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1
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Morning.
2
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Morning.
3
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Morning? Oh my God, Joe,
4
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get up! Get up! You were supposed to be out of here hours ago.
5
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You promised me that after we did the deed you'd be on your merry way.
6
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I was.
7
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Get dressed. We've got to get you out of here before Dr. Crane gets up.
8
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Oh, no. I smell coffee. They're already up!
9
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Now don't worry. I'll just lay low until the two of them...
10
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Oh my God, it's nine o'clock. I'm a half-hour late for work.
11
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Just give me a minute. I'll get rid of them.
12
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Where's my underwear?
13
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Eddie, get back here!
14
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Good morning.
15
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Maybe for you. I just spent five minutes trying to button these pants.
16
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That stupid dryer shrunk another pair on me.
17
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Dad. Before you blame the dryer, have you ever considered stepping on the old bathroom scales?
18
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Oh, what's the point? That thing's been ten pounds off for weeks.
19
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Daphne?
20
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Good morning, Dr. Crane. Sorry I overslept.
21
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Well, time we all got our day started. I'll just clear these dishes away.
22
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Wait, I wasn't finished with that yet.
23
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Whoops. Sorry about that.
24
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Daphne, I wasn't quite finished with that toast either.
25
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Oh, now, we can't have you running off to your squash game on a full stomach.
26
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Yes ?how many championship matches have been marred by the heartbreak of toast cramp?
27
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Don't you have that Doctor's appointment?
28
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Yes, but it's not for 20 minutes yet. What's going on here?
29
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Why are you giving us the bum's rush?
30
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Bum's rush! Oh, I just love the American vernacular.
31
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So cute. So quick. So long!
32
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Better get my wallet first. Damn pants! You know ?
33
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you spend fifteen dollars on a good pair of pants - you expect them to be shrink resistant.
34
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Well, Dad, when you pay that kind of money what you're really paying for is the designer name!
35
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Gotta go. I'm so late.
36
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Oh hurry, hurry, hurry!
37
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I'll call you tonight.
38
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OK. Bye.
39
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OH..GOD
OH..GOD
40
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Oh!
41
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Hello Joe.
42
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Hi Dr. Crane. I just came by to give Daphne a kiss.
43
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And drop off these shoes.
44
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Here!
Oh, thank you.
45
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Well. Can anyone think of anything to make this moment a bit more awkward than it already is?
46
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Thank you, Eddie!
47
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THEY'RE PLAYING DO-SI-DO, BUT NOT FOR ME
48
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Oh..Thank you very much
49
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Isn't that Dirk and Gabby Bindercott?
50
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Friends of yours?
51
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Mmm. Filthy rich. Timber money.
52
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In their case it really does grow on trees!
53
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Dirk! Gabby! Oh, Dirk?
54
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Hello, Niles.
55
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Dirk Bindercott ?my brother Dr. Frasier Crane.
56
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Ah ?I've heard your program.
57
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Well ?I've seen your wife.
58
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So Niles ?I suppose I'll see you at the benefit on Sunday.
59
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I know Maris is coming.
60
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Yes, Sunday. Which benefit is Sunday? I have so many benefits... on Sunday.
61
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The ho-down for the homeless. You were invited?
62
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The ho-down? Yippee-kai-yes!
63
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Must be Gabby.
64
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Certainly sounds like her.
65
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See you Sunday.
66
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Yes. Till Sunday.
67
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I wasn't invited.
68
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Niles, it's one party.
69
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Yes, but when you're off the A-list for one party you're off for all of them.
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From now on I'll be relegated to B-list charity events.
71
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Grubby little theatre companies and last year's diseases.
72
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This often happens in these cases when two people separate ?
73
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their friends choose one spouse over the other.
74
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Surely they chose Maris because she's better connected and has more money than you do.
75
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Exactly which part of that was meant to ease my pain?
76
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Niles, I just think you're overreacting.
77
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Oh wait, wait.
78
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I know what happened. My invitation just got lost in the mail.
79
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No ?it's not so far fetched. It could have been missorted... or a stamp could have fallen off...
80
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or it could have been stolen by my mail carrier. Ho-downs are catnip to postal workers!
81
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:10,442
Well I'd ask you to explain that but then you would!
82
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I'm going to check with the post office. You know ?
83
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I heard a story on the news the other day about a man who bought a piano at auction
and when he went to tune it he found a 40-year-old unmailed letter under the sounding board.
84
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Perhaps we should contact Feronte and Tisha (sp.??) ?see if they have your invitation?
85
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Poke fun now.
