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1
00:00:06,708 --> 00:00:08,583
Guys, I'm quitting.
2
00:00:09,166 --> 00:00:10,166
Wait, what?
3
00:00:10,542 --> 00:00:13,875
♪ (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
4
00:00:14,125 --> 00:00:16,542
I'm going to have to insist
that I keep the name Pied Piper,
5
00:00:16,542 --> 00:00:17,583
and I won't budge on that.
6
00:00:17,917 --> 00:00:19,500
-(ALL MUTTERING)
-ELRICH: Who gives a shit?
7
00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:20,750
-JARED: Fine. That's fine.
-ELRICH: Terrible.
8
00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:22,333
♪ (HIP-HOP CONTINUES) ♪
9
00:00:22,333 --> 00:00:24,417
RICHARD: I needed to build
something else.
10
00:00:25,041 --> 00:00:26,417
We could build a new internet.
11
00:00:26,417 --> 00:00:28,125
You sound like a crazy person.
12
00:00:28,333 --> 00:00:30,417
Oh, my God. It's real.
13
00:00:31,375 --> 00:00:32,083
Can I just...
14
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:33,583
-Can I try something?
-Yeah.
15
00:00:34,125 --> 00:00:35,875
Whoo! (LAUGHS)
16
00:00:36,333 --> 00:00:38,000
-Okay.
-(CHUCKLES) I don't know.
17
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,333
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
18
00:00:39,583 --> 00:00:41,875
-Whoo-hoo-hoo!
-I haven't had a lot of sleep.
19
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,166
♪ (HIP-HOP CONTINUES) ♪
20
00:00:44,375 --> 00:00:46,792
(SCREAMING) Whoo! Whoo!
21
00:00:46,792 --> 00:00:48,083
(SCREAM ECHOES)
22
00:00:48,291 --> 00:00:49,458
Whoo!
23
00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:50,959
(FAINT ECHO)
24
00:00:51,458 --> 00:00:52,583
-Sorry.
-That's okay.
25
00:00:52,917 --> 00:00:55,834
♪ (HIP-HOP MUSIC ENDS) ♪
26
00:01:06,375 --> 00:01:08,792
(theme music playing)
27
00:01:11,458 --> 00:01:13,750
♪ Animals ♪
28
00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,291
♪ Animals ♪
29
00:01:24,291 --> 00:01:26,333
(coughing)
30
00:01:26,333 --> 00:01:28,166
(air-raid sirens blaring)
31
00:01:28,166 --> 00:01:30,834
(people shouting)
32
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:34,083
(death metal playing)
33
00:01:34,083 --> 00:01:36,000
(coughing)
34
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,708
♪ ♪
35
00:01:37,708 --> 00:01:40,708
(indistinct radio chatter)
36
00:01:42,041 --> 00:01:43,625
Ca-caw!
Ca-caw!
37
00:01:48,708 --> 00:01:50,667
(death metal music fades)
38
00:01:52,083 --> 00:01:54,667
(pastoral organ music playing)
39
00:01:54,667 --> 00:01:56,125
Yeah, I don't know,
Nirvana was good,
40
00:01:56,125 --> 00:01:59,041
but I think Third Eye Blind
really defined modern rock.
41
00:01:59,041 --> 00:02:00,083
Yeah, just focus
on the work
42
00:02:00,083 --> 00:02:01,375
and then we can
talk after it.
43
00:02:01,375 --> 00:02:02,667
I'm focused on the work.
44
00:02:02,667 --> 00:02:05,166
You know how we live and die
by the Yelp reviews, right?
45
00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:07,333
That's why I think we're
really good business partners...
46
00:02:07,333 --> 00:02:09,708
Partners?
...because you're doing a great
job with the nitty-gritty.
47
00:02:09,708 --> 00:02:11,542
You're an underling.
You're an employee at best.
48
00:02:11,542 --> 00:02:13,458
Look, it doesn't matter.
My expertise really lies
49
00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:16,041
in the... (lisping)
piece de la Christmas...
50
00:02:16,041 --> 00:02:17,291
Pièce de résistance.
51
00:02:17,291 --> 00:02:19,041
...of all catered events:
52
00:02:19,041 --> 00:02:22,417
the three-tier, stainless-steel
La Voni Fountain XL.
53
00:02:22,417 --> 00:02:23,875
If I turn
this puppy to 11,
54
00:02:23,875 --> 00:02:26,041
I could blow
your head clean off.
55
00:02:26,041 --> 00:02:27,125
And I'll do it, too.
56
00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:29,333
Chill. All right?
You're threatening me.
57
00:02:29,333 --> 00:02:30,458
I stepped over the line.
58
00:02:30,458 --> 00:02:31,917
Phil? Hey, Phil?
59
00:02:31,917 --> 00:02:34,250
Have you guys by any chance
seen, like, a little kid?
60
00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:36,125
Probably got, like,
snot coming out of his nose.
61
00:02:36,125 --> 00:02:37,542
You know what I mean?
What the fuck, Mike?
62
00:02:37,542 --> 00:02:39,333
Oh, there you are.
You calling me
a snot-nosed kid?
63
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,417
You do have
a little bit of a--
64
00:02:40,417 --> 00:02:41,917
I don't have anything, dude--
65
00:02:41,917 --> 00:02:43,750
Okay, so what?
Mike, let's go.
66
00:02:43,750 --> 00:02:47,583
Oh, like nobody never had
no boogies coming out of their
nose, like they do that.
67
00:02:47,583 --> 00:02:49,000
♪ ♪
68
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,667
You know, I think
the boys are just having
trouble accepting it.
69
00:02:51,667 --> 00:02:53,708
Oh, yeah.
I mean, I get it.
It must be so weird
70
00:02:53,708 --> 00:02:55,917
to watch your mom
get remarried.
That's true.
71
00:02:55,917 --> 00:02:57,250
But, you know,
I love Pat.
72
00:02:57,250 --> 00:02:59,250
He's a great guy.
I love him so much.
73
00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:01,625
What do you think about
something like this?
74
00:03:01,625 --> 00:03:04,291
Oh. Do you
really think this works?
75
00:03:04,291 --> 00:03:06,917
Haha, I guess everyone's
an expert when it comes
to their wedding day.
76
00:03:06,917 --> 00:03:10,125
(hacking cough)
I'll be right back.
I need a cigarette.
77
00:03:10,125 --> 00:03:11,959
Get off of me, dude.
78
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,291
Okay?
Just hurry up. God.
79
00:03:13,291 --> 00:03:15,417
I'm walking, Michael!
(gasps)
Are those my boys?
80
00:03:15,417 --> 00:03:17,000
Yes, Mommy.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
81
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,625
Hey, Mom.
I wanna see!
I wanna see!
82
00:03:18,625 --> 00:03:20,125
Oh, you look adorable!
83
00:03:20,125 --> 00:03:23,208
Yeah. Adorable
in our monkey suits. (groans)
84
00:03:23,208 --> 00:03:26,291
Mom, I look like
a 1920s paperboy.
This is ridiculous.
85
00:03:26,291 --> 00:03:27,917
That's the theme
of the wedding.
86
00:03:27,917 --> 00:03:29,625
I feel stifled.
I feel like a doll.
87
00:03:29,625 --> 00:03:31,625
Can we cheer up, huh?
It's impossible.
88
00:03:31,625 --> 00:03:32,959
Can we try?
Impossible.
89
00:03:32,959 --> 00:03:34,583
For one day?
It's a celebration, okay?
90
00:03:34,583 --> 00:03:36,125
I don't think it's
a celebration at all.
