Original subtitles

KNOW WHEN YOU'REAT THE FERRARI DEALERSHIP

AND THEY'RE, LIKE, "SIR, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT TWO WEEKS

FOR A CANARY YELLOW."

MAN, IF I WANTED TO WAIT TWO WEEKS,

I'D HAVE GOT A LEXUS.

WAIT, HOLD FOR APPLAUSE.

- WHAT YOU DOIN', PRETTY RICKY?

- OH, JUST PRACTICING FOR OPEN MIC AT THE COMEDY CLUB.

- WHAT? OPEN MIC?

[laughs] THAT'S CRAZY.

WHAT IF YOU REALLY DID THAT?

YOUR BIG ASS SITTING UP THERE TELLING JOKES.

[laughs] THAT'S INSANE.

OH. YOU'RE SERIOUS. YOU WASN'T BEING FUNNY?

- NO, OF COURSE NOT.

THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT MY COMEDY, TASHA.

- OH. OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

OKAY, SO THIS IS, LIKE, YOUR IMAGINARY AUDIENCE.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OVER HERE, I GOT DAVID HASSELHOFF.

- OH, OKAY.

- AND THEN OVER HERE, WE GOT EDDIE MURPHY.

AND THEN, OF COURSE,

RIGHT IN THE CENTER IS BARACK AND MICHELLE.

- OH, OKAY.

OKAY, LOOK, NOW SEE LITTLE MALIA AND LITTLE SASHA.

- NO, NO, THEY CAN'T BE THERE.

I'M ABOUT TO TELL THIS JOKE ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON'S ASS.

SHE GOT A NICE ONE.

- [laughs] THAT'S FUNNY.

- YEAH--HEY, YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME MORE OF MY STUFF?

- YEAH, SURE. - OKAY, COOL.

ALL RIGHT. MIC CHECK, MIC CHECK.

- [laughs]

- YO, HASSELHOFF, COME ON, BUDDY--MAN, SIT DOWN.

WE GET IT, YOU HAD A COOL CAR.

[laughs]

SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PUT

A BASKETBALL PLAYER TOGETHER WITH A BABY?

DOUBLE DRIBBLE.

[laughs] GET IT?

'CAUSE BASKETBALL PLAYERS DRIBBLE AND BABIES DRIBBLE,

SO YOU PUT THE TWO TOGETHER...

- YOU WANT TO HAVE SOME MORNING SEX?

- MM, OKAY.

[aggressive rock music]

♪

- MORNING, SUNSHINE.

- OH!

[gasps] GIRL--

- [chuckles]

- I FORGOT YOUR ASS WAS HERE.

- CLEARLY, 'CAUSE ALL I'VE BEEN HEARING

FOR THE PAST TWO HOURS

IS YOUR HIGH-PITCHED MOANING AND GROANING.

OH! MOUNT ME LIKE A PONY, BABY!

- GIRL, THAT WASN'T ME. THAT WAS RICK.

- OH. MY BAD. TASHA, I'M SORRY.

I CERTAINLY DIDN'T MEAN

TO INFRINGE ON YOUR HONEYMOON PHASE.

- [scoffs] CHILD, PLEASE.

WHAT HONEYMOON?

GIRL, RICK'S BEEN SOUL-SEARCHING, OKAY?

HE'S TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE'S GONNA DO

FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

NOW HE'S GOT THIS CRAZY-ASS IDEA

THAT HE WANTS TO PARLAY HIS HUMOR

INTO A DAMN COMEDY CAREER.

- IS HE FUNNY?

- WELL, I MEAN, NOT THE WAY YOU WOULD THINK.

HE'S FUNNY LIKE A FALSE-POSITIVE HIV TEST.

- OH.

- I'M STARTING TO THINK I CHOSE WRONG.

- STOP IT.

YOU DUMPED POOKIE FOR HIM.

YOU MADE YOUR CHOICE.

YOU CAN'T JUST JUMP SHIP 'CAUSE YOU'RE UNHAPPY.

