Original subtitles

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

That's me:

Dick Strawbridge, my darling wife Angel, and our two

beautiful children.

Angel: Potato!

Dick: Nearly three years ago, we up sticks for a whole new life

in France and bought this magnificent chateau.

- Oh [laughing]! - [child screams]

Dick: We've been doing it up ever since.

Oh baby, we--oh, you're so strong.

Dick: Turns out we're not the only ones.

Angelina: Oh, yeah, yeah.

- [glass shatters] - Woman: Oops.

Dick: Dozens of Brits are taking the plunge to rescue these

stunning buildings.

- [crash] - Man: Oh!

Woman: What amazing colours.

Jonathan: We need to get on top of it.

Get on top of the goats.

Dick: In this series, we'll reveal more on how we're running

our chateau as a business--

Oh, ta-da, back on dry land!

I'm still finding things that I haven't seen.

Dick:--and we'll help these daring families run theirs--

Angel: Muah, muah.

Here's to the meeting of two like-minded couples.

- Man: Yes, cheers. - Angel: Cheers.

Dick:--as they face the highs--

- It's really beautiful. - Dick:--and lows--

[engine dies]

It's extremely expensive.

It's financial suicide.

Dick:--of running these gorgeous buildings as everything from

B&Bs to beautiful wedding venues.

Tanya: Owning a chateau isn't glamorous.

[man gags]

Tanya: Anyone who thinks it is is delusional.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: Today:

The perils of repairing a six-storey chateau.

I'm not too afraid of heights, but this is a bit extreme.

♪ ♪

Dick: Plumbing problems at this 12th century abbey.

Ooh.

Do you see anything?

Clive: Yes, well, come down and have a look.

No thanks [chuckles].

Dick: How running a chateau with loved ones is never plain

sailing.

John, John, we employ him to look after this pool.

- John: Yeah. - Marion: Is it out now?

He hasn't done it for four years!

♪ ♪

Dick: And Angel and I carry out valuable research into our new

wine list.

We could get so pickled this afternoon.

[Angel giggles]

[Angel slurps]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: Londoner Billy and his French fiancée Gwendoline are

still in their 20s.

But with the help of Billy's older brother Michael,

they're working hard to turn the 22-bedroom Chateau de la

Basmaignée into a luxury wedding venue, as well as a beautiful

family home.

♪ ♪

It is a bit fancy, yeah.

Living in a French chateau has always been a bit of a dream.

Together, I think we can make it work.

Gwendoline: Yeah, definitely.

Yeah.

And we might have a few problems on the way, but that's part of

life, isn't it [laughs]?

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Dick: Their chateau is in the Pays de la Loire in northwestern

France.

They live in the guesthouse but need to move out in just three

weeks so they can rent it to paying guests.

♪ ♪

Dick: That means making the chateau habitable.

But the wood burner is causing them a bit of a problem.

♪ ♪

Well?

It's not supposed to be coming out the sides, is it?

Well, that's what I was thinking.

[everyone chuckles]

Michael: I wonder why it's doing that.

Billy: I think the--the cement between the blocks; I think it

needs repointing--

Oh yeah, it needs repointing probably.

--because there's smoke pouring out of the holes through the

sides and between the stone.

- Gwendoline: Yeah. - Michael: Hmm.

So it shouldn't be doing that.

♪ ♪

Dick: They suspect the brickwork needs repointing, a pretty

straightforward repair job if you're at ground level.

♪ ♪

It looks like the--the house is on fire, rather than the chimney.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

Dick: Unless they repair the chimney, they won't be able to

use the wood burner.

So someone's going to have to go all the way up there and fix it.

It's probably about 20 meters, something like that, so it's

quite high up.

When you're up there, you're like, "Ooh," [chuckles].

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

♪ ♪

Dick: Billy's gamely volunteered to take on the job.

Fortunately, he's got just the piece of kit for it.

♪ ♪

We bought a cheery picker.

It goes about 22 metres.

It's not a new machine; it's quite old.

And hopefully we have no problems, and we don't fall off

the thing.

Dick: But they haven't so much as switched it on since buying

it several weeks ago.

All right, so how do we get this thing going?

Billy: Um, this is the main switch to turn it on.

Michael: Yeah.

Billy: And this is the ignition.

Michael: Did it start?

Billy: It's supposed to start.

Do you want to jump up on top of the thing and make sure the red

switch--look, 'cause look, basically it's like that

sometimes.

You have to twist it so it's up like that.

Michael: And there's one over on that--

There's one on that, so jump up on top of it and just check it.

Michael: Right, OK.

- It's not working! - Billy: Yeah, uh...

Michael: Did you know it worked when you bought it?

