Original subtitles

>> Bibs! Dawg!

Hurry up with the eggs.

>> How many times I gotta tell

ya I ain't no cook, I ain't

no caddy, and I ain't no pimp.

I ain't washed my hands neither.

>> TASHA: Malik! Malik!

What the hell is goin' on with

this damn house?

The damn topiary is lookin'

a hot-ass mess, especially

the one shaped after me.

Hell, my hair ain't been that

nappy since the '70s.

>> Mom, you ain't worn your hair

since the '70s.

>> Boy, where the hell is your

gardener?

Mr. Hadashida had

a topiary expo.

>> Mm-hm.

>> Something about some bushes,

bonsais and something else.

>> Baby, I told you to go

Mexican.

Hell, they love work.

>> BOTH: [laughing]

>> What can I do you for, Mom?

>> All right, J.J. Abrams--

his son is having bar mitzvah.

Malik, they just want you to

throw the football around

just for a little bit,

all right?

Come on.

Look, technically it is not

a birthday, all right, it's

a Jewish right to passage, okay?

It's $100,000 and then,

you know, all you gotta do is

say yay or nay.

>> I'm in.

>> Really?

>> Yeah.

>> What's goin' on with you?

>> Mom, there ain't nothin'

goin' on with me.

>> Malik--

>> I just don't want to block

all the hard work you've been

doing, that's all.

>> Good. Good. All right.

And you know what?

You need to stop lettin'

these employees run you.

Hell, they work for you, baby.

>> That's right.

>> All right?

>> All right? >> ♪

>> ♪

>> [cell phone ringing]

>> Hello?

Hey.

Are you almost home?

Wait. What? Huh?

Baby, say that again.

>> I said I got the Verizon

endorsement.

Can you hear me now?

>> Oh! Oh, my God!

>> DERWIN: [laughing]

Wait, Derwin, how did this

happen?

>> Yeah!

>> I thought the Verizon deal

thing went away with Tasha.

>> It did, but Irv hooked it

back up.

>> Well, how did Irv hook

it back up?

>> Easy!

He's my manager now.

>> So you re-signed with Irv?

>> Hm-hm, yep, right after you

let Tasha go.

So we're all good. Dallas.

>> Dallas?

>> Mm-hm, it's back on TV.

Just like me and Irv are back.

>> Stop with all the sayings

and stop not letting me in on

all of your decisions.

>> What you talkin' about?

Hold on a second.

You wanted in on that?

Yeah, Mel, my bad.

I didn't think it was that deep.

Koi pond.

>> Wait, because a pond

isn't deep?

Stop it!

Look, Derwin, whatever happened

to, Melanie, you are the C.E.O.

of this family.

If I am, indeed, the C.E.O.

of Davis Inc., don't you think

I should know little things like

who's managing you?

Oh! Oh!

And what about the truth thing,

Derwin?

You didn't do the truth thing

about Irv.

>> Okay, fine, so you want

the truth?

You want the full Nicholson-

Cruise?

>> Yes, I can handle the truth,

Derwin.

>> Okay, you are C.E.O. of

this family, but Irv's C.E.O.

of his business.

>> Well, I was C.E.O. of

the business when I had to fire

Tasha for you.

>> Well, the point is, Irv is

a professional.

>> Who dumped you.

>> So what, Melanie.

Irv dumped me.

But he dumped me because he's

a winner and I wasn't winning,

but now I am.

Matter of fact, I'm so winning,

I'm Charlie Sheenin' it and if

Irv starts losing, we will dump

his ass like we did Tasha.

>> Well, so much for loyalty.

>> Hey, baby, the only one

I gotta be loyal to is you

and D.J. and maybe grandmama--

and kinda Janay.

>> What, Janay?

>> Ow! Yeah.

You know what?

You know what, Mel,

you're right--screw Janay.

She ain't part of this legacy.

Matter of fact, when the story

of Derwin "Ding Dong" Davis

is told, she will be a mere

footnote.

>> I'm talking about my role

in this legacy.

>> You talkin' about bein'

my manager now?

>> Maybe.

If Tasha can do it,

a monkey can do it.

