Original subtitles

>> So, yo...

I've been struggling with this

for a minute now.

And I'm not the type of dude

that goes back and forth with

things.

I know what I want, and I go

after it.

If there's something I can't

make a decision on, then it's

not for me.

Straight up.

This has been a struggle since

day one.

I guess what I'm trying to say

is...

I think we should go our

separate ways.

But the silver lining is it's...

it's probably not too late for

you to patch things up with your

you to patch things up with your boy Blue.

boy Blue.

You get what I'm saying, Keira?

♪ Start all over again

♪ Think I'd better let it go

[groans]

Yeah, she gets it.

♪ Looks like another love TKO

♪ Looks like another love TKO ♪♪

♪♪

>> So, tell me, did you catch

any of the Word today in church,

or were you too busy looking at

Chardonnay's legs?

>> Ah, you know me, baby.

I'm the king of multitasking.

>> Oh? Ooh.

>> Char-Char.

>> Hey, Tee Tee.

>> Hey.

So, you decided to stop in and

check out our post-church

brunch, huh?

>> Well--

>> Hey, check out the motto.

If God didn't like fatties, he

wouldn't have made 'em.

>> I don't like that motto.

>> Really?

>> Mnh-mnh.

Tee Tee, Roger.

Roger, Tee Tee.

>> How's it going, man?

>> So, you're the guy she chose

over me, huh?

>> Really?

>> That's weird.

Anyway, man, you want to impress

your lady, bring her to Malik's

Read Wright charity event

tonight.

>> Okay.

Well, if that'll impress my

lady, we might just do that.

>> Okay.

>> Oh, yeah, just a quick

heads-up.

Jason will probably be here.

>> Oh, we are way past that,

okay? But thank you.

>> You passed it?

How come you didn't tell me?

>> 'Cause it ain't none of your

business.

>> What, you ain't gonna give me

my shot?

>> No.

>> Excuse me. I'll be back.

I'll be back.

[exhales sharply]

Hey, how'd it go with Keira?

Wow! Damn!

>> Dude, it had to be done, man.

Look, if we don't win that game

tomorrow, Tee Tee, we don't go

to the playoffs.

And this could be my last shot

at glory, dawg.

That whole damn thing with

Keira, it was just one big-ass

distraction.

>> You mean this relationship

with Keira, Mr. Romance?

>> Man, shut up!

>> No, you shut up!

Come here.

Come on.

You had the girl you always

wanted, but you threw her away

on a million-to-one chance that

they'll let a third-string

quarterback in the game?

Come on, man, that's ridiculous.

>> Oh, I'm getting in that game,

okay?

'Cause I got a best friend who

knows about upsetting people's

tummies with bad chicken meat.

[chuckles]

>> We killed a man.

>> And I ran two red lights this

morning, Tee Tee.

Man the hell up and get over it,

okay?

okay? Thank you.

Thank you.

♪ What up?

♪ Unh

♪ What up?

♪ Unh

♪ What up?

♪ Holla at me

♪ Yo, what up?

♪ What up?

>> Six inch or eight inch?

>> I'm closer to 10, actually.

>> My shoes, Jason!

I need to know which one I

should wear tonight to me and

Malik's Read Wright party.

>> Yeah, well, I need to know

what offensive scheme to run for

tomorrow's do-or-die football

game, so...

Six inch.

>> Spread offense.

[knocking on door]

Ooh, that's probably my new

Ooh, that's probably my new outfit.

outfit.

Hi.

>> I'm A.J. Seligman, Herbie

Lesser's executive assistant.

Do you have a moment?

>> Sure.

Uh...

Excuse me.

>> Herbie just wanted me to make

sure you guys saw something.

>> What...

>> Uh, excuse me.

>> Um, sure, person I've never

seen before, do whatever you

like in my home.

>> And it gives me great

pleasure to announce to the

world my next great adventure--

owning a professional football

team.

The Lesser cabal, comprised of

myself, myself, and myself, have

purchased the San Diego Sabers!

>> Oh!

>> Yeah! Just wrote a check.

Now they're all mine.

Especially the coaches.

Yeah, and...

>> You saw that, right?

