Original subtitles

>> ANNOUNCER: "THE PITTS STOP."

>> SUMMER, MY LOVE?

I HAVE AN EARLY

BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR YOU.

>> I HOPE IT'S DIAMONDS.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO.

YOU'LL GET THOSE ON OUR FIRST

ANNIVERSARY AFTER I'VE WON

THE EMMY.

>> AFTER WE'VE WON THE EMMY,

I THINK YOU MEAN.

>> UM, NO.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

BUT YOUR PRESENT IS THAT WE HAVE

INJURED SABERS QUARTERBACK

KWAN KIRKLAND ON THE LINE.

WHAT'S UP, KIRKLAND?

HOW'S THAT KNEE?

>> STILL LAID UP IN THIS DAMN

HOSPITAL BED, MAN.

YOU CAN THANK YOUR BOY

DERWIN DAVIS' JEALOUS ASS FOR

THAT.

>> HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

NOW, KWAN, ARE YOU ACCUSING

DERWIN AS BEING JEALOUS OF YOUR

STATURE ON THE SABERS OR OF YOUR

TIGER WOODS-ESQUE GOOD LOOKS?

SUMMER'S WORDS, NOT MINE.

>> I NEVER SAID THAT.

>> OK, THEY'RE MY WORDS, KWAN.

YOU'RE A HANDSOME GUY,

NOT IN A GAY WAY.

>> HOW ABOUT WE GET BACK TO

DERWIN, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, ARE YOU STILL HOLDING A

GRUDGE AGAINST HIM OVER THAT

MISSED BLOCK OR...?

>> LOOK HERE,

I THINK DUDE IS A HATER.

LISTEN UP -- DERWIN DAVIS, YOU

WILL NEVER LEAD THE SABERS LIKE

ME, AND I WILL NEVER GO TO

CHILI'S WITH YOU.

>> OH, HOLY CRAP.

OUR PRODUCERS ARE TELLING US

THAT WE HAVE THE HATER HIMSELF

ON THE LINE TO ADDRESS KWAN'S

ALLEGATIONS.

DERWIN "DING DONG" DAVIS,

YOU HAVE THE FLOOR.

>> YO, CHECK THIS OUT.

KWAN KIRKLAND IS A FAKE, LYING,

PRETTY-BOY BASTARD.

>> OKAY, SO, YOU AGREE

THAT KWAN IS HANDSOME,

NOT IN A GAY WAY?

>> WHAT?

>> HUH?

>> YO, LISTEN, PEOPLE THINK THEY

CAN SAY WHATEVER THEY WANT ABOUT

ME BECAUSE I'M A NICE GUY AND I

GO TO CHURCH AND WHATNOT.

BUT I'M TIRED OF BEING HUMBLE.

I'VE BEEN TAKING CRAP FROM DUDES

SINCE THE FIRST DAY I SET FOOT

ON THE FIELD.

AND, JASON, YOU WAS ONE OF THEM.

I'M TIRED OF NOT SHINING BECAUSE

FOOLS LIKE KWAN KIRKLAND ARE

BLINDED BY MY LIGHT.

BUT NOW YOU GUYS ARE TRYING TO

INSINUATE THAT DERWIN DAVIS IS

SOFT?

COME ON, SON, COME ON.

YOU GOTTA COME HARDER THAN THAT.

I GOT A WIFE ANDA BABY MAMA,

AND BOTH MY LADIES KNOW

I PUTS IT DOWN.

>> UGH.

>> UGH. >> WHAT, MEL?

>> WHAT, MEL?

>> NOTHING.

>> DERWIN?

>> MELANIE --

>> YOU STILL THERE?

YOU WERE JUST IN THE MIDDLE

OF A NARCISSISTIC RANT, TRYING

TO WIN BACK YOUR BELOVED FANS?

>> YOU WANT TO SQUASH THIS BEEF,

YOU GET MALIK WRIGHT ON THE

PHONE, AND HE'LL TELL YOU

WHO THE REAL HATER IS.

>> THAT IS A SPLENDID IDEA.

NOW, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

MALIK WRIGHT, THE ALCOHOLIC,

DRUG-ABUSING, WOMANIZING

FOOTBALL PLAYER WITH THE

STUPID HAIRCUT?