No, it worked when we bought it, but--

[beeping]

[beeping]

Billy: This--

Michael: That doesn't sound right.

It means--I don't know what it means.

We'll have to look in the manual, I think.

Dick: If Billy can't get up to fix the chimney, there might be

some cold nights ahead for them all.

[beeping]

♪ ♪

[birds chirp and squawk]

Dick: It's no small task trying to heat a chateau.

Especially where we live in northwestern France.

Winters here can be bone-chilling, often dipping to

minus 10.

[bird squawks]

Dick: It gets so cold sometimes even our moat freezes over.

It's not exactly warm in here.

It will be soon.

In the beginning, it was a constant battle to heat our

home.

♪ ♪

We could not heat this house in a way that would make my mom and

dad happy--[chuckles]--so our life from January and February

revolved around heating this house.

Dick would get up 5:00 a.m. in the morning, turn the heating

on to heat this room so the kids would wake up not freezing.

Then he'd run downstairs and get the heating on for the dining

room so we would have breakfast in the heat [chuckles].

And he kind of went around, back again, and up.

So the whole house was on/off to make sure that we had only heat

in one room for that time, because you can imagine trying

to heat the whole house would have been mental and a lot of

money.

Not sustainable.

♪ ♪

Dick: Heating all our rooms continuously could cost over

£500 a week.

Sometimes a chateau really can feel like a money pit.

♪ ♪

Dick: 100 miles south at Chateau de Bois Giraud, Marion and her

husband John had just splashed out nearly £500 on having

hundreds of flies removed.

♪ ♪

Dick: Marion from Oxfordshire runs this place as a luxurious

holiday gîte with her two sisters Tanya and Katherine.

Tanya: I wouldn't say it's profitable, but it covers its

costs which is what we need it to do.

Dick: Nestled in the Loire Valley and set in 20 acres of

rural parkland, this gorgeous 19th century chateau has 9

bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a swimming pool, and even a gym.

My children really adore going there, and it is great for

family get-togethers.

We really enjoy it, and that's kind of where we get our

satisfaction and pleasure, from that side, you know, from the

family point of view.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Every year, the sisters make the trip over from the U.K. to get

it ready for another holiday season.

[bell ringing]

♪ ♪

[Tanya laughs]

Dick: This morning, big sister Tanya and her family arrived.

Today, an engineer has come to fix the lift.

Tanya: Bonjour!

My French isn't good, but--

My French is worse [laughs].

Dick: Fortunately, their managing agent Isabel is on hand

to translate.

♪ ♪

OK, so could you ask him if there is still the same problem

that there was last time with the lift?

Uh...the problem unit last time, is it still--

- In French. - Oh, en français.

[laughter]

I remember he said there was a click, click sound, which Tanya

and I, we're not worried about.

Marion: But--but we think it's fine, but just to check.

Marion: Mm hmm.

I hope it's OK.

And so just to confirm, today he is going to put alarms,

loud ones, on each floor.

- Oui. - Oui.

- Perfect, merci beaucoup. - Man: OK.

- [laughter] - Brilliant English.

- Thank you. - [laughter]

Dick: Whilst the engineer gets to work...

♪ ♪

Dick: Marion and Tanya realize they don't have any means to pay

him for the job.

We're off to the bank.

- We need to go now. - Yeah, we're late.

- We will be late. - [laughs] So let's go.

Marion: So we have to go--OK.

Dick: But before they can leave, Marion's husband John wants to

talk about the issue with the roof.

The ledge or the--it's dangerous, very dangerous.

Marion: All right, John.

I don't need him to start messing about and interfering.

I just don't need that.

Dick: And there's something else Marion doesn't want her husband

to interfere with.

At the moment, we're waiting for the pool man to come and open it

up, and John's had a little look and would quite like to do it

himself.

But I've asked him not to because there are occasions when

he starts interfering, and then he creates more problems.

Then it's just--

♪ ♪

- OK, thank you. - Woman: Thank you.

Oh, very good.

- Marion: That was great. - Tanya: Yeah.

Dick: But when Marion gets back from the bank an hour later,

she finds John couldn't help himself.

He's decided to tackle the pool.

John, we employ him to look after this pool.

John: Yeah.

The fact of the matter is, is that I always a bit cautious of

where he stands in the whole pool maintenance--

John, this is his pool.

It's not your pool.

Is it out now?

He hasn't done it for four years.

He doesn't do anything, though, does he?

That's the problem.

Look at the state of the pool.

The whole pool is leaking.

- The pool-- - Marion: It's not leaking!

John: It is leaking!

Marion: It's there so if water...

♪ ♪

Dick: I hope John and Marion can settle their differences as

there's still a lot more to do here.

♪ ♪

- Marion: John-- - John: Yes?

