Original subtitles

Captain's log, stardate 2027.1

Dear Cindy, I am being held prisoner on a barren asteroid

by the evil Klingon Emperor.

Oh, will you stop complaining? It's only for six weeks.

Well, I cannot tell you how I regret letting you bring that camera.

It's gonna be a good experience for you, Paul. You'll thank me for it some day.

I'm gonna thank him? For this?

What kind of life is this? Being dragged around the world

looking for pot fragments and aliens?

Well, what can you do.

Cindy, I debuted my act last week in the workman's mess.

it went over really good. Uhm...

Considering that they don't speak English, but...

You know, they're not very hip down here.

I don't know, they didn't even know who Bullwinkle was.

Well, what are you gonna do? Next time I'll pass out cliff notes.

Paul. Quit trying.

You're not going to L.A. to become a comic, and--

- Dad, come on. - No you're not! Paul...

First of all, you're not funny.

Second of all, you don't even know what L.A.'s like.

It's... it's like New Jersey with earthquakes.

- Hmm. - Come on, let's go.

The early bird catches the worm.

- Oh, is breakfast ready? - Doctor! Doctor!

We found someone to translate the stone!

Oh, great, Ramon! Isn't that exciting, Paul?

Yeah, I'm psyched. Really.

What did he say?

He must be chewing many coca leaf, gato.

He say it reads: "Beware of Viracocha,

The fire of the gods will bring justice, from now until the end of time."

Yeah, you should ask him how many times he's seen The Curse of the Mummy.

- He sure about that, Ramon? - Oh, he seems very sure, Doctor.

- Nothing about space travelers? - No, nothing like that.

Okay, Paul. It's time for a little archaeological field work.

Well, you know, Dad, I was never any good at field trips in school, so...

Paul.

- Dad, I'll just wait-- - Come on, come on.

Paul! Look at this, it's incredible!

I've got chills!

That's because it's cold, Dad. This is pneumonia weather.

- I wanna go home now. - Shh!

Oh, look!

Look at the stone work. It's incredible how the stones fit together.

I have a theory, shared by many, that aliens cut these stones with lasers.

- What, what is it? - Some anorectic Spaniard, Dad.

What's that?

Oh! Oh, look at this.

This is Inti, the sun god of the Chimanacos.

Look, Ma, no cavities!

Oh, this is amazing. You go--you go look over there.

Go on! Oh, look at this.

This is unbelievable. It's solid gold!

It's incredible that the Spaniards didn't cut this off.

What's the matter?

If that's some South American cockroach, Dad,

bigger than a Cocker Spaniel, I'm outta here!

Take it easy, Paul. I'll have a look.

There's nothing here.

- Over here, Dad. - What?

Come here.

I was right! It's an alien.

Dad, you don't know that he's an alien.

Maybe an illegal alien.

He's just learned Spanish 'cause he's been here so long.

- I mean, what else could he be? - A Nazi genetic experiment.

- Py... pyramid? - Definitely an alien.

Uh, go get something for me to put him in.

You're gonna be of big help to me, amigo.

You're gonna prove my theory that Machu Picchu

was a control tower for alien spaceships.

Let the skeptics laugh,

I have my living extra-terrestrial proof to back me up.

- Right, amigo? - Amigo!

Amigo.

Hiya, Pablo.

Dad, the only thing I could find was my duffel bag.

I hope he doesn't mind living with my underwear.

Calculated risk. Here, hold this.

Now, let's see.

Chocolate, Dad? You know he might get zits.

- Oh, Milk Duds! - Ramon?

I better get a sample of this.

- What do you think it is? - I don't know, but it glows in the dark.

Looks like toxic waste.

Dad, he's digging into the bag.

Aahh... Good, good.

Ramon!

- Ramon! - Si, Doctor?

Two things, Ramon: We need transportation into Lima,

and bribe the workers to keep quiet.

- It's not necessary, Doctor. - How come?

- They all ran away screaming. - I'm with them, Dad.

Paul.

- Yeah, whatever. - Gracias.

Taste good?

Oh, looks like we have a litterbug alien, Dad.

Not funny.

Milkybar!

United Airlines, Flight 283 from Dallas,

now arriving in Gate 7.

- Milk duds. - Shh!

- Take my wife, please. - Will you shut up?

He's been hanging around you too much. He thinks he's a comedian.

Gentlemen, kindly step aside and disrobe.

Hey, Cindy!

Will passenger William Oliver please report to the information counter.

- Oh, I missed you. - Oh, I have something for you.

Your very own Peruvian baseball cap.

- I think she's very good for him. - Good.

A pointed hat. I've never had a pointed hat before.

Oh, this tape's for you, too. I didn't have a chance to send it.

How are the Giants doing? Are they still in first place?

How did the Series with the Dodgers go?

Simon... Simon, you're not gonna believe it.

They won! They won! Won in a suicide squeeze!

