Original subtitles

♪

♪

[entry bells chime]

Mmm...

So, what do you think of our new neighborhood?

-Downtown River Creek. Ah. -[sirens wailing in distance]

Got to say, sucks on a big one, Dad.

This side of town is poor.

My mood is poor because we're poor.

Come on!

Any moment now, I'm gonna come up with a kick-ass idea

that will make us moderately rich again.

So, in the meantime, let's just roll with it.

Yeah, you just got to know where to step.

Like... not there.

-Coffee shop. -Bar.

-Nail shop. -Coffee shop.

-Bar. -Nail shop.

Thrift shop. Huh?

Oh, zippers on sweatpants.

Huh.

FREDDIE: Kids, come into the kitchen!

[sizzling]

Cool! Fried catfish.

So, what's coming up this weekend?

Chinese New Year.

Like, really new.

Like, an all-new animal,

not just new to the calendar but new to the world.

No, it's your mom's birthday.

Come on, you guys need to have your own ideas for presents.

So what are they?

Eh, physical gifts are stupid.

It's not like she has a thing she collects,

like you have neti pots.

Okay, listen, I actually hate neti pots, okay?

People get me one for every special day.

Look, Father's Day, Father's Day.

27th through 33rd birthdays. Oh,

here's Christmas, Christmas, etcetera, etcetera.

Look, I don't want your mom to feel how these make me feel.

Okay? So put on your thinking caps.

So, what are you gonna get her?

Oh, well, I'm glad you asked.

See, I'm-I'm very attuned to people.

I notice things. I sense what people really want.

Not to be a dick or anything, but I got to say,

you're not a good a dad as you think.

What? That's absurd. Right, Ollie?

I don't know, man.

You care so much what people think of you

that you ruin what they think with your caring.

[chuckles]: Oh, my God.

You guys are so wrong.

I am the best gift giver. Hello.

And I'll prove it.

I'm getting her...

those sweatpants.

Which sweaty pants?

People look bad in sweatpants, okay?

It means they gave up on life.

Oh, no.

A woman looks best when relaxed.

So I'll get her the sweatpants and you two will come up

with separate, nice presents.

And save half the catfish for your mom's lunch. Thank you.

[applause on TV]

Hey, Deb, you finish that floor model yet?

[grunts] Working on it, Daddie.

Just a few more tweaks,

and this floor model assembly robot will do it for us.

I didn't ask for a robot to assemble it, hon.

I asked you to.

Dad!

You are wasting my engineering genius here.

[groaning]: I could be coming up with kick-ass ideas

to change the world and make us all moderately rich and shit!

Oh, hell.

Here comes the only thing me and Freddie can agree on--

your bad news best friend, Tonya.

Cool.

Wow.

The place hasn't changed since we were kids.

Debbie, how about a lunch place with drinks?

Say, a bar?

Uh, yes drinks, no to the bar.

Let's keep it more casual. Keep it tenna.

What's tenna?

Like the shoe.

Nobody says "tennis shoes."

She's been trying to get "tenna" going for a while.

Whatever. Deb, I heard of a place right here, downtown,

with double, uh, deep-fried, uh, taco, uh, hot dogs.

Debbie is in!

Debbie is not in!

Aw.

All this dumb trucks are blocking my parking

and stealing my business.

Do something, horse cop.

Ma'am, I'm on my lunch break.

So if you can hold that complaint for ten minutes,

I can eat my food.

TONYA: Ugh.

Sorry about this, babe.

Let's just... [groans] let's just do this.

TONYA: Tick, tock.

-DEBBIE: [groans] Come on! -TONYA: Tick, tock. Tick...

This here is the pickup line, gals.

Oh, shit. Okay, this one, this one.

[Debbie groans]

-Move, move, move, move, move. -[groans]

Finally. All right, all right, all right. Here we go.

Um, I'll have the...

FYI, we're out of our signature dish

that we should know everyone wants:

the double deep-fried taco hot dogs.

-We're out of that. Go! -Okay, uh...

Just put ten dollars of bacon on a bun, okay?

And then throw in some cheese in a burger patty.

And four beers.

No alcohol in food truck land. Go!

-Oh! Oh. -Oh, gosh. Oh, God. Oh, god.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -[Tonya groans]

The irritation and, like, impossibility are

what makes it so fun.

[chuckles] So street.

Ugh.

Street food culture is a great way

to get back in touch with our places.

