Original subtitles

>> I'M TELLING YOU, MO, UH...

[ SIGHS ]

BEFORE I WENT TO REHAB, I WAS

JUST DROWNING IN A SEA OF

MISERY AND -- AND SELF-DOUBT.

I'M SORRY.

WHEN I LASHED OUT AT THAT COP,

I WAS REALLY JUST LASHING OUT

AT MYSELF.

>> YOU KNOW, BROTHER, THE ONE

THING WE DIG ABOUT

"THE MO'NIQUE SHOW" IS THERE'S

NO JUDGMENTS ON, BABY.

AND IT IS NOT UNCOMFORTABLE

FOR US THAT THIS BROTHER IS

WILLING TO CONFRONT HIS DEMONS.

WE APPLAUD THAT.

WE'RE NOT JUDGING YOU.

WE WANT YOU TO KEEP ON GOING,

BABY.

YOU KEEP ON GOING, MALIK.

NOW, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,

BABY, AND KEEP IT ON GOING.

WHERE DOES THE $80-MILLION MAN

GO FROM HERE?

>> I'M JUST DOING WHAT I NEED TO

DO FOR MY PROBATION RIGHT NOW,

AND AS SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE

HEARD, I AM ACTUALLY IN TALKS

WITH ALFONSO RIBEIRO TO STAR IN

MY OWN MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE ABOUT

MY LIFE.

>> OKAY.

>> MM-HMM.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> YOU KNOW, YOU DONE BEEN

HANGING OUT WITH THE SUPERMODEL

MISS JENNA RICE.

WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME TO

MASTER YOUR CRAFT AND THEN TO

DATE A SUPERMODEL LIKE

JENNA RICE?

>> WELL, WHEN YOU'VE GOT A

WOMAN AS INCREDIBLE AS JENNA,

YOU MAKE THE TIME, MO, I'M

TELLING YOU.

AS A MATTER OF FACT -- JENNA?

JENNA? BABY?

JENNA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S MY BABY, Y'ALL.

THAT'S MY BABY.

>> I HEARD THAT.

IS IT LOVE?

>> I'M IN LOVE.

>> WHAT DOES BEING IN LOVE,

MALIK, FEEL LIKE?

>> OH, MY GOD.

IT'S AMAZING.

IT'S AMAZING.

IT'S THE BEST THING I'VE EVER

FELT.

MO, I'M TELLING YOU, I'VE

ALLOWED MYSELF TO JUST RELEASE,

SETTLE INTO LIFE.

I FOUND LOVE.

I FOUND TRUE LOVE.

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND SHOUT

IT TO THE WHOLE WORLD, Y'ALL.

>> DO IT. SCREAM IT.

>> WHOO!

I'M IN LOVE, BABY!

I'M IN LOVE!

>> HEY!

IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASS DOWN!

GET DOWN, GET DOWN, GET DOWN,

BOY. WE'RE GOING TO BREAK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. DON'T Y'ALL GO NOWHERE.

DON'T Y'ALL GO NOWHERE.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. LOOK.

>> REALLY?

>> YOU GOT SOMETHING ON YOUR

CHEEK.

>> OKAY.

>> COME HERE. LET ME GET IT.

[ SMOOCH ]

>> DUDE, BEHAVE.

>> COME ON, NOW.

>> ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO AND

CLEAN MYSELF UP.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

>> MM-HMM.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

SEE YOU.

SEE YOU. >> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

PARKER.

>> HEY.

>> HOW'S IT GOING?

>> OBVIOUSLY NOT AS GOOD AS IT'S

GOING FOR YOU.

YOU'RE GLOWING.

MUST BE YOUR NEW SUPERMODEL

GIRLFRIEND.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S EVEN HOTTER IN

PERSON THAN SHE IS ON A

"SPORTS ILLUSTRATED" COVER,

OR HER DEBUT ON

"THE MO'NIQUE SHOW."

>> YOU SAW THAT?

>> I DID.

MAYBE WE SHOULD, UM, INVITE

HER TO JOIN SOME OF OUR

FESTIVITIES.

>> OKAY, LISTEN.

I RECENTLY WENT THROUGH A BUNCH

OF LIFE CHANGES, AND I'M JUST

NOT IN THAT MENTAL PLACE

ANYMORE, OKAY?

>> HMM.

YOU KNOW, I COULD CARE LESS

ABOUT YOUR MENTAL PLACE.

JUST MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THAT

RIDICULOUS BODY OVER MY PLACE

TONIGHT.