THAT'S NOT HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK.

- OH, OH, THIS IS COMING FROM THE SAME GIRL

WHO JUMPED OFF OF JASON'S DINGHY

AND THEN SWAM ON OVER TO MY CRUISE SHIP,

THE S.S. TASHA MACKEREL.

- OKAY, THIS IS DIFFERENT.

I COULDN'T SIT AROUND AND WATCH JASON KILL HIMSELF.

BUT YOU CAN SIT AROUND AND LISTEN TO A COUPLE OF BAD JOKES.

- YOU AIN'T HEARD HIS JOKES.

- WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY TO BE A LITTLE BIT MORE SUPPORTIVE.

I MEAN, HE MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO BE A LITTLE BIT MORE POSITIVE?

KIND OF LIKE THAT FALSE HIV TEST OF YOURS.

[laughs]

- OKAY.

- WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- TO POUR MYSELF ANOTHER SCALDING CUP OF COFFEE

SO I CAN JUAN VALDEZ YOUR ASS.

[football audience cheering]

- BRYCE WESTBROOK CATCHES THE BALL AT THE 50.

- NICE.

- OUTRUNS THE SECONDARY IN THE 40,

CONTINUES DOWN TO THE 30,

THE 20--

- UH, SO WHEN MARIE CLAIRE READERS HEARD

WE WERE DOING A "DAY IN THE LIFE" FEATURE ON YOU,

THEY WENT BANANAS AND SENT IN, LIKE, A BAZILLION QUESTIONS.

- [giggles]

- SO THIS READER, FORMERELMOFAN24,

WANTS YOU TO TAKE US THROUGH YOUR TYPICAL MORNING ROUTINE.

- OH, WELL--

[clears throat]

RECENTLY I'VE BEEN WAKING UP EARLY TO DO YOGA.

- MM.

- I BELIEVE, YOU KNOW, THE MIND AND THE BODY

SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE TEMPLES.

- AREN'T THOSE CHILI FRIES?

- UH, YEAH, WELL, THE TEMPLE'S CLOSED TODAY

ON ACCOUNT OF THE GAME.

IT'S, LIKE, A HOLIDAY FOR MY BODY.

- IRONICALLY, YOUR RITUAL SOUNDS LIKE

IT MIGHT BE INFLUENCED BY YOUR NEW BOO.

WESTBROOK'S BEEN KNOWN TO LEAD A VERY HEALTHY, ZEN LIFESTYLE.

- YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT COUPLES,

AFTER A WHILE, THEY START TO ACT AND LOOK ALIKE.

- HAVEN'T YOU ONLY BEEN TOGETHER A WEEK?

- UH, WELL, NO.

IT'S ACTUALLY BEEN A LITTLE BIT LONGER THAN THAT,

BUT WE JUST ANNOUNCED IT PUBLICLY A WEEK AGO.

- BUT YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD WE'RE ON THIS SUBJECT

BECAUSE A LOT OF OUR READERS WANT TO KNOW MORE

ABOUT THIS HOT NEW CELEBRITY COUPLE, "BLEIRA."

- [laughs]

YEAH, WE WERE GONNA GO WITH "KLUE"

BUT FIGURED WE WERE LEAVING OURSELVES OPEN FOR JOKES.

I MEAN, EVEN IF YOU LOVE ALLITERATION,

YOU HAVE TO GO A LONG WAY

TO COME UP WITH A PUN FOR "BLEIRA."

- "BLEIRA, BLEIRA, ON THE WALL,

WHO'S THE MOST SELF-ABSORBED COUPLE OF THEM ALL?"

- OH, MAYBE WE WERE WRONG.

- SO HOW DO YOU THINK HE'S GONNA DO TONIGHT?

- UH, WELL, GREAT.

I MEAN, HE HAS HIS GOOD LUCK CHARM.

- WHAT'S THAT? DIRTY SOCK?

OLD JOCK STRAP? RATTY PAIR OF BOXERS?

- NO. ME.

[football audience cheering]

- BREAKS INSIDE...

