All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S12E01.HDTV.KILLERS.en

Previously on
The Big Bang Theory...

Can you believe our little lamb
is finally getting married?

He can't believe it.

And neither can I.

(laughing)
Hi, Dad. How you doing?

(voice breaking): Then by
the power vested in me...

by
EvenYouCanPerformWeddings.com...

...I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(crowd cheering)

Good morning, wife.

(chuckles)

Good morning, husband.

I can't believe
we're actually married.

It's official.
According to tradition,

we should hang
the bedsheets outside

so the villagers can see
that we consummated.

I don't think that
that's appropriate,

considering where we're
starting our honeymoon.

Well, I suppose you're right.

Although,
when you think about it,

Lego is the perfect metaphor
for marital congress.

Two pieces that interlock
with a satisfying snap.

Oh, that's the sound
you were making.

Oh, I almost forgot.

While you were sleeping,
I ordered room service.

Really?

Voilà!

You thought it was going
to be food, didn't you?

♪ The Big Bang Theory 12x01 ♪
The Conjugal Configuration
Original Air D

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Is it nice having Sheldon and
Amy away on their honeymoon?

Yeah, because now Leonard and
I get all this alone time.

But you're not alone.
We're here.

Yes. (sighs)
Yes, you are.

BERNADETTE: Would you like us to leave so
you and Leonard can talk about

all the things
you have in common?

LEONARD: Ha, ha, she
called your bluff.

KOOTHRAPPALI: So, something
pretty cool happened.

Channel 3 asked me to be
on the news tomorrow night

to talk about
the meteor shower.

- Oh, that's great. - Hey!
- Congratulations.

You know, that's how Neil
deGrasse Tyson got his start.

He went from the
Hayden Planetarium

to guesting on
the local news

to ruining everyone's
favorite movies on the Internet.

KOOTHRAPPALI:
Now it's happening to me.

Ooh, I should probably
make a list

of all the scientific
inaccuracies in Mamma Mia 2.

You're gonna go on live TV and
admit you've seen that movie?

Hey, your husband's
the one who took me.

Meryl Streep and Cher?
Yeah, I saw it.

(loud noise)

Sounds like
someone's in there.

My God, what if Sheldon
and Amy are getting robbed?

Or worse, what if
they're back early?

They're not; they
just posted a picture

in front of the
Statue of Liberty.

- Real or Lego?
-Lego.

So, what should we do?
Should someone go check it out?

I would, but I got to
be on TV tomorrow.

Got to protect the money.

Oh, yeah, someone's
definitely in there.

Okay, let's go into
our apartment.

We'll lock the door,
we'll call the pol...

Hello?! Anyone in there?!

- Yes?
- Oh, uh, Mr. Fowler.

Sorry, we didn't
know you were here.

We-we actually thought someone
was breaking in. (chuckles)

And we were ready
to take them down.

Amy asked me
to water her plants.

She doesn't have
any plants.

Oh.

Well, you caught me
in a lie.

Have a good day.

That was weird, right?

Was it?
I-I honestly can't tell anymore.

Hey, did you even see
Mamma Mia 1?

Didn't need to.
The sequel stands on its own.

Here you go.

If you need any recommendations
while visiting New York,

please don't hesitate
to contact me.

Well, it is our honeymoon.

So we are going
to be quite busy.

Got it.

Harry Potter play,
parts one and two.

And tomorrow,
a tour of the sites

where Nikola Tesla lived,
worked and slowly went crazy.

And, of course, coitus.

Ah.

Well, enjoy New York.
And, I guess, coitus.

Really, Sheldon?

You want to do it again?

Don't act surprised.

It's clearly marked
on the schedule.

Now,

shall we steam the wrinkles
out of our wizard robes,

or make vigorous,
socially sanctioned love?

Either way, I can check
something off my to-do list.

Socially sanc-- Oh, wow.
Yeah, there it is right there.

Uh, hurry.
Raj is on next.

All right. I can't believe
they canceled Vampire Diaries

but they'll show this.

This is the news.

And that was a woman torn
between two hunky vampires.

What is your point?

(pounding on door across hall)

MRS. FOWLER:
Larry? I know you're in there!

Is that Amy's mom?

MRS. FOWLER:
Let me in.

(shouting):
Let me in!

Either that or the Big Bad Wolf.

Larry?

Mrs. Fowler,
are you okay?

Oh, I'm okay. It's my husband
you should worry about.

Oh, we do.

(knocks)

Larry, come on.

I don't think he's in there.

I mean, he came by to water
the imaginary plants,

but then he left.

You are so naive.

Blondie here is gonna
chew you up and spit you out.

Well, don't tell him.

Come on, you have an extra key.
Open it up.

All right,
but I'm telling you

he's not in there.

There. See?

Oh, he's in here.

I can smell his Axe body spray.

He wears Axe body spray.

You happy? You smell
like Amy's dad.

