Original subtitles

(Insects chirring)

(Thunder rumbling, wind blowing)

(All chanting in foreign language)

(Grunting)

- (Murtagh): They only know how to take.

But we will teach them sacrifice!

(Man chanting in foreign language)

- By Thor!

- (Murtagh): And we'll drink the blood.

The beast will rise!

And we will destroy the conquerors!

(All shouting battle cry)

(Both grunting)

(All shouting battle cry)

- (All): Magnusson!

- Magnusson!

(Man laughing)

King Argyle...

Murtagh captured Princess Evlynia.

They will bleed her to the beast.

- It's a trap.

We'll be slaughtered if we try anything.

She is lost.

- Lost? She is our Valkyrie.

Her doom will spell our doom!

- She's not worth risking my lands and my armies.

So we retreat.

- You are a coward worshipping a coward God!

You are unfit to be king.

Perhaps, even unfit to be alive.

- Northmen scum!

(Screaming)

- I am the new king!

- Wait!

- (Laughing): Come on.

(Screaming)

- Whoa, whoa! The fight's fucking over, OK?

I hit you, like, 10 times.

- What are you talking about?

You hit me once! - Game over!

You're fucking dead, OK?

- I've got a magical cloak of protection.

It's like armour! - You're dead!

My magical sword killed you. Ref!

Just give me back the fucking crown, OK?

Murtagh has way too many points

for us to do anything stupid like charging, right?

We'll fight him next weekend when we rally more guilds, OK?

Let's be honest.

Your precious little princess, she let herself get kidnapped.

- You're just a coward!

He's a coward, just a coward!

- OK, guys, come on! Stay in character.

It was a draw. Duel again.

- Oh, I'm not duelling again!

I won! - Let's go!

- Like, 50 people saw me. Look, ask--ask that guy!

I won.

- Ow!

- Victorious!

(All cheering)

- (Man): All right!

- Four kegs, Argyle's fort,

beer's on me!

(All cheering)

- Come on!

- Shut up! Dead people don't talk.

- Stay down for one more minute till you're resurrected.

You can just rebuild your clan with real warriors.

Men of courage! Like you.

(Chuckles)

- Bjorn...

(Speaking Spanish)

I want to be your Viking.

Let's be kings!

(� Sequentia singing Thes habet er ubar woroltring �)

(Siren wailing)

(Sighing deeply)

- You're leaving again?

- Yeah, just for a few days.

I think I found a job.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm!

- That's great.

How is it related to my brother's stupid game?

(Sighing)

- He only took me up there, like, a couple of times,

just for fun.

- How long are you going for?

- I don't know. I...

I kind of have...

It's making me a little crazy here.

- Look, can we talk about this later

when I'm back from work?

- No.

Yeah.

I just need to...

get some air.

- And you will call me?

- Mm-hmm.

Here's my ride.

(Coughing)

- Viking maiden's in there next.

- "Viking maiden's in there next."

Bye.

- (Murtagh): Who's the guy?

- A friend.

(Magnus groaning, water splashing)

(Coughing)

- (Lyn crying): Make him stop.

What are you doing? Make him stop!

(Panting)

- Thor almighty, god of thunder,

it is Ragnar�k, the end of our world.

I have not turned my back on you.

Give me the strength to win this battle.

I implore you!

Give me a sign!

Show me the way!

(Thunder rumbling, banging)

Yes.

I hear you.

Mj�llnir, hammer of thunder!

I hear you, Mj�llnir!

Mj�llnir!

I await you!

Thor!

I bathe in your storm!

I, Bjorn Magnusson,

your chosen one!

(Phone ringing)

- Lyn?

- Erik, I need to reave your hard body,

you bad, bad boy.

Too bad you're not hung

like that black dragon brother of yours.

Rest your libidinous heart, brother. It is I.

And the maiden will be back in your arms soon.

- Where is Lyn now, Bjorn?

- Bjorn?

- And I had a vision.

I need Mj�llnir.

- Bjorn?

- Do you have it?

- What?

- Mj�llnir, hammer of Thor!

Forged in ancient--

(Sighing)

- Erik?

Erik?

(Insects chirring)

(Grunting)

Murtagh!

I will crush your skull!

Ah!

- (Lyn crying): Make him stop!

What are you doing? Make him stop!

Stop him, please!

(Panting)

(Magnus speaking Icelandic)

- Dad, go to sleep!

(Knocking on door)

(Door creaking)

- Bjorn?

- Nay, sir, it is I!

Bernie.

And I come on a quest for your son, Bjorn,

who seeks his hammer, Mj�llnir, slayer of giants.

Oh! It's real!

The bill was real, too.

Hey!

Your brother wants me to pick up his hammer.

- All right.

(Sighing)

Knock yourself out.

- Oh!

Mj�llnir! Ah!

Hammer of the gods, forged in Valhalla!

I am not worthy.

(Grunting)

Come on!

