Original subtitles

>> [gasps] I don't care

if she's on the "Real Housewives

Of Beverly Hills,"

we are at maximum capacity.

Uh, why are her eyes fair?

The uniform look is smoky eye,

okay?

You sit, and you smoke, now.

>> So, Melanie,

let's talk lighting.

I was told there would be

diffusion.

I specifically requested

the full Mariah Carey.

>> Uh, Jason, you can MC

without diffusion.

>> Can I?

>> Uh, okay, fine.

You can have your diffusion.

>> Mellie, don't panic,

but we're missing some models.

>> What?

Bren, I don't have time

for this.

This show starts in like

half an hour.

Where are those models?

>> Ooh.

>> One m'dear, two m'dear,

three m'dear.

>> [laughs]

>> *

>> [gasps] Cool it

with the steamer, Bren.

It's Cachure,

not a chicken breast.

>> Uh, Bren.

>> What's wrong now, Melanie?

>> This, it's on the wrong rack.

Every model was assigned a look,

okay?

Which is how we're telling

a story through fashion.

Do you have any idea how long

it took me to plan this?

Every look is locked.

I've got too much riding

on this thing, okay?

I've built it up like

it's gonna be bigger than

"New York Fashion Week.

"So, I've gotta pull this off

so I can shut it down Tash's

throat, because I know she's out

there just waiting for me

to fail.

>> Oh I cannot wait this heifer

to fail.

It's time to get my heckle

the hell on.

>> Really, Ms. Mack?

>> Mm-hmm.

>> I mean that's the, that's

the level we're stooping

to this evening, huh?

>> You're damn straight, old

fashion show stealing ass.

I'm serious, I'm just gonna sit

back, I'm just gonna watch all

this mess just blow up

in Melanie's face.

Just tick, tick, boom.

[laughs]

>> All right, come on,

let's go sit down.

>> Heckle time.

>> Oh.

>> Well, might have a little

trouble seeing that exposure

from here.

>> Really?

These are our seats?

>> Okay, whatever.

You know what?

As long as I got my sour patch

kids, it's on.

>> Pit stop, what?

Heckle time!

>> [laughs]

>> [phone rings]

>> Oh, if that's Malik, tell him

to come from backstage, because

we gotta word-shot

these heckles.

>> Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna go

backstage and tell him.

>> [laughs]

>> Right?

>> Say, James?

>> Tasha.

[clears throat] Hilda.

Do me a favor, give us a moment?

Here.

>> Thank you.

Okay, you know what?

You must have lost your damn

mind bringing another woman

to my event.

>> You weren't supposed

to be here.

Last time you completely ruined

my good time by talking about

how much you hate these people.

>> Irrelevant, okay?

We had an agreement,

the sole exclusivity.

And you are now in breech

of that contract.

And you can take your ass

to small claims court.

>> Look, Tasha, I'm a gigolo.

I slang my penis, which you know

very damn well ain't small,

for a living, all right?

That woman over there, she's

paying tens of thousands

of dollars for it.

She's whale.

>> And you're ass.

>> *

>> Okay so you're Pam, Madison

and Trudy.

>> [laughs]

>> No, Bianca.

>> Kylie.

>> And Margo.

>> Yeah, exactly.

Just crossing all the t's,

know what I'm saying?

>> [laughs]

>> Well, why don't you

let us dot your i's.

>> Oh yeah.

>> Mmm.

>> Are you ready?

>> Oh hell yeah I'm ready.

>> [laughs]

>> This is ready?

>> Well I'm about to be ready.

[laughs]

>> It doesn't feel like

you're about to be ready.

>> Are you sure you know

what ready is?

>> Yo, look, sometimes being

ready just takes a second.

>> You're not ready.

>> No, you're not ready at all.

>> Oh, God, I'm not ready.

>> [sighs] It's okay, Malik,

it happens to guys all the time.

>> Yeah.

Just usually not with one of us.

[laughs]

>> Definitely not with three

of us.

>> No.

[laughs]

>> This does not happen to me,

okay?

You know what?

Let's try this again, all right?

Okay?

Now while you're kissing on me,

you kiss on her.

>> Margo, can you put down

the damn steak you got, come on.

>> [kissing sounds]

>> Oh, okay, um, all right,

you know what?

How about, how about we switch?

