Original subtitles

So, how are we going to organize the sleeping?

We lie down, we shutting our eyes and be sleeping.

Svetlana, you are amazingly beautiful.

Thank you. - Can I pee somewhere?

Ok. - (Chain jangles)

Thanks. Oh...

Oh. Oh, uh... (clears throat)

(opens toilet)

Can I just get a little bit of privacy?

Why? Do you think I never before seen peeing?

No, it's not that. Of course...

l've seen bigger ones and littler ones.

- Ah, thank you. - You brush your teeth?

Ah, I didn't get a brush. l'll get one in the morning.

Here. - (Toilet flushes)

No, that's okay. - I no sick.

It's not that. I just...

Don't be pussy. - Ok.

Good.

(spits)

(both spit)

(phone ringing)

- Hello. - It's me. It's eleven òclock.

Well, Jody never told me you were so punctual.

(laughs)

- Teasing me again. -

And? - l've had a long day

and l'm not my best at this time of night.

I think if wè re gonna get together,

I should be at my best.

Oh, so yoùre saving the worst for the last?

Well, yeah, you could say that.

- So, yoùre bailing on me? - No. Not... l'm not...

- Yoùre jilting me? - No, l'm not jilting...

Yoùre stiffing me. Yoùre ghosting me.

Yoùre wimping out, whatever.

It's late. l'm tired.

Best I call you tomorrow and make a date then.

Well, don't call too early

because you know, I do have archery class.

Ha.

Was that a "ha"?

Um, yeah, it was.

Listen, very carefully.

Find another "ha," put the two together,

and you got yourself a laugh.

Very funny. Yeah. l'll practice that.

(chuckles) Ok.

So, what time should I call you?

Oh, 10:36.

Oh. I think l'm busy at 10:36, but...

I might have a gap at 10:37.

Yeah. Ha. - (Phone disconnects)

(chuckles)

(pounding on door)

(man) Olga.

Shit. - What?

Quick. - (Man) Olga.

- Coming. - (man) Open the fucking door.

- (man) Open the door. - Coming. l'm coming.

Coming.

Olga, why do you not open the freaking door?

I was asleep, what you think?

Take a pee.

Ugh. Ah.

What's the problem? Who is that?

Get under the bed. Very sorry.

(toilet flushing)

Come here, my little pirogue.

Yoùre drunk. Go home.

Ah, gimme kiss.

I have no kisses for drunk people.

Kisses. Come on.

(Olga) Wè ve been over this...

(slap) - (Zhopa) Oh.

(Olga) Not open for business.

(Zhopa) Please, gimme me big hug.

(Olga arguing indistinctly)

(Zhopa) You open.

(Olga) It's not even open for discussion.

It wasn't history that called them the Minutemen,

it was their wives.

(laughs)

Are you a Yankees fan?

What's the difference between a Yankee and a baby?

A baby stops crying after a while.

Boom. Got him.

(laughs)

Oh, Victor. Victor, left, left, left, left.

(passengers gasp)

(sighs) Um, sorry about that, I thought I saw someone I knew.

Well, actually, I have a question.

Have any of you seen, um...

a girl with a glass slipper tattoo on her neck?

Asking because she actually did one of my tours, and...

She was real magical. She had a wonderful smile.

Shè s about this tall.

She left this.

(ducks quacking)

All right, so, yes, if you see the tavern over there,

Betty Ross actually drew the first image

of the American flag

on a cocktail napkin. What.

Yoo-hoo.

(bangs) - Ah. What?

Is safe.

Hè s gone? - Yes.

Come out.

Who the hell was that?

Nobody. - Nobody?

Nobody. - Is that a wig?

- No, it's my hair. - But yoùre a brunette.

No, that is wig. That's classier for the TV show.

Ooh.

You have a roommate? - No.

You have to be at work today?

No, maybe tonight, later.

You have night court?

No, I haven't been to that one since last year.

What kind of law do you practice again?

No practice. I was arrested.

For what? - Dancing.

Yoùre a dancer? - Yes.

Ballet? - No.

Broadway? - Exotic.

Stripper? - Exotic.

- So, yoùre not Svetlana? - Just for the TV show.

- And yoùre not Natasha? - Just for the dancing.

Of course, for the dancing.

Yoùre blonde, not a brunette.

Not a lawyer, but a stripper, and Zhopa is your pimp.

Do not say that.

I am a dancer, not a hooker.

l'm sorry. l'm just trying to figure it out.

Zhopa is managing club where l'm working.

Hè s dangerous person.

Zhopa mafia?

No.

Yes.

Perfect.

We can no let him knowing about this.

Or hè ll kill you? - Us.

Olga. (Scoffs)

Olga, did you ever consider the very slight possibility

that he might find out about us

when the show goes on television all over America?

No. - l'm getting out of here.

I am so screwed. What were you thinking?

I was thinking that I winning the money

and escaping away. A million dollars.

Maybe you no needing it, but I am. I am.

I need it too, badly.

l'm a gambler.

I owe some bad guys some very large amounts of money.

And if I don't get it, l'm dead.

So, if I quit, they kill me.

And if I stay, your guy kills me.

(knock on door) - Yes?

Hi.

Can I help you? - l'm Jessie.

I ran into you, yesterday, out front of the church.

Oh.

Yes, how could I forget?

Must be the concussion.

Yeah, I am really sorry about that. Are you okay?

Still alive.

Hanging on by my fingernails.

(door closes)

So, l'm the new planner for Liz and Robert's wedding.

What?

You?

I did tell them you should do it.

Yeah, well, I should. But l'm not.

So, how can I help you?

Well, l'm very glad to hear therè s no hard feelings.

(scoffs) I didn't say that.

(chuckles)

So, I ran into a couple of slight hiccups

with your floor plan for the reception.

No worries. I redrew it.

Why? It's perfect.

Perfect, except,

there wasn't room for the band.

Well, there is no band.

Therè s a band.

No, my dear. (Sighs)

There is not a band, therè s a string quartet.