And I can say that because

I am Black.

[snapping fingers]

>> You're about as qualified

to be Black...

[snapping fingers]

as you are my manager.

>> I know what you think

I'm qualified to do.

>> [giggling]

>> And maybe I won't do it

any more.

>> Hm, wait a minute.

>> Mm-hm.

>> Could you possibly be talkin'

about, girl...

You cannot possibly be talkin'

about negotiating with your

vajayjay 'cause you know that

would be wrong.

You know how I get when I--

>> Sometimes a woman has to

play hardball.

>> Fine!

Okay, since you feel that

strongly about it, perhaps

I'll let you oversee Irv.

>> What do you mean oversee him?

Like be the boss of him?

>> Yes.

You're the boss of him, just

like you're the boss of me.

>> Okay.

Congratulations.

You just got yourself one barely

used vajayjay.

>> Girl, please, barely?

>> Girl, please, barely? >> What?

>> What?

>> Do you know why I called

you in here, Doug?

You messed up.

Oh, you messed up real big.

I know you saw the topiary

out front, didn't you?

>> You mean the one of the fat

lady with the Afro?

>> That's supposed to be

my mama.

Damn you, Doug!

Mr. Hadashida quit.

Why didn't you pay him?

>> Because you have no money.

>> I have no money? I--

Doug, I have no money?

What do you call that, Doug, hm?

>> That's chump change compared

to what you owe.

Yeah, you signed an $80 million

contract, but the government

gets half of that, so you're

down to forty.

Then you go and build

a $40 million house.

>> Okay, I get it.

Bibs is just gonna have to

keep cookin' and I'ma just have

to trim my own damn hedges.

How about that?

>> We're gonna have to do

a little bit more than that,

Malik.

>> Doug, didn't I just tell you

I'ma trim my own damn bushes?

>> I'm putting you on a budget--

$25,000.

>> A day?

>> A month.

>> I'll kill you, Doug!

Can't put gas in one of

my babies, let alone two!

>> Okay, and speaking of

your babies...

your babies... >> N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

>> N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

>> Irv, you're late.

>> I'm always late.

It's how I do.

Oh, this is, uh, Lola.

>> Hi.

>> You look nice.

Very, uh, C.E.O.y.

>> Well, I am the C.E.O. of--

>> So you've gotta dress

the part.

Walks like a pig,

smells like a pig.

I get it. Take a seat.

>> So, we are really excited

about Derwin and Verizon

and I was thinking, since it

opens up so many opportunities--

>> [coughing loudly]

>> ...we should...

>> [coughing continues]

>> ...talk about...

>> Do you have any water?

>> Do you have any water? >> Uh, sure.

>> Uh, sure.

Here you go.

>> Without lemon.

>> Oh.

So, I was saying that--

>> Know what?

Maybe a little lemon.

>> Um, about the other

opportunities, I think--

>> Oh, do you have any snacks?

>> Happy?!

>> You know what?

I would be happier with some

spicy tuna.

>> Derwin should do

Jimmy Fallon.

>> I am listening.

>> Okay, well, Fallon's numbers

are growing and he really gets

Derwin's demographic.

>> Brilliant.

Lola, call Letterman's people

and book Derwin.

>> You mean Fallon.

>> I mean Letterman.

Derwin already has Fallon's

audience.

Now let's get Letterman.

Oh, yes, great idea, kiddo.

>> [cell phone ringing]

>> But it was your idea.

>> Oh, no, but you planted

the seed, you little

seed-planter, you.

>> [cell phone ringing]

>> Hello?

Oh.

It's Tasha Mack calling again

It's Tasha Mack calling again regarding the Verizon deal.

regarding the Verizon deal.

>> You can pry it from my cold,

dead hands.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Mmmm.

All right.

Kisses.

>> So why is Tasha calling

about that?

>> Oh, that's no biggie.

A little something about her

initiating the deal and wanting

to sue me and Derwin.

Oh, yes, and she wants to stick

her foot in my ass, blah,

blah, blah, ass, ass, blah,

ass, ass, blah.

>> And when were you gonna

tell me about this?