I remember you used to enjoy

watching us play D&D all night until--

- Yeah, until I realized that the big kids were all losers.

- Well, at least we're the fun losers.

- Um, Evelyn, when she's up there,

where does she sleep?

- Uh, I don't know.

You know, now that Murtagh's captured her, you know,

these savages they all sleep in one big tent.

I know some girls,

they role-play medieval prostitutes

and they have sex with men who pay them in fake coins.

(Clicking tongue)

Listen, it's only gonna get worse.

As we say in accounting:

ravage, plunder, prima nocta!

You know, I knew a guy who once had 2 at once.

Take what you want!

(Sighing)

(Speaking Icelandic)

- English, Dad.

English.

(Sighing)

(Laughing)

- Thus come the Celts with full power upon us.

Therefore, you three go forth with swift dispatch

to line and new repair our northern and eastern flanks.

Meanwhile, I will work

to gain the allegiance of the elves.

(All cheering and laughing)

Did you guys get it, huh?

It's pretty good, right?

Shit, yeah!

- Mj�llnir...

hammer of Thor.

Behold! The hammer of thunder!

Mj�llnir!

(Screaming)

Mj�llnir!

The serpent that circles the Earth

writhes in fury.

With every breath,

he stains the soil and the sky with his poison.

The fire giants are marching against us,

carrying swords that blaze like the sun itself.

They scorch the Earth as they pass.

But I, Bjorn Magnusson,

will lead you heroes into Ragnar�k...

the final battle.

(Tires skidding in gravel)

(People shouting in distance)

(� Drum �)

- I don't wanna be a knight anymore.

- OK. Do you wanna play an elf? We still need more elves.

- Nope, elves are gay.

I'm just more the stoic, fighter type.

You know, swords...

- Hello.

You can't park here. This is for emergencies only.

You're blocking the entrance. But you can go to Lot 4.

- Yeah, no, I'm not staying.

I came to see someone.

- OK, but you're not in decorum.

- Decorum?

- (David): Who are you looking for?

- Uh, Lyn. I'm looking for Lyn.

- No, there's nobody here named Lyn.

- No, we'd have seen her register.

Unless, you mean her most immaculate Valkyrie

of the Viking folk...

- (Both): Princess Evlynia of the Icewind.

(Both laughing)

Wait! Whoa! Costume!

(� Men singing, indistinct �)

(All cheering)

(� Drum �)

(People shouting, indistinct)

- Decorum!

- (All): Decorum, decorum!

- You know, some guys plan a year in advance

for this event.

They don't want someone bursting their bubble

with modern stuff.

- Yeah, man, don't mess with decorum.

- What's your name?

- Erik Magnusson.

- Magnusson?

Like Bjorn Magnusson the Berserker?

- Like Bjorn Magnusson, scourge of the high seas?

- Yeah, I didn't come here to see him, all right?

I came here to talk to my girlfriend.

- Wait a minute.

Is Princess Evlynia your girlfriend? Oh, dude!

- (Chuckling): And you're her boyfriend?

Does she know you're coming?

- I really have to wear this shit?

- No.

You can leave if you want to.

(David laughing)

(Chuckles)

(Birds chirping and screeching)

- Swords, good.

All right, this is soft. Ready to go.

Spear is ready to be thrown.

This is dangerous.

Tip is missing. This is dangerous.

Somebody could get hurt.

(British accent): Much tears, much pain,

far from hospital.

Rule number one.

Understood?

(Grunting faintly)

(Crowd cheering, whistle blowing)

(Crowd chanting, indistinct)

(Whistle blowing)

(Crowd cheering)

- Fuck off!

- So are we next for throw ball, cabr�n?

- He lost the elfin alliance.

So unless Thor personally comes down

and kicks ass tomorrow, the Celts will win.

Sir Bernie! Leave the coward king!

Come back to us!

- (Miguel): Se�or Bernie!

- Join us!

- Se�or Bernardo!

- Leave the coward king! Join us!

- Join us, Se�or Bernardo!

- (Bjorn): Join us!

- (Miguel): Come on, Se�or Bernardo!

Se�or Bernie!

- By Thor...

a sign.

(Woman laughing)

Yah!

(Laughing)

This is a glorious day!

The Magnusson clan united!

Meet my little Viking brother.

- Bjorn, I'm not here to bother you, all right?

I know you're busy.

- Come, let us drink. Erik, huh?

- I don't want a drink.

- Oh, no, no. How is our father?

Clan patriarch Magnus, huh?

- He's the same as he was

when you came home 2 months ago, you know?

It was fine when you bailed on us.

He's great. He's up every night puking.

- Well, there was no room left at your place.

So out of respect for our elders,

I gave my place to Magnus.

- Where's Lyn, all right?

I know you brought her up here.

And I know you took her under your wing.

So where is she?

- Yes, yes, that's just it.

She was kidnapped by Murtagh.

