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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:06,704 [Theme music] 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:14,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 3 00:00:43,475 --> 00:00:45,500 HANK: Peggy? PEGGY: I'm in my office. 4 00:00:45,778 --> 00:00:46,802 HANK: Peggy? 5 00:00:47,546 --> 00:00:49,946 Peggy, I've got a situation here. 6 00:00:52,551 --> 00:00:54,883 Oh, Hank, is it your back again? 7 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,385 Why won't you wear that weightlifting belt I got you for Christmas? 8 00:00:58,457 --> 00:01:00,755 It's not a belt. It's a girdle. 9 00:01:00,859 --> 00:01:03,020 Take off your shirt. I'll get the Icy Hot. 10 00:01:06,465 --> 00:01:07,489 [Groans] 11 00:01:07,566 --> 00:01:08,828 Icy! Icy! 12 00:01:09,668 --> 00:01:10,692 [Sighing] 13 00:01:10,769 --> 00:01:11,827 Hot. 14 00:01:12,604 --> 00:01:14,731 All right. Okay. 15 00:01:15,641 --> 00:01:18,769 - Hey. - Peggy! Not in front of the B-O-Y. 16 00:01:18,911 --> 00:01:21,311 I need both of you to sign this permission slip. 17 00:01:21,380 --> 00:01:23,575 All righty. What's it for, son? 18 00:01:23,916 --> 00:01:27,113 Contact football? No, you're not old enough for that. 19 00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:28,479 Ringworm test? 20 00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:31,147 What? Sexual Education? 21 00:01:31,623 --> 00:01:34,183 - Where'd you get this? - I told you. At school. 22 00:01:34,259 --> 00:01:37,786 I thought we didn't have to worry about this until 9th grade health class. 23 00:01:37,863 --> 00:01:40,855 No. The principal wants to teach us a unit from some course... 24 00:01:40,933 --> 00:01:42,628 they made up in Washington, DC. 25 00:01:42,701 --> 00:01:45,192 Washington? Bobby, go to your room. 26 00:01:48,207 --> 00:01:49,731 Well, what are we gonna do? 27 00:01:49,808 --> 00:01:52,971 Here's the first thing I'm gonna do, I'll tell you what. 28 00:01:53,045 --> 00:01:57,379 There. No need for Bobby to get all bothered up learning about sex... 29 00:01:57,449 --> 00:02:00,612 when he can't do a damn thing about it anyway, at his age... 30 00:02:00,686 --> 00:02:02,449 and with his features. 31 00:02:03,088 --> 00:02:06,057 Besides, it is not up to the United States government... 32 00:02:06,125 --> 00:02:08,320 to be teaching Bobby the facts of life. 33 00:02:08,460 --> 00:02:10,018 That's his parents' job. 34 00:02:10,095 --> 00:02:13,690 I agree. If anybody should teach our boy about that... 35 00:02:13,932 --> 00:02:15,957 it should be his parents. 36 00:02:16,035 --> 00:02:19,372 Something like that should be taught in the home. 37 00:02:19,505 --> 00:02:21,029 Where he lives. 38 00:02:21,374 --> 00:02:22,739 Absolutely. 39 00:02:22,842 --> 00:02:24,104 Yes siree. 40 00:02:27,713 --> 00:02:29,408 Well, you're the expert. 41 00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:33,575 Substitute Teacher of the Year 1996, as I recall. 42 00:02:33,853 --> 00:02:36,287 Oh, Hank, I'm also a decent woman. 43 00:02:37,790 --> 00:02:39,917 I got my back out here, Peg. 44 00:02:41,060 --> 00:02:42,425 [Peggy sighing angrily] 45 00:02:43,062 --> 00:02:44,859 [Barney & Friends on TV] 46 00:02:44,930 --> 00:02:45,954 [Knocking] 47 00:02:46,031 --> 00:02:47,191 PEGGY: Bobby? 48 00:02:49,668 --> 00:02:51,158 Bobby, honey. 49 00:02:52,438 --> 00:02:55,464 What do you know about sexual relations? 50 00:02:55,875 --> 00:02:58,309 I don't know. Nothing much. 51 00:02:59,478 --> 00:03:01,969 I'm a little worried about being a slut. 52 00:03:02,081 --> 00:03:03,070 [Murmurs] 53 00:03:03,749 --> 00:03:08,311 Well, Bobby, your father and I decided that as your parents... 54 00:03:08,888 --> 00:03:12,415 that you and I should have a little talk on the subject. 