Original subtitles

>> HEY, BUDDY!

HOW YOU DOING TODAY, HUH?

GOOD, FELLA?

>> BITE ME.

>> OKAY.

THAT'S BETTER THAN YESTERDAY,

WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE A SWAN

DIVE OFF THE ROOF.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, TEE TEE?

[ CHUCKLES ]

TODAY IS MY LAST DAY AT MY CRIB,

MAN.

CAN A BROTHER JUST ENJOY HIS

POOL IN PRIVATE ONE LAST TIME,

PLEASE?

>> YEAH. OKAY.

YEAH, I'LL JUST SIT HERE REAL

QUIET, MAN.

YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW I'M HERE.

>> GOOD.

>> GOOD. >> I'LL BE LIKE A GHOST.

>> I'LL BE LIKE A GHOST.

HEY, UH, THE WEATHER'S REALLY

NICE, THOUGH, HUH?

I MEAN, THE DAY REALLY CAME

TOGETHER REAL NICE.

>> DUDE!

WHY ARE YOU HERE, TEE TEE?

>> YOUR MOM TOLD ME TO COME OVER

AND CHECK ON YOU.

I MEAN, YOU JUST SOLD YOUR

HOUSE, MAN.

IT'S A PRETTY BIG DEAL.

>> MAN, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I'M GONNA SOLDIER THROUGH THIS.

>> COME ON, MALIK.

YOU DON'T GOT TO PUT THAT FRONT

UP FOR ME.

I'VE ONLY SEEN YOU WEAR THEM

SHADES TWO TIMES --

UNCLE RAY RAY'S FUNERAL AND

WHEN THEY CANCELED

"SMALL WONDER."

>> THAT ROBOT HAD HEART, MAN.

>> AND SO DO YOU.

SO I'M JUST CHECKING ON YOU,

MAN, MAKING SURE YOU'RE GOOD,

YOU'RE NOT OVER HERE, OFFING

YOURSELF OR DRINKING...

ANYTHING STRONGER THAN LEMONADE.

>> YOU PUT YOUR NOSE IN MY DRINK

WITH YOUR NASTY ASS?

KEEP IT.

>> SO LOOK, MAN, IF YOU NEED A

PLACE TO CRASH, YOU KNOW I'VE

GOT A FUTON WITH YOUR NAME ON

IT, RIGHT?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, I DO KNOW, 'CAUSE YOUR

THIEVING ASS STOLE MY

MONOGRAMMED SHEETS.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

HEY, SO, IS THAT THE COUPLE

THAT'S BUYING YOUR HOUSE?

>> YEP.

ACCELERATED ESCROW.

[ SCOFFS ]

IMPATIENT BASTARDS.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA BE

LIVING IN A FAMOUS PERSON'S

HOUSE!

CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

>> YEAH.

>> HEY, SEE THAT?

NOTHING ELSE, YOU STILL GOT YOUR

FANS.

>> HERE YOU GO, LITTLE MAN.

NOW YOU FRAME THAT.

NOW YOU FRAME THAT. >> YOU'RE NOT CUBA GOODING JR.?

>> YOU'RE NOT CUBA GOODING JR.?

>> ROSA, ARE YOU STILL HERE?

OH, I GET IT.

IT'S TOUGH.

YOU CAN'T LEAVE YOUR BOY, HUH?

>> NO, I CAN LEAVE.

THE NEW FAMILY PAY ME DOUBLE.

>> YEAH, WHATEVER.

LOOK, ROSA, WHEN YOU WAS PACKING

MY STUFF, DID YOU SEE A LITTLE,

SMALL CIGAR BOX?

>> NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.

>> NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT. >> HMM.

>> HMM.

>> HEY, MAN, LET ME GET THESE.

>> NO!

>> WHY?!

LOOK, MAN, YOU CAN'T TAKE ALL

THIS STUFF TO THE HOTEL WITH

YOU, AND I KNOW YOU DON'T NEED

NO REMINDERS OF ALL THE MONEY

YOU WASTED.

>> WHAT MONEY I WASTED, TEE TEE?

>> WELL, LIKE ON CLOTHES, FOR

INSTANCE.

YOU WEAR SOMETHING ONCE, YOU

THROW IT AWAY.