I HAVEN'T WAXED IN A MONTH.

I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THAT.

>> OKAY, PARKER.

YOU'RE AN AWESOME WOMAN, AND I

DO APPRECIATE EVERYTHING THAT

YOU CAN DO WITHOUT YOUR TONSILS.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

OR WITHOUT MY UTERUS.

NO PREGNANCY SCARES...EVER.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, AND I DO LOVE THAT, TOO.

>> MM-HMM.

>> BUT, PARKER, I CAN'T GET DOWN

ANYMORE.

AND AS A WISE CHICKEN-PUSHING

MAN ONCE SAID, THE HEART WANTS

WHAT THE HEART WANTS.

AND MY HEART WANTS JENNA.

SO STAY UP, ALL RIGHT?

>> [ SCOFFS ]

>> OH, YEAH.

NORMALLY THAT'S MY EXIT LINE,

BUT THIS IS MY V.I.P. SECTION,

AND I ORDERED THE POPCORN

SHRIMP, SO I CAN'T LEAVE.

SO STAY UP.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

>> [ SCOFFS ] OKAY.

OKAY.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

>> OH, LOOK.

ANOTHER LETTER FROM PRISON.

OKAY, I'M TELLING YOU, THEM

FEMALE INMATES, THEY LOVE MALIK.

>> MALE INMATES, TOO, GIRL.

THIS ONE IS FROM THE SAN DIEGO

SERIAL STABBER.

>> IS THAT STEVIE?

>> MM-HMM.

>> GIRL, HE IS SO LOYAL, OKAY?

HIM AND MALIK, THEY'VE BEEN

PEN PALS FOR LIKE FIVE YEARS

NOW.

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT NOBODY

SAY, THERE'S A GOOD MAN RIGHT

HERE.

>> OH, MY GOD -- ANOTHER NAKED

PHOTO TO DERWIN.

THIS IS LIKE THE TENTH ONE.

AND ANOTHER PAIR OF PANTIES.

>> PUT THEM IN THE PANTY PILE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I REMEMBER WHEN ALL OF DERWIN'S

FAN MAIL CONSISTED OF LETTERS

FROM KIDS AND BUNDT CAKES FROM

GRANDMAS.

>> WELL, THE GRANDMAS STILL

LIKE HIM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> LOOK, I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S

THE CROSSOVER.

LITTLE DERWIN DAVIS, HE'S A

SUPERSTAR NOW, OKAY?

SO DON'T BE KNOCKING ALL THE

PANTIES AND THE NAKED PHOTOS,

ALL RIGHT?

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT'S PAYING FOR

ALL OF THIS.

>> OH, WELL, EASY FOR YOU TO

SAY.

YOU'RE DATING A FREAKIN'

TODDLER.

THE ONLY WOMAN YOU HAVE TO

COMPETE WITH IS DORA THE

EXPLORER.

>> OOH, OOH.

>> HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

>> OKAY.

>> GIRL...

MY MOUTH WAS OPEN.

>> LISTEN, Y'ALL.

"DEAREST JUICY JAVON...

I WANT YOU TO PUNISH ME AND

TREAT ME LIKE THE LITTLE FILTHY

FREAK I AM."

>> OOH.

>> OH, MY GOD, JAZZ.

I AM SO SORRY.

>> GIRL, I DON'T CARE ABOUT NO

GROUPIES AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU.

AS LONG AS WE SATISFY OUR MEN

IN BED, [SCOFFS] WE GOOD.

>> MM.

>> YOU GOOD, RIGHT?

>> UH, [CHUCKLES] OF COURSE.

I GIVE DERWIN SEX REGULARLY.

>> REGULARLY, HUH?

Y'ALL USE TOYS?

WHAT ABOUT THREESOMES?

MEN LOVE THREESOMES.

>> MM.

>> NOTHING MAKES A MAN FEEL MORE

SPECIAL THAN FOUR TA-TAS.

>> OH!

>> TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA-TA!

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> I DON'T NEED ANOTHER WOMAN

IN BED WITH ME TO PLEASE MY MAN.

THANK YOU.

I AM A GREAT LOVER.

>> HMM.

>> I'M A GOOD LOVER.

>> MM-HMM.

>> I'M A SOLID LOVER.

I'M DEFINITELY SOLID.

>> REAL REGULAR, HUH?

ALL THE EXCITEMENT OF A FIBER

COMMERCIAL.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]

>> ALL RIGHT, MAN.