- There, in the corner.

Not anymore, it moved to the church for the ceremony.

Because?

Because therè s a band,

per the bride, for the reception.

It's on a big stage,

and there was no room for the stage.

So, the answer was really simple.

I just shifted the tables, slid the bar

and finally, got rid of that big thingy.

That big thingy is the centerpiece table.

Right. It was blocking everybody's view. So...

No, no, no, that is my signature.

What if we move it to the entrance

so that everyone sees it as they come in?

My dear, listen. Since this is your first,

and surely, your last opportunity

to be a wedding planner,

why don't you keep your amateur ideas to yourself

and let the professionals do it?

The layout is perfect. Wè re not gonna change anything.

Wè ll have no stage

and the centerpiece will stay exactly where it should be,

in... the... center.

Well, I just came from them, and this is what they want.

(laughs) Yeah.

You just run along, l'll talk to Robert.

Ok. I know you are a big famous deal,

and I am new at this.

However, this wedding is not about me.

It's certainly not about you.

Our job here, is to give the bride and groom

what they truly want. And if what they truly want

is a Buddhist monk on a trapeze singing "Stairway to Heaven,"

then that is what they should get. It's their day.

- Now, don't get hysterical. - (Jessie scoffs) Really?

Hysterical?

That's what this looks like to you, is hysterical?

Why? Because l'm a girl?

I don't get hysterical

and I don't lose, ever.

(paper rustling) - So...

l'm gonna make this work.

If you would like to work with me on it,

that would be great, otherwise, it's gonna be so much easier

now that I have figured out precisely where

you can shove your centerpiece.

(doorknob rattles)

It opens in.

That was my second option.

Wait. Wait.

Let me have another look at your plan.

Give it up. Give it up.

♪ The sign said danger Beware of thin ice ♪

♪ So, I walked out And closed my eyes ♪

♪ Safe and warm On the shoreline ♪

♪ So, why did I Walk out on thin ice? ♪

♪ Is that cracking I hear? ♪

♪ Is it drowning I fear? ♪

(speaking indistinctly)

(voice on phone app) Make a right turn now.

Good. Good.

l've got the door for you.

Thank you so much. Oh.

(Jordan) ♪ I could really get killed ♪

♪ l'm almost certain That l'll fall through ♪

- (loud crash) - - Oh. Oh, my. I... Oh.

(dog whimpers)

(Sara mutters) Oh, my...

Ah. So.

Lawrence. Oh, God. Thank goodness.

Thank God, at least I wrecked the right office.

It's only a couple of lamps.

Yeah, I... Oh.

Oh. Ah. - (Dog barks)

- And a painting. - Yoùd think that Teddy and I

would be better at this, but oh, no, we just...

we just keep banging into things.

But honestly, I will pay for this.

No, no, no. Nothing's broken.

Too many lamps anyway. (Chuckles)

So, I wasn't expecting you. What are you...

Well, 10:37, it came and went.

And then 10:38. So, you know what I did?

I brought us lunch.

Oh, God. I was supposed to call you.

That's right. You forgot. - l'm...

I never forget anything.

Well, I don't think you can ever say that again, can you?

l'm so angry at myself.

Isn't that my role as the victim, here?

Yes, well, yeah. Yes, you should be angry, too.

I was. But then, I did destroy your office,

so, wè re even.

Yes. (Chuckles) Suppose we are.

So, we could either, I don't know, eat here

or we could eat outside in the park?

Well, I think it might be safer in the park.

(both laugh) - Yoùre funny.

What is this?

Hang on. You guys wait outside.

Can't do that.

I got a shrink appointment here.

- Could you just wait outside? - Ah, no.

Look, this is private, personal.

And my doctor is very strict.

If I miss my appointment, l'll lose my slot.

Just give me an hour. - No.

Are you kidding me? - No.

This contract that you signed,

gives us complete and total 24-hour access to your life

for the duration of the show.

If, at any point, you deny us that access,

I have the right, and the obligation,

to set off the alarm,

thereby terminating your participation

in any and all future episodes of Coppie da schianto.

Ok. Good. Great, fine. Let's go.

I can explain.

- Hello... What's this? - I can explain.

Have you forgotten about our boundary rules?

- And you, who are you, sir? - Wè re not here.

Hiya. - This is highly irregular.

Dr. Offerman, they're fine.

l'm involved in this project,

so, normal session.

No secrets. Please. Let's just get going.

No secrets. Fine.

So, last week was clearly revealing.

- How much you pay him? - Seven hundred. Can we...

A month? - An hour.

- Fifty minutes, actually. - What? That's crazy.

My girlfriend hooker gets only three-fifty,

and she will screw you for the whole hour.

This is a bad idea. Doctor, l'll see you next week.

Ah, textbook avoidance.

Clearly, yoùre resisting examining

why you chose to bring a woman of this type here, today.

- What you mean by that? - Wè ve been exploring Jimmy's

sexuality issues. - This is not...

Sit, Jimmy. He doesn't having any issues.

(chuckles) Oh, I beg to differ.

There are numerous signs pointing to.

Jimmy's desire to explore his feminine side.

What? Now, l'm thinking that yoùre the mental case here.

(scoffs) You are hardly qualified.

l'm no qualified, I am stripper.

I can tell if guy is straight or homo,

when he pull into the parking lot.

- Please, let's just... - I know these things.

Now, let's get out of here.

You might examining why you sucking so hard on that pipe?

And don't try to charging Jimmy for this hour.

Wow. You stood up for me.

Of course. Yoùre a good man. Hè s Doctor Bullshit.

No one ever stands up for me.

Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.

Last night, when you and that guy were

- bouncing a lot, were you... - Oh. Were we doing it?

No, never. He can no do it.

He just hugging and breathing a lot and falling a-sleeping.

Oh, okay. Good. - Why?

Nothing. I just... Nothing.

Ehi, boss. - Yeah?

(Menny) Olga.

Stop.

(tires squeal)

Oh. Oh, dammit.