And now since Argyle will not rescue her, the--

- Shut up, Bjorn!

Shut up!

I don't give a shit!

How many times did you bring her up here?

You brought her up here and you fucked shit up!

- Forget about all that.

Please, Erik, this is a time for peace, brother.

- You wanna make peace with me?

You come back into the city and you clean up Dad's shit!

All right? If not, then get the fuck out of my face!

Fucking take this shit off!

You look like an idiot!

(Screaming)

- He has the fiery spirit of the Magnusson, huh?

- It's OK.

By the way, this is David.

He wants to be a fierce Viking captain!

He used to be with Argyle,

but got tired of being the knights' butt monkey.

- It's not exactly like that, uh...

I'm not--I'm not a butt monkey, OK?

(Laughing)

- Come, looks like you need a drink.

- You're one weird transvestite, cabr�n.

- We're now entering the lands

of the dreaded shaman, Murtagh.

- Murtagh?

- Yeah, Murtagh.

- Well, this has been around for thousands of years.

The oldest symbol known to man.

The horned one.

- Who's gonna wear it? You?

- The hunt master.

Someone with the fury, with the beast inside of them.

Someone who is truly free.

(Growling)

Or someone with a great ass.

(Chuckling)

- I have a great ass.

- (Greg): Intruders!

- Oh!

- Intruders! Halt!

Intruders, intruders!

- Hey!

- (Greg): Intruders!

- You get me every time!

OK, OK!

- Referee, referee! False alarm!

False alarm!

- What the fuck is happening?

- I seek audience with the dreaded shaman, Murtagh!

- Shit!

- Lyn, wait! Lyn! I just wanna talk to her.

- She's our prisoner.

- Lyn!

Lyn...

Lyn, look, you're in a costume surrounded by--

Stop it!

- Hey, 5 times, cocksucker! Fall down, you're dead!

- I'm not fucking playing this game!

Lyn...

I'm not playing the fucking game!

Lyn...

- Ah, ah, ah, ah! Ha!

- Lyn, you're in a costume with guys in fur.

Seriously! Come on, Lyn.

This is the better life you wanted?

Huh? Is this...

Is this how you're gonna get more air?

Lyn, please, just listen.

- (Murtagh): Let him speak, Greg.

Let's see if this peasant has the eloquence

to woo the princess.

- Lyn, look,

if you wanna come up here on weekends,

I can't say anything to that, all right?

But what you said about feeling trapped--

- Role-play in character, cocksucker!

- OK, Lyn, things are really messed up at home right now.

But I will work it out. You just need to be patient.

- Oh, be patient! Be patient!

The lad wants us to be patient!

- Lyn, look at this.

Lyn, it doesn't have to end, all right?

It doesn't. It doesn't have to end.

- "It doesn't have to end. It doesn't have to end!"

Do we have anything to put in his end?

Is there any carrots around? Perhaps a cucumber?

How about my fist!

Go run, crybaby!

Go cry! Oh, poor boy!

Murtagh is no longer accepting audience.

We don't lie to him here.

(Birds chirping)

(Man shouting, indistinct)

(� Drums �)

- Yeah!

(People cheering and whistling)

- Vamoose! Valhalla!

- (Crowd): Oh!

(Applause)

(All cheering)

(Insects chirring)

(Thunder rumbling)

(Coyote howling)

- Yes, yes!

- (Bjorn): Come on!

- Whoo!

(Woman cheering)

(Crowd clapping to drumbeat)

- (All): Bjorn!

(Urine hitting ground)

- You see? Not so easy, is it?

Talking to a Viking princess.

(Chuckling)

Yeah, some women when they come up here,

need to be spoken to like queens, huh?

My fair lady,

the burdens you carry in ruling these realms are many,

but few have the privilege

of seeing the fair flower beneath.

Then they wanna be ravaged like beasts!

They want to be ordered!

"Undress before your Viking lord."

(Laughing)

- Shut up, Bjorn.

- Erik...

(Chuckling)

My brother...

Because my little brother

had the guts to come up here...

I will help him on his love quest.

- I don't need your help.

- But I know a way...

how you could get to your princess.

Alone.

Away from the shaman,

away from the savages.

Because these are my lands.

- How?

(Laughing)

- With the mighty hammer, Thor,

having attracted Erik Magnusson, his questing brother,

Bjorn Magnusson embarks on a perilous mission

to free the Viking princess, Evlynia,

from hell itself for the love of his brother.

- Murtagh, we're coming.

(Exhaling sharply)

- To Mexico!

- Your forests are not dark enough.

They're not thick enough.

(Blowing)

- How's that?

- Will he die a horrible death?

Or will he succeed

and rekindle the might of the Viking clan

and upsetting the power balance

in our war-torn world?

(Exhaling sharply)

That's it, yes!

God, yes!

(Flies buzzing)

Yes!

- Sorry, wait. I can't do it tonight.

I've got the wrestling and the fire breathing.

