Original subtitles

>> OKEYDOKEY.

LET'S SEE, THAT'S ONE FOR ME...

ONE FOR THE LITTLE MAN WITH THE

HOT-WING PLAN.

>> THANK YOU, SIR.

>> OH, AND NONE FOR THE FORMERLY

PILL-TOPPING YET RECENTLY SOBER,

TERMINALLY BENCH-WARMING

SABERS QUARTERBACK.

AND, OH, NADA FOR THE

CRANBERRY-JUICE-SIPPING,

VAJAYJAY-WHIPPED CHURCH BOY,

WHICH MAKES ME HAPPY I SPRUNG

FOR THE GOOD STUFF.

>> YES, SIR.

>> TINK.

>> ALL RIGHT, MAN, SO, WHAT...

>> ALL RIGHT, MAN, SO, WHAT... [ GULPING ]

[ GULPING ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

WHAT Y'ALL FOOLS LOOKING AT?

>> UH, NOTHING, NOTHING.

OKAY, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S TRY TO FIGURE THIS OUT.

ALL RIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED?

SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR

GRANDMA?

>> WHAT, IS SHE STILL SORE AT ME

ALLEGEDLY STEALING HER CHICKEN

RECIPE?

'CAUSE Y'ALL KNOW I USE PAPRIKA,

RIGHT?

>> GRAMS IS COOL, AND I'M

THE FONZ.

WHAT, A GROWN MAN CAN'T HAVE A

BEER EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE?

COME ON.

COME ON, LET'S GET THIS GAME

GOING.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR MONEY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> OKAY.

>> IF YOU INSIST.

>> ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'M

GONNA --

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> MM-HMM.

>> MM-HMM. MELANIE CAN'T HAVE NO BABIES.

MELANIE CAN'T HAVE NO BABIES.

>> DAWG, SHE CAUGHT THE

INFERTILITY?

>> [ SCOFFS ]

>> IT'S NOT A DISEASE, MAN.

IT JUST MEANS THAT EITHER A

WOMAN CAN'T CONCEIVE OR SHE

CAN'T CARRY A BABY TO FULL TERM.

>> SHE CAN'T GET PREGNANT?

>> THAT'S A BIG LOSS.

ALTHOUGH, FINANCIALLY, HAVING A

KID OVER HERE, BEACH HOUSE IN

KAUAI OVER HERE -- NOT A BAD

FALLBACK.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> HEY, YOU GUYS, IT'S NO BIG

DEAL, OKAY?

'CAUSE MELANIE AND I BOTH ARE

WORKING ON SOME OPTIONS.

ALL RIGHT?

TONS OF THINGS GOING ON.

>> MM.

>> KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

BUT LET'S FORGET IT, 'CAUSE

TONIGHT, I'M GONNA HANG WITH

MY BOYS.

AND TEE TEE.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU AND YOUR GRANDMA ARE HATERS.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> AAH!

>> [ BARKING ]

>> ALL RIGHT, COOL.

>> HEY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THE CHICKENS ARE HERE.

>> I COULD TELL YOU SOME RUMORS

ALREADY.

>> YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF HOW

HUNGRY YOU ARE FOR THESE

CHICKENS.

>> MM-HMM. HOPE THEY GOT MY

FAVORITE FLAVOR -- LEMON PEPPER.

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

GENTLEMEN...

WE GOT LEGS, WE WE GOT BREASTS,

AND CHICKEN NECKS.

>> WHAT THE HELL?

TEE TEE, WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> OH, YEAH, BOY, WHEN YOU SAID

YOUR GIRL WAS GONE FOR THE

NIGHT, WE FIGURED THAT WAS CODE

FOR "BRING MORE GIRLS."

THEN YOUR LITTLE BABY SEGUE

INTERRUPTED.

CHARLINDA, WHAT'S UP, GIRL?

WHAT YOU GOT FOR US?

>> SPECIAL BROWNIES.

>> MMM. GIRL, EVERYTHING YOU

TOUCH IS SPECIAL!

[ BARKING ]

>> I KNOW.

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> WHOA, WHOA, SWEETHEART!

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT PLATE FROM?