AND DROPS THE WIDE OPEN UNCONTESTED PASS FROM WRIGHT.

A LOOK OF UTTER DISGUST

IS WRITTEN ALL OVER WESTBROOK'S FACE.

[football audience boos]

I GUESS HE DIDN'T HAVE HIS GOOD LUCK CHARM WITH HIM TODAY.

- YIKES.

- THAT BALL WAS TOO EASY TO HANDLE.

- I GUESS YOU DIDN'T VISUALIZE

THAT WHEN YOU WERE MEDITATING THIS MORNING.

- ANDHAS BEEN TAKEN OUT ON JASON PITTS.

- NOW HIS COMEBACK MAKES SENSE,

'CAUSE HE'S GONNA DIE ON THE FIELD THIS SEASON.

- [laughs]

LET'S GET TO THE BIG STORY.

- SO TODAY THE SABERS ENDURED ANOTHER DEVASTATING LOSS,

AND APPARENTLY THE FANS ARE BLAMING

WESTBROOK'S NEW LOVE INTEREST,

THE FORMER TEEN STAR KEIRA WHITAKER.

- OUCH!

SOMEBODY PLEASE UN-INVITE THIS CHICK TO THE GAMES!

- YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE KEIRA WHITAKER

JOINS THE RANKS OF OTHER CURSED CUTIES.

JESSICA SIMPSON, GISELLE BUNDCHEN, EVELYN LOZADA.

AND VIRTUALLY EVERY FEMALE REALITY STAR ON VH1.

- HEY, NO OFFENSE, LADIES.

YOU STILL LOOK HOT IN THEIR JERSEYS.

- [growls] OH, MY GOD!

- HEY, HEY, HEY! JUST IGNORE IT.

- HOW CAN I IGNORE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HATING ON US?

INSTEAD OF CALLING US, "BLEIRA,"

THEY'RE CALLING US, "BLAH."

- BABE, PEOPLE WILL GRASP ONTO ANYTHING

TO MAKE SENSE OF A LOSS.

DON'T LET THEM SUCK YOU IN.

HEY, COME HERE.

COME ON, COME ON.

AW, BOO-HOO.

[chuckles]

LOOK, THIS IS SOME SUPERSTITIOUS CRAP

THAT WILL BLOW OVER AS SOON AS WE WIN OUR NEXT GAME.

AND YOU'LL GO RIGHT BACK TO BEING IN THE STANDS

AND EATING YOUR CHILI CHEESE FRIES.

AND WE'LL GO BACK TO BEING, "BLEIRA," YOU'LL SEE.

- ACTUALLY I WON'T.

I HAVE TO GO TO L.A. AND DO SOME PRESS STUFF,

SO UNFORTUNATELY I WON'T BE HERE TO TEST OUT

YOUR LITTLE THEORY.

- WATCH, NOW I'M GONNA LOSE

BECAUSE MY GOOD LUCK CHARM'S NOT IN THE STANDS.

[cheering]

- WE'RE BACK, BABY!

- YES, SIR!

AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THIS MAN RIGHT HERE, BABY!

WELL, HIM AND ME.

OKAY, IT'S MOSTLY ME! HA!

- [laughs] YEAH! WHOO!

I'M ONLY 20% BLACK!

[laughter]

WELL, ACTUALLY IT'S MORE LIKE 25%.

'CAUSE ON MY MOM'S SIDE, MY GRANDMOTHER'S INDIAN.

YO, ISN'T MATH, LIKE, CRAZY FUNNY?

[laughter]

- OOH, GIRL, LOOK AT THIS.

SEE? YOUR MAN IS KILLING IT.

WITH YOUR SUPPORT, RICK CAN DO ANYTHING.

- GIRL, PLEASE.

HONEY, THEY AIN'T LAUGHING AT RICK 'CAUSE HE'S FUNNY.

THEY'RE LAUGHING 'CAUSE I PAID THEIR ASSES.

- YOU'RE LYING.

- LOOK, FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS,

THESE IDIOTS WILL LAUGH AT ANYTHING.

