Original subtitles

WHAT YOU GETTING?

>> I HAVE NO IDEA, DUDE.

>> I'M LOOKING AT THE ORGANIC

CHICKEN SANDWICH.

>> CAN WE START YOU OFF WITH A

BOTTLE OF PERRIER OR AQUAPOD?

>> ACTUALLY, WE'RE GONNA GO

WITH YOUR HOUSE FLAT.

THANK YOU.

>> SO, UH, HOW IS BRITTANY DOING

THESE DAYS?

>> SHE'S GOOD, SHE'S GOOD.

SHE'S TURNING INTO QUITE THE

FINE, YOUNG TEXTER.

UP TO 30 LOLs A MINUTE.

>> OH, IS SHE?

>> YEAH. I'M VERY PROUD.

SHE ACTUALLY HAD TO STAY HOME

FROM SCHOOL TODAY.

>> REALLY?

>> YEAH, IT'S HER -- SHE'S,

UH...

IT'S -- SHE'S HAVING CRAMPS.

>> OH, SHE ON HER PERIOD?

>> DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.

BUT YEAH, SHE'S -- IT'S HER TIME

OF THE...

YEAH.

>> MUST BE REALLY HARD ON HER

WITH THE, UH, CRAMPS, THE

BLOATING, UNCONTROLLABLE

GIGGLES.

GIGGLES. [ WOMAN LAUGHS ]

[ WOMAN LAUGHS ]

SHOW TIME.

>> HEY, BRITT-BRAT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> HEY, DADDY.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE AT HOME.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING, UH --

>> PERIOD.

>> I thought you were having

cramps.

>> I DID.

LIKE, THE WORST OF MY LIFE.

AND I FIGURED THE ONLY THING

THAT MIGHT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

WAS SOME SOUP.

SO I WAS LIKE, "HEY, KRISTIN,

WE'RE GONNA FIND SOME SOUP."

AND KRISTIN WAS LIKE, "OH, MY

GOSH, LA FONTINA HAS THE BEST

SOUP EVER.

I'M SO CALLING DEB."

>> I TOTALLY SAID THAT.

>> YEAH, AND SO HERE WE ARE.

>> WITH YOUR CREDIT CARD.

>> OH, SNAP.

>> EXCUSE ME.

YOUNG LADY, IS THAT BOTTLED

WATER?

>> OH, SNAP!

>> OF COURSE NOT.

IT'S THE HOUSE FLAT.

>> THAT'S MY GIRL.

PUT IT RIGHT THERE. BAM.

AS SOON AS YOU GUYS ARE DONE,

STRAIGHT HOME, ALL RIGHT?

>> OKAY.

>> LOVE YOU.

KRISTIN.

WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.

>> [ STAMMERING ]

I SEE YOUR LITTLE LYING ASS.

I-I SEE YOU.

IF MY MAMA WOULD HAVE EVER SEEN

ME DO WHAT SHE JUST DID TO YOU,

SHE WOULD'VE KILLED MY ASS.

>> YEAH, BUT YOUR MAMA'S THE

KILLING KIND.

IT'S ONE DAY OF HOOKY, MAN.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

KELLY'S A STRICT PARENT.

LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.

POSTED PICTURES ON THE INTERNET

WILDIN' OUT.

KID'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT LATELY,

YOU KNOW?

AND RIGHT NOW, MORE THAN A

PARENT, SHE NEEDS A FRIEND.

AT THE END OF THE DAY, SHE'S A

GOOD KID.

SHE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE TIME, A

LITTLE MATURITY.

SHE'LL COME AROUND.

>> COMPLIMENTS OF THE YOUNG

LADY.

>> SEE?

SHE'S COMING AROUND ALREADY.

>> YEAH.

GOT YOURSELF A LITTLE

GOT YOURSELF A LITTLE BOBBI KRISTINA OVER THERE.

BOBBI KRISTINA OVER THERE.

[ KNOCKING ]

>> COMING.

