my little health shake.

He's good, really good.

Can't you control this thing?

Let's see. "Runaway vehicle. Step number one: Remain calm.

Step number two: Feather the brakes with a light pumping motion."

That makes sense.

- Holy shit, that was dangerous. - Danger?

Danger's my middle name.

I'm sure of it, Nikki. It was no accident.

The brakes on your father's car were deliberately tampered with.

The one thing that puzzles me is how the kidnappers knew...

...that I would be driving P.J.'s car.

That Vince Barnes, he's craftier than I thought.

Oh, come on, Harry, he's an idiot.

A book cover is only skin-deep.

Sometimes you have to read every word to get the whole picture.

I think it's time we paid Mr. Vince Barnes a little visit.

Mr. Crumb, I have news.

My mechanic says the brake fluid was deliberately drained.

Harry already figured that out, Dad.

The kidnappers have made one fatal mistake.

- What's that, Mr. Crumb? - They're making me mad.

Dad, we're gonna set up a surveillance operation.

I'm sure Mr. Crumb doesn't need you interfering with his work.

On the contrary, P.J., Nikki's been invaluable to me.

I'm sure she means to be helpful, but...

No "buts" about it. Nikki has given me information...

...I couldn't have gotten on my own. You shouldn't underestimate her.

Yes. Well, I'll take that into consideration.

You're an insightful man, Mr. Crumb. A man of many talents.

It's a burden, yes, but one that I can live with.

Oh, there we are. There we are right here.

Good, good, good. Vince Barnes. Vince Barnes.

Vince Barnes, number nine. Good, good, good.

Very good. That is very good to know.

Very good. Oh, no.

Right, right. Combination, combination.

That's it. Left, right, left, right.

Come on, throw him, throw him, throw him.

Oh, boy. A thousand apologies for my face hitting your fisticuffs, sahib.

- Who are you? - I am Vijay. Vijay from Bombay.

Bombay Air Conditioning.

Let me present you with my card.

When the going gets hot, the hot get air conditioning.

- It's a cute slogan, wouldn't you say? - Beat it.

Perhaps later. Now I will fix your air conditioning.

- Now listen, Tonto. - Tonto?

I don't know if you speak American, but I'm just gonna say this once:

Nobody told me nothing about no air-conditioning repair.

I don't know anything about that. But what I do know is this:

That the people of this building are very, very hot right now.

They are sweaty and disgusting.

They are all blaming you.

- Me? - Oh, yes.

I've even heard them say they're talking about your dismissal.

Well, what are you standing around for? Get.

- Come on, get your butt up there. - All right, I'm moving.

I still don't understand why Crumb was in that car.

- P.J. should've been dead by now. - Shut up.

Just think of another way to kill him and pour me a drink.

I got it. Look, Vince's apartment is right here...

...and the ventilator shaft runs right alongside of it.

Right.

- Hello? - Hello, Mr. Barnes.

- Yeah? - You're late.

- What? - Tennis lesson.

- You mean right now? - That's right. I'm waiting.

Okay.

Who was that?

- It's the club. I got a lesson. - Now?

Hey, babe, I'll be back in an hour.

Just like a doctor, always on call.

God help us.

How you doing, Harry?

The things I do for money.

Okay, listen, you're almost there. About another 15 feet up on your left.

It's not too far.

That's easy for you to say.

What's the matter, big boy? Just couldn't stay away?

Eliot.

What the hell are you doing here?

I might ask you the same thing.

Classy.

- You can't just barge in here. - Better me than your husband.

Number 9. I'm here.

Damn. The vent's too high. I can barely see.

This is very low, blackmailing me for sexual favours.

But what the hell. Just give me a minute.

Hell, in our own hacienda.

With servants?

Servants and seascapes and champagne wishes.

And caviar dreams.

With my brains and your brown eyes, we're going places. Big places.

We'll get the loot, go to the airport. Got tickets booked under a false name.

- There's no coming back. - This is great.

They're giving away everything.

Yeah, it's like taking candy from a baby.

- But what about the girl? - Forget the girl.

We don't need her anymore. Not where we're going.

- You mean... - That's right, baby. Buenos Aires.

- Buenos Aires. - Buenos Aires, is it?

- Great. - You sure you can handle it?

I can handle it. I can handle anything.

Helen? Helen?

If I were rich, would you think differently of me?

What kind of girl do you think I am?

Of course I would.

Good.

Hold me. Touch me. Kiss me, you mad fool.

You make me feel like a woman again.

What is going on in there?

I don't know. Sounds like things are getting mushy.

- Stop. Stop. - What?

- It's too hot. - What?

Turn on the air conditioner. It's too hot.

I can't wait, my darling.

I get the feeling like there ain't nobody in this crazy, mixed-up world...

...who can stop us now. No one.

It's just dribbling out.

It's a little nippy in here.

- What kind of cheap place is this? - Well, it's happening right now.

Eliot. It's probably just clogged. Just put it on exhaust.

