Original subtitles

* IT WAS JUST A DREAM

* JUST A MOMENT AGO

* I WAS UP SO HIGH, LOOKIN' DOWN

AT THE SKY *

* DON'T LET ME FALL

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

* I WAS SHOOTING FOR STARS...

>> WHAT'S UP?

HEY, WHAT UP?

HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

EVERYONE OUT HERE BETTER BE A

SABER FAN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> TODAY, YOU WAS TELLING MY

CLIENT, DERWIN DAVIS -- YEAH,

THE FACE OF NIKE.

HE'S A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR

"BOOM" CAMPAIGN, OKAY?

HE'S A BRAND.

HE'S AN ICON.

HE'S A ONE-MAN, BALL-CATCHING

ECONOMIC STIMULUS PACKAGE THAT'S

RESPONSIBLE FOR SERIOUS JOB

CREATION FOR THE CITY OF

SAN DIEGO.

AND YOU'RE GONNA TRY AND PUT HIM

AND HIS WIFE IN SOME DAMN

T-SHIRTS FOR THE COVER OF

ESSENCE ?!

>> YEAH, YEAH, 'CAUSE THE OWNERS

ARE OUT OF CONTROL.

THEY RUN THE SABERS LIKE A

PLANTATION.

OOH, DID I JUST SAY THAT?

YEAH, YEAH, I DID.

THE G.M. IS THE OVERSEER, THE

GRIDIRON IS THE COTTON FIELD,

AND THE PLAYERS -- BLACK, WHITE,

OUR SAMOAN BROTHERS -- ALL OF

THEM ARE NOTHING MORE THAN

$40 MILLION SLAVES.

SO, SABERS, I'M JASON PITTS, AND

YOU'RE BITCHED!

>> * NOW I'M IN YOUR HOUSE

* NOW I'M EVERYWHERE THAT YOUR

iPod GOES *

* EVERYTHING I SEE WAS A DREAM

JUST A MOMENT AGO *

>> OH!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

>> EVERYTHING.

>> * I WAS UP SO HIGH, LOOKIN'

DOWN AT THE SKY *

* DON'T LET ME FALL

>> OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

Y'ALL, LET'S DO IT AGAIN.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

I'M WEARING REAL DESIGNER SHOES

NOW.

WHEN I WAS MARRIED TO MY CHEAP

HUSBAND, I HAD TO WEAR THE

KNOCKOFFS.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE SMALLER STEPS

WITH KNOCKOFFS, 'CAUSE YOU'RE

NOT AS CONFIDENT.

>> * DON'T LET ME FALL

>> * DON'T, DON'T

>> * DON'T LET ME FALL

>> * DON'T, DON'T

>> * THEY SAY WHAT GOES UP MUST

COME DOWN *

* DON'T LET ME FALL

>> * DON'T LET ME FALL

>> * DON'T LET ME FALL

>> * DON'T, DON'T

>> * DON'T LET ME FALL

>> BOOM!

>> * DON'T, DON'T LET ME

>> * THEY SAY WHAT GOES UP MUST

COME DOWN *

* DON'T LET ME FALL

>> * DON'T LET ME FALL

>> * DON'T LET ME FALL

>> * YEAH, BY FAR MUCH LOWER

THAN WHERE THAT PAVEMENT IS *

* 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO PAIR OF

SHOE THAT THEY CAN MAKE FOR

THIS *

* 'CAUSE I PUT MY PAIN, MY

HEART, MY SOUL, MY FAITH IN

THIS *

* DOES ANYONE FEEL LIKE HOW I

FEEL? *

* THEN YOU CAN RELATE TO THIS

* JUST BLAZE OF THIS, MAYBE ROLL

ONE UP AND TAKE A HIT *

* TOAST TO THE GOOD LIFE...

>> GAME ON, BITCHES.

>> THATABOY.

>> THERE HE IS. [ LAUGHS ]

>> OKAY, READY?

BOOM!