What? - Zhopa.

What's going on? - Ah. Oh.

Oh. - What the fuck is this?

I can explain. - Get in the car.

What is this?

- I-I-I-I... - Shut up. Get in the car.

- Stop that filming. - Wè re not actually here.

Let's go.

You didn't cut the camera, did you?

No way. - Great. Let's follow 'em.

(car engine revs)

(tires squeal)

(ducks quacking)

(gentle guitar strumming)

Yoùre quiet. You all right?

Oh, yes. l'm just enjoying...

The view. (Chuckles)

Whoa. Yoùre sure forgetful.

(chuckles) - And yoùre funny.

Yoùre changing.

Oh, no-no-no, don't say that. I hate change.

Change is horrible.

I don't know why everybody loves change.

How so? I don't understand?

I mean, everything. Take the telephone.

A hundred years ago, Alexander Graham Bell

invented it and it worked fine forall those years.

You pick it up, - Yeah.

And you talk to whoever. You make a date.

- You go to the movies, right? - Uh-huh.

Now... - Uh-huh, okay.

Some bright spark has invented the cell phone.

So, everybody, instead of watching the movie,

they're calling and texting and...

Well... - How can that...

How can that be better, that change, huh?

Well, that's fine, but too much order and routine

and, I don't know, it's like,

you lose the joy of chaos and randomness.

I would have thought you hated surprises.

Quite the opposite. You know what?

They make me feel... alive.

I love it.

(camera shutter clicks)

Are you taking my photograph?

I am.

(groans) Oh, God.

Why?

Because l'm a photographer. (Chuckles)

(laughing) How can you see what yoùre taking?

Well, of course, I don't.

I shoot what I hear.

(indistinct chatter, children playing)

What you hear? - Yeah.

You see, I wasn't always blind.

I was diagnosed when I was twenty,

with Neuromyelitis Optica.

And then, over the next seven years, my,

well, my vision deteriorated to the point where now,

(exhales) I can only, very vaguely, make out

traces of colorand light.

So, how do you see the photographs?

My friend describes each one to me.

And then I choose one.

And then I record what I heard

and how I felt the moment I took it.

Hm. - Mm-hmm.

Yoùre extraordinary.

Then the viewer walks up,

presses play, and gets to experience the moment

in the different ways we both do.

Like you and I, here?

Yeah. Yeah.

Like you and I, here.

(Jordan) ♪ Maybe this time Love is true ♪

♪ I can skate across with you ♪

♪ Maybe this thin ice Is thick enough for two ♪

♪ Maybe this thin ice Is thick enough for two ♪

(club music playing)

This is the craziest thing that I am hearing.

And you were there the night that I was visiting her?

No. I mean, yeah. I had to.

I didn't hear anything.

You thinking I am stupid?

I was under the bed, it was muffled.

Take off the chains, kill him.

No. You can no do this.

Get off, or I kill you, too.

No. This is a good man.

Are you loving him? - No.

Are you loving me? - Nyet. Never.

Kill them both.

Zhopa. We will losing one million dollars.

What? Say this again.

The prize is one million for the winning.

You heard of this show?

Da. On TBS, Monday nights at ten.

Funny show. Is Conan's lead-in.

Do I kill him?

(Zhopa) No.

We are partners now.

I am getting sixty percent of yours monies,

and eighty percent of yours.

Eighty? What? That's a terrible deal.

You not dying, and making a hundred thousand dollars

is great deal.

Well, yoùve got a gun to my head. Literally.

So, I agree.

Smart man. Now,

I am figuring out how we are winning this contest.

Go to work. - What? Stripping?

With this?

Is kinky. You make more monies.

Leave me alone.

(Gail) These modified World War II

amphibious vehicles

are a delightful must forall tourists.

The past and present of American history

are brought to life by conductors like Captain Richie.

Interesting fact, because part of the Boston Harbor

has been filled in, the actual site

of the Boston Tea Party is right over there.

And now it's a Starbucks.

(chuckles)

Captain Richie has been giving

hysterical historical tours for over ten years.

My jokes are older than most of these buildings.

So, after all these years of making people happy,

Richie fell in love with one of his passengers.

Instant lightning bolt love.

But therè s a problem.

(exhales) I don't know who or where she is.

Since they met, hè s been searching for his Cinderella.

The only clue is that she has a tattoo

of a glass slipper on her neck.

More than likely, shè s a tourist

whòs gone back home.

Never knowing that her true love could be right here.

Hmm. Ah. That's so sad.

Maybe not, because wè re romantics, here at Seven.

We love lovers.

So, this Saturday, wè re riding with Ritchie

to the Nashua Park steps on the Charles River.

So, if yoùre Cinderella, or if you know her,

please come join us at five òclock

to meet your Prince Charming.

Thanks, Gail.

And in baseball, the Sox had a big day.

Billy Gersh is here with highlights.

♪ I punch in this morning And checkin' my check ♪

♪ Short again ♪

♪ Man, what the heck? ♪

♪ They got me Working overtime ♪

♪ Every Saturday ♪

♪ That's wrong That's screwed up ♪

♪ Someonè s gotta pay ♪

♪ Let me tell you, Boss How it's gonna be ♪

♪ Workin' for you Ain't workin' for me ♪

What do you think? - They're great.

Right? Best bar band in town.

Lovèem.

♪ Let me tell you, Boss How it's gonna be ♪

♪ Workin' for you Ain't workin' for me. ♪

(cheers and applause)

Thank you, thank you, guys. Be back in ten.

(Mack) More like 15.

Ehi, Hi. l'm Jessie. - Mack.

l've been watching you guys for years.

- I love the band. - Thank you. Thank you.

My friend, Liz, at the bar over there,

is getting married soon,

and we were hoping to hire you guys to play the wedding.

Oh, we don't play weddings.

Well, it's really not a wedding, per se.

It's crazy party after a wedding.

We don't do wedding parties, either.

Hè s just saying that because he knows

he looks like a dork in a powder blue tuxedo.

