Original subtitles

>> TASHA: Then he say, don't

you go in there dummy 'cause

there ain't nothin' in there but

Puerto Ricans and Cap'n Crunch.

>> GUESTS: [laughing]

>> Ooh, all right, then,

let's serve my daddy up.

Order up!

[bell dings]

>> GUESTS: Serve 'em up!

>> [sighing]

>> CHARDONNAY: It's all right,

friend, take your time.

>> TASHA: Ooh, y'all.

I'm sorry, I'm just gonna miss

his cereal-hatin' racist ass.

[laughing]

But I do know that my daddy

would have been impressed by

the turnout here today for his

homegoin'.

>> CHARDONNAY: Whoa, he's with

Him in His holy light, yes,

amen.

>> Yes, thank you, Chardonnay.

>> CHARDONNAY: Oh, you welcome.

>> Y'all served up my daddy

right.

Order up!

>> [bell dings]

>> GUESTS: Serve 'em up!

>> All right.

Come on, Malik, I need you to

serve 'em up.

>> Order up!

I'm so confused.

>> MALIK: All right now, for

those of y'all that got your

Bibles, I'm gonna be reading

a passage from Psalms 11.

>> Unh-unh. Unh-unh.

It's Psalms 31.

Daddy hated Psalms 11.

>> Mom, 11 is already locked

and loaded.

Now you're gonna have to get

somebody else to read 31?

>> Well, Tee Tee.

But he's watchin' your sister,

okay, so come on, come on,

people gettin' hot in these

damn aprons.

>> CHARDONNAY: Serve 'em up.

[applauding]

>> Uh, I'ma be reading a passage

from Psalms 31 in honor of

my granddaddy.

In you, O Lord, I put my trust.

Let me never be ashy...ashamed,

ashamed, ashamed.

Ashamed.

Deliver me in your right

ass-ness...rightessness,

righteous...righteousness.

In your righteousness.

>> Did he just say "Deliver me

in your right ass"?

[laughing]

Sorry.

I skipped breakfast.

Just...just continue.

[crunching loudly]

>> Um...

>> It's all right.

It's all right, baby.

It's been an emotional day,

okay.

I don't even know how you did

what you did.

>> [bell dings]

>> I know why he can't

serve 'em up.

Malik can't read.

Order up!

[bell dings]

>> Serve 'em up!

>> Good on that, babe.

>> Tasha, is this the time you

want me to go ahead on and sing?

>> Sing, baby.

>> ♪ This little light of mine

>> ♪ This little light of mine ♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine

♪ I'm gonna let it shine >> ♪

>> ♪

>> ♪ >> BLUE: It's different.

>> BLUE: It's different.

>> TASHA: Absolutely not.

>> CHARDONNAY: I don't know,

y'all.

>> TASHA: Well, I know--

and that ain't it.

It's gotta come on down.

Fine. [snapping fingers]

Blue.

Go on.

Uh, careful!

Okay.

All right, now, look, I really

appreciate y'all helping me

bring all that stuff back,

okay, 'cause, Lord knows, my...

[stammering] s-s-s-son...

[laughing]

...he couldn't help me at all.

>> Now that is cold, Miss Mack.

>> Yeah, and so is my daddy.

Now give me his dust.

>> Well, I thought your dad

wanted to be sprinkled

somewhere.

>> Girl, it ain't urine, okay?

Now I don't know what I'ma do

with it, but until then, I just

want him to be comfortable.

>> Well, I'm just glad that

mess is over with.

>> Oh!

>> No, no, I mean it was

a lovely service and you know

I'm really sorry for your loss.

But I just don't like being

around Kelly and Jason.

>> Okay, well, maybe when

my mama dies, I can check in

with you on the guest list

beforehand.

>> Ooh, ooh, could you make

>> You know what?

>> You know what? sure Keira's not on there?

sure Keira's not on there?

You two are about the most

holdin' on ass mother-you-know-

whaters.

>> I am not holdin' on,

all right?

I just don't need to be around

my ex.

>> Yeah, how is that holdin' on?

I don't get it.

>> Let me see your phones.

>> Huh?

>> Huh?

>> Huh?

>> Huh?

Look, if you ain't holdin' on,

let me see your phones.

Come on.

>> Mm-hm, yeah.

>> Mm-hm, yeah. >> I don't got no code on it.

>> I don't got no code on it.

Mm-hm.

Yep, photo albums just full

of Jason and Keira.

