All language subtitles for Kevin.Can.Fuck.Himself.S01E03.Were.Selling.Washing.Machines.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

Oh, simple Allison.

Previously on
"Kevin Can Himself"...

I just don't know when
I got so isolated from everyone.

You blew up my life.
Was that just for fun?

I felt sorry for you.

I was hoping to do
some computer research.

About a woman who
decides to kill her husband.

I killed with oxycodone
and made it look like an O.D.

These types of pills
get abused.

Yeah, I've heard.

I swear I know someone.

Thank you.

Oh, it's drugs.
Shit.

Dad!

I hope you still have
some contacts

in the Miracles Department
of the church,

because this... Oh.

...qualifies.

That is
a great bag.

Very roomy.

I think he's talking about
what's inside.

Please don't be alive.
Please don't be alive.

Also,
please don't be dead.

So, there I was,
walking down the street.

No one else was around
when -- boom!

This just appeared
in front of me.

Kevin!

"Hart Live
at the Worcester Centrum."

W-- You took that?!

The wind took it off the side
of the Worcester Centrum.

And it's got
your name on it,

so legally,
it belongs to you.

Wow, your grasp of the legal
system is so interesting.

My public defender
said the same thing.

Let's hang my banner off
the side of the house, yeah?

After we staple
the good sheets over

anything that doesn't say
"Kevin."

Why would you specify
the good--

Never mind.

Alright, ideas on
how we can do this?

I got
my dad's towing winches.

You're a winch.

No, guys,
we use the towing winches

to do
a pulley system.

A "system?"
Patty, we're climbing one roof.

We're not
gonna take Vegas.

I know.

Neil, you shimmy up
the drain pipe

and hang it off
the old lightning rod.

I'm sure it doesn't
do anything important.

Please be careful.

On it.
Fine!
Do it your way!

Oh.
I'd say
break a leg...

Wait, I'm stuck!...but Neil
most definitely will.

My brother
broke his leg.

40 megs of OxyContin,
comin' up.

Remember you missed prom
'cause Neil got a concussion?

Yeah, Terrance.

That's why
I didn't go to the prom.

I called ahead, you know.
They should be ready.

Gotta wait all day?

You know,
these pills are pricey.

I could get my hands
on some generics for you.

In the future.

It's alright.
Medicaid covers it.

I mean, like...

they only give you
10 of these.

So if your brother
ever needs a refill,

come back and see me
for the generic.

Oh, I --

No.

You got a degree.

A good job.

Don't be an idiot
with this stuff, Terrance.

With what?

Okay, lady,
let's get you out of this chair.

Ooh.
You got it?

I'm not
an invalid yet.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, before I forget,
hand me my pocket book.

I think
you'll like it.

Nobody has taken it out
in ages,

so, eh,
just keep it.

Thanks.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh...

Hey.
You okay?

It's just
this damn sciatica.

My do-gooder
sister-in-law's

taken to picking up
my groceries for me.

I-I-It's just hard.

Friggin' doctor visits

are too expensive
without insurance,

and the pain
is just --

You know, some days,
it's just bad.

Judi.

I'm fine.

I'm gonna be needing
some generics.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I --
You've never
been in here before.

I know.
But I want a wash.

Like Barb gets.

No, you don't.
Yes, I do.

I need them.
I need it.

Why?

Back pain.

Bullshit.
Okay, well,
how the hell would you know?

Because you're a terrible
liar. Even you don't believe
what you're saying.

Oh, Jesus, why does this
have to be so hard?

I don't have anything
for you.

Of course you don't.

You'll have to wait
till I re-up Monday afternoon.

W-- Monday?

Like, this Monday?
Like, three da-- Like, 72 hours?

We all know
you can do math.

Okay, that --
Monday is great.

That is amazing.

I will be here
for the wash on Monday.

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Okay.

But for now,
get out of here.

Is it, like,
dangerous or something?

No.

I'm just done
being around you.

Thank you.

Here for
another free coffee?

Wait, you serve
free coffee here?

Uh, you keep leaving
before you actually pay.

Oh, my gosh.
You're right.

I -- Well, I promise
to pay for this one --

and the other two.

It's been sitting for a while.
Make a fresh pot.

