Original subtitles

BARBARA: Death is a powerful reminder

to be present in the moment,

to put aside our differences

as we are united in grief,

to feel gratitude for the time we get to share...

I love this so much!

- Oh, God. - (LAUGHS)

- Why aren't you crying? - Hmm?

Oh, I'm so overwhelmed with grief, the tears aren't coming.

Please stop texting at my funeral.

Emma, what did I say to you before we started doing this?

If I'm not quiet, I won't have to pretend to be dead?

- BARBARA: That's right. - OK.

Emma Dawes was someone who truly lived.

She approached her work with passion and enthusiasm.

- (LAUGHS) - What?

You arrived 40 minutes late this morning.

She said passionate, not punctual.

- I'm done. - No! Sorry.

I'll be quiet. You have to do this for your celebrant's license.

Yeah, the funeral course is optional.

I'll be a good corpse.

- Where are you going? - Hmm? Back to work.

- Someone has to finish my eulogy. - I'm good, thanks, mate.

Please?

Ple-e-e-a-a-s-e?

- Lie down. - (LAUGHS)

Um...

... Emma Dawes was one of a kind,

a fashion icon...

- (PHONE RINGS AND BUZZES) - Sorry, mate.

Hello. Daniel McCallum, of McCallum Real Estate.

- Turn your phone off! - Sorry, I'm at a funeral.

Oh, no, no, a fake funeral for my friend. She's fine.

Yeah, 3 pm is perfect. OK. See you then.

- Mate, I've gotta get back to work. - Fine. I'm having a nap.

Turn the lights off!

SONG: ? Yeah, we know ?

? Even if we had so far to go ?

? Even if the pace is slow ?

? Well, I'll be coming home to you again ?

? If we find ?

? Something to feel that we belong ?

? If we can right all the wrongs ?

? Well, I'll be coming home to you again. ?

It's just so weird seeing Mum in normal clothes at work.

EMMA: I know.

Ooh! We're bosses now. Why don't we have casual Fridays?

Or casual any day?

You wear jeans and cardigans to work every day.

How much more casual can you get?

Oh, I can get more casual.

I don't know what I thought she'd be like,

but retirement Barbara is pretty much the same as regular Barbara

but with different activities.

Greg asked her how she was finding retirement the other day

and she said, "Crushing it."

Did she?

You two doing anything tomorrow afternoon?

We're free.

Don't answer until you know what she wants.

I need you to help me record a wedding video.

You're really serious about becoming a marriage celebrant?

Why not? Make good money.

Well, it's just, you're not the most romantic person I know.

Exactly. Most weddings go for too long and are way over-the-top.

Lot of people, like me, just want to get married and be home for lunch.

EMMA: Fair enough.

I mean, I love love, but sometimes it's, like,

"Let's move this thing along," you know.

Even at my own wedding, I was a bit, "Come on. Let's get to the buffet."

Yeah, but isn't the point of retirement to stop working?

No.

I always appreciate your insights.

When do you get your license?

After I submit a video of me conducting a wedding

to prove I know what I'm doing.

It's stupid if you ask me, but it's part of the course.

So, are you both free or what?

Uh, to play pretends with you?

Yes.

- (GASPS) - Can we make up our own characters?

- Sure. - Awesome.

I'm Ruth Chilaylee, and Daniel is Rodney Spatchcock,

and he's marrying me for my money.

What happened to MY money?

You spent it all on a failed rodeo business called Spatchcock'n'Bulls.

I'm gonna come up with my own character.

You'd better make it good, 'cause Ruth has a lot of other offers.

No way you could accidentally marry us for real, is there?

- Of course not. - It's like a play.

Still feels weird, though, marrying your friend.

Even weirder than having a fake funeral.

You'd rather I was dead than to marry me?

How dare you, Rodney? I want a divorce!

- (SOBS) - We're not married yet.

Could someone else do it?

Anyone could, but you're closest.

Four o'clock tomorrow.

Where are we going? Don't you want to get lunch?

Yeah, we're just gonna duck into the op shop first

to get our wedding outfits.