You know what?

If y'all ain't holdin' on,

Verizon damn sure is.

holdin' on to these pictures

holdin' on to these pictures >> Look, the only reason I am

>> Look, the only reason I am

is for sentimental reasons.

>> Sentimental? Uh-huh.

Okay, is that why you're still

It looks like a gift from Keira.

It looks like a gift from Keira. rockin' those dog tags?

rockin' those dog tags?

>> Oh, nah, I come from

>> Oh, I beg your pardon.

a military background.

"Sergeant Gucci."

Oh, and you, Private Pitts.

Why the hell are you holdin' on

to that last name, okay, and if

you tell me it's 'cause you

you like the way it sounds,

unh-unh.

Chardonnay Pitts sounds jokey.

>> Well, that's the only way

people know me in this town,

okay?

I'm a well-respected business

woman with my full clientele

list and a staff full of

employees.

>> Girl, I know all about your

employees, okay, 'cause last

week, when I was in there

gettin' my eyelash extensions,

old Laurie told me that she

follows Kelly on Instagram

and has to report back all of

her comings and goings.

>> I didn't tell Laurie to do

that, but I never miss

a debriefing either, yeah.

>> You should be careful with

that cyber stalking.

It could lead to digital

footprints.

You know what?

You might wanna try a good,

old-fashioned drive by.

Not that I've ever...

done...it.

Okay, okay, look, okay, maybe

once or twice I checked Keira's

email since we broke up,

but that's it.

You know, all I found was some

past due bill from Neiman Marcus

for some Uggs.

>> Good Lord!

You know what?

Now I knew y'all two were

holdin' on, but I didn't know

it was this bad.

Okay, look, the only way that

you're gonna start to heal is

just to let it go.

I mean, that's what I did

with Pookie.

>> Hallelujah.

>> Oh, oh, 'cause I heard that

he embarrassed you backstage

at the Trey Songz concert.

>> Uh-uh-uh!

Hell, now, the bigger point is

I'm fine with that, okay?

That relationship is dead.

Life goes on.

I mean, you know, unless of

course you're my daddy.

Okay, but look, y'all two,

y'all hella young.

Ya hella sexy.

Shoot, I'd be cool with turnin'

down them lights and watchin'

y'all do it right here,

right now!

>> Really?

>> Uh-huh.

Yeah, okay?

Y'all need to be out there just

havin' fun, you know, just

gettin' and givin' HPV, just--

>> Tasha!

>> What?

>> Tasha, stop.

>> What?

>> I can't.

>> Yes, you can.

They got a vaccine for it.

>> The thought of gettin' back

out there in that datin' world,

it just makes me sick to

my stomach.

Now I sit around and listen to

these women at Spadonnay talk

about how hard it is out there,

how this guy is a cheater,

that one doesn't have any

ambition, this one's

a mama's boy.

You know, I didn't think I had

to think about that anymore.

See, I beat the odds with my

successful marriage, and my

beautiful home, and my thriving

business.

I mean, a part of me felt--

> Superior?

>> Yes, and I know that makes

me sound like a horrible person,

but I'm just being honest.

I mean, I would wait for the

moment when one of those girls

was at her lowest to drop

Jason's name and talk about how

great things were with us.

And now look at me.

I'm part of one of those

hopeless single women

statistics.

>> Welcome back.

>> You know, I don't really

wanna start dating again,

either.

>> What the hell?

[snaps fingers]

Get up. Get up. Get up!

>> Okay.

>> Okay, get--

>> Hey! Hey! Hey!

>> You know what?

Right now, you need to be out

there pluggin' anything with

a heartbeat, okay, and that is

not comin' from your manager,

it's comin' from a grown-ass

woman that recognizes that

package, all right, brother.

>> Look, I am not one of those

dudes who just hits anything

movin', okay?

I mean, I could be,

if I wanted to.

But that's just not me,

all right?

I've got a lot to lose now.

I mean, what if I get some

random chick pregnant?

I can't have no baby mama.

That would ruin my life.

>> Okay.

>> No offense, Tasha.

>> Sadly, ain't none taken.

Miss Mack.

>> Miss Mack.

But you know what the scariest

part about dating again is?

What if the next girl doesn't

wanna play "Dance Dance

Revolution"?

Keira and I, we had a rhythm,

okay?

She knew when not to talk to me.

She knew when to hit me so

we could make plans for dinner.

