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1
00:00:07,333 --> 00:00:10,374
(SANTA PLAYS JINGLE)
2
00:00:17,750 --> 00:00:21,457
'Ho, ho, ho!
3
00:00:21,583 --> 00:00:23,207
'Hello, children!
4
00:00:23,333 --> 00:00:26,207
'This is Father Christmas speaking.
5
00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:29,415
'Welcome to my Christmas sweet factory,
6
00:00:29,541 --> 00:00:33,415
'where my little helpers make
all those lovely tasty sweets
7
00:00:33,541 --> 00:00:37,082
'that go into your Christmas stocking.
8
00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:39,665
'Watch how it's done.
9
00:00:39,791 --> 00:00:45,999
'First of all, they fill the special
sweet-making machine with sugar
10
00:00:46,125 --> 00:00:49,249
'and then they add
all the other lovely mixtures
11
00:00:49,375 --> 00:00:52,707
'that go to make up your favourite sweets.
12
00:00:52,833 --> 00:00:55,457
'Here you can see
some of my little helpers...'
13
00:00:55,583 --> 00:00:57,165
(TAPED MUSIC PLAYS)
14
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,582
♪ God rest ye merry, gentlemen
15
00:00:59,708 --> 00:01:01,999
♪ Let nothing you dismay
16
00:01:02,125 --> 00:01:07,082
♪ Remember Christ, our Saviour,
was born on Christmas Day
17
00:01:07,208 --> 00:01:12,040
♪ To save us all from Satan's power
when we were gone astray
18
00:01:12,166 --> 00:01:17,082
♪ O tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy
19
00:01:17,208 --> 00:01:21,332
♪ O tidings of comfort and joy
20
00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:30,540
♪ In Bethlehem in Jewry
this blessed babe was born
21
00:01:30,666 --> 00:01:35,624
♪ And laid within a manger
upon this blessed morn
22
00:01:35,750 --> 00:01:40,249
♪ The which His Mother Mary
nothing did take in scorn
23
00:01:40,375 --> 00:01:45,957
♪ O tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and Joy
24
00:01:46,083 --> 00:01:50,040
♪ O tidings of comfort and joy
25
00:01:54,083 --> 00:01:59,499
♪ From God our Heavenly Father
a blessed angel came
26
00:01:59,625 --> 00:02:04,415
♪ And unto certain shepherds
brought tidings of the same... ♪
27
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,582
(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS)
28
00:02:06,708 --> 00:02:09,499
- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye-bye.
29
00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:30,790
(BRASS BAND PLAYS "JINGLE BELLS")
30
00:02:38,041 --> 00:02:42,124
- You'll be the death of me, Maddy.
- Shut up and get the car.
31
00:02:45,166 --> 00:02:47,249
You're going bald. It must be nerves.
32
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:49,415
Thank you.
33
00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:52,040
Shit, these are all size large.
34
00:02:52,166 --> 00:02:54,499
You've got to stop it, Maddy.
I can't stand the strain.
35
00:02:54,625 --> 00:02:55,832
Stay home, then.
36
00:02:55,958 --> 00:02:58,207
If you've got to steal things,
then at least be practical.
37
00:02:58,333 --> 00:03:01,374
We needed onions.
We did not need more Christmas lights.
38
00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:04,374
You buy the food, I'll get the goodies.
39
00:03:07,583 --> 00:03:11,165
Please don't smoke in the car, Maddy.
40
00:03:16,583 --> 00:03:19,374
Stop it. Stop it.
41
00:03:21,458 --> 00:03:23,249
Now, Maddy, have you any idea
42
00:03:23,375 --> 00:03:26,415
what a burning cigarette
can do to velour upholstery?
43
00:03:26,541 --> 00:03:27,957
I can live with the pollution,
44
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,540
but you're becoming a fire hazard too,
and that's a problem.
45
00:03:30,666 --> 00:03:33,207
Now, look, don't get me wrong.
I'm not worried about the car.
46
00:03:33,333 --> 00:03:36,707
I can live without it.
It's your own safety that concerns me.
47
00:03:36,833 --> 00:03:40,624
- ♪ The summer's gone...
- (SHE WHISTLES TUNE)
48
00:03:40,750 --> 00:03:45,999
♪ And all the leaves are dying... ♪
49
00:03:47,875 --> 00:03:50,124
- (MUSIC PLAYS)
- Hm. Very, very nice.
50
00:03:50,250 --> 00:03:53,249
Thank you, Maddy. Mwah!
51
00:03:53,375 --> 00:03:55,874
But why the four sets of Christmas lights?
52
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,957
I want to have lots of lights on the tree.
53
00:03:58,083 --> 00:04:00,790
Uh-huh. Well, we can always use
the other two sets as spares.
54
00:04:00,916 --> 00:04:03,832
No, they'll all go on the tree.
55
00:04:03,958 --> 00:04:05,915
OK. OK.
56
00:04:06,041 --> 00:04:07,999
OK.
57
00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,582
Do you want to go out tonight?
58
00:04:13,041 --> 00:04:15,040
No.
59
00:04:16,541 --> 00:04:18,499
Do you want to eat?
60
00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:20,707
Later.
61
00:04:21,791 --> 00:04:23,790
Do you want to wrap
Auntie Betty's handbag?
62
00:04:23,916 --> 00:04:25,415
(CHUCKLES) No.
63
00:04:25,541 --> 00:04:27,582
- No?
- No.
64
00:04:27,708 --> 00:04:30,290
- No? No, no?
- No.
65
00:04:30,416 --> 00:04:33,290
No, no, no? No?
66
00:04:33,416 --> 00:04:35,540
Mm...
67
00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:37,207
(SHE LAUGHS)
68
00:04:42,375 --> 00:04:43,915
Mm-mm.
69
00:04:44,041 --> 00:04:47,624
- What time is it, Alan?
- Christmas time, I think. Mm-hm.
70
00:04:47,750 --> 00:04:49,790
Oh, God.
71
00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:53,374
Just a wee something.
72
00:04:59,875 --> 00:05:01,707
Cheers.
73
00:05:08,750 --> 00:05:12,499
Maddy, I think it's time we took some
of the price tags off these things.
74
00:05:12,625 --> 00:05:13,874
Why?
75
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,665
I think there were some tags
on the olives.
76
00:05:16,791 --> 00:05:17,832
OK.
77
00:05:17,958 --> 00:05:19,374
What are you doing?
Are you collecting them or what?
78
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:22,624
I am, yeah. You get a Ford Fiesta.
79
00:05:22,750 --> 00:05:24,665
(HE LAUGHS)
80
00:05:24,791 --> 00:05:26,665
(CLINKING)
81
00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:33,249
Are you sure you don't want to go out,
Maddy? It's only eight.
82
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,457
Er... no.
83
00:06:22,166 --> 00:06:24,582
Maddy? What are you up to?
84
00:06:30,666 --> 00:06:32,165
I'm leaving, Alan.
85
00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:37,249
I'm taking some things,
my things, and I'm leaving.
86
00:06:37,375 --> 00:06:40,374
I meant to tell you ages ago,
but the moment didn't arise.
87
00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:42,207
I have to go.
88
00:06:42,333 --> 00:06:45,415
I wanted to talk to you about it,
but it just didn't happen.
89
00:06:46,166 --> 00:06:49,999
Maddy, please. Sit down.
We can talk about it now.
90
00:06:50,125 --> 00:06:51,624
It's too late.
91
00:06:51,750 --> 00:06:55,165
George is coming over soon.
He's, er... he's hired a truck.
92
00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:57,624
I meant to tell you ages ago.
93
00:06:59,416 --> 00:07:02,332
It's your sister set this up, didn't she?
It's your crazy sister!
94
00:07:02,458 --> 00:07:04,999
No, it's me. I'm doing it.
95
00:07:05,791 --> 00:07:08,332
I asked George to help me move out.
That... that's all.
96
00:07:08,458 --> 00:07:10,957
(DOORBELL RINGS)
97
00:07:15,541 --> 00:07:18,415
(LOW VOICES)
98
00:07:22,583 --> 00:07:25,124
To be honest,
this last room may take a while.
99
00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:28,207
No, be all right.
Be finished quick, I would think.
100
00:07:28,333 --> 00:07:31,457
- Evening, Alan. All right?
- (WHISTLES TUNE)
101
00:07:31,583 --> 00:07:34,040
- All right?
- Good evening.
102
00:07:34,166 --> 00:07:35,832
Er... fellows,
if you could go through here...
103
00:07:35,958 --> 00:07:38,915
- Aye, sure.
- There's a table and some chairs.
104
00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:41,790
Well, you're quite serious
about this, then, Maddy?
105
00:07:41,916 --> 00:07:46,207
Look, I'm really sorry about this, Alan.
I'm just helping out.
106
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:50,290
There'll be no hard feelings, eh?
I mean, it's just... you know, just women.
107
00:07:50,416 --> 00:07:52,457
George, there's some more
chairs in the kitchen.
108
00:07:52,583 --> 00:07:55,874
- Right, Maddy.
- Maddy, baby, please talk to me.
109
00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:00,665
- Please stay and talk to me.
- Oh, don't let's drag it out, Alan.
110
00:08:00,791 --> 00:08:03,124
Don't be cruel.
111
00:08:04,291 --> 00:08:06,374
- Could you take that?
- Nice chair.
112
00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:08,957
Aye, lovely. Sorry.
113
00:08:11,250 --> 00:08:12,749
Maddy!
114
00:08:12,875 --> 00:08:15,999
Please stop this, Alan.
You're not making it easy.
115
00:08:17,583 --> 00:08:19,540
You don't make anything easy.
116
00:08:27,458 --> 00:08:29,790
All right, just leave the book.
I'm reading it, eh?
117
00:08:29,916 --> 00:08:33,540
- Just leave that book. I'm reading it.
- No, put it in the box. It's my book.
118
00:08:33,666 --> 00:08:36,249
I'm halfway through it.
Could you just leave the damn book?
119
00:08:36,375 --> 00:08:38,499
- You didn't buy it.
- Neither did you buy it.
120
00:08:38,625 --> 00:08:41,290
- Well, it's mine.
- Oh, right.
121
00:08:41,416 --> 00:08:44,874
Right. Well, that's my sweater, if it comes
down to it, so give me the sweater.
122
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,499
Oh, you're upset. Don't be childish.
123
00:08:47,625 --> 00:08:49,957
If I'm a child, well, you're a thief!
124
00:08:51,750 --> 00:08:54,749
I only wanted it as a keepsake.
125
00:08:54,875 --> 00:08:58,082
But if you feel that strongly about it,
you can have it.
126
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:04,874
Have the book too, with my compliments.
127
00:09:19,791 --> 00:09:21,540
I don't want to do this, you know.
128
00:09:21,666 --> 00:09:23,790
I don't know why I'm doing this.
I don't want to do it.
129
00:09:23,916 --> 00:09:27,165
Well, it's very good of you, Alan,
very good. No, no, no, down, down.
130
00:09:27,291 --> 00:09:29,832
Now easy with the handle. Right.
131
00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:37,207
So, you really, really
want to leave, then, eh?
132
00:09:37,958 --> 00:09:39,749
You really want to go?
133
00:09:39,875 --> 00:09:42,582
Now? Leave?
134
00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:44,707
Yeah.
135
00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:48,082
Huh!
136
00:09:48,208 --> 00:09:50,290
It's a bit of a shock.
137
00:09:50,416 --> 00:09:52,249
I know.
138
00:09:53,250 --> 00:09:56,332
I wanted to get the lights
on the tree for you before I left.
139
00:09:56,458 --> 00:09:59,749
Well, come upstairs and do that, then, eh?
140
00:09:59,875 --> 00:10:02,457
No, you do it.
141
00:10:02,583 --> 00:10:04,707
Don't leave it bare.
142
00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:13,582
Can I drive you anywhere?
143
00:10:15,041 --> 00:10:17,040
No, I'll go with George.
144
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,082
Be good.
145
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:31,832
- (DOOR SLAMS)
- (ENGINE STARTS)
146
00:10:57,375 --> 00:10:59,207
(SNIFFS)
147
00:11:00,958 --> 00:11:03,040
(CLOCK BEEPS)
148
00:11:04,791 --> 00:11:06,665
(GROANS)
149
00:11:32,750 --> 00:11:34,874
Oh...
150
00:11:35,916 --> 00:11:37,874
(CROW CAWS)
151
00:11:53,166 --> 00:11:55,290
(CLANKING)
152
00:11:57,458 --> 00:12:01,165
♪ It's six o'clock in the morning! ♪
153
00:12:01,291 --> 00:12:04,040
- Morning, Moira.
- Good morning, Dicky.
154
00:12:04,166 --> 00:12:10,582
♪ On 261 we're bringing you
the national news on the hour! ♪
155
00:12:12,708 --> 00:12:16,915
'This is the six o'clock news headlines
with Peter Porter reporting.
156
00:12:17,041 --> 00:12:19,165
'More fighting has broken out
in Berunda, West Africa.
157
00:12:19,291 --> 00:12:23,332
'Rival guerrilla groups are claiming victory
over President Mandi's Republican troops
158
00:12:23,458 --> 00:12:26,624
'and Radio Berunda last night
announced a total curfew in the capital.'
159
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:28,999
In Washington, the Pentagon has confirmed
160
00:12:29,125 --> 00:12:32,207
that the US fleet at present
exercising off the coast of Berunda
161
00:12:32,333 --> 00:12:34,624
would continue its watching patrol.
162
00:12:34,750 --> 00:12:37,207
In the Middle East, the hoped-for
settlement of fighting in Avonia
163
00:12:37,333 --> 00:12:38,707
has hit new obstacles.
164
00:12:38,833 --> 00:12:42,040
Delegates from both sides abandoned the
Christmas peace conference yesterday
165
00:12:42,166 --> 00:12:45,374
and later fresh rocket attacks
took place at the capital's airport.
166
00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:49,415
27 people died before UN troops
managed to stop the shelling.
167
00:12:49,541 --> 00:12:52,582
And in the Far East,
40 civilian refugees died
168
00:12:52,708 --> 00:12:55,457
in heavy bombing attacks
on the island of Samato
169
00:12:55,583 --> 00:12:58,082
when the Christmas truce there
broke down yesterday.
170
00:12:58,208 --> 00:13:00,915
Opponents of the dictatorship
government of President Barmai
171
00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:04,332
claimed that the armed forces were
deliberately attacking civilian targets
172
00:13:04,458 --> 00:13:06,415
as an act of provocation.
173
00:13:06,541 --> 00:13:08,082
More foreign news.
174
00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:10,832
Mamie, the giant panda,
recently arrived at the Moscow Zoo,
175
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,124
as a gift from
the People's Republic of China,
176
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:14,915
might just be pregnant.
177
00:13:15,041 --> 00:13:16,499
Officials at the Moscow Zoo
178
00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:19,040
said that tests today
should confirm the pregnancy.
179
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,290
All this week, Mamie has been off her food
180
00:13:21,416 --> 00:13:23,332
and suffering from morning sickness.
181
00:13:23,458 --> 00:13:26,790
Mamie needs peace and quiet now,
said the zoo official.
182
00:13:26,916 --> 00:13:29,749
And lastly, the weather
for west central Scotland and the city.
183
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:31,374
This morning will be milder
than overnight,
184
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:33,040
still no sign of a white Christmas,
185
00:13:33,166 --> 00:13:35,915
and some light rain might reach
the area by early evening.
186
00:13:36,041 --> 00:13:37,290
The next news at seven,
187
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,832
and now stand by
for your daily dose of Dicky Bird.
188
00:13:39,958 --> 00:13:44,749
♪ National news on the hour! ♪
189
00:13:47,375 --> 00:13:49,290
Thanks for all that wonderful
six o'clock news, Peter.
190
00:13:49,416 --> 00:13:51,207
You know, I keep telling him
that it would be cheaper
191
00:13:51,333 --> 00:13:54,290
to telephone the early news
to those half a dozen poor souls
192
00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:57,540
that have been listening
to yawn-a-minute Kelly all night,
193
00:13:57,666 --> 00:14:00,415
- but he won't listen to me.
- ♪ Time to get up!
194
00:14:00,541 --> 00:14:04,082
♪ Hello, Dicky! Good morning! ♪
195
00:14:04,208 --> 00:14:05,499
Hello!