91
00:03:36,125 --> 00:03:38,083
It feels like my whole
life's getting flipped
upside down,
92
00:03:38,083 --> 00:03:40,041
and I'm not gonna be
the baby of the family anymore.
93
00:03:40,041 --> 00:03:41,667
Boys, can I promise
you something?
Oh!
94
00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:43,792
I'm seconds away from a tantrum.
Go ahead, Mommy, I'm sorry.
95
00:03:43,792 --> 00:03:45,625
You guys will always
be my little boys.
96
00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:47,959
Okay?
Well, Mom,
97
00:03:47,959 --> 00:03:49,875
we would be remiss
if we didn't say
98
00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:51,708
you look beautiful
on your bright, shining day.
99
00:03:51,708 --> 00:03:54,041
Thank you, Mike.
You look very pretty.
100
00:03:54,041 --> 00:03:55,291
Your eyes are really--
101
00:03:55,291 --> 00:03:56,750
Wow, what shade
of eye shadow is that?
102
00:03:56,750 --> 00:03:58,250
You're not using
my makeup, Mike.
103
00:03:58,250 --> 00:04:00,917
What, I'm just asking?
And I have something
else to say, too.
104
00:04:00,917 --> 00:04:02,250
(burps)
105
00:04:02,250 --> 00:04:07,083
All right. I love you.
This means a ton to me.
106
00:04:07,083 --> 00:04:09,458
Now go have fun.
Don't get messy.
107
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:12,333
Mom, Mike's trying to get a
cigarette from the hairdresser!
Michael!
108
00:04:12,333 --> 00:04:13,959
(hacking cough)
Mike: Cool.
109
00:04:13,959 --> 00:04:15,834
♪ ♪
110
00:04:15,834 --> 00:04:17,000
Mike, give me your eyeliner.
111
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,834
I'm gonna tag
this fucking photo of Pat.
112
00:04:18,834 --> 00:04:21,792
See, when you're drawing
a penis, you don't want
to make the shaft too big,
113
00:04:21,792 --> 00:04:23,375
or else it just
looks unrealistic.
114
00:04:23,375 --> 00:04:25,750
I personally think
he'd look better
with a gap tooth.
115
00:04:25,750 --> 00:04:28,750
Maybe double horns.
A dick? That's
a little bit on the nose.
116
00:04:28,750 --> 00:04:30,875
Pat. Our new stepdad.
117
00:04:30,875 --> 00:04:32,000
I thought I smelled you.
118
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,500
Okay, Pat, we get it.
119
00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:35,667
You're cool and you're
relating to us, whatever.
120
00:04:35,667 --> 00:04:37,417
Just give me the freaking
ring or whatever I need
121
00:04:37,417 --> 00:04:39,083
for this gay
little ring boy walk.
122
00:04:39,083 --> 00:04:41,875
Yeah, actually, ahem,
Phil, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
123
00:04:41,875 --> 00:04:43,834
Since you're in charge
of the music...
124
00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:46,250
(screaming)
Check! Check!
125
00:04:46,250 --> 00:04:48,750
(screeching)
Oh, God, no!
126
00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:52,208
Phil, Mike, 'sup, dudes?
Thanks for the gig, man.
127
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:54,417
Yeah, we thought
it'd only be fair
128
00:04:54,417 --> 00:04:56,875
if Mason was the ring boy.
129
00:04:56,875 --> 00:04:58,375
Thank you, Daddy.
130
00:04:58,375 --> 00:04:59,458
Oh, my God.
131
00:04:59,458 --> 00:05:01,208
M-A-S-O-N
132
00:05:01,208 --> 00:05:04,792
is the R-I-N-G B-O-Y,
133
00:05:04,792 --> 00:05:05,875
ring boy!
134
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:08,875
Can you believe
it's already the big day?
135
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:11,166
Ugh, Mason, get off me.
You stink.
136
00:05:11,166 --> 00:05:13,291
I'm excited.
Mason, get off of me.
137
00:05:13,291 --> 00:05:15,000
Hugs.
I'm not gonna hug you.
138
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,667
Fucking Mason's really replacing
me as the ring boy, Pat?
139
00:05:17,667 --> 00:05:20,291
Can I help it
that I'm younger,
140
00:05:20,291 --> 00:05:22,208
and my eyes are bigger,
141
00:05:22,208 --> 00:05:23,625
and my voice
is higher?
142
00:05:23,625 --> 00:05:27,208
Your voice is not
higher than mine, Mason!
143
00:05:27,208 --> 00:05:28,959
Look at this.
(squeaks)
144
00:05:28,959 --> 00:05:31,875
It's so high,
you can't even hear.
It's like a dog whistle.
145
00:05:31,875 --> 00:05:33,542
That dog just
did a backflip.
146
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,250
Mason, you listen
to me, okay?
147
00:05:35,250 --> 00:05:38,542
You're not gonna be
my brother, and you'll
never be my brother.
148
00:05:38,542 --> 00:05:40,667
Mikey's my only brother.
Right, Mikey?
149
00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:43,125
Wow. Marilyn Manson took out
one of his ribs
150
00:05:43,125 --> 00:05:44,917
to suck his own dick.
151
00:05:44,917 --> 00:05:46,125
Fucking genius.
152
00:05:46,125 --> 00:05:48,542
Mason, stay out of my way!
153
00:05:48,542 --> 00:05:51,291
Don't see me
as a threat, boys.
154
00:05:51,291 --> 00:05:52,917
Whatever. Mike, let's go.
155
00:05:52,917 --> 00:05:54,750
He shoved a fucking
fork in his eye
156
00:05:54,750 --> 00:05:57,000
'cause he thought
a fake eye would look cool.
157
00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:59,375
And it does.
It does look cool.
158
00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:04,250
♪ And it's an early
event horizon ♪
159
00:06:12,917 --> 00:06:14,375
(bubbling)
160
00:06:17,708 --> 00:06:19,625
(beeping)
161
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:26,166
(beeping)
162
00:06:34,708 --> 00:06:35,667
Hmm.
163
00:06:35,667 --> 00:06:36,875
(music on headphones)
164
00:06:36,875 --> 00:06:39,875
Um, excuse me, is this
the Macciano-Gelburg wedding?
165
00:06:39,875 --> 00:06:41,708
Whoa.
166
00:06:41,708 --> 00:06:45,208
Tha-- That's my mommy
getting married...
at the wedding.
167
00:06:45,208 --> 00:06:46,959
Um, my mommy is the one--
168
00:06:46,959 --> 00:06:48,834
Are you okay?
Yeah. Ahem.
169
00:06:48,834 --> 00:06:50,083
Yes, it is.
170
00:06:50,083 --> 00:06:51,166
What's your name?
171
00:06:52,959 --> 00:06:54,000
'Kay, well, I'm Sandy.
172
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,291
I'm gonna call you
the male witch.
173
00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:57,792
Mm-hmm.
Because you're wearing makeup,
174
00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,458
you have your nails painted...
Right.
175
00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:00,917
...you haven't
identified yourself,
176
00:07:00,917 --> 00:07:03,166
which is what, like,
a suicide bomber might do,
177
00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:04,542
so this is freaking
me out a bit.
178
00:07:04,542 --> 00:07:07,166
Okay, I think we have, like,
a fundamental misunderstanding
179
00:07:07,166 --> 00:07:08,667
of my dark aesthetic.
180
00:07:08,667 --> 00:07:10,458
See, I'm goth, okay?
Huh?
181
00:07:10,458 --> 00:07:13,041
Wow. How do I describe goth
to someone who doesn't know it?
182
00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:14,792
(gasps)
Are you a musician?