>> BOOM!

>> THATABOY.

>> HE DIDN'T POOP TODAY, SO

COULD YOU TEXT ME WHEN HE DOES

THAT?

>> MM-HMM.

>> AND HE DIDN'T NAP WELL, SO...

>> YOU DIDN'T NAP?

>> ...GOOD LUCK.

>> HEY, JANAY.

>> HEY!

HI, MELANIE.

OH, WOW! NICE PURSE!

IS THAT YOURS, OR IS IT

ESSENCE ?

>> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEY ACTUALLY GAVE IT TO ME.

>> OH. MUST BE NICE.

OKAY.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

HEY, GUYS, I'M GONNA GO, ALL

RIGHT?

UM, I'LL BE BACK SUNDAY NIGHT,

SO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND DROPPING

HIM OFF MONDAY MORNING.

>> OKAY.

>> BYE!

>> BYE-BYE!

>> BYE-BYE!

>> BYE.

SAY, "HAVE A NICE FLIGHT,

MOMMY."

>> BYE!

>> I'M A MISS YOU.

>> HEY, HEY, JANAY, WHERE'S HIS

BAG?

>> OH, UH, IT'S IN THE CAR.

I'M SORRY.

>> LET'S GO GET YOUR BAG.

DO THE BUNNY HOP.

>> BYE.

>> BUNNY HOP, BUNNY HOP, BUNNY

HOP!

>> EVERY MONTH, I'M CHECKING OUT

THAT BABY, AND HE AIN'T DARKENED

UP ONE BIT.

JUST AS GEL AS THE DAY HE WAS

BORN.

>> OH, STOP IT.

>> OH, I'LL STOP, AS SOON AS

STONE PHILLIPS CONNECTS THE DOTS

TO THE MYSTERY OF THAT BABY'S

HAIR.

HOW'S HE GONNA HAVE A NATURAL

COMB WHEN BOTH HIS PARENTS COME

FROM A LONG LINEAGE OF NAPS?

>> [ LAUGHS ]

TASHA, I KNOW YOU'RE JUST TRYING

TO JOKE ME OUT OF THESE MOMENTS,

OKAY, AND I APPRECIATE IT, BUT I

AM FINE.

I AM OKAY.

>> OKAY!

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE OKAY, 'CAUSE

LOOK, GIRL.

YOU GOT YOUR HAIR DID.

YOU GOT THAT FACE DID.

YOU LOST THEM FIVE POUNDS.

OH, YOU'RE WINNING.

>> AND SHE WAS UP ALL IN MY

PURSE.

>> OH, NO, NO, NO.

SHE WAS COVETING WHAT YOU GOT.

I'M TELLING YOU, BABY MAMA ZERO,

WIFEY ONE.

>> HEY, GUYS, HEY, HEY, HEY.

I WANT TO MAKE A TOAST REALLY

QUICK.

TO OUR NEW MAJORITY OWNER, MEDIA

MOGUL, PUBLISHING MAGNATE, OWNER

OF SEVERAL DIFFERENT CURB GYMS

NATIONWIDE, MR. ROGER KEITH.

HERE'S TO YOU, SIR, FOR NOT

GIVING ME THE OFFENSIVE LINE I

NEEDED, HELPING TO TWIST UP MY

BACK.

I THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MY CHIROPRACTOR EVEN THANKS YOU.

[ LAUGHS ]

TO ROGER! HEY!

>> WELL, THANK YOU, MALIK, OWNER

OF 2,000 PAIR OF SNEAKERS, 42

WATCHES, AND A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT

OF PRECIOUS TO SEMIPRECIOUS

JEWELRY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> ACTUALLY, IT'S 58 WATCHES,

AND I'LL TRADE YOU ONE FOR ONE

OF THEM LITTLE CURBS.

>> Y-YOU KNOW THERE'S NO "B" IN

CURVES?

AND NO.

