Original subtitles

[ethereal music]

- LADIES, MAY I HAVE YOUR PASSWORD, PLEASE?

♪

- PASSWORDS ACCEPTED.

LADIES, WELCOME TO MY LITTLE HOUSEWARMING.

NOW, ALL THE ALCOHOL THAT YOU COULD EVER WANT

IS LOCATED RIGHT IN MY NEWLY REMODELED KITCHEN.

AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE IN THE KITCHEN,

PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY OUT TO THE BALCONY.

AND IF YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE

BEFORE YOU LEAVE HERE TODAY, PLEASE--

TEE TEE, TAKE THAT STUPID-ASS MASK OFF!

NOW, LADIES,

PLEASE, DREAM YOUR WILDEST DREAM.

- EXPLORE YOUR FANTASIES.

- BECAUSE IT IS MALIK 2.0, Y'ALL.

INDULGE.

GET YOUR FREAK ON.

♪

[aggressive rock music]

♪

JUST AS WE'VE BEEN THERE...

- ♪ GOOD MORNING

- GOOD MORNING!

- WHAT UP, DOG?

- WHAT UP, DOG?

[overlapping gibberish]

- MORNING, DAUGHTER. - HI.

- FRUIT IS COMING.

- LOOK AT THIS.

- IS THIS AMERICAN CHEESE?

- OH, GOD, NO.

IT'S VELVEETA.

- REALLY? - MM-HMM.

- CAN YOU PICK 'EM, DADDY, OR CAN YOU PICK 'EM?

- SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

- IT'S OKAY, BABY.

I JUST WANTED US ALL TO SIT DOWN

AND HAVE A NICE MEAL

AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER.

- I THINK I KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT YOU, CHARLENE.

- [laughs]

HER NAME IS CHARDONNAY, AND SHE'S RIGHT.

NOW THAT WE'RE ALL LIVING UNDER ONE ROOF,

WE'RE GONNA GET A LOT CLOSER, AND IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

YOU GOT THAT?

- FINE. LET'S GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

I'LL START.

SO WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT YOUR NAME?

- YOU LOST YOUR TURN. YOU GO FIRST, CHARLENE--

CHARDONNAY. - ALL RIGHT.

- CHARDONNAY.

- ANYTHING NEW AND EXCITING AT SCHOOL?

- HMM.

- SALLY GOT HER PERIOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PEP RALLY.

IT WAS A HOOT. - HMM.

- ANYTHING ELSE?

- I'M FAILING ALL MY CLASSES.

- WELL, AREN'T YOU CONCERNED?

I MEAN, YOU ARE GONNA BE APPLYING TO SOME COLLEGES

PRETTY SOON, RIGHT?

- I'M I- [squeaks] - YOU NEED TO DO YOUR RESEARCH.

AND IF THERE'S ANYONE STILL OUT THERE WATCHING,

I THINK COLLEGE IS A WASTE OF MY DADDY'S MONEY.

- HEY.

HEAR, HEAR. [laughs] THAT'S MY GIRL.

- COLLEGE IS NOT FOR EVERYBODY, OKAY?

- IT'S NOT FOR HER. [laughter]

- 'CAUSE, SEE, THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO IS LIKE I DID:

RACK UP $80,000 IN SCHOOL LOANS AND DON'T EVEN USE YOUR DEGREE.

- HEAR, H--UM... I'M SORRY.

- SHE SAID $80,000.

- DID YOU SAY $80,000?

ARE YOU SPEAKING HYPOTHETICALLY, OR--

- I WISH.

SHOOT, MY B.F.A. WAS IN COMMUNICATIONS,

BUT THE ONLY COMMUNICATING I DO AT WORK

IS WITH A BOTTLE OF MASSAGE OIL AND HOT STONES.

[laughs]

MY CLIENTS CALL ME DOCTOR AROMATHERAPY.

- $80,000!

1,000.

- RIGHT. - WHOA.

I'M NO MATHLETE, BUT THAT MUST HAVE TAKEN FOREVER

TO PAY THAT BACK.

