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1
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DIRTY GRANDPA
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3
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,965
So I said,
"If opposing counsel's
4
00:02:14,966 --> 00:02:17,400
"invoking fiduciary
liability precedent
5
00:02:17,401 --> 00:02:19,032
"under the terms of
Landgraf v. Henson,
6
00:02:19,033 --> 00:02:21,932
"Your Honor, please,
by all means, go ahead,
7
00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,066
"rescind the plaintiff's
de facto petition
8
00:02:24,067 --> 00:02:25,634
"for injunctive relief."
9
00:02:26,799 --> 00:02:28,366
- It was fun. It was fun.
- Yeah.
10
00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:29,931
Excuse me, gentlemen.
I'll be right back.
11
00:02:29,932 --> 00:02:32,299
So funny.
"Injunctive relief."
12
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:34,066
That tickled my funny bone.
13
00:02:36,433 --> 00:02:37,599
What's up, Nick?
14
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,133
Fucking sucks dick
about Grandma?
15
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,298
Yeah.
16
00:02:43,299 --> 00:02:44,966
Old woman fucking
murdered like that.
17
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:46,998
Nick, she had cancer.
18
00:02:46,999 --> 00:02:48,599
We'll never
know the truth.
19
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:50,464
- We absolutely know the truth.
- Yeah.
20
00:02:50,465 --> 00:02:52,365
Grandma had cancer
for 10 years.
21
00:02:52,366 --> 00:02:53,934
You don't just die
from cancer, Jason!
22
00:02:54,933 --> 00:02:56,432
Calm down...
23
00:02:56,433 --> 00:02:58,865
I'll see you at the
crossroads, Grandma.
24
00:02:58,866 --> 00:03:00,666
What are you doing? Are you kidding me?
Right now?
25
00:03:01,767 --> 00:03:02,965
Hey, get your
shit together!
26
00:03:02,966 --> 00:03:04,665
My dad and my fiancee
27
00:03:04,666 --> 00:03:06,432
are literally standing
right next to us.
28
00:03:06,433 --> 00:03:07,699
- Beyonce's here?
- No.
29
00:03:08,932 --> 00:03:10,066
What is that?
30
00:03:11,500 --> 00:03:12,731
- What are you doing?
- I'm just...
31
00:03:12,732 --> 00:03:13,599
Are you fucking
high right now?
32
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:15,064
No, this isn't...
33
00:03:15,065 --> 00:03:16,598
- You're high as a kite!
- It's an e-cigarette.
34
00:03:16,599 --> 00:03:17,797
It's filled
with a little weed,
35
00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,398
but it's an e-cigarette.
36
00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:21,032
Grow up, man!
What are you doing?
37
00:03:21,033 --> 00:03:24,332
"Grow up"?
How adult are you?
38
00:03:24,333 --> 00:03:26,630
What, do you listen
to NPR in your Volvo?
39
00:03:26,631 --> 00:03:27,698
You play racquetball
competitively
40
00:03:27,699 --> 00:03:28,464
against business
associates?
41
00:03:28,465 --> 00:03:29,797
No. No.
42
00:03:29,798 --> 00:03:30,697
You ever go away
to a rented house
43
00:03:30,698 --> 00:03:32,064
with other couples
44
00:03:32,065 --> 00:03:33,997
and then play Scattergories
over a bottle of white wine?
45
00:03:33,998 --> 00:03:35,199
Jason.
46
00:03:41,465 --> 00:03:43,832
I just blew a shot at
your grandma's memory.
47
00:04:08,865 --> 00:04:10,131
Poor Grandpa...
48
00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:35,064
Our first reading
is from Deuteronomy 30:19.
49
00:04:37,765 --> 00:04:41,496
"This day I call
the heavens and the earth
50
00:04:41,497 --> 00:04:42,931
"as a witness against you..."
51
00:04:44,498 --> 00:04:46,029
"...that I have set before you
life and death..."
52
00:04:46,030 --> 00:04:48,063
Hey, babe, I found the tie
you're going to wear
53
00:04:48,064 --> 00:04:50,896
to the rehearsal
brunch Sunday.
54
00:04:50,897 --> 00:04:53,728
Do you like the coral
color or the salmon?
55
00:04:53,729 --> 00:04:55,530
"...that the race
is not to the swift..."
56
00:04:55,531 --> 00:04:56,929
Either one.
57
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:58,198
"...nor the battle
to the strong."
58
00:04:59,829 --> 00:05:02,429
Babe, what's wrong?
59
00:05:02,430 --> 00:05:04,264
Coral or salmon?
60
00:05:05,462 --> 00:05:06,662
Well, what do you like?
61
00:05:06,663 --> 00:05:07,962
I mean...
I like the coral.
62
00:05:07,963 --> 00:05:09,632
That's what
I was going to say, too.
63
00:05:10,764 --> 00:05:12,198
- Okay, cool. Okay.
- Okay.
64
00:05:13,930 --> 00:05:15,631
Coral it is!
65
00:05:17,363 --> 00:05:18,531
It's going to be
a special day.
66
00:05:18,963 --> 00:05:21,395
"...now choose life,
67
00:05:21,396 --> 00:05:24,163
"so that you
and your children shall live."
68
00:05:28,062 --> 00:05:29,962
Anyway, I'm down
in Valdosta right now.
69
00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:31,596
I opened up
a fucking pet shop...
70
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:33,729
Not pet shop,
"puppy mill."
71
00:05:33,730 --> 00:05:35,029
Puppy mill...
72
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:37,295
You know, designer dogs
get a bad name,
73
00:05:37,296 --> 00:05:37,928
but they can go
for quite a pretty penny.
74
00:05:37,929 --> 00:05:39,663
Really?
75
00:05:39,664 --> 00:05:40,894
It's just hard
to get them to mate.
76
00:05:40,895 --> 00:05:43,396
Because the little dogs,
77
00:05:43,397 --> 00:05:45,462
they don't wanna
fuck the big dogs,
78
00:05:45,463 --> 00:05:47,061
and the big dogs, they don't
wanna fuck the little dogs...
79
00:05:47,062 --> 00:05:49,861
So I gotta manually
do it, you know.
80
00:05:49,862 --> 00:05:52,495
I gotta spread
and manually shoot in.
81
00:05:52,496 --> 00:05:54,560
So, what's up with you?
82
00:05:54,561 --> 00:05:55,329
Well, I'm keeping
pretty busy...
83
00:05:55,330 --> 00:05:56,460
Cool.
84
00:05:56,461 --> 00:05:57,894
Hey, Diane,
85
00:05:57,895 --> 00:05:59,296
- how's it going?
- Hi, Nick.
86
00:05:59,297 --> 00:06:00,494
Hey, Nick.
87
00:06:00,495 --> 00:06:01,728
I just don't understand
88
00:06:01,729 --> 00:06:02,795
why you have
to drive down to Florida
89
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:03,962
tomorrow already, Dad!
90
00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:05,695
We just had the funeral.
91
00:06:05,696 --> 00:06:06,695
Your grandmother
and I were there
92
00:06:06,696 --> 00:06:07,961
at this time
every year.
93
00:06:07,962 --> 00:06:09,029
It's what
she would have wanted.
94
00:06:09,030 --> 00:06:10,361
I'd drive down myself,
95
00:06:10,362 --> 00:06:12,994
except they took
my license away.
96
00:06:12,995 --> 00:06:15,294
But why does Jason have
to be the one to drive you?
97
00:06:15,295 --> 00:06:16,728
He's so busy at work...
98
00:06:16,729 --> 00:06:18,027
Got the wedding
coming up next weekend,
99
00:06:18,028 --> 00:06:19,561
the rehearsal brunch.
100
00:06:19,562 --> 00:06:22,328
You know, the entire law
firm is coming to this.
101
00:06:22,329 --> 00:06:23,560
- It's true, Grandpa.
- Jason...
102
00:06:23,561 --> 00:06:24,662
We have a lot of stuff,
Meredith and I...
103
00:06:24,663 --> 00:06:25,663
I'll handle it.
104
00:06:26,729 --> 00:06:28,427
Go ahead.
105
00:06:28,428 --> 00:06:31,295
How about Cousin Nick?
Dad?
106
00:06:31,296 --> 00:06:32,860
Why doesn't Nick do it?
107
00:06:32,861 --> 00:06:34,860
We got this chocolate Lab
down at the store
108
00:06:34,861 --> 00:06:36,661
that is just so horny,
109
00:06:36,662 --> 00:06:38,061
every time I touch
the back of its ear,
110
00:06:38,062 --> 00:06:40,693
it just gushes cum.
111
00:06:40,694 --> 00:06:42,494
- Okay.
- I mean, like a squirting...
112
00:06:42,495 --> 00:06:43,663
Is that your dog?
113
00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:45,760
Nick isn't
legally allowed
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00:06:45,761 --> 00:06:47,727
to leave the state
of Georgia anymore.
115
00:06:47,728 --> 00:06:49,994
I've barely seen this guy
since high school.
116
00:06:49,995 --> 00:06:51,894
What's wrong with spending
some time with him?
117
00:06:51,895 --> 00:06:53,394
So spending time
with family
118
00:06:53,395 --> 00:06:54,794
is suddenly
important to you now?
119
00:06:54,795 --> 00:06:56,326
Look, he can come here
120
00:06:56,327 --> 00:06:57,227
tomorrow morning
for breakfast.
121
00:06:57,228 --> 00:06:58,961
We can drive down
to Boca during the day,
122
00:06:58,962 --> 00:07:01,526
maybe play a round
of golf or two,
123
00:07:01,527 --> 00:07:03,327
then he'd be back here
in Atlanta the next day.
124
00:07:03,328 --> 00:07:05,594
He can't just
flake off for two days!
125
00:07:05,595 --> 00:07:06,961
The risk versus reward
here is just...
126
00:07:06,962 --> 00:07:09,494
I don't see it happening.
127
00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:11,662
It's what she would
have wanted, that's all.
128
00:07:13,661 --> 00:07:15,926
But if you have to get
ready for your wedding,
129
00:07:15,927 --> 00:07:17,529
if you're that busy...
130
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,460
I just don't understand
why he wants you to take him.
131
00:07:28,461 --> 00:07:30,326
You're not even that close.
132
00:07:30,327 --> 00:07:32,394
Well, we used to be.
133
00:07:32,395 --> 00:07:33,593
Grandpa and I got along
growing up.
134
00:07:33,594 --> 00:07:35,525
We used to build these
135
00:07:35,526 --> 00:07:37,659
model trains every Christmas,
so I brought him...
136
00:07:37,660 --> 00:07:38,427
Well, it seems like
we're cutting it
137
00:07:38,428 --> 00:07:39,859
a little close
here, you know,
138
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,027
with the rehearsal
brunch on Friday...
139
00:07:41,459 --> 00:07:43,559
I know. I know.
140
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,027
And by the way,
I can't find any
141
00:07:45,028 --> 00:07:46,859
of the Martha's Vineyard
vacation photos
142
00:07:46,860 --> 00:07:48,393
for the slide show.
143
00:07:48,394 --> 00:07:49,726
I'm just freaking out.
144
00:07:49,727 --> 00:07:50,793
That's because
they're on my laptop,
145
00:07:50,794 --> 00:07:52,293
which I've got right here.
146
00:07:52,294 --> 00:07:53,626
So I'll send them
to the wedding planner.
147
00:07:53,627 --> 00:07:54,426
You don't have to worry
about anything.
148
00:07:54,427 --> 00:07:55,959
Thanks.
149
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,959
And your dad says take 75,
because 16 takes forever.
150
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:01,525
Yeah, I know. He's got
it all mapped out for me.
151
00:08:01,526 --> 00:08:03,492
And can you take
my car, sweetie?
152
00:08:03,493 --> 00:08:05,159
I need
the SUV for the wine.
153
00:08:20,825 --> 00:08:22,060
Grandpa?
154
00:08:25,825 --> 00:08:26,994
Grandpa?
155
00:08:50,526 --> 00:08:51,660
Grandpa?
156
00:09:02,426 --> 00:09:03,793
Hey! You made it!
157
00:09:05,059 --> 00:09:06,524
Give me a minute...
158
00:09:06,525 --> 00:09:08,559
God! Shit!
159
00:09:09,558 --> 00:09:10,593
Grab my ass!
160
00:09:13,758 --> 00:09:15,658
- You ready to hit the road?
- I'm really sorry, Grandpa.
161
00:09:15,659 --> 00:09:18,823
I didn't think
you'd be doing that.
162
00:09:18,824 --> 00:09:20,557
So you caught me
taking a number three.
163
00:09:20,558 --> 00:09:21,690
Big deal, right?
164
00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:23,390
Number three?
165
00:09:23,391 --> 00:09:25,024
Have a drink.
166
00:09:25,025 --> 00:09:28,457
...No.
I'm driving, so...
167
00:09:28,458 --> 00:09:30,624
I just got to finish up
my exercises,
168
00:09:30,625 --> 00:09:34,026
and then we'll
hop on 16 to 95.
169
00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:38,956
Dad says we should take 75 to 95.
It's more direct.
170
00:09:38,957 --> 00:09:41,424
Dad's full of shit.
171
00:09:41,425 --> 00:09:42,526
Grandpa, are you
sure you're okay?
172
00:09:45,024 --> 00:09:46,756
Thanks for doing this,
by the way.
173
00:09:46,757 --> 00:09:48,024
Those fuckheads
down at the DMV
174
00:09:48,025 --> 00:09:49,691
took my goddamn
license away
175
00:09:49,692 --> 00:09:51,524
because of these fucking
cataracts in my eye.
176
00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:52,756
But I can still
hit the shit
177
00:09:52,757 --> 00:09:54,390
out of a golf ball,
that's for sure!
178
00:09:54,391 --> 00:09:55,790
I made a tee time
for us in Florida
179
00:09:55,791 --> 00:09:57,756
for this afternoon.
180
00:09:57,757 --> 00:09:59,423
You can use your
grandmother's lady clubs,
181
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:00,823
they're right there
by the front door.
182
00:10:00,824 --> 00:10:02,092
Okay.
183
00:10:03,423 --> 00:10:05,023
All right,
you ready?
184
00:10:05,024 --> 00:10:06,722
I thought the plan was
to have breakfast here?
185
00:10:06,723 --> 00:10:08,389
That's your breakfast.
186
00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:09,957
Now let's go get in that
giant labia you drove up in
187
00:10:09,958 --> 00:10:11,092
and get the fuck
out of here.
188
00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:26,556
You sure I should be driving
with this, Grandpa?
189
00:10:26,557 --> 00:10:28,390
Don't worry,
if you spill it,
190
00:10:28,391 --> 00:10:29,624
this giant tampon we're
driving in should soak it up.
191
00:10:37,324 --> 00:10:41,355
Just finishing
a work email
192
00:10:41,356 --> 00:10:44,290
for the Steinhart
file...
193
00:10:46,790 --> 00:10:48,658
So you're a lawyer at your
dad's firm now, is that right?
194
00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:51,454
That's right,
and Meredith is too.
195
00:10:51,455 --> 00:10:52,588
You know,
her dad is one of
196
00:10:52,589 --> 00:10:53,755
the managing
partners there, so...
197
00:10:53,756 --> 00:10:55,723
- I know, that's...
- Yeah.
198
00:10:56,922 --> 00:10:58,721
It couldn't have
worked out better.
199
00:10:58,722 --> 00:10:59,422
Because it's just
that I remember
200
00:10:59,423 --> 00:11:00,988
when you were
in high school,
201
00:11:00,989 --> 00:11:02,521
you told me how much you
wanted to be a photographer,
202
00:11:02,522 --> 00:11:04,157
travel the world.
That sort of thing.
203
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:06,488
You remember when
I got you that subscription
204
00:11:06,489 --> 00:11:07,657
to Time magazine?
205
00:11:08,957 --> 00:11:12,054
Yeah, I used to be into
photography, but...
206
00:11:12,055 --> 00:11:14,388
I mean, with Dad being
at the firm, pfft,
207
00:11:14,389 --> 00:11:15,689
it just made
so much more sense
208
00:11:15,690 --> 00:11:17,655
to focus on
a college curriculum
209
00:11:17,656 --> 00:11:19,421
that stressed
the law school track.
210
00:11:19,422 --> 00:11:20,855
I mean, I love what I do,
Grandpa.
211
00:11:20,856 --> 00:11:21,888
Being a corporate lawyer
is awesome,
212
00:11:21,889 --> 00:11:23,624
I get to handle
SEC compliance...
213
00:11:24,056 --> 00:11:25,173
No shit!
214
00:11:25,174 --> 00:11:26,322
Yeah. Yeah.
215
00:11:26,323 --> 00:11:28,388
You handle SEC compliance?
216
00:11:28,389 --> 00:11:29,589
LP agreements.
217
00:11:29,590 --> 00:11:31,788
Man, I didn't know that.
218
00:11:31,789 --> 00:11:33,040
LLC agreements.
219
00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:34,321
You're shitting me!
220
00:11:34,322 --> 00:11:36,023
Being a corporate lawyer,
it's got its upsides.
221
00:11:37,423 --> 00:11:38,055
You know what
I'd rather do?
222
00:11:38,056 --> 00:11:39,854
What?
223
00:11:39,855 --> 00:11:42,588
I'd rather let Queen Latifah
shit in my mouth
224
00:11:42,589 --> 00:11:43,956
from a fucking
hot air balloon.
225
00:11:45,722 --> 00:11:47,720
That's me. I'm gonna hit the
liquor store over there,
226
00:11:47,721 --> 00:11:48,987
get some more
of the creature.
227
00:11:48,988 --> 00:11:50,721
Meet you back
at the Dildomobile in five.
228
00:11:50,722 --> 00:11:53,256
You're paying the check,
Alan Douche-owitz.
229
00:11:56,522 --> 00:11:59,621
Where do I know that guy from?
He looks so familiar.
230
00:11:59,622 --> 00:12:01,620
He looks like Abercrombie
fucked Fitch.
231
00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:04,388
Yeah,
while J.Crew J'd-off.
232
00:12:04,389 --> 00:12:05,823
Shit! No, you guys, he was...
It's so funny.
233
00:12:06,422 --> 00:12:07,887
He was my lab partner
234
00:12:07,888 --> 00:12:09,721
in photography class,
freshman year.
235
00:12:09,722 --> 00:12:12,720
No shit!
He's a Florida alum?
236
00:12:12,721 --> 00:12:14,954
Lenore, you can totally
finish the trifecta.
237
00:12:14,955 --> 00:12:17,420
My God, I already
have alum, remember?
238
00:12:17,421 --> 00:12:19,754
I fucked that crying
divorced guy, Tony.
239
00:12:19,755 --> 00:12:21,488
- With the big balls.
- Right. Yeah.
240
00:12:21,489 --> 00:12:22,654
- In the porta-potty.
- Yeah.
241
00:12:22,655 --> 00:12:23,886
- At the tailgate.
- Yeah.
242
00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:25,488
I need a professor.
243
00:12:25,489 --> 00:12:26,889
Wait, I'm sorry.
What's the trifecta again?
244
00:12:28,389 --> 00:12:30,487
It's this thing
I read about
245
00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:32,819
where in my senior year
I have to fuck a freshman,
246
00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,619
an alumni,
and a professor.
247
00:12:34,620 --> 00:12:36,255
- Where did you read that?
- In my diary.
248
00:12:38,487 --> 00:12:40,021
- Where I wrote it...
- Yeah.
249
00:12:40,022 --> 00:12:42,720
He used to take the most
beautiful portraits
250
00:12:42,721 --> 00:12:44,719
without using any filters
or Photoshop...
251
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:45,989
I've read your diary.
252
00:12:46,454 --> 00:12:47,620
He was amazing.
253
00:12:47,621 --> 00:12:48,854
My God, you did?
254
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:50,021
- Yeah.
- Did you like it?
255
00:12:50,022 --> 00:12:52,052
You guys aren't listening.
I'm gonna go say hi to him.
256
00:12:52,053 --> 00:12:53,787
- Okay?
- Slut...
257
00:12:55,287 --> 00:12:58,052
I hope you don't get
Tommy Hilfingered.
258
00:12:58,053 --> 00:13:00,620
That was really late,
but it still counts.
259
00:13:00,621 --> 00:13:02,653
Just like
all my periods...
260
00:13:02,654 --> 00:13:03,655
- Ew.
- What?
261
00:13:07,321 --> 00:13:10,386
Hi. How are you?
262
00:13:10,387 --> 00:13:12,786
Good. Here you go,
you can keep the change.
263
00:13:12,787 --> 00:13:15,588
No, no, no.
I'm not... You...
264
00:13:18,021 --> 00:13:19,088
Okay.
265
00:13:23,619 --> 00:13:25,518
Guys?
Guys, listen to me.
266
00:13:25,519 --> 00:13:26,918
What?
267
00:13:26,919 --> 00:13:28,552
- Let's go.
- Bitch, what?
268
00:13:28,553 --> 00:13:29,988
- Shut the fuck up! Go!
- My God!
269
00:13:32,854 --> 00:13:34,785
You all set?