- WOW.

- WHAT?

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME I NEEDED TO BE MORE SUPPORTIVE!

- YEAH, BUT NOT LIKE THIS.

I MEAN, WHY IS THE FIRST PLACE YOU GO TO ALWAYS A LIE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

HELL, SOME PEOPLE GO OFF TO WAR.

OTHER PEOPLE RUN OFF AND SELL THEIR BODIES.

I LIE, OKAY?

DO I TAKE PRIDE IN IT?

NO, ALL RIGHT?

BUT IT'S A WARM AND COMFORTABLE PLACE FOR ME.

IT'S LIKE OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE.

- WELL, YOU BETTER HOPE RICK DOESN'T FIND OUT

YOU WENT TO OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE TONIGHT,

BECAUSE HE MIGHT JUST CRUSH YOUR BLOOMING ONION, HONEY.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU BETTER SHUT YOUR BLOOMING ONION AND LAUGH.

- SO HE'S GONNA WRITE THE TICKET,

AND I'M, LIKE, "PLEASE OFFICER,

I'M NOT ACTUALLY BLACK AT ALL!"

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, HOLD UP, GUYS.

HOLD UP, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

A TOAST TO THE SECOND MOST TALENTED,

SECOND FASTEST, SECOND MOST IMPRESSIVE MAN ON THIS TEAM.

- TO MALIK WRIGHT, Y'ALL.

[laughter]

- OKAY. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?

HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, ALL RIGHT?

TO THE MAN OF THE HOUR.

TO THE REASON WE CAN ALL HOLD OUR HEADS UP HIGH TONIGHT.

TO THE REAL LEADER ON THIS TEAM.

TO MYSELF.

[laughter]

SERIOUSLY, DOG.

BLUE, YOU DID AN AMAZING JOB, BROTHER.

- THANKS.

- TO BLUE! all: TO BLUE!

- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

- YOU KNOW THAT'S 'CAUSE YOKO WASN'T THERE, RIGHT?

- [laughs]

- YO, WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

- I THINK HE'S REFERRING TO YOUR LESSER HALF,

BETTER KNOWN AS THE, "AH," IN "BLAH."

- WOW! WOW, I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU, MALIK.

I THOUGHT KEIRA WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR GIRL.

- DOG, SHE IS MY GIRL, OKAY?

BUT LOOK, I FOR ONE BELIEVE IN THE AGE-OLD TRADITION

OF SUPERSTITION IN SPORTS.

LOOK, WHY DO Y'ALL THINK JORDAN WORE HIS NORTH CAROLINA SHORTS

UNDER EVERY SINGLE UNIFORM BEFORE HIS GAMES?

WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE DON'T SHOWER

BEFORE EACH CHAMPIONSHIP GAME?

- NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT'S TRUE.

BECAUSE NORMALLY, I SHAVE COUNTER-CLOCKWISE

BEFORE EACH GAME.

AND TWO GAMES AGO, I SHAVED CLOCKWISE.

MY ASS ENDED UP ON THE BENCH.

[all laugh]

- NEGRO, YOUR ASS IS ALWAYS ON THE BENCH, OKAY?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE I WOULD GET MORE PLAYING TIME

IF I SHAVED YOU COUNTER-CLOCKWISE.

- [groans]

Y'ALL NASTY.

- OH, HERE COMES SCHLEPROCK NOW.

- HEY, DUDE, RELAX.

MY GIRL BRINGS ME NOTHING BUT GOOD VIBES.

- OH, HI, BABY!

[glass shattering]

- OH! - WHAT THE HELL?

- I'M REALLY SORRY.

- I TOLD YOU.

- NO, IT'S--UM, IT'S GOOD.

DON'T...

[knock on door]

UH, WHO IS IT?

- IT'S ME, BABE.

I CAME TO GIVE YOU A PRE-GAME GOOD LUCK KISS.

- [sighs] MWAH!

HEY, THANKS FOR THAT.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, ALL RIGHT?