DON'T YOU WORK FOR TIPS?

- WELL, I USED TO, BUT, GIRL,

I GOT A LITTLE SECRET TO LET YOU IN ON.

- OKAY.

- ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS TAKE ONE CLASS A QUARTER.

THEN YOU CAN DEFER YOUR LOAN PAYMENTS INDEFINITELY.

- THAT'S WHY YOU WERE TAKING ARCHERY?

- WELL, THAT AND Ithily]

- YOU KNOW?

- SO,

TO JUST DEFER YOUR DEBT,

EVEN THOUGH, EVENTUALLY, SOMEONE IS GONNA

HAVE TO PAY FOR IT, AND THAT SOMEONE IS ME,

JOE TAXPAYER.

WHAT DO YOU GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT?

- THANK YOU, DADDY. - MM.

- WELL... [giggles]

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS, BUT THIS BRUNCH HAS CERTAINLY

MADE ME FEEL LIKE YOU TWO ARE NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

BUT I'M CHEESS WHUPPINGS, RI?

- I GOT THE OPPORTUNITY TO SIT DOWN

WITH THE FIRST-ROUND DRAFT PICK BRYCE "THE BLUEPRINT" WESTBROOK

AND ASK HIM A FEW QUESTIONS.

BLUE, TELL ME, WHEN DID YOU REALIZE

THAT YOU WERE SPECIAL?

- I WAS ABOUT TEN.

IT WAS MY SECOND YEAR OF POP WARNER.

AND THIS KID ON THE OTHER TEAM WAS, UH, TALKING TRASH

ABOUT HOW SPIDER-MAN COULD BEAT UP BATMAN

BECAUSE BATMAN DIDN'T HAVE ANY SUPERPOWERS.

- HMM.

- SO SECOND HALF OF THE GAME,

I JUST TOOK OVER.

THEY COULDN'T STOP ME.

AND AT THE END OF THE GAME, AFTER WE HAD WON,

I WALKED OVER TO THE KID.

I LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE FACE,

AND I SAID, "HEY.

"I DON'T HAVE ANY SUPERPOWERS EITHER,

BUT YOU COULDN'T BEAT ME."

ALL RIGHT, I HATE TO ASK THIS QUESTION,

BUT THE TABLOIDS AND THE TWITTERSPHERE...

- OH, A NEW WORD FOR YOU. OKAY.

- ARE ALL ABUZZ WITH THESE, UH,

PHOTOS OF YOU KISSING KEIRA MICHELLE WHITAKER.

IT'S JUICY STUFF. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YOU TWO?

- [laughs]

UH, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS, MAN.

YOU KNOW, SHE KISSED ME ON THE SAME DAY WE MET,

AS A PRANK.

YOU KNOW, HOW SERIOUS COULD IT BE?

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HER.

- HEY, I MARRIED MY WIFE THE FIRST DAY I MET HER, SO...

[laughs]

- WOW. HEY, THAT'S, UH--

THAT'S BALLSY.

- NO, I MEAN, IT STARTED OFF AS A PRANK.

WE WERE DRUNK AND WENT DOWN TO MEXICO,

AND THEN SHE MARRIED ME TO TEACH ME A LESSON.

IT'S HILARIOUS. [laughs]

- AND YET YOU'RE STILL WITH THIS RAPSCALLION?

- RAPSCALLION? REALLY?

- STANFORD. - NOT BAD.

- YEAH. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S PROBABLY JUST ME.

I'M PROBABLY JUST

A LOOK-BEFORE-YOU-LEAP KIND OF GUY.

YOU KNOW, A PLANNER.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, ROOKIE?

I'M A PLANNER. I PLAN THINGS.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I'M SURE YOU DO.

I MEAN, LOOK, TEN YEARS IN THE LEAGUE,

MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?

THERE'S NO WAY YOU WOULD JUST STAY MARRIED

TO SOME STRANGER WITHOUT GETTING A POST-NUP.