Why can't I just wear this?

Because getting dressed up is fun, and I refuse to marry someone

who doesn't take our fake wedding seriously.

Ruth deserves better than that.

(BELL RINGS)

Hello!

Hi, guys.

I've just got in some great old paintings of sad dogs

if you're interested.

One of them is wearing a hat.

Ooh. Not today, thanks. Can you point us to your formal section?

- Mm, how formal? - I need a wedding dress.

Oh, my God! Congratulations.

- Thank you. - It's not real.

I know. It must feel like a fantasy come true.

No, as in, it is pretends.

Barbara's becoming a celebrant and she needs to practise,

and we need to look fabulous.

- Barbara? A wedding celebrant? - Oh, yeah.

It takes a while to get your head around it.

She's gonna be offering a no-nonsense business wedding alternative.

Do you think she'd let me help? I'd love to try wedding planning.

I've even offered friends, but no-one wants to be your first.

This'd be a great practice.

Oh, it's just for a small video she has to make.

- You can ask her. - I will.

Now, m'lady, and m'gentleman, may we advance to the formal sect-i-on?

Oh, it's just this way. (LAUGHS)

Entrez vous, my friends.

Now, what sort of dress were you thinking?

Hmm. The ones with stains are cheaper.

But the ones without stains don't have stains.

Now, here's a nice one.

It's only 12 bucks, and I'll even throw in a portrait of a sad dog.

Um, do you have any wedding dresses that are more...

... like jeans?

Uh, no.

Oh, if you go with jeans, you should get a denim veil too.

I'm not gonna wear a veil. I'm gonna do my make-up.

- Why would I cover that up? - YOU should wear a veil.

- Why do I have to cover MY face? - Because it's my big day.

About me and my face.

What about a clear plastic veil,

so you can see through it, but it'll keep the flies off your make-up?

Yeah, I don't want it to fog up when I breathe.

You found anything?

(GASPS)

You should definitely wear that.

It doesn't smell great.

It keeps the flies off your face, though.

- EMMA: Is it stuck? - No.

DANIEL: I'd like a curry mushroom pie

and to borrow a spatula and some dishwashing liquid, please.

(SIGHS)

Emma?

Veggie pastie, please.

- We need them back. - Sure.

- (DOOR OPENS) - Hey, Greg.

Emma! (LAUGHS) Gez tells me congratulations are in order.

- Thank you! - Mmm.

- What for? - You and Daniel getting married.

- (LAUGHS) - I had no idea you were engaged!

I knew it. It's about time you two got together.

You owe me $10.

- MIKAYLA: We never shook. - What?!

- (SIGHS) I got it. - GREG: Daniel!

- Congratulations! - Oh, thanks, Greg.

I didn't even need the spatula once I poured in the detergent.

No! On your wedding, you rascal.

I think Gez has made some calls.

About time you two stopped pretending to be 'just friends'.

- We're not pretending. - Is it 'cause she's pregnant?

I've noticed you've been eating more.

OK, we need to shut this down right now.

Yes, we are getting married, but it's not real. We're not in love.

- Is it for a visa? - DANIEL: No, it's fake.

Mum's becoming a marriage celebrant

and she needs to practise on us, that's all.

- Oh, my goodness. Greg? - Yes?

Not that I support these kind of antiquated traditions,

but it's just pretend, and... would you like to walk me down the aisle?

Feels a bit unnecessary.

- I'd be honoured. - (EMMA GASPS)

- Yay! - (BOTH LAUGH)

- (LAUGHS) - This is all happening so fast.

- EMMA: Oh! - (GREG SNIFFS AND SOBS)

- (DOOR CLOSES) - Ugh.

Ah. Here's the lovebirds.

BARBARA: Heard you got your head stuck in a helmet.

Temporarily. Gez, how many people have you told about the ceremony?

A few. Barbara's letting me help.

Turns out I gotta have guests and a bridal party

and all that stuff I don't want to deal with.

So, if Gez is happy to organise it, she can knock herself out.

Very happy to.

And I got a great deal on petals.

