Original subtitles

>> ♪ I'M UP IN THE WOODS

>> BURN A CANDLE.

HOP AROUND A FIRE.

SAY A PRAYER.

DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU HAVE TO DO

TO COME TO THE TERMS WITH THE

FACT THAT I DID IT.

I HAD AN ABORTION!

>> ♪ TO SLOW DOWN THE TIME

>> PLEASE TELL SHE'S NOT DEAD.

>> I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DO KNOW

I DON'T WANT MY FINGERPRINTS

ON THE BODY IF SHE IS, SO...

NO DISRESPECT.

>> ♪ I'M BUILDING A STILL

>> OH, HELL.

SHE DEAD.

>> ♪ I'M UP IN THE WOODS

>> YOU WANT TO KIDNAP ME, HUH?

TRADE ME UP FOR A LOT OF

CHIMICHANGAS, OR SOMETHING LIKE

THAT?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

AMIGO, YOU BETTER BRING ALL OF

MEXICO TO COME FOR ME,

BECAUSE I'M IN THE MOOD

FOR SOME TACOS.

HUH.

WHEN THE HELL DID I GET MARRIED?

[aggressive rock music]

[aggressive rock music] ♪

♪

>> SO DO YOU STILL WANT

TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT?

>> [laughing]

YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE.

MELANIE, DO YOU REALLY THINK

I WANT FISH OF THE DAY

RIGHT NOW?

>> WELL, I DO.

IT'S TILAPIA.

SO YOU EITHER CAN DROP ME OFF

SO I CAN PICK UP MY CAR,

OR YOU CAN GIVE ME YOUR KEYS

AND YOU CAN TAKE A CAB HOME.

>> SO I GUESS WE'RE REALLY

GONNA DO THIS.

>> DO WHAT, DERWIN?

>> YOU ACT LIKE NOTHING

HAPPENED, LIKE OUR LIVES JUST

DIDN'T CHANGE IN THERE?

>> WELL, IT DIDN'T CHANGE FOR

ME, BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO IT.

AND I WISH YOU WOULD STOP

LOOKING AT ME LIKE I KILLED

SOMEBODY'S BABY.

>> SOMEBODY'S OR MINE?

>> BETTER YET, I'LL TAKE A CAB.

MELANIE, YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE

NO CABS IN SAN DIEGO.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT GOING

ANYWHERE.

HUH?

GOD!

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE

SO MELODRAMATIC, MELANIE?

ALWAYS TRYING TO BE

THE STRONG BLACK WOMAN.

WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING

TO YOURSELF, HUH, HUH?

BLACK WOMEN DON'T TALK

TO THEMSELVES.

THIS IS--

>> I THINK THE PSYCHIATRIC WARD

IS ON FLOOR THREE.

>> MCHOTTIE?

>> MCTHANKYOU.

>> UH, LOOK, NO OFFENSE,

BUT YOU'RE THE LAST PERSON

I NEED TO SEE RIGHT NOW.

BUT YOUR KID IS CUTE--HI.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO, NOT MY KID.

THIS IS MORE LIKE JERRY'S KID.

YEAH, MY LOIN WOULD PRODUCE

FAR FINER.

I'M SURE WE WOULD AGREE

WITH THAT.

I JUST PICKED HIM UP

FROM THE P-WARD.

GOT TO GET HIM OUT FOR A WALK,

FRESH AIR.

HE'S NOT A DOG, BUT HE NEEDS

THE SAME THINGS A DOG NEEDS.

OH!

HEY, HEY!

YOU BEHAVE.

YOU JUST LOST YOUR LOLLIPOP.

AH, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF STUFF

HAS CHANGED, BUT...

STILL DON'T WANT KIDS.

I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT.

>> WOW, I CAN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE

FOR A SECOND, HUH, MEL?

>> JUST TAKE ME HOME, PLEASE.

>> DERWIN, HEY--

>> I'M SORRY.

WE HAVEN'T BEEN INTRODUCED.

I'M DERWIN DAVIS.

YOUR NAME IS SHEA, RIGHT?

>> DOCTOR...IS FINE.

SHE CALLS ME MCHOTTIE,

BUT THAT'S JUST--

>> YEAH, YEAH, WHAT WERE YOU

SAYING?

>> YEAH, I WAS WONDERING IF

YOU COULD SIGN MY NIKES.

I KNOW THEY'RE A LITTLE TORN UP,

BUT THEY STILL GOT THAT--

HOW DO YOU DO IT?

SHH, BOOM.

>> YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY,

"TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY"?

YEAH, IT WASN'T.

>> OH, COME ON, MAN.

EVERY DAY SHOULD BE

A CELEBRATION FOR YOU.

YOU WON.

YOU GOT THE GIRL.

YOU GOT THE SHOE.

WHAT DO I GOT?

I MEAN, EXCEPT THESE HANDS...

THAT, UH...SAVE LIVES AND...

HEAL THE SICK...

RETURN SIGHT TO THE BLIND.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN, MEL.

DERWIN.

SEE, RIGHT THERE, LITTLE MAN,

THAT WAS CALLED SARCASM.

HAD OUR FOOTBALL-PLAYING FRIEND

STAYED IN COLLEGE ALL FOUR

YEARS, HE WOULD HAVE

ACQUIRED THAT.

>> REALLY, MELANIE?

ANYMORE OF YOUR PAST GONNA

COME BACK AND HAUNT US TODAY?

>> [laughing]

BOOM.

I PREFER MY THANK-YOUS

HAND-WRITTEN ON NICE STATIONARY

AS OPPOSED TO TEXT OR EMAIL.

>> AND HE'S BACK.

>> [laughs]

>> IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU,

JASON.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WHERE YOU GOING?

IT'S ONLY BEEN, LIKE, AN HOUR.

I PAID 50 BUCKS AND USED

A COUPON FOR THIS ROOM.

>> AND I TOLD YOU WE COULD HAVE

DONE IT IN THE PARKING LOT

AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE,

OR AT LEAST SOMEWHERE NORMAL,

SAY, LIKE YOUR HOME.

>> YEAH, AND I TOLD YOU

THAT MY DAUGHTER'S HOME...

AND THAT I DON'T WANT YOU

TO KNOW WHERE I LIVE.

>> TOO LATE, GOOGLE MAPS.

BY THE WAY, YOU SHOULD

MOW YOUR LAWN.

ANYWAY, I REALLY GOT TO GET

GOING.

I GOT TO WORK ON THIS

KWAN KIRKLAND DEAL.

>> KWAN KIRKLAND.

HERE'S YOUR REPORT.

"THIS JUST IN.

KWAN KIRKLAND IS A

BARGAIN-BASEMENT VERSION OF

JASON PITTS WHO COULDN'T CARRY

JASON PITTS' JOCK STRAP

WITH A FORKLIFT.

MORE AT 11:00."

>> YOU ALREADY GOT BACK AT

CAMILLE BY SLEEPING WITH ME.

>> NO, NO, I SLEPT WITH YOU

BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST, GLORIA.

THE BEST!

>> RIGHT.

WITH ALL YOUR ISSUES WITH

BLACK WOMEN, I HIGHLY DOUBT

THAT.

>> DON'T MAKE THIS

A RACIAL THING, OKAY?

WE'RE PRESS CONFERENCE

SMASH BUDDIES; IT WORKS.

>> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU FEEL

THAT WAY, BECAUSE MY FRIEND

PATTY'S GETTING MARRIED

NEXT SATURDAY, AND I WAS

THINKING I WOULD TAKE MY PRESS

CONFERENCE SMASH BUDDY WITH ME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

>> TO A WEDDING?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT "SMASH BUDDY"

MEANS?