No, no,
I'm not picky.

Um...

I am sorry
for the other night.

Just had
a really bad day,

and you were saying some stuff
that I didn't, uh --

It's not
a big deal.

Wha--
No, I was rude.

When I'm around you,
I feel --

I don't know -- 15,
and I was a brat at 15.

So I am sorry.

It's cold.
I told you
I'd make a new pot.

I c-- it's not --No, no.

No, it's okay.
I deserve this.

Mmm.

Mm. Mm.
So stoic.

I'm sorry, too.

I think I was kinda harsh
to cover the fact

that seeing you again
makes me feel a little...

guilty.

Oh, yeah?

When I was working the steps
with my sponsor,

I listed out people
to make amends to,

and you
were on there.

Maybe towards the top.

If anyone
deserved a call...

I just
didn't do it.

What,
did you lose my number?

Nope,
just a coward.

You know, I'm getting my chip
in AA tomorrow night.

Eight years sober.

Eight years?
Yeah.

Wow!

Feel like I don't even know
this version of you.

You look the same,
though.

♪ Please give me a chance♪

I like that
you think I'm the same.

You are.

They say to invite people
to these things.

Would you come?

Consider it
me making my amends.

So, you got a special occasion
you wanna look nice for?

Sure, my husband's
taking me to Paris.

No,
this is self-care.

Last time,
we did those swoopy layers.

Cathy in accountin' says,
"Nice haircut."

And I knew
what she meant.

Woman #And she's insisting
on a band. Can you imagine?

No.

Hey.

Hey, Cindy.

Hoping you can squeeze me in
for a wash?

Okay, great.

One sec, hon.

Let's have a look
at the book.

So, thing is,
I'm cleaned out at the moment.

Oh.
We had a couple people
in rough shape this week,

needed a bit more,
but I'm re-upping Monday.

I sorta
need 'em now.

Listen, Cindy,
I know your knee's blown,

but for a day or two,
toss back a few ibuprofen.

It'll be fine.

Patty. Ibuprofen?
Are you serious?!

I really need them.

Okay.

Let me see
what I can do, okay?

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Thank you.
Oh.

For last time.

Thanks f-for frontin'
for me.

It won't happen again.

No big thing.

Hey, babe, you might want
to keep your coat on,

'cause it's about
to get "chili" in here.

Chili, the food.

Thank you
for clearing that up, Neil.

Can't you just buy the chili
this year?

Sweet Allison.

The Renzulli Brothers
don't plow our street

in exchange
for store-bought chili.

No, they do it
'cause we pay taxes.

The Renzulli Brothers
plow our street

early and often
because we bribe them in,

and I quote, "Yummy-nummy chili
in their tummies."

That's right,
and this year,

we're making
an extra-special batch

with deep-fried
turkey meat --

prepared, of course,
using my brand-new

55,000 BTU All-Pro Stainless
Steel Turkey Deep Fryer.

Ooh!

She is
a sexy little contraption.

I call her
the "Dirty Birdie."

Is that the, uh --

the thing that's set up
in our driveway?

Bingo!
Best to do it outdoors.

Frying a turkey
can be very dangerous.

Yeah,
sometimes they explode,

and no one knows why.

Sounds violent.

Don't worry, Mom,
I'll be careful.

Oh.

Neil's cooking
the exploding turkey.

Yeah. Why?

I guess
I was just confused

'cause you usually
cook the meat,

so I thought
it was your chili.

It is, since I'm the magician
behind it.

Uh, well, you know,
we both work on it, so...

Yeah,
but I'm the main magician.

You're the random
audience member

we can all agree
I've never met before.

Um,
you're wrong.

What?

I said "no offense."

No,
you didn't.

I'm wrong?

Uh,
if I'm so wrong,

how come my plans, ideas,
and goof-arounds work out

99% of the time?

Uh, 'cause you got me jukin'
stats and crackin' skulls.

You need me.

Pssh,
I don't need anybody.

Fine,
then I'll take my

55,000 BTU All-Pro Stainless
Steel Turkey Deep Fryer

and make my own chili,

and it's gonna blow yours
into the water.

A chili cook-off?

Good luck making anything
the Renzulli Bros respect

without my help.