>> THAT AIN'T WASTING MONEY.

THAT'S KEEPING IT FRESH TO DEAF.

>> HEY, MR. MALIK?

>> WHAT?!

>> CAN I SEND THESE CLOTHES TO

MY FAMILY?

>> HELL NO!

THROW THOSE CLOTHES IN THE TRASH

AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

GIRL, I...

DAMN!

[ SIGHS ]

THIS HOUSE HAS BEEN REAL GOOD TO

ME, TEE TEE.

BEST SIX MONTHS OF MY LIFE, MAN.

BEST SIX MONTHS.

HUH!

DON'T YOU KNOW, I AM LITTLE MAC,

VON KAISER!

BOOM! TKO.

[ LAUGHS ]

YO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING,

GOLDMEMBER?!

I WAS ABOUT TO GO PUT THE

WHUPPING ON KING HIPPO'S

THROWBACK ASS.

>> YEAH, WELL, KING HIPPO'S ASS

CAN WAIT.

DERWIN, I'M BORED!

I WANT TO GO OUT.

>> GIVE ME...

[ SIGHS ] ALL RIGHT, FINE.

THEN GO OUT THEN, MEL.

>> NO, NO, DERWIN.

I WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU, ON A

DATE.

HOW ABOUT HAPPY HOUR AT THAT

HOTEL, THE EASTON?

OH! DROP BAR.

>> HA! PLEASE.

THE ONLY REASON WHY YOU WANT TO

GO TO THE DROP BAR IS TO MESS

AROUND WITH TASHA.

>> NO, I DON'T.

DROP BAR IS LIKE THE HOTTEST

LOUNGE IN SAN DIEGO.

BESIDES, WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF US

EVEN RUNNING INTO TASHA?

IT'S CALLED HAPPY HOUR FOR A

REASON.

>> MELANIE, YOU ALREADY TOOK

THE WOMAN'S FASHION SHOW.

ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

>> DERWIN, THIS ISN'T ABOUT

TASHA, OKAY?

AND SHE DOESN'T OWN DROP BAR.

>> OKAY, I AM NOT GONNA BE PART

OF THIS WICKEDRY, SHE-DEVIL.

IN FACT, I CAST YOU OUT.

PUFF, POW. BEGONE.

>> DERWIN, I'M NOT LETTING UP,

SO YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE IN,

OKAY?

OTHERWISE, YOU WILL BE FIGHTING

ALL NIGHT LONG, AND I'M NOT

TALKING ABOUT WITH MIKE TYSON.

>> AAH!

>> NOW COME ON.

LET'S GO.

>> HIS INJURY AND THE LEAGUE

GOING ON STRIKE DEFINITELY HURT

HIM.

AND WHILE THE ODDS ARE AGAINST

TIO MAKING A MIDSEASON RETURN,

DON'T STICK A FORK IN HIM YET.

RYAN, HOW'S THAT?

ARE MY LEVELS OKAY?

>> THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

JUST KEEP TALKING.

WE'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE GOT

ENOUGH.

>> OKAY.

>> OH, WHAT'S THIS?

GOT A STAND-IN FILLING IN FOR

ME?

LOOKS ARE COMPARABLE.

I THINK MY TATAS ARE A LITTLE

BIGGER.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> JASON, THAT'S SUMMER GRAYSON.

>> OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SHE LOOKS SMALLER ON TV.

HOW'D YOU GET HER TO BE MY

STAND-IN?

>> LISTEN, WE BROUGHT YOU DOWN

HERE BECAUSE WE NEED TO TALK.

>> IS THIS ABOUT THE BATHROOM

THING?

AGAIN, DUDE, I TOLD YOU, I

ALWAYS DOUBLE FLUSH.

IT WASN'T ME.

>> NO, JASON.

>> HEY, SUMMER GRAYSON.

>> HI.

>> KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, GIRL.

MAYBE ONE DAY, YOU'LL HAVE YOUR

OWN SHOW, TOO, JUST LIKE THE

DIP, HUH?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM YET.

>> TALKED TO ME ABOUT WHAT?

You told her about the

bathroom incident?!

>> NO.

J-JASON, SUMMER LEFT ESPN.