183
00:07:14,792 --> 00:07:17,208
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am
a musi-- mus--
184
00:07:17,208 --> 00:07:20,333
I make music.
Oh, my God. Did you write
a song for your mom's wedding?
185
00:07:20,333 --> 00:07:22,083
That would be so sweet.
186
00:07:22,083 --> 00:07:23,834
Of course I did.
'Cause I'm a musician,
187
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:26,250
so why wouldn't I write
a song for my mom's wedding?
188
00:07:26,250 --> 00:07:28,542
Oh, you're performing
a song for your mom?
189
00:07:28,542 --> 00:07:30,208
It's all written
and everything, too.
190
00:07:30,208 --> 00:07:32,792
Why am I saying that?
I'll be totally honest,
when I first saw you,
191
00:07:32,792 --> 00:07:34,625
I thought you were this,
like, weird dickhead
192
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,041
wearing black makeup,
Mmm. No.
193
00:07:36,041 --> 00:07:38,834
Now I think you're
king of a sweet songwriter.
That's cool.
194
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,250
(whispering)
Stay strong, Mikey,
this is going so well.
195
00:07:41,250 --> 00:07:44,000
And the fact that you care
about your mom so much,
196
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,166
I-- I don't know, it kind of
makes me want to cry.
197
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,000
Seeing her cry
is making me tear up.
198
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,417
Don't cry, Mikey,
don't cry.
199
00:07:49,417 --> 00:07:51,458
Wow. Okay, well,
I can't wait to hear it.
200
00:07:51,458 --> 00:07:52,708
(sniffs) Cool.
201
00:07:52,708 --> 00:07:54,458
Okay, see you soon.
Hey, Sandy.
202
00:07:54,458 --> 00:07:56,083
Marilyn Manson, um...
203
00:07:56,083 --> 00:07:59,000
I'm sorry?
...sucked my dick. Heh.
204
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:01,708
Whoa.
205
00:08:01,708 --> 00:08:02,959
(camera beeps)
206
00:08:02,959 --> 00:08:04,333
Hey, everybody, I'm here.
207
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:06,625
I'm just getting ready
for my big walk down the aisle.
208
00:08:06,625 --> 00:08:08,500
(woman laughing)
Oh, is that Aunt Judy?
209
00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:10,750
I look cute? Stop it.
210
00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:12,000
Uncle Chris!
211
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,208
Have you lost weight?
212
00:08:14,208 --> 00:08:15,625
Maybe he gained it?
213
00:08:15,625 --> 00:08:17,708
Comment below if you think
Uncle Chris has gained weight.
214
00:08:17,708 --> 00:08:21,500
It's a regular who's who
of the squirrel community
here today.
215
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,583
We got Mike, Uncle Ben,
216
00:08:23,583 --> 00:08:27,041
Cho-Cho, Ribbles, Fimp, Mark.
217
00:08:27,041 --> 00:08:28,750
And who's this little fuckhead?
218
00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:30,250
Oh, it's Phil.
219
00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:32,792
Phil (muttering):
Fucking stupid-ass wedding.
220
00:08:32,792 --> 00:08:34,542
And the thing,
and then that'll come down
221
00:08:34,542 --> 00:08:36,542
and it'll fucking
chop his fucking head off.
222
00:08:36,542 --> 00:08:37,708
What are you drawing?
What?!
223
00:08:37,708 --> 00:08:39,041
I'm not drawing
anything, Mason.
224
00:08:39,041 --> 00:08:40,750
What are you
doing under here?
Looks like something.
225
00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:42,542
It's none of your
business, okay?
Can I look at it?
226
00:08:42,542 --> 00:08:44,625
Mason, personal space, man.
Six inches at least.
227
00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:46,291
Well, there's not gonna be
much personal space
228
00:08:46,291 --> 00:08:48,583
when we're brothers.
Brothers hang out,
they share bunk beds,
229
00:08:48,583 --> 00:08:50,792
they share cereal.
Mason, we're never gonna
share bunk beds, okay?
230
00:08:50,792 --> 00:08:53,041
I'm on the top bunk,
Mike's on the bottom bunk.
231
00:08:53,041 --> 00:08:55,667
(sniffs) Oh, my God.
You stink of milk.
232
00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:56,834
Is that all you drink?
233
00:08:56,834 --> 00:09:00,083
I can't wait until
it's mother's breast milk.
234
00:09:00,083 --> 00:09:02,125
Mason, my mommy
is not lactating anymore.
235
00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,542
You know there's some reports
236
00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:07,417
when a woman is around
a younger force
237
00:09:07,417 --> 00:09:10,125
that the body just begins
to naturally lactate.
238
00:09:10,125 --> 00:09:13,959
And if she starts drippin',
I'm gonna be lickin'.
239
00:09:13,959 --> 00:09:16,959
Mason, you're not gonna drink
any of my mommy's breast milk!
You got that?
240
00:09:16,959 --> 00:09:20,458
You're no longer the baby.
You realize that, right?
241
00:09:20,458 --> 00:09:22,625
I'm the baby, gotta love me.
242
00:09:22,625 --> 00:09:24,083
I get the most presents,
243
00:09:24,083 --> 00:09:26,792
the most attention,
the most love.
244
00:09:26,792 --> 00:09:29,041
Love isn't a tangible thing
and you know that.
245
00:09:29,041 --> 00:09:30,959
Come on, Mason,
just 'cause you're ring boy
246
00:09:30,959 --> 00:09:32,458
doesn't mean
you're replacing me.
247
00:09:32,458 --> 00:09:35,667
I'm thinking maybe I'll do just
some classic ring bearer moves.
248
00:09:35,667 --> 00:09:39,583
Maybe half-way down
the aisle, I'll get nervous
and I'll turn around.
249
00:09:39,583 --> 00:09:41,917
Probably get a few
ahhs and oohs from that.
250
00:09:41,917 --> 00:09:43,625
And then--
I just hope I don't trip.
251
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:45,291
I won't, but...
252
00:09:45,291 --> 00:09:47,417
I guess it'd be kinda cute
if I tripped.
253
00:09:47,417 --> 00:09:49,583
Screw you, Mason.
I'm getting out of here.
254
00:09:49,583 --> 00:09:51,000
I'm onto you, Phil.
255
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,708
You're not gonna ruin
my big day, you little...
256
00:09:53,708 --> 00:09:55,000
poopy boy!
257
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,417
Yeah, Phil! Get out
of here, ya poop-ass!
258
00:09:58,417 --> 00:10:00,458
Haha. Who is that, man?
259
00:10:00,458 --> 00:10:02,917
Oh, he's my new stepbrother.
260
00:10:02,917 --> 00:10:04,792
And he's up to no good.
261
00:10:04,792 --> 00:10:07,250
I'm gonna keep
an eye on him.
262
00:10:07,250 --> 00:10:10,000
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
263
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,667
Heh. You're
a funny little guy.
264
00:10:12,667 --> 00:10:14,375
♪ ♪
265
00:10:14,375 --> 00:10:16,542
Gotta write a song.
Gotta write a song.
266
00:10:16,542 --> 00:10:18,041
Okay, here we go.
267
00:10:18,041 --> 00:10:21,375
(to the tune
of "Happy Birthday")
♪ My blood is so red ♪
268
00:10:21,375 --> 00:10:24,333
♪ My blood is so red ♪
269
00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:27,542
Mike, Mike, Mike, shut up, dude.
Why are you singing "Happy
Birthday?" It's a wedding.
270
00:10:27,542 --> 00:10:29,041
Is that
"Happy Birthday"? Fuck.
271
00:10:29,041 --> 00:10:30,208
Whatever, dude,
here's the plan.