Pfff.
I don't need your help!

-'Cause I've got Allison!
-Oh!

She's gonna help me
cook the chili,

and she is
way better than you.

I can't believe
you'd stoop that low.

Oh, we're playing limbo now,
baby.

You don't even know
how low I can go!

Welcome to
the Dream Team, baby.

Yeah, you get out of here
with that turkey.

Leave my carrot!

Neil's not in there.
Geez.

Starting to think
I should tie a little bell

to all
your cardigans.

This is
a new look for you.

No, it's actually
an old look.

I used to have a burger
every day after swim practice.

I had to earn it.

You go swimming today?

Nope,
but I earned it.

And...

the second one
was only 50¢,

and I can't pass up
a deal, so...

You want it?

Mm.

Of course you're the kind of
girl who's always cold.

Why are you
eating outside?

Um,
I'm just stalling.

Kevin's inside.
He and Neil got into a fight.

-They don't do that.
-They do now,
I guess.

It was nice
for the first 30 seconds

until Kevin started
looking to me

to fill
the Neil-sized hole.

As soon
as I go in there,

he's gonna
put me to work.

So,
don't do it.

Like that's an option.

He's just gonna whine
until I, like,

drive 90 miles
to get pork belly,

or something stupid
like that.

This fight between 'em's
gonna be the end of me.

Allison,
I'm always impressed

with how you can make
nothing to do with you

all about you.

Okay.

Well,
if I'm so obnoxious,

why don't you
go in there

and deal with
Kevin's chili hysteria?

Or go home
and deal with Neil's.

Go on, Patty.
Go be one of the boys.

I knew it.

You hate them
as much as I do.

-I don't hate them.
-Yes, you do.

I knew it.

I knew there was
something else going on.

I just didn't know
it was selling drugs.

Can you just
be cool?

I'm right.

That's way better.

I'm so glad
you're eating healthy with me.

I can't
do anything alone.

Glad my company
is good for something.

You're good
for more than that.

Got "Ray Donovan"
all ready to go.

I'm hooked.
Ugh.

His accent's for shit,
though.

Yeah.

It's true.

Mmm.

Guess how much
this salad cost us?

60¢.

Well, no.

I mean,
$2.49, though?

Plus the dressing,
which we already had,

but at a salad bar,
we'd be paying 7 bucks each --

plus tip and tax.

Maybe by summer,
we'll save up enough

for our own place
on the Cape --

show off our skinny arms
on the beach.

Yeah, maybe.

Hey, maybe tonight,
we could --

Do you mind
if we don't tonight?

Oh, yeah.
Of course.

I'm just
really tired.

Yeah, you don't
have to explain.

It's -- I'm always happy
just sitting here with you.

Yeah.
Me, too.

Hey, babe.

It's Sunday,
Sunday, Sunday!

Ugh,
it's the day of rest.

Only for lazy people like Neil
who lose chili cook-offs

'cause they rest
on their Lauras.

Rest on their what?

Like, when you're sleeping
with some chick named Laura

and you don't want to get
out of the bed,

you're lazy.

I learn so much
being married to you.

I love you,
too, babe.

I have to go
run an errand,

but it's for a huge surprise
I have planned for ya.

Planned for me?
Of course.

Well, last time you said you
had something planned for me,

you and Neil went
to Rock 'N' Roll Camp.

Who doesn't like
a weekend alone?

Now, I expect you back here this
afternoon for your surprise.

Kevin and Allison,
together forevah!

And I never called before,
Terrance.

Isn't it good that I'm out?

I mean,
I'm -- I'm selling, right?

And this is important, so --

Hell--

Geez.

Oh, hell.

Yes?

Um, I was hoping
you did walk-ins?

Look,
I said Monday, okay?

Why is everybody up my ass
this week?

I mean it.

I was hoping you could
give me, like,

a beachy wave
or somethin'.

You say "hoping"
a lot.

Well, it's nicer
than saying "I want."

Just a curl,
not a whole wash.

I'll take it.

Whee!

You got a special occasion
you wanna look nice for?

Uh, I was hop--

I want
to look nice,

but, uh, I'm not sure
it's a special occasion.

