Original subtitles

- ♪ 3:45 A.M. CAN'T SLEEP, CAN'T DREAM ♪

♪ I'M STUCK MONEY PROBLEMS POP UP ♪

♪ HOW WILL I SURVIVE?

♪ GUESS IT'S BEST TO DECIDE NOT TO DECIDE ♪

♪ SO THAT'S MY DECISION WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS ♪

♪ I KEEP MAKING MY MILLIONS

♪ CAN SEE MYSELF AT PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN DINNERS ♪

♪ BUT I'M PASSING BLUNTS AROUND ♪

- OH-HO, YES. WHAT?

MALIK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THE FLAT SCREEN JUMPING OFF, THE CUSTOM PAINTING?

THIS IS HOW YOU DO TRAINING CAMP.

- YEAH, BUDDY. ALL RIGHT, GEEKS, HEY.

GET THEM BOXES OUT OF HERE, MAN.

- WOW.

HEY, YO, WHERE'S MY BED?

- OH, YEAH, DOG.

YOU KNOW, I HAD TO SMOOSH 'EM TOGETHER.

- WELL, WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?

- YOU GET TO SLEEP ON TOP OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ORIENTAL.

- OH, WE DOIN' HOOKERS IN HERE?

- [laughs]

THE RUG, STUPID.

BUT YES, WE ARE.

- YEAH.

- [grunting]

- AND THE ROOKIES USUALLY ROOM WITH ROOKIES,

BUT SINCE BRYNN LEFT ME,

NONE OF THE OTHER GUYS WANT TO ROOM WITH ME.

THEY CLAIM I CRY IN MY SLEEP.

[scoffing]

NAH, "B."

WHEN I'M AWAKE, YEAH.

BUT WHATEVER.

EXCUSE ME, MAN, I'M AWAKE.

[crying]

- HEY, YO, HOT SAUCE.

YOU GOT A EXTRA BED?

NEVER MIND.

DANG, ROOKIE.

IF YOU WERE GOING FOR A THIRD-WORLD COUNTRY LOOK,

I THINK YOU KIND OF NAILED IT.

- MAN, WE ONLY HERE FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS, ALL RIGHT?

- STILL GOT TO BE FLY.

I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR STOCK SHEETS,

STOCK MATTRESS, STOCK PILLOW.

THAT KIND OF WACK, MAN.

I GUESS YOU DECIDED TO GO

FOR THE "I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT IN THE LEAGUE" PACKAGE, HUH?

HMM.

YOU DON'T HAVE A SUNBEAM, DO YOU?

- WHAT?

OF COURSE, I HAVE A SUNBEAM.

[scoffs]

DO I HAVE A SUNBEAM?

MAN, GET OUT OF HERE.

- WAIT, HOLD UP.

YOU NEVER EVEN HEARD OF A SUNBEAM, HAVE YOU?

- NO IDEA.

- IT'S A BROAD,

THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK OUT OF YOU,

GET YOU THE STUFF YOU NEED SO THAT YOU CAN BE IN TOP FORM

WHEN YOU HIT THE FIELD.

- OH, SO, OBVIOUSLY,

NEITHER YOU NOR SAUCE HAS A SUNBEAM?

- [sobbing]

- MY BAD, MAN.

- THAT'S COOL.

SAY WHAT YOU WANT, OKAY?

MY GIRL SENT ME OFF WITH SILKY SHEETS,

EXTRA BOTTLES OF LOTION, AND NONSCRATCHY T.P.

- WHAT?

YOU BROUGHT YOUR OWN TOILET PAPER?

- MALIK BROUGHT HIS OWN TOILET.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IF YOU WANT,

I CAN GIVE YOU HELP GETTING YOU SOME TOILET PAPER.

- ALL RIGHT, YEAH, SURE.

- YO, FELLAS,

WE GOT A ROOKIE THAT NEEDS HELP

WITH SOME TOILET PAPER.

[laughter]

- HEY!

HEY, COME ON, MAN!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HEY!

THIS ISN'T FUNNY, JUVON!

- YOU CAN THANK ME LATER.

- [muffled shouting]

[aggressive rock music]

♪

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

- GO!

- NO! DAMN IT!