Tanya: Please, could you look at the downstairs loo seat and tell

us if it needs a new one?

Marion: Under the stairs, just there.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: As any Brit who started a new life in France knows,

one of the many pleasures of living here is having

world-famous vineyards at your doorstep.

♪ ♪

- Dick: Bonjour, monsieur! - Patrick: Bonjour, monsieur.

- Je m'appelle Dick. - Et je m'appelle Angel.

Enchanté.

♪ ♪

Dick: But for Angel and I, tasting wine isn't just about

buying new additions for our own cellar.

We're having a private session here to find wines, local wines.

Angel: Mm.

♪ ♪

Dick: Local sommelier Patrick is helping us put together a new

wine list for our wedding season.

We want to be able to have people come to the chateau for

the first time, drink the wine and go, "Wow!"

♪ ♪

Dick: But as ever when running a chateau, it's a balance between

tasting good and not burning too big a hole in your pocket.

♪ ♪

Dick: With more than 4,000 vineyards in the Loire Valley

alone, the choices are a little overwhelming.

Um...

And to complicate matters further, the wines on our list

need to complement all different varieties of food.

Angel: No.

No, no, no.

[Patrick speaking in French]

Angel: We need a bon, bon vin--what's good--

We just need good wine that can go with everything.

♪ ♪

Dick: Oui.

Dick: Yeah.

♪ ♪

Dick: Scallops.

The best wines carry the prestigious AOC certificate

guaranteeing their origin and quality.

[Patrick speaking in French]

Dick: OK.

Should we like get some--

Yes, I think we have to.

--and then--and try them?

[snorts]

We could get so pickled this afternoon.

[Angel giggles]

♪ ♪

Dick: OK.

[Patrick slurping wine]

[Dick speaking in French]

[Patrick slurping]

I just can't do that.

You actually--no, you have to.

It let's the air into your mouth.

[Patrick chuckles]

Dick: Go--[slurps].

Suck the earth out.

You have to.

[slurps]

I've got a brace at the back of my teeth.

You know that I can't--I just can't do it.

Dick: Of course you--you can do it.

Hon!

♪ ♪

[Patrick laughs]

[Angel slurping]

Angel: Not really into wine that much.

I understand the theory behind it, I just don't love it the

same way that Dick does.

The wine is totally part of the package, and I'm as equally

passionate at getting the right thing as Dick, but I'm not

comfortable with it at all [chuckles].

[slurps]

I just--I can't do it.

I can't do it.

Oh, maybe.

Maybe I'll practise in private, in front of the mirror.

[slurps]

♪ ♪

Dick: With Patrick's help, we've definitely saved a few pennies

on our wine list today.

And been persuaded into buying a few extra bottles to carry on

our research at home.

Taste this, have a nap.

[Angel sighs]

Angel: Look after the kids, give mom and dad a break [chuckles]?

Dick: No, leave the kids to your mom and dad, taste this, have a

nap.

Angel: [chuckling] No.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: 350 miles east of here on the other side of the country is

another world-famous wine region:

Burgundy.

♪ ♪

Dick: Here, a 12th century abbey has been lovingly restored by

English couple Clive and Tanith Cummings, and turned into an

upmarket hotel.

♪ ♪

Tanith: We love being over in France.

It's so peaceful, and it's so tranquil, and it's just--

Clive: We've got some very good friends locally who we socialize

with.

We're part and parcel of the local community.

♪ ♪

Dick: As well as 20 rooms, this former place of worship boasts a

Michelin-starred restaurant.

[man speaking in French]

Dick: But they're still not yet making a profit.

♪ ♪

We are still a young business.

We have a very healthy bank loan.

It's a fair amount of money that goes out each month.

Our electricity's normally anywhere between 3,000 and 5,000

a month.

I'd love to be a profitable organization, but at the moment,

we're not.

I don't make any money, and so that's what gets you sometimes.

You work so hard and you get to the end of the year, and you're

like--[bleep].

You know, there's nothing left.

You know, we spent it all.

♪ ♪

Dick: To keep costs down, Clive and Tanith do as many jobs

around the abbey as they can.

We can work in most departments, apart from the kitchen.

I do avoid the kitchen as much as possible, as far as helping

out.

- But any other department-- - Clive: Yeah.

--either of us will go in and help where is necessary.

So it's very hands-on, but we've always been very hands-on.

♪ ♪

Dick: Today, Clive is going to have to be a bit more hands-on

than usual.

He's got a pond that's suffocating from an invasion of

algae, and his fountain has stopped working.

♪ ♪

It's normally a crystal-clear pond, fresh water that flows

through, and you can see the fish beautifully.

And as you can see, it's a bit of an eyesore now.