I -- Well, promise you won't
tell Kevin?

We're in that

mutually-assured-destruction
territory now, yeah?

Right.

Well, uh,
I am seeing an ex.

Well,
not really an ex.

He, um -- We used to
bus tables together

at this really terrible
Mexican restaurant --

Aunt Chiladas?

No,
Sloppy José's.

Yeah.

I guess we never actually,
like, "dated."

He was always with this girl
from Amherst.

Jenn,
with two "N's."

Mm,
I hate her.

Um, I would lock up
and he would turn the sign off,

and then we would go in back
in the kitchen

and fool around.

And I didn't know Jenn
that well,

so it didn't seem
quite as terrible.

It just felt like
I wanted to beat her.

And it was fun
and dangerous.

Having sex
in front of the tortilla chips

is your idea
of dangerous?

Well, it's the worst thing
I've ever done.

So, you're gonna
go fool around.

No.

Kinda sounds like
you want to.

-He's married.
-You're married.

E-- Of co--
Yes, of course.

We're both married,
yes.

It's not gonna happen.

And this
is what you're wearing?

Hey.

I'm just saying.

You have that wrap dress
from the Gap.

Well, I'm going to go home
and change, okay?

So,
what about you?

You have fun
hanging out with Kurt?

Huh?

Did you have fun?

Uh, yeah.

It was fine.

Okay,
did you go out, or...?

No.
Oh, okay.

Well, that's nice.
A man who can cook.

Unless he's bad at it.
Is he bad at it?

I don't know.
He -- He's Kurt.

He opened a bag of salad,
put it on a plate,

and then
watched me eat it.

Okay, well, I'd take that
over being chained to Kevin

while he makes the world's
most disgusting chili.

Kurt thinks
we're eating healthy together.

That cheeseburger
I had last night

was my third
this week.

Shut up.

Oh, you got all done up for me,
huh, sweetie?

Really putting yourself
out there, aren't ya?

Yeah, settling in
to your new profession.

Hey, let me know
if you want me to set up

any more appointments
under the bridge.

Yes, hello.

Um, I was just walking by
Clark Street Elementary,

and I saw a man
selling drugs.

And I followed him to
the auto body on Buckingham Ave.

He works there.

Please help, because I don't
want this monster

getting children
hooked on drugs.

Okay, well, you're welcome.

Thank you for your time.

Okay, bye-bye.

Kev, you back yet?

Jesus Christ, Kev, come on.

Oh, hey!

Perfect timing!

Guess what I got?

A pig.

Dinga-ding-ding!

This is
our trump card, baby!

It's, um,
staring at me.

Can you --

Oh, there you go.
Much better.

Peek-a-boo!
Oh!

Just kidding.

Ah!

I'm just kidding.

Stupid Neil
thinks he's gonna win

with bird meat
when I got a pig on my side!

This is game over,
right here.

Certainly is
for the pig.

I'm gonna cook him
as God intended --

all night long
over a roaring open flame

10 feet
from our house.

It's gonna be
a great time, babe!

You're gonna love it.

I'm gonna love it?

Oh, yes.
That's my surprise.

You and me --
Kevin and Allison --

the greatest duo that
this backyard has ever seen.

We got
eight hours of togetherness

over a roasting pig.

You want me
to be here?

I can't do this
on my own!

Not that
I need anyone!

Okay, well,
all you have to do

is just watch an open flame
and try not to fall asleep,

so w-why do you
need me here?

It's so much more than just
not falling asleep.

Neil and I...

That neighbor guy
and I

used to do this
sort of stuff all the time.

Come on,
it's gonna be the best time.

We got an excuse to pound beers
all night long.

And then,
around 3:00 A.M.,

I'll do
my line-for-line reenactment

of "Good Will Hunting."

Oh, as great
as that sounds, I --Allison.

It's not your fault.

Yeah, I-I know.

It's not your fault,
Allison.

Yes.
No, I understand.

Allison.
It's from the film.

It's not your fault.
Uh-huh.

I mean, see?
How great is that?!

Where else
are you gonna be?

Well,
I have a work --

I have a work
at the package store.

I'll be here.

Waitin' for you.

Oh!
"So will I!"

Oh!

It was his fault!