I just can't do it tonight.

- Mexican Vikings, unreliable.

- I don't know.

You settled last week. Murtagh might be pissed.

- Come on, Oliver. Tomorrow's the big battle.

After that, it's over. It should end with a bang.

Don't be a gnome.

- OK, stay with the Vikings. I'll go rev Murtagh.

- Copy. Yes!

- Yes! Awesome!

- I am Bjorn Magnusson,

son of Magnus Gunnarsson, son of Gunnar Olafsson.

And I swear upon Mj�llnir, hammer of Thor,

to give my strength, to give my blood,

to free the princess.

Where one of us fights, we all fight.

When one of us dies...

we all die.

Speak the words.

- Uh, my name is David Connelly.

I don't really know who my father is.

But I swear to fight

and to lend my strength and my blood

to be a Viking.

I, uh, bruise easily,

but I promise to try and work through that...

- Good.

- ...during a battle.

- You've done well. You too, do this.

- What?

- You've helped the Magnussons thus far.

- OK.

I, Tamara Pavetta,

swear to help this man,

Erik Magnusson, on his love quest.

- Hmm!

Erik Magnusson, speak the oath.

- We're not--we're not even Vikings, all right?

We were born in Canada, all right?

The oath is bullshit. This is...

This is completely stupid.

- Hmm...

- So, you will leave?

You will run knowing full well

that your woman is being ravaged all night

in a shaman's hut?

(Coyotes howling in distance)

- Come on!

Come on, I was with him for, like, a few months.

I lived with him. It's over now.

Things got fucked up.

I told him to forget about me. It's over.

- Are you sure?

- I thought this was about being free and stuff.

If it's not fun,

I'm gonna take this fucking catsuit off

and I'm gonna go.

If it's not fun, I'm leaving!

Is that OK with you?

(Sighing)

- Decorum.

- What?

- When you speak to me, you speak in character.

(Sighing)

- Fuck this! Fuck this!

Fuck!

- Come on, let's fuck this bitch!

- Get the fuck off of me!

Get the fuck off of me!

Fuck! You fucking psycho!

You fucking psycho!

(Screaming)

(Men shouting battle cry)

(Greg chanting in foreign language)

(Screaming)

(All shouting battle cry)

- Jesus Christ!

(Clearing throat)

- I am Erik Magnusson,

son of Magnus Gunnarsson, son of Gunnar Olafsson,

Viking warrior from Iceland!

- I am Erik Magnusson,

son of, uh, Magnus Gunnarsson,

son of Gunnar Olafsson, Viking warrior from Iceland.

- No, no, no!

You must be proud of your name, brother!

- I am Erik Magnusson,

son of Magnus Gunnarsson, son of Gunnar Olafsson,

Viking warrior.

- I have forgotten the sagas

and have renounced my bloodline!

- I have forgotten the saga-- Come on! Really?

- Louder! I have forgotten the sagas.

I have lost my warrior pride.

- I have forgotten the sagas

and I have lost my warrior pride.

- I have lost my warrior pride.

And because of that, I have lost my woman!

She has left me for another.

- I have lost my warrior pride.

And because of that,

I have lost my woman to another.

- Louder.

- I have lost my warrior pride.

And because of that--

- Louder, brother! The gods must hear you!

- I've lost my pride!

And because of that, Lyn dumped me!

(Breathing heavily)

- Yes.

Good, my brother!

Now rise, Erik Magnusson.

You are Viking.

And you are ready to fight for her.

(Sighing)

(Owl screeching)

(Bird chirping)

(Whispering): Wait here.

They have many scouts.

(Howling)

(Men howling)

- What's that noise?

- It's the Wild Hunt.

- What's the Wild Hunt?

- It's a night of frenzy

where the horned god

materializes in the form of a man-beast

and leads a group of huntsmen

in a mad pursuit across the countryside,

hunting, revelling, killing everything in their path.

- Only a few centuries ago,

man used to fear the woods and its creatures.

We, the people of the Earth,

must relearn to revere the forest,

to be one with the land!

To free the beast within!

(All growling and howling)

And for that, we must sacrifice!

(Growling)

(Owl screeching)

- (Tamara): Tonight, Murtagh will summon the beast

with the blood of a pure maiden,

Lady Evlynia.

The Hunt will race into the village

and send fear and despair

into the hearts of the warriors.

It'll take 2 extra hits to kill them.

It's a huge bonus.

- (David): How do we stop it?

- The Wild Hunt cannot be stopped.

(All chanting in foreign language)

- Get the fuck away from me!

- (Murtagh): You!

You who had no hope.

(All chanting in foreign language)

You who are lost.

Do you wanna live?

(Crying)

Do you wanna be free?

Can you?

Then you must die and be reborn!

(All cheering)

(Screaming)

(Muffled crying)

(Muffled screaming)

Reborn!

- LYN!

- Be still, my brother.

