Original subtitles

[ SHOWER RUNNING ]

>> * POOKIE

* POOKIE, POOKIE, POO

>> [ LAUGHS ]

HEY.

UM, MR. ANDREA BOCELLI,

BREAKFAST IS HERE.

YOU KNOW I HATE COLD SLIME.

>> I'LL BE THERE IN A SEC.

>> MM-HMM.

>> * POOKIE, POOKIE

* POOKIE

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> POOKIE, THE PHONE!

>> * YOU MAKE THE DOVES CRY

[ RINGING CONTINUES ]

* THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE A LOVER,

AND LOVER COULDN'T CRY, POOKIE *

* OH, SWEET, SWEET POOKIE

* FROM MY HAIR, FROM MY FEET

>> OH.

>> * I AM POOKIE

>> OH!

>> GUESS WHO'S HOME.

>> UH, TIFFANY, RAMONA, SIDNEY?

[ LAUGHS ]

HOW WAS YOUR TRIP?

>> WAIT. BEFORE YOU GET INTO

THAT, I HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE

FOR YOU.

I BROUGHT BACK A SOUVENIR FROM

D.C.

>> IS IT SIDNEY?

[ RAGGED BREATHING ]

>> CLOSE. NOW JUST CLOSE YOUR

EYES AND WAIT RIGHT THERE, OKAY?

I'M HUNGRY.

BROTHER HUNGRY.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

OKAY. NOW OPEN THEM.

>> OH! OH!

[ Garbled ] THAT'S FREE FROM

"106 & PARK"!

>> YEAH.

>> OH, MY GOD. HI.

>> HI, DERWIN.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'M A BIG FAN.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU, FREE.

I'M A BIG FAN OF YOU.

>> YEAH, DO YOU REMEMBER -- BACK

IN COLLEGE, YOU USED TO LOVE

HER?

YOU WOULDN'T TAKE CLASSES

BETWEEN 3:00 AND 4:00.

>> MELANIE, "106 & PARK" WAS ON

6:00 TO 7:30.

>> DO YOU WANT SOME OF MY

SANDWICH?

LIKE, IT'S TURKEY AND CHEESE

WITH SOME LETTUCE ON THERE.

>> NO, JUST SOME WATER.

THANK YOU.

>> OKAY.

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S FREE RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S FREE. THAT'S WHAT'S UP.

>> RIGHT?

>> BUT YOU AIN'T SLICK, NOT EVEN

A LITTLE BIT.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.

YOU'RE TRYING TO BUTTER ME UP BY

BRINGING FREE HERE TO GET ME TO

GO TO D.C.

>> [ SIGHS ] OKAY.

>> YEAH.

>> GUILTY.

BUT NONE OF THIS MATTERS, OKAY?

I GOT A CALL FROM JOHNS HOPKINS,

AND THE INTERVIEW WENT GREAT.

SO MY DAD -- HE PULLED A FEW

STRINGS, AND THERE IS EVEN A

RESEARCH POSITION AVAILABLE.

AND IN THE EVENT THAT THIS WHOLE

PLAN WORKED, I TOOK THE LIBERTY

OF PRINTING OUT SOME STATS OF

WASHINGTON'S FOOTBALL TEAM,

WHICH, BY THE WAY, WOULD BE A

GREAT FIT FOR YOU.

>> OH, YEAH? SAYS WHO?

>> SAYS FREE.

TELL HIM, FREE.

>> THE WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM

IS GREAT.

WHERE'S MY WATER?

>> COMING.

THANK YOU, FREE.

>> OH, DAMN, BABE.

YOU ATE BREAKFAST WITHOUT ME?

>> I TOLD YOU I DON'T EAT COLD

PIG, PIG.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> WHO THE HELL IS SHEIDA?

>> [ Laughing ] OKAY, YOU BEEN

SNOOPING THROUGH MY PHONE, HUH?

>> NO, ACTUALLY, YOUR PHONE FELL

ON THE FLOOR AFTER MY ELBOW JUST

ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED INTO IT.

AND WHEN I WENT TO PICK IT UP, I

JUST ACCIDENTALLY HAPPENED TO

SEE THAT THERE WERE SIX TEXT

MESSAGES FROM SOME [BLEEP] NAMED

SHEIDA.