MY WIFE'S GRANDMOTHER GAVE US

THAT CHINA.

SHE GONNA KILL ME.

>> IT'S OKAY.

WE CAN USE PAPER PLATES.

>> UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S ALL GOOD.

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE, AND SOME

NOT AT ALL.

YOU GUYS EAT THAT CHICKEN LIKE

IT'S YOUR LAST.

ENJOY.

>> THIS IS LOOKING SO CUTE.

>> MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA THROW MY

WEAVE BACK IN.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> OKAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> I THINK YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY

MADE ME LOOK LIKE CELIE.

>> WHAT?

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

>> ROOM SERVICE.

>> OOH.

>> WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE

ROOM SERVICE AT A SLUMBER PARTY.

>> GIRL, ONE MORE RULE ABOUT

YOUR SLUMBER PARTIES, AND I'M

GONNA THROW YOU OUT THE EXPRESS

ELEVATOR ON THE OTHER SIDE OF

THAT WINDOW.

BESIDES, YOU'RE GONNA THANK ME

FOR THIS.

>> BUENAS TARDES, SEÑORAMACK.

>> BUENAS TARDES,ERNESTO.

ALL RIGHT.

SAY HOLATO ERNESTO.

>> HOLA.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> BUENAS TARDES, SENORITA.

>> DO YOU WANT IT HERE?

>> [ GASPS ]

OH.

>> LA FRUTA.

>> OH, Sí.

GRACIAS.

[ CHUCKLING ]

HOLD IT!

UH, WON'T YOU PUT IT OVER ON --

ALLí.

>> Sí, SENORA.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> UH-HUH. HMM.

GRACIAS.

[ SIGHS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> I DON'T DO CRACKERS.

KEEP THEM.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> CLARO.

>> CLARO. >> OH, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

>> OH, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> OW!

>> GRACIAS.

>> UH-HUH.

[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]

>> ADIOS.

>> ADIOS.

>> ADIOS, ADIOS.

>> OKAY. MMM, MMM, MMM. MMM!

GIRL, IF MY BODY IS A TEMPLE,

I WANT THAT MAN PRAYING INSIDE

OF ME.

>> MMM.

>> WHOO!

>> HIS LOOKS ARE BUENO.

VERY, VERY BUENO.

>> MM-HMM.

>> LATASHA, WOULD YOU REALLY DO

IT WITH A ROOM-SERVICE WAITER?

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

I MEAN, AFTER ALL THAT YOU JUST

WENT THROUGH?

I MEAN, YOU WERE HUMILIATED BY A

MALE PROSTITUTE.

>> GIRL, ERNESTO CAN ONLY SPEAK

ABOUT 10 WORDS OF ENGLISH, OKAY?

SO I AIN'T WORRIED ABOUT MY

BUSINESS BEING ALL OUT ON THE

STREET...

EXCEPT MAYBE SOUTH OF THE

BORDER.

MMM. SOUTH OF THE BORDER.

>> OKAY, TASHA, SO, DO YOU HAVE

ANY IDEA HOW MANY MEN YOU'VE

SLEPT WITH?

>> HEIFER, OF COURSE I DO.

>> OKAY, HOW MANY?

>> RICK FOX. BAM. 'NUFF SAID.

>> AND SINCE THEN?

>> OKAY, LOOK, THERE WAS, UH,

THERE WAS BERNARDO, THERE WAS

BO, DANTE.

>> OKAY, WHAT ABOUT BEFORE RICK?

>> WELL, OH, LORD, I GOT TO

START ALL THE WAY AT THE

BEGINNING.

>> OOH!

I'LL GET A PIECE OF PAPER.

>> OKAY, BUT, LOOK, I'M ONLY

GONNA NEED A POST-IT.

AND A PENCIL WITH AN ERASER.

ALL THEM ACTS WASN'T PERFORMED

INSIDE MY TEMPLE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> WANT SOME CHAMPAGNE, MALIK?

>> NO, BABY, I'M HIGH OFF LIFE.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

YOU'RE UP IN HERE IN THIS BIG

OLD BEAUTIFUL HOUSE.

I KNOW THEY GOT SOME CRYSTAL

GLASSES, AND HERE YOU ARE,

DRINKING OUT THE BOTTLE.