Hey.

Would you just hold on
one second?

Yeah, sure.

Hey.

Hi.
Oh, my God.

Uh --
S-Sorry. Hi.

So glad
you made it.

Ugh.
Uh,
you look great.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, I-I don't really
know what to do.

I've never been
to one of these before.

Oh, yeah, don't worry.
It's not a big deal.

Um, you've never been
to a meeting?

No.

Do you think
I should have?

No. No, please.
That's not what I meant.

Um, you're the most
self-controlled person

I ever met.

Well,
it's been a while.

Maybe I've changed.

Totally lost it.

Eh,
I'm not buying it.

Okay.

Bon appétit.

The road to Big Trout Lake
is a narrow corridor

filled with twists,
turns, and steep hills...

Mmm. ...that make
ordinary runs challenging

and mega-hauls like Todd's
an outright gamble.

Hey, you need the Honda
this week?

Maybe.

I'll let you know.

Oh.

"Bon appétit" means
you can start eating.

Uh...

Can we please just have
some real food?

W-Wha--
Thi-- But this is.

This -- This is --
-This is protein and vegetables.
-No, Kurt.

I would like some real-ass food,
you know?

With carbs
and animal fat

so I don't have to
keep speed-eating

alone in my car
on the way over here.

It's lonely
and I'm getting heartburn.

Yeah, o-okay.

I'll order something.

Thank you!

Yes, God!
Thank you!

Ooh,
maybe chimichangas!

Once again,
welcome to the Sunday Trinity

Big Book Discussion Meeting
of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I've stated
that I'm an alcoholic.

Are there any other alcoholics
present tonight?

We also celebrate the
anniversaries at this meeting.

An anniversary is defined
as 365 days free of alcohol

or anything else that
affects you from the neck up.

We have one anniversary tonight,

and that is Sam,
celebrating eight years.

Get up here, Sam.

Hey, I'm Sam.

Alcoholic.

--Hi, Sam.Hi, Sam.
-Hi, Sam.
-Hi, Sam.

Uh, I dragged myself
into the Program

when I finally hit rock bottom.

One night, I got so loaded

that I stole a bundle of heroin
from some guy I met at a bar --

too drunk to even remember
his name.

Jason, maybe?

If he'd caught me,
I bet he would've killed me.

I can still feel that fear
and that shame, and that's good.

It keeps the cycle
from starting again.

I've been done with destructive
patterns for eight years.

I'm not going back.

Oh.

Um, thank you so much
for having me.

Really?
This -- Yeah.

Uh, I know these things
can be painful.

Oddly, I'm, uh --
I'm proud.

I --
Sam.

Oh, hey!
Hey.

-What are you doing here?
-Oh, I wanted
to surprise you.

Did I miss it?

Yeah, but that's okay.
There's plenty more.

My dad was at the house
looking at tile samples,

and I lost track
of time.

-Sorry.
-Eh,
that's okay.

House looks great though.

Good.
Uh, Jenn, this is Allison.

Allison,
my wife, Jenn.

-Hi.
-Hi. Oh.
Hi.

Uh, we've actually
met before.

I, uh, worked with Sam
in high school.

Oh, how sweet of you
to come.

Of course.

It's a big deal.

Sorry, you got, um --
You have something.

Oh.

Is that a bean?

A pinto bean.

It's, uh --
It's from a chili.

Oh.

Um, anyway...

Hello.

I can't do it!
What?

I can't hurt him!

You cooked him over a fire
all night long.

That was different.
This is murder!

We had a totally
life-changing night together.

You and
the already-dead pig?

Don't say it
like that.

You don't know.
You weren't here.

I slept here.

But you were late.

You totally missed
the connection I had

with this
beautiful creature.

We talked about real
big-picture stuff, you know?

Life. Love.

How dudes who say
they don't pee in the shower

are definitely lying.

Do you pee
in the shower?

No.

Look,
the point is,

there's no way that
I can cut up my best friend!

Ok-- Do you think that this
might possibly be about Neil?

Of course not.

This is about my new friend,
Piggy Stardust.

And worse -- about how,
now I'm completely screwed

because I got no meat
for the chili!

Just give them
vegetarian chili.