>> AND I GUESS YOUR FINGERS JUST

ACCIDENTALLY UNLOCKED THE PHONE.

>> THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT,

OKAY?

THE POINT IS, WHO THE HELL IS

SHEIDA?

>> RESHEIDA IS A LOVELY YOUNG

LADY THAT I USED TO CASUALLY

ENTERTAIN BEFORE YOU AND I

BECAME AN ITEM.

>> OKAY. AND WHY DIDN'T I KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT THIS CASUAL FORM

OF ENTERTAINMENT?

>> BECAUSE SHE IS A NONFACTOR.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN A

RELATIONSHIP.

AND IT'S REALLY NONE OF YOUR

CONCERN.

>> OKAY, WELL, APPARENTLY

SHE AIN'T SUCH A

NON-MOTHER FREAKING-FACTOR IF

THE TRICK IS STILL TEXTING,

TALKING ABOUT SHE LOVE YOU.

HELLO?

>> BABY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,

ALL RIGHT?

LEAVE IT ALONE.

I'LL HANDLE IT, OKAY?

>> AND WHAT IF I SAY, "NO, I

DON'T WANT TO LEAVE IT ALONE"?

THEN WHAT?

[ SILVERWARE CLINKS ]

>> THEN I AM GONNA HAVE TO

REMIND YOU HOW I USED TO MAKE

PEOPLE DISAPPEAR FOR A LIVING.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> OH, REALLY?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> OKAY.

OH, SO, OHH, I'M SCARED.

OKAY, THAT'S A THREAT?

OKAY, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THREATS

ARE RESERVED FOR THE BEDROOM.

>> MM-HMM.

>> AND SINCE WE AIN'T HAD SEX

YET, YOU NEED TO SAVE THAT

MURDER TALK FOR SOMEONE WHO

ACTUALLY GIVES A DAMN, LIKE

RESHEIDA.

[ CLATTERS ]

>> IT'S A FACT.

>> NO, IT --

>> NO, THAT'S A REAL THING.

>> IT IS A REAL THING.

>> THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN WHEN YOU

PUT IT IN YOUR FACE.

HEY, HEY!

MELANIE!

>> YES?

>> HOW ARE YOU, DOLL FACE? MWAH!

WHAT AM I DOING -- WAKING YOU UP

FROM A LITTLE AFTERNOON BEAUTY

REST, HUH?

>> OH, GOD.

I MUST STILL BE JET-LAGGED FROM

D.C.

>> OH, GOD, WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE

TO LAY UP WITH NO JOB, KNOWING

A RICH, STRAPPING ATHLETE WAS

TAKING CARE OF MY EVERY NEED,

HUH?

MNH! WHERE WAS I WHEN GOD WAS

PASSING OUT VAGINAS, HUH?

WHOO! SO, WHAT WAS SO PRESSING

THAT THE TWO OF YOU HAD TO DRAG

ME OUT OF MY -- AGAH! --

KRAV MAGA LESSON?

>> OH.

>> HERE. WATCH THIS.

DERWIN, PUT YOUR HAND RIGHT ON

MY SHOULDER.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT'S UP.

PUT YOUR HAND ON MY SHOULDER AND

WATCH -- LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I

LEARNED.

COME ON.

NOW, JUST BE READY.

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

BE READY.

KRAV MAGA!

CLOSER.

KRAV MAGA!

OHH! AAH!

[ COUGHS ]

>> YOU ALL RIGHT?

>> YEAH, NO, I'M GOOD.

NO, WE WERE JUST GETTING TO THAT

PART WHEN I -- WHEN YOU GUYS

CALLED.

THAT WAS REALLY GOOD.

>> NO, I JUST -- IT'S A REFLEX.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

THE REASON WHY WE CALLED YOU

OVER HERE, MAN...

[ SIGHS ]

...IS BECAUSE WE HAVE SOME BAD

NEWS.

I THINK WE'RE DONE.

>> I KNEW IT. YES!

I WAS TELLING MY ASSISTANT ON

THE WAY OVER -- "THEY'RE DONE.

THEY'RE DONE."

I MEAN, LET'S BE HONEST -- THE

ODDS WERE STACKED AGAINST YOU

GUYS FROM THE BEGINNING --

AM I RIGHT?

>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT, MAN?

NO, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE

SABERS.