SHE'S YOUR NEW CO-ANCHOR.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> CO-ANCHOR?

>> [ MUTTERS ]

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME, BECAUSE

THIS IS A JOKE ON EVERY LEVEL.

EVEN HER NAME'S A JOKE --

SUMMER GRAYSON, PLEASE.

>> UH, THAT'S MY GREAT

GRANDMOTHER'S NAME, SO --

>> DID SHE DO PORN IN THE '20s?

>> SUMMER, WOULD YOU GIVE US

JUST A --

>> YEAH, YEAH.

WOULD YOU JUST GIVE US JUST A --

YEAH.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

>> I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET, OKAY,

BUT THE NETWORK HAS SUGGESTED WE

SEXY UP THE SHOW.

>> THEN I'LL WEAR TIGHTER

SHIRTS, RYAN.

I'LL GIVE A LITTLE NIP SLIP.

THE NAME OF THE SHOW IS

"THE PITTS STOP," AS IN

JASON PITTS, AS IN J. PITTY.

♪ BROUGHT A RING TO THE CITY

♪ ALL THE LADIES LOVE ME

♪ HANDSOME/WITTY

COME ON.

>> LISTEN --

>> ♪ JAY SONIC, DIP THE PIT

TRONIC ♪

♪ SO ATHLETIC, THE PEOPLE THINK

THAT I'M BIONIC ♪

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW

IT.

>> I DON'T.

>> ♪ JAY POPPER, QUARTERBACK

STOPPER ♪

♪ DROPPING CHANDELIERS LIKE THE

PHANTOM OF THE OPERA ♪

>> I KNOW --

>> ♪ THAT LINE DIDN'T MAKE

SENSE, BUT IT SOUNDED DOPE ♪

♪ IT'S THE DIP, BITCHES

♪ ALL YOU OTHER SUCKERS CAN'T

COPE ♪

>> I KNOW IT'S SUDDEN, OKAY, BUT

THIS IS A GREAT MOVE FOR THE

SHOW.

LOOK, THE TWO OF YOU -- IT'S

GONNA BE HUGE.

YOU'LL SEE.

LOOK, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

COME ON.

YOU COOL WITH THIS?

>> HELL NO I'M NOT COOL WITH IT.

>> HELL NO I'M NOT COOL WITH IT. >> WELL, THAT WAS RHETORICAL.

>> WELL, THAT WAS RHETORICAL.

>> HEY, YOU KNOW I NEVER LIKED

EATING IN THIS ROOM?

IT ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL LIKE I

WAS IN A PERIOD PIECE.

>> REALLY?

NO, MAN, I'M GONNA MISS IT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

CELEBRATING THE HOLIDAYS, HAVING

THE TEAM DINNERS, HOSTING THE

SEX PARTIES.

MAN, TEE TEE, IF THESE WALLS

COULD TALK, BROTHER.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> DUDE, IF THESE WALLS COULD

TALK, THEY WOULD SAY, "WASH ME."

>> YEAH. THEY WOULD.

>> ♪ FOREVER'S GONE AWAY

♪ IT'S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE

>> [ SIGHS ]

YOU KNOW, TEE TEE, I REALLY

SHOULD HAVE LEARNED HOW TO SWIM.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO START.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO START. >> YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

HELP, HELP!

I'M DROWNING!

>> PUT YOUR FEET DOWN, MAN!

>> TEE TEE!

>> TEE TEE! >> WATCH OUT!

>> WATCH OUT!

REALLY? REALLY?

REALLY? REALLY? GOT ME ALL MY CLOTHES ALL WET.

GOT ME ALL MY CLOTHES ALL WET.

>> [ SIGHS ]

MIDNIGHT BLACK.

NEVER RODE YOU.

NEVER FED YOU.

NEVER PET YOU.

BUT I'M DAMN SURE GONNA MISS

YOU, BABY.

YOU, BABY. [ HORSE NEIGHS ]

[ HORSE NEIGHS ]

[ KNOCK AT DOOR ]

>> HEY.

>> HEY, PRETTY GIRL.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

CENTRAL IS DOING A

"WHERE ARE THEY NOW?" ON

ALEXANDER O'NEAL.