Dick: Too much algae can suck out the oxygen from the pond

which could be devastating for the 12 koi carp Clive keeps.

♪ ♪

It's a job that I want to get done pretty quick.

There won't be fish today; that's the problem.

♪ ♪

Dick: Once he's satisfied he's got enough algae out, Clive can

move on to the next problem.

♪ ♪

Dick: His fountain's broken, and he needs to fit a pump, but to

do that, he needs to lower the water level by three inches.

The plug for the pond is at the bottom which is about waist

deep, and I've gotta get in there and pull the plug out to

let the water out.

I don't know how far I can lean under, so I don't know whether

I'm gonna have to put me shoulders in and go for a swim.

Not a very nice day for swimming.

It looks pretty cold in there as well.

♪ ♪

Dick: But Clive's got a big pair of waders, so this should be a

fairly simple job.

It's normally about a metre deep, and it just comes up

literally to about a centimetre of my waders, but I've just got

a sneaky feeling I'm gonna get wet socks.

♪ ♪

Dick: In you get, Clive.

[air bubbling]

You can hear it.

♪ ♪

That's a 12th century plug [laughs].

♪ ♪

Dick: But removing it doesn't appear to have made the

slightest bit of difference.

It's not draining away.

It's--the water's coming back up the aqueduct here.

It's not moving at the moment.

♪ ♪

Dick: As far as I'm concerned, getting your hands dirty is all

part and parcel of running a chateau, especially if it saves

you a few quid.

♪ ♪

Dick: For me, there's nothing more satisfying than solving a

problem without spending any money at all.

♪ ♪

Dick: And finding old things like this lying around is a

godsend for small DIY jobs, like building a chicken coop.

This old ladder, I wouldn't walk up it, but the chickens will

roost on it.

Watch.

You see what we have there?

Angel: Oh, I see, right.

When they--when they come time to roost, there's enough space

for them to spread out.

This is one of the doors in one of the stables.

It feels like it's made of hardwood.

♪ ♪

Dick: And what could be better than upcycling a stable door to

keep the hens in and Mr. Fox out?

What I'm doing is making a little area here so that when we

open this door and come in, the chickens don't go all straight

out the door.

Which is quite important because 12 acres is quite a lot of space

to lose them.

♪ ♪

Dick: But if you're really savvy with your renovation, you can

even make a few bob too.

How you getting on?

[water dripping]

Dick: We've had to remove 50 metres of old lead piping that

was used for the chateau's original 19th century plumbing

system.

If this is all lead, it can all go.

♪ ♪

Dick: Most homes had lead water pipes until the 1970s,

when it was discovered just how dangerous they could be to

the water supply.

[water dripping]

Dick: They've been banned in France for more than 20 years,

so I'm not sorry to see this lot go.

♪ ♪

As far as we're concerned, this is the last vestiges of the old

system?

Of the old system, yeah.

It's going.

Man: So all the lead disappears.

Dick: And there's probably enough lead in here to pay for

about three copper pipes [laughs].

♪ ♪

Dick: There's no way this stuff is going to be skipped.

A kilo of lead piping can fetch up to £2 when it's sold to

scrap.

And we've removed hundreds of kilos from our place.

♪ ♪

Quite a lot of scrap here; it's worth money.

Might be able to pay you this time.

- Man: Ooh! - [Dick laughs]

♪ ♪

Dick: Back at Chateau de la Basmaignée, in the Pays de la

Loire, Billy and Michael are trying to save money by doing

all the restoration work themselves, even those jobs that

require a serious head for heights.

♪ ♪

Dick: But at the moment, they can't even get their cherry

picker up and running.

Billy paid 6,000 for it second-hand.

Luckily, it came with an instruction manual.

Oh, there it is.

Let's have a look at it.

Right, it's all in French [chuckles].

- Do you read French? - A little bit.

[speaking in French]

I don't know what that word is.

Michael: Should we get Gwendoline to help us?

Billy: Uh...I think we'll manage.

We'll try--you won't learn if you keep asking Gwendoline.

♪ ♪

Dick: If you asked me, the battery's flat, as the cherry

picker's been sitting idle.

But Billy's got other ideas.

It could be it's a little bit empty on diesel.

Michael: OK.

Well, have you ever filled it up?

I've never filled it up yet.

Michael: Well, maybe that's what it is then [chuckles].

So, should we go and get some diesel?

Billy: I think we should try that, yeah.

Try a bit of diesel.

♪ ♪

[Billy groans]

If this doesn't work, we have got no idea what's wrong with

it, so that will be 6,000 down the drain.

Right, start her up then.

[beeping]

[beeping]

Well, that's great, isn't it?

[birds chirping]

It still doesn't wanna start.

Dick: That sounds like a dead battery to me.