THAT'S YOUR CHARACTER WITNESS?

>> YES, SIR, MY MANZINEM.

AND HE WILL TELL YOU WHAT'S UP.

>> OKAY, O.J.

LET'S GET YOUR AL COWLINGS ON

THE LINE, SEE IF HE CAN CLEAR

THIS UP.

THIS IS GONNA BE

GOOD TELEVISION.

>> IF HE PICKS UP.

>> IF HE PICKS UP. >> HE PROBABLY TOO DRUNK.

>> HE PROBABLY TOO DRUNK.

>> HE PROBABLY TOO DRUNK. >> ♪

>> ♪

>> HEY, IS MELANIE NICE?

>> WHO?

>> DERWIN DAVIS' WIFE, MELANIE.

>> MELANIE?

>> MELANIE? I'VE BEEN CALLING HER MIRANDA.

I'VE BEEN CALLING HER MIRANDA.

>> THEY'RE SUCH A CUTE COUPLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE SHOULD GO OUT WITH THEM

SOMETIME.

WELL, ACTUALLY, WE SHOULD HAVE

ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS OVER.

>> WHERE?

>> WHERE? >> HERE.

>> HERE.

>> HERE. >> WHERE?

>> WHERE?

>> COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN.

>> UM...NO, IT WON'T.

>> WHY?

>> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

THROWING OUT SOME CHIPS AND DIP

AND SODA?

THAT STUFF COSTS MONEY, BABY,

AND MONEY IS SOMETHING THAT YOU

HAVE VERY LITTLE OF.

AND THEN YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO

PAY YOUR RENT AND THEN YOU'LL

GET EVICTED AND THEN YOU BECOME

HOMELESS AND I CAN'T HAVE THAT

ON MY CONSCIENCE AND I'M NOT

TRYING TO BE MARRIED TO A

HOMELESS CHICK.

>> JASON, WHAT'S REALLY

THE PROBLEM?

>> NOTHING.

I'M JUST NOT A BIG "FRIEND,

PARTY, SODA, CHIP" KIND OF DUDE.

>> BABY, ARE YOU ASHAMED OF

CHARDONNAY?

>> N-- NO, NO.

I'M NOT ASHAMED.

HEY, LISTEN TO ME.

I'M NOT ASHAMED, OKAY?

I MEAN, MAYBE OF YOUR AIRBRUSHED

FINGERNAILS, BUT YOU SHOULD BE

ASHAMED OF THOSE, TOO.

>> GOOD.

THEN GIVE ME ALL YOUR FRIENDS'

INFO, AND I'LL SET IT UP.

>> FINE.

>> GOOD.

>> GREAT.

>> COOL.

>> WONDERFUL.

>> WONDERFUL. >> GLAD.

>> GLAD.

>> GLAD. >> HEY, MEL...

>> HEY, MEL...

GUESS WHO THE MOST HATED ATHLETE

ON THE PLANET IS.

>> YOU?

>> TIGER WOODS,

BUT THANKS FOR THE VOTE.

>> WELL, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

YOU CALL IN TO A NATIONAL

TELEVISION SHOW TALKING ABOUT

ALL THE MASERATIS YOU HAVE AND

BABY MAMAS AND HOW YOU PUTS IT

DOWN.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING --

YOU DON'T PUTS IT DOWN

THAT HARD.

>> YOU SOUND LIKE THEM, MELANIE.

WHAT, ARE YOU ON THEIR SIDE?

WHAT, ARE YOU ON THEIR SIDE? >> [SCOFFS]

>> [SCOFFS]

[SIGHS]

TRUTH MOMENT, DERWIN?

I AM ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE.

OUT IN THE WORLD, I HAVE YOUR

BACK, BUT HERE, IN THE TRUTH

BUBBLE, I'M NOT GONNA BLOW SMOKE

UP YOUR ASS.

AND YOU'RE SCARING ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS PERSON IS

YOU'RE BECOMING.

YOU'RE BECOMING. >> I'M NOT BECOMING ANYONE.

>> I'M NOT BECOMING ANYONE.