- [laughs] DUDE, STOP PLAYING.

LET ME IN.

MY FEET HURT IN THESE SHOES.

- WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHANGE INTO SOME SHOES

YOU DIDN'T BUY FROM THE GROCERY STORE.

[chuckles]

- UH, WHAT?

- OH, IN FACT, INSTEAD OF COMING TO THE GAME,

WHY DON'T YOU BUY YOURSELF A NEW PAIR?

MY TREAT.

- THIS IS ABOUT THAT SUPERSTITIOUS CRAP, ISN'T IT?

DO YOU THINK I'M A JINX?

- I MEAN, I DON'T NOT THINK YOU'RE A JINX.

- FINE. WHATEVER!

YOU KNOW, I MIGHT NOT HAVE WENT TO STANFORD,

BUT I KNOW WHAT A DOUBLE-NEGATIVE IS,

AND I AIN'T NEVER BEEN DISRESPECTED LIKE THIS.

SO SCREW YOU!

YOU DON'T WANT ME AT THE GAME, I WON'T GO.

IN FACT, I WON'T EVEN WATCH IT.

SO PEACE OUT AND GOOD LUCK!

- [groans]

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

- UNH!

- WHOA! HEY, HEY! I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT?

SOME OF THE GUYS JUST GOT INTO MY HEAD.

- WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THAT,

"DON'T LISTEN TO THEM, JUST IGNORE THEM," CRAP?

- I KNOW, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S JUST--LOOK, IT'S HARD TO KEEP IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD

WHEN EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT IT.

- [scoffs]

- YOU'RE HURT, AND I'M SORRY.

I WAS BEING STUPID.

SO...

HEY, HOW ABOUT A GOOD LUCK KISS?

- NO. TOO LATE.

OH, AND FYI, I WILL BE GETTING SOME NEW SHOES.

RED BOTTOMS WITH THE MATCHING HANDBAG, ALL YOUR TREAT.

HAVE A GOOD GAME.

- HEY, WHAT...

- MM-HMM.

- TASHA, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU COMING WITH ME

TO WATCH THE GAME ON THE DL.

'CAUSE, GIRL, YOU KNOW I'M TRYING

TO BOYCOTT JASON'S FOOTBALL CAREER.

- GIRL, ANYTHING TO UNDERMINE THAT ALBINO, OKAY?

AND PLUS, YOU KNOW WHAT?

GIRL, THEY DON'T KNOW ME HERE LIKE THEY DO AT THE STADIUM.

SO THAT MEANS THEY DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SAY WHEN.

- RIGHT? - BARTENDER?

KEEP IT COMING, BABY.

I KNOW YOU'RE A LITTLE SLOW.

[laughs]

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, BRACE YOURSELVES.

- WHAT?

- I GOT GREAT NEWS.

- WHAT, BABY?

- SO GUESS WHO'S 6'8"--

- MM-HMM.

- AN EX-LAKER. PRETTY AS HELL.

AND GOING ON TOUR?

- METTA WORLD PEACE.

- WHAT? NO. ME.

LOOK, I FIGURED AFTER MY PERFORMANCE THE OTHER NIGHT,

THE NEXT OBVIOUS THING TO DO

WOULD BE TO HEADLINE A COMEDY TOUR.

- OBVIOUSLY.

- SO I CALLED SHAQ UP, AND HE SAID I COULD USE HIS BUS.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- WELL, RICK, I THINK IT'S, UM...

DAMN, I THINK IT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

- YEAH, ME TOO.

SO I WAS MAKING A LIST OF SOME COMEDIANS

WHO MIGHT BE A GOOD FIT TO GO ON MY TOUR.

AND I WAS THINKING--WELL, ME.

- YEAH.

- DAVE CHAPELLE.

UH, JERRY SEINFELD.

AND OF COURSE, IT'S NOT A PARTY WITHOUT ROCK.

YOU KNOW, MY CONTEMPORARIES.

I'M THINKING OF CALLING IT "THE GODS OF COMEDY."

