Original subtitles

Hi, I'm John Episode,

and here's an Oliver of last clips Next Week Tonight

with Jim Oliphant.

Sorry, can we do that again?

We can't! We seriously can't?

Oka-- Here's a clip. Wow!

Now we've talked before about Turkish president Recep Erdogan,

the mustachioed strongman,

who once got hoof-punched in the dick by a horse.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) -But...

but he's been attempting to consolidate his power for years

and last Sunday, he took his boldest step yet.

President Erdogan declared victory yesterday

in a referendum that gives him sweeping new powers.

His critics say this is a step towards dictatorship.

Oh, that's great!

I guess I can now add

Turkey to my list of things to worry about.

Along with America, the French election

and whether John Cena is having a happy 40th birthday today.

And how the fuck John Cena and I are the exact same age.

-Oh, my God! -(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

That is heartbreaking.

NARRATOR: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.

Sundays at 11. Unless I have something better to do.

So, Sundays at 11.

(theme music playing)

♪ Animals ♪

♪ Animals ♪

Previously on Animals:

Phil: Hey, Johnny?

I can't wait to grows up and be just like you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, listen, kid.

We're different, okay?

Your destiny is something much bigger.

That's what Pop wanted, that's what Mom wanted.

We in big fuckin' trouble, Johnny!

Johnny: Alabaster, what the fuck are you doing in Little Italy?

You stay in your fuckin' hood, all right?

I was hoping you'd say that.

Oh! Johnny, no, no!

Remember my face.

Big Pussy: We need to retaliate. Tonight! (gasps)

Oh my God! Someone killed Chuckles.

I killed Chuckles.

If Alabaster's crew is expanding their territories,

then we need to do it too, all right?

Yeah, that makes sense, Philly. It's time for Johnny's crew to grow up.

Oh thank you for your time, Phil.

You've grown up into such a fine, young feline.

Two Bridges is Alabaster's territory, all right?

Are they gonna fall for the Two Bridges trap?

I believe so, I think... (chuckles) hook, line and sinker.

I want to do the hit on Phil, 'cause, uh,

he killed my brother Chuckles and I wanna do the hit on him.

You'll get your blood in due time.

In doo-doo time.

♪ ♪

♪ Brother ♪

(beeps)

♪ Selfish Molly has a way ♪

(beeping)

♪ Of makin' ♪

♪ Any plans for her day ♪

♪ 'Cause she only knows ♪

♪ How to love all alone ♪

♪ It hurts ♪

♪ In my bones ♪

♪ And I swear ♪

♪ I swear, I swear ♪

♪ You better stick with me ♪

(elevator dings) (electricity crackles)

♪ ♪

(loud rock music playing)

Yeah!

Give me some of that shit.

(sniffs)

Oh, yeah!

I'm fuckin' high!

It's powdered sugar!

Hey, Philly? Hey, what's up, Mikey?

Sorry, I hate to be a bother.

You mind just turning the radio down just a little bit.

Oh, Mikey, you got it. (sniffs)

Mikey, for you! Oh, thank you so much!

All right, go back to bed. I really appreciate it.

All righty, good night, have fun, okay? Yeah, you go back to bed.

Watch this.

Watch this. (snickering)

(music volume increases)

Hey, Philly.

How's it going, man? Yeah, Mikey. What can I do for you, sir?

It actually sounded like the radio got louder.

Uh, no. I don't think it did, Mikey.

You know what, you're gettin' old.

I think it's your ear, probably.

I'm sorry, if you could just-- one more time.

One more time? Turn it down a little bit that would be really great.

All right. Thank you. Thank you, guys.

Go back to bed! All right.

Grandpa's got to go to sleep, yeah.

I do appreciate it. Yeah, yeah.

(door closes) One more time?

What do you think, one more time?

All right, all right. (snickers)

(volume increases)

Hey, Philly, quit fuckin' with me! Come on!

Jesus Christ, he's fuckin' with me.

He's singling me out to fuck with me.

Ah, that resentful motherfook-ay a-mozzerel!

(exhales) Just take a breath.

It's like the counselor said, "Anger leads nowhere."

