Original subtitles

♪

♪

[lawnmower rumbling]

♪

[burps]

Ah.

-[grunts] -[metal grinding]

[bell rings]

'Sup?

[tires squeal]

[laughs]

Okay.

That real woman.

[Freddie humming]

[whistling]

You know, babe, this new life has you home a lot more.

Ah.

Just a few little engineer tweaks,

and we're going to get a ton more suck

out of this vacuum cleaner.

So, yeah. It looks like I'm done with the kids' chores,

and you are tipsy enough to, maybe, give me a little foreplay

-before... -You licky boom-boom now.

Ooh, is your "frippin' nippins" wet yet?

What? It's only 3:05.

Shortcut across the creek.

Smells like pheromones in here.

New Glade PlugIn?

TODD: Ah. What should we watch?

Seal Team Ninja Rock Band Six?

I want to watch Hot God.

No, Hot Godis an Amazon show.

We're no longer a Prime family.

[gasps] Ticks!

-Clothes off! Burn a stick! -Ah...

Ow. Don't hurt them.

Okay, okay, calm down.

Everybody gets ticks.

You know, we never got ticks on our old, rich side of town.

Just saying.

Does this mean we can skip classes?

Babe, we got to pull the kids out of school.

They'll get PTSD on ticks.

No, Freddie. The kids will push past this.

They'll be fine. They'll go to school. They'll tough it out.

But Lyme disease runs in my family.

[panting]

[door closes]

Okay, kids, where'd you get these ticks?

Well, we were playing in the overgrown schoolyard.

Yeah, this poor-ass school can't afford a groundskeeper.

Okay, I guess I'll just fix this school's tick problem myself.

[Freddie panting]

Babe, come on, you got to work for the school to, uh...

I-I don't know, work onthe school, right?

[chuckles] Is that a challenge?

Look, I'm just saying, it's the kids' first week

in this new school. You know?

We're just getting settled into this new life

on the north side, and...

-Challenge accepted. -[squishes]

[school bell rings]

[pings, beeps]

[sighs]

So, guys, I've decided to keep all the ticks

Mom plucked off me.

I got them in this tick farm.

That's hamburger for them to eat.

Hey, Shauna, how come you're not all bit up by ticks?

Don't play in the tall grass.

That's obvious.

Play on the asphalt.

But shoes melt there.

Not if you're playing right.

By the way, who are you, hot shoes?

That's Joshathon.

He's the free-range kid.

My parents let me cut my own hair,

and trim my own nails.

I've never been to a vaccine.

Yeah, it shows. Ollie...

This sad, little freak

makes even you look like Stephen Hawking.

JIMJOE: [scoffs] Says Junior Professor Snape.

You're probably picking up on my intellect.

Barf.

Yeah, I could easily skip, like, four grades.

But I don't want to leave my twin sister behind.

And I don't want to be in high school PE showers,

without my full bush.

So, everyone,

this weekend is the annual Leaf-A-Thon. [chuckling]

The student with the most types of leaves will win free

all-you-can-eat ice cream--

can you believe-- for the whole family at the Ice Cream Morgue.

Ah, shit. I'll win that blindfolded.

No, no, Dracula.

I will.

[whirring]

[students gasping]

OLLIE: Whoa-ho-ho...

♪

[beeping]

Yes. Yes!

Do it, baby. Yeah.

Do it, you bad, bad bitch.

Not bad for a rush job, right?

[buzzing]

Ah. [grunts]

[buzzing]

I guess I'll just pee here.

ALL: Yay!

ALL: Boo...

[gasps]

Boom. Boom, boom.

[grunting, groaning]

Ooh!

-[maniacal laugh] -Oh...

Hey, great work, in my opinion.

I always love spending my lunch break

watching my best friend destroy a school.

[chuckling] Get back to me after this blows over.

-Ciao, baby! -[sirens approaching]

Man...

[hissing]

Please excuse our principal, Dr. Morocco.

[snoring]

Is he another victim of my wife's invention?

No, no, no. Most likely it's, um...

recreational substances.

He's a very mysterious man.

But really great...

on paper.

Anyway, Harpers.

Normally, your actions would have resulted in legal action,

but this is a poor school, and the town neglects us.

Know how many schools got planes crashed into them

before the Wright Brothers perfected their stuff?

Yes. None.

Absolutely none.

Hmm.

You know, while I have you,

I have questions about the twins.

Is Todd...

trying to be unlikable?

And is Ollie perhaps on recreational substances?

Like, maybe, I don't know, does she...

