Original subtitles

OKAY I WOULD LIKE

TO THANK TASHA MACK

FOR LETTING ME HOST

THE SUNBEAM MEETING AT HER PLACE,

AS MINE IS CURRENTLY INVOLVED IN A LITTLE BANK SNAFU.

- WHAT IS A BANK SNAFU?

- GIRL, THAT'S BLACK IN KOREAN FOR "IN FORECLOSURE."

- OOH.

- NOW, THIS MEETING WAS CALLED

SO THAT WE COULD WELCOME THE NEW FACES,

OR AS I WOULD LIKE TO CALL THEM, SUN RAYS,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE NOT QUITE A BEAM YET.

UM, BEFORE WE GET STARTED,

I WANT ALL MY RAYS TO RAISE THEIR HANDS

SO WE ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

MM-HMM. - HEY, GIRLS.

- WOULD ANY OF YOU RAYS LIKE TO SAY A FEW WORDS?

- OOH, I WOULD.

WELL, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW,

I'M CHARDONNAY, JASON PITTS' WIFE.

- WIFE NUMBER TWO. - HUH?

[laughter]

- GOOD O - LAST ONE.

RIGHT.

AND I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I HAVE HEARD SO MUCH

ABOUT THE AMAZING WORK

THAT THE SUN BEAMS DO IN THE COMMUNITY,

AND I REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO BEING A PART OF IT

AND TAKING THE FIRST STEP.

- OH. WELL, HERE'S STEP ONE:

RED CUP, Y'ALL!

[laughter]

- SINCE I'M NOT REALLY WITH BLUE BUT I AM KIND OF A CELEBRITY,

I'M AFFILIATED WITH A BUNCH OF NONPROFITS

THAT I'D BE HAPPY TO HOOK YOU UP WITH.

- OKAY, WELL, WHAT I WANT IS FOR Y'ALL

TO SHUT YOUR BLABBERY ROOKIE MOUTHS

SO I CAN MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ORDER OF BUSINESS.

[upbeat electronic music]

COCKTAIL TIME!

WELCOME TO THE SUNBEAMS, Y'ALL!

[cheering]

- WHAT?

- [shrieks]

[cheering]

- YOU DID NOT JUST THROW THIS MUSTY-ASS SHIRT ON ME.

PUT YOUR DAMN CLOTHES ON.

[aggressive rock music]

♪

- ♪ YOU CAN'T STOP ME STARING, UNDERSTAND AND LET YOU KNOW ♪

♪ YOU ALREADY KNOW

♪ I'M YOUNG, FLY, FLASHY

♪ YOUNG, FLY, FLASHY ♪

♪ YOUNG, FLY, FLASHY

♪ YOU KNOW THAT I BE YOUNG

♪ I'M YOUNG-- [music stops]

- WHAT THE HELL?

- THE HELL IS, I FIND IT HIGHLY DISRESPECTFUL.

YOU COMING INTO MY HOME-TEL WITH A BUNCH OF STRIPPERS

WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A "MAY I?"

- I AM THE SUNBEAM PRESIDENT.

I DON'T HAVE TO ASK ANYTHING.

- OH, IN MY HOUSE, YOU DO.

NOW, LOOK, THESE YOUNG GIRLS DON'T WANT TO JOIN THE SUNBEAMS

TO HAVE A BUNCH OF BISEXUAL CROTCHES

ALL UP IN THEY FACES.

SO IF YOU'RE HALF NAKED, OILED UP,

AND YOU SMELL LIKE BLOW POP,

YOU GOTS TO GO.

COME ON, NOW.

GO ON.

MM-HMM. GET YOUR G.E.D.

OOH.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, NOW GET BACK TO THIS DAMN MEETING.

AIN'T GOT STRIPPERS IN HERE WITHOUT ASKING.

- WELL, I GUESS I CAN TALK ABOUT

MY BORING EXPECTATIONS FOR THIS SEASON.

WELL, WE REALLY GOT TO STEP UP THE SKYBOX.

THAT MEANS NO JERSEYS, NO SWEATS, NO HATS.

all: MM. - THAT'S RIGHT, LADIES.

IF YOUR HAIR AIN'T DID, STAY AT THE CRIB.

AND DON'T LET ME CATCH YOU IN A PAIR OF SHOES

THAT AIN'T SIX INCHES OFF THE GROUND.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO THE EARRINGS,

BIGGER IS NOT ALWAYS BETTER.

