All language subtitles for Escape to the Chateau S01E05.576p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.x264-CMYK.English

Every year, 10,000 Brits
cross the Channel

to start a new life in France.

Oui, d'accord...
LAUGHTER

Engineer Dick Strawbridge and his
partner, designer Angel,

decided to join them.

That's quite a lot of garlic!
SHE LAUGHS

But while they thought their budget
might stretch to a place by the Med,

a Parisian apartment, or perhaps a
small country cottage,

Dick and Angel discovered they could
dream bigger.

Much bigger.
This is truly beautiful.

This is the story of one family's
extraordinary adventure as they turn

a derelict chateau into a fairy tale
castle in time for their wedding,

in less than a year.

This place is amazing.

It's so incredibly important to
bring it back to life.

On the way, they'll uncover some
incredible secrets.

Look at all these bottles.
And they're all handmade.

They'll try to live off the land
like the locals...

Do you think a chicken knows that
it can't swim?

Yes, of course it does.
..and even try to talk like them.

Pour le...le...la fait...
Join in any time, sweetheart.

Peut-etre nous...fumer?

But, above all, they'll discover
what it really means to revive a
building

that's been abandoned for nearly
half a century.

Look at the sewage, look at the
electrics in here,

if you actually look at the lead
paint,

it basically says don't buy me.

The size of the task is monumental.

This is craft

and construction...

It is amazing, you know.
..on the grandest of scales.

For years, Dick Strawbridge and his
partner, Angel,

have dreamt of living in France.

It was only when they started
house-hunting that they realised
they could

buy an entire 19th century chateau
for the price of a two-bedroom flat

in England. She's found the one she
wants, we're in trouble!

Three weeks ago they took the plunge
and moved across the water...

..to start a new life as the proud
owners of

the Chateau de La Motte Husson.

Congratulations.

It's so gorgeous.

The chateau cost them £280,000.

On the face of it, a bargain.

What they got for their money was
five floors, 45 rooms,

three-foot thick walls, 70 doors,
six chimneys and 17 fireplaces.

Not to mention the 12 acres, seven
outbuildings,

a wood and a moat full of carp.

But there's a reason why the French
have turned their backs on these

grand old estates. The repairs can
run into hundreds of thousands.

To start with, Dick and Angel had
just £20,000.

Ooh!
That's very, very unpleasant.

Before long, 18 grand was sunk into
a ginormous plumbing and

heating system.

This is the start.
We're getting closer to heat.

So now, with almost all their
savings gone, there's no going back.

They're moving into a building site.

I think he's an absolute nut job, I
think he's crazy.

Moving in? I wouldn't be doing it.

With their belongings arriving from
England, today is moving-in day.

Honey! I'm home!
SHE LAUGHS

The Neo-Renaissance style chateau,

which towers over the local
countryside, is surrounded by a huge

moat the size of six Olympic
swimming pools.

The only way across is by a stone
bridge,

designed for a horse and carriage.

TRUCK HORN BEEPS

It doesn't bode well for our
delivery of all our kit, does it?

Unloading everything at the gate is
likely to bring on a revolt.

Imagine carrying all of our stuff up
to the first and second floor from

back there. Don't do that.

It's all happening now.

Five centimetres either side is all
that lies between delivery and
disaster.

That way a little bit.
That way a little bit.

This lorry has made it through OK.

But at some point the pillar has
been twisted.

When I got to the gates, I'm like,
"Oh... Is it really going to fit
through?

I've got to say, absolutely amazing.

It's a bit rudimentary inside, but
it's good.

It is good.

Umbrellas, they can stay just over
there.

There is an umbrella stand.

Oh, no, the backroom.

Just put it in the upstairs middle,
yeah.

I don't know whose it is.

Darling, you're this floor size.

Yeah, lovely.

This will be the public toilets for
events.

Angel has ambitions to start a
company offering vintage weddings

in the chateau. We're going to try
and make this place our home and our
business.