And she loved "Dance Dance

Revolution," all right,

and I don't know if she loved

the game itself, but I think,

like me, she just...

she loved the fact that we

played it together.

It was our thing.

>> Aw...

I feel you.

>> Now I gotta wonder about

what the next girl will like--

and it could be C-SPAN.

And that's cool,

'cause I love C-SPAN.

But sometimes you just wanna

Dance Dance.

>> Oh, and sometimes I just

wanna Stab! Stab!

>> Tasha.

>> Hell, I wanna stab you, too.

I mean, the both of you,

you guys just sound so pathetic.

You're sittin' up here and

you're just clingin' onto

something that's never comin'

back, right, daddy?

[sighing]

Oh, my God, my daddy's

Oh, my God, my daddy's gone, y'all.

gone, y'all.

>> I'm here for you, Tash.

>> I'm here for you, Tash. You're not by yourself, okay?

You're not by yourself, okay?

>> BLUE: I'm here.

>> Ooh, Blue, you do have

a nice chest.

a nice chest. I'ma need you to back up.

I'ma need you to back up.

>> [knock at door]

>> [knock at door] >> [sighing]

>> [sighing]

[sighing]

What?

>> Dude, I tried to call you

a bunch of times and it went

straight to your voicemail.

I was gonna text you, but then

I realized, you know,

you wouldn't be able to

read it.

>> What do you want, Jason?

>> For you not to be ashamed

anymore.

I wanna introduce you...

What are you doing?

Come on. Come on.

I wanna introduce you to a very

good friend of mine.

>> We just met.

>> She's the 2012 Coastal

Classic Spelling Bee Champion.

>> You know what?

You done lost your mind.

>> Hold on. Hold on.

She's one of San Diego's very

own, so I guess you can say she

brought the city a championship,

too, huh, eh?

Yeah.

Malik, I'd like you to meet

Hadiyekio Mitsubishi.

Is that...did I get that right?

>> Not even close.

>> Spell it.

>> [sighing]

Hideko. H-i-d-e-k-o. Hideko.

>> Use it in a sentence.

>> Hello, Malik,

I'm Hideko Mitsunaga.

>> Congratulations.

>> No, no, no, she should be

congratulating you because

she is your new tutor.

>> My what?

>> Hanukkah?

>> Tutor. T-u-t--

>> Girl, I know how to

spell tutor and I don't need no

damn tutor, Jason.

>> Woo, we've got a fighter.

I'm gonna miss a lot of

Nickelodeon for this one.

>> Don't even try.

We already agreed on a fee.

>> You know what, Jason?

You and this little kid,

y'all better get up outta here

real quick, you hear me?

>> No, no, this has gone on

long enough.

For God sake, you're in

your 30s.

You can't read.

>> I can read!

>> That's denial yelling at

me right now.

>> You know what?

I'm so sick of you acting like

you're better than me.

I'm gonna put your ass on

I'm gonna put your ass on the spot and see how you are.

the spot and see how you are.

Here, read this, right now,

cold, no mistakes, go!

>> [reading]

"Segway instructions, step one.

"Congratulations on the purchase

of your new Segway."

Oh, look, they have it

in German, too.

[speaking German]

[laughing]

Oh, no, and they have Mandarin.

It's been a while, but...

What the hey.

[speaking Mandarin]

>> [heavy thud]

>> Malik! Malik!

>> MALIK: [screaming]

>> Yeah, that's right.

I just grabbed your testes.

I didn't wanna have to grab

your testes, but you left me

no choice.

>> [groaning]

>> I'm trying to be your

friend, Malik.

>> You are not my friend,

damn it.

You're just like everybody else.

>> Everybody else grabs

your testes?

>> Get out, Jason!

>> Get out, Jason! >> Where's Haiku?

>> Where's Haiku?

>> Where's Haiku? Haiku?

Haiku?

What are you--

Yeah, yeah, I grabbed his

testes.

I'm not proud of it.

It's just something that

happened.

You know you're not gettin'

paid, right?

>> TASHA: [laughing]

Delete.

>> Okay.

>> Oh. No. Delete, please.

>> For sure?

>> Hell, yes, girl.

>> Okay.

The trash chute is officially

full and FYI--you should really

take your diapers out more

regularly, Miss Mack.

>> Hm?

>> It's a smell that doesn't

leave you.

>> You know what?

We're gettin' rid of the last

bit of trash right now.