DIDN'T YOUR MAMA TEACH YOU NO

MANNERS?

YOU KNOW WHAT? GIVE ME THIS.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A BIRD BATH.

HA HA HA!

NOW, PUT THAT IN THE RECYCLING

BIN.

OH, LOOK.

>> WHOO!

>> J.?

>> EW.

>> I'M JUST SAYIN', I GOT TO BE

HONEST, THIS SURE BEATS A POKER

PARTY, MAN.

>> HELL, YEAH, AND AT THE END OF

THE NIGHT, YOU CAN JUST HAND ME

THE $400 YOU WOULD HAVE LOST,

SUCKER.

>> [ LAUGHS ] I DON'T THINK SO.

>> HEY, MAN, LOOK.

>> WHAT?

>> I KNOW THAT YOU AND MIRANDA

MUST BE REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS

WHOLE INFERTILITY THING.

>> MELANIE.

>> WHATEVER. MY POINT IS THIS --

KIDS ARE OVERRATED.

OKAY?

>> MM-HMM.

>> ONE DAY, YOU'RE ROCKING

THE CRADLE, THE NEXT DAY,

THEY'RE ROCKING THE INTERNET IN

A BRA AND PANTIES.

YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT ONE,

HOMEBOY.

>> WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS,

KNOWING I GOT A KID?

REMEMBER?

>> YEAH, HE'S MY GODSON.

OF COURSE I REMEMBER LITTLE --

LITTLE, UH...

Pbht!

I'M GONNA SAY RAPPER?

>> LITTLE D.J.

>> D.J. YEAH, WHATEVER.

I WAS CLOSE.

>> HEY, EITHER OF YOU BOYS WANT

ONE OF MY SPECIAL BROWNIES?

>> UH, UNH-UNH.

CAN'T RISK THE SIX-PACK.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

>> YEAH, WELL, I CAN.

I'M RETIRED.

>> DRINK IT IN...PITTS.

>> MMM. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL TAKE HIS, TOO.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> PULL YOUR SHIRT DOWN,

DINGDONG.

PEOPLE ARE EATING.

>> THEN THERE WAS THE GUY FROM

THE TOURING COMPANY OF "PURLIE."

THE BIGGER THEY COME, THE HARDER

THEY FALL.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> SO, DOES THAT MEAN YOU DID

HIM?

>> YOU MIGHT WANT TO WRITE

"'PURLIE' ONE."

I HAD A LITTLE BOOTY CALL WHEN I

WENT TO SEE IT ON BROADWAY.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> OKAY, OKAY, I'LL WRITE

"'PURLIE' NUMBER ONE" AND

"'PURLIE' NUMBER TWO."

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, SO, HOW MANY IS THAT?

>> LET'S SEE.

83.

>> YOU'RE LYING!

GIRL, YOU MUST HAVE MISCOUNTED!

>> NO!

TASHA, POST-ITS DON'T LIE.

>> OH, LORD, GIRL, I DONE BARELY

SCRATCHED THE MILLENNIUM.

OH, LORD.

ALL THIS TIME, I'VE BEEN CALLING

EVERYBODY ELSE A HO, AND I'M THE

BIGGEST HO OF THEM ALL.

>> OH, TASHA, IT'S OKAY.

YOU'RE NOT A H-- WELL, YOU'RE IN

THE VICINITY OF HO AND

DEFINITELY STROLLING HO BLOCK,

BUT IT'S OKAY.

EVERYBODY'S DONE SOMETHING WE'RE

ASHAMED OF.

>> OKAY, SO, YOU GONNA TELL ME

THAT YOU SLEPT WITH 83 GUYS?

>> OH, HELL, NO.

I'VE BARELY SLEPT WITH A

HANDFUL.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

[ Sarcastically ] WOW.

THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.

[ PAGES FLIPPING ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

OKAY, WELL...

BECAUSE I HAD AN ABORTION WITH

ONE OF THEM...

DERWIN AND I MAY NEVER BE ABLE

TO HAVE A BABY.

TO HAVE A BABY. >> WHAT?

>> WHAT?