I really like seeing people learning to eat again,

city style.

A carne asada taco is a great way to connect with...

Shut the fuck up.

What the F is wrong with you?

Why can't you just relax and enjoy this super cool,

fun experience, this perk of living on the north side?

Just be cool.

Don't activate me, Jame.

I'm covered in food in the hot sun--

no awnings in sight--

sitting in a parking lot with a bush in my back

and a homeless man stealing my napkin

so he can wipe his ass.

No, it's fine. Go ahead.

And you want to know the worst part?

-No drinks. -No drinks!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tonya, I see...

a demand that ain't being supplied.

[chuckles]

[entry bells chime]

Uh, yeah, excuse me.

Yesterday, there were some sweatpants in the window.

Uh, tenna pants. You know, casual attire.

Another woman just purchased them, right there.

♪

Oh, come on, honey. I'm-I'm late for work.

[entry bells chime]

-E-Excuse me, lady. -Yes?

Look, I-I must get those pants off you.

No! I-I'm sorry. Uh, from you. [chuckles]

Oh, these tenna pants?

Exactly. Yes.

I'll give you more money than you paid for them.

No, I'm sorry.

I feel I look my best when I'm relaxed,

and these will relax me.

Wait, wait, wait. I'll trade services for them.

Uh, l-let me service you.

I'll-I'll wash your dog or your kids or your car

or-or you. Wh-Whatever. I just-I just need those pants.

Dude, this is not tenna.

Okay, nicely played, sweatpants lady.

Seems like I may need to pay a little visit

to the Bespectacled Dentist.

I can't believe we got to find mom a gift.

We areher gift, right?

Look at us.

Besides, I'm not seeing anything good

in any of Aunt Maggie's cursed stuff.

This charming stuff ain't cursed.

"Cursed Dybbuk Box."

Hmm. See?

Cute box.

Look, a string of baby teeth.

But she didn't have any kids.

That's sexist of you, Todd.

A woman doesn't need to have the babies

to wear baby teeth around her neck.

Man, I don't know what to do.

What are you gonna get Mom?

When I know, I'll know, you know?

I'm eating Mom's catfish.

Tonya!

We can make so much money off this thing.

We will get moderately rich.

And it was a steal.

Well, I dated the previous owner, the ice cream man.

He owed me.

He told me he had a Popsicle,

but it was more like a Dippin' Dot.

Mmm! [slurping] Mmm!

[humming a tune]

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm.

[grunting]

Whew!

Ah. Oh!

[grunts] Brain freeze!

Oh, I drank it all so fast,

like Sonic the Huge Hog.

I could drink a gallon of that.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

FREDDIE: No, no, no, no, look,

I've checked eBay.

You guys are the manufacturer of the sweatpants,

so just tell me what to do next, please.

Look, man.

We had to discontinue our entire line of clothing

due to a huge fire at our garment factory

in Bangladesh.

Lots of people died.

Oh, this is a terrible tragedy.

A-And, you know, I'm sorry to hear about whatever it was

that happened to you guys, too.

Oof! Oh, where's this perfect gift, my man?

Oh, it's coming, buddy. Uh, yeah.

They've just become, you know,

like, an even cooler challenge for me, so...

Let's make this interesting.

If you don't get those sweatpants

then we don't have to come up with a gift idea for Mom

and we all get her gift cards to Sonic with your cash.

Oh, I'll take that deal.

Now, which outfit says "dental patient"?

Okay, Mister...

Jeremy Spoken.

Uh, let's see, wh-what's your problem?

Eh, just a cleaning and checkup.

Hey, look, we both like wacky, colorful frames.

-[chuckles] -Yes, yes. Yes.

O-O-Open wide, please.

But you're very professional-looking, otherwise.

[slurps saliva]

Not like you're wearing sweatpants or anything.

Do you like sweatpants on people?

Oh, I-I don't know.

Spit, please.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Women look like dog shit in sweatpants.

Don't you think sweatpants are an undesirable thing

for women to wear? I mean... [chuckles]

It does kind of rub me the wrong way, now that you mention it.

Right!

Yeah, guys like us in cool glasses like ours--

we'd never want to have sex with a sweatpants lady.

I'd be in flaccid city, wouldn't you?

Flaccid city. Oh, yes.

I have spent some nights there, let me tell you.

Sadly, I have.

Man, if my wife got sweatpants...

[scoffs] I'd throw them in the trash. Like, tonight.