196
00:14:05,625 --> 00:14:08,290
- ♪ Hello!
- ♪ Good morning! Tweet-tweet! ♪
197
00:14:08,416 --> 00:14:09,790
Anyway, the fun starts now
198
00:14:09,916 --> 00:14:12,165
because Dicky Bird is here
to get you up, get you to work
199
00:14:12,291 --> 00:14:13,999
or wherever it is you have to be by nine.
200
00:14:14,125 --> 00:14:17,290
♪ Don't you know what they say
about the early worm?
201
00:14:17,416 --> 00:14:20,457
- ♪ The early worm! ♪
- What do they say?
202
00:14:20,583 --> 00:14:23,082
♪ It always gets the bird ♪
203
00:14:23,208 --> 00:14:25,957
Yes, "The Dicky Bird Early Worm Show".
204
00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:27,665
(WHISTLES TUNE)
205
00:14:27,791 --> 00:14:30,332
(MUSIC PLAYS)
206
00:14:32,625 --> 00:14:33,999
Hello there!
207
00:14:34,125 --> 00:14:35,957
Oh. Hi, Steve.
208
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:39,374
- You OK, kid?
- Aye, I'm fine, I'm fine.
209
00:14:40,166 --> 00:14:42,290
Keep your pecker up, eh?
210
00:14:45,791 --> 00:14:48,957
He's done it again, folks.
Kelly's fallen asleep at the microphone.
211
00:14:49,083 --> 00:14:51,582
I got here only just in time.
212
00:14:51,708 --> 00:14:53,624
Anyway, here's a quick traffic roundup.
213
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:56,832
There's absolutely nothing in the streets
right now, not a car in sight,
214
00:14:56,958 --> 00:14:58,499
so why don't you take advantage of that?
215
00:14:58,625 --> 00:15:00,624
Get in your car
and get into work straightaway.
216
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,290
You'll be in three hours early,
217
00:15:02,416 --> 00:15:06,124
and there'll be another traffic roundup
at the same time tomorrow.
218
00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:08,957
And Nancy in the front office
has just come in to tell me that
219
00:15:09,083 --> 00:15:12,165
the lookalikes competition has captured
her imagination again this week.
220
00:15:12,291 --> 00:15:13,790
A man from Paisley has just phoned in
221
00:15:13,916 --> 00:15:16,790
to say that his wife is the absolute
double of Richard Nixon.
222
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,624
Ha-ha-ha! We'll believe anything
that happens in Paisley,
223
00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:22,624
but the rules are either a photograph
sent up here to the station
224
00:15:22,750 --> 00:15:27,082
or why don't you just pop up
and let Nancy check you out in person?
225
00:15:27,208 --> 00:15:31,457
And I can tell you that's a journey
very, very well worth making, eh?
226
00:15:31,583 --> 00:15:34,665
♪ Lookalike, lookalike, someday famous ♪
227
00:15:34,791 --> 00:15:37,082
I've just seen the very lovely Anne
coming in there
228
00:15:37,208 --> 00:15:40,249
to give us the 8.30 travel roundup.
229
00:15:40,375 --> 00:15:42,124
I wonder who Anne
thinks she looks like, eh?
230
00:15:42,250 --> 00:15:44,874
I think there's a little touch
of the Ingrid Bergman in there, eh?
231
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,624
How are you, Annie? Are you all right?
232
00:15:46,750 --> 00:15:48,207
'Thank you, yes, Dicky, I'm fine.'
233
00:15:48,333 --> 00:15:51,415
OK, now, where should we avoid
traffic-wise today?
234
00:15:51,541 --> 00:15:53,290
'Er... how about everywhere?'
235
00:15:53,416 --> 00:15:56,290
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!
I'll leave you to it, then.
236
00:15:56,416 --> 00:15:58,040
'Thank you. Well, Dicky,
237
00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:01,207
'Christmas traffic is expected to be
the main problem again today,
238
00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:04,832
'with all city-centre car parks likely
to be filling up by mid-morning
239
00:16:04,958 --> 00:16:08,832
'and a lot more vehicles prowling the
streets, looking for parking space, so...'
240
00:16:08,958 --> 00:16:10,582
Would you get me a line, Nancy, please?
241
00:16:10,708 --> 00:16:13,290
'If you can use public transport,
it will make sense for everybody.
242
00:16:13,416 --> 00:16:16,040
'At the moment, however, traffic is
moving well on the Kingston Bridge
243
00:16:16,166 --> 00:16:18,290
'despite the closure
of Bothwell Street exit
244
00:16:18,416 --> 00:16:22,040
'and the tunnel northbound and
southbound is easing off now too.'
245
00:16:22,166 --> 00:16:24,457
Hello, Colin? Yeah, Alan here, yeah.
246
00:16:24,583 --> 00:16:29,040
I'm in deep trouble, friend.
Can you come over?
247
00:16:29,166 --> 00:16:33,165
I'll see you at the house at about 11, OK?
And God bless.
248
00:16:33,291 --> 00:16:36,165
ANNE: '...for some snow on the A9
and M9 north of Perth.
249
00:16:36,291 --> 00:16:38,499
'Nothing else at the moment
so back to you, Dicky.'
250
00:16:38,625 --> 00:16:40,499
- ♪ Radio
- ♪ 261
251
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:43,790
♪ You're on 261 ♪
252
00:16:44,958 --> 00:16:46,707
Oh, boy.
253
00:16:46,833 --> 00:16:49,707
(TUTS) She really meant business, eh?
254
00:16:49,833 --> 00:16:53,040
- Don't say that.
- Well, what do you want me to say?
255
00:16:53,166 --> 00:16:55,540
That she'll be back in a day or two,
with her tail between her legs
256
00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:57,374
and the piano and the dining table?
257
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,624
She left the washing machine.
That could be a good sign, eh?
258
00:16:59,750 --> 00:17:04,749
I don't see Maddy coming back
for a washing machine. Fur coat, maybe.
259
00:17:04,875 --> 00:17:08,165
She, er... didn't leave
her fur coat, did she?
260
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:14,874
- Was everything hers?
- Mm-hm.
261
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,624
Except for the mortgage. That was mine.
262
00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:21,790
Well, you know Maddy. She was
always acquiring things, you know.
263
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,290
She liked acquiring things.
264
00:17:25,375 --> 00:17:27,332
What am I going to do?
265
00:17:28,208 --> 00:17:29,790
Do you realise how lucky you are?
266
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,457
(LAUGHS)
267
00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:34,374
Don't you see
what an opportunity you have?
268
00:17:35,416 --> 00:17:38,374
How many people our age
would give an arm and a leg
269
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:42,082
to be able to just break out
and start all over again?
270
00:17:42,208 --> 00:17:45,665
It's a new life. That's what
you've been handed on a plate.
271
00:17:45,791 --> 00:17:47,957
And look around you.
272
00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:52,415
Everything here is you.
273
00:17:54,041 --> 00:17:56,499
This little table is you.
274
00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:07,749
The book there. I mean, it's you.
There's nothing but you here now.
275
00:18:07,875 --> 00:18:09,749
What a chance!
276
00:18:26,833 --> 00:18:30,790
Look, you've been submerged
in another person's personality,
277
00:18:30,916 --> 00:18:33,540
become a sub-person, and now you're free.
278
00:18:33,666 --> 00:18:37,832
Well, thanks a lot.
Why didn't you tell me all this before?
279
00:18:40,708 --> 00:18:46,290
Because Maddy was
just utterly fantastic and special...
280
00:18:47,333 --> 00:18:51,499
and you deserved as much of her
as you were going to get.
281
00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:53,499
But now you've had it.
282
00:18:53,625 --> 00:18:55,957
It's your turn now.
283
00:18:58,333 --> 00:19:01,832
Anyway, there was always
something unreal about you two.
284
00:19:01,958 --> 00:19:05,415
You were like kids, playing and fighting.
285
00:19:05,541 --> 00:19:07,415
It was a bit of a caper, wasn't it?
286
00:19:07,541 --> 00:19:11,040
No, no, don't say that.
No, I worshipped her.
287
00:19:12,541 --> 00:19:14,832
That's not the nicest thing
you can do to somebody, is it?
288
00:19:14,958 --> 00:19:19,624
- I hope you don't worship me.
- No. No, you're my friend.
289
00:19:19,750 --> 00:19:22,124
(TELEPHONE BLEEPER SOUNDS)
290
00:19:30,291 --> 00:19:33,915
- Did Maddy take the telephone?
- No, no, it's...
291
00:19:34,041 --> 00:19:36,082
it's in there.
292
00:19:38,083 --> 00:19:40,165
(DIALS NUMBER)
293
00:19:44,958 --> 00:19:46,957
286, please.
294
00:19:47,875 --> 00:19:49,832
It works. You're still in business.
295
00:19:49,958 --> 00:19:52,582
(ALAN CHUCKLES)
296
00:19:52,708 --> 00:19:54,874
Rhona? It's Colin.
297
00:19:56,083 --> 00:19:57,665
Uh-huh.
298
00:19:57,791 --> 00:20:00,749
Er... where does it come from?
299
00:20:00,875 --> 00:20:03,540
Ah. What age?
300
00:20:03,666 --> 00:20:06,249
What was it? An accident?
301
00:20:06,375 --> 00:20:08,374
Erm... good.
302
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:11,499
Er... well, you fix up
the theatre for, er... two.
303
00:20:11,625 --> 00:20:13,749
Uh-huh.
304
00:20:13,875 --> 00:20:18,540
Get the pre-med finished
and I'll see you in, er... ten minutes, OK?
305
00:20:21,291 --> 00:20:25,540
Um... I've got to go and introduce
somebody to a second-hand kidney.
306
00:20:25,666 --> 00:20:26,749
(CHUCKLES)
307
00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:28,665
What will you do?
308
00:20:28,791 --> 00:20:34,082
I'll do some shopping, get some things
for the house, pots and pans and things.
309
00:20:34,208 --> 00:20:35,624
Good lad.
310
00:20:35,750 --> 00:20:38,915
Erm... want to eat with us tonight?
311
00:20:39,041 --> 00:20:42,415
Er... yeah, maybe. I'll let you know.
312
00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:44,540
OK.
313
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,332
Colin?
314
00:20:49,583 --> 00:20:52,165
- Do you think she loved me?
- Sure she did.
315
00:20:52,291 --> 00:20:55,124
She told me one night when she was drunk.
316
00:20:55,250 --> 00:20:57,915
- She never told me.
- Well, she wouldn't.
317
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:00,832
Where was I at the time?
318
00:21:00,958 --> 00:21:03,415
You were through in the kitchen
telling Fiona you loved her.
319
00:21:04,208 --> 00:21:05,707
You were drunk too.
320
00:21:11,708 --> 00:21:14,290
("SILENT NIGHT" KEYBOARD INSTRUMENTAL)
321
00:21:47,875 --> 00:21:50,124
(TILL BEEPS AND WHIRS)
322
00:21:51,458 --> 00:21:53,915
You know you can have
all three products the same colour?
323
00:21:54,041 --> 00:21:57,040
- Aye, I know it. It doesn't matter.
- Sure? OK.
324
00:21:57,166 --> 00:21:59,207
I kind of like to mix and match.
325
00:21:59,333 --> 00:22:01,290
I just thought it might look nicer.
326
00:22:07,250 --> 00:22:09,999
(BRASS BAND PLAYS)
327
00:22:19,125 --> 00:22:21,207
(YOUNG WOMAN CHUCKLES)
328
00:23:04,083 --> 00:23:06,957
'No less than eight Christmas truces
are in jeopardy around the world today,
329
00:23:07,083 --> 00:23:08,915
'and intense diplomatic activity continues
330
00:23:09,041 --> 00:23:11,249
'in an effort to reduce global tension.
331
00:23:11,375 --> 00:23:14,290
'In the Middle East, the American
Special Envoy had breakfast meetings
332
00:23:14,416 --> 00:23:16,582
'with rival Palazi leaders in Avonia,
333
00:23:16,708 --> 00:23:19,499
'whilst heavy fighting continued
on the outskirts of the city.
334
00:23:19,625 --> 00:23:22,749
'He said later, "We will have
peace here at any price."
335
00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:26,665
'Mamie the giant panda is said to be
comfortable and well at Moscow Zoo,
336
00:23:26,791 --> 00:23:28,915
'shortly after her pregnancy
was confirmed.'
337
00:23:29,041 --> 00:23:34,582
♪ Frosty the snowman
was alive as he could be
338
00:23:34,708 --> 00:23:37,874
♪ And the children say
he could laugh and play... ♪
339
00:23:42,041 --> 00:23:44,832
'...population in the capital in acts
of looting and other violence.'
340
00:23:46,208 --> 00:23:48,457
♪ Ba-do-ba-do-ba
341
00:23:48,583 --> 00:23:51,624
- ♪ Ba-ba-doba-do-ba
- ♪ Sit tight
342
00:23:51,750 --> 00:23:57,374
♪ We'll bring you the traffic situation
right now in your car
343
00:23:57,500 --> 00:24:00,082
♪ Right now in your car ♪
344
00:25:19,041 --> 00:25:21,499
(ICE-CREAM JINGLE PLAYS)
345
00:25:25,125 --> 00:25:26,540
MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!
346
00:25:32,625 --> 00:25:33,874
'Hello, folks!
347
00:25:40,250 --> 00:25:43,499
'Hello, folks!'
348
00:26:04,166 --> 00:26:06,665
(WOMAN AND MAN CHUCKLE)
349
00:26:08,666 --> 00:26:11,082
- Yes, please, sir?
- A 99, please.
350
00:26:11,208 --> 00:26:12,707
- With or without?
- Hm?
351
00:26:12,833 --> 00:26:15,082
- DRIVER: Raspberry.
- Oh, with, please.
352
00:26:15,208 --> 00:26:17,290
DRIVER: Right.
353
00:26:19,041 --> 00:26:21,457
There you are.
354
00:26:25,291 --> 00:26:27,457
And a, er... a Highland Toffee, please.
355
00:26:32,083 --> 00:26:34,374
- Thank you.
- There you are. Thank you.
356
00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:37,290
- Thank you.
- (DRIVER CHUCKLES)
357
00:26:58,166 --> 00:27:00,082
Ah, you...
358
00:27:06,208 --> 00:27:08,165
Come on!
359
00:27:08,291 --> 00:27:10,332
Just beat it!
360
00:27:11,583 --> 00:27:14,707
- Get to hell, the pair of you!
- Oh! Oh!
361
00:27:18,208 --> 00:27:20,915
Hey! It's you, isn't it?
362
00:27:21,041 --> 00:27:23,957
It's Dicky Bird! Dicky Bird's here!
363
00:27:24,083 --> 00:27:26,624
- For God's sake, get in the car!
- Give us an autograph, Dicky.
364
00:27:26,750 --> 00:27:29,457
- I'm sorry, I don't have a pen on me.
- Come on! Let's get out of here!
365
00:27:29,583 --> 00:27:31,540
Give us a dedication at least, eh?
For my mother.
366
00:27:31,666 --> 00:27:32,749
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.
367
00:27:32,875 --> 00:27:34,332
- Tomorrow morning.
- Right.
368
00:27:34,458 --> 00:27:36,207
Have you any Mantovani or Dean Martin?
369
00:27:36,333 --> 00:27:39,082
Oh, bound to, bound to, yeah.
What, "Memories Are Made Of This"?
370
00:27:39,208 --> 00:27:41,249
Aye, lovely.
371
00:27:58,416 --> 00:27:59,832
Yes, sir, can I help you?
372
00:27:59,958 --> 00:28:01,749
- A refill for your 99?
- Are you OK?
373
00:28:01,875 --> 00:28:04,582
What? Yes, everything's under control.
Don't worry about a thing, sir.
374
00:28:04,708 --> 00:28:06,582
- Was there something you wanted?
- Are you hurt? Is that blood?
375
00:28:06,708 --> 00:28:08,582
Eh? Oh, no, no, no.
It's just raspberry essence.
376
00:28:08,708 --> 00:28:11,665
Don't worry about a thing.
Just some high-spirited youths, that's all.
377
00:28:11,791 --> 00:28:15,665
Now, if there's nothing else you want,
I think we'd better be on our way.