THIS FOOL STILL HAS A SLICK-BACK

HAIRDO AND A TURQUOISE SUIT.

HE'S JUST MISSING A COUPLE

TEETH NOW.

>> PBHT!

>> WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

>> I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT

IT.

>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.

YOU WANT SOME TRISCUITS?

CUT UP A LITTLE CHEESE TO GIVE

IT A LITTLE POP.

>> OH, OH, WHAT, THE TRISCUITS

AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH BY

THEMSELVES?

NOT EXCITING ENOUGH FOR YOU?

GOT TO ADD A LITTLE CHEESE TO

MAKE IT SEXY?

>> UH, NO CHEESE?

>> NO. NO CHEESE.

>> JASON, WHAT'S -- WHAT'S THE

MATTER?

>> [ GROANS ]

IT'S MY -- IT'S MY SHOW.

THEY ADDED A CO-ANCHOR.

>> WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

YOU'VE BEEN PAIRED WITH PEOPLE

BEFORE -- CHRIS WEBBER.

>> CHARDONNAY, I TOLD YOU DO NOT

SAY THAT MAN'S NAME.

HE'S DEAD TO ME.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

LOOK, I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND

WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, OKAY?

DOWN AT THE BAR, THE MANAGER

BROUGHT IN MR. SEXY LATIN MAN,

JAVIER, TO WAIT THE TABLETOPS.

BUT I WAS LIKE, "HOLD UP!

EVERYBODY KNOWS BARTENDERS

HANDLE THE TABLETOPS.

PLUS, PEOPLE TIP AT THE TABLES

TWICE AS MUCH AS THE PEOPLE TIP

AT THE BAR."

BUT DID I UP AND QUIT?

NO!

BECAUSE I'M KEEPING MY EYES ON

THAT PRIZE -- OPENING UP MY OWN

SPA -- SPADONNAY.

>> WOW.

TOOK YOU A MINUTE TO COME UP

WITH THAT NAME, HUH?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA COME UP WITH A NAME

FOR THAT NEW SHOW OF YOURS.

IT'S CALLED "OFF THE AIR."

>> HEY.

>> SMARTASS MOUTH.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> LOOK, ALL I'M SAYING IS WE

NEED TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES

OF YOU HAVING A CO-ANCHOR.

I MEAN, HAVEN'T YOU BEEN SAYING

THAT YOU FELT BAD FOR GOING BACK

TO THE JOB AFTER YOU QUIT FOR

BRITTANY?

I MEAN, THIS FREES YOU UP A

LITTLE BIT SO YOU CAN SPEND MORE

TIME WITH HER.

>> OH, LET ME SEE.

>> HAVE MY OWN TV SHOW, SPENDING

MORE TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER AND

HER RAGING HORMONES.

I DON'T KNOW!

>> LOOK, I PROMISE YOU, THIS IS

GONNA BE GREAT.

YOU'LL HAVE MORE TIME WITH

BRITTANY, AND YOU CAN KICK IT

WITH YOUR WIFEY, WHO LIKES TO

DANCE.

COME ON.

COME ON, BABY.

I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

CAN YOU DANCE?

>> I DON'T -- I DON'T FEEL LIKE

DANCING.

>> WELL, YOU SHOULD.

>> NO, I DON'T.

DANCING, CHARDONNAY.

>> OOH, LOOK AT YOU.

>> CHARDONNAY.

>> DIDN'T KNOW JASON PITTS KNEW

HOW TO DO THE CABBAGE PATCH.

>> OH, PLEASE.

THE CABBAGE PATCH AND SNEAKY

SNAKES.

>> OOH. OKAY.

>> THE CABBIE SNAKEY PATCHES.

>> I DON'T WANT YOU TO DO THAT.

>> NO?

>> NOT SEXY.

>> OKAY. HE DOES THIS ONE.

UH-OH, UH-OH.

>> OH, I GOT THAT, I GOT THAT.

OKAY.

>> MM! YES, YES!

I'D LIKE TO SEE SUMMER GRAYSON

DO THAT.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

SUMMER GRAYSON, THE CUTE, BLOND

SPORTS REPORTER?

>> "CUTE" MIGHT BE A BIT

GENEROUS.