>> Mm-hm.

>> Delete.

Oh, watch my daddy.

>> All right, goodbye, T1,

goodbye retirement jersey.

>> Yeah.

>> Ooh, goodbye Jason's penis.

>> Oh!

>> Goodbye, Jason's penis.

Goodbye, Jason's penis.

Damn!

I got a lot of pictures of

Jason's penis on my phone, huh?

>> Girl, you know what?

Let me see this, girl.

I'll be damned.

It's yellow, just like

everything else.

[laughing]

>> Gimme that phone.

>> Oh, God.

Okay, Blue.

All right, you're next.

>> Nah, I ain't got no pictures

of Jason's penis.

>> TASHA: [laughing]

>> But I'm ready to do this.

All right, here we go.

All right.

Oh, y'all, I can't delete

this one.

This was right after

my first game.

Yeah, Keira came down on the

field after and she said she was

proud of me for almost hittin'

a home run.

[laughing]

>> Will you stop with all

the romanticizin', okay?

I don't know why when people

break up, they just only wanna

talk about the good times.

>> We had a lot of good moments.

>> Okay, but you had some bad

ones, too.

What about all that fightin'

y'all did over that Woody Allen

brawl?

And then y'all was fightin' over

who slept with Ciara.

Oh, and then fightin' over

that big penis-faced guy from

"Baggers."

What else is there then?

>> Those are horrible moments.

>> I know, okay, but they were

also the majority of your

relationship, okay?

You add all that up, that's

why the relationship didn't

work out.

Look, I know y'all loved each

other, but it just wasn't

a good fit, and maybe she saw it

before you did, so I mean,

really, in truth, she smoked

it out.

What?

Come on, Blue.

Hell, I can side-eye with

the best of 'em.

>> Look, all right, I can't deny

what you're saying.

All right, maybe I did stay

in there too long.

But sometimes it's hard to just

pull the plug when you're in

a relationship.

I don't know if it was fear

or if it was just, you know,

the fact that you don't trust

there's something waiting around

the corner for you.

>> You know what?

You need to see the silver

lining in all this, baby.

You didn't marry her.

I mean, hell, you could be

looking at an ugly ass divorce,

okay, or have been married for

30 years prayin' who's gonna die

first, hopin' that it's you.

>> She ain't lyin'.

>> Okay, you've got a second

chance, baby, okay?

Now you know what you want

and what you don't want

in a woman.

You'd better take that time

and find her.

So, are you ready to delete

some pictures, Blue?

Come on. Come on.

>> Yeah. Get it.

>> Woo.

Deleted.

>> Chardonnay!

>> What?

>> You just deleted every

single photo.

>> Yes.

>> No, it--

I studied abroad in Greece.

There are pictures of my

grandma's 90th birthday

on there.

I have pictures of Jason's penis

on here.

>> Ooh!

>> In case I needed to

blackmail him.

>> Let you tell it.

>> CHARDONNAY & TASHA:

[laughing]

>> You need to delete that.

>> You already did.

>> TASHA: Chardonnay, I'm sure

it's just a little picture

it's just a little picture anyway. [laughing]

anyway. [laughing]

>> DRAKE: ♪ Know your worth --

♪ My actions been

♪ Louder than my worth --

♪ How you so high

♪ But still down to Earth --

♪ If -- wanna do it

♪ We can do it on they turf --

♪ Oh Lord

♪ I'm the rookie and the vet

♪ Shout out to the --

♪ Out there holdin'

♪ Down the set

♪ All up in my phone

♪ Lookin' at pictures

♪ From the other night

♪ She gon' be upset

♪ If she keeps scrollin'

♪ To the left, dawg

♪ She gon' see some pictures

♪ She don't wanna see

♪ She ain't ready for it

♪ If I ain't the greatest

♪ Then I'm headed for it

♪ Yeah that mean I'm way up

♪ Yeah

♪ The 6 ain't friendly

♪ But it's where I lay up

♪ This -- a -- layup

♪ I been Steph Curry

♪ With the shot--

>> [knock at door]

>> ♪ Been cookin'

♪ With the sauce, chef

♪ Curry with the pot, boy

>> [knocking continues]

>> ♪ 360 with the wrist, boy

♪ Who the -- them -- is, boy

♪ OVO man

♪ We really with the -- boy

♪ Yeah really with the --

>> If you're here to apologize

for Jason, I don't accept.

>> That's not why I came.