378
00:28:21,708 --> 00:28:24,540
(ICE-CREAM JINGLE PLAYS)
379
00:28:24,666 --> 00:28:27,707
MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!
Hello, folks! Hello, folks!
380
00:28:27,833 --> 00:28:29,915
'Hello, folks! Hello, folks!
381
00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:33,540
- 'Hello, folks!'
- (JINGLE SLOWS)
382
00:28:33,666 --> 00:28:34,832
'Hello, folks!'
383
00:28:41,833 --> 00:28:43,665
Oh...!
384
00:29:14,208 --> 00:29:16,082
(TUTS)
385
00:29:16,208 --> 00:29:18,165
(SIGHS)
386
00:29:23,458 --> 00:29:25,499
(DOORBELL RINGS)
387
00:29:35,166 --> 00:29:37,165
Maddy!
388
00:29:37,291 --> 00:29:39,290
Oh, baby. Oh.
389
00:29:41,708 --> 00:29:44,249
- Have you still got a bed?
- Mm-hm.
390
00:29:44,375 --> 00:29:46,832
Oh, I've missed you, Maddy.
391
00:29:49,083 --> 00:29:51,040
Oh...
392
00:29:53,916 --> 00:29:55,915
Where did you get these pyjamas?
393
00:29:56,875 --> 00:29:59,582
I was cold. I don't need them.
394
00:30:01,208 --> 00:30:03,707
Can I stay the night?
395
00:30:03,833 --> 00:30:06,290
You can stay forever. You know that.
396
00:30:06,416 --> 00:30:08,124
OK.
397
00:30:08,250 --> 00:30:10,332
I'll stay forever.
398
00:30:16,041 --> 00:30:17,957
Mm.
399
00:30:23,708 --> 00:30:24,790
Oh.
400
00:30:32,650 --> 00:30:34,857
(SIGHS)
401
00:30:52,208 --> 00:30:54,540
Oh, shit.
402
00:31:04,750 --> 00:31:06,624
Shit!
403
00:31:11,458 --> 00:31:13,374
Oh...
404
00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:18,624
(SNORTS)
405
00:31:18,750 --> 00:31:20,915
(JINGLE) ♪ National news!
406
00:31:21,041 --> 00:31:27,124
♪ National news on the hour ♪
407
00:31:27,250 --> 00:31:30,374
'Another border clash took place
in the night in the Bulati mountains
408
00:31:30,500 --> 00:31:32,707
'between troops of Bulati and Nigora.
409
00:31:32,833 --> 00:31:34,374
'A Bulati Army statement claimed...'
410
00:31:34,500 --> 00:31:37,540
- ALAN: Keith?
- Yeah?
411
00:31:37,666 --> 00:31:39,665
ALAN: Fix me up a booth
for ten o'clock, will you?
412
00:31:39,791 --> 00:31:42,665
I'd like to do some commercials
and some trailers for the weekend.
413
00:31:42,791 --> 00:31:45,915
- You could edit them, OK?
- Sure thing, Alan.
414
00:31:46,041 --> 00:31:48,332
- ALAN: Oh, Keith?
- Yeah?
415
00:31:48,458 --> 00:31:51,915
What would clean ice-cream stains
off velour upholstery?
416
00:31:52,041 --> 00:31:55,874
Er... now, that sounds like
a hot-water-and-detergent job.
417
00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,707
But you'd need to wet the whole seat
so it wouldn't leave a mark.
418
00:31:58,833 --> 00:32:01,499
- It'll be a bit tricky.
- OK, thanks.
419
00:32:01,625 --> 00:32:04,374
♪ Thrifty Pops,
the big, big bag of munchies
420
00:32:04,500 --> 00:32:07,374
♪ That last the whole day ♪
421
00:32:07,500 --> 00:32:08,957
Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops.
422
00:32:09,083 --> 00:32:11,624
You just munch them all day.
They never stop.
423
00:32:11,750 --> 00:32:18,874
♪ Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops,
I want them now ♪
424
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:25,499
Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag
of munchies that last all day!
425
00:32:25,625 --> 00:32:27,790
Well, it was a bit dry, maybe.
426
00:32:27,916 --> 00:32:30,624
- (TAPE REWINDS)
- All right, spin it again.
427
00:32:30,750 --> 00:32:33,207
♪ Thrifty Pops,
the big, big bag of munchies
428
00:32:33,333 --> 00:32:35,499
♪ That last the whole day ♪
429
00:32:36,083 --> 00:32:37,540
Thrifty Pops! Thrifty Pops!
430
00:32:37,666 --> 00:32:39,457
You just eat them all day.
They never stop.
431
00:32:39,583 --> 00:32:41,707
- Thrifty Pops...
- No, no, no. You said "eat", Alan.
432
00:32:41,833 --> 00:32:43,249
- It should be "munch".
- Oh, shit.
433
00:32:43,375 --> 00:32:48,582
♪ The big, big bag of munchies
that last the whole day ♪
434
00:32:48,708 --> 00:32:50,082
Thrifty Pops! Thrifty Pops!
435
00:32:50,208 --> 00:32:52,249
You just munch them all day.
They never stop. Cut!
436
00:32:52,916 --> 00:32:55,707
There's something wrong.
The rhythm's wrong. It's that "you".
437
00:32:55,833 --> 00:32:58,499
We don't need this "you".
Who wrote this stuff?
438
00:32:58,625 --> 00:33:01,332
♪ Thrifty Pops,
the big, big bag of munchies
439
00:33:01,458 --> 00:33:04,082
♪ That last the whole day ♪
440
00:33:04,750 --> 00:33:08,499
Thrifty Pops! Thrifty Pops!
Munch them all day. They never stop.
441
00:33:08,625 --> 00:33:10,999
- ♪ Thrifty Pops! Thrifty Pops...
- (TAPE REWINDS)
442
00:33:11,125 --> 00:33:12,249
Well...
443
00:33:14,250 --> 00:33:18,415
I'm not so sure. I think the "you"
had something. It... it broke the beat.
444
00:33:18,541 --> 00:33:20,832
The way it came in on the sub-beat
was quite special.
445
00:33:20,958 --> 00:33:22,832
Give us it again.
446
00:33:22,958 --> 00:33:27,374
♪ The big, big bag of munchies
that last the whole day ♪
447
00:33:27,500 --> 00:33:30,499
(MUSIC PLAYS)
448
00:33:30,625 --> 00:33:32,832
Nancy, is Hilary in?
I'd like a word with him.
449
00:33:32,958 --> 00:33:35,707
- I'll find out if he's free.
- ♪ Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops... ♪
450
00:33:35,833 --> 00:33:38,207
- Oh, shut it.
- Hello, Gloria?
451
00:33:38,333 --> 00:33:41,582
Alan Bird would like to see Hilary,
if he's free.
452
00:33:41,708 --> 00:33:43,665
- Two minutes' time?
- Lovely.
453
00:33:43,791 --> 00:33:45,165
- Thanks, Gloria.
- Yeah.
454
00:33:45,291 --> 00:33:47,499
How's the lookalikes competition
coming along?
455
00:33:47,625 --> 00:33:51,707
Fine. Everyone still wants to look
like Princess You-Know-Who, though.
456
00:33:51,833 --> 00:33:53,707
You know, I'm gonna get
my dentist to write in.
457
00:33:53,833 --> 00:33:57,582
He's the absolute spitting image
of George C. Scott.
458
00:33:57,708 --> 00:34:00,457
(TYPEWRITER CLICKS)
459
00:34:04,125 --> 00:34:07,207
I hear the seven deadly sins and
the terrible twins came to call on you.
460
00:34:07,333 --> 00:34:09,290
Dire Straits.
461
00:34:10,458 --> 00:34:13,082
The bigger they are, babe,
the harder they fall on you.
462
00:34:13,208 --> 00:34:15,957
(MUSIC PLAYS)
463
00:34:16,083 --> 00:34:20,957
- ♪ Turn your radio on
- ♪ Turn your radio on ♪
464
00:34:21,083 --> 00:34:23,457
- Hello?
- (MAN AND WOMAN LAUGH)
465
00:34:23,583 --> 00:34:26,832
HILARY: Now, stop your nonsense, Gloria.
GLORIA: Now, that's not fair!
466
00:34:26,958 --> 00:34:29,499
HILARY: It's absolutely fair.
I'm allowed to do that.
467
00:34:29,625 --> 00:34:32,290
GLORIA: Right, right, I want a turn next.
Oh, look, you...
468
00:34:32,416 --> 00:34:34,415
HILARY: Listen,
don't put your finger there.
469
00:34:34,541 --> 00:34:36,665
I can't get in
if you put your finger there.
470
00:34:36,791 --> 00:34:38,874
Oh, you'll have to be quicker than that.
471
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:40,915
I was always doing it very quick.
472
00:34:41,041 --> 00:34:43,124
You did that when I wasn't looking!
473
00:34:43,250 --> 00:34:46,124
- Oh, look what you've done now!
- Oh, no!
474
00:34:46,250 --> 00:34:48,415
Oh, get... get out of there!
475
00:34:48,541 --> 00:34:50,999
- I think that'll be all, er... Gloria...
- What?
476
00:34:51,125 --> 00:34:53,582
...er... for the moment.
477
00:34:53,708 --> 00:34:56,999
- Ah, come in, Alan. Come away in.
- Hello, Hilary.
478
00:34:58,166 --> 00:35:03,040
That, er... phone-in joke spot,
Monday, was ace, tiptop.
479
00:35:03,166 --> 00:35:05,957
- I hope you're going to keep it in.
- Thanks.
480
00:35:06,083 --> 00:35:07,749
Well, now, what can I do for you?
481
00:35:07,875 --> 00:35:10,665
I'd just like to talk.
482
00:35:10,791 --> 00:35:15,249
I think... I think things are changing.
I think I'm changing.
483
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:19,832
Maybe. I don't think this is a good time
to talk about money, Alan.
484
00:35:19,958 --> 00:35:22,665
I mean, the Christmas bonus is
in the pipeline. Now, you know that.
485
00:35:22,791 --> 00:35:24,832
Oh, it's not money, Hilary.
No, I don't mean money.
486
00:35:24,958 --> 00:35:27,790
No, I mean formats. Programmes.
487
00:35:27,916 --> 00:35:30,207
You know, all the things
that maybe I could handle.
488
00:35:30,333 --> 00:35:31,874
What do you mean?
489
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,874
I'm not a kid.
490
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,790
I'm a serious person,
I've got serious friends,
491
00:35:36,916 --> 00:35:42,040
and maybe I should be more serious,
sometimes, on the air.
492
00:35:42,166 --> 00:35:46,207
- I don't... catch your drift.
- I'm not just a clown.
493
00:35:46,333 --> 00:35:50,999
Maybe I could do other kinds of shows,
like a... like a documentary.
494
00:35:51,125 --> 00:35:53,707
- A documentary?
- It's a real kind of a show.
495
00:35:53,833 --> 00:35:57,790
It's got real things, people.
Out on the streets, real things.
496
00:35:57,916 --> 00:36:02,290
You know, I could follow something up
and make a show in depth.
497
00:36:02,416 --> 00:36:06,124
Aye, Rufus told me about Madeline leaving.
498
00:36:06,250 --> 00:36:08,624
Who the hell told Rufus?
499
00:36:08,750 --> 00:36:12,290
Anyway, it's got nothing to do
with Maddy. This is work.
500
00:36:13,458 --> 00:36:18,040
I think I'm on to something.
I want to chase it up. Make a programme.
501
00:36:18,166 --> 00:36:23,249
You know, there are things going on in
this town that would make your hair curl.
502
00:36:25,541 --> 00:36:29,332
Have I ever told you about my Navy days?
503
00:36:29,458 --> 00:36:33,707
We used to do ship-to-ship transfers.
You know, breeches buoy.
504
00:36:33,833 --> 00:36:38,499
Just a little bucket seat
way out there in the ocean.
505
00:36:39,333 --> 00:36:44,790
There was a point, you see, when you'd be
halfway between one ship and the other
506
00:36:44,916 --> 00:36:48,249
and the swell sometimes
which put both ships out of sight,
507
00:36:48,375 --> 00:36:51,665
oh, for... 15, 20 seconds...
508
00:36:53,166 --> 00:36:57,665
and there you'd be,
hanging beneath a bit of rope...
509
00:36:58,708 --> 00:37:02,165
and nothing all around you
but angry water.
510
00:37:05,833 --> 00:37:07,957
Do you get my point?
511
00:37:10,375 --> 00:37:12,207
No.
512
00:37:13,500 --> 00:37:19,499
But surely, I mean, I...
if you're sat there, where you...
513
00:37:19,625 --> 00:37:22,665
- Are you sure you don't get the point?
- Not exactly.
514
00:37:22,791 --> 00:37:26,624
Well, it's... it's depression,
Alan, depression.
515
00:37:26,750 --> 00:37:29,374
You're stuck between where you've been
and where you're going,
516
00:37:29,500 --> 00:37:32,082
and you've lost sight of both.
517
00:37:33,916 --> 00:37:36,624
The secret, Alan, is faith.
518
00:37:38,416 --> 00:37:42,374
Next time you look up,
the way ahead will be clear.
519
00:37:43,708 --> 00:37:46,540
Think about it.
520
00:37:46,666 --> 00:37:49,540
Can I make a documentary anyway?
521
00:37:49,666 --> 00:37:53,999
Alan, the resources of the station
are yours to make use of, you know that,
522
00:37:54,125 --> 00:37:58,124
but I don't see any need to tamper with
"The Dicky Bird Early Worm Show",
523
00:37:58,250 --> 00:37:59,499
do you?
524
00:37:59,625 --> 00:38:00,999
Fair enough.
525
00:38:01,125 --> 00:38:03,290
I can pick up a tape recorder
at the newsroom?
526
00:38:03,416 --> 00:38:05,957
Of course you can.
527
00:38:06,083 --> 00:38:08,124
Knock on the door any time, Alan.
528
00:38:08,250 --> 00:38:10,207
Oh, and Alan,
529
00:38:10,333 --> 00:38:14,582
don't fret about
these angry seas below you.
530
00:38:14,708 --> 00:38:17,707
I'll be seeing you, Hilary.
531
00:38:25,625 --> 00:38:28,499
Hi, Gloria. Listen, get onto
the legal department, would you?
532
00:38:28,625 --> 00:38:31,457
I want the lowdown
on Alan Bird's contract.
533
00:38:31,583 --> 00:38:35,165
Aye, find out if it's yearly
or six-monthly.
534
00:38:35,291 --> 00:38:39,499
Oh, and, Gloria, find out
if there's a sanity clause.
535
00:38:41,500 --> 00:38:43,915
No, a sanity clause.
536
00:38:45,041 --> 00:38:46,915
- (PHONE BANGS)
- Santa Claus!
537
00:38:47,041 --> 00:38:49,165
(ALAN GRUNTS)
538
00:38:57,208 --> 00:39:01,124
(CLEARS THROAT) Dicky Bird documentary,
"Bird's-eye View", take one.
539
00:39:02,875 --> 00:39:07,249
Alan Bird documentary,
"Bird's-eye View", take one.
540
00:39:10,250 --> 00:39:13,124
Here I am in the heart of the city...
541
00:39:14,291 --> 00:39:17,582
talking about this place that...
542
00:39:27,125 --> 00:39:29,624
We all think that we know our own place...
543
00:39:30,875 --> 00:39:33,415
our own town, but do we?
544
00:39:34,875 --> 00:39:37,040
How much do we know...
545
00:39:38,916 --> 00:39:40,749
or care?
546
00:39:41,875 --> 00:39:44,415
Things happen around us...
547
00:39:56,250 --> 00:40:00,165
The other night, I saw two men demolish
an ice-cream van with iron bars.
548
00:40:00,291 --> 00:40:02,165
Can you believe it?
549
00:40:02,291 --> 00:40:05,124
Right here in this city.
550
00:40:08,708 --> 00:40:10,749
There are things...
551
00:40:11,875 --> 00:40:14,832
going on in this city
that would make you...
552
00:40:18,125 --> 00:40:20,790
Maddy, please come home.
553
00:40:23,125 --> 00:40:25,082
I want to see you today.
554
00:40:26,166 --> 00:40:28,290
I want to see what you're wearing.