YOU'RE NOT A CRAZY PERSON.

- NO. I'M NOT.

I'M THE OPPOSITE OF A CRAZY PERSON.

- YOU DIDN'T GET A POST-NUP, DID YOU?

- NO, I DIDN'T.

WE'RE DEFINITELY CUTTING AFTER POP WARNER.

- [gasps]

- [grunts]

WHAT HAPPENED, BABY?

SOMETHING STARTLE YOU AWAKE?

- MM.

I THINK SO.

- OH, THAT IS AWFUL.

HEY, SINCE WE'RE BOTH CONVENIENTLY UP,

I WAS JUST WONDERING, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME

ABOUT YOUR OUTSTANDING STUDENT LOANS?

I DIDN'T TELL YOU, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP WITH MY STUDENT LOANS.

NOW, GO ON BACK TO BED.

- UM, YOU KNOW, SWEET POTATO,

UM, I'M MORE THAN HAPPY TO HELP YOU PAY 'EM OFF.

I'M JUST A LITTLE UPSET THAT YOU HID SOMETHING FROM ME.

I MEAN, WHAT ELSE YOU HIDING FROM ME, CHARDONNAY,

IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME?

- BABY, I'M NOT HIDING ANYTHING FROM YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

MY FAVORITE MUSIC IS R&B.

MY FAVORITE WRITER IS ZORA NEALE HURSTON.

AND MY PET PEEVE IS THE NICKNAME CHAR-CHAR,

BECAUSE MY BROTHER USED TO TEASE ME ABOUT IT GROWING UP.

- OKAY, I WON'T CALL YOU CH--

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU HAVE A BROTHER?

- YEAH.

WE DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM MUCH,

'CAUSE WHAT'S THE POINT OF TALKING ABOUT SOMEBODY

ALWAYS IN JAIL?

- UH, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IF HE ESCAPES

AND COMES LOOKING FOR A FLOPHOUSE?

- BABY, YOU KNOW I'M A GREAT WOMAN.

I'M LOYAL, AND I'M HONEST.

AND YOU KNOW I GO TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS.

- YOU GO TO CHURCH?

- WHERE ELSE I'M AT, JASON?

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO PILATES.

- [smacks lips]

WE DON'T EVEN GOT TO TALK

ABOUT OUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS RIGHT NOW.

IT DON'T MATTER TILL WE HAVE KIDS, ANYWAY.

- OH, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

KIDS?

- EVENTUALLY.

- UH, EVENTUALLY NOT.

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

SINCE WE'RE SHARING, LET ME TELL YOU

A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT JASON ARCHIBALD PITTS.

- ARCHIBALD? - OH, YEAH.

THERE'S YOUR FIRST REVELATION. MY MIDDLE NAME'S ARCHIBALD.

SECOND REVELATION, WE ARE NEVER HAVING CHILDREN,

BECAUSE JASON ARCHIBALD PITTS HAD A VASECTOMY.

SNIP, SNIP.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, I GOT TO PEE-PEE.

- HOLD UP.

YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

SO YOU UNDERSTOOD EVERYTHING I BEEN SAYING?

- YES. YOU KISSED RICK.

POOKIE CAN'T FIND OUT, OR SOMEONE WILL DIE.

POW, POW, POW.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

TAKE THAT FAKE-ASS BAG, ALL RIGHT?

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, ALL RIGHT?

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

- HEY. - HEY, GIRL.

- WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? - CHILD, NOTHING.

ME AND THAT MAID ARGUING OVER SALSA.

CHILD, YOU KNOW, SHE INTO SALSA VERDE.

I'M INTO THAT PICO DE GALLO.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GET RID OF ALL OF THIS?

- YEAH, GIRL.

I GOT TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE NEW ISH.

- OH, WELL, THIS RECEIPT SAY

YOU JUST GOT THIS NEW ISH THIS MORNING.

- EXACTLY.

IT'S FOUR HOURS OLD. THAT'S DAMN NEAR VINTAGE.