EITHER WAY, HERE'S TO YOU FOR

MANNING UP AND TAKING THE HITS

AND NOT GETTING YOUR CRYBABY

TEARS IN MY JAMBA JUICE.

YOU KNOW I OWN SEVERAL OF THOSE,

TOO?

>> WAIT.

SO ME GETTING HIT IS A JOKE TO

YOU?

>> OH, I ASSURE YOU, YOUNG MAN,

I DO NOT JOKE ABOUT MONEY.

AND THAT'S WHY I'M SETTING THIS

TEAM UP TO WIN ON THE FIELD AND

MOST DEFINITELY IN MY POCKETS,

AND WE CAN'T DO THAT WITHOUT

DEFENSE.

SO THERE JUST WASN'T ENOUGH

MONEY LEFT FOR YOUR LINE.

>> OH, BUT YOU HAD ENOUGH CASH

FOR DERWIN'S ASS.

>> LOOK, DERWIN IS MONEY, SON.

I MEAN, WHY DO YOU THINK I MADE

HIM MY FRANCHISE PLAYER, HUH?

HIS PRETTY CHURCH SMILE IS GONNA

GET ME A VINEYARD IN NAPA AND A

QUARTERHORSE NAMED

PRETTY CHURCH SMILE, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHING ]

>> HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HOLD ON, DAWGS.

>> GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, I

THINK THAT'S ENOUGH BUSINESS FOR

TONIGHT.

I WANT ALL OF MY MAN'S

ATTENTION.

>> AND YOU DESERVE IT ALL,

PARKER.

>> GENTLEMEN, EXCUSE ME.

I AM A BIT DISTRACTED, AS YOU

CAN SEE.

TODAY IS OUR ANNIVERSARY.

WE ARE TAKING THE G-V UP THE

COAST.

I RENTED HEARST CASTLE FOR THE

WEEKEND.

>> YOU CAN'T RENT HEARST CASTLE.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

NO, SON, YOU CAN'T RENT

HEARST CASTLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

COME ON, BABY.

ENJOY THE CRèME BRûLéE, MALIK.

>> OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I HAD MY DESSERT BEFORE DINNER.

AHH!

>> WHAT THE HELL?!

MELANIE!

MELANIE, GET IN HERE!

>> WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?

>> I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP

THIS AWAY FROM MY SON.

>> [ LAUGHS ]

>> I'M SERIOUS, OKAY?

THIS, NOT THIS.

DERWIN DAVIS, KOBE BRYANT.

>> OKAY, OKAY.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> LOOK, DERWIN, YOU'VE GOT TO

GET GOING.

I DON'T THINK NIKE WOULD BE

HAPPY THAT THEIR SUPERSTAR

MISSED THEIR "BOOM!" EVENT.

>> YEAH, WELL, MY SON SMELLS

LIKE GERBER GONE BAD.

HE NEEDS TO GET CLEAN.

>> DERWIN, I'LL GIVE D.J. A

BATH, AND I'LL PUT HIM TO BED.

LOOK, YOU -- YOU BARELY LET ME

CHANGE HIS DIAPER!

I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN PROTECTING ME

IN ALL THIS BY NOT HAVING ME

TAKE ON ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR

D.J., BUT HE'S PRACTICALLY MINE,

TOO.

>> WELL, YOU KNOW --

>> IT'S TIME YOU LET ME HELP!

>> YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.

HIS BATH/BEDTIME, MELANIE, IS A

VERY DELICATE BALANCE.

THAT'S WHY.

YOU KNOW HOW I AM.

>> DERWIN, I MAY NOT HAVE DONE

MY RESIDENCY, BUT I AM STILL

DR. MELANIE BARNETT DAVIS.

>> I KNOW.

[ LAUGHS ]

I'M STILL PAYING FOR THEM MED

SCHOOL BILLS.

>> WELL, I CAN CHANGE MY MIND

AND STILL PRACTICE.

>> GIVE UP BEING A SUPERSTAR'S

WIFE?