270
00:13:34,786 --> 00:13:38,318
Yeah, I just gave my money
to the other waitress, sorry.
271
00:13:38,319 --> 00:13:40,686
There is no
other waitress.
272
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:44,385
I'm the only one who's
ever worked here. Ever...
273
00:13:44,386 --> 00:13:46,020
Shit! The fucking piece
of shit car never starts!
274
00:13:46,619 --> 00:13:47,787
Hey!
275
00:13:48,352 --> 00:13:50,051
Hey!
276
00:13:50,052 --> 00:13:52,821
God, he's like
a Mitt Romney Terminator.
277
00:13:54,053 --> 00:13:56,386
Excuse me!
278
00:13:56,387 --> 00:13:57,988
Sorry, my shift is actually over, so...
Sorry...
279
00:13:59,287 --> 00:14:00,687
- No way.
- What?
280
00:14:01,618 --> 00:14:02,785
I know you.
281
00:14:02,786 --> 00:14:03,984
No.
282
00:14:03,985 --> 00:14:05,451
Yeah, I do. You were
in my photography class.
283
00:14:05,452 --> 00:14:07,653
You took all those
landscapes. Right?
284
00:14:08,519 --> 00:14:10,053
Shadia.
285
00:14:10,420 --> 00:14:11,751
Yeah. Shadia.
286
00:14:11,752 --> 00:14:14,319
Holy shit,
you're Shadia?
287
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:15,717
- Yeah. Shadia.
- Shadia.
288
00:14:15,718 --> 00:14:16,851
Jamba!
289
00:14:16,852 --> 00:14:18,384
What the fuck!
290
00:14:18,385 --> 00:14:20,852
Shadia. It means
"singer" in Arabic.
291
00:14:20,853 --> 00:14:22,052
Or in ancient Arabic,
292
00:14:22,053 --> 00:14:24,852
"al-munshida
alati tunadi lel-mei."
293
00:14:24,853 --> 00:14:26,918
Or, "she whose name
calls others to water."
294
00:14:26,919 --> 00:14:28,417
That's actually right.
295
00:14:28,418 --> 00:14:29,952
Shadia,
this is my...
296
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,553
Dr. Richards. I teach history
at the University of Georgia.
297
00:14:32,519 --> 00:14:34,517
You're a professor?
298
00:14:34,518 --> 00:14:35,919
Yeah. Why? You looking
for some extra credit?
299
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:39,684
Jason and I are doing
a story on the Middle East.
300
00:14:39,685 --> 00:14:42,484
He's a photographer
for Time magazine.
301
00:14:42,485 --> 00:14:45,384
You know, I lost my virginity
at my pop-pop's bingo night.
302
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,218
My name's Lenore.
303
00:14:47,685 --> 00:14:49,284
"The rare
and radiant maiden
304
00:14:49,285 --> 00:14:51,651
"whom the angels
named Lenore"
305
00:14:51,652 --> 00:14:52,985
"Quoth the Raven,
'Nevermore'"
306
00:14:54,717 --> 00:14:55,950
Diplomaticos?
307
00:14:55,951 --> 00:14:59,716
Hey, you know your cigars.
308
00:14:59,717 --> 00:15:00,816
What are you,
half Cuban or something?
309
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,586
Actually, I am, Professor.
310
00:15:06,484 --> 00:15:07,884
- The bottom half.
- Okay.
311
00:15:07,885 --> 00:15:09,683
- Okay, yeah, we're heading out.
- Yeah.
312
00:15:09,684 --> 00:15:11,483
Good to see you. We're going
to Daytona Beach for the week.
313
00:15:11,484 --> 00:15:12,417
My God, and we
should have been there
314
00:15:12,418 --> 00:15:13,917
three fucking hours ago,
315
00:15:13,918 --> 00:15:15,684
so let's go, bitches!
316
00:15:15,685 --> 00:15:17,069
Holy shit.
317
00:15:17,070 --> 00:15:18,484
What?
318
00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:20,717
Nothing.
You're just really gay.
319
00:15:20,718 --> 00:15:24,349
Am I?
Thanks, Captain Gaydar.
320
00:15:24,350 --> 00:15:26,751
Jesus! You know,
I'm also black, right?
321
00:15:26,752 --> 00:15:28,983
Yeah, I know.
That's funny too.
322
00:15:28,984 --> 00:15:30,986
So you guys wanna tag
along for a bit maybe?
323
00:15:31,785 --> 00:15:33,716
Party some babies
into us?
324
00:15:33,717 --> 00:15:34,915
- Absolutely not!
- Absolutely not!
325
00:15:34,916 --> 00:15:36,184
Why?
326
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:37,484
We have
327
00:15:37,485 --> 00:15:39,617
- a very important tee time.
- Of course you do.
328
00:15:39,618 --> 00:15:41,317
And do you also have to take a
nap before you play Mahjong?
329
00:15:41,318 --> 00:15:42,384
- No, it's shuffleboard.
- Shuffleboard.
330
00:15:42,385 --> 00:15:44,383
And then early
dinner at 4:00.
331
00:15:44,384 --> 00:15:46,417
We have a long-standing
bet. Who's the better golfer.
332
00:15:46,418 --> 00:15:48,650
Obviously I've got
the bigger 3-wood...
333
00:15:48,651 --> 00:15:49,915
Good. Maybe you can use it
to hit your balls
334
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:51,783
right into my vagina.
335
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,683
- Holy shit!
- Okay, we're going inside now.
336
00:15:53,684 --> 00:15:55,349
- Jesus!
- Let's go. That's enough.
337
00:15:55,350 --> 00:15:56,851
- Bye, Professor.
- Thanks for lunch.
338
00:15:57,384 --> 00:15:58,519
Peace!
339
00:16:00,784 --> 00:16:02,616
- Nice girl.
- Yeah.
340
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:19,448
Well? How do I look?
341
00:16:19,449 --> 00:16:21,516
Like the keynote speaker at
a buttfucking convention.
342
00:16:21,517 --> 00:16:22,848
- What?
- What?
343
00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,049
- What?
- What?
344
00:16:25,283 --> 00:16:25,882
We're gonna write
in the first hole,
345
00:16:25,883 --> 00:16:27,650
it's an easy par-4.
346
00:16:27,651 --> 00:16:29,515
- No, no, no, no. Hey...
- Jump in.
347
00:16:29,516 --> 00:16:30,849
This is against
the rules, Grandpa.
348
00:16:30,850 --> 00:16:32,282
Fuck the rules.
Jump in. Come on.
349
00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:34,550
Not to mention,
a breach in golf etiquette.
350
00:16:35,950 --> 00:16:37,649
Beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep!
351
00:16:37,650 --> 00:16:38,715
- Hey!
- Out of my way, buttfuckers!
352
00:16:38,716 --> 00:16:39,949
Really? What are you doing?
353
00:16:39,950 --> 00:16:42,315
We gotta get this guy
to his buttfucking convention.
354
00:16:42,316 --> 00:16:43,715
What are you
trying to do, man?
355
00:16:43,716 --> 00:16:45,282
What was that all about?
356
00:16:45,283 --> 00:16:47,715
Hey. Now there's
a million-dollar swing!
357
00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:49,415
I'm sorry!
358
00:16:49,416 --> 00:16:50,814
You can go in front of us
if you want to.
359
00:16:50,815 --> 00:16:52,881
We are not very good.
360
00:16:52,882 --> 00:16:54,281
No, it's a good cut,
361
00:16:54,282 --> 00:16:56,848
you're just not bending
your knees enough.
362
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,447
I'm a licensed golf pro.
You mind if I show you?
363
00:16:58,448 --> 00:16:59,717
Yes, please.
364
00:17:01,316 --> 00:17:03,848
Maybe bend over
a little bit... Here.
365
00:17:03,849 --> 00:17:05,515
That feels about right,
doesn't it?
366
00:17:05,516 --> 00:17:07,516
Hands on my shaft...
The shaft.
367
00:17:08,649 --> 00:17:10,281
Let me just get
my finger in there.
368
00:17:10,282 --> 00:17:13,050
One, two, three...
369
00:17:14,415 --> 00:17:17,747
My God! Did you see that?
Thank you!
370
00:17:17,748 --> 00:17:19,713
How long have you
been teaching golf?
371
00:17:19,714 --> 00:17:21,980
Ever since I retired
from being an astronaut.
372
00:17:21,981 --> 00:17:24,182
It's nice to see some heavenly
bodies around here too.
373
00:17:25,614 --> 00:17:26,714
Hey, Grandpa,
don't you think we should
374
00:17:26,715 --> 00:17:27,882
probably start golfing soon...
375
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:30,413
What the fuck?
376
00:17:30,414 --> 00:17:32,015
Wanna be a lamb
and get that for me?
377
00:17:32,016 --> 00:17:33,015
Did he just
call you "Grandpa"?
378
00:17:33,016 --> 00:17:34,648
Who, Pepe?
379
00:17:34,649 --> 00:17:36,547
He's a retard.
Got it pretty bad, too.
380
00:17:36,548 --> 00:17:39,413
He thinks I'm his grandpa.
381
00:17:39,414 --> 00:17:42,015
He usually sits at home just
drawing dolphins all day.
382
00:17:42,016 --> 00:17:43,913
We used to let him
out on his own,
383
00:17:43,914 --> 00:17:45,982
but the raping got so bad
that we just...
384
00:17:48,514 --> 00:17:50,546
Got it.
385
00:17:50,547 --> 00:17:51,447
- You guys want a refill?
- Sure.
386
00:17:51,448 --> 00:17:52,447
Absolutely!
387
00:17:52,448 --> 00:17:53,582
BRB!
388
00:17:55,914 --> 00:17:57,280
I'm sorry about
my grandpa.
389
00:17:57,281 --> 00:17:59,713
He's...
He's not doing too well.
390
00:17:59,714 --> 00:18:02,281
My grandma just passed and
the funeral was yesterday.
391
00:18:04,415 --> 00:18:06,516
I'm actually a lawyer,
not a retard.
392
00:18:07,914 --> 00:18:09,480
I handle of lot
of important issues.
393
00:18:09,481 --> 00:18:12,580
SEC compliance,
394
00:18:12,581 --> 00:18:14,748
LLC agreements. LP agreements.
That sort of stuff.
395
00:18:17,382 --> 00:18:19,748
Yeah, well, I think
we're gonna get going.
396
00:18:21,282 --> 00:18:22,781
- Nice to meet you, Pepe.
- Nice...
397
00:18:25,380 --> 00:18:26,914
Fuck!
398
00:18:28,413 --> 00:18:29,748
What happened?
399
00:18:30,648 --> 00:18:31,847
Why are they going?
What did you do?
400
00:18:31,848 --> 00:18:33,780
What? I told
them the truth.
401
00:18:33,781 --> 00:18:35,480
I told them that I'm getting
married next week,
402
00:18:35,481 --> 00:18:38,380
and you're not well
because your wife just died.
403
00:18:38,381 --> 00:18:39,880
What are you,
fucking vagina repellent?
404
00:18:39,881 --> 00:18:40,947
Those cougars
wanted to party!
405
00:18:40,948 --> 00:18:42,445
- They wanted to party?
- Yes!
406
00:18:42,446 --> 00:18:43,912
Do you hear yourself?
407
00:18:43,913 --> 00:18:45,046
Grandpa, are you kidding
me right now? Grandma...
408
00:18:45,047 --> 00:18:46,512
I'm trying
to listen to myself.
409
00:18:46,513 --> 00:18:48,045
Grandma's funeral
was yesterday!
410
00:18:48,046 --> 00:18:49,779
Now you wanna
hit on college girls?
411
00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:52,745
You're jerking off to porn?
412
00:18:52,746 --> 00:18:54,613
- What's wrong with you?
- Jason, I want to fuck!
413
00:18:54,614 --> 00:18:55,879
My God...
414
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:57,479
For the first time
in 40 years
415
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,412
I'm single and
I want to fuck.
416
00:18:59,413 --> 00:19:00,712
I want to fuck
417
00:19:00,713 --> 00:19:02,678
until my dick falls off.
418
00:19:02,679 --> 00:19:05,345
I want to fuck a horse
and I wanna drink its blood!
419
00:19:05,346 --> 00:19:06,578
I'm gonna throw up.
420
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:07,778
I was faithful
to your grandmother
421
00:19:07,779 --> 00:19:10,478
every day for 40 years,
422
00:19:10,479 --> 00:19:12,745
even through the menopause,
even through the cancer.
423
00:19:12,746 --> 00:19:14,012
She was the love of my life.
424
00:19:14,013 --> 00:19:16,013
I'll miss her
every goddamn day.
425
00:19:16,014 --> 00:19:18,013
But she told me
on her deathbed,
426
00:19:18,014 --> 00:19:20,045
"You get back
out there again."
427
00:19:20,046 --> 00:19:22,779
I haven't had sex
in 15 years, Jason,
428
00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:24,511
and I want to fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
429
00:19:24,512 --> 00:19:26,478
So that's what
this is all about?
430
00:19:26,479 --> 00:19:28,445
This whole thing. You
didn't want to be with me.
431
00:19:28,446 --> 00:19:29,811
You wanted me
to drive you down to Boca
432
00:19:29,812 --> 00:19:31,311
so I could be your
fucking wingman?
433
00:19:31,312 --> 00:19:32,412
Well, obviously
I made a bad decision
434
00:19:32,413 --> 00:19:33,746
because you're nothing but
a cock-blocking machine.
435
00:19:33,747 --> 00:19:35,344
I don't know what you are.
436
00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:36,910
You're like the Israeli
Iron Dome defense system,
437
00:19:36,911 --> 00:19:38,544
but with vaginas
instead of missiles.
438
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:39,712
- What?
- You're like some sort of
439
00:19:39,713 --> 00:19:41,311
Cock-blocking Terminator
440
00:19:41,312 --> 00:19:42,079
sent back from the future
to cock-block humans.
441
00:19:43,512 --> 00:19:44,312
The robots
should have sent you
442
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:45,945
instead of
Arnold Schwarzenegger,
443
00:19:45,946 --> 00:19:48,279
you could have cock-blocked
John Connor's parents
444
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:49,012
and he would never
have been born!
445
00:19:49,013 --> 00:19:50,610
Shut up, Grandpa!
446
00:19:50,611 --> 00:19:51,644
- Shut up!
- What got into you?
447
00:19:51,645 --> 00:19:52,810
I remember you
in high school,
448
00:19:52,811 --> 00:19:53,745
you were ripping
people's dicks off
449
00:19:53,746 --> 00:19:55,344
on the football field,
450
00:19:55,345 --> 00:19:57,344
talking about
traveling the world!
451
00:19:57,345 --> 00:19:58,944
Now you're pushing some
papers at a fucking law firm
452
00:19:58,945 --> 00:20:00,377
and probably
peeing sitting down.
453
00:20:00,378 --> 00:20:01,211
Grandpa, I don't know
what you thought
454
00:20:01,212 --> 00:20:02,811
this weekend
was going to be about,
455
00:20:02,812 --> 00:20:03,777
but I came here
for one reason,
456
00:20:03,778 --> 00:20:05,311
to get you to Boca.
457
00:20:05,312 --> 00:20:06,543
That's it.
458
00:20:06,544 --> 00:20:08,012
Fine.
459
00:20:08,013 --> 00:20:09,280
Now can I please
play some golf?
460
00:20:09,678 --> 00:20:10,877
- Fucking golf.
- Okay.
461
00:20:10,878 --> 00:20:12,045
Cocky McBlockerson.
462
00:20:18,378 --> 00:20:19,579
What the fuck?
463
00:20:22,812 --> 00:20:23,980
Bam!
464
00:20:26,044 --> 00:20:27,645
Who does your taxes?
H&R Cock-block?
465
00:20:28,911 --> 00:20:30,145
Stop it.
466
00:20:35,012 --> 00:20:36,178
Bam!
467
00:20:37,677 --> 00:20:39,411
Are you still Jenny
from the cock-block?
468
00:20:39,412 --> 00:20:41,746
What the fuck! What is your
obsession with my ass?
469
00:20:42,811 --> 00:20:44,112
Your vibrator's on.
470
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:46,909
You can't get
into it anyway
471
00:20:46,910 --> 00:20:48,178
because you don't
know my code.
472
00:20:48,944 --> 00:20:50,776
Looks like your grandpa
remembered your birthday!
473
00:20:50,777 --> 00:20:51,944
What? Give me that!
474
00:20:51,945 --> 00:20:53,212
We're going
to fucking Daytona.
475
00:20:55,511 --> 00:20:56,743
We're not
going to Daytona,
476
00:20:56,744 --> 00:20:59,044
because I've got
the keys to the golf cart.
477
00:21:02,378 --> 00:21:03,645
What are you doing?
478
00:21:04,778 --> 00:21:06,011
Hey.
479
00:21:06,012 --> 00:21:07,643
How'd you do that?
480
00:21:07,644 --> 00:21:09,442
Coming or staying,
Jack Dicklaus?
481
00:21:09,443 --> 00:21:10,610
- Grandpa?
- Hurry up, Bubba Twatson.
482
00:21:10,611 --> 00:21:11,810
Grandpa, stop.
483
00:21:11,811 --> 00:21:12,843
Gary Player-with-my-balls.
484
00:21:12,844 --> 00:21:14,310
Stop the cart!
485
00:21:14,311 --> 00:21:15,609
Fred Couples-of-big-dicks-
in-your-ass.
486
00:21:15,610 --> 00:21:17,442
My God.
Grandpa! Stop!
487
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:19,545
Michelle
Wies-all-over-my-face.
488
00:21:40,409 --> 00:21:42,541
Now, this is what
I'm fucking talking about.
489
00:21:42,542 --> 00:21:44,541
This is so fucked up.
490
00:21:44,542 --> 00:21:45,976
Calm down,
you'll get to hang out
491
00:21:45,977 --> 00:21:47,508
with that gypsy girl
you like.
492
00:21:47,509 --> 00:21:48,942
- I don't like her.
- Yes, you do.
493
00:21:48,943 --> 00:21:50,043
That's why you didn't deny
494
00:21:50,044 --> 00:21:51,743
being a photographer
for Time magazine.
495
00:21:51,744 --> 00:21:53,010
You can hang out with her,
496
00:21:53,011 --> 00:21:54,976
I can have
vaginal sex with Lenore.
497
00:21:54,977 --> 00:21:56,342
It all works out!
We can even go visit
498
00:21:56,343 --> 00:21:57,844
my old army buddy, Stinky.
499
00:21:58,050 --> 00:21:59,651
Stinky?
500
00:22:01,317 --> 00:22:02,684
Which tiki bar are they in?
501
00:22:03,849 --> 00:22:05,081
Shit. Shit. Shit.
502
00:22:05,082 --> 00:22:06,848
- What's that?
- It's Meredith.
503
00:22:06,849 --> 00:22:07,481
Please,
I've got to answer that.
504
00:22:07,482 --> 00:22:08,481
Tell her to fuck off.
505
00:22:08,482 --> 00:22:09,915
Grandpa!
506
00:22:09,916 --> 00:22:11,247
I'm just gonna check
507
00:22:11,248 --> 00:22:12,813
the testosterone levels
on your phone first.
508
00:22:12,814 --> 00:22:13,814
Grandpa, give me
my phone now!
509
00:22:13,815 --> 00:22:15,346
Just as I thought.
Pretty low.
510
00:22:15,347 --> 00:22:17,413
This is Meredith calling...
Shit!
511
00:22:17,414 --> 00:22:18,947
Now, look what you did,
512
00:22:18,948 --> 00:22:20,481
you dropped it
in the car's vagina.
513
00:22:20,482 --> 00:22:21,214
God damn it,
I have to put it on speaker.
514
00:22:21,215 --> 00:22:22,378
Don't say anything.
515
00:22:22,379 --> 00:22:24,513
I will not say a word.
516
00:22:25,814 --> 00:22:27,213
Ballbags!
517
00:22:27,214 --> 00:22:29,912
Hey! Who was that?
518
00:22:29,913 --> 00:22:31,011
No one. We're in a restaurant.
Sorry.
519
00:22:31,012 --> 00:22:32,280
"Who's that?"
520
00:22:32,812 --> 00:22:34,277
- What's up?
- Okay...
521
00:22:34,278 --> 00:22:35,811
Well, I really want them
522
00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:37,177
to post
our wedding announcement
523
00:22:37,178 --> 00:22:38,744
on the New York Times website
524
00:22:38,745 --> 00:22:40,444
before our rehearsal
brunch Friday,
525
00:22:40,445 --> 00:22:42,944
so I just wanted to run
your section back to you.
526
00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:44,843
Yeah, you know, now's
really not a good time...
527
00:22:44,844 --> 00:22:47,277
Jason? Can we just
do this please?
528
00:22:47,278 --> 00:22:48,479
"Can we do this now?"
529
00:22:49,845 --> 00:22:52,508
"Jason Richard Kelly,
son of..."
530
00:22:52,509 --> 00:22:54,341
"Doctor Smegma
Von BoxMunchers."
531
00:22:54,342 --> 00:22:56,843
"David and Brooke,
532
00:22:56,844 --> 00:22:59,874
"is a junior associate
at the law firm of..."