>> I MEAN, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED

TO DO, HAVE TREY WIGGS' BABY?

I WAS STILL IN LOVE WITH DERWIN.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE END OF

THAT DREAM.

>> YOU DID WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS

RIGHT.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

AND LOOK WHAT IT GOT ME.

[ Voice breaking ] I PROBABLY

NEVERWILL BE ABLE TO GET

PREGNANT OR CARRY A CHILD.

>> YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> THE ABORTION MAY NOT HAVE

ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

>> WHATEVER.

[ SIGHS ]

IT WILL ALWAYS BE MY FAULT.

>> OKAY, YOU STOP.

YOU STOP THAT.

COME ON, NOW.

>> [ SNIFFLES ]

>> GIRL, THIS MIGHT BE A

BLESSING IN DISGUISE.

LOOK, YOU AND DERWIN, YOU GUYS

HAVE THE REST OF YOUR LIVES

TOGETHER.

Y'ALL CAN SPEND CHRISTMAS IN

PARIS....

INSTEAD OF BEING AT HOME, TRYING

TO PUT TOGETHER A DAMN PEDAL CAR

THAT YOUR KID GONNA BREAK IN

10 MINUTES.

>> STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL

BETTER.

>> NO, IT'S THE TRUTH.

I'M TELLING YOU, KIDS -- THEY

AIN'T NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

WHAT YOU DO, YOU RAISE THEM

RIGHT, YOU TEACH THEM HOW TO

THROW A BALL...

YOU GET THEM OUT THE HOOD.

AND THEN WHAT THEY DO?

THEY GO MAKE A NAME FOR

THEMSELVES, BUILD A

MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR HOUSE, LOSE

ALL THEY MONEY, AND END UP RIGHT

BACK WHERE THEY STARTED --

PUBLIC HOUSING.

[ SIGHS ]

WE GONNA NEED SOME MORE WINE.

>> WE'RE GONNA NEED SOMETHING

STRONGER THAN THAT.

>> TEQUILA IT IS.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> OH, I LOVE YOU, CELIE.

>> [ GASPS ]

>> YEAH, I USED TO HAVE A

BIG-ASS MANSION AND ALL THE

TOYS.

SHOOT. ONCE YOU START OWNING

THAT STUFF, IT STARTS TO OWN

YOU.

HAD TO PULL THE STAKES UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[ CHUCKLES ]

NOW I'M CRIBBING AT THE

EASTERN HOTEL.

YEP.

>> THIS HERE IS A HOTEL?

>> GIVE ME THE BOTTLE.

>> OH.

>> GIVE ME THE BOTTLE.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST

GLASSES?

GLASSES.

WILL YOU GUYS PLEASE TELL ME I

WAS NOT THAT DAMN IGNORANT

BEFORE MY SOBRIETY.

>> SHH, SHH. SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

I'M REASSEMBLING THE CHICKEN.

>> WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH

YOU?

>> "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG

WITH YOU?"

THAT'S HOW YOU SPEAK TO A

PALEONTOLOGIST?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> YOU GONNA EAT ALL THAT

CHICKEN BY YOURSELF?

>> [ Chuckling ] DUDE.

DINGDONG TOLD ME IT WERE GOOD.

HE DIDN'T TELL ME HOWGOOD,

HOWCRISP, HOWFLAVORFUL,

HOW...

DELICATE.

THEY'RE DELICATE.

I'M JUST SAYING.

THEY'RE THE PERFECT COMBINATION

OF SALT AND SPICE, STYLE AND

SUBSTANCE, ASHFORD AND SIMPSON.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

WHAT IS THAT, PAPRIKA?!

TEE TEE, YOU'RE A WARLOCK.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> DAWG, DID YOU HAVE SOME OF

THOSE BROWNIES, JASON?

>> WHAT?

>> DID HAVE YOU SOME OF THE

BROWNIES, JASON?

>> YEAH, HAD ABOUT FOUR OR FIVE

OF THEM, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE I

WAS LIFTED TO THE HIGHEST

HEIGHTS...

ON THE ANGELIC WINGS OF CHICKEN.

[ CLUCKING ]

>> WHAT ABOUT YOU, DAWG?