>> JASON, RELAX, PLEASE.

I'M INVITING YOU TO GO

TO A WEDDING WITH ME,

NOT OUR WEDDING.

>> OH, SEE, NOW,

DON'T DO THAT.

THAT'S HOT.

GET BACK IN THE BED.

COME HERE.

>> SEE, LOOK AT YOU.

YOU LIKE YOUR EXOTIC, EROTIC

FANTASIES WITH YOUR BLACK GIRLS,

BUT WE CAN'T GET IT

TO THE ALTAR.

>> HEY, BEING MARRIED TO ME

IS NO WALK IN THE PARK

FOR A WHITE GIRL EITHER.

ASK MY EX-WIFE ABOUT THAT.

>> I BELIEVE YOU.

BYE, JASON.

>> JUST ON THE FOREHEAD?

THAT'S ALL I GET?

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE NEXT

PRESS CONFERENCE.

NUM-NUM-NUM-NUM.

>> [exhales]

DAMN.

>> MALIK, WHAT THE HELL

IS GOING ON?

>> MALIK, NO THREESOMES.

>> BABY, THIS IS MY MOM.

>> OH, ESPECIALLY NOT

WITH YOUR MOM.

HI, I'M JENNA.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK,

BUT I LOVE JENGA.

JENNA LOVES JENGA.

>> BIBS, CAN YOU STOP EATING

AND TAKE YOUR WEEBLE-WOBBLE ASS

IN THE KITCHEN?

GET HER SOME WATER.

>> MALIK, LOOK, YOU NEED TO CALL

911 FOR THIS LITTLE HEIFER.

>> OH, NO, NO.

I'LL DO THE THREESOME.

>> NO, SHE'S GOOD.

SHE'S OKAY.

>> MALIK, SHE IS NOT GOOD.

THIS IS NOT A "MIXING YOUR

COURVOISIER WITH WILD TURKEY"

SITUATION.

THIS CHILD NEEDS HELP, AND YOU

ARE NOT THE ONE TO GIVE

IT TO HER.

>> CALLING 911 IS LIKE

CALLING TMZ.

HER MODELING CAREER CAN'T

TAKE ANOTHER HIT, MA.

I CAN FIX THIS.

>> REALLY?

YOU CANNOT FIX IT.

>> WHERE'S THE WATER, BIBS?

>> I STARTED SWEATING.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID

WITH MY DIABETES.

>> GIVE ME THAT!

>> MALIK...

>> I GOT IT, MOM.

>> WELL, GET HER.

>> COME HERE--SHE'S JUST

A LITTLE OUT OF IT.

>> GET HER OFF OF MY PANTS!

>> TAKE A SIP OF WATER.

I GOT YOU, BABY.

I'M GONNA TAKE HER UPSTAIRS,

PUT SOME WATER ON HER FACE.

COME HERE.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.

>> ♪ WITHOUT YOU

>> ♪ WITHOUT YOU ♪ WITHOUT YOU

♪ WITHOUT YOU

>> UM...

HEY, UH, MELANIE...

>> DERWIN, BRING HIM UP AGAIN,

I'M GONNA TALK ABOUT

DREW SIDORA.

SO, FOR D.J.'S PARTY,

I NEED A HEAD COUNT.

ARE TASHA AND MALIK COMING?

I MEAN, THEY ARE D.J.'S

GODPARENTS, AFTER ALL.

>> NO, JASON AND MALIK ARE

D.J.'S GODFATHERS.

LIKE, TASHA DESIGNATED HERSELF

GRAND-GODMAMA.

>> [laughs]

SO IS SHE COMING?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, SINCE THINGS WENT DOWN

WITH YOU TWO, I DON'T KNOW.

>> US THREE.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> US THREE.

>> UM...

LOOK, MELANIE, WE NEED TO TALK--

>> DERWIN, PLEASE, DON'T.

>> YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT I'M GONNA SAY.

I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING YET.

IF YOU THINK IT'S ABOUT THAT

MCBUSTA CAT, IT'S NOT.

ALL RIGHT?

THE PAST IS THE PAST.

JUST THAT WE'VE BOTH DONE SOME

THINGS THAT WE'RE NOT PROUD OF.

ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS THAT

YOU DON'T HAVE TO AVOID THIS

ANYMORE.

DON'T HAVE TO FEEL BAD

OR APOLOGIZE, BECAUSE I'M TRYING

TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU, OKAY?

I'M SORRY FOR MAKING YOU

FEEL BAD TODAY, BUT MOST OF ALL,

MELANIE, I'M SORRY FOR LETTING

YOU GO THROUGH THIS ALONE.

LIKE, I KNOW THE BABY WAS MINE,

BUT WE BOTH WERE IN COLLEGE,

AND I WAS AFRAID AND A COWARD.

LIKE, I LET YOU MAKE A DECISION

ON OUR FUTURE ALL BY YOURSELF.

LIKE, BOO, YOU WAS THE BRAVE

ONE, YOU.

'CAUSE I HAVE BEEN SITTING WITH

THIS FOR TEN YEARS NOW, OKAY?

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WAS

PREGNANT BACK THEN.

I SAW HOW MUCH WEIGHT YOU

GAINED.

I MEAN, COME ON, MELANIE,

NO ONE GAINS THAT MUCH WEIGHT

FRESHMAN YEAR.

BUT THEN YOU CAME BACK FROM THE

SUMMER BREAK LOOKING ALL SKINNY

AND CUTE AGAIN.

BABY, I WAS SO RELIEVED

THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO MENTION

IT TO YOU, SO I JUST WENT BACK

TO CHASING MY DREAM AND LEFT

YOU WITH THE NIGHTMARE.

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, MEL,

IS THAT I'M REALLY SORRY.

IS THAT I'M REALLY SORRY. REALLY, SORRY.

REALLY, SORRY.

>> MY SHIRT IS SO MESSED UP.

YOU KNOW ARMANI GAVE THIS TO ME?

>> YEAH.

IT'S OKAY, BABY.

BIBS WENT TO GET THE IRON.

>> FIX IT, MALIK.

>> I AM.

WE GONNA FIX IT, OKAY?

IT'S FINE.

>> MOVE, BOY.

>> WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT

CALLING ME BOY?

>> WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT

BRINGING HOME HALF-DEAD

SUPERMODELS?

YOU GET ONE A YEAR.

YOU ALREADY USED YOURS UP IN THE

FIRST WEEK IN JANUARY.

DON'T COME FOR ME AT FASHION

WEEK; HERE.

>> DON'T COME FOR ME

AT FASHION WEEK.

>> [exhales]

>> ♪ I'M UP IN THE WOODS

>> WING DELIVERY.

GET 'EM WHILE THEY HOT--WHOA.

HEY, MISS MACK.

MISS MACK...

>> WHAT?

>> OKAY, WHAT'S HIS NAME?

>> I MESSED UP, TEE TEE.

I MESSED UP BAD.

I DROPPED DERWIN AS A CLIENT

AND I TOOK BACK MALIK.

>> YOU DID WHAT?

>> I DROPPED DERWIN AS A--

>> YEAH, I HEARD YOU.

ARE YOU STUPID?

>> I SMELL SOME WINGS.

>> YOU ORDERED WINGS

AND THAT GIRL IS SITTING

UP IN THERE DYING?

>> YEAH, AND A BISCUIT, MA.

HANGOVER FOOD.

>> THREE ORDERS, MALIK?

>> WE CAN'T LET HER EAT ALONE.

YOU KNOW THAT'D BE RUDE.

COME ON, TEE TEE.

JENNA, WHERE ARE YOU?

JENNA, WHERE ARE YOU? OH, MY GOD, SHE'S GONE!

OH, MY GOD, SHE'S GONE!