- 52 RED RIGHT.

[whistle blows]

COME ON, MAN!

- THAT IS IT! MOVE!

- GO. GO.

- HA.

- AH, COME ON!

[all groaning]

COME ON, YOU'RE KILLING ME.

COME ON, SOMEBODY PUT SOME GLUE ON BLUE'S HANDS.

- THAT BLUE IS GREEN!

- BLUE!

WILL YOU CATCH THE DAMN BALL, BOY?

YOU ARE MAKING ME LOOK BAD. - ME?

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S LEADING WITH THE PASS.

- YEAH, WHO THE HELL YOU TALKING TO?

- TALKING TO YOU!

- GET OVER HERE, BLUE. GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!

LET ME GET BACK OUT THERE.

- NO, YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T "GOT THIS."

ONE WHISTLE BLOW MEANS

YOU GET YOUR ASS ON THE SIDELINES.

TWO WHISTLE BLOWS MEANS WE STOP WHATEVER WE'RE DOING

AND WE START OVER.

THREE WHISTLE BLOWS...

WELL, THAT MEANS I'M GETTING RAPED.

DAMN IT!

YOU BROUGHT ME BACK TO THAT NIGHT.

[whistle blows]

- THIS WHO THEY TRADED DERWIN FOR?

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

25 MIL TO DROP PASSES.

WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

[indistinct chatter]

- BABY BLUE.

SO WHAT'S UP, MAN?

IS THIS, LIKE, LIKE YOUR THING?

HOLDING BACK LIKE THIS?

- JASON, I'M NOT IN INTERVIEW MODE

RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH, YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY IN FOOTBALL MODE EITHER.

LET ME HELP YOU OUT.

YOU SEE THIS BIG GREEN THING?

THIS IS A FOOTBALL FIELD.

NOW, WHEN THE FOOTBALL IS THROWN ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD,

YOUR JOB IS TO GET TO IT AND CATCH IT.

HMM?

WHAT'S THE ARM THING?

YOU'RE, LIKE--

YOU LOOK LIKE A T-REX BEING HELD AT GUNPOINT.

YOU'RE NOT IN COLLEGE ANYMORE, MAN.

YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR THE BALL TO COME TO YOU.

THIS IS THE PROS.

YOU GOT TO TAKE IT.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

LOOK AT THOSE LONG-ASS ARMS. USE 'EM, MAN.

YOU GOT TO EXTEND YOUR ARMS, SNATCH THE BALL.

EXTEND AND SNATCH, DUDE.

- IT'S THAT EASY, HUH?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING REAL QUICK.

MALIK.

I'M GONNA RUN A DEEP POST.

LET'S DANCE LIKE NO ONE'S WATCHING.

AND YES, THAT IS THE NAME

- BABY BLUE.

- SET...

GO!

[upbeat music]

♪

[crowd cheering]

- [laughing]

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, J-MAN.

YOU AIN'T MISSED A STEP, BABY,

- OH, STOP IT. STOP IT, MALIK, MAN.

- OH, OH! AND YOU DID IT IN HUSH PUPPIES!

HA!

- I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING. DIDN'T STRETCH EITHER.

- HEY, YOU FEEL LIKE SHOWING THESE YOUNGSTERS HOW IT'S DONE?

- DUDE.

- OOH! - AH! LET'S GO, BABY!

HEY, MA, LET ME GET TEE TEE ON.

- ALL RIGHT.

- YO, T.W., YOU READY, DOG?

- YEAH, YEAH.

JUST LET ME GET MY UNDERWEAR ON REAL QUICK.

AH, OKAY. GO AHEAD.

- YO, WE GOT PROBLEMS.

IT SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE THROUGH THE SUNBEAM HOTLINE.

YOUR BOY IS A BUST.

- BUSTA RHYMES. - DOUBLE DUTCH BUST.

- BUST A MOVE.

- ♪ IN GOD WE BUST HA!

- I GET IT!

- OKAY, OKAY, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE

WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.

- BUST THE MAGIC DRAGON.

- IT'S BAD, MA.

I'VE BEEN IN THIS GAME FOR A LONG TIME.

AND DUDE DOES NOT HAVE IT.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RHAT'S GOIN WITH YOUR BOY AT CAMP?

