Original subtitles

I'm B. J. Novak.

Movies are too long.

TV shows are even longer.

You hear about a new show, it turns out you're

400 episodes behind everybody else.

I would never do that to you.

This next story takes us to Victory High, where pop star

Jesse Wheeler returns and makes a promise

that will change some young lives.

I hope you enjoy "The Ballad of Jesse Wheeler."

Is that him?

Yeah.

Oh my God. "The Wheels!"

Jesse Wheeler.

Don't worry about that machine, come on through

That thing is basically there for show anyways dude.

Oh my God.

The prodigal song is here.

The pride of Victory High and

the biggest pop star on the planet.

All for love.

Oh my God.

I'm Cooper, Jesse's manager.

This is my assistant, Kailey.

Fred over there is shooting for CNN Heroes.

Jesse I want you to meet our Phi Beta Kappa club.

That's a GPA of over 3.0.

That's a B.

This is Susie Xu and that's Susie's friend.

Susie was allowed to bring a friend.

Look who came to school.

I come to school sometimes.

Sometimes, yeah‐‐

Ok, ok, alright y’all.

Thank you for that wonderful reception.

Uh...

You suck, Wallace.

Are you ready for "The Wheels?"

Jesse‐‐

Jesse‐‐

Jesse Wheeler!

"The Wheels."

Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow.

From the bottom of my heart,

it feels unbelievable to be back here at Victory High.

Man, it's a humbling feeling being here.

Actually, it's not a humbling feeling.

You're not making me feel humble,

you're making me feel incredible.

Seriously?

Yeah, so‐‐

I'm here today because I've decided to donate

a million dollars to Victory High

to build a new library.

But that's not all.

To one hard‐working student‐‐

What do you call the student at the end of the year who ah‐‐

uh, has the best grade?

You call them a name?

It's not a mean name.

Valedictorian.

Valedictorian.

So, to whoever is the valedictorian,

you win an all‐expense paid trip‐‐

to my next concert in Los Angeles, California.

Yes!

And then, we'll go backstage and chill together.

And then,

I will personally give you a tour of the Wheeler mansion

Awoo!

Up at the top of the Hollywood Hills.

ALRIGHT!

Yes.

YES!

And then,

if you want,

I'll fuck you.

He can't offer sex as a prize.

I got to go study.

We got to walk back what you said back there.

Oh, about the donation?

Right, yeah, that didn't get that much love.

No, about fucking a student, Jesse.

Are you being for real right now?

That's the part that they liked.

What did you always tell me that my gift was?

I hear things other people can't hear.

I hear energy.

I hear feelings.

I hear vibrations and I put that into music.

That was the sound of the school coming alive.

What if the winner is underage, Jesse?

Then it's after they turn 18.

What if the winner's a dude?

I'd really like to give this opportunity to a woman.

Can we clarify that it's like, a woman's scholarship?

Nope.

Fine.

Yeah.

Here's our website and if you scroll down,

you'll see the message board

where the student messages are.

Okay. Mm‐hmm.

What’s an "ussy?"

"U‐S‐S‐Y."

Ussy, is that like a selfie with a bunch of people?

Read the sentence.

It says, "I'm going to win the contest,

then I'm going to make him lick my ussy real good."

Ussy, what's "ussy?"

I think that's maybe a typo.

They forgot a P.

No.

This is not good.

Ah, superintendent.

Wallace, what the hell just happened in your school?

This is a religious school board, you understand?

Man, you know these kids, it was a goof.

You better hope it was.

If this contest becomes a big deal,

They won't.

You'll be fired before you can

‐ cash that first pension check. ‐ Superintendent‐‐

I already know who's going to win.

She's not going be a problem.

Ain't nobody bonking nobody.

Study with us.

Fuck "The Wheels."

Ma‐‐

Study with us.

Study with us.

Fuck "The Wheels."

Mom, they don't say that to people here.

I just think it would be such a statement if I won.

Oh, is that why you want to win?

People think you're a transfer student.