What a piece of junk.

What the...?

Stick him. Move. That's it. Up, down, up...

All right. My lucky day.

Move. Sucker punch. Sucker punch!

More coins!

All right, come on. Come to Daddy.

Come on. Jackpot!

And Kelly is the winner at 1:29 in the 11th round.

Tom "The Maniac" Kelly....

Shit.

Vince, you are not listening. They want the money on Friday.

- Friday. - This Friday.

I can buy us a little time, but we have to kill him this weekend.

Helen, you don't understand.

If they don't get their money on Friday, they might kill her.

Don't be such a putz, Vince.

You make an omelette, you break a few eggs.

Just be there tonight, you big hunk of meat.

Eliot, I have something to show you.

- You do? - Yes.

As a result of my clandestine photo operation...

...I have photographic prints showing Helen Downing...

...and Vince Barnes in the midst of their humping activity.

- And you want me to see them? - Of course.

I'm always interested in your professional opinion.

Say, is that a dog?

Why don't we just discuss this in your office?

As you wish.

Come on in, Eliot. Make yourself to home.

I took these yesterday. I had the lab put a rush on them.

Go ahead. Have a look-see.

You were photographing Vince Barnes' apartment yesterday?

Exactly.

You haven't looked at these, have you?

No. I was there.

I mean, you'd think an athletic guy like Vince Barnes...

...would have a big dingus, you know?

But no, take a look at that pathetic little...

...fallacy.

You don't know anything about this kidnapping.

Quite the contrary, Eliot.

The kidnappers are so unnerved by my presence...

...they've had to change their plans midstream.

What are you talking about?

See for yourself.

They had to push back the ransom drop from Friday till Monday.

- No, no. This is wrong. - No, it's perfect.

Perfect.

I believe, Eliot...

...in fact, I know, that at this very moment...

...the kidnappers are in pain, mental torment...

...trying to figure out my next move.

There's only one thing I don't know, Eliot.

What this lever does.

I don't know. Maybe it's a brake.

Come on, Eliot. What kind of stationary bike has a brake?

You know, Eliot, you were right.

That was a brake.

Go figure, huh?

All there.

All there.

- One short. - Oh, please.

I hope you're not actually paying this clown for his so-called services.

"So-called"? See for yourself, butch.

Ninety-five, 96, 97, 98....

- Ninety-nine. - Amazing.

Tim.

All right.

Right on time. Eliot.

- Hello. - This is Jennifer.

They want the money today.

- Today instead of Monday? - That's right.

Put the money in a suitcase and go to the racetrack at noon...

...then wait by the phone next to the jockeys' entrance.

And no police...

...or they'll kill me.

Okay, Jennifer. Just relax. Everything's gonna be fi...

Jennifer? Jennifer?

Jennifer.

- Too short to get a trace. - Exactly.

Very nice.

I'd say you got at least a fifty-fifty chance of living.

And good news...

...we're going to the airport.

As long as we keep track of the money...

...we know where the kidnappers are.

This gives us a range of up to three miles.

There is no way they'll be aware of police presence.

Sounds peachy.

Mr. Crumb?

Sounds okay to me.

As long as the police stay completely out of sight...

...and out of my way.

When this is all over, Crumb...

...I'm gonna rip your heart out and eat it for breakfast.

Take a number.

- Hello? - Vince.

- Yeah, babe. - We've got a problem.

Hello, Susie? My name is Angel.

I'm a friend of Miguel.

- Hello? - Crumb?

- Yes? - Give the money to Draisen.

Pardon?

Give the money to Eliot Draisen.

- Who? - Eliot Draisen.

- Eliot Draisen? - Give him the money.

You want me to give the money to Eliot Draisen?

Hello? Hello? Kidnapper?

I can barely here you. Hello, man.

Speak up, for God's sake.

Use your voice. Hello?

We have a faulty connection. I'm on a jockey phone.

- I'm on the phone. - Crumb.

- Eliot? - I'm on the phone with the kidnappers.

I guess I'm supposed to take it from here.

So, yeah, just help me, okay?

That's my pants. All right.

- Hold there. Wait a minute. - Crumb.

- Yeah? - Breathe in.

Eliot.

Bye, Harry Crumb.

- What now? - Who said that?

It's Nikki. I thought you might need me.

- What do we do now? - Now we sit tight.

There's no point in following their path, because we know where they're going.

The flight to Buenos Aires doesn't leave till 4:00.

We've got all the time in the world.

And I think we're gonna need it. I think I'm stuck.

I know I'm stuck.

Let's go.

Shit. What the hell was that?

- You're losing him. - He's right there.

Will you let me handle it? We gotta get the money...

- ...before the kidnappers do. - Vin, just get it.

What do you think he's doing?

Do I look like Mr. Frigging Wizard?

He's doing whatever the hell the kidnappers told him to do.

You idiot.

One, two, three.

Now announcing the arrival of Flight 50 from New York...

...arriving at Gate 88.