>> EXCUSE ME.

EX. CUSE. ME.

BARKEEP.

MAN LOOKING THIRSTY WITH HIS

FINGER IN THE AIR.

HELLO, HI, HOW YOU DOING?

>> EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT YOU'RE

GONNA HAVE TO WAIT YOUR TURN

LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, OKAY?

IT'S CALLED COURTESY.

YOU'RE FIRST INTRODUCED TO IT

WHEN YOU HAVE SIBLINGS,

BUT IF YOU'RE NOT SO BLESSED,

YOU LEARN IT AROUND PRE-SCHOOL.

>> OH, WELL...

IF SHE DIDN'T TAKE AN EXTRA SHOT

OF SASS IN HER COFFEE THIS

MORNING, HUH?

>> YOU KNOW, I HAVE A SIGN

THAT GIVES ME PERMISSION

TO KICK YOU OUT OF HERE.

>> OH, DEAR ME, YOU HAVE A SIGN?

>> YES.

>> OH, SHE HAS A SIGN.

MM, OKAY...

PERHAPS YOU JUST ARRIVED HERE

FROM SOME REMOTE CORNER

OF AFRICA OR THE ISLAND

OF JAMAICA.

I'M JASON PITTS,

FUTURE HALL-OF-FAMER,

BROUGHT THE CITY A CHAMPIONSHIP.

I'M THE REASON WHY BEAUTIFUL

WOMEN LIKE THAT FREQUENT

THIS DUMP, OKAY?

THEY COME HERE TO SEE ME

OR MY LESS ATTRACTIVE BUT

EQUALLY RICH AND FAMOUS FRIENDS.

AND WHEN SHE COMES,

HER FRIENDS COME, AND WHEN THEY

COME, ALL THESE DUDES LINE UP

OUTSIDE JUST TO COME IN HERE

AND PAY FOR OVERPRICED DRINKS

SERVED BY SASSY-ASS NECK-ROLLING

BARTENDERS, ALL IN AN ATTEMPT

TO GET MY LEFTOVERS.

>> YOU USED UP ALL OF THAT AIR

TO SAY WHAT?

>> RESPECT THE HAND THAT PAYS

FOR YOUR BUS PASS, WOMAN,

AND GET ME A BEVERAGE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

GET OUT.

>> OH, YOU ARE PRECIOUS.

HERE'S WHERE I REWRITE YOUR

LITTLE SCRIPT, HONEY CHILD.

CHUCK, FRONT AND CENTER.

WHERE YOU AT?

>> JASON, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

>> YEAH, CHUCK WAGON,

I'M TRYING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.

>> MM-HMM.

>> SHE'S MAKING ME HAVE

A BAD ONE.

THE SERVICE IS REPREHENSIBLE.

AND THE FOUR SEASONS IS

REMODELING THEIR LOBBY BAR.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING, CHUCK.

I'M GONNA LEAVE IT RIGHT THERE.

YOU KNOW, I'M JUST--I DON'T WANT

TO COMPLAIN, BUT.

>> CHARDONNAY, MY OFFICE.

>> [chuckles]

CHARDONNAY?

THAT IS AWESOME.

THAT'S PERFECT.

TA TA, CHARDONNAY.

LET ME GUESS, YOU ARE AN...AMY.

YEAH, WHATEVER, AMY.

JULIUS, CAN I GET

A LITTLE LOVE, PLEASE?

A LITTLE LOVE, PLEASE? THANK YOU, SIR.

THANK YOU, SIR.

>> WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

>> D.J.'S GONNA LOVE THE BOOKS

THAT I GOT HIM.

>> UH, MAYBE NOT.

THAT'S WHY I GOT HIM

THE TOY PORSCHE, MEL.

>> DERWIN, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T

GIVE HIM A PORSCHE UNTIL HE CAN

AT LEAST SPELL THE--

OH, NO.

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> OH, DAMN, WE ARE JUST RUNNING

INTO ALL YOUR EX-DUDES TODAY.

WOW, LOOK AT YOU, WALKING AROUND

SABLE COUNTRY LIKE YOU OWN IT.

YOU GOT SOME NERVE, KNOWING YOU

GONNA GET YOUR ASS WHUPPED

ON SUNDAY.

>> SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH, YOU'LL

START TO BELIEVE IT.

>> THIS COMING FROM THE

EAST COAST FUMBLE KING.

>> HI, TREY.

>> HEY, MEL.

>> THIS MUST BE YOUR LOVELY--

>> WIFE.

>> AND YOUR LITTLE--

>> GIRL.

>> SHE'S SO--

>> BEAUTIFUL.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH, TIFFANY, THIS IS MEL.

MEL, TIFFANY.

>> NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU.

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE PARTLY

RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING HIM

THROUGH COLLEGE.

>> I...AM?

>> SHE ACTUALLY GOT ME THROUGH

SCHOOL TOO.

YES, SHE DID.

>> SOMEBODY HAS A BIRTHDAY

COMING UP.

>> YES, MY SON.

HE'S GONNA BE THREE.

>> OH, YAY!

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU GUYS PROBABLY SHOULD COME

THROUGH THE HOUSE, YOU KNOW?

IT'D BE COOL.

I'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU.

>> CONGRATULATIONS.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE PREGNANT.

>> UM...IT'S MY STEP-SON.

>> WELL, LET'S BUMP INFORMATION.

AND WE'LL BE THERE TOMORROW

WHEN?

>> WELL, MELANIE ACTUALLY

PLANNED THE WHOLE THING.

I JUST SHOW UP.

>> NOON.

>> SEE YOU THEN.

>> YEAH.

>> OKAY.

>> NOON.

>> BYE, GUYS.

>> BYE.

>> AWKWARD.

WOW.

>> SHUT UP.

>> YO, BIBS, YOU FIND HER?

>> IF I DID, I'D TELL YOU.

I'M SORRY, MAN.

I JUST HAVEN'T DONE THIS MUCH

WALKING IN A LONG TIME.

OOH, I'M STRESSED.

OOH, I'M STRESSED. [doorbell dings]

[doorbell dings]

>> HI, I'M MARISSA.

I'M...JENNA'S...

PERSONAL CONCIERGE.

IS SHE AVAILABLE?

>> WHAT YOU WANT WITH HER?

>> JENNA REQUESTED MORE PRODUCT,

AND AS A PERSONAL CONCIERGE,

I ALWAYS FULFILL MY PROMISES.

IT'S JUST THAT SHE HAS A LITTLE

PROBLEM FULFILLING HERS.

SHE HAS AN OUTSTANDING DEBT

OF 55 GRAND.

SO ME AND MY...

PRETTY GUN ARE HERE TO COLLECT.

SHE AROUND?

>> WELL, YOU AIN'T THE ONLY ONE

PACKING AROUND HERE.

>> OH, REALLY?

>> REALLY.

>> WHERE'S YOUR LITTLE GUN?

>> WELL, THAT SECRET IS BETWEEN

>> WELL, THAT SECRET IS BETWEEN ME, GOD, AND MY OB-GYN.

ME, GOD, AND MY OB-GYN.

>> YO, YO, YO.

YO, YO, YO, YO, YO.

>> NOT SO LOUD AND EMBARRASSING,

PLEASE.

>> YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GOING

TO THE MOVIES WITH LISA.

>> IT'S LYSSA.

>> HOW ABOUT I KNOCK YOUR LITTLE

PUNK ASS OUTTA.

>> HE'S SWEDISH,

AND WE WERE JUST KISSING.

>> OH, YOU WERE JUST--

YOU WERE JUST KISSING.

I'M SORRY.