Ah.

Philly.

Like what you've done with the place.

Remember this used to be my room, Mikey?

Heh. I can-- I remember I was in here

the night Johnny died.

And I was yelling out to him. You remember the last thing I said to him?

My brother, Johnny, remember the last thing I said to him?

I said, "I hate you, Johnny.

I hate you." Philly, you were a kid.

Johnny knew you didn't mean it.

Yeah. No, I know.

(sniffs) Hey, Mikey, you, uh,

are you going somewhere?

Oh, ha, that thing, nah.

One of those, you know, nut jobs down the street were handing 'em out.

Get some sleep.

Oh, and Mikey?

Don't ever raise your voice to me again in front of the crew. Ever.

(rock music blaring)

(door slams)

Hey, Philly, come have a drink, huh?

I think I'm gonna hit the hay. Come on!

You guys have fun though. Stay out of trouble.

(clears throat) Excuse me, God bless you. Have a good night.

Good night, boss.

Hon? Hon, are you home?

Phil, is that you?

There's my perfect wife.

Can I have a kiss?

How are you, baby?

What are you doing, a Sudoku?

Oh, gosh, I've missed you.

Oh, Theresa, you're so innocent.

Let me just say something right off the bat.

I'm sorry I haven't made time for you.

Come on! I really am.

No, I totally get it. You gotta run the gang.

Mm-hmm. You deal with several antagonists.

They keep comin' out of nowhere!

And-- and a fraying relationship with Mike.

And not to mention carry on your dead brother's legacy.

Johnny, rest in peace. Those are big shoes to fill, Phil.

(chuckles) I love name jokes.

Theresa, you are the love of my life.

And that's the other thing! There is no conflict between us.

That's true. It's like a roller coaster that keeps going up and never has a dip.

We're financially stable. Mutual bank account.

We're faithful to each other.

Hey, by the way, the guys, they really appreciated the strippers.

That was a good idea. The strippers worked out!

They worked out great. Boosted morale.

They need that, you know, it's Christmas time. You're the best husband ever.

Hey, baby? Mm-hmm?

Wanna have sex?

Oh. I'm a little...

bloated. Bloated, yeah, okay.

A massage might be nice. Hey, here you go!

(purring) Oh, oh.

I love you so much.

Oh, honey, what's that poking me?

Why don't you go ahead and turn around and take a look-see?

Hamilton tickets!

Alabaster: What you got up on the walls there?

Those are free calendars that come with Chinese food.

Free calendars, look at that.

Don't the Chinese have a way with calendars?

Calendars and fireworks. Calendars and fire-- I always said.

Calendars and fireworks. Calendars and fireworks.

The Chinese know how to do it.

And they're not shy about it!

Um, (clears throat), hey, boss.

Uh, something came up, I need to talk to you immediately.

(gasps) Is it Phil's crew?

Okay, let's get ready. I knew this was coming.

Come on! No, no, no, no.

The printer is out of ink.

The big one downstairs? The big one, yeah.

The big one that has a million buttons. Again?

Now, this is what stresses me out, you know.

(sighs) We are an evil crime syndicate,

and the thing that keeps me up at night is that people here

keep printing full color pages. Why?

I know. They'll stretch out these memes.

And it's just like a frog. Yeah.

It's got nothing to do with work. Yeah.

There's nothing funny about it, really, in essence.

Yeah, I hear that, I hear.

Yeah, I'm actually working on my one-man show,

and so, I actually have to canvas some fliers.

Gigglepuss: Take the Bait. My life.

Yes, the one-man show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've told us many times.

Right. Why don't you just give us a taste?

Get it out of your system.

Stage is black, totally black.

Boom. Spotlight.

Me in a diaper and a fishing pole. Right.

I start singing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

And then I point to the person in the first row to start the round-robin.

♪ Row, row, row-- ♪ And it's great,

it's a great opening, but no one shows up,

so it's just me singing the friggin' song.

And one of these days, we're gonna go see it, so--

If we had 16 shows-- Thank you very-- Okay, bye.

I'll just leave you a flier in here. Bye!