Which is your trash night, y-yeah?

♪

DEBBIE: Come get your day-drunk on!

Margaritas, piña coladas, frozens and straights.

Let's go!

Hey, that truck ain't street legal.

You need a license to sell food or drink,

and you can't sell alcohol.

So, what-- you don't want one?

No, no, I...

-I want one. -And give me a double.

Here you go. Yep.

Yep. Mm-hmm. Good. Yes.

Yes, yes. Next. Next.

Next.

[horse whinnies]

Ooh-ooh, uh-oh, time-out. [chuckles]

Y'all got a license to sling drink?

Oh, shit. The fuzz!

Whoa!

ooh, hot damn, horsey.

We got ourselves a challenge in town.

Giddyup.

[grunting]

Hyah!

[exhales]

Look at all this cash!

Here's how you back onto the south side.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but we just outran the cops.

Maybe I went too far with this one.

Oh, bullshit.

That was exactly what I Wanted to happen.

It was fun.

Remember having fun?

Since you moved out here to the north side,

you're so serious.

You're all like, "I lost my great job.

"My great house. My family is sad.

Boo-hoo!" Fuck that.

You are only once.

Only once what?

You.

[trash rattling]

Where are those sweatpants, damn it?

Did he not follow my subtle manipulations?

-What happened? -[crying]

No, you listen to me!

I want a divorce!

Well, if that's how you feel about it...

Oh, you better not get nacho cheese on those pants

before Debbie has the chance to.

Shit!

Hey.

Oh, ho, ho.

Hey, let's go to "lunch" again, huh?

I don't know, man.

I mean, we drew some serious heat on that last run.

Yes, but this time they won't be chasing us.

[chuckles]

[whistles]

Nice.

But I can't be Zorro. I'm white.

Bitch, this one's mine.

I got one for you, too, so we can both be vigilantes.

♪

Marg time!

It's marg time! [chuckles]

-[slurping] -Hey.

You drive next so I can drink, okay?

♪

Shit, Gwen. [grunts] She's in AA,

so she's got a short fuse. Watch it.

Listen. I'm on your side.

I hate the stupid-ass food trucks.

Your marg truck has got the cops on their toes about permits,

and now the trucks are all gone from my business.

So keep on keeping on.

♪

[printer whirring]

Come on, do you think people are stupid?

Just the people who I need to be.

[muttering]

Dang.

I think you started this adventure

to make money for your family or something, right?

Yes. Yes...

I think so. Yes, that's foggy, but true.

Well, um...

we've been using top-shelf shit,

and between our drinks and cost,

we have lost more money than we've made.

Seems bad.

No biggie, big piggie.

I got plans.

Why do you have a Freud costume?

Ah, it was a phase your mother and I had for a bit there.

Thanks for that traumatic visual,

but this isn't gonna work,

so we should probably go ahead and get those Sonic gift cards.

-[rings] -Oh, really, Todd?

Hello, Dr. Brainald Mentalson, MD, BBV, BVDs.

Hi, I'd like to schedule for next week

for the in-house consultation.

A week? Huh.

Well, let me see.

Well, my prognostication is

we should probably schedule a session in five minutes?

You're probably right.

Yes, yes, let's do it. Thank you.

Oh, you kids better have some sweet gifts lined up,

'cause I'm about to dunk on you with my perfect gift.

[laughs]

Cheap Canadian tequila?

-Huh. -Mm... [grunts]

You sure?

Cocksure.

♪

Man, this sucks sober.

Why are there drunk driving laws anyway?

-Whoa! -[tires screech]

Yeah, I'll have a double swirl

with a rider of cherry liqueur.

Again. Please.

Five dollars.

Here you go.

And drunk driving laws are good.

People drive shittier when they are drunk.

I don't know.

Seems to paint everyone with the same brush.

-Hold on, hold on, hold on! -[tires screech]

Juniper! What do you want?

Cruelty-free margarita. Extra lime.

Four...

[grunts] dollars.

Here you go.

-[engine starts] -Oh, my guts.

♪

Oh, yes.

-[stomach rumbling] -Oh, oh, oh, no!

Oh, oh, oh!

[muffled grunting]

[grunts]

[groaning]

Ah, that burns! Ugh.

FREDDIE: Okay, the first thing we got to do here is

get rid of any relics of depression, right.

The ice cream, the nachos, the photos of the husband,

and especially those sweatpants.