Vegetarian chili is worse
than no chili at all.

Nobody wants salad soup!

Well, then,
you'll just be

the laughing stock
of the whole neighborhood.

You're right.

Oh.

I won't be able
to leave the house.

That's it.

I'm gonna become
a Kermit.
A "Kermit"?

Yeah -- someone who's alone
and inside all the time.

Like Kermit always hiding
from Miss Piggy.

This is when
you feel humiliation?

You definitely pee
in our shower.

I'm never
leaving this house again,

and you're gonna be here
right by my side the whole time.

In it
till we kick it, baby!

Lucky you.

So lucky.

Alright,
I'm gonna go upstairs

and stew this out
over a bath.

You're gonna have to come up
in 45

with a beer
-and a sandwich.
-Oh--

Not that
I need anyone!

It's a dangerous thing,
falsely accusing someone --

especially a guy high up
in the community.

Good job,
family.

Might as well accuse
Father O'Donnell

of peddling pills.

So, please,
keep in mind,

if you're
full of crap,

no one would think twice
about sending you to Walpole.

And I'll tell my
friends over there that
you touch little kids.

I swear
on my mother's life,

this is the guy
you're looking for, okay?

Who am I?
I'm nobody.

Whoever ratted me out,
like --

Listen, pal, the amount of stuff
you got caught with,

that's an intent
to distribute.

Forget intent
to distribute.

It's like Black Friday
in there.

Yeah,
we'll see.

If you have
any questions, give me a call.

Hey, buddy.

How can I help you?

Uh, it's Monday.

I'm here
for the generics.

You're not
supposed to call.

I know.
I know, I'm sorry.

It was a huge mistake.
It won't happen again.

Terrance.

Please.

Thank you,
Terrance.

I love you,
Terrance.

Oh. Hey.

Hey.

Back for
more Lipitor, huh?

Maybe it's all those,
uh, carbs and animal fat.

S--
Listen, last night,

I think
I just got confused, right?

Because we had -

Worcester PD!

Everybody stay
where you are.

Sir, put your hands
behind your back.

Don't move.

You're under arrest.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will
be used --

Well, they say witnesses
can't leave

for another 45,
at least, so...

Great.

Oh, here.

I'm not cold.

Okay.

That was insane.

It was terrifying.

Yeah.

It reminded me of this one
4th of July when I was a kid.

I couldn't have been
more than 3,

and my parents took me into town
to see the fireworks.

Dad put me up
on his shoulders.

They started up --

these huge explosions
right above us.

I remember thinking,
like,

"The world
is on fire."

Sound hit me in my chest.

Smoke was
in my eyes.

Everybody just laughing
and smiling.

Like,
they didn't understand.

This was the end.

Kurt, what the hell
are you doing?

Being that close
to death

makes you think --
really --

about what's important

and what
you can't live without.

And, Patty...

Oh.

I can't live without you
a-and your chimichangas.

Okay,
it's Monday.

Time...

Whoa.
You okay?

Rough morning.

Ye-- Well, I guess that,
but, how?

What happened?
You okay?

Okay, what's with
all the questions all the time?

I-- W-- I don't ask you stuff
to piss you off.

I just want
to know the answers.

Why?

Because...

uh, I thought I knew
your whole thing.

We practically spent
the last 10 years

in the same room,

but no one knows
that I'm buying drugs,

and I'm guessing
that no one knows

that you're
selling them.

Unless Kurt's some kind of
secret drug mule.

No.

He has no idea.

If he did,

he probably wouldn't have,
like, proposed.

Wha-- Ser--

Seriously?

Yeah.

Ooh.

Um, what does
the ring look like?

There was no ring.

It was in the parking lot
of the pharmacy.

That --

Hmm.

Yeah, m-minutes after
we were caught

in the middle
of a drug raid.

At the pharmacy?

Was that your --

Yep, my friend was hauled off
in a pair of handcuffs

and my stash is
in an evidence bag somewhere.

And that's when
Kurt decided to propose.

Okay, uh, so, does that mean
that y-you're --

I'm out.
Dry. No pills.

Nothing.
God damn it.

Well, hey,
it's not my fault.

Blame the corner-kid-asshole
at the auto body

who got arrested

and gave up
the area's only supplier.