- BABY, DON'T YOU THINK YOU MIGHT WANT

TO START OFF JUST A LITTLE SMALLER?

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE A SECOND SHOW?

- FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.

- MM-HMM.

- 'CAUSE I ACTUALLY JUST BOOKED THE OPEN MIC NIGHT

DOWN AT THE COMEDY CLUB.

- OKAY, RICK, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU BOOKED OPEN MIC?

IT'S OPEN MIC.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS JUST SIGN IN ON THE SIGN UP SHEET.

- WELL, IT'S IN A BOOK.

- OH.

IT'S IN A BOOK.

OKAY, I NEED ANOTHER DRINK. YOU KNOW WHAT?

MATTER OF FACT, BRING THE BOTTLE.

- BLUE, BLUE!

IS THERE ANY CREDENCE

TO YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND KEIRA WHITAKER

BEING YOUR BAD LUCK CHARM?

- ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I JUST HAD A BAD GAME.

THERE'S NOBODY TO BLAME HERE BUT ME.

OH, AND MALIK. MOSTLY MALIK.

[Rihanna's Lost In Paradise]

- ♪ HOW WAS I TO KNOW

♪ MY LOVE WAS DELUSIONAL

♪ OOH-OOH

♪ SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW TO MEND

♪ A BROKEN-HEARTED SOUL

♪ IN LOVE WE ALL WILL FALL

♪ BUT WE FELL A LITTLE HARDER

♪ WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

♪ WITH THIS HEART

- SO WHO HERE LIKES PIZZA?

COME ON.

NO ONE HERE LIKES PIZZA?

COME ON, PEPPERONI.

ANCHOVIES?

CHEESE?

OKAY, NOW Y'ALL ARE JUST BEING MEAN.

OKAY, FINE, NO PIZZA.

MONEY. EVERYBODY LOVES MONEY.

- I KNOW I DO, HONEY.

- OKAY?

- SO I WAS AT THE BANK THE OTHER DAY

TRYING TO DO A WIRE TRANSFER, RIGHT?

AND THIS LADY, SHE SAYS, "SIR, YOU CAN'T WIRE $20 MILLION."

WOMEN. RIGHT, FELLAS?

CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM.

CAN'T GET THEM TO WIRE YOU $20 MILLION, RIGHT?

HELLO? IS THIS THING ON?

- DUDE, DUDE, YOU SUCK.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR 20 MILLION.

JUST GIVE US OUR 20 BUCKS BACK.

[laughs]

- YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO WITH YOUR 20 MILLION?

HIRE SOMEBODY TO SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE.

[laughter]

- HEY, TALK MORE ABOUT THE PIZZA!

- HEY, HEY, HEY!

LOOK, BALDING WHITE MAN, SHUT UP!

[laughter]

DAMN, DON'T YOU SEE THIS BROTHER UP HERE TRYING TO WORK?

HELL, HE DON'T COME DOWN TO YOUR JOB--

OH, MY BAD, YOU DON'T HAVE ONE!

[laughter]

SO THANKS FOR SAVING US THE TRIP!

AND YOU! REALLY? I MEAN, REALLY?

DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON YOU.

THANK YOU, BABY. YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO OPEN UP YOUR DAMN MOUTH.

YOU SEEN HIS MOUTH? HE'S GOT A DAMN GUMMY SMILE.

JUST, HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR!

[laughter]

HE'S GOT A DAMN MOUTH FULL

OF SOME TINY, ROTTEN LITTLE PIG TEETH.

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON YOUR LOVER.

- THIS IS MY SON, GENIUS.

- OH, OKAY, HE'S YOUR SON AND YOUR LOVER, OKAY!

[laughter]

DID YOU TEACH HIM ANY STANDARDS?

YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY?

DON'T FEEL BAD, 'CAUSE YOU GOT A NICE HAIRCUT.

YOU DO, IT'S CUTE.

WHO GAVE IT TO YOU? DEXTER?

[laughter]

'CAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A SERIAL KILLER!

DON'T HE? THEY ALL GOT IT.