WHAT? HE HOMESICK?

LONELY? DEPRESSED? HE GOT A MAMA?

- ALL I KNOW IS THEY GAMBLED ON THE NUMBER ONE DRAFT PICK,

AND THEY LOST.

I WAS JUST GONNA SAYTHAT WE CAN'T AFFORD

TO HAVE A LOSING SEASON IF WE REBRANDING YOU THIS YEAR:

MALIK 2.0.

- UH, EXCUSE YOU.

BUT WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO FIT YOUR BEAK

INTO OUR BUSINESS BUSINESS?

ALL RIGHT, YOU ONLY HERE FOR THE COMIC RELIEF,

BUSTER BROWN.

- GET ON THE BUST.

[laughter]

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GLAD Y'ALL ENJOYING Y'ALL SELVES.

THAT THE BOY IS LACKING IN THE SUPPORT SYSTEM CATEGORY.

OKAY, HE'S A CASTAWAY ON A ISLAND ALL BY HIMSELF.

NOW, WHAT HE NEEDS IS A WILSON,

A.K.A., SUNBEAMS.

ALL RIGHT?

NOW, I'M ON IT.

BOUT DAT LIFE.

- OKAY, LOOK, NO DISRESPECT TO YOUR MOMS,

BUT ONE, SHE OD'ING ON "BOUT DAT LIFE."

WE TRYING TO MAKE THIS YEAR ITON A SUNBEAMS FIX.

WE NEED TO WIN ANOTHER CHAMPIONSHIP

SO EVERY FACET OF MALIK CAN BE ON POINT.

- WELL, THEN I NEED TO HAVE SOMEBODY

TO THROW TO THEN, TEE TEE.

WE NEED A PLAN "B."

- YEAH, AND I'M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU,

BUSTER KEATON.

COME ON, MAN, HE WAS A SILENT FILM STAR

IN THE '20s.

THEY CALLED HIM THE GREAT--

H OUT, BEYONCE.

COMING FOR YOU, NICKI.

COMING FOR YOU, J.LO.

[knocking at door]

- YES. NICE JOB.

[knocking]

- OKAY, GOD.

- HEY, DIMPLES.

GIRL, HOPE WE DIDN'T CATCH YOU AT A BAD TIME.

YOU GOT A SECOND TO TALK?

- AH, YEAH, SHE GOT A SECOND.

I'M THE SUNBEAM PRESIDENT.

I DIDN'T JUST COME DOWN HERE

JUST TO SAY, "I'M THE SUNBEAM PRESIDENT."

- UH, HOW DID YOU GET PAST THE DOORMAN?

- UM, LET'S JUST SAY I MIGHT HAVE SHOWN HIM MY BOOBS.

OKAY, GIRL, LOOK,SORRY FOR THE POP-UP, ALL RIGHT?

BUT WE NEED YOUR HELP.

OKAY, BLUE'S HAVING A TOUGH TIME AT TRAINING CAMP

AND COULD REALLY USE SOME SUPPORT.

- I'M NOT SURE WHAT THAT HAS TO DO WITH ME.

- TRICK, THAT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

AND WE'RE NOT ASKING; WE'RE TELLING.

THIS IS ABOUT OUR MONEY.

THIS IS BOUT THAT LIFE.

- EXCUSE ME?

- UH, JAZZ, FIRST OF ALL,

YOU NEED TO BE NICE, OKAY?

AND SECONDLY, LEAVE "BOUT DAT LIFE"

OUT YOUR MOUTH, OKAY?

THAT'S MINE.

YOU DON'T SEE ME USING NONE OF YOUR CATCHPHRASES.

- UM, BY ALL MEANS, FEEL FREE TO USE W.W.J.D.:

WHAT WOULD JAZZ DO?

- NO, WHAT WON'T JAZZ DO?

- AH, OKAY.

[laughter]

- OKAY, I'M SORRY, KEIRA.

AS I WAS SAYING, NOW, WE'RE PART

OF AN ORGANIZATION CALLED THE SUNBEAMS.

AND WE JUST FEEL THAT BECAUSE BLUE DOESN'T HAVE

THE SUPPORT OF A SUNBEAM,

HE FLOUNDERING ALL OVER THE FIELD.