♪ With this I'm scraping by ♪

Excuse me.

You got any agave nectar?

Go fuck yourself. Ah, Big Puss.

I'm just tired of the crew life to be honest with ya.

It's just not the same since Phil took over.

Hey, Mikey, are you still, uh, thinkin' about gettin' out?

I don't know, I'm all mixed up.

And I checked out a couple shelters nearby, but who am I kiddin'?

No human would want me.

I'm old and my bum ear.

Hey, you're beautiful. No.

You are.

Thanks, Big P.

I'm hogging conversation.

How are things with you and Jeremy?

Good... I think.

I don't know, I-I-I just wish I knew what we were, you know?

Well, how many dates has it been?

Maybe ten? Ten dates and you guys aren't exclusive?

Is that bad? Well, it sounds to me like

you need to have a pretty serious conversation.

ASAP. I know, I know, I just--

I don't want to scare the guy away.

I mean, I really like what we have.

It's-- it's nice to have somebody around.

Yeah. And it's him, I love him.

Ah, shit.

I gotta go, uh, pick up something for dinner tonight.

Phil's orders. All right, hey, Big Puss?

Thanks for listening. You're a good friend.

No, you're a good friend. Aah.

And I'll see you later tonight, okay?

Definitely, right? Definitely, for sure. Come on, man.

I'll see ya later! I got it! I got it!

♪ Cronuts ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

♪ Where are you? ♪

Fuckin' better than Tony Bennett.

Where the fuck is the frickin' cronut place?

It was supposed to be right here.

Hey! Asshole! Oh! What the fuck was that?

(crew cackling) (yowling)

Real cute scooter!

Big Puss: Hey! Fatass. Where's Phil?

Fuck you, you bald motherfucker!

Outta my fucking way!

Wait a minute, I know you.

Yeah, that's right. I'm not Father Anthony anymore.

I'm Gigglepuss. (cackles)

No, I saw your ad for your one-man show.

Take the Bait? Yeah, it's a good title.

Oh, man, thank you. Thanks a lot, thank you.

I heard it's getting great reviews.

It's doing all right. I don't want to boast.

There is life outside of work, you know what I mean? Yep.

We gotta stay active, you know? You gotta!

I've been painting a lot, just some, you know, watercolors.

Oh, that's great. I actually had a gallery showing in SoHo last week.

Oh, is that right? You know that guy Terry Richardson?

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ah, that's amazing. He was there.

But guess who didn't show up. Your boss.

Fuckin' Phil. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Same with me.

You know how bosses are. They always got somethin' better to do.

Does this sound familiar? "Oh, I'd love to, I got a thing."

"A thing." What, are you seeing the movie The Thing?

(chuckling) What? Are you gonna play with your thing?

Stop jerking my thing around and come to my show, right? I love to chuckle.

Yeah. Chuckles. Chuckles. Nothing better than a good chuckle.

That's right, you killed my brother, Chuckles! Chuckle, chuckle.

Ah-ha! This is for my brother!

Ah! Ah, no!

They're slicin' me up like a piece of fuckin' mortadella, you motherfuckers.

Oh, boy, this really stinks!

Oh, no! That's it for Big Pussy, everybody.

That's a fuckin' wrap!

Wrap me up like a piece of fuckin' fish!

Fuck you, you cocksuckers. See ya later.

(cats yowling)

Announcer: Intermission.

But, uh, why not tack on an infomercial, baby?

Relive all your favorite Cats: Parts 1 and 2 moments with merchandise.

Who are you to talk to me like that, you frickin' gabagoo? Oh!

A Phil plush doll that comes

with its own line of powdered sugar.

Ooh! That's good. (cheers)

A Big Pussy doll that can, maybe,

do, like, wheelies and go off jumps and shit.

Get out of my way. I'm trying to do a wheelie here.

Where the fuck is the cronut place?

Announcer: Posters, pins, bedsheets,

and the Cats collection on DVD.

"DVD's are dead," you say, you little fucker?

Well, think of it like vinyl records.

They were dead, and now they're cool.

Plus DVD extras including a "Making Of" with the creators.