533
00:22:59,875 --> 00:23:02,074
"Cream pie fart
and donkey punch!"
534
00:23:02,075 --> 00:23:03,241
Okay, who is that?
535
00:23:03,242 --> 00:23:04,508
It's no one. It's a waiter
536
00:23:04,509 --> 00:23:07,210
with pretty bad Tourette's,
I think...
537
00:23:08,441 --> 00:23:10,072
He just keeps walking by
yelling weird shit,
538
00:23:10,073 --> 00:23:11,941
I don't know why...
539
00:23:11,942 --> 00:23:14,006
Okay, well,
what restaurant are you at?
540
00:23:14,007 --> 00:23:15,373
I can barely even
hear you now.
541
00:23:15,374 --> 00:23:16,474
We're at
Chuck E. Cheese's...
542
00:23:17,307 --> 00:23:19,406
Daytona fucking Beach!
543
00:23:19,407 --> 00:23:22,004
Daytona fucking Beach!
You're right, buddy!
544
00:23:22,005 --> 00:23:24,439
You're in Daytona Beach?
545
00:23:25,872 --> 00:23:27,305
Listen, we're just driving
through Daytona Beach.
546
00:23:27,306 --> 00:23:28,171
We're en route to Grandpa's...
547
00:23:28,172 --> 00:23:29,437
Jason!
548
00:23:29,438 --> 00:23:31,171
I don't know why you're there,
549
00:23:31,172 --> 00:23:33,970
but you'd better call me
from your grandfather's house
550
00:23:33,971 --> 00:23:34,938
when you get there
tonight, okay?
551
00:23:34,939 --> 00:23:36,304
Of course, baby.
552
00:23:36,305 --> 00:23:37,573
I love you so much...
553
00:23:38,237 --> 00:23:39,903
- Fuck!
- Marriage is hard.
554
00:23:39,904 --> 00:23:41,504
What'd the hot
college girls text back?
555
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:43,436
Grandpa, what are you
texting them?
556
00:23:43,437 --> 00:23:44,636
I just texted them.
557
00:23:44,637 --> 00:23:46,903
What are you texting them?
"We'll meet you on the beach."
558
00:23:46,904 --> 00:23:48,402
Yeah, and I added the emoji
559
00:23:48,403 --> 00:23:49,670
with the wink
and the tongue out.
560
00:23:51,268 --> 00:23:52,435
I'm not kidding,
Grandpa.
561
00:23:52,436 --> 00:23:53,869
You realize
that if I don't call her
562
00:23:53,870 --> 00:23:55,268
from your house
in Boca tonight,
563
00:23:55,269 --> 00:23:57,133
I'm fucked, man,
I'm fucked.
564
00:23:57,134 --> 00:23:58,767
Jesus. Sounds like
you're marrying
565
00:23:58,768 --> 00:24:00,767
your fucking
parole officer.
566
00:24:00,768 --> 00:24:02,501
It's just Meredith.
It's the way she is, man.
567
00:24:02,502 --> 00:24:04,966
She just gets,
like, anxious
568
00:24:04,967 --> 00:24:06,468
when she doesn't know
exactly where I am.
569
00:24:07,401 --> 00:24:09,265
Don't panic.
It's organic.
570
00:24:09,266 --> 00:24:11,099
Yeah, I know. Couples get
in fights all the time.
571
00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:12,233
But it's different
with Meredith.
572
00:24:12,234 --> 00:24:14,032
She takes it
to another level, man,
573
00:24:14,033 --> 00:24:14,865
and I'm telling you,
if I don't call her
574
00:24:14,866 --> 00:24:16,765
from your house in Boca,
I'm screwed.
575
00:24:16,766 --> 00:24:18,366
Well, ain't nobody
got time for that.
576
00:24:19,199 --> 00:24:20,964
Yeah, I know.
Clearly.
577
00:24:20,965 --> 00:24:22,331
Which is why
I don't understand
578
00:24:22,332 --> 00:24:24,065
how we got so far
off schedule.
579
00:24:24,066 --> 00:24:26,496
...Sometimes
life is just a fart zone,
580
00:24:26,497 --> 00:24:27,399
and you enter
at your own risk.
581
00:24:30,232 --> 00:24:31,198
Have you been
reading shit
582
00:24:31,199 --> 00:24:33,030
off the shot glasses
and the shirts in here
583
00:24:33,031 --> 00:24:34,995
and just saying it
like it's wisdom?
584
00:24:34,996 --> 00:24:36,361
I was seriously trying
to talk to you, man.
585
00:24:36,362 --> 00:24:37,995
Do you realize
the stakes here?
586
00:24:37,996 --> 00:24:39,163
You're ridiculous!
587
00:24:39,164 --> 00:24:40,362
Smile.
588
00:24:40,363 --> 00:24:43,130
You've had a phone
this entire fucking time?
589
00:24:43,131 --> 00:24:44,829
What else
don't I know about you?
590
00:24:44,830 --> 00:24:46,427
How the hell do you know
how to speak Arabic?
591
00:24:46,428 --> 00:24:48,060
Dad's never said
anything about that.
592
00:24:48,061 --> 00:24:49,194
That's because your dad
593
00:24:49,195 --> 00:24:51,061
doesn't really know
much about me.
594
00:24:51,062 --> 00:24:52,361
I was away with the army
during most of his childhood.
595
00:24:52,362 --> 00:24:54,329
So we were
never that close.
596
00:24:55,729 --> 00:24:56,996
Is that why
he doesn't like you?
597
00:25:00,327 --> 00:25:02,260
Anybody work here?
598
00:25:02,261 --> 00:25:04,058
Okay, everybody
on the fucking floor!
599
00:25:04,059 --> 00:25:06,058
This is a goddamn robbery!
600
00:25:06,059 --> 00:25:08,094
On the fucking ground!
601
00:25:11,494 --> 00:25:14,392
My God,
you should see your faces!
602
00:25:14,393 --> 00:25:16,925
I just left to grab lunch
and a new horse mask.
603
00:25:16,926 --> 00:25:19,991
I left mine at the beach
the other day. Whoo!
604
00:25:19,992 --> 00:25:21,627
I thought you were gonna
shit your pants, little guy.
605
00:25:22,325 --> 00:25:23,358
Gun's real though.
606
00:25:24,790 --> 00:25:26,058
What the fuck, man!
607
00:25:26,490 --> 00:25:28,990
Relax, this is Florida.
608
00:25:28,991 --> 00:25:31,057
Everything's
a licensed gun range.
609
00:25:31,058 --> 00:25:32,889
You just shot
through a wall, man!
610
00:25:32,890 --> 00:25:34,421
- Hey...
- There's pedestrians outside!
611
00:25:34,422 --> 00:25:38,321
Yeah, again, it's Florida!
These people don't matter.
612
00:25:38,322 --> 00:25:40,088
- What?
- So?
613
00:25:40,089 --> 00:25:42,188
Welcome to
Tam Pam Surf Slam.
614
00:25:42,189 --> 00:25:43,888
What can I do for you
gentlemen? I'm Pam.
615
00:25:43,889 --> 00:25:44,986
You're Pam?
616
00:25:44,987 --> 00:25:46,187
Yeah. It's a nickname.
617
00:25:46,188 --> 00:25:47,221
Real name's Pamela.
618
00:25:50,154 --> 00:25:53,286
Hey, no, guys!
Absolutely not!
619
00:25:53,287 --> 00:25:59,120
I will not ever sell you drugs
out of this establishment!
620
00:25:59,121 --> 00:26:00,486
We didn't ask you
to sell us drugs.
621
00:26:00,487 --> 00:26:02,351
Okay, cool.
You're not cops.
622
00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:07,018
In which case,
welcome to drugs!
623
00:26:07,019 --> 00:26:09,018
- My God.
- Now, I'm pretty cool,
624
00:26:09,019 --> 00:26:11,118
So I only sell the stuff
that occurs naturally.
625
00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:13,384
So I got weed, I got
mushrooms, I got meth.
626
00:26:13,385 --> 00:26:15,018
- Meth?
- Yeah.
627
00:26:15,019 --> 00:26:16,184
How is that natural?
628
00:26:16,185 --> 00:26:17,284
Well, it occurs naturally
629
00:26:17,285 --> 00:26:18,383
in my cousin's basement
in Baltimore,
630
00:26:18,384 --> 00:26:20,383
if you know what I mean.
631
00:26:20,384 --> 00:26:22,482
I'm taking this and this
because you shot at me.
632
00:26:22,483 --> 00:26:24,184
I'm sorry.
I almost shot you.
633
00:26:25,718 --> 00:26:27,215
What are you going to do, cry
all the way home, handsome?
634
00:26:27,216 --> 00:26:28,416
I'm also giving you
zero stars on Yelp.
635
00:26:28,417 --> 00:26:30,149
What a dick.
636
00:26:58,978 --> 00:27:00,278
- Hey.
- Hey.
637
00:27:00,279 --> 00:27:02,145
Hi, Professor.
638
00:27:02,146 --> 00:27:03,944
Well, there's the prettiest
little girl on the beach.
639
00:27:03,945 --> 00:27:05,444
Thank you.
640
00:27:05,445 --> 00:27:07,178
I was actually
talking to him.
641
00:27:07,179 --> 00:27:10,877
Yup! Immediately offensive.
I'm going back to the hotel.
642
00:27:10,878 --> 00:27:13,111
Just try not to join the cast
of Rent on the way back!
643
00:27:14,243 --> 00:27:17,476
So we got the Professor,
you got the millionaire.
644
00:27:17,477 --> 00:27:19,408
How's the rest
of the Gilligan's Island cast?
645
00:27:19,409 --> 00:27:20,974
We're good.
646
00:27:20,975 --> 00:27:22,009
- Yeah?
- Yeah, everyone's good.
647
00:27:22,010 --> 00:27:23,276
Well, that's good.
648
00:27:23,277 --> 00:27:24,874
Copacetic on the island.
649
00:27:24,875 --> 00:27:26,341
How are those washed-out
pictures you're taking
650
00:27:26,342 --> 00:27:27,442
because you still have
the lighting optimizer on?
651
00:27:27,443 --> 00:27:29,340
They're not...
Where is that?
652
00:27:29,341 --> 00:27:32,374
Actually, it's really
hypersensitive
653
00:27:32,375 --> 00:27:33,841
on the new 60D model.
654
00:27:33,842 --> 00:27:35,939
So you have to...
655
00:27:35,940 --> 00:27:37,206
- Wait. What is that?
- Okay, nope.
656
00:27:37,207 --> 00:27:38,972
- What are you doing?
- Give it back, Malibu Ken.
657
00:27:38,973 --> 00:27:40,840
- No...
- What?
658
00:27:40,841 --> 00:27:42,340
You did it. You turned
into one of those people.
659
00:27:42,341 --> 00:27:44,006
I turned into
one of those people
660
00:27:44,007 --> 00:27:46,239
that gives a shit
about something?
661
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:47,739
Are you gonna chain
yourself to a polar bear?
662
00:27:47,740 --> 00:27:49,206
Only if you
let me borrow...
663
00:27:49,207 --> 00:27:50,906
What is this,
a beach sweater?
664
00:27:50,907 --> 00:27:52,438
Yeah.
665
00:27:52,439 --> 00:27:53,173
What, did you just
come from skiing?
666
00:27:53,174 --> 00:27:54,738
Yeah, I skied in,
667
00:27:54,739 --> 00:27:56,639
just to see you
save the world.
668
00:27:57,705 --> 00:27:59,205
One Jell-O shot at a time.
669
00:27:59,905 --> 00:28:01,905
High-five!
670
00:28:01,906 --> 00:28:03,470
You want me
to do your back?
671
00:28:03,471 --> 00:28:04,637
Only if you promise
to do my front first.
672
00:28:05,104 --> 00:28:06,438
Gladly.
673
00:28:07,004 --> 00:28:08,371
Whoops!
674
00:28:10,337 --> 00:28:11,935
That never
usually happens.
675
00:28:11,936 --> 00:28:14,068
Really? It happens to me
all the time.
676
00:28:14,069 --> 00:28:16,736
Well, guess who just took
a shit in the water?
677
00:28:16,737 --> 00:28:18,069
We've been looking
for you bitches all day.
678
00:28:18,070 --> 00:28:20,069
Where the fuck
have you been?
679
00:28:20,070 --> 00:28:21,934
Our car
broke down in Orlando.
680
00:28:21,935 --> 00:28:22,933
Do you ever
look at your cell phone?
681
00:28:22,934 --> 00:28:24,766
Awesome.
682
00:28:24,767 --> 00:28:26,301
Who are these cunt punches?
683
00:28:26,302 --> 00:28:29,167
These are our friends that
we met on the way down.
684
00:28:29,168 --> 00:28:30,601
Yeah.
685
00:28:30,602 --> 00:28:32,066
That's Cody and Brah.
686
00:28:32,067 --> 00:28:33,800
They're on the
lacrosse team at Florida.
687
00:28:33,801 --> 00:28:35,199
This guy
plays lacrosse?
688
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:37,200
All-conference, brah!
689
00:28:37,201 --> 00:28:39,134
Yeah? Which one, the fucking
Diabetes Conference?
690
00:28:41,366 --> 00:28:43,099
All right, we're about to boat
race a bunch of those fucks
691
00:28:43,100 --> 00:28:45,831
from the University of Georgia
up in the room. So...
692
00:28:45,832 --> 00:28:47,464
My God!
University of Georgia!
693
00:28:47,465 --> 00:28:48,964
No way! You're a Hornet?
694
00:28:48,965 --> 00:28:50,798
Afraid so.
695
00:28:50,799 --> 00:28:51,831
Well, you guys
should get in there then,
696
00:28:51,832 --> 00:28:52,666
Edward Jizzumhands.
697
00:28:54,964 --> 00:28:57,463
Well, thank you. We will.
698
00:28:57,464 --> 00:29:00,063
Good, that's great.
I'll see you up there.
699
00:29:00,064 --> 00:29:01,730
Good. Well,
you say we'll be there
700
00:29:01,731 --> 00:29:03,262
and on time.
701
00:29:03,263 --> 00:29:04,296
- Sweet. I will.
- Yeah.
702
00:29:04,297 --> 00:29:05,929
Yeah, let's do that.
703
00:29:05,930 --> 00:29:07,063
- No, we should.
- Let's do it now.
704
00:29:07,064 --> 00:29:08,928
- Yeah, I'll see you up there.
- What...
705
00:29:08,929 --> 00:29:11,062
Come to the hotel.
By the pool.
706
00:29:11,463 --> 00:29:13,329
Georgia sucks!
707
00:29:14,996 --> 00:29:17,995
Can we please just go?
They've got boyfriends.
708
00:29:17,996 --> 00:29:19,926
Those meatdick fucks? They're
not their boyfriends.
709
00:29:19,927 --> 00:29:21,993
They're just seniors,
710
00:29:21,994 --> 00:29:23,161
and they're all just terrified
and speed-fucking each other
711
00:29:23,162 --> 00:29:24,393
before the ship goes down.
712
00:29:24,394 --> 00:29:25,893
Didn't you ever
go on Spring Break?
713
00:29:25,894 --> 00:29:27,293
No, I didn't go
to Spring Break,
714
00:29:27,294 --> 00:29:28,925
'cause I was studying
for law school.
715
00:29:28,926 --> 00:29:30,225
Besides, I can't
chug alcohol anymore
716
00:29:30,226 --> 00:29:31,859
like I used to, Grandpa.
717
00:29:31,860 --> 00:29:33,859
I've developed,
like, a gag reflex.
718
00:29:33,860 --> 00:29:35,159
- A gag reflex?
- Yeah.
719
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:36,759
You're chugging a beer,
720
00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:37,694
not taking down
a horse cock, Jason.
721
00:29:38,127 --> 00:29:40,126
Come on.
722
00:29:49,792 --> 00:29:51,090
Go Hornets!
723
00:29:51,091 --> 00:29:52,856
Go Hornets, yeah...
724
00:29:52,857 --> 00:29:54,889
Hey, you know, one in three
of these girls has herpes.
725
00:29:54,890 --> 00:29:56,190
Even if you can't see it.
726
00:29:56,191 --> 00:29:57,822
Jesus.
Nut the fuck up.
727
00:29:57,823 --> 00:29:59,958
It's just a college party,
you nance. Chill!
728
00:30:00,290 --> 00:30:03,122
Hey, here they are.
729
00:30:03,123 --> 00:30:05,921
I'm gonna get some beers.
What about you, twinkle toes?
730
00:30:05,922 --> 00:30:08,920
You want some of dat drank?
Some of dat purple drank?
731
00:30:08,921 --> 00:30:10,753
Some of dat
purple-ass muthafuckin'
732
00:30:10,754 --> 00:30:12,523
pimp-dick drank?
733
00:30:13,423 --> 00:30:16,189
Who the fuck are you?
734
00:30:19,987 --> 00:30:21,521
It's a pretty rockin' party.
735
00:30:22,688 --> 00:30:24,086
Whoo.
736
00:30:24,087 --> 00:30:25,454
Who let the dogs out?
737
00:30:25,887 --> 00:30:27,154
Am I right?
738
00:30:41,152 --> 00:30:42,383
Sir, before we start,
would you prefer
739
00:30:42,384 --> 00:30:44,350
if we gave you
a spritzer to chug?
740
00:30:44,351 --> 00:30:45,985
Maybe a Pinot Noir?
741
00:30:51,784 --> 00:30:52,948
You're going
down, old man.
742
00:30:52,949 --> 00:30:54,882
Nobody chugs like me.
743
00:30:54,883 --> 00:30:57,717
I bet. You've been chugging
Brah's cum for years.
744
00:31:00,382 --> 00:31:01,549
Let's go.
745
00:31:04,414 --> 00:31:05,415
Chug!
746
00:31:05,748 --> 00:31:06,682
Chug!
747
00:31:07,181 --> 00:31:08,316
Chug!
748
00:31:08,848 --> 00:31:09,982
Chug!
749
00:31:13,881 --> 00:31:16,546
Go! Go! Chug!
750
00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:15,673
It's actually
kind of fun.
751
00:32:21,105 --> 00:32:25,538
Yeah, I'm not really,
you know, for sure,
752
00:32:26,838 --> 00:32:28,171
per say...
753
00:32:28,172 --> 00:32:29,605
...what we're doing
after graduation.
754
00:32:30,737 --> 00:32:32,336
I mean,
755
00:32:32,337 --> 00:32:34,070
- we have offers to play...
- Blah, blah, blah...
756
00:32:34,071 --> 00:32:36,169
...professional
lacrosse in Europe,
757
00:32:36,170 --> 00:32:37,170
but a bunch of agents
758
00:32:37,171 --> 00:32:38,202
Words, words, words...
759
00:32:38,203 --> 00:32:40,869
also want us to start
modeling, so...
760
00:32:40,870 --> 00:32:42,937
And again, we're talking about
this fat fuck right here?
761
00:32:44,236 --> 00:32:47,703
You guys... You have
to come see this right now.
762
00:33:04,834 --> 00:33:07,765
All right, our team won!
763
00:33:07,766 --> 00:33:11,398
Let's celebrate
by buying local drugs
764
00:33:11,399 --> 00:33:14,898
from a reputable,
local drug dealer.
765
00:33:14,899 --> 00:33:17,165
Hey, what are
you doing here?
766
00:33:18,032 --> 00:33:19,297
I'm selling drugs, man.
767
00:33:19,298 --> 00:33:20,964
I'm trying to put my kid
through preschool.
768
00:33:21,931 --> 00:33:24,064
How honest is that!
769
00:33:24,065 --> 00:33:25,230
Touching my face
a lot, bro.
770
00:33:25,231 --> 00:33:27,163
Touching my face
a whole lot, man.
771
00:33:27,164 --> 00:33:28,096
Why don't you take
some of this.
772
00:33:28,097 --> 00:33:29,262
This'll mellow you out.
773
00:33:29,263 --> 00:33:31,263
- What is it?
- E-cig, bro.
774
00:33:31,264 --> 00:33:32,564
"E" is for "Weed"!
775
00:33:33,729 --> 00:33:34,530
Sure, why not?
776
00:33:38,096 --> 00:33:41,463
Yeah, that's a big...
That's a big one.
777
00:33:45,927 --> 00:33:48,060
Whoo!
778
00:33:48,061 --> 00:33:51,159
Just be glad you didn't smoke this, man.
This is crack!
779
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,027
- What?
- Yeah!
780
00:33:53,028 --> 00:33:54,595
This one...
Wait a minute...
781
00:33:56,794 --> 00:34:00,059
Maybe that one's crack
and this one's weed.
782
00:34:00,060 --> 00:34:02,326
Hang on.
What'd you do now, Pam?
783
00:34:02,327 --> 00:34:04,294
Fuck. Hold on.
Which one's crack?
784
00:34:06,892 --> 00:34:09,758
Okay. I got this.
Don't freak out.
785
00:34:09,759 --> 00:34:11,592
Sorry to worry you, man.
You're not gonna believe this.
786
00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:13,560
They're both crack.
787
00:34:14,125 --> 00:34:15,357
What?