YOU HAVE SOME OF THE BROWNIES?

>> WHAT?!

>> DINGDONG, DID HAVE YOU SOME

BROWNIES?

>> NINJA, ARE YOU CRAZY?

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU SEEN

THIS BODY, MAN?

I DON'T PUT NOTHING IN IT THAT'S

NOT NUTRITIOUS.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

MATTER OF FACT, I WANT TO POUR

SOME OUT FOR MY HOMIES THAT ARE

NOT HERE, ESPECIALLY MY FROZEN

EMBRYOS...

DUKE, TERESA, LUCA,

CHARLIE, SHEEN, MARA, CELINE,

ICE CUBE.

>> DINGDONG, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL,

MAN.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, DAWG?

OKAY, LOOK, SIT DOWN, DAWG.

SIT YOUR ASS -- OKAY, SIT DOWN.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO GRAB.

>> SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, DAWG.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> AND, YOU, THE BROWNIES THAT

YOU ATE GOT SOMETHING EXTRA IN

THEM.

>> WHAT WAS IT, PEANUTS?

>> NO.

>> YOU KNOW I'M ALLERGIC TO

PEANUTS.

I'M ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS!

>> JASON --

>> I'M ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS!

LISTEN UP, PEOPLE.

WHO HAS AN EpiPen?

WE NEED A MEDIC!

>> IT IS NOT PEANUTS, MAN.

>> I CAN FEEL MY THROAT

CLOSING IN.

POKE IT WITH A PEN.

>> COME HERE.

>> WE GOT TO POKE IT WITH A PEN.

>> COME HERE.

IT AIN'T PEANUTS.

>> HUH?

>> OKAY?

SOMETHING HERBAL, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, JUST ENJOY THE LITTLE

ROLLER COASTER YOU'RE ON AND

JUST RELAX, OKAY?

JUST CHILL.

>> CHILL?! CHILL?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHILL?

HUH?

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT WAS I JUST TALKING ABOUT?

>> UH...

>> WHAT AM I DOING?

LOOK AT THE MESS I'VE MADE OF

MY LIFE.

I WAS A HORRIBLE HUSBAND.

I'M A HORRIBLE FATHER.

AM I A HORRIBLE FATHER?

>> YES.

>> OF COURSE I'M A HORRIBLE

FATHER.

I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON.

I'M A HORRIBLE, LIGHT-SKINNED

BLACK PERSON.

HORRIBLE ROLE MODEL.

I -- I - I CHEAT ON MY TAXES.

I HAVE A FAKE HANDICAP PLACARD.

I DID STEROIDS.

>> I KNEW YOU DID STEROIDS.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

I MEAN, I -- I KNEW.

I KNEW YOU DID STEROIDS.

LIKE YOU -- YOU DID STEROIDS.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,

STEROIDS?

WHO SAID I DID STEROIDS?

>> JASON?

>> NO ONE SAID I DID STEROIDS.

>> NO ONE SAID YOU DID STEROIDS?

>> [ MUTTERING ]

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

>> HEY, GIRL.

SO, UH, RUMOR HAS IT THAT

SOMEBODY IN HERE DID STEROIDS.

YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT?

>> NO.

>> BOOGIE ON, REGGAE WOMAN.

SAY, MAMA.

SO, UH, WORD ON THE STREET IS

THAT SOMEONE IN HERE IS ON THE

JUICE.

>> THE JUICE?

WHAT KIND OF JUICE?

GIN AND JUICE?

GIN AND JUICE? >> BOOGIE ON, REGGAE WOMAN.

>> BOOGIE ON, REGGAE WOMAN.

OKAY, MAKE IT STOP.

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ] [ HUMMING ]

[ HUMMING ]

>> TASHA, YOU THINK GOD IS

PUNISHING ME FOR HAVING AN

ABORTION?

>> GIRL, THE LORD IS TOO BUSY TO

BE WORRIED ABOUT YOU, OKAY?

HE BLOWING OUT VOLCANOS AND

PICKING SUPER BOWL WINNERS.

>> JUST BEEN SO HARD, NOT HAVING

ANYONE TO TALK TO, ESPECIALLY

DERWIN.

>> MM.