[chuckles]

JUST PLAYING.

BIGGER IS ALWAYS BETTER.

[phone line trilling]

- BABY, I REALLY CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.

BLUE IS GETTING HIS BOYS HANDED TO HIM.

- NOW, BABY, THESE HACKS ARE CRAY.

- ONE WHISTLE BLOW...

- NOW, I'M PRETTY SURE I CAN BE A FOOTBALL WIFE

WITHOUT BEING A SUNBEAM.

- NO, NO, BABY, I TOLD YOU: YOU GOT TO REPRESENT, OKAY?

- [sighs]

- I'M OVER HERE RE-BLAZING TRAILS.

I NEED YOU TO SET FIRE TO THE SUNBEAMS.

KELLY WAS PRESIDENT OF THE SUNBEAMS.

JUST SAYIN'. LOVE YOU. GOT TO GO. BYE.

- YOU'RE SANDBAGGING IT OUT THERE, BLUE.

YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE TERM "SANDBAGGING"?

IT'S NOTHING SEXUAL.

IT REFERS TO GUYS WHO ACTUALLY AREN'T GIVING THEIR ALL

IN ORDER TO HUSTLE YOU LATER ON DOWN THE ROAD.

- COACH, I'M NOT SANDBAGGING. - OKAY.

SANDBAGGING CAN BE SEXUAL.

[laughter]

BUT RIGHT NOW,

LET'S FIGURE OUT WHY IN THE HELL YOU'RE STINKING UP MY FIELD.

[cheering]

all: OH!

- YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY OPEN A WINDOW.

THIS KID REEKS OF UNFULFILLED EXPECTATION.

[all laughing]

- UH-OH.

- PIED PIPER.

- IT'S THE THANKSGIVING TURK.

WHO YOU COMING TO GOBBLE GOBBLE?

- SORRY TO INTERRUPT, COACH.

I NEED TO GRAB SAMPSON.

- OOH.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, DOG.

MAYBE HE'S JUST COMING TO VALIDATE YOUR PARKING, YOU KNOW.

- UH, GET YOUR PLAYBOOK.

all: OH.

- MAYBE NOT.

- SEE YOU AROUND, MAN.

- YOU'RE GOOD.

[phone line trilling]

- HEY, SUGAR BOOGER.

UH-HUH.

MM-HMM.

OKAY.

UM...

UH, NEW GIRL.

YEAH, YOUR LAST NAME IS SAMPSON, RIGHT?

- YES.

- OH, WELL, I REGRET TO INFORM YOU

THAT YOUR HUSBAND HAS JUST BEEN CUT FROM THE SABERS

AND YOU WILL NOT BECOME A MEMBER OF THE SUNBEAMS.

- OOH.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- I AM NOT.

UM, THERE'S THE DOOR.

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR RED CUP

AND YOUR COPY OF THE SUNBEAM BYLAWS.

- NOW THAT'S COLD.

- THAT'S REAL. - THAT'S COLD.

- GIVE ME THAT.

HAVE A NICE LIFE.

[mouthing words]

- WOW.

YOU KNOW, AS AN ACTRESS,

I GO THROUGH THE SAME KIND OF INSTABILITY.

- WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.

YOUR MAN'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE,

NOT WITH ALL OUR TEAM'S RESOURCES IN HIS BANK ACCOUNT.

Y MAN.

- SPEAKING OF PEOPLE TAKING UP ALL THE MONEY,

WHAT ABOUT JASON'S ASS?

- WHAT ABOUT JASON'S ASS?

- GIRL, WE JUST BANTERING.

- DON'T BANTER ABOUT MY--

- LADIES, LADIES, LADIES.

Y'ALL JUST RELAX.

LET IT GO. LET IT GO.

ALL THIS DAMN BICKERING BACK AND FORTH--

I'M TELLING YOU,

I BLAME THAT ON YOUR LACK OF LEADERSHIP.

YES. OKAY?

WHEN KELLY WAS HERE, WASN'T NONE OF THIS GOING ON.

HELL, WE'D BE DRINKING OUR PINOT GRIGIO,

SINGING KUMBAYA.

OKAY?

OR AT LEAST HEY, SOUL SISTER.

SEE, KELLY PITTS, THAT GIRL LOVED HER SOME DAMN TRAIN.

- OKAY. LADIES, LOOK.

