Original subtitles

Morning.

Morning.

Morning? Oh my God, Joe,

get up! Get up! You were supposed to be out of here hours ago.

You promised me that after we did the deed you'd be on your merry way.

I was.

Get dressed. We've got to get you out of here before Dr. Crane gets up.

Oh, no. I smell coffee. They're already up!

Now don't worry. I'll just lay low until the two of them...

Oh my God, it's nine o'clock. I'm a half-hour late for work.

Just give me a minute. I'll get rid of them.

Where's my underwear?

Eddie, get back here!

Good morning.

Maybe for you. I just spent five minutes trying to button these pants.

That stupid dryer shrunk another pair on me.

Dad. Before you blame the dryer, have you ever considered stepping on the old bathroom scales?

Oh, what's the point? That thing's been ten pounds off for weeks.

Daphne?

Good morning, Dr. Crane. Sorry I overslept.

Well, time we all got our day started. I'll just clear these dishes away.

Wait, I wasn't finished with that yet.

Whoops. Sorry about that.

Daphne, I wasn't quite finished with that toast either.

Oh, now, we can't have you running off to your squash game on a full stomach.

Yes ?how many championship matches have been marred by the heartbreak of toast cramp?

Don't you have that Doctor's appointment?

Yes, but it's not for 20 minutes yet. What's going on here?

Why are you giving us the bum's rush?

Bum's rush! Oh, I just love the American vernacular.

So cute. So quick. So long!

Better get my wallet first. Damn pants! You know ?

you spend fifteen dollars on a good pair of pants - you expect them to be shrink resistant.

Well, Dad, when you pay that kind of money what you're really paying for is the designer name!

Gotta go. I'm so late.

Oh hurry, hurry, hurry!

I'll call you tonight.

OK. Bye.

OH..GOD OH..GOD

Oh!

Hello Joe.

Hi Dr. Crane. I just came by to give Daphne a kiss.

And drop off these shoes.

Here! Oh, thank you.

Well. Can anyone think of anything to make this moment a bit more awkward than it already is?

Thank you, Eddie!

THEY'RE PLAYING DO-SI-DO, BUT NOT FOR ME

Oh..Thank you very much

Isn't that Dirk and Gabby Bindercott?

Friends of yours?

Mmm. Filthy rich. Timber money.

In their case it really does grow on trees!

Dirk! Gabby! Oh, Dirk?

Hello, Niles.

Dirk Bindercott ?my brother Dr. Frasier Crane.

Ah ?I've heard your program.

Well ?I've seen your wife.

So Niles ?I suppose I'll see you at the benefit on Sunday.

I know Maris is coming.

Yes, Sunday. Which benefit is Sunday? I have so many benefits... on Sunday.

The ho-down for the homeless. You were invited?

The ho-down? Yippee-kai-yes!

Must be Gabby.

Certainly sounds like her.

See you Sunday.

Yes. Till Sunday.

I wasn't invited.

Niles, it's one party.

Yes, but when you're off the A-list for one party you're off for all of them.

From now on I'll be relegated to B-list charity events.

Grubby little theatre companies and last year's diseases.

This often happens in these cases when two people separate ?

their friends choose one spouse over the other.

Surely they chose Maris because she's better connected and has more money than you do.

Exactly which part of that was meant to ease my pain?

Niles, I just think you're overreacting.

Oh wait, wait.

I know what happened. My invitation just got lost in the mail.

No ?it's not so far fetched. It could have been missorted... or a stamp could have fallen off...

or it could have been stolen by my mail carrier. Ho-downs are catnip to postal workers!

Well I'd ask you to explain that but then you would!

I'm going to check with the post office. You know ?

I heard a story on the news the other day about a man who bought a piano at auction and when he went to tune it he found a 40-year-old unmailed letter under the sounding board.

Perhaps we should contact Feronte and Tisha (sp.??) ?see if they have your invitation?

Poke fun now.

We'll see who feels foolish this Sunday when I'm sipping champagne atop a mechanical bull!

Cappuccino, please.

Roz, I want to get your take on something.

What?

Well.

Daphne and Joe are having sex in my apartment and it leaves me in a rather awkward position.

Doing what? Bending over to look through the keyhole?

Oh Frasier, come on, what is the big deal?

Well, let's just say that I'm sitting there listening to music, reading a book...

and Daphne and Joe are "back there."

So?

Well, it just makes me uncomfortable.

I'm going to ask Daphne not to sleep with Joe in the house anymore.

Is that too...?

Amish?

I was going to say selfish!

Oh, let's see. Please Daphne ?don't have sex. It disturbs my reading! No, that's not too selfish.

Well, I just don't think a man should be uncomfortable in his own home.

How am I supposed to relax when every giggle, every noise makes me... you know...?

Picture it?

Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. The very idea.

You're picturing it right now, aren't you?

Well, you made me.

Hey, Fras. Hey, Dad.

Is Daphne in?

Yeah, and if you have any sense you'll pretend that nothing happened this morning.

Ah, yes. Denial.