>> All right, and, now while

you're kissing her on the neck,

just get in the ear a little

bit, all right?

Dig in the ear, okay?

All right?

Ready?

Go!

>> [kissing sounds]

>> Uh!

What the hell is wrong with me?

>> This does not happen

to Malik Ray.

I stay rocked up.

My flag ain't never

at half mass.

>> Shoot, I'm always

at full attention.

I could get up in a tub full

of ice looking at a picture

of Betty White's shoulder.

>> Well, by any chance, did you

have a lot to drink tonight?

Because that will definitely

make your winky go womp womp.

>> I don't drink.

I just got out of rehab.

>> Oh my God, me too!

Where did you go?

>> You know what?

I'm under a lot of stress.

That could be it.

Yeah, I'm gonna go with that!

I'm under a lot of stress.

Lord, if I can't get up, I, I,

I--get out!

I'm gonna blow my brains out.

>> Look, Malik, you may not want

to talk about rehab, but it

provides you with the basics.

That sometimes you gotta dig

deep, and deal with those things

that you may not want

to deal with.

Like why you want to get

your breasts done.

When you're not even sure

the guy you're getting them for

even cares!

See, now you've run on with your

silicone just lingerin limbo.

>> The point I'm trying to make

is that--

>> Aidan is a douche.

>> Don't talk about him

like that.

>> I'm sorry I had to say it,

I've been holding it in.

>> You do not even know him.

First of all, okay,

she doesn't even know.

>> MARGO: No, no, no,

he's whack.

>> You don't even have

a boyfriend.

>> Whack.

This guy is so whack.

>> Okay!

I know what the problem is!

I know what the problem is!

Woo!

>> Hello?

>> I mean, I would take Alek Wek

over Tyra Banks any day.

>> Perhaps it's my African

animalistic instincts trying

to resurface, but I would love

to return to the Motherland

someday.

>> Dude, I'm from Cincinnati.

>> Oh.

So you wanna go get a 40 after

this?

>> Terrence, where's Malik?

I need the car keys cause

I'm ready to go.

>> What happened?

>> It's Renardo.

James Evram, fool.

>> He showed up with another

woman so apparently he's not

yeah I'm gonna being there

for me like he said he was.

>> I'm sorry, Ms. Mack, Malik

took the Rover.

>> Well, well, well yet another

man dumps, Tasha M'sack.

>> If I didn't know any better,

I think you might die a bitter

old lonely woman.

But then again, you have

your extensive collection

of Ah sick black sitcoms

to keep you company.

>> [laughs]

>> I would hardly call "Homeboys

In Outer Space" a classic.

>> Shut up, Tee Tee.

>> You know what?

You better tend to your own

house cards, starting with

your joke of a fashion show.

Ha!

>> [laughs]

>> Well the joke's on you.

Because guess what?

You're not allowed backstage.

Security!

Can you please escort this man

pusher back to her strategically

placed crappy seats?

>> Now hey, look, I got a Swiss

army knife in my shoe, and it's

been bothering me all day, okay?

So don't play with me.

Don't play with me.

All right, you know what,

little girl?

Look around, look around, okay?

This is exactly why

you ain't got no friends.

>> You know, I don't have time

for this.

Okay, because I have to run

your fashion show.

>> Oh okay, okay.

All right.

So ain't nobody escorting me

out, so what you gonna do?

I'm gonna be here all day.

>> Please.

Thank you.

>> Yeah, whatever.

>> TASHA: Hey, okay, man.

Okay, fall back.

I got this.

>> Okay, Tasha, look.

I messed up, all right?

But don't let my one little faux

pas ruin this special thing

we have between us.

>> Look, for your information,

your thing ain't that special.

>> You know we can fix this,

right?

How about tomorrow we hook up,

and smash for free, huh?

Huh?

I'll even do that little kicking

foot thing you like, all right?

>> All right, look, I'm just

gonna come out and say it.

I love you.

>> T minus 10 minutes, Melanie.

>> Hmm?

>> T minus 10 minutes.

>> Oh, oh.

All right, um, can I please have

everyone's attention?

>> [background commotion]

>> Shut the hell up!

>> Ah, thank you.

Now, we're about to start

this thing, okay?

And I need you guys

to get real focused.

There's a lot of people serving,

oh God, what are the kids saying

now?

Hmm, hate-orade.