272
00:10:30,208 --> 00:10:31,875
I'm gonna pop off a cork
from a champagne bottle
273
00:10:31,875 --> 00:10:33,959
and it'll hit Pat in the head,
knocking him unconscious.
274
00:10:33,959 --> 00:10:36,750
While I'm doing that, I need
you to half nelson Mason.
You got that?
275
00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:38,375
Okay, Phil?
That's an arm bar
276
00:10:38,375 --> 00:10:40,583
that goes like this, Mike,
that'll knock him right out.
277
00:10:40,583 --> 00:10:41,875
After that we we flank the side,
278
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:44,291
flip over the appetizer table,
bada-bing, bada-boom,
279
00:10:44,291 --> 00:10:45,875
we got ourselves
a little home base.
280
00:10:45,875 --> 00:10:48,208
From there we pick off
Pat's family one-by-one.
281
00:10:48,208 --> 00:10:49,583
Phil--
And then we rescue mom,
282
00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:51,208
and we go home,
and forget this ever happened.
283
00:10:51,208 --> 00:10:53,291
What do you say?
Put it there.
Put it there, big bro.
284
00:10:53,291 --> 00:10:55,041
Phil, you need
to grow up, man.
285
00:10:55,041 --> 00:10:56,959
You're acting like
a little kid.
286
00:10:56,959 --> 00:10:58,750
What are you talking about?
287
00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:00,583
What, are you Team Pat
and Mason all of a sudden?
288
00:11:00,583 --> 00:11:03,000
Come on.
You're a freaking
traitor, all right, dude?
289
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,917
You're a Judas.
You're a harlot.
290
00:11:04,917 --> 00:11:06,500
You're a Benedict Arnold.
291
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,125
You're Harry
in Dumb and Dumber.
292
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:09,792
I'm not Harry.
Yes, you are, dude.
293
00:11:09,792 --> 00:11:12,375
And I'm fucking
Lloyd Christmas and you're
leaving me in Nebraska.
294
00:11:12,375 --> 00:11:13,458
Wake up, man! Okay?
295
00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:15,083
This is happening
whether you like it or not.
296
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:17,291
No, it didn't happen yet!
We can still stop it, Mike.
297
00:11:17,291 --> 00:11:19,834
Mom is in love with Pat,
all right? Whatever.
298
00:11:19,834 --> 00:11:23,875
Plus... maybe love
isn't so gay after all.
299
00:11:23,875 --> 00:11:25,750
That's something
I'm exploring.
300
00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:27,834
Hey, Phil, give me
a word that rhymes with abyss.
301
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:30,250
Other than piss,
'cause I've already
went through--
302
00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:31,750
Ugh!
Oww!
303
00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:33,458
Are you fucking serious, dude?
Come on, let's go!
304
00:11:33,458 --> 00:11:35,166
We need to have it out.
Let's just get it out.
305
00:11:35,166 --> 00:11:36,583
God, screw you!
306
00:11:36,583 --> 00:11:38,667
Get the fuck
off me, Mike!
307
00:11:38,667 --> 00:11:40,375
Think you can come at me
like that?
308
00:11:40,375 --> 00:11:41,750
'Cause I'm wearing
black contacts?
309
00:11:41,750 --> 00:11:43,458
Are you kidding me?
Oww, dude, fucking--
310
00:11:43,458 --> 00:11:46,792
(crowd murmuring)
Fuck you, Mike!
Fuck you, dude.
311
00:11:46,792 --> 00:11:49,708
If I have a bloody lip,
I'm seriously gonna kick
your ass, Phil.
312
00:11:49,708 --> 00:11:51,125
I'm serious.
313
00:11:51,125 --> 00:11:54,458
Oh, hi, Grandma.
No, we were just playing.
314
00:11:54,458 --> 00:11:56,750
Grandma, I'm fine!
Leave me alone!
315
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:57,959
I love you, Grandma.
316
00:11:57,959 --> 00:11:59,792
♪ ♪
317
00:11:59,792 --> 00:12:03,041
That should be the right
velocity to take someone's
freaking head off.
318
00:12:03,041 --> 00:12:04,500
Ooh, I love being a scamp.
319
00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:07,166
Modern day Dennis the Menace,
modern day Bart Simpson.
320
00:12:07,166 --> 00:12:09,708
That's a bad boy, Philly.
321
00:12:09,708 --> 00:12:11,000
What-- Mason!
322
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:13,333
I'm gonna put one of these
tacks down on everybody's chair,
323
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,500
and then poof,
I guess the wedding's
gonna be ruined.
324
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,458
Haha, 'cause no one's
able to sit.
325
00:12:17,458 --> 00:12:19,125
Not on my watch.
(vacuum whirs)
326
00:12:19,125 --> 00:12:20,417
Fuck you, Mason.
327
00:12:20,417 --> 00:12:21,959
I'm just gonna
put these whoopee cushions
328
00:12:21,959 --> 00:12:23,458
secretly down on
each one of these chairs.
329
00:12:23,458 --> 00:12:25,291
I don't think so.
330
00:12:25,291 --> 00:12:26,375
Aargh, Mason!
331
00:12:26,375 --> 00:12:27,792
Nu-uh-uh.
Mason!
332
00:12:27,792 --> 00:12:28,792
Nope.
Mason!
333
00:12:28,792 --> 00:12:29,792
Not today.
Mason!
334
00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:31,166
I don't think so.
Mason.
335
00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:32,208
Fuck off!
336
00:12:32,208 --> 00:12:34,041
(people gasp)
(groans)
337
00:12:34,041 --> 00:12:37,542
Oh, Phil, you have
given me the greatest gift.
338
00:12:37,542 --> 00:12:39,250
No, Mason.
Just be quiet.
(whimpers)
339
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:40,917
No, no, don't cry.
(whimpers)
340
00:12:40,917 --> 00:12:42,333
Don't cry, Mason. Please.
Bottom lip
341
00:12:42,333 --> 00:12:43,625
trembling.
It's okay, you're fine.
342
00:12:43,625 --> 00:12:44,875
Tears forming.
You're fine.
343
00:12:44,875 --> 00:12:46,667
You're fine, Mason.
Point of no return.
344
00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:50,333
Waah!
Daddy!
345
00:12:50,333 --> 00:12:51,792
What's going on over here?
346
00:12:51,792 --> 00:12:53,125
Mason, are you okay?
347
00:12:53,125 --> 00:12:55,208
(crying)
Phil just pushed me!
348
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,375
Philip, is that true?
349
00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:57,834
He's fine.
He's faking it.
350
00:12:57,834 --> 00:13:01,291
These are 100% real tears.
351
00:13:01,291 --> 00:13:03,041
Mason!
It's 'cause he's older
352
00:13:03,041 --> 00:13:05,667
and he's getting more
strength by the day.
353
00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:08,375
He doesn't even know
his own strength!
354
00:13:08,375 --> 00:13:09,875
All right.
Let's go inside.
355
00:13:09,875 --> 00:13:11,917
Philip,
follow me, buster.
356
00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:14,166
How could you
do this to me, Phil?
357
00:13:14,166 --> 00:13:17,208
It's fine, he's fine.
How could you do this to me?
358
00:13:17,208 --> 00:13:18,875
♪ ♪
359
00:13:18,875 --> 00:13:22,667
I wanna stop crying,
but I can't.
It hurts so much.
360
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:25,834
Philip, I know you think
Mason is a little bit, um...
361
00:13:25,834 --> 00:13:27,375
(crying)
362
00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:29,000
...coddled.
But that's because
363
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,041
when he was born,
well, he was really sick.
Yeah.