>> Melanie, sweetie, gorgeous,

you are C.E.O., okay?

You don't have time for petty

hooligans like Tasha Mack.

Now you stick with your

C.E.O.'ing and your big ideas

and I'll sweat the small stuff.

Oh, look at this, Tasha took

up all your time.

Damn you, Tasha.

Now, save your list and...

[snapping fingers]

we'll touch base later.

we'll touch base later. Lola, come!

Lola, come!

Lola, come! >> Thank you.

>> Thank you.

>> No, no remorse when

strippin' a Black man

of his kids.

It's "Roots" all over again.

>> They're just cars.

>> They're just what? What?

What do you love, Doug?

>> I love my partner.

I love the two boys we adopted

from Cambodia.

I love the Winter Olympics.

>> Shut up. Ah, this guy.

>> How much is that shirt?

Four hundred?

>> It's two seasons old.

>> Are you still wearing

cashmere underwear?

>> I bought it last month.

>> Cashmere underwear?

>> Dude.

>> Hey.

>> What's goin' on, Doug?

>> Hey.

>> So where'd they take your

rides, Malik?

>> Aw, dawg, you know, I had to

get rid of 'em.

They don't match my eyes.

You know me.

>> Yeah, a solid reason.

Doug, if that Google stock keeps

climbin' the way you said it

would, I'm gonna have $5 mil in

trust by the next fiscal year.

>> It's gonna happen.

>> Do I have Google?

>> You opted for a Crocodile

Rolex.

Hey, happy birthday, Tee Tee.

>> Oh, hey, man.

Thanks for rememberin'.

>> Yeah, is that your present?

>> Yeah, yeah, you like it?

Um, I just thought I'd treat

myself.

You like it, Malik?

>> What, your sweatshirt

or your car?

>> Ah.

Hey, come on, I'll give y'all

a ride.

>> Nah, I'll pass. I'm good.

>> I'll go.

>> All right, cool, come on.

Oh, Malik, you got me for

my birthday, though, right?

>> It's your birthday, dawg.

Come on, you know I got you.

>> 'Cause you know I'm trying

to do it big.

>> Tee Tee, don't I always

pay, huh?

You know I got you--

>> Malik.

>> I'll snap your neck.

Control it.

You two lovebirds go ahead, man.

Y'all have fun.

>> TEE TEE: All right, don't

let me down.

>> It's all good, man.

>> It's all good, man. I'ma be here.

I'ma be here.

>> You're late. Disrespectful.

>> You're early. Desperate.

>> You know, the only thing

desperate is your punk-ass

attempt to steal my money.

>> Your money, ha!

Look, everyone can put

the condom on, darlin',

but not everyone can get

the pants off.

>> Okay, wait, let me get

this right.

So, you finish before you get

your pants off?

>> [exaggerated laughter]

Ah, Tasha, I've missed you.

>> Oh, you always do, don't you?

>> Shall we get this party

started?

>> TASHA: Okay.

>> IRV: Absolutely.

>> Not so fast.

>> And who are you?

>> Dr. Melanie Barnett-Davis,

C.E.O. of Derwin Davis

Enterprises.

>> [exaggerated sigh]

What are you doing here?

I told you not to worry

about this.

>> Yeah, and I told you I wanted

to be in the loop on everything,

but obviously you didn't take

me very seriously.

I am very serious, Mr. Smiff.

>> You should really let me

handle this.

[whispering]

She will bury you.

>> Oh, pshaw.

Look, Tasha and I, we may have

our differences, but we are both

adults.

We can handle this in a civil

manner, right, Tasha?

>> Oh, we can be as civil as

a lesbian weddin'.

a lesbian weddin'. Long as I get my paper.

Long as I get my paper.

>> Look, Tasha, we know that you

weren't really responsible for

the endorsements.

You may have started our

relationship with Verizon,

but it was Irv who got the money

on the barrel.

>> Right, so what I--

>> But I am prepared to offer

you what I think is more than

a generous deduction fee for

making initial contact.

This number is non-negotiable.

This number is non-negotiable. >> [quiet chuckle]

>> [quiet chuckle]

This some good stuff.