Bird cages go in the petit salon,
please.

If we get that balance right, we've
cracked it, haven't we?

We've got our dream.

Former army colonel and engineer
Dick...

Sacre bleu! ..has a plan to make the
chateau self-sufficient.

Just finally getting organised now,

which means that I can start doing
some big projects.

We have got several hundred boxes,
lots of furniture, spread in
different rooms.

Do you know where everything is?
Yeah.

Do you, really? Yeah.

Baby, all our stuff's here, now.

We live in France! Mm.

But for anything to work, there has
to be heat.

The Chateau de La Motte has spent
decades empty.

Its 17 fireplaces haven't seen a
naked flame for over 40 years.

Dick has designed a new central
heating system,

a gas stove in the basement and two
wood burners will drive hot and cold

water through 600 metres of piping
into a thermal store in the attic.

For the last three weeks,

Dick and the planning team have been
working day and night on his epic
new system.

Here we go!

I can hear it coming.

And now it's finally time to put it
to the test.

OK?

Brilliant.

First fire done.

Wow! Heat!

Even with all that investment,

the system is still only connected
to five rooms and can only run one

tap at a time. Look at that!

And it's warm water!

Hey!

But it's not only a handful of rooms
that have been brought back to life

by the heat.

It's also woken up a plague.

We've got a problem with flies.

And the problem is, this place has
been empty, it's been cool,

the flies have come and they've
hibernated.

They've overwintered. Little holes
like this, in behind the panelling,

they've just gone to sleep. We're
bringing warmth back into the
chateau,

which means the flies are coming out
in their thousands.

This has been vacuumed up half a
dozen times.

But it's not just the flies,

we've had birds through the broken
windows and they've been roosting
here.

A wildlife haven!

On closer inspection,

it turns out that there are even
more gate-crashers lurking above
stairs.

Dick just found... Argh!
SQUEAKING

..a bat's nest!

One just landed on my head.

Just like in the UK, endangered bats
are protected by law in France.

We can leave them in peace now.
Yeah, we have to leave them in
peace.

So while they can evict the birds
and flies,

they'll just have to close the doors
on the bats for now.

This is...

This must be the architect, no?

As the dust settles on the move Dick
and Angel have one last treasure to
unpack.

Remarkably,

the original 19th-century drawings
and accounts of the build have
survived.

All of this is the structure.

How cute! Just a little crest!

They give a unique insight into how
the original family lived on the
estate.

I'm just laughing at this, because
it says Chambre de Madame.

And this is Chambre de Monsieur.

So, you would live over there, and I
would live over here.

Not happening.

The kitchen. I think that's a big
bread oven.

Laiterie.

Laiterie? For milk.

That's... That's where they probably
made butter and things. Mm.

Building a chateau of this size
would have provided work for
hundreds of artisan builders.

I hate to think of the size of the
army that did this.

Mm...

This is the definitive of all the
work executed.

This looks like the bills.
SHE GIGGLES

The 19th-century spreadsheet is
preserved in great detail.

In 1869, a roofer was paid around
40p a day,

a locksmith, 50p, and a labourer,
25p.

The original owners clearly quibbled
over invoices,

knocking off margins where they
could.

Multiplied by £20, any of these
numbers,

that will give us what sort of the
costs are today. Yeah.

Total is nearly a 47,000.

Mm-hm. 50,000 francs goes to...

..1 million.

If you think today, if you have a
plot of land,

and you are spending £1 million
building something... Mm-hm, yeah.

..you could never hope to get
something as grand as this.

The chateau was built as a gift from
the young signor Baglioni to his
wife.

Dick and Angel's renovation will be
no less a labour of love.

Except they won't be able to afford
much labour!

About £1 million worth of
expenditure over a period of six
years to build it.

And we've got next to nothing. We've
got the skills. You've got the
skills!

Not me! It's the sheer effort.