-[snoring] -...know Dr. Morocco?

Ollie just has her own way.

She can make you question why we even have standardized tests.

"Little Plato with Play-Doh," is, is what we called her.

[chuckles weakly]

No, she's sober.

Right, and Todd doesn't care what people think. Okay?

Which is good.

-He just sometimes needs a push. -Or a coddle.

He'll end up being president or a warlord.

Okay, so, I'm not worried.

I see. Well...

That leads us to the parenting style in the Harper house.

Tell me, which style do you use?

Uh...

Well, uh, it seems, you know, uh, we've never

explicitly discussed one, singular style,

so to speak, but I...

Being the stay-at-home dad, I set the parenting tone. Yeah.

But I swoop in and push the kids where they need it.

I say, let them do stuff for themselves. Right?

Like make their own breakfast.

Ollie-- make her own breakfast?

[laughs] Please.

She'd make herself a bowl full of spoons.

Well, for the twins' sake,

you two should get on the same page.

[chuckling]: Okay?

It might help balance the twins out,

and help them to be less...

extreme. All right?

DR. MOROCCO: No.

No, no, no, officers.

I have my passport right here. I...

Oh. [chuckling]

Charmed, I'm sure.

[bell rings]

Yeah, I'm looking for a book on drone software.

Maybe some parenting books. Whatever.

Hey, what's with the crappy book in the window?

Got to sell the stuff people want.

Buy it, I need the money.

Uh, I won't respect you if you do, but go ahead.

Hmm.

No...

Um...

Well, I've read all these.

Ah, no...

Not that.

Um... [inhales]

Aha!

[reading] Pro-Self Care, Coddle Your Kids.

A perfect backup for my argument.

Oh, hey. Why are you holding that dumb book?

I was just wanting us to get on the same page,

like Ms. Gonzalez said.

Sure. Okay, then.

Isay we find that page in this

much more correct book.

You know, we never had this problem

when you weren't home as often,

and I could just parent the kids mostly my way.

Well, maybe now I see they've needed more

of my style of parenting all along.

[both growling]

-[both grunt] -And throw in a Bitch by the Sea.

Who's a little pretty boy?

Yes.

Ew. Why do you have a gray grape?

This is the last tick.

He sucked all the other ticks to death in the tick farm.

Yeah, you got to get rid of that thing.

Nah, I feel a connection, man.

I'm going to let him munch me some.

There you go, latch.

Latch.

[groans]

[groaning]

Okay.

Ollie...

Would you say you're comforted by this room?

Sure.

So it's a comfort zone?

And you're in a comfort zone not cleaning it?

Sure...

Then I...

hold please...

I push you out of that zone.

Clean your room, now.

And grow.

Freddie, what the hell?

I was trying to parent by the book.

What? Ollie had to watch Netflix.

You know how it is.

you got to keep up, or you're totally ostracized.

[groans]

"Only you know when you need to take care of yourself.

Your kids know when they need it, too."

Yes. Exactly. Thank you.

Mom said we had to "get out of our comfort zone"

and make a freakin' lemonade stand for allowance money.

Uh, hold on one second.

Hmm...

[inhales, gasps]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Do not do that.

Rad. Can we watch Netflix?

Yes, do that. Netflix, yep.

And I'll go get you some snacks.

[weapons firing on TV]

What? Wait, but who's watching Seal Team Ninja Rock Band Six?

DEBBIE: I don't care what your dad said.

You want money, you earn it.

[groans]

Gather around, parents. Sign in.

We will begin momentarily.

I know you.

You ruined our wonderfully diverse and rootsy school.

I'm Jame.

Yes, not James.

And this is Juniper.

We're Joshathon's parents.

But really...

we're his best friends.

Oh, this will be so much fun.

I have so many leaves already in my pockets.

Leaves, they scream.

Man, I don't want to do this.

Me either.

Oh, you're both doing this.

Honey, if the kids don't want to do this, I-- let's just go home.

The world tells me to baby myself with self-care,

but at the same time it tells me to get out of my comfort zones.

Which is it?!

I don't want to wage our battle of parenting styles here,

in front of everyone, babe. Okay?

Why not? We're just talking about the biggest stakes

in the world here, our kids.

Okay, I don't know about you all,

but I want my kids to grow into solid, actual adults.

Okay? So I say, raise them my way.

How about you, Jupiter?

What's your house parenting style?

It's actually Juniper,

pronounced Juniper,

and we practice the documentary style of parenting.

No intervention at all.

We just observe.

And we document everything

for our 34 social media platforms.