>> SO, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE NOT GETTING DIVORCED?

>> NO.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> I KNEW IT!

I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE GONNA MAKE

IT 'CAUSE YOU'RE A STRONG,

BEAUTIFUL BLACK COUPLE --

>> WATCH YOURSELF.

>> I'M BLACK.

>> OKAY, LISTEN, WE ALL KNOW

THAT, THIS SEASON, I WAS

UNDERPAID AND UNDERUTILIZED.

>> AND NOT TO MENTION

UNDERAPPRECIATED.

>> YEAH, AND THAT WHOLE

KWAN KIRKLAND THING, MAN, REALLY

LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MY MOUTH.

>> MM-HMM.

>> SO, WITH THAT BEING SAID, ME

AND MEL WAS THINKING, WITH MY

CONTRACT RUNNING OUT, THAT MAYBE

WE COULD EXPLORE SOME OTHER

OPTIONS.

>> AND BY "OTHER OPTIONS," WE

MEAN "D.C."

>> YEAH.

>> IT'S SETTLED -- THE SABERS

CAN GO TO HELL, 'CAUSE I'LL BE

DAMNED IF MY CLIENT FEELS

UNAPPRECIATED OR UNDERPAID.

>> THAT'S WHAT'S UP, MAN.

>> THAT'S WHAT'S UP.

>> THANKS, IRV.

>> NO SWEAT. OF COURSE.

AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU GUYS DO

DECIDE TO RECONSIDER THE WHOLE

DIVORCE THING, MY LAWYER HAS

SOME GREAT RATES AND HE CAN

PROBABLY THROW IN A FEW FREE

BROADWAY TICKETS AS PART OF THE

WHOLE INCENTIVE PACKAGE.

>> BYE, IRV.

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, I LOVE YOU.

>> AND FROM HERE, WE WILL COME

UP AND INTO OUR "DOWNWARD-FACING

DOG" POSITION.

>> [ BREATHES SHARPLY ]

>> TAKE A DOG TO DO A

"DOWNWARD-DOG" POSITION.

>> OH, YOU ARE NOT GONNA START

THIS RIGHT NOW.

>> MNH.

>> NOT WHILE I'M TRYING TO GET

MY YOGA IN.

>> OKAY. LOOK, DON'T START NO

ISH, WON'T BE NO ISH.

>> [ GROANS ]

NAMASTE.

>> YOU NAMASTE.

>> YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T TAKE

THIS SERIOUS, I'M GONNA JUST

TAKE IT IN THE BEDROOM AND

PRACTICE.

>> BYE.

I DON'T NEED NO DVD TO STRETCH.

[ TELEVISION TURNS OFF ]

I CAN YOGA BY MY DAMN SELF.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ CELLPHONE VIBRATING ]

HELLO.

LOOK, DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT WHO

THIS IS.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

LOOK, WHY THE HELL YOU KEEP

CALLING MY MAN?

SAY WHAT?

Y'ALL LIVE TOGETHER?

YEAH, BUT HE IN MY BEDROOM RIGHT

NOW DOWNWARD-DOGGING,

UPWARD-DOGGING, AND

SIDE-DOGGING, OKAY?

SO I GUESS HE ALREADY DECIDED ON

WHO HE WANT TO BE WITH.

WELL, FINE. FINE.

LOOK, BRING YOUR LITTLE SELF ON

DOWN HERE, OKAY, AND HE CAN DUMP

YOUR TRIFLING...IN PERSON.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU MY E-MAIL,

PHONE NUMBER, ADDRESS, AND SKYPE

INFORMATION -- HOW ABOUT THAT?

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> ROSIE, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

CAN YOU GET THAT?

>> ON THE COUNTDOWN, AND

LISTEN...

>> THANK YOU.

>> TERRENCE, ROCSI!

GUYS, CAN YOU JUST LET ONE VIDEO

PLAY IN ITS ENTIRETY?

DANG.

>> OH, YO, MAID LADY, TAKE THIS

CHAMPAGNE.

GIVE ME TWO GLASSES.

THAT'S BE GREAT.

DERWIN!

>> WHAT'S UP?

>> WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, TAKE YOUR

ARM.

POP ME IN A CHOKE HOLD.

>> HUH?

>> NO, SERIOUSLY, COME ON.