We just don't play wedding songs like "Celebration."

Cool, I get why weddings could seem beneath you

- or cheesy or Tom Jones-y. - (Mack) Mm-hmm.

But this one is very different.

Uh-huh. Why?

Well, firstly, it's gonna be like,

"Oh, my God. Last night was crazy.

- "How did I wake up in Canada?" - (Mack chuckles)

"Where did I get this alligator?"

(laughs) - "The only thing I remember

is that band was amaze-balls."

And secondly, while I personally love

the song "Celebration", you don't have to play it.

Listen, it's...

it is my first gig as a wedding planner.

So, it has to be perfect.

And your band is beyond perfect.

So, you guys, pretty much, have to do it

under the universal laws of love and romance.

Universal law. (Laughs)

Hold on.

I will arm wrestle you fora yes.

Yoùll what?

Yoùre bigger than me, come on.

Look at those biceps. Seriously.

I win, I get a yes. You pin me, I walk.

Let you enjoy your evening.

I can't say yes without my partner.

Talk to your partner... What about your mommy?

Come on, you big baby.

All right. All right.

Ok.

One, two, three, go.

Damn, yoùre strong. (Laughs)

I really need a yes.

I really wanna give you that yes, but...

You don't have a choice.

(groans)

Ah. Whoo.

All right. No, I made a bet and I lost it.

Listen, this is my guitar arm.

It had superpowers. It's not fair.

Thank you for your consideration.

Did you get 'em? - Not happening.

It's okay, wè ll get somebody better.

- I thought they were the best. - They are.

I told you not to hire me.

(laughs) Well, here, these were to celebrate our new band,

but now wè ll just have to celebrate your firing. Hmm.

Oh, great. (Chuckles) Cheers to that.

Come on. Let's go find a new band.

(Lenny) Ah, I guess. I just... (chuckles)

I don't know a single musician that would take that gig, so...

Look, if it's that big of a deal,

it could be good for the band.

- We don't do weddings. - Yeah, but this is different.

Oh, my God. Mack,

at a wedding, no one cares who the band is.

Everyonè s drunk and they wanna dance.

And they're gonna ask for "Celebration"

until you play it.

And at that moment, yoùre officially over.

If you could just give us one second?

Wè ve played together since high school.

That's right.

Make all our decisions,

you and me, just the two of us.

She makes a good point, all right?

Don't get all bent out of shape.

l'm not, l'm not. I just don't wanna

miss out on an opportunity, you know?

Wè re kind of stuck here. We could use the money.

That's... - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yoùre not doing this for that chick in there though, right?

No.

Maybe. - (Both laugh)

All right. Cool.

(clinks)

And look, wè re not gonna play anything

from the "Kool and the Gang" catalog. Relax, okay?

Jessie.

(phone ringing)

This is Jessie.

Ehi-hey, it's Mack.

Sorry, uh, Mack?

Mack, from the band?

Oh. Hi. (Chuckles) Hi. Sorry.

- Is this a bad time? - Yeah, kinda, I...

Well, wè re in.

The wedding.

Wait, really?

I mean, that... I... Wow.

I thought, you know, you won, I lost, and...

You know, only six-year-olds make career choices

based on arm-wrestling matches.

(chuckles) Are you calling me a six-year-old?

Yeah. But you gotta pay in dollars, not Play-Doh.

drive a hard bargain,

but I can arrange that.

This is fantastic. Mack, thank you so much.

You are saving my life. Seriously.

I love you for this.

I have that effect on people.

Good to know. Well, great. l'll text you the details then.

All right. Bye.

(giggles) Yes. Yes.

(game show music on TV)

Lots of drama this week.

Two couples have already crashed and burned.

The first one seems to be kosher versus the kebab.

(yelling)

(engine revs)

(alarm blares)

(yelling continues)

And they're done.

This you?

That was not us. - (On TV) Beat it.

(pauses TV)

(Zhopa) Not you?

Ok. That is us.

(laughs)

Next, a truly bizarre wake-up call.

(screams) - (lamb bleats)

What? - Oh, my God.

What are you wearing?

Oh, my God, what is that? What is...

I have no idea what the hell is that.

I don't know how she got in here. I don't even know her.

- l'm a church-going lady. - I would never wear this.

Do not push the button, I need this million.

(screaming) - No. You can't pull it.

(alarm blares) - And they're done.

(audience on TV) Beat it. Beat it.

- That was us. - Beat it. Beat it. Beat it.

One of our couples actually seems to be getting along.

(baseball organ music playing)

(crowd cheering)

Whoa, the shortstop just got to second base.

(laughs) - (plays drum sting)

But therè s more. Wè ve got

a Coppie da schianto exclusive for you tonight.

The other final couple has a secret.

It turns out Svetlana is not a lawyer.

This is where she passed her bar exam.

Or should I say pole exam?

(loud club music playing)

isn't her best man.

(whistling and cheering)

(Bev) Ok. - Hè s my brother.

Therè s that, and therè s this.

hè s working on his toast for his brother,

Robert Barton's wedding.

Oh, therè s a push. And another push.

Oh. (Laughs) Look out. Look at...

Oh, therè s gotta be some hair pulling in this one.

Therè s the hair pull.

So, wè ve got the wedding trasher

and now this.

Hè s in the finals. That's not bad.

It's not bad, it's terrible.

Your lead has gone from seven points to four,

that falls within the statistical error range.

You could lose this.

- Oh, boy, here they come. - (chain jangling)

We haven't met. Hi. l'm Robert Barton.

Olga. - Not Svetlana?

Is made-up name for the privacy.

Let's cut to it. Jimmy, yoùre gonna pull out of this.

What? No way. - What's goin' on?

Nothing, I...

Hè s in debt and hè s in troubles.

Is this true? - Kinda, yeah.

Touching, but yoùre gonna cost him the election.

Why didn't you come to me? What were you thinking?

l'm an idiot. I don't know.