Work harder, work faster.

The French may have abandoned these
landmarks,

knowing what money pits they are.

BOY LAUGHS
Hello!

Hello, big boy!

But former military man Dick is
convinced that he can do most of the

work himself.

And his first target, the windows.

The detail is phenomenal.

The amount of work that's gone into
them, they're really quite special.

Having said that,

they're falling apart.

The glass is barely being held in.

Sometimes we've got no glass.

The wood is so rotten that it's on
the edge of crumbling.

Every frame was crafted out of oak.

Each window has its own unique cast
iron handle.

And there's a few more than your
average two-bedroom flat.

24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30...

31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36.

40... That's a proper arrow slit.

Look at the angles on that.

We'll keep that. 41, 42, 43, 44, 45,
46, 47, 48, 49...

59 windows.

This is not even funny.

And if that wasn't enough,

Dick and Angel are also working to
an ambitious deadline.

November is the month when they
first met.

They want to celebrate with a
wedding for 200.

The only problem is, that's around
nine months away.

Time is ticking. I really didn't
appreciate the enormity of the job.

It's not just a slap of paint and a
taxidermy head.

We have a massive task ahead of us.

I'm looking around every single room
and I think, "OK,

"there's about a month in each
room."

Multiply that by the number of
rooms, and November is actually very
close.

We're BLEEP!

The Chateau de la Motte Husson
was once a castle for a nobleman.

The Chateau's crest reads, "Every
land is a home for the brave."

No motto could be more true than
for Dick Strawbridge and his family,

who've taken up residence.

I don't care that it's falling
apart and dilapidated

and flies everywhere.
Because they're our flies.

Yes, that's very true.

The few rooms that are habitable
have heat,

but the system is being fed
by small gas bottles,

which run out within hours.

FLICKS SWITCH REPEATEDLY

BLEEP!

Dick thinks he's found a solution.

Big D, that tank is going in
under the ground over there,

so we've got a very large
supply of gas.

At the minute, we're using
bottles and they last about...

three hours on maximum burn!

This is the best solution.

And an even better thing
about the scheme,

it's going to cost him nothing.

It's a French freebie,
to help people in rural communities

where there are no gas mains.

But digging a hole of this size
so close to the chateau

could be risky.

Where do our sewage pipes go?

The last thing we want to do
is have one of those dug up.

The idea of him actually finding
a pipe full of our poo, not good!

It's a total voyage of discovery
today.

The new tank holds 1,100 litres,
equal to 84 bottles.

While the tank fits, the sewage pipe
is still missing in action.

Really hoping it's not just
filling up the basement somewhere!

Part of the deal is to dig
a trench for the supply pipe.

But they're only contracted
to take it so far.

What I didn't realise
was when you get your tank put in,

you get five metres of trench.
And that's it.

Because if I'd known, I would have
actually had my tank a lot closer

to this is where it's going
into the building.

But paying a skilled gas engineer
to do all the donkey work

is not in Dick's budget.

So he's doing the smart part of it
and I'm doing my navvy bit.

It's got to be done.

And I'm far too old for this.

C'est une jonquille?
Jonquille. Jonquille.

C'est une jonquille sur le chateau.

It's a daffodil
on the side of the chateau.

Very beautiful! Very beautiful!

With the new supply connected...

There we are. We're cooking on gas!

..hopefully, that'll be the end
the onerous small bottles.

Before the gas team leave,

resourceful Dick
spots another opportunity

to get something for nothing.

One of the vans coming in
has nudged the top of my post.

And it's heavy, I couldn't move it
even when I got up on a ladder.

So he's going to nudge it
with his digger.

The man is so delicate.

OK?

Parfait.

That saves me
an awful lot of hassle.

Merci.

Once the chateau's land
stretched for miles,

growing food to feed
a huge household.

Hold my hand, hold my hand,
we're going to go for a walk.

Let's go for a walk now.