JUST PUT ME IN A LITTLE -- PUT

ME IN A LITTLE CHOKE HOLD.

NOW JUST BE READY.

>> LET'S GO.

>> YOU READY?!

>> YEAH.

>> [ BREATHING SHARPLY ]

KRAV MAGA!

AAH!

AAH!

KRAV MAGA!

[ GRUNTING ]

>> IS THIS IT?

>> UNCLE.

>> OH, DAMN!

>> [ COUGHING ]

>> YOU ALL RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

ARE YOU OKAY?

>> I'M -- I'M FINE.

>> OH, GOOD. I'M OKAY.

YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY STUDIED THE

WAYS OF KRAV MAGA.

>> NO, I HAVEN'T, BUT IF THAT'S

WHAT YOU LEARNED IN YOUR CLASS,

MAN, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR MONEY

BACK.

>> NO, NO.

I REP...THE ISRAELI WRESTLER.

HE HAD THAT WHOLE DOPING SCANDAL

IN THE 2000 OLYMPICS.

>> MM.

>> HIS FATHER WAS PART OF THAT

MUNICH THING.

HIS KID TEACHES ME FOR FREE.

>> WHAT'S UP WITH THE CHAMPAGNE,

MAN?

WE CELEBRATING SOMETHING?

>> WELL, I, IN FACT, AM

CELEBRATING MY NEWLY FINALIZED

DIVORCE FROM MY OVER-THE-HILL

MAIL-ORDER BRIDE SVETLANA.

>> OH.

>> AND YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE

CELEBRATING YOUR NEW CONTRACT

FOR...

$50 MILLION!

HOLLA!

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS --

$50 MILLION, IRV?!

>> AS SERIOUS AS THE JUDGE WHO

ORDERED ME TO GIVE HALF MY MONEY

TO THE UKRAINIAN SKANK.

>> WHOO!

>> WHOO!

>> D.C. WASN'T PLAYING.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

>> NO, NO.

D.C. IS HISTORY, BUDDY.

THIS OFFER'S FROM THE SABERS.

>> SAY WHAT?

>> THAT'S RIGHT -- SABERS FOR

LIFE, BABY!

>> NO, IRV. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I THOUGHT WE TOLD YOU THAT WE

WERE INTERESTED IN D.C.

>> NO, I KNOW. I KNOW.

BUT ONCE THE SABERS FOUND OUT

THAT D.C. WAS INTERESTED, THEY

CALLED ME ON THE PHONE AND TOLD

ME HOW BADLY THEY WANTED TO STEP

UP TO THE PLATE AND SHOW

DERWIN DAVIS THE APPRECIATION HE

DESERVES, HUH?

OH! HUH? COME ON.

>> NO, IRV, NO.

THAT'S A GREAT OFFER.

DON'T GET IT TWISTED, ALL RIGHT?

BUT, LIKE, YO, ME AND MELANIE

WERE SERIOUS ABOUT WANTING TO

EXPLORE D.C.

>> YEAH, NO, NO, NO.

D.C. IS HISTORY, BUDDY, OKAY?

THAT AIN'T HAPPENING.

I TOLD THEM TO GO SCREW

THEMSELVES AFTER THEY

DISRESPECTED YOU WITH A MEASLY

$30 MILLION OFFER.

NOW, MELANIE, ON THE OTHER

HAND -- SHE'S FREE TO GO.

OOH.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> WHAT'S UP, MALIK?

>> POOKIE, YOU MAY ENTER.

>> OKAY.

HEY, BABY.

>> POOKIE...HAVE A SEAT, PLEASE.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> POOKIE, THE REASON WE ARE ALL

GATHERED HERE TODAY IS BECAUSE

MY MOTHER, TASHA MACK, HAS

SOMETHING SHE WANTS TO CONFRONT

YOU WITH.

PROCEED WITH THE CONFRONTATION,

MAMA.

>> THANK YOU, SON.

>> MM-HMM.

>> SO, I SPOKE TO YOUR LITTLE

CONCUBINE.

OH, YEAH.

AND SHE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOUR

LITTLE DALLIANCE.

>> [ GASPS ]

>> TASHA, I TOLD YOU TO BACK OFF

THAT SITUATION AND I WILL HANDLE

IT WHEN I GOT TO RICHMOND.