>> WHO WOULD EVER WANT TO GIVE

UP ALL THIS GLAMOUR?

YEAH.

>> FINE!

YOU GOT THE JOB.

I LOVE YOU.

>> LOVE YOU, TOO.

BYE.

>> NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU JUST

NOW TUNING IN, FILLING IN FOR MY

PARTNER, CHUCK, WHO'S OUT WITH

YET ANOTHER DEVIATED SEPTUM IS

FUTURE HALL-OF-FAME HOPEFUL

JASON PITTS.

>> UM, I DON'T THINK I FALL INTO

THE CATEGORY OF HOPEFULS.

I THINK I'M MORE OF A

NO-BRAINER.

>> OH, NO, I WASN'T TRYING TO

EMBARRASS YOU.

IT WAS JUST MORE OF AN INTRO.

>> OH, NO, NO.

IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE.

I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE A

KNOWLEDGEABLE GUY WHEN IT COMES

TO SPORTS, SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE

HOSTING A SPORTS SHOW.

BUT --

>> YOU DO KNOW I'LL WHIP YOUR

ASS, RIGHT?

>> HEY, I'M -- I'M SORRY, MAN.

I'M SORRY.

LOOK, I'M -- YOU KNOW, I'M NEW

TO THIS WHOLE THING.

I'LL HAVE IT ALL PERFECTED BY

THE TIME I TAKE YOUR JOB.

[ Laughing ] NO, NO, I'M JUST

PLAYING.

I'M JUST PLAYING.

>> SO SERIOUSLY, JASON, WHAT ARE

YOU DOING HERE?

WHY AIN'T YOU IN TRAINING CAMP

WITH THE REST OF YOUR TEAMMATES?

>> WELL, CHRIS, I AM DOING WHAT

MOST AMERICAN WOMEN HAVE

FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO.

I'M HOLDING OUT UNTIL I GET THE

RESPECT THAT I DESERVE.

I GAVE THE SABERS AND THE CITY

OF SAN DIEGO 12 YEARS OF MY

LIFE, A CHAMPIONSHIP, NOT TO

MENTION MY PLATINUM PARTY SONG,

"THE PITTS SHUFFLE."

* AND DIP AND PITTS

* AND DIP AND PITTS AND DIP

COME ON, CHRIS.

* DIP AND PITTS

YOU GONNA ACT LIKE YOU DON'T

KNOW IT?

>> OH, I KNOW IT, AND EVERYBODY

WITH $1.99 AND DIRECTION TO THE

WALMART KNOWS IT.

WHY NOT TAKE THE GLOBAL

SENSATION THAT IS

"THE PITTS SHUFFLE" TO THE EAST

COAST?

>> BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO SOME

OTHER TEAM, HAVE TO MAKE FRIENDS

WITH A BUNCH OF THUGS THAT USE

THEIR BODY PARTS AS TARGET

PRACTICE.

NO, NO.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, CHRIS.

IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU LEFT

BASKETBALL.

THERE WAS NO SEND-OFF.

THERE WAS NO PARADE.

MATTER OF FACT, I DON'T EVEN

REMEMBER A MENTION OF IT.

IT WAS LIKE I TURNED ON THE

GAME ONE DAY AND YOU WEREN'T

THERE.

YOU WERE JUST GONE.

IT'S, UH -- IT'S SAD.

>> DON'T CRY FOR ME.

THEY PAID ME VERY WELL FOR MY

SERVICES.

>> ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'LL JUST SAY THAT THEY DID.

I DON'T THINK THAT THEY DID, BUT

WE'LL SAY THAT THEY DID.

BUT I DON'T THINK THAT THEY DID.

>> I SEE WHY YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU.

AND SPEAKING OF YOUR WIFE, MY

PRODUCERS ARE TELLING ME WE HAVE

YOUR WIFE LIVE ON SKYPE RIGHT

NOW.

SHE'S OUR FAN OF THE DAY, AND

SHE WANTS TO...