LOOK, I'M THE SAME GUY

THAT YOU MARRIED.

>> NO. NO.

THE DERWIN I MARRIED WOULD NEVER

HURT SOMEONE ON PURPOSE.

THIS WHOLE "KEYSER SOZE,

DER-WIN-BY-ANY-MEANS-NECESSARY"

IS ALL B.S.

WHO GIVES A CRAP ABOUT YOUR

LEGACY IF IT'S AT THE EXPENSE OF

LOSING YOUR SOUL OR MY --

[SIGHS]

NEVER MIND.

>> NO, WHAT? SAY IT.

WERE YOU GONNA SAY RESPECT?

WERE YOU GONNA SAY RESPECT? >> [SIGHS]

>> [SIGHS]

JUST STOP BEING SUCH A DOUCHE.

JUST STOP BEING SUCH A DOUCHE. >> OKAY.

>> OKAY.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] YOU KNOW, LIFE...

YOU KNOW, LIFE...

YOU KNOW, LIFE... IS SUCH A CRAZY...

IS SUCH A CRAZY...

IS SUCH A CRAZY... TRIP.

TRIP.

[SIGHS]

>> LOOK, DERWIN, I LOVE YOU.

YOU.

THE DERWIN WHO WOULD CARRY

MY BOOKS TO CLASS.

THE DERWIN WHO WOULD CALL

HIS GRANDMOTHER ONCE A WEEK.

THE DERWIN WHO WOULD CRY

AT THE END OF "TOY STORY."

>> COLLEGE OR NOT,

WOODY BELONGED TO ANDY

AND THAT WAS IT, OKAY?

>> [LAUGHS]

SEE?

THAT'S THE DERWIN I LOVE.

AND YOU CAN GET BACK THERE.

AND WE CAN GET BACK THERE.

YOU CAN START BY CLEANING UP

THIS "PITTS STOP" MESS-UP.

LOOK, IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD GO

BACK ON AND APOLOGIZE TO ALL

BACK ON AND APOLOGIZE TO ALL YOUR FANS.

YOUR FANS.

>> JUST SO YOU KNOW,

I DO PUTS IT DOWN.

>> [LAUGHS]

>> OH, AND SNL, THEY SENT OVER

THE MATERIAL FOR THE CAMEO,

BABY, OKAY?

I NEED YOU TO READ IT, MALIK.

>> ALL RIGHT, MA, I GOT YOU.

AIN'T IT FUNNY HOW ONE DAY

YOU'RE RIDING THE PINE

AND THE NEXT DAY YOU FINE?

>> MM-HMM.

>> HEY, TASHA.

>> OH, HEY, CHARDONNAY.

>> CHARDONNAY?

JASON'S FAKE WIFE, CHARDONNAY?

>> MM-HMM.

>> WELL, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY HOW

IT READS ON MY DRIVER'S LICENSE,

BUT, UM, YES.

NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU, MALIK.

>> NO, NICE TO MEET YOU,

CHARDONNAY.

>> AWW.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TONIGHT?

>> A COKE AND SOME ALMONDS.

YOU KNOW I'M A RECOVERING ALCHY.

>> OH, THAT REMINDS ME --

I'M DOING A LITTLE MIXER

TO MEET JASON'S FRIENDS.

Y'ALL SHOULD COME.

>> I AIN'T JASON'S FRIEND.

>> YOU'RE MY FRIEND, TASHA.

>> I AIN'T REALLY YOUR FRIEND.

YOU JUST MIX THE DRINKS.

>> WELL, YOU SHOULD COME TO MAKE

FUN OF HOW TINY MY PLACE IS.

>> I COULD DO THAT.

>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GLAD I RAN INTO Y'ALL 'CAUSE

GETTING JASON TO GIVE ME

HIS FRIENDS' CONTACT INFO FOR

THIS DAMN PARTY HAS BEEN LIKE

PULLING TEETH.

>> YO, I KNOW JASON'S FRIENDS.

I'LL TELL THEM.

I'LL TELL THEM. >> THERE YOU GO.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> GIRL, WAIT A MINUTE.

>> MM-HMM.