Wow! Who, what-- Shh!

No, that's okay. I'll get the luggage myself.

- Chili Davis. - Yeah?

Chili Davis was on third, and broke for the plate...

Hey, what's in there?

Paul, did you bring me back a little baby llama?

- Aw, take him out. - No, no, no, he's fine in here.

I put a sock in there for him to play with.

- Dad, he's not a puppy. - Oh, not a puppy, huh?

- What is it, an anteater? - No, you're not even warm.

A ground sloth. Is it marsupial?

- No, I didn't check for a pouch. - A Bolivian wombat.

Shoot.

Damn.

Violation!

And it's Cindy. This is gonna be a great day!

Hi, everybody. How was the trip, Doc?

Find any alien beings?

No. No, no, Eddie. Not this time.

I downshifted to 35 by the time I hit the sign, Sport.

Did I say you were speeding, missy?

And that's Deputy Sport to you.

I had you at 12dBs over acceptable noise limits when your car backfired.

Look, I downshifted to keep from speeding!

I've warned you to get that tune-up before.

So now maybe you'll start obeying the environmental standards

that make Sweetwater such a nice place to live...

...and raise kids.

- Get a real job. - Get that tune-up, noise criminal.

If she wasn't so cute, I'd mace her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shhh...

That's all right, bud. That's all right. Now you're home.

Okay, okay. I... I think...

He got a little car sick. Shhh.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay.

What do you mean, you're a vegetarian now?

Ah, just like I told you, Paul.

Well, technically, I'm a cold-blooded veggie.

I just don't like to eat warm-blooded animals, that's all.

Come on up.

So what does that leave, snakes and salamanders?

You know, I don't see what the big deal is.

I mean, I still eat seafood, you know.

You know, I am not at all happy about this.

Hey, fella, you ever watched TV?

TV!

Hi, I'm Cecil Watterman.

You know, there must be over 60 brands of wine cooler on the market now.

But there's only one original:

'Cecil's All Natural Wine Cooler', made out of wholesome California products.

'Cecil's'; it's the real, real thing!

Uncle Cecil, what a goof.

What a goof!

I got him some treats.

- You want snacks? - Snacks.

Oh... he's so cute. Can't we take him out of the bag now?

No, no, no, no! Leave him in there.

I don't want anybody finding out about him.

Yeah.

Dad thinks he's an alien.

Yeah, your dad thought the Osmonds were aliens.

Well that hasn't been disproved yet.

I haven't seen anybody eat so much junk

since that time you got drunk.

Remember? And you ate that bar of hash?

Yeah, and you thought it was a Chunky.

- That's it! - What?

He's a munchie.

We gotta get the guy a name. Like, um... Arnold Ziffel.

- The pig on Green Acres? - Yeah.

- See, he likes it. - Oh, no.

Okay, here's the number of the hotel I'll be staying at tonight.

I'm heading over to the university to catch Dr. Crowder's lecture.

"Incan Hieroglyphics: Art Form, or Cosmic Joke?"

- Are you gonna tell him about Arnold? - Who?

- Arnold. - Arnold!

Oh, our little friend in the bag, huh?

Of course I'm gonna tell him about Arnold.

Let him to see for himself. Draw his own conclusions.

You know, he has hinted that he believes in alien visitations.

It's here in his book, Conquistador's Journal.

If he backs up my theory,

I'll be able to get a publisher for my book.

Our money worries will be over.

- I hope. - Cool, Dad.

Well, I'm glad you suppert me in this, Paul, because I need your help.

You must not let Arnold out of your sight until I get back.

Aw, Dad, it's our first day back, and you want me to stay at home

and babysit some alien?

Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do. You're a betting man, right?

I'll make you a wager:

I'll bet you that you can't look after Arnold for one day.

If youu win, we'll discuss this budding comedy career of yours in L.A.

Oh, that's some bet. Now, what happens if I lose?

You stay here, you go to community college

and you become something reputable.

- You really go for the throat, Dad. - You must keep him safe. And hidden.

Nobody must find out about him.

- Okay? - Okay.

I'm depending on you, Paul.

Oh Lord, what did I ever do in my past life

to make that goddamn egg split in two?

Welcome home, brother Simon.

Uh, you said you were gonna sell me

your half of the land when you got back.

Well, here I am.

And, uh... here are the papers for you to sign.

I'm sorry, Cecil, but uh... I've changed my mind.

I got this deal pending. It looks like it could be real big.

Uh... don't mean to inconvenience you, but, uh...

I could make a lot of money on this thing.

I don't think I'd be hard up for money anymore,

so I couldn't consider, uh... signing those papers.

Excuse me.

So you wanna play hardball, huh?

Okay, brother... Let's party.

On Channel 3 you get all the really weird stuff.

And on 24 you get all the old, really good movies.

Now, this is how you turn it on. Why don't you try?