Uh, that's gross.

What about you, Gbenge, Katrina?

What's your parenting style?

Freddie thinks we should do "self-care"

and I think we should do "anti-comfort zone."

Wait, you're "anti-comfort zone"?

[chuckles] Oh, well, that's cute.

But it's all about grit now.

It turns out, grit is what determines genius.

Certainly not self-care or pro-comfort zones.

Why does everyone hate comfort zones, huh?

Everyone wants you to just take it.

To take all the bad stuff.

You all say, "Oh, it's just urine.

"It's just a flood of bloody, scummy urine

"with doo-doo bubbles all in it, so be cool, man.

This is just how downtown is."

Hey, downtown is a culturally important place.

You know what I mean.

[indistinct arguing]

Okay, okay, okay.

Let's put our parenting styles to the test.

In Leaf-A-Thon.

Most leaves equals best style.

PARENTS: Yeah!

DEBBIE: I get Todd.

Oh, damn. Here we go.

Okay, I got Ollie.

Rad.

I'm going to stomp you, Todd.

I'm going to stomp your little balls.

I'm the new genius, JimJoe. So, die.

That's the spirit.

Students...

gather as many leaves as you can until sunset.

Parents, you can't do the gathering.

-Just the coaching. -[grumbling]

And there is a point system.

Common leaves are worth one point,

uncommon ones are worth five,

and endangered ones are worth 25 point-a-roonies.

-[laughs] -[squealing tires approaching]

Oh, and here's your principal to kick this off.

Dr. Morocco.

-[heavy-metal music playing] -[tires squeal]

Yeah, right there, that's a sketch-ass principal.

All right, let's do this thing.

-[gunshot] -[yelping]

♪

I know what you want.

I feel what you feel.

I'm an empath...

Ow.

You're part of me now, man.

Hey, Ollie, let's go over... [gasps]

Oh, you're looking pale.

Are you feeling... pale?

I am a bit drained.

It's like my energy is being sucked away,

or something, for some reason.

Yes, honey, you listen to your body.

Do self-care.

I'll carry you, and I'll find leaves.

But let's just keep that between us. Okay?

-[Freddie grunts] -[exhales]

It says here the Maple Leaf Oak is the top leaf to get.

Nice self-starting, baby.

That's determination.

That's grit, that's...

That's enough, Dad. Chill out.

Just proud of your grit, baby.

I'm just proud of your grit.

Here we have Joshathon Jaycock in the wild.

Will he care about the task at hand?

[hissing]

Dad, why is this worm so loud?

-[hissing] -Dad?

It's times like these one wants to intervene,

but that is not the way of our people.

Hmm.

[clears throat]

Ah...

Look, there's a rare species.

But there's only one left.

Mom, get over here for a boost.

Mom, we got to get that leaf

before frickin' awful JimJoe does.

DEBBIE: Uh...

Mm.

Listen to me, Toddie. Listen.

Just use this other tree. Right?

Climb it, and lean down.

It's a little far.

-Trust me. -[sighs]

-[whimpering] -[JimJoe grunting]

-TODD: Uh, okay... -[JimJoe groans]

-Yes. Thanks, Mom. -[grunting, groaning]

Damn you, Todd,

you cheating creep.

Watch it, you rude little kid.

And be nicer to your damn mama.

[gasps]

This is just one species.

I'll still win the whole thing.

You watch. Come on, Mom. Hustle up.

And do the engine-noise thing for me.

[imitates engine]

-[engine noise continues] -[chuckles]

Well, well, well, Mr. Harper.

Oh, Ms. Gonzalez, hey.

Hey, there. Hey.

I take this contest very seriously.

And I know what you're doing.

Ollie is disqualified.

Get this kid an orange and a juice pack.

She's limp and colorless. [groans]

JimJoe, get off your mother.

Oh my god, Ollie.

I-I'm so, so sorry, baby.

Dude, what?

I'm thrilled this candy-less trick-or-treat is over.

Yeah, but my parenting style got you disqualified.

Do... [sighs]

-Do I coddle you too much? -[groaning]

Oh! My-my daughter needs a juice pack, stat!

[wind whistling]

[Debbie whistles]

That's a high-value leaf.

Get it, and you beat that JimJoe.

But it's over that scary ravine.

It is just like the one we just did.

Get out of your comfort zone,

and get way out on that limb.

Come on.

I don't know.

Todd.

You can win here.

And you can rub it in all the kids' faces.

Come on, son.

-[whimpering] -Yes.