>> THIS LOOKS LIKE MY DRINK

FROM BACK IN THE DAY.

>> MM.

>> [COUGHS]

OH, SUPER SOCCO AND GIN!

MMM!

HOW'D YOU KNOW I LIKE THAT?

>> [CLEARS THROAT]

>> [CLEARS THROAT] I TOLD HER.

I TOLD HER.

>> THIS IS CRAZY!

>> LOOK AT YOU.

HOW YOU DOING?

YOU HANGING IN THERE, BRO?

>> WHOA!

>> HEY, POOK, HOW LONG YOU IN

TOWN FOR, MAN?

>> I JUST CAME DOWN FOR THE

WEEKEND, THOUGHT I'D CATCH A

GAME, GET INTO A LITTLE TROUBLE.

>> TROUBLE?

I THOUGHT YOUR ASS WENT LEGIT.

>> COME ON, THERE'S A LOT OF

TROUBLE YOU CAN GET INTO THAT

AIN'T ILLEGAL.

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

WHERE YOU STAYING AT, MAN?

>> THE HOTEL'S ALL BOOKED UP,

MAN.

APPARENTLY THERE'S SOME GEEKY

COMIC-BOOK CONVENTION GOING ON.

>> YOU CAN COME STAY ON MY

COUCH, ALL RIGHT?

IT AIN'T MUCH, BUT IT'S CLEAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? SCRATCH THAT.

I AIN'T HELD A BLACK LIGHT UP TO

IT, YET, SO I DON'T KNOW.

>> I COULD SLEEP ON A BOX OF

ROCKS IF YOU GAVE ME THE PILLOW.

>> WELL, I GOT A PILLOW, OKAY?

SO ME COUCHA ES SU COUCHA.

>> THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.

>> RICHMOND'S FINEST!

POOK DOG!

>> YOU NEED TOWELS?

FOR YOUR GUEST?

>> TOOK Y'ALL LONG ENOUGH, WHICH

Y'ALL MUST BE REAL BUSY WITH

THAT NERD CONVENTION, HUH?

>> NO, THEY COME NEXT MONTH.

>> NO, THEY COME NEXT MONTH. NOW IT'S EMPTY.

NOW IT'S EMPTY.

NOW IT'S EMPTY. >> DAMN.

>> DAMN.

>> YEAH, ALL RIGHT, THEN.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT. >> GOOD NIGHT.

>> GOOD NIGHT.

>> GOOD NIGHT. >> [CELL PHONE RINGS]

>> [CELL PHONE RINGS]

>> HELLO?

>> QUICK, GIRL.

I GOT REAL PROBLEMS OVER HERE.

I THINK POOKIE MIGHT BE

IN LOVE WITH ME.

>> YOU MEAN POOKIE THE KILLER?

>> Well, he on the straight

and narrow now.

AT LEAST I THOUGHT HE WAS UNTIL

I DISCOVERED HE'D BEEN LYING TO

ME ALL THIS TIME,

TRYING TO GET WITH ME.

TALKING ABOUT AIN'T NO HOTELS

AVAILABLE IN ALL OF SAN DIEGO.

>> WELL, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

>> GIRL, I CAN'T MESS WITH

POOKIE!

>> Well, why not?

OH! BECAUSE OF THE KILLER THING.

[LAUGHS]

>> LOOK, POOKIE IS THE MOST

CONSISTENT GUY IN MY LIFE, GIRL.

He's always been there for me,

and I like depending on him, and

I don't want to mess that up.

AND BESIDES, I'VE BEEN DOING

REAL GOOD WITH THIS WHOLE

CELIBACY THING.

>> Tasha, it's been a month.

>> I KNOW.

LIKE I SAID, I'VE BEEN DOING

GOOD.

>> YEAH, OKAY.

WELL, IF YOU'RE NOT FEELING IT,

THEN JUST TELL HIM.

AND IF HE'S YOUR GOOD FRIEND,

HE'LL GET IT.

OR HE'LL KILL YOU.

OR HE'LL KILL YOU. >> BYE.

>> BYE.

>> BYE. [SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] HEY.

HEY.

