Original subtitles

♪ ♪

This is me:

Dick Strawbridge, my wife Angel, and our two children in our

glorious French chateau.

We haven't ever regretted what we've done.

It is so worth it.

We moved here three years ago to follow our dream of living life

in our very own castle.

[laughing] Oh my god.

Dick: But it's not been easy--

Baby, we--oh, you're so strong.

Dick:--as dozens of other Brits know only too well--

Man: Oops, floor needs replacing as well.

[laughs]

Dick:--because it turns out we're not the only expats who

have bought a French chateau.

Wow, absolutely love it.

Jonathan: 25-year-old Bordeaux.

Motherlode!

Dick: In this series, we'll reveal how we're running our

chateau as a business--

There's not a thing about making sausages that I don't find

humorous.

I'm still finding things that I haven't seen.

Dick:--and see how these daring Brits are running theirs--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This place is done up.

♪ ♪

Dick:--as they face the ups--

Really beautiful.

This is a rare moment, but I am genuinely at peace.

Dick:--and downs--

It's a lot worse than it looks.

Dick:--of their new lives in these crumbling and magnificent

buildings.

Billy: It is a bit fancy, living in a French chateau.

We might have a few problems on the way, but that's part of

life, isn't it [chuckles]?

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Dick: Today:

A trio of chateau rookies are trying to fix one of their

chimneys--

Gwendoline: I'm not sure the smoke is supposed to come out of

the sides of the chimney.

Dick:--without much success.

They've managed to get through to the chimney breast, but it's

the wrong one.

♪ ♪

Dick: The owners of this luxury chateau hotel need to win over

the locals.

Clive: Lots of anti-us in the press.

We had protesters, all sorts.

Dick: But their efforts to drum up much-needed new business

don't go to plan.

Only eight people here.

There's more suppliers and more staff than there are customers.

Dick: And at our fairy tale chateau, I get down and dirty

building an outdoor toilet.

I think I'm a bit too old for this.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: In Northwest France, some young 20-something chateau

owners are at the very start of their journey.

♪ ♪

Dick: This is Chateau de la Basmaignée.

Built in the 18th century, this beauty has 6 floors and 40

rooms, 22 of them bedrooms, set in more than 60 acres of park

and woodland.

♪ ♪

Dick: The lord and lady of this manor?

25-year-old Gwendoline from France and her 28-year-old

fiancé Billy originally from London.

♪ ♪

Billy: I moved over here about six years--my parents were

already living here, and I thought, "Well, I'll give it a

try," you know?

And I did a bit of work, and when we met, it all changed,

didn't it?

- Gwendoline: Yeah. - Billy: It is a bit fancy.

Living in a French chateau has always been a bit of a dream.

♪ ♪

Dick: That dream has brought them here to the Pays de la

Loire region.

And Billy's older brother--Michael--moved in too.

The three of them have big plans for the castle.

We want to have bedrooms in the chateau for B&B and have people

hosting weddings or seminars here.

♪ ♪

Dick: But that dream is a long way off because none of them

have done anything like this before.

And they've got a hell of a lot of work to do.

The place has no electrics, no hot water, leaking walls and

ceilings, and 90 rotten windows that need replacing.

We basically decided to--to do most of the work ourselves.

You know, we've got our own skills and stuff, so together,

I think we can make it work.

Dick: I've got to admire their confidence.

Until they're up and running, the young couple and Michael are

living in the only habitable building on the estate--the

guesthouse that used to be the servants' quarters.

Everyone keeps saying to us, "Oh, you're living the chateau

life" and all, but not really at the moment.

It's more like domestic of a chateau life, or like the--how

do you call them in Downton Abbey?

The servants or whatever.

That's what we are like.

♪ ♪

The reason why we're not living in the chateau at the moment is

because basically it's uninhabitable, because there's

no bedrooms ready, there's no electrics in some of the rooms,

there's no heating, there's no running water.

It's--well, the list is endless really, so we can't really move

in just yet.

♪ ♪

Dick: Well, they did only just get the keys to this place four

weeks ago.

Bought for a pretty hefty 1,000,050 euros, with money

inherited by Gwendoline.

♪ ♪

I lost my mom almost two years ago now, and she left me a bit

of inheritance.

I thought it would be nice for--make a good life for--for

us to prepare the future--

Billy: Mm hmm.

--because she left me something, so I think we should use it to

leave something to our children one day.

Mm hmm.

I know she would have liked this place.

♪ ♪

Dick: They've barely settled in, but they're not wasting time

when it comes to getting the business started.