- [sighs] TASHA, - OKAY, YOU GOT ME.CA

ALL RIGHT? YES.

THAT WAS ME AND RICK KISSING IN THE PARKING LOT,

BUT IT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

OH, GOD. THERE I GO LYING AGAIN.

I'M ALWAYS LYING,

TELLING PEOPLE I'M 41 WHEN I'M REALLY 45.

AND YES, I MAY HAVE HAD A LITTLE LIGHT WORK DONE,

BUT IT WAS ALL NONINVASIVE AND ONLY HERE IN THE STATES.

OH, GOD. THERE I GO LYING AGAIN.

OKAY, LOOK.

ONE TIME--IT WAS JUST ONE TIME IN MEXICO, ALL RIGHT?

BUT CAN YOU BLAME ME? HELL, WE IN SAN DIEGO.

- UM...

I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT JASON.

- OH. SHOOT.

OKAY, WELL, ENOUGH ABOUT ME RAMBLING ON--

- JASON IS FIXED.

HE CAN'T HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN.

- OKAY, WELL, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

GIRL, YOU DODGED A BULLET.

HAVE YOU MET THAT BRITTANY?

- TASHA, THIS IS A BIG DEAL.

I'VE ALWAYS DREAMT OF HAVING KIDS.

SHOOT, SERVES ME RIGOW WHAT?

SOMETHING AIN'T RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST CAN'T SEE JASON GETTING HIS TUBES TIED.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

I MEAN, WHO REALLY DOES THAT,

ESPECIALLY SOMEBODY SO PARTICULAR ABOUT THEY JUNK?

- I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER KELLY TALKING ABOUT HOW

THEY WERE TRYING TO HAVE MORE DEMON SPAWN.

YOU KNOW, THE ONLY WAY TO CAST OUT A DEMON SPAWN

IS TO FIRE ANOTHER ONE DOWN THE HATCH.

THAT'S IN THE BIBLE. - I DON'T THINK IT IS.

BUT WHILE WE ON THE SUBJECT OF SINNING,

I DID SEE YOU AND THAT RICK FOX,

AND THERE WAS A LOT MORE THAN KISSING GOING ON

IN THAT PARKING LOT.

LOOKED LIKE Y'ALL WAS TRYING

TO MAKE THE BEAST WITH TWO BACKS.

- BLASPHEMY. - MM-HMM.

BUT DON'T YOU WORRY.

YOUR LITTLE SECRET PARKING LOT SEX IS SAFE WITH ME.

BUT IT WOULD BE EVEN SAFER IF I KEPT THIS DRESS.

- GO ON. - ALL RIGHT.

THE SHOES TOO? - THAT'S YOURS.

- ALL RIGHT.

OH, MY GOD, THIS PURSE.

- WHAT--N--

THAT'S MY REAL PURSE, THOUGH.

- OH, OKAY.

I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU WITH YOUR STUFF.

- OH, YEAH, YOU CAN HAVE THAT TOO IF YOU WANT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL-- - YOU GOOD.

- YOU CAN HAVE IT. - I KNOW.

- JUST TAKE CARE OF HER. - I WILL.

- OKAY, WELL, YOU KNOW, UM--

- WON'T SAY NOTHING.

- WHAT'S UP, MY MAN?- MY MAN, MY MAN.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR MEETING ME HERE TODAY, BROTHER.

I TELL YOU.

- I THOUGHT THIS WAS A BUSINESS MEETING, MAN.

YOU--YOU ON SOME FREAKY-DEAKY STUFF, HUH?

- [laughing]

YOU A FUNNY MAN.

YOU KNOW, YOU REAL FUNNY.

YOU KNOW, DAYMOND, THE REASON I HAVE ASKED YOU HERE TODAY

IS BECAUSE I DON'T JUST SEE YOU AS A FRIEND, MAN.

I ALSO SEE YOU AS A ROLE MODEL.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, MALIK, LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT.

THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE IS 'CAUSE MY PUBLICIST

PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR YOU.