55 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:15,625 You have noticed, I am sure, that... 56 00:03:16,061 --> 00:03:19,656 there are some pretty big differences between boys and girls. 57 00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:22,634 I'm sure you know that. 58 00:03:23,569 --> 00:03:27,130 I mean, physically, boys are, well, they're different. 59 00:03:28,607 --> 00:03:31,440 They have something that girls do not have. 60 00:03:32,278 --> 00:03:33,370 Yeah. 61 00:03:33,712 --> 00:03:36,704 You know, something... 62 00:03:37,683 --> 00:03:39,310 You mean, a penis? 63 00:03:45,758 --> 00:03:47,692 I didn't take Sex Ed in school. 64 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,558 HANK: Come on, Boomhauer, if you're gonna prune, prune. 65 00:03:50,663 --> 00:03:54,690 The army taught me everything, and in four different languages, too. 66 00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:57,395 Want to know how to get a bargirl in the Philippines? 67 00:03:57,470 --> 00:04:01,770 The point is, there is no way my son is learning the how-tos of romance... 68 00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:04,742 from some bureaucrat regulatory handbook. 69 00:04:04,810 --> 00:04:08,041 Tu-mai-ho, or something like that. 70 00:04:08,113 --> 00:04:11,082 And, Dale, I'd say the same applies to your Joseph. 71 00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:13,675 I'd tear that permission slip up, if I were you. 72 00:04:13,752 --> 00:04:15,549 I'll do that and then some. 73 00:04:15,621 --> 00:04:18,055 This Sex Ed stuff goes higher than the schools. 74 00:04:18,123 --> 00:04:22,150 It's that same old clubberone zero-population bulldink... 75 00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:24,492 that the UN's been trying for years. 76 00:04:24,563 --> 00:04:26,997 [Muttering] Tell you what. This branch is fixing to... 77 00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:30,058 it's going, it's going to be... Y'all, heads up! 78 00:04:31,136 --> 00:04:34,902 They want to whittle us down so we can't keep a standing army. 79 00:04:34,974 --> 00:04:37,807 That's when the Chinese'll come marching in. 80 00:04:38,110 --> 00:04:42,046 All I'm saying is, keep the government out of the bedroom business. 81 00:04:42,181 --> 00:04:45,173 Teaching my boy the facts of life is my job. 82 00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:47,651 DALE: Damn straight. BILL: You got that right. 83 00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:49,752 Hank, I couldn't get the words out. 84 00:04:49,822 --> 00:04:53,417 Oh, you didn't send her in to do a man's job, did you? 85 00:04:53,726 --> 00:04:54,715 Well, l... 86 00:04:54,793 --> 00:04:57,523 Maybe you should let Boomhauer teach him what he knows. 87 00:04:57,596 --> 00:05:01,054 [Muttering] You talk about them dang old condom dispenser with them be. 88 00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:03,897 Put in 50 cents. And they try to hit that corner... 89 00:05:03,969 --> 00:05:06,938 turn and bang on that thing, and talking about her needs. 90 00:05:07,706 --> 00:05:11,301 God, no, that's all right. I guess I'll do it. 91 00:05:11,710 --> 00:05:13,735 My daddy told me the facts of life... 92 00:05:13,812 --> 00:05:16,542 when I was Bobby's age, and I turned out okay. 93 00:05:19,385 --> 00:05:20,909 Yeehaw! 94 00:05:20,986 --> 00:05:22,510 What you crying for, boy? 95 00:05:22,588 --> 00:05:24,988 This is a good show. This is a damn good show. 96 00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:26,313 Yeah. 97 00:05:26,525 --> 00:05:29,460 That's also how he taught me about paying taxes. 98 00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:34,694 Well, there used to be a dairy farm out here somewhere. 