In just three weeks' time, their first customers--a party of

14--are due to arrive for a weekend break at the guesthouse.

It is important to get ready because this is our first lot of

guests, and this is the first really income that we're gonna

have since we moved here.

And we do need to get money in order to live and keep restoring

the chateau.

I'm a bit stressed and anxious.

The boys have a lot to do.

They need to get on with it and work from dawn to the end of the

day every day.

Dick: One of the most immediate jobs for Billy and Michael is

getting the chateau a working kitchen.

We're on a bit of a tight schedule 'cause the kitchen

bloke is coming in a week.

Dick: Today, they're putting up the covings.

This smells like...a dirty old kipper.

[laughter]

There is a--there's a sort of sense of satisfaction, isn't

there, Michael, when you do the work yourself?

Yeah, after a while, you've got all of these skills that you

didn't have before.

♪ ♪

Gwendoline: The windows--oh, one window's done.

Michael: Yeah, one window's done.

Gwendoline: Yeah.

We still gotta do second coats on all of the work--woodwork.

Gwendoline: [How long is that gonna take?

Give us a bit of time.

♪ ♪

Dick: But for Gwendoline, there's something even more

important than sorting out the kitchen before they can move in.

I'm freezing.

It is freezing in here.

♪ ♪

Dick: Like a lot of these old chateaux, the main heating

system is run on heating oil.

For the past month, they've only had it on for a couple of hours

each day to help dry out some of the damp.

But that's cost £600 in oil.

What was the level when we had it filled up?

It was right at the top here. all right.

That was about 2,000 litres, and it's gone down, well--

- Gwendoline: More than half. - Billy: More than half--

- Gwendoline: In a month. - Billy: In a month.

So, we really gotta get it--you know, find another way of

heating the place 'cause--

How much is that in a month?

That's--that's quite a lot of money.

700 euros?

Gwendoline: Yeah.

Well, we can't keep going like that, Billy.

No.

Gwendoline: Yeah, he need to find another way to heat the

house.

♪ ♪

Dick: If they were to have it on full time, I reckon that the

monthly bill could easily double to well over £1,000.

Billy: at the moment, money's a bit tight because all the work

that's going on, so we need to do something else.

Dick: But there's something in the basement that could be the

answer to their problem.

So why can't we use that?

- It uses wood, right? - Billy: Yeah.

Dick: The question is:

Is there life in the old wood burner yet?

♪ ♪

We can't just spend 1,500 euros each month on the

heating.

It's like impossible.

We couldn't afford that.

We'd be out of here in three months.

[chuckles]

So yeah, we need that to work.

We really do.

♪ ♪

Dick: One thing we've learnt about running a chateau is it's

all about clever shortcuts and cost-saving plans.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: at our place in the Pays de la Loire, we host weddings in

our orangery.

But it's a 400-metre round trip to the nearest loo in the

chateau.

The challenge:

To save our guests a long walk for a wee.

I think I'm a bit too old for this.

[breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

Dick: a task that's made even trickier when there's no mains

water nearby.

There's going to be a compost loo and a urinal here.

I wanna go down probably...two feet.

I knew all that trench digging in my old army days would come

in handy.

But this isn't any old hole in the ground.

Human beings are retromingent, which means when we sit down,

we pee forward, so I have to get a splash plate to capture the

urine and take it off to the side because I do not want the

hole full of poo to be wet.

Yeah, and that's very important.

This stops the two things you definitely don't want in an

outdoor loo:

Odour and attracting flies.

[breathing heavily]

When I was training to go to Sandhurst, '78, I wanted to go

and join a gym and work out, do all sorts of gymmie stuff,

become musclebound, and my old man said to me, "No, Richard,

all you've gotta do is dig the garden."

So I dug the garden for a summer and got quite ripped, so never

mind fancy gyms.

Build a compost loo.

[breathing heavily]

♪ ♪

Dick: Muscles tested and trench dug.

Next, the hole needs to be lined and shored up at the sides.

What I wanna do is just stop anything getting into what is

going to be my compost pit, and that includes the rats, so I'm

going to be putting chicken wire in there to stop them from

getting through.

But I'm just shuttering the edges, basically, and putting

wood against it, so nothing falls in on it.

We may be talking peeing in the woods, but we still need some

privacy.

♪ ♪

Dick: This is like a mobile home.

Man: Yes.

Dick: I got the grunt; you got the finesse.

[laughs]

We're in.

♪ ♪

Look at that.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

The more ridiculous the better.