>> OKAY, AND I TOLD YOU THAT

THAT WAS NOT GONNA WORK, DIDN'T

I?

SO I FIGURED, WHY WAIT?

>> MM.

>> MALIK, WOULD YOU DO THE

HONORS, PLEASE?

>> ABSOLUTELY, TASHA MACK.

UNH! COME ON OUT, RESHEIDA!

>> HELLO, POOKIE.

>> YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA

HANDLE IT, SO HANDLE IT.

>> NOT NOW, TASHA.

NOT LIKE THIS.

>> WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN "NOT

NOW"?

WHAT THE HELL YOU STALLING FOR,

HUH?

WHAT? YOU SAID Y'ALL AIN'T

TOGETHER, RIGHT?

>> NO, NO, NO.

I SAID WE WERE NOT OFFICIALLY

TOGETHER...YET.

>> UH, OOH, OOH.

MALIK, YOU NEED TO MEDIATE THAT.

>> RESHEIDA, I'M NOT GIVING YOU

PERMISSION TO SPEAK YET, OKAY?

>> LOOK, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

LOOK, POOKIE, I KNOW THAT WHEN

YOU LET ME MOVE IN WITH YOU, YOU

WERE DOING ME A FAVOR AS A

FRIEND.

>> RIGHT.

>> BUT WHEN WE STARTED HAVING

SEX...

>> [ GASPS ]

>> ...I FELL FOR YOU, AND THEN,

WHEN I HEARD THAT YOU WERE

MOVING OUT AND MOVING ON TO THIS

WOMAN, WELL, I DECIDED I WAS NOT

GONNA GIVE UP WITHOUT A FIGHT.

>> [ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

[ CLEARS THROAT ] OKAY.

UH.

THIS IS NOT THE IDEAL SITUATION

TO HAVE THIS TYPE OF

CONVERSATION.

>> MNH-MNH.

>> TRUST ME -- I WOULD HAVE

NEVER WANTED IT TO HAPPEN THIS

WAY, BUT, OBVIOUSLY, I DON'T

HAVE A CHOICE, SO I'M GONNA JUST

SAY IT.

UNFORTUNATELY, I'M IN LOVE WITH

TASHA.

>> UNFORTUNATELY?

WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN --

"UNFOR--"

OH, MY GOD.

POOKIE, DID YOU JUST SAY YOU IN

LOVE WITH ME?

>> TASHA, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU,

OKAY?

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> I LOVE YOU.

>> [ BREATHES SHARPLY ]

I WIN.

OH, MY GOD. POOKIE.

>> COME HERE.

>> POOKIE, I LOVE YOU, TOO.

I DO.

I...LOVE...YOU.

I'M SORRY.

YOU OKAY?

>> I'M FINE.

>> I MEAN, I-I DID NOT WANT

THINGS TO GO DOWN THIS WAY.

I MEAN, WELL, THAT'S A LIE, YOU

KNOW, 'CAUSE I DID WANT POOKIE

TO CHOOSE ME, BUT, GIRL, I HAVE

BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, OKAY?

AND I'M SORRY THAT I ALLOWED ALL

OF MY INSECURITIES TO, UH, PUSH

YOU TO A PLACE OF FEELING

INSECURE.

>> I AM NOT INSECURE.

>> BUT YOU WILL BE.

ALL OF THESE HEARTBREAKS AND

LETDOWNS -- GIRL, THEY GONNA ADD

UP.

AND THEN, ONE DAY, YOU'RE GONNA

FIND YOURSELF IN A CLOSET WITH

SOME RANDOM GIRL WHO'S 20 YEARS

YOUNGER THAN YOU, AND YOU'RE

GONNA BE WONDERING, "OHH, DOES

MY WARDROBE NEED TO BE UPDATED?"

>> UM, YES.

>> RESHEIDA, LOOK -- BOTTOM LINE

IS YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOUR

PRINCE CHARMING.

>> YEAH, MAYBE.

>> NO, YOU ARE, HONEY.

IT MIGHT TAKE YOU 40-SOME-ODD

YEARS AND, YOU KNOW, A COUPLE OF

POLYESTER SUITS AND MAYBE EVEN A

LITTLE SPANDEX.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU'RE GONNA FIND HIM.