555
00:40:29,583 --> 00:40:31,790
I want you to tell me a joke.
556
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:36,374
I want to make you something nice to eat.
557
00:40:39,708 --> 00:40:43,832
Ice cream is not something that many
of us give a great deal of thought to.
558
00:40:43,958 --> 00:40:46,457
But, um...
559
00:40:46,583 --> 00:40:49,874
especially at this time of year, I mean.
560
00:41:14,208 --> 00:41:18,040
Hello, Colin? Yeah, this is Alan.
Yeah, this is an SOS.
561
00:41:18,166 --> 00:41:19,290
Can I come over?
562
00:41:19,416 --> 00:41:22,332
ALAN: 'Hi, this is Dicky Bird
and I've got a real problem.
563
00:41:22,458 --> 00:41:25,999
'I've just tasted an exciting
new minty snack called EasiChews,
564
00:41:26,125 --> 00:41:28,832
'but I can't decide whether
it's a mint or a chew bar.
565
00:41:28,958 --> 00:41:30,499
'It comes from the people
who make Minty Crunch,
566
00:41:30,625 --> 00:41:32,499
'so you know that
it tastes good and minty,
567
00:41:32,625 --> 00:41:34,832
'but it chews like a real chewy chew bar.
568
00:41:34,958 --> 00:41:38,665
'It's a between-meal snack that comes
in four big chocolate-covered fingers.
569
00:41:38,791 --> 00:41:41,915
'Try one, and then you decide.
Is it a mint or is it a chew?
570
00:41:42,041 --> 00:41:43,249
'It's a problem.'
571
00:41:49,500 --> 00:41:51,999
How was the operation yesterday?
572
00:41:53,125 --> 00:41:56,499
- Eh?
- The operation.
573
00:41:56,625 --> 00:42:00,082
Oh, yeah. That was fine. Um...
574
00:42:00,208 --> 00:42:03,332
The bugger had eaten a sandwich
the night before and not told us.
575
00:42:03,458 --> 00:42:05,874
I very nearly sewed his new kidney
onto a piece of tomato.
576
00:42:06,000 --> 00:42:07,832
(LAUGHS)
577
00:42:07,958 --> 00:42:12,415
The one essential is a good empty gut.
But the kidney seems like a good match.
578
00:42:14,041 --> 00:42:18,624
- What did you do last night?
- I bought some ice cream.
579
00:42:18,750 --> 00:42:19,915
Oh.
580
00:42:20,041 --> 00:42:23,165
Do you know anything about ice cream?
I mean professionally.
581
00:42:23,291 --> 00:42:25,790
- Medically.
- Erm...
582
00:42:25,916 --> 00:42:28,874
- Chemically.
- Not a lot, no.
583
00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:31,624
(CHILD CRIES)
584
00:42:31,750 --> 00:42:33,832
- You should ask the experts.
- Aye.
585
00:42:36,041 --> 00:42:38,832
Could you sew it for her, please?
586
00:42:40,208 --> 00:42:42,624
Oh, I've left my needle and thread
at the hospital, sweetheart.
587
00:42:42,750 --> 00:42:46,790
Oh, this is a real mess, Lilly.
I've told you about amputations.
588
00:42:46,916 --> 00:42:51,124
Now, you just watch them closely
and only chop if you have to, OK?
589
00:42:51,250 --> 00:42:53,082
(CHILD CRIES)
590
00:42:53,208 --> 00:42:56,165
I wish I could cry like that.
I've forgotten how to.
591
00:42:56,291 --> 00:42:58,374
Have another couple of drinks
and it'll all come back.
592
00:42:58,500 --> 00:43:02,499
- Oh, aye.
- Well, that's serious medical advice.
593
00:43:02,625 --> 00:43:05,332
Sometimes there's
nothing like a good skinful.
594
00:43:05,458 --> 00:43:08,749
Stay the night, Alan.
The girls can double up.
595
00:43:08,875 --> 00:43:12,249
Do you want me to ask him?
596
00:43:13,500 --> 00:43:17,457
Lilly says you can get her ready
for bed tonight, Uncle Dicky.
597
00:43:17,583 --> 00:43:19,582
- Now, that's a great honour.
- Lilly.
598
00:43:19,708 --> 00:43:21,832
Dicky in the bed,
girls in the bunk, all right?
599
00:43:21,958 --> 00:43:23,457
- Yes.
- Night-night, ladies.
600
00:43:23,583 --> 00:43:25,082
Kiss Daddy night-night.
601
00:43:25,708 --> 00:43:28,874
- Big kiss. Mm-mm!
- Aw...!
602
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:30,540
Night-night, night-night, sweetheart.
603
00:43:30,666 --> 00:43:33,832
- (CRIES)
- Come on, baby. There.
604
00:43:33,958 --> 00:43:36,040
Come on.
605
00:43:36,791 --> 00:43:39,124
You're a lucky bugger.
606
00:43:40,083 --> 00:43:42,415
How did you get it all together?
607
00:43:43,458 --> 00:43:45,332
You're so productive.
608
00:43:45,458 --> 00:43:48,249
Reproductive. There's a difference.
609
00:43:49,666 --> 00:43:53,415
Now, don't forget. I was always
jealous of you at university.
610
00:43:53,541 --> 00:43:55,499
Organising the hops, hm?
611
00:43:55,625 --> 00:43:57,790
- (CHUCKLES)
- Mr Showbiz.
612
00:43:57,916 --> 00:44:00,082
- Pulling girls.
- Failing exams.
613
00:44:00,208 --> 00:44:03,082
Even that made me jealous.
I didn't have the guts to fail exams.
614
00:44:03,208 --> 00:44:06,082
You're just trying to make me feel better.
615
00:44:06,208 --> 00:44:08,290
Well, that's my job.
616
00:44:11,375 --> 00:44:14,957
I only hung around with you
because you knew all the fast girls.
617
00:44:15,083 --> 00:44:18,082
Yeah, but you married one of them.
You got one of them to keep.
618
00:44:18,208 --> 00:44:19,582
I don't even have a home.
619
00:44:19,708 --> 00:44:22,540
You drive around the city
and all you see are homes,
620
00:44:22,666 --> 00:44:23,915
and I don't have one.
621
00:44:24,041 --> 00:44:26,790
Oh, we've all got worries, you know.
622
00:44:26,916 --> 00:44:29,999
I have this recurring nightmare about you
coming to date one of my daughters
623
00:44:30,125 --> 00:44:31,832
in about ten years' time. It's awful.
624
00:44:31,958 --> 00:44:35,207
Well, she will be old enough
to know her own mind, Colin.
625
00:44:35,333 --> 00:44:39,249
Well, imagine, that little madam
wanting you to undress her tonight.
626
00:44:39,375 --> 00:44:41,124
Six years old.
627
00:44:41,250 --> 00:44:43,665
(CHUCKLES)
628
00:44:49,333 --> 00:44:51,540
(TOY SQUEAKS)
629
00:45:29,208 --> 00:45:31,457
LILLY: Night-night, Dicky.
630
00:45:33,166 --> 00:45:35,915
ALAN: Night-night, Lilly.
631
00:45:36,041 --> 00:45:38,874
Er... will you be staying tomorrow night?
632
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:40,999
I don't think so.
633
00:45:42,250 --> 00:45:44,165
Will you play me a record?
634
00:45:44,291 --> 00:45:47,415
On the Saturday show. I promise.
635
00:45:47,541 --> 00:45:51,332
Um... it's for Andrew,
but don't mention my name.
636
00:45:51,458 --> 00:45:53,499
OK.
637
00:45:53,625 --> 00:45:56,207
- Night-night.
- Night-night.
638
00:46:39,625 --> 00:46:43,749
- What happened to the car?
- Ice-cream cones.
639
00:46:43,875 --> 00:46:46,249
Take me home. I'm freezing.
640
00:46:46,375 --> 00:46:48,082
How did you find me?
641
00:46:48,208 --> 00:46:51,249
Oh, I tried you at home
and the rest was easy.
642
00:46:52,833 --> 00:46:55,249
- You're a dream, aren't you?
- (CHUCKLES)
643
00:46:55,375 --> 00:46:57,415
No, I'm real.
644
00:46:57,541 --> 00:46:59,707
Touch me.
645
00:46:59,833 --> 00:47:01,957
Feel me.
646
00:47:02,083 --> 00:47:04,332
Sniff me.
647
00:47:04,458 --> 00:47:06,790
I smell nice, don't I?
648
00:47:06,916 --> 00:47:09,249
Even my sweat smells nice.
649
00:47:09,375 --> 00:47:10,957
(THEY CHUCKLE)
650
00:47:11,083 --> 00:47:12,624
Take me home.
651
00:47:12,750 --> 00:47:15,874
Oh, you wee bugger, you're not a dream.
652
00:47:19,666 --> 00:47:21,832
Maddy, I'm...
653
00:47:37,208 --> 00:47:39,040
(SIGHS)
654
00:47:40,166 --> 00:47:42,124
- (MUSIC PLAYS)
- Hi, Dicky Bird here.
655
00:47:42,250 --> 00:47:45,124
My parties are going with a zing
this Christmas, and you know why?
656
00:47:45,250 --> 00:47:48,082
It's new Party Mix,
the drink mixer for every taste,
657
00:47:48,208 --> 00:47:50,999
in tangy, tropical four-fruits
or smoothie-tomato flavour.
658
00:47:51,125 --> 00:47:55,582
Yes, gin, vodka and Bacardi
taste new and exciting with Party Mix.
659
00:47:55,708 --> 00:47:58,415
Come in and join the crowd with Party Mix.
660
00:47:58,541 --> 00:48:00,874
GIRL: 'Hey, Dicky darling, over here!'
661
00:48:01,000 --> 00:48:04,540
Excuse me, folks. See you later.
Help yourself to the Party Mix.
662
00:48:04,666 --> 00:48:07,374
♪ Party Mix, your new Party Mix ♪
663
00:48:07,500 --> 00:48:11,040
ENGINEER: Sorry, Alan. We'd like to go again.
We'll have to do a live mix, OK?
664
00:48:11,166 --> 00:48:13,624
(TAPE REWINDS)
665
00:48:13,750 --> 00:48:16,415
Clive says could you make it
a bit more suggestive at the end,
666
00:48:16,541 --> 00:48:18,665
like you know you're going
to have a good time.
667
00:48:19,791 --> 00:48:21,957
A good time. Lovely, thanks.
668
00:48:22,083 --> 00:48:24,207
Mm-hm.
669
00:48:24,333 --> 00:48:26,915
♪ ...around me tight,
oh, Santa, hear my plea... ♪
670
00:48:27,041 --> 00:48:28,415
A message for you, Alan.
671
00:48:28,541 --> 00:48:31,999
♪ Santa, bring my baby back to me... ♪
672
00:48:32,125 --> 00:48:36,707
A Mr Bruno Cullinari says he'll see you
outside the car park at six o'clock.
673
00:48:36,833 --> 00:48:40,582
- Mr who?
- Bruno Cullinari? He was a bit weird.
674
00:48:40,708 --> 00:48:42,415
Mm-hm. OK, thanks.
675
00:48:42,541 --> 00:48:47,499
Alan? Bob Hope and Fred Astaire.
The doubles competition.
676
00:48:49,083 --> 00:48:50,499
- I'm Bob Hope.
- Right.
677
00:48:50,625 --> 00:48:53,415
I was actually more like him
when I was younger.
678
00:48:53,541 --> 00:48:56,582
I've got a photograph.
Does photographs count?
679
00:48:56,708 --> 00:48:58,040
Er... I'm not sure about that.
680
00:48:58,166 --> 00:49:01,290
No, the rules are a wee bit hazy
on that score.
681
00:49:01,416 --> 00:49:04,624
Now, look, this was taken in 1958
682
00:49:04,750 --> 00:49:07,832
and everybody says
I was Bob Hope's double.
683
00:49:07,958 --> 00:49:09,290
Surely that must go for something.
684
00:49:09,416 --> 00:49:13,082
Er... yeah, well, look, Bob,
we'll let you know on that. Thanks.
685
00:49:13,208 --> 00:49:15,374
Er... Mr Bird? Fred Astaire.
686
00:51:18,708 --> 00:51:20,707
(KNOCKS ON WINDOW)
687
00:51:20,833 --> 00:51:23,665
- Yes?
- Thank you for coming, Mr Bird.
688
00:51:23,791 --> 00:51:25,874
Come on out. You're OK.
689
00:51:27,166 --> 00:51:29,540
It's a real treat to meet you, Mr Bird.
690
00:51:30,791 --> 00:51:34,790
- That's my brother Paolo.
- How do you do?
691
00:51:34,916 --> 00:51:38,040
- That's Renato....
- (WHISTLES TUNE)
692
00:51:39,416 --> 00:51:41,624
and I'm Bruno.
693
00:51:41,750 --> 00:51:44,207
Come inside and meet Mr McCool.
694
00:52:18,958 --> 00:52:21,999
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
695
00:52:24,333 --> 00:52:26,665
Mr Bird, meet Mr McCool.
696
00:52:26,791 --> 00:52:28,249
Mr Bird.
697
00:52:28,375 --> 00:52:31,790
- I believe you know Mr Bunny.
- Oh, no, hardly at all.
698
00:52:31,916 --> 00:52:36,457
No, I bought a 99 from him and, er...
we exchanged a few words.
699
00:52:37,250 --> 00:52:39,290
Sit down, please, Mr Bird.
700
00:52:56,458 --> 00:53:01,207
Mr Bird, ice cream
is an old established business.
701
00:53:01,333 --> 00:53:04,332
Everybody knows
where he stands in the city.
702
00:53:04,458 --> 00:53:08,499
We all work together.
It's a kind of family.
703
00:53:08,625 --> 00:53:10,082
That sounds nice.
704
00:53:11,791 --> 00:53:15,957
Of course, everything works on trust.
Kind of unwritten rules.
705
00:53:16,875 --> 00:53:20,207
A certain amount of honour is involved.
706
00:53:20,333 --> 00:53:21,957
But Mr Bunny doesn't play by the rules.
707
00:53:22,625 --> 00:53:25,207
- The unwritten ones?
- Yes.
708
00:53:25,333 --> 00:53:28,249
The unwritten ones.
709
00:53:28,375 --> 00:53:31,249
It's a territorial thing, really.
710
00:53:31,375 --> 00:53:34,082
Other people work in the east,
in the south,
711
00:53:34,208 --> 00:53:38,415
but we do business here in the north,
where we belong.
712
00:53:38,541 --> 00:53:42,624
But Mr Bunny,
he's all over the place, Mr Bird.
713
00:53:43,875 --> 00:53:45,707
He is an interloper.
714
00:53:45,833 --> 00:53:49,332
He's like a rogue elephant,
wild, no rules.
715
00:53:49,458 --> 00:53:53,040
Well, as I say,
we only exchanged a few words.
716
00:53:53,166 --> 00:53:55,790
In fact I'm not even sure
if it was Mr Bunny himself.
717
00:53:55,916 --> 00:53:58,832
No, no, no, there is no Mr Bunny, Mr Bird.
718
00:53:58,958 --> 00:54:02,999
I told you, he's wild. He's a rogue.
719
00:54:03,125 --> 00:54:06,540
No family, no heart.
Just a bunch of desperadoes.
720
00:54:08,416 --> 00:54:10,707
Well, what's it got to do with me?
721
00:54:11,958 --> 00:54:15,249
You must talk to him,
let him see reason...
722
00:54:16,333 --> 00:54:18,290
before things get bad.
723
00:54:18,416 --> 00:54:21,999
But they're bad already.
I mean, my car, the seats are ruined!
724
00:54:22,125 --> 00:54:24,582
Have you ever tried to get
ice cream off velour upholstery?
725
00:54:24,708 --> 00:54:26,915
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
726
00:54:32,750 --> 00:54:35,290
(CONTINUES IN ITALIAN)
727
00:54:57,166 --> 00:55:01,749
My father says that things can
only get worse if you don't help us.
728
00:55:01,875 --> 00:55:05,207
People do desperate things
when their livelihood is threatened.
729
00:55:05,333 --> 00:55:07,249
For reasons of honour
and for other reasons,
730
00:55:07,375 --> 00:55:09,249
we can't talk directly to Mr Bunny.
731
00:55:09,375 --> 00:55:11,707
Everybody puts their faith in you.