AND I'M NO KELLY PITTS,

'CAUSE, SEE, I PREFER CHRIS BREEZY.

YOU FEEL ME? I KNOW YOU DO.

- YES.

- BUT, YOU KNOW, I JUST FEEL LIKE EVERYBODY IS JUST ON EDGE.

NOW, I KNOW THIS IS A STRESSFUL TIME--

YOU KNOW, FINDING OUT WHO'S GONNA MAKE THE TEAM,

WHO'S NOT,

SO I JUST WANT TO DO MY PART

IN STRENGTHENING THIS ORGANIZATION

BY OFFERING UP A GIRL'S NIGHT AT MY HOUSE.

IT'S JUST A COZY LITTLE SPOT ON THE BEACH.

WE CAN ALL RELAX AND DE-STRESS AND BOND.

OOH, AND I'LL HAVE MY AMAZING AESTHETICIANS FROM SPADONNAY.

THAT'S MY BUSINESS.

- NO. HELL, NO.

- NO, I DON'T DO SLUMBER PARTIES.

I DON'T DO SLEEPOVERS.

- THERE WILL BE WINE.

[all talking at once]

- I'M IN THERE TRYING TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY,

AND EVERYBODY IS LAUGHING AT ME.

THIS IS MY CAREER, MAN.

I DON'T NEED THIS FROM A BUNCH OF LOSERS.

- UM, YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT A LOSER IS.

THESE GUYS JUST WON A CHAMPIONSHIP.

THAT KIND OF MAKES THEM THE OPPOSITE OF LOSERS.

IT'S GONNA GET BETTER, MAN.

COME ON.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- [laughs]

- OH, THAT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE YOUR NAME IS BLUE,

AND THEN WE'RE, LIKE, SABER BLUE.

IT JUST WORKS ON SO MANY LEVELS.

all chanting: BLUE! BLUE! BLUE!

- YO, WHAT?

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE GONNA FIGHT THE WHOLE TEAM OVER A PRANK?

- YES! - NO, NO. NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T.

ONE, YOU'RE A LITTLE LIGHT IN THE ASS,

TWO, THIS IS WHAT GOES ON AT TRAINING CAMP.

- CHILDISH-ASS PRANKS?

- YES, PRANKS,

STUPID TALENT SHOWS, MOVIE NIGHTS.

ANYTHING TO BREAK UP THE CRAZINESS

OF WHAT GOES ON OUT ON THE FIELD.

IT'S CAMP LIFE, MAN.

YOU GOT TO JUST GO WITH IT.

- THEY EVEN PAINTED OVER CATCHER IN THE RYE.

- KINDLE IT. - IT'S A FIRST EDITION!

- "IT'S A FIRST EDITION."

LISTEN TO YOURSELF, YOU NERD.

SIT DOWN, MAN.

SIT DOWN.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE VETS DID TO ME WHEN I WAS A ROOKIE?

HMM?

THEY HAD A CHOO-CHOO WITH MY COLLEGE SWEETHEART, STACY,

TOOK PICTURES,

MADE A COLLAGE.

YOU DON'T GET MAD. YOU GET EVEN.

OKAY?

HUH?

OH!

[laughter]

COME ON. I'M NOT A ROOKIE.

YOU STUPID IDIOTS.

MY NAME'S NOT YELLOW.

OH, OH, OH, LIKE HOT YELLOW.

- TOUCHDOWN!

- OKAY. YEAH, I GET IT.

I GET IT. IT'S LIKE A HATE CRIME.

OKAY.

GOOD ATTEMPT.

IT'S NO STACY, THOUGH.

BY, GIVE ME THE RED,OKAY?

MY MAN LOVE HIM SOME RED.

- OOH, NOW, WHICH MAN ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

RICK OR POOKIE?

- WHOA, WHOA. - OH.

- GIRL, OUT IN THESE STREETS.

I SHOULD KILL YOU.

- AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I SHOULD KILL YOU AND RICK FOR MESSING UP MY GOOD SHEETS

THE LAST TIME Y'ALL WAS HERE.

- OH, BABY, IF THEM WAS YOUR GOOD SHEETS,

YOU WELCOME.

- UH, HUSH.

- [laughs]

HOW YOU AND YOUR NAKED PRINCE OH, SO LIDOING?

- HE IS NOT MY MAN.