- Look at all this stuff! - GEZ: Oh, it's just some ideas.

Yeah, you haven't been telling people

we're getting married for real, have you?

GEZ: No.

I said you were getting married. I didn't say for real.

- But you didn't say not for real? - (GEZ SIGHS)

I've been busy planning YOUR wedding. Give me a break.

He's turning into a real groomzilla.

Tell me about it.

Oh! You can't see me the night before the wedding!

Are you gonna do that every time I walk into the room?

Yes.

You don't think it's all getting a bit too complicated?

I'll admit, things have escalated a bit, but it's fine.

I mean, on Monday, did I imagine today

I would be trying to choose a maid of honour?

If I'm honest, no.

Can we use brooms as stand-ins or something?

- We can draw faces on them. - No.

And I was thinking maybe I don't want a maid of honour.

Maybe I want a best man.

- Is that allowed? - Why not?

I mean, we're already doing the traditional gender roles thing

being bride and groom.

I guess if I was getting for-real married, you'd be my best whatever.

Right? And you WERE mine at my real wedding.

Anyway, I found a website to help us choose. You first.

"The ultimate guide to choosing your best man and maid of honour,"

when it can't be your best friend.

- Or your mum. - Copy. OK.

"Imagine yourself having a freak-out on the big day."

A real possibility.

"Who would you want there to support you?

"Who is someone most likely to say the right words to calm your fears?"

"Ultimately, this person is a confidant"

"and someone you trust to have your back."

Grace.

- Grace? - She's all those things.

I don't know if anyone's needed to say this,

but is it weird asking your ex-girlfriend

to be your maid of honour at your fake wedding?

It probably is.

Maybe it's a compliment.

- Let's do you. - No need.

I'm gonna ask Damien.

So, both of our exes are gonna be at our fake wedding?

- Looks like it. - Great.

Would you ever get back together with Damien?

Oh, no. We're terrible in a relationship.

But you'd...

... hook up with him again?

Have you been hooking up with him?

- Not much. - Oh, mate, why didn't you tell me?

Well, 'cause it's not often, and I figured you'd over-analyse it

and ask me a bunch of questions.

Well, yeah. I mean, isn't it... complicated?

Not really.

It doesn't make things weird between you?

- Doesn't seem to. - So, you just...

Look, we don't have to ask Damien or Grace.

Whatever you're comfortable with.

No, it's already gonna be weird. Might as well go all-in.

Yes! There is the man I'm gonna fake-marry.

I'm gonna get a biscuit. Do you want one?

Yes.

Oh, mate, what sort of biscuit do you...

Oh! You can't see me the night before the wedding!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

- Hi. - Hi!

- Thanks for doing this. - Oh, no problem.

- It's not too weird, is it? - No. No. It'll be fun.

The only thing I had planned for this weekend

was watching a live stream of a falcon and her babies in a nest

on top of a building.

- Sounds like time well spent to me. - Grace!

Oh! Hi! Congratulations on your big fake day.

Real thank you.

I mean, what a great excuse for you, me, Damien

and that other guy to hang out.

- Mimosa? - Uh, yes, please.

EMMA: I've also put together a playlist.

- It's mainly Salt-N-Pepa. - Oh! Sounds good.

Yeah, I was just happy to be invited, you know,

even though I didn't understand what was happening at first.

You know, I'm still not entirely sure, but...

... it's fun to do activities.

Alright, team. Uh, I've printed out Barbara's instructions for today.

No-one needs to be nervous. Barbara is the one being judged.

Oh. Do you want to write our own vows?

Is that on the instruction list?

Yes.

- Fine. - Great.

So, we have to text Barbara our character names before the ceremony,

and she also wants all of us to come up with backstories.

- Can I see the instructions? - No. So, let's go round the group.

And we'll say our character and our backstory.

I'll go first.

I am Sophia Strider.

- What happened to Ruth Chilaylee? - Oh, you don't want to know.

Anyway, Sophia is the best detective on the force

who fell in love with the mob boss she was investigating

and ultimately put on the straight and narrow.

Well, hang on. You just wrote my character, too.