WHAT UP, WIFE?

>> HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> OH, I JUST GOT OFF THE

ELEVATOR.

O.M.G.

DID YOU SEE THAT GAME, MEL?

>> DID I.

MR. FOUR TOUCHDOWNS.

IT WAS ALL OVER THE NEWS.

MY BABY'S ON FIRE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> I KNOW 73 OTHER POSITIONS.

READY?

>> WHOA.

I MEAN, NO, I AM GOOD.

>> WAIT, DERWIN.

WHO WAS THAT?

>> OKAY, BOO, JUST SO WE'RE

CLEAR.

I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH YOU WHEN

I WALKED INTO THE ROOM.

NOW, IN MY ROOM IS A GYMNAST

IN LINGERIE DOING SPLITS.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I GET IT, I GET IT.

OKAY, YOU'RE INNOCENT.

PUT ME ON SPEAKERPHONE.

HEY, YOU -- YOU FLEXIBLE GARDEN

TOOL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY

HUSBAND'S HOTEL ROOM?

>> UM, I DON'T KNOW.

I WAS HOPING TO SURPRISE HIM,

I GUESS.

>> YEAH, WELL, NICE SURPRISE.

IT'S TIME TO GET OUT.

CHOP, CHOP, CHOP -- OUT.

>> YEAH, YOU HEARD MY WIFE.

OUT!

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF

YOURSELF.

>> ASHLEY.

>> THANK YOU FOR SUPPORT,

ASHLEY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> DERWIN!

>> YEAH, UH, WHAT?

SHE'S GONE.

OH, UH, YEAH.

MY BAD, MEL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

SO, WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT ELSE

IS GOING ON?

THERE WAS JUST SOME HALF-NAKED

LIMBER SKANKAZOID WAITING FOR

YOU IN YOUR HOTEL BED.

>> YEAH, I KNOW.

I MEAN, IT HAPPENS.

>> WHAT?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "IT HAPPENS"?

HAS THIS HAPPENED BEFORE?

>> MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE OR SEVEN

TIMES.

BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

[ LAUGHS ]

COME ON, MEL.

I'M AN ATHLETE.

GROUPIES COME WITH THE

TERRITORY.

>> I MEAN, ARE YOU TEMPTED BY

ALL THESE NAKED GROUPIES OR

THEIR DIRTY FAN LETTERS?

>> WHAT?

COME ON, MEL. I'M A GUY.

I MEAN, SURE, YOU'RE TEMPTED.

BUT, LISTEN.

AT THE END OF THE DAY, I LOVE

YOU, AND THAT'S ALL THAT

MATTERS.

COME ON, FORGET ABOUT HER,

ALL RIGHT?

LET'S HAVE SOME SKYPE SEX.

I'LL BOOT UP THE COMPUTER,

AND YOU CAN SHOW ME YOUR BOOB.

>> NO.

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

[ SIGHS ]

LOOK, I'LL JUST CALL YOU LATER.

[ SIGHS ]

>> YO, LIK.

>> YO, KENTUCKY.

>> LUCKY DOG!

>> SO, ARE WE GONNA BE HITTING

UP THAT STRIP JOINT TONIGHT,

MAN?

>> NAH, MAN.

I'M GONNA GO IN HERE AND SKYPE

MY BABY JENNA, MAYBE WATCH A

LITTLE "FAMILY GUY."

YOU KNOW I LOVE TALKING BABIES.

>> REALLY?

WHO AM I TALKING TO?

>> Y'ALL BE SAFE OUT THERE

TONIGHT, MAN.

>> ALL RIGHT, BUDDY.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> COME HERE SO I CAN SMACK

>> COME HERE SO I CAN SMACK THAT ASS.

THAT ASS.

>> SO, UH, DID ANYONE SEE YOU

COME IN?

>> GIRL, PLEASE.

MY CAR AIN'T GOT NO PLACE.

GIRL, WHAT YOU CALL ME DOWN HERE

FOR, ANYWAY?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'M MISSING

"TO CATCH A PREDATOR."

>> OKAY, UH, WELL, REMEMBER ALL

THAT TALK WE HAD ABOUT SPICING

THINGS UP IN THE BEDROOM?

>> YEAH.

>> WELL, DERWIN'S COMING HOME

TOMORROW, AND I'VE BEEN THINKING

MAYBE IT WOULDN'T BE SUCH A BAD

IDEA TO OPEN UP OUR MINDS AND

OUR BEDROOM TO SOME NEW THINGS.