- OOH, ALL RIGHT, LGIRL, HE'S HANDSOME,

HE THE NUMBER-ONE DRAFT PICK, AND HE'S PAID.

HA!

I'M TELLING YOU, GIRL,

THAT MAN AIN'T GONNA BE ON THE MARKET LONG.

- LOOK, I'M SURE WOMEN ARE LINED UP AROUND THE CORNER

TO GET WITH HIM,

BUT WE'RE JUST FRIENDS, AND I'M DOING MY FRIEND A FAVOR.

- "JUST FRIENDS"? - YES.

- "JUST FRIENDS. JUST FRIENDS."

YOU REMIND ME OF MELANIE, GIRL.

"I'M A DOCTOR. I'M A DOCTOR."

YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY IT, THAT DON'T MAKE IT SO.

- HEY, YOU, LITTLE MISS STUCK TOGETHER.

YOU WERE NOT INVITED TO GET YOUR TOES DONE YET.

- COME AGAIN?

- DON'T GET FRESH.

LAST TIME I CHECKED, THERE WAS A HIERARCHY,

AND ROOKIES WENT LAST,

SO IF THERE'S ANY POLISH LEFT OVER,

THEN YOU CAN GET YOUR NAILS DONE.

- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, SNOOKI.

- LADIES, LADIES, LADIES, CHILL.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF KELLY PITTS WOULD'VE DONE THIS,

BUT, UH, I MADE SURE

THERE WERE ENOUGH AESTHETICIANS TO GO AROUND

SO ALL THE SUNBEAMS COULD BE SERVICED AT THE SAME TIME.

- OH, WE GOT A MATH WHIZ, DO WE?

WELL, HERE'S A PROBLEM FOR YOU.

WHAT DOES ONE EMPTY CHAMPAGNE GLASS

PLUS ONE EMPTY CHEESE PLATE EQUAL?

A WHOLE BUNCH OF IRRITATED VETERAN SUNBEAMS.

- YES, WITH THIS JANKY-ASS PARTY

WITH THESE JANKY-ASS MANICURES.

I CAME HERE EXPECTING SOME MINX DRAGON TALONS,

AND I'M WALKING OUT OF HERE IN SOME VIRGIN-PINK NAILS.

IS THERE ANYTHING VIRGIN ABOUT ME?

- NO. - THANK YOU.

I WAS ABOUT TO GO TO BED, MAN.

- FOR REAL, MAN.

- YEAH, AND I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF WATCHING GOOD WIFE.

WHAT?

I SMASHED A COUPLE CHICKS IN THE CAST, DOG.

JUST A LITTLE TV ASS.

- HEY, GOOD EVENING, GENTLEMEN...

AND JUVON.

FIRST OFF, I INVITED YOU HERE, NOT COACH SPARKS.

YO, I BELIEVE YOU GUYS GOT TOGETHER YESTERDAY

TO PLAY A PRANK ON ME.

[chuckles]

YOU PAINTED MY ROOM BLUE.

MY NAME IS BLUE.

IT WAS VERY CLEVER.

I'M SURPRISED I DIDN'T RUN INTO SOME OF YOU

IN THE HALLS OF STANFORD.

NOW, AFTER SPEAKING TO MY WISE OLD MENTOR,

IT WAS SUGGESTED THAT I DON'T GET MAD;

I GET EVEN.

SO WHILE YOU WERE OUT AT BREAKFAST

OR REHEARSING FOR YOUR LITTLE TALENT SHOW,

I WAS DOING CHARITY WORK.

MATHEY'RE DOWNTRODDEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

PLEASE, FOR A BRIEF MOMENT,

GO AND ENJOY SOME OF THE CREATURE COMFORTS

THAT THESE MULTIMILLIONAIRES TAKE FOR GRANTED.

YOU READY, CAMERA GUY?

GOOD.

ENJOY THE SHOW, SABERS.

GO ON.

GET OUT OF HERE.

- I GOT A BAD FEEL - YO, THOSE MY SLIPPERS?

- WHAT'S UP?

- NO, NO, NOT MY SLIPPERS.

- OH! OH.

- IS THAT MY ROOM?

- DUDE, HE'S IN YOUR ROOM.

- YO, I THINK THAT'S MY ROOM.

- AH, MAN.

YO, I JUST BOUGHT THAT MOUTHPIECE, MAN.

THIS IS SO DISRESPECTFUL.

- YO, THAT'S WRONG, MAN.