Saw that Herbie bought the

Sabers?

>> That creepy old man screwed

me.

>> He screwed me, too.

But this time it wasn't good for

me.

>> So you did see?

>> Yes, we saw.

>> And you feel really awful

about it, right?

>> Yes!

>> Awesome.

Thank you, guys.

Have an amazing day.

[phone ringing]

Excuse me.

Hey, Herbie.

Yeah, they saw.

[door opens]

>> Ooh, Kai, you are going to

love Vegas!

It is shiny and well-lit.

[chuckles]

Okay.

[phone ringing]

[scoffs]

Hello?

>> Hey.

My daughter ready to go to

Richmond?

>> Uh, uh-huh.

>> All right, then, just give me

a minute and I'll be right down.

Oh, and I got more diapers.

You don't need to pack those.

>> Okay, Pookie, we get it,

all right?

You're a good daddy.

Dang.

Ugh!

Shiite! Shiite! Shiite!

Okay, now, that's being both

clever and teaching you about

the Middle East, baby.

Oh, Lord.

Oof.

♪ Hit the road, Jack

>> Hey.

You miss me?

>> What the hell?

>> [chuckling]

I missed you, too.

>> Uh, Rick, it's really a bad

time right now.

>> Look, I... I know--

>> Okay, you know what, honey?

We're gonna have to walk and

talk, okay?

>> Okay.

>> Go, go, go, go, go! Go!

>> Look, I know the e-mail said

the baby was Pookie's, but I

need to see for myself.

>> See?

>> Well, two browns don't make a

light skin.

>> Yeah, well, that's what all

the textbooks say.

>> Yeah, uh, okay, uh...

[elevator dings]

>> Oops.

But you know what?

Maybe it would be better if you

did see her under the light.

>> Okay, Tasha--

>> Shh!

Come on.

The baby's sleeping.

>> Oh. Yeah.

>> Yeah.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Rick, get your ass in here!

Rick, get your ass in here! >> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> I need you to hide.

>> What?

>> If you want to live, I need

your ass to hide!

>> Pookie?

[knocking on door]

>> Oh!

[groans]

[knocking on door]

No, Rick, don't!

>> Rick.

>> What up, Pookie?

>> Shiite.

Rick.

>> What?

Not afraid of him.

>> What the hell is going on?

>> Hey, look, before I answer

that, you packing?

>> No.

>> Damn it, Pookie!

>> My boy's girlfriend just

bought one of those.

>> Okay, shut up.

>> He just came by to see the

baby, that's all.

>> Why? Two browns don't make

a light skin.

>> Exactly, okay?

So now that we got science out

of the way--

>> Whoa... what the hell?

Why you got your travel bag and

your airplane sweats?

Y'all two trying to run away

together?

>> No!

Me and Kai were gonna run away.

>> Oh, so you're trying to take

the baby.

>> I need a drink.

[scoffs]

>> You know what?

I can't believe you're trying

to take my baby.

>> Can I have some space?

>> No, you can't have any space.

You ask him to leave and then

you can have your space.

>> She's got some yellow behind

her ear.

>> Hey, hey, my man, back up a

little bit, all right?

>> Relax, bro.

I'm just trying to make sure

she's not mine.

>> You want my baby, Rick?

>> Look, man, I've been an NBA

player with three championship

rings, all right?

They named me the NBA's most

gorgeous man 10 years after I

retired.

I know, okay?

Look, I've been a sports agent,

a stand-up comedian, a sports

commentator with NBA TV and TNT.

>> Oh, and don't forget about

your role on "Oz."

>> And a thespian.

Hey, which, by the way, I

actually figured out is my true

calling.

>> Well, you were good.

>> What?

>> Why, thank you.

And as impressive as all that

is, I'd trade it all away.

For a wife and a family.

>> Rick?

>> Do you know what I deserve

right now?

A drink.

>> Yeah, you know what?

You pretty boys kill me, man.

You think you're better than

everybody else, that-- that

you're above everything.

Why?

You know, why is that?

Really.

When they handed out light eyes

and wavy hair and all of that,

did they tell you that the world

was just gonna lay down at your

feet?

>> It's not so much the world.

It's more like the women.