- Turn it on. - Okay.

...home of the Valley's best steaks and crunchiest tater tots,

featuring the mile-long, 700-item salad bar.

This steak is so tender, it doesn't even taste like meat.

I just love those tater tots.

Yup, for beef so tender it melts in your mouth,

it's Western Beef Land. Four convenient Valley locations.

Thank you.

♪ Truckin' up to Buffalo ♪

♪ I've been thinkin', you got to mellow slow ♪

♪ It take time, to pick a place to go ♪

♪ So just keep truckin--- ♪ Aah! Ohh!

Oh, like, not cool, Pop.

That's an English import Dead LP, man!

Oh, I don't care if it's Burl Ives, "man".

- Got a little job for you, Scoom. - Forget it, Pop.

I'm not endangering my karma by associating with you.

Oh, that's too bad, Dude.

'Cause, either you help me,

or you're gonna go back to that, uh, tipi of yours in Utah.

Now, why, you want money, and I got the job.

- Now, are you in? - Oh man, what choice do I got?

Either be a cog in the wheel, or starve like a dog.

Here, my babies.

Come on, it's chow time. Come on, Petey.

Come on, Woody.

Come on, boys! Chow, chow. Chow now.

I know something that he'd like.

- Arnold? - Arnold.

Chicks, Arnold.

You know, Paul. Uhm...

Arnold's amusing himself with Miss July.

And you and I haven't seen each other in a very long time.

Are you asking me to shirk my responsibilities

for some sleazy teenage sex?

Absolutely.

- Okay. - Okay.

Will you watch what you're doing? Take off that stupid hat!

Man, the guy on The Wild Kingdom always wears a hat like this, man.

Man, you act like you've never seen The Wild Kingdom before.

It's nice to have you home.

- Paul, not so rough. - I haven't done anything yet.

- Gross, felt up by a furball. - Arnold, go downstairs and watch TV!

Now!

Sorry, man.

Snacks!

When I say "now", you break for the living room and cut him off.

Break what?

- Uh-oh. - Now.

- Now what? - Now go!

Gotcha!

Damn!

It's all your fault!

But there's more than one way to skin a cat.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Come on, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

- Man, are you sure that thing's a cat? - Shut up!

And open that garbage bag.

Oh, man. Oh wow, man.

Just like capturing a snow leopard on The Wild Kingdom, man.

Come on, let's get out of here.

- Hey, you wanna play doctor? - What?

Did you hear something?

It's probably just Arnold raiding the refrigerator.

Hit me again.

Hi, goof.

- You guys know each other, huh? - Don't get wise, punk.

Well, it's been real, Pop, but I gotta get goin'.

Oh, no you don't. You ain't finished yet.

You're gonna help me out with this creature.

But I've got things to do, man.

I'm going to the Berkeley Tie Dye and Hacky Sack Festival.

Now, Dude...

Haven't I always treated you like you was my own stepson?

But I am your stepson.

I know, and I always treated you like you was, didn't I?

Yeah, you always treated me like a stepchild.

Yes.

Well, you guard him with your life, or you won't have one!

- You threatenin' me, Pop? - Yes.

Okay.

I'm going to the bus station now to pick up your mother.

Now you watch him.

Scum.

Where are you?

I'm over here behind the watermelon!

That's not a watermelon!

No!

Hey, cut it out, you furry wimp!

It took my mom 4000 books of green stamps to get that.

Cut it out.

I said, cut it out!

Take that.

Oh!

Oh, man, my Dead records! You are history, pal!

You're not laughing anymore, are you, pal?

Got you now!

- Sure missed ya. - Did you?

- The bed got awful cold at night. - Cecil!

You sweet thing, you.

Oh! How's my baby Dude doin'?

Oh, fine. Fine. Just fine.

One thing I'll never know, though, honey,

is why you agreed to adopt that worthless kid

when you left that little con cousin of yours.

I don't know. I guess I just felt sorry for him,

'cause he was so ugly and stupid.

What's happenin', man?

Hostile little bastard.

Incredibly bad energy, man.

Oh, yeah.

- Rudy, how you feelin', man? - Leo, what'd I have to drink last night?

- I feel sick. - Hey. Hey, Rudy.

Where are we? Look at this kitchen!

You ever see such an ugly kitchen? Ugh!

Eh, let's go. Come on!

♪ Truckin', I got my chips cashed in ♪

♪ Keep a-truckin', yeah ♪

Crank it all the way up, man!

Arnold, come home!

You know, it serves you right.

It serves you right for letting him read that magazine.

You act like I had him freebasing at the Playboy Mansion or something.

You just didn't have any time, that's all.

You know, I can't believe your lack of faith in me.

You never used to be this way.

I never said lovin' was easy.

Good shooting, man! You got it!

Bullseye!

- Where'd those guys come from? - I don't know.

Wait right here. I'm gonna go around.