You haven't even been to school since you were like 13.

What do you care?

What do you not care?

That's not a phrase.

Then why did it hurt?

I'm going to win, and I'm going to film it.

Bye.

I don't see how it's all that different

from the standard meet and greet stuff.

Like a selfie or a hug.

Jesse the difference is you offered sex.

Exactly, when is the last time

that sex actually mattered to people?

People have sex for dumb ass reasons all the time.

That's true.

You included?

Oh yeah.

Why can't I do it one time,

to change people's lives?

Look, people are going to say‐‐

I don't listen to people, I listen to God.

Revolutions create by destroying,

and destroy by creating.

Who is this guy? He's awesome.

Mr. Holmes?

Ah...

So, you two love birds get that?

Sorry, sorry.

Listen, pastor.

The voice I'm hearing is not telling me what other people

tell me it should be saying.

For sure.

I hear that.

Can you hit me with one of those parables?

For sure.

There was this village...

years ago.

And in this village, there lived a chemist.

Every day the chemist, he would wander the fields,

picking flowers for his potions.

One day, he picked this beautiful poppy,

and he crushed it up and put into one of his potions.

And do you know what poppies turn into?

Poppy juice?

Also known as opium.

Now, the chemist, he put some of it on his lips to taste it.

He felt totally amazing‐‐

and he rushes back to the village

completely overcome with joy,

and he asks this woman if he can kiss her.

And then she too felt the surge.

First on her lips, and then all through her body.

Fire.

Now hand in hand, they lept together through the village

back to the chemist's house

where they laughed and they danced.

Do you know what the chemist did then?

He put it on his dick.

That's exactly what he did.

He put it on his dick.

Word spread through the village and the chemist,

you know, all of a sudden,

he's got all these women lining up

to lay with him.

Woof. That's a top story.

It's not over.

Fire.

Some people, they questioned

if it was fair that the chemist had

this opium dick.

Did the women want him or his opium?

It's all him because he made the opium.

Your talent Jesse...

your fame,

the light music that shines through you.

That's my opium dick.

And opium is powerful.

You know, some say that opium is a religion of the masses.

But even when it's your opium,

it's still not totally yours, is it?

It's God's.

Welcome.

I see a lot of new faces here at the end of the semester,

which is great.

For those of you just joining us, this is values and ethics.

Tell us what's on the test.

It's not really about tests in here.

Hi, uh, I'm Abbi‐‐

Um, haven't been to school in a while,

but eager to engage in ethics and values.

Welcome, Abbi.

Who's this bitch?

There's a more fundamental issue at play here.

The central challenge is that you're teaching a curriculum

that centers on a tradition formed by thousands of years

of religious worship, but you're teaching it in an era

where we worship celebrity.

Oh, I like this, is everyone listening to Abbi?

And, celebrity worship is better.

It's an evolution.

Okay, let's put a pin in evolution.

Pop culture is a religion, it has its own deities,

hymns, rituals,

mythologies, except it's not based on make‐believe and

it hasn't started any wars.

By definition, popular culture means that the common populace

gets to play a part in defining it and changing it in real‐time.

Except that democratization doesn't mean it's superior.

It can just be a shallow reflection

of those same unjust structures.

Case in point, a white savior figure

coming into a majority‐minority

school and making a promise in which the prize itself escalates

a value system that places himself firmly at the top

of the social hierarchy.

Okay, let's move back towards ethics and values.

I'm sorry, does social justice not count under ethics andamp; values?

Oh, no, no, that's not what I meant.

It's not a rhetorical question.

It's about whether you see ethics and values

through a societal lens

or an individualistic one.

Both valid but extremely different points of view.

And, I'll connect them for him.

Every day around the world as a maladaptation

of late‐stage capitalism, countless sex workers survive

by economizing their sexual value through the enjoyment

of the rich and powerful.

Today, notably, we see a person who is powerful and privileged

acknowledge his body as something

of sexual value to others.