>> You got to be kidding me.

News flash, man-- that's my

daughter.

My daughter!

Now, I wanted to be a father my

whole life.

But this is not the picture that

I had in my head.

Nah, this, this right here, this

is a circus.

Now, you want Kai to be yours,

you're trying to take Kai, and

this is just the first six

months!

You know what?

>> Just breathe, Pookie.

Stop.

>> [inhaling deeply]

>> [inhaling deeply] >> Breathe.

>> Breathe.

>> I need a drink.

>> Hey, knock yourself out, bro.

>> Okay, first order of

business, I am not a big fan of

the name San Diego Sabers.

I mean, what the hell is a saber

anyway?

I need a team name that I can

relate to, like San Diego

Swingers, San Diego Sausages.

>> Sausages.

Who doesn't love a good sausage

party?

>> Eh-heh-heh.

>> Oh, well, hello there, boss.

>> Hey, coach!

>> Hey, coach! Hey, guys, give us a minute.

Hey, guys, give us a minute.

>> Hello again.

>> Scram, red pants.

Got your message.

Would have been nice to have

been included in your little

deal seeing as how it was our

idea!

Hmm?

Remember?

You, me, Kelly, Roger Jr.,

our house, Pitts Group meeting.

You said inappropriate things.

>> Ah, guys, come on, business

is business.

I taught you that, Kel, didn't

I?

>> Don't "Kel" me, Papa.

>> What...

>> I didn't say Papa.

>> Okay, okay, okay, guys, what

do you want to hear?

That I'm sorry or that I was

going to make Jason permanent

head coach of the Sabers?

>> Come again?

>> Oh, yeah.

Jason, you are-- you are the

guy.

I mean, it's one of the reasons

I wanted to buy the team in the

first place.

>> It is?

>> Yeah.

>> It is?

>> Oh, yeah.

>> Hey-o!

>> Hey-o! Hey-o!

>> Yeah!

>> [laughs]

>> But there are a few strings

attached.

>> Like what?

What-- What kind of strings?

'Cause we already said the

"Hey-o."

>> Ridiculously sexy blonde

strings.

I-- I want to revisit a

relationship I had with

Goldilocks.

>> What?

Is this about to become a Robert

Redford movie?

>> It depends on your answer.

>> No!

You can't have a night with my

wife in exchange for the San

Diego Sabers head-coaching job.

No way!

I don't care how long the

contract is for.

Just out of curiosity, how long

is the contract for?

>> Three years.

>> No!

Can't have a night with my wife.

You crazy?

But again, just out of

curiosity, what kind of salary

are we talking about if-- if--

>> Okay, come on. Jason--

>> Yeah, no! No!

>> Wait. Whoa. Whoa.

I am a businessman.

Businessmen negotiate.

Okay?

So, I'll settle for watching.

>> Watching what?

>> You two have sex.

>> Good God, dude, how freaky

are you?

>> Kel, you want to field this

one?

>> He can be way freakier than

that.

Way freakier.

Biblical freaky.

I mean, I'm surprised we didn't

turn to salt when we were

together.

>> So, we have a deal?

>> Hell no.

I'm gonna win that game

tomorrow.

We're gonna make it to the

playoffs.

There is no way San Diego's

gonna let you get rid of their

favorite son.

I brought the city a

championship, for God's sake!

>> Well, I-- I wish you the best

of luck.

>> Yeah.

How Biblical did you guys get?

I mean, do I have to get tested

or what?

Do you know that he's...

>> And then he just blindsides

me.

>> [scoffs] Well, come on,

Keira, everybody know that Malik

is not a relationship guy.

You know what?

Blue probably was the one, but

you bailed on him too soon.

>> I did not bail on Blue, okay?

Malik and I were just perfect

together.

I was starting to think about

what our life would be like.

>> [scoffs] Girl!

>> Well, maybe you just gave up

the sex too soon.

I mean, you were a virgin before

Blue, right?

>> Sure was.

>> I'm pretty sure Malik would

have understood having to wait a

few more months before you gave

it up to him.

>> Uh?

>> Promiscuity is not an

aphrodisiac.

>> That is a hell of a point,

baby.