You keep 'em occupied. Okay?

Okay.

Hey, fellas!

- Look at that. - Shake that thing, baby.

Must be jelly, cause jam don't shake like that!

Paul, hurry up. They're drooling.

Take it all off!

Good job.

We got 'em.

How come you've never danced like that for me?

- Wow, my eardrums! - Man, this stuff stinks!

- What's so funny? - Come on waste 'em, man.

Blow 'em away! Come on!

- Yeah, show 'em. - Yeah.

No, Arnold, come on now. Give me the--give me the gun.

Don't listen to him. Get him in the kneecaps, come on!

- Give me the gun. - No way, Jose.

- I'm getting pissed off. - Back off, man!

- Jeez, what an attitude. - Okay, pull!

They're gone.

Come on, we gotta get them.

Great shots, man!

- Step on it! - I can't push any harder.

Hey, let me do it, huh?

I didn't know you could drive like Starsky and Hutch.

Hey, watch the smoke, man. You're gonna give me cancer.

Buzz off.

Check out the scenery, dudes. We go to New Jersey!

Go ahead. Make for the county line.

And I'll blow your tires out!

Déjà vu.

You think just 'cause my dad's away at the riot control convention,

that's your cue to run wild in the streets?

Uh, Eddie... You're not gonna believe this, but uh...

Cindy's dad is in the CIA.

And we're on a mission of national security.

That ugly, yellow car is full of Ruskie spies

with stolen secrets from the Silicon Valley.

- Really? - Yeah.

Need some help? Come on, let me help!

I was an Eagle Scout, you know.

Okay, but this is classified information.

We have reason to believe

that they are planning to blow up Golf Land,

and discredit the American way of life.

Okay.

Thanks, Paul.

How did you know my dad was in the CIA?

His decoder ring gave him away.

What are you readin'?

Oh, this is the latest issue of Insult Celebrities.

There is a interview with Ozzy Osbourne.

"How Today's Dating is Rough On Sensitive Guys."

I don't know why you read trash like that.

It's educational, honey. Look:

- Here's your astroscope. - Oh, my ass.

Let's see, Cancer... "You have little patience

with the eccentricity of neighbors."

"Home is where your heart is."

All right!

Check out that poon freak, man.

- Come on! - Yeah!

Lady.

Ain't gonna take that from no American Motors car.

Head for the hills, mama.

Crazy punks! Let them have guns!

You idiots!

Like it?

Let's go, man.

You're gonna pay for this, you furry little wimps!

- Guess we showed her. - He-hey, we the Munchies!

- Which way did they go? - They went that a-way! Get 'em!

Watch those short stops. You'll squish my due.

Well, what the...?

What a mess! Conchita will be furious!

Oh no, my Jaylynn plastic Eros!

Elvis!

Dude! Oh!

- Is--is he dead? - Sure looks it.

Look at this mess! My G--

Oh my God!

Oh my God! Look!

No one kills my tropical fish and lives!

What's happened here!

Your son blew it again, that's what's happened!

I figured out a way to force Simon to sell his land,

but he blew it!

- He let the creature get away! - What creature?

I dunno, some bad thing Simon found in Peru.

We gotta get Big Ed back up here, pronto!

Let's get Eddie! Eddie! We saw his car at Golf Land.

Oh, hell, he's dumber than his old man.

But, I guess we're stuck with him until Big Ed gets back.

Clearview, please. Number of the Easy 8 Motel.

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Okey!

What is going on?

- Which way'd they go? - That way!

When will they see it?

When will they know that it's the evil, red tide of communism

that's destroying the American fiber,

erroding the American way of life as we know it?

Those Soviet scums make me wanna barf!

You guys must think you're pretty funny!

Sending me off to guard Golf Land, huh, wise guy?

Those Ruskie spies must have a high-level informant in the CIA.

But we really need your help to get a line on Dude's car.

I mean, can't you put out, like, a dragnet or something?

That's an APB, Cojak.

Eddie!

Eddie, what are you doing to stop the impending disaster?

With all due respect, Mr. Watterman,

might I remind you that I am the police officer,

and you are the civilian.

I don't intend to let red man anarchy rule the day

just 'cause my dad's away.

What impending disaster?

The disaster that wrecked my condo,

ate my tropical fish, and killed Dude Macindosh.

- My beloved stepson! - There's been a murder?

My first murder! What a great day!

I'm on the case!

- Where am I going? - My place, you lunkhead!

This is all your fault.

If you wouldn't have kidnapped, none of this would have happened.

Yeah, now there's four of them, and they're all mad as hell.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The point is, we gotta track this thing down, pronto!

Now are you and your bimbo in this with me, or what?

Who are you calling bimbo, you polyester cowboy?

Who are you calling polyester cowboy, you...

...cheap dime store floozy?

If I wasn't such a lady, I would pop you one.

We'll find Arnold for ourselves, Cecil.