99 00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:36,325 Oh, there we go. 100 00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:41,430 Gracie, this is Mr. Hill. 101 00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,438 Brought his son over to learn the facts of life. 102 00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:46,842 GRACIE: Well, he sure came to the right place. 103 00:05:46,912 --> 00:05:49,540 We call this machine the Matchmaker 500. 104 00:05:49,748 --> 00:05:51,238 [Generator humming] 105 00:05:51,317 --> 00:05:56,152 Bobby, you're coming to a time in your life when you're gonna start... 106 00:05:56,221 --> 00:05:58,849 to have tender feelings for a girl. 107 00:05:59,725 --> 00:06:02,387 You're gonna need to know what those feelings mean... 108 00:06:02,461 --> 00:06:04,361 and what to do about them. 109 00:06:05,130 --> 00:06:06,597 [Mooing] 110 00:06:07,733 --> 00:06:09,098 Oh, my God! 111 00:06:09,735 --> 00:06:12,226 Where's the other half of that dang permission slip? 112 00:06:12,304 --> 00:06:14,465 I'm sure they'll do a good job at school. 113 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,770 The health teacher is a trained professional. 114 00:06:17,176 --> 00:06:18,165 Keep digging. 115 00:06:21,013 --> 00:06:24,915 Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore about that Sex Ed stuff. 116 00:06:25,150 --> 00:06:26,640 What do you mean? 117 00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:31,156 All you gotta know is, I took care of it with one little phone call. 118 00:06:31,590 --> 00:06:33,080 [Chuckling] 119 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,227 Hey, Peg Leg. 120 00:06:36,862 --> 00:06:38,523 That was Bobby's principal. 121 00:06:38,597 --> 00:06:42,533 Some right-wing maniac called the health teacher with a death threat and she quit. 122 00:06:42,601 --> 00:06:43,659 Oh, well. 123 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:46,500 I'm sure it was just some harmless nutcase. 124 00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:53,276 Hey, on the bright side, since there's no one to teach that Sex Ed course... 125 00:06:53,345 --> 00:06:56,246 we can put all this ugliness back in the closet. 126 00:06:56,315 --> 00:06:58,476 Oh, no, Hank. They found someone. 127 00:06:58,550 --> 00:07:01,417 They found the Substitute Teacher of the Year. 128 00:07:02,187 --> 00:07:03,814 1995? 129 00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:05,921 1996. 130 00:07:11,030 --> 00:07:13,396 PEGGY: Oh, my. Oh, Lord. 131 00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:15,557 For goodness' sake. 132 00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:20,097 This beauty school homework is hard, Aunt Peggy. 133 00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:22,739 LUANNE: Aunt Peggy? 134 00:07:23,409 --> 00:07:26,708 Oh, I'm sorry, Luanne, I was not paying attention. 135 00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:31,409 Listen to this chapter title. "The 14 Stages of Arousal." 136 00:07:31,717 --> 00:07:33,742 And then you turn the page, it... 137 00:07:33,919 --> 00:07:36,717 Oh, my goodness! Is that C. Everett Koop? 138 00:07:36,989 --> 00:07:40,425 That must be an old book, because now there's 18 stages. 139 00:07:40,492 --> 00:07:41,686 Oh, my. 140 00:07:41,827 --> 00:07:44,990 How am I gonna say these words out loud in front of a class? 141 00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:46,053 Let me see. 142 00:07:46,732 --> 00:07:51,465 "Self-exploration is a perfectly natural exercise throughout pubescence." 143 00:07:52,037 --> 00:07:53,436 What's so hard about that? 144 00:07:53,505 --> 00:07:58,442 Luanne, honey, tell me, what is it like to live without shame of any kind? 145 00:07:58,911 --> 00:08:00,708 Is it a good feeling? 146 00:08:01,747 --> 00:08:03,874 Yeah, it is. 147 00:08:04,116 --> 00:08:05,845 I guess I am a little jealous. 