Original subtitles

- Oh, that's fine, hon. - Of course.

Oh, I completely understand.

Honestly, fine, please.

Yeah, we will.

All right, love you. Bye.

- [footsteps descending stairs. - What happened? What happened?

Charlotte's pulled out.

Oh, my Go... I thought you'd hurt yourself.

She ate some old rice,

and now she says she's too sick to come.

I knew she'd fucking do this.

This specifically?

Don't eat rice from the fridge

if you don't know how long it's been there.

I mean, she's probably lying, isn't she?

That would be just like her.

- Let's get you up. - All right, come on.

Our numbers are all out now.

We may as well cancel.

See, this is why I don't throw parties...

Because nobody gives a shit.

- Okay, we can't cancel now. - Everyone's on their way.

Oh, my God. Call Dan.

- No. - Why not?

Because he's got a girlfriend!

Oh, he was over the other night.

Mm... they're open.

Christ, what's that mean, then?

It means that, uh, he's in love with her

but actually has sex with me.

Well, that's perfect.

You look like a total slut tonight.

- Oi! - The tits!

Well... Good point, actually.

No, no, no, no. I'll call Joe.

- I'll call Joe. - Really?

Yeah, he's always keen to hang out.

- Joe. Joe. - Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Joe.

We're doing this murder-mystery party thing at our house,

and, um, I thought you might be free tonight?

You are? Great. Fantastic.

Tell him to bring a chair.

- Sorry. What? - We don't have enough.

What were we gonna do before?

I don't know, take turns on the ones we have.

Uh... sorry, yes.

Uh, can you bring a chair? This is a very weird question.

Yeah.

Great. Okay, I'll see you soon.

Okay, great. See you soon.

I'm so sorry. I have to go.

It's okay.

- Little welcome treat?

Much obliged. Merci beaucoup.

So where were you on the night of the murder?

I was in the kitchen.

- Mm. - Yeah.

Um, so how do you know Jessie?

- Yeah, we... - We went to school together.

- Ah, okay. Okay. - Yeah.

Didn't actually get along that well.

Oh, right, what... what did you...

What sort of arguments did you have?

Um, not so much...

I stole money from her.

Okay.

Did I find my own fingerprints?

- Mm. - No.

- I'll get back to you later. - Okay.

Well...

Hello, there, little missy.

I can't help but notice you're left-handed

the same as the killer.

- Are you done? - Play along.

Go away.

What's your issue?

- What? - Nothing.

That a wig?

Are you a fan of British comedy?

Yeah. Yeah.

You haven't seen British comedy

until you've seen Manuel

absolutely struggle with some plates.

- "Fawlty Towers." Very good.

That's right, yeah.

It's like we're so glued to our phones,

we can't even look at someone face-to-face anymore.

- Mm. Completely. - You know, even just yesterday...

Yeah, it's like we've been conditioned

to become these, like, narcissistic mindless freaks.

- Mm-hmm. - Or rewarded with likes.

It's an addiction.

Sorry, do you need any help in here?

I'm good. Thank you.

That's mighty kind of you.

You like the red wine?

It's good for a cheap wine, I guess.

- Different strokes. - Yeah.

- Well, it can't have been me.

I was visiting the apothecary.

Apothecary. Apothecary.

Apothecary.

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Okay if you're busy.

Jesus Christ, what have you done?

What are you doing?

I'm getting into character.

Well, can you hurry up?

I think I might actually kill Sarah at this party.

- Sounds like that there may be

two murders on our hands this evening.

- What was that? - What?

Don't do that voice out there.

Please don't do that voice.

- Don't do it. - Okay!

Oh!

Oh, oh.

Hello?

Hello.

- Sorry, is this Jessie? - It's Tom.

Tom!

Of course, sorry.

I, uh, I just obviously... What I did...

I didn't save your number in my phone,

so it just kind of came up as a random number instead.

How are you, pal?

Uh, yeah, I'm good.

Hey, sorry to call out the blue.

Are you up to anything right now?

No. No. No. Um, w-why?

I have this audition I've got to do.

Congratulations? I...

- The character's Australian. - Oh, gross.