Oh, um... but...

... that mob boss still ended up going to jail,

and now she's marrying whoever this dude is, go.

OK - well, I was thinking a climate scientist called Wayne Stormwind,

who learns so much about how the weather works,

he's able to control it.

Well, that'll be handy, given the wedding's outside.

- Yes. - EMMA: What about you, Grace?

OK - um...

... I'm Tabitha Leonie Spoon,

but people call me Tab L. Spoon.

Oh! (LAUGHS) I love it. But she's really sensitive about it.

Oh, sorry.

She's a deep-sea diver who's determined to uncover

the mysteries of the ocean.

Um... but she met Wayne Stormwind,

um, when they were the only two people

watching all of the credits at the end of a movie.

Well, you don't want to miss the post-credits scene.

- Yep. Exactly. - Damien?

I'm Damien.

You don't want to make up a character?

Nah. I think I'll be me, but as if I grew up in France.

Can you do an accent?

No.

Well...

... allons-y.

What does that mean?

I have no idea.

- Cheers? - Cheers.

- ALL: Cheers. - (GLASSES CLINK)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, the kids were, um, dumping vegetables in there

that they didn't want to eat.

GRACE: I used to wrap mine in a paper towel

and throw it out the bathroom window.

DAMIEN: Wow. Smart.

EMMA: Why are you standing there like a weirdo?

Oh, um...

... I was in the toilet, and I was about to...

Are you staring wistfully at Grace? No, no, not wistfully.

Yeah, I am.

I should have talked you out of having her as your maid of honour.

No, no, I... I wanted her to be.

I just...

... would you mind if I didn't go to our wedding?

You want to leave me at the altar?

No, no, I'm just... I'm asking in advance if maybe

Mum can marry you and Damien or you and Grace instead.

I really think it's gonna be fun. We've all got our characters.

You can control the weather. I know.

I just... I don't want to spend several hours being reminded

of what I could have had with Grace

while she's standing right next to me.

I... I thought I'd be OK with it, but after the mimosa...

These are mainly orange juice.

I thought I'd be married by now, maybe kids,

but, instead, I'm... I'm single and I'm getting fake-married

whilst the person I want to for-real marry is... my maid of honour.

- It's confusing. - Well...

- (PHONE RINGS AND BUZZES) - Sorry, mate.

Hi, Mum.

No, no, don't kick it. Just...

Yes. I'll be... I'll be right there.

Mum's trying to print off her stuff for today

and the printer is not cooperating.

- (SIGHS) - (KEYS JINGLE)

How about you tell Barbara you're switching out

and I'll talk with Damien and Grace?

I'll let 'em fight it out for who gets to marry me.

- Thank you, mate. - It's OK.

- I'll see you soon. - Yep.

(BEEPING)

Mum, it works. Oh.

BARBARA: Thank goodness.

Wow. You're really going through with a full ceremony today.

Yes. It has to be as close to the real thing as possible.

I only want to have to fake this thing once.

You and Emma all set?

Um... yeah, about that.

What?

Could I possibly not do it?

Could you marry Emma and Damien or Emma and Grace instead?

- (DOOR CLOSES) - Hey, mate.

- What are you doing here? - Uh, quick update.

Barbara, today, you will be marrying Grace and Damien

whilst I'm drinking mimosas elsewhere.

What?

I thought about what you said, and I can't go through with it either.

- Why? - I've actually been married before.

And, no, I didn't get left on the day of the wedding,

but I did get left a few days afterwards.

I'm sorry, mate. I didn't think of it like that.

- It's just... Grace and I... - I know. It's... it's OK.

It just... you know, it started bringing up those memories and...

... I don't want to do it.

Oh, for God's sake! Both of you, in my office.

This is what's gonna happen.

Both of you are getting married today.

- But... - Listen to me.

I'm 65.

- No! - Quiet.

I'm 65, and do you ever hear me complaining about relationships?

Well, to be fair, you rarely share anything personal.

I don't complain because...

... there are already people in my life that I care about

and whom I presume care about me.

Daniel...

... having Grace in your life is enough, isn't it?