788
00:34:15,358 --> 00:34:17,023
And you have taken an amount
789
00:34:17,024 --> 00:34:18,459
that will probably kill you
in about 30 minutes.
790
00:34:19,824 --> 00:34:21,289
- I just smoked crack?
- Yeah.
791
00:34:21,290 --> 00:34:22,559
But just, like, a lot.
792
00:34:23,690 --> 00:34:25,024
I just smoked crack.
793
00:34:28,257 --> 00:34:30,124
I just smoked crack!
794
00:34:33,688 --> 00:34:34,888
USA!
795
00:34:34,889 --> 00:34:36,154
USA!
796
00:34:36,155 --> 00:34:37,388
USA!
797
00:34:37,389 --> 00:34:38,623
USA!
798
00:34:39,722 --> 00:34:41,422
Told you.
799
00:34:44,421 --> 00:34:45,655
He's fine.
He's just a little drunk.
800
00:34:47,986 --> 00:34:49,254
Whoo!
801
00:34:50,353 --> 00:34:52,152
Everybody loves crack!
802
00:34:53,420 --> 00:34:55,252
Bee loves crack.
803
00:34:55,253 --> 00:34:57,252
Bee loves some crack.
804
00:34:57,253 --> 00:34:59,487
We should probably
go help him.
805
00:35:02,884 --> 00:35:04,585
Sting? You're stung!
806
00:35:07,852 --> 00:35:09,783
Shit,
I just found my queen.
807
00:35:09,784 --> 00:35:12,249
All right.
808
00:35:12,250 --> 00:35:13,684
Okay, let's help him.
809
00:35:16,751 --> 00:35:18,918
Excuse me. Jason!
810
00:35:21,716 --> 00:35:23,350
- Hey, Jason.
- Jason.
811
00:35:25,882 --> 00:35:26,949
- Jason.
- Jason.
812
00:35:29,649 --> 00:35:31,049
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
813
00:35:35,882 --> 00:35:37,883
I'm gonna live forever!
814
00:35:44,213 --> 00:35:45,480
Party on!
815
00:36:00,111 --> 00:36:02,011
Shit!
816
00:36:03,877 --> 00:36:05,144
One, two, three...
817
00:36:06,711 --> 00:36:08,411
- Hello?
- Where the fuck have you been?
818
00:36:10,844 --> 00:36:11,775
We got to Grandpa's
a little bit later
819
00:36:11,776 --> 00:36:13,309
than we thought last night,
820
00:36:13,310 --> 00:36:16,375
and my phone charger
wasn't working.
821
00:36:16,376 --> 00:36:18,107
Well, you know
we missed the deadline
822
00:36:18,108 --> 00:36:19,942
for our wedding announcement
to be in the Times.
823
00:36:19,943 --> 00:36:21,342
Where are you?
Are you close?
824
00:36:24,075 --> 00:36:25,877
Listen, Grandpa got
really upset last night.
825
00:36:26,274 --> 00:36:28,173
So I'm just getting
826
00:36:28,174 --> 00:36:29,407
a little bit of
a late jump here.
827
00:36:30,973 --> 00:36:32,740
I want to show you the
bouquets for the bridesmaids.
828
00:36:32,741 --> 00:36:34,641
So switch to
FaceTime, okay?
829
00:36:34,642 --> 00:36:37,239
Shit! Baby, the reception at
Grandpa's isn't very good...
830
00:36:37,240 --> 00:36:38,804
Jason, just
fucking do it!
831
00:36:38,805 --> 00:36:40,771
Okay, one second.
Switching over.
832
00:36:40,772 --> 00:36:42,473
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
833
00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:45,305
Is that sand
on your face?
834
00:36:45,306 --> 00:36:47,371
It's just sawdust
835
00:36:47,372 --> 00:36:48,838
because I was helping
Grandpa in the garage, so...
836
00:36:48,839 --> 00:36:51,206
I naturally got the dust
of the saw on the face.
837
00:36:52,672 --> 00:36:53,938
- Hi, honey.
- Jason.
838
00:36:54,106 --> 00:36:57,137
Mom? Dad?
839
00:36:57,138 --> 00:36:58,872
Is that writing
on your face?
840
00:37:00,237 --> 00:37:02,905
I was working on my vows
late last night and...
841
00:37:05,168 --> 00:37:08,769
And I fell asleep and I got
some pen on my face, so...
842
00:37:08,770 --> 00:37:11,201
Yeah, that must be
the exact thing that happened.
843
00:37:11,202 --> 00:37:12,836
Yeah, Meredith
called us because
844
00:37:12,837 --> 00:37:14,001
she hadn't
heard from you all night.
845
00:37:14,002 --> 00:37:15,902
We got the rabbi here
to work on the vows.
846
00:37:17,802 --> 00:37:19,799
Boker tov, Jason.
847
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:22,033
Hey. Shalom.
848
00:37:22,034 --> 00:37:24,133
No, Jason, really...
What is on your forehead?
849
00:37:25,635 --> 00:37:28,798
It's a swastika
of penises.
850
00:37:28,799 --> 00:37:30,232
No, that's not what it is.
851
00:37:30,233 --> 00:37:33,932
Acting as a pinwheel
of ejaculate...
852
00:37:33,933 --> 00:37:36,231
No, no, no,
it's a FaceTime effect.
853
00:37:36,232 --> 00:37:37,964
All the kids are using
them these days.
854
00:37:37,965 --> 00:37:39,166
There's a Hanukkah one. See?
855
00:37:42,133 --> 00:37:45,197
I don't like that one as much
as the swastika full of dicks.
856
00:37:45,198 --> 00:37:48,064
Okay, let's discuss
the wedding vows.
857
00:37:48,065 --> 00:37:51,730
Jason, why don't you
begin by telling us all
858
00:37:51,731 --> 00:37:53,895
what it is you like
about Meredith.
859
00:37:53,896 --> 00:37:56,762
Yeah, where do I start?
She's...
860
00:37:56,763 --> 00:37:57,930
Hello.
861
00:38:00,630 --> 00:38:02,795
Hello, buzzy bee.
862
00:38:02,796 --> 00:38:04,295
What?
863
00:38:04,296 --> 00:38:05,328
If you can't
think of anything,
864
00:38:05,329 --> 00:38:06,762
lean into them looks, dawg.
865
00:38:06,763 --> 00:38:08,860
Can I touch buzzy bee?
866
00:38:08,861 --> 00:38:10,495
I've loved her for... No,
you can't touch buzzy bee!
867
00:38:11,695 --> 00:38:14,062
I love the way that she...
868
00:38:15,195 --> 00:38:16,793
What are you doing?
Stop it!
869
00:38:16,794 --> 00:38:18,394
Go away!
870
00:38:18,395 --> 00:38:19,926
You're getting me in...
Fuck, go away!
871
00:38:19,927 --> 00:38:20,926
Your buzzy bee
looks so fluffy!
872
00:38:20,927 --> 00:38:21,927
What did he say?
873
00:38:22,892 --> 00:38:24,325
I just don't know
where to start.
874
00:38:24,326 --> 00:38:25,892
Let me touch buzzy bee!
875
00:38:25,893 --> 00:38:26,925
- You can't have the bee!
- What?
876
00:38:26,926 --> 00:38:28,791
I want to stroke the bee!
877
00:38:28,792 --> 00:38:30,057
You can't
stroke the bee! Okay?
878
00:38:30,058 --> 00:38:31,225
I want to kiss buzzy bee!
879
00:38:31,226 --> 00:38:32,327
You can't kiss the bee!
880
00:38:33,759 --> 00:38:34,592
I love the way
that she kisses.
881
00:38:35,625 --> 00:38:37,125
- Kid!
- Hey!
882
00:38:37,126 --> 00:38:38,958
- My God...
- Hey!
883
00:38:38,959 --> 00:38:39,956
- Fucking pervert!
- No.
884
00:38:39,957 --> 00:38:41,056
I got to go right now.
I'm sorry.
885
00:38:41,057 --> 00:38:42,623
I love you. Bye!
886
00:38:42,624 --> 00:38:43,891
No, no, no! Jason! Jason!
887
00:38:45,291 --> 00:38:46,558
Come on. I told you
to stay with us.
888
00:38:48,323 --> 00:38:50,090
He let me stroke it.
889
00:38:51,190 --> 00:38:52,988
Hold on! He's talking
about a pee... A bee.
890
00:38:52,989 --> 00:38:54,789
A little stuffed bee.
891
00:38:54,790 --> 00:38:56,155
What bee?
892
00:38:56,156 --> 00:38:57,189
There was
a bee here, man!
893
00:38:57,190 --> 00:38:58,688
It was so soft.
894
00:38:58,689 --> 00:39:00,121
He let me kiss it.
895
00:39:00,122 --> 00:39:01,622
No, I did not
let you kiss it!
896
00:39:01,623 --> 00:39:02,921
What are you
talking about?
897
00:39:02,922 --> 00:39:04,354
- He did not even...
- You're fucking dead!
898
00:39:04,355 --> 00:39:06,456
Dad, that was cool!
899
00:39:07,654 --> 00:39:09,187
Shit!
900
00:39:25,752 --> 00:39:27,985
Please, for the love of God,
may I have some pants?
901
00:39:28,751 --> 00:39:30,250
Please...
902
00:39:30,251 --> 00:39:33,818
Jesus, I'm so sorry. Of course.
903
00:39:33,819 --> 00:39:37,048
Yeah, definitely. Let
me hurry on over there.
904
00:39:37,049 --> 00:39:38,852
You like khakis
or sweatpants?
905
00:39:40,117 --> 00:39:43,149
I mean, anything's fine.
You know what? Khakis.
906
00:39:43,150 --> 00:39:44,817
- Khakis? All right.
- Yes, please. Thank you.
907
00:39:44,818 --> 00:39:46,880
Also, I'm going to step
out and get some lunch.
908
00:39:46,881 --> 00:39:48,114
Do you want a sandwich?
909
00:39:48,115 --> 00:39:49,282
Yeah, sure.
That'd be awesome.
910
00:39:49,283 --> 00:39:50,847
Yeah. Ham? Turkey?
911
00:39:50,848 --> 00:39:53,015
I would love turkey.
912
00:39:53,016 --> 00:39:54,250
That's so funny, because
I'm a turkey man myself.
913
00:39:54,748 --> 00:39:56,081
Thank you so much.
914
00:39:57,147 --> 00:39:59,980
Turkey... Okay...
All right...
915
00:39:59,981 --> 00:40:02,779
Also, finally,
do you want to be ass raped
916
00:40:02,780 --> 00:40:05,380
by the man with the
mental age of seven
917
00:40:05,381 --> 00:40:06,912
or do you want to be
stripped naked
918
00:40:06,913 --> 00:40:08,778
and used as a human diaper
919
00:40:08,779 --> 00:40:10,847
by the, same man?
920
00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:13,378
Let me know
what time works for you,
921
00:40:13,379 --> 00:40:14,380
'cause you're
in fucking jail.
922
00:40:14,879 --> 00:40:16,214
Sit down.
923
00:40:25,745 --> 00:40:28,643
All right. Gary, I'm all done.
It's late.
924
00:40:28,644 --> 00:40:29,977
I gotta go open
the store, buddy.
925
00:40:29,978 --> 00:40:31,744
I don't know, man.
926
00:40:31,745 --> 00:40:32,946
You tried to sell peyote
to middle schoolers.
927
00:40:34,843 --> 00:40:37,242
Well, I don't know if I'm
going to be able to get you
928
00:40:37,243 --> 00:40:39,342
that human growth hormone
you asked me about.
929
00:40:39,343 --> 00:40:42,042
So that you can get
"jacked," you said?
930
00:40:42,043 --> 00:40:43,342
Remember?
You're already looking good.
931
00:40:44,674 --> 00:40:46,641
All right,
let's get you out of there.
932
00:40:46,642 --> 00:40:48,207
- Why are you letting him out?
- Gary! Gary! Gary!
933
00:40:48,208 --> 00:40:49,108
He's the one
that sold me crack!
934
00:40:49,109 --> 00:40:50,707
Hey, man!
935
00:40:50,708 --> 00:40:52,074
That's how you're gonna
do me right now?
936
00:40:52,075 --> 00:40:53,872
- Snitches get stitches!
- Yeah!
937
00:40:53,873 --> 00:40:55,139
Zip it!
938
00:40:55,140 --> 00:40:56,274
Yeah. Snitches
do get stitches!
939
00:40:56,275 --> 00:40:57,739
I thought we were friends...
940
00:40:57,740 --> 00:40:58,606
Don't mess with
my best friend, Pam.
941
00:40:58,607 --> 00:41:00,807
Yeah!
I'll see you later, Gary.
942
00:41:00,808 --> 00:41:02,639
See you, buddy. If you can get
me that money you owe me too,
943
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:03,806
- that'd be great.
- Finchy.
944
00:41:03,807 --> 00:41:04,907
Hey, Officer Finch.
945
00:41:04,908 --> 00:41:06,038
What's up?
946
00:41:06,039 --> 00:41:07,371
- Here's the deal.
- Yeah.
947
00:41:07,372 --> 00:41:09,371
- I'm about to skedaddle...
- Yeah, you are.
948
00:41:09,372 --> 00:41:11,770
I came in here with
some drugs in a bag.
949
00:41:11,771 --> 00:41:13,737
It would be great
if I could leave
950
00:41:13,738 --> 00:41:15,071
with those drugs
in the bag.
951
00:41:15,072 --> 00:41:17,036
You know what?
I want what's great for you.
952
00:41:17,037 --> 00:41:18,236
Thank you.
953
00:41:18,237 --> 00:41:19,505
There they are.
954
00:41:20,672 --> 00:41:22,102
- There you go!
- Look at the arm on that guy.
955
00:41:22,103 --> 00:41:23,770
I know.
956
00:41:23,771 --> 00:41:24,969
He's really
getting big!
957
00:41:24,970 --> 00:41:26,035
- He's working on it.
- I really need that HGH.
958
00:41:26,036 --> 00:41:27,803
He's working on it.
959
00:41:27,804 --> 00:41:29,969
- All right, I'll talk to you guys later. Bye.
- Yeah.
960
00:41:29,970 --> 00:41:33,203
Bam! One of the
good ones. Right?
961
00:41:34,103 --> 00:41:35,404
Okay, listen.
962
00:41:36,868 --> 00:41:38,702
Guys, I'm incredibly sorry
for all this confusion,
963
00:41:38,703 --> 00:41:40,068
but listen to me, please,
964
00:41:40,069 --> 00:41:42,766
I have to let you know
I'm a lawyer.
965
00:41:42,767 --> 00:41:44,267
All right? I know
my rights and I know
966
00:41:44,268 --> 00:41:46,200
that I should have
a phone call.
967
00:41:46,201 --> 00:41:48,601
Well, is this
your phone right here?
968
00:41:48,602 --> 00:41:49,765
Yeah, that's my phone.
969
00:41:49,766 --> 00:41:51,132
That's your phone right there.
970
00:41:51,133 --> 00:41:52,599
Just gonna take
a little picture.
971
00:41:52,600 --> 00:41:54,100
Snatch-chat.
972
00:41:54,101 --> 00:41:54,999
Please don't do that
with my phone.
973
00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:57,001
Hope you got
a wide angle lens on that.
974
00:42:01,299 --> 00:42:02,532
Kidding.
975
00:42:04,765 --> 00:42:07,332
Somebody just posted his bail.
Get that pervert some pants.
976
00:42:08,231 --> 00:42:09,631
All right.
977
00:42:09,632 --> 00:42:11,797
These were
a couple pair of pants
978
00:42:11,798 --> 00:42:16,762
from murder victims
from a 1990s orgy gone bad.
979
00:42:16,763 --> 00:42:18,931
We got semen-stained
or blood-stained.
980
00:42:19,729 --> 00:42:21,497
Take your pick.
What's it gonna be?
981
00:42:23,229 --> 00:42:24,930
- Blood.
- Semen it is.
982
00:42:27,962 --> 00:42:29,829
- Hey, there he is.
- No.
983
00:42:30,896 --> 00:42:33,228
Don't even
fucking talk to me.
984
00:42:33,229 --> 00:42:35,595
I know things
got a little chaotic,
985
00:42:35,596 --> 00:42:36,960
but I'm so close
with Lenore...
986
00:42:36,961 --> 00:42:39,094
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
987
00:42:39,095 --> 00:42:41,260
I'm about to get fucking
married, Grandpa!
988
00:42:41,261 --> 00:42:43,127
In one week!
To a Jewish girl!
989
00:42:43,128 --> 00:42:45,694
And I just woke up
in fucking jail
990
00:42:45,695 --> 00:42:48,359
with a bunch of penises
on my forehead
991
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:49,861
in the shape
of a swastika!
992
00:42:51,259 --> 00:42:52,960
Could call it
a swasticock.
993
00:42:54,694 --> 00:42:56,625
- What?
- It's a play on words.
994
00:42:56,626 --> 00:42:58,226
It's a play on words.
995
00:42:59,192 --> 00:43:00,226
A play on words.
996
00:43:02,758 --> 00:43:04,124
Play on these words.
997
00:43:04,125 --> 00:43:05,790
I'm dropping you off
998
00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:08,056
at your old army vet
buddy's house,
999
00:43:08,057 --> 00:43:10,222
he's gonna drive you
to fucking Boca.
1000
00:43:10,223 --> 00:43:11,225
Because I'm fucking
done with you.
1001
00:43:15,156 --> 00:43:16,756
What the fuck
are you looking at?
1002
00:43:16,757 --> 00:43:17,709
I can't help
staring at your tits.
1003
00:43:18,975 --> 00:43:20,742
Pow!
1004
00:43:20,743 --> 00:43:21,977
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
1005
00:43:27,376 --> 00:43:29,842
You know, Stinky
had more confirmed kills
1006
00:43:29,843 --> 00:43:33,108
than anyone in our platoon
back in 'Nam? 118.
1007
00:43:33,109 --> 00:43:34,609
Shut the fuck up.
1008
00:43:36,542 --> 00:43:37,906
What is this place?
1009
00:43:37,907 --> 00:43:39,574
I don't know.
Or care.
1010
00:43:39,575 --> 00:43:41,074
At least just
come in with me.
1011
00:43:41,075 --> 00:43:42,573
Let's make sure
it's the right house.
1012
00:43:42,574 --> 00:43:44,107
After you.
1013
00:43:45,342 --> 00:43:46,709
Grandson of the year.
1014
00:43:48,040 --> 00:43:49,274
Your grandmother's
ashes are in there.
1015
00:43:52,507 --> 00:43:53,874
She's in a coffin.
Fuck you!
1016
00:43:56,908 --> 00:43:58,742
Well,
better late than never.
1017
00:43:59,907 --> 00:44:02,573
Yeah! Fuck them up, ALF!
1018
00:44:02,574 --> 00:44:03,609
Motherfucker!
1019
00:44:04,708 --> 00:44:05,808
Stinky?
1020
00:44:06,974 --> 00:44:08,242
What the fuck are you
doing here, Dick?
1021
00:44:09,873 --> 00:44:11,607
This?
1022
00:44:12,973 --> 00:44:14,840
This is liver failure.
1023
00:44:17,506 --> 00:44:19,338
Who's the lesbian?
1024
00:44:19,339 --> 00:44:20,339
That's my grandson,
Jason.
1025
00:44:21,005 --> 00:44:22,839
Yeah?
1026
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:24,871
Is he here to
scissor with me?
1027
00:44:24,872 --> 00:44:26,806
Okay, that's just
offensive to lesbians.
1028
00:44:26,807 --> 00:44:29,339
I am very sorry,
k.d. Lang.
1029
00:44:30,540 --> 00:44:32,604
Time for Bingo!
1030
00:44:32,605 --> 00:44:34,439
Come on. Stinky, we got to get
you the fuck out of here.
1031
00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:35,870
Come on, let's go.
1032
00:44:35,871 --> 00:44:39,372
I have one
fucking month left, Dick!
1033
00:44:39,373 --> 00:44:42,505
I don't want you to
remember me like this, man.
1034
00:44:42,506 --> 00:44:44,504
I want you to remember
me as a warrior.
1035
00:44:44,505 --> 00:44:45,755
Please. Leave me be.
1036
00:44:45,756 --> 00:44:47,037
But, Stinky...
1037
00:44:47,038 --> 00:44:48,838
No, no, no...
Just let me finish, Dick.
1038
00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:53,469
Leave me your
beautiful lesbian grandson
1039
00:44:53,470 --> 00:44:54,572
so he can
blowjob me to death.
1040
00:44:58,671 --> 00:45:00,605
It's all over
for me, Dick.
1041
00:45:01,737 --> 00:45:05,872
You know, all I wanna
do is play Bingo.
1042
00:45:06,670 --> 00:45:07,939
Go.
1043
00:45:09,604 --> 00:45:10,671
All ready?
1044
00:45:14,537 --> 00:45:16,837
Bingo!
1045
00:45:23,437 --> 00:45:24,971
I'm sorry about
your friend, Grandpa.
1046
00:45:26,602 --> 00:45:28,203
So it comes
to this.