THAT'S MY MOUTH--

all: OHH!

- WHAT?

HE'S A BULLY, MAN.

- NO, NO!

- HEY, YO, THAT'S MY TOOTHBRUSH.

- IS THAT YOUR BED?

- THOSE ARE MY WIFE'S PANTIES.

- WHAT?

- NO, I DON'T WEAR 'EM.

IT'S NOT LIKE THAT.

SHE LEFT ME. IT'S ALL I GOT LEFT.

- FOR REAL? - HE'S A DEAD MAN.

- SO IS HIS MENTOR, MAN.

- OH, OH, YEAH.

I THINK HIS MENTOR IS JERRY RICE.

THAT BASTARD.

[pounding on door]

- OPEN UP. - HEY, OPEN THIS DOOR!

- GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!

- COME ON, YOU DIRTY BASTARD.

- WE'RE ALLCOME BACK LA.

I'M FEELING A LITTLE BLUE TONIGHT.

- OH, WORD?

[wood cracks]

- HEY!

[crashing]

- HEY. - HEY.

- SO HOW'D YOU GET INTO SPORTS MANAGEMENT?

- UNPROTECTED SEX. - OH.

- OKAY, GIRL, DON'T COME OVER HERE,

TRYING TO SMALL TALK ME, TOOTY, ALL RIGHT?

I KNOW YOU JUST TRYING TO AVOID DRAMA...

- YO, KEIRA TACO BELL.

- AND THAT DRAMA'S RELENTLESS.

- YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A STUCK TOGETHERMARATHON ON

THE OTHER NIGHT.

I COULDN'T STOP WATCHING IT.

USED TO BE MY FAVORITE SHOW BACK IN THE DAY.

YOU WERE SO CUTE THEN. - THANK YOU.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- EXCUSE ME?

- YOU KNOW, ALL THOSE CHILD STARS

START OUT ADORABLE...

- MM.

- AND THEN END UP WITH A BRICK TO THEIR FACE.

[laughter]

- REALLY? BRICK TO THE FACE?

I'MA SHOW YOU BRICK TO THE FACE, YOU LITTLE--

- NO WAY.

- SHE KNOW I'M THE PRESIDENT, RIGHT?

- LADIES, WE'RE GONNA NEED THE PATIO, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

GIRL, YOU ALMOST WENT HAM IN THERE.

- HELL, YES.

DON'T LET THE CUTE FACE FOOL YOU FOR ONE SECOND.

AIN'T NO CRAZY LIKE CHILD STAR CRAZY, TRUST ME.

ASK THE OLSEN TWINS.

THEY TRIED TO STEP TO ME ONE GOOD TIME,

AND I BEAT BOTH OF THEIR ASSES.

I'M BANNED FROM THE WARNER BROS LOT

TILL THIS DAY,

ME, KENAN, AND KEL.

WE USED TO TERRORIZE THAT PLACE.

WE SET FIRES.

- GIRL, YOU GOT TO BREATHE.

T THESE WOMENDISTRACT YOU

FROM WHY YOU REALLY HERE, GIRL.

THEY JUST A BUNCH OF MEAN, NASTY,

HAGGARD-ASS FOOTBALL WIVES

THAT THINK JUST BECAUSE THEY GOT A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY,

THEY CAN BULLY PEOPLE.

BUT NO, NO.

THESE CHICKS AIN'T GONNA SCARE ME,

BECAUSE IF THAT LITTLE CHEERLEADER

KELLY PITTS CAN RUN THESE WOMEN,

CHARDONNAY CAN RUN WITH THESE WOMEN.

YOU FEEL ME?

BUT, SEE, THE KEY IS

TO DO IT WITH COMPOSURE AND DIGNITY.

DON'T LET THESE WOMEN DRAG YOU TO UGLINESS, OKAY?

- YES. I'M GONNA SHAMPOO.

- AND DIGNITY. - AND DIGNITY.

- ALL RIGHT, NOW, LET'S GO ON BACK IN.

COMPOSURE, DIGNITY.

LET'S GO.

- Y'ALL KNOW I WAS SEXTING JASON FIRST.

[laughing] I COULD'VE HAD ALL THIS.

BUT MY DECOR WOULD DEFINITELY HAVE BEEN BETTER.

FOR ONE, I DEFINITELY WOULD'VE PUT A BLACK CERAMIC PANTHER

IN THAT CORNER, OKAY?