The sort of advice I'd expect from a man whose driver's license still lists his hair colour as brown.

It was until you came back to town!

Daphne. I think we need to discuss what happened this morning.

It's been bothering me all day. It was entirely my fault.

No, no. I share the blame.

We never did have a formal discussion about the rules of the house, especially when it comes to... you know...

I do want to apologise for any embarrassment I may have caused.

You see, we can't go to Joe's because he's still building his house and he sleeps on a friend's couch.

But I can assure you it will never happen again.

Well, then our business is concluded.

Meeting adjourned.

The next time Joe spends the night, I'll notify you well in advance.

Daphne. I was just reviewing the minutes of our last meeting.

There seems to be some confusion.

Oh?

You see, my quibble is not with the lack of notification.

I am just not comfortable with you and Joe sleeping together under my roof.

Oh, I see.

I'm sorry about that, but it is my room, isn't it?

Oh yes, yes. And I want you to feel comfortable living here.

I suppose it's more important for you to feel comfortable because, as you said, it is your roof.

Oh. Thank you for understanding.

Not at all. Joe and I are going away for the weekend but first thing Monday I'm going to start looking for me own place.

Guess who?

Daphne... em... I don't want you entertaining here but I also don't want you to move out.

Oh, I see. So you want me to stay, but just not have a personal life?

Well...

No, no. That works out fine for me.

I'll just spend all day waiting on you and your father, then in the evenings retire to me room, wrap meself in an Afghan and wait for the morning.

And if my whimpering gets too loud for you ?you can just have me fixed like Eddie!

That is not what I meant.

This is difficult for both of us, Daphne.

I have to express my feelings. I also don't want to lose you.

You're very important to me and my father.

That's why my solution is best.

I'll still be here during the day to take care of your father

but nights and weekends I'll just go home to my own place.

On top of which you can turn this room back into your beautiful study you used to have.

Well ?I suppose, what other choice do we have?

Of course it'll be a period of adjustment for all of us...

...I know how much you two care about me and consider me part of the family but...

You're picturing your study right now, aren't you?

Well, you made me!

She's such a groovy lady!

Morning, Dad.

Oh, morning.

You seen the phone?

Oh, I probably left it in my room again. Sorry.

Hey, I'm making breakfast Burritos. You want one?

I'll passo!

Suit yourself.

Dad. Whatever happened to the silk pajamas I bought you?

Oh, Frasier, they're too la-dee-da for me.

Besides, they shrank!

Whoa ?there go my tater-tots. You want a pile?

Not that I don't enjoy a "pile" of breakfast as much as the next guy but I still think no.

Dad, are you planning on going around like that all weekend?

Yeah, why not? Daphne's off on her little trip. It's just us guys.

Besides I've been wearing pants round here for three years. Enough!

I see. Look Dad, I just have to do this

Thank you All right.

Now, listen. It's no big deal but I couldn't find the remote control for the TV last night.

Now I thought we agreed that its place was on that table next to my chair.

What was it like in the old days when you actually had to get up to change the channel?

It was hell!

You expecting someone?

The contractor. I'm getting an estimate on restoring my study.

Why don't you use Joe?

I think Joe's done enough work in that room, thank you!

Henry. Thank you for coming on such short notice.

No sweat.

I'll just show you the room.

Oh, this is my father. Don't get up!

Like a cup of coffee?

That'd be great.

Fine. Look, the room is right down the hall there to the right. I'll meet you there.

OK.

Oh, Dad. This is a small thing but you left the sponge in the sink again.

So?

Well, as I mentioned last evening, if it stays wet, not only does it begin to smell but it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria.

So?

So. If I were to say wipe up that salsa that you spilled on the table just now I would be leaving behind bacteria such as salmonella, lysteria, flagella.

Now wouldn't that bother you?

Yeah, I guess you're right ?it would bother me.

I wouldn't dream of touching that sponge now!

Ah, yes. Our own foul-breathed little handy wet!

HE CRIED WITH HIS BOOTS ON

You've been leaving lights on in the apartment all weekend. You know what that does to the electric bill?

Suppose there's a nuclear power plant they had to build to keep that television on day and night?

You moved my chair again, didn't you?

No!

Oh well, maybe Eddie did it.

Eddie, you move my chair?

'Cause Frasier said he didn't do it and Frasier never messes around with my stuff.

All right, I moved your damn chair.

The way you have it turned ruins the symmetry of the room.

The sight line loses all flow.

Oh, the sight line. And here I thought it was for some dumb reason.

Would you get Eddie off of the couch, or else it's down through the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!

Well, howdy partner.

Save your snippy remarks.

Fair enough. Say, am I crazy or is there a bright golden haze on the meadow?

Stop it. I'm in the middle of a social crisis.

I just drove to the ho-down for the homeless assuming that Maris had simply neglected to forward my invitation.

Well, not only was I not on the guest list but Nelson, the parking attendant, said he missed me at "The Luau for Lupus."

Now it is official. I'm a social outcast.

Oh Niles, why do you even care about those people?