Have you thought about what he's

saying?

Have you thought about what my

baby is saying?

>> Chardonnay, can I talk to you

for a minute?

>> [scoffs] Baby.

>> Oh, it's cool.

Need to use the restroom anyway.

>> It's the door on the--

>> First door around the corner

on the left, yeah.

Chardonnay showed me the floor

plan.

>> What the hell?

How does this guy know

everything about me?

>> Oh, he is not just some guy,

okay? He is my Roger.

>> Well, your Roger shouldn't be

here right now, okay?

We're clearly trying to have

girl talk.

You're shattering all girl code.

>> Really? Shattering?

>> Look, Chardonnay, I don't

pretend to know everything,

okay?

But usually when women try to

force men into all parts of

their lives, it's because they

don't fit into any part.

>> Oh, and where'd you read

that? Instagram??

>> Twitter.

But don't act like it's not

true.

>> Oh, I don't.

And you know what, I probably

should follow you.

What's your screen name again?

Hater-ass girlfriend 01?

>> Uh!

>> Uh!

>> So, what'd I miss?

>> Not a damn thing.

>> Oh, baby, did you tell her

how her diet might be one of the

reasons these men keep running

off?

>> Let's go, baby.

>> See Dick run.

For some, it's just a simple

line you read in your first

book.

Who cares about Dick?

Well, I care about Dick.

Because there are millions of

people out there who don't know

what Dick is doing.

That's why Malik and I started

the Read Wright Program.

So everyone out there knows just

how important Dick is.

[woman chuckles]

You need to know about Dick.

I need to know about Dick.

So let's all learn about Dick.

Thank you.

>> Great speech, Kelly.

Y'all give it up for Kelly.

[chuckles]

Next time, run your speeches by

me, okay?

Thank you.

>> [chuckles]

>> So, no big speech here, guys.

Hey, you got money.

We want it.

But first I want to give a

special shout-out to all of my

first-string Sabers who came out

to support the evening,

especially my QB brothers.

>> All right, all right.

>> Raise your glasses.

A-ha! I love you all, man.

All right?

Now, everybody eat up 'cause

it's for a good cause.

>> All right!

>> Thank you.

>> Man, I can't believe you got

me involved in giving people

food poisoning again.

>> Tee Tee, at least somebody

appreciates your ass for

something.

Can't that be enough, bro?

>> You're a monster, man.

>> Hey, not just me.

Your fingerprints is on that

meat, okay?

Now take these special chicken

burgers over to the first- and

second-string quarterbacks.

Go.

[woman laughing]

>> Hey!

>> Hey! >> Too late.

>> Too late.

>> Huh?

>> Thanks, Tee Tee.

>> Oh, man.

>> Damn it, Tee Tee!

Here.

There's two more, okay?

>> See, this is how it starts.

>> Yes.

>> Yes. And this is how it ends.

And this is how it ends.

>> I liked the part about the

Dick.

It was good.

It was just a lot of Dick.

>> Babe, that was, like, the

whole theme of my speech.

>> No, I dig-- I dig it.

>> My lady!

>> [clears throat]

>> Everything good?

>> Everything's great.

Spadonnay is open seven days a

week now.

>> Oh, Sunday hours?

>> 12:00 to 6:00.

>> Post-church crowd?

>> Glory!

[clears throat]

>> No, no! Don't do that.

[sighs] This isn't cool.

>> So, everything good, Rog?

>> Yeah!

Yeah, not bad.

I mean, I'm still looking for

something, but, you know, the

market is--

>> Roger is doing fantastic.

He's being courted by major

teams.

>> Really? Which ones?

>> I said major ones.

Parlez-vous "Englay" or no?

>> The Argonauts and Blue

Bombers, actually.

>> Canadian teams.

Ooh.

>> No, no, no.

It's-- It's not-- It's--

It's not bad.

It's-- It's not bad.

>> Come on.

>> It's not--

>> Come on. Come on.

>> It's really--

It's really not bad.

>> Come on, come on.

>> It's not--

>> Come on, come on, come on,

come on, come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

[distorted]: Come on.

Come on.

>> [distorted]: No, no, really,

it's...