We have here so many resources
that we can use

to have a really good
quality of life.

Look at the fish.

The kids are going to grow
up somewhere with a moat,

with woodlands,
with a walled garden.

We're going to have a chance to be
properly self-sufficient as well.

And that's where the fun starts.

Dick grew up in the country,
but for a city girl like Angel,

this is a whole new experience.

How many chickens are we having?

20? No! Can you imagine how
many eggs? You'd be egg-bound!

But they won't drown in the moat?
No, they won't.

They won't go in the moat.
Do you think a chicken knows

that it can't swim?
Yes, of course it does! Really?

Of course it does. I promise you.

Their first target for the good life
is the walled garden, or potager.

It was once the centrepiece
of the chateau's productivity.

With an orchard and vegetable patch.

We will tame it. We'll get as much
food as we possibly can because,

this place is meant to be lived on.

Dick sees the potager as the
perfect bolthole for chickens.

But first, he'll have to make
it fox proof.

The foxes will come
and kill our chickens.

In the water, we've seen
what look like large ratty things.

That's the head of one of those
rodents,

that a fox has killed.

If you look at those teeth, they
look like beaver teeth.

The chickens will take up residence
in the old laundry room.

Is it warm enough in here?
The chickens, they have big duvets!

All those feathers. I'm not worried
about that at all.

Listen, I really don't know
anything about chickens,

but I'm guessing in a couple
of weeks, I will.

Yes, you will, very quickly.

Dick and Angel are keen to get
started.

But it's not easy
with two kids under three.

We need to put more time in
and we don't have any!

But the cavalry, in the form
of Angel's parents, is on its way.

I'm here! I've arrived!

Steve and Jenny are also taking
a giant leap of faith

by moving to France.

It used to be quite traditional
to have multi generations together,

for a very good reason.

Families used to stick together.

Their room for now
will be the grand salon,

where the window handles are carved
with a portrait of Lady Baglion,

and guests were entertained
in some splendour.

It's a far cry from Benfleet
in Essex.

THEY LAUGH

Well, it was a bit different to
when we did it 40 odd years ago!

The chateau is still packed
full of treasures,

providing hours of foraging for
Dick,

who likes nothing
more than to improvise.

This old ladder,
I wouldn't walk up it,

but the chickens will roost on it.
Watch. You see?

What we have there...
Oh, I see. Right, OK.

When they come time to roost.
There's enough space for them

to spread out.

This is one of the doors
in one of the stables.

It feels like it's made of hardwood.

And what I'm doing is
making a little area here.

So that when we open this door
and come in,

the chickens don't all go
straight out the door.

Which is quite important,
because 12 acres is quite a lot

of space to lose them.

The laundry backs
onto the walled garden,

but there's no hatch to let
the chickens come and go.

I have to be a little bit careful
here,

because I don't want
the whole thing to come down.

Shall we pretend
that we've escaped somewhere?

Happy chicken hole?
Yeah, that's good. OK.

DRILL WHIRS

With the baby-sitters installed,
and the hatch completed,

all Dick and Angel need to do now
is to get themselves to market.

There we go. We're ready!

The chateau is in a part of France
called the Pays de la Loire.

Named after the country's
longest river,

flowing 630 miles
from the Massif Central mountains

to the Atlantic Ocean.

This is France's
largest farming region.

Its produce is famous
all around the world.

There's supposed to be chickens
at the market.

Lots of people!

Dick and Angel have come to the
market town of St Helier d'Harcourt,

just over the border in Normandy.

# Chick, chick, chick, chickens!
Lay a little egg for me! #

They're looking for
the petit marche, where you can buy

almost any farmyard animal, and
the stall holders love to haggle.

There we go. What's that?

Cages. Cages! Bonjour, monsieur!

Oh, it's so cute! It's like a pet!

Allez, on va tourner. Par ce que
c'est comme ca. Hup! Voila!