♪ ♪

Dick: Fit for a king or queen, or bride and groom.

and ready for its throne.

This loo seat is made for a conventional toilet, and if you

look at it from the side, see, there's gaps that we have to let

the air in.

We're gonna get rid of those.

We're gonna take these bits of plastic down off, screw this all

the way down, we're gonna seal around this with a little bit of

foam, and so when this shuts down, there are no air gaps.

and the reason we have this, we don't want flies coming in and

going in and out of this place.

This is to be a fly-free zone.

Right.

♪ ♪

Dick: So, that's the sit-down element of the loo.

Over to Angel, her dad, and the kids--

Man: Which one you like?

[Dorothy babbles]

Arthur: I like that one!

♪ ♪

Dick:--to buy a urinal at the reclamation yard.

Angel: Aha!

Mommy's found what Daddy's sent us to find.

Look, this is the one.

Dick sent me down today to--to look for a urinal [chuckles].

Oh, the glamour, I know.

But we saw this a year and a half ago.

I said we should have bought it then, but, you know, we didn't

really quite have a place for it, so I'm so glad it's here

today.

[speaking in French]

[both speaking in French]

Angel: I think that's 100 euros isn't it, so--

[woman speaking in French]

Angel: What's 80 euros?

Um...da, da, da.

- I wish I spoke French - I remember--[chuckles]--

- Woman: Hmm? - --last year, it was 80 euros.

No?

- 80 euros? - Oui?

Huh?

Woman: Correct, she wants 80 euros.

[both laugh]

Super.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: In the heart of the world- famous wine region of Burgundy,

25 miles west of Dijon, lies the 900-year-old Abbaye de la

Bussière--a home and place of worship for monks since the

Middle Ages.

But these days, it's a luxury hotel run by English couple

Clive and Tanith Cummings.

♪ ♪

And once we saw it, we're like, "Wow, what a place this could

make."

Dick: It's a thing of beauty.

20 luxury bedrooms, plus a Michelin-starred restaurant in

the abbey's former cloister.

Tanith Cummings: We have real ups and downs, but, you know,

we're still here.

♪ ♪

Dick: Even though a one-night stay in this place will set you

back around £200, and a meal for two, £170, Clive and Tanith

aren't pulling in enough pennies.

♪ ♪

We've had a couple of years we've made a little bit of

profit, but it's still very much a work in progress.

♪ ♪

Dick: This year, they're desperate to develop the

business and bring in more income.

And there's one market they haven't yet tapped into.

But there's a problem:

A lot of the local perception is that this is a Michelin-star

posh property.

And when we first came, the Abbey was open to the public,

and les Anglais arrived, and we shut the place down and they got

upset.

They thought we were creating a paradise for playboys.

And we said, "Look, we're just making it a nice hotel."

And we had a massive boycott.

Lots of anti-us in the press.

We had protesters, all sorts.

♪ ♪

Dick: So today, Clive's organized an open day designed

specifically to woo the locals.

♪ ♪

Dick: and make a bit of money with a 5-euro entrance fee.

We're hoping for 300, 400.

You just don't know.

It could be a complete and utter disaster and we only have 50 or

60 people.

If that's the case, we got a lot of wine and cheese to eat

[laughs]

♪ ♪

Dick: Clive's invited dozens of regional food and wine suppliers

who'll be setting up stalls on his lawn to showcase their

wares.

♪ ♪

Clive: Precariously balanced.

Dick: Everything's set up.

Everyone is ready.

But the success of Clive's event relies on two things he can't

really control:

A decent number of guests turning up and decent weather.

Every time I put these out, it rains.

So, we shall see what happens.

♪ ♪

[thunder rumbles]

♪ ♪

Dick: For us, running a chateau business is all about making

your guests comfortable.

Even if that means building a toilet from scratch using a

garden shed.

The ergonomics of pooping in the woods.

With 20 years in the military, you spend a lot of time finding

a comfy place to poop.

This is just so luxurious, it's not even worth thinking about

it.

♪ ♪

Dick: OK, it's just a regular shed, so the floor needs to be

adapted to fit over the poo pit.

And a frame built for the seat.

♪ ♪

- Dick: Gorgeous. - [Angel chuckles]

Angel: Oh, it's proper like enchanted forest pee, isn't it?

- Dick: It's a proper toilet. - Angel: I love it.

Right, this is the loo, in case you don't see.

Yeah, yeah.

Here, on this side, is going to be a urinal capability, OK?

Right, is that gonna have any sort of like privacy?