Can we please see our "pawents" now?

My fingers "huwt."

Announcer: So, buy now.

Buy, buy, don't think.

Thinking is for dorks.

You're not a dork, are you?

Call this fake number.

Buying is good! Mommy, I want!

Mommy, I want!

(death metal music playing)

(rapid beeping)

(grunts interrogatively)

Hmm...

Huh.

Whew!

(camera whirring)

♪ ♪

(gasps, whimpers)

♪ ♪

(stammers) (electricity crackles)

(shuddering)

(screams)

(screaming)

(static crackles)

♪ ♪

(violin music playing)

(lively chattering)

Hey! Hey, hey, glasses up, glasses up, all right?

I want to make a toast.

To Johnny, my brother, and a friend to us all.

He would have been so proud to see the crew that we've become, you know.

You know, back in Johnny's day it was just Little Italy.

But now we got Tribeca. We got Soho.

We got Nolita. (clears throat) Excuse me, excuse me, Phil?

I'd like to add something as well if that's all right.

Mikey, who is this guy? No idea.

I'm sorry, what's your name again?

T-Terrence. Yeah. Terrence.

Terrence. I think he's an intern? How-- how long?

We have interns? (Terrence clears throat)

As many of you know,

I--I had a rough year.

My feline leukemia morphed

into a full-blown lymphoma in February,

and after that... (sighs) the tumors.

Jesus Christ.

If it wasn't for your crowdfunding campaigns

and generous personal donations,

I wouldn't be here today.

No, no, I mean it.

It's been a long road.

But thanks to you all,

there's hope.

Okay, uh-- I have merchandise for sale.

Bracelets, "Make Terrence Healthy Again" hats,

Bandcamp page where you can download my debut album,

inspirational DVD.

All proceeds go to Terrence. Terrence is me.

Thank you. Everybody let's give it up for Terrence.

Give it up for Terrence, everybody. Give it up for Terrence.

Thank you, thank you, thanks.

Okay-- So, Phil, as you were saying.

As I was saying, it's a little hard to...

Honestly, a tough act to follow.

You know what, just go right back to the equally important thing

that you were starting with. Go ahead.

This dinner, this celebration,

the changing of times.

Johnny's Club is no more. Huh?

What the fuck does he mean? What does he mean? What's he talking about?

From now on, we're "Phil's Club!"

Take it off, Junior, take the thing off. Show 'em the sign!

Yeah! You like that? Cost a lot of money.

We're changing, all right?

Because tomorrow, we're officially moving to the coast.

We're taking Two Bridges!

Phil's Crew's gonna be the strongest crew New York City's ever seen.

(cheering)

(slurps) Phil, what are you talking about?

We said "no" on Two Bridges.

You said "no," Mikey. I said nothing, okay?

You know what, I got Big Pussy down there right now on a fuckin' recon mission.

Pickin' up some cronuts. We're gettin' dessert, boys. All right, dessert!

Wait. You sent Big Pussy? By himself?

Into fucking enemy territory?

Whoa, whoa, Big Pussy-- Are you kidding me?

Big Pussy's fucking tough, all right! He can fend for himself.

And I'm not afraid of any fucking crew, especially not Alabaster's crew.

Have you noticed he hasn't come back yet?

I'm fucking worried over here. Oh my God.

He's probably just out with one of his little boyfriends,

the fuckin' fanook. You know what I mean?

Fuck you! Hey!

The fuck did you just say to me?

I said, a fangoolah!

You're a fangoolah! Hey!

Fangool! You motherfuck!

Hey, you motherfuck! Yeah, your mother! You butter boy, betcha bum!

Fangool! No, you're the fangool!

Heeeeeey! Heeeeeey!

Sorry to bother you, boss.

What do you want, huh?

You got a package.

Ooh, what is this? Oh, you know what?

I ordered one of those Tempur-Pedic neck pillows.

I bet it's that.

(Alabaster's voice reading)

(tense music)

Aw.

(gags)

What is it, Philly? No, no, no, no, no.

Fuckin' oh! What's in the box?