>> And they don't want this show

to be a success.

This is about redemption,

people.

>> I thought this was

for charity.

>> I hired you for charity.

>> Quick question, how am I

supposed to sing my opening

ballad with no mic check?

>> Mic check.

>> Mi, may, mi, mo, me, may, mi,

mo.

>> Come on, Tasha, look we can

work this out.

>> Look I told you, okay?

I am officially done paying

your ass for sex!

>> [crowd gasps]

>> Finally, the mics are hot.

>> Well don't judge lest ye

be judged.

>> *

>> Are you okay?

>> Don't nobody need your pity,

pity giver.

>> Look, Tasha, I didn't come

here to give pity.

In fact I came here

to commend you.

It takes a strong, brave,

open-minded woman to pay a man

for sex.

The kind of woman who has

shoplifted steaks or smoked

while pregnant.

>> Look, the point is,

you live life according

to your own rules.

No one else's.

And who gives a damn what

anybody else thinks?

>> I don't, especially you.

So bye.

>> I tried.

What the hell?

Uh, hello?

Oh my God, it's locked.

Hello!

>> [knocking]

>> MELANIE: Open this damn door.

>> Okay I'm, I'm sorry, you

guys, I'm sorry but it's

for your own good.

>> MELANIE: Ah!

>> What's going on?

>> Nothing much, just got

a couple of hard heads trapped

in the bathroom.

>> Oh cool.

Loves me a good prank.

>> Some dope sneakers,

ding dong.

>> Yeah.

>> MELANIE: Are you wearing

sneakers, Derwin?

Is he wearing sneakers, Jason?

I specifically told you this was

an upscale event.

>> Okay, there's more important

things than my kicks right now.

>> I mean she's not wrong,

it is a little gauche.

>> Don't peace.

>> TASHA: Move your sneakers.

Okay, y'all got two seconds

to open up this door

or you're gonna have a piece.

>> Two.

>> Yeah, I'm sorry, ladies,

it's show time.

>> MELANIE: Oh my God.

>> Jenna.

Jenna.

>> Hey, everybody,

Malik Wright's back.

My man, what are you in for

this time?

>> Dude, I'm not using, man.

>> Ah!

It's crystal meth, isn't it?

Hey, hey, you don't have any

on you, do you?

>> No, okay?

I said I ain't using.

Where is Jenna?

>> JENNA: Hey, stranger.

>> Jenna.

Wow, I see you took it

to the next level, I see.

>> [laughs]

>> Thank you.

What are you doing here, Malik?

>> Well, you know how you asked

for some time to heal

and I've given you that.

I just want to know what's up

with us, you know?

Am I waiting for you,

you waiting for me?

[laughs]

>> What's her name?

>> What?

>> Girl, I'm offended.

[laughs]

>> Malik it's Saturday night

and your fly is down.

>> Bianca, Kylie and Margo.

[laughs] You know I got that

weird thing with odd numbers.

>> Mmm.

>> Nothing happened though.

I couldn't even pull

the trigger.

Shoot I couldn't even load

the bullets in the gun.

>> Ol' Malik would've been able

to shoot them bullets all over

and through those chicks.

Pow, pow, pow.

>> I don't want to mess things

up with you again, Jenna.

Your trust means everything

to me, baby.

I just want to make sure

you're cool.

>> So you came here to get

my permission to cheat?

>> No, no.

Baby, if I'm with you, I'm

in this, I'm here for the ride.

I just need to know.

>> Well I can't stand here and

tell you to wait until I get

better, because I don't know how

long that's gonna be.

Plus you haven't been celibate,

you haven't been celibate

since you were 12.

>> 9.

She was 18, she was legal.

>> Was I molested?

>> Oh my lord.

Um...

Look, I want to be with you.

But it's unrealistic for me to

think you're gonna go the next

however many months without sex.

So...

I give you my blessing

to spread your wings.

Or your legs, or whatever else

it is you need to spread.

>> You know I still love you,

right?

>> I know.

I know.

>> *

>> What the hell is he singing?

>> Yamo freaking dida ya.

>> You are screwing with me,

ain't you?

>> I can't believe they've gone

rogue with my fashion show.

>> Well you stop whining?

I swear that is the one thing

that I do not miss about you,

you're just always whining.

>> Uh, trust me there are

several things that you've done

that I've gladly live without

for the past few months.