OK. I think they've got ducks
over there.

They have. They're adorable!

Are these pets, or are they
for eating? No, no.

Darling, we're in France.

I love the colour of their hair.
Platinum blondes.

C'est Marilyn Monroe!

THEY LAUGH

Right, OK. What do you fancy?
Un, deux, trois.

One, two, three. OK.

I actually think we should take
three of those as well. OK.

Dit coucou a la camera! Coucou!

OK, now, I've got to tell you,
I like these. C'est tres bon.

Nine. Woohoo!

And do you want to get a big boy
for them?

What, so they start breeding?

No, it's just the cockerel
will keep them together.

Well, that's enough. Yes.
That is.

Nine chickens and a cockerel.

Purchased at £8.50 each.

Dick's like,
"We're only having six."

But I could tell
he got a bit excited.

Ooh! Woooh! Very good! La banque!

We saved 50p
by spending £100, nearly.

Merci! Au revoir! A bientot.

OK! Is that OK?
Yes, let's go this way.

Be careful.

We're going to see some chickens!

Yay! What noise do they make?
HE ROARS

CAR HORN BEEPS

THEY LAUGH

Hello!
We've got a present for you!
Help Mummy carry this in.

I can't do it on my own.

THEY LAUGH

Dorothy, want some?
Dorothy, want some?

We're making this a home,
aren't we?

Arthur! Come here, mate.
Come here, mate. Arthur, come here.

What's that? Is this...?
HE GIGGLES

What is it? Chicken! Chicken!
THEY LAUGH

That's the first
time he's ever said that!

There we go, look at that.
Arthur, look!

THEY LAUGH

Just weeks after moving in,
Dick and Angel have heat,

hot water and livestock.

And all being well,
it'll be omelettes at dawn!

It's been two months since Dick and
Angel moved their family into a

derelict 19th-century chateau.

So far, they've barely made a dent
in the 450 faults

listed by the inspector.

Woodworm, crumbling masonry and
leaking windows are unchanged.

With their savings running dry,

they've been doing as much work as
they can to make the place liveable.

But the squeeze is hitting home.

We are not made of money and that
tiny little bit of cushion we had

has been used to buy the chateau.

But it is constant expense.

And you know what? A bit of a shock
to Dick and I.

Things are expensive here, much more
than in the UK.

To keep the project afloat,

Dick has to leave the chateau and
his family behind

to take work overseas.

Dick's away earning money to pay for
the chateau.

We're just excited to see this place
breathe again.

After a few weeks away...

Oh, it's making my ear go funny.

..he's back home, just in time for
the turn of the season.

Spring's arriving, the leaves out.

It's so beautiful.

Big blow.

Yeah! Look at that!

What are these? Little trees?

Those are little trees. Those
are conker trees.

Watch, now, this is really,
really clever.

There's the conker.

Oh, wow!

That tree is a conker from
the year we moved here.

Once upon a time, the chateau was
surrounded by a huge forest.

It provided the wood for all the
fixtures.

The double revolution staircase
and parquet flooring

all came from oak and
chestnut trees.

Master craftsmanship like this can
last for centuries,

but without maintenance,

the exteriors have succumbed to the
elements

and the windows are showing
their age.

Employing artisans to replace them
now could cost upwards of £60,000.

Dick hopes he can do the job for
less than ten.

Paying other people to work
for you...

causes me pain.

Much better to do it
yourself.

Dick would like to make the windows
as close

to the originals as possible.

If you look here, you've got the
curve going in on the female,

and it sticks out in the male.

And when those two come together the
male goes in like that

and gives it rumpy-pumpy, which
means

the draft doesn't come
through.

I like that. In fact they're all
very well made

for windows that are
150, 170 years old.

They will be able to hold a
double-glazed panel.

What makes this difficult is this.

That's expensive.

By the time I've done 50 of them, I
could be quite good at this.