AND WHEN YOU DO, YOU'RE NOT

GONNA HAVE TO BEG HIM TO CHOOSE

YOU.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> OH.

>> [ HUMMING ]

>> HEY, BUBBY.

>> HEY, WHAT'S UP?

OH! WHY DON'T YOU CALL ME FROM

THE CAR TO HELP YOU WITH THE

BAGS?

I DON'T WANT TO YOU TO STRAIN

YOUR BACK OR NOTHING.

>> OKAY, WHAT IS ALL OF THIS?

I JUST BOUGHT SOME STUFF TO MAKE

DINNER.

>> NO, NO.

IT'S ABOUT TIME WE SHARE IN THE

BURDEN OF THESE HOUSEHOLD

RESPONSIBILITIES.

TONIGHT WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A

PASTA MOSTA-CAT-CCIOLI,

COURTESY OF YOUR BOY,

CHEF BOYAR-DOUBLE-D-ZEE, WHICH

IS ME-ZEE.

>> OKAY. IT'S MOSTACCIOLI.

>> WHAT YOU SAID.

HERE. I NEED YOU TO SIT DOWN.

TAKE A LOAD OFF 'CAUSE WHAT I

DID WAS I RECORDED ALL YOUR

FAVORITE REALITY SHOWS, SO YOU

CAN KEEP ME COMPANY WHILE I MAKE

YOU DINNER.

>> "HOARDERS"?

>> YEP.

>> "MY SECRET PREGNANCY"?

>> YEP.

>> "I'M PREGNANT AND SECRETLY

HOARD"?

>> YEP, YEAH.

>> [ LAUGHS ] YES!

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO ME ALL

OF A SUDDEN?

>> I'M ALWAYS NICE TO YOU.

>> NO, DERWIN.

THE LAST TIME WE WATCHED A

REALITY SHOW TOGETHER, YOU THREW

THE REMOTE AT THE TV.

>> THAT'S BECAUSE THAT

BACHELORETTE CHOSE WRONG.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

THERE'S MY SURPRISE DINNER GUEST

FOR YOU.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

CL-- JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES, MEL.

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

OH, COME ON, DERWIN.

>> I'M COMING.

OPEN YOUR EYES.

SURPRISE.

>> SCREECH.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY DUSTIN.

>> MM. CAN YOU EXCUSE US FOR A

MOMENT, DUSTIN?

>> YEAH. SURE.

NO PROBLEM.

>> [ SIGHS ]

DERWIN, WHAT THE HELL IS SCREECH

FROM "SAVED BY THE BELL" DOING

HERE?

>> LISTEN, DUSTIN'S MY GIFT TO

YOU.

I REMEMBER, BACK IN COLLEGE, YOU

USED TO ALWAYS WATCH RERUNS OF

"SAVED BY THE BELL."

YOU USED TO GO ON AND ON ABOUT

SCREECH, LIKE HE WAS YOUR DUDE.

>> NO, NO, NO.

I USED TO HATE SCREECH BECAUSE

HE WAS ALWAYS HITTING ON THAT

ONE BLACK CHICK, LISA TURTLE.

IT WAS PRINCIPAL BELDING THAT I

LOVED.

>> OH, REALLY?

>> [ SCOFFS ]

EW, REALLY?

OKAY. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

I KNOW SOMETHING IS UP, OKAY?

IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THAT YOU

BRING HOME A '90s CHILD STAR FOR

DINNER.

>> FINE.

FINE.

I WASN'T SURE HOW TO BREAK THE

NEWS TO YOU, SO I'M JUST GONNA

COME OUT AND SAY IT.

>> OKAY.

>> SCREECH, TELL HER.

>> UH. UH, OKAY.

IT -- IT'S DUSTIN.

>> MM-HMM.

>> ALL RIGHT.

UM, TODAY, IRV CAME BY WITH A

$50 MILLION CONTRACT OFFER

FROM -- WAIT FOR IT --

THE SABERS.

>> BAM!

>> RIGHT?

>> IT SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER WHEN

SCREECH SAYS IT.

>> WELL, MAYBE THE FACT THAT

THE SABRES ARE SO INTERESTED

MIGHT EVEN SPARK MORE INTEREST

WITH D.C.

SO THIS IS GREAT.

>> TALK TO HER, SCREECH.