148 00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:08,148 Things were very different when I was a girl. 149 00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:11,783 Honey, you're at that special time of life. 150 00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:15,354 The time when a little girl becomes a woman. 151 00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:18,394 And you start getting a monthly visitor. 152 00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,355 Who? Uncle Joe? 153 00:08:21,967 --> 00:08:25,061 My mother gave me this, and I'm passing it on to you. 154 00:08:25,971 --> 00:08:27,996 "The Loveliness of Woman." 155 00:08:29,475 --> 00:08:32,569 There's nothing in here but pictures of flowers. 156 00:08:33,011 --> 00:08:37,710 I never even kissed a boy until I was 20. Of course, he's dead now. 157 00:08:39,985 --> 00:08:43,819 Look. Here's a chapter on communicating your needs to your love partner. 158 00:08:43,889 --> 00:08:46,551 What kind of filth are you reading? 159 00:08:46,625 --> 00:08:48,559 LUANNE: It's Aunt Peggy's Sex Ed book. 160 00:08:48,627 --> 00:08:49,616 Say what? 161 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:52,721 Let me take a look at that. What in the hell? 162 00:08:53,232 --> 00:08:56,724 That is the inside of a womb. A woman's womb. 163 00:08:57,302 --> 00:09:00,430 My boy is not gonna look at the inside of a womb. 164 00:09:00,506 --> 00:09:02,838 He's only been out of yours for 11 years. 165 00:09:02,941 --> 00:09:04,966 I think I need some water. 166 00:09:05,210 --> 00:09:07,701 You want my Chandler or my Ross? 167 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,007 Can I shoot him full of BBs? 168 00:09:10,249 --> 00:09:12,376 - Okay. - Then Ross. 169 00:09:13,485 --> 00:09:15,214 You sure you don't want him? 170 00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:17,851 I'm not gonna need my toys anymore. 171 00:09:17,923 --> 00:09:20,915 After I learn Sex Ed, I'll be too busy dating. 172 00:09:21,393 --> 00:09:22,451 Who? 173 00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:26,965 I don't know. Whoever wants to have sex with me. 174 00:09:27,765 --> 00:09:30,393 HANK: Well, what do you think? A few more inches? 175 00:09:30,468 --> 00:09:32,868 You might as well. It's just gonna keep growing. 176 00:09:32,937 --> 00:09:36,065 - Well, so much for my phone call. - What are you talking about? 177 00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:40,133 DALE: They found some other depraved harlot to teach that Sex Ed class. 178 00:09:40,278 --> 00:09:42,212 - Dale... - Don't worry, Hank. 179 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,681 I know people who can take care of her, if you know what I mean. 180 00:09:45,750 --> 00:09:47,684 That woman is my wife. 181 00:09:47,752 --> 00:09:49,617 I thought Peggy was your wife. 182 00:09:49,687 --> 00:09:53,589 Dale, I think he's saying Peggy's the new Sex teacher. 183 00:10:00,665 --> 00:10:01,893 Yeah? What? 184 00:10:01,966 --> 00:10:04,526 - Nothing, I wasn't saying nothing. - Nothing at all. 185 00:10:04,602 --> 00:10:07,537 Nothing wrong with a little sexual education. 186 00:10:07,605 --> 00:10:12,008 No, sir, I bet Peggy'll be introducing some new ideas into the bedroom. 187 00:10:12,076 --> 00:10:13,008 Dale! 188 00:10:13,077 --> 00:10:16,604 I'm just saying, a woman who knows is the toughest customer. 189 00:10:16,681 --> 00:10:18,581 Maybe you ought to hit the books, too. 190 00:10:18,649 --> 00:10:20,617 HANK: What the hell is wrong with you all? 191 00:10:20,685 --> 00:10:22,983 Nothing, Hank. Just think. 192 00:10:23,087 --> 00:10:26,818 You'll be married to a woman who knows everything about sex. 193 00:10:27,158 --> 00:10:29,854 I've never been with a woman like that. 194 00:10:30,028 --> 00:10:32,223 Except, of course, a bargirl. 