364
00:13:32,041 --> 00:13:33,708
His mom,
before she passed,
365
00:13:33,708 --> 00:13:34,959
she had some troubles.
366
00:13:34,959 --> 00:13:38,041
She was taking pills while
she had Mason in her belly,
367
00:13:38,041 --> 00:13:39,417
so when the dude came out,
368
00:13:39,417 --> 00:13:41,583
I mean, his head was like,
it was soft,
369
00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:43,375
and he kinda
smelled like liquor.
370
00:13:43,375 --> 00:13:45,250
And I guess,
ever since then, well,
371
00:13:45,250 --> 00:13:46,834
I maybe pampered him a bit.
372
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:50,041
I'm over-protective
of him, I guess.
373
00:13:50,041 --> 00:13:52,458
I know he's a lot
to handle sometimes, but--
374
00:13:52,458 --> 00:13:54,583
Daddy?
At the end of the day,
375
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:56,792
I just think he's
happy to be here.
376
00:13:56,792 --> 00:13:59,792
He's happy to be alive.
Isn't that right, Mason?
377
00:13:59,792 --> 00:14:03,000
Yeah, yeah,
I'm just happy to be here.
378
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,208
I just wanna be
a good ring boy, that's all.
379
00:14:06,208 --> 00:14:09,166
So-- ahem--
let me get this straight.
380
00:14:09,166 --> 00:14:12,083
Just because your dead wife
was a pill-popping bimbo,
381
00:14:12,083 --> 00:14:15,208
that means you get
to fuck my mom with
your stupid cock-ass?!
382
00:14:15,208 --> 00:14:17,458
(gasps)
Dad, what's a cock-ass?
383
00:14:17,458 --> 00:14:19,417
No, dude, okay,
that's it.
384
00:14:19,417 --> 00:14:20,750
We're gonna go
see your mother now.
385
00:14:20,750 --> 00:14:22,083
Get your fucking
paws off me!
386
00:14:22,083 --> 00:14:23,291
(grunting)
387
00:14:23,291 --> 00:14:26,125
So stupid!
Fucking Mike left me!
388
00:14:26,125 --> 00:14:29,083
Mom's getting married to Pat,
and Mason's a piece of shit!
389
00:14:29,083 --> 00:14:30,792
And I fucking hate it!
390
00:14:30,792 --> 00:14:32,250
(toilet flushes)
391
00:14:34,250 --> 00:14:37,375
Oh, that stuff
makes me shit.
What are you doing here?
392
00:14:37,375 --> 00:14:40,000
What are you doing here?
What's all that white stuff
around your nose?
393
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,583
What did you do
to this room?
394
00:14:41,583 --> 00:14:43,959
It's destroyed.
Are you rabid or something?
395
00:14:43,959 --> 00:14:46,083
No...
Old Ben, it's just like,
396
00:14:46,083 --> 00:14:49,000
my mom's freaking marrying
this new dude.
397
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:51,208
She didn't even ask me,
she's just doing it.
398
00:14:51,208 --> 00:14:54,792
Phil, do you still have
that pen I gave you?
399
00:14:54,792 --> 00:14:55,792
Which pen?
400
00:14:55,792 --> 00:14:57,125
In episode 109.
401
00:14:57,125 --> 00:14:59,250
Oh, right, of course.
Never leave home without it.
402
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:03,250
You know,
people think of love...
403
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:06,333
as something permanent,
something that lasts forever.
404
00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:08,166
Well, it doesn't.
What do you mean?
405
00:15:08,166 --> 00:15:10,375
If love is built
on something weak...
406
00:15:10,375 --> 00:15:12,708
(hawking)
Oh, here we go.
407
00:15:12,708 --> 00:15:14,083
(spits)
Oh, God.
408
00:15:14,083 --> 00:15:16,000
...it breaks apart.
409
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,667
But, my dear boy,
410
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,834
if love is built
on something strong...
411
00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:23,834
(hawking)
412
00:15:23,834 --> 00:15:25,500
(spits)
413
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:27,458
Phil:
It slid right off of it.
414
00:15:27,458 --> 00:15:29,333
Still there.
Still there.
415
00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:31,291
Now I've seen
a lot of love in my life,
416
00:15:31,291 --> 00:15:34,250
and I think what your
mother and this Pat fellow have
417
00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:37,834
is a strong foundation
to build on. I really do.
418
00:15:37,834 --> 00:15:40,583
So you better
get the fuck over it.
419
00:15:40,583 --> 00:15:41,959
Okay.
Here's your pen.
420
00:15:41,959 --> 00:15:43,083
Thank you.
Keep the bottle.
421
00:15:43,083 --> 00:15:45,000
Wait, this is alcohol.
I can't drink this,
422
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,375
I'm a little kid--
It's schnapps, you little fairy!
423
00:15:47,375 --> 00:15:48,500
Relax.
Okay.
424
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:50,000
And if you tell anyone
425
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,375
I didn't wash my hands,
I'll beat the shit out of you.
426
00:15:52,375 --> 00:15:54,750
Okay, Old Ben.
Jeez Louise.
427
00:15:54,750 --> 00:15:56,959
Aaa-hahaha!
There's the laugh.
428
00:15:56,959 --> 00:15:58,000
Classic.
Oh!
429
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,417
I did too much coke!
430
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:02,333
(sniffs)
Ooh, peach.
431
00:16:02,333 --> 00:16:03,458
(gulps)
432
00:16:03,458 --> 00:16:06,083
I gotta admit,
it's pretty good.
433
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:08,500
(burps) Oh.
434
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:10,750
Feeling a light
drowsiness come over me.
435
00:16:10,750 --> 00:16:13,542
Feels like I'm wearing
a jacket inside of my skin.
436
00:16:13,542 --> 00:16:16,166
I feel relaxed, I feel at peace.
I feel a little depressed.
437
00:16:16,166 --> 00:16:18,959
If I just go ahead
and lay my head back
for a few seconds
438
00:16:18,959 --> 00:16:20,375
and just catch a few--
439
00:16:20,375 --> 00:16:23,375
(snoring)
440
00:16:23,375 --> 00:16:25,708
♪ Wish your life
was a beautiful life ♪
441
00:16:25,708 --> 00:16:28,875
♪ Well dream on ♪
442
00:16:28,875 --> 00:16:31,375
♪ Wish your life
was a beautiful life ♪
443
00:16:31,375 --> 00:16:33,708
♪ Well dream on ♪
444
00:16:33,708 --> 00:16:37,667
♪ Now you're stuck in a daze
it's all a race ♪
445
00:16:37,667 --> 00:16:40,000
(coughing)
446
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,834
♪ Survive in a letter
around your head ♪
447
00:16:42,834 --> 00:16:45,834
♪ But you got nothing on them ♪
448
00:16:45,834 --> 00:16:46,917
(knocking)
449
00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:49,417
(beeping)
450
00:16:55,959 --> 00:16:59,583
♪ I wish I could
buy you everything ♪
451
00:17:02,583 --> 00:17:04,458
Hey y'all. Mason's here.
452
00:17:04,458 --> 00:17:06,667
Talking to you straight
from my daddy's wedding.
453
00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:08,333
Been a crazy day.
454
00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:10,542
Been trying to fit in
with Phil and Mike,
455
00:17:10,542 --> 00:17:12,041
my two new older brothers.
456
00:17:12,041 --> 00:17:13,708
Phil's being a poopy-pants.
457
00:17:13,708 --> 00:17:15,083
Guess he's threatened by me.
458
00:17:15,083 --> 00:17:16,542
No surprises.
459
00:17:16,542 --> 00:17:18,083
If you think Phil's
being a jerk,
460
00:17:18,083 --> 00:17:20,542
comment down below.