Some of the windows are salvageable,

as are most of the cast-iron
handles.

They operate on a sophisticated
locking system called Cremone.

No way you can afford to buy
this today.

It's just lovely to think we're
going to be keeping these

and using them.

How much would it cost to buy this
again?

Why would you do that?

While Dick orders some specially-cut
double glazing panels,

Angel is determined to keep to her
deadline of a November wedding.

Well, I'm about to print Dick and
I's wedding invitations

onto tea towels.

And I just wanted to put all
the care and love

that we're going to put into our
invite,

I wanted that to stay with
people.

Dick made the screen printing device
for Angel.

It's a technique that was popular in
France in the 19th-century.

I haven't done this before.

One, two, three...
Ink is skimmed across a stencil,

which leaves an imprint on the
towel.

Oh, no!

It looks beautiful, but look.

That's really weird.

Dick.

Look, that's really odd! Why's
that happened?

The reason why you've got marks at
the end is, your screen...

See those edges here? It hasn't been
covered over, has it?

It hasn't been covered over, so we
need to get that taped up.

Right. OK, let's give it another go.

See what's going on now...

Yes!

That looks great, doesn't it?

It represents where we are in our
life right now.

I am so, so, so chuffed.

But I've got about 180 to do,

and at the moment, it's
a little bit slow!

That's a lot of guests to provide
facilities for.

And the whole plumbing system will
need another upgrade to cope.

What needs to go is the 50 metres of
lead piping that's been hanging

around since the servants
hand-pumped water from the well.

How are we getting on?

British plumbers Lee and his son,
Kyle, have returned to get rid

of the once harmful pipes that have
been banned from use

since the 1970s.

As far as we're concerned, this is
the last vestiges of the old system.
Of the old system. Yeah, indeed.

It's going. So, all the lead
disappears.

And there's probably enough lead
in here

to pay for about three copper pipes!

They're also here to make an
important addition

to Dick's bespoke
heating system.

This is the heart of the whole
house,

and these are almost like arteries

that flow through the rest of the
house.

But with nearly 9,000 square feet
of space over five floors,

the heart just isn't strong enough.

Right now, there is only sufficient
water pressure

to run one tap at a time.

How are you going to hold it? Do we
need to put a piece of rope around
it?

Dick's remedy is to spend £500 on a
booster tank

which will triple the
water pressure.

But someone has to carry that tank
all the way to the attic.

We've done it before, haven't we,
so...?

It's a bloody long way up with it!

89 steps. 89...!

To be precise!

Ingenious Dick has a knot for every
occasion.

We're going to put down two clove
horses and a half reef or something.

You have to have a knot that holds
on to itself.

One more twist, one more twist.

Let's just walk up this way and see
what happens. Let's go. Let's see
what happens.

Right. That will get us up to the
first floor.

How many stairs have we done?

13. 17. 17? 17.

The main stairwell, which was built
to fit yards of silk skirts

and crinoline petticoats,
is no problem.

It's when they hit the servants'
quarters that the big crush begins.

Three, two, one...

Stay there.

I've got them. I've got them.
I'm happy.

I've got it, mate, I've got it.
Yeah.

Five floors up and the tank is
finally ready for connection.

So, that was brute force and
ignorance.

We need to open some windows up
here.

Thanks, matey.

Inside the 450-litre tank is a
balloon filled with air

which helps to create pressure.

The booster tank is a very
simple system.

The water comes in here so we've got
a big reservoir.

In this part of it is air.

That water is being pressurised,

which means if you open your taps
everybody gets the same amount of

pressure because we've got this big
reservoir being pushed down there.

So we never get to the point where
we lose pressure in our taps.

This one tank will
create enough pressure

to run several taps at once.

It's definitely an improvement.

That's quite exciting. You can have
a shower while somebody brushes
their teeth.

You may take
it for granted but when the water

travels five floors up in the air,
it's slightly more of a problem.