>> HEY.

>> HEY. >> PLEASE, COME IN.

>> PLEASE, COME IN.

OH, MY GOD!

MAGIC!

>> JOHNSON. YES, I AM.

PLEASURE IS MINE.

PLEASURE IS YOURS.

LOOK, Y'ALL GOT SOME CHICKEN,

SOME GREENS IN HERE?

A BROTHER'S HUNGRY.

>> FRIDGE IS RIGHT THERE, DUDE.

HELP YOURSELF.

HER CASA ES SU CASA.

>> WHAT UP, MAGIC?

>> YOU SURE LOOK GOOD TODAY,

TASHA.

>> SO, HOW'S RICK?

>> HAPPY.

>> UH...

>> MELANIE.

D-DID YOU CHANGE YOUR HAIR

COLOR?

THAT LOOKS SO NICE.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BABYSIT

BRITT-BRAT WHILE ME AND IRV GO

GET IN 18 HOLES WITH MJ,

SIR CHARLES, AND TIGER?

>> UH, GOD, JASON, I CAN'T.

I'M SORRY.

MY PARENTS ARE COMING IN TOWN

TONIGHT.

OH, MY GOD.

ARE YOU GOLFING WITH

TIGER WOODS?

>> OH, NO, NO, NO. NO.

TIGER JOHNSON.

IT'S MAGIC'S COUSIN.

>> LOOK AT YOU ALL TALL AND

GROWN.

>> YEAH.

I HAD MY PERIOD.

I CAN HAVE BABIES NOW.

>> BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

>> HEY, LITTLE FAST GIRL.

CAN YOU GO GET ME A SODA OR

SOMETHING?

>> [ SCOFFS ]

>> UH, ARE THOSE SHORTS OR

UNDERWEAR?

>> [ SCOFFS ]

SHORTS.

EVERYBODY'S WEARING THEM.

IT'S SAN DIEGO.

INCLUDING YOU, MA'AM.

>> SEE HOW MUCH FUN YOU GUYS ARE

HAVING?

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT CLOTHES.

IT'S GIRL STUFF. IT'S GOOD.

WE'RE GONNA TAKE OFF.

>> NO, SERIOUSLY, JASON.

I CAN'T WATCH HER.

>> MELANIE, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO

SELFISH?

THERE IS NO WAY I CAN GET A

SITTER ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

>> [ CLEARS THROAT ]

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> [ LAUGHS ] MNH.

MNH.

[ MUMBLES ]

>> I'M SORRY.

WHAT -- WHAT WAS THAT, JASON?

>> WILL YOU OR WILL YOU NOT?

>> WILL I OR WILL I NOT WHAT,

JASON?

>> BABYSIT BRITTANY.

>> OOH.

OOH!

OOH! [ LAUGHS ]

ARE YOU TRYING TO ASK MEFOR A

FAVOR, LEMON HEAD?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

TASHA, I LIKE THAT.

THAT'S WHAT I CALL HIM.

>> OH, YOU WANT TO GO THERE,

SHOWTIME?

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE PAYING THE

GREEN FEES.

>> OF COURSE.

YOU DON'T HAVE NO MONEY.

>> COME ON, TASHA.

HAVEN'T I BEEN NICE?

>> OH, REALLY?

>> COME ON. THINK OF IT AS A

FAVOR TO KELLY.

PLEASE. PLEASE.

>> HMM.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF I LOVE

KELLY MORE THAN I HATE YOU.

>> UH, HELLO?

I DON'T NEED A BABYSITTER.

I'M NOT 12 ANYMORE. I'M 13.

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA

DO?

GO OUT AND GET PREGNANT OR

SOMETHING?

OH, NO OFFENSE, TASHA.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

NOT NICE.

SEE? I GOT YOUR BACK.

[ Mouthing ] GOOD ONE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? GO AHEAD.

GO GOLFING, OKAY?

>> Yes.