It is.

And, Emma...

... worrying about getting hurt is a waste of time and effort.

If it happens, you'll handle it. I've seen you do it.

You don't have to be in a relationship

to have love in your life.

Are you referring to...

Us?

Come on.

- Get it over with. - Oh.

(GASPS) Oh! Oh!

Whoo! (LAUGHS) Whoo!

OK. That's enough.

Just a few more minutes.

GRACE: Hey.

- Hey. - Sorry to keep you waiting.

- Oh, no worries. - What do you think?

It was, um, this or a cream dress from my sister's wedding

that made me look like a profiterole.

It's perfect. (LAUGHS)

Um...

- Hey, so I was thinking. - Yeah?

Uh, what movie?

Hmm?

What movie did Tabitha and Wayne meet watching the end credits of?

Oh.

Um...

... Face/Off.

(LAUGHS) Or if we're making things up, Face/Off 2.

- Oh, the dream. - Mm.

It's, uh, nice hanging out again.

We should... do it more often, if you like.

We could grab dinner at the pub tonight, maybe?

Yeah, lock it in.

Unless Em wants to go on a fake honeymoon after this.

I'm not sure when she's gonna break character.

- Well, when you fake get back, then. - Sounds good.

Hey, so, how are you feeling anyway? Nervous?

I looked up some phrases to say to a groom

if they're having second thoughts.

Oh, no, I'm fine. It's just gonna be a small thing.

Mum just wants to do the bare minimum to get the video done.

Well... here if you need, Wayne.

Oh.

I might need one of those phrases.

Welcome! What do you think?

This is amazing.

Um, Gez, did you invite a few extra people?

Well, no-one wants to miss the wedding of the season.

How'd you get Dave on drinks?

Turns out we have a lot of people in this town

who are trying to crack into the wedding market.

- So, I've got Dave on catering... - Catering?

It's just for a small video assignment.

Yeah, and everyone wants to be involved.

- (CAMERA CLICKS) - PHIL: This is beautiful.

Give me confusion. Perfect.

- Phil, what are you doing? - Loving it.

- I'm the wedding photographer. - Act like I'm not here.

You are, though, and you're quite close.

- Oh! - Oh! Found the flash.

Alright, come on. We've gotta take our positions.

Camera loves you, Daniel.

- Here he comes. - Congrats, Daniel.

- Oh, congrats, mate. - Looking good, Daniel.

- Oh, well done. - Cheers.

"Whatever you're feeling is OK."

Thanks.

- Well done. - Congrats, Daniel.

- Oh, congrats, buddy. - Well done, buddy.

Wayne Stormwind?

Do you want to hear his backstory?

No.

Gez has really gone to town, hasn't she?

Yeah, she has.

- Here we go. - Thank you.

- (PACHELBEL'S CANON PLAYS ON KEYBOARD) - Oh, wow.

Wow.

Lovely picture.

Hey, Wayne. Big turnout.

- Yeah. I like your outfit. - Oh, thanks.

You know, those big skirts just got in the way.

And I didn't want Damien to have to hold it so I could pee.

Good thinking. You look good too, Damien.

Oh. 'Mercy'.

Are we recording?

OK.

Thanks for coming, everyone. Let's get started.

I'm Barbara.

And I'm duly authorised to solemnise marriages according to law...

Sorry, Mum, just confirming, not really, though?

Shh!

Before you are joined in marriage in front of me and these witnesses,

I have to remind you of the solemn and binding nature

of the relationship into which you are now entering.

(LAUGHS)

Marriage, according to law in Australia,

is the union of two people to the exclusion of all others,

voluntarily entered into for life.

Daniel.

Wayne.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I, Wayne Stormwind, take you, Sophia Strider,

to be my lawful wedded wife,

to laugh and to cry with you,

to encourage you in your detective work

and to cherish our everlasting bond of friendship,

even though I was your second choice of husband behind a Mob boss.

Sophia?

(CLEARS THROAT)

I, Sophia Strider, take you, Wayne Stormwind,

to be my lawful wedded husband,

to share our secrets, hopes, fears and dreams,

and I promise to never pressure you to use your weather-control powers

to help me fly a kite

or ruin a criminal's picnic.