SO WHAT WE CIRCLING AROUND IS,

WE NEED YOU TO ACT AS HIS SUPPORT,

BE HIS SUNBEAM.

- LOOK, I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT BLUE'S HAVING TROUBLE,

BUT WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP.

I'M NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND.

- I'M CONFUSED.

DID YOU NOT JUST SPEND $75,000

TO GO ON A DATE WITH HIM?

- [scoffs]

GIRL, PLEASE.

I DROP BENJIS.

CAN'T NOBODY BALL LIKE ME.

♪ YOUR FAVORITE CHICK ON THE TV SCREEN NIGHTLY ♪

♪ THE SHOW IS OVER

♪ BUT PEOPLE ARE STILL EXCITED

♪ ABOUT TO SHOW THE WORLD WHY

♪ I WASN'T INVITED

- [laughs]

OKAY.

THAT WAS NICE TRYING TO DISTRACT US

WITH YOUR FAILED RAP CAREER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU AND KOBE, Y'ALL BOTH OWE ME 12 BUCKS EACH

- OH, ME TOO.

AND WE AIN'T LEAVING WITHOUT OUR MONEY

OR AN ANSWER.

- I WISH I COULD HELP YOU LADIES, BUT I'M NOT EVEN SURE

BLUE WANTS ME UP IN HIS BUSINESS LIKE THAT.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

- KEIRA, LISTEN,

FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE VERY PROUD MEN, OKAY?

THEY HAVE TO BE

OR ELSE THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO WHAT THEY DO,

WHICH MEANS THEY'RE NOT GONNA COME RIGHT ON OUT

AND ASK FOR WHATEVER THEY WANT.

OKAY, NOW, WHETHER IT BE THAT GOOD TOILET PAPER,

TWINKIES, THE TOUGH ACTIN' TINACTIN--

- I DON'T MEAN TO CUT YOU OFF, MA'AM.

- MA'AM?

OKAY, NOW, BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO APPEAL TO YOUR ASS,

IM'A LET THAT ONE SLIDE.

- OKAY, AND BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TRYING

TO BE NICE TO YOU LADIES,

I'MA LET Y'ALL BARGE IN UP IN MY CONDO,

BEING RUDE, AND TRYING TO INTIMIDATE ME SLIDE.

I HEARD YOUR PROPOSAL.

I'M SORRY I CAN'T HELP Y'ALL.

SO WITH THAT SAID...

- I KNOW THAT "SO."

THAT USUALLY MEANS, "SO I KNOW WE JUST SMASHED,

JAZZ, BUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO."

SHE KICKING US OUT, GIRL.

- WHATEVER.

- UM...

THAT'S NOT WHAT JAZZ WOULD DO.

- OKAY?

- UH.

[doorbell ringing]

[knocking]

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OH, REALLY? YOU'RE GONNA GET THE DOOR?

- COULD BE SOMEONE BRINGING ME A CHECK, BABE.

- WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?

- DOUBT IF ANYBODY'S BRINGING YOU A CHECK.

[laughs]

- YOU PLAY TOO MUCH.

- YEAH, I'M COMING. I'M COMING.

- HEY-OH!

HA, HA, HA, PITTSY.

WHAT UP, CHARDONNAY?

YO, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

WHAT, Y'ALL HAVING SALT WATER AND SEX FOR DINNER?

WHAT'S HAPPENING ROUND THIS PIECE?

- MALIK, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, MAN?

- YO, "J," DOG, I GOT TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT THAT LUPE FIASCO CALLED BLUE, MAN.

YOU SAW HIM OUT THERE TODAY.

- THE KID'S A LITTLE OFF. HE'S NERVOUS.

HE'LL COME AROUND. THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

- HO, HO, HEY, HEY.

BUT YOU KNOW WHO DOES NOT HAVE TO COME AROUND, HMM?

THIS GUY.

CHARDONNAY, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR MAN OUT THERE TODAY.

I'M TELLING YOU THIS BOY WAS LIGHTNING FAST.

HE WAS AGILE.

THE BOY WAS MAKING ONE-HANDED CATCHES.