Yeah.

Picture your urinal there, picture the wall--

Angel: Yeah.

--it's gonna be tall enough so no man's head can be seen, yeah?

Angel: OK.

So here--so they come through here, pee here--

- Angel: Mm hmm. - Dick:--and the urine--

Angel: Mm hmm.

Dick:--wee, wee, comes around here.

Stuff from the compost loo go in there as well?

Dick: The pee from the compost loo goes here as well.

Right.

- This is the sit-down loo. - Angel: Yeah.

And kinda washing the hands; we're just gonna have to have

a--

Dick: All that, you know, sanitizer stuff you got.

Angel: Yeah, yeah, OK.

We'll just put a little shelf in there with the sanitizer and

things, yeah.

Angel: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: I'm gonna continue making my--

All right, baby.

She didn't ask for it to move.

That's a tick [laughs].

Actually not too bad.

♪ ♪

Dick: With forewoman Angel happy, time to finish this bad

boy.

That's good.

Urinal installation and a seat in the cubicle.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Yeah, it's nice.

Voilà, all ready for our wedding guests.

And better than any camping loo, if I do say so myself.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

♪ ♪

Dick: Just 30 miles away from our place...

Engaged couple Billy and Gwendoline, and Billy's brother

Michael, are just four weeks into the start of their chateau

journey, and are learning that there's a ton of work ahead of

them.

[horse neighs, snorts]

Dick: They're desperate to get a disused wood burner up and

running to save cash.

But they have no idea when it was last fired up.

There's a receipt here from 1988, and it was just--[reading

French]--which is just a service--a routine service.

A bit of very old kit if it was--if I found a receipt from

1988.

That was the year I was born, so very interesting.

[laughs]

Dick: It's still nearly 30 years younger than me, and I'm going

strong.

We don't know if it's going to run all right, or if it's even

gonna heat the house.

You sure it's not gonna make everything explode [chuckles]?

Dick: It's connected to one of the chateau's 11 chimneys.

Gwendoline: If we're gonna switch on this wood burner, we

need to make sure the chimneys are cleared.

If there's any blockage in there, or anything, it could be

a fire hazard.

♪ ♪

Dick: So Gwendoline's called in a couple of local chimney sweeps

who've agreed to do the job for just 60 euros.

♪ ♪

Dick: Starting from the roof, the men begin by checking for

blockages.

♪ ♪

Dick: and after an hour, they find an obstruction about

halfway down the 25-metre tall chimney.

♪ ♪

The chimney's so badly blocked that they--obviously from the

top to the bottom, they can't get the blockage out.

♪ ♪

Dick: There's no choice but to try and get to the blockage

through the wall.

[hammering]

Billy: Well, they're been trying to bash their way through this

chimney breast for about 15, 20 minutes, and they're--well, at

least you don't have a house this strong [laughs].

Dick: That's one way to look at it.

French chateaux tend to have very thick, solid walls.

These are about a foot deep.

The thing is that the chimney breasts is solid granite, so,

you know, it's not easy to knock through.

♪ ♪

Dick: after almost an hour, the men are finally through.

But there's no sign of a blockage.

Dick: Please don't tell me they've done what I think

they've done.

They've managed to get through to the chimney breast, but it's

the wrong one.

Dick: That's what you get for 60 euros.

There's two chimney breasts side by side, and the blockage is in

the other one.

So now what they gotta do is they gotta knock through to

the other chimney breast.

Dick: a quick recalculation, and it's time for take two.

♪ ♪

Dick: After another half-hour, and a lot of mess, the men are

through again.

♪ ♪

Yeah, they've got the right hole this time [laughs].

Dick: and the mystery of the blockage is revealed:

A 30-year buildup of all old pigeon nests.

With the chimney now cleared, they can start up the old wood

burner, but will the ancient piece of kit work, or will their

dreams of saving pennies go up in smoke?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Clive: Back in the Burgundy region of eastern France,

Clive and Tanith need to bring in more money to their luxury

chateau hotel.

Their plan:

To get more locals through the door.

So Clive's throwing an open day to try and tempt them.

He was worried the weather could make it a washout--

[thunder rumbles]

Dick:--but it's the turnout, or lack of, that's the problem.

2:20, and only eight people here.

So, let's see.

There's more suppliers and more staff than there are customers.

But the afternoon is young.

They're all probably having their lunch still.

This is France.

Lunch is very important.

Dick: Whilst Clive keeps his fingers crossed for some more

guests and no rain, inside, hotel life is carrying on as

normal.