LOOK, POOK, I'M JUST GONNA COME

OUT AND SAY IT, ALL RIGHT?

I KNOW YOU'RE CHECKING FOR ME.

COME ON.

LOOK, YOU CANNOT DENY IT,

POOKIE, 'CAUSE I KNOW THAT

GEEK CONVENTION AIN'T GONNA BE

FOR ANOTHER MONTH.

FOR ANOTHER MONTH. >> LISTEN...

>> LISTEN...

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I AMCHECKING FOR YOU.

>> DAMN IT! I KNEW IT!

BUT WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER.

WE CAN'T.

I MEAN, RIGHT NOW I'M WORKING ON

MYSELF AND I'M TRYING TO MAKE

BETTER CHOICES FOR ME.

I MEAN, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'VE

I MEAN, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'VE BEEN CELIBATE FOR THE LAST...

BEEN CELIBATE FOR THE LAST...

IT'S BEEN SOME TIME NOW.

AND I DON'T WANT TO

MESS THAT UP.

>> OKAY.

>> OKAY?

>> ALL RIGHT.

REALLY PROUD OF YOU, TASHA.

YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD TO TAKE THE

STEPS TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER.

IT'S DEFINITELY HARD BEING

CELIBATE.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, TRUST ME. I KNOW.

SPENT THE MOST OF MY LIFE BEING

IN AND OUT OF PRISON WHERE I WAS

MOSTLY CELIBATE.

MOSTLY CELIBATE. >> MOSTLY?

>> MOSTLY?

>> THE FEMALE GUARDS.

>> OH. OKAY.

>> YEAH.

>> COOL.

ALL RIGHT.

THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING, POOK.

ALL RIGHT, POOK DOG!

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] >> [SIGHS]

>> [SIGHS]

>> HEY, HEY, HEY, PRETTY --

>> HEY.

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S UP?

>> UNH-UNH.

DON'T MESS UP MY LIP GLOSS.

ON THE CHEEK.

THANK YOU.

>> WHATEVER.

OOH.

>> I GOT YOU.

>> WHAT?

>> YES.

>> YES. >> WHAT IS...

>> WHAT IS...

NEW COAT RACK. HEY.

TABLECLOTHS ON THE TV TRAYS.

WHAT'S, UH, WHAT'S THE OCCASION?

IS IT KWANZAA?

>> NOPE.

I INVITED OVER YOUR FRIENDS.

SURPRISE.

I RAN INTO YOUR FRIEND MALIK

AT THE HOTEL.

>> OKAY, AGAIN, NOT MY FRIEND.

>> WELL, ANYWAY, BABY, HE HELPED

ME BRING EVERYBODY TOGETHER.

>> YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TELL

EVERYBODY IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

>> [KNOCK ON DOOR]

>> THAT'S MY FIRST GUEST.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

>> [SIGHS]

>> I'M SORRY, MAN.

>> HEY!

MELANIE, DERWIN, COME ON IN.

>> THANKS FOR INVITING US.

SO, UH, CHARDONNAY, WE BROUGHT

YOU SOME CHARDONNAY.

>> [LAUGHTER]

>> 'CAUSE OF HER NAME.

>> IT'S REALLY NICE TO

FINALLY MEET JASON'S WIFE.

>> AW.

>> I MEAN, HIS NEW WIFE.

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT I'M

VERY CLOSE TO HIS FIRST WIFE.

NOT THAT THAT MEANS YOU AND I

CAN'T BE CLOSE.

ALTHOUGH MY LOYALTY WILL ALWAYS

BE TO KELLY.

>> OH.

>> SORRY.

>> YEAH.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT. MIRANDA'S NOT NICE.

MIRANDA'S NOT NICE.

>> [KNOCK ON DOOR]

>> OH.

>> LET ME GET THIS DOOR.

>> MORE PEOPLE.

>> HI!

>> HEY!

CHARDONNAY, WE BROUGHT SOME

CHARDONNAY, GIRL.

>> [LAUGHTER]

>> WELL, IF IT ISN'T MALIK-LIK

AND HIS MOMMY.

>> OH, WHATEVER.

POWDER. BZZZT!