Look, if you want me to quit the show...

We do. - I can't.

- (Robert) Why not? - Olga. I committed to her.

- What about Robert? - l'll keep it really low key.

No controversy, no strip bars.

I promise. l'll even skip your wedding.

Not good enough. - But in the end,

it's just a game show, right? Wherè s the negative in that?

l'm not gonna bail on my brother because of a game show.

Bev, spin this. - What?

Look, l'm a stiff. I have no sense of humor.

Maybe that's why my numbers are down.

Make this fun. Make me fun.

(imitates clown laugh)

That's crazy. - It is.

But won't it be fun?

(loud rock music playing)

(crowd cheering)

(guitar solo)

(solo continues)

(cheers and applause)

(Lenny) Thank you. Thank you. Goodnight.

(claps)

Yoni, shè s killer, right?

Yeah, she takes over, you know?

(chuckles) Yeah, she does.

(Lenny) Like it.

- What's that? - It's got your name on it.

It's our demo.

Oh, a demo? - Mm-hmm.

Ah, Yoni wrote a song. So, we...

So, we recorded it with my band.

Ah, you guys have a band?

Yeah. - No way.

Ah, well, uh... Not really.

We just put together a couple guys.

You-you put together a couple guys

and you didn't tell me about it?

We wanted to go in a different direction.

Wait, are you... Are you kidding me?

Mack, chill. It's just a demo.

I am chill. But if it's just a demo,

then why didn't you tell me about it, Lenny?

We didn't want you to be upset.

We? We, you two we, now?

What happened to our we?

You know what? Fine.

Fine.

We can go on jury duty now. They accept anyone.

Well surely, that's good.

It's terrible. I mean, "Ehi, l'm blind".

That was always my best excuse.

(laughs)

(bangs) - Ah. Ooh, God.

Oh, my goodness. Are you alright?

Yeah, I think l've cracked my knee cap.

Oh, dear, oh, God. Welcome to my world.

Ah. Do you think we could afford

to have the lights on a bit?

Oh, l'm sorry. Of course. Yes.

I don't use them very often,

but there we go. - Oh, yes.

Wow. You really look great.

(both laugh)

Ah, herè s the problem.

Coffee table. It should be more over here.

Thank you. No, no. Huh-uh.

No, out of the traffic flow, because...

No, actually, it's quite good here.

Yeah. Well, I know it's quite good here.

But I mean, it'd be much better a bit over here.

You know what might be fun? - What?

Well, therè s this OCD seminar

at the Convention Center this weekend.

(laughs)

I know.

See, l'm laughing. - (Sara laughs)

Am I cured? - Far from it.

(mutters)

Are these your pictures?

Oh. (Chuckles) Yes, yes.

(Sara on recording) It was early evening,

I heard thunder, so, I started to shoot the clouds,

but just then I heard a frantic, shrill whistle.

I turned to shoot it,

it was a bicycle messenger about to hit me.

(chuckles) - Yeah.

And the one next to it is actually after he hit me.

Oh, and he doesn't look too happy.

(Sara on recording) Oh, yes, the bus just missed me,

but it took out a fire hydrant.

I never realized that photography

was an extreme sport.

(Sara chuckles)

They're fantastic pictures.

Yoùre very talented.

Thank you. Hmm.

Come here.

Oh, you wanna kiss me?

I do, in the worst way.

Well, I hope not.

But let's see how it goes.

Oh. - Mm.

What? Are you nervous?

It's been a long time.

Yoùre gay?

No, l'm not gay.

Then, what?

It's just, l'm... l'm insecure.

I haven't done this for...

But how insecure?

Very insecure. - Oh.

Oh. Ah.

(laughs gently)

Oh, Larry.

Nobody ever calls me Larry.

I do.

Mmm. - Yes.

Mmm.

What you doing?

l'm learning your body.

Oh, God.

I promise you, l'll start working out tomorrow.

Yeah. Start now.

Start now.

(Sara laughs)

Yeah. Your ex sounds incredibly flaky,

how terrible for you. But listen to me very carefully,

I don't give a shit.

You were supposed to be here at four yesterday.

I waited until seven, you didn't show.

(man on phone) Yoùre harshing my vibe.

No dude, yoùre harshing my vibe.

l'm about to hang up and call my caterer, Lawrence Phillips.

Yeah, that...

Ah, dammit.

Hello? Just...

get here before 8:00 AM, okay?

You win. Get here at 8:00 AM and one second, you lose.

- Ok? Thank you. - (Mack) You need some help?

Hi-ya.

(groaning) - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Mack, I am so sorry. I...

- Are you okay? I... - l'm sorry I scared you.

l'm sorry I maimed you. Are you okay?

Yoùre tough. I feel bad for the guy on the phone.

No, don't. It's a seated dinner.

It's a little difficult to do without chairs.

Had to elevate the threat level.

I just didn't think somebody would be

eavesdropping at 6:00 AM.

No, I got here at four. Slept in the car.

Why?

Rough night. Got into some weirdness

and... Ah, nothin'.

I wanted to see you.

But not in a stalking way.

Lying in wait and creeping up behind me

is really the classic definition of stalker.

I had the crazy thought I could come in,

and sweep you off your feet, but you swept me off mine.

So, you owe me breakfast.

(chuckles) I mean, oh, okay. I...

My day is insane and just got more insane,

But yeah. Look, give me a second,

and I could definitely use a refill.

Ah.

Larry?

Larry?

Ah.

What...

A note?

Oh, God.

I have fallen in love with the dumbest man in history.

(sighs)

(thunks) - Ah.

Oh. Shit.

Oh.

Ok, that barista was so judgy.

She was like, "Is this your second red-eye in 15 minutes?"

It's like, "Oh, are you keeping score"

- "on my caffeine intake?" - Mm. Who cares?

Oh. - Mm. So close.

Here, gimme. - Hold this. Ok.

Oh, wow. - Oh, yeah.

Going for the big...

Yoùre taking this very seriously.

Oh. - Yes.