It's quite a neat solution.

With the new plumbing online,

Angel puts her seal on
the wedding date.

Old magazines from the chateau.

Which I just think is just like...

is just a little bit nice.

This is the special wax.

There's something ceremonial about
that.

And we have a little seal made up
with Dick and my initials on

and the date of the wedding.

Da-da!

Sexy, right?

Back at his workshop, the windows
are starting

to give Dick a headache.

We just have to cut off enough,

and then we're going to give us
those two straight edges.

He's already spent days finding out
that each one is a different size.

He's enlisted the help of Angel's
father, Steve, a retired jeweller.

This is the cut list we have,
and for the entrance hall

we know that we need three of
them that are 50

and three of them
that are 45.

Dick's bought some wood for the
task.

He was hoping it would arrive cut to
size, but no such luck.

Went along to the lumberyard
to discover that they're going on
holiday

for five weeks.

So I had to very quickly buy what is
basically dried oak.

It's seasoned.

This is the outside of the tree.
It's where all the sap rises.

No good for windows. So what we have
to do now is find the planks,

the bits of wood that are inside
this heart wood.

What was going to be a big job has
just got a lot bigger.

Steve and I are going to turn
basically dried bits of tree into
windows.

We love a challenge.

Dick has spent £600 on timber so
far,

but a third of it is useless.

Wow.

Just look at that.

That's waste. Isn't that
unbelievable? I know.

It's a job that would have been done
by skilled carpenters.

It doesn't like that knot at all,
does it?

Let's start again.

Not two novices
who are feeling their way.

But the wedding invites are out, and
the deadline is set in stone.

A few weeks after arriving at the
chateau,

some residents are definitely
feeling at home.

CLUCKING

A relaxed chicken is a good laying
chicken

and it's a tantalising taste of what
life could be like when the walled

garden is up and running.

Now, what are we looking for?

Eggs. Come on, come in.

Yay! Have we got eggs?

Put them in, put them in the basket.

Good boy.

Yeah, gentle.

Eggie, eggie, eggies.

I think we have four eggs.

That's not bad. Chick!

We expect to get...

..seven or eight eggs a day

when they're starting to lay but
look at the size, little baby eggs.

They're little pullets, bless them.

They start smaller, but they get
bigger very, very quickly.

And they begin laying every couple
of days,

but then they're going to lay
every day.

How are we doing, children?
We want eggs!

Eggs! Right.

There you go, Mummy.

Daddy's egg sits like that.

Watch, here's Dorothy's egg.

Where's it gone? It's disappeared.

Don't dip too much. Well done.

Oh, Dorothy.

Nice? Yummy.

Look at that, Dorothy.

That's the boy.

While a quieter way of life is just
what Dick and Angel wanted,

they're finding out that French
building suppliers can go quiet,
too.

I've waited five weeks for my double
glazed window panes.

And I'm still waiting. I'd like to
put a rocket up everyone's arse.

And get them to work a bit quicker.

Dick and I actually are at a point
where we really do need to sit down

and work out what we're not going
to do.

With no new glass for the windows,

Dick has no choice but to put the
whole job on hold.

We have...

..not enough time and too many
windows to try and redo.

So we're going to have to make some
really brutal decisions.

BANGING

We're repairing every window that
can be repaired,

as opposed to replacing it.

Here's an example.
A little but rotten,

but apart from a new sheet of glass
in here, some new putty,

a lick of paint, you know, this
winter it'll be great.

It may even last another two
winters.

There you go.

One window down, 58 to go.

When all about you is crumbling, the
best thing to do is find solace in

the bottle.

HE CHUCKLES

Thousands of bottles, in fact.

I'd buy the chateau for this place.

Look at all these bottles.

And they're all handmade.

In here, this one is completely
different from this one,

which is completely different from
that. They're all individual.

A tour of the cellar reveals that
the estate once produced vast

quantities of brandy and cider.