In your hour of need they pretend you don't even exist.

They treat you like you're a leper, a non-person.

But I really, really like them.

I know, I know ?it makes me sound pathetic. But

I'm newly separated. These people have been my social circle for ten years.

Frasier ?they're my tribe.

Well, I hate to break this to you, "Waltzes With Snobs," but

they have left you on the mountaintop to die!

Now Niles, maybe your friends wanted to invite you but they probably thought you'd be upset seeing Maris there.

Of course. You're absolutely right.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Oh, why are you so negative? These people do care about me.

Oh fine, very well. Why don't you just call them? Prove to me I'm wrong.

Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Where's your phone?

It's in my bedroom.

Where else would it be? And Dad's electric shaver is in the kitchen.

You see, all our appliances are on an adventure this weekend.

Well, are you proud of yourself, stirring things up?

Why didn't you just let him think his friends were doing him a favour?

Ah, yes. The Martin Crane approach. Better living through denial!

You did the same thing with Daphne. You couldn't just pretend that nothing was going on back there.

Dad, I'm a psychiatrist. I don't pretend. I confront. I resolve.

Oh yeah, you really resolved this. Now she's moving out.

You know, I swear you just go looking for trouble.

Oh, that is so untrue.

AND PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN THIS!!!

A grown man's obsession with a sponge? No, I can't!

For the last two days I've asked you again and again as politely as I can to wring out the sponge.

But you don't even have the consideration to respect my feelings.

Because your feelings are stupid!

But they're my feelings! And important to me!

And because of that you should have the courtesy to respect them.

Just like you respect my feelings when I asked you not to move my chair.

Oh, that makes no sense at all.

Oh, all right. You want me to dry that sponge? 'll dry that sponge!

Give it about a minute. Oh, that's mature.

Oh, boy ?you know what a tortured little world you live in?

Newspapers strewn all over the place. Sponge germs coming after you.

It's a wonder you can sleep at night!

Oh, my dreams get me by.

Like the one where I strap you in your chair and run around the house turning on all the lights...

...even in the rooms I'm nowhere near. Boy, that electric meter must really be spinning now!

Evening, all. Did you boys have a nice weekend?

Barrel of laughs!

Well, I had the loveliest time.

Hey ?Off!

We found this little bed-and-breakfast right up the coast.

I talked my decision over with Joe,

and he agreed it really is the best thing for everyone.

Of course I'll still be here during the day to help your father with his exercises.

But nights and weekends it'll just be you two carefree bachelors getting into trouble together.

I'm usually just underfoot around here anyway.

So you see, my decision is best for everyone.

Well, I've had a long weekend, so good night.

Night, Daphne.

Frasier.

What?

You know how an Oreo has that soft creamy filling between two hard cookies?

That's what keeps them together?

See your point, Dad.

Daphne's kind of the centre.

I'll go and talk to her.

Now, you and me, we'd be the cookie part.

I get it!

May I come in?

Yes, of course. Thank you, Daphne.

Daphne... er... you can't go. You have to stay.

I've only just recently realised how important you are to us.

You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other.

I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense.

Dad and I ?both dead!

Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.

You don't really want that on your conscience, do you?

No, of course not. Truth is, I do still think of this place as my home.

But I know you'd never be comfortable knowing Joe and I were...

I'd be willing to try.

I know you better than that. It'll bother you and we'll both be miserable.

Why can't I get past this?

Oh, it'd just be easier if I could be like my father pretending you weren't in here making love.

Making love? Is that what you think we were doing?

Yes, of course.

Oh no. There was nothing like that going on in here.

Really?

Seems rather implausible. I'd like to believe that and believe me I really do want to... er...

how can I?

Well, how could Joe and I make love? What with... er... Joe's war injury?

I didn't even know Joe was a soldier. What war would that be?

The Falkland Islands.

But that was a British conflict and Joe's not...

His parents have a summerhouse there!

Oh, that's very unfortunate.

Having a summerhouse in a war zone. But how-?

He was kicked by a sheep.

A sheep?

Yes, a sheep ?spooked by an air raid siren. Work with me.

Oh, I see. So, what you're saying is that Joe...

Can't.

Ah.

Well, I suppose that changes everything.

Ys, I suppose it does.

But just so as we're clear - even though there's no actual lovemaking,

Joe and I can on occasion, say, read poems to each other in here at night?

As long as you don't read too loudly.

She's staying.

Turns out they're sleeping together but not having sex.

See, they can't have sex because of an injury Joe suffered when kicked by a spooked sheep during an air raid while his family were vacationing in the Falkland Islands during the war.

Well, Dad was right. They are my real friends.

It was all just a misunderstanding.

Apparently the social chairman's dog ate my invitation.

And the poor animal had to go to the vet and with all the confusion they forgot to send me another, and

when I offered my new address for next year's party, they said, "no need ?we'll see you around."

I'm going to start wearing sweat pants. That damned drier again.

Hey, you guys want some cookies? They're reduced fat.

Really? That means we can eat twice as many.