>> AHH.

>> OR PEOPLE.

>> [ Chuckling ] WAIT A MINUTE,

WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU ASKING ME TO GET BUFF

WITH YOU AND "D"?

THAT IS SO SWEET.

AND YOU'RE CUTE.

BUT I CAN'T.

ME AND JAVON, WE'RE TRYING TO GO

THE DISTANCE, GIRL.

>> WHAT?

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT A

MéNAGE à TROIS FOR ME AND

DERWIN AND SOMEONE OTHER THAN

YOU.

>> OH.

WHY YOU JUST DIDN'T SAY THAT?

SHOOT.

I CAN HOOK UP A THREESOME FOR

YOU AND DERWIN WITH MY EYES

CLOSED.

>> [ SIGHS ] OH, MY GOD.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

BUT PLEASE DO ME A FAVOR.

DO NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS.

>> RELAX, MELANIE.

I AM VERY DISCREET.

ASK DERWIN.

>> OKAY, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR.

THAT'LL BE THE LAST TIME YOU

MENTION THAT YOU USED TO DO MY

MAN.

>> AND SO THAT WE'RE VERY CLEAR.

NO, IT AIN'T.

>> SO, UM, DID JAVON MENTION TO

YOU THAT YOUR BABY LOOKS LIKE

THE SECOND-STRING KICKER?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> PARKER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

DOING IN MY ROOM?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU?

I DON'T GET DOWN LIKE THAT

NO MORE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

COME ON, MALIK.

YOU KNOW I'M NOT THE KIND OF

GIRL WHO TAKES NO FOR AN ANSWER.

BESIDES, I KNOW THE ONLY REASON

THAT YOU WERE SAYING THAT IS

BECAUSE YOUR PRETTY LITTLE

SUPERMODEL WAS HOVERING AROUND.

DON'T WORRY.

I WON'T TELL.

>> LOOK, PARKER.

I'M A CHANGED MAN, CHICK.

>> OKAY. [ LAUGHS ]

>> PARKER, YO, LOOK.

I'M SERIOUS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU NEED TO BOUNCE.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

[ SCOFFS ]

YOU MUST HAVE FORGOT THAT I

WAS THE ONE WHO SAVED YOUR

ASS.

IF IT WASN'T FOR ME CONVINCING

YOU TO GO TO REHAB, YOU WOULDN'T

BE ON THE SABERS AND YOU'D BE

IN JAIL.

[ SCOFFS ]

WOW.

IS THAT REALLY HOW YOU TREAT THE

ONE PERSON WHO REALLY HAD YOUR

BACK?

>> [ SCOFFS ]

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DID.

>> THANK YOU.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

DON'T GET IT TWISTED.

I DON'T OWE YOU CRAP.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

WOW.

[ SIGHS ]

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

>> HMM?

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> I JUST THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD

CALL MY HUSBAND AND TELL HIM

WHAT WE'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE

LAST FEW MONTHS.

>> OKAY, YO.

YOU GOT TO DO WHAT YOU GOT TO

DO, RIGHT?

BUT KEEP IN MIND WHEN YOU TALK

TO YOUR HUSBAND, AND YOU TELL

HIM ABOUT US, HE'S PROBABLY

GONNA DIVORCE YOU.

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT CUSHY

LITTLE PRENUP YOU GOT HAS A

CLAUSE IN IT ABOUT INFIDELITY,

WHICH MEANS YOU GET NOTHING.

AM I RIGHT?

EXACTLY.

[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

SO DO ME A FAVOR, BABY.

DON'T PLAY CHICKEN WITH ME.

'CAUSE I KNOW ALL THERE IS TO

KNOW ABOUT CHICKEN.

>> UGH!

>> WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH

YOU, CHICK?!

>> YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE SO COOL

AND ENLIGHTENED, RIGHT?

THAT YOU CAN GO AND GET A NEW

LITTLE GIRLFRIEND, THAT YOU CAN

JUST BRUSH ME OFF TO THE SIDE

'CAUSE YOU'RE DONE PLAYING?

IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT,

MALIK.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M -- I'M PRETTY SURE THAT

NEITHER MY HUSBAND NOR THE

PUBLIC WOULD RESPOND KINDLY

TO HEARING THAT...YOU RAPED ME.

>> I -- WHAT?

>> YEAH.

>> YOU ARE FRICKIN' --

>> HELP!

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

HELP! RAPE, RAPE, RAPE!

>> NO!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG --

SHUT UP. ARE YOU FRICKIN' NUTS?!