And according to the bride and groom's wishes,

they may now high-five.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, come on!

You have to kiss!

- What?! No, we don't. - It's not real, Frank.

STACEY: Come on! Just kiss already!

We're sick of waiting for you two to get together.

How many times do we have to say it? We're just friends!

- No, you're not. - Doesn't look like it.

It's pretend!

PHIL: Oh, listen to your hearts, will you?

- It's obvious you're in love. - It's so obvious.

- We can all see it. - Just give it a try!

Listen! It's very simple. I love him more than anyone else.

He's the only person I want to spend time with.

- Not helping. - What? As a friend!

I don't know what's so hard to get about this.

Daniel. Do you love Emma?

- Yes! - ATTENDEES: Aw!

- Not "Aw!" - Not like that!

What does that even mean? What a cop-out!

No, it's different.

I... I know what it feels like to be in love with someone.

Yeah! With Emma!

- No, with Grace. - (ATTENDEES GASP)

Sorry to drag you into this.

I'm not trying to embarrass you.

I'm not embarrassed.

Um, this might do it, then, sorry.

I... love you.

I never really stopped.

I was just...

... scared of feeling that strongly for someone.

But... I... I just want you to know

that as long as you're in my life, I'm happy.

I love you too.

(ATTENDEES GASP)

As a friend?

- (ATTENDEES CHEER) - Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! You guys, you guys, you guys!

You guys! You guys!

MAN: Hey!

You guys, you guys! My God! We've got everything ready!

Barbara, marry these lovebirds for real!

- Oh, it's... it's moving a bit fast. - It's a bit soon.

I'm not a real celebrant yet.

And I may never be if I hand in this mess of a video.

It'll cut together fine!

Well, Barbara's plan to run a non-romantic wedding backfired.

- I'm sorry I kissed your husband. - Oh, it happens.

They've only got BOTTLES of pale ale.

That's fine.

What?

Are you together now for real?

No! Jeez. Calm both your farms, alright?

I mean, after today, there's no way I'm not having a bit of a kiss.

And he looks extra-handsome.

Plus I've always liked French guys.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

But you shouldn't be afraid of your feelings.

Euch! Really?

After everything, you're gonna try

and peer-pressure me into being in a couple?

- We're good. - You're right.

Thank God that's over.

You were so great today, Barbara.

I don't think weddings are supposed to end

with the groom and the maid of honour getting hitched.

- Sorry, Mum. - Sorry.

Sorry to interrupt.

Just a little something for the happy couple, which I guess now is...

... you two.

- Oh. - Oh. Um...

- Aww! - Thanks, Gez.

I... love it.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Can I just say, I'm really glad I moved here.

- Me too. - (EMMA LAUGHS)

I was gonna say something sarcastic, but it is our wedding night.

That is a lovely dress, Mrs Marsh.

Very flattered.

But not interested, thank you.

Righto. Bunch in, everyone.

Oh, Phil, you don't have to take photos anymore.

- Oh, it's in me blood, Daniel. - Come on!

Here we go.

Three, two, one!

- (CAMERA CLICKS) - PEOPLE: Yay!

EMMA: Tag me!

Hey.

Do you know why we never got together?

Why?

I'm out of your league, mate.

Or...

... I'm out of YOUR league.

Oof! Got me.

I'm glad we didn't, though.

This is better.

It is.

EMMA: Oh, hey. I've been meaning to tell you. You've been sleepwalking.

- DANIEL: What?! When? - EMMA: At night. When do you think?

- DANIEL: Well, what was I doing? - EMMA: Oh.

You walk around and then you put your head in the toilet.

DANIEL: (SCOFFS) And that doesn't wake me up?

EMMA: No, which is good, 'cause that'd be dangerous.

DANIEL: It's funny, actually, because you also have been sleepwalking

and you... you drink from the toilet.

EMMA: Impossible. Your head's in there.

- (DANIEL SCOFFS) - EMMA: Checkmate!

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