- Larry?
- Ooh, come on.

Ah, shouldn't we mind
our own business?

Wow, sometimes it's like
you don't know me at all.

See, he's not here.

You don't know him
like I do.

To be fair, we don't
know either of you.

Satisfied?

Oh, yeah, now I smell him.

Man, that is one
hot weather girl.

How come if I say that
I get in trouble?

You want to say it?
You can say it.

Nice try.

You're gonna have to find
some other way

to not have sex
with me tonight.

And it's not weather girl,
it's weather woman.

(scoffs)

And with us today
to talk about

the upcoming meteor shower and
the best places to view it,

Caltech astrophysicist
Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali.

- Thank you for being here.
- Thank you for having me.

I guess Neil deGrasse Tyson
was unavailable.

(laughs)
Yeah.

What do you mean, "yeah"?

Not important.

So, what can we expect
to see from

this meteor shower?

Well, I think you can count
on a lot of flaming gas,

which is what
you would have gotten

from your first choice,
Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Pull up, Raj, pull up!

Sounds like there's no love lost
between you and Dr. Tyson.

Oh, no, I love Neil.

I mean, not as much as Neil
loves Neil, but who does, right?

(chuckling)

I want to look away,
but I can't.

Oh, you know, I'm told we
are out of time, (chuckles)

having learned nothing
about meteor showers

and too much about
Dr. Koothrappali.

Thank you.

Do you know what I love
about Broadway theater?

It's so interactive.

Uh-huh.

You're so close to the actors.
It's like you're in the play.

Uh-huh.

I mean, you yell,
"Harry, watch out,"

he looks right at you.

And not just Harry,
everyone onstage.

At the risk of sounding
redundant, uh-huh.

All right, well,
it's a bit late,

but I did block out
the rest of the evening

for conjugal relations.

Should we shower?

I mean before, not during.

That's how you fall
and break a hip.

You know,
I'm a little jet-laggy.

Maybe we can revisit this
in the morning.

Oh, no can do.
If we miss tonight,

it's not scheduled
until Thursday at 6:00.

And that'll have
to be "no frills,"

'cause we've got a 6:30
reservation at Benihana.

Sheldon, do we really
have to do this on a schedule?

Are you suggesting spontaneity?

I-I guess, yeah.

So, now that we're married,
sex can occur at any time?

Like, we can be
brushing our teeth,

and suddenly your minty-fresh
tongue is in my mouth?

No, thank you.

Really? Would it be so bad
to mix it up a little?

Mix it up?
Who are you, Betty Crocker?

Where are you going?

Uh, to take a shower.

Now that sex can happen
at any time,

I always have to be ready.

Should probably live
under a waterfall.

Well, you don't have to worry
about sex happening tonight.

Oh. Well, thanks,
but I'm still gonna rinse off.

I touched a lot of stuff
in the gift shop.

No message, no note.
Who would do that?

What kind of
husband would...

If you let him talk,
maybe you'll find out.

Fine. Larry?

Well, there you go.
What more can he say?

Let's go home.

I think I'll stay.

Well, if you're going to stay,
then I'll stay.

All right, well, you know
who doesn't need to stay?

Us. Come on.

Penny, come on.

Aw.

I don't think those two
are gonna make it.

Poor Mr. Fowler, I really feel
sorry for the little guy.

I know. After they had Amy,

she should've just eaten him
and been done with it.

Look at you retaining facts
from a nature show. (chuckles)

I know, really,
what did he ever see in her?

He's so, so sweet, and
she's such a ballbuster.

Some guys think
strong women are sexy.

Yeah, but they seem to have
nothing in common.

Yeah, well, sometimes
opposites attract.

Wait, are-are you saying
we are like them?

I don't know, maybe a little.

So you're the sweet, quiet one
and I'm Amy's mom?

Is that what you're saying?

Hey, check out what Neil
deGrasse Tyson just tweeted.

"I've been informed
that some random,

attention-seeking nobody

took a cheap shot at me
on the local news."

That's me.
Guys, he's talking about me!

You know, I cut you
a lot of slack

'cause you come
from another country,

but you've been here
a long time.

Raj, you need to apologize
to Dr. Tyson.

Why? This could be good for me.

Everybody loves
a good Twitter feud.

Neil and I
could be like

the new, uh, Katy Perry
and Taylor Swift.

Come on, Raj,
you're better than this.

Oh, leave room for dessert

'cause I'm gonna
make you eat those words.

(clears throat)
"Dear Dr. Tyson,

"much like epithelial tissue,

it appears I've gotten
under your skin."

iPhone drop,

but I won't
'cause I don't have AppleCare.

(phone chimes)
What'd he say?

"Nice try, genius.
The skin is epithelial tissue."

Oh, it's on.

He's Katy, I'm T-Swift.
(clears throat)

What are you gonna do?
He's from another country.

TOUR GUIDE: And here we have
the former hotel where Tesla

perfected the three-phase
alternating current motor.