He offers this of his own free will as a systemic incentive

for the collective benefit of the disenfranchised.

In that way, it's an act of social justice

with repercussions far beyond school.

As a step towards destigmatizing sex work,

revolutionizing the lives of millions of people

and treating the aesthetic appeal

of status as a collective resource

belonging to the people who created it.

This is some bullshit.

I'm going to lose my patience.

These fucking kids are reading.

Stop reading!

Get on TikTok,

Get your phones out right now.

Susie Xu...

my favorite student.

Listen up.

All our interests are aligned.

The religious school board has been on my ass every day

about this contest.

Now, all you got to do is ace that history fair.

Become valedictorian.

Give a nice, normal speech,

just a regular speech and then we're going to move on.

I've been thinking.

Well, thinking is good.

What is any of this for?

No, not that kind of thinking.

Am I doing everything for other people?

Hell yeah.

You're doing it for the school.

You're doing it for uh, your parents,

job market, the community.

Yeah, but do I want what I want

because other people tell me I want it?

And why do they want what they want for me?

Someone else must have made them want.

Right?

I mean, where does it stop?

How does it stop?

Who decides to stop it?

Why did Jesse Wheeler make that promise?

I don't know, just to fuck up my life.

Do me a favor.

Just ace the history fair, okay?

Get into college.

Smoking doobie in your dorm room,

then you ask the wacky questions.

He's the biggest pop star on the planet.

Who's next for Jesse Wheeler?

Our hush hush inside sources at Victory High tell us the contest

for valedictorian is down to three.

Susie Xu, reigning Phi Beta Kappa.

Abbi Miller, who apparently was one day shy of expulsion

for non‐attendance,

or Caleb Rose.

You know who I'm rooting for.

Listen, let's just apologize and cut our losses.

I can't.

Why not?

Because I don't think I did anything wrong.

That's not how apologies work anymore.

Alright, it's hard‐‐

to get to number one.

It's even harder to stay number one.

I'm not number one because I work so hard to be number one.

I'm number one, because I work so hard to be myself.

Listen to me.

This thing that we built,

we built it together.

And if this comes down,

it comes down on all of us.

All right.

Let me talk to God real quick.

You haven't done that yet?

No, just Pastor Jack.

Please talk to God.

Talk to God.

Alright.

Mm‐hmm

Yeah man.

Mmm

God says to ask you about an $800,000 check

from the Dubai gig.

That came in today.

Let him know we're processing it.

Okay.

And so, this crazy competish‐‐

all comes down to the history fair.

We are live with the man who decides it all, Mr. Holmes.

So, what can we expect at the fair?

It's anybody's guess Andy.

History is wild‐‐

beheadings, gladiators, concubines, sick stuff.

So, do you find it surprising that students are

actually interested in history?

It's surprising they weren't before.

Skipping to the fun part,

who do you think is going to spend the night

with "The Wheels?"

Who's going to get a prize Andy huh?

The prize is that for a few short years,

their only task is to hear the most brain‐meltingly twisted,

true stories of the planet they're born on.

Said they treat school as nothing more.

The preparation for lives so boring and meaningless

that they actually look forward to watching your stupid show.

Now, that actually hurt my feelings.

Mm‐hmm

What's this?

America.

America?

America?

Yup.

Where are the witches?

Hmm?

The witch trials.

Where are the witches?

Trail of tears?

Genocide of a continent, slavery,

the adulation of slavery...

telephone, electricity.

Rocket ships, war...

Elvis Pressley dead on a toilet!

Oh God, this is the most pathetic project I've ever seen.

B minus baby.

Whoo.

The story of the world is that chains of oppression,

morph into chain links of progress.

Everyone who has been disconnected from society and

systems of power, has rebelled, intersectional progress.

This guy is unbelievable.

Keep it up.

He got an A plus.

Thank you, sir.

Well, who are you?

I'm Abbi.

Abbi, yeah.

Here you go.

You've made your wands?

Yes, those are your magic wands.

MR.Oh really, yeah. That better fit.