86
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We'll see who feels foolish this Sunday when I'm sipping champagne atop a mechanical bull!
87
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Cappuccino, please.
88
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Roz, I want to get your take on something.
89
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What?
90
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Well.
91
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Daphne and Joe are having sex in my apartment and it leaves me in a rather awkward position.
92
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Doing what? Bending over to look through the keyhole?
93
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Oh Frasier, come on, what is the big deal?
94
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Well, let's just say that I'm sitting there listening to music, reading a book...
95
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and Daphne and Joe are "back there."
96
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So?
97
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Well, it just makes me uncomfortable.
98
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I'm going to ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house anymore.
99
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Is that too...?
100
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Amish?
101
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I was going to say selfish!
102
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Oh, let's see. Please Daphne ?don't have sex. It disturbs my reading! No, that's not too selfish.
103
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Well, I just don't think a man should be uncomfortable in his own home.
104
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How am I supposed to relax when every giggle, every noise makes me... you know...?
105
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Picture it?
106
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Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. The very idea.
107
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You're picturing it right now, aren't you?
108
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Well, you made me.
109
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Hey, Fras.
Hey, Dad.
110
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Is Daphne in?
111
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Yeah, and if you have any sense you'll pretend that nothing happened this morning.
112
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Ah, yes. Denial.
113
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The sort of advice I'd expect from a man whose driver's license still lists his hair colour as brown.
114
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It was until you came back to town!
115
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Daphne. I think we need to discuss what happened this morning.
116
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It's been bothering me all day. It was entirely my fault.
117
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No, no. I share the blame.
118
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We never did have a formal discussion about the rules of the house, especially when it comes to... you know...
119
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I do want to apologise for any embarrassment I may have caused.
120
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You see, we can't go to Joe's because he's still building his house and he sleeps on a friend's couch.
121
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But I can assure you it will never happen again.
122
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Well, then our business is concluded.
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Meeting adjourned.
124
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The next time Joe spends the night, I'll notify you well in advance.
125
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Daphne. I was just reviewing the minutes of our last meeting.
126
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There seems to be some confusion.
127
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Oh?
128
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You see, my quibble is not with the lack of notification.
129
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I am just not comfortable with you and Joe sleeping together under my roof.
130
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Oh, I see.
131
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I'm sorry about that, but it is my room, isn't it?
132
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Oh yes, yes. And I want you to feel comfortable living here.
133
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I suppose it's more important for you to feel comfortable because, as you said, it is your roof.
134
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Oh. Thank you for understanding.
135
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Not at all. Joe and I are going away for the weekend but first thing Monday I'm going to start looking for me own place.
136
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Guess who?
137
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Daphne... em... I don't want you entertaining here but I also don't want you to move out.
138
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Oh, I see. So you want me to stay, but just not have a personal life?
139
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Well...
140
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No, no. That works out fine for me.
141
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I'll just spend all day waiting on you and your father, then in the evenings retire to me room,
wrap meself in an Afghan and wait for the morning.
142
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And if my whimpering gets too loud for you ?you can just have me fixed like Eddie!
143
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That is not what I meant.
144
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This is difficult for both of us, Daphne.
145
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I have to express my feelings. I also don't want to lose you.
146
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You're very important to me and my father.
147
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That's why my solution is best.
148
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I'll still be here during the day to take care of your father
149
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but nights and weekends I'll just go home to my own place.
150
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On top of which you can turn this room back into your beautiful study you used to have.
151
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Well ?I suppose, what other choice do we have?
152
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Of course it'll be a period of adjustment for all of us...
153
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...I know how much you two care about me and consider me part of the family but...
154
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You're picturing your study right now, aren't you?
155
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Well, you made me!
156
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She's such a groovy lady!
157
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Morning, Dad.
158
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Oh, morning.
159
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You seen the phone?
160
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Oh, I probably left it in my room again. Sorry.
161
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Hey, I'm making breakfast Burritos. You want one?
162
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I'll passo!
163
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Suit yourself.
164
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Dad. Whatever happened to the silk pajamas I bought you?
165
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Oh, Frasier, they're too la-dee-da for me.
166
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Besides, they shrank!
167
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Whoa ?there go my tater-tots. You want a pile?
168
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Not that I don't enjoy a "pile" of breakfast as much as the next guy but I still think no.
169
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Dad, are you planning on going around like that all weekend?
170
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Yeah, why not? Daphne's off on her little trip. It's just us guys.
171
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Besides I've been wearing pants round here for three years. Enough!
172
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I see. Look Dad, I just have to do this
173
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Thank you
All right.
174
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Now, listen. It's no big deal but I couldn't find the remote control for the TV last night.