That's wrong.
I'm gonna say something.

Don't.

Well, then how will everyone
know I'm the smartest boy here?

Just let it go.

Is everything all right?

You seem testy
this morning.

I'm not testy.

I'll have to take
your word for it.

There's no test for testy.

Is it possible that
you're sexually frustrated?

Okay, now I'm testy.

If you had adhered
to my coital schedule,

your brain would be floating
on a sea of oxytocin right now.

Don't talk to me about my brain.
I'm a neurobiologist.

Then you should know
the benefits of the special hug

that grown-ups
give each other.

Sheldon, everybody's
listening.

Of course they're listening;
we're interesting.

Unlike that guy.

I-I'm walking
away from you.

I'm only
recently married.

Do I stay here? Do I follow?
Say something useful.

Morning, sunshine.

So I see you're making espresso.

Yup.

Just need that extra jolt

for a successful day
of ballbusting.

Really? I don't,
I don't think you do.

You know, you compared us to
the strangest couple we know,

and we know
Amy and Sheldon,

Howard and Bernadette,
Raj and his twitchy little dog.

I-I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.

Because it wasn't nice
or because it wasn't true?

It's not true. (stammers)

Mrs. Fowler is an angry,
vindictive woman,

whereas you are warm
and-and loving,

quick to forgive.

Oh, please.

I-I'm serious.
And I'm nothing like Amy's dad.

He's a mousy little man
who can't stand up for himself.

My point is you're not like her,
so we're not like them.

Well, 30 years from now,
are you gonna hide from me

because I'm so scary?

Hey, I-I don't think
you're scary.

Yes, I flinch when
you make sudden moves, but...

...that says more about
my childhood than you.

Aw.

Your turn.

Hang on, I'm checking
to see if Neil replied

to my latest
smackdown.

Really? Don't you think this
Twitter feud is a little silly?

Absolutely not.

It's-it's two
respected scientists

debating opposing views
in a public forum.

You called him
Mike Tyson's little sister.

Yeah, and now Mike Tyson's
mad at me, too.

Raj, you're not going to impress
anyone by attacking him.

Oh, Bernadette,
you sound so old right now.

He said he needs a break,
and I'm too much for him.

Oh. I'm sure he
didn't mean that.

He said I'm overbearing!

Oh, please, you're just
the right amount of bearing.

Look, I know he loves you.

If you just give him some space,
I'm sure he'll come back.

You really think so?

Yeah, I do.

You're a good person, Penny.

I hope we get to spend
lots of time together.

Me, too.

- Yes?
- Hit the road.

- But...
- Now!

Can I get my stuff?

- Be quick about it!
- (whimpers)

- Hello.
- Hello.

I brought you two hot dogs.

A-Aren't you
gonna eat one?

From a street cart?
Are you crazy?

I'm amazed that
I'm holding them.

I'm not really hungry.

You realize that I'm not
a particularly physical person.

- I know.
- When I was little,

and people asked me what
I wanted to be when I grew up,

I'd always say,
"A brain in a jar."

Sure.

Yeah, but I want to be
a good husband to you,

and intimacy
is a part of that.

Please put those down.

I'm just worried
that if I don't schedule

our bedroom endeavors,
then I may not think about them,

and you'll grow
cold and distant

and seek solace in the arms of
a heavily-muscled longshoreman.

Where would I find
a longshoreman?

Along the shore.
It's in the name.

Sheldon, I could never be
with anybody but you.

That's good to know.

I wouldn't want
to fight a man

who's brave enough
to touch a fish.

How's this for
a compromise?

Make all the schedules you want,
just don't tell me about them.

Excellent.

I'll create an algorithm
that'll generate

a pseudo-random schedule.
Yeah, and do you know why

it won't be a true
random schedule?

Because the generation
of true random numbers

remains an unsolved problem
in computer science.

Come with me.

- Where are we going?
- To the hotel room.

And when we get there,
I'm gonna need you

to say that again, except naked.
- (gasps)

(ringtone playing)

Go for Dr. K.

NEIL deGRASSE TYSON:
Is this Rajesh Koothrappali?

Yes. Who is this?

Neil deGrasse Tyson.

(stammers) Uh, w-wow.

(chuckles)

How fun is this
Twitter thing, huh?

You think you're funny?

I'm-I'm not Seinfeld funny, but
I did an open mic night once.

You're not funny.

Yeah, that's what they said
at the Chuckle Hut.

How about this:

I've got a book signing at
Vroman's in Pasadena next week.

Why don't you come by and say
some of those things to my face.

(chuckles):
Oh, no,

but thanks for the invite.

Smart move, and the next time
you pick up your phone,

remember, I'm the guy who kicked
Pluto out of the solar system.

And it deserved it, sir.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Well, that was fun.

Let's see who else needs
a deGrasse kickin'.

Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Hey, Bill, Neil Tyson.
We've got to talk.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man