Let me know.
461
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:24,208
Hey, there, ma'am,
can I get you a drink?
462
00:17:24,208 --> 00:17:25,542
Can I have
a Shirley Temple?
463
00:17:25,542 --> 00:17:26,959
Absolutely.
Coming right up.
Thank you.
464
00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:28,458
(whispers)
She's perfect.
465
00:17:28,458 --> 00:17:30,000
(gasps)
Aah! Oh, my God!
466
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,125
What's up?
Oh, it's you. Sorry.
You were just staring at me.
467
00:17:32,125 --> 00:17:34,125
Oh, I was just, like,
next in line. Sorry about--
Oh, God.
468
00:17:34,125 --> 00:17:36,417
I didn't--
I cannot wait
to see you play live.
469
00:17:36,417 --> 00:17:38,083
I've built it up
in my head so much.
470
00:17:38,083 --> 00:17:40,125
Mm-hmm. Yeah,
the pressure's pretty high, huh?
471
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:42,291
Yes, of course.
You know what, let me
get out of your hair.
472
00:17:42,291 --> 00:17:43,667
I can't wait.
Cool.
473
00:17:43,667 --> 00:17:45,000
Oh, shit.
474
00:17:46,792 --> 00:17:49,750
Okay, everybody,
three minutes until we walk,
three minutes!
475
00:17:49,750 --> 00:17:51,166
Hey, Ty.
Hey, Mike.
476
00:17:51,166 --> 00:17:52,458
Yeah, Phil's
brother, right?
477
00:17:52,458 --> 00:17:54,667
Um, well, actually, it's--
Phil would be my brother
478
00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:56,000
because I'm
the older one, so...
Oh.
479
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,750
Where is Phil?
That guy rules, man.
480
00:17:57,750 --> 00:18:00,125
Hey, um, Ty,
can I ask you something?
481
00:18:00,125 --> 00:18:01,208
Uh, yeah, sure.
482
00:18:01,208 --> 00:18:03,083
It's a little bit personal.
Shoot, man.
483
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:05,500
I'm trying to write
a song for a girl.
484
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:08,792
Do you have, like,
any tips that could maybe,
help me out?
485
00:18:08,792 --> 00:18:10,959
I just can't write a song
for the life of me.
486
00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:14,041
Well, you just gotta
write from your heart, man.
487
00:18:14,041 --> 00:18:15,792
That's what all
great songwriters do.
488
00:18:15,792 --> 00:18:17,000
Write from your heart.
489
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,834
So you're saying,
if I just be myself
490
00:18:18,834 --> 00:18:21,667
and trust my own instincts,
inspiration will strike.
491
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:25,583
And no amount of practice
or years of doing it
492
00:18:25,583 --> 00:18:27,166
will really make a difference.
493
00:18:27,166 --> 00:18:28,458
Exactly.
Yes.
494
00:18:28,458 --> 00:18:30,875
Believe in yourself, Mikey.
Thanks, Ty.
495
00:18:30,875 --> 00:18:32,834
Okay, the procession
has started. Music!
496
00:18:32,834 --> 00:18:35,458
Okay, uh, everybody,
it's go time. Ready? Here we go.
497
00:18:35,458 --> 00:18:37,291
All right. Cronin, focus up!
498
00:18:37,291 --> 00:18:39,125
One, two, three, four!
499
00:18:39,125 --> 00:18:42,208
("Here Comes the Bride" playing)
500
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:46,708
Wow.
Pat, she looks beautiful.
501
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:47,959
She's a stunner.
502
00:18:47,959 --> 00:18:50,083
And I'm allowed
to say that 'cause I'm a priest.
503
00:18:50,083 --> 00:18:52,208
'Cause I'm kinda
out of the game, so...
504
00:18:52,208 --> 00:18:54,959
As hot as your wife is,
God is a lot hotter.
505
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:56,708
Heh. We'll put it that way.
506
00:18:56,708 --> 00:18:58,291
Ooh, is it
nervous in here?
507
00:18:58,291 --> 00:19:01,208
Hey, honey. Look at all these
people just staring at us.
508
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:02,708
It's fucking weird, right?
It's so crazy.
509
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:05,083
I'm super excited.
Um, where's Phil?
510
00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:06,417
Yeah, oh, um, sorry.
511
00:19:06,417 --> 00:19:08,500
There was kind of a--
Well, there was, like,
an incident.
512
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,041
What?
Look, I don't know.
513
00:19:10,041 --> 00:19:11,834
I mean, the guy took off,
I can't find him.
What?!
514
00:19:11,834 --> 00:19:14,583
What, what do you mean?
I'm like, "hello, hello,"
he doesn't respond.
515
00:19:14,583 --> 00:19:16,125
What?
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
516
00:19:16,125 --> 00:19:17,959
if you'd please turn
your attention to the back,
517
00:19:17,959 --> 00:19:23,125
it is time for Mason,
the ring boy!
518
00:19:23,125 --> 00:19:24,500
All right, y'all.
519
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:28,166
Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two...
520
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:32,959
One! It's the moment
that's bigger than
the actual nuptials themself,
521
00:19:32,959 --> 00:19:35,208
it's Mason!
(dance music plays)
522
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:38,458
Uhn!
♪ It is time for the ring ♪
523
00:19:38,458 --> 00:19:40,834
♪ It's time for the ring ♪
524
00:19:40,834 --> 00:19:45,125
♪ And a little cutie-pie
is bringing it ♪
525
00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:47,583
Holy shit,
Mason from YouTube.
526
00:19:47,583 --> 00:19:48,583
You rule, man!
527
00:19:48,583 --> 00:19:51,083
Where are those
lasers coming from?
528
00:19:51,083 --> 00:19:54,583
This kid understands
production value.
529
00:19:54,583 --> 00:19:56,000
Natalie, you're behind.
530
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,750
You gotta make
the snaps snap.
531
00:19:57,750 --> 00:19:59,041
You're making
the snap crap.
532
00:19:59,041 --> 00:20:01,000
Why did we rehearse if you're
just gonna fuck up?
533
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,542
Pick it up.
534
00:20:02,542 --> 00:20:05,125
Check it out,
a full-on backflip.
535
00:20:05,125 --> 00:20:06,333
Whoa! Aah!
536
00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:07,583
(crowd gasps)
537
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:09,250
Keep going. Just-- No.
538
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:10,917
You're making it
weird by stopping. Just--
539
00:20:10,917 --> 00:20:13,458
(laughing)
This kid's hilarious.
540
00:20:13,458 --> 00:20:15,000
(faint dance music)
541
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:19,500
Oh... Oh! This is not the same
feeling as it was before.
542
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:21,000
Whoop! Ha, bitch.
543
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,166
Oh, shit.
544
00:20:23,166 --> 00:20:25,625
Mommy's getting
married to the guy.
545
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,750
Oh, boy, I gotta go.
546
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:30,875
Whoop, okay.
547
00:20:30,875 --> 00:20:32,333
A little bit
of "Hey, how are you?"
548
00:20:32,333 --> 00:20:33,792
And now we're back.
549
00:20:33,792 --> 00:20:35,792
Mommy! Mom, I'm here--
550
00:20:35,792 --> 00:20:37,750
Okay, everyone, quiet down,
I'm here.
551
00:20:37,750 --> 00:20:39,583
I'm here,
we can start going.
552
00:20:39,583 --> 00:20:41,291
Mommy!
553
00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:43,583
Mommy?
554
00:20:43,583 --> 00:20:48,125
Look how much cuter and younger
Mason is than Phil.