175
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Now I thought we agreed that its place was on that table next to my chair.
176
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What was it like in the old days when you actually had to get up to change the channel?
177
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It was hell!
178
00:11:38,016 --> 00:11:39,633
You expecting someone?
179
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The contractor. I'm getting an estimate on restoring my study.
180
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Why don't you use Joe?
181
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I think Joe's done enough work in that room, thank you!
182
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Henry. Thank you for coming on such short notice.
183
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No sweat.
184
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I'll just show you the room.
185
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Oh, this is my father. Don't get up!
186
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Like a cup of coffee?
187
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That'd be great.
188
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Fine. Look, the room is right down the hall there to the right. I'll meet you there.
189
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OK.
190
00:12:08,953 --> 00:12:13,788
Oh, Dad. This is a small thing but you left the sponge in the sink again.
191
00:12:13,788 --> 00:12:14,921
So?
192
00:12:14,921 --> 00:12:21,832
Well, as I mentioned last evening,
if it stays wet, not only does it begin to smell but it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria.
193
00:12:21,832 --> 00:12:23,150
So?
194
00:12:23,150 --> 00:12:33,004
So. If I were to say wipe up that salsa that you spilled on the table just now
I would be leaving behind bacteria such as salmonella, lysteria, flagella.
195
00:12:33,004 --> 00:12:34,398
Now wouldn't that bother you?
196
00:12:34,398 --> 00:12:36,680
Yeah, I guess you're right ?it would bother me.
197
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:41,032
I wouldn't dream of touching that sponge now!
198
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Ah, yes. Our own foul-breathed little handy wet!
199
00:12:56,566 --> 00:13:00,077
HE CRIED WITH HIS BOOTS ON
200
00:13:08,914 --> 00:13:12,984
You've been leaving lights on in the apartment all weekend. You know what that does to the electric bill?
201
00:13:12,984 --> 00:13:19,321
Suppose there's a nuclear power plant they had to build to keep that television on day and night?
202
00:13:19,321 --> 00:13:21,382
You moved my chair again, didn't you?
203
00:13:21,382 --> 00:13:22,044
No!
204
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Oh well, maybe Eddie did it.
205
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Eddie, you move my chair?
206
00:13:25,660 --> 00:13:28,738
'Cause Frasier said he didn't do it and Frasier never messes around with my stuff.
207
00:13:28,738 --> 00:13:31,186
All right, I moved your damn chair.
208
00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:33,601
The way you have it turned ruins the symmetry of the room.
209
00:13:33,601 --> 00:13:35,657
The sight line loses all flow.
210
00:13:35,657 --> 00:13:40,975
Oh, the sight line. And here I thought it was for some dumb reason.
211
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Would you get Eddie off of the couch, or else it's down through the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!
212
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Well, howdy partner.
213
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Save your snippy remarks.
214
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Fair enough. Say, am I crazy or is there a bright golden haze on the meadow?
215
00:14:13,150 --> 00:14:16,293
Stop it. I'm in the middle of a social crisis.
216
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I just drove to the ho-down for the homeless assuming that Maris had simply neglected to forward my invitation.
217
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:31,928
Well, not only was I not on the guest list but Nelson, the parking attendant,
said he missed me at "The Luau for Lupus."
218
00:14:31,928 --> 00:14:34,446
Now it is official. I'm a social outcast.
219
00:14:34,446 --> 00:14:36,494
Oh Niles, why do you even care about those people?
220
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In your hour of need they pretend you don't even exist.
221
00:14:40,493 --> 00:14:43,460
They treat you like you're a leper, a non-person.
222
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But I really, really like them.
223
00:14:46,402 --> 00:14:48,762
I know, I know ?it makes me sound pathetic. But
224
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I'm newly separated. These people have been my social circle for ten years.
225
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Frasier ?they're my tribe.
226
00:14:56,171 --> 00:15:05,584
Well, I hate to break this to you, "Waltzes With Snobs," but
227
00:15:05,584 --> 00:15:08,993
they have left you on the mountaintop to die!
228
00:15:08,993 --> 00:15:15,577
Now Niles, maybe your friends wanted to invite you but they probably thought you'd be upset seeing Maris there.
229
00:15:15,577 --> 00:15:18,522
Of course. You're absolutely right.
230
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Oh, that's ridiculous.
231
00:15:19,706 --> 00:15:22,010
Oh, why are you so negative? These people do care about me.
232
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Oh fine, very well. Why don't you just call them? Prove to me I'm wrong.
233
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Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Where's your phone?
234
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It's in my bedroom.