732
00:55:11,833 --> 00:55:15,415
My father says that he speaks for
the whole of the ice-cream community,
733
00:55:15,541 --> 00:55:18,124
and my father asks
if he can call you Dicky.
734
00:55:19,458 --> 00:55:22,915
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
735
00:55:27,541 --> 00:55:30,540
My father says that ice cream is his life
736
00:55:30,666 --> 00:55:33,540
and, er... he's called you Dicky again.
737
00:55:34,208 --> 00:55:38,332
Call me Alan.
Yeah, my friends call me Alan, er...
738
00:55:38,458 --> 00:55:42,040
Well, er... I'll do what I can.
739
00:55:44,166 --> 00:55:46,790
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
740
00:55:49,750 --> 00:55:52,915
Thank you for helping us.
I knew you would.
741
00:55:53,041 --> 00:55:54,790
You came along just when we needed you.
742
00:55:58,708 --> 00:56:01,540
The best machines for the best ice cream.
743
00:56:03,625 --> 00:56:05,874
Ah, grazie, Renato.
744
00:56:07,041 --> 00:56:10,957
A small early token
of our appreciation, Alan.
745
00:56:11,083 --> 00:56:12,582
Gold Medal de luxe vanilla.
746
00:56:12,708 --> 00:56:14,665
Of course, you can have
any flavour you like it.
747
00:56:14,791 --> 00:56:17,582
Oh, no, that's... that's fine.
Vanilla is fine, yes.
748
00:56:17,708 --> 00:56:22,290
And this is what Mr Bunny and people
like him want to deprive the people of,
749
00:56:22,416 --> 00:56:24,957
a first-class ice cream. Please.
750
00:56:25,083 --> 00:56:27,624
- Oh, thank you.
- Pleasure.
751
00:56:27,750 --> 00:56:29,665
- Oh, and I wonder...
- Yes?
752
00:56:29,791 --> 00:56:32,415
Could you help me out with a pint of milk?
I think I missed the shops.
753
00:56:32,541 --> 00:56:35,124
Of course, of course.
(CONTINUES IN ITALIAN)
754
00:56:35,250 --> 00:56:36,499
Si, si.
755
00:56:36,625 --> 00:56:39,582
Er... that's Archie and Amos,
two of my best men.
756
00:56:39,708 --> 00:56:42,124
This is Dicky Bird from the radio.
757
00:56:43,250 --> 00:56:45,665
Er... I'm Amos. He's Archie.
758
00:56:48,125 --> 00:56:50,124
Bruno.
759
00:56:54,125 --> 00:56:55,915
Oh. Ha.
760
00:56:56,041 --> 00:56:58,249
Here. Let me pay for this.
761
00:56:58,375 --> 00:57:00,915
Well, if you insist. It's 20 pence.
That's exactly what we pay.
762
00:57:01,041 --> 00:57:04,707
Aye, 20p. Well, there you are. Thank you.
763
00:57:04,833 --> 00:57:06,082
- Ah, Bruno?
- Si?
764
00:57:06,208 --> 00:57:08,874
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
765
00:57:10,625 --> 00:57:13,207
My father apologises
for speaking in Italian,
766
00:57:13,333 --> 00:57:15,040
but he says
it's the language of his heart.
767
00:57:15,166 --> 00:57:16,665
Oh, sure.
768
00:57:16,791 --> 00:57:20,415
Well, er... cheerio and, er...
769
00:57:20,541 --> 00:57:23,249
thanks for the milk
and the ice cream and, er...
770
00:57:23,375 --> 00:57:25,082
Good night, Mr Bird. Thank you very much.
771
00:57:25,208 --> 00:57:27,790
- Good night.
- Good night, sir.
772
00:57:27,916 --> 00:57:30,124
Good night.
773
00:57:30,250 --> 00:57:32,374
- Good night. We'll keep in touch.
- Thank you.
774
00:57:32,500 --> 00:57:34,832
Bye-bye.
775
00:57:47,541 --> 00:57:49,415
Dicky? Dicky.
776
00:57:49,541 --> 00:57:53,582
- Could I have your autograph?
- Oh, sure, sure, yes.
777
00:57:53,708 --> 00:57:57,582
Have you got a... have you got a pen?
Right, lovely. What was your name again?
778
00:57:57,708 --> 00:58:00,957
Er... could... could you make it to
"my dear friend Paolo"?
779
00:58:01,083 --> 00:58:04,207
- To my dear friend Paolo, eh?
- Paolo.
780
00:58:04,333 --> 00:58:06,874
That's a good Scottish name,
that, isn't it?
781
00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:09,249
Dicky Bird.
782
00:58:09,375 --> 00:58:12,040
"Tweet, twiddly, tweet."
783
00:58:12,166 --> 00:58:14,082
- That's great.
- Lovely. OK?
784
00:58:14,208 --> 00:58:15,332
- Right, thanks a lot.
- See you.
785
00:58:15,458 --> 00:58:18,874
- Lovely car.
- Aye, thanks very much.
786
00:58:20,666 --> 00:58:23,249
(CAR STARTS)
787
00:58:23,375 --> 00:58:25,999
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
788
00:58:31,166 --> 00:58:33,665
(CONTINUING IN ITALIAN)
789
00:58:37,458 --> 00:58:42,082
♪ Me and Mrs Jones
790
00:58:45,041 --> 00:58:51,999
♪ We got a thing going on
791
00:58:57,541 --> 00:59:03,290
♪ We meet every day at the same cafe
792
00:59:03,416 --> 00:59:08,915
♪ 6.30 and no-one knows she'll be there
793
00:59:11,875 --> 00:59:14,332
♪ Holding hands
794
00:59:14,458 --> 00:59:17,915
♪ Making all kinds of plans
795
00:59:18,041 --> 00:59:23,207
♪ While the jukebox plays
our favourite song
796
00:59:23,333 --> 00:59:29,415
♪ Me and Mrs... Mrs Jones
797
00:59:29,541 --> 00:59:32,874
♪ Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones...
798
01:00:00,125 --> 01:00:02,957
And I know that this will be very bad
news for Bob Hope of Anniesland,
799
01:00:03,083 --> 01:00:04,832
but, come on, Bob, keep trying.
800
01:00:04,958 --> 01:00:07,332
Maybe you could practise
looking like somebody else, eh?
801
01:00:07,458 --> 01:00:11,124
(JINGLE) ♪ Someday famous
802
01:00:11,250 --> 01:00:17,457
♪ Lookalike, lookalike, someday famous ♪
803
01:00:18,666 --> 01:00:21,165
And before I go today,
I just want to steal the airwaves
804
01:00:21,291 --> 01:00:23,582
and just get a teensy bit serious.
805
01:00:23,708 --> 01:00:27,915
I've got a message for someone
who might just be listening. Mr Bunny.
806
01:00:28,041 --> 01:00:31,207
Or Miss Bunny.
I do want to talk to you again.
807
01:00:31,333 --> 01:00:35,082
So, how about same time, same place?
808
01:00:35,208 --> 01:00:37,540
Tonight. End of message.
809
01:00:39,708 --> 01:00:42,915
And listen, everybody. One day soon,
I'm gonna tell you all about this.
810
01:00:43,041 --> 01:00:48,082
Perhaps in a very special programme.
But until then I'm a man of mystery.
811
01:01:11,166 --> 01:01:13,540
I'm afraid that tooth's very bad.
812
01:01:14,666 --> 01:01:17,207
So, what we'll do, seeing it's you...
813
01:01:18,416 --> 01:01:21,040
we'll put a dressing into it
814
01:01:21,166 --> 01:01:23,415
and...
815
01:01:23,541 --> 01:01:27,749
if there's no pain at all,
fix it on your next visit.
816
01:01:37,250 --> 01:01:39,832
(ICE-CREAM JINGLE PLAYS)
817
01:01:43,250 --> 01:01:46,165
MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!
818
01:02:12,666 --> 01:02:14,785
'Hello, folks!
819
01:02:35,370 --> 01:02:37,116
'Hello, folks!
820
01:02:50,625 --> 01:02:52,624
'Hello, folks!'
821
01:03:13,958 --> 01:03:16,957
This is the reserve vehicle.
The rest are back at the body shop.
822
01:03:17,083 --> 01:03:20,874
This is me completely out of action.
No more front-line units.
823
01:03:21,000 --> 01:03:23,249
- I just wanted to have a word with you.
- I know that.
824
01:03:23,375 --> 01:03:25,332
I was coming to see you.
What did you think I was doing?
825
01:03:25,458 --> 01:03:27,749
- I thought you were trying to get away.
- Oh, God Almighty.
826
01:03:27,875 --> 01:03:32,415
This is my first night on the Loganvale
estate. I was cleaning up here!
827
01:03:32,541 --> 01:03:35,249
Let's have a look. Your radiator's OK.
828
01:03:35,375 --> 01:03:38,124
I'll get the lads at the body shop
to beat this out for you.
829
01:03:38,250 --> 01:03:40,749
Oh, no, no, no. I'll get it fixed.
830
01:03:41,750 --> 01:03:43,665
No point hanging about here, is there?
831
01:03:43,791 --> 01:03:46,290
Come on, follow me back to HQ.
832
01:04:15,250 --> 01:04:18,040
(ICE-CREAM JINGLE PLAYS)
833
01:04:21,541 --> 01:04:25,249
MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!'
834
01:04:28,625 --> 01:04:31,582
You seen some action tonight, Trevor.
Was it a ramming job?
835
01:04:31,708 --> 01:04:35,249
No, it was Robin Hood here
coming to rescue me.
836
01:04:36,833 --> 01:04:39,749
MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!
837
01:04:44,125 --> 01:04:46,374
- 'Hello, folks!'
- Oh, you're, er...
838
01:04:46,500 --> 01:04:49,540
- (WHISTLES "DICKY BIRD" JINGLE)
- Aye.
839
01:04:51,875 --> 01:04:54,499
MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!'
840
01:04:55,541 --> 01:04:57,374
Oh, it's just superficial damage.
841
01:04:57,500 --> 01:04:59,832
I'll get Roddy to bash it out
and slap some paint on it.
842
01:04:59,958 --> 01:05:01,707
Oh, no, please. I'll fix it tomorrow.
843
01:05:01,833 --> 01:05:05,124
Suit yourself. It'll cost you a fortune
to get it fixed anywhere else.
844
01:05:05,250 --> 01:05:08,832
- Really?
- We can field two units tomorrow night.
845
01:05:08,958 --> 01:05:11,624
- I've fixed up the freezer on the Merc.
- Oh, good, good. Well done.
846
01:05:11,750 --> 01:05:13,165
- Listen, is Charlotte in the...
- She's in the office.
847
01:05:13,291 --> 01:05:14,415
Right.
848
01:05:14,541 --> 01:05:17,999
MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!'
849
01:05:20,541 --> 01:05:23,540
So, is this really
the ultimate driving machine?
850
01:05:25,125 --> 01:05:26,415
- Mm-hm.
- Good.
851
01:05:26,541 --> 01:05:29,832
(PLAYS JINGLE)
852
01:05:29,958 --> 01:05:31,624
Hello, folks!
853
01:05:35,666 --> 01:05:37,332
(ENGINE REVS)
854
01:05:37,458 --> 01:05:39,332
Hello, folks!
855
01:05:44,458 --> 01:05:46,790
MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!'
856
01:05:52,166 --> 01:05:54,290
Take a seat.
857
01:05:59,250 --> 01:06:01,957
Mr Bird here wants to talk to us.
858
01:06:02,083 --> 01:06:05,207
- He's seen McCool.
- Oh, yeah?
859
01:06:05,333 --> 01:06:10,540
McCool wants to get together,
reach an agreement.
860
01:06:10,666 --> 01:06:13,582
- He's very upset.
- (THEY LAUGH)
861
01:06:13,708 --> 01:06:16,499
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
862
01:06:18,250 --> 01:06:20,124
(LAUGHING)
863
01:06:20,250 --> 01:06:22,624
I think it's a serious offer.
864
01:06:22,750 --> 01:06:26,124
Oh, McCool's serious, all right.
He's deadly serious.
865
01:06:27,375 --> 01:06:30,040
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
866
01:06:31,375 --> 01:06:33,749
Do you have any idea
what you're getting involved in here?
867
01:06:33,875 --> 01:06:38,165
- Do you work for McCool?
- Oh, certainly not. I'm a journalist.
868
01:06:38,291 --> 01:06:41,165
I'm trying to stop senseless violence.
869
01:06:42,208 --> 01:06:44,540
McCool runs a big outfit.
He wants to talk.
870
01:06:44,666 --> 01:06:47,540
He wants to annihilate us,
that's what he wants.
871
01:06:47,666 --> 01:06:51,249
McCool has got a stranglehold on
every operator in the north of this city.
872
01:06:51,375 --> 01:06:55,332
He controls every franchise.
Wafer supply, ice cream, soft drinks.
873
01:06:55,458 --> 01:06:58,915
He's even got a 10% mark-up
on every gallon of raspberry essence.
874
01:06:59,041 --> 01:07:01,332
Now, you do your shopping elsewhere
and you got the demolition treatment.
875
01:07:01,458 --> 01:07:04,332
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
876
01:07:05,541 --> 01:07:08,874
How long have you been locked up
in that radio station of yours, Mr Bird?
877
01:07:09,000 --> 01:07:10,957
Do you have any idea
what's going on around here?
878
01:07:11,083 --> 01:07:15,749
Well, I got the impression that he wants
to try and find a working relationship.
879
01:07:15,875 --> 01:07:19,082
Oh, yeah, exactly. Us working for him.
880
01:07:19,208 --> 01:07:22,415
And you want me to tell those people
that you want them to work for McCool,
881
01:07:22,541 --> 01:07:24,832
after the threats, the violence,
the day-and-night work here?
882
01:07:24,958 --> 01:07:25,999
You go and tell them!
883
01:07:26,125 --> 01:07:30,582
Well, something's got to be done.
It seems so stupid. It's almost like a joke.
884
01:07:30,708 --> 01:07:34,540
People getting so angry about ice cream.
It's a joke.
885
01:07:34,666 --> 01:07:38,415
And what deadly serious occupation
are you involved in, Mr Dicky Bird?
886
01:07:38,541 --> 01:07:41,499
What exactly is
your contribution to humanity?
887
01:07:43,375 --> 01:07:46,915
I want to help. But what can I do?
888
01:07:47,041 --> 01:07:49,207
I want to help all of you find a solution.
889
01:07:50,375 --> 01:07:54,040
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
890
01:08:01,916 --> 01:08:04,165
(CONTINUING IN ITALIAN)
891
01:08:05,333 --> 01:08:09,749
You tell McCool this. We'll take
his ice cream, but under our conditions.
892
01:08:09,875 --> 01:08:12,790
Every Mr Bunny's his own boss,
and that's the way it stays.
893
01:08:12,916 --> 01:08:15,165
Now, we're talking equal prices
with no mark-ups.
894
01:08:15,291 --> 01:08:17,207
And an open market in wafers.
We buy where we want.
895
01:08:17,333 --> 01:08:19,624
If he prices fairly,
then he gets the business.
896
01:08:20,750 --> 01:08:24,124
Now, on territories, we are willing
to negotiate openly around the table.
897
01:08:24,250 --> 01:08:25,582
We talk under those conditions.
898
01:08:25,708 --> 01:08:28,665
Where do you get your supplies from
at the moment?
899
01:08:28,791 --> 01:08:31,790
So, that's what McCool's after.
That's why he sent you.
900
01:08:31,916 --> 01:08:34,165
- He must be worried, Charlotte.
- ALAN: Nobody sent me.
901
01:08:34,291 --> 01:08:37,040
OK, well, you go back
to where nobody sent you from
902
01:08:37,166 --> 01:08:41,290
and you tell them what we said,
we talk in an open market.
903
01:08:41,416 --> 01:08:43,790
- OK.
- OK.
904
01:08:45,833 --> 01:08:48,374
Now, you'd better go before
the boys get to work on your car.
905
01:08:48,500 --> 01:08:50,790
You'll end up with a fridge in the back
and a set of chimes.
906
01:08:50,916 --> 01:08:52,707
MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!'
907
01:08:52,833 --> 01:08:55,999
Charlotte? See Mr Bird off the premises.