>> [LAUGHTER]

>> KITCHEN'S TO THE LEFT.

>> MALIK.

BUDDY, DUDE, THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR HELPING SET UP THIS LITTLE

AMBUSH -- I MEAN, PARTY.

>> OH, COME ON, JASON.

ANYTHING FOR A FRIEND.

I MEAN, HEY, I'M NO AL COWLINGS,

BUT I DO MY BEST.

>> [LAUGHTER]

>> OH!

CHARDONNAY, I'M GONNA SHOW MALIK

YOUR -- YOUR-- THIS AREA.

>> OKAY.

>> SO THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

SOME STUPID COMMENT

I MADE ON MY SHOW?

>> OH, NO, JASON. NOT COMMENT.

COMMENTS.

ALL THE ALCOHOLIC, DRUG-ABUSING,

WOMANIZING COMMENTS.

>> SO, WHAT?

YOU DON'T LIKE ANYTHING

ABOUT MY SHOW?

>> HMM, WELL, YOUR NEW KISSING

BUDDY, SUMMER.

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT? >> DOES THAT COUNT?

>> DOES THAT COUNT?

>> DOES THAT COUNT? YEAH.

YEAH.

>> JASON.

>> HEY, HEY, HEY, TASH.

TASH-TASH.

WHAT'S THE LATEST IN THE GHETTO?

>> OOH, WON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK

>> OOH, WON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK OUT THAT WINDOW AND TELL ME?

OUT THAT WINDOW AND TELL ME?

UH...

>> JASON.

>> SUMMER, I AM SO GLAD YOU

COULD MAKE IT, AND I JUST WANT

TO SAY I'M A HUGE FAN OF WHAT

YOU AND JASON DO ON THAT SHOW.

>> THANK YOU. THAT'S SO NICE.

>> NOW, WHERE IS YOUR MAN, GIRL?

>> OH, HE'S NOT REALLY MY MAN.

>> HMM.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T GET YOUR NAME.

>> OH, I'M CHARDONNAY,

JASON'S --

>> WHOOPS! BIG MESS!

>> YEAH.

I BETTER GO CLEAN THAT UP.

I BETTER GO CLEAN THAT UP. >> I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

>> I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

>> WHOA, MAN.

I THOUGHT I LOCKED IT.

I THOUGHT I LOCKED IT. >> IT'S ALL GOOD. I GOT IT.

>> IT'S ALL GOOD. I GOT IT.

>> OOH, GIRL, THAT DAMN POOKIE

IS A FOOL.

>> YOU MEAN JASON.

>> THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

THAT DAMN JASON IS A FOOL.

>> NO.

YOU SAID THAT POOKIE IS A FOOL.

>> GIRL, SHUT UP.

>> CLEARLY POOKIE IS ON YOUR

MIND.

>> NO, HE AIN'T, OKAY?

THE ONLY THING THAT'S ON MY MIND

IS MORE DRINK AND BETTER

CONVERSATION.

CONVERSATION. >> [LAUGHS]

>> [LAUGHS]

>> GET OUT OF HERE!

>> IT'S JUST PEE.

IT'S NOTHING I HAVEN'T

SEEN BEFORE.

>> JASON.

>> JASON. >> MIRANDA, WHAT'S UP?

>> MIRANDA, WHAT'S UP?

>> DID YOU SEE THAT?

IT'S LIKE HE'S AVOIDING ME.

>> HMM. NO.

NO, WHAT WOULD HE DO THAT?

OH, YEAH. RIGHT.

MAYBE BECAUSE HE'S MARRIED.

MAYBE BECAUSE HE'S MARRIED. >> HA.

>> HA.

>> [CHUCKLES]

>> [BOTH LAUGH]

>> SO I TOLD HER "YOU JUST

CALLED JASON 'POOKIE,'" RIGHT?

AND THEN I SAID --

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T DO THIS.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

HEY, I-I THINK WE'RE RUNNING LOW

ON SALSA.

>> BABY, I NEVER HAD NO SALSA.

>> I BETTER RUN AND GO GET SOME.

>> I BETTER RUN AND GO GET SOME. QUICK LIKE A BUNNY.