Tonight, Tanith's got eight new renovations at the hotel,

all expecting that luxury experience.

Every little detail is quite important really, so you just

need to be aware of everything.

So, the cushions, from the window, from the way you've left

the remote control, to the pad and pen by the tables.

We get all our laundry from England.

We also use really good quality towels.

They've gotta be fluffy, you know?

They've gotta be big and fluffy towels.

This one's good to go, I think.

Just needs some water.

But everything else is--is ready.

♪ ♪

Dick: The flood of local visitors armed with wads of cash

hasn't arrived.

Clive: Bonjour.

20 people so far.

So, just another:

[woman laughs]

Dick: The other 450 or so guests must be just around the corner.

Clive: Empty road.

[chuckles]

I wanna see a whole line of cars snaking up with lots of people

in it, then I'll be happy.

Here we go, hopefully.

Oui?

Non.

- Bonjour. - Woman: Bonjour [laughs].

She didn't smile, did she?

Dick: But today's not just about selling the hotel to the locals.

The world-renowned British sculptor Paul Day lives just a

few miles away.

Look at this guy.

Dick: and Clive's invited him over to set up a store selling

signed copies of his new book.

- Clive: Bonjour, monsieur. - Morning, how are you?

- Bonjour. - Clive: I'm very well.

How are you?

♪ ♪

Dick: Clive and Tanith have several of Paul's sculptures in

the abbey grounds, including these three life-sized bronze

bulls.

They've been on loan here for a year, and tomorrow, Paul's

taking them back.

These are going to be moved to an exhibition I'm having in

Beaune, our local town.

I think they look perfect here, and I'm actually surprised that

Mr. Cummings hasn't made me an offer on them.

But I know how tight he is, you know?

[laughs]

Paul: So frankly, I've got--I don't hold down much hope there.

♪ ♪

Dick: It's now an hour into the event.

And to Clive's relief, there's finally a steady stream of

guests making their way into the grounds for the abbey's big day.

I'd say there's a couple of hundred people here now,

so I'm very pleased with that.

Let's hope we have another 200 or 300 coming through the door.

We'll see.

Another two coming in.

Yeah.

Lots of local faces which is really nice.

And they see the transformation of the building; they see the

investment that we've put in.

And as I say to them, "It's the paying customer, like them, are

the people that help me to continue with the renovation

work," and so they're very pleased that they see it being

spent on this and not on fast cars.

- [man speaking in French] - [thunder rumbles]

Dick: It looks like Clive's weather prediction has come

true.

Clive: I said my red cushions were an invitation for it to

rain, and it took three hours.

Fantastic.

[thunder rumbles]

Il pleut comme vache qui pisse.

In French, that means it's raining like cow's wee.

Dick: But luckily, Mother Nature has intervened at the perfect

moment.

[thunder rumbles]

Just as we want people to go home--

- It hails, perfect. - --it's hailing.

[Tanith laughs]

And so now we've had a perfect day.

♪ ♪

Dick: The weather held out long enough for everyone to enjoy the

chateau and make some money in the process.

Clive: I think the receipt on the gate is 450 people, and our

winemakers have sold their wine, our cheese ladies soled her

cheese, the flower ladies sold some flowers.

Everyone's happy, so very happy.

- Yeah, good day, good day. - Very pleased.

Dick: Now they just have to wait and see if their efforts will

bring in more locals and more euros.

♪ ♪

Dick: Some 240 miles west in the heart of the Loire Valley sits

Chateau de Bois Giraud.

Built in 1850 by an Englishman.

♪ ♪

Dick: Now it's a grand self-catering rental, with 9

bedrooms and 11 bathrooms.

♪ ♪

Dick: 20 acres of parkland and a pool.

And it's still got English owners, three sisters:

Katherine, Marion, and Tanya.

The business is run from the comfort of the U.K.--

♪ ♪

Dick:--by community worker Tanya who lives near Oxford.

Tanya: Morning, I'll set the kettle on.

Who do you fancy?

Mr. Happy today?

[laughs]

♪ ♪

Dick: and younger sister, teaching assistant Marion,

who lives with her family near Reading.

It's your turn for brushing your teeth.

Man: I'll tell you what we do with pancakes.

♪ ♪

Man: Yeah, I'm off.

All right, see ya later, have a good day.

Dick: The sister's mom Cleone lives a few miles up the road

from Tanya.

And I've lost the bucket already.

Dick: The chateau used to belong to her ex-husband--the girls'

dad.

He didn't want the responsibility anymore,

so he gave it to his daughters.