1047
00:45:30,002 --> 00:45:33,102
Even before you die,
you just stop living,
1048
00:45:33,103 --> 00:45:36,169
and it's all one fucked-up
facsimile of the real thing.
1049
00:45:42,103 --> 00:45:43,302
We have to go back.
1050
00:45:44,601 --> 00:45:45,969
Yeah. I know.
1051
00:45:47,502 --> 00:45:48,670
I'll drive us home.
1052
00:45:49,368 --> 00:45:51,037
Not Atlanta.
Daytona.
1053
00:45:52,436 --> 00:45:53,867
What?
1054
00:45:53,868 --> 00:45:55,500
I have to fuck
that girl, Jason.
1055
00:45:55,501 --> 00:45:56,734
Jesus, Grandpa!
1056
00:45:56,735 --> 00:45:58,002
I do. I have
to fuck her!
1057
00:45:59,401 --> 00:46:01,099
Grandpa, you're
just depressed.
1058
00:46:01,100 --> 00:46:03,700
You're confused right now
because of Grandma.
1059
00:46:03,701 --> 00:46:05,866
Grandma wanted me
to do this.
1060
00:46:05,867 --> 00:46:07,334
- What?
- Yeah. She said when she died,
1061
00:46:07,335 --> 00:46:08,800
She wanted me
to move on
1062
00:46:08,801 --> 00:46:10,334
and live my life
the way I wanted to,
1063
00:46:10,335 --> 00:46:12,334
and right now, you know
what I want to do?
1064
00:46:12,335 --> 00:46:14,800
I want to get my dick sucked
by that fucking college girl!
1065
00:46:14,801 --> 00:46:16,633
What is that
going to do for you?
1066
00:46:16,634 --> 00:46:17,899
Is that going to make
you feel young again?
1067
00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:18,900
Yeah! Yeah,
what's wrong with that?
1068
00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:21,334
Yeah?
1069
00:46:21,335 --> 00:46:23,399
Feeling young again?
What do I have?
1070
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:25,033
A dead wife,
dying friends.
1071
00:46:25,034 --> 00:46:27,700
A few fucking good
years left if I'm lucky.
1072
00:46:27,701 --> 00:46:29,668
And you know what?
It fucking freaks me out!
1073
00:46:30,799 --> 00:46:32,167
Yeah.
1074
00:46:34,565 --> 00:46:36,464
Look, I don't expect
you to understand.
1075
00:46:36,465 --> 00:46:37,831
You're young.
1076
00:46:37,832 --> 00:46:39,532
You have a long,
long time
1077
00:46:39,533 --> 00:46:41,432
before you have to
look into that abyss.
1078
00:46:41,433 --> 00:46:43,698
But the way I see it,
having sex with that girl
1079
00:46:43,699 --> 00:46:45,765
is my last stand.
1080
00:46:45,766 --> 00:46:47,598
And I can't do it
without you.
1081
00:46:47,599 --> 00:46:48,631
So I'm asking you.
1082
00:46:48,632 --> 00:46:50,597
Please, Jason,
1083
00:46:50,598 --> 00:46:51,933
just stay one more day
so I can do this.
1084
00:46:54,599 --> 00:46:56,034
Please.
1085
00:47:01,599 --> 00:47:05,730
Okay, Daytona Beach!
Who's ready for a Flex Off!
1086
00:47:05,731 --> 00:47:08,463
I'm talking about dudes
getting on stage,
1087
00:47:08,464 --> 00:47:09,666
getting ripped!
1088
00:47:10,831 --> 00:47:12,696
Yeah!
1089
00:47:12,697 --> 00:47:14,164
Yes, I'll be home tomorrow.
I promise.
1090
00:47:15,864 --> 00:47:16,897
And I know... Yes,
1091
00:47:16,898 --> 00:47:18,363
I know the dinner
is important to the firm...
1092
00:47:18,364 --> 00:47:19,462
Hold on,
I'm getting another call.
1093
00:47:19,463 --> 00:47:20,730
It might be Meredith.
Okay? Bye.
1094
00:47:22,596 --> 00:47:24,363
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
1095
00:47:24,364 --> 00:47:25,731
Someone just stuck
their thumb up my ass.
1096
00:47:26,464 --> 00:47:27,896
What?
1097
00:47:27,897 --> 00:47:28,796
Yeah, I was just
standing right there,
1098
00:47:28,797 --> 00:47:30,395
talking on the phone,
1099
00:47:30,396 --> 00:47:31,396
and someone came
right up behind me
1100
00:47:31,397 --> 00:47:32,730
and stuck their thumb
up my ass.
1101
00:47:33,763 --> 00:47:35,430
- Did you see who it was...
- Jamba!
1102
00:47:35,431 --> 00:47:37,028
Fuck!
Stop doing that!
1103
00:47:37,029 --> 00:47:38,298
How'd it go on
the home front?
1104
00:47:38,564 --> 00:47:39,564
How do you think?
1105
00:47:39,897 --> 00:47:41,597
Come on. Let's go.
1106
00:47:41,862 --> 00:47:43,131
Come on.
1107
00:47:44,662 --> 00:47:47,827
Top Gun in the house!
1108
00:47:47,828 --> 00:47:50,797
We got Maverick!
We got Fat Goose!
1109
00:47:51,795 --> 00:47:53,995
Do we have a challenger?
1110
00:47:53,996 --> 00:47:55,561
Right here!
Right here!
1111
00:47:55,562 --> 00:47:56,462
These two!
She wants to!
1112
00:47:56,463 --> 00:47:57,694
These two.
1113
00:47:57,695 --> 00:47:59,061
Pick her!
1114
00:47:59,062 --> 00:48:00,827
Who will
accept this challenge?
1115
00:48:00,828 --> 00:48:01,828
You go up there,
I'll let you do
1116
00:48:01,829 --> 00:48:03,761
whatever you want
to me tonight.
1117
00:48:03,762 --> 00:48:05,428
- All right, I'm doing it.
- All right!
1118
00:48:05,429 --> 00:48:06,796
- What?
- Whoo!
1119
00:48:07,895 --> 00:48:09,827
- No, no, no!
- Are you kidding me?
1120
00:48:09,828 --> 00:48:12,360
I saw your body last night,
it's a lot better than Cody's.
1121
00:48:12,361 --> 00:48:14,426
And my body
sure as shit looks better
1122
00:48:14,427 --> 00:48:15,693
than that fucking
Shamu's up there.
1123
00:48:15,694 --> 00:48:17,427
There's 1,000
people out here!
1124
00:48:17,428 --> 00:48:19,593
A lost old man
has wandered on stage.
1125
00:48:19,594 --> 00:48:21,426
Are you his nurse?
1126
00:48:21,427 --> 00:48:22,726
No. Fuck no.
1127
00:48:22,727 --> 00:48:25,993
Get on stage! Get on stage!
1128
00:48:25,994 --> 00:48:28,794
Get on stage! Get on stage!
1129
00:48:28,795 --> 00:48:31,059
Get on stage! Get on stage!
1130
00:48:31,060 --> 00:48:32,094
Do it for me!
1131
00:48:33,093 --> 00:48:36,094
Get on stage! Get on stage!
1132
00:48:37,694 --> 00:48:40,092
So we have team Top Gun
1133
00:48:40,093 --> 00:48:42,861
versus creepy old guy
and his lesbian daughter.
1134
00:48:45,594 --> 00:48:49,590
Okay, Daytona Beach,
are you ready to Flex Off?
1135
00:48:49,591 --> 00:48:52,326
Three! Two! One!
1136
00:48:52,327 --> 00:48:53,593
Flex!
1137
00:48:55,327 --> 00:48:56,760
Having trouble getting that
coat off, Fat Goose?
1138
00:48:59,491 --> 00:49:01,825
Look at this guy!
1139
00:49:01,826 --> 00:49:04,325
He's like
Mother Teresa's vagina!
1140
00:49:04,326 --> 00:49:06,027
Old and tight!
1141
00:49:07,425 --> 00:49:09,792
Hey, look,
it's Cirque du So Gay!
1142
00:49:11,725 --> 00:49:12,892
What now?
1143
00:49:15,058 --> 00:49:17,825
Has the old man fallen?
1144
00:49:17,826 --> 00:49:19,091
Or is it...
1145
00:49:19,092 --> 00:49:21,091
One-armed
motherfucking push-ups!
1146
00:49:21,092 --> 00:49:23,525
Holy shit!
1147
00:49:23,526 --> 00:49:25,624
Lesbian daughter's
getting in on the action!
1148
00:49:25,625 --> 00:49:28,623
I happen to know
he smoked crack last night!
1149
00:49:28,624 --> 00:49:31,722
These push-ups are fuelled
by the devil's candy!
1150
00:49:31,723 --> 00:49:33,558
Unbelievable!
1151
00:49:35,524 --> 00:49:36,791
Your move,
Dolly Parton.
1152
00:49:38,090 --> 00:49:40,124
What are you gonna
do now, team Top Gun?
1153
00:49:41,791 --> 00:49:43,623
And, hey, everybody,
don't forget to stop
1154
00:49:43,624 --> 00:49:45,922
by Tam Pam Surf Slam in town
1155
00:49:45,923 --> 00:49:47,990
where I'm selling
"beach towels"
1156
00:49:47,991 --> 00:49:49,956
for 50 bucks an ounce.
1157
00:49:49,957 --> 00:49:53,789
"Sun screen"
for 10 bucks a dime bag.
1158
00:49:53,790 --> 00:49:56,856
And I'm also selling meth!
1159
00:49:58,457 --> 00:49:59,722
Just got married!
1160
00:50:00,823 --> 00:50:02,755
Your move,
Viagra Falls.
1161
00:50:02,756 --> 00:50:04,889
Crowd going wild
for team Top Gun!
1162
00:50:06,756 --> 00:50:09,355
Grandpa, I got this.
Watch!
1163
00:50:09,356 --> 00:50:12,123
Most muscular, on three.
One, two, three.
1164
00:50:15,589 --> 00:50:18,487
I think this guy
just sharted!
1165
00:50:18,488 --> 00:50:19,506
No, I didn't!
1166
00:50:19,507 --> 00:50:20,554
Yes!
1167
00:50:20,555 --> 00:50:22,790
Call a lifeguard, I think
there's been a shart attack!
1168
00:50:33,554 --> 00:50:34,854
I'm not even
holding the mic right now.
1169
00:50:38,486 --> 00:50:39,988
You suck!
1170
00:50:40,620 --> 00:50:42,787
I have an idea.
1171
00:50:42,788 --> 00:50:43,855
Do you remember that thing we
used to do when I was a kid?
1172
00:50:44,821 --> 00:50:45,988
Yeah.
1173
00:50:48,088 --> 00:50:50,020
One, two, three...
1174
00:50:50,021 --> 00:50:52,786
Hold on, what's this?
1175
00:50:52,787 --> 00:50:56,587
What is going on?
My God, what am I seeing?
1176
00:50:58,787 --> 00:51:01,353
Am I on drugs? Of course I am!
1177
00:51:02,587 --> 00:51:03,852
This is too incredible!
1178
00:51:03,853 --> 00:51:06,555
Flex Off history
is being made!
1179
00:51:07,521 --> 00:51:08,985
What's up now, Brah?
1180
00:51:08,986 --> 00:51:11,352
Yeah, what's up now, Brah?
1181
00:51:11,353 --> 00:51:12,750
Yeah,
what's up now, Brah?
1182
00:51:12,751 --> 00:51:14,519
'Sup now, Brah?
1183
00:51:14,520 --> 00:51:15,651
'Sup now, Brah?
1184
00:51:15,652 --> 00:51:16,985
'Sup now, Brah?
1185
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:20,985
This is incredible!
Take out your cameras!
1186
00:51:20,986 --> 00:51:23,554
Put this online!
This shit is going viral!
1187
00:51:24,053 --> 00:51:26,517
Shit. Let me down.
1188
00:51:26,518 --> 00:51:27,819
Did everybody
get a picture of that?
1189
00:51:29,419 --> 00:51:30,650
What the fuck
are you doing?
1190
00:51:30,651 --> 00:51:32,484
- I can't do this...
- What?
1191
00:51:32,485 --> 00:51:33,818
- God...
- The winners
1192
00:51:33,819 --> 00:51:35,818
Of the Alpha Delta Flex Off...
1193
00:51:35,819 --> 00:51:37,052
Wait a minute!
Where are you going?
1194
00:51:37,053 --> 00:51:38,684
- Guys?
- Where are you going?
1195
00:51:38,685 --> 00:51:40,051
Jason!
1196
00:51:40,052 --> 00:51:41,451
You can't just
leave me here like this.
1197
00:51:41,452 --> 00:51:42,550
Why'd you stop?
We were winning!
1198
00:51:42,551 --> 00:51:43,717
Because I'm a lawyer!
1199
00:51:43,718 --> 00:51:45,015
I can't have people taking
1200
00:51:45,016 --> 00:51:46,150
pictures of me
doing stuff like this.
1201
00:51:46,151 --> 00:51:48,650
Can you imagine if the firm
saw something like that?
1202
00:51:48,651 --> 00:51:51,948
By default, the winner
of the Flex Off is...
1203
00:51:51,949 --> 00:51:53,016
Bring the cup
home, baby!
1204
00:51:53,017 --> 00:51:54,085
...these two dildos.
1205
00:51:57,017 --> 00:51:58,752
Every single day,
my career's in jeopardy...
1206
00:52:00,383 --> 00:52:01,715
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking the regulator off
1207
00:52:01,716 --> 00:52:03,017
The pneumatic
propulsion system.
1208
00:52:04,650 --> 00:52:06,416
Give me a beer.
1209
00:52:06,417 --> 00:52:07,285
Grandpa, what did you
really do for the army?
1210
00:52:09,084 --> 00:52:09,883
I told you,
I was a mechanic.
1211
00:52:09,884 --> 00:52:12,082
Bullshit.
1212
00:52:12,083 --> 00:52:15,018
You speak Arabic.
You hotwired a golf cart.
1213
00:52:15,550 --> 00:52:17,716
Tell me the truth.
1214
00:52:17,717 --> 00:52:19,881
All right,
I was Special Forces!
1215
00:52:19,882 --> 00:52:21,448
I trained insurgents
1216
00:52:21,449 --> 00:52:22,947
behind enemy lines
from Vietnam to Iraq.
1217
00:52:22,948 --> 00:52:24,615
Now give me the fucking beer can!
Come on!
1218
00:52:26,016 --> 00:52:27,781
Look at this dummy!
1219
00:52:27,782 --> 00:52:28,815
What an idiot!
1220
00:52:34,081 --> 00:52:35,514
Whoo!
1221
00:52:35,515 --> 00:52:38,581
Yeah! Do it again!
1222
00:52:38,582 --> 00:52:40,748
We can change in Cody's room.
I picked his pocket earlier.
1223
00:52:40,749 --> 00:52:42,913
Nothing
to see here, guys.
1224
00:52:42,914 --> 00:52:43,917
Cops are gonna
come pretty quick.
1225
00:52:46,549 --> 00:52:49,014
No, no, this is his father,
so that's what I'm saying.
1226
00:52:49,015 --> 00:52:50,682
Keep him heavily sedated,
1227
00:52:50,683 --> 00:52:53,447
but don't be afraid to pull
the plug if you have to.
1228
00:52:53,448 --> 00:52:54,681
Thank you, Doctor.
1229
00:52:56,514 --> 00:52:59,680
Okay. They're in the
hospital till tomorrow!
1230
00:52:59,681 --> 00:53:00,981
The room's ours
for the night.
1231
00:53:02,746 --> 00:53:04,812
Look at these
fucking people.
1232
00:53:04,813 --> 00:53:06,879
How was brunch at
Hitler's house that day?
1233
00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:09,579
Hey, Grandpa, who else
in our family knows
1234
00:53:09,580 --> 00:53:12,478
that you were, Special
Forces or whatever?
1235
00:53:12,479 --> 00:53:14,813
No one, once your
grandmother passed.
1236
00:53:14,814 --> 00:53:15,979
Your father
stopped talking to me
1237
00:53:15,980 --> 00:53:17,812
before my missions
were declassified.
1238
00:53:17,813 --> 00:53:20,680
So he always thought
I was just an army mechanic.
1239
00:53:20,681 --> 00:53:22,479
But don't you think
1240
00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:23,712
that you guys would
get along a little better
1241
00:53:23,713 --> 00:53:25,081
if you told him?
1242
00:53:29,079 --> 00:53:30,813
Hey, come on. Let's see
how you look. Come on out.
1243
00:53:36,012 --> 00:53:37,944
First of all,
1244
00:53:37,945 --> 00:53:39,978
nobody wears
a fucking white belt.
1245
00:53:39,979 --> 00:53:41,677
The only people
who wear white belts
1246
00:53:41,678 --> 00:53:42,810
are people who
suck at karate
1247
00:53:42,811 --> 00:53:44,311
and people
who suck at life.
1248
00:53:44,312 --> 00:53:46,710
Take the fucking belt off.
1249
00:53:46,711 --> 00:53:48,877
And you better lose that
fucking white polo shirt
1250
00:53:48,878 --> 00:53:50,877
and those pleated
khaki pants.
1251
00:53:50,878 --> 00:53:52,576
You're meeting up with girls,
not blowing an oil executive
1252
00:53:52,577 --> 00:53:54,510
on a fucking golf course.
1253
00:53:54,511 --> 00:53:55,912
Put these on.
1254
00:53:57,979 --> 00:53:59,743
Well, in case
you forgot,
1255
00:53:59,744 --> 00:54:01,777
I don't even have
underwear, from last night.
1256
00:54:01,778 --> 00:54:03,012
All right, just put them on.
I'll turn around.
1257
00:54:06,310 --> 00:54:07,427
Nice dick.
1258
00:54:07,428 --> 00:54:08,575
Jeez, Grandpa.
1259
00:54:08,576 --> 00:54:10,977
That's a good dick. You
got your grandpa's dick.
1260
00:54:10,978 --> 00:54:12,678
Not the girth, not the
length, but same style.
1261
00:54:14,476 --> 00:54:15,809
That's good to know.
1262
00:54:15,810 --> 00:54:16,877
You're lucky
you're not your dad.
1263
00:54:17,576 --> 00:54:18,678
He's got his mom's dick.
1264
00:54:19,444 --> 00:54:21,343
What the fuck?
1265
00:54:21,344 --> 00:54:23,045
Now put your pants on.
1266
00:54:38,410 --> 00:54:39,640
Shit. It's Meredith.
1267
00:54:39,641 --> 00:54:40,676
Don't answer it.
1268
00:54:41,474 --> 00:54:43,041
My rehearsal brunch
is this weekend.
1269
00:54:43,042 --> 00:54:45,641
No calls.
For one night,
1270
00:54:45,642 --> 00:54:47,708
stop worrying about your wedding.
Please.
1271
00:54:47,709 --> 00:54:49,775
We have two hot, smart,
beautiful college girls
1272
00:54:49,776 --> 00:54:51,441
at the peak
of their sexual powers
1273
00:54:51,442 --> 00:54:52,841
about to meet us at one of
1274
00:54:52,842 --> 00:54:54,641
the last great nightclubs
in Florida.
1275
00:54:54,642 --> 00:54:55,943
Worry about them.
1276
00:54:59,374 --> 00:55:00,310
Okay.
1277
00:55:20,906 --> 00:55:22,972
I don't think you're very
popular here, Grandpa.
1278
00:55:22,973 --> 00:55:25,073
You're the one that's going
to have to watch out.
1279
00:55:25,074 --> 00:55:26,742
You might get Oreo'd.
1280
00:55:27,474 --> 00:55:28,938
Oreo'd?
1281
00:55:28,939 --> 00:55:30,938
That's when two black guys
fuck a white guy.
1282
00:55:30,939 --> 00:55:32,208
You're the cream
in the middle.
1283
00:55:45,074 --> 00:55:45,940
Game on.
1284
00:55:47,906 --> 00:55:50,537
Hey! Glad you guys made it.
1285
00:55:50,538 --> 00:55:52,005
Let's go get
fucked up. Right?
1286
00:55:52,006 --> 00:55:54,106
My stepdad
hates me!
1287
00:55:55,506 --> 00:55:56,640
Let's go!
1288
00:56:05,872 --> 00:56:07,138
Party till you're pregnant!
1289
00:56:11,372 --> 00:56:12,938
My God,
I love this song!
1290
00:56:14,837 --> 00:56:16,604
You're not gonna
die on me, are you?
1291
00:56:16,605 --> 00:56:17,805
- I don't think so.
- All right!
1292
00:56:25,936 --> 00:56:27,538
- Come on.
- No. No.
1293
00:57:00,768 --> 00:57:02,035
You want it? Come here,
give me that hat!
1294
00:57:04,403 --> 00:57:05,203
My God...
1295
00:57:08,668 --> 00:57:10,534
Give me that!
What is this?
1296
00:57:10,535 --> 00:57:13,067
Hey! Hey, hey, hey...
1297
00:57:13,068 --> 00:57:14,868
Leave my illegitimate
black son alone.
1298
00:57:16,302 --> 00:57:17,669
We were just
asking him to dance.