- Yeah, yeah, right.

Um, well,

you're the closest I've got

to an Australian, I mean, and, um,

I-I just thought maybe you'd be able to tell me

if I'm completely embarrassing myself with this accent.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. I mean...

- Oh, you mean come over now? - Yeah.

I-I know it's short notice, but, um, I don't know,

I-I just thought m-maybe you'd be keen...

Uh, to record it, I mean, to... to help me.

- - Mm-mm-mm, yeah, yeah, no, no.

Um, yeah, sorry, of course. Come on over.

I mean, like...

That's totally fine. Yeah.

Great. Okay, thanks.

- Cool. - I mean...

I mean, I'm always keen to help an old cobber

if he's in a bit of a pickle.

Actually, I've just remembered I'm busy tonight.

I'm kidding.

Of course. Yeah, sorry, sorry.

- I'll see... I'll see you soon. - Okay, yeah.

Okay. All right, bye!

- Bye. - Bye-bye, bye, bye.

That's fine.

That's... yeah.

- Hello? - Hi, it's Joe.

Quick, get in before anyone sees.

Yeah.

Why have you brought two chairs?

Didn't know what kind you'd want.

- Christ.

- Ah! Joe, hi.

Thanks for coming.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Um, we actually have met before.

No costume.

- I-I didn't really have time. - I...

Your character is Baroness von Humperdinck,

a socialite with a checkered past.

Right. Wow.

Well, I'll try and fit this through.

I don't know if she likes me.

- I don't think she does. - Okay.

- How can you say

that I am the murderer

when at the same time as the murder,

I caught these two in the early stages of coitus?

- Both of you! - Ooh!

How do you explain that?

- I hardly know this bird.

I was portside, swabbing the deck.

So sorry, I can't understand

what accent you're trying to do.

Right, well, it's a Cockney.

It's clearly a British Cockney accent.

- That was Cockney? - Yeah, that was, actually.

Excuse me, there has been a murder.

Nobody is doing an accent, so let's focus on the murder.

Yes. The murder.

Well, I certainly have an alibi.

You see, I was down at the old mill.

'Cause I'm an oil man, I was searching for oil.

Oil mill, so I am spoken for. Much obliged.

Those accents, you're fine with, though.

Yeah, I can understand good accents.

- I've got it.

- Who's that, then? - I'll get it.

If that's Charlotte, tell her she's trespassing.

It says here at 8:55 a.m.,

the kitchen boy found a bloody cummerbund

on the cellar floor.

- G'day, mate.

- Hi. - Hi.

Wow, uh, what are you wearing?

- Oh! - This... this old thing?

Uh, no, we're just having some friends over for dinner.

Just a casual thing.

Okay, uh, is it still all right for me to come in?

- Of course. Yeah, totally.

- What are these? - Oh, uh, yeah.

I, um, I didn't want to turn up empty-handed,

and these are the only things I've seen you eat,

so they're for you.

- Oh.

Oh, that's so sweet. Wow.

Let's get these in some water, shall we?

Your weapon card.

You've got the weapon card, so you keep that.

Oh, yeah, there's a main course, yes.

- Hi, guys, sorry. This is Tom. - Tom, this is everybody.

- Hi, everyone. - Hey.

- Well, Tom. - Hi, Tom.

Oh, my God, Tom, hi!

How are you? I'm so glad to see you!

Are you, um, coming to my party?

Good thing I brought two chairs.

Or you'd have been on the floor, mate.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry, he's not,

um, staying for the party,

he's just here to record something,

so he's gonna be really quick.

My room, up the stairs on the right.

We're in the middle of a game.

- I'm not the murderer. - It's fine.

- What?

Okay, so that ruins everything.

Just get a grip, okay?

Look, you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

We're all nearly in our 30s.

Was that Tom Kapoor?

Be classy. Please.

- No, that's weird.

- Hi. - Hi.

- This is my room. - It's very nice.

- Yeah.

I'll give you the grand tour.

Um...

This is a plant I've recently killed.

Oh, yeah, that looks really dead.

- Yeah.

Thank you for doing this, by the way.

- It's really helpful. - No, that's fine.