DO I NEED TO SEND YOU BACK

TO AUNTIE TASHA'S FOR A FRESH

WHUPPING WITH A SWITCH

AND SOME GOOD TIMESRERUNS?

>> BYE, LYSSA.

>> YO!

YEAH, BYE, LYSSA.

ANYMORE BOYFRIENDS YOU GOT

THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT?

>> I ONLY HAVE EYES FOR LYSSA.

HE'S ACTUALLY MADE

HIS OWN CHOCOLATE BEFORE.

IT'S A PROUD SWISS TRADITION.

>> MM, OKAY, HOW MANY OF YOUR

BOYFRIENDS HAVE, YOU KNOW,

BEEN CHOCOLATE?

>> YOU MEAN BLACK?

>> NO, I MEAN ACTUALLY

MADE OF CHOCOLATE.

YES, BLACK.

>> EW, DAD.

COME ON.

YOU KNOW HOW WE DO.

COME ON.

>> EXCUSE ME?

NO, HEY, NO, NO.

YOU DIDN'T GET THIS FROM ME.

I DATE BLACK WOMEN.

CAMILLE'S BLACK.

>> BARELY.

>> ALL RIGHT, I'M TAKING YOU

TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS,

WHO ARE BLACK, BY THE WAY.

>> UGH, YEAH, BUT I DON'T

>> UGH, YEAH, BUT I DON'T HAVE TO DATE THEM.

HAVE TO DATE THEM.

>> JENNA!

JENNA!

MA, GO OVER THERE AND LOOK

IN THE ROSE BUSHES.

YOU KNOW SHE PROBABLY LIKES

THE THORNS.

>> I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE,

MALIK.

>> MOM, WHAT YOU MEAN?

NO, YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB.

AND I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU,

ALL RIGHT?

EARLIER TODAY, I WAS JUST

THINKING, "I GOT TO DO SOMETHING

EXTRA SPECIAL FOR MY MAMA

FOR MOTHER'S DAY."

>> MALIK, I LEFT RICHMOND TO

KEEP YOU AWAY FROM DRUGS

AND DRUG DEALERS.

>> MA, YOU LEFT RICHMOND

'CAUSE I GOT A FULL SCHOLARSHIP.

>> IT DON'T MEAN IT WASN'T

ON MY DREAM BOARD.

MALIK, YOUR CAREER

IS IN THE TOILET.

YOU'RE OVER HERE CHASING

AFTER SOME DAMN ADDICT.

CUT HER LOOSE, BABY.

SHE GONNA RUIN YOUR LIFE.

>> MA, I CAN'T DO THAT.

I LOVE HER.

IF IT WASN'T FOR HER, I WOULD

NOT HAVE MADE IT THROUGH REHAB.

SHE'S SEEN ME AT MY WORST

AND SHE STILL LOVES ME.

AND NOW SHE'S AT HER WORST,

AND I GOT TO BE THERE FOR HER.

>> WHAT ABOUT ME?

HMM?

WHAT ABOUT ME, MALIK?

I GOT ALL MY EGGS IN YOUR

BASKET, ALL OF THEM.

I NEED YOU TO BE

AT THE TOP OF YOUR GAME,

'CAUSE YOU GOT SOME OMELETS

TO MAKE.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

BUMP THAT, 'CAUSE MAMA GOT

FRITTATA TASTE.

>> YOU TRIPPIN'.

AND I CAN'T TALK TO YOU NO MORE.

>> OKAY, MALIK, IF I FIND HER

FIRST, I'M TAKING HER STRAIGHT

BACK TO REHAB.

>> GO HOME, MA!

COME ON, TEE TEE.

>> YEAH, I'LL BE THERE

IN A MINUTE.

MISS MACK, COME HERE.

COME HERE.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

LOOK, IN THIS MOMENT, I NEED

YOU TO THINK OF ME

AS YOUR MAGICAL NEGRO.

>> MY WHAT?

>> YOU KNOW, YOUR MICHAEL

CLARKE DUNCAN IN THE GREEN MILE,

YOUR MORGAN FREEMAN IN...

ALL HIS MOVIES.

JUST IMAGINE YOU'RE A WHITE

PERSON IN NEED, RIGHT,

AND I ASK YOU, "WHY ARE YOU

GIVING HIM THE POWER TO CHOOSE?"

I MEAN, COME ON, THIS IS YOUR

LIFE TOO, MISS MACK.

AND IF I GET ANY VOTE

IN ALL THIS, YOU NEED TO GO BACK

TO DERWIN.

COME ON, NOW, YOU KNOW YOU

AIN'T NEVER MADE GOOD DECISIONS

WHEN IT COMES TO MEN,

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES

TO YOUR SON.

>> TEE TEE, THE DAY MALIK GOT

DRAFTED, THAT WAS A HUGE MOMENT.

MAN, WE SPENT ALL DAY TRYING ON

DIFFERENT OUTFITS, TRYING TO

COORDINATE.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO COORDINATE.

AND THEN WHITNEY HAD JUST COME

OUT WITH THAT SONG

MY LOVE IS YOUR LOVE,

AND FROM THE MOMENT I HEARD

THAT SONG, I THOUGHT ABOUT

ME AND MALIK.

IT WAS GONNA BE US

AGAINST THE WORLD.

AND WE WON.

YEAH, MY BABY MADE FIRST PICK.

AND WE KNEW COMING INTO THE

LEAGUE, A LOT OF THINGS

WERE GONNA BE HAPPENING,

BUT...

WE MADE A VOW TO EACH OTHER

THAT NO MATTER WHAT WENT DOWN,

FAMILY WAS GONNA ALWAYS

COME FIRST.

NOW HERE YOU ARE,

MAKING ME SECOND-GUESS THAT

PROMISE FOR THE FIRST TIME

IN MY LIFE.

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S OKAY TO CHOOSE

YOURSELF THIS TIME, MISS MACK.

>> I FOUND HER!

>> OH, COME ON, LET'S GO.

>> PLEASE TELL ME SHE'S NOT

DEAD, MA.

>> I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DO KNOW

I DON'T WANT MY FINGERPRINTS ON

THE BODY IF SHE IS, SO...

THE BODY IF SHE IS, SO... NO DISRESPECT.

NO DISRESPECT.

OH, HELL.

OH, HELL. SHE DEAD.

SHE DEAD.

>> AIN'T YOU CRAZY?

THAT DOCTOR.

THAT'S WHY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.

WASN'T ME.

>> DERWIN, SHUT UP.

>> DERWIN, SHUT UP. >> [laughing]

>> [laughing]

OH, MY GOD, MEL,

YOUR DUDES IS WHACK.

GAY WIGS, MCCHEESY.

KNOW WHAT?

NOW YOU GOT ME LOOKING

AT MYSELF LIKE...

"HOLD ON, IS DERWIN DAVIS

WHACK?"

>> WHATEVER.

SO HOW DID YOU EVER FIND OUT

ABOUT MCCHEESY?

I MEAN, MCHOTTIE.

>> THAT'S MY LITTLE SECRET.

>> DID JANAY TELL YOU?

NO, IT WAS TASHA.

I KNOW.

IT WAS JANAY.

>> IT'S LIKE THE BIBLE SAYS,

WHAT'S DONE IN THE DARK

WILL COME TO THE LIGHT.

>> WHA--WHY?

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT? >> 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE.

>> 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE.

>> [sighs]

DERWIN...

THE ABORTION DIDN'T HAPPEN

IN COLLEGE, AND THE BABY

WASN'T YOURS.

IT WAS TREY.

>> HELL NO.

>> DERWIN.

>> MM-MM, MM-MM.

>> NO.

>> STOP PLAYING.

GIVE ME MY KEYS.

>> YOU CANNOT GO, OKAY?

YOU CAN'T TALK TO ANYBODY ELSE.