(All cheering)

(All laughing)

(All cheering)

- I knew you could handle it.

The beast is reborn!

(All cheering)

Princess!

(Panting)

Princess...

(All chanting in foreign language)

- (Bjorn): She's dead.

She belongs to the beast. We can't rescue her.

- (Erik): No, no.

We Magnussons will bring her back from the dead.

All right?

You create a diversion. I'll do the rest.

(Person whistling)

- What diversion?

- Just be yourself.

- Follow me. - Yes!

- Oliver?

Oliver, come in.

Where are you? It's happening!

- (Murtagh): Let the Wild Hunt begin!

(All cheering)

- (Bjorn): Murtagh!

(Both shouting battle cry)

- Hey!

One hit, no armour. You're dead!

- I've got your Wild Hunt right here, Murtagh!

And it feels good! It feels good!

(Bjorn chanting in foreign language)

(All shouting battle cry)

(Panting)

(Crickets chirring, owl hooting)

- You're officially a prisoner

of the Vikings.

The referees know about all this.

- (Muffled): What the fuck are you wearing?

- What? I can't hear you.

(Both chuckling)

- Right there.

(Spitting)

Stupid thing.

What the fuck are you wearing?

- Yar! I'm a Viking!

- Studded leather?

- I thought it looked pretty good.

- Well, it's all right.

- Kind of badass.

- It's kind of badass.

It's kind of not.

(Twig snapping)

- Oh, fuck this!

Come on, let's get out of here.

- Ow!

(People shouting in distance)

(Coyote howling)

- Well done!

Well done! You got her!

It was his plan all along, Princess.

(Laughing)

- Maybe you should come home after this weekend.

- Why? Does Father ask about me?

- Uh...

(Speaking Icelandic)

- What?

- I don't know. That's all he says.

- Oh...

Come, it is not safe.

They will send their demon dogs after us.

- Demons?

- Come on.

- He sucker-punched me, all right?

It came out of nowhere.

So what?

- (Panting): How was it?

I fucking missed it! I fucking missed it!

The elves, the elves...

- You knew about this? What about the rules?

No attacks in camps, no night skirmishes.

- "What about the rules?"

What--what the fuck, man?

Come on!

- What?

- What is this? Is it about her?

She's a slut, man! Let's move on!

- Why don't you move on, Greg?

Why don't you move on out of here?

Yeah, that's right.

(Thunder rumbling)

- (Bjorn): Ah!

Now that the Magnussons have retrieved

our holy Valkyrie,

will you fight for King Bjorn?

(All shouting battle cry)

- Ah, yes!

The Vikings have made it!

I don't know.

(Laughing)

- Brace yourselves! Wave!

(Screaming)

Oh! Man overboard!

(All laughing)

Bjorn, man overboard!

- Mind the helm, brother!

Raven!

Fetch the raven, boy!

The storm is too strong!

The symbol of Odin.

When a Viking ship is lost at sea,

only a raven can find land.

Eye of Odin!

Wing of Thor!

I release thee!

Now soar!

Soar, soar!

- Good evening.

- Fly!

(Laughing)

- Ah!

- Ah! Have you come to pledge allegiance

to the Magnusson clan

now that we have retrieved our Valkyrie?

(Vikings laughing)

- No! Nay!

Uh, the magnanimous King Argyle is ready

to marry with the Princess Evlynia,

thus uniting with the Vikings

in the coming more with Murtagh.

(All laughing)

- No!

That is a pile of medieval bullshit!

(Vikings cheering)

No one will touch Princess Evlynia!

The Magnussons are subjects to no one!

- No one!

And you! You, Cpt. Bernard!

Once, you swore allegiance on Mj�llnir.

The gods have not forgotten!

Come back to us! Join us!

- My men are not traitors.

Do you refuse this allegiance?

- Yes, we refuse!

- (Vikings): Yes! Yeah!

- Very well.

If you wish to be turncoats,

then you shall die as turncoats.

Blow the horn.

(Laughing)

- Holy shit!

- Come, my brother.

I will protect you and your princess.

(Laughing)

Now go!

Your lust will carry this ship to victory!

(Speaking Icelandic)

- What?

- Why does my son have sombre dreams?

Why does my son have sombre dreams?

That's what Odin, in our sagas,

asks of his beloved son.

- Thanks.

- What say you?

- The captured Viking princess takes off her boots

because her feet are so damn tired

from running around.

� Viking princess Viking princess �

� Look at me I'm a Viking princess �

- (Bjorn): We will all die glorious deaths!

(Vikings shouting battle cry)

Come on!

...to the crow's nest!

- This is it, Lyn, huh?

This is--this is what makes you

feel like a princess?

Wrestling with foam swords?

Is that how you feel like a princess?

'Cause I can make you feel like a princess.

- So come here.

(Sighing)

- (Bjorn): We will all have dined

in the best hall of Valhalla!

(Vikings shouting battle cry)

Come on! Come get it!