195 00:10:32,630 --> 00:10:34,825 Of course, I don't mean that... 196 00:10:34,899 --> 00:10:38,198 Peggy's a bargirl or nothing like that. 197 00:10:38,269 --> 00:10:40,863 She just knows, you know... 198 00:10:40,938 --> 00:10:43,133 what a bargirl knows. 199 00:10:46,411 --> 00:10:49,380 PEGGY: You know, there's a funny thing happening down at school. 200 00:10:49,447 --> 00:10:53,816 They want me to teach this Sex Ed stuff to our kids' class, you know. 201 00:10:53,885 --> 00:10:55,716 I don't know if I can overcome... 202 00:10:55,787 --> 00:10:58,278 the crippling sense of shame I got from my mother. 203 00:10:58,856 --> 00:11:00,289 We knew you wouldn't. 204 00:11:00,358 --> 00:11:04,294 Yeah, I've been telling people, Peggy Hill is not one of those teachers... 205 00:11:04,362 --> 00:11:08,230 that puts all of that intellectual hooey above common decency. 206 00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:13,936 Well, sometimes a little intellectual hooey is a good thing. 207 00:11:14,105 --> 00:11:16,733 Look. We all grew up not knowing the real words for... 208 00:11:16,808 --> 00:11:19,504 your "dinky" and your "woohoo," and we turned out fine. 209 00:11:19,577 --> 00:11:21,568 I learned about sex from my mother. 210 00:11:21,646 --> 00:11:24,843 She gave me that wonderful book, The Loveliness of Woman. 211 00:11:24,916 --> 00:11:27,749 - That book is worthless. - Well, I got a lot out of it. 212 00:11:27,819 --> 00:11:31,346 When my husband would crawl all over me at night and do his business... 213 00:11:31,422 --> 00:11:35,324 why, I would just close my eyes and think of them pretty flowers. 214 00:11:35,393 --> 00:11:37,554 Oh, Bonnie. You poor, poor woman. 215 00:11:39,597 --> 00:11:42,725 Hey, Bobby, your mom's gonna teach Sex Ed. 216 00:11:42,967 --> 00:11:44,434 Yeah, I know. 217 00:11:45,636 --> 00:11:48,036 We're gonna get to see her boobs. 218 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,064 So? 219 00:11:50,174 --> 00:11:51,334 HANK: Bobby, you're up. 220 00:11:51,409 --> 00:11:52,933 MAN: Come on, Bobby. 221 00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:56,544 Your dad lost his job. 222 00:11:58,216 --> 00:12:01,014 HANK: Run, Bobby! Run! Come on, run! 223 00:12:01,786 --> 00:12:04,619 Don't stop at first base, son! Go all the way, Bobby! 224 00:12:04,689 --> 00:12:08,125 PEGGY: Go all the way, honey! BOY: Yeah! Go all the way, you perv! 225 00:12:08,626 --> 00:12:10,116 [Crowd jeering] 226 00:12:13,030 --> 00:12:14,019 [Phone rings] 227 00:12:14,532 --> 00:12:15,556 Hello? 228 00:12:15,633 --> 00:12:19,467 MAN: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live. 229 00:12:19,537 --> 00:12:22,973 And if you teach that Sex Ed class, so help me, I'll... 230 00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:24,905 Dale, is that you? 231 00:12:25,276 --> 00:12:28,074 DALE: Oh, Hank. Can I speak with Peggy? 232 00:12:28,412 --> 00:12:30,710 Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale. 233 00:12:31,749 --> 00:12:32,738 Hello, Dale. 234 00:12:32,817 --> 00:12:36,685 DALE: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live. 235 00:12:38,523 --> 00:12:40,491 PEGGY: Boy, you should've heard Bonnie today. 236 00:12:40,558 --> 00:12:43,083 That woman has got one awful love life. 237 00:12:45,163 --> 00:12:46,528 Oh, my God. 238 00:12:47,265 --> 00:12:48,527 Hank, honey... 239 00:12:48,666 --> 00:12:51,567 would you like to rub some Pretty Feet and Hands on my back? 240 00:12:51,636 --> 00:12:54,503 Isn't that just for your feet and hands? 241 00:12:54,672 --> 00:12:57,607 Well, mainly. But you could use it everywhere. 242 00:12:57,675 --> 00:12:58,869 HANK: I'll pass. 243 00:12:58,943 --> 00:13:01,377 Well, how about if I put a little on your elbows? 244 00:13:01,445 --> 00:13:03,470 It'll moisturize and exfoliate. 