>> 'CAUSE ME AND LITTLE MISS

13-YEAR-OLD RIGHT HERE, WE GONNA

HAVE OURSELVES A GOOD, OLD

GHETTO TIME.

LET'S GO.

>> UH, MAGIC?

>> YEAH?

>> I LOVE YOU. BIG FAN.

BUT YOU'RE EATING A LOT OF THOSE

GRAPES.

I SAVED THEM FOR MY DAD.

THEY'RE HIS FAVORITE.

>> OH, IT'S LIKE THAT, HUH?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAN HAVE YOUR GRAPES.

WE OUT.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

>> MY PARENTS WILL BE HERE ANY

MINUTE.

AREN'T YOU EXCITED?!

>> EXCITED.

>> OH, COME ON, DERWIN.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOME FUN.

>> FUN.

>> LOOK, I KNOW SOME THINGS

BETWEEN YOU GUYS STARTED OFF

KIND OF ROUGH.

>> ROUGH?

>> DERWIN, STOP HIGH-PITCHED

SAYING EVERYTHING.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

OOH, OOH.

THAT MUST BE THEM.

OKAY, COME HERE, COME HERE, COME

HERE.

JUST RELAX, OKAY?

SOMETHING TELLS ME THINGS ARE

GONNA BE DIFFERENT FROM HERE ON

OUT.

GIVE ME A KISS.

MM. JUST TRUST ME, OKAY?

[ GASPS ] MOMMY!

>> AH, HI! [ LAUGHS ]

>> HI! [ LAUGHS ]

OH, MY GOD! YOU LOOK SO PRETTY!

>> THANK YOU.

>> HI, DADDY.

>> OH, SWEETHEART.

[ LAUGHS ]

>> HELLO, DR. AND MRS. BARNETT.

WELCOME.

>> GET OVER HERE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO.

I'VE MISSED YOU! OH!

>> AH, DERWIN, LOOKING GOOD.

I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR

THOSE NBA FINALS TICKETS.

>> OH, UH, YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR.

>> ME AND MY BUDDIES SAT RIGHT

NEXT TO THE TALENTED WAHLBERG.

>> OH, MY GOD.

YOU SAT NEXT TO DONNIE?

>> YES, SWEETHEART.

THE TALENTED ONE.

>> AND THANK YOU FOR MAKING THAT

HUGE CONTRIBUTION TO MY

GREENPEACE FUNDRAISER.

I WAS THE LARGEST CONTRIBUTOR

AND THE ENVY OF ALL MY PEERS.

>> NICE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> YEAH, DON'T MENTION IT,

MRS. BARNETT.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE FAMILY NOW, YOU

KNOW.

UH, BUT, IF YOU CAN JUST

REFRESH, UH, MY MEMORY.

JUST HOW HUGE WAS THAT

CONTRIBUTION AGAIN?

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN?

COME ON, MOM. LET'S GO.

COME ON, DAD.

>> WOKE UP THIS MORNING, CHILD,

LOOKED LIKE MY HAIR HAD A

STROKE.

>> UNH-UNH.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING

DOWN HERE.

>> THANK YOU FOR GETTING ME OUT

OF RICHMOND FOR THE DAY.

YOU KNOW, THEY DROPPING LIKE

FLIES.

>> MM.

HEY. LITTLE GIRL.

ARIKE, GO TAP THAT LITTLE GIRL

FOR ME.

>> HEY, BOO-BOO.

>> WHAT YOU DOING?

YOU AWFULLY QUIET OVER THERE.

WHAT YOU DOING?

YOU AIN'T LOOKING AT NONE OF MY

ADULT FILMS, ARE YOU?

>> NO. GROSS.

I JUST DOWNLOADED A MOVIE.

"TWILIGHT." ALL OF THEM.

PLUS THE SOUNDTRACK AND THE

BOOKS.

OOH, I WONDER IF THEY HAVE APPS.

>> $200 WORTH OF DOWNLOADS ON MY

ACCOUNT FOR SOME DAMN VAMPIRE

MOVIES?!