So they were left with a chateau, which is a bit of a

double-edged sword because there are maintenance costs.

They don't live there all the time, and they didn't speak

French.

And they've worked very hard to get it off the ground,

and they're making a success of it.

I'm actually very proud of them.

Although, I don't usually let them know that.

♪ ♪

Tanya: I've got to meet up with Marion at some point this week,

get through chateau stuff.

See where we are.

Dick: As the saying goes:

With a great chateau comes great responsibility.

And the sisters find it hard work maintaining and managing

this magnificent 19th century castle.

♪ ♪

Tanya: This is very stressful, trying to manage my job and the

chateau and just general family life, parents--you know,

everything that that brings.

Trying to actually squeeze them into--into life in general is

quite hard.

Marion: We probably get about ten rentals a year.

Three from May, June, July, August, maybe September.

Yeah, those are our main months, yeah.

Yeah.

I wouldn't say it's profitable, but it covers its costs,

which is what we need it to do.

Dick: But running a French business from the U.K.

has its frustrations.

Everything in France is quite different to the English way of

doing things.

What might be logical and feel quite sensible in the U.K.

is very different in France.

I'm not used to dealing with French authorities; I'm not used

to the way that French banks operate.

We're through.

Oh, offices are now closed.

Monday to Friday, 9:00 to half past 12:00.

No!

♪ ♪

Dick: Ahh, the joys of French life.

We know it well.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: Once a year, the sisters, their families, and

mom--Cleone--take a trip to open up the chateau for the new

holiday season, after being shut up for the long winter months.

Marion: Maybe a lot of people think of having a chateau as a

dream, a place they can go on holiday and relax and drink a

glass of wine, watch the sun go down.

There's always issues, and there's always a problem.

♪ ♪

Have you got the passports?

There's always something that needs to be doing.

♪ ♪

Dick: It's a 12-hour trip to the Loire Valley, and they have no

idea what will be lying in store for them when they arrive.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Dick: Back at Tanith and Clive's chateau hotel in Burgundy,

it's the morning after Clive's successful open day.

And even though it's only 7:30 a.m., he's already focused on

his next project.

Well, we got a delivery from Greece with a statue from Paul

Day, and we've taken away the three bull statues, and we've

got a truck arriving to pick them up.

and we've managed to get it all in the same time.

The two trucks, hopefully, arriving 8:00 this morning, and

our local farmer--Alexander--with his man

or two to lift them up because they're heavy.

Very heavy.

Dick: He's not wrong.

They weigh in at nearly three quarters of a tonne each.

But it's not the sculptures that Clive's worried about.

These truck drivers don't respect grass or lawns, and they

drive over anything, and I don't want any damage today.

Dick: By ten past eight, there's no sign of truck, fork lift, or

even his friend Paul.

Clive: So I'm the first one.

Waiting for two trucks and an artist.

Oh, well.

[birds chirping]

♪ ♪

Dick: 20 minutes later:

It's a truck arriving.

It's--it's a flatbed, low loader, so this is for the

bulls.

Dick: The bulls are being taken 30 miles away to be exhibited in

the town of Beaune.

Dick: Clive's friend Paul--the sculpture--is the next to

arrive.

Watch the grass.

[laughs] I'm only kidding.

How you doing?

You all right?

♪ ♪

Dick: With a combined value of nearly a million pounds,

it's going to be a delicate operation.

- Clive: Bonjour, Ça va? - Man: Yeah.

♪ ♪

Dick: Forklift driver Alexander seems confident enough.

♪ ♪

Dick: Clive's not gonna be too pleased with that.

Alexander: Thank you.

Dick: and artist Paul isn't happy either, stepping in to

suggest a more delicate approach.

We're just putting two straps around the rear front and rear

end of the sculpture, so that we can then run a strap through the

middle, probably, and hook it up on to the forks, and then we'll

just pick it up and drop it on to the back of the lorry.

Dick: The straps have worked a treat, and after just 15

minutes, the biggest of the three bulls is safely loaded

onto the truck.

But not everything has survived intact.

Clive: This was expected.

We gotta do it another two times, you see, so--for mommy

and baby--so once he's done it, I'll come out.

But when we installed it, it look about two weeks for the

tracks to go, so it's--it's what happens.

Dick: Before herding the other two beasts, it's time for a

coffee break.

Half American, anglais.

[laughs]

We have a mug, but over here, they drink it espresso, don't

they?

So, they like a little coffee.