>> HOUSEKEEPING.

>> [ BREATHES HEAVILY ]

[ KNOCKING ]

>> HOUSEKEEPING.

>> YES?

>> IS EVERYTHING OKAY IN HERE,

MA'AM?

>> EVERYTHING'S GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

>> ARE YOU SURE?

>> I'M POSITIVE. [ CHUCKLES ]

THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO.

>> $100?

YOU TWO ENJOY YOUR EVENING.

>> THANK YOU. WILD NIGHT.

>> [ SIGHS ]

WHO ARE YOU GONNA SCREW, MALIK?

ME?

OR YOURSELF?

[ LAUGHS ]

>> WHAT KIND OF GIRL ARE YOU

LOOKING FOR?

TAKE YOUR PICK.

IT'S A BUFFET UP IN HERE.

>> WELL, SHE LOOKS NICE.

>> DEFINITELY NOT A CANDIDATE.

>> OKAY, WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW?

>> SHE'S DRINKING CRANBERRY

JUICE, WHICH MEANS SHE'S

A GOODY TWO-SHOES OR SHE'S

ON ANTIBIOTICS.

EITHER WAY, A HORRIBLE CHOICE.

>> ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT THAT

ONE?

>> SHE'S CUTE.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

WAY CUTER THAN YOU.

YOU TRYING TO LOSE YOUR HUSBAND?

[ SCOFFS ]

COME ON.

MM, HOLD THIS. THIS IS WHERE

I GO ON A KITTY-CAT HUNT

FOR YOU.

FOR YOU. MEOW.

MEOW.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU MELANIE BARNETT-DAVIS?

>> UM, YEAH.

>> HI, I'M ANTHEA.

I HAD SEEN YOU ON THE COVER OF

"ESSENCE."

GOD, YOU LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.

>> THANKS.

>> THEY MENTIONED THAT YOU'RE

A DOCTOR.

I'M STUDYING TO BE A DENTIST.

>> WOW, THAT'S -- THAT'S GREAT.

>> THANKS.

THANKS.

>> ♪ I KISSED A GIRL

♪ AND I LIKED IT

>> IS EVERYTHING OKAY, OR...?

>> OH, YEAH.

I'M JUST MAKING SURE YOU'RE NOT

CUTER THAN ME.

>> I'M SORRY, WHAT?

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU'RE -- YOU'RE CUTE.

YOU'RE CUTE.

IT'S JUST THAT YOUR -- YOUR LIPS

ARE VERY SEXY, VERY LICKABLE.

OH, MY GOD.

I AM SO SORRY.

I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LEAVE.

>> NO, NO, NO.

SERIOUSLY, I AM -- I'M

FLATTERED.

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M NOT A LESBIAN.

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO ASK

FOR A THREESOME WITH MY HUSBAND.

>> YOU, ME, AND DERWIN?

>> NO.

YES.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> UM...

JUST ASK.

>> OH, OKAY.

SO, UM, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE

A THREESOME, PLEASE?

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> SHOULD I HAVE SAID, "MAY I"?

>> ♪ I KISSED A GIRL

>> YES.

>> ♪ I HOPE MY BOYFRIEND

♪ DON'T MIND IT

>> OKAY.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

[ BOTH LAUGH ] THAT WAS EASY.

THAT WAS EASY.

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

GOOD MORNING, SUNSHINE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

CAT STILL GOT YOUR TONGUE?

[ LAUGHS ]

COME ON, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU

DIDN'T ENJOY IT.

LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'RE READY

FOR ROUND THREE.

FOR ROUND THREE. >> [ SIGHS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> [ SIGHS ] >> [ SIGHS ]

>> [ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ]

[ SIGHS ] [ GROANS ]

[ GROANS ]

>> YO, MEL, WHAT'S WITH ALL

THE --

>> Shh!

JUST SHUT UP.

TONIGHT I'M MADAM MELANIE, AND

YOU, SLAVE DERWIN, WILL FOLLOW

MY ORDERS.

UNDERSTAND?

>> OH, YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.

>> GOOD.

NOW TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES

AND MEET ME UPSTAIRS NOW.

>> OKAY. WHATEVER YOU SAY,

MADAM MELANIE.

MADAM MELANIE. MM.

MM.

>> BALLOONS...FOR ME?

>> MM-HMM.

TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR WIN.

OR...YOU CAN HAVE THESE

BALLOONS INSTEAD.

>> ♪ I WANT IT IN A WAY...