Wow. Nice shot. - Here, it's easy.

Try again. - No, thanks.

No? - I suck at basketball

and plastic bottle into the trash-ket ball.

l'm just a musician and l'm fine with it, you know?

I don't have to make the winning shot

at the buzzer every time.

I do. Every time.

With everything.

Everything's a lot.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Mm. How many of those ones do you remember?

Hmm, definitely the ones from middle school.

(both chuckle)

Lately, just enough.

Why don't you just float on some of them

and just save your beautiful energy for the big ones?

(quiet laugh)

Who are you?

What?

How do you... know me?

I don't know you, but l'd like to.

So,

l'm just coming off of

what I thought was me getting dumped, again.

But, actually, I was more the dumper than the dumpee.

(chuckles)

But I think I should take a little time

to chill and figure out the difference between

losing to someone

and losing them.

- Well, good luck with that. - (laughs)

l'll be watching you from my car.

If you need anything. - Oh, great.

(both laugh)

I have to go grab my guy, the table and chair rental guy.

Oh, yeah. You go. - So.

You go do that. - Ok.

l'll... see you soon.

(Mack) It was fun.

See you later.

(sighs) Are these the ones they delivered?

Yes. - Well, l'm not sure

- they're gonna do a lot of... - (dog barks)

Sara.

Give me a moment, will you?

This is a surprise.

Oh. Oh, I just came by

so you could read this to me.

Oh, my God. I left you a note. l'm so silly.

Make sure you give it back to me, though,

because I do wanna get it framed.

So, read it. Read it, please.

(quietly) "Good morning, sweetheart."

I had to go to work, but I can't wait to see you later.

Kisses,

"Larry."

Nothing about, "I changed all the furniture

in your apartment. So, do be careful.

You could get killed"?

l'm so sorry. - Oh, yeah?

Why didn't you just move the bed next to the window

so I could plunge to my death without getting up?

I just want to make everything perfect for you.

Your perfect is just fine.

But it isn't gonna save me.

And obviously, you are too blind to see that.

Here, Teddy. Let's go, Teddy. Up, good boy.

We don't wanna bang into anything else.

l've only got one neck, after all.

Good, Teddy.

Uh... Uh... (sighs)

♪ I leapt ♪

♪ Before I looked ♪

♪ I never learned ♪

♪ And now l'm cooked ♪

♪ Shoulda had a plan ♪

♪ Shoulda up and ran ♪

♪ I got the break-up ♪

♪ The break-up blues ♪

♪ What the hell? ♪

♪ And what the heck? ♪

♪ Seems I can't find love ♪

♪ Without risking your neck ♪

♪ Probably should have known ♪

♪ Now l'm all alone ♪

♪ I got the break-up ♪

♪ The break-up blues ♪

♪ 'Cause I got the break-up ♪

♪ I got the break-up, oh ♪

♪ I got the break-up ♪

♪ I got the break-up ♪

♪ I got the break-up ♪

♪ The break-up blues ♪

(keypad beeping)

(ringing)

Yes? Yes?

Who?

I really... I don't know a Larry.

Uh-huh. Oh.

Well...

Certainly.

Um...

l'm sorry. - (Scoffs)

l've messed up before and l'll probably mess up again,

but look, don't give up on me.

Ok.

I got you this. - Ah?

Here.

Ok.

Hmm?

Oh.

Is this a scarf?

It's a blindfold.

Ah? - For me.

(clicks tongue)

Open my eyes.

Let me see what you see.

Good.

No, I don't... Oh, yes, I do. One, two, three, four.

Right. Yes. - Now, follow it over.

Ah. What's that? - (Laughs)

No, smell it. - Oh.

(horns honk) -

Ok, can I go home now? - Yes.

Of course. Yes, here.

(horns honking)

No, no. Here.

All right, all right.

Feel to your right for the railing.

- The rail... Oh, wait... - Ah. Don't you go.

- Ah. No, wait. Oh, God. - Don't let go.

Lawrence... Oh. - Wait, wait, wait.

What? - I can't, I can't, I can't.

Larry, oh, my God. Larry. Are you okay?

- Larry, Larry, don't sit. - (Lawrence grunting)

Oh. - Are you all right?

l'm fine, l'm fine. - Ok.

l'm here. l'm waiting.

- l'm at... I don't know.

Ok, l'm here to help.

Are you all right? Ah. Oh, my God.

No, no. No, don't...

Well, that was a piece of cake.

Ok, well, home at last. How do you feel?

Exhausted.

But thrilling.

I mean, I had no inkling - Yeah.

- Of what you went through. - Oh, well...

But I think l'm pretty good at this now.

Oh. - Oh. Oh, my God. Oh.

Ooh. - Uh, oh. Oh, dear.

(guitar music playing)

♪ Turns out we can't be ♪

♪ Perfect in love ♪

♪ 'Cause love ain't perfect ♪

♪ No, not at all ♪

♪ Ain't no secret Love ain't pure ♪

♪ Don't wanna miss it That's for sure ♪

♪ The other version Of this song ♪

♪ Turned out all wrong ♪

(cheers and applause) - ♪ If you don't claim love ♪

♪ The blame is on us ♪

Come on.

♪ We fell in love ♪

♪ We love the fuss ♪

♪ Jump together under the bus ♪

♪ If we don't claim love ♪

♪ Blame us ♪

♪ If love is crazy Sign me up ♪

♪ Check me in and lock me up ♪

Oh. Ooh. - ♪ If love is blind ♪

- Oh-ho. Mmm. - ♪ Then take my sight ♪

(laughs) - Mm. Mm.

- Is that good? - ♪ If love is tough ♪

♪ Let's dance all night. ♪

♪ If we don't claim love ♪

♪ If we don't claim love ♪

♪ If we don't claim love ♪

♪ The blame is on us ♪

(crowd cheers and applauds)

(Bev) Oh. Just keep going.

No, stop.

I was kidding. Joke.

This is Zhopa.