908
01:08:58,791 --> 01:09:02,165
Parlare italiano, er... non...
909
01:09:02,291 --> 01:09:04,124
I speak English.
910
01:09:04,250 --> 01:09:06,624
Oh, good.
Well, I'm on your side, Charlotte.
911
01:09:06,750 --> 01:09:08,374
- You know that.
- Oh?
912
01:09:08,500 --> 01:09:12,665
Well, I'm on... I'm on both your sides,
really, because what I think...
913
01:09:12,791 --> 01:09:15,332
I think you should all be
on the same side.
914
01:09:15,458 --> 01:09:17,207
MR BUNNY: 'Cheerio, folks!'
915
01:09:17,333 --> 01:09:22,915
I'd really like to see you again...
and get to know you better.
916
01:09:23,041 --> 01:09:24,915
MR BUNNY: 'Cheerio, folks!'
917
01:09:25,041 --> 01:09:28,332
What's the matter? Don't people
date each other anymore?
918
01:09:30,125 --> 01:09:32,582
- Well, gee, I don't know.
- MR BUNNY: 'Cheerio, folks!'
919
01:09:32,708 --> 01:09:35,082
TREVOR: Mr Bird!
920
01:09:38,083 --> 01:09:41,624
When you see McCool,
be sure and remind him.
921
01:09:41,750 --> 01:09:45,665
Formerly Mr Softy. No more.
922
01:09:45,791 --> 01:09:47,915
MR BUNNY: 'Cheerio, folks!'
923
01:09:48,041 --> 01:09:51,082
Here. Here's some ice cream for you.
924
01:09:51,208 --> 01:09:53,124
Oh. Thank you.
925
01:09:53,250 --> 01:09:55,207
MR BUNNY: 'Cheerio, folks!'
926
01:09:55,333 --> 01:09:57,624
Oh, in the name of...
927
01:09:57,750 --> 01:10:01,290
Be finished in a minute, Dicky.
928
01:10:02,458 --> 01:10:04,124
(ENGINE REVS)
929
01:10:56,541 --> 01:11:00,082
♪ Munch them all day! ♪
930
01:11:00,208 --> 01:11:01,499
ALAN: 'Thrifty Pops! Thrifty Pops!
931
01:11:01,625 --> 01:11:04,124
'You just munch them all day.
They never stop.'
932
01:11:04,250 --> 01:11:07,707
♪ Thrifty Pops! Thrifty Pops!
I want them now... ♪
933
01:11:33,916 --> 01:11:36,249
Oh, hello, Mr Bird. Please come in.
934
01:11:36,375 --> 01:11:38,665
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
935
01:11:38,791 --> 01:11:41,457
Sit down. Have a cup of coffee.
936
01:11:42,708 --> 01:11:46,707
A wee cake
or some chocolate biscuit, Alan?
937
01:11:46,833 --> 01:11:49,332
- Yes, please.
- Maria.
938
01:11:51,541 --> 01:11:54,374
Maria, what have you got left?
Any Kunzle cake?
939
01:11:54,500 --> 01:11:57,999
Yes, I have two Kunzle cakes
and, er... some apple pie.
940
01:11:58,125 --> 01:12:01,582
Oh, good, good, good.
Mr Bird and I will have the Kunzle cakes.
941
01:12:01,708 --> 01:12:05,707
Some biscuit for the boys.
Oh, a wee slice of apple pie too.
942
01:12:05,833 --> 01:12:07,874
There's a good girl.
943
01:12:08,958 --> 01:12:11,332
I wanted some Kunzle cake as well.
944
01:12:12,416 --> 01:12:13,540
Well, that's a pity, Bruno,
945
01:12:13,666 --> 01:12:18,665
because you'll just have to have
some apple pie or a Yo Yo, won't you?
946
01:12:20,166 --> 01:12:24,415
So, Alan, what did Mr Bunny
have to say for himself?
947
01:12:24,541 --> 01:12:27,915
A lot. He wants to talk.
948
01:12:28,041 --> 01:12:30,207
- I think it could work out good.
- Hm.
949
01:12:32,041 --> 01:12:33,957
Where did you meet? His place?
950
01:12:34,083 --> 01:12:37,332
Mm-hm. We went there, yes.
951
01:12:37,458 --> 01:12:39,332
Where? Where is it?
952
01:12:39,458 --> 01:12:42,540
Now, listen. I'm not taking any sides.
953
01:12:42,666 --> 01:12:46,540
You asked me to help you talk
to Mr Bunny. That's all.
954
01:12:46,666 --> 01:12:48,665
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
955
01:13:15,333 --> 01:13:17,207
Hey, Bruno, please. Here, have this.
956
01:13:17,333 --> 01:13:19,999
- Thanks.
- Bruno.
957
01:13:20,125 --> 01:13:22,707
Give Alan his Kunzle cake.
958
01:13:29,333 --> 01:13:32,582
Well, they have simple demands.
959
01:13:32,708 --> 01:13:35,874
They want to do business with you,
that's obvious.
960
01:13:36,000 --> 01:13:37,915
Who? Who's they?
961
01:13:38,833 --> 01:13:41,874
I spoke with Trevor.
That's no secret, is it?
962
01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:44,332
Trevor? Trevor, Trevor, Trevor!
963
01:13:46,833 --> 01:13:49,374
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
964
01:14:02,125 --> 01:14:04,415
My father says,
"Of all the most loathsome names,
965
01:14:04,541 --> 01:14:07,415
"you have to mention that one,
the most abhorred name of all,
966
01:14:07,541 --> 01:14:10,332
"the name of a two-timing,
interloping, fish-and-chip seller.
967
01:14:10,458 --> 01:14:12,624
- "A name without honour."
- McCOOL: Yes.
968
01:14:12,750 --> 01:14:15,207
"The name of a son
whose father turns in his grave
969
01:14:15,333 --> 01:14:17,415
"to see the disgrace
that he brings to his family."
970
01:14:17,541 --> 01:14:19,165
I don't understand.
971
01:14:19,916 --> 01:14:23,582
Trevor's a Marinetti.
They have fish-and-chip shops all over.
972
01:14:23,708 --> 01:14:25,124
We were close to them at one time.
973
01:14:25,250 --> 01:14:28,624
Then Trevor started to drift into ice cream,
and he shouldn't have,
974
01:14:28,750 --> 01:14:30,290
because there was a...
there was a kind of a...
975
01:14:30,416 --> 01:14:32,540
Unwritten law.
976
01:14:32,666 --> 01:14:35,290
Yes, an unwritten law.
977
01:14:35,416 --> 01:14:38,124
Oh, dear God! What's this?
978
01:14:38,250 --> 01:14:40,415
I forgot I was at the dentist today.
979
01:14:40,541 --> 01:14:44,207
What else happened at Mr Bunny, Alan?
980
01:14:44,333 --> 01:14:46,374
Ah, well, nothing much.
981
01:14:46,500 --> 01:14:49,332
He wants to talk, that's for sure,
and, um...
982
01:14:49,458 --> 01:14:51,540
and they gave me some ice cream,
just like you did.
983
01:14:51,666 --> 01:14:54,665
Ah, they gave you some ice cream?
Some ice cream.
984
01:14:57,125 --> 01:14:58,707
Bruno... (SPEAKING ITALIAN)
985
01:15:01,166 --> 01:15:03,832
(CONTINUES IN ITALIAN)
986
01:15:07,125 --> 01:15:09,249
Si. Bravo, Papa. Si, si.
987
01:15:16,333 --> 01:15:21,374
My father says that one taste of that
ice cream can answer many questions.
988
01:15:21,500 --> 01:15:23,249
My father has the taste buds of a master.
989
01:15:23,375 --> 01:15:25,332
He knows every ice cream in the country.
990
01:15:25,458 --> 01:15:29,415
Paolo! Silenzio! (CONTINUES IN ITALIAN)
991
01:15:29,541 --> 01:15:31,290
You're not having my ice cream, Mr McCool.
992
01:15:31,416 --> 01:15:34,415
If you want one, there's a Mr Bunny van
every night up in Rosshall Park.
993
01:15:34,541 --> 01:15:37,207
Alan, Alan, please come back.
Have another cup of coffee.
994
01:15:37,333 --> 01:15:39,290
- Come on, please.
- Can I have your autograph?
995
01:15:39,416 --> 01:15:42,499
Aye, sure, sure. Is that to Maria?
996
01:15:42,625 --> 01:15:44,624
Just let me know
when you really want to talk.
997
01:15:44,750 --> 01:15:47,415
I'll be happy to fix it up for you.
998
01:15:47,541 --> 01:15:49,790
Ciao!
999
01:15:59,458 --> 01:16:01,540
Bruno, no!
1000
01:16:03,375 --> 01:16:05,790
Stupido!
1001
01:16:07,625 --> 01:16:09,499
RADIO: 'It was announced in Moscow today
1002
01:16:09,625 --> 01:16:12,415
'that Mamie the giant panda
died in the night.
1003
01:16:12,541 --> 01:16:17,249
'Earlier this week, zoo officials were
rejoicing at Mamie's confirmed pregnancy,
1004
01:16:17,375 --> 01:16:21,124
'but a spokesman said today that tests
had revealed a serious stomach illness
1005
01:16:21,250 --> 01:16:23,415
'bearing similar symptoms to pregnancy.
1006
01:16:23,541 --> 01:16:26,165
'Messages of condolence have
been arriving at the Moscow Zoo
1007
01:16:26,291 --> 01:16:28,082
'from all over the world.
1008
01:16:28,208 --> 01:16:29,665
'The spokesman also said
1009
01:16:29,791 --> 01:16:31,915
'that there would be early plans
to have Mamie stuffed
1010
01:16:32,041 --> 01:16:33,665
'and put on permanent display at the zoo
1011
01:16:33,791 --> 01:16:36,832
'as a lasting tribute to the generosity
of the People's Republic of China
1012
01:16:36,958 --> 01:16:39,707
'in gifting the animal
to the Russian people.'
1013
01:16:41,125 --> 01:16:43,999
(FOOTSTEPS)
1014
01:16:44,125 --> 01:16:47,165
(CLUNKS AND CREAKS)
1015
01:16:49,291 --> 01:16:51,415
(GASPS)
1016
01:16:51,541 --> 01:16:53,957
Shh.
1017
01:16:56,916 --> 01:16:58,165
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
1018
01:16:58,291 --> 01:17:00,790
- Shh.
- (MUFFLED NOISES)
1019
01:17:00,916 --> 01:17:03,290
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
1020
01:17:55,541 --> 01:17:58,957
And I'm saying this for any Mr Bunny who
may be listening. The message is urgent.
1021
01:17:59,083 --> 01:18:01,665
Mr McCool is on the trail.
1022
01:18:01,791 --> 01:18:03,707
Be prepared. Mr McCool is on to you.
1023
01:18:03,833 --> 01:18:08,290
So, please, same time, same place,
Mr Bunny, and I'll give you all the details
1024
01:18:08,416 --> 01:18:10,415
but in the meantime double the guards,
1025
01:18:10,541 --> 01:18:12,415
and send the women and children
to the hills.
1026
01:18:12,541 --> 01:18:15,332
ALAN: 'So, this is Dicky Worm,
your early bird, saying cheery-bye
1027
01:18:15,458 --> 01:18:17,832
'and don't forget, big prize day
tomorrow on the doubles match
1028
01:18:17,958 --> 01:18:20,499
'and the big prize this week
is a wee bitty special.
1029
01:18:20,625 --> 01:18:21,874
'It's one whole day's use
1030
01:18:22,000 --> 01:18:24,582
'of big station boss Hilary Sandeman's
American Express card,
1031
01:18:24,708 --> 01:18:26,165
'but knowing our Hilary,
1032
01:18:26,291 --> 01:18:28,832
'he'll make sure that it's Boxing Day
when all the shops are shut.
1033
01:18:28,958 --> 01:18:31,874
'But never mind.
Finally, once again, Mr Bunny.
1034
01:18:32,000 --> 01:18:33,832
'If any Mr Bunny is listening out there,
1035
01:18:33,958 --> 01:18:37,165
'then please get the word
back to big Mr Bunny.'
1036
01:18:37,291 --> 01:18:41,790
- Gloria? I want to see Alan Bird.
- 'The McCools are on the warpath. Bye!'
1037
01:18:41,916 --> 01:18:44,332
Well, I told you. I'm on to something.
1038
01:18:44,458 --> 01:18:47,124
It'll break soon. I'll make a programme.
1039
01:18:48,166 --> 01:18:51,874
- Alan, you have not been yourself lately.
- Well, that's just the point.
1040
01:18:52,000 --> 01:18:54,332
I wasn't myself before, when I was myself,
1041
01:18:54,458 --> 01:18:57,332
but now I am myself, or very nearly.
1042
01:18:58,125 --> 01:19:00,207
- I don't follow you.
- I told you.
1043
01:19:00,333 --> 01:19:03,290
I'm changing. I had to.
1044
01:19:03,416 --> 01:19:05,915
My life was the wrong flavour.
1045
01:19:06,041 --> 01:19:09,999
My whole life was the wrong ice cream.
It needed a new flavour.
1046
01:19:10,125 --> 01:19:11,499
Ice cream?
1047
01:19:11,625 --> 01:19:15,165
You see, I was raspberry when I
should have been vanilla. Do you get it?
1048
01:19:15,291 --> 01:19:17,540
- Oh.
- Ha-ha!
1049
01:19:17,666 --> 01:19:20,415
(CLEARS THROAT) Alan, does, er...
1050
01:19:20,541 --> 01:19:24,124
Does this Bunny talk to you a lot?
1051
01:19:24,250 --> 01:19:27,290
Oh, I talk to them all. I see them all.
I'm helping them. They need me.
1052
01:19:27,416 --> 01:19:28,957
- Them all?
- Yes.
1053
01:19:29,083 --> 01:19:31,290
I needed to care for something,
to get involved.
1054
01:19:31,416 --> 01:19:33,165
You can ask my friend Colin.
He's a surgeon.
1055
01:19:33,291 --> 01:19:34,999
Mm-hm.
1056
01:19:35,125 --> 01:19:38,165
I've got a friend too, Alan,
who's a kind of a doctor.
1057
01:19:38,291 --> 01:19:39,915
Would you like to have a talk with him?
1058
01:19:40,041 --> 01:19:41,499
What about?
1059
01:19:41,625 --> 01:19:43,832
I think you should see someone soon, Alan,
1060
01:19:43,958 --> 01:19:46,415
someone who could help you find yourself.
1061
01:19:46,541 --> 01:19:50,624
Oh, do you mean a head psychiatrist?
Oh, you think I'm nuts. I'm not nuts!
1062
01:19:50,750 --> 01:19:55,540
Alan, before you go back on the air again,
I have to insist.
1063
01:20:09,833 --> 01:20:12,415
- Mr Swan?
- Bird.
1064
01:20:12,541 --> 01:20:16,124
Make yourself at home.
I'll be with you in a jiffy.
1065
01:20:22,416 --> 01:20:25,999
I wouldn't lie there.
That's another £20 an hour.
1066
01:20:26,125 --> 01:20:27,957
Oh. Ha-ha.
1067
01:20:28,083 --> 01:20:31,665
It's mostly used for group therapy
nowadays, anyway.
1068
01:20:31,791 --> 01:20:33,957
(CHUCKLES)
1069
01:20:34,083 --> 01:20:35,915
(CHAIR CREAKS)
1070
01:20:37,875 --> 01:20:40,040
So, I hear you have
a friend called Mr Bunny?
1071
01:20:41,041 --> 01:20:43,165
Er... not a friend, no.
Somebody I'm helping.
1072
01:20:43,291 --> 01:20:45,707
I'm helping all of them,
all the Mr Bunnys.
1073
01:20:46,791 --> 01:20:50,207
How long have you been associating
with these Mr Bunnys?
1074
01:20:50,333 --> 01:20:53,249
All week, since Maddy left.
1075
01:20:53,375 --> 01:20:57,082
- Maddy?
- Yeah, my girl. She left me.
1076
01:20:57,208 --> 01:20:59,749
Yeah, we'd been together for four years.
1077
01:20:59,875 --> 01:21:01,540
It was... it was a bit of a shock.
1078
01:21:02,541 --> 01:21:03,832
How did that happen?