YOU HAVE TO TALK TO ME.

WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS.

DERWIN.

IT HAPPENED DURING THE TIME

WE BROKE UP OVER THAT

WHOLE DREW THING.

>> WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

YOU BROKE THE TV TOO, HUH?

[clattering]

[smashing]

>> DERWIN...

>> MELANIE, PEOPLE ASK ME

ALL THE TIME, WHAT DO I SEE

IN YOU?

LIKE, "WHY ARE YOU WITH HER,

MAN?

THAT GIRL AIN'T NOTHING

BUT DRAMA."

I SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT, BRAH?

IT'S BECAUSE I LOVE THAT GIRL.

SHE'S MY BOO."

BUT I'M STARTING TO BELIEVE

THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

>> UGH, GOD, DERWIN, PLEASE

DON'T ACT LIKE YOUR POOP

DOESN'T STINK.

>> IT DOESN'T.

YOU WAS JUST IN THERE.

I MEAN, DAMN, MELANIE,

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST LET ME

BELIEVE THE BABY WAS MINE?

YOU HAD AN OUT.

>> I'M TIRED OF THE BONES

FALLING OUT OF MY CLOSET,

DERWIN.

AND JUST LIKE YOU SAID,

YOU WERE GONNA FIND OUT ANYWAY.

AND THEN I'D BE A LIAR AGAIN,

JUST LIKE WHEN YOU FOUND OUT

I SWABBED D.J.

AS OF TEN MINUTES AGO,

I AM SO DONE WITH ALL THE LIES.

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

YOU'RE NEVER DONE.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU HADN'T CHEATED

ON ME WITH DREW SIDORA,

IT WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED.

>> OH, WOW, YOU'RE GONNA

GO THERE.

SO IT'S MY FAULT THAT

YOU KILLED A BABY?

HUH?

YEAH, YEAH, YOU KILLED A BABY.

I SAID IT.

>> FIRST OF ALL, I AM A DOCTOR.

AND IT IS DEBATABLE WHETHER

OR NOT IT WAS A BABY.

>> I MEAN, IT'S DEBATABLE THAT

YOU EVEN ARE A DOCTOR.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH, REALLY.

>> DERWIN, IT IS OVER.

IT'S IN THE PAST.

>> BUT IT'S NOT OVER,

IS IT, MELANIE?

'CAUSE NOW YOU CAN'T HAVE

OUR BABY, CAN YOU?

HUH?

MELANIE, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA

REALIZE THAT YOUR LIES

AFFECT ME?

OKAY?

THIS IS MY LIFE TOO.

>> I JUST WANT YOU

TO GET OVER IT.

>> JUST LIKE THAT?

>> YES, YES.

BURN A CANDLE.

HOP AROUND A FIRE.

SAY A PRAYER.

DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU HAVE TO DO

TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT

THAT I DID IT.

I HAD AN ABORTION!

I NEVER WANTED YOU TO KNOW.

THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS

GOING TO MY GRAVE.

BUT NOW THAT YOU KNOW,

I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON.

JUST--I JUST WANT TO GO

TO BED, OKAY?

I WANT YOU TO CUDDLE ME.

I WANT TO RUB MY COLD FEET

ON YOUR WARM LEG, AND I WANT

TO SAY, "I LOVE YOU."

AND I WANT YOU TO KISS ME

ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD AND TELL

ME THAT YOU LOVE ME

PAST THE MOON.

AND I WANT TO SAY, "WHY?"

AND I WANT YOU HEAR YOU LAUGH

AND TELL ME ONE MORE REASON WHY.

>> ♪ I'M UP IN THE WOODS

♪ I'M DOWN ON MY MIND

>> I CAN'T DO THAT TONIGHT,

MELANIE.

MELANIE. >> [sighs]

>> [sighs]

>> DAMN IT.

PUCCI'S NUMBER'S DISCONNECTED.

>> YO, I GOT NEXT ON SHORTY.

>> SOMEBODY CALL 911!

>> BUMP THAT.

LOOK, YOUR CAREER CANNOT AFFORD

TO TAKE A HIT RIGHT NOW.

>> I'M NOT CONCERNED ABOUT

MY IMAGE RIGHT NOW, MA.

>> WELL, YOU NEED TO BE.

HOW THE HELL YOU GONNA EXPLAIN

THE DEAD SUPERMODEL

WITH FLAWLESS SKIN

LYING ON YOUR MANSION FLOOR?

WHAT KIND OF LOTION SHE USE?

>> I'M SITTING HERE WITH MY

GIRLFRIEND ALMOST DEAD,

AND YOU TALKING ABOUT THE WAY

HER SKIN LOOKS?

>> OKAY, YOU RIGHT, YOU RIGHT.

I'LL FIND OUT AT THE AUTOPSY.

TEE TEE, LOOK, YOUR MAMA DID

A LOT OF DRUGS, OKAY?

WHAT DID YOU DO?

>> WENT TO COLLEGE.

>> I AIN'T GOT TIME

FOR YOUR WIT.

>> SOMEBODY CALL 911, PLEASE!

>> SHE OVERDOSED?

>> YES, ON YOUR DRUGS.

>> WELL, YOU GUYS SHOULD

HAVE CALLED ME.

GET OUT OF THE WAY.

>> OOH!

>> [gasps]

>> OH!

>> OH, PHILLY.

>> GOT YOU, COME HERE.

COME HERE.

COME HERE.

GOT YOU, COME HERE.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS.

I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO THINK

I'M A DOUCHEBAG, BUT...

I GOT TO CHARGE YOU EXTRA

I GOT TO CHARGE YOU EXTRA FOR THIS.

FOR THIS.

>> HEY.

STOPPED BY THE BAR.

THEY SAID YOU'D BE HERE.

>> YEAH, I GOT FIRED.

THANK YOU.

>> YEAH, THEY SAID THAT TOO.

LOOK, CHABLIS, I'M SORRY.

>> MY NAME IS CHARDONNAY, OKAY?

>> RIGHT, YEAH, CHARDONNAY,

CHARDONNAY.

WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME,

BY-THE-GLASS?

CHILLED?

IT'S WINE HUMOR.

>> SERIOUSLY?

YOU GET ME FIRED, AND THEN YOU

COME OUT HERE TO HECKLE ME?

>> I'M NOT HECKLING YOU.

>> WHAT?

TAKE THAT, YOU PUNK-ASS.

>> WHOA!

LOOK...

AW, COME ON.

I GOT LIABILITY ONLY.

I GOT TO LIVE WITH THAT.

>> GOOD.

>> ALL RIGHT, HEY, HEY, HEY.

LOOK, IT'S NOT THE END

OF THE WORLD.

YOU LOST A BAR JOB.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU LOST

A CABINET POSITION.

>> WHY ARE YOU STILL TALKING

TO ME?

>> 'CAUSE I FEEL BAD,

ALL RIGHT?

HOW ABOUT THIS?

HOW ABOUT I PAY YOUR SALARY

FOR TWO WEEKS?

I MEAN, HOW MUCH COULD YOU

POSSIBLY MAKE?

>> WELL, WITH TIPS, $300 A

NIGHT, BUT WITH MY GOOD BRA,

$500.

>> OKAY, THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

YOU SEEM LIKE A BABY BACK RIBS

KIND OF GAL.

HOW ABOUT I TAKE YOU

TO CHILI'S?

HUH?

♪ BARBECUE SAUCE

COME ON, LET'S GET IT DONE.

COME ON.

UGH...

WHAT THE--

[airplane buzzing]

WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT THE HELL? UGH.

UGH.

I'M IN MEXICO?

[toilet flushing]

OKAY.

WHAT WOULD BOND DO, J?