555
00:20:48,125 --> 00:20:50,917
I bet he's gonna get
so many presents.
556
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,834
I legit hate Phil now.
557
00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:56,917
I love Mason more than
either of my real sons.
558
00:20:56,917 --> 00:20:58,667
He's the best.
559
00:20:58,667 --> 00:21:03,000
I agree, honey. Let's go mush
our butts on Philip's bed.
560
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:03,959
Okay.
561
00:21:03,959 --> 00:21:06,000
Phil is going to hell,
562
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,542
to Jewish hell!
563
00:21:07,542 --> 00:21:11,417
News flash:
Mike's cooler than Phil.
564
00:21:11,417 --> 00:21:13,834
I'm gay!
565
00:21:13,834 --> 00:21:15,542
I'm albino.
566
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:18,000
If I turn this puppy up to 11,
567
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,875
I could blow your head
clean off with this thing.
568
00:21:23,166 --> 00:21:25,208
Doop, doop,
doobidy-doo.
569
00:21:25,208 --> 00:21:27,166
Doo-doo-doo-doop,
doopidy-doo.
570
00:21:27,166 --> 00:21:29,250
Doop, doop, doop, doo.
571
00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:31,083
Doop-doop,
doop-doop-doo.
572
00:21:31,083 --> 00:21:34,333
Mommy!
573
00:21:34,333 --> 00:21:35,917
(crowd murmuring)
574
00:21:35,917 --> 00:21:38,417
(panting)
575
00:21:38,417 --> 00:21:39,583
Oh, there he is.
576
00:21:39,583 --> 00:21:41,083
Oh, fuck.
577
00:21:41,083 --> 00:21:45,250
And when he says,
"I wish you would step back
from that ledge, my friend,"
578
00:21:45,250 --> 00:21:47,208
he's actually
talking about suicide.
579
00:21:47,208 --> 00:21:49,708
Yeah, that's cool, dude.
580
00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:51,000
Oh, shit.
What?
581
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,208
This little man outside
is going all Major Kong
582
00:21:53,208 --> 00:21:54,542
on the peanut butter fountain.
583
00:21:54,542 --> 00:21:55,625
Let me see.
584
00:21:55,625 --> 00:21:56,917
Whoa, wait.
585
00:21:56,917 --> 00:21:59,208
No, no.
On, no, no, no, no, no.
586
00:21:59,208 --> 00:22:00,917
No, no, no, no!
587
00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:04,542
Oh, God,
the La Voni Fountain XL.
588
00:22:04,542 --> 00:22:06,417
I'm sorry.
589
00:22:06,417 --> 00:22:09,208
No!
No!
590
00:22:09,208 --> 00:22:10,750
Whoa!
591
00:22:10,750 --> 00:22:14,417
(screaming)
592
00:22:15,750 --> 00:22:16,834
Oh, my God!
593
00:22:16,834 --> 00:22:17,875
Eww!
594
00:22:17,875 --> 00:22:19,208
Aww.
595
00:22:22,166 --> 00:22:24,458
Ugh.
Oh, my God.
596
00:22:24,458 --> 00:22:25,583
What is this crap?
597
00:22:25,583 --> 00:22:28,125
It's chunky.
Looks like shit, ugh!
598
00:22:28,125 --> 00:22:30,458
No! Why?!
599
00:22:30,458 --> 00:22:32,208
Why did you do this to me?
600
00:22:32,208 --> 00:22:35,333
Because! 'Cause Mason's
replacing me,
601
00:22:35,333 --> 00:22:37,542
and I fucking
hate Pat, Mom.
602
00:22:37,542 --> 00:22:40,959
And if you marry him, well,
that means that our real dad's
never coming back.
603
00:22:40,959 --> 00:22:43,542
And that's--
That's not fair.
604
00:22:43,542 --> 00:22:46,792
'Cause-- 'Cause why
did he leave us?
605
00:22:46,792 --> 00:22:50,083
Why did Daddy leave us?
Am I that bad?
606
00:22:50,083 --> 00:22:53,250
Are we--
Are we that bad?
607
00:22:53,250 --> 00:22:57,458
Phil, you're not bad.
608
00:22:57,458 --> 00:23:01,208
Your dad and I
weren't right for each other.
609
00:23:01,208 --> 00:23:03,583
He's gone.
And he's not coming back.
610
00:23:03,583 --> 00:23:06,208
I love Pat,
and he loves me.
611
00:23:06,208 --> 00:23:09,417
And although you may not
be able to tell right now,
612
00:23:09,417 --> 00:23:12,583
he loves you
and Mike so much.
613
00:23:12,583 --> 00:23:15,166
Is that true, Pat...
you big bitch?
614
00:23:15,166 --> 00:23:16,750
Sorry, Mommy.
It's true.
615
00:23:16,750 --> 00:23:19,417
I know things feel
real weird right now,
616
00:23:19,417 --> 00:23:22,125
but soon we're gonna have
a bigger family,
617
00:23:22,125 --> 00:23:23,792
and it's gonna be filled
with so much love.
618
00:23:23,792 --> 00:23:25,792
More love than you
could ever imagine.
619
00:23:25,792 --> 00:23:28,041
Really?
Yeah. I promise.
620
00:23:28,041 --> 00:23:29,875
I'm sorry, Mommy.
621
00:23:29,875 --> 00:23:31,000
I'm sorry.
622
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,750
I kinda ruined your
wedding a little bit.
You did.
623
00:23:32,750 --> 00:23:35,083
You did, but I love you
still so much.
624
00:23:35,083 --> 00:23:37,083
I think it will
make a good story.
625
00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:38,208
Come here.
626
00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:40,542
And I love you, too, Pat.
Mm-hmm.
627
00:23:40,542 --> 00:23:44,041
Like, you smell good,
like, you're strong,
628
00:23:44,041 --> 00:23:46,542
it feels good
when you talk to me,
629
00:23:46,542 --> 00:23:48,959
and, like, I need that sort
of influence in my life.
630
00:23:48,959 --> 00:23:51,667
Mason, get in here,
you little scamp.
631
00:23:51,667 --> 00:23:55,291
You mean it?
Aww. That feels good.
632
00:23:55,291 --> 00:23:56,708
Eww. You kissed my chest.
633
00:23:56,708 --> 00:23:59,542
Um, uh, hey, everyone.
634
00:23:59,542 --> 00:24:02,166
This seems like a good moment
for me to jump in here.
635
00:24:02,166 --> 00:24:03,250
Wow, so many
interruptions.
636
00:24:03,250 --> 00:24:04,708
Oh, oh, okay.
Mike has something
637
00:24:04,708 --> 00:24:06,417
to say.
The spotlight's on
Mike now, I guess.
638
00:24:06,417 --> 00:24:07,792
(clapping)
Whoo!
639
00:24:07,792 --> 00:24:09,291
I know him. He's cool.
640
00:24:09,291 --> 00:24:11,667
I know he doesn't look cool,
but he's cool.
641
00:24:11,667 --> 00:24:13,458
Sandy, I know we just met,
642
00:24:13,458 --> 00:24:15,041
but I love you.
643
00:24:15,041 --> 00:24:16,542
Wha--
Whoa.
644
00:24:16,542 --> 00:24:18,500
And I want you
to be my girlfriend.
645
00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:21,250
Oh, my God.
And I wrote this song for you.
646
00:24:21,250 --> 00:24:22,959
Oh, no.
647
00:24:22,959 --> 00:24:24,625
Believe in yourself, Mikey.
648
00:24:24,625 --> 00:24:28,166
(singing off-key)
♪ The blackness in my soul ♪
649
00:24:28,166 --> 00:24:30,208
Here we go.