QUICK LIKE A BUNNY.

ACHOO!

>> AH, GESUNDHEIT.

>> S-SUMMER. HEY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE

MARRIED.

>> YOU DIDN'T?

>> YOU DIDN'T? I THOUGHT YOU DID.

I THOUGHT YOU DID.

IT'S COMPLICATED.

>> OH.

OH, THAT IS WHAT ALL MARRIED MEN

SAY WHEN THEY WANT TO HAVE THEIR

CAKE AND EAT IT, TOO.

SO, THE QUESTION IS, AM I THE

CAKE OR AM I THE "EAT IT, TOO"?

>> WHAT? NO -- NO CAKE.

NO EATING.

NO, IT'S -- IT'S...

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'M SORRY,

BECAUSE I AM MARRIED.

I MEAN, I'M NOT, BUT I AM.

IT'S COMPLICATED.

JUST PLEASE DON'T TELL MY WIFE.

I MEAN, SHE'S NOT MY WIFE, BUT

SHE IS, SO JUST DON'T TELL HER

THAT WE EVER HAD THIS

CONVERSATION.

HMM? THUMBS?

HMM? THUMBS? I'LL BRING YOU BACK SOME SALSA.

I'LL BRING YOU BACK SOME SALSA.

I'LL BRING YOU BACK SOME SALSA. >> SALSA?

>> SALSA?

>> MALIK, THANK YOU AGAIN FOR

EVERYTHING.

>> OH, IT'S NO SWEAT, CHAR.

YO, WHERE'S JASON?

YO, WHERE'S JASON? >> [CLEARS THROAT]

>> [CLEARS THROAT]

>> [CLEARS THROAT] >> [CHUCKLES]

>> [CHUCKLES]

>> GOOD NIGHT, SATAN.

>> OH, AND WHAT A GOOD NIGHT IT

>> OH, AND WHAT A GOOD NIGHT IT WAS, JASON.

WAS, JASON.

>> [SIGHS]

OKAY.

OKAY.

YOU DO KNOW THAT INVITING THEM

OVER HERE TONIGHT

WAS HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE?

>> WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST

THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF OUR

RELATIONSHIP.

>> SO YOU GO BEHIND MY BACK?

>> BABY, I KNEW TONIGHT WAS A

HUGE RISK.

EITHER OUR COMING OUT PARTY OR

OUR GOODBYE PARTY.

BUT YOU WAS DRAGGING YOUR FEET.

>> CHAR, I DECIDE WHEN I WANT

TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

>> IT WASN'T LIKE IT WAS

BRITTANY OR YOUR PARENTS.

THESE WERE YOUR FRIENDS!

>> THEY'RE NOT --

>> YOU'VE MET MY FRIENDS!

>> YOU'VE MET MY FRIENDS! >> WHEN?!

>> WHEN?!

OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I REMEMBER, WE -- YEAH.

>> RIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

LOOK, MAYBE I BEEN DRAGGING MY

FEET A LITTLE BIT.

>> HMM. A LITTLE?

>> A LOTTLE.

I'M TRYING, OKAY?

I HAVEN'T DONE THIS IN AWHILE.

>> I KNOW, BUT LOOK, BABY.

I REALLY WANT THIS TO WORK.

BUT WE BOTH GOT TO MEET

IN THE MIDDLE.

>> OKAY, THAT'S FAIR.

THAT'S FAIR ENOUGH. OKAY.

THAT'S FAIR ENOUGH. OKAY. >> OKAY.

>> OKAY.

>> OKAY. >> DAMN, YOUR LIP GLOSS.

>> DAMN, YOUR LIP GLOSS.

>> ♪ I'M ONLY DOING

>> ♪ I'M ONLY DOING ♪ THE BEST I CAN

♪ THE BEST I CAN

♪ THE BEST I CAN >> I DON'T LIKE YOU.

>> I DON'T LIKE YOU.

>> TASHA.

>> TASHA. I DON'T LIKE YOU, EITHER.

I DON'T LIKE YOU, EITHER.

>> WELL, I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR MY BEHAVIOR.

THAT'S NOT ME.

THAT'S NOT DERWIN DAVIS.