Michael: How long does it take to charge a battery?

I don't know.

- Hours? - Couple.

- Days? - A couple of hours probably.

Michael: A couple of hours.

Billy: It says it's charging which means it hasn't got a lot

of power in it, I think.

That might do the job.

'Cause usually it won't charge if it knows it's got enough

power in it.

Lovely.

We'll sort of leave it to it and come back to it, I think.

- Michael: OK. - Yeah.

Michael: Try again in a few hours.

Yeah, all right then.

♪ ♪

Dick: Billy and Gwendoline have a lot invested in this chateau.

They bought it for 1,000,050 euros, with a large mortgage and

with the help of an inheritance from Gwendoline's late mother.

♪ ♪

You can see my mom here when she was a young girl.

And then there with me.

There's a drawing of her that Michael did here.

And I've got her here as well.

♪ ♪

Dick: It's just two years since Gwendoline's mother died.

Losing my mom, obviously, wasn't easy, and it's still not easy,

but, um--well yeah, I wanted to build something with what she

left me.

I know she would have loved this place with the forest.

My mom used to love nature, everything that was green,

going out for walks.

And actually, when we came to visit this place, we had a walk

in the forest.

I could see my mom there, and--[crying]--I knew she would

have loved it.

[sniffles]

♪ ♪

Achieving what we're trying to do here, in a way, is also for

my mom because she--she allowed us to do this, so we owe it to

her to make it work.

Billy: Hmm.

♪ ♪

Dick: When they found this magnificent place for sale last

year, they had no idea of the history that lay within its

walls.

The chateau is named after the Basmaignée family, who some 300

years ago were royal advisors to King Louis 14th.

Gwendoline: This over here is supposed to be Madame de

Basmaignée who gave her name--basically Basmaignée was

the family name of the family who built the chateau, and it's

supposed to be Madame de Basmaignée going hunting on her

horse.

♪ ♪

Dick: Madame de Basmaignée was the last member of the family to

inhabit the chateau before it was sold following the French

Revolution.

Since then, it's had dozens of owners, some more careful than

others.

Gwendoline: The funny thing here is that you can see that some of

the panelling is missing, and actually we were told that the

previous, previous, previous owners weren't paying their

bills anymore or anything, so the house and--and its contents

were sold in an auction.

Billy: Yeah.

So, people came and bought everything that was in the

house.

And apparently some people bought the panelling from the

walls.

Billy: Because they liked it, I suppose.

So, they just ripped it off.

♪ ♪

Billy: I think stage by stage, you get around to doing all

these rooms.

Yeah, we're not expecting all of it to be done in a year or two.

- Billy: No. - We know it's gonna take--

- No miracles. - Yeah.

But it will get done.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: Having left the cherry picker on charge for a few

hours, it's time for Billy and Michael to see if it's working,

so they can finally get up on the roof and fix the chimney.

♪ ♪

Billy: This is the last resort really.

We--we've done so many things to it that I don't know what else

could be wrong with it, so fingers crossed.

I mean, if it doesn't start, I don't know what we're gonna do,

so hopefully it works.

There's a--there's an ignition button.

It's a small black button.

Push it.

- With a turn--with a turn-- - Billy: Yeah, that's it.

[beeping]

Billy: Push it.

[picker fires up]

It works!

That's brilliant, I'm really pleased.

♪ ♪

Dick: Fixing the cherry picker, that's the easy part.

The real work is still to come.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: In the Loire Valley, sisters Marion and Tanya,

along with their families, are preparing their chateau for the

first guests of the season who arrive in 48-hours' time.

I've got this list to do.

♪ ♪

Dick: The sisters are catching up with paperwork while Marion's

husband John is seeing to the toilets.

- [chatter] - [laughs]

Marion: Would you be willing to go and get another loo seat and

fit it?

I'll go and get one if you want me to, yes.

Tanya: That would be fantastic.

Please, could you go and get another loo seat and fit it?

OK.

Tanya: Thank you, John [laughs].

I don't think he's too happy at all about doing that.

Marion: Do you think it's worth us getting two loo seats?

- John-- - John: Yes?

Why don't you take that loo seat, because all loo seats are

slightly different sizes.

Yeah?

John: All loo seats are the same?

[Tanya laughs]

We're constantly having problems [chuckles].

John, just take it anyway!

You girls really know a lot about loo seats.

[Tanya laughs]

Marion: Anyway, just get it right.

Get it right.

♪ ♪

Dick: 30 minutes later, John and his sons Ben and Dan are on the

prowl for a replacement.

38 euros!

40 euros!

34 euros!

- Boy 1: Ouch! - 39 euros.

- Boy 2: I want a tiger one. - It's quite good, isn't it?