[ FANFARE ]

>> GET OFF THE BENCH!

>> HI, JASON!

>> KELLY, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU

WANT?!

>> TO GET OFF THE BENCH!

[ LAUGHS ]

DID YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE A

CONTRACT?

YEAH.

I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SERIES.

I'M GONNA BE TALKING ABOUT HOW

HARD IT WAS BEING MARRIED TO

YOU.

DID YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS

BEING MARRIED TO YOU?

>> DID YOU SERIOUSLY CALL IN

HERE TO PLUG YOUR STUPID REALITY

SHOW?

>> OH, YOU MEAN MY REALITY

SHOW, "EX-BALLERS WIVES," THAT

I'M CURRENTLY FILMING THAT WILL

AIR THIS FALL?

CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS.

HELL YEAH I DID.

BYE!

>> YOU'RE BENCHED!

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

>> "MR. FROG, YOU TRIPPIN'!

ANYBODY'S HAIR IS SILKY WHEN YOU

WET IT!"

I THINK HIS HAIR IS KINKY!"

"WELL, LET'S ASK THE KID, THEN.

DOES YOUR MOMMY TAKE YOU TO THE

BARBERSHOP OR THE SALON?

RIBBET!"

[ BABY FUSSES ]

>> [ GASPS ]

"AHA! AVOIDING THE QUESTION!

I THINK HE'S HIDING SOMETHING."

"OH, HE'S JUST A HAPPY BABY,

HAPPY TO HAVE A GOOD DADDY."

"WELL, EXPLAIN WHY HE'S SO

YELLOW, THEN."

"HMM! I'M STUMPED THERE.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK,

DR. MELANIE BARNETT DAVIS?"

UH, WELL, WE DO KNOW THAT PALE

GENES CAN SKIP A GENERATION.

"OH, IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY WE

CAN BE SURE."

[ LAUGHS ]

WELL, OF COURSE THERE IS.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING

WITH THAT Q-TIP, MR. FROG?"

UH, YEAH.

LION'S RIGHT, MR. FROG.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE CLEANING A

BABY'S EARS WITH A Q-TIP.

"OH, STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DON'T

KNOW WHAT I'M DOING."

SAY, "AHH," D.J.

>> AHH!

>> AH! HEE!

YEE!

>> BABY?

BABY?

BABY, WHERE ARE YOU?

BABY?E, GIRL.

>> NOW, DID YOU TAKE A SHOWER?

>> LISTEN, DON'T BE MAD.

>> YOU TOOK A SHOWER!

>> I WAITED AS LONG AS I COULD.

>> DANTE, YOU PROMISED ME.

>> I WAS REALLY, REALLY FUNKY.

>> OKAY, AND I TOLD YOU THAT

THAT WAS REALLY, REALLY SEXY.

COME HERE.

HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA GO INSIDE, OKAY?

>> MM-HMM.

>> I'M GONNA TAKE OFF ALL MY

CLOTHES.

>> OKAY.

>> AND I WANT YOU...AND I WANT

YOU TO RUN OUT A FEW MORE LAPS

AROUND THAT BLOCK, OKAY?

I NEED YOU TO GET BACK ALL OF

THAT THAT YOU WASHED OFF IN THAT

SHOWER, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY?

>> OR I CAN JUST DO THIS.

>> YOU CAN DO THAT.

THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S

GOOD.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO TELL

YOU I DIDN'T THINK THIS THING

WITH ME AND DANTE WAS GONNA LAST

SIX DAYS, LET ALONE SIX MONTHS.

ANYHOO, HERE ARE THE SHOTS FROM

THE ESSENCE SHOOT.

NOW, WE NEED TO PICK OUT OUR

FAVORITE THREE FOR THE COVER.

>> OKAY.

>> SO, I LIKE NUMBERS --

>> I GAVE D.J. A DNA TEST.

>> ...FOUR, FIVE, AND SIX.

>> DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST

SAID?

>> YES! YOU GAVE HIM A DNA TEST!

DAMN IT, MELANIE!

>> I KNOW, I KNOW!

DERWIN WOULD BE CRUSHED IF D.J.

IS NOT HIS.

HE LOVES THAT LITTLE BOY SO

MUCH, AND I'VE GROWN TO LOVE

HIM.

OKAY, OKAY, I'VE GROWN QUITE

FOND OF HIM.

>> THANK YOU.

HELL, IF I'M GONNA BE HERE, YOU

BETTER TELL ME THE TRUTH.

>> I AM A GOOD PERSON, TASHA!

I CHOSE TO POSTPONE MY RESIDENCY

TO BE A GOOD, SUPPORTIVE WIFE,

TO -- TO GIVE MY MARRIAGE A SHOT

IN THIS GAME.

I AM THAT WOMAN WHO STANDS BY

HER MAN, NOT WHO SWABS HIS BABY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK THAT FROM THE MOMENT YOU

TUTORED DERWIN BACK IN

COLLEGE -- OH, YEAH, AND THEN

YOU SAW HE WAS GOING PRO -- YOU

HOOKED YOURSELF RIGHT ONTO HIS

LITTLE WAGON, AND THEN YOU

GAMBLED A LOT TO GET HERE, AND

YOU ALMOST CRAPPED OUT WHEN HE

CHEATED ON YOU AND HE HAD THAT

BABY BY JANAY.

BUT NO, NO.

YOU FOUGHT THROUGH THAT, AND YOU

GOT YOUR MAN BACK.

BUT THEN YOU GOT HIM BACK WHEN

HIS CAREER WAS SLIPPING.

NOW LOOK AT HIM.

OH, HE'S MR. NIKE.

>> TASHA --

>> UNH-UNH! LET ME TALK!

Let me talk.

NOW LOOK AT YOU.

WHAT, YOU GOT YOUR SOPHISTICATED

LITTLE HOUSE, SNAGGED THE COVER

OF ESSENCE.

EVERYTHING IS ALL GOOD, EXCEPT

FOR THAT ONE LITTLE SPECK RIGHT

OVER THERE IN THE CORNER.

THAT'S JANAY AND D.J.

THEY'RE JUST SITTING RIGHT OVER

THERE, JUST MESSING UP YOUR

PERFECT LITTLE PICTURE, AREN'T

THEY?

AREN'T THEY?

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

SAVED BY THE DAMN BELL.

[ RINGING CONTINUES ]

>> [ SIGHS ] OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

THIS IS MY FRIEND WITH THE

RESULTS.

>> IGNORE THE SPECK, MELANIE.

IT'S STILL A PRETTY PICTURE.

>> HEY, BLACK PEOPLE, THIS MIGHT

BE A SHOCK, BUT CHICKEN IS NOT

YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT, SO BACK UP

AND ACT LIKE WHITE PEOPLE ON

THIS TRUCK, PLEASE.

>> OOH!

YOU ARE SO SEXY WHEN YOU'RE

AUTHORITATIVE.

IF IT WASN'T FOR ALL THESE

PEOPLE, I'D CLUCK YOU RIGHT NOW.

>> WELL, DON'T GET IT TWISTED.

YOU'RE GONNA GET CLUCKED...

>> OOH!

>> ...RIGHT AFTER THE LUNCH

RUSH.

>> TEE TEE, YOU GOT ME OUT HERE

DUSTING UP MY BULLET.

NEXT TIME, PARK SOMEWHERE

CONDUCIVE TO YOUR UPSCALE

CLIENTELE.

NO OFFENSE, FELLAS.

EXCUSE US.

SABERS FOR LIFE, Y'ALL.

YO, I NEED SOME WINGS AND

THINGS, BABY, HOOD STYLE AND

CARIBBEAN STYLE.

>> WAIT.

THEY COOK THE FOOD INSIDE THE

TRUCK?