245 00:13:03,548 --> 00:13:07,075 My elbows are fine. You never complained about 'em before. 246 00:13:07,185 --> 00:13:11,519 It's just that it's so nice and cooling. It makes your elbows smooth. 247 00:13:11,656 --> 00:13:16,093 What? Where in the hell are my elbows gonna be that they need to be smooth? 248 00:13:16,294 --> 00:13:20,594 Honey, I just thought it would be nice, for later, for us to be all smooth. 249 00:13:21,032 --> 00:13:24,160 I don't mean to be rude or nothing, but I'll pass. 250 00:13:25,102 --> 00:13:28,128 Look, Hank Hill, I did not ask to teach this class. 251 00:13:28,206 --> 00:13:30,436 But I am a substitute teacher. 252 00:13:30,508 --> 00:13:34,205 That means I have to be prepared to go wherever they need teachers most... 253 00:13:34,278 --> 00:13:37,611 at any hour of the day or night, and teach anything! 254 00:13:37,682 --> 00:13:40,879 From Gym to Home Ec! I took an oath, darn it! 255 00:13:40,952 --> 00:13:42,044 Excuse me. 256 00:13:42,119 --> 00:13:45,816 And if I start to pick and choose, the whole system just breaks down. 257 00:13:45,890 --> 00:13:48,586 Yeah, well, you weren't too proud to pick and choose... 258 00:13:48,659 --> 00:13:51,389 when you had those Randy Travis tickets. 259 00:13:51,462 --> 00:13:55,762 Oh, no. Those poor little kids never did get to make their clay ashtrays. 260 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,936 Well, they're damn sure gonna know the 18 stages of arousal... 261 00:14:00,037 --> 00:14:02,801 because Peggy Hill is gonna teach that class! 262 00:14:08,279 --> 00:14:11,544 PEGGY: This is a diagram of a woman's... 263 00:14:12,049 --> 00:14:14,244 [Peggy stuttering] 264 00:14:14,652 --> 00:14:17,212 Come on, Aunt Peggy. You can do it. 265 00:14:17,288 --> 00:14:18,812 A woman's... 266 00:14:19,123 --> 00:14:20,613 [Sawing] 267 00:14:20,691 --> 00:14:22,215 [Grunting] 268 00:14:23,894 --> 00:14:26,419 This is a man's... 269 00:14:26,497 --> 00:14:28,055 [Stuttering] 270 00:14:45,483 --> 00:14:47,383 Well, what do you think? 271 00:14:47,852 --> 00:14:49,319 Nice and clean. 272 00:14:49,387 --> 00:14:53,153 But I think old Sigmund Freud might have a thing or two to say about it. 273 00:14:53,224 --> 00:14:54,282 What? 274 00:14:54,358 --> 00:14:55,586 HANK: Oh, no! 275 00:14:57,695 --> 00:15:00,630 Happiness. Ha-penis. 276 00:15:01,966 --> 00:15:03,797 Ha-penis. 277 00:15:04,835 --> 00:15:06,234 Ha-penis. 278 00:15:08,472 --> 00:15:09,461 Penis. 279 00:15:10,641 --> 00:15:12,302 I did it! 280 00:15:12,376 --> 00:15:13,400 Ovaries. 281 00:15:14,445 --> 00:15:15,776 Uvula. 282 00:15:16,781 --> 00:15:17,770 Uterus. 283 00:15:18,449 --> 00:15:20,076 PEGGY: Vagina! 284 00:15:22,153 --> 00:15:23,780 Hey, Hank, I just said... 285 00:15:23,854 --> 00:15:26,687 I heard you. The whole neighborhood can hear you cussin'! 286 00:15:26,757 --> 00:15:29,726 It's not cussin' to say the name of a God-given body part. 287 00:15:29,794 --> 00:15:32,627 It is if it's a part of the body that was meant to be... 288 00:15:32,697 --> 00:15:34,289 concealed by an undergarment. 289 00:15:34,365 --> 00:15:37,562 You're dealing with organs that people don't want to know about. 290 00:15:37,635 --> 00:15:39,296 Bobby ought to know about 'em. 291 00:15:39,370 --> 00:15:41,861 We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did. 292 00:15:41,939 --> 00:15:44,635 Sure, we do. I'm drawing the line here, Peggy. 293 00:15:44,709 --> 00:15:47,678 My son is not gonna learn this crazy crap. 294 00:15:47,745 --> 00:15:52,182 It says here, he can't take the class without permission of both his parents. 295 00:15:52,249 --> 00:15:53,580 Now just hold on. 296 00:15:53,651 --> 00:15:56,745 Are you saying I am not good enough to teach my own son? 297 00:15:56,821 --> 00:15:59,949 If you do not approve, you do not have to sign. 298 00:16:00,024 --> 00:16:02,754 And I do not approve. Permission denied. 