It's good to have an excuse to get away

from everything downstairs, so...

Right, well, I promise it'll be over quick.

I actually have a super early flight tomorrow, so...

Sure, I... yeah, and I've, um,

got to reset the mousetraps in the kitchen

tomorrow morning as well, so we've both got big days.

- Right, yeah.

- Should we, uh... - Yeah, sorry.

- He had sex with Jessie. - Yes!

Oh, my God.

- Was it on purpose? - Don't say it like that!

I'm not saying it like anything... I'm just surprised.

I'm more surprised she's into him.

- Well, that's stupid. - He's stunning and rich.

- Yeah, did you smell him? - He smelled so good.

Yeah, rich people always smell good.

I don't think Jessie's the kind of person

who goes for that sort of stuff.

Every person looks for that sort of stuff.

- There's no other stuff. - How old is he?

He's 32. I've already checked.

He's probably lying.

Celebrities always do that.

He actually plays squash at my club.

- No.

How could you not tell me that?

Oh, my God.

I thought I mentioned it the... the other day.

And action.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Should I say "action"?

That's... what is... What's industry standard?

- Don't say "action." - Don't say "action."

Got it. Okay, thank you.

Sorry, I've got the first line.

Sorry, sorry.

Okay, I won't say "action."

- Yeah. Yeah. - I'll just do the line.

Ah, okay.

So, all right. Okay.

- Okay.

With all due respect, Mr. Ashton,

if you think you can come here and demand the plans

for the Willoughby Farm, you are sadly mistaken.

- I'm not asking. I'm telling.

- Jessie. - Sorry. Sorry!

- You okay? - Yeah. Yeah.

- What's up? - I don't want to freak

about that... That was really good.

- That was just, um... - Okay, don't act so surprised.

- I'm not surprised, I'm just... - I'm impressed. I'm impressed.

- Whoo. Okay. - Okay.

I've heard it once now, so I can jump in.

- Yeah. Fine. Cool. - Okay. Here we go.

With all due respect, Mr. Ashton,

if you think you can come here and demand the plans

for the Willoughby Farm, you are sadly mistaken.

- I'm not asking. I'm telling.

I can't... well, I won't be told anything.

- You misunderstand. - This is a courtesy.

I'm not waiting for your permission.

- Come on!

I just... it's so good that it's freaking me out.

- Okay, okay, we'll do it again. - Okay, fine. One more?

- Professional. I'm sorry. - Yeah. Okay.

- This is the one. - Okay. Here we go.

- Whew.

With all due respect, Mr. Ashton,

if you think you can come here and demand the plans

for the Willoughby Farm, you are sadly mistaken.

- I'm not asking. I'm telling.

I won't be told anything.

- You misunderstand. - This is a courtesy.

I'm not waiting for your permission.

Move aside, Mr. Mayor.

- He's the mayor? - Jessie!

- Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry! - Come on!

That's just a big plot point.

- Okay, give me the phone. - No, no, no, no, no.

- One more. - I promise. I promise.

- You get one more shot. - Yes.

- Okay. Sorry, just really...

He's the mayor? That's insane.

Yeah, I know, it's a wild plot twist.

Wow... okay.

I'm gonna ask if he wants to stay for dinner.

- Yes. - Oh, such a nice touch.

- Do it. - Jessie will be mortified.

It's fine. I'll be chill.

Are we done playing the murder mystery game?

Can... can I take this hat off now?

No!

I thought that was just what you normally wear.

I thought you looked really good, actually.

- You misunderstand. - This is a courtesy.

I think these are pretty good.

You seem Australian.

Now all I have to do is master the New Zealand accent.

- Can't be done. Don't even try.

- Can't be done. Don't even try.

Okay. You're good.

I can't believe you can just watch yourself back like that.

Comes with the job, I guess.

- I would hate to watch myself. - Why?

'Cause I'd hate to just look at my own face.

- I think you have a nice face.

That's a lovely thing to say.

If only I respected your opinion.

Oh.

Mm.

Can I talk to you for a second?

- What do you want?

- How's it going in there? - Fine. Yeah.

Is that all you called me out here for?