And that's what this is--

some bull.

I got some numbers, too,

little girl.

Now this first set of numbers

are calls that I made to

Verizon's C.E.O. office.

Note that I called them over

100 times bartering this deal.

>> Yeah, but that doesn't mean

they took your calls or even

called you back.

>> The second set of numbers

I have are incoming calls

from Verizon's C.E.O. to me.

Oh, and before you start

hypothesizing on what was said,

I also have the transcripts

of our conversations which

explicitly spell out the setting

of how the endorsement deal

was done.

And this last number is yours

and a text message that reads,

and I quote:

"Great job on the Verizon

"deal, girl.

"You are my hero.

XOXOXO M.B.-D."

Which either stands for

Melanie Barnett-Davis

or Might Have Been a Doctor

or Mega bougie--

>> Respond.

>> [silently] Hello.

>> [clapping hands]

I'm out.

>> MELANIE: [laughing]

Um, look, Tasha, I know we,

you know, uh, haven't been

on the best of terms lately.

But in the name of our

friendship and our history,

I think we can come to

an amicable con...con...

conclusion here, right?

Right?

Right?

What do you think?

>> Do you have a verdict or do

I need to set something else in

here on fire?

>> Ms. Mack is hereby ordered

to receive her original 10%

of all earnings derived from

the collaboration between

Verizon and Derwin Davis

Enterprises.

>> TASHA: Ah!

>> In perpetuity.

>> Mm!

Well, it looks like my job

here is done.

Irv, always a pleasure.

>> IRV: Mmm.

>> Little girl, why don't you go

home and cook your man some

chicken and maybe have you

a baby.

But, oh, wait, I forgot.

You can't do neither one.

[laughing]

[laughing] Don't come for me.

Don't come for me.

>> MALIK: What the hell?

Since when a bottle of Cristal

cost $900?

>> I don't know why you don't

just tell Tee Tee your money

tight.

>> Ha!

Please, first rule of ballers'

etiquette--he who has the most

money pays.

>> Not any more.

>> Nero, please.

Even as broke as I am,

I can still buy and sell

Tee Tee.

Hell, I have bought and sold

Tee Tee.

Got my baller's rep to protect.

Oh, the birthday boy. Ah!

>> Bibs.

>> Yourself.

>> You got dressed up for

this one, huh?

>> I'm trying, you know.

>> Little birdie told us it

was your birthday.

>> Did the little birdie tell

you I'm a raging alcoholic,

huh?

Get that poison outta my face

and off my bill.

>> I'm sorry, Mr. Wright,

it's compliments of the house,

but I'd be happy to take

it back.

>> Oh, oh, no, no, no, no.

I just...'cause I'm a drunk

don't mean my boys can't drink.

>> TEE TEE: [laughing]

Free champagne.

>> I was just about to order

a bottle of that, y'all.

>> TEE TEE: Well done.

>> Yep.

Hey, you know what?

Here you go, brother.

Make a toast to my dawg, my boy.

It's your birthday, man.

Thank you for always havin'

a brother's bizzack, man.

>> Yo, is that Estelle?

>> Estelle? The singer Estelle?

Oh, she can't see me.

>> Uh-uh-uh, I see you, Malik.

Uh-uh, and I'm never leavin'

you concert tickets again, okay?

>> Girl, come--hey!

You ain't get that bouquet of

diamonds I sent you for

an apology, huh?

[laughing]

Damn, she's seen me.

>> So what?

>> What do you mean so?

The second rule in ballers'

etiquette is if a female

celebrity comes into

a restaurant you're already in,

you've gotta send her a bottle

of something.

>> So, can I get a bottle of

Estelle's favorite champagne

sent to--

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tee Tee.

What you doin', dawg?

>> I'm just sending a bottle

to your girl Estelle like

I always do.

>> I mean what you doin', man?

It's your birthday, man.

Get over here, man.

We're focusin' on you.

>> Hey, hey, come on.

Hello. Shawn.

>> What the hell are you doin'?

>> Dude, I got you.

Shawn got that M.B.A. and just

won that championship money.

He's gonna have to pay.