[whispering]: Yes, good, good, good, good, good. Do it.

-[whimpering] -Go for it. Go.

[branch cracks] -[screams]

-[gasps] -[Todd screaming]

That real woman.

[screaming]

[continues screaming]

Ah...

[gasps, sobs]

Oh, my boy. My sweet fucking boy.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. What did I do to you? Oh.

Mom, uh, well,

I think I'm fine.

-I'm fine. -Oh, you could have died!

Oh, my God. I'm such a bad mom.

Okay, I am disqualifying myself.

I want to take you to get medical attention, hon.

-Just to be safe. -Mom, I feel fine.

Because you fell on me, Todd.

Oh, my God. Are you okay, kid?

Um, my head, maybe, got kicked in a little.

Whoa. Uh...

[stammers] Okay.

I'm taking both of you to see a medic.

You for sure.

Listen, I can keep going.

I know a different way to win this thing.

I just need your phone for an Uber.

Forget this leaf thing.

That scare really shook us up a little.

Not me. I can do this.

Okay, babe.

Just don't go through my pics.

There's parents-only stuff.

And hey!

Don't go out on any limbs, okay?

Lady, am I taller?

My brain is touching my skull hard now.

[birds chirping]

I'll be right back.

My old school.

So clean. So rich.

So me.

I knew it.

The Maple Leaf Oak.

The most valuable, endangered tree around.

This school has everything.

I still don't have enough, and I bet JimJoe has more leaves.

And the sun's setting.

I got to hurry back.

DEBBIE: Okay. Come on.

Nope. Nope, uh. Steady.

There you are, and look at all these leaves.

You won.

No, he did not.

Yes, he did.

Here's his trophy we brought.

Yes... ah.

What? This kid needs a doctor.

[whispering]: Look at his head.

No. He decides.

Joshathon, are you okay?

If heat rises...

why is Canada cold?

BOTH: See, he's fine.

Mm. Hmm.

[slurping]

Hey, what happened to Ollie?

She got disqualified and dehydrated.

But it's cool.

Because sometimes you just have to let your kids fail, I guess.

Right?

You know, Freddie...

[inhales sharply]

...you don't practice self-care for yourself.

You over-extend so your family--

yes, me included--

can-can-can indulge.

And I see that, and I do thank you, hon,

but you should go easier on yourself.

Yeah, I'll try to make Ollie do more on her own.

But you know I-I love how much you push yourself.

Right? I-I love that about you.

But...

I shouldn't expect the same standards from everyone else,

especially the kids.

I know.

-[moans] -Ah...

Aw. You're my teddy bear.

And you're my stuffing.

[imitating engine]

Here we go, kids.

Bring your leaf books up here,

and Dr. Morocco, and mostly myself,

will tally you up.

[panting]

Well, it looks like we have a clear winner here...

-with JimJoe... -Hold on, there!

Tally this batch!

No way, you are too late.

-Aha! -[crowd gasps]

Son of a bitch.

He's got the Maple Leaf Oak.

And the rest of his book is full.

Well, this is just impressive.

Todd Harper has won this year's Leaf-A-Thon.

[chuckles] Oh, God.

And now, Dr. Morocco.

[moaning, weak applause]

It behooves me to make mention that...

Lyme disease is a big deal.

[murmuring]

In the battle against fleas and ticks,

one can always trust in Leave! brand flea and tick deterrents.

And we can thank Leave! for sponsoring and conceiving

of the Leaf-A-Thon, as always.

Now, Todd Harper.

Please come claim your ice cream ticket,

that expires in an hour,

and say a few words.

-[whooping] -Yeah.

[whoops] All right.

[sighs] You can all suck my bag.

-[gasping] -WOMAN: Oh.

[laughing]

I'm super cool,

and it makes you all mad and jealous.

So suck on my bag, and deal with your shit.

Peace.

[booing]

Impressive dickishness.

-[booing] -Hmm.

How'd you fill up the book in time, Todd?

I snuck Todd my leaves. Duh...

What? When?

When you and Mom were making out

and making up, like sappy suckers.

See, me and Todd are yin and yang.

Together we always balance each other's extremes.

Kind of how your extreme styles of parenting

don't really work when separate.

You guys do fine together.

Got to get that balance, baby...

[chuckling] So...

let's all go get ice cream at the Ice Cream Morgue

before this ticket expires.

ALL: Yeah!

I hope they got steak ice cream.

-[pop] -[screaming]

-FREDDIE: Oh, my God. -OLLIE: Oh, no!

I coddled my tick to death.

Chirp.

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