Yeah, no, that's quite off-putting isn't it, really?

It's a bit of a tough one actually.

Boy: Dad's really picky with his toilet seats.

John: Sorry.

Dick: John makes his choice, but just as he's leaving, one loo

seat stands out from all the rest.

Well that is quite clever.

Why not have a bit of fun?

Dick: For John's sake, I hope Marion's as impressed with the

novelty loo seat as he seems to be.

- Merci beaucoup. - Woman: Au revoir.

- Bonjour, au revoir. - Woman: À bientôt.

John: Come on.

♪ ♪

Dick: His wife Marion and sister-in-law Tanya were

convinced loo seats came in all shapes and sizes.

Turns out they were wrong.

There you go, girls.

Tanya: What you got there, John?

- Two loo seats. - [laughs]

They are all the same; they are universal.

I've got you a nice wooden one--

[Tanya laughs]

John:--and I've got this other one, but it says "E=MC2" on top

of it--

[Tanya laughs]

--but they strike out the "M" and they put "W."

"E=WC2."

Tanya: What does the E stand for?

- Marion: Energy. - John: Energy, it's the--

Tanya: No, but in the loo equation [laughs]?

Are you happy with that?

Tanya: We're happy with that, John.

Let's go.

Come on, king of the loo seats.

Figured them before.

Dick: But once it's been fitted, it seems the sisters aren't too

happy with a wooden one either.

I think white would have been better.

[Tanya laughs]

Hate to say it, but it's a white room with white--white tiles.

- Anyway, there's no wood. - John: Bloody loo seat.

I think it's better than the E=M--WC2 or whatever.

John: Well, you said get two, and I--

[laughing] Of course we meant two totally different loo seats,

John.

I think I'm right.

I hate to say, you know what, it doesn't matter what I do, it's

gonna be wrong.

Dammed if you do, and dammed if you don't.

[Tanya laughs]

Voilà, there's the loo seat.

- Marion: Well done, John. - Well done, John.

A bit of splashback on the other one here.

And then a beer.

[groans]

Dick: He deserves one, but he can't go too mad.

♪ ♪

The first guests arrive in less than 48 hours, so everyone will

need their whits about them if they're going to get this place

ready on time.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: 400 miles east at Abbaye de la Bussière, Clive needs to

lower the pond level to fit a new pump to the fountain.

But despite finally plucking up the courage to get into the

pond, pulling the plug doesn't appear to have made a great deal

of difference.

♪ ♪

It's not draining away.

The pipe from the plug goes down into an aqueduct, and the

aqueduct then runs into another aqueduct.

Not moving at all.

♪ ♪

Dick: Beneath the abbey, a network of 12th century

aqueducts carry water around the estate.

The pond water is supposed to drain out into the system too.

The problem is monks didn't leave me any plans, and so I

don't know where it runs.

Unless I go down into the aqueduct itself and have a look.

♪ ♪

Right, let's have a look.

[birds chirping]

So this aqueduct, this runs from the river half vault at the

back of the building, comes all around the reception,

under the patio, and then right down to the lake.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: Clive suspects a blockage somewhere is stopping the pond

from draining out.

And there's only one way to find out for sure.

Clive: Let's go caving.

♪ ♪

[groans]

See ya later.

You see anything?

Clive: Yes--well, come down and have a look.

No thanks [chuckles].

- [water running] - Clive: There's our pump.

Got pipe on the left.

There's nothing up there [grunts].

Nothing at all, what I can see.

[water running]

It takes me back to my old caving days, this does.

Time to get up, time for plan B.

♪ ♪

Dick: Unfortunately for Clive, plan B means he's going to have

to get back into the pond.

And now I'm back to square one again.

♪ ♪

Dick: Back at Chateau de la Basmaignée, Billy's got the

cherry picker up and running.

But before venturing onto the roof to fix the chimney,

he needs a safety harness.

♪ ♪

Billy: One leg goes through there.

Dick: And squeezing into it is proving to be another unexpected

challenge.

Oh, that's a bit tight.

I feel like I'm a--in 50 Shades of Grey.

[both laugh]

Michael: You're all strapped up in it.

I'm all strapped up.

Right, good luck.

See you when I'm back on Earth.

See ya later [laughs].

♪ ♪

Dick: The cherry picker will need to be at its full stretch

of 22 metres for Billy to reach the chimney.

It's pretty high up here, so I'm not looking forward to it

[chuckles].

I think he'll be fine.

He's quite good at this sort of thing.

I'm absolutely terrified.

Michael: How's the view up there, Billy?

I can see England from here.

♪ ♪

Dick: A quick inspection reveals the chimney is riddled with

holes where the 200-year-old mortar has worn away.