Now announcing the arrival of Flight 50 from New York...

...arriving at Gate 88.

I hate being poor.

Well, we've still got each other, babe.

- Yeah? - Hello. Helen?

Who is this?

What the hell do you want, Eliot?

You what?

You kidnapped her?

Buenos Aires?

Well, of course I'm coming. I'm out the door, you cute little man.

This jacket's too tight. It was those motel dry cleaners, they shrunk it.

Yeah, right. Says you.

Eliot?

Helen.

Is that the money?

Ten million?

You know, Eliot, I have a little confession of my own to make.

What?

I'm the one who changed the ransom note.

You?

Well, I've been trying to kill P.J. You know, for his money.

I guess we're just two of a kind.

We're made for each other.

You shouldn't talk so loud on the phone, Helen.

Give me the suitcase, pal. Nice and slow.

Final boarding call for Flight 736 to Reno.

Thank God you're here. I've been so worried.

Can you believe this man almost got away with our money?

I don't know, Helen. I don't think I can trust you anymore.

Oh, Vincent.

Vinny.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

No! No!

In there.

I don't think you'll be needing those.

Hit it.

The bag, the bag.

- Flight 212 to Buenos Aires, Gate 17. - Right.

Step back please, sir.

Flight 212 to Buenos Aires is now boarding.

Flight 212 to Buenos Aires now boarding Gate 17.

Should be getting a call any minute now.

You gonna miss me?

Metal plate in my head.

I forgot. It's a scooter accident when I was a kid.

Metal plate.

It doesn't hurt.

All right.

Come on.

Nikki! Nikki! Take it down, Nikki! Take it down!

I can't get this thing down!

Nikki, turn!

Crumb, are you okay?

Of course I'm okay!

Nik! Nikki!

We're currently number three for takeoff.

We'll be receiving takeoff clearance momentarily.

You there! Pilot!

- Stop! - We'll be cruising at 32,000 feet.

What the fuck is that?

Nikki. Nikki. Nikki, turn!

Who is that?

Crumb. Harry Crumb.

And I hereby charge these two miscreants...

...with the kidnapping of one Jennifer Downing.

You must be crazy, Crumb.

Crazy? Crazy like a fox.

I must warn you, Vince Barnes, I have a black belt in aikido.

For chrissake, just shoot him.

And the boots to match.

Thank you, Mr. Crumb. Nikki says we owe everything to you.

Oh, please. I had a good partner.

Didn't I tell you he was a schmooze?

If it's all right, Miss Downing, we'd like to ask you...

- ...a few more questions. - Sure. Whatever.

Hey.

Well, well, well. Detective Casey. What about your theory now?

What can I say, Mr. Crumb?

What can you say? I'll tell you what you can say.

- You can say that you're a... - Harry.

It's just a thought, that's all, a theory.

Don't make a sound.

Eliot.

Don't think I didn't know what was going on in your mind.

You didn't think I could figure it out, did you, Eliot?

You didn't think I was up to the challenge.

Now you understand.

Now you know how good I really am.

Yup. Now you know the folly of your ways.

Maybe now, in front of these two gentlemen...

...you'll finally be man enough to give credit...

...where credit is due.

What do you say to that, Eliot Draisen?

All right, you imbecile, I confess. I did it!

I kidnapped her! I was behind the whole thing!

I don't know how you figured it out with that witless brain of yours...

...but I would rather rot in jail for the rest of my life...

...rather than listen to one more idiotic word!

Book him.

I'm forever in your debt, Harry.

I don't know how I can ever repay you.

You kind words are enough, P.J., not to mention this enormous cheque.

You earned it, Harry. You've given me back my daughter.

Both my daughters.

Harry, are you sure you won't come with us to Hawaii?

You'd look great in a grass skirt.

Thanks, Nikki, but a president must be on call 24 hours a day.

Okay.

- Goodbye, Crumb. - Goodbye, Nikki.

- P.J. - Remember, lunch, soon as I get back.

You got it. Have a safe trip.

- Okay. - Say hi to Don Ho for me.

Excuse me, Mr. Crumb. These escrow papers are ready for your signature.

Not quite. Call the bank, we wanna refinance at 8 percent.

I need to set a date for the stockholders meeting.

Set it for the 12th.

These are you drapes for the boardroom, Mr. Crumb.

- No. Go with Venetian blinds. - Like I suggested in the first place.

Not now. Not now. That's enough. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Harry! San Francisco's calling on line two!

All right.

- Hello? - Mr. Crumb?

- Hey. - Harry Crumb?

Yes. Yes, this is Crumb.

- You ever been to San Francisco? - Yes, I've been to San Francisco.

- The Bottoms Up Club? - The Bottoms Up Club?

- Yes, I've heard of that club. That's... - You've been here?

- No, I've never been there. - There's been a murder.

- A murder? - Yes. Can you come?

- Yes. - Right away?

- Yes. Consider me there. - Good.

Good luck, Harry.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna need it.

Looks like this one could get a little rough.