(Vikings shouting battle cry)

Come and get it!

Ah, come on!

(Women shouting shrill battle cry)

The elves! Are they with us or against us?

- Lyn, I will--I will...

God, I will follow you forever.

I--I will dress up like a fucking Viking

and fight off guys with rubber swords and beer bellies

to be with you.

Lyn, you gotta stop this bullshit, all right?

(Sighing)

Listen, I can't do this anymore.

Yeah, I know my life is shit

and I've gotta deal with stuff with my dad.

But if you want me to leave...

for Christ's sake, just say it!

(Sighing)

- Erik...

(Sighing)

We can't--

(Sniffing)

- (Tamara): This is insane!

Oliver!

Oliver, it's out of control!

I think they wanna have the big battle tonight.

- We have decided to ally ourselves

with the courageous King Bjorn!

(Vikings cheering)

- What? King Bjorn? What the fuck?

No, no, that's not legal!

No, no!

- Oh, Argyle!

I, King Bjorn, will lead the great battle tomorrow!

(Vikings cheering)

(Chuckling)

� He's got no guts He's got no balls �

- (Vikings): � He's got no guts He's got no balls �

- (Bjorn): � He hides behind his rotten balls �

- (Vikings): � He hides behind his rotten balls �

- (Bjorn): � Because his name is Lady Argyle �

- Very good.

(Laughing)

(Laughing)

(Coyote howling)

- (Vikings): � Lady Argyle �

� And his name is Lady Argyle �

- (Bernie): Murtagh!

It's Murtagh!

- Murtagh...

- Ambrosia, if you don't restore me as king,

I won't allegiance with you.

And then you'll get creamed by Murtagh.

So what are you gonna do?

- Ah! Coward!

You're always charging backwards!

- Boys! You can both be kings...

of my eastern and western kingdoms,

of my mountains and my valleys.

But for now,

shut the fuck up and let's rock'n'roll!

- Hail Empress Ambrosia!

(All cheering)

- Hail the allegiance!

(All cheering)

- Oliver, Argyle and Bjorn are even allies.

It's insane!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Easy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Oh shit!

- Don't worry about it. We've got 'em covered.

My brother's out there

with all the Vikings and the elves now.

We're all good. Don't worry about it.

- No, no, no, no.

- Tonight was supposed to be for parties and ceremonies

for the battle tomorrow.

Tamara authorized an attack on a camp

which is normally not allowed.

- Which you agreed to, Oliver.

- Look, look, look.

Why--why don't we count the sacrifice

and assume that the Wild Hunt took place

and they can get a plus-2 spell bonus for tomorrow?

- Fuck no, man!

He lost her. They rescued her.

No, no bonus. You allowed it, too bad!

- (Bjorn): No, the princess stays with us!

- (Argyle and Vikings): Yeah!

- Wind-messenger spell!

Wind-messenger spell!

He is intangible, invincible!

No weapons can harm him!

Shaman of the Earth!

- Are you kidding me? What the fuck?

- Those are the rules.

He has spells. He is immaterial.

He can pass through.

Those are the rules! He has weapons!

He can pass through!

- What the fuck is that?

- He is invincible, intangible!

- (Lyn): Be nice, OK?

- Oh, come on!

- Be nice!

- (Sighing): Fuck this!

- (Oliver): Wind-messenger spell!

Wind-messenger spell!

Wind-messenger spell! Wind-messenger spell!

Wind-messenger spell! Wind-messenger spell!

(Laughing)

- You shouldn't have brought him up here.

- He is invincible, intangible!

You cannot see him!

Please, leave.

- I'm not going anywhere.

- Princess, I have a real situation out there.

I mean, a lot of the guys,

they come up here and this is the only thing they do.

This is their release, their escape.

Just like you came up here to escape, right?

We need you for the game.

We need you for the Wild Hunt.

- Are you sure you can't just run into the woods

and find a little bunny and rip his head off

and sacrifice him and fuck him?

Or whatever you do to these people out here.

- Um, Lyn, I--I...

I need you to come with me tonight.

We need you.

Please, just for tonight

and then that's--that's all.

That's all. Just--

- Hey, hey, no hands! Ref!

- You can't touch her.

- OK.

- (Argyle): You guys wanna fight, huh?

- I've got a wind-messenger spell for you.

- Where's your leader? Oh! Where did he go?

Huh? What the fuck? Come on!

Come on!

(Knight laughing)

Come on, boys.

- Just don't ruin it for the guys. Just...

Come with us tonight.

- Why don't one of the guys start stripping?

Wouldn't that get all your motors running?

In your fur and your pelts.

- What are you laughing at?

- See him with his beer gut out.

- Hey, Lyn, what are you laughing at?

You wanna go back to this, huh? Living like this?

With him? In a one and a half?

- Would you rather go back with skull face? Oh yeah!

- In your one and a half?

- You could do each other's makeup.

- It's not funny.