If you look at the size of the gap, I mean, I can put my hand

in it, so it's a big-old gap, and that's where all the smoke's

coming out.

Just don't look down [laughs].

♪ ♪

Dick: Filling joints in masonry with mortar like this is called

pointing.

I've never done this before, so it should be all right.

[chuckles]

Going up about 20 metres and whacking a bit of cement in a

hole, it's not the sort of thing you imagine when you buy a

chateau, but--[chuckles]--but you gotta do these things.

This beats a 9-to-5 job back in England, it does [chuckles].

A bit scary, but as long as he's confident up there, it's all

right.

I wouldn't do it myself though.

♪ ♪

Dick: Nice pointing, Billy.

After nearly two hours on the roof, he's just about done.

Have you managed to finish it then?

- Yeah, it's all done. - Michael: Oh, brilliant.

Hold on.

Let's go down.

- [cherry picker shakes] - Oh, I don't like that noise.

Do you?

♪ ♪

- Well done, Billy! - Gwendoline: Yay!

- You're braver than us. - Billy: I am.

[everyone laughs]

You're nuts, huh?

Dick: All that's left to do now is test Billy's pointing by

lighting the wood burner.

♪ ♪

It's working.

Yeah, that's why it's coming out of the chimney.

Yeah, well done, guys.

♪ ♪

Dick: It's worked.

Gwendoline, Billy, and Michael can heat the chateau for free.

But the work doesn't stop here.

There's still lots to do before they're ready to welcome their

first guests.

They're coming in three weeks in this house where we live at the

moment, so we need to get out of it--[chuckles]--and get it

ready.

We've got to move in in three weeks, so there's a lot to do.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: In Burgundy, Abbaye de la Bussière is a high-end luxury

hotel that welcomes guests from all over the world.

So, a blocked pond and a broken fountain simply won't do.

[Clive laughs]

Dick: Having failed to find the mystery blockage in the 12th

century drains, British owner Clive is going to tackle it from

the pond side instead.

Clive: Got a jet wash gun.

I'm hoping that this instrument here, the piping, which you

attach onto here--I'm hoping it's gonna clear up, so that's

what we're hoping.

♪ ♪

Dick: It means Clive will have to get back in the pond, and the

hotel's general manager Michael has come along for moral

support.

Oh, I just got a wet groin [laughs].

That's cold.

Dick: But just when he seems to be making headway--

Michael: It trips itself out.

- Clive: Oh has it? - Michael: Yeah.

So we might have fused the whole abbey [laughs].

Two different plugs it's not working on.

[Michael speaking in French]

Dick: So now Plan B's out the window, it's time to improvise.

If plan C doesn't work, you start plan D, E, F, and G, and

eventually you'll get there.

♪ ♪

Dick: Plan C is a gold old-fashioned drain rod.

"What did you do this aft?"

"I spent my afternoon rodding."

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

- [water travelling] - Can you hear that?

Cracked it.

[bleep]

That must be calcium.

[grunts]

♪ ♪

Dick: Using the rods, Clive's managed to dislodge a buildup

of calcium or limescale in the pipes, about four metres between

the pond and the aqueduct.

My wife's got me on a detox.

I reckon tonight deserves a good glass of wine.

♪ ♪

Dick: Blockage removed, finally the water begins to drain away.

If you want a comfortable life, don't buy an abbey [chuckles].

♪ ♪

Dick: An hour later, the water level has dropped enough to fit

the new pump, so it's back into the pond one last time.

[door creaks]

Clive: Fuse No. 19.

There we go.

Let's hope we haven't electrified the fish [laughs].

♪ ♪

Clive: Hey!

I knew we'd get there.

Doesn't that look good?

That's my mini Geneva.

It's quite perfect

Cool.

Dick: It's a good thing Clive got the fountain fixed--

♪ ♪

Dick:--because tomorrow, some very special guests are due to

arrive.

They're flying in by helicopter which is gonna be an amazing

start.

He wants to propose to his girlfriend.

So, the best thing that we can do is just sort of make it as

special as possible, so that's the plan.

♪ ♪

Dick: 400 miles away in the Loire Valley, it's the final day

getting the 9-bedroom holiday gîte Chateau de Bois Giraud set

up for the holiday season, and sisters Marion and Tanya need to

get the whole place tidied before the team of local carpet

cleaners arrive in an hour.

I've done enough jobs, Mom!

Marion: Oh, look at you.

Dick: One of Marion's last jobs is to check on the chateau's

cellar.

♪ ♪

[door creaks]

Dick: She wants to check that weeds aren't growing in the only

available patch of sunlight down there.

Marion: It gets things growing up and through the crate.

And then they grow up there, and that turns into a bit of a

jungle, but actually, the weed killer from last year looks like

it's kinda done its thing.