SO IS "BLOND."

SO IS "BLOND." [ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

>> HEY, JULIE, WHERE'S

CHARDONNAY AT?

>> OH, IT'S HER NIGHT OFF.

>> OH, SHE PROBABLY WITH THAT

LITE-BRITE HUSBAND OF HERS.

MM-HMM.

YOU BETTER TELL HER TO BE

CAREFUL HERE, OKAY, 'CAUSE HE

DID A DOOZY ON MY GIRL KELLY.

SENT THAT TRISCUIT CRAZY.

MM-HMM.

>> ISN'T THIS THE PERFECT PLACE

FOR US TO SPEND SOME --

[ Gasps ] Look, look.

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S TASHA, ALL BY HERSELF,

GETTING DRUNK, NO MEN IN SIGHT.

HA! LONELY OLD TROLL.

>> EXCUSE ME, MY MAN.

COULD WE GET A TABLE, PLEASE?

>> TWO?

>> TWO? >> YES.

>> YES.

>> YES. >> WHAT'S UP, TASH?

>> WHAT'S UP, TASH?

>> AIN'T THIS ABOUT A BLIP?

OF ALL THE JOINTS IN ALL THE

TOWNS IN ALL THE WORLD, THIS

TRICK GOT TO COME INTO MINE.

>> "CASABLANCA," RIGHT?

>> WHO?

NO. MELANIE BARRENETTE.

I CALL HER "BARRENETTE."

YOU KNOW, SHE'S BARREN.

CAN'T HAVE NO KIDS.

[ LAUGHS ]

LOOK AT HER, ALL DESPERATE AND

NEEDY, CLINGING ON HER MAN.

IT'S PATHETIC.

IT'S PATHETIC.

OH, JAVIER.

BABY, I WANT YOU TO GET ME SOME

MORE OF THEM COMPLIMENTARY

WASABI NUTS, OKAY?

>> UH, SURE.

NO PROBLEM, MS. MACK.

GOT AN EXTRA BOWL JUST FOR YOU.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, 'CAUSE I TIP ON

TOP OF THE TIP!

I'M A TIP-TOPPER!

ALWAYS IN TIP SHAPE ON MY TIPPY

TOES!

[ LAUGHS ]

>> YES.

>> EXCUSE ME.

CAN I HAVE SOME WASABI NUTS,

PLEASE?

TWO ORDERS -- ONE FOR ME AND MY

HUSBAND.

>> UH, NO.

I DON'T REALLY DO THE WASABI --

>> EAT THE NUTS.

AND WE'LL ALSO HAVE A BOTTLE OF

YOUR FINEST CHAMPAGNE.

>> CRANS FOR ME, MY MAN.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> [ SIGHS ]

YOU'RE GONNA REALLY MAKE ME SAY

IT?

CRANBERRY JUICE, PLEASE.

CRANBERRY JUICE, PLEASE. I WOULD LIKE A CRANBERRY JUICE.

I WOULD LIKE A CRANBERRY JUICE.

>> ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH,

MEL.

I'M TIRED.

LET'S GO.

>> JUST FIVE MORE MINUTES.

>> BOY, YOU SAID THAT FIVE

MINUTES AGO, OKAY?

I'M ALREADY FIVE CRANBERRIES IN.

I HAVE TO PEE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE

RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I'M OUT.

>> DERWIN, DO NOT LEAVE ME

ALONE WITH HER, OKAY?

I HAVE TO WIN THIS.

>> MELANIE, YOU MANIPULATING ME

IN COMING DOWN HERE, OKAY?

I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR STUPID

LITTLE GAMES ANYMORE.

IF YOU WANT TO WIN, YOU DO IT ON

YOUR OWN, OKAY?

I'M GOING TO RELEASE THE BEAST,

I'M GOING TO RELEASE THE BEAST, AND THEN I AM LEAVING.

AND THEN I AM LEAVING.

>> OKAY, LADIES, I'M SORRY, BUT

IT'S CLOSING TIME.

I REALLY GOT TO LOCK THINGS UP

I REALLY GOT TO LOCK THINGS UP HERE.

HERE.

HERE. TONIGHT.

TONIGHT.