I just need you to come with me tonight.

- No touching! Hey!

- Just please-- - You can't touch her!

- Hey!

Do you wanna do something?

Try it! I'll rip your fucking head off!

- Done, time!

- I'll rip your fucking head off!

- Time's up! Spell's over!

- I asked you for one night!

One night, you stupid bitch!

One night!

- Spell's over!

Murtagh's astroform must re-enter his body!

- Take a step. Take one fucking step!

- (Oliver): Done! Time's up, time's up!

Spell's over!

Spell's over!

- Where's your pappy?

Aw, did he leave you all alone,

you big shitheads?

Come on, fuckers! Fight!

Huh? Fight! Come on!

- (All chanting): Fight, fight, fight!

- (Oliver): Spell's over!

Spell's over!

Murtagh's astroform was whisked back to his body!

He's intangible! You don't see him!

- Well done, brother! You angered the shaman!

Now we will have our Ragnar�k!

- Don't touch me.

- What's wrong? - I don't feel good.

- You want some air?

- Mm-mmm.

- No weapons can harm him!

Spell is almost over.

- (All chanting): Fight, fight, fight!

- He's intangible!

(Chanting stops)

- (Woman): What?

- (Bernie): Oh, come on!

- No way!

- You've gotta be kidding!

- You big bunch of pussies!

I can't believe this shit!

- (Bernie): Come on!

- (Argyle): Bush leagues!

(Sighing)

- Let's go out and get some air.

- Secret door!

(Coughing)

- You OK? Watch your head.

Careful.

(Breathing heavily)

(Owl hooting)

Come on, let's go.

- Maybe Oliver can change their minds

once they cool down.

- Yeah, right!

- He seemed pretty pissed with Princess Evlynia

and Bjorn's brother.

- Uh, yeah! - Really? You think so?

- Where are they?

Did your foul breath drive Murtagh away again?

- Hmm, no.

I think maybe it was your brother

having sex with his girlfriend, you fucking idiot!

He's fucking gone!

No thanks to you and your stupid-ass family!

What the fuck?

What the fuck were you thinking?

- Well, we'll...

We could give Princess Evlynia back to him

to satisfy his blood lust.

- No, no Bjorn!

We can't give him anything back to satisfy any fucking lust!

You fucked it up!

- All right, I'll get the princess back.

And the big battle is upon is, by Thor!

This is not the time to cry!

- Bjorn, do you realize how long it took me

to get up here?

Jesus! And you had to fuck it up!

- I'll bring her back!

The big battle is still upon us!

I'll-I'll bring her back.

- Let's get the fuck out of here.

- I'll bring her back!

I'll get the princess and bring her back!

- Goddamn it!

- Keys...

(Coughing faintly)

(Breathing heavily)

(Engine clicking)

(Sighing)

Shit!

- This is fucking brilliant.

This is so much fun.

I'm having such a blast right now.

You know that?

My fucking hero comes up here with his piece-of-shit car

to bring me back to fucking be a part

of his piece-of-shit life!

- You stupid cunt!

It's all your fault!

No fighting in camps,

no going back on past victories--

- Would you fucking relax?

- She's a fucking ref and she should know better, OK?

But no, instead, she sabotages the game

with her bullshit crushes on those little retards! OK?

Hey, Tamara, if you wanted to get laid so bad...

- He wants to fuck you, Lyn!

Fuck you!

Goddamn it!

- God, this is great.

- Lyn!

- Suck my DICK!

- Lyn!

Evelyn, get in the car!

- "Evelyn, Evelyn!"

What are you, my fucking dad?

- Bjorn and his stupid fat, ugly little brother

chasing after that bitch. For what?

- Because she swore an oath to Mj�llnir, dickhead!

- I'm sorry. Who the fuck are you?

- I'm a Viking berserker.

And you're a coward!

- Erik!

- (Lyn): What, did you just drive--

- You little shit!

- Ah!

- Get off! Get off of me!

Erik!

- Magnusson! Magnusson!

(Erik groaning)

- Lyn! Lyn!

- She was already dead when we rescued her.

- They're really gonna hurt her!

- She belongs to Murtagh.

- Ah!

- ...for the battle! This is Ragnar�k!

- It's over!

The fucking... game... is over!

- Ragnar�k!

- God!

- Get the fuck off me! Get the fuck off me!

Fuck off!

- You see that? Bernie, you see that?

Greg-ash got the princess!

Guys, get your stuff.

We're storming the fucking Celts.

- From this point forward,

let no man say King Argyle's a coward!

(Panting)

- Lyn!

(Thunder rumbling)

(Sniffing)

- Murtagh!

Remember what I said.

Murtagh!

- The beast is rising!

The princess is back with Murtagh.

The savages will fight.

- (Erik): Lyn!

- Seems that we need to be tested in battle.

Very well.

Ragnar�k will test us in battle.

- You wanted her. Here she is.

Trust me, now...

she'll play.