Oh, just what I expected from today's youth.

There ain't a real American among ya!

And it's the fourth of July, too.

Cecil, if you're such a patriot, how come your Space Chewy Sticks

are the official snack food of the Russian commienauts, huh?

Because you gotta bribe those bums at NASA to get an endorsement.

With the commies, you just cut them in for a percentage.

But I ain't got time standing 'round here talkin' snack food economics to you two.

Come on, Melvis, let's roll! We gotta meet Big Ed.

I want your chromosomes checked before we have kids.

I'm coming to get you!

Whoa, would you look at those beautiful babes?

I'm going down for a closer look.

Oh, catch those beach balls!

I only dated him to get to Whitney.

Who is merely the richest guy in town.

Bitchin' dudes!

Hey, isn't that Dude's old ugly, yellow car?

Who?

You know, that burnout, Santa Cruz Deadhead?

He hangs with, uh, Denise. The loadie chick?

Oh, Denise, whose sister's the salad bar manager

at Western Beef Land.

Yeah, you know Dude.

What are those things?

Dude's pals from Santa Cruz?

A piranha!

See you later, Terry.

That's my favorite bathing suit, you creep!

Hiya, sweetheart!

Oh, no! Oh!

See you around, Amy!

Wait, what's your sign?

Come to papa!

It's okay. It's okay.

- Hey, let's get out of here. - Okay.

Okay, come on, Arnold.

Come on, I'd recognize those beady eyes anywhere.

Thanks for the help, Amy.

You're the one to talk.

Besides, I'm not missing cheerleading camp because of you.

Come on.

He must have gotten away down the pipes.

Well, now he could be anywhere.

What were those things?

Uh, tourists from... ...from Nevada.

Buddy Holly Johnson, quit lightin' them firecrackers!

Don't want you to become another holiday statistic, now.

Hey, bro, I smell ice cream. Where is it?

Buddy Holly, you're too quiet.

What are you up to?

Buddy Holly, just answer me!

What are you-- Aahh!

Wow! God, what are they?

Get back here.

All right, everybody inside. Inside.

Idiot!

Quick, into the cooler.

Hey, look out! Get outta the way!

How long does it take to fix a tire?

Would've helped if you'd had a jack.

I don't know, I can't decide.

What should I get, vanilla or chocolate?

- I'm going for Mocha Chip. - Stay there.

Get back. Get back in the car.

Looters, huh?

Hey, guys, wait for me!

Who's gonna clean this mess up?

- Oh, Bob! - I'm fine.

Huh?

I'm fine, thanks. I'm fine.

Oh, by the way, I'm Marge. And this is Bob.

And this is little Buddy Holly.

Next time I wanna try Rum Raisin.

We'll be at the hospital soon.

- What were those things? - Aliens, mom! I already told ya.

- Adults are talking. - Forget the hospital.

It's not too bad.

Bob was mauled by a grizzly in Yellowstone once.

- Well, I hope it wasn't Yogi. - I've had worse.

I was mauled by a grizzly in Yellowstone once.

Can't you guys move it out any faster?

I'm sorry, little dead Dude.

I'll never forget the first time I saw him.

He was eleven, and I said to myself: "That boy looks like a chicken."

- And now he's gone. - That's all right, darlin'.

Please, come on. Daddy'll give you a massage.

Poor thing, I mean, he always made a mess, but he meant well.

- Didn't he, honey? - Yes, darlin'.

We'll all be in heaven some day.

You know, I think I've got something here.

You do?

You know, it is really such a turn-on when you take charge and everything.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

If I would've know that, I would've taken a Dale Carnegie course years ago.

You know, it says here that there are legends

that the high priests were able to inanimate objects to life.

They used, and I quote: "The fire of the gods."

"Once brought to life, the objects then supposedly had regenerative powers,

which made them unable to be destroyed."

Hm.

What do you think "fire of the gods" means?

I don't know. But you can probably rule out microwaves.

Regenerative powers.

That's how come there's four of them. It's like with the worm.

You have one worm; you cut it in half, you have two worms.

We've gotta warn everybody not to cut them. Otherwise, we're gonna have

hundreds of Munchies running around Sweetwater stealing junk food.

- This little piggy had roast beef. - No, stop it.

This little piggy had none.

And this little piggy was a bad little piggy,

then wee-wee-wee'd all the way home!

- Stop it. - Oh, honey...

If only I'd been a better stepmother.

Oh darling, you were a wonderful mother.

- You want a bite? - No, honey, I don't want.

I just want want another bite of you.

- I love you so much. - Maybe I'll have a pink one.

All right!

- Where's the insurrection? - It's Big Ed! Thank the Lord.

That door's made out of redwood, you jackass!

Welll, the place is destroyed. What do you need the door for?

Oh, Big Ed, we missed you!

- Where'd you get the riot gear? - You like it?