HELL, YOU'RE JUST LATE.

[laughter]

OH, MY GOD, I'M SORRY.

RICK! BABY!

WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL, I'M TASHA MACK.

TIP YOUR WAITRESSES, ALL RIGHT?

DON'T GET NOTHING ON YOU ABOUT THAT LIFE!

- OH, YEAH!

[cheers and applause]

- HAD TO STEAL MY THUNDER, HUH?

- RICK, COME ON, NOW.

YOU KNOW THOSE PEOPLE. THEY ARE NOT HERE FOR ME.

THEY CAME TO SEE YOU, BABY.

all: [chanting] TASHA!

TASHA! TASHA! TASHA! TASHA!

- LOOK, I'M SORRY, RICK--

WAIT, SINCE WHEN DID YOU BECOME A WINO?

- SINCE I BECAME A STRUGGLING COMEDIAN.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

WE STROLL BACK AND FORTH BACKSTAGE HERE

DRINKING HARD LIQUOR AND GRIPING ABOUT OUR SETS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A THANKLESS TASK

TRYING TO SPREAD HUMOR TO THE MASSES.

[coughs]

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I SUGGEST YOU GET ACCUSTOMED TO THE COMEDIAN LIFESTYLE,

SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY DECIDED TO BECOME A COMEDIAN.

- RICK, COME ON, I WAS JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOU OUT THERE.

- SAVE ME?

- YES.

- TASHA, DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU

THAT GIVEN THE APPROPRIATE AMOUNT OF TIME,

I COULD HAVE SAVED MYSELF?

- REALLY?

YOU WERE 14 MINUTES INTO A 15-MINUTE SET.

YOU'RE SECONDS AWAY FROM A MAN COMING OUT

IN SOME DAMN TAP SHOES AND SWEEPING YOU OFF THE STAGE!

- OH, I COULD HAVE BROUGHT THAT AUDIENCE BACK AND KILLED!

YOU SAW ME THE OTHER NIGHT.

THEY LOVED ME.

- YES, BECAUSE I PAID THEM, RICK.

- YOU WHAT?

- I PAID THEM, RICK.

I TOOK A BUNCH OF HOBOS AND CHEAPOS DOWN TO GOODWILL,

AND I CLEANED THEM UP.

I TOLD THEM I'D GIVE THEM A COUPLE OF HOURS OF WARMTH

AND SOME POCKET CHANGE IF THEY...

LAUGHED AT YOUR DAMN JOKES.

- I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

- YOU'RE NOT FUNNY, RICK!

AND I'M NOT HAPPY!

LOOK, I'M SORRY, OKAY?

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF

THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE AND GET BETTER,

BUT I'M JUST NOT CONVINCED ANYMORE.

I THINK I MIGHT HAVE MADE THE WRONG CHOICE.

- [chuckles]

YOU'RE NOT HAPPY WITH RICK FOX.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, SWEETHEART.

BEING WITH YOU HASN'T BEEN A CAKE-WALK EITHER.

I STOOD BY YOU AND DEALT WITH YOUR DRAMA,

YOUR DISRESPECT, YOUR LIES.

BUT IN HINDSIGHT, YOU WERE SO NOT WORTH IT.

- [gasps]

- AND NO MATTER HOW BAD MY COMEDY IS,

AT THE END OF THE DAY, I'M STILL RICK FOX!

BUT YOU'RE JUST SOME MIDDLE-AGED LOUD, OBNOXIOUS WOMAN

WHO HAS QUESTIONABLE FASHION SENSE

AND HAS NO IDEA HOW TO USE A PREPOSITION!

- OKAY, LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU, OKAY?

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU.

RICK, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY, THAT'S IT.

- YOU DON'T WANT TO BE HAPPY.

NOT WITH ME, NOT WITH YOUR EX-CON BOYFRIEND.

NOT WITH ANYONE!

- [sighs]

- I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU FIGURE OUT WHY

BEFORE YOU END UP ALL ALONE IN LIFE.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0