299 00:16:04,428 --> 00:16:06,760 Damn strapping tape! 300 00:16:14,505 --> 00:16:17,497 Come on, Bobby. You're coming to work with me. 301 00:16:24,982 --> 00:16:26,006 [Buzzing] 302 00:16:26,083 --> 00:16:27,243 PEGGY: Oh, my. 303 00:16:32,857 --> 00:16:34,722 No, Mr. Hudson. 304 00:16:34,792 --> 00:16:37,219 We don't recommend using propane to fill party balloons. 305 00:16:37,229 --> 00:16:38,696 We don't recommend using propane to fill party balloons. 306 00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:43,699 Yeah, it is a gas. But it's in a liquid state. 307 00:16:44,302 --> 00:16:47,533 But you might want to blow out those candles. 308 00:16:47,906 --> 00:16:49,806 I'm gonna have to call you back. 309 00:16:49,908 --> 00:16:53,366 Bobby, hey, that's my work. Now just sit still, okay? 310 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,840 What do you think Mom's telling all those guys? 311 00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:01,977 I don't know. I don't want to know. Just try not to think about it. 312 00:17:02,887 --> 00:17:03,876 Okay. 313 00:17:06,157 --> 00:17:08,284 What do you think Mom's saying to 'em? 314 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,921 I said not to think about it. Think about something else. 315 00:17:12,397 --> 00:17:13,386 Okay. 316 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,530 Dad, do you ever have sex anymore? 317 00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:20,535 [Hank stuttering] 318 00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:26,336 Well, come on, Bobby, can't you think of something pleasant? 319 00:17:29,047 --> 00:17:32,107 What do you think Mom's telling all those guys? 320 00:17:32,517 --> 00:17:34,280 [Students chattering] 321 00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:48,059 PEGGY: Good morning, class. Today we're gonna discuss human relations. 322 00:17:48,199 --> 00:17:49,496 Otherwise known as... 323 00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:53,069 human relations. 324 00:17:53,371 --> 00:17:55,100 I am your substitute teacher. 325 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,639 My name is Peggy Hill. 326 00:17:58,143 --> 00:18:01,169 Okey-dokey. Any questions so far? 327 00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:05,073 - Dad? - What? 328 00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:08,184 I just wanted to say, you don't have to worry about me... 329 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,244 because I'm never gonna have sex. 330 00:18:10,322 --> 00:18:12,552 Oh, Bobby! Now don't say that! 331 00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:14,555 I thought that's what you wanted. 332 00:18:14,626 --> 00:18:18,062 Well, yes, if you were my daughter. But you're my son. 333 00:18:19,464 --> 00:18:23,195 Why is it not okay for girls, but it's okay for boys? 334 00:18:23,601 --> 00:18:25,694 It's called the double standard, Bobby. 335 00:18:25,770 --> 00:18:29,171 Don't knock it. We got the long end of the stick on that one. 336 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:33,506 I see. That's why Mom's bad for talking about sex. 337 00:18:34,245 --> 00:18:38,113 Bobby, look, just because your mom's been using those words... 338 00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:41,812 doesn't mean she's bad. She's just trying to do her job. 339 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:45,120 Give the kids the proper names for things. 340 00:18:45,623 --> 00:18:48,956 Imagine how hard that is for your mother, trying to teach... 341 00:18:49,127 --> 00:18:51,288 a roomful of snickering 5th-graders... 