- IN HUSH PUPPIES. - HE TOLD YOU!

- HE TELLS ME WHEN HE DOESN'T SPRINKLE PEE

ON THE TOILET SEAT.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT PROUD.

- THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

JASON, BROTHER, IT WAS LIKE YOU

TURNED THE CLOCK BACK TEN YEARS ON ME TODAY.

- AW, MAN, I WAS THINKING MORE LIKE 6 1/2, 7.

BABE, YOU REMEMBER, I SAID 6 1/2, 7?

- YOU TOLD ME 13. - POINT IS, IT'S GENEROUS.

- WELL, I'M ABOUT TO DROP THE ULTIMATE PRAISE

ON YOU, BROTHER.

AND WHEN I DO, I'MA NEED YOU TO PUT YOUR PANTARE YOU RE?

THE SABERS WANT YOU BACK, BABY!

AWW!

UH, UH, UH, UH!

WHOO!

- OOH, MY GOD, BABY.

- I TOOK THE PRACTICE TAPE UP TO THE FRONT OFFICE TODAY.

THEY WENT BANANAS.

I WAS LIKE, "WE GOT TO GET HIM."

THEY WERE LIKE, "YEAH, WE NEED HIM."

I WAS LIKE, "WHERE'S THE BATHROOM?"

THEY WERE LIKE, "IT'S DOWN THE HALL BUT YOU NEED A KEY."

AND I WAS LIKE, "WHY WOULD I NEED A KEY?

IT'S A PUBLIC FRIGGIN' RESTROOM"--

- DUDE, GET BACK TO ME. GET BACK TO ME.

- OKAY, OKAY, SO YOU KNOW HOW YOUR BOY BLUE'S

ALL, LIKE, WOBBLY, WOBBLY, RIGHT?

WELL, OUR HOPES AND DREAMS HAVE TURNED TO THE WILEY VET

WHO'S STILL GOT IT,

JASON PITTS!

- MM, MM, MM! THAT'S SO GOOD!

- NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME FOR YOU TO PUT YOUR PANTS ON.

- PANTS? OH, YES.

- CHARD, GOT A COUPLE DETAILS I NEED TO GO OVER

WITH YOUR MAN.

CAN WE HAVE A COUPLE MINUTES?

- YEAH.

ARE YOU OKAY?

- IT'S ALL HAPPENING, BABE.

- OOH, YOU'RE SO CUTE.

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

- [exhales]

- WHOO, MAN. I TELL YOU.

SO HERE'S THE DEAL, JASON:

SABERS WANT TO OFFER YOU A CONTRACT, BROTHER.

- WELL, HELL YEAH, THEY WANT TO OFFER ME A CONTRACT.

THAT'S THE LEAST THEY CAN DO AFTER WHAT THEY DID TO ME.

- YEAH, AND THEY KNOW THAT. THEY KNOW THAT.

THAT'S WHY THEY MEAN BUSINESS, JASON.

- YEAH? - HELL YEAH, DOG.

THEY'RE TALKING

$1 MILLION!

PESOS, YEN, EURO, FARTHINGS; HOWEVER THE HELL YOU WANT IT,

THEY BACKING THAT TRUCK UP, JASON PITTS.

- $1 MILLION?

- YEAH, CHA-CHING! WHOO!

UH, UH, UH-- - STOP.

STOP HITTING MY HAND!

$1 MILLION

IS LITERALLY THE LOWEST THEY CAN LEGALLY PAY ME

SEEING AS HOW IT'S THE VETERAN'S MINIMUM!

- JASON, I THINK YOU'RE LOOKING AT THIS WHOLE SITUATION

THE WRONG WAY, DOG.

- I'M A NINE-TIME ALL-STAR FUTURE HALL OF FAMER

WHO BROUGHT THIS CITY A CHAMPIONSHIP.

I GAVE 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE TO THAT ORGANIZATION.

NOW THEY WANT TO PAY ME LESS THAN THEY'RE PAYING JUVON?

- YOU KNOW WHAT, JASON?

THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY.

THIS IS ABOUT THE LOVE OF THE GAME, MAN.

THIS IS ABOUT WHAT WE DO

IN BETWEEN THE HASH MARKS ON THE FIELD

FOR ONE HOUR EVERY DAMN SUNDAY.