Get it the fuck out of here, I can't fuckin' look at that. Let me see, let me see, hold on.

It's his head!

It's Big Pussy's head in a box! No!

They fuckin' Paltrow-ed him. They fuckin' got Big--

All right, all right, all right!

Everybody suit up, we're going to war, all right?

Junior, put out the word. Pier One in 30 minutes, let's go.

Let's go! This ain't a fuckin' drill, here we go!

Philly, hold on, come on.

Let's think this through, okay?

(snorting)

We got to leave Two Bridges, all right? We don't need it.

I'm sorry, Mikey, did you not just see Big Pussy's head in a fucking box?

Hey, I've known Big Pussy since I was born.

Never in a million years, did I think I'd see Big Pussy get Paltrow-ed.

It's fucking crazy. Mm-mm-mm.

It's honestly fucked up. Honestly, pretty--

So fucked up. Dude, it's like, so fucking scary.

I didn't even see what was in the box. I watched you open it.

Yeah! I felt like barfing. The blood left your face.

I honestly was about to barf. I thought you were going to, yeah.

But you were saying, I'm sorry. Sorry, so I was saying.

It's not fuckin' lost on me what happened to Big Puss, okay? Mm-hmm.

Alabaster? His crew?

They're not like other cats. They're sick!

I was there at the first Pier One battle.

Pier One-One.

Pier Eleven in some dialects. Mm-hmm.

You choose to go to war with Alabaster?

All these kids that worship you, you're sendin' 'em in to die!

Wait, wait, wait. I know why you don't wanna fight, Mikey. Why's that?

You don't want to get anymore messed up.

You want to stay pretty so you can get adopted by some fucking human.

I know why you had that brochure. What the heck you talkin' about?

You want to leave the fuckin' crew life, then get out, all right?

Go live with a human and drink some milk out of a shoe

or whatever the fuck they do in those houses.

I mean, really, Mikey, you think you can get adopted?

Look at you with that ear, you're a fucking monster.

You're the monster, Philly.

You think Johnny would've been proud?

At what his crew's turned into?

The flashiness? The drugs?

The paw-stitutes? (meows)

Prostitutes but cats. Mm-hmm.

We could've restored order, and respect

to being a New York alley cat.

But instead we scratched and bit,

and all the kids got iPhones and Snapchats.

And I don't get it! I don't get the template.

I can't find the "follow" button.

"Order and respect," Mikey? Order and respect?

That went out the window the night Alabaster killed Johnny,

and you fucking know it, all right?

It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm looking for some pussy.

Let's go! (gasps)

Don't dramatically block the door, Mikey.

You're still young.

Go back to school.

Go to university.

You're smart.

You're not like the rest of us, Philly.

I chose this life, Mikey.

(sniffles)

I love you, Mikey.

I love you, too.

Do you wanna boy hug? Let's boy hug.

You know, like a too aggressive pat on the back.

I'm gonna slap your back to offset the fact that I can feel your heartbeat.

It's a beautiful and confusing thing, us boys.

May God look after you, Philly.

Hard cut.

All right, everybody stay focused, okay?

I don't know where they're-- Shh, what the fuck was that?

Alabaster: Mmmm!

Philip, right?

You're Johnny's kid brother, all grown up.

(scoffs) I remember the last time we was here

and you were crying like a baby.

Waa! Waa, Johnny! You remember that?

Goo-goo-ga-ga.

Little baby. (chuckling)

(whispers) Psst, hey, Terrence. You're gonna make it, buddy.

Thank you so much for your support.

Always so nice to meet a fan.

Let me ask you something. How'd you know Big Pussy was gonna be in Two Bridges, huh?

Well, I had a little help from my friend.

You might know him as Father Anthony.

(with Irish accent) Well, what do we have here? A bunch of jerk-offs.

Father Anthony, you don't wanna be here, all right? Things are about to get messy.

Oh, Father Anthony? Yeah.

Or is it...

Voila.

Wait. Father Anthony, you're bald?

Listen, dumbass, my real name is Gigglepuss.

You killed my brother, Chuckles,

now I'm gonna kill you for revenge.