342 00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:54,025 the difference between a boy and a girl's... 343 00:18:54,532 --> 00:18:56,193 you know, hook-ups. 344 00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:01,271 That woman's got a lot of guts, I'll tell you what. 345 00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:04,807 That's Mrs. Peggy Hill. 346 00:19:05,643 --> 00:19:09,170 H-l-L-L. 347 00:19:09,948 --> 00:19:13,975 You can call me Mrs. Hill, you can call me Peggy or Peggy Hill. 348 00:19:16,087 --> 00:19:18,920 [Whispering] Okay. Come on, Peggy Hill. You can do this. 349 00:19:20,925 --> 00:19:23,189 Okay, today's subject... 350 00:19:26,297 --> 00:19:27,696 Just have a seat. 351 00:19:27,766 --> 00:19:31,497 I'm sure your teacher can tell you everything you need to know. 352 00:19:31,669 --> 00:19:36,402 She was Substitute Teacher of the Year, 1996, I understand. 353 00:19:39,711 --> 00:19:41,941 All right, class. Let's do it. 354 00:19:42,013 --> 00:19:44,174 Today I'm gonna teach you Sex Ed. 355 00:19:44,282 --> 00:19:46,045 It's difficult subject matter. 356 00:19:46,117 --> 00:19:48,381 But if we approach it with common sense... 357 00:19:48,453 --> 00:19:51,786 I believe we might learn something that could enrich our lives. 358 00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:55,551 But before we begin, please bring your permission slips up to my desk. 359 00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:58,858 Those whose parents did not give you permission to learn with me... 360 00:19:58,930 --> 00:20:01,364 you can read for an hour in the school library. 361 00:20:01,466 --> 00:20:04,094 - Sorry, Peggy. - Sorry, Mrs. Peggy Hill. 362 00:20:06,638 --> 00:20:08,970 BOBBY: Looks like it's just you and me, Mom. 363 00:20:09,474 --> 00:20:10,805 Okay, son. 364 00:20:11,009 --> 00:20:15,469 Well, let's begin with the difference between boys and girls. 365 00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:17,942 You mean the penis? 366 00:20:18,049 --> 00:20:19,573 Yes, the penis. 367 00:20:22,620 --> 00:20:24,986 Hello? Bobby? 368 00:20:25,924 --> 00:20:28,688 Luanne? Well, is anybody home? 369 00:20:29,394 --> 00:20:30,656 Where is everybody? 370 00:20:30,728 --> 00:20:33,993 I sent the kids off to see a double feature. 371 00:20:35,366 --> 00:20:37,766 [Romantic country music playing] 372 00:20:38,903 --> 00:20:40,768 May I have this dance? 373 00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:45,540 Smooth elbows, Peg. 374 00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:49,138 I seem to recall you kind of like being dipped. 375 00:20:49,214 --> 00:20:51,341 Oh, Hank. Watch your back. 376 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,883 Good as ever. 377 00:20:54,452 --> 00:20:55,783 [Yelling in pain] 378 00:20:55,954 --> 00:20:56,943 [Crash] 379 00:20:57,121 --> 00:20:58,383 HANK: Are you okay? 380 00:20:58,490 --> 00:20:59,479 PEGGY: Uh-huh. 381 00:20:59,557 --> 00:21:02,583 HANK: Well, as long as we're down here... 382 00:21:02,861 --> 00:21:04,294 [Giggling] 383 00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:07,796 [Phone ringing] 384 00:21:11,035 --> 00:21:14,095 PEGGY ON MACHINE: Hello. You have reached the Hill residence. 385 00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:15,901 Please leave a message at the tone. 386 00:21:15,974 --> 00:21:16,963 [Beep] 387 00:21:17,075 --> 00:21:19,100 DALE: You don't know who I am. 388 00:21:19,310 --> 00:21:22,541 But I know where you live, Sex Ed teacher. 389 00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:26,411 And you better cut it out if you know what's good for you. 390 00:21:27,785 --> 00:21:32,688 Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee-off time to 3:00. See ya. 391 00:21:39,563 --> 00:21:41,588 [Theme music] 392 00:21:42,305 --> 00:21:48,892 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org 30882

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