1079
01:21:03,958 --> 01:21:06,540
A removal truck came one night
and she left.
1080
01:21:06,666 --> 01:21:09,624
It was very sudden, yes, quite a shock.
1081
01:21:11,041 --> 01:21:12,832
How was your relationship with Maddy?
1082
01:21:12,958 --> 01:21:15,290
ALAN: Er... well, it was fine.
Well, I thought it was fine.
1083
01:21:15,416 --> 01:21:18,332
Yes, I thought we were a very good team.
1084
01:21:18,458 --> 01:21:21,290
Do you have a healthy sexual relationship?
1085
01:21:21,416 --> 01:21:24,374
Mm, very healthy, I thought.
1086
01:21:25,750 --> 01:21:28,207
Any abnormal sexual practices?
1087
01:21:32,208 --> 01:21:33,249
No.
1088
01:21:33,375 --> 01:21:36,582
- Nothing at all?
- No.
1089
01:21:36,708 --> 01:21:39,790
- Any sexual violence?
- No, certainly not.
1090
01:21:39,916 --> 01:21:42,540
Very well, we'll take your word for it.
1091
01:21:44,125 --> 01:21:47,874
So, tell me, how do you feel
about losing Maddy?
1092
01:21:48,000 --> 01:21:50,999
Heartbroken. It was a big shock.
1093
01:21:51,125 --> 01:21:54,790
And I've had these dreams,
these awful depressing dreams.
1094
01:21:54,916 --> 01:21:57,540
- Dreams?
- Yes, but now I see it's all for the best.
1095
01:21:58,208 --> 01:22:00,249
I've already explained this to Hilary.
I think...
1096
01:22:00,375 --> 01:22:02,707
I think that we've all got
to change at certain times.
1097
01:22:02,833 --> 01:22:05,249
But if your life is like...
like an apple cake,
1098
01:22:05,375 --> 01:22:08,207
when it should be like a Kunzle cake,
I think you're in trouble.
1099
01:22:08,333 --> 01:22:10,124
I think you've got
to find the right flavour.
1100
01:22:10,250 --> 01:22:12,082
Now, Maddy and I,
we were like a chocolate mousse.
1101
01:22:12,208 --> 01:22:15,832
We were really terrific chocolate mousse,
but you can't live on chocolate mousse.
1102
01:22:15,958 --> 01:22:17,499
No, you need other things.
1103
01:22:19,625 --> 01:22:21,665
So, I... I do miss her, though.
1104
01:22:22,666 --> 01:22:24,707
She was wonderful.
1105
01:22:26,083 --> 01:22:29,207
We were some chocolate mousse.
1106
01:22:33,125 --> 01:22:35,624
I wonder if you've ever done
any sailing, Mr Bird.
1107
01:22:36,541 --> 01:22:38,124
No.
1108
01:22:39,416 --> 01:22:43,624
I have a little illustration
that might be of some comfort.
1109
01:22:43,750 --> 01:22:46,082
It goes back to my days in the Navy.
1110
01:22:46,208 --> 01:22:49,582
They used to move us medicos
around a great deal, ship to ship,
1111
01:22:49,708 --> 01:22:53,540
and they had this contraption
called a breeches buoy...
1112
01:22:53,666 --> 01:22:54,915
Mm-hm.
1113
01:22:55,041 --> 01:22:57,915
...and sometimes you could find
yourself out there on the ocean...
1114
01:22:58,041 --> 01:22:59,415
ALAN: Hanging on a piece of rope.
1115
01:22:59,541 --> 01:23:01,874
There's nothing else around you
but the angry waters
1116
01:23:02,000 --> 01:23:05,332
and you're stuck between here and there.
Oh, yes, I know, I know. You're right.
1117
01:23:05,458 --> 01:23:07,915
How did you know that? That's my story.
1118
01:23:09,000 --> 01:23:10,499
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's my story.
1119
01:23:10,625 --> 01:23:13,124
It really happened to me.
Where did you hear it?
1120
01:23:13,250 --> 01:23:15,415
Oh, I don't remember.
Maybe I read it in a book.
1121
01:23:15,541 --> 01:23:17,415
No, you didn't.
I haven't written the book yet.
1122
01:23:17,541 --> 01:23:20,290
- I'm sorry.
- This is very upsetting.
1123
01:23:20,416 --> 01:23:23,457
It really happened, you know.
It really happened.
1124
01:23:24,500 --> 01:23:26,957
I've got to warn the bunnies tonight.
1125
01:23:27,083 --> 01:23:29,790
I think the McCools could be onto them.
1126
01:23:31,166 --> 01:23:34,040
Listen. What about Maddy?
1127
01:23:35,083 --> 01:23:37,582
It's only been four days now.
1128
01:23:37,708 --> 01:23:40,124
I think you should take a little bit longer
than that to get over her,
1129
01:23:40,250 --> 01:23:42,374
after all she meant to you.
1130
01:23:42,500 --> 01:23:44,415
I don't think you're being fair.
1131
01:23:45,958 --> 01:23:49,749
Don't worry. I'm still miserable.
I'll be miserable for ages, I know.
1132
01:23:49,875 --> 01:23:54,249
But I can see the way forward now,
the ship on the horizon.
1133
01:23:54,375 --> 01:23:57,457
("HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING" PLAYS)
1134
01:23:58,750 --> 01:24:01,832
- Hello, Miss Wilson.
- Hello, Doctor.
1135
01:24:01,958 --> 01:24:05,665
- How are you?
- Fine, Doctor. Just a bit stiff.
1136
01:24:06,833 --> 01:24:09,207
Well, I'll tell Sister you can have
a real bath today, then.
1137
01:24:09,333 --> 01:24:11,207
Oh, thank you.
1138
01:24:11,333 --> 01:24:14,999
I've brought someone to meet you.
It's Dicky Bird from the radio.
1139
01:24:15,125 --> 01:24:17,165
- Oh...!
- A friend of mine.
1140
01:24:17,291 --> 01:24:20,415
Very pleased to meet you, Dicky.
This is a real treat.
1141
01:24:20,541 --> 01:24:22,957
I listen to you every morning here.
1142
01:24:23,083 --> 01:24:27,499
I'm always awake first, and they don't
bring breakfast till half past seven.
1143
01:24:27,625 --> 01:24:29,124
Well, thank you very much.
1144
01:24:29,250 --> 01:24:32,415
I wish you did Saturday and Sunday too.
1145
01:24:32,541 --> 01:24:34,874
They've got
that other noisy clown on then.
1146
01:24:35,000 --> 01:24:38,415
- Oh, aye, Rufus.
- I don't like him.
1147
01:24:38,541 --> 01:24:41,415
I don't like him much either.
1148
01:24:41,541 --> 01:24:43,624
We'll have to go just now.
1149
01:24:43,750 --> 01:24:46,415
Bye, Doctor. Cheerio, Dicky.
1150
01:24:46,541 --> 01:24:49,540
You make an old lady smile every morning.
1151
01:24:50,458 --> 01:24:52,040
Cheery-bye.
1152
01:24:52,958 --> 01:24:55,374
- How long has she been in for?
- A couple of months.
1153
01:24:55,500 --> 01:24:57,707
Oh, Jesus.
1154
01:24:57,833 --> 01:25:00,832
No, she's OK. She's got you.
1155
01:25:00,958 --> 01:25:03,082
(BLEEPER SOUNDS)
1156
01:25:04,125 --> 01:25:07,040
Well, anyway, you've obviously got
a great deal to do
1157
01:25:07,166 --> 01:25:09,790
and you shouldn't really be here
unless you're sick.
1158
01:25:09,916 --> 01:25:13,082
- You're not sick, are you?
- Oh, no.
1159
01:25:13,208 --> 01:25:15,082
Well, not really.
1160
01:25:15,208 --> 01:25:17,665
Ah, well, I'll be seeing you, Colin.
1161
01:25:17,791 --> 01:25:20,499
- COLIN: Keep on taking the alcohol.
- Check.
1162
01:25:20,625 --> 01:25:22,749
(BLEEPER SOUNDS)
1163
01:25:37,125 --> 01:25:39,374
(ICE-CREAM JINGLE PLAYS)
1164
01:25:43,041 --> 01:25:45,540
MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!'
1165
01:25:45,666 --> 01:25:48,290
Trevor. I'm glad you're here.
1166
01:25:48,416 --> 01:25:50,124
- Did you get my message?
- What was that?
1167
01:25:50,250 --> 01:25:53,665
McCool got ahold of your ice cream.
He reckons that he can track you down.
1168
01:25:53,791 --> 01:25:57,832
(LAUGHS) I don't think he'll get too far.
You see, it's his own recipe.
1169
01:25:57,958 --> 01:26:00,249
- 'Hello, folks!'
- McCool's my father.
1170
01:26:01,250 --> 01:26:06,249
I don't get it. What are you playing at?
You're all crackers.
1171
01:26:06,375 --> 01:26:08,290
Nothing like a family feud,
Dicky, is there?
1172
01:26:08,416 --> 01:26:11,040
Crazy people. You're all crazy people!
1173
01:26:11,833 --> 01:26:13,290
(DOORS BANG)
1174
01:26:24,291 --> 01:26:27,040
You brought them here. You bastard.
1175
01:26:27,166 --> 01:26:30,124
You're a dead man, Dicky Bird.
You are a dead man!
1176
01:26:30,250 --> 01:26:32,290
(THEY HOWL)
1177
01:26:54,791 --> 01:26:56,082
Come on!
1178
01:26:56,208 --> 01:26:58,374
Cheerio, folks!
1179
01:27:23,166 --> 01:27:25,874
(SHOUTING IN ITALIAN)
1180
01:27:58,125 --> 01:27:59,707
(SHOUTING)
1181
01:27:59,833 --> 01:28:01,790
Bastard! Bastard!
1182
01:28:03,750 --> 01:28:06,874
You bastard!
1183
01:28:07,000 --> 01:28:09,040
Gonna have you!
1184
01:28:11,708 --> 01:28:13,707
I'll have you, you bastard!
1185
01:28:15,875 --> 01:28:17,957
(SHOUTING)
1186
01:28:22,583 --> 01:28:24,707
Andiamo!
1187
01:28:36,458 --> 01:28:38,665
ALAN: They used me. They all used me.
1188
01:28:38,791 --> 01:28:41,915
They could've picked up the telephone
if they'd wanted to talk to each other.
1189
01:28:42,041 --> 01:28:45,082
And the girl, all along, it turns out
that she's McCool's daughter.
1190
01:28:45,208 --> 01:28:48,332
- Do you want some eggs, Alan?
- Eh? No, thanks, Colin. No, thanks.
1191
01:28:50,916 --> 01:28:52,915
All the best fights
happen inside families.
1192
01:28:53,041 --> 01:28:55,915
Yeah, that's what Trevor said,
shortly before he demolished my car.
1193
01:28:56,041 --> 01:28:58,249
I just don't see any hope for the world.
1194
01:28:58,375 --> 01:29:02,040
If people want to damage each other
over ice cream, we're doomed.
1195
01:29:02,166 --> 01:29:05,415
I don't know.
I think ice cream's quite important.
1196
01:29:05,541 --> 01:29:07,457
- Isn't it, girls?
- LILLY: Yes.
1197
01:29:08,500 --> 01:29:10,707
COLIN: Did you, er...
pay the milk this morning?
1198
01:29:10,833 --> 01:29:13,832
- No, you paid him two weeks last week.
- I wasn't here last week, love.
1199
01:29:14,833 --> 01:29:16,874
Oh, Colin, you said you were going to.
1200
01:29:17,000 --> 01:29:18,915
COLIN: I told you.
1201
01:29:19,041 --> 01:29:22,124
FIONA: Look, I hadn't got any cash
to pay him this morning.
1202
01:29:22,250 --> 01:29:24,874
Are you remembering that Lilly's
got to be at her party at two o'clock?
1203
01:29:25,000 --> 01:29:27,957
- FIONA: Can you take her?
- COLIN: Well, if I'm back, love, OK?
1204
01:29:30,416 --> 01:29:33,415
- She's got two brothers, this girl?
- Yes, yeah.
1205
01:29:33,541 --> 01:29:35,874
Well, that explains her rebellion, anyway.
1206
01:29:36,000 --> 01:29:38,374
Well, that's what got McCool really angry,
1207
01:29:38,500 --> 01:29:40,707
his daughter mixed up
with a fish-and-chip family.
1208
01:29:40,833 --> 01:29:42,082
He's mortified.
1209
01:29:42,208 --> 01:29:45,040
- Ice cream and chips.
- Oh, aye.
1210
01:29:45,166 --> 01:29:47,540
Eh? Oh, no, no.
1211
01:29:49,375 --> 01:29:51,665
No, it couldn't work.
1212
01:29:51,791 --> 01:29:54,874
You said you'd get me
a request today, Dicky.
1213
01:29:55,000 --> 01:29:59,040
Oh, goodness, so I did, Lilly.
I'm sorry. Don't worry. I'll fix it.
1214
01:29:59,166 --> 01:30:01,249
I'll go into the station
right after I've had my breakfast,
1215
01:30:01,375 --> 01:30:04,207
and, Rufus, he'll let me on
for a minute or two.
1216
01:30:04,333 --> 01:30:05,999
You watch out for the ice-cream men, OK?
1217
01:30:06,125 --> 01:30:09,290
Aye, but I've got to
do something about them.
1218
01:30:09,416 --> 01:30:12,040
They're all so angry,
they can't think straight.
1219
01:30:12,166 --> 01:30:14,415
Let me into the studio,
Rufus, just for one minute,
1220
01:30:14,541 --> 01:30:17,749
to say hello to a kiddie and an old lady
that's in hospital, that's all.
1221
01:30:17,875 --> 01:30:20,124
I'm sorry, Alan.
I'd have to clear it with Hilary first.
1222
01:30:20,250 --> 01:30:23,082
I don't know what happened between
you two yesterday. I'd have to clear it.
1223
01:30:23,208 --> 01:30:24,374
You're a shit, Rufus.
1224
01:30:24,500 --> 01:30:26,374
I let you onto my show
on Mother's Day, do you remember?
1225
01:30:26,500 --> 01:30:28,415
Just because you hadn't
phoned her for three weeks.
1226
01:30:28,541 --> 01:30:31,040
Just give me the names
and I'll take care of it, OK?
1227
01:30:31,166 --> 01:30:32,207
OK. Right, thank you.
1228
01:30:32,333 --> 01:30:36,290
Well, this is to Andrew from Lilly,
but don't mention her name.
1229
01:30:36,416 --> 01:30:39,582
And to a Miss Wilson
in the Western Infirmary.
1230
01:30:39,708 --> 01:30:42,374
Just lots of love from me, OK? Thanks.
1231
01:30:42,500 --> 01:30:45,207
- Which ward?
- Oh, I don't know which ward.
1232
01:30:45,333 --> 01:30:48,249
I'll play them something nice, Alan.
No sweat, no sweat.
1233
01:30:48,375 --> 01:30:50,124
No heavy metal, please.
1234
01:30:50,250 --> 01:30:51,707
RUFUS: Well, after all that exercise,
1235
01:30:51,833 --> 01:30:54,624
let's all sit down and think
about a nice fattening pudding.
1236
01:30:54,750 --> 01:30:56,832
And here's Katie Pollock
with today's recipe.
1237
01:30:56,958 --> 01:31:00,165
It sounds delicious. Banana fritters.
1238
01:31:00,291 --> 01:31:01,457
KATIE: 'Hello, everyone.
1239
01:31:01,583 --> 01:31:05,749
'The Chinese are the acknowledged
masters in the art of fritter-making.
1240
01:31:05,875 --> 01:31:08,707
'Everything from the humble
apple and pineapple fritters
1241
01:31:08,833 --> 01:31:13,332
'to the rare and exotic
and difficult ice-cream fritter.
1242
01:31:13,458 --> 01:31:16,457
'But today we'll concentrate
on the easy-to-make banana fritter,
1243
01:31:16,583 --> 01:31:18,332
'a very delicious hot sweet
1244
01:31:18,458 --> 01:31:21,457
'that'll make a change
from leftover Christmas pudding.'
1245
01:31:21,583 --> 01:31:24,957
- She said ice-cream fritters.
- Sorry, Alan?