WHAT WOULD BOND DO?

CALM DOWN, DUDE.

HEY, AMIGO...

YOU WANT TO KIDNAP ME, HUH?

TRADE ME UP FOR A LOT OF

CHIMICHANGAS, OR SOMETHING

LIKE THAT?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

AMIGO, YOU BETTER BRING ALL OF

MEXICO TO COME FOR ME,

BECAUSE I'M IN THE MOOD

FOR SOME TACOS.

HUH.

HUH. WHEN THE HELL DID I GET MARRIED?

WHEN THE HELL DID I GET MARRIED?

PINOT NOIR?

>> GOOD MORNING, HUSBAND.

>> GOOD MORNING, HUSBAND. >> NO.

>> NO.

>> I SWEAR, I SHOULD BRING

YOU UP ON CHARGES, WOMAN.

YOU ROOFIED ME.

>> COME ON, JASON.

WE WENT TO CHILI'S AND YOU

FORGOT YOUR COUPONS.

SO I WAS LIKE, "LET'S GO TO

TACO BELL.

THEY HAVE 79-CENT TACOS."

AND YOU WERE LIKE, "I KNOW

A PLACE IN TIJUANA THAT HAS

69-CENT TACOS."

SO HERE WE ARE.

OH, AND THEN I ROOFIED YOU.

>> AH!

>> I'M JUST PLAYING.

I'M JUST PLAYING.

LOOK, WE GOT REALLY DRUNK,

AND YOU KEPT RAMBLING ON ABOUT

HOW YOU LOVE BLACK WOMEN.

SO I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, RIGHT.

PROVE IT."

AND YOU MARRIED ME.

>> WHAT?

>> YEAH, AND IT AIN'T AS FUNNY

AS YOU GETTING ME FIRED,

BUT I DID LAUGH.

>> THIS--NO, NO.

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

>> I FIGURED YOU'D SAY

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

SO I TOOK PLENTY OF SNAPS.

THAT'S YOU AFTER YOU SAID,

"I DO."

OOH, AND THAT'S US EATING OUR

CHEAP-ASS TACOS.

OH, MY GOD.

>> IS THAT A DONKEY?

>> YEAH, THERE WERE THREE.

THEY KEPT ARGUING OVER WHO

SHOULD BE YOUR BEST MAN.

both: OOH!

>> WHAT?

SO THIS IS REAL?

>> OH, IT AIN'T REAL GOLD,

BUT WE REAL MARRIED.

BUT WE REAL MARRIED. >> OH, MY...

>> OH, MY...

>> HEY.

>> OH.

>> HERE YOU GO.

>> THANK YOU, TEE TEE.

LOOK AT HER.

COMING IN HERE, BEING ALL

DEMANDING.

WHO THE HELL SHE THINK SHE IS?

AL-QAIDA?

NEED TO SPLASH SOME OF THIS

SCALDING COFFEE UP IN HER FACE.

>> YOU KNOW, IF YOU DO THAT,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO KILL YOU.

>> SHE'S SERIOUS ABOUT HER

DAMN MONEY, HUH?

GUESS I CAN'T KNOCK THAT HUSTLE.

>> YEAH, SHE CHARGE BY THE HOUR

TOO.

IN ANOTHER HOUR, WE GONNA BE

UP TO 60 GRAND.

>> UGH...

THANKS FOR STANDING WATCH,

TEE TEE.

DID HE EVEN TRY AND COME OUT

THE ROOM YET?

>> MM-MM, NOT A PEEP.

>> WHO ON THE DOOR NOW?

>> BIBS.

THAT DUDE AIN'T FAMILY, THOUGH.

JUST A GUN FOR HIRE

PERPETRATING A FRAUD.

>> BOY, NOW IS NOT THE TIME

FOR YOU TO BE GETTING JEALOUS

HERE.

>> WELL, LET'S SEE BIBS PARLAY

THIS INTO A WING TRIP.

LOOK...

HAVE YOU GIVEN ANYMORE THOUGHT

TO LEAVING MALIK AND GOING

BACK TO DERWIN?

>> IT'S NOT THAT EASY, TEE TEE.

BUT I APPRECIATE IT, YOU KNOW?

I REALLY DO.

I'VE ALREADY MADE MY DECISION,

AND I'MA STICK TO IT.

FAMILY IS GONNA ALWAYS COME

FIRST.

YOU KNOW, AND UNTIL YOU SQUIRT

OUT A CHILD FROM YOUR LOINS,

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA

EVER UNDERSTAND THAT FEELING.

SO HERE...

GO AND GIVE THIS TO HER

SO SHE CAN GO.

>> MAN, SHE AIN'T GO TAKE THIS.

>> GIVE IT TO HER.

>> ALL RIGHT.

TAKE A BLACK CARD?

>> OF COURSE I DO.

YEAH, YOU JUST GOT TO REMEMBER

THAT IT SHOWS UP ON YOUR

STATEMENT UNDER

STATEMENT UNDER "MARTIN'S ASBESTOS REMOVAL."

"MARTIN'S ASBESTOS REMOVAL."

>> I SWEAR, I SHOULD BRING

YOU UP ON CHARGES, WOMAN.

YOU ROOFIED ME.

>> COME ON, JASON.

WE WENT TO CHILI'S AND YOU

FORGOT YOUR COUPONS.

SO I WAS LIKE, "LET'S GO TO

TACO BELL.

THEY HAVE 79-CENT TACOS."

AND YOU WERE LIKE, "I KNOW

A PLACE IN TIJUANA THAT HAS

69-CENT TACOS."

SO HERE WE ARE.

OH, AND THEN I ROOFIED YOU.

>> AH!

>> I'M JUST PLAYING.

I'M JUST PLAYING.

LOOK, WE GOT REALLY DRUNK,

AND YOU KEPT RAMBLING ON ABOUT

HOW YOU LOVE BLACK WOMEN.

SO I WAS LIKE, "YEAH, RIGHT.

PROVE IT."

AND YOU MARRIED ME.

>> WHAT?

>> YEAH, AND IT AIN'T AS FUNNY

AS YOU GETTING ME FIRED,

BUT I DID LAUGH.

>> THIS--NO, NO.

THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

>> I FIGURED YOU'D SAY

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

SO I TOOK PLENTY OF SNAPS.

THAT'S YOU AFTER YOU SAID,

"I DO."

OOH, AND THAT'S US EATING OUR

CHEAP-ASS TACOS.

OH, MY GOD.

>> IS THAT A DONKEY?

>> YEAH, THERE WERE THREE.

THEY KEPT ARGUING OVER WHO

SHOULD BE YOUR BEST MAN.

both: OOH!

>> WHAT?

SO THIS IS REAL?

>> OH, IT AIN'T REAL GOLD,

BUT WE REAL MARRIED.

BUT WE REAL MARRIED. >> OH, MY...

>> OH, MY...

>> HEY.

>> OH.

>> HERE YOU GO.

>> THANK YOU, TEE TEE.

LOOK AT HER.

COMING IN HERE, BEING ALL

DEMANDING.

WHO THE HELL SHE THINK SHE IS?

AL-QAIDA?

NEED TO SPLASH SOME OF THIS

SCALDING COFFEE UP IN HER FACE.

>> YOU KNOW, IF YOU DO THAT,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO KILL YOU.

>> SHE'S SERIOUS ABOUT HER

DAMN MONEY, HUH?

GUESS I CAN'T KNOCK THAT HUSTLE.

>> YEAH, SHE CHARGE BY THE HOUR

TOO.

IN ANOTHER HOUR, WE GONNA BE

UP TO 60 GRAND.

>> UGH...

THANKS FOR STANDING WATCH,

TEE TEE.