I borrowed it from some buddies of mine on the Tactical Assault Squad.

Uh, darlin', why don't you go get us a cool drink?

Would you mind, sweetheart? Eddie, give her a hand.

She's deeply bereaved. Go on, darlin', thank you.

Wha...?

We've got a full-blown crisis on our hands!

Hm. Eddie couldn't handle it, huh?

You know he graduated in the top 70% of debuty school?

You know, boss, I was having a great time at this convention.

I got this riot gun here, and I got--

Would you just forget that! Now listen!

If those creatures get into the underground caves,

people are gonna find out that I have been storing

barrels of toxic waste under the town.

Now, if I go down, you come with me!

A real meeting of the minds, huh?

Cecil, I found some more stuff out about those creatures.

I don't wanna hear it.

I'll take care of those hostile little bastards in my own way.

- But Cecil, you gotta listen-- - Oh, honey, it's almost 9 o'clock!

We've got to get over to Golf Land for those ribbon cutting ceremonies.

Oh, heaven's sakes, I haven't memorized all of my speech yet!

Cecil, you gotta listen to me.

- Ladies and gentlemen... - I'm not sure what to do!

From the beginning of recorded time...

Throughout history,

civilization has advanced for the good of all men,

when a few great men have had bold, new visions,

and the courage to carry them out.

Yeah!

But behind every great man, there is a loving and dedicated woman

who fills his days...

...and nights...

...with a love that is so profound,

so deep that it urges him on

to fulfill even his wildest dreams.

Caesar had his Cleopatra,

Napoleon had his Joséphine,

and Sonny had his Cher.

But luckiest of all:

I've had my Melvis.

You know... They laughed at me

when I said I would build the world's first 36-hole miniature golf course.

But I didn't listen to other people.

I followed my dream.

And with this fine lady's help, I have brought this Valley

36 holes of miniature golf.

I officially now declare Melvis' Miniature Golf Land...

...officially open! Yessir!

Go on, get out there and put, put.

Put your little hearts away.

It's on the house today, folks. On the house.

Okay, last ten! - Loser's buyin' pizza.

Hope you brought your money this time.

Wait till the guys see this! Ohh!

- Hey, look at the dudes over there! - You're cheating!

- I didn't cheat! - Come on, do it again.

Come on, come on.

- Whoa! - Whoops.

Ready to lose?

- Oh, gross! - What was that?

They're here!

Dad, it's them! They're here!

It's them, they're... Dad!

Shh, buddy, I'll make par if I get this one.

But Dad, you don't understand! It's them!

- Dad, they're here! - Shh!

- Dad! - Shh!

Look! Dad, look!

Look, Daddy! Oh, Dad, look!

I guess it's just not my day, huh, Marge?

- Is it bad, Bob? - No, no, honey.

The mace took my mind off the pain.

Give me that.

Somebody's gonna hear us.

Shut up.

Get it off me, get it off me!

Hurry up!

I didn't bring any money!

And you ask if me if I brought my money?

It wasn't my fault, Dad. Honest.

Well, son, I think you've done a pretty fair job

of maintaining order here.

Gee, thanks, Dad!

Ed! Get over here!

Well, do something, you dumb motherf--

Cecil! Don't you say the F word! There's a lady present!

Just don't stand there! Plug 'em!

Code blue, Dad!

Right, son! Cover my rear!

All right, let me do a little beat on them now!

All right!

- You can't kill 'em with guns. - Yeah, and how do you know that?

Because I read this book called The Conquistador's Journal.

- Bull! - Look, these things regenerate.

You can't kill 'em!

If you cut 'em up, there's just gonna be more of them.

I don't believe that crap!

- Do you, Melvis? - Well...

I don't know.

Hiya, Toots.

Hold this, son.

- Good shootin', Ed. - I knew you had it in you, Big Ed.

- Oh, thanks, Melvis. - It's party time.

Those ugly little things are wearing all of Dude's stuff!

Denise tie dyed that scarf for my baby's birthday!

Take it easy, honey.

I'll fix their wagon!

- Give me your helmet, Ed. - I can't, it's a loaner.

I said, give me your helmet!

Honey, give me them scissors.

Are you crazy? You're gonna cut 'em up and make more of them!

Get outta my way!

- Hey, honkey. - Yeah, gotcha, sucker!

Bullseye, man! Bullseye!

Yeah, got him. Good shot!

He doesn't know what he's doing.

Thank you.

Well, I guess that shows you what you don't know.

Well, not exactly.

Say what?

Cecil, I told you not to cut them up! Now there are seven of them!

No, get out of my sight!

Ed, arrest him, and take his floozy with him!

¡Ándale, ándale!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

- Hey, come here. - Yeah, come on!

- Were does this drain pipe lead to? - Uh, the Watterman Wash.

We gotta get to the factory

before they get into the underground storage areas.

Can I have my helmet back?