You're going to use them when I put this on you.

Oh!

Ohhh.

Oh my God.

The fundamental scandal of every institution is to pretend

it is built out of the very force capable of destroying it.

Government claims community,

Religion claims spiritual wonder,

and history, the running record of rebellion

against every concept and system, is claimed by school.

School hides the world's most dangerous ideas in plain sight

by using them to bore the shit out of people.

Until potential rebels to the system reject the tools

that could take it down.

MR.Oh my God.

Which is why sex‐‐

the force most capable of inspiring both infinite

selfishness and infinite bonding is appropriated by all systems

of power and must be liberated.

If you want to matter to history,

you must be as disloyal to its structures as you are loyal

to its spirit.

The world is watching, Mr. Holmes.

Do you belong to history’s buildings,

or the people who blow them up?

Jesse Wheeler.

‐ Okay, thanks. ‐ Thank you.

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey.

Hey, I'm Jesse.

Hi, I'm Abbi.

‐ Nice to meet you. ‐ Nice to meet you.

Thanks for doing that contest, it's really cool.

Yeah, that was no problem.

Um...

You know, education is important.

Uh...

I am grateful to know you.

It's good to be here.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Awesome.

Cool, well if you want, you can just‐‐

wait in there for a sec‐‐

Okay, cool.

Peace.

Hey, you want a photo?

So, this is my home.

I've lived here for, I guess like a year.

Still kinda new.

Oh my God.

It's a bit overwhelming at first,

but people tell me I'm going to grow into it.

Wow.

This is my favorite room in the house is where I come to read.

These are my yellow books. These are my red books.

These are my purple books,

my green books and...

of course, you know, my blue books.

Yeah, I love reading.

What's it like being smart?

Being the valedictorian?

Uh...

Um...

Sometimes, I wonder what my life would have been like

if I had stayed in school,

how smart I'd be.

Things like that.

You're not really missing anything.

Hmm, you don't care about school?

I mean, I loved it when I was little.

Then what happened?

I read all the books they assigned.

And if you really read them,

they're just saying, fuck school.

Right. Wait, really?

Yeah, fuck school and‐‐

everything like school.

Like with the F word.

In spirit, yeah.

Huh.

You want to read right now?

No, I'm cool with just hanging out with you.

Cool. I'm cool with that.

Yeah.

I'm comf‐‐ I'm cool either way.

What's it like being famous?

And then coming back like that?

It was wild.

Because when I was up there,

I remembered all of the people

who were mean to me.

And who made me feel small and stupid.

And how badly they made me want it.

To make it.

And then to come back and just give them two middle fingers,

you know?

Why didn't you do that?

Because I wasn't the same person.

I wish I were so I could have.

I just spoke from the heart.

That's all.

Maybe that's a bigger two middle fingers in a way.

Hmm.

So...

You don't like school,

and you don't know my music,

why did you become valedictorian?

Uh...

Wait‐‐

that's me with you?

I've never seen this photo before.

How is that possible?

I know it's just, it's just mine.

They used to print pictures,

and there were only like one or two.

So, that day my‐‐

that day my parent's gave us money to go to McCool's.

We were walking through Victory Park and people were

sledding and‐‐

we didn't have sleds.

So, you...

you took a garbage bag out of the garbage can and

shook all the garbage out of it.

Really?

Yeah, it was the‐‐

it was the coolest thing I'd ever seen.

You just‐‐

always had this faith

in whatever you were feeling

that it is worth doing

or saying.

I don't know what‐‐

I don't know what to do with this feeling.

Should we make it into a music video?

No.

No, it's just‐‐

No, it's just for us.

That was the best day of my life.

Better than today?

Yeah.

Hmm.

So, what do you want to do now?

And now, some words of wisdom from our valedictorian,

Um, can I uh...

Let me get the check first, then the speech.

Hmm?

Our valedictorian, Abbi Miller!

Congratulations.

I fucked him.

Woo!

My check!

Wooo!