DID HE EVEN TRY AND COME OUT

THE ROOM YET?

>> MM-MM, NOT A PEEP.

>> WHO ON THE DOOR NOW?

>> BIBS.

THAT DUDE AIN'T FAMILY, THOUGH.

JUST A GUN FOR HIRE

PERPETRATING A FRAUD.

>> BOY, NOW IS NOT THE TIME

FOR YOU TO BE GETTING JEALOUS

HERE.

>> WELL, LET'S SEE BIBS PARLAY

THIS INTO A WING TRIP.

LOOK...

HAVE YOU GIVEN ANYMORE THOUGHT

TO LEAVING MALIK AND GOING

BACK TO DERWIN?

>> IT'S NOT THAT EASY, TEE TEE.

BUT I APPRECIATE IT, YOU KNOW?

I REALLY DO.

I'VE ALREADY MADE MY DECISION,

AND I'MA STICK TO IT.

FAMILY IS GONNA ALWAYS COME

FIRST.

YOU KNOW, AND UNTIL YOU SQUIRT

OUT A CHILD FROM YOUR LOINS,

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA

EVER UNDERSTAND THAT FEELING.

SO HERE...

GO AND GIVE THIS TO HER

SO SHE CAN GO.

>> MAN, SHE AIN'T GO TAKE THIS.

>> GIVE IT TO HER.

>> ALL RIGHT.

TAKE A BLACK CARD?

>> OF COURSE I DO.

YEAH, YOU JUST GOT TO REMEMBER

THAT IT SHOWS UP ON YOUR

STATEMENT UNDER

STATEMENT UNDER "MARTIN'S ASBESTOS REMOVAL."

"MARTIN'S ASBESTOS REMOVAL."

>> NO, NO.

SEÑOR, I'M TRYING TO REACH

SAN DIEGO.

SAN DI--

HOW DO YOU NO COMPRENDE?

"SAN DIEGO" IS SPANISH, DUDE.

>> WHY DON'T YOU JUST USE

YOUR CELL PHONE?

>> BECAUSE PRE-PAID MINUTES

DON'T TRANSFER INTERNATIONALLY,

CHARDONNAY, OKAY?

>> AIN'T LIFE FUNNY?

THE SELL-OUT DUDE WHO ONLY DATES

WHITE WOMEN MARRIED A REAL

HOOD BLACK WOMAN WITH A WEAVE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU BLACK WOMEN THINK THAT'S

PARTICULAR TO YOU.

WHITE WOMEN HAVE BEEN WEAVING

THEIR HAIR SINCE FOREVER, OKAY?

SO, YEAH, YOU STILL COME

IN SECOND PLACE.

>> BEST BELIEVE WHEN WE GET

BACK TO SAN DIEGO, WE GETTING

THIS MESS ANNULLED, OKAY?

>> OH.

>> YES, IT WAS A JOKE,

'CAUSE DON'T NOBODY WANT

YOUR HIGH-YELLA ASS.

>> IT'S "YELLOW" WITH AN "O."

"O."

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULD NEVER STAY MARRIED

TO MY OPPRESSOR.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> YEAH, I SAID IT.

>> I'M NOT YOUR OPPRESSOR, OKAY?

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING

AGAINST BLACK WOMEN.

SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS' WIVES

ARE BLACK WOMEN.

MY DAUGHTER IS BLACK, DESPITE

HOW OFTEN WE RELAX HER HAIR TO

TRY TO MAKE HER LOOK

LIKE SHE ISN'T.

>> I BET.

>> OH, YOU BET.

AND I'M SURE YOUR HAIR JUST

GROWS RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEAD

NATURALLY LIKE THAT?

>> DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT?

>> LOOK, WE DON'T DO IT BECAUSE

WE'RE ASHAMED.

WE DO IT SO SHE'LL HAVE

MORE OPTIONS.

BUT THE FACT REMAINS, WHEN SHE

GROWS UP, SHE'S GONNA BE

A BLACK WOMAN.

SHE ALREADY HAD THE ATTITUDE,

THE NECK-ROLLS, ALL THAT.

>> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT DOES NOT STOP WITH YOU,

DOES IT?

ADMIT IT, JASON.

YOU HATE BEING BLACK.

>> I--

>> YES, THAT'S WHY YOU--

YOU DATE WHITE WOMEN,

YOU DRIVE AROUND IN WHITE CARS,

AND YOU EAT WHITE FOOD.

I MEAN, WHO IN THE HELL ORDERS

A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN FAJITA?

LOOK, YOU CAN DATE ALL OF THE

BLOND WOMEN YOU WANT, BUT THAT

AIN'T EVER GONNA MAKE YOU WHITE.

>> WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

YOU DON'T KNOW ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING

ABOUT ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

I'VE BEEN THROUGH.

>> AW, WHAT HAPPENED?

THE LITTLE BLACK KIDS

MADE FUN OF YOU?

>> ACTUALLY, YEAH.

YEAH, THEY DID,

ESPECIALLY THE GIRLS.

I'M GLAD TO SEE

THAT HASN'T CHANGED.

WHEN I WAS A KID, ME AND MY

COUSIN USED TO SPEND SUMMERS

WITH MY GRANDMA IN LONG BEACH.

THERE WAS THIS GIRL,

KEISHA JACKSON, WHO LIVED

NEXT DOOR.

SHE WAS--OH, I HAD THE HUGEST

CRUSH ON HER.

AND SHE USED TO TELL THE BOYS,

"CALL ME MISS JACKSON

IF YOU'RE NASTY."

HAD THAT SPLIT-LEVEL 'DO.

>> OOH, LIKE, ASYMMETRICAL

LIKE SALT-N-PEPA?

>> YES.

YEAH, SHE HAD BAMBOO EARRINGS

AND A BODY LIKE YOU DID NOT SEE

IN N.C.

YOU KNOW, I'M TALKING ABOUT

CHEEKS FOR WEEKS.

I WAS--AH, OOF...

ANYWAY...

FIRST BLOCK PARTY OF THE SUMMER,

KOOL MOE DEE'S I GO TO WORK

WAS ON THE BOOMBOX.

I SAID, "ALL RIGHT,

THIS IS MY CHANCE.

THIS IS MY SHOT."

I GOT MY COURAGE UP,

WALKED UP TO KEISHA.

I SAID, "EXCUSE ME, MISS

JACKSON..."

SO SHE KNEW I WAS NASTY, RIGHT?

>> COME ON.

>> I SAID, "EXCUSE ME,

MISS JACKSON, WOULD YOU LIKE TO

DANCE TO KOOL MOE DEE'S

I GO TO WORKWITH ME?"

SHE LAUGHED IN MY FACE,

SAID, "I DON'T DANCE

WITH WHITE BOYS."

>> OH, SO ONE BLACK GIRL DIDN'T

LIKE YOUR CORNY PICKUP LINE.

>> YEAH, HER, LARONDA MILLER,

SHAYLA HILL, PRINCESS JOHNSON.

THE LIST GOES ON.

YOU KNOW WHO WOULD DANCE

WITH ME?

AMBER STONE, KIMBERLY GLASSMAN,

BECKY KERSCHEMBAUM.

BUT ONCE I GOT IN THE LEAGUE,

GUESS WHO MY BIGGEST FANS WERE.

>> BLACK WOMEN.

>> YES, YES.

OOH, THEY LOVED ME THEN.

COULDN'T GET ENOUGH OF ME.

I HAD A LITTLE MONEY,

A LITTLE FAME.

>> SO?

>> SO--SO?

>> YES.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "SO"?

SO I WAS TRAUMATIZED.

SO I WAS CHANGED FOREVER.