1299
00:57:18,535 --> 00:57:19,933
Well, he don't wanna dance.
1300
00:57:19,934 --> 00:57:21,701
Well, maybe you wanna
dance instead.
1301
00:57:21,702 --> 00:57:22,936
- I don't wanna dance...
- Colonel Sanders!
1302
00:57:23,834 --> 00:57:25,102
It's all right.
It's all right.
1303
00:57:25,901 --> 00:57:28,001
Let's not dirty
this place up.
1304
00:57:28,002 --> 00:57:30,669
It's a shrine. Sinatra
sang here. Parking lot?
1305
00:57:36,733 --> 00:57:38,966
It'll be fine.
1306
00:57:38,967 --> 00:57:41,201
How is this going to be fine?
Look at this crew.
1307
00:57:43,067 --> 00:57:44,067
Come on.
We have a good crew too.
1308
00:57:45,767 --> 00:57:47,634
We have no crew.
1309
00:57:48,000 --> 00:57:49,932
We have no crew.
1310
00:57:49,933 --> 00:57:51,634
Are we going to J.Crew?
1311
00:57:52,034 --> 00:57:53,034
Fuck J.Crew.
1312
00:57:55,867 --> 00:57:57,465
Don't do this.
1313
00:57:57,466 --> 00:57:59,033
I think I'm going
to have to fight them all,
1314
00:57:59,034 --> 00:58:00,798
so you're going to have
to take the first punch.
1315
00:58:00,799 --> 00:58:02,667
- What?
- Okay! He's up first.
1316
00:58:04,334 --> 00:58:05,600
Whatever.
1317
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:07,832
You like that shit,
white boy?
1318
00:58:07,833 --> 00:58:09,463
Dude, what the fuck
is wrong with you?
1319
00:58:09,464 --> 00:58:11,398
What? You want next, bitch?
1320
00:58:11,399 --> 00:58:14,099
Hey, I thought I had next.
1321
00:58:30,599 --> 00:58:33,164
Tell him you're sorry you made
fun of him for being gay.
1322
00:58:34,499 --> 00:58:37,298
I'm sorry I made fun
of you for being gay!
1323
00:58:37,299 --> 00:58:39,397
Tell him you were raised
in a different era,
1324
00:58:39,398 --> 00:58:41,431
but now you know
it's wrong to judge people
1325
00:58:41,432 --> 00:58:43,696
based on their
sexual orientation
1326
00:58:43,697 --> 00:58:45,030
and that if you had to
be gay with someone
1327
00:58:45,031 --> 00:58:46,828
for some reason,
1328
00:58:46,829 --> 00:58:48,728
you know, to prevent a
terrorist attack or something,
1329
00:58:48,729 --> 00:58:49,898
it would be with him.
1330
00:58:50,630 --> 00:58:52,596
What?!
1331
00:58:52,597 --> 00:58:53,863
Say it.
1332
00:58:54,863 --> 00:58:59,063
If I had to be gay
with somebody
1333
00:58:59,064 --> 00:59:01,462
to prevent
a terrorist attack,
1334
00:59:01,463 --> 00:59:03,164
it would be you!
1335
00:59:05,363 --> 00:59:07,198
Apology accepted.
1336
00:59:07,529 --> 00:59:08,696
Okay.
1337
00:59:10,430 --> 00:59:11,964
Get out of here
before I use my other arm.
1338
00:59:15,928 --> 00:59:17,563
This ain't over.
1339
00:59:20,428 --> 00:59:22,228
Now fuck off and take
Jodeci with you.
1340
00:59:23,295 --> 00:59:24,195
Let's roll.
1341
00:59:29,661 --> 00:59:32,693
It's too bad Lenore barfed
all over herself tonight.
1342
00:59:32,694 --> 00:59:34,530
I definitely could have
had sex with her.
1343
00:59:34,928 --> 00:59:36,961
Yup.
1344
00:59:36,962 --> 00:59:39,394
I probably could have
still had sex
1345
00:59:39,395 --> 00:59:40,560
if she just threw up
on her front,
1346
00:59:40,561 --> 00:59:41,994
but she somehow got
it all over her back,
1347
00:59:41,995 --> 00:59:43,562
and I would
have felt bad.
1348
00:59:45,028 --> 00:59:46,530
Well, chivalry
isn't dead.
1349
00:59:48,029 --> 00:59:50,793
I like the way you took
that haymaker tonight.
1350
00:59:50,794 --> 00:59:52,861
Sometimes you just gotta take
that punch up front, you know?
1351
00:59:53,894 --> 00:59:55,561
Then things get easier
in the long run.
1352
01:00:00,694 --> 01:00:02,492
"De Oppresso Liber."
1353
01:00:02,493 --> 01:00:03,525
It's written
on your knife too.
1354
01:00:03,526 --> 01:00:04,561
What does that mean?
1355
01:00:05,894 --> 01:00:09,525
Hey, lights out
after 12:00, boys.
1356
01:00:09,526 --> 01:00:10,858
I better not
catch you swimming
1357
01:00:10,859 --> 01:00:12,560
across the lake
to the girls' camp, okay?
1358
01:00:13,359 --> 01:00:15,026
- Night.
- Good night.
1359
01:00:20,426 --> 01:00:22,358
You know, maybe I'll find
something to do
1360
01:00:22,359 --> 01:00:24,358
with Shadia tomorrow
1361
01:00:24,359 --> 01:00:26,627
and give you and Lenore
a little more alone time.
1362
01:00:31,725 --> 01:00:32,859
I kind of feel like we're
just getting in your way.
1363
01:00:33,491 --> 01:00:35,591
Yeah?
1364
01:00:35,592 --> 01:00:37,290
I'm sure there's
something...
1365
01:00:37,291 --> 01:00:39,159
What the fuck?
Did you just get naked?
1366
01:00:40,759 --> 01:00:41,690
It's the best
way to sleep.
1367
01:00:41,691 --> 01:00:42,758
My God!
1368
01:00:44,391 --> 01:00:46,790
I picked it up in Uganda
from the Umbatdo.
1369
01:00:46,791 --> 01:00:48,890
Umbat-don't let your junk
touch my leg again
1370
01:00:48,891 --> 01:00:50,158
or you're sleeping
on the floor.
1371
01:00:51,725 --> 01:00:52,826
Night.
1372
01:00:53,592 --> 01:00:54,792
Night.
1373
01:01:07,324 --> 01:01:08,557
Jason...
1374
01:01:10,456 --> 01:01:12,124
The fuck! My God!
1375
01:01:18,922 --> 01:01:20,789
What do these guys want to cut
all the trees down for anyway?
1376
01:01:20,790 --> 01:01:22,488
For some stupid, like,
1377
01:01:22,489 --> 01:01:24,721
massive, tacky
entertainment complex.
1378
01:01:24,722 --> 01:01:26,554
You know, the ones with,
like, arcades
1379
01:01:26,555 --> 01:01:28,288
and laser tag.
That sort of thing.
1380
01:01:28,289 --> 01:01:29,523
Laser tag?
I love laser tag.
1381
01:01:29,524 --> 01:01:30,788
Yeah.
1382
01:01:30,789 --> 01:01:32,554
- When does it open?
- Nice. Thanks a lot.
1383
01:01:32,555 --> 01:01:34,521
- Shadia!
- Hi, Griz.
1384
01:01:34,522 --> 01:01:37,989
My God, your pics from
the Boston rally look amazing!
1385
01:01:37,990 --> 01:01:39,821
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Absolutely.
1386
01:01:39,822 --> 01:01:41,987
Sweet Hacky Sack, man.
1387
01:01:41,988 --> 01:01:44,021
It's not a Hacky Sack, dawg.
That's the trade name.
1388
01:01:44,022 --> 01:01:45,656
It's an organic
hemp-seed foot satchel.
1389
01:01:46,656 --> 01:01:47,654
And what's someone
from the fucking
1390
01:01:47,655 --> 01:01:49,021
laser tag lobby
doing here?
1391
01:01:49,022 --> 01:01:50,720
No, I'm just
a friend of Shadia's.
1392
01:01:50,721 --> 01:01:52,453
Just a friend.
1393
01:01:52,454 --> 01:01:54,288
That's pretty cool, man.
What is that, a dance ball?
1394
01:01:54,289 --> 01:01:56,420
Fuck! What the fuck?
1395
01:01:56,421 --> 01:01:58,221
- You're fucking kidding me.
- It's like a...
1396
01:01:58,920 --> 01:02:00,654
What the fuck!
1397
01:02:00,655 --> 01:02:02,256
It's a 4-inch acrylic
juggling orb!
1398
01:02:02,655 --> 01:02:04,354
Dick.
1399
01:02:04,355 --> 01:02:06,953
I'll see you guys
next weekend.
1400
01:02:06,954 --> 01:02:08,719
- Absolutely. Absolutely.
- Yeah? Okay. Bye.
1401
01:02:08,720 --> 01:02:10,053
Love your necklace.
1402
01:02:10,054 --> 01:02:11,188
Bye.
1403
01:02:14,820 --> 01:02:15,921
Hey, Griz...
1404
01:02:17,520 --> 01:02:18,318
Don't touch that,
it's from Laser Tag.
1405
01:02:18,319 --> 01:02:20,385
Sorry.
1406
01:02:20,386 --> 01:02:21,786
They're good people.
I swear.
1407
01:02:21,787 --> 01:02:22,854
Let me see that.
1408
01:02:24,286 --> 01:02:25,451
Where are you going
with these "good people"?
1409
01:02:25,452 --> 01:02:26,685
We're heading out
to the coast
1410
01:02:26,686 --> 01:02:28,820
to... charter
a boat for the year.
1411
01:02:29,419 --> 01:02:30,985
- For the year?
- Yeah.
1412
01:02:30,986 --> 01:02:32,551
To do what?
1413
01:02:32,552 --> 01:02:33,718
We're documenting
the effects
1414
01:02:33,719 --> 01:02:34,786
of climate change
out on the ocean.
1415
01:02:36,787 --> 01:02:38,021
Aren't you supposed
to graduate next weekend?
1416
01:02:39,753 --> 01:02:40,887
Yeah.
1417
01:02:44,587 --> 01:02:45,920
Seems to me like you're
running from something.
1418
01:02:47,918 --> 01:02:49,783
Come on, haven't you
had to make sacrifices
1419
01:02:49,784 --> 01:02:50,853
to get where you are
as a photographer?
1420
01:02:51,951 --> 01:02:53,218
I mean, yeah, but...
1421
01:02:54,984 --> 01:02:56,519
That's different.
1422
01:02:57,985 --> 01:02:59,186
Look at this.
1423
01:03:04,885 --> 01:03:06,585
I hate photos of myself.
1424
01:03:07,019 --> 01:03:08,519
Why?
1425
01:03:08,952 --> 01:03:10,585
You look beautiful.
1426
01:03:12,818 --> 01:03:14,151
See?
1427
01:03:28,516 --> 01:03:29,850
Hey.
1428
01:03:30,883 --> 01:03:32,149
Wait, just calm down.
1429
01:03:32,850 --> 01:03:34,448
What?
1430
01:03:34,449 --> 01:03:35,717
Shit. Yeah,
we'll be right there.
1431
01:03:36,949 --> 01:03:38,016
- What's going on?
- We gotta go.
1432
01:03:39,549 --> 01:03:41,515
And then I came back
from the bathroom
1433
01:03:41,516 --> 01:03:43,315
and all those black guys
from the club
1434
01:03:43,316 --> 01:03:45,715
were, like, standing around
Lenore and Dr. Richards
1435
01:03:45,716 --> 01:03:47,415
and they were yelling at
them and threatening them
1436
01:03:47,416 --> 01:03:49,515
and they, like,
kidnapped them!
1437
01:03:49,516 --> 01:03:50,981
And I think
one of them had a gun!
1438
01:03:50,982 --> 01:03:52,015
Did you see
where they took them?
1439
01:03:52,016 --> 01:03:53,448
No.
1440
01:03:53,449 --> 01:03:54,648
Those guys are staying
at The Tillman.
1441
01:03:54,649 --> 01:03:55,882
That's all I know.
1442
01:03:55,883 --> 01:03:57,251
- Okay.
- Come on!
1443
01:03:58,483 --> 01:03:59,616
- Come on!
- Shit!
1444
01:04:04,614 --> 01:04:06,149
What?
1445
01:04:07,448 --> 01:04:08,549
I smell marijuana.
1446
01:04:13,681 --> 01:04:14,480
What are you going to
do with a bucket?
1447
01:04:14,481 --> 01:04:15,681
I don't know!
1448
01:04:16,414 --> 01:04:18,681
Okay, on three. Ready?
1449
01:04:19,615 --> 01:04:22,082
One, two, three!
1450
01:04:24,315 --> 01:04:26,314
Okay, let me try
one more time.
1451
01:04:26,315 --> 01:04:28,947
The GZA, the RZA,
1452
01:04:30,681 --> 01:04:32,680
Ol' Dirty Bastard.
1453
01:04:32,681 --> 01:04:33,679
What's going on?
1454
01:04:33,680 --> 01:04:35,645
Gang stuff.
1455
01:04:35,646 --> 01:04:37,014
Raekwon the Chef!
1456
01:04:37,646 --> 01:04:39,881
And the Method Man!
1457
01:04:44,313 --> 01:04:46,511
Hey! Here they are!
How was the protest?
1458
01:04:46,512 --> 01:04:47,912
It was good.
1459
01:04:47,913 --> 01:04:49,147
Yeah, it was good.
1460
01:04:50,747 --> 01:04:53,312
This is Lamar,
Lil' Chris, Big Chris,
1461
01:04:53,313 --> 01:04:54,911
Murray Finkelstein.
1462
01:04:54,912 --> 01:04:57,379
And, of course, you've
already met Ty-rizone.
1463
01:04:57,380 --> 01:04:59,946
That nigga's crazy, man.
1464
01:04:59,947 --> 01:05:01,045
Yeah, what's with
the N-word, anyway?
1465
01:05:01,046 --> 01:05:02,711
I can say it.
I can't say it...
1466
01:05:02,712 --> 01:05:04,345
You can say it
when we let you say it.
1467
01:05:04,346 --> 01:05:06,411
Which is never.
1468
01:05:06,412 --> 01:05:08,113
Just never say that
under any circumstances.
1469
01:05:12,778 --> 01:05:13,880
Shotgun!
1470
01:05:17,910 --> 01:05:19,876
What the fuck is going on?
1471
01:05:19,877 --> 01:05:21,343
I thought these guys
wanted to kill you!
1472
01:05:21,344 --> 01:05:22,978
Lebanese Red.
1473
01:05:24,279 --> 01:05:25,477
I had some of this left over
1474
01:05:25,478 --> 01:05:26,743
from my time
in the Middle East.
1475
01:05:26,744 --> 01:05:28,643
You throw some of
this shit around,
1476
01:05:28,644 --> 01:05:29,744
you can really
get away with anything.
1477
01:05:30,045 --> 01:05:31,509
Have some.
1478
01:05:31,510 --> 01:05:32,513
You're smoking
grass now?
1479
01:05:33,411 --> 01:05:35,777
Jesus, this is a
gateway drug, Grandpa.
1480
01:05:35,778 --> 01:05:37,610
Yeah, well, you just opened
the gateway to being a pussy.
1481
01:05:37,611 --> 01:05:38,676
- Take some.
- Yo, D.
1482
01:05:38,677 --> 01:05:40,442
Let's fucking bounce!
1483
01:05:40,443 --> 01:05:41,878
Let's fucking bounce!
1484
01:05:42,311 --> 01:05:43,246
Where?
1485
01:06:04,009 --> 01:06:05,342
Can I say it?
Can I say it?
1486
01:06:05,343 --> 01:06:06,974
No! No, no.
1487
01:06:06,975 --> 01:06:08,126
Say it!
1488
01:06:08,127 --> 01:06:09,576
Say that shit!
1489
01:06:18,476 --> 01:06:20,040
I'm totally gonna
fuck him tonight.
1490
01:06:20,041 --> 01:06:21,574
Can I watch?
1491
01:06:21,575 --> 01:06:22,675
'Cause I kind of want
to fuck him too now.
1492
01:06:25,475 --> 01:06:28,009
Drop the mic, baby!
Drop the mic, baby!
1493
01:06:28,066 --> 01:06:29,365
That's what
I'm talking about!
1494
01:06:29,366 --> 01:06:30,831
Peace out, niggas!
1495
01:06:30,832 --> 01:06:31,763
I see you, boy.
1496
01:06:31,764 --> 01:06:32,933
Nasty!
1497
01:06:36,265 --> 01:06:39,029
Up next we have
Shadia and Jason!
1498
01:06:39,030 --> 01:06:40,198
Yep, it's us now.
1499
01:06:41,330 --> 01:06:43,364
What? No. No, no, no, no.
1500
01:06:44,163 --> 01:06:45,795
- No...
- Come on.
1501
01:06:45,796 --> 01:06:47,494
We can't top that.
I don't want to do this.
1502
01:06:48,963 --> 01:06:52,428
You know the song.
You know every word. See?
1503
01:06:53,727 --> 01:06:55,228
You're going to make me
do it all alone?
1504
01:06:55,793 --> 01:06:57,027
Fine.
1505
01:06:58,959 --> 01:07:01,191
Hey.
1506
01:08:11,344 --> 01:08:13,043
Damn!
1507
01:08:24,340 --> 01:08:25,940
Who are you?
1508
01:08:29,006 --> 01:08:31,970
I'm just saying,
who sings that well
1509
01:08:31,971 --> 01:08:33,771
and isn't
a professional singer?
1510
01:08:33,772 --> 01:08:36,237
You're so good at singing
you actually suck!
1511
01:08:36,238 --> 01:08:37,868
You guys want to come up
for a nightcap?
1512
01:08:37,869 --> 01:08:40,068
Yeah, well...
1513
01:08:40,069 --> 01:08:42,070
See if shit gets real?
1514
01:08:43,635 --> 01:08:46,799
Well, young
Michael Buble and I
1515
01:08:46,800 --> 01:08:48,803
are gonna have a stogie
by the pool, so...
1516
01:08:51,233 --> 01:08:52,334
- See you up there?
- Yeah.
1517
01:08:59,299 --> 01:09:00,930
I want you to know
how much I appreciate
1518
01:09:00,931 --> 01:09:02,131
you doing this
for me, Jason.
1519
01:09:04,265 --> 01:09:06,129
The greatest gift a grandson
can give his grandfather
1520
01:09:06,130 --> 01:09:07,930
is a hot college girl who
1521
01:09:07,931 --> 01:09:10,064
wants to have unprotected sex
with him before he dies.
1522
01:09:11,328 --> 01:09:15,163
Yeah, well, most grandpas
just want toffee.
1523
01:09:19,161 --> 01:09:20,328
What's the matter?
1524
01:09:22,593 --> 01:09:24,194
I think I'm gonna
call off my wedding.
1525
01:09:27,559 --> 01:09:31,989
Well, when you get married,
it's for a long fucking time.
1526
01:09:31,990 --> 01:09:33,123
And it's hard.
1527
01:09:34,324 --> 01:09:36,155
So it damn well
better be with a woman
1528
01:09:36,156 --> 01:09:37,423
who keeps things
interesting.
1529
01:09:38,990 --> 01:09:40,288
You know
your grandmother,
1530
01:09:40,289 --> 01:09:41,823
she tried to grow her
own pot plant once?
1531
01:09:43,588 --> 01:09:45,220
- Really?
- Yeah,
1532
01:09:45,221 --> 01:09:46,488
She just wanted to see
if she could do it.
1533
01:09:49,055 --> 01:09:50,921
She was always
surprising me like that.
1534
01:09:53,954 --> 01:09:56,052
We also tried anal
once every five years.
1535
01:09:58,053 --> 01:09:59,453
Sweet.
1536
01:10:01,584 --> 01:10:03,484
I miss having someone
to share everything with.
1537
01:10:06,883 --> 01:10:08,017
It's not fair
to just keep Shadia
1538
01:10:08,018 --> 01:10:09,251
in the dark like this.
1539
01:10:10,917 --> 01:10:13,946
Since we started this,
it's just been one big lie.
1540
01:10:13,947 --> 01:10:15,515
She has no idea who I am.
1541
01:10:16,980 --> 01:10:18,215
I have to tell
her the truth.
1542
01:10:19,748 --> 01:10:22,413
Well, maybe telling her
tonight is a little abrupt.
1543
01:10:24,046 --> 01:10:26,111
The most important part
of a relationship is trust.
1544
01:10:26,112 --> 01:10:28,211
That's right.
1545
01:10:28,212 --> 01:10:30,609
And I'm going
to start now.
1546
01:10:30,610 --> 01:10:33,110
Or you can just wait till I
have sex with Lenore tonight,
1547
01:10:33,111 --> 01:10:34,911
then you can
tell Shadia everything.
1548
01:10:35,777 --> 01:10:37,808
No. I'm just lying.
1549
01:10:37,809 --> 01:10:40,541
Jason,
I'm your grandfather!
1550
01:10:40,542 --> 01:10:41,975
You wait till I fuck
that college girl!