- Is Tom staying for dinner? - No.

- He's probably, yeah, gonna go. - Oh. Probably.

- Yeah. I think so. - Okay.

- Oh. - Hmm.

- What are you... - Don't. Don't. Don't!

Tom, uh, Jessie and I were wondering

if you wanted to stay for dinner.

- Uh, yeah. That'd be great. - Thanks.

- Great!

I'll make up a place.

- See you out there. - Okay.

Thanks, Kate.

- You totally don't have to stay. - No, no, please. I'd like to.

Great. Gr... yeah.

Let me just...

Oh, no, you don't have to do that.

- Well, you never know. - Might save him.

Mm. Thanks.

That's actually a she, though, so...

- Hurry up. - Everyone give a spoon.

- Quickly. - Quick as you can, please.

Okay.

Joe?

It looks as though he has enough there.

- Do you want some bread, Tom? - Yes, how old are you, Tom?

- Um, no, I'm good for bread. - Thank you.

Could I get some more parsley, though?

Oh, of course.

- I'm joking. - He's jok...

- There's actually a lot.

Really impressive.

No one else thought that was rude?

- Shut up. - I didn't.

Yeah.

Reese Witherspoon!

No, it's not Reese Witherspoon.

- Natalie Portman! - What is this game?

A celebrity is coming to dinner,

but will they fit through the door?

- The Duchess of Cambridge! - Who?

So we have to guess who they are

- based on their height? - Yes.

What if they don't fit?

Then they're not invited to dinner.

- Jason Statham! - No, it's not Jason Statham.

Ooh, ooh, Reese Witherspoon!

- Shia LaBeouf! - No, it's not Shia LaBeouf.

- It's never him. - No one ever picks him.

- Ooh, Scarlet Johansson! - Yes!

- Oh, my God.

How did you guess that?

Oh, well, she came up to about here on me.

- You met her?

- Very cool. - That's an unfair advantage.

Wait, so did you work with her?

No, we just met a couple times.

- Very cool. - She's so tiny.

I could fit her entire body into my body.

Mm, she could wear your skin as a onesie, couldn't she?

- All right, me next. - Give me the tape measure.

Right, so, um, okay.

- Um, oh-oh-oh! - Oh, tall!

I'd actually prefer it if she wore your skin as a onesie.

- Sorry, what was that? - You... you heard what I said.

- No, I-I can't quite... - I said I'd actually prefer it

if she wore your skin as a onesie.

- That's dis... disgusting. - I think it's very...

Why would you say that to me?

- Hagrid! - It can't be a character!

- Yes. - Oh!

- Hagrid's taller than that. - No!

Yeah, you can...

You can... if you want to stay, you can stay.

It's obviously an early

morning for you, so...

If you want to stay over, that's fine.

Like watch a movie or... or...

You should stay. Yeah.

If you want to stay, if that's what you want.

Well, I would like it. We can fit both.

I'm happy to...

To host there, like...

You want to have sex? Okay.

Sure. Let's have sex.

What are you saying?

What are you saying to yourself?

Just ask him to stay.

Would you like to stay over?

Don't do the hand.

Bye! Thank you! Mwah!

Oh, no, um, sorry.

- That's actually mine. - Oh.

- And that's mine as well. - That one.

I brought it from home.

- Sorry, mate. - That's all right.

Mate.

Jessie is a really special girl.

Yeah, she is.

We all just adore her.

Me too.

And we think Dan's just great for her at the moment.

Oh.

Are they seeing each other again?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's pretty on-and-off, but, um, from what I'm hearing,

it's very much on at the moment.

I think I've met him, actually.

- That's great. - He's great. He's great guy.

Yeah, he's a great guy.

- Okay.

No.

No. No, no, no.

Oh. Ah, are you off?

Yeah. I've got to go pack.

Oh, um...

Right, I was gonna say, if you wanted to stay, um...

- What?

Stay and what?

- My little Miss Scarlet.

- Hey, Dan. - Hey, man.

Did you save me some food?

Bye.

Do you have anything that's vegan?

Bye.

I'm off, then.

Oh, and, um, if Kate needs to know,

I was the murderer.

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