>> LOOK, ON BEHALF OF ALL OF

THE BLACK WOMEN WHO MISTREATED

YOU, JASON, I APOLOGIZE.

BUT YOU CAN'T PUNISH ALL BLACK

WOMEN BECAUSE OF A FEW USERS.

>> LOOK, I WISH I COULD CHANGE

MY EXPERIENCE.

I DO.

I CAN'T.

BUT WHAT I CAN DO,

AND WHAT I HOPE DO, IS BE

MORE...

OPEN-MINDED IN THE FUTURE,

YOU KNOW?

>> HUH, SO YOU WILL BE

GETTING ME MY JOB BACK?

>> [laughs]

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I'M SORRY.

I KNOW YOU NEED YOUR

GRAPE SODA MONEY.

>> YOU MAKE ME SICK.

>> SO I GUESS WE...

CONSUMMATED THE HELL

OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE, HUH?

>> OH, YOU TRIED, BUT YOU GOT

KICKED IN THE DING-DONG,

THUS THE ICE PACK.

DON'T NOBODY GET NONE OF THIS

FOR NO DAMN CHICKEN FAJITAS,

FREE-RANGE OR NOT.

>> LOOKS NICE.

>> WHAT?

>> I WAS SAYING THE STREAMER

LOOKS NICE.

>> OH.

THANK YOU.

OOH--OOH!

>> YOU OKAY?

>> YES, THANK YOU.

AH, AGAIN.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

MELANIE, YOU STILL HAVE

TO TALK TO ME ABOUT--

>> DERWIN, OUR GUESTS

WILL BE HERE SOON.

WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T DO THIS.

>> YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, SO, UM...

WHAT ELSE NEEDS TO BE DONE?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAN HELP ME ICE

THE CUPCAKES.

>> THESE ONES?

>> YEAH.

WASH YOUR HANDS.

>> MM, THESE SMELL GOOD.

>> MM, THESE SMELL GOOD. >> HERE.

>> HERE.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I FORGET

I EVER DID WHAT I DID.

THE ONLY THINK I CAN THINK ABOUT

WAS LOSING YOU.

I MEAN, HONESTLY, DERWIN,

COULD YOU SAY YOU WANTED ME

AGAIN AFTER HAVING TREY'S BABY?

>> I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.

>> EXACTLY.

IT WOULD BE HARD FOR YOU

TO SIT THERE EVERY DAY

AND WATCH ME WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S

BABY.

BELIEVE ME.

I KNOW.

I HAVE TO DO IT EVERY DAY.

I HAVE TO DO IT EVERY DAY. >> WAS HE THERE WITH YOU?

>> WAS HE THERE WITH YOU?

>> NO.

HE DOESN'T KNOW.

NO ONE KNOWS.

I MEAN, TASHA SUSPECTS

I STOLE MONEY FROM HER,

WHICH I DID.

BUT SHE THINKS I BOUGHT

A PURSE, WHICH I DID,

A KNOCKOFF, YOU KNOW,

TO THROW HER OFF THE PATH.

SHE'S STILL NEW MONEY AND

COULDN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU COULD HAVE

STOPPED AT "NO."

>> FAMILY FIRST.

FAMILY FIRST.

FAMILY FIRST.

FAMILY FIRST.

FAMILY FIRST. FAMILY FIRST.

FAMILY FIRST.

>> YOU OKAY, MA?

>> DON'T YOU MAKE ME REGRET

>> DON'T YOU MAKE ME REGRET CHOOSING YOU, MALIK.

CHOOSING YOU, MALIK.

>> I'M TAKING JENNA

>> I'M TAKING JENNA BACK TO REHAB, MOM.

BACK TO REHAB, MOM.

>> ♪ I'M UP IN THE WOODS

♪ I'M DOWN ON MY MIND

>> [whispering] FAMILY FIRST.

>> GOD DADDIES IN THE HOUSE.

HEY-O!

>> HEY-O!

>> HEY-O.

>> WHAT'S UP, MY GUY?

>> HEY, MALIK,

THANKS FOR COMING, MAN.

MEANS A LOT.

>> YEAH.

YOU KNOW, FAMILY HAS TO COME

FIRST, RIGHT?

>> WHAT'S UP, LITTLE D.J.?

>> CAN YOU SAY--CAN YOU SAY,

"HI, GOD DADDY LIK-LIK"?

>> HI, DADDY LIK-LIK.

>> YEAH.

[laughter]

YEAH, SAY, "HI, JASON."

>> HI, JASON.

>> WHAT'S UP, LITTLE DING-DONG?

>> SO, THEN...TASHA'S COMING?

>> NO, SHE COULDN'T MAKE IT.

SHE FOUND SOME SHRAPNEL

IN HER BACK.

>> ♪ I'M UP IN THE WOODS

>> D.J.!

[laughter]

>> HEY, GUYS, LOOK

WHAT D.J. DID.

LOOK WHAT D.J. DID.

GIVE HIM A HAND, YOU GUYS.

>> WHOA!

>> WHOO!

EVERYBODY SAY, "YAY, D.J.!"

all: YAY, D.J.!

>> ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE.

ONE MORE, AT ME AGAIN.

AT ME AGAIN, D.J.

POINT.

YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT, IF I COULD PLEASE

JUST GET A FEW WITH JUST MOMMY,

DADDY, AND MR. D.J. HERE,

THAT'D BE GREAT.

>> OKAY, UM...

>> THANKS, MELANIE.

MAYBE A GOOD TIME

TO GET THE CUPCAKES OUT,

YOU THINK?

>> YEAH.

>> OKAY, COME ON, HON.

THERE YOU GO.

>> ♪ I'M BUILDING A STILL

♪ TO SLOW DOWN THE TIME

>> I'LL LET IT GO, BECAUSE I SEE

THE PILL YOU GOT TO SWALLOW.

>> YEAH.

AND JANAY DOESN'T GIVE ME ANY

WATER TO TAKE DOWN WITH IT

EITHER.

ARE YOU REALLY OVER IT?

>> YEAH, BOO.

BUT, LISTEN, WE NEED A TRUTH

PACT, AND WHAT I MEAN BY THAT

IS, NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS,

HOW LONG IT'S BEEN, BIG OR

SMALL, WE GOT TO TELL EACH OTHER

THE TRUTH, ALL THE TIME,

EVEN IF IT HURTS.

WE MADE A PROMISE TO EACH OTHER,

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, OKAY?

FOR ME, I'D LIKE A LITTLE MORE

OF THE BETTER.

>> ME TOO.

>> UH, GUYS, COME ON.

D.J.'S READY TO OPEN UP

HIS GIFTS.

>> OH, SHOOT, WE LEFT

OUR GIFTS IN THE CAR.

>> OH, YEAH, DON'T WORRY.

I'LL GO GET IT.

OKAY.

OKAY. >> THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> HEY, MAN, SORRY I'M LATE.

FAMILY'S A NO-SHOW.

DAUGHTER CAUGHT A COLD.

THOUGHT IT'D BE BETTER

IF I JUST CAME--

[thumping hip-hop]

♪

>> ♪ LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

♪ I AIN'T TRYING TO BE

♪ POLITICALLY CORRECT BUT

♪ I WON'T REST

♪ TILL I'M GIVEN MY RESPECT

♪ AND MY VISION ISN'T SET...

>> HEY-YO.

LOOK WHAT DADDY GOT.

GOT SOME MORE GIFTS.

>> HEY.

WOW!

>> HERE YOU GO.

THAT'S FROM MOMMY AND MELANIE.

>> THANK YOU.

SAY, "THANKS, MAMA MEL."

>> OKAY...

FIRST TRUTH MOMENT,

FIRST TRUTH MOMENT, NOW I'M REALLYOVER IT.

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