Dick: But there's still no sign of Paul's new sculpture that's

arriving to replace the bulls.

I'll find the transporters.

Dick: It's being transported via international haulage from

Greece, where it was last exhibited.

It was due to arrive more than an hour ago.

[Alexander speaking in French]

He doesn't speak French or English, so that's why he's

struggling to find his way.

♪ ♪

Dick: It's no surprise Paul's getting nervous.

That's nearly half a million pounds' worth of sculpture

that's currently lost in Europe.

- Hello, Paul Day. - Woman [on phone]: Hello.

We still have no lorry.

♪ ♪

Woman [on phone]: Hold on a minute, please.

♪ ♪

Dick: Back in the Pays de la Loire, it's crunch time for

Gwendoline and fiancé Billy.

With 30 years of birds nests removed from the chimney,

they're about to see if their old wood burner is in working

order.

So we gotta go and find some dry wood in the forest that's

already been cut up.

♪ ♪

Dick: In charge of wood collection is Billy's brother

Michael.

♪ ♪

Dick: and when your back garden's about the same size as

50 football pitches, you don't want to be travelling on foot if

you need to get anything done.

It's really good to have this buggy actually because, you

know, if you need to go and get something quickly, you can just

hop on it and go for a drive.

There's about 60 acres of land here.

Half of that's forest which is great because, you know, we need

logs to keep the log burner going.

Once we've got enough logs to keep the thing going,

we'll be able to heat the chateau for free basically.

The old caretaker who used to here for the previous owners,

he did a lot of work clearing the forest.

I'm just gonna go and have a look, see if there's any--any

dry ones.

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

They're huge logs.

That one looks good.

[grunts]

Dick: When it comes to using wood for fuel, you can't just

chop down a tree and burn it straightaway.

Sawn timber like this needs to sit for about two years to dry

out before it's seasoned and can burn efficiently.

Luckily for them, this stuff looks the business.

That one seems dry.

[birds chirping]

Michael: Oh.

[laughs]

I forgot to strap them on.

[grunts]

Oh, god.

I need to wake up, I think.

♪ ♪

Dick: While Michael struggles with the logs, Billy's getting

himself a practical crash course in the chateau's heating system.

Well the--the hot water comes out of the top of it, because

obviously, the heat rises, so the cold water is fed into the

bottom of it, and there's two valves, and they're both turned

off.

Dick: Yeah, you've gotta turn both those on, otherwise there's

nothing getting in or out.

♪ ♪

- Michael, are you there? - [walkie-talkie beeps]

- Hi, you all right? - [walkie-talkie beeps]

Yeah, we're ready to put some wood in it.

I've just given it a bit of a once-over, and it's quite clean

inside.

I've turned the valves on in the back, so we're ready to go.

- [walkie-talkie beeps] - Yeah, right.

I'll bring them all back now then.

- [walkie-talkie beeps] - All right then, cheers.

[walkie-talkie beeps]

♪ ♪

Gwendoline: I'm quite excited to try the wood burner because if

it works, it really means that we can make--we can save money

and that this is money that we can put towards the renovation.

♪ ♪

Dick: It could be a massive potential saving of up to £1,000

a month, compared to using an oil-fired heater.

Key to a good fire is a nice bit of dry wood.

♪ ♪

Billy: It's the most economical way to--to keep the place

heated.

Dick: The moment of truth has finally arrived.

Billy: Do you want to light it?

Yeah, let's have a go.

♪ ♪

Do you want me to turn this on?

Yeah, just turn it on to get a draft through quickly.

That's it.

It's drawing.

It's not smoking at all, is it?

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

Gwendoline: It's a good sign 'cause there is smoke, but I'm

not sure the smoke is supposed to come out of the sides of the

chimney.

Isn't it supposed to come out of the top?

I'm not sure about that.

- Look. - Billy: Hmm.

Michael: It's not supposed to be coming out the sides, is it?

Well, that's what I was thinking.

[everyone laughs]

Billy: I wonder why it's doing that.

Dick: So the old wood burner's fine.

It's the even older chimney that's not.

♪ ♪

Dick: If they're lucky, it'll just be a few holes that need

plugging, with a few quid spent on some cement.

If they're not, it could mean lining the chimney, and that's

going to cost a whole lot more.

We have a loan to pay back [laughs].

Yeah, yeah.

And we need to make money out of this place.

Michael: It's really slow progress.

Gwendoline: We just need to keep pushing.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: Back in Burgundy, at the Cumming's former

abbey-come-luxury hotel, there's also a worry for Clive and

artist Paul.