AND MOST LIKELY, THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU GUYS WERE SMASHING,

SO WHY DON'T WE JUST GET ON WITH IT?

- SHE SAID I WAS GOOD, RIGHT?

- SHE SAID YOU WERE SWEATY.

- SHE DID? - YEAH, WELL, LET'S--

- LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THAT. OKAY, YEAH.

OKAY, DAYMOND.

YOU'RE A SHARK.

SO I'M PRETTY SURE YOU'RE AWARE

THAT SWIMSUIT APPAREL IS AN $80 BILLION INDUSTRY

IN THE U.S.

NOW, IF I CAN JUST GET 2% OF THAT,

I CAN GENERATE $160 MILLION.

NOW DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?

- YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO. CONTINUE.

- DAYMOND, I HAVE INVENTED A BIKINI

THAT DOES AWAY WITH UNINTENTIONAL BOOTY DISPLAY,

ALSO KNOWN AS THE WEDGIE,

THE NUMBER ONE PROBLEM FOR WOMEN IN THE SUMMERTIME.

[laughs] LET THE PRESENTATION BEGIN.

- ♪ I'MA BREAK OUT AND THEN HIDE EVERY LOCK ♪

♪ I'MA BREAK OUT AND THEN HIDE EVERY LOCK ♪

- OH, NO.

MY HORRIBLE WEDGIE.

WHAT AM I EVER TO DO?

- NO! A WEDGIE!

THE PLIGHT OF A BIG TUSHIE.

NOW I GIVE YOU

THE STAY-KINI, BY MALIK WRIGHT.

- ♪ I AM A SINNER

♪ WHO'S PROBABLY GONNA SIN AGAIN ♪

- WOW.

NOW, THAT IS DISGUSTING, MAN.

- LOOK, WE--WE'RE STILL WORKING THE KINKS OUT.

BUT DON'T FOCUS ON THAT, DAYMOND.

I WANT YOU TO FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT YOU ARE LOOKING

AT A BIG, BUBBALICIOUS, NUTRITIOUS TUSH

WITH NO WEDGIE.

HMM?

- BABY GIRL, ARE YOU COMFORTABLE IN THAT?

- WELL, I CAN'T SIT DOWN IN IT.

I CAN'T BREATHE, AND I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS, BUT--

- MALIK, THIS IDEA--

IT'S JUST-- IT'S JUST STUPID.

- BUT WOMEN DON'T LIKE WEDGIES, DAYMOND.

THAT'S A FACT.

- LADIES, LADIES, IS THAT TRUE?

- IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE AND EMBARRASSING.

- WELL, I DON'T MIND, 'CAUSE I KNOW MY MAN LOVES 'EM, SO--

- CARAMEL! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING?

YOU'RE A MODEL. TORI, GET HER OUT OF HERE.

- YES. GET OUT.

GO. - OW.

- GO. - AH!

- NICE JOB, LADIES. NICE JOB.

- LIKE THE CHARITY THAT I WORK FOR--I SPONSOR.

- [sighs]

- SO YOU'RE IN?

- MAN, YOU CRASH DUMMY, YOU JUST WASTED MY TIME.

I SHOULD HAVE YOU BODIED, MAN.

- I'M SORRY. - MM.

- THANK YOU.

- ♪ TRICK, DON'T KILL MY VIBE

♪ TRICK, DON'T KILL MY VIBE

- HOLY MOTHER!

WHAT--

BABY, I THINK THE SPIDER'S BACK.

- [laughs] CALM DOWN, BABY.

YOU GOOD.

BUT WHILE YOU UP, WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME

EXACTLY HOW A VASECTOMY IS PERFORMED?

- VERY CAREFULLY. [imitates rimshot]

- HMPH. YOU LYING, JASON.

I CHECKED YOUR SCROTUM.

- WHAT?

- I CHECKED ALL UP AND ROUND YOUR SCROTUM,

AND THERE IS NO VASECTOMY SCAR.

- YOU CHECKED MY SCROTUM?

- NO SCAR.