UM, YOU GUYS, THE FANS,

YOU GUYS KNOW WHO I AM.

UM, I'M THE GUY WHO GOES TO

CHURCH ON SUNDAY, THE GUY WHO

CALLS HIS GRANDMOTHER ONCE A

WEEK, AND...

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE GUY WHO

OCCASIONALLY SHEDS A TEAR

AFTER "TOY STORY."

>> [GASPS]

>> [GASPS] I LOVE THAT MOVIE.

I LOVE THAT MOVIE.

>> I GUESS, UM, I GUESS, JAY AND

SUMMER, WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS THAT, UH, I'M ROOTING FOR

KWAN, AND I HOPE THAT HE MAKES A

QUICK RECOVERY, UH, BACK TO THE

FIELD.

>> WELL SAID, DING DONG.

THAT SEEMED LIKE IT CAME

STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART.

APPARENTLY YOU HAVE ONE

AFTER ALL.

CAN YOU STICK AROUND

FOR A FEW CALLS?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

YOU KNOW I LOVE THE FANS.

>> OKAY, WHAT DO WE GOT?

WE GOT JEFFREY FROM ATLANTA.

YOU'RE ON "THE PITTS STOP."

>> HEY, JASON --

>> WITH SUMMER GRAYSON.

>> HEY, DERWIN, I CAN'T BELIEVE

YOU COMING ON HERE ACTING ALL

INNOCENT.

YOU KNOW YOU MISSED THAT BLOCK

ON PURPOSE WITH YOUR PUNKASS.

>> OKAY, DERWIN, JEFFREY IS

SAYING THAT YOU MISSED THE BLOCK

ON PURPOSE AND THAT YOU ARE A

PUNKASS.

GO.

>> WELL, I, YOU KNOW, I'D RATHER

JUST TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AND JUST

NOT RESPOND TO THAT NEGATIVITY.

>> GOOD FOR YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> PUSS ASS.

WHAT?

WE CAN'T SAY "PUSS"?

WE CAN SAY "ASS"

BUT WE CAN'T SAY "PUSS"?

>> WHY DON'T YOU PICK YOUR

BATTLES?

>> OKAY, BONNIE FROM LONG BEACH,

YOU'RE ON THE LINE.

>> HEY, BONNIE.

>> IF I SEE YOU IN THE STREET,

I'M GONNA BREAK MY FOOT OFF

IN YOUR ASS, DERWIN DAVIS.

>> OOH.

>> UH...

>> UH...

IT'S A LITTLE HOT IN HERE.

>> A LITTLE BIT.

>> UM, WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU,

BONNIE, I DON'T FIGHT WOMEN.

>> PLEASE!

YOUR SCRAWNY BUTTERFINGER ASS

COULDN'T LAND A PUNCH IF YOUR

LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!

>> WELL, I THINK

WE'RE PROBABLY GONNA MOVE ON TO

THE NEXT CALLER.

>> HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

DID YOU SAY "BUTTERFINGERS"?

PLEASE, SWEETHEART, I HAVEN'T

DROPPED A PASS ALL SEASON.

MATTER OF FACT, WHY DON'T YOU

BRING YOUR BIG MOUTH DOWN HERE

TO THE STUDIO.

JASON, WHAT'S THE ADDRESS HERE?

>> I DON'T THINK IT'S IMPORTANT

FOR YOU TO COME DOWN HERE.

>> I THINK YOU SHOULD STAY OUT

OF THIS, SUMMER.

>> NO, NO, COME DOWN HERE.

COME -- SHUT UP, JASON.

COME DOWN HERE 'CAUSE YOU SOUND

HUNGRY.

I'LL TAKE THESE BUTTERFINGERS

AND I'M GONNA FEED THEM TO YOU

AND ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO

CHALLENGE

DERWIN "DING DONG" DAVIS.

I GOT BUTTERFINGERS FOR ALL YOUR

ASSES AND MASERATIS AND --

AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

AND BABY MAMAS, TOO.

AND BABY MAMAS, TOO. NOW WHAT?

NOW WHAT?

NOW WHAT? >> ♪

>> ♪

>> ♪ ♪♪

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