The half-million-pound sculpture they've been waiting for--

- Woman [on phone]: Hello? - Hello.

Dick:--is now more than two hours late.

Are you sure?

Just arrived?

Woman [on phone]: Just arrived, OK.

I don't know.

I'll go and have a look.

OK, thank you.

We'll go and have a look.

Woman [on phone]: OK thank you, bye.

Bye.

Dick: The driver's driven 2,000 miles through eight countries

all the way from Athens.

[Paul speaking in French]

Hi, hi.

- OK? - Man: OK.

OK.

Yeah [laughing].

Dick: So I think he can be forgiven for being a little

late.

Clive: That's the plaster in three pieces.

That's the plaster.

Yeah, and this one's--yeah--

Clive: and there's the bronze.

OK, that's useful.

Oh, that's a lot easier to--

- Yeah, just a forklift. - Clive: Yeah.

So far so good.

One set of statues out, and a new set of statues in.

So it's all a bit of fun.

Right.

Here we go.

Formula 1.

Formula golf buggy.

And we're taking over.

No we're not; we're gonna die.

- I've run out of juice. - [Paul speaking in French]

- Look. - [Paul speaking in French]

Clive: I think you're gonna have to jump--jump off, Paul, yeah.

[laughs]

Push!

Come on, Paul, get behind it!

♪ ♪

[Clive laughs]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: Paul's most well-known sculpture is a bronze that

stands nine metres tall at the Eurostar terminal in London,

titled "The Meeting Place."

The one he's putting on display at the abbey today is a smaller

version of that piece.

♪ ♪

Paul: I have twice tried to stop sculptures with my toe,

and broken the toe both times.

Clive: Oh.

♪ ♪

I can take me hat off and--stunning.

absolutely stunning.

- Very happy. - Clive: Good location for it.

Oh, clever man you are, eh?

- [both chuckle] - Excellent.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: 240 miles west in the Loire Valley, Marion and her

family are arriving at their chateau after 12 hours

travelling by car and ferry.

Boy: There's a tree in the way, Dad!

It's a big whopper.

Marion: Oh dear.

Dick: They're here to get the place shipshape for the holiday

season, starting in three days' time.

Marion: Oh god.

Dick: They were last here six months ago when they closed the

chateau down at the end of last season.

They're hoping that there won't be too much winter damage to

deal with.

Boy: Here we are, hello.

Marion: all right.

Let's get Pepper out.

[boys shouting]

Marion: OK, do you want me to just like open up then?

I'm hoping it's in quite a good state.

John: It's not too bad actually.

Usually it's quite musty.

[boys chatting]

I quite fancy a drink.

♪ ♪

Dick: It's not time to crack open that bottle just yet.

Let the inspection begin.

♪ ♪

If you start looking around, you'll never stop.

There's heaps of work.

Yeah, you could be here the whole time.

OK, let's have a look at this.

Dick: as husband John and the boys clear the driveway of trees

and branches that have come down over the winter,

Marion's dealing with some very unwelcome guests:

an invasion of flies.

Marion: We've got a constant problem with flies, so I need to

make sure that the fly treatment people come out.

♪ ♪

Marion: So we get this treatment done twice a year, and it kills

all the flies.

Dick: These flies are known as cluster flies, and we know them

well.

All big rural buildings are plagued with them.

One way to get rid of them:

a good dose of insecticidal spray.

♪ ♪

[smoke alarm beeping]

- Marion: The smoke alarm? - Man: [inaudible]

Dick: Yeah, insecticidal spray can set off your smoke alarms.

Still, good to see they work.

Marion: So it was set off, which is great.

That's the first time I've known it work, so that was good.

and--[chuckles]--I know!

At least we know it works.

That's brilliant.

♪ ♪

[John grunting]

[bleep]

Dick: It's going to be nonstop work over the next few days to

get the chateau ready for the new season.

The filthy pool needs cleaning, and there are yet more flies.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dick: Next time:

Sister Tanya and the rest of the family arrive to help set up,

but tensions are running high.

- John-- - You're not listening.

--you--no, I'm not listening.

John: The whole pool is leaking.

- The pool-- - Marion: It's not leaking.

John: It is leaking!

Marion: It's there so if water--

♪ ♪

Dick: Billy reaches new heights as he attempts to fix the holes

in his chimney.

I'm absolutely terrified.

Dick: and Tanith and Clive are feeling low when it comes to a

blockage in their medieval drain.

Clive: Come down and have a look.

No thanks [laughing].

Woo!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