Oh, my God.
650
00:24:30,208 --> 00:24:33,708
♪ Is becoming whiteness ♪
651
00:24:33,708 --> 00:24:36,959
He sucks so badly.
I can't handle this eye contact.
652
00:24:36,959 --> 00:24:38,708
♪ Thanks to you ♪
653
00:24:38,708 --> 00:24:39,875
Honey, Mike, Michael.
654
00:24:39,875 --> 00:24:41,166
Yes, Mom? Hi.
Hi.
655
00:24:41,166 --> 00:24:43,041
Sandy's your cousin.
656
00:24:43,041 --> 00:24:45,125
What? Fuck.
657
00:24:45,125 --> 00:24:47,792
Eww...
658
00:24:47,792 --> 00:24:49,000
Also, I have a boyfriend.
659
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,083
You have a boyfriend?
Yeah, look at him, man.
660
00:24:51,083 --> 00:24:52,208
Hey.
Look at him.
661
00:24:52,208 --> 00:24:53,875
Good to meet you.
You seem like a good guy.
662
00:24:53,875 --> 00:24:56,083
He's really tall.
Yeah, he's real tall.
663
00:24:56,083 --> 00:25:00,041
Now that that's done,
can I get married now?
664
00:25:00,041 --> 00:25:01,250
Yay!
665
00:25:01,250 --> 00:25:03,417
Sorry, do you want me
to finish the song or are we--
666
00:25:03,417 --> 00:25:06,166
She doesn't like you!
Let it go!
667
00:25:06,166 --> 00:25:07,417
I do.
668
00:25:07,417 --> 00:25:08,750
(cheering)
669
00:25:08,750 --> 00:25:09,750
Yeah, uncle Pat!
670
00:25:09,750 --> 00:25:11,708
Whoo!
We did it!
671
00:25:11,708 --> 00:25:13,750
One, two, three, four!
672
00:25:13,750 --> 00:25:17,250
(rock music playing)
673
00:25:18,875 --> 00:25:21,083
♪ You say I'm crazy ♪
674
00:25:21,083 --> 00:25:23,583
♪ You say I'm wild ♪
675
00:25:23,583 --> 00:25:25,542
♪ You say I'm lazy ♪
676
00:25:25,542 --> 00:25:27,875
♪ Like a little child, yeah ♪
677
00:25:27,875 --> 00:25:30,375
♪ I'm just another animal ♪
678
00:25:30,375 --> 00:25:35,166
♪ I'm just another animal,
I'm just another animal ♪
679
00:25:35,166 --> 00:25:37,750
♪ I'm just another animal ♪
680
00:25:39,959 --> 00:25:42,083
Hey, guys,
great job today.
681
00:25:42,083 --> 00:25:43,583
Gotta say, five stars.
682
00:25:43,583 --> 00:25:47,291
(phone chimes)
Five-star review!
683
00:25:47,291 --> 00:25:48,291
Yes, dude!
684
00:25:48,291 --> 00:25:49,417
That's perfection.
685
00:25:49,417 --> 00:25:50,917
Get on my shoulders,
little guy.
686
00:25:50,917 --> 00:25:53,208
Hehehe! I like it!
Whoa!
687
00:25:53,208 --> 00:25:54,583
Hey, Sandy.
688
00:25:54,583 --> 00:25:57,208
Wow, Mike,
looking good.
689
00:25:57,208 --> 00:26:00,041
Thanks. Hey,
would you wanna dance?
690
00:26:00,041 --> 00:26:02,000
With me?
Mm-hmm. Just like as cousins.
691
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:02,959
Like, it'd be funny.
692
00:26:02,959 --> 00:26:04,625
Oh, I don't--
You want to cut in?
693
00:26:04,625 --> 00:26:06,458
You know, Joshua, I--
It's cool with me.
694
00:26:06,458 --> 00:26:08,333
Oh, he--
Okay, sure. Sure.
695
00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:09,625
Yeah. Thank you.
696
00:26:09,625 --> 00:26:11,917
Who am I to say two cousins
shouldn't dance together?
697
00:26:11,917 --> 00:26:14,583
So, what do you think
you and me...
698
00:26:14,583 --> 00:26:16,959
Oh, no. It still feels
like incest. I'm so sorry.
699
00:26:16,959 --> 00:26:19,041
Okay, everybody,
let's get in for a picture.
700
00:26:19,041 --> 00:26:21,125
Come on,
tall people in the back,
701
00:26:21,125 --> 00:26:22,583
short people in the front.
Get in close.
702
00:26:22,583 --> 00:26:24,417
Here we go.
All right, squeeze in.
703
00:26:24,417 --> 00:26:26,917
Joshua, get closer.
I need to feel you next to me.
704
00:26:26,917 --> 00:26:28,000
I love you so much.
705
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:29,500
Well, what do you
say, Mikey?
706
00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:31,333
Another adventure
on the books, huh?
707
00:26:31,333 --> 00:26:34,625
I'm just glad we got
through it together, you know?
708
00:26:34,625 --> 00:26:35,834
I love you, bro.
709
00:26:35,834 --> 00:26:37,708
Hey, Phil?
What?
710
00:26:37,708 --> 00:26:40,500
(chuckles)
Honestly, it feels
good every time.
711
00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:44,125
And also, why are you dressed up
like Ellen DeGeneres?
712
00:26:44,125 --> 00:26:45,083
All right, here we go.
713
00:26:45,083 --> 00:26:46,625
Mason:
Say cheese.
Okay, I will.
714
00:26:46,625 --> 00:26:48,083
Everybody say cheese.
Come on, take it.
715
00:26:48,083 --> 00:26:49,166
All: Cheese!
716
00:26:49,166 --> 00:26:51,708
(cheering)
717
00:26:51,708 --> 00:26:55,083
All right, I want to see that
pit fucking open up out there!
718
00:26:55,083 --> 00:26:56,250
It's time to get wild!
719
00:26:56,250 --> 00:26:57,667
Mason, you're
my little brother now,
720
00:26:57,667 --> 00:26:59,208
so I get to tell you
what's cool in music.
721
00:26:59,208 --> 00:27:01,834
Ty Segall's the fucking truth!
He's fucking wild!
722
00:27:01,834 --> 00:27:05,041
Grandma, I wanna see you
fucking headwalk, let's go!
723
00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:09,208
♪ I need nuts,
I need nuts ♪
724
00:27:09,208 --> 00:27:12,708
♪ I'm just a squirrel,
yeah, I need nuts ♪
725
00:27:12,708 --> 00:27:16,792
♪ I need nuts,
I need nuts ♪
726
00:27:16,792 --> 00:27:19,875
♪ I'm just a squirrel,
yeah, I need nuts ♪
727
00:27:19,875 --> 00:27:22,834
♪ I need nuts for lunch ♪
728
00:27:35,542 --> 00:27:39,333
♪ ♪
729
00:28:11,375 --> 00:28:13,583
Mason:
Doop, doop, doobidy-doo.
730
00:28:13,583 --> 00:28:15,417
Doo-doo-doo-doop,
doopidy-doo.
731
00:28:15,417 --> 00:28:17,542
Doop, doop, doop, doo.
732
00:28:17,542 --> 00:28:18,917
Doop-doop, doop-doop-doo.
733
00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:26,917
♪ (SLOW RHYTHMIC DRUMMING) ♪
734
00:28:27,291 --> 00:28:28,458
(CAR HORN HONKING)
735
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:34,125
(MURMURS)
736
00:28:35,375 --> 00:28:36,291
(GRUNTS)
737
00:28:37,834 --> 00:28:39,834
♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪
54069
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