- I didn't wanna anger you.

- Put on the mask!

Take the fucking mask!

- Here.

- Are we good?

Come on, man. Are we OK here?

This doesn't have to end.

This doesn't have to end.

(� Horn �)

- In the name of my name!

(All shouting battle cry)

- Intruders!

(Laughing)

Intruders!

- I have slain Murtagh!

(All cheering)

- Ha ha!

Retreat!

- Stay the fuck down, Murtagh, man!

I have slain the Celtic god!

Look at me!

Ah! What the fuck?

Fuck!

- Take the knife.

Take it! Take it!

- (Argyle): What the fuck are you doing?

Bernie! What are you doing?

- He must die and be reborn.

He must die and be reborn.

Just like you.

(Panting)

(Screaming)

- No!

(Lyn crying)

- Oh God!

(Screaming)

(All shouting battle cry)

(No audio)

(Panting)

(Crying)

(Screaming)

(Celts shouting battle cry)

- Stop the fucking game!

- What happened?

- Fucked things! Oh shit!

- What's going on?

- It's Murtagh! Oh shit!

- Oliver? Oliver, where are you?

Hello?

- Yeah, hi. Uh, my name's Erik Magnusson.

We need the police.

- What is going on?

- (Oliver): No! No!

- Shit! - Oh my God!

Oliver, what is going on?

(Panting)

(Whispering, indistinct)

(Laughing)

- Murtagh! Oh yeah!

Yeah! Oh! Remember me?

You're the one!

(Chuckling)

(Wind blowing)

(Door banging repeatedly)

(Laughing)

- Whoo!

To arms, to arms!

The big battle is beginning!

The Celts are attacking!

(Breathing heavily)

This is gonna get rough!

(Laughing)

- Cpt. Bernard!

- Whoa!

Bjorn, we'll fight together!

(Laughing)

Yes! Ragnar�k!

(Knights cheering)

- Get this fucking thing off of me!

- The Wild Hunt.

- Oh!

- Bjorn! What happened?

- Ow! Ow!

- Ow! Ah!

(Women screaming)

- What happened? What's going on?

- If I were you, I'd get out of here.

- (Tamara): To the fort!

Everyone to Argyle's fort right now!

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

- Lyn! Lyn!

Lyn!

(Screaming)

- Erik?

- Get off her!

- Fucker!

- Come on, let's get out of here!

- (Tamara): To the fort!

Come on, everybody!

- Lyn is still out there!

They're taking it for real!

- (David): Close the doors!

- We need help.

- Get some wood or something.

- Fuck! No!

Shit!

- Erik!

- What are you-- Tamara, no!

- Fuck!

- Tamara!

- Let me go!

(Both grunting)

Are you guys really just gonna stand there?

You're not warriors! You're a bunch of cowards!

Bjorn!

"The fiery blood of the Magnusson!"

Where the fuck is your blood?

Come on!

You're a fucking pussy!

You're just gonna leave your little brother out there?

(Men grunting, horns honking)

- Ah! Get out of the way!

(Horn honking)

Get out of the way!

Ah! Ow!

Ow! No, stop!

No!

- (Erik): Lyn!

Lyn!

- Hey.

- Shit!

Shit! Come on.

Oh fuck! Oh fuck!

(Greg chuckling)

- (Celts): Oh!

- Shit!

- Stop him, please!

What are you doing?

Stop him! Stop him!

Stop! Stop!

- Oh!

- (Crying): Make him stop!

What are you doing? Make him stop!

Make him stop!

Please!

(Lyn screaming)

- Erik!

(Coughing)

- Greg!

That's enough!

- No!

(Gasping for breath, coughing)

- Murtagh!

(Crying)

(Coughing, spitting)

- Erik!

Get away from him.

Erik!

(Erik wheezing and gagging)

Get an ambulance! Just get an ambulance!

- (Greg): Murtagh!

Murtagh!

Murtagh!

- Ah!

- Erik...

(Crying)

- Lyn!

- His love freed the princess

from the grasp of the deceitful shaman,

earning Erik a place in Valhalla...

where he now resides with her,

locked in eternal bliss.

As for the deceitful one...

Though he escaped, fooling men with his lies...

he could not fool almighty Thor.

And as for our clan...

they keep watch, ready to fight.

Because it is written.

Ragnar�k is coming.

To this day, armies mass,

they--they gather in strength,

waiting, waiting...

for that final battle.

(No audio)

But I, Bjorn Magnusson,

have not earned the right to share in their glory.

I will not destroy the One Ring.

I will not wield Excalibur.

(All shouting battle cry)

And I will not save the world.

(Men shouting battle cry in distance)

I will not fight...

alongside the mighty Thor at Ragnar�k.

(Thunder rumbling)

(� Sequentia singing Thes habet er ubar woroltring �)

(Thump on door)

(Sighing)

Ah!

Ah!

(Screaming)

(Breathing heavily)