>> I MEAN, HE KNOWS THAT IT WAS

MY FAULT, BUT HE DOESN'T SAY IT,

AND THAT I APPRECIATE, BUT I

KNOW HE'S STILL THINKING IT.

>> OR MAYBE HE ISN'T.

OKAY, HONEY?

WE HAVE ALL DONE THINGS IN OUR

PAST THAT WE ARE NOT PROUD OF.

OKAY? I'VE DONE 83 AND COUNTING.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

I JUST MAY HAVE TO CLOSE UP

SHOP.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

>> I'M GONNA ROLL UP THAT

WELCOME MAT.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> I AM, AND I'M GONNA PUT A

SIGN RIGHT THERE THAT'S GONNA

SAY, "AFTER 26 YEARS OF SERVICE,

THIS FACTORY IS NOW CLOSED."

>> YOU DO NOT MEAN THAT.

>> YES, I DO!

GIRL, WHY DO YOU THINK I MOVED

TO THIS HOTEL?

OKAY, I MEAN, YEAH, I WANTED TO

FOCUS ON MALIK'S CAREER, BUT,

GIRL, I'M SO TIRED OF COMING

HOME TO THAT BIG OLD LONELY

HOUSE.

IT WAS, LIKE, EVERY NIGHT, IT

WAS JUST A CONSTANT REMINDER OF

WHAT A FAILURE I AM WHEN IT

COMES TO LOVE.

>> Tsk. YOU ARE NOT.

>> YES, I AM.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHO HELPED ME

PICK OUT THAT HOUSE?

RICK.

FAILURE.

YOU KNOW WHO I TRIED TO FILL

THAT HOUSE WITH?

DANTE.

FAILURE.

>> YEAH, TASHA, BUT THAT WAS IN

THE PAST.

YOU CAN STILL FIND LOVE.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT

OR CALL ROOM SERVICE FOR IT.

>> PLEASE. I AM DONE.

OKAY?

I'M GONNA DIE A DRIED-UP

OLD LADY LIVING IN A HOTEL, BUT

AT LEAST A MAID WILL FIND MY

BODY.

AND I'M GONNA TIP HER IN

ADVANCE, TOO, SO SHE CAN MAKE

SURE I HAVE ON MY SUNDAY WEAVE

AND I AIN'T GOT NOTHING STUCK IN

MY TEETH.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> WELL, I GUESS I'LLPUT UP A

SIGN, TOO.

MINE WILL SAY, "FOR RECREATIONAL

PURPOSES ONLY."

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> YOU KNOW, WE EVEN TRIED

IN VITRO FERTILIZATION.

>> MM-HMM. Y'ALL WAS TRYING TO

HAVE EIGHT BABIES AT ONCE.

>> TASHA, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

IMPLANT EIGHT EMBRYOS.

YOU CAN DO ONE OR TWO.

HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.

THOUSANDS OF WOMEN DO THIS

ALL THE TIME WITHOUT HAVING

MULTIPLE BIRTHS.

>> MM-HMM.

>> OKAY.

SO...

[ CHIME RINGS ]

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHY DO I HAVE LIKE 12 NEW SOCIAL

ALERTS?

>> MNH-MNH MNH.

>> PEOPLE KEEP ON MESSAGING

ABOUT A PARTY.

LET'S SEE. MM.

"HEY MELANIE, THANKS FOR NOT

INVITING US TO YOUR PARTY.

NICE PHOTO PICS."

>> MM.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

OH, WOW.

TEE TEE IS POSTING PHOTOS OF A

PARTY.

[ SNICKERS ]

WAIT A MINUTE.

ISN'T THAT MYHOUSE?

>> MM-HMM.

>> ISN'T THAT MYCOUNTERTOP?

>> MM-HMM. [ LAUGHS ]

>> THAT SKANK IS STANDING ON MY

KITCHEN COUNTERTOP!

WAIT A MINUTE!

ISN'T THAT MY GRANDMOTHER'S

CHINA?!

THESE PEOPLE ARE EATING THEIR

GREASY CHICKEN AND BISCUITS ON

MY BEAUTIFUL FAMILY HEIRLOOM!