Ballers' etiquette, son.

>> Dumb ass, we aren't in

Dallas, we're in San Diego.

It's my town.

I've got baller's home court

disadvantage.

Now they're gonna expect me to

pay for all this stuff.

Hey, hey, hey!

>> What's up?

>> How you doin', boss?

>> Hey, Malik.

How you doin', son?

>> I'm good.

>> Malik, who's she look like?

Huh?

>> I don't know, Tee Tee.

>> Thanks for comin' out.

>> Ooh. Derwin.

Oh!

Derwin?

>> What happened today?

'Cause now it seems like I've

gotta pay Tasha and Irv.

Melanie, I thought I told you

not to get involved.

>> No, you didn't.

You told me to supervise Irv.

>> Nicholson-Cruise, Mel.

>> The truth, Derwin.

Just say it.

>> I already told you.

>> The truth. Just say it.

>> Okay, you were never

the boss of Irv, all right?

He was just humoring you

for me.

Melanie, he was running

everything by me for me.

>> Are you serious?

Derwin, why would you do that?

Why would you lie?

>> Because, Melanie, you can't

handle the truth, and I tried

to tell you.

Listen, you're not the C.E.O.,

okay?

You're not the President.

You're not the Vice-President.

You're not the Manager.

You're just my wife.

Be that, please.

>> Oh, okay. I get it.

You just want me to shut up,

not have any opinions,

and spread my legs for you

whenever you want it.

>> I mean, is that so bad?

Why can't you just sit back

and let me take care of you?

>> Derwin, I didn't sign

up for this.

>> [frustrated sigh]

>> Look, I didn't give up my

relationship with Tasha or my

career to sit on the sidelines.

>> Whoa, I didn't tell you to

give up your career, Melanie.

That was your choice.

>> Why do you think I did

it, Derwin?

>> I don't know.

I thought maybe you...

mighta got tired of all

the hours studying and all

that working.

I thought you might want to just

kick back.

>> Kick back? Kick back?

Is that what you think

I do for you?

Derwin, I am 50% of this legacy

and you wouldn't be

Derwin "Boom" Davis if it

weren't for me.

>> Hey, hold up.

Hold up, okay?

You may be in the skybox

cheering me on, Melanie,

but these hands right here,

they catch those balls

on Sunday.

Right here.

>> Hm.

Well, thank you for letting me

Well, thank you for letting me know where I stand.

know where I stand.

>> Hey, let's get a toast

over here.

A toast!

>> TEE TEE: A drink to my best

friend Malik.

>> ALL: [cheering]

>> To Malik!

>> To Malik! >> [club music]

>> [club music]

>> [club music] >> Honey, I'm sorry.

>> Honey, I'm sorry.

Oh, come on, Melanie.

I said I was sorry.

>> I'm sorry.

Is this what you want?

Or is this better?

>> No, Melanie, that's not

better and that's not what

better and that's not what I want.

I want.

Okay, truth is, I don't know if

I'd be here without you.

But I know I don't wanna be

here without you.

Melanie, honey, the thing

is I love you past the moon.

And I know sometimes I do some

stupid stuff, but I love you,

and I mean it.

and I mean it. Now you let me cuddle you.

Now you let me cuddle you.

>> ♪ 'Cause I just wanna

♪ Love you, baby

>> It's all right.

>> ♪ I don't wanna

♪ Waste no time

♪ Wanna be

♪ Your only one, baby

♪ Please don't break my heart

♪ Tailor-made black linen

♪ Tinted Escalade

♪ With a made man in it

♪ Rose gold shades

♪ With the rozay lenses

♪ Pink champagne

♪ And the flow's so endless

>> Do you have to be every

stereotype, Malik?

>> ♪ Ain't no secrets

♪ I'ma eat that for breakfast

♪ Keep her close to me

♪ Like lyrics

♪ She spoke to me

♪ In the middle of the winter

♪ So I'ma let her close to me

♪ All these stars out

♪ And these people

♪ Know my name

♪ Know my name ♪ I can be so pretentious

♪ I can be so pretentious

♪ I can be so pretentious >> ♪

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