TONIGHT. >> [ SIGHS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

OKAY, FINE.

I WILL BE THE BIGGER PERSON AND

SAY GOOD NIGHT.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> THANK YOU.

>> ENJOY THE REST OF THE

EVENING, MY GOOD MAN.

IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.

OH, AND, UH...

HERE'S A TIP FOR BEING SO

HELPFUL.

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> MM-HMM.

>> HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

>> FYI, MINE IS BIGGER.

MáS GRANDE DEL ES EL STUPIDO

HEIFER.

>> GRACIAS.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, MS. MACK.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, MS. MACK. >> OKAY.

>> OKAY.

>> MALIK, WHERE YOU AT, MAN?

YO, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

DOING?!

>> IF I CAN'T HAVE THIS HOUSE,

NOBODY'S GONNA HAVE IT.

>> HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!

>> DAMN THESE FLAME-RETARDANT,

STAIN-RESISTANT SHEETS!

[ SIGHS ]

>> MALIK, COME ON.

>> MALIK, COME ON. TALK TO ME, MAN.

TALK TO ME, MAN.

TALK TO ME, MAN. >> FOUND IT.

>> FOUND IT.

[ SIGHS ]

>> HEY, IS THAT THIS HOUSE?

>> YEP.

I DREW THIS WHEN I WAS IN THIRD

GRADE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SAID I WAS GONNA GET OUT THE

PROJECTS AND BUILD THIS HOUSE

FOR ME AND MY MOM.

>> YEAH, MAN, LOOK.

YOU GOT THE TOPIARIES.

YOU GOT A DOG.

>> IT'S NOT A DOG.

THAT'S A HORSE.

IT'S MIDNIGHT BLACK.

KNEW WHEN I GOT IT THAT I HAD

MADE IT.

NOW THAT EVERYTHING'S BEING

TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, I FEEL LIKE

I'M LETTING THIS -- THIS KID IN

THE PROJECTS DOWN.

THIS WAS MY DREAM [CHUCKLES] AND

I BLEW IT.

[ SIGHS ]

>> LOOK, MAN, THIS HOUSE -- THIS

AIN'T WHO YOU ARE.

IT'S JUST WHAT YOU BOUGHT.

AND MALIK WRIGHT WILL RISE AGAIN

LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES,

AND YOU JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT

DREAM.

>> YEAH, BUT IT STILL HURTS.

>> YEAH, WELL, IT'LL HURT A

LOT LESS ONCE YOU GET THIS HOUSE

LOT LESS ONCE YOU GET THIS HOUSE OFF YOUR BACK.

OFF YOUR BACK.

>> ON TO THE NEXT DREAM,

TEE TEE.

>> THIS IS THE LAST EXISTING BOX

OF JASON PITTS' FOOTBALLS

AND CHEESE.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

YOU HAVEN'T SET MY TABLE YET!

WHAT'S UP?

>> OH, OH.

>> COME ON, HOSTESS.

>> COME ON, HOSTESS. >> I'M COMING, I'M COMING.

>> I'M COMING, I'M COMING.

>> OKAY. DIG IN.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> SERIOUSLY, DIG IN.

YOU'VE GOT FIVE MINUTES BEFORE

IT COAGULATES.

>> JASON, AS DELICIOUS AS THIS

LOOKS, YOU KNOW I CAN'T EAT ON A

STOMACH FULL OF ISSUES.

>> OH, BOY.

>> YEAH.

SO NOW THAT YOU'RE IN A BETTER

PLACE WITH THIS WHOLE CO-ANCHOR

THING, I THOUGHT IT'D BE GREAT

TO TALK ABOUT HOW YOU INTEND TO

HANDLE IT.

>> HANDLE WHAT?

>> YOUR PROXIMITY TO YOUR NEW

WHITE, FEMALE CO-WORKER.

>> WOW.

>> YOU KNOW HOW YOU ARE, JASON.

YOU'RE LIKE A LION IN A

SHEEPHOUSE.

>> YOU MEAN "FOX IN A HENHOUSE"?

>> HEY, WHATEVER ANIMAL LIKES

WHITE WOMEN.

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

>> ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME

THAT YOU DON'T LOVE WHITE WOMEN?