>> Come on, come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

>> It's bad.

>> There you go.

>> There you go. >> Excuse us, okay?

>> Excuse us, okay?

What the hell was that?

>> What are you talking about?

>> "It-- It's bad"?

Stuttering and all of that?

Really?

What happened to your swag?

You just made me look crazy in a

tight-ass suit.

>> Is that all you care about?

How you look in front of your

ex, Jason?

>> No, 'cause I look good.

[scoffs]

You know what, Roger?

Honestly, maybe I'm just not

ready for this yet.

Maybe I'm just forcing this

whole thing.

>> [scoffs]

Wow.

That was definitely not the

answer I was looking for.

I thought we could have

something.

>> So did I.

>> So did I. >> [scoffs]

>> [scoffs]

And this suit is not tight,

by the way.

It's European cut.

[laughter]

>> [laughing]

Ooh!

>> I just raised over a half a

million dollars!

>> And I made baby Roger look

like a boob!

>> [laughs]

We both won!

>> Mm!

>> And now we just need to make

sure we win tomorrow's game, and

you will be permanent head

coach.

>> That's right.

Herbie's gonna have to kiss my

beige ass!

Freaky old bastard will probably

like it.

>> Oh, he would.

He absolutely would.

It's just another one of his

things.

>> Oh...

[phone ringing]

Oh!

Papa Joe!

What's going on, man?

[vomiting]

>> Good.

[groans]

I don't think a bunch of us are

gonna make it to the game

tomorrow.

>> What?

[flatulence, coughing]

>> Pretty...

[panting]

Pretty sure a couple of us got

food poisoning.

[retching]

>> Oh, dear God.

>> It's our third drink.

>> That's crazy.

>> I know!

Every time that they did it...

>> How much I relived it.

>> That was the best time ever.

>> That was nice.

>> Let's do that again.

>> Okay.

♪ You've lost that

♪ Lovin' feelin'

[knocking on door]

♪ Whoa, that lovin' feelin'

♪ You've lost that

♪ Lovin' feelin'

♪ Now it's gone, gone, gone

♪ Now it's gone, gone, gone ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

>> [grunts]

♪ Baby, baby

♪ I get down on my knees

♪ For you

>> Yeah, that's what I'm talking

about.

>> [shrieks]

You're filthy.

>> Get up here.

♪ If you would only love me

>> Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

>> ♪ Like you used to do

>> I got you.

>> Come here.

[laughing]

>> Hey.

>> Let go!

>> ♪ We got a love, a love

♪ A love you don't find

♪ Every day

>> [shrieks]

>> [laughing]

>> My baby daddy.

>> Ooh!

♪ Don't let it slip away

[laughing]

Whoo!

>> ♪ Baby

>> ♪ Baby

>> Hey.

>> ♪ Baby

>> ♪ Baby

>> Okay! Oh, hey, hey!

Okay, now, fellas.

Yeah, I know y'all both still

want some, but we got to...

got to play nice.

Okay?

>> Play nice.

He wasn't playing nice when he

was bangin' my woman behind my

back.

>> Say what?

>> You heard me.

>> She was mine first.

Y'all was just friends.

>> Oh, so that's-- that's the

excuse that you're using?

>> Uh, no, that's the truth.

>> Oh, that's the truth?

>> Hey, who wants more vodka?

[chuckles] I do.

>> Hey, go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

>> You know what?

You and me, we need to settle

this once and for all seriously.

>> [coughing]

>> Serious.

>> What, you gonna shoot me with

a gun now?

>> Nah, dawg, I was gonna put

the gun down so you and me can

fight like men.

Understand?

>> Then, why you still holding

it?

>> Ah, come on, Rick.

Ain't nobody trying to shoot

you, man!

>> Hey, hey, hey, hey, Pookie!

Look, it ain't even that kind of

party.

>> Baby, that's what I'm trying

to tell him.

Hey, ain't nobody want to shoot

you, Rick.

[chuckles]

Nobody want to shoot you, man.

Look, look, I'll tell you what.

Matter of fact, matter of fact,

here.

You can take it.

Go ahead. Take it.

It's yours.

[gunshot]

>> Aah!

Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! ♪♪

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