>> MM-HMM.

>> OH, OKAY.

WELL, I'LL TRY ANYTHING ONCE.

>> [ CHUCKLES ] SURE WILL.

MWAH!

YO, DAWG, HOOK UP THESE CONTACTS

IN MY PHONE.

THERE'S TOO MANY NICKNAMES IN

THERE.

LIKE WHO IN THE HELL IS

ICE CREAM DAN?

>> HE'S YOUR ACCOUNTANT.

REMEMBER, YOU TOLD ME TO CALL

HIM THAT 'CAUSE HE'S A COOL,

SWEET GUY?

>> TEE TEE, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

PROTECT ME FROM MY OWN

IGNORANCE, MAN.

YOU'RE SLIPPING, OKAY?

>> MALIK, I BEEN TELLING YOU FOR

MONTHS NOW, YOU GOT TO FIND A

NEW ASSISTANT.

I MEAN, I RESIGNED LIKE SIX

TIMES ALREADY.

>> DAWG, JUST UPDATE THE DAMN

CONTACTS IN THE PHONE, ALL

RIGHT?

AND GET THE REST OF MY STUFF OUT

OF STORAGE.

IT'S BEEN IN THERE FOR MONTHS.

>> ALL RIGHT, FINE, BUT THEN

THAT'S IT, OKAY?

I MEAN, ALLISON AND THE TRUCK --

THEY'RE EATING UP ALL MY TIME.

I'M GETTING LIKE TWO HOURS

SLEEP.

>> WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S

GONNA HELP YOU GROW.

YOU'RE DONE.

>> OKAY, THIS DUST IS MAKING ME

THE OPPOSITE OF HORNY, SO GET

YOUR CHICKEN PARTS.

LET'S GO.

>> MWAH.

>> YO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING YOU'RE

ALREADY DOING THE OWNER'S WIFE,

BUT YOU'RE JUST GONNA BE ALL OUT

WITH IT?

>> TEE TEE, IT'S CALLED HIDING

OUT IN THE OPEN, BABY, OKAY?

I READ IT IN A BOOK.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I'M LYING, DAWG.

FORTUNE COOKIE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

>> ORDER UP.

>> THANK YOU.

>> HEY, MAN, LOOK, IF YOU GET

CAUGHT, YOUR CAREER'S OVER.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

>> TEE TEE, HOW CAN I GET CAUGHT

WHEN THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO

ME?

>> HEY, HEY, WHERE YOU GOING?

YOU GOT TO PAY FOR THOSE.

>> TEE TEE, I JUST TOLD YOU,

BOY, THE RULES DON'T APPLY TO

ME!

>> THE BABY IS NOT HIS, KELLY.

I REPEAT, THE BABY IS NOT HIS.

>> ARE YOU SAYING

SAN DIEGO SABERS STAR WIDE

RECEIVER DERWIN DAVIS JUST FOUND

OUT HE'S NOT THE FATHER OF THE

BABY THAT HE RAISED FOR TWO

YEARS?!

>> KELLY PITTS, ARE YOU

RECORDING THIS?!

>> ME? NO!

>> KELLY, I WILL BEAT THE BIMBO

OUT OF YOU.

>> CUT, CUT.

DAMN IT, CUT.

I'LL COVER AT MY CONFESSIONALS.

>> KELLY!

>> SEE, I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL

THE WHITE GIRL FOR ADVICE.

>> WHO'S THAT?

>> TASHA.

WHO CARES!

JUST GIVE ME SOME ADVICE!

>> YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHO THIS

IS.

THIS IS TASHA MIZACK.

>> MELANIE, THAT HOOD RAT HAS

BEEN WITH YOU THIS WHOLE TIME?

>> YES.

>> WHO YOU CALLING A HOOD RAT,

TRAILER TRASH?

>> SAME HOOD RAT WHO BROKE UP MY

MARRIAGE, INTRODUCING JASON TO

ANOTHER WOMAN, AND A BLACK ONE

AT THAT.