>> YOU'VE GOT MONEY.

OR IS THIS ALL PUBLIC

ASSISTANCE?

>> MM-HMM, SEE NO WONDER YOUR

MOTHER LEFT YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

GO GET THE BIBLE.

GO ON. GO GET MY BIBLE.

IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE ON THE BAR

NEXT TO THE HENNESSY AND MY

NEXT TO THE HENNESSY AND MY DOMINOES.

DOMINOES.

MNH-MNH. THAT'S FOR YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA SIT RIGHT HERE AND

YOU GONNA READ SOME OF THEM

PASSAGES.

>> A LOT OF THESE ARE BLACKED

OUT.

>> WELL, THEN I OBVIOUSLY WASN'T

FEELING THEM.

SEE, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH

THESE KIDS TODAY, GIRL.

THEY AIN'T GOT NOBODY TO TELL

THEM RIGHT FROM WRONG.

VAMPIRES, WEREWOLVES,

LINDSAY LOHAN.

>> UNCLE MALIK.

>> OKAY, YOU GOT JOKES, HUH?

>> MM-HMM.

>> ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU KNOW

WHAT?

I GOT SOME CHORES FOR YOU TO DO.

OH, YEAH.

WE GOT SOME PEAS THAT NEED

SNAPPING, SOME SHEETS THAT NEED

IRONING, AND SOME JET MAGAZINE

TO BE ORGANIZED.

I'VE FALLEN BEHIND.

>> I'M NOT YOUR MAID.

>> NO, A MAID GETS PAID.

THE TERM YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS

"SLAVE."

MOVE YOUR ASS KIZZY.

GO MOVE YOUR ASS MISSY.

MM-HMM.

I'M GONNA PUT THIS HEIFE IN

CHECK, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

CHECK, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. >> TAKE YOUR TIME.

>> TAKE YOUR TIME.

>> IT'S BRAISED LAMB WITH PEA

PUREE.

I GOT THE RECIPE FROM ONE OF THE

GUYS ON "TOP CHEF."

OR WAS IT A GIRL?

UGH, I'M SO OVER THIS MOJAVE

THING.

>> OH, ME, TOO.

>> SO, DERWIN, TEO, DOES HE

REALLY HAVE ALL THOSE MUSCLES OR

IS IT A COSTUME?

>> UH... [ CHUCKLES ]

I'M PRETTY SURE THOSE ARE HIS,

DR. BARNETT.

>> PLEASE, CALL ME DAD.

>> AND THAT GOES FOR ME, TOO.

>> OKAY, DAD.

AND DAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> SO, MOM, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE

MY SCONCES?

>> HUH? MMM.

>> I HAD THEM IMPORTED FROM THE

CZECH REPUBLIC.

>> OH. WOW.

>> PRAGUE.

>> OH, NICE.

>> SO, DERWIN, BACK TO TEO.

NOW, DOES HE -- LOOK, I'M SORRY,

EVERYONE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FORGIVE ALL

MY TEO QUESTIONS.

HE'S SORT OF MY GUY CRUSH.

OH, COME ON.

EVERYBODY HAS ONE.

>> YOU?

>> DENNIS HAYSBERT.

>> GOOD ONE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I MADE THE GNOCCHI FROM

SCRATCH.

>> AND WHAT A DELICIOUS GNOCCHI

IT IS, SWEETHEART, LOOK.

>> OH, OH, HONEY, GO BE A GOOD

WIFE AND GET YOUR HUSBAND SOME

MORE FOOD.

>> WHY? HE HAS TWO LEGS.

>> TWO LEGS THAT MAKE MILLIONS.

>> SO, DERWIN, TELL ME, WHEN DO

WE GET TO MEET THAT ADORABLE

STEP-GRANDSON OF OURS?

>> UH, DERWIN JR.

>> YEAH.

>> AH, THAT'S MY HEART.