Is your head gettin' cold?

Hey, Eddie...

You're not really gonna take us to the big house, are you?

Where? Oh--oh, jail?

Yeah, I am.

A good lawman always follows orders.

No, no, no, a really good lawman

thinks on his feet and make snap desicions

whenever unforseen circumstances should arise.

I'm not listening to you!

Y'all... already lied to me about those Ruskie spies.

Look for Cher, man. I think she did a movie once.

- I wanna see naked women! - Maybe she was naked?

I-I-I don't know why you wanna go back to Golf Land.

Oh, scene of the crime, clues...

All that macho cop stuff. You know.

Yeah, I know.

I'm the lawman, remember?

Yeah.

Couldn't we stop at Pizza Land?

Sure could go for a couple of slices right now.

Yeah, I'm hungry. They don't serve meals on the bus, you know.

I've told you, we can't! We've got to get to the factory!

Just get a couple of takeout slices!

Pizza gives me gas.

Whoa!

- A 430 Double Stroke Z in progress! - What's that?

Ah, these punk vandals from the junior high!

Eddie? I just love all the macho cop stuff!

Under state stature 35.C,

civilians may be duly deputized in times of natural emergency

and/or stress. You're the one!

Aw, nothing but stupid educational films, man.

Look at that, a couple of heroes.

That's it! Electricity.

"The fire of the gods."

It's just like he said in the journal.

- Let's split, man. - There goes Arnold!

Come on.

I hate Western Beef Land.

Besides, the Enquirer says that red meat clogs your plumbin'.

They got the best salad bar in the state, Big Ed.

Well, now you're talkin'. Salad will set you free!

All right, all right, all right!

We'll go through the drive-through at Burger Land, and that's it,

okay?

Burgers give me indigestion.

Well, that's 'cause they clog your plumbin'.

Oh, Lord.

God, it's cold down here. It reminds me of Peru.

I wonder why this place is all lit up.

I'm sure Mr. Watterman's got a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Probably a perfectly sleazy one.

He is my role model, you know.

Yeah, he would be.

Look.

They must have gone this way, come on.

A little help.

Heeelp!

It's okay.

Move 'em out.

You okay, bud?

Which one, Paul?

You guys go down here, and I'll try down here.

We'll meet back here in five minutes.

All right. Let's synchronize our watches.

- I've got 10:57. - Check.

Check!

You little twerps ain't finished yet?

Geez, how am I ever gonna be regional manager

with employees like you, huh?

Come on!

Snap it up, short-stops, okay?

It's guys like Butcher that give Burger Land managers a bad name.

Forget him. He's got socialisation problems.

And bad skin.

This is Cecil Watterman. Ordering.

Oh, wait! I don't want the patty, I just want a bun with, uhm...

- With lettuce and tomato. - And I'd just like a fruit bowl, please.

No, you don't want a fruitbowl, 'cause strawberries give you hives.

- Well, I thought pineapples-- - No, I--

That's it!

Give me three Double Melvis Burgers, three large fries,

and three Solar Shakes. Do you copy?

I said, do you copy?

Three Double Melvis Burgers, three large fries,

and three Solar Shakes. Do you get it?

Sounds like he's got a broken squawk box or somethin'.

This is Cecil Watterman. And I'm ordering!

Three Double Melvis Burgers, three large fries,

and three Solar Shakes, do you copy?

And a pickled pickle.

Where is it?

Hello? Hey...

It's slow tonight.

I thought you said this night manager was going places.

He's going, all right. He's gonna find himself another job!

Butcher, where are you?

Butcher, you here?

We didn't get our Melvis Burgers.

I don't like these games now, Butcher. This is Cecil Watterman!

- What's happening? - Hit them lights, Ed.

Aah! Ed, you better have a cold. Just kidding.

Let's split, man.

They're in the caves now, for sure!

We gotta get to the factory!

We didn't get our order.

You know, Cindy, Paul is a really cool dude and everything, but, uh...

He's not exactly what you would call a go-getter kind of guy.

- You know what I'm saying? - What are you talking about, Eddie?

Well, it just seems to me that an incredibly happening chick like yourself

would go out with a guy with a real future.

Like who, Eddie?

I'm going back to deputy school to be recertified

as a special weapons expert, and...

Then I figure I'll probably retire from my wild and totally hot bachelor life, and...

...settle down and buy myself a little place near Video Land.

Eddie, I'd rather become a nun and join a convent.

I got no problems with my wife working.

Let me help you out, Melvis.

Oh, I think I feel dizzy.

- What's the matter? - I'm starving!

If we don't get some food in this woman soon

I won't be held responsible!

- Come on, you two. - So hungry!

Come on!

What was that?

Eddie? Eddie?

Eddie, speak to me.

Hey, honey bun! How about a kiss?

Hey, don't run away. We're gonna treat you nice.