All the I popping, and neck

rolling, and threats to cut off

people's hair.

>> Look, girl, I only threatened

to cut off your hair one time,

okay?

And that's cause you was just

whipping it and flaunting it

like it was better than mine.

>> You know what?

That's your problem.

You're always thinking you're

better than everybody else.

>> I don't think I'm better

than anyone.

Maybe smarter, and more

educated, and a bit

more stylish.

But certainly not better.

>> And what about you,

mean girl?

>> Mean girl?

Please, you the one that

called me man creep tonight

and relationship killer.

>> I was angry.

>> Angry.

Oh, right, right.

You know what?

You are always something.

That's why you always got some

ridiculous excuse to justify

your horrible behavior.

You always gotta be

so damn justified!

>> Well I am justified!

>> Oh, oh, right, right.

So you were justified

in forcing me to fire my son?

And then justified in what,

stabbing me in my back

and then firing me?

Oh you were justified in trying

to take my endorsement money and

then stealing my fashion show.

Come on, face it, Melanie,

you ain't nothing but

a self-absorbed, self-centered,

self-justified little B-I-T-C-H,

okay?

Oh, you know what?

I'm gonna say it.

You're a bitch, Melanie.

You're a little bitchy bitch.

>> I am so sick and tired of you

thinking you can talk down to me

and treating me any old

kind of way.

That's part of the reason why I

felt so justified in firing you,

because you are a belittling

condescending meanie.

Mmm, a bully. A B-U-L-L-Y,

a bully, bitch.

Oh!

>> Oh!

>> [screams]

>> Dammit, Melanie, you're gonna

have to come out some time.

>> No I don't.

It is very comfortable in here

and there's plenty of water.

>> You know what?

It's just like your ass to just

run and hide just like

a little coward.

Too afraid to face your

problems, you're always scared.

You've been too afraid to even

come out and apologize to me

for all the pain

that you've caused me.

>> MELANIE: What?

That's a lie.

I do apologize, and I've

apologized a million times.

Didn't I?

Didn't I?

>> No, Melanie, you didn't.

>> Uh, I thought I did.

Are you sure?

Oh my God, I am so embarrassed.

I have said some of the most

selfish, mean, inconsiderate

things to you over the past

few months.

Tasha, I never wanted it

to turn out like this.

I mean, you are my friend.

Hell, one of my only friends.

I miss you so much.

>> [crying]

>> I'm...

So...

So...

So.. So...

Sorry.

>> Come here, bitch.

>> [crying]

>> We ain't friends,

we're family.

With family, you don't have

to say it,

you've just gotta mean it.

>> Okay, so let's try this

again.

>> Are you ready?

>> I am ready.

>> Huh, he is ready.

>> Girl, he is so ready.

>> I told y'all I'm ready.

Are y'all ready?

>> I don't know if we're ready.

>> Ooh.

[laughs]

>> So the spotlights were gonna

come down like sa-sa.

>> Right, right, right, right,

right.

>> Okay.

And then the models were gonna

come out like pa-pa.

>> Wow!

>> Pa-pa-pa-pa.

>> Ooh, what a dance.

[laughs]

>> Tasha.

>> What?

>> In the spirit of our historic

relationship, can we please

stop degrading each other

with the 'b' word?

>> The 'b' word, girl I call you

that all the time.

You ain't never had a problem

with the 'b' word before.

>> Uh, never mind.

>> All right, that was my last

time saying the word.

>> MELANIE: Okay.

>> All right, I'm done with it.

>> Ooh, okay, why don't we

come up with a new term

of endearment?

How about...

Ratchety Dan?

>> MELANIE: Okay.

>> All right, okay.

We're gonna work it out

with Ratchety Dan.

>> I like that.

That's clever.

>> TASHA: That's it.

>> So.

[laughs]

>> The best part, was gonna be

my final bow.

>> TASHA: Right, right, right,

right.

>> I was gonna come flying down

from the ceiling

like Chris Brown.

>> TASHA: Really?

>> Well, less of a bow

and more like a swoosh.

Watch, watch, watch, watch.

>> TASHA: Okay.

>> Cue music.

>> Cuing.

>> [laughs]

>> *

>> Swoosh.

>> [laughs]

>> Bravo, bravo.

Girl, you keep going like that,

I just might let you model.

>> *

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