235
00:15:27,771 --> 00:15:31,002
Where else would it be? And Dad's electric shaver is in the kitchen.
236
00:15:31,002 --> 00:15:35,891
You see, all our appliances are on an adventure this weekend.
237
00:15:40,557 --> 00:15:42,731
Well, are you proud of yourself, stirring things up?
238
00:15:42,731 --> 00:15:45,415
Why didn't you just let him think his friends were doing him a favour?
239
00:15:45,415 --> 00:15:49,912
Ah, yes. The Martin Crane approach. Better living through denial!
240
00:15:49,912 --> 00:15:53,877
You did the same thing with Daphne. You couldn't just pretend that nothing was going on back there.
241
00:15:53,877 --> 00:15:58,005
Dad, I'm a psychiatrist. I don't pretend. I confront. I resolve.
242
00:15:58,005 --> 00:16:00,443
Oh yeah, you really resolved this. Now she's moving out.
243
00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:02,958
You know, I swear you just go looking for trouble.
244
00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:05,736
Oh, that is so untrue.
245
00:16:05,736 --> 00:16:10,329
AND PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN THIS!!!
246
00:16:11,412 --> 00:16:15,825
A grown man's obsession with a sponge? No, I can't!
247
00:16:15,825 --> 00:16:19,620
For the last two days I've asked you again and again as politely as I can to wring out the sponge.
248
00:16:19,620 --> 00:16:22,068
But you don't even have the consideration to respect my feelings.
249
00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:23,429
Because your feelings are stupid!
250
00:16:23,429 --> 00:16:26,621
But they're my feelings!
And important to me!
251
00:16:26,621 --> 00:16:29,151
And because of that you should have the courtesy to respect them.
252
00:16:29,151 --> 00:16:32,251
Just like you respect my feelings when I asked you not to move my chair.
253
00:16:32,251 --> 00:16:33,735
Oh, that makes no sense at all.
254
00:16:33,735 --> 00:16:39,278
Oh, all right. You want me to dry that sponge? 'll dry that sponge!
255
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:44,719
Give it about a minute.
Oh, that's mature.
256
00:16:44,719 --> 00:16:48,245
Oh, boy ?you know what a tortured little world you live in?
257
00:16:48,245 --> 00:16:52,354
Newspapers strewn all over the place. Sponge germs coming after you.
258
00:16:52,354 --> 00:16:53,960
It's a wonder you can sleep at night!
259
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,423
Oh, my dreams get me by.
260
00:16:56,423 --> 00:17:01,663
Like the one where I strap you in your chair and run around the house turning on all the lights...
261
00:17:01,663 --> 00:17:08,689
...even in the rooms I'm nowhere near. Boy, that electric meter must really be spinning now!
262
00:17:09,823 --> 00:17:12,896
Evening, all. Did you boys have a nice weekend?
263
00:17:12,896 --> 00:17:14,327
Barrel of laughs!
264
00:17:14,327 --> 00:17:16,735
Well, I had the loveliest time.
265
00:17:16,735 --> 00:17:19,033
Hey ?Off!
266
00:17:19,033 --> 00:17:22,998
We found this little bed-and-breakfast right up the coast.
267
00:17:22,998 --> 00:17:25,233
I talked my decision over with Joe,
268
00:17:25,233 --> 00:17:28,826
and he agreed it really is the best thing for everyone.
269
00:17:28,826 --> 00:17:33,453
Of course I'll still be here during the day to help your father with his exercises.
270
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:40,222
But nights and weekends it'll just be you two carefree bachelors getting into trouble together.
271
00:17:40,222 --> 00:17:43,503
I'm usually just underfoot around here anyway.
272
00:17:43,503 --> 00:17:48,946
So you see, my decision is best for everyone.
273
00:17:48,946 --> 00:17:53,755
Well, I've had a long weekend, so good night.
274
00:17:54,413 --> 00:17:56,603
Night, Daphne.
275
00:17:59,868 --> 00:18:01,631
Frasier.
276
00:18:01,631 --> 00:18:03,233
What?
277
00:18:03,233 --> 00:18:09,220
You know how an Oreo has that soft creamy filling between two hard cookies?
278
00:18:09,220 --> 00:18:13,246
That's what keeps them together?
279
00:18:13,246 --> 00:18:15,199
See your point, Dad.
280
00:18:15,199 --> 00:18:17,524
Daphne's kind of the centre.
281
00:18:17,524 --> 00:18:19,223
I'll go and talk to her.
282
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:23,870
Now, you and me, we'd be the cookie part.
283
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:26,618
I get it!