- OF COURSE THERE'S NO SCAR, YOU PSYCHO.

I DIDN'T GET SOME BACK-ALLEY BUTCHER JOB.

I HAVE INSURANCE.

IT WAS NONINVASIVE.

- OH, REALLY?

SO HOW MANY DAYS YOU WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR?

- UM, TRICK QUESTION.

OUTPATIENT SURGERY.

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT, JOHNNY COCHRAN?

- WHEN DID YOU HAVE YOUR LITTLE OUTPATIENT SURGERY?

- [sighs]

OH, I DON'T KNOW. HOW ABOUT JUNE 21, 2007?

IT WAS A WEDNESDAY. IT WAS RAINING.

I HAD JUST DISCOVERED A NEW THING CALLED FANDANGO.

THE PROCEDURE WAS AT 2:00.

I WAS IN THE THEATER WATCHING NACHO LIBREBY 5:00.

A-WHAT?

YOU KNOW YOU DONE MESSED UP, RIGHT?

NACHO LIBRECAME OUT IN 2006.

- RIGHT. WHAT?

DID I SAY NACHO LIBRE?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT MIGHT'VE BEEN TOKYO DRIFT.

IT WAS TOKYO DRIFT.

I REMEMBER, 'CAUSE AFTERWARDS, I WAS DRIVING AROUND ALL FAST,

AND THEN I WENT AND GOT SOME SUSHI,

'CAUSE IT PUT ME IN THE MOOD.

- OKAY, I DIDN'T GET A VASECTOMY.

- I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT, JASON!

I TOLD YOUR ASS WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU

AND GET THIS DAMN MARRIAGE ANNULLED

THAT I WANTED TO HAVE KIDS.

AND YOU STOPPING ME MEANT THAT YOU WAS ON BOARD.

- YEAH, I WAS ON BOARD UNTIL I FOUND OUT

ABOUT YOUR STUDENT LOANS AND YOUR INCARCERATED BROTHER

AND YOUR RELIGIOUS ZEALOTRY.

WE NEED TO PUMP THE BRAKES A LITTLE BIT.

- LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE DRIVING THIS BUS, HONEY.

AND ONE OF 'EM WANT KIDS.

SO UNLESS YOU WANT ME

TO DRIVE THIS THING OFF THE CLIFF,

YOU BETTER BE GETTIN' ON BOARD.

NOW I GOT TO GO POOP.

I'M GONNA BE BACK, ABOUT FIVE TO TEN MINUTES TOPS,

AND YOU GONNA TELL ME IF YOU ON BOARD

WITH THIS BABY THING.

OR I'M WALKING.

[sighs]

FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

- WHAT?

MAN, HOW DARE HE MOCK YOU?

THAT'S MY JOB.

- I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW HOW I THOUGHT

THAT I COULD DO THIS, TEE TEE.

I MEAN, DAYMOND STARTED FUBU WHEN HE WAS 23 YEARS OLD.

I'M A 30-PLUS SOON-TO-BE EX-BALLER

ACTING LIKE A BUSINESSMAN IN A BUSINESS SUIT,

AND I AIN'T GOT NO DAMN BUSINESS.

I'M SPINNING MY WHEELS, BRO.

I'M TIRED, MAN.

- [chuckles]

SO YOU TIRED AFTER A WEEK, HUH?

- YEAH.

- LOOK.

YOU'RE ONLY SAYING THIS 'CAUSE THE ROAD'S

GETTING A LITTLE ROUGH RIGHT NOW.

BUT TRUST ME.

STARTING A BUSINESS IS A LONG HAUL.

AND IT'S GONNA BE A WHOLE GANG OF THINGS

THAT GET IN YOUR WAY BEFORE YOU MAKE IT.

- HMM.

- IT'S REALLY NOT THAT DIFFERENT FROM PLAYING FOOTBALL.

- SO I JUST NEED TO PUSH THROUGH AND WORK HARDER, HUH?

- YEAH.