>> NO. I-I MEAN, LOOK.

OKAY, OKAY, YES, I'M ATTRACTED

TO BLOND HAIR, BLUE EYES, THIN

LIPS THAT DON'T SASS.

>> OH, SEE? EXACTLY.

YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

>> CHAR, I TOLD YOU ABOUT WHAT

HAPPENED WHEN I WAS A KID.

IN THE PAST, I PREFERRED TO BE

WITH WHITE WOMEN.

I'M WITH YOU NOW.

THAT SHOULD MAKE YOU FEEL

SPECIAL.

>> OH, MR. JASON, I'S DO WANT TO

THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL SO

SPECIALS.

CAN I TROUBLE YOU FOR SOME MORE

OF YOUR MAC AND CHEESES?

>> NO. IT'S COAGULATED.

>> YOUR MAMA'S COAGULATED.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS.

I GOT ENOUGH GOING ON AS IT IS.

I GOT A TEMPERAMENTAL TEENAGER.

I GOT AN EX-WIFE OUT IN THE

WORLD, TRYING TO FIND HERSELF.

AND I GOT SOME HOT LITTLE WHITE

CHICK COMING AFTER MY JOB.

THE LAST THING THAT I NEED IS TO

COME HERE AND DEAL WITH YOUR

INSECURITIES, OKAY?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY ROCK,

MY RESPITE, MY -- MY SHELTER

FROM THE STORM, OR, TO USE

YOUR TERM, MY RIGHT-OR-DIE

CHICK.

NOW, IF YOU CAN'T BE ANY OF

THOSE THINGS, THEN DEUCES.

AGAIN, YOUR TURN.

>> WELL, SO MUCH FOR SPENDING

THE NEXT FOUR WEEKS TRYING TO

WOO ME -- YOUR SELLOUT-ASS TERM!

>> I'M SORRY, I'M NOT WOOING

YOU?

>> NO!

>> I'M EATING OFF A TV TRAY!

I'M KEEPING TABS ON

ALEXANDER O'NEAL AND

BILLY OCEAN.

PLEASE.

LAST BOX, HMM?

I DON'T GIVE MY LAST BOX OF

ANYTHING TO ANYONE, SO DON'T

TELL ME I'M NOT DOING MY PART.

I'M GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND TO

PROVE THAT I WANT TO BE HERE.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT, JASON?

I DON'T HAVE MY OWN TALK SHOW OR

MY OWN MAC AND CHEESE OR EVEN A

DAMN DOOR TO MY BEDROOM.

BUT HERE'S MY TV TRAY, AND

HERE'S MY SUEDE COUCH!

>> IT'S NOT SUEDE.

>> IT'S ALL I GOT, JASON, AND

I'M SHARING IT WITH YOU.

AND MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M SO

INSECURE.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

HOW ABOUT THAT? >> LOOK, CHARDONNAY...

>> LOOK, CHARDONNAY...

COME HERE.

>> JASON, I --

>> JUST COME -- COME HERE.

COME HERE.

>> YOU MAKE ME SICK.

YOU MAKE ME SICK.

YOU MAKE ME SICK. >> LOOK.

>> LOOK.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T LET

YOUR INSECURITIES GET IN THE WAY

OF WHAT WE'VE GOT GOING HERE.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> ALL RIGHT, JUST LET IT GO,

DUDE.

DO -- DO WHAT I DO.

PUMP YOURSELF UP SO MUCH, YOU

FORGET YOU EVEN HAVE THEM.

>> UH...

[ CHUCKLES ]

JASON, SHE'S NOT GONNA STEAL

YOUR SHOW, OKAY?

THEY'RE GONNA SOON REALIZE THAT

YOU'RE THE REASON WHY THE SHOW

WAS SEXY TO BEGIN WITH.

>> THANK YOU.

>> WHAT, NO -- NO FOREHEAD KISS?

>> NO, NO. THAT FIRST ONE WAS A

LITTLE GREASIER THAN I THOUGHT

IT WOULD BE.

OW!

>> YOU NEEDED THAT. YES!

>> WHY YOU GOT TO BE SO VIOLENT

ALL THE TIME?

ALL THE TIME? >> [ LAUGHS ]

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