Oh! I really thought you was Irish this whole time.

Are you an actor? Look, we're all actors in some respect.

But I'm trying to be a professional actor, yeah.

Wow! I got a one-man show going now.

It's doing really well-- Oh, here it is with the one-man show.

So, anyway. Yeah, guys, I want revenge on Alabaster.

Gigglepuss wants revenge on me. Bingo.

Now this has gotten a little muddy.

I agree. It is a little muddy, but...

Why don't we just go at it? All-out brawl type of thing.

I like to call it a melee.

Ooh! A melee! Yeah, I like that.

Complete chaos, and then whoever wins is the winner.

Okay, yeah, that sounds great. That sound good?

This is gonna be fun. Okay, so let's...

All three: One, two, three.

(yowling, snarling)

♪ ♪

Gig flies!

(Gigglepuss yowling)

Just make it quick, all right?

Aw, no!

For Big Pussy! (yowls)

Mikey! Did I fucking kill him?

You fucking killed Gigglepuss, dude!

I fucking didn't mean to kill him.

All right, focus up! Focus up!

(yowling)

All right, Alabaster.

It's you and me, buddy. You ready to meet your maker?

Ah, Johnny's knife.

Well, I have something of Johnny's as well.

What, like a gift?

Yeah, it's like a gift.

You remember this?

Johnny's tooth.

Oh, you recognize it?

Phil, what is it? I can't see.

It's Johhny's tooth. He pulled out Johnny's tooth.

I've got Johnny's switchblade. It's very symbolic. Feels good.

All right, stay focused. Stop talking to me.

All right, Alabaster.

Let's finish this once and for all.

Yeah, let me finish it once and for all for you.

Okey-doke.

(both grunting)

And then I'll... I'll flip.

Oh, will you now? Haha.

What if I did this, huh? Yeah, what if you did?

Okay, I tried. Oh!

(both grunt)

(groans)

No. (coughs)

(coughs) Oh, Philly.

(chuckles) Oh, you got me.

(groans) I was a good kitty,

just made all wrong.

They gave ol' Alabaster the wrong parts.

I bid y'all a farewell.

Mwah!

(yelling)

(gags, vomits)

♪ ♪

Mikey, come close.

Yeah, Philly, what is it?

I think...

I think I'm gonna go finish my homework now.

(groans)

(mournful meowing)

♪ ♪

(neon buzzing)

Woo! Terrence is healthy and scary!

Lil' bitch!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Stray ♪

♪ Cats ♪

♪ Stray cats ♪

♪ Hey, all you stray cats ♪

♪ Go and find a home ♪

♪ Wrap yourself in bandages ♪

♪ Ah, stray cats ♪

♪ Baba-loo, the stray cats Baba-loo, the stray cats ♪

♪ Baba-loo, the stray cats Baba-loo, the stray cats... ♪

(wind whistling)

♪ Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream ♪

All: ♪ Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream ♪

Dreams! That's how you take the bait.

(cheering)

Great! Fantastic!

Go Gigglepuss! Beautiful!

♪ We are sad and wasted ♪

♪ Ah, stray cats ♪

♪ Baba-loo, the stray cats ♪

♪ Baba-loo, the stray cats ♪

♪ Baba-loo, the stray cats ♪

♪ Baba-loo, the stray cats ♪

♪ Baba-loo, the stray cats ♪

♪ Baba-loo, the stray cats ♪

♪ Baba-loo, the stray cats ♪

♪ ♪

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

NARRATOR: Nature. Beautifully chaotic,

and yet meticulously curated.

WORM 1: I really like you. Can I kiss you?

(MOANS)

WORM 2: Ew. Were you making out with that?

WORM 1: No. That's a smudge mark thing.

(SCREAMING)

♪ (DRUM PLAYING) ♪

-Square up, bitch. Bring it! -(GROWLS)

(GUN FIRES)

(GARGLING)

(HISSING)

NARRATOR: Since the dawn of time,

predator and prey have coexisted...

(SCREAMING)

NARRATOR: ...in a symbiotic relationship.

♪ (DRUM CYMBAL CRASHES) ♪