- I'M SORRY, JAZZ,

BUT, UM, ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MY JASON?

- YEAH. WE DID HAVE A BRIEF STINT BETWEEN THE SHEETS.

KNOWING HIS CHEAP-ASS,

HE PROBABLY STILL GOT THE SAME ONES ON HIS BED.

- NO, HE DON'T.

- I KNOW YOU AIN'T COMING UP HERE,

TALKING ABOUT MY HUSBAND.

[women yelling]

- COMPOSURE AND DIGNITY, CHARDONNAY.

COMPOSURE AND DIGNITY! - SAY SOMETHING ELSE!

URE AND DIGNITY,CHARDONNAY!

SOMEBODY HELP!

- TASHA, GET ON!

- OH, HELL, THAT'S ME.

LOOK, NOW, CUT IT OUT.

STOP. THAT'S ENOUGH.

STOP IT.

CUT IT OUT!

STOP.

ENOUGH!

- HELL, NO. THIS HEIFER'S OUT OF LINE.

- THAT'S PRESIDENT HEIFER TO YOU!

- HEY, HOLD UP! ENOUGH, Y'ALL!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

ALL OF Y'ALL ARE JUST MAD AND SCARED

ABOUT YOUR MAN GETTING CUT,

AND YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO BLAME.

AND, JAZZ, WOULD YOU SHUT YOUR SILLY ASS UP

AND APOLOGIZE TO CHARDONNAY?

- CHARDONNAY, I'M SORRY I SMASHED YOUR HUSBAND.

- MM.

AND I'M SORRY YOU'RE SUCH A SKANK.

- APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

- ALL RIGHT, VICKY,

DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO KEIRA?

- NO, BUT I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO MY HUSBAND

ABOUT YOU CRAZY TRICKS.

- THE HELL YOU DO.

INFORMATION ABOUT THIS NIGHT DOES NOT BLOW THAT WAY.

HEARING ABOUT SOME DAMN CATFIGHT...

LOOK, THOSE MEN ARE OUT THERE IN TRAINING CAMP RIGHT NOW

FIGHTING FOR YOUR LITTLE CUSHY-ASS LIVES.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WASN'T GONNA SAY ANYTHING

ABOUT WHAT I'VE BEEN SEEING HERE LATELY,

BUT I'M SORRY.

THE WHEELS HAVE FALLEN OFF OF THE SUNBEAM BUS,

AND SOMETHING GOT TO CHANGE.

NOW, FOR ONE, ALL Y'ALL NEW-SCHOOL SUNBEAMS,

YOU NEED TO START ACTING LIKE THE OLD SCHOOL.

SEE, BACK IN THE DAY, WE WASN'T CARRYING OURSELVES

LIKE THEM DAMN CRAZIES YOU SEE ON LOVE & HIP-HOP.

NO, WE CONDUCTED OURSELVES AS UPSTANDING WOMEN

WHO WERE LOOKED UP TO IN THE COMMUNITY.

SO WHERE Y'ALL AT?

HUH?

'CAUSE I GOT APB OUT ON HORNY, SUBSERVIENT BLONDES

AND SACRIFICING, BOURGIE-ASS MED SCHOOL STUDENTS

WHO UNDERSTAND THE GAME.

AND WHITE WINE.

DAMN IT, I MISS ME SOME KELLY AND MELANIE.

- WOW.

- SO HERE'S TO ME...

THE LAST WOMAN STANDING.

MM!

OH, HELL. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

AND THE NEW SUNBEAM PRESIDENT.

ANY OBJECTIONS?

DAMN WELL BETTER NOT BE.

THIS MEETING'S ADJOURNED.

- DUDE, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, MAN?

BUMS?

- [muffled speech]

- BUMS? - [muffled speech]

- WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. YOU GOT BUM GERMS IN YOUR MOUTH.

- [muffled speech]

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY.

LOOK, IT'S LIKE A SMURF HAD A NOSEBLEED.

- [muffled forced laugh]

- OH, MY GOD.

AGH!

- UNTIE ME, JASON.

- OH, WHY? WHY? SO YOU CAN GO GET THOSE GUYS?

- HELL YEAH! - SO HOW'S THAT GO?

WHAT, THEY GET YOU, YOU GET THEM, THEY GET YOU?

AND IT JUST GOES ON AND ON,

AND NONE OF IT'S HELPING YOU PLAY BETTER.