>> OH, SWEETIE.

>> YEAH, YOU SHOULD SEE HIM WHEN

HE COMES OVER.

HE HAS THIS TRUCK, AND HE'LL

RIDE HIS TRUCK AND THEN HE'LL GO

BITE MELANIE'S ANKLES.

>> DOES SHE LOVE IT?

>> YEAH.

>> THANK YOU, CHILD.

>> MM-HMM.

>> 50 AND HAVING A BABY.

>> HERE'S YOUR TEA.

TWO SPLENDAS, ONE ICE CUBE.

>> OKAY. SET IT DOWN.

UH, UH, OOH!

USE A COASTER.

THANK YOU.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME, WHO?

>> YOU'RE WELCOME, MADEMOISELLE.

>> YES.

>> DAMN YOU'RE GONNA STRAIGHTEN

HER OUT LIKE I STRAIGHTENED YOUR

HAIR.

>> MM-HMM, GIRL, TASHA MACK

DON'T PLAY WHEN IT COMES TO

THESE KIDS.

>> CHECK THAT OUT.

>> OH!

OH, SNAP, LOOK AT THAT.

TASHA MICKITY MACK IS IN THE

BUILDING!

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

RIGHT THERE, BABY.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S FIRE RIGHT

THERE NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

GIRL, GO GET ME A CAMERA 'CAUSE

I'M ABOUT TO MAKE A SEX TAPE

BY MY DAMN SELF.

>> SO SILLY.

>> OOH, THAT'S HOT.

THANK YOU, ARIKE.

>> YOU'RE WELCOME.

I'M GLAD YOU LIKE IT.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, GIRL.

>> MM.

>> MM. HERE YOU GO, HONEY.

>> THANK YOU.

AND I'LL BE BACK IN TWO WEEKS TO

TIGHTEN UP THOSE TRICKITY

TRICKITY TRACKS.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> ALL RIGHT, BABY.

>> LET ME GRAB MY BAG.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> BRITTANY!

BRITTANY WHATEVER THE HELL

YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS PITTS, GET

YOUR NARROW TAIL IN HERE!

>> IS THERE A PROBLEM?

>> YOU GOT TWO SECONDS TO GIVE

ME BACK WHAT YOU TOOK FROM MY

PURSE.

>> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT.

>> LOOKIE HERE, THAT'S SO RAVEN,

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR

ANTICS, OKAY?

NOW, LITTLE GIRL, YOU KNOW GOOD

DOG DAMN WELL WHAT THE HELL YOU

TOOK OUT OF MY PURSE.

NOW, EITHER YOU GIVE ME BACK MY

STUFF OR YOU GONNA GET THE

SWITCH.

>> THE SWITCH?

>> MM-HMM.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

IS THAT SOME KIND OF WEIRD JAIL

SLANG?

>> NO.

IT'S UNDERGROUND-RAILROAD SLANG

FOR "BRANCH USED TO WHOOP LITTLE

HIGH YELLOW THIEVING ASSES."

NOW GOT GET THE SWITCH.

NOW!

>> HONEY, SHOW DERWIN HOW YOU'VE

BEEN PRACTICING HIS DANCE.

>> NO!

DAD, YOU CAN DO THE D-DUB?

>> WELL...

>> YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SHOW US

NOW.

COME ON! SHOW US!

LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

>> YES, HE CAN.

>> GO, DOCTOR.

GO, DOCTOR.

DR. BARNETT, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!

CUT A RUG NOW.

DO THE SPIN, DO THE SPIN, DO THE

SPIN ON IT.

OH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY MAN.

>> UH, YOU KNOW, DAD, I HATE TO

INTERRUPT THIS LITTLE

DANCE-A-THON, BUT, UH, WE TALK

ABOUT FOOTBALL ALMOST 24/7, AND

IT'S GETTING A LITTLE OLD.

YOU HAVEN'T ASKED ME ANYTHING

ABOUT WHAT I'M DOING.