Dick: These cool cellars would have been used for food storage

in the days before fridges and freezers.

Marion: So these, they're apple juice.

We were just, obviously, feeling brave, and then we all tried it,

and we're all still alive.

These are just empty bottles.

I know, shame, they're all empty.

I suppose you hang meat on these, don't you?

♪ ♪

Dick: Upstairs, the carpet cleaners have arrived, which

gives Tanya a chance to try out her French before she leaves.

Do come in.

♪ ♪

- Bed. - [women grunt and laugh]

Just do, do, do, do, do.

- Tanya: [inaudible]. - [woman speaking in French]

Oh, superb.

Window--woo, woo, woo.

[woman speaking in French]

[laughs]

Tanya: OK [laughs].

♪ ♪

Tanya: I speak no French; they speak a tiny bit of English,

but we just resulted to sign language and noises, and that

worked really well actually.

Dick: The chateau's nine bedrooms all need to be done in

time for the first paying guests who arrive tomorrow.

Tanya: It's not grand having the carpet cleaners in the day

before, because it needs 24 hours for the carpets to dry,

so it is going to be a rush today to get everything in.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: And it's not her lucky day, as there's a problem with

the carpet cleaning machine.

It's not working.

We're already very, very short of time, and we really don't

have time for a carpet cleaner that doesn't want to do its job,

so we need this like a hole in the head.

Woman: Oops.

♪ ♪

Tanya: Now the boss for the cleaning company for the carpet

cleaner has arrived, come and had a look at it.

So I'm hopeful that he can get it going.

Let's hope the carpet cleaner listens to him and does as it's

told.

[cleaner zaps]

♪ ♪

Dick: Outside, the pool's hose has been left on overnight,

and it's finally clean of full clean water.

Marion: See Pepper?

Dick: And Marion, John, and the kids are all set to leave.

Marion: I just need to get my passport.

- Check my passports. - Dick: Almost.

Marion: Where's my little day--oh.

Dick: They won't be back until September.

- Tanya: Bye John! - John: See ya later.

Tanya: Thanks for your help.

Thanks for your toilet seats.

Dick: Which means the last few jobs are left for Tanya.

♪ ♪

Tanya: See ya then!

Bye!

- Have a good trip! - Cleone: Bye!

Dick: Back inside, there's some good news.

- Oh, that's great. - Voilà.

Thank you, thank you.

Lovely.

It seemed like some sort of blockage.

Dick: With the carpet cleaner back in the game, Tanya can do a

task she always puts off to the end of her visit.

Tanya: Oh, let's see what the flies are like.

Dick: One of the chateau's en-suites seems to be a

favourite residence for these little beasties.

Well, there are a few in there.

Dick: From bitter experience, we know every chateau has flies,

and anyone who says they don't is telling porkies.

Just run it and hope--hope for the best.

That isn't going down properly, or very slowly, that I'm gonna

have to dismantle under here, and that'll probably have flies

in it.

See what we got.

Not really very nice.

So, owning a chateau isn't glamorous [chuckles].

Anyone who thinks it is, is delusional.

Dick: Yeah, but what a wonderful place to live.

Tanya: But that's us done for now in here.

♪ ♪

Dick: Tanya's got to leave in less than an hour to make her

ferry, so it's a good thing the carpet cleaners have finished

their business.

Ça va?

It's come up, I'd say, almost as good as new.

- Woman: It's good for you? - It's very good, thank you!

♪ ♪

Dick: And after a few last jobs--

♪ ♪

Dick:--some simpler than others--

[sighs] Heating.

So now I do--"press the circle button."

Dick:--Chateau de Bois Giraud is finally ready, just about on

time.

It's hard and it's stressful getting out, but it's all done.

♪ ♪

Dick: When the guests arrive tomorrow to enjoy this

magnificent chateau, they'll never even know Tanya,

her sister, and their families had ever been here.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

♪ ♪

Dick: Next time:

Gwen, Billy, and Michael race to get the chateau ready to move

into.

This stuff absolutely stinks.

But Michael goes AWOL.

Gwendoline: Michael!

Michael!

Michael!

Dick: Clive and Tanith find playing Cupid--

He wants to propose to his girlfriend, so he's asked us to

help him.

Dick:--is easier said than done.

I need to very discretely get the gentleman on his own.

Just in case, I'm loitering with intent.

Dick: Things fall apart for a novice builder.

OK, gently let it down.

- [crash] - Man: Oh.

Dick: And whilst bargain hunting at a brocante--

- Oh, I love it. - Dick: It is so wrong.

--Angel finds it hard to stay focused.

- [Angel laughs] - What do you fancy?

You.

Dick: You're so full of twaddle.

Come on.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