♪ I WANT IT

♪ I WANT YOU TO TAKE CONTROL

>> BABY, ARE YOU CRYING?

>> WHAT?

GIRL, PBHT. PLEASE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M JUST HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

>> I'M HAPPY TO SEE YOU, TOO.

>> ♪ LIGHT THE CANDLES

♪ LET'S EXPLORE A PLACE...

>> SO HAPPY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> OKAY, WHAT'S UP WITH ALL

THE SECRECY, THOUGH?

>> Shh! DON'T TALK.

JUST RELAX.

YOU'LL GET YOUR SURPRISE SOON

ENOUGH, OKAY?

>> OKAY.

>> OKAY. >> [ LOUD SMOOCH ]

>> [ LOUD SMOOCH ]

>> ♪ I WANT YOU SO DEEP

♪ BOY, YOU CAN FEEL MY

♪HEARTBEAT ♪

♪ I WANT YOU SO CLOSE

♪ NEVER WANT TO LET YOU GO

>> OOH.

DAMN.

>> WHAT'S UP, BOO?

>> NOTHING, NOTHING.

JUST -- JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE,

JUST -- JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE, OKAY?

OKAY?

OKAY? DAMN.

DAMN.

WHOO.

>> YO, MEL, WHAT'S GOING ON?

COME ON! STOP TEASING ME.

>> OKAY, OKAY, I'M READY.

I'M READY.

>> ♪ LET WHAT YOU'RE GOING

♪TO BE ♪

♪ JUST BECOME A PART OF ME

♪ IT'S LIKE WATER DRIPPING

♪ OFF A ROSE

>> DAMN.

>> ♪ A SIGHT SO BEAUTIFUL

>> OH, YEAH.

SOMEBODY'S BEEN PRACTICING.

YOU AIN'T NEVER USED YOUR TONGUE

THIS GOOD, MEL.

>> I SAID, "DON'T TALK."

>> DAMN.

>> ♪ MORNING STARS

♪ I WANT YOU SO DEEP

♪ BOY, YOU CAN FEEL

♪ MY HEARTBEAT

♪ YOU CAN FEEL MY HEARTBEAT

♪ NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO

♪ I WANT YOU SO DEEP

>> WHAT?

WHAT -- WHAT HAPPENED?

>> OH, GOD, DERWIN!

FOR GOD'S SAKES!

WHAT PART OF "BE QUIET" DON'T

YOU GET?

OKAY, NOW, JUST SIT THERE AND

SHUT UP UNTIL I COME BACK AND

MAKE LOVE TO YOU, YOU FREAKING

MAKE LOVE TO YOU, YOU FREAKING PIECE-OF-CRAP CHEATING PIG!

PIECE-OF-CRAP CHEATING PIG!

OH, MY GOD.

>> DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?

>> LOOK, ANTHEA, I AM SO SORRY.

BUT I THOUGHT I COULD BE THIS

HIP, PROGRESSIVE,

FORWARD-THINKING WOMAN,

BUT I AM NOT.

WATCHING YOU KISS MY HUSBAND, IT

DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL LIBERATED OR

OPEN-MINDED.

IT JUST MADE ME FEEL LIKE I

WANTED TO HIT YOU UPSIDE THE

HEAD WITH A GLASS BOTTLE AND

KICK ALL YOUR TEETH IN.

>> LOOK, LOOK. I GET IT.

TRUST ME.

IF I HAD A MAN LIKE DERWIN DAVIS

OR A WOMAN LIKE YOU, I WOULDN'T

WANT TO SHARE, EITHER.

BUT IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,

BUT IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU HAVE MY NUMBER.

YOU HAVE MY NUMBER.

>> ♪ DEEP

♪ BOY, YOU CAN FEEL

♪MY HEARTBEAT ♪

♪ BOY, YOU CAN FEEL MY HEART

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> ♪ NEVER WANT TO LET YOU GO

♪ I WANT YOU SO DEEP

♪ DEEP

♪ BOY, YOU CAN FEEL

♪ MY HEARTBEAT

>> [ Singsong voice ] I'M BACK.

MM.

>> ♪ NEVER WANT TO LET YOU GO

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

[ SIGHS ]

DOES THAT FEEL GOOD, BABY?

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> YEAH, IT WAS COOL.

BUT DO HOW YOU WAS DOING BEFORE.

I LIKE THAT WAY BETTER.

>> [ SCOFFS ]

SHUT UP.

SHUT UP. >> WHA-- MEL?

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