Very nice meeting you, Mr. Mayor.

Oh, well, l'm not mayor yet.

An election? We could fixing that.

Thanks, I think wè re good.

This Menny. - Manny.

Menny. - Menny.

This Ivan. - Ivan.

Ivan.

Great. Nice to meet you all.

We are late and we are leaving.

After you.

(string quartet playing)

(horns honking) - (sirens blare in distance)

What the heck is this?

Ah, come on.

This is bad.

This is not good.

Ok. One of the perks about duck boating is this.

Victor, show 'em.

Ehi, Prius, move it.

Drive it all the way forward. Thank you so much.

Trying to meet the love of my life,

no big deal. Very big deal. Go. Go. Go.

Come on. There you go.

That wasn't so hard.

Wè re dead.

No, wè re not.

(Robert) Ehi.

Ehi. Ehi. Ehi.

Ehi. Ehi.

Ehi, l'm Robert Barton.

l'm running for mayor.

(chuckles) Oh, that's weird,

'cause you actually are running.

You have my vote, thank you.

But now l'm running late, so, I got to go. All right?

No-no-no-no-no-no. Wait, wait, wait.

Stop, stop, stop. - (Brakes squeal)

You can't go. l'm late.

- - l'm getting married.

l'm meeting my true love.

Wè ll go with you. - What?

(panting) This is the Cinderella guy.

That's TV press up there.

With this boat, wè ve got just enough time

to go pick up his woman, then over to your wedding,

and you become the romance king of Boston.

You wanna stop being a stiff? Herè s your chance.

Wè re gonna go with you.

Great. Welcome aboard. Let's go.

Let down the ladder. Victor, punch it.

Yes, let's go.

I love helping strangers.

All aboard, life vests on.

Who knows if this thing still floats?

I mean, it should. It's FDA approved.

Whatever that means.

Wè re heading out to sea, hang on.

I hope you can swim. (Chuckles)

I am not lifeguard certified.

(Mack) Yeah.

(crystal clinking)

Put this over here? - Yep.

Ehi. - How's it goin'?

You look amazingly calm.

Amazingly everything's going like clockwork, so.

No glitches? - Nope. l'm a pro.

Been at this a whole eight days.

l'm not surprised at all.

So, you maybe doin' some thinking?

Yeah, l've been doing that. Yep.

And how am I doin'?

Um...

Pretty good.

Aw, just pretty good? Come on.

(laughs) - (cell phone rings)

Bev?

Wait... What?

A duck boat?

Are you crazy? You would never make it.

Bev?

Dammit.

Glitch? - Huge glitch.

Planning a wedding that might not have a groom.

(cell phone dings)

Son of a bitch.

Lenny quit. I can't believe it.

Yoùre kidding, right? - (Mack) No.

But l'll just call some people, okay?

And l'll fix... - Not kidding.

Son of a...

(Jordan) ♪ If love is tough ♪

♪ Let's dance all night ♪

♪ Don't blame love... ♪

Sorry, could I talk to you for one second?

Hi, l'm kind of in the middle of somethin' here.

I understand. l'm so sorry, just one second.

I come by here every day. I love you, yoùre great.

Can you be in a band?

Oh, I don't... - Like, right now.

Sorry, what I meant to say was, right now, please,

because two minutes ago, across the street,

at my wedding... Not my wedding...

But anyway, half of our band just quit.

So, you could be the new other half, and...

Just please, help me out.

I really can't let this couple down.

It just has to be their perfect day.

And I will carry your stuff...

I don't play in bands, I work alone.

I get that. (Exhales)

I know I sound crazy. l'm just desperate.

He comes, too.

I thought you only work alone?

I was wrong.

What's his name?

I don't know.

Mister Guitar Man,

would you care to join...

Jordan. - Jordan, in our new band?

Happy to. Yeah. - Amazing. Ok.

(saxophone playing)

Wherè re you off to? A gig? Need brass?

Can I join the parade?

Why not?

It's exactly five òclock, and l'm here live

with our own Prince Charming

whòs hoping to find Cinderella waiting for him

right here in the park.

Romance is alive and well, and even though

his own wedding is scheduled at six pm tonight,

Robert Barton came here to be part of this.

This is what makes Boston the greatest city in the world

- and I just couldn't keep... - Let's do this.

Wè re doing this. - Stay tuned.

There he is.

(ladies screaming) - Oh.

Ehi.

Is she here?

Whòs to know? It's so crazy.

Everybody shutting up.

Thank you. Now, lining up

so that Mr. Ritchie can finding his girlfriend.

Huh? Lining up, lining up. Go, go, go.

What would we do without the mafia? Thank you.

Thank you very much. - Ok.

Um, hi. - (Woman) Hi.

How are you? Thank you. Thank you for coming.

I love that. It's amazing. - Hi.

All right. (Laughs) Sorry, pal.

Actually, no, let me get a selfie.

My mom's never going to believe this.

Mark Wahlberg tried to win my heart.

(shutter clicks) - Bam.

Thank you so much for comin'.

Thank you. All right.

Yoùre married, you shouldn't be here. Go home.

Ehi. On the six-pack, I love it.

Ah. Yoùre about to faint for me. Ok, girl.

On the leg, no-no, it's supposed to be on the neck.

Yeah, it's okay.

Ehi, how are you guys?

Oh. That looks real.

Oh, on your wrist. (Chuckles) Ok.

Cool.

Ehi.

Shè s not here.

Ladies, you are all wonderful.

If it were legal, l'd set up a cult,

and l'd marry every one of you.

l'll join. - (Women) Me, too. Yeah.

Unfortunately, we are late fora wedding.

And therè s only one person

that can get us to the church on time.

Me, Captain Ritchie. So, I have to go.

Let's go, let's go.

(women) Bye.

Bye.

Ok. Well, tell him to floor it.

(door opens)

(horse nickers)

Oh, my God. - Ta-da.

Look at you. You look like a dream.

- Jessie. This is amazing. - Watch the stairs.