>> OKAY. HERE'S THE THING --

THERE IS NO D.C.

THEY'RE OFFERING TO PAY DERWIN

LIKE $20 MILLION LESS.

>> OHH, GOD FORBID.

WE CAN'T BUY THAT EXTRA ISLAND

NOW.

LOOK, COME ON, SCREECH.

WHO CARES ABOUT AN EXTRA

20 MILLION BUCKS?

WE'RE RICH.

>> THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

THIS TYPE OF CONTRACT OFFER IS

UNHEARD OF.

HE'LL BE THE HIGHEST-PAID

RECEIVER IN THE LEAGUE.

YOU CAN'T JUST SKIP PAST THAT.

I MEAN, IT'S HUGE.

>> HUGE.

>> AND SO IS GOING TO

JOHNS HOPKINS AND DOING THIS

RESEARCH POSITION.

>> FIRST OF ALL, YOU CAN'T EVEN

COMPARE THOSE TWO.

>> YEAH.

>> WHY -- BECAUSE MY NEEDS ARE

LESS IMPORTANT THAN YOURS?

>> NO.

HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT?

THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, ALL

RIGHT?

>> EASY, EASY. HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

STILL MY WIFE. BRING IT DOWN.

>> LOOK, MELANIE, I'M SORRY

THINGS WENT DOWN THE WAY THEY

HAVE, BUT LIFE HAPPENS, OKAY?

AND THIS DECISION HAS ALREADY

BEEN MADE.

WE'D JUST LOVE IT IF YOU'D GET

ON BOARD WITH IT.

>> [ CLICKS TONGUE ]

>> WELL, THAT WON'T BE POSSIBLE

BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY MADE MY

DECISION, TOO.

I'M GOING TO D.C.

>> REALLY?

>> REALLY.

REALLY.

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

HEY.

SO...SHE GONE?

>> OHH. YEAH.

PUT THE POOR GIRL IN A CAB AND

SENT HER OFF TO THE AIRPORT.

>> MM. DO NOT ACT LIKE I'M THE

ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR

SCREWING THAT POOR GIRL OVER,

OKAY?

>> NO, I WAS JUST SCREWING HER,

BUT YOU -- YOU SCREWED HER OVER.

>> WHAT?!

>> YES.

>> NO, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WAS

SLEEPING WITH HER, KNOWING YOU

DIDN'T HAVE NO DAMN FEELINGS FOR

HER.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

>> AND THAT AIN'T COOL, FOOL.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

>> WHAT?

>> ALL RIGHT, NOW, RESHEIDA IS A

GROWN...WOMAN...

>> MM-HMM.

>> ...A GROWN...WOMAN THAT

INITIATED SEX WITH ME OFTEN.

>> OKAY. WELL, BUT WHAT THE HELL

SHE SUPPOSED TO THINK?

COME ON, YOU SLEEPING WITH HER.

>> RIGHT.

>> OKAY, NOT TO MENTION THAT

YOU'RE SHACKING UP WITH THE

GIRL, OKAY?

OF COURSE SHE GONNA THINK IT'S

MORE THAN FRIENDSHIP.

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, IT HAS

SEX LIKE A DUCK, IT'S A DUCK.

>> BUT IF YOU COOK IT WELL

ENOUGH...

>> UH-HUH?

>> ...IT TASTES LIKE CHICKEN.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> SEE, BUT THE PROBLEM IS, YOU

GIVE A WOMAN AN INCH AND THEY

TAKE A DAMN MILE.

>> IS THAT WHAT I'M DOING?

AM I TAKING A MILE?

NO, I MEAN SERIOUSLY.

AM I ASSUMING THAT THIS

RELATIONSHIP IS MORE THAN WHAT

IT IS?

I AIN'T TRYING TO BE NO COOKED

DUCK.

>> I LOVE YOU.

OKAY?

THAT'S WHY I AIN'T NEVER TRIED

NOTHING ON YOU.

>> SO THAT'S WHY WE AIN'T

DUCKING?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

YOU, GIRL, YOU -- NO, YOU SOME

REAL CHICKEN.

>> REAL CHICKEN?

>> YOU'RE REAL CHICKEN.

>> I'M CHICKEN?

>> MMM.

>> BAKED OR FRIED?

>> MMM.LUCK!

>> MM.

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