1551
01:10:41,976 --> 01:10:43,543
- I'm telling her now.
- Jason...
1552
01:10:44,175 --> 01:10:45,543
Jason! Jason!
1553
01:10:45,975 --> 01:10:47,307
Jason!
1554
01:10:47,308 --> 01:10:48,508
Jason!
1555
01:10:51,741 --> 01:10:52,807
'Sup, brah?
1556
01:10:55,006 --> 01:10:57,304
Back off, D cups!
1557
01:10:57,305 --> 01:11:00,738
Well, if it isn't
the "Professor."
1558
01:11:00,739 --> 01:11:02,669
You know, it's amazing
what you can find
1559
01:11:02,670 --> 01:11:04,537
with a name
and Google these days.
1560
01:11:04,538 --> 01:11:06,270
You're not
a real professor?
1561
01:11:06,271 --> 01:11:08,902
My God! You lied to us.
How could you.
1562
01:11:08,903 --> 01:11:10,302
Wait, wait, wait,
this is the best part.
1563
01:11:10,303 --> 01:11:11,336
This is the best part.
1564
01:11:13,201 --> 01:11:16,134
Richard "Dick" Kelly,
Lieutenant Colonel
1565
01:11:16,135 --> 01:11:17,868
in the United States Army,
1566
01:11:19,066 --> 01:11:22,831
also known as the
American Gladiator "Nitro."
1567
01:11:22,832 --> 01:11:24,798
What the fuck
did you Google?
1568
01:11:24,799 --> 01:11:29,030
Okay, well, there's
another best part then.
1569
01:11:29,031 --> 01:11:33,962
"Jason Patrick Kelly will wed
Meredith Miriam Goldstein
1570
01:11:33,963 --> 01:11:37,728
"at Jericho Temple
on Saturday, March 27th."
1571
01:11:37,729 --> 01:11:42,027
Wait, that's...
next Saturday.
1572
01:11:42,028 --> 01:11:45,760
Wait, you're grandfather
and grandson?
1573
01:11:45,761 --> 01:11:47,894
My God!
That is so fucked up.
1574
01:11:47,895 --> 01:11:50,028
That is so hot. I mean,
that is so fucked up.
1575
01:11:53,559 --> 01:11:55,526
So...
1576
01:11:57,025 --> 01:11:58,392
Are you getting married
next weekend?
1577
01:11:59,691 --> 01:12:02,723
I was.
I was getting married,
1578
01:12:02,724 --> 01:12:04,022
but then I met you,
and now I don't...
1579
01:12:04,023 --> 01:12:05,424
My God!
No. Don't pull that shit.
1580
01:12:08,156 --> 01:12:09,889
I feel fucking stupid
enough as it is.
1581
01:12:14,787 --> 01:12:17,519
So you're not a professor?
Are you even a photographer?
1582
01:12:17,520 --> 01:12:18,920
I'm a lawyer.
1583
01:12:21,186 --> 01:12:23,019
I handle
SEC compliance.
1584
01:12:24,952 --> 01:12:26,618
LLC agreements.
1585
01:12:26,619 --> 01:12:27,783
I came up here to...
1586
01:12:27,784 --> 01:12:29,583
Get the fuck out, Jason.
Seriously.
1587
01:12:29,584 --> 01:12:30,084
Can I have
a second to explain?
1588
01:12:30,085 --> 01:12:31,783
No!
1589
01:12:31,784 --> 01:12:34,052
Hold up, hold up.
Not so fast, "Professor."
1590
01:12:36,516 --> 01:12:38,516
For what's it worth,
1591
01:12:38,517 --> 01:12:40,147
I still really
want to fuck you.
1592
01:12:40,148 --> 01:12:41,149
And we're going to fuck.
1593
01:12:41,150 --> 01:12:42,180
Yeah, we are.
1594
01:12:42,181 --> 01:12:43,514
We're going to thunder fuck.
1595
01:12:43,515 --> 01:12:44,514
You're gonna
tsunami on my face!
1596
01:12:46,013 --> 01:12:47,846
You're gonna
flood like the Nile.
1597
01:12:47,847 --> 01:12:50,078
Yeah. I guess the drought
in my pussy is finally over.
1598
01:12:50,079 --> 01:12:52,111
The villagers
will finally eat.
1599
01:12:52,112 --> 01:12:53,078
You're gonna die
while you're eating me out.
1600
01:12:53,079 --> 01:12:55,178
I want your last breath
to be in my pussy.
1601
01:12:55,179 --> 01:12:56,512
Lenore!
You're such a slut.
1602
01:12:56,513 --> 01:12:58,245
Police!
1603
01:12:58,246 --> 01:13:00,109
That's right.
Po-po in the ho-ho.
1604
01:13:00,110 --> 01:13:01,277
Some kind of ganja party?
1605
01:13:01,278 --> 01:13:03,177
Sorry to harsh your mellows.
1606
01:13:03,178 --> 01:13:04,208
Where's my e-vite?
1607
01:13:04,209 --> 01:13:05,842
Is that the jacket?
1608
01:13:05,843 --> 01:13:06,542
Check the right coat pocket.
Check it, man.
1609
01:13:06,543 --> 01:13:07,908
Okay, turn around.
Come on.
1610
01:13:07,909 --> 01:13:09,008
That's my jacket.
That's not his jacket.
1611
01:13:09,009 --> 01:13:10,075
Up against
the palm. There you go.
1612
01:13:10,076 --> 01:13:12,907
Let's have a look.
What've you got in here?
1613
01:13:12,908 --> 01:13:14,539
- Bingo-bango.
- OMG.
1614
01:13:14,540 --> 01:13:15,706
What the fuck?
That's not mine!
1615
01:13:15,707 --> 01:13:16,774
"What the fuck?"
1616
01:13:16,775 --> 01:13:17,874
That's not mine!
1617
01:13:17,875 --> 01:13:19,639
The fuck? Well,
it looks like Spring Break
1618
01:13:19,640 --> 01:13:21,939
is finally drug free!
1619
01:13:21,940 --> 01:13:23,170
Come on, let's go.
Let's go, pretty boy.
1620
01:13:23,171 --> 01:13:25,171
Shall we?
1621
01:13:25,172 --> 01:13:27,103
No, it doesn't go down
that way. Let's go.
1622
01:13:27,104 --> 01:13:28,870
I'll wait for you, Grandpa.
1623
01:13:28,871 --> 01:13:29,905
Keep that shit
tight for me!
1624
01:13:30,538 --> 01:13:31,772
He's my Henry Miller.
1625
01:13:33,169 --> 01:13:34,502
What the fuck
does that mean?
1626
01:13:34,503 --> 01:13:36,037
Exactly!
1627
01:13:38,735 --> 01:13:40,335
Hey, there he is.
1628
01:13:41,868 --> 01:13:43,167
You got blood on your
pants, you know.
1629
01:13:43,168 --> 01:13:45,099
Your license isn't
even suspended, is it?
1630
01:13:45,100 --> 01:13:47,499
You made all this up just so
I'd come down here with you.
1631
01:13:47,500 --> 01:13:48,999
I had to make
sure you'd come.
1632
01:13:49,665 --> 01:13:51,232
Fuck you!
1633
01:13:51,233 --> 01:13:52,899
Just chill, Jason.
Hakuna matata.
1634
01:13:55,532 --> 01:13:57,696
Who the fuck are you?
1635
01:13:57,697 --> 01:13:59,064
I should have known
you were fucking crazy
1636
01:13:59,065 --> 01:14:00,696
the moment you started
hitting on women
1637
01:14:00,697 --> 01:14:02,796
the day after
Grandma's funeral!
1638
01:14:02,797 --> 01:14:04,629
Don't you fucking
judge me.
1639
01:14:04,630 --> 01:14:06,795
You have no idea what I had
with your grandmother.
1640
01:14:06,796 --> 01:14:07,928
And everything I've done
these last few days
1641
01:14:07,929 --> 01:14:09,927
I've done for a reason.
1642
01:14:09,928 --> 01:14:11,960
You were about to fuck up
royally by getting married,
1643
01:14:11,961 --> 01:14:13,726
- and you fucking know it!
- Yeah?
1644
01:14:13,727 --> 01:14:15,128
What the fuck
am I supposed to do now?
1645
01:14:17,159 --> 01:14:18,759
Chase around
some college girl
1646
01:14:18,760 --> 01:14:21,023
that doesn't even
want to fucking talk to me?
1647
01:14:21,024 --> 01:14:22,824
Not know what the fuck I'm
doing for the rest of my life?
1648
01:14:22,825 --> 01:14:23,691
Yeah, because at least
you'd be thinking
1649
01:14:23,692 --> 01:14:24,924
for yourself for a change.
1650
01:14:24,925 --> 01:14:26,723
What the fuck
does that even mean?
1651
01:14:26,724 --> 01:14:28,556
Your father has lorded
over every decision
1652
01:14:28,557 --> 01:14:30,490
you've made
in your adult life,
1653
01:14:30,491 --> 01:14:32,688
and Meredith is just
the latest example of that!
1654
01:14:32,689 --> 01:14:34,654
She's not
right for you, Jason.
1655
01:14:34,655 --> 01:14:36,155
If you marry her, you're
going to be sleepwalking
1656
01:14:36,156 --> 01:14:37,187
through the rest of your life
and be completely unhappy,
1657
01:14:37,188 --> 01:14:38,688
just like your father!
1658
01:14:38,689 --> 01:14:41,053
I am already
unhappy with my life,
1659
01:14:41,054 --> 01:14:44,620
because I've done nothing
but get fucked by you
1660
01:14:44,621 --> 01:14:47,019
and this insane fuck rampage
that you've been on.
1661
01:14:47,020 --> 01:14:48,886
It wasn't
a "fuck rampage" for me.
1662
01:14:48,887 --> 01:14:50,021
It was
a "fuck rampage" for you.
1663
01:14:50,618 --> 01:14:52,218
How? How is this for me?
1664
01:14:52,219 --> 01:14:53,484
I fucked up
as a father.
1665
01:14:53,485 --> 01:14:54,785
I wasn't there
to raise your dad
1666
01:14:54,786 --> 01:14:56,850
and he turned into
a materialistic,
1667
01:14:56,851 --> 01:14:59,983
henpecked, poop-dick
country clubber.
1668
01:14:59,984 --> 01:15:01,250
I don't want that
to happen to you.
1669
01:15:01,617 --> 01:15:03,251
So that's what this was?
1670
01:15:06,549 --> 01:15:08,117
I was your last-ditch
redemption project.
1671
01:15:14,513 --> 01:15:16,246
Congratulations,
Grandpa.
1672
01:15:16,247 --> 01:15:17,848
You thought you were
a shitty father?
1673
01:15:20,078 --> 01:15:21,279
Now you're
a shitty grandfather.
1674
01:15:25,044 --> 01:15:26,244
I don't want to see you
at my wedding.
1675
01:15:27,810 --> 01:15:28,877
Stay the fuck
away from me.
1676
01:16:12,600 --> 01:16:14,702
So, do you like this
size, or this size?
1677
01:16:25,965 --> 01:16:28,696
Hey, hon,
the people at the venue
1678
01:16:28,697 --> 01:16:30,562
said they don't have
enough mint napkins,
1679
01:16:30,563 --> 01:16:34,129
so which one
do you like better?
1680
01:16:34,130 --> 01:16:37,097
The seafoam or
the pistachio?
1681
01:16:39,127 --> 01:16:40,229
I'll get it.
1682
01:16:55,723 --> 01:16:57,722
What is it?
1683
01:16:57,723 --> 01:17:00,855
It's... Just another
wedding present.
1684
01:17:00,856 --> 01:17:02,620
I hope it's that
new big dipping spoon
1685
01:17:02,621 --> 01:17:04,222
from Williams-Sonoma.
1686
01:17:15,087 --> 01:17:18,986
...and as a tribute
to Meredith and Jason
1687
01:17:20,119 --> 01:17:21,984
and the love
that you guys share.
1688
01:17:21,985 --> 01:17:24,018
A love I will never know
because my dog
1689
01:17:24,019 --> 01:17:25,749
died the first day
I masturbated.
1690
01:17:25,750 --> 01:17:26,550
So now I can't
get hard unless...
1691
01:17:26,551 --> 01:17:28,482
Okay.
1692
01:17:28,483 --> 01:17:31,349
Also, we've got to stop ISIS.
It's gotten... It's too much.
1693
01:17:34,483 --> 01:17:36,513
Got it. Got it.
1694
01:17:36,514 --> 01:17:39,681
You know, today's celebration
is much more
1695
01:17:39,682 --> 01:17:43,779
than just about the union
of two people,
1696
01:17:43,780 --> 01:17:45,478
it's also about the union
of two families.
1697
01:17:45,479 --> 01:17:46,711
Meredith...
1698
01:17:46,712 --> 01:17:47,813
The Kellys and the Goldsteins.
1699
01:17:49,911 --> 01:17:52,679
Let's have Jason and Meredith
tell their own story.
1700
01:17:57,811 --> 01:17:59,344
Nice job,
Uncle Dave!
1701
01:18:45,000 --> 01:18:46,100
Let's go in for the kill.
1702
01:18:56,496 --> 01:18:58,329
You've been hacked.
1703
01:19:28,157 --> 01:19:29,658
Because you loved me.
1704
01:19:44,619 --> 01:19:45,787
What the fuck?
1705
01:19:48,718 --> 01:19:50,153
That is not
Martha's Vineyard.
1706
01:19:51,551 --> 01:19:52,718
Jason!
1707
01:19:55,418 --> 01:19:56,948
- Take it off!
- Trying, dear. Trying.
1708
01:19:56,949 --> 01:19:58,149
Leave them on.
1709
01:19:58,150 --> 01:19:59,783
Shut it down.
1710
01:19:59,784 --> 01:20:00,916
I have something to say.
1711
01:20:04,616 --> 01:20:08,179
I think I've been listening
to everybody else
1712
01:20:08,180 --> 01:20:10,812
about what I should be
doing with my life.
1713
01:20:10,813 --> 01:20:13,413
My grandpa said something
really interesting.
1714
01:20:13,414 --> 01:20:14,648
All right, cut the mics.
I'm going up.
1715
01:20:15,545 --> 01:20:17,844
...take that punch,
1716
01:20:17,845 --> 01:20:19,012
that point forward,
things get easier.
1717
01:20:21,644 --> 01:20:22,910
- The mic's off.
- Jason, your mic cut out.
1718
01:20:22,911 --> 01:20:24,542
What?
1719
01:20:24,543 --> 01:20:26,108
Your mic cut out at the
most inopportune time,
1720
01:20:26,109 --> 01:20:27,876
so we can't hear
1721
01:20:27,877 --> 01:20:29,076
why you want to leave
those images up.
1722
01:20:30,175 --> 01:20:31,841
Hitting it won't work.
1723
01:20:31,842 --> 01:20:33,276
If they caught it
from the PA... Band?
1724
01:20:33,876 --> 01:20:35,075
What the fuck?
1725
01:20:36,141 --> 01:20:37,208
Nick, can you
tell her something for me?
1726
01:20:38,574 --> 01:20:40,173
Can you tell her
that...
1727
01:20:42,507 --> 01:20:46,872
I'm really sorry,
but I can't marry her.
1728
01:20:46,873 --> 01:20:49,338
You think that message
should come from me? Okay...
1729
01:20:51,604 --> 01:20:53,137
Uncle Ramon,
1730
01:20:53,138 --> 01:20:55,402
can you tell Meredith
that Jason's sorry,
1731
01:20:55,403 --> 01:20:56,737
but that they
can't get married?
1732
01:21:00,136 --> 01:21:01,169
Fuck!
1733
01:21:03,900 --> 01:21:05,134
I forgot Uncle Ramon
was deaf
1734
01:21:05,135 --> 01:21:06,901
and I talked to him
like a normal.
1735
01:21:08,699 --> 01:21:10,565
Uncle Ruben,
1736
01:21:10,566 --> 01:21:12,931
can you please tell Meredith
that Jason is really sorry,
1737
01:21:12,932 --> 01:21:14,265
but that he can't marry her?
1738
01:21:17,599 --> 01:21:21,931
He says he's very sorry,
but he can't marry you.
1739
01:21:22,131 --> 01:21:24,562
Uncle Ruben,
1740
01:21:24,563 --> 01:21:25,896
can you turn
that thing up a little?
1741
01:21:25,897 --> 01:21:28,660
It doesn't get any louder.
1742
01:21:28,661 --> 01:21:29,996
Where'd you get
that thing, SkyMall?
1743
01:21:31,863 --> 01:21:33,594
At this point,
I'm kind of nervous
1744
01:21:33,595 --> 01:21:35,296
that anybody I pick
will have a disability.
1745
01:21:36,460 --> 01:21:38,760
Okay... Waiter...
Hey, Pubes.
1746
01:21:40,959 --> 01:21:43,491
Can you please
go tell Meredith
1747
01:21:43,492 --> 01:21:44,858
that my cousin Jason
is very sorry,
1748
01:21:44,859 --> 01:21:45,893
but they cannot
get married?
1749
01:21:47,923 --> 01:21:49,590
Come on, man.
It's my first day...
1750
01:21:49,591 --> 01:21:50,856
I know
it's your first day,
1751
01:21:50,857 --> 01:21:52,124
but everybody needs
you to be a man here.
1752
01:21:53,157 --> 01:21:54,224
Okay.
1753
01:21:57,456 --> 01:21:59,154
Just real quick...
1754
01:21:59,155 --> 01:22:01,756
He sent me... He wants
me to tell you that...
1755
01:22:04,955 --> 01:22:06,389
He doesn't think
that he can marry you.
1756
01:22:08,652 --> 01:22:10,021
But that he's sorry
that he can't.
1757
01:22:16,384 --> 01:22:18,884
She's laughing, so I think
that you're in the clear, bro.
1758
01:22:18,885 --> 01:22:20,650
No, it's good.
That was good.
1759
01:22:20,651 --> 01:22:21,884
You can just
go back and tell him
1760
01:22:23,784 --> 01:22:25,285
that I fucked his cousin
Nick while he was gone.
1761
01:22:27,749 --> 01:22:30,048
She's so super
cool about it.
1762
01:22:30,049 --> 01:22:33,447
She's like, "Go!
Do your thing. Do you."
1763
01:22:33,448 --> 01:22:34,879
She said that?
1764
01:22:34,880 --> 01:22:37,012
That's what she said,
verbatim.
1765
01:22:37,013 --> 01:22:38,546
Wait. Should I come down
and say bye?
1766
01:22:38,547 --> 01:22:39,546
No. God! Fuck no!
1767
01:22:39,547 --> 01:22:40,910
No?
1768
01:22:40,911 --> 01:22:42,644
Yeah. No need to even...
Let's not even...
1769
01:22:42,645 --> 01:22:44,747
You just... I've done it...
We're great!
1770
01:22:46,479 --> 01:22:47,610
Wait, where the fuck
is he going?
1771
01:22:47,611 --> 01:22:48,944
Jason!
1772
01:22:48,978 --> 01:22:50,145
Jason!
1773
01:23:01,574 --> 01:23:03,608
It's actually the guy on
the moped with the iPad.
1774
01:23:05,074 --> 01:23:07,141
NSA stopped using
utility vans years ago.
1775
01:23:08,973 --> 01:23:10,804
I figured once you sent
the camera back,
1776
01:23:10,805 --> 01:23:12,107
it was time to take
drastic measures.
1777
01:23:13,105 --> 01:23:14,671
What'd he say?
Are we doing this?
1778
01:23:14,672 --> 01:23:17,437
Plan B,
have Pam kidnap you.
1779
01:23:17,438 --> 01:23:18,903
I've got to
get her back.
1780
01:23:18,904 --> 01:23:20,103
You want me
to kidnap her?
1781
01:23:20,104 --> 01:23:22,770
I'll bring her back to you
in a box, bro.
1782
01:23:22,771 --> 01:23:25,801
She's on a bus headed west
on I-85 across Florida.
1783
01:23:25,802 --> 01:23:27,669
Her boat leaves
in four hours.
1784
01:23:27,670 --> 01:23:29,000
It was easy
to track her down
1785
01:23:29,001 --> 01:23:30,867
because of the whole
Middle Eastern thing.
1786
01:23:30,868 --> 01:23:32,034
Bet you never thought
you'd 69 a girl
1787
01:23:32,035 --> 01:23:33,101
because of the Patriot Act.
1788
01:23:33,102 --> 01:23:34,868
You 69 her, man!
1789
01:23:35,733 --> 01:23:37,899
And then she's dead.
1790
01:23:37,900 --> 01:23:39,698
Are you kidding me, Pam?
This is what you drive?
1791
01:23:39,699 --> 01:23:41,997
Yeah, it is so easy
selling kids drugs
1792
01:23:41,998 --> 01:23:43,132
from an ice cream truck.
It's crazy!
1793
01:23:43,764 --> 01:23:45,397
Jason!
1794
01:23:45,398 --> 01:23:46,731
- Jason!
- Go, go, go, go!
1795
01:23:46,732 --> 01:23:47,997
Jason, stop!
Stop right now.