I can't let go of the past.

The thought of a new life is too frightening.

We've been married for so long.

Well, you know, people are very unpredictable.

So I say be ready to get rid of anything--

husbands, ice cream, clothes, sweatpants.

That makes sense.

-Shed that past! -Yes!

Yes, be just you. Shed the husband.

-Yes! -Shed the sweatpants.

-Yes! -Yes! They are mine!

Yeah... What are you doing?

Ah, I'm just so proud of you.

Hurrah!

Wait. I know you.

You're the guy from the store.

Give me my pants.

[both grunting]

Okay, I made a huge mistake.

I apologize. Please let me...

-Hey, wait a minute. -No, no, no, look.

Let's just keep this all tenna.

Susan!

Why do you have your P-A-N-T-S off with this guy?

Are you back on the market that fast?

He's the guy who tried to get

my tenna pants the first day. He...

Okay, look, real truth now.

I'm Hitch, the romance doctor,

a-and I'm here to fix your relationship.

Guess what, guys?

All this was planned.

Listen, here's a hundred dollars.

Aw, Mom and Dad got the best room.

I bet Dad has some gifts he's saving to give Mom

for, like, the next 45 years.

We can just snake one and write our names on it.

Dad said we should be more attuned to who she is.

Maybe we can absorb some info about her from her things,

from her clothes.

Hey, what's that?

Baby books?

I didn't know Mom was doing this.

♪

Look! All our old art is in here, too,

in this big tub.

She, like, likes us.

[laughs]

"My whore family."

[chuckles]

See? You used to be more fun.

Man... [sniffles]

I got to think of something fast.

Yeah, I'll wing it in the moment.

Please don't drop the ball here, Ollie.

Dad was right.

She really is a sweet woman.

Watch me chug this shit, bitch!

Ooh, y'all. Uh-uh.

This is Baldwin.

-Gonna need backup. Hot damn! -[siren wailing]

[laughing]

You better hold on to something.

-[tires squeal] -[Debbie shouts]

[horns honking]

DEBBIE: Oh, oh, oh, man!

Oh, that cheap tequila.

I got to shit! Tonya, fast!

I can't stop or we'll get arrested.

Let's do a Thelma & Louise.

Huh? I hate this world.

Let's do it, baby.

-Let's go. -Yes! No!

Wait, no. What? What am I saying?

No, Tonya, I got kids.

And I love my husband and his dick.

Oh, his dick! He loves me so good.

Oh, I can't. No. Nope. Can't.

Whoa!

♪

Aah...!

[grunting]

[tires screeching]

Whew. Ah.

Ha. Whew.

Shit, I'd do it again.

Oh. All right.

I feel pretty great. Besides needing

-to shit my whole body out. -[stomach rumbling]

Wait...

Where's the money?

The money's in the truck.

[groaning]

I can't believe you're gonna let your mom down here, Ollie.

-The night's still young. -[door opens, closes]

-[groaning] -HARPERS: Happy birthday!

What? It's my what?

Oh, shit. Happy birthday.

[chuckles]

You're getting older.

You're drying up, baby.

You're gonna have a sloughed-off snakeskin

for a cooch pretty soon.

[laughs]

Presents. Now.

Hon, that's-that's great. It's all great.

-I just... I got to... -Here you go, Mom.

-I love you. -Aw!

[straining]: Very sweet, babe.

Okay, okay, okay, I got to look at it

-a little later after I... -Now mine!

[grunting]

The sweatpants you wanted!

Ta-da!

I... wanted these?

Yes! Yes, you damn well did.

Come on. Don't you remember?

L-Let... Come on, let's try them on right away.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

[groaning, hissing]

Babe, babe, I will.

But seriously, look at me. Look at me.

-[rumbling] -I need to... [groans]

[grunting]

[hissing, groaning]

[stomach gurgles]

-Oh! -Oh.

My pants.

Here comes exactly what you need:

diarrhea meds crushed into a Pepto cocktail

with a side baggy of all your catfish that I hid from Todd

but forgot about until just right now.

Ollie! Baby!

You always know exactly what to get me.

Aw. This is the perfect gift.

Dear, oh, dear.

What am I gonna do with you, Biggun?

Aw, let's get you upstairs in your shower.

I think there's still half an iced coffee in there for you.

It's the thought that counts, babe.

Love you.

Just goes to show you, boys.

Takes a woman to understand a woman.

Chirp.

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