>> OH, I'M SORRY, HONEY.

OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> WELL, I WAS RECENTLY ELECTED

THE PRESIDENT OF THE SUNBEAMS.

>> WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

PRESIDENT OF THE SUNBEAMS.

OUR DAUGHTER IS PRESIDENT OF THE

SUNBEAMS.

EXACTLY WHAT ARE SUNBEAMS?

>> ONLY THE BACKBONE OF THE

SABERS.

>> OH, SO THEY'RE AFFILIATED

WITH THE TEAM.

THAT'S LOVELY.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I GET IT. I GET IT.

DERWIN'S THE FOOTBALL SUPERSTAR

AND I'M JUST THE BORING

HOUSEWIFE THAT NEVER PRACTICED

MEDICINE.

OH, NOTHING INTERESTING ABOUT

THAT.

>> NO, NO, HONEY.

NO ONE'S SAYING THAT.

>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO, DAD.

IT'S CLEAR.

SINCE THERE'S SO LITTLE GOING ON

IN MY LIFE, I'LL JUST LEAVE SO

YOU GUYS CAN GET BACK TO YOUR

PRECIOUS DOUBLE-D DANCE-A-THON.

>> Both: D-DUB.

>> WHATEVER.

OH, AND, UH, FOR THE RECORD,

D-DUB DIDN'T BUY ANY OF THOSE

THINGS HE'S SAYING HE DID.

IT WAS ALL ME!

IT WAS ALL ME! DR. MELANIE BARNETT-DAVIS.

DR. MELANIE BARNETT-DAVIS.

>> NO, IT'S OKAY.

YOU CAN COME OUT.

YEAH, DADDY'S HERE.

YEAH.

ARE YOU CRAZY?!

YOU'RE THREATENING TO SPANK MY

KID?

>> AIN'T NOBODY THREATENING

NOBODY, OKAY?

I'VE BEEN WHITTLING THIS BRANCH

FOR TWO HOURS.

SOMEBODY GONNA GET A SWITCH TO

THEIR ASS.

>> DAD, OH, MY GOD, YOU LEFT ME

WITH MADEA.

>> YOU LOOK, SHE STOLE SOMETHING

IMPORTANT FROM ME.

>> LOOK, WHAT -- WHAT -- WHAT DO

YOU THINK SHE STOLE?

>> HER WEED, DAD.

SHE THINKS I STOLE HER WEED.

SHE'S ON DRUGS, AND SHE'S

TOTALLY HAVING WITHDRAWALS.

I MEAN, SHE WAS, LIKE, TAPPING

AND SCRATCHING AND STUFF.

>> YOU HAD WEED AROUND MY KID?

>> LOOK, IT'S FOR MEDICINAL

PURPOSES, SEE?

>> YOU ARE SO OUT OF LINE FOR

THIS.

I SWEAR, IF I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D

BE RIGHT AT HOME, I'D BE SENDING

YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW.

>> JASON, I'M TELLING YOU, SHE

THE ONE THAT'S OUT OF LINE!

THAT CHILD NEED A WHOOPING HARD!

>> I DON'T WHOOP MY CHILD.

THIS CONVERSATION, MUCH LIKE THE

RELEVANCE OF THAT RIDICULOUS

HAIRSTYLE, IS OVER.

>> JASON, YOU CAN'T SEE THAT SHE

LYING?

>> OH, I'M GONNA TAKE SOME

POTHEAD'S WORD OVER MY OWN

DAUGHTER'S? POTHEAD.

>> I'M NOT A POTHEAD!

>> POTHEAD.

>> I AIN'T NO POTHEAD, OKAY?!

IT'S MEDICINAL!

IT'S FOR MY NERVES!

I GOT SHAKY NERVES.

DAMN IT.

I NEED MY WEED.

I NEED MY WEED -- OW!

I NEED MY WEED -- OW! I NEED IT!

I NEED IT!