>> KELLY, ARE YOU STILL HOLDING

ON TO THAT?

GIRL, THAT WAS TWO YEARS AGO.

YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.

>> HOW ABOUT I MOVE ON TO

KNOCKING YOU OUT?!

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAUGHT ME WITH A SUCKER

PUNCH.

SEE, I KNEW YOU WAS DIRTY THE

DAY I MET YOU.

HOUSE DIRTY, CAR DIRTY, HAIR

DIRTY.

THIS IS A DIRTY BROAD.

>> EXCUSE ME.

THIS IS ABOUT ME.

>> MARKET AND FOURTH, TASHA.

MARKET AND FOURTH.

I'LL BE HANDING OUT ASS

WHUPPINGS AND LOLLIPOPS, AND I

AM ALL OUT OF LOLLIPOPS.

>> OKAY, WELL, BRING IT, BARBIE.

BRING IT, 'CAUSE WE CAN DO THIS.

>> [ SIGHS ]

>> ARE YOU REALLY MEETING HER AT

MARKET AND FOURTH?

>> HELL NO!

YOU HEAR HOW ANGRY SHE WAS,

GIRL?

SHE'D KILL ME.

ONLY WAY I'M GONNA CATCH HER IS

TO GET HER SLIPPING.

SO LOOK, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO

NOW?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHAT ARE WE

GONNA DO?

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

>> GIRL, THIS AIN'T HARD.

YOU LOVE DERWIN, DON'T YOU?

OKAY, ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS TELL

HIM THE TRUTH.

I KNOW I AIN'T NEVER BEEN

MARRIED, BUT I SEEN ENOUGH

"DIVORCE COURT" TO KNOW THAT

SECRETS KILL MARRIAGES.

>> I'M SCARED, TASHA.

>> AND YOU SHOULD BE.

IT'S GONNA BE THE FIRST REAL

TEST OF YOUR MARRIAGE.

>> MEL, WHERE YOU AT?!

>> HI.

>> WHAT'S UP, SEXY?

WHAT YOU DOING?

>> OH, I JUST POURED MYSELF A

GLASS OF WINE.

>> OKAY.

>> [ CHUCKLES ]

MM!

YOU SMELL GOOD.

>> WELL, WANTED TO MAKE SURE

YOU'D HAVE SEX WITH ME.

>> UM, SO, HOW WAS TRAINING

CAMP?

>> OH, YOU KNOW, MEL.

I MEAN...TRAINING CAMP.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

>> LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE JUST A VET NOW.

>> YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW.

AT THIS POINT IN TIME, IT'S

WHATEVER, YOU KNOW?

BUT HEY, BABY, HOW ABOUT YOU?

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

>> DERWIN, I SWABBED D.J. AND

HAD HIS SALIVA TESTED FOR

PATERNITY.

>> BOO, YOU DID WHAT?

>> YES, I KNOW, I KNOW.

DERWIN, JUST HEAR ME OUT FOR A

SECOND.

>> YOU DID WHAT?!

>> I GAVE HIM A PATERNITY TEST.

>> WHY DID YOU DO THAT,

MELANIE, HUH?!

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T CARE, 'CAUSE I DON'T

WANT TO KNOW.

>> OKAY, OKAY, FINE.

THEN I WON'T TELL YOU.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT THIS TO BE A

SECRET IN OUR MARRIAGE, DERWIN,

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

>> YOU KNOW, WHETHER HE IS OR

HE ISN'T, I DON'T CARE, OKAY?

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, D.J. IS

MY SON.

>> OKAY, FINE!

I WON'T TELL YOU.

>> GOOD.

>> OKAY.

EVEN THOUGH YOU SHOULD PROBABLY

KNOW HE'S NOT YOURS!

WE NEEDED TO KNOW THE TRUTH,

DERWIN!

SHE JUST WANTS WHAT WE HAVE!

[ SIGHS ]

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