I don't wanna point any fingers, but if we'd stopped at that salad bar,

we would have gotten those to-go styrofoam containers.

It would have taken five, many ten minutes at most.

Here. Have some Cheese Squeeze.

Ew! Cheese Squeeze makes my eyeballs itch!

Hm.

You get a four-carbon rush doing this straight.

Hey, boss, you got some crackers?

Well, we gotta look on the bright side.

I read fasting improves your karma.

Do you think Sushi Land delivers?

You okay, Eddie?

Put me in the game, coach.

Next play, Eddie. Next play.

Cecil, let me in!

- Hey, honey, what's your hurry? - My heart is palpatatin'.

- They almost got in here. - It's all right.

Hey, come back here! Wait for me!

Later, man.

Shopping hours are now over.

- I have closet-phobia! - Oh no, me too!

Now don't panic, sweetheart. Daddy's here.

Now don't be scared. Here--here, take my hand.

- There. Is that better? - Yeah. Thanks, boss.

Get outta here!

Oh, great.

- Oh, now what? - What do we do now?

Ah, let's find something to eat. Come on!

I am coming. Arnold's going to come to see you.

Ma chérie?

Here I am coming!

Ma chérie...

Hit it!

Oh my God, they're gonna multiply.

Gotcha!

Bonjour, Cindy.

Come to me, my little peach blossom. My sweet little darling.

My little soufflé chocolat.

Paul!

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

- What about you? - I'm okay.

I was so scared.

Should we take it back to Simon?

I gotta bring him something.

He's counting on me.

Wait a minute. Think I found something.

It was on the panel all the time.

It was right here all the time!

Can you imagine, honey? It was here.

We were looking all over the place, and it was right here.

Boy, I'll be darned.

- Hallelujah. - Yeah, praise the Lord.

- Are you all right, darling? - Mm-hmm!

- Who's there? - Dad.

Dad who?

Daddy?

- Hey, Eddie. - Yes, sir!

- It's Cecil Watterman. - How are you doing, sir?

I want you to hit that emergency switch.

You mean this red button right here on the side, sir?

No, no, no. On the other side.

There's nothing over here, Mr. Watterman.

On the side side, you idiot!

Good work. Way to go, son.

Thanks, Dad.

What happened to them monsters?

Smashed to smithereens, no thanks to you.

Here, look at this.

Asbestos for tater tot mix?

Agent Orange for mandarin/orange wine cooler?

Well, I guess it's been a long night for all of us, you probably wanna--

Cecil, you scum!

Cow snacks are made with toxic waste!

But it's harmless, Paul. Can't hurt anybody.

I've treated it all with my secret neutralizing mix.

Of course, I wouldn't want it to get around, you know...

Trade secrets and everything.

You know, Paul, I've been thinking. You know...

I could use a smart fella like you around the factory.

Put you in charge of the endangered species spunge cake division.

What's your answer, nephew?

Just this.

Oh, sweetheart! Oh, honey.

I want him arrested for assault, Ed!

All right, darling.

What are you doing? You work for me!

Not no more.

You never did tell me about poison in the food.

You can't arrest me! I've seen those movies

about what happens to nice girls like me in prison.

Hey. You're already on your way to the big house

so why don't you just put a sock in it, Toots!

Look what happened to Linda Blair!

Eddie, can you give us a ride to my house?

No problem, good buddy!

I'll give you that recommendation to deputy school if you want.

My name carries a lot of weight around there.

I finished highest in parking enforcement.

Well, I might take you up on that.

Looks like I'm gonna be around here for a while, so...

See you later, Eddie.

Bye, Eddie.

What happened to Arnold?

- Aw, Dad, you're never gonna believe--

- It was all Cecil's fault. - Simon!

I've never seen one this well preserved.

You didn't have to hand me that line about aliens.

I would've come anyway.

This Dr. Crowder from the archaeology institute.

This is my son, Paul, and his friend, Cindy.

Pleased to meet you. May I?

Sure.

Amazing.

I can offer you $25,000 for this statue.

It's yours.

What an addition this is going to make

to the university's natural history museum.

Some will say I've paid too much, of course.

But for something like this? Unbelievable.

Well, I-I guess I've lost the bet.

I'll go tomorrow and enroll in community college, and...

Dad?

Oh, son! I forgot to tell you.

Do you remember that sample that I took at the temple?

- Yeah. Well, I had it analyzed.

And it's some sort of toxic waste.

But there are no elements in it that are known on Earth!

So you mean, Machu Picchu is really...

An alien toxic waste dump!

I've got my new bestseller:

Machu Picchu: Toxic Waste Dump of the Gods.

Hey, you could probably use that in your act, huh?

You mean I don't have to go to college?

Oh, no.

A good mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Not funny, Dad. Not funny.

So...

How do you feel about L.A.?

It's like New Jersey...

...with earthquakes.

Amigo!

Come on, Tina, that's enou--