>> I'M -- I'M OKAY NOT

PRACTICING MEDICINE, YOU KNOW?

>> I KNOW YOU ARE.

>> I MEAN, SURE, THERE ARE TIMES

WHEN I'M UP LATE WATCHING RERUNS

OF "E.R." AND I'M THINKING,

"THAT IS NOT RIGHT AT ALL.

THAT PATIENT SHOULD TOTALLY BE

DEAD, AND IT'S ALL

ERIQ LA SALLE'S FAULT."

[ CHUCKLES ]

BUT THEN I REMEMBER THINKING

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING THAT I

LOVE MORE THAN MEDICINE, AND

THAT'S DERWIN.

AND I AM COMPLETELY COMMITTED TO

MY MARRIAGE.

>> I KNOW YOU ARE.

I GAVE UP A DREAM IN ORDER TO

SUPPORT MY MAN.

BEFORE I MET YOUR FATHER, I

DREAMED OF BEING A FAMOUS OPERA

SINGER.

>> OH, MY GOD.

YOU? AN OPERA SINGER?

MOTHER, I'VE HEARD YOUR VOICE.

IT'S AWFUL.

>> WELL, I SAID IT WAS A DREAM,

DIDN'T I?

>> I'M JUST KIDDING.

>> YOU KNOW, I GUESS IN SOME

WEIRD WAY, I THOUGHT THAT IF YOU

FOLLOWED IN DAD'S FOOTSTEPS,

THEN I WOULD HAVE HELPED YOU

ACHIEVE YOUR DREAM, TOO.

>> [ SIGHS ]

BUT SEE? THAT'S JUST IT, MOTHER.

I MEAN, YEAH, OF -- OF COURSE

I'VE ALWAYS DREAMT OF GETTING

MARRIED.

AND SURE, I'VE EVEN DREAMT OF

MARRYING DERWIN.

BUT WHERE WE ARE NOW AND WHERE

HE'S GOING, I-I COULD HAVE NEVER

DREAMT THIS BIG.

SORRY. [ CHUCKLES ]

I, UM...

I SEE ALL THAT HE CAN BE, AND I

SO WANT TO HELP HIM GET THERE.

SO, NOW...

MY JOB IS TO HELP BUILD HIS

CAREER AND THIS FAMILY.

OUR LEGACY.

>> WAIT A MINUTE.

FAMILY?

IS SOMEBODY HAVING A BABY?

>> UM...

YEAH, WELL, SOON --

>> YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE HOW

BEAUTIFUL THE SABER FIELD IS.

>> CHARLES, HUSH, HUSH.

OUR BABY IS HAVING A BABY!

>> WHAT?!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> DON'T YOU DARE STEAL THIS

MOMENT.

>> OH, MY GOSH!

>> SO WHAT IF HE'S GAY?

HE'S A VAMPIRE.

YEAH, WELL, I'D STILL MAKE OUT

WITH HIM.

OH, HEY, CAN I CALL YOU BACK?

OKAY. BYE.

[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]

>> LOOK, UM, I'VE BEEN THINKING

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER

TODAY, AND I'M SORRY.

THAT WAS -- I NEVER SHOULD HAVE

LEFT YOU WITH THAT CRAZY LADY.

>> HOW COULD YOU HAVE KNOWN SHE

WAS ON DRUGS?

I MEAN, THE SIGNS WERE THERE,

BUT I'M SURE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO

PROFILE HER.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S NOT JUST THAT, BRITT.

I...

LOOK, I KNOW THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN

EASY FOR YOU LATELY WITH

EVERYTHING GOING ON WITH ME AND

YOUR MOM, AND...

I KNOW THAT I HAVEN'T MADE ALL

THE RIGHT DECISIONS, BUT I JUST,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE'RE

GONNA GET THROUGH THIS, OKAY?

>> HUH?

YEAH. DIVORCE, HARD, WE'LL GET

THROUGH THIS.

THAT'S GREAT.