Maybe this is good.

This whole s--
like, selling this shit --

it's too much trouble.

Bu-- No.

I was close
to going off the rails.

My hair's startin' to break
from the stress.

Hey, we can't
give up on this.

Okay?

I-I can't deal with
going home right now,

so, um, why don't we
grab a bite and --

real food --
and just talk about it?

I have to get home to Neil.

When he deep-fried
the turkey,

it exploded
and burnt up his arms.

This goddamn chili.

He didn't even
make the chili.

Just a pile
of deep-fried turkey

sittin' on
the kitchen counter.

I can smell it
from downstairs.

I think I know how to make
both our lives easier.

We just have to make them think
that it's their --

...brilliant idea
to merge ingredients.

My lame-ass batch
of vegetarian stew...

And my gorgeous pile
of manly meat.

Into the greatest
friendship chili

this world
has ever tasted.

Well, I gotta give this
a little test.

W-- No, no, no, no.
Pete, I love you,

but you smell like the pellets
at a petting zoo,

and I need you to stay
five feet away from the chili.

Well,
how is that okay?

Because it's my chili.

I'm sorry.

Our chili.

I'm so glad
we were both man enough to admit

we need each other.

-In a totally normal way.
-In a totally normal way.

You ask me, you could both
do with some more time apart.

-No.
-No, no, no.

No, he --
Kevin needs a Neil.

We've already
begun planning

to make up
for the lost goofin' time.

Yeah, water balloon fight.
Then, "Ace Ventura" marathon

followed by one of our
epic games of hide and seek.

Allison, you might not see me
for the next 24 hours.

Oh, no!

But first, let's get this chili
to the Renzulli Brothers.

To the Kev-mobile!

Let's go.

Come on.
Left.
Ow. Ow.

Left.
Ow.

Left.
Keep going.
Ow!

It's looking at me.

Yeah,
it does that.

So, I guess they just assume
you'll clean it up.

Okay, what are we gonna do
about this?

Chainsaw?
N--
I mean the pills.

Listen, Allison, I already
told you at the salon.

I'm out, okay?
Patty,
you don't understand.

I need this,
and you're m--

the only one
that can help.

Okay,
you know what?

We're sharing so much now?
You like answers?

So do I.

Why do you
actually need these?

What the hell's been
going on with you?

I just...

I'm in
a really bad place.

The night that you told me
that Kevin drained the account,

I lost it.

I went on a bender.

That powder
that you wiped off my face,

that was coke.

"Cain."

Ye--
I know what you meant.

Somethin' in me
just snapped,

and I made
this decision.

I don't know
if I should tell you.

Um,
I got blackout drunk,

and apparently,

I stole a bunch of oxys
from this guy at a bar.

I was so drunk,
I don't even remember his name.

It was, um,
Jason, maybe.

And they must be
hard to get,

because he won't take money
for them,

and he said that I g--
I'd better get more.

Patty, I screwed up,
and I'm scared.

Please.

Okay. I--

I got no guarantee.

But I may have a connection
in Vermont.

I'll make
-a few phone calls.
-Oh, thank you.

Well,
don't thank me yet.

I mean, if this works,
I'll go up there soon.

But even if
I get anything,

I'm using
this pipeline once, okay?

Of course,
of course.

I'll get your stuff

and enough
to wean my clients off,

and then,
I'm done.

Yes, sure.

And I think
you should come with me.

Really?

I need a car.

You can
borrow Kevin's.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, okay.

We'll --
We'll go together.

God, it smells like death
out here.

♪ You always hurt

♪ The one you love

On the next
"Kevin Can Himself"...

I can't live
like this anymore.

-I can't.
Allison's cute and all,

but sometimes I think
she thinks I'm an idiot.

The world revolves around him.

I really need those pills.

Patty O'Connor?
Detective Tammy Ridgeway.

-Worcester PD.
-We're not bonding, okay?

They're looking to trade.

Oh.

Allison?

It's going to be fine.

♪ The one
you shouldn't hurt at all ♪

♪ You always take

♪ The sweetest rose

♪ And crush it

♪ Till the petals fall

♪ You always hurt

♪ The one you love