>> SEE, THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO

GET YOU ONE OF THEM CHINA

HUTCHES, AND YOU CAN JUST

LOCK UP ALL YOUR GOOD STUFF AND

JUST BUY YOU SOME CHINET.

>> TASHA, THERE'S A RAGING PARTY

GOING ON AT MY HOUSE.

THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO TALK

ABOUT DINNERWARE!

>> I'M JUST SAYIN'!

OKAY, CHINET GOT SOME BEAUTIFUL

STUFF, GIRL.

THEY GOT ALL DIFFERENT KIND OF

COLORS, HONEY.

THEY EVEN GOT THEM MATCHING

SPORKS YOU CAN USE.

>> OH, MY GOD.

DERWIN SAID THAT HE WAS JUST

HAVING A SMALL POKER

GET-TOGETHER.

NOW, WHY WOULD HE DO THIS,

ESPECIALLY NOW?!

>> OKAY, MELANIE, HONEY, CALM

DOWN.

OKAY?

IT'S PROBABLY JUST A PART OF HIS

PROCESS, ALL RIGHT?

YOU GOT TO ALLOW THAT MAN TO

GRIEVE IN HIS OWN WAY.

>> MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> DAMN IT, I KNOW I'M RIGHT,

OKAY?

JUST THE SAME WAY THAT YOU'RE

HANDLING YOURS.

TALKING ABOUT PUTTING YOUR EGGS

IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S UTERUS.

>> I'M NOT PUTTING MY EGGS IN

SOMEONE ELSE'S UTERUS.

>> MM-HMM.

>> NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN GO

THROUGH HIRING SOME STRANGER TO

CARRY THE MOST PRECIOUS THING IN

OUR LIVES FOR NINE MONTHS.

>> THEN WHAT ABOUT A RELATIVE?

WHAT ABOUT THAT LITTLE SKINNY

COUSIN OF YOURS -- JOAN?

>> SHE HATES ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T

INVITE HER TO OUR WEDDING.

I'D HAVE LESS OF A CHANCE WITH

HER THAN I WOULD WITH YOU TO ASK

TO CARRY OUR BABY.

"HEY, TASHA, WOULD YOU MIND IF I

THROW MY EGGS IN YOUR RUSTY OLD

SKILLET?"

>> GIRL, YOU'D BE LUCKY TO USE

MY ALL-CLAD COOKWARE TO INCUBATE

YOUR EGGS, HONEY.

MY CALPHALON, MY LE CREUSET.

MY COOCHIE SPIT OUT STARS.

>> OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S IT!

>> WHAT'S WHAT?

>> TASHA, CAN DERWIN AND I USE

YOUR LE CREUSET TO COOK OUR

BABIES?

>> HELL, NO.

PLEASE, I'M WITH JOAN ON THAT.

>> BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE GIVING

UP SEX ANYWAY, RIGHT?

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA USE YOUR

GIRLY PARTS, MAYBE WE CAN BORROW

THEM.

ONCE YOU POP THE BABY OUT, YOU

CAN RETIRE FOR GOOD.

IT'LL BE LIKE GIVING YOUR UTERUS

THE LAST HURRAH.

>> IT WOULD BE NICE TO SEE ALL

OF THIS DOWN HERE GO OUT IN A

BLAZE OF GLORY.

I COULD DO SOMETHING MEANINGFUL

INSTEAD OF SOMETHING I MIGHT

INSTEAD OF SOMETHING I MIGHT REGRET THE NEXT MORNING.

REGRET THE NEXT MORNING.

OKAY.

I'LL DO IT.

I'LL BE YOUR SKILLET.

>> OH, MY GOD, TASHA, THANK YOU!

OH!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

OH, MY GOD!

NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS

CONVINCE DERWIN.

>> [ Sighing ] OKAY.

>> OH, MY GOD.

WE'RE HAVING A BABY!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> YEAH, CAN I SPEAK TO JENNA,

PLEASE?

WHAT'S UP, BABY?

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT YOU DOING?

YEAH?

HOW WAS REHAB?

[ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, HANGING OUT HERE WITH

THESE DRUNK FOOLS MAKES ME

THESE DRUNK FOOLS MAKES ME MISS IT.

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