SEE,

SUCCESS IS 1% INSPIRATION,

BUT IT'S 99% PERSPIRATION.

- WHO SAID THAT?

- BELIEVE IT OR NOT, MY MOM.

- OH, NO, I AIN'T TAKING NO CRACK WISDOM, DOG.

- JASON, I TOLD YOU YOU HAD TEN MINUTES TOPS.

WHAT, YOU DOWN HERE TRYING TO HIDE FROM ME?

- YOU WANT THE TRUTH?

YOUR POOP STINK WAS SEEPING UNDER THE BATHROOM DOOR.

- [scoffs] WELL, MAYBE IT WAS.

MAYBE IT WAS. - OH, IT WAS.

I ALMOST CALLED A HAZ-MAT TEAM.

- [laughs]

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, JASON?

- [sighs]

ARE WE--WE'RE STILL-- WE'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT THAT?

- YEAH. - [sighs]

MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN PLANNED OUT.

- [sighs] - OKAY?

MY PARENTS KNEW I WAS GONNA BE A FOOTBALL PLAYER

BEFORE I WAS BORN.

MY FIRST PAIR OF SHOES WERE CLEATS.

I ALWAYS KNEW WHERE I WAS GONNA GO TO COLLEGE.

I ALWAYS KNEW WHAT POSITION I WAS GONNA PLAY.

I ALWAYS KNEW WHAT KIND OF WOMAN I WAS GONNA MARRY.

AND THEN, OUT OF NOWHERE, I MEET THIS

SASSY BLACK BARTENDER,

WHO'S, YOU KNOW, $80,000 IN DEBT.

I'M JUST SAYING, YOU WENT TO FAMU.

HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?

- [scoffs]

THE SAME WAY YOUR BIG-ASS NIPPLES HAPPENED.

ANYWAY, JASON, MY LIFE WAS PLANNED OUT TOO, OKAY?

AT TEN YEARS OLD,

I WAS GONNA BE ON STAR SEARCH.

DIDN'T HAPPEN.

15 YEARS OLD, I WAS GONNA WIN THE OLYMPICS.

DIDN'T HAPPEN.

21 YEARS OLD, I JUST KNEW

I WAS GONNA BE THE QUEEN OF ZAMUNDA.

- MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE ZAMUNDA IS NOT A REAL PLACE.

IT DOESN'T EXIST. THEY MADE IT UP FOR THE MOVIE.

- BABY, THE POINT IS

IS THAT LIFE DOES NOT ALWAYS HAPPEN AS PLANNED.

BUT HAVING KIDS?

THAT IS JUST ONE GOAL I'M JUST NOT WILLING TO BEND ON,

PERIOD.

- WELL,

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO.

JUST LIKE I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO LOSE MY SASSY BLACK BARTENDER

JUST 'CAUSE I'M AFRAID OF THE UNKNOWN.

SO... [exhales]

AS SCARY AS THE IDEA

OF BRINGING ANOTHER DEMON SPAWN INTO THIS WORLD IS,

IF THE ALTERNATIVE IS LOSING YOU,

THEN I WILL RELUCTANTLY BLESS YOU WITH MY SEED.

- BLESS ME?

BABY, THAT-- [laughs]

THAT IS THE SWEETEST THING YOU HAVE EVER SAID TO ME.

I LOVE YOU.

- [laughs]

DO Y- NO, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A BABY TODAY OR TOMORROW, OKAY?

LET BRITTANY'S LITTLE ASS LEAVE FIRST.

I DON'T WANT THAT HEIFER NOWHERE NEAR MY KIDS.

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S A GOOD CALL.

- NOW, BABY, MARK YOUR CALENDAR, 'CAUSE IN THREE YEARS,

WE GONNA GET IT--

[snapping, singing falsetto]

UNLESS SURVIVORCALLS.

I CAN'T BE PREGNANT, EATING ALL THEM BUGS AND STUFF.

- WHO ARE YOU?

- CHARDONNAY. - [laughs]

- CHARDONNAY PITTS!

- OH, I LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU TOO.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0