UM, CAN WE PLEASE SPEED THIS UP

A LITTLE?

BECAUSE I HAVE TO MEET KRISTIN

AT THE MALL.

>> YOU KNOW, WE JUST HAD A

PRETTY TRAUMATIC DAY.

THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING YOU

WANT TO SAY ABOUT IT.

>> HMM...

NOPE. NOTHING. OKAY.

LOVE YOU, DADDY.

I'LL TRY TO BE BACK BEFORE

KIMMEL.

DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

>> OH, I'M NOT YOUR DUDE.

I'M YOUR DAD.

>> LET GO OF MY PURSE.

>> LET GO, BRITTANY.

>> THAT -- YOU CANNOT GO THROUGH

MY PURSE LIKE THAT.

MY PURSE LIKE THAT. >> WATCH ME. WATCH ME.

>> WATCH ME. WATCH ME.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

>> OH, MY GOD.

IS THAT WEED?

I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT THAT THAT

WAS INCENSE OR SOME CRAZY VOODOO

SAGE.

>> OH, STOP.

STOP WITH THE B.S., BRITTANY.

>> FINE. I'M BUSTED. WHATEVER.

BUT I'M NOT ON DRUGS.

I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

I WAS JUST GONNA GIVE IT TO DEB

TO SELL FOR A PROFIT.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAD ME

DEFENDING YOU!

>> WELL, EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO

COPE WITH HAVING DIVORCED

PARENTS.

>> SIT DOWN.

>> NO.

>> BRITTANY, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN

>> BRITTANY, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT NOW.

NOW, I KNOW YOUR MOM AND I ARE

TWO PRETTY SCREWED UP

INDIVIDUALS.

THAT'S TRUE.

BUT WE HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING

EVER TO MAKE YOU THINK THAT THIS

WAS OKAY.

>> SO, WHAT, DAD?

YOU GONNA PAWN ME OFF TO SOMEONE

ELSE NOW?

SEND ME TO GRANDMA'S HOUSE OR

SOMETHING SO YOU CAN CONTINUE

WITH YOUR CUSHY LIFE JUST LIKE

MOM?

>> NOPE. NOPE.

ONLY THING LEAVING THIS HOUSE

ARE THESE SKANKY-ASS CLOTHES.

HERE, PUT THESE ON.

I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M GONNA

HAVE YOU TRAIPSING AROUND HERE

LOOKING LIKE SOME VIDEO.

NOT ON MY WATCH.

FROM NOW ON, WE'RE GONNA BE

JOINED AT THE HIP LIKE SIAMESE

TWINS.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE OR

DOING ANYTHING WITHOUT ME.

>> YEAH, LIKE YOU CAN REALLY

LAST 24/7 WITH ME.

WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU HAVE TO

SLEEP?

WHAT ABOUT YOUR JOB?

WHAT ABOUT YOUR JOB? WHAT ABOUT GOLF, DAD?

WHAT ABOUT GOLF, DAD?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> CHRIS, IT'S PITTS.

YEAH, LOOK, MAN, THANKS FOR THE

OPPORTUNITY, BUT I QUIT THE

SHOW.

YEAH, NO. NO, NO.

I'M DEAD SERIOUS.

NO, I DIDN'T STAB MY EX-WIFE.

LOOK...

I GOT ANOTHER JOB THAT I HAVE TO

TEND TO RIGHT NOW.

YEAH.

>> DAD...

>> WE'LL TALK IN THE MORNING.

>> DAD. PLEASE.

>> DAD. PLEASE. DAD.

DAD.

>> NOW, ROSA, YOU HIT THAT LAST

PIN, I'M GONNA FLY ALL YOUR KIDS

IN FROM GUATEMALA.

MA?

>> MALIK.

>> WHAT YOU DOING HERE?

>> I'M NOT SPARING THE ROD.

>> YOU'RE NOT DOING WHAT?

>> HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD

>> HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU I'M NOT GOING TO REHAB?

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0