1246
01:31:25,083 --> 01:31:27,124
Katie Pollock.
She said ice-cream fritters.
1247
01:31:27,250 --> 01:31:29,457
Yeah, that's right, like baked Alaska.
1248
01:31:29,583 --> 01:31:32,457
- How do you make them?
- Ask Katie Pollock.
1249
01:31:32,583 --> 01:31:35,540
Er... but-but, I mean, well,
is she... is she a real person?
1250
01:31:35,666 --> 01:31:38,665
I don't know if she's a real person,
but she's Hilary Sandeman's wife.
1251
01:31:38,791 --> 01:31:42,040
KATIE: '...baking the banana before
frittering, but I don't hold with that.
1252
01:31:42,166 --> 01:31:43,832
'I think it's worth the extra effort...'
1253
01:31:43,958 --> 01:31:45,415
Yeah, Hilary, much better.
Yeah, I feel fine.
1254
01:31:45,541 --> 01:31:47,749
Yeah, I think everything's
going to work out fine. Yeah.
1255
01:31:47,875 --> 01:31:50,749
Oh, yeah, yeah,
the angry scenes are subsiding. Yeah.
1256
01:31:50,875 --> 01:31:52,415
No, I really phoned
about something else, Hilary. Yes.
1257
01:31:52,541 --> 01:31:54,624
I wanted to speak to Heather.
1258
01:31:54,750 --> 01:31:57,665
Do you know, I never realised
that she was Katie Pollock?
1259
01:31:57,791 --> 01:32:01,124
Well, I wanted to ask her for a recipe.
1260
01:32:01,250 --> 01:32:03,415
Mm, just a recipe. Mm-hm.
1261
01:32:03,541 --> 01:32:06,707
Eh? No, no, I'm fine, honestly.
I'm fine, I'm cool. Everything's cool.
1262
01:32:06,833 --> 01:32:10,249
Yeah, good shape, good shape.
But I do need a recipe from Katie.
1263
01:32:10,375 --> 01:32:12,915
I mean Heather, and it's quite urgent.
1264
01:32:14,250 --> 01:32:16,540
Look, I swear to you, Hilary,
I'm on top of the world.
1265
01:32:16,666 --> 01:32:20,790
Yes, but, er...
it's a specific recipe. Ah...!
1266
01:32:58,541 --> 01:33:02,082
- Trevor wants to see you.
- Oh, no, pal. No, you've got it wrong.
1267
01:33:02,208 --> 01:33:04,707
No, I want to see Trevor.
1268
01:33:04,833 --> 01:33:07,499
Oh, and, er... just one other thing.
1269
01:33:11,458 --> 01:33:16,582
From now on, if anybody hits this car,
it'll be me and nobody else. Get in.
1270
01:33:38,958 --> 01:33:40,832
(TYRES SCREECH)
1271
01:33:55,333 --> 01:33:59,332
So, it's gone about
as far as it can go, eh?
1272
01:33:59,458 --> 01:34:01,040
Yeah.
1273
01:34:01,166 --> 01:34:05,415
What does honour demand now? Hara-kiri?
1274
01:34:05,541 --> 01:34:09,832
Listen, I just wanted to tell you, I don't
blame you for anything that's happened.
1275
01:34:09,958 --> 01:34:12,415
(LAUGHS) Thank you!
1276
01:34:13,750 --> 01:34:16,082
Now, you and I are going to see Mr McCool.
1277
01:34:16,208 --> 01:34:19,624
I've got something to say
to both of you. Fix it.
1278
01:34:19,750 --> 01:34:22,040
- How?
- Phone the bastard.
1279
01:34:22,166 --> 01:34:24,249
Or would you rather send a war party?
1280
01:34:24,375 --> 01:34:26,374
Er... what do I say?
1281
01:34:26,500 --> 01:34:30,457
Just tell him that I want to talk to him,
that's all. He'll turn up.
1282
01:34:37,458 --> 01:34:38,957
(CLANKS)
1283
01:34:39,083 --> 01:34:41,874
- (JINGLE PLAYS)
- MR BUNNY: 'Hello, folks!'
1284
01:34:48,791 --> 01:34:52,040
He's a weird old bugger,
picking a place like this.
1285
01:34:53,125 --> 01:34:55,415
What did he say on the telephone?
1286
01:34:55,541 --> 01:34:57,165
He said they do
a nice lemon-meringue pie here.
1287
01:34:57,291 --> 01:34:59,707
(ALAN LAUGHS)
1288
01:35:01,041 --> 01:35:03,957
- What's the joke?
- (LAUGHING)
1289
01:35:08,875 --> 01:35:11,374
ALAN: Oh, dear.
1290
01:35:11,500 --> 01:35:14,499
(LAUGHS)
1291
01:35:15,666 --> 01:35:18,540
Oh, dear. (LAUGHS)
1292
01:35:28,791 --> 01:35:31,415
- Hello, Trevor.
- Hello, Uncle Luigi.
1293
01:35:31,541 --> 01:35:33,915
- How's your mother?
- She's very well, thanks.
1294
01:35:34,041 --> 01:35:36,457
Good, good. Have a sweetie.
1295
01:35:45,750 --> 01:35:47,915
Can we get down to business,
Mr Bird, please?
1296
01:35:50,375 --> 01:35:53,915
- You're Trevor's uncle?
- That's right.
1297
01:35:54,041 --> 01:35:56,665
All the best families fight.
You know that, Mr Bird.
1298
01:35:56,791 --> 01:35:58,665
ALAN: Yes, I've heard
that one a lot this week.
1299
01:35:58,791 --> 01:36:02,707
Only, I'm not family,
and neither is my car,
1300
01:36:02,833 --> 01:36:07,374
and neither are any of all those
freedom-loving independent operators
1301
01:36:07,500 --> 01:36:10,540
that you care about so deeply, Trevor.
1302
01:36:10,666 --> 01:36:13,665
Now, I'm gonna give you a chance
to make it up,
1303
01:36:13,791 --> 01:36:17,624
to me, to all those people
that you've duped into believing in you,
1304
01:36:17,750 --> 01:36:19,290
and to yourselves.
1305
01:36:19,416 --> 01:36:24,999
You're going to work together on this,
a joint venture.
1306
01:36:25,125 --> 01:36:26,582
What is it?
1307
01:36:27,791 --> 01:36:29,999
Ice-cream fritters.
1308
01:36:33,291 --> 01:36:35,249
(THEY LAUGH)
1309
01:36:44,416 --> 01:36:46,832
Alan, you must be mad. Matto!
1310
01:36:46,958 --> 01:36:50,790
You can't afford to laugh.
You're going to annihilate one another.
1311
01:36:50,916 --> 01:36:52,832
Now, this way, you pool your resources.
1312
01:36:52,958 --> 01:36:56,207
Your ice cream.
Your deep-fry shops. Your trucks.
1313
01:36:56,333 --> 01:37:00,957
You share a new product.
600 million Chinese can't be wrong.
1314
01:37:01,083 --> 01:37:03,332
- (LAUGHS)
- 600 million Chinese!
1315
01:37:08,791 --> 01:37:11,540
Here's the secret bit.
1316
01:37:19,541 --> 01:37:21,707
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
1317
01:37:26,458 --> 01:37:28,707
And we create...
1318
01:37:29,791 --> 01:37:32,207
a commodity...
1319
01:37:33,541 --> 01:37:38,207
which we sell
at extreme profit to ourselves.
1320
01:37:38,333 --> 01:37:40,290
Perfect, eh?
1321
01:38:25,166 --> 01:38:28,707
Oh! Hot, and, er... and then it's cold.
1322
01:38:28,833 --> 01:38:32,415
It's... it's interesting.
It's very, very interesting.
1323
01:38:32,541 --> 01:38:34,915
It's bitter. It's sweet.
1324
01:38:36,125 --> 01:38:38,707
Syrup. It needs syrup.
1325
01:38:38,833 --> 01:38:41,832
But the syrup will be extra, on the side.
1326
01:38:41,958 --> 01:38:44,165
Five, even ten pence a portion.
1327
01:38:44,291 --> 01:38:47,624
I know, 30, 40 pence a fritter.
More maybe.
1328
01:38:47,750 --> 01:38:52,624
More, definitely more.
It's a luxury item. It needs a royal name.
1329
01:38:52,750 --> 01:38:56,290
- King Fritter.
- That's too obvious.
1330
01:38:56,416 --> 01:38:58,707
TREVOR: Right, we've got to precook,
freeze-pack,
1331
01:38:58,833 --> 01:39:01,790
- and microwave at point of sale.
- Yeah.
1332
01:39:01,916 --> 01:39:05,290
Hot ice cream, year-round sales,
1333
01:39:05,416 --> 01:39:08,374
summer and winter - it's a miracle.
1334
01:39:08,500 --> 01:39:10,290
It's a miracle!
1335
01:39:10,416 --> 01:39:13,707
Hey, hey, hey... Slow down. You haven't
said if you liked it yet. Do you like it?
1336
01:39:13,833 --> 01:39:15,790
- It's a winner, Dicky.
- Well done, Dicky.
1337
01:39:15,916 --> 01:39:19,332
McCOOL: 50-50 on the whole thing,
Trevor. Manufacture and sales.
1338
01:39:19,458 --> 01:39:21,040
BRUNO: Paolo and I can handle the syrups.
1339
01:39:21,166 --> 01:39:23,540
- Yeah.
- Maybe five or six flavours.
1340
01:39:23,666 --> 01:39:25,915
Flavours! Good boy, Bruno, good boy.
You've got the syrups.
1341
01:39:26,041 --> 01:39:27,874
ALAN: Slow down, slow down, slow down.
1342
01:39:28,000 --> 01:39:30,957
Look, if you're talking business,
you ought to be talking to me.
1343
01:39:31,083 --> 01:39:34,624
Don't you worry, Dicky.
We need a big campaign behind this one.
1344
01:39:34,750 --> 01:39:37,540
We are revolutionising the market.
You can do the voiceovers.
1345
01:39:37,666 --> 01:39:39,040
No, no, you boys can run the show.
That's fine.
1346
01:39:39,166 --> 01:39:41,707
But, er... I'm in for, er... what?
1347
01:39:41,833 --> 01:39:45,207
Er... 30 per cent off the top, hm?
1348
01:39:45,333 --> 01:39:46,957
Yeah, you could call that a consideration
1349
01:39:47,083 --> 01:39:49,540
for having thought up the whole
damned idea in the first place.
1350
01:39:49,666 --> 01:39:53,082
And just in case you get any fancy ideas,
1351
01:39:53,208 --> 01:39:55,707
you won't find this in any cookery book.
1352
01:39:55,833 --> 01:39:58,082
This is the batter adhesive agent.
1353
01:39:58,208 --> 01:40:00,665
Without this, you get
a sticky, gooey mess.
1354
01:40:00,791 --> 01:40:04,665
The Chinese don't tell
everybody about this one.
1355
01:40:04,791 --> 01:40:08,749
So, why don't we just visit a lawyer
first thing Monday morning
1356
01:40:08,875 --> 01:40:11,915
and make this wonderful friendship legal?
1357
01:40:12,041 --> 01:40:17,582
Oh, er... and just one other further
item of mutual company expenditure.
1358
01:40:17,708 --> 01:40:21,207
My car gets a new roof. OK?
1359
01:40:21,333 --> 01:40:23,374
Yeah, sure, Dicky.
1360
01:40:23,500 --> 01:40:25,832
OK, Dicky. Va bene.
1361
01:40:25,958 --> 01:40:29,707
- (SPEAKING ITALIAN)
- No, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
1362
01:40:29,833 --> 01:40:32,165
We need something short and sweet,
right? Bunnyfrits.
1363
01:40:32,291 --> 01:40:33,915
No, McCool Bunny Fritters.
1364
01:40:35,541 --> 01:40:38,624
Well, it's four o'clock on this lovely
peaceful Christmas afternoon,
1365
01:40:38,750 --> 01:40:42,790
and this is Dicky Bird here,
being a very happy Christmas worm.
1366
01:40:42,916 --> 01:40:45,749
You know, I got really sentimental
after the morning show today
1367
01:40:45,875 --> 01:40:48,957
and I thought about poor old
Steve Kelly having to come in here,
1368
01:40:49,083 --> 01:40:52,665
spend the afternoon away
from his lovely wife and happy kids,
1369
01:40:52,791 --> 01:40:56,540
so bachelor boy Dicky volunteered
and here I am.
1370
01:40:56,666 --> 01:40:59,332
You know, I must be crackers.
Matto. Crazy.
1371
01:40:59,458 --> 01:41:03,415
But to tell you the truth, we are having
a pretty good time in Metrosound today.
1372
01:41:03,541 --> 01:41:05,207
There's definitely a party atmosphere.
1373
01:41:05,333 --> 01:41:08,957
We've got the food, we've got
the goodies, and the odd drink or two,
1374
01:41:09,083 --> 01:41:10,957
so don't you feel too sorry for us.
1375
01:41:11,083 --> 01:41:15,540
And anyway, Hilary Sandeman has
promised all us Christmas workers
1376
01:41:15,666 --> 01:41:18,290
an extra four weeks' holiday
in the Caribbean
1377
01:41:18,416 --> 01:41:21,582
as a means of compensation,
so that can't be at all bad.
1378
01:41:21,708 --> 01:41:24,249
What an awfully nice boss Hilary is!
1379
01:41:24,375 --> 01:41:27,457
So, I hope that you'll stay with us
and let us join your party
1380
01:41:27,583 --> 01:41:31,957
or, if you haven't got a party of your own,
you come and join ours.
1381
01:41:32,083 --> 01:41:39,124
So, cheers, everybody, in this great, big,
weird and wonderful city of ours,
1382
01:41:39,250 --> 01:41:42,999
and, listen, folks, I'm not gonna tell you
what the time is today,
1383
01:41:43,125 --> 01:41:45,624
or tell you what the traffic is doing,
1384
01:41:45,750 --> 01:41:47,707
or tell you what's happening
with the weather.
1385
01:41:47,833 --> 01:41:50,290
Oh, no, we're gonna have
a day away from all that.
1386
01:41:50,416 --> 01:41:54,915
I'm just gonna sit back, play you some
very nice music, talk my head off,
1387
01:41:55,041 --> 01:41:58,665
and tell you some of the worst jokes
that you're ever likely to repeat.
1388
01:41:58,791 --> 01:42:01,165
So, in the meantime,
here's a little bit of music,
1389
01:42:01,291 --> 01:42:03,874
while I tuck into my Christmas pud.
1390
01:42:05,416 --> 01:42:07,207
Mm-mm.
1391
01:42:07,333 --> 01:42:11,332
Merry Christmas, everybody.
God bless us, everyone.
1392
01:42:11,458 --> 01:42:13,665
(MUSIC PLAYS)
1393
01:43:02,000 --> 01:43:03,374
ALAN: 'Hello, folks, this is Dicky Bird
1394
01:43:03,500 --> 01:43:06,415
'and I'm here to tell you that winter
will never be the same again.
1395
01:43:06,541 --> 01:43:10,874
'From this Monday, exclusively from
all Mr McCool and Mr Bunny outlets,
1396
01:43:11,000 --> 01:43:15,624
'you'll be able to enjoy
the new taste sensation, Frostihots,
1397
01:43:15,750 --> 01:43:18,707
'a smooth and creamy ice cream
wrapped in delicious hot batter
1398
01:43:18,833 --> 01:43:21,040
'and smothered
in your favourite fruity syrup.
1399
01:43:21,166 --> 01:43:24,332
'Wow! And guess what? I invented it.
1400
01:43:24,458 --> 01:43:27,665
'Yes, I tell you that once
my Frostihots reach the Eskimos,
1401
01:43:27,791 --> 01:43:28,874
'they won't need igloos any more.
1402
01:43:29,000 --> 01:43:31,790
'But right now, Frostihots are for you.
1403
01:43:31,916 --> 01:43:33,874
'So, stop a Bunny or McCool van.
1404
01:43:34,000 --> 01:43:37,040
'Ice cream will never be the same again.'
1405
01:43:38,125 --> 01:43:39,415
EDITOR:
'Sorry, Alan. We'd like to go again.'
1406
01:43:39,541 --> 01:43:41,665
ALAN: 'Oh, shit.'
113619
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