1796
01:23:47,998 --> 01:23:48,798
Stop! Stop!
1797
01:23:49,863 --> 01:23:51,428
If you leave right now,
1798
01:23:51,429 --> 01:23:53,527
you can kiss your job
at the firm goodbye!
1799
01:23:53,528 --> 01:23:55,063
David, will you get
the fuck out of the way!
1800
01:23:56,529 --> 01:23:58,130
Hey, hey! Come on!
1801
01:23:58,794 --> 01:24:00,527
What the hell!
1802
01:24:00,528 --> 01:24:02,494
Hey, guy, unless you want
a Chipwich or some heroin,
1803
01:24:02,495 --> 01:24:04,360
get off my ice cream truck!
1804
01:24:04,361 --> 01:24:05,692
Who the fuck is this slob?
1805
01:24:05,693 --> 01:24:07,827
Slob? I am a small
business owner!
1806
01:24:07,828 --> 01:24:09,858
I am the backbone
of this country!
1807
01:24:09,859 --> 01:24:11,159
I am holding a taser!
1808
01:24:12,526 --> 01:24:14,090
- Shit!
- Dude, should I stop?
1809
01:24:14,091 --> 01:24:15,691
What are you...
1810
01:24:15,692 --> 01:24:16,590
I'm kind of in the
middle of it right here.
1811
01:24:16,591 --> 01:24:18,725
Shit! All right.
1812
01:24:20,491 --> 01:24:21,991
Raise your hand
if you've got a boner!
1813
01:24:23,955 --> 01:24:25,355
What were we
supposed to do?
1814
01:24:25,356 --> 01:24:26,623
Just leave him
on the side of road?
1815
01:24:27,887 --> 01:24:29,487
Hey, man, can you slow down?
1816
01:24:29,488 --> 01:24:31,520
You're making this
very difficult.
1817
01:24:31,521 --> 01:24:32,786
What the fuck!
That was you who drew
1818
01:24:32,787 --> 01:24:34,053
all those dicks
on me last week?
1819
01:24:34,054 --> 01:24:34,953
Yeah, I drew the dicks.
Busted!
1820
01:24:34,954 --> 01:24:36,519
My God!
1821
01:24:36,520 --> 01:24:38,018
Shit!
1822
01:24:38,019 --> 01:24:39,652
Don't worry. Get up. We'll cut
through the back roads.
1823
01:24:39,653 --> 01:24:40,986
- Wait, what?
- You navigate. I'll drive.
1824
01:24:46,751 --> 01:24:48,185
Watch out! Watch out!
1825
01:24:58,481 --> 01:24:59,849
What the hell
is going on?
1826
01:25:03,447 --> 01:25:04,847
- Got ourselves a bogey.
- All right, let's do this!
1827
01:25:11,379 --> 01:25:13,610
Fuck! We gotta
lose some of this weight.
1828
01:25:13,611 --> 01:25:15,711
Pam, throw some
of this shit out of here!
1829
01:25:15,712 --> 01:25:18,811
Hey, look, it's Pam.
He's the good kind of Greek.
1830
01:25:20,577 --> 01:25:21,677
Hey, Gene.
Hey, Gary.
1831
01:25:25,109 --> 01:25:26,641
How the hell do you know
how to drive like that, Dad?
1832
01:25:28,009 --> 01:25:29,642
Damn it, Grandpa.
Just tell him!
1833
01:25:31,440 --> 01:25:33,106
I was a Green Beret
in Special Forces.
1834
01:25:33,107 --> 01:25:35,472
I taught insurgents
behind enemy lines.
1835
01:25:35,473 --> 01:25:36,707
Mechanic was just my cover.
1836
01:25:37,440 --> 01:25:38,707
Good! We're all made up!
1837
01:25:40,371 --> 01:25:41,838
There they are!
That's them! Let's go, go, go!
1838
01:25:45,570 --> 01:25:46,654
Shadia!
1839
01:25:46,655 --> 01:25:47,770
Jason?
1840
01:25:47,771 --> 01:25:50,335
Stop the bus!
I need to talk to you!
1841
01:25:50,336 --> 01:25:51,569
What are you doing here
1842
01:25:51,570 --> 01:25:52,336
- in an ice cream truck?
- Stop the bus!
1843
01:25:52,337 --> 01:25:53,536
Okay!
1844
01:25:53,537 --> 01:25:54,668
Pull over!
1845
01:25:54,669 --> 01:25:56,901
I'm not pulling over!
1846
01:25:56,902 --> 01:25:59,765
Thanks a lot, Pam!
You narc!
1847
01:25:59,766 --> 01:26:01,932
What! I'm not a narc, Barry!
1848
01:26:01,933 --> 01:26:03,033
Fuck you!
1849
01:26:03,034 --> 01:26:04,731
Pam, you know him?
1850
01:26:04,732 --> 01:26:06,564
Barry? Yeah, he's, like,
my best friend.
1851
01:26:06,565 --> 01:26:09,497
I sold him, like,
six tons of ecstasy...!
1852
01:26:09,498 --> 01:26:10,930
That's why they're not
stopping the bus.
1853
01:26:10,931 --> 01:26:12,233
It's full of drugs.
1854
01:26:13,699 --> 01:26:15,063
Classic Pam.
1855
01:26:15,064 --> 01:26:16,663
- I know that man.
- Stop the bus!
1856
01:26:16,664 --> 01:26:18,697
Jason, where are you going?
1857
01:26:18,698 --> 01:26:19,697
What are you doing?
1858
01:26:21,329 --> 01:26:22,163
What are they...
1859
01:26:34,693 --> 01:26:36,091
You'd better
marry that girl.
1860
01:26:36,092 --> 01:26:38,060
Me? Nah, she's not really
my type. Too skinny.
1861
01:26:48,357 --> 01:26:49,558
What the fuck?
1862
01:26:50,756 --> 01:26:51,957
Slow down!
My God!
1863
01:26:52,622 --> 01:26:53,888
What are you doing?
1864
01:26:56,588 --> 01:26:57,889
Slow down, dude!
1865
01:27:06,319 --> 01:27:07,450
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
1866
01:27:07,451 --> 01:27:08,652
Go get her, man!
1867
01:27:09,952 --> 01:27:11,918
What is going on?
What just happened?
1868
01:27:11,919 --> 01:27:13,317
Hey. I don't even
fucking know,
1869
01:27:13,318 --> 01:27:15,749
but I'm not
getting married.
1870
01:27:15,750 --> 01:27:19,748
Okay, so that makes it okay
that you were lying to me?
1871
01:27:19,749 --> 01:27:21,749
No. No, it doesn't.
1872
01:27:21,750 --> 01:27:23,348
But you have to admit that
when we were together
1873
01:27:23,349 --> 01:27:24,747
it felt great.
1874
01:27:24,748 --> 01:27:26,050
There was something
real there.
1875
01:27:27,081 --> 01:27:28,248
Yeah.
1876
01:27:31,480 --> 01:27:32,647
What do you
want from me, Jason?
1877
01:27:34,547 --> 01:27:35,915
I want you to stay.
1878
01:27:40,079 --> 01:27:42,611
I just can't stay.
1879
01:27:45,344 --> 01:27:46,645
Okay.
1880
01:27:47,709 --> 01:27:49,011
No, I get it.
1881
01:27:50,509 --> 01:27:51,708
Yeah.
1882
01:27:57,441 --> 01:27:58,675
What if I come with you?
1883
01:28:00,840 --> 01:28:02,574
Come...
1884
01:28:04,007 --> 01:28:05,108
- Really?
- I mean...
1885
01:28:07,639 --> 01:28:11,704
I just broke up with my
fiancee, lost my job.
1886
01:28:11,705 --> 01:28:13,738
And I think I'm wanted
by the police, so...
1887
01:28:14,738 --> 01:28:18,068
A year at sea
1888
01:28:18,069 --> 01:28:19,737
might actually be
the best place for me.
1889
01:28:22,502 --> 01:28:23,603
Okay.
1890
01:28:36,966 --> 01:28:38,331
Break it up, lesbians!
Let's go.
1891
01:28:38,332 --> 01:28:39,729
Get down on the ground!
1892
01:28:39,730 --> 01:28:41,597
We're doing this because
you're lesbians!
1893
01:28:41,598 --> 01:28:43,796
Get down on the ground!
1894
01:28:43,797 --> 01:28:47,328
According to
Interstate Statute 17.37,
1895
01:28:47,329 --> 01:28:49,994
arrests made on the
Interstate Highway System
1896
01:28:49,995 --> 01:28:51,627
must be executed
by state police,
1897
01:28:51,628 --> 01:28:52,995
not your local
law enforcement
1898
01:28:52,996 --> 01:28:55,527
from your adjacent
municipalities.
1899
01:28:55,528 --> 01:28:56,794
You seem, like,
really familiar
1900
01:28:56,795 --> 01:28:58,493
with the penal code.
1901
01:28:58,494 --> 01:28:59,825
You seem real cocksure
1902
01:28:59,826 --> 01:29:01,326
about the juris-dick-tion
you're in.
1903
01:29:01,327 --> 01:29:02,959
Real cocksure!
1904
01:29:02,960 --> 01:29:04,924
Someone drew dicks all
over your face, you idiot!
1905
01:29:04,925 --> 01:29:05,857
Well, look at that!
1906
01:29:05,858 --> 01:29:07,624
You got dicks on your face.
1907
01:29:07,625 --> 01:29:09,556
That middle one's mine.
Look it, this one right here.
1908
01:29:09,557 --> 01:29:10,823
I traced it.
1909
01:29:10,824 --> 01:29:12,324
I thought I recognized that!
1910
01:29:12,325 --> 01:29:14,623
Enough catching up.
Let my friends go.
1911
01:29:14,624 --> 01:29:17,523
They've literally
done nothing wrong.
1912
01:29:17,524 --> 01:29:19,621
Pam, we've got obstruction
of justice here.
1913
01:29:19,622 --> 01:29:21,687
We got reckless
endangerment.
1914
01:29:21,688 --> 01:29:23,987
The bus is full of drugs,
I get it.
1915
01:29:23,988 --> 01:29:25,587
Speaking of which,
I've got to get out of here.
1916
01:29:25,588 --> 01:29:26,787
I got three keys
of "Frisbees"
1917
01:29:26,788 --> 01:29:28,486
showing up at the
store today, so...
1918
01:29:28,487 --> 01:29:30,485
I should go,
question mark?
1919
01:29:30,486 --> 01:29:32,785
Why don't you
take my squad car.
1920
01:29:32,786 --> 01:29:34,051
That's a good idea.
Give him your keys.
1921
01:29:34,052 --> 01:29:35,051
You mean these keys?
1922
01:29:35,052 --> 01:29:36,319
There they are.
1923
01:29:38,784 --> 01:29:40,417
- Classic Pam.
- Classic Pam.
1924
01:29:40,418 --> 01:29:41,417
What do you say
we get some lunch?
1925
01:29:41,418 --> 01:29:42,984
Love it.
1926
01:29:44,616 --> 01:29:46,017
See you fucks later.
1927
01:29:47,650 --> 01:29:51,117
So, I'm gonna
go with her.
1928
01:29:53,814 --> 01:29:55,681
Yeah, you should.
1929
01:29:55,682 --> 01:29:57,016
She seems real nice.
1930
01:29:59,446 --> 01:30:03,278
You know, I think this is
our only way back now,
1931
01:30:03,279 --> 01:30:07,377
so I'm gonna try to get
these cocks off of my face
1932
01:30:07,378 --> 01:30:08,578
and get that
truck started.
1933
01:30:11,511 --> 01:30:13,044
- Just give me one sec.
- Yeah.
1934
01:30:21,608 --> 01:30:22,775
Grandpa...
1935
01:30:23,274 --> 01:30:24,740
Thank you for...
1936
01:30:24,741 --> 01:30:26,539
Don't give me
any of that shit.
1937
01:30:26,540 --> 01:30:28,273
Just let me know
when you get back.
1938
01:30:28,274 --> 01:30:29,572
And I actually want
to see your photos
1939
01:30:29,573 --> 01:30:30,640
in Time magazine.
1940
01:30:31,972 --> 01:30:33,272
This camera set me
back three months
1941
01:30:33,273 --> 01:30:34,507
of my army pension!
1942
01:30:48,470 --> 01:30:49,704
Thanks, Grandpa.
1943
01:30:50,900 --> 01:30:53,102
And, Jason...
1944
01:30:53,901 --> 01:30:55,035
Yeah?
1945
01:30:56,900 --> 01:30:58,433
Back in the '80s,
1946
01:30:58,434 --> 01:30:59,799
when Andre the Giant
1947
01:30:59,800 --> 01:31:01,167
used to go to
the Playboy Mansion,
1948
01:31:03,266 --> 01:31:05,796
he'd stack five playmates
on top of each other on a bed
1949
01:31:05,797 --> 01:31:07,763
and fingerfuck them all.
Five at a time.
1950
01:31:07,764 --> 01:31:09,232
Because his hands
were so big.
1951
01:31:11,896 --> 01:31:13,030
So...
1952
01:31:14,763 --> 01:31:15,964
That's it.
1953
01:31:20,929 --> 01:31:22,562
Thanks, Grandpa.
1954
01:31:23,528 --> 01:31:24,927
"De Oppresso Liber."
1955
01:31:26,794 --> 01:31:28,561
Motto of the Green Berets.
1956
01:31:30,459 --> 01:31:31,760
It means
"to liberate the oppressed."
1957
01:31:45,722 --> 01:31:46,722
Hey. You ready?
1958
01:31:46,723 --> 01:31:47,823
Yep.
1959
01:32:07,018 --> 01:32:08,617
Well, thanks for the ride.
1960
01:32:10,883 --> 01:32:12,051
You gonna be okay, Dad?
1961
01:32:14,617 --> 01:32:16,016
I miss her.
1962
01:32:18,349 --> 01:32:19,882
But I'll be okay.
1963
01:32:24,248 --> 01:32:25,882
I was a shitty father
and I'm sorry.
1964
01:32:28,547 --> 01:32:29,647
Well, we'll work
on it.
1965
01:32:46,843 --> 01:32:48,609
You're a hard man
to track down, Professor.
1966
01:32:52,473 --> 01:32:53,906
Are those my pants?
1967
01:32:53,907 --> 01:32:55,872
Yeah, these are
your pants.
1968
01:32:55,873 --> 01:32:57,572
I found a Werther's
Original in the pocket
1969
01:32:57,573 --> 01:32:58,874
and I've been
sucking on it all morning.
1970
01:33:00,639 --> 01:33:02,670
You do know that I'm not
a professor, right?
1971
01:33:02,671 --> 01:33:04,738
Yeah, I know.
1972
01:33:04,739 --> 01:33:06,903
You're just a dirty,
dirty grandpa,
1973
01:33:06,904 --> 01:33:09,969
and I'm just a girl
from Long Island City
1974
01:33:09,970 --> 01:33:11,170
who likes to fuck
old people.
1975
01:33:12,802 --> 01:33:14,136
I like your
pull-out couch.
1976
01:33:15,637 --> 01:33:17,367
Yeah, well,
I got news for you.
1977
01:33:17,368 --> 01:33:18,801
That's the only thing
1978
01:33:18,802 --> 01:33:20,503
that's gonna be
pulling out tonight.
1979
01:33:20,868 --> 01:33:22,001
I'll be right back.
1980
01:33:39,430 --> 01:33:40,729
Hey.
1981
01:33:41,462 --> 01:33:44,262
Look, I'm... I'm sorry.
1982
01:33:44,263 --> 01:33:45,428
I don't know
if I can do this.
1983
01:33:45,429 --> 01:33:46,863
I haven't done it
for a long time.
1984
01:34:06,458 --> 01:34:08,659
Whoops! I guess
they just slipped off.
1985
01:34:10,524 --> 01:34:11,688
I want you to tear
open my bra
1986
01:34:11,689 --> 01:34:13,123
like it's a social
security check.
1987
01:34:24,919 --> 01:34:27,352
Tell me you've fallen
and you can't get up.
1988
01:34:27,353 --> 01:34:28,954
"Help, I've fallen
and I can't get up."
1989
01:34:29,284 --> 01:34:30,586
No!
1990
01:34:32,252 --> 01:34:33,451
Now fumble around
and pretend
1991
01:34:33,452 --> 01:34:35,316
like you're trying
to find your glasses.
1992
01:34:35,317 --> 01:34:37,119
"I'm trying to find
my glasses. I can't see.
1993
01:34:38,883 --> 01:34:41,716
"I found them!
I can see! I can see!"
1994
01:34:43,615 --> 01:34:45,082
Tell me it's 4:00
and you want to eat dinner.
1995
01:34:46,215 --> 01:34:47,880
"It's 4:00
and I want to eat dinner."
1996
01:34:47,881 --> 01:34:49,580
Tell me the buttons
on your remote control
1997
01:34:49,581 --> 01:34:51,813
are so small
that you can't find Fox News.
1998
01:34:51,814 --> 01:34:53,245
"The buttons
on my remote control
1999
01:34:53,246 --> 01:34:55,679
"are so small
I can't find Fox News!"
2000
01:34:55,680 --> 01:34:56,779
Tell me how small they are!
2001
01:34:56,780 --> 01:34:57,911
"They're real small!"
2002
01:34:57,912 --> 01:34:59,777
Tell me how this neighborhood
used to be safer!
2003
01:34:59,778 --> 01:35:01,711
"This neighborhood
used to be safer!"
2004
01:35:01,712 --> 01:35:03,642
Tell me how things were
better under Eisenhower!
2005
01:35:03,643 --> 01:35:05,676
"Things were better
under Eisenhower!"
2006
01:35:05,677 --> 01:35:07,277
- We like Ike!
- We like Ike!
2007
01:35:07,278 --> 01:35:08,342
- We like Ike!
- We like Ike!
2008
01:35:08,343 --> 01:35:09,608
We like Ike!
2009
01:35:09,609 --> 01:35:10,842
We like Ike!
2010
01:35:10,843 --> 01:35:12,507
We like Ike!
2011
01:35:12,508 --> 01:35:14,241
We like Ike!
2012
01:35:14,242 --> 01:35:15,908
We like Ike!
2013
01:35:17,808 --> 01:35:19,340
Are you
cumming or dying?
2014
01:35:19,341 --> 01:35:21,608
I'm not sure!
Maybe both!
2015
01:35:33,205 --> 01:35:35,505
"...for as by a man
came death.
2016
01:35:38,636 --> 01:35:41,771
"By a man has
come also life."
2017
01:35:43,502 --> 01:35:45,702
Richard Kelly II.
2018
01:35:46,867 --> 01:35:49,767
Congratulations on the
baby's new godparents,
2019
01:35:49,768 --> 01:35:51,365
Jason and Shadia.
2020
01:35:51,366 --> 01:35:52,168
Congratulations!
2021
01:35:55,566 --> 01:35:58,530
Back to Mommy.
All baptized.
2022
01:35:58,531 --> 01:35:59,965
You just keep
surprising me, Grandpa.
2023
01:36:01,398 --> 01:36:02,765
New dad at 72.
2024
01:36:03,530 --> 01:36:04,897
Great fucking idea.
2025
01:36:04,898 --> 01:36:06,395
Hey, watch your
potty mouth!
2026
01:36:06,396 --> 01:36:08,696
- Jesus, sorry...
- Yeah, clean up your language.
2027
01:36:08,697 --> 01:36:10,628
And show some respect
for your new grandmother!
2028
01:36:10,629 --> 01:36:11,679
I'm sorry, honey.
2029
01:36:11,680 --> 01:36:12,762
That's all right.
2030
01:36:12,763 --> 01:36:14,461
And sweetie, would it kill
you to visit us sometimes?
2031
01:36:14,462 --> 01:36:15,495
We never see you.
2032
01:36:16,460 --> 01:36:18,460
Sorry, Nanna.
2033
01:36:18,461 --> 01:36:19,794
- You wanna go grab the car?
- Yeah.
2034
01:36:19,795 --> 01:36:21,525
All right, I'll pull around
the minivan.
2035
01:36:21,526 --> 01:36:23,259
Go to Daddy.
2036
01:36:23,260 --> 01:36:24,526
There we go,
come to Daddy.
2037
01:36:24,527 --> 01:36:25,960
All right.
2038
01:36:27,593 --> 01:36:29,093
It's a little bit weird.
2039
01:36:30,324 --> 01:36:31,759
She's my grandma.
2040
01:36:34,492 --> 01:36:36,023
And you're my uncle.
2041
01:36:37,956 --> 01:36:39,758
- Look at that.
- Holy shit!
2042
01:36:40,555 --> 01:36:41,788
It's a good dick.
2043
01:36:41,789 --> 01:36:42,922
My God!
Put that away.
2044
01:36:42,923 --> 01:36:44,687
- It's our dick.
- Yeah.
2045
01:36:44,688 --> 01:36:46,156
I'm just relieved
it's not his dick.
2046
01:36:48,854 --> 01:36:50,021
You want to get
the bottle for me?
2047
01:36:50,619 --> 01:36:51,820
Yeah.
2048
01:36:56,719 --> 01:36:57,988
Jamba!
145424
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