284
00:18:33,645 --> 00:18:35,171
May I come in?
285
00:18:35,171 --> 00:18:37,830
Yes, of course.
Thank you, Daphne.
286
00:18:40,075 --> 00:18:43,698
Daphne... er... you can't go. You have to stay.
287
00:18:43,698 --> 00:18:46,612
I've only just recently realised how important you are to us.
288
00:18:46,612 --> 00:18:50,577
You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other.
289
00:18:50,577 --> 00:18:53,576
I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense.
290
00:18:53,576 --> 00:18:55,534
Dad and I ?both dead!
291
00:18:55,534 --> 00:19:03,082
Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.
292
00:19:03,082 --> 00:19:06,052
You don't really want that on your conscience, do you?
293
00:19:06,052 --> 00:19:11,930
No, of course not. Truth is, I do still think of this place as my home.
294
00:19:11,930 --> 00:19:14,959
But I know you'd never be comfortable knowing Joe and I were...
295
00:19:14,959 --> 00:19:18,009
I'd be willing to try.
296
00:19:18,009 --> 00:19:22,319
I know you better than that. It'll bother you and we'll both be miserable.
297
00:19:22,319 --> 00:19:25,333
Why can't I get past this?
298
00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:31,053
Oh, it'd just be easier if I could be like my father pretending you weren't in here making love.
299
00:19:31,053 --> 00:19:34,641
Making love? Is that what you think we were doing?
300
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,651
Yes, of course.
301
00:19:36,651 --> 00:19:40,581
Oh no. There was nothing like that going on in here.
302
00:19:40,581 --> 00:19:43,569
Really?
303
00:19:43,569 --> 00:19:51,775
Seems rather implausible. I'd like to believe that and believe me I really do want to... er...
304
00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:53,592
how can I?
305
00:19:53,592 --> 00:20:01,774
Well, how could Joe and I make love? What with... er... Joe's war injury?
306
00:20:01,774 --> 00:20:04,550
I didn't even know Joe was a soldier. What war would that be?
307
00:20:04,550 --> 00:20:06,895
The Falkland Islands.
308
00:20:06,895 --> 00:20:08,538
But that was a British conflict and Joe's not...
309
00:20:08,538 --> 00:20:13,615
His parents have a summerhouse there!
310
00:20:13,615 --> 00:20:16,121
Oh, that's very unfortunate.
311
00:20:16,121 --> 00:20:20,787
Having a summerhouse in a war zone. But how-?
312
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:23,079
He was kicked by a sheep.
313
00:20:23,079 --> 00:20:23,811
A sheep?
314
00:20:23,811 --> 00:20:27,718
Yes, a sheep ?spooked by an air raid siren. Work with me.
315
00:20:27,718 --> 00:20:32,929
Oh, I see. So, what you're saying is that Joe...
316
00:20:32,929 --> 00:20:34,752
Can't.
317
00:20:34,752 --> 00:20:37,238
Ah.
318
00:20:37,238 --> 00:20:38,652
Well, I suppose that changes everything.
319
00:20:38,652 --> 00:20:41,481
Ys, I suppose it does.
320
00:20:41,481 --> 00:20:46,888
But just so as we're clear - even though there's no actual lovemaking,
321
00:20:46,888 --> 00:20:53,667
Joe and I can on occasion, say, read poems to each other in here at night?
322
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:57,614
As long as you don't read too loudly.
323
00:21:03,311 --> 00:21:05,626
She's staying.
324
00:21:05,626 --> 00:21:13,049
Turns out they're sleeping together but not having sex.
325
00:21:13,049 --> 00:21:26,177
See, they can't have sex because of an injury Joe suffered
when kicked by a spooked sheep during an air raid while his family were vacationing in the Falkland Islands during the war.
326
00:21:26,177 --> 00:21:28,966
Well, Dad was right. They are my real friends.
327
00:21:28,966 --> 00:21:31,561
It was all just a misunderstanding.
328
00:21:31,561 --> 00:21:36,243
Apparently the social chairman's dog ate my invitation.
329
00:21:36,243 --> 00:21:40,503
And the poor animal had to go to the vet and with all the confusion they forgot to send me another, and
330
00:21:40,503 --> 00:21:49,469
when I offered my new address for next year's party, they said, "no need ?we'll see you around."
331
00:21:49,469 --> 00:21:56,336
I'm going to start wearing sweat pants. That damned drier again.
332
00:21:56,336 --> 00:21:58,565
Hey, you guys want some cookies? They're reduced fat.
333
00:21:58,565 --> 00:22:02,910
Really? That means we can eat twice as many.
29363
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