WE ARE FOOTBALL PLAYERS.

WE ARE WARRIORS!

AND THIS IS SPARTA!

I CAN PROBABLY TRY TO GET YOU A PARKING SPACE

NEXT TO THE STADIUM IF...

- GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE.

- SO IT'S A MAYBE?

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST SLEEP ON IT, MAN, ALL RIGHT?

- OKAY, LET'S GO.

NEXT ONE ON YOUR ELBOWS.

AND YOU'RE GONNA REACH YOUR HANDS OUT JUST,

YES, THE ELBOWS AND HANDS.

EXTEND YOUR LEG NEARLY ALL THE WAY BACK.

AND YOU'RE GONNA LEAN TO KEEP YOUR HIPS SQUARE.

AND YOU'RE GONNA LIFT YOUR LEGS.

[telephone ringing]

- HELLO?

- HEY, GIRL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- KNOCKING OUT THIS BRAZILIAN BUTT LIFT VIDEO.

- [laughing]

RIGHT.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS LIFT YOUR ASS UP

FROM THE DINNER TABLE AND STOP EATING SO MUCH.

- WHY DO YOU CALL AND TAKE SHOTS AT ME?

AREN'T YOU IN TRAINING CAMP? GO TRAIN.

- RELAX, ALL RIGHT?

I NEED YOU TO GRAB MY STANFORD PILLOW

AND BRING IT TO ME.

I'LL HAVE SECURITY LET YOU IN MY PLACE.

- ARE YOU ASKING ME OR TELLING ME?

- IF YOU HAVE THE 75 THOU I LOANED YOU, I'M ASKING.

IF YOU DON'T, I'LL SEE YOU AROUND 10:00.

- I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE.

WHAT, THEY DON'T HAVE PILLOWS OVER THERE?

- IT'S MY SPECIAL PILLOW

I SLEEP ON THE NIGHT BEFORE A GAME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVER MIND.

DON'T NEED THAT DAMN PILLOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALLED YOU ANYWAY.

- BLUE-- - NAH, IT'S COOL.

GOOD LOOKING OUT.

- HELLO?

- ONE, TWO, THREE, AND FOUR.

- [sighs]

JUST LIKE WE SAID WE WOULD. - AH!

- COME ON, BABY.

TURN THAT OFF, PLEASE.

- NO.

LOOK AT HOW CUTE YOU ARE.

OOH, AND THAT BUTT. MM.

I COULD JUST TEAR THAT THING TO PIECES.

- THAT'S JUVON'S BUTT.

- OH, AND LOOK AT THAT FACE.

- THAT'S MALIK'S BUTT.

- WHAT?

SHUT UP. THAT'S YOU, BABY.

AND THAT'S PURE JOY RIGHT THERE.

YOU ALWAYS TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE FOOTBALL,

AND YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER GOT A CHANCE

TO SEE IT UNTIL NOW?

SERIOUSLY, BABY, THAT'S--

THAT'S LOVE.

- YEAH, I LOVE MAKING $20 MILLION A SEASON.

- YOU AIN'T NEVER MADE $20 MILLION A SEASON.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW? - YAHOO! SPORTS.

- THEY ALSO SAID MIKE VICK WAS FIGHTING PIGEONS.

- BABY, LOOK, MY POINT IS THIS:

THIS GUY COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THE MONEY.

I MEAN, YOU COULD STRIP AWAY HIS $20 MILLION--

- COULD YOU? - YES.

- COULD YOU? - ABSOLUTELY.

AND THAT SMILE WOULD STILL BE THERE

BECAUSE THAT GUY LOVES THE GAME.

- [sighs]

- YOU KNOW THE ONLY TIME

I'VE SEEN YOU WITH THAT BIG SMILE ON YOUR FACE?

- WHEN'S THAT?

- TODAY WHEN YOU CAME UP IN HERE

WITH THEM TOE UP ASS HUSH PUPPIES

TALKING ABOUT, "I RAN 44 IN MY HOUSE SHOES."

- IT'S A 4.40.

AND MY HUSH PUPS ARE NOT HOUSE SHOES, OKAY?