They have a local brew here,
it's called calva.

It's like an apple brandy.

I can see these bottles, cleaned
out, filled with calva,

cork in the top, dipped in red wax
and set back on the shelf.

And I'll gradually work my way
through.

I'll get into such trouble.

While he's down there...

..Dick spots something else that
might be useful.

Look in there. That barrel is in
amazing condition.

Dick has always been a big fan of
smoked food

and these huge wine barrels could
make a perfect smokers.

I think I've done my first smoker
probably 30 years ago out of an oil

drum. And I've been doing it ever
since.

All you have to do is put a smoke
box outside it,

put some smoke into it and you get
smoked food.

He decides then and there to start a
whole new industry at the chateau.

We've got lots of work to do.

Now all he needs is a stove to make
the smoke.

I just love the fact that every time
you come to the attic,

you find something.

That's almost too pretty.

I'll use that probably as a stove,
as opposed to, for a smoker.

Dick soon finds something more
spartan from the 1950s.

It looks like it's meant to be
smoking food.

And this is so ridiculous.

Hold on.

A-ha ha-ha!

It's better than that!

It opens and shuts to regulate the
amount of smoke.

I thought I was going to have to
build something to do that.

Way to go.

I've done lots of different types of
smokers. This is a cold smoker.

I have a lovely oak barrel and I'm
going to cut it up.

Then, beside that, I've got my
little stove and there's a pipe

going between the two.

In the little stove there's a fire
box and the smoke in there is warm.

But by the time it's moved down the
pipe and into my barrel,

it'll be cool.

This may look like something from a
bathroom to you.

But it's now a very important
kitchen apparatus.

Fills this, everything in there
get smoked

and all my excess smoke goes out at
the top.

You can put cheese in here.

You know, all sorts of salamis and
meats and things can go in here.

And they'll get smoke flavouring
without them cooking.

They certainly have enough cheeses
to choose from.

There are over 300 different types
in France.

Every region has its own variety.

Here we go.

Half a mile away, a family run dairy
specialises in Camembert.

Firing up the smoker is a perfect
excuse for a visit and to parle a

bit of Franglais with
the neighbours.

Nous habitons pres d'ici.

Um... Nous, er... Nous avons une,
er...une place qui...

Oh, pardon, madam.

Pour la fait...

Join in any time, sweetheart.

Peut-etre nous, er, fumee...

..notre fromage aussi.

I think they understood
what's going on.

C'est bon. Vous avez le plus grand.
Oui!

I was thinking what we could do is
keep one to the side as a control,

smoke two and then eat them at
different stages and see what they

taste like? I'm up for that.

We are going to be so full of
cheese.

Au revoir.

Bye-bye. Thank you.

Dick and Angel hope to serve smoked
cheese at their wedding.

By then, they will have perfected
the art, using shavings from the

apple trees to add flavour.

This is the subtle way of lighting.

We didn't have to build the smoker,
cos we had the rest of the chateau
to do.

But it was easy. Darling, it will be
six hours of gentle smoking.

Followed by 24 hours of waiting,
followed by cheese.

Phwoar! Oh, man.

Yummy, yummy.

The cheese is ready to serve,

along with quince jelly from the
orchard.

Mmm.

Mmm. That works, baby.

When you sit down at a table
that's got your food on it,

you think to yourself,
"Oh, life's good."

It's beautiful.

Dick and Angel have been seduced by
the French way of life.

But it's a pace that will have to
change if they want their chateau to

be ready for their wedding.

Next time... If you're going to
make holes in your chateau,

you might as well make them
nice ones.

..Dick and Angel go
construction crazy.

Can I help?

But time is running out.

They've got the grand salon, the
petit salon, the dining room,

the upstairs kitchen, the downstairs
kitchen, the utility room...

Sometimes, things don't quite go
according to plan.

HUMMING

Merci, monsieur.

What a monumental pain in the arse.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media