- MAN, THIS ISN'T ABOUT MY PLAY.

THIS IS ABOUT A BUNCH OF JEALOUS CLOWNS

TRYING TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER BY MESSING WITH A ROOKIE.

- STOP MOVING AROUND. IT'S WAFTING.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'LL HOLD UP IN COURT,

BUT I CAN TELL YOU THIS:

IF YOU WERE PLAYING WELL,

YOU'D BE BUDDY-BUDDY WITH EVERYBODY IN HERE.

YOU'D BE LAUGHING, HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE.

both: OH, AH!

- HEY, I'LL KILL YOU FOOLS! WATCH IT!

I GOT BOTH OF YOU.

- WE GOT HIM GOOD. LOOK AT HIM SQUIRMING.

AH.

NOW, YOU SEE, THAT'S HOW YOU PLAY THIS GAME.

CHAD AND ANDY MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH,

BUT THEY WILL NEVER KNOW THAT, 'CAUSE I'M A TEAM PLAYER.

LOOK AT YOU.

YOU WEREN'T EVEN WEARING ANY OF THE STUFF THEY PAINTED BLUE.

YOU THINK I LIKE WALKING AROUND HERE

LOOKING LIKE BIG BIRD IN PEE YELLOW?

YOU KNOW, I THINK ONE OF THOSE DUDES--

I THINK ONE OF THEM ACTUALLY PEED ON THIS.

- NO, THAT'S THE HOBO CLOTHES.

- THAT'S A GOOD-- THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE.

THE POINT IS THIS:

AS A TEAM PLAYER, I'M WEARING IT,

AND I'M WEARING IT WITH PRIDE.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'M NOT A TEAM PLAYER, JASON.

I'M A LEADER.

I WAS A LEADER IN POP WARNER, I WAS A LEADER IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND I WAS A LEADER IN COLLEGE.

- HOMEY, THIS IS THE PROS.

EVERYONE HERE IS A LEADER.

WE WERE ALL NUMBER ONE IN POP WARNER,

IN HIGH SCHOOL, IN COLLEGE.

- ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT JU-- - I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT JUVON.

LOOK, YOU COME IN HERE WITH THIS ATTITUDE

LIKE YOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE.

YOU START ISOLATING YOURSELF,

YOU CAN KISS YOUR CHANCES OF SUCCESS GOOD-BYE.

YOU NEED THOSE GUYS TO SURVIVE.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO,

BUT YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO BECOME A PART OF THIS TEAM

BEFORE YOU ARE NOT A PART OF THIS TEAM.

YOU FEEL ME?

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT MANY SKID MARKS

ON ONE PAIR OF UNDERWEAR.

[cheering and hip-hop music]

♪

[cheers and applause]

- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

GREAT JOB, ROOKIES!

IS THAT IT? SHOW'S OVER?

- YEAH, I THINK SO. - ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THEN, I WANT Y'ALL TO WRAP THIS UP PROPERLY,

LIKE YOU GOT A PAIR HANGING UP UNDER YOUR SKIRTS.

LET'S GO.

- AND THAT CONCLUDES

THE ROOKIE TALENT SHOW FOR THE SAN DIEGO SABERS!

[cheers and applause]

- HOLD UP. YO! YO!

HOLD UP. HOLD UP.

LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A LATE ENTRY, BOYS.

LATE ENTRY.

- WHAT'S GOING ON? TURN OFF THE LIGHTS...

- ♪ MY NAME IS BLUE

♪ BALLS I KEEP A-DROPPIN', I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪

♪ BALLS, THEY KEEP A-FLOPPIN' UP AND DOWN THE FIELD ♪

♪ EVERYONE IS TIRED

♪ OUR COACH IS SCREAMING

♪ "BLUE, YOU'RE GONNA GET FIRED" ♪

♪ I MIGHT HAVE TO FALL BACK ON MY STANFORD EDUCATION ♪

♪ I HOPE IT HELPS ME FIND A POTENT VACCINATION ♪

♪ FOR THIS RASH

♪ I THINK IT'S A-SPREADING

♪ DOWN MY ASS

♪ I LEARNED MY LESSON

♪ PLEASE

- YEAH!

[applause]

- BLUE!

BLUE!

- [laughs]

SEE, THAT KID'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL HIS MENTOR IS, THOUGH.

THAT GUY'S A BASTARD.

MIGHT BE T.O.

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