THEY'RE MORE OF A TIMELESS SEMIDRESS OXFORD.

- WHATEVER. - WHATEVER?

THEY'RE EXCEPTIONALLY COMFORTABLE

AND VIRTUALLY WEIGHTLESS.

- WHATEVER.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOU

TALK ABOUT HOW, "I USED TO BE THE MAN,

AND I BROUGHT THIS CITY A CHAMPIONSHIP."

I MEAN, THAT PART OF YOUR LIFE

THAT I FEEL LIKE I MISSED OUT ON,

I WANT TO BE A PART OF THAT.

OTBALL FAN?

- OH, I'M NOT A FOOTBALL FAN.

I'M A JASON PITTS FAN.

- I LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU TOO.

NOW I'MA TAKE MY ASS UPSTAIRS.

NOW, I EXPECT YOU TO BE FOLLOWING ME

SO YOU CAN TRY TO SCORE A TOUCHDOWN.

- OH, NO.

- OH, AND F.Y.I.,

I WAXED MY END ZONE.

- OH.

- MM, MM, MM.

- IN THE CORNER OF THE END ZONE!

- IT'S GOOD.

- TOLD YOU I WAS FINE.

WHY'D YOU COME UP HERE?

- YOU KNOW I GOT THAT THING YOU NEED.

- WHAT?

- I GOT THE GOOD STUFF.

- WHAT?

- I HAVE YOUR PILLOW.

- EDGAR? I MEAN--

YOU BROUGHT MY PILLOW.

COOL. COOL.

GOOD LOOKING OUT.

- WELL, MAYBE NOW YOU CAN GET

A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

- YEAH, I COULD USE ONE.

- IS EVERYTHING OKAY IN THERE?

- [scoffs]

YEAH, GIRL. KILLING 'EM.

LOOK, I MEAN, I GOT MY OWN TEAMMATES

ASKING FOR MY AUTOGRAPH, OKAY?

- AH, OKAY.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN THINKING.

I KNOW THE SEASON'S ABOUT TO START

AND YOU PROBABLY HAVE A LOT ON YOUR PLATE.

YOU MIGHT NEED SOMEONE TO HAVE YOUR BACK

DURING ALL THE CRAZINESS.

- HAVE MY BACK LIKE WHAT?

- OH, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I CAN BE YOUR SUNSHINE.

- [scoffs] MY WHAT?

- YOU KNOW THE WOMAN THAT REPRESENTS THE SABERS?

- AH, YEAH, YOU MEAN MY SUNTAN.

- WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, YES.

- OR ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND?

- RELAX, I'M JUST THROWING IN SUNTAN.

I MEAN, I FIGURED, YOU KNOW, I COULD KEEP YOU IN THE LOOP

WITH WHATEVER IT IS THOSE WOMEN DO

AND MAKE SURE YOU ALWAYS HAVE YOUR PILLOW.

- YOU WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?

- YOU HELPED ME WHEN I NEEDED IT.

IT'S ONLY RIGHT THAT I RETURN THE FAVOR.

SO I FIGURED TOMORROW I COULD BRING YOU WHATEVER ELSE

THAT YOU MIGHT NEED, LIKE SNACKS,

A PICTURE OF YOUR GRANDMA--

- TOILET PAPER.

PLEASE.

LOTS OF IT.

- OKAY.

- TRIPLE-PLY WOULD BE...

- I GOT YOU.

OKAY, I DON'T WANT TO GET YOU IN TROUBLE.

I'MA LET YOU GO.

- NO, I COULD, UH...

I CAN HANG FOR A LITTLE BIT.

- OKAY, SO TELL ME ABOUT TRAINING CAMP.

- [scoffs]

MAN, IT'S NO JOKE.

- IT'S TOUGH, HUH?

- I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

I'M STILL KILLING 'EM.

BUT YOU KNOW...

MAN, KEIRA, IT'S SO HARD IN HERE.

I, UH...

NAH, THESE DUDES ARE ROUGH.

- GUESS WHO'S BIZZACK, YA BASTARDS?

- [laughing]

[grunts and shouting]

- AWW, YEAH!

- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT, BABY!

- HEY-OH! - HEY-OH!

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