>> Monsters.

>> ♪ I be on

♪ My little mouse drill --

♪ -- all that

♪ Rap-to-pay-your-bills --

♪ Yeah I'm on some Raptors

♪ Pay-my-bills --

♪ All up on TV

♪ I thought

♪ It'd make me richer

♪ Wasn't payin' me enough

♪ I needed something quicker

♪ So now I'm all in

♪ Niko's basement

♪ Puttin' work

♪ In on the phones

♪ Either that or--

>> MALIK: [turns down volume]

>> KELLY: [sighing]

Look, Malik, I know how

condescending Jason can be.

Most of the time, he doesn't

understand what it's like for

people who didn't grow up

with money.

>> [laughing]

Yeah, he still don't believe

there's such a thing as

a grilled cheese sandwich.

>> BOTH: [laughing]

>> He doesn't understand us.

>> Us?

Come on, Kelly, really now?

>> Need I remind you that

I grew up in a trailer park.

I am very familiar with grilled

cheese sandwiches.

>> Hm, okay, what kinda cheese?

>> American.

>> What color?

>> Yellow.

>> Continue.

>> Look, my whole life, people

have looked down on me because

I didn't speak properly--Jason

included, and I've never told

anyone this before, but when

I was young, I got bussed to

Encino for school.

Have you ever been there before?

>> Unh-unh, but it sounds

horrible.

>> It is--when you're white

trash from Rosita.

>> [laughing]

>> They weren't used to girls

like me sayin' things like,

all's I'm sayin'.

>> So, what did you do?

>> [sighing]

>> I worked out.

>> So you could beat they ass?

>> So I could distract them.

See, once people started

noticing my looks, they started

forgetting how I talked

and where I came from.

So that's where I put all my

time and attention.

I started working out seven

days a week.

I always wore make-up.

Hell, it's why after all these

years, I got these--twice.

I became a slave to my own

hotness.

>> Wow.

>> Yeah.

It's a weight that I've carried

around for 30 years, and though

there's been some perks,

it's been really tiring for me.

Now I don't know your whole

story, but I don't want that for

you--not because you have

a hard time reading.

>> I don't have a hard time

reading, Kelly.

I can read my ass off.

Sometimes I just get caught up

when I have to read something

cold and on the spot.

That's what happened at

the funeral today.

I just wasn't prepared.

>> I mean, I could barely tell.

It's the right thing to say.

>> Look, when I'm not prepared,

I get really nervous.

I started looking at the words

jumping around on the page.

I started looking at everybody

looking at me, thinking they're

laughing at me and they're

judging me.

>> Why are they judging you?

>> Because I'm a stereotype.

>> What?

>> That's a word I was really

afraid of before I even knew

what the word meant.

Single mom.

Growin' up in the 'hood.

Everybody lookin' at me like I'm

stupid--right out the gate.

And the only way I can get them

to shut up was when I started

throwin' that football.

Then everybody got real quiet.

They just started passing me

along from one grade to the next

grade to the next grade because

everybody wanted me back on

that damn field, Kelly.

>> Monsters.

Look, Malik...

[sighing]

All I know is there are other

kids out there that are going

through what you went through

and they could really use

your help.

>> Yeah.

So now are we doin'

a When I'm Grown commercial?

>> [laughing] No.

We should do something,

don't you think?

>> ♪ There's something

♪ Inside me

♪ Nobody can take

♪ Nobody can touch

♪ Nobody can break

>> You sure you wanna do this?

>> Yep.

You guys let go of a lot of

things tonight.

So now it's time for a daughter

to do the same.

>> ♪ Nobody but me

>> [glasses clinking]

>> ♪ I've got a notion

♪ Nobody can dream

>> Daddy always was

the outdoors type.

>> ♪ Nobody can sing

>> So, now, he'll always

be close.

>> Look down in the street.

See what's goin' on.

>> God, you deleted

the contacts, too?

This thing has basically

no point.

>> Really?

>> Bye, daddy.

>> ♪ There's something

♪ Inside me

♪ Nobody can take

>> Fly, daddy! Fly!

All the way up to Heaven.

And don't you take no

for an answer.

Bye, daddy!

>> ♪ There's something

♪ Inside me

♪ Nobody can see

>> TASHA: I love you.

>> ♪ Nobody but you

>> ♪ Nobody but you ♪ Nobody but me

♪ Nobody but me

♪ Nobody but me ♪

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