Oh, surprise. Yeah, zero emissions.

Well, kinda.

- (laughs) Close enough. - More or less.

Ok. Here we go. Hop on.

Whoo-hoo.

(gasps) Jessie, this is awesome.

You have truly created the perfect day.

Good. Ok, ready?

- Let's get you married. - Let's do it.

All right, wè re ready.

(cracks reigns) - Come on. Get up.

- How're you feeling? - Feeling good. Yeah.

(fabric rips) - Ah.

(horse whinnies) - Oh, my God.

Are you okay? - Yeah, I guess.

I mean, what happened?

Uh, wow. - Is... What?

Your train is wrapped around the wheel spoke.

You got it? - No. It's stuck.

You know what? Sir, can you back up a little bit

and just see if we can get it to unwind?

Stuck. She won't move. Can't go forward or back.

- This is a disaster.

- Ehi, you guys. Need some help? - Hi.

I don't know. Jessie, do you...

(laughs)

The wedding trasher strikes again.

Ehi. That girl is my friend.

Ok, you don't talk to my friend like that.

If you do, I will show you the dictionary definition

of the word "trasher.". You get it?

Yes, màam. - Apologize to her.

l'm sorry.

Now beat it before I wrap your tricycle

around your fat head.

(exhales)

You. Stop. - (Horse nickers)

Young lady, can I count on your vote in November?

Was this on the registry? (Laughs)

(crowd cheers and applauds)

(crowd hoots)

Bev, you did it. I love you. (Laughs)

Ooh. (Laughs) And I, much to my amazement,

am quite fond of you. (Laughs)

l've gotta go.

(string quartet playing)

You are a hero. I can't thank you enough.

My pleasure, man.

Sorry about your girl.

She wasn't my girl.

Was just...

Crazy love. - (Chuckles)

It's all crazy.

Look, my bride,

three mafia goons,

and my brother chained to a stripper.

But in the end, you got the girl.

Come with me. It's gonna be a great party.

l'm good, thank you.

Ok. Thanks again.

Ehi.

Don't give up on the crazy.

That's what makes love...

Love.

(wedding march plays)

(crowd cheering)

(crowd applauds)

l've never seen an avocado do that.

(guests laugh)

So, remember, Robert,

when you hook up to the old ball and chain,

don't do it like I did.

Shè s got the balls and l've got the chain.

(guests cheer)

Ehi, everybody. - (Cheers)

How we doing?

All right. Thank you all so much for coming.

This is my first wedding, and hopefully my last.

(chuckles) Um... - (guests laugh)

And this great event was created by Jessie English.

(guests cheer and applaud)

Who, thankfully, decided not to parachute

- through the top of a tent. - (guests laugh)

But seriously, Jessie, thank you so much.

Ehi, what about me?

Oh, l'm sorry, and you are?

(guests laugh)

Have a good time, everybody.

(cheers and applause)

Well, speaking of new marriages,

"Celebration".

(cheers and applause)

(clapping rhythmically)

We don't know how to play it.

(clapping continues)

"Celebration."

(drum beat begins) - (guests cheer)

(band playing "Celebration")

♪ Yahoo. ♪

♪ It's a celebration ♪

♪ Yahoo. ♪

- What's wrong? - ♪ It's a celebration ♪

♪ Celebrate good times Come on. ♪

Look at that.

(Jordan) ♪ It's a celebration ♪

It's perfect.

♪ Celebrate good times Come on. ♪

(laughs) It's really not perfect.

Oh, look at the two of them.

If that's not perfect, then it doesn't need to be.

You did good, kid.

(laughs) Thank you, Larry.

Oh, no. Only...

Therè s only one person who calls me Larry.

(laughs) Oh, really? - Oh, yeah.

If you keep up this nice guy crap,

everybody's gonna call you Larry.

(chuckles)

♪ Celebrate good times Come on. ♪

(Jordan) ♪ It's a celebration. ♪

♪ Celebrate good times Come on. ♪

(Mack) ♪ Ooh, it's a celebration. ♪

♪ Therè s a party going on Round here ♪

♪ A celebration to last Throughout the year ♪

♪ So, bring your good times And your laughter too ♪

(no audible dialogue)

♪ Wè re gonna celebrate Your party with you ♪

♪ Celebration ♪

♪ Let's all celebrate And have a good time ♪

♪ Celebration ♪

♪ Oh, wè re gonna celebrate And have a good time ♪

♪ It's time to come together ♪

♪ It's up to you What's your pleasure ♪

♪ Everyone around the world Come on. ♪

♪ Mm, it's a celebration. ♪

♪ Yahoo. ♪

♪ It's a celebration. ♪ - ♪ Whoo. ♪

♪ Wè re gonna have A good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate, It's all right ♪

♪ Wè re gonna have A good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate, It's all right ♪

♪ Yeah, wè re gonna have A good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate ♪

♪ Celebration ♪

♪ Oh, wè re gonna celebrate And have a good time ♪

♪ Celebration ♪

♪ Let's all celebrate And have a good time ♪

♪ Wè re gonna have A good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebrate It's all right ♪

♪ Yeah, wè re gonna have A good time tonight ♪

♪ Let's celebratèCause it's all right ♪

♪ It's time to come together ♪

♪ It's up to you What's your pleasure? ♪

♪ Everyone around the world come on. ♪

♪ Mm, it's a celebration. ♪

(laughs)

(crowd cheers and applauds)

(game show music playing)

All right. Hold it down.

Hold it down. Let's just get this over with.

Final show. Coppie da schianto.

Someone walks away with a mill.

Someone walks away with bupkis.

(drum sting) - The results are in.

Tiny and Shaq have been leading the voting

for the last five days.

(cheers and applause)

Which means you two

have been getting your asses kicked.

(audience laughs) - But...

A giant tidal wave of last minute votes

produced an impossible comeback.

(drumroll) - The winners are

Jimmy and Svetlana.

(audience cheers and applauds)

(game show music playing)

That was us.

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