Original subtitles

(blows low note in bottle, low moaning)

Derwin "Ding-Dong" Davis.

(imitating echo): Davis. Davis. Davis.

Tonight's theme for your bachelor party is...

(imitating echo): Is. Is. Is.

Hades.

And sinning. Don't forget sinning.

Sinning. Yeah, and sinning.

But before the real "debauckery" begins...

Debauchery, debauchery.

Debauchery begins...

We got a few friends who want to send you off

on their own special good-bye.

Who? Who?

Are you ready, church boy?

Let it begin.

(crazed chuckling, yelling)

Introducing your San Diego Sabers cheerleaders.

(loud music playing)

(cheering, shouting)

I love getting married, y'all!

So-So what's next?

Oh! Stripper cops?

Yo, it's a little cliché, but, hey, when in Rome, right?

I'm over here! Arrest me, Officer.

(laughing)

-Sir! -Damn it, Tee Tee!

Can you stick to the program, please?

After the cheerleaders, it's the, what?

Huh? Come on. Come on. The ping-pong chick.

Don't talk to me. I'm ready.

We're here for Jason Pitts.

Fellas!

Ha ha ha!

A little gifty-poo for the best man.

All right, ladies.

As long as you promise not to tell my wife.

Oops, I forgot. I'm divorced. Hey-yo!

Hey-yo!

Don't speak. We are dropping it

and popping it.

Stay back.

Can't let this fat ass go to waste.

Let's get nasty, mama!

(screams)

Come on. We're not paying you for...

Ow. Ow!

Jason Pitts, you are under arrest

for the assault and battery of Roman Scott.

Who?

(wailing)

Hot damn. Does this mean

the party's over?

No! No! Hell, no!

Ladies... Hey! (laughing)

Erica, that's not centered.

I mean, lily pads don't float if they're not centered.

Come on. Who doesn't know that?

Huh?

Huh?

Forgive me.

Derwin have that baby

by someone else yet?

(laughing)

Okay, okay, so you're going to go there

when your husband has three kids with the same birthday?

Ladies, ladies.

You know what would speed up

this assembly line?

Wine.

ERICA and TASHA: Yes!

Wine, no. I want focus.

Okay? I mean, these lily pads,

they have to be perfect for my wedding.

God, I can't work like this.

Sober hurts.

Come on, Kelly, we only have 72 more to go.

Okay, you know what? I don't know why

I'm ashing my knees. Slavery is over.

Marta, you in, baby.

But, Ms. Tasha, my kids.

Call them, too. 'Cause they can help.

Hey.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Okay, wait.

Where you think you're going looking like a hoochie Barbie?

Whatever.

Um, Pucci, I called you an hour ago

to help Kelly glue the corners.

Uh, yeah, sorry. I have this condition

where I don't do work for people I don't know.

Little girl, you're gonna be staying

for free this summer, you got to earn your keep.

Now, grab a lily and get to gluing.

Okay, you know what?

She needs responsibility.

Make her sing at my wedding, Tasha.

-No. -Uh-huh. A little Etta James

or Sade will straighten her ass right out.

Hey, y'all, let's make her our personal jukebox

and liven this night up.

I'm feeling like some Gwen Stefani.

I don't hear you, Pucci.

Hey, maybe if we drop

a quarter in her ass.

(laughing)

That's funny. You know

-what's even funnier? -Huh?

Your ex-husband being arrested on TV.

Come on.

Ow.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Kelly, wait. That can't be Jason. It's got to be a mistake.

-(coins clanging on ground) -Wait, hold on.

That's my change.

Hold on, dude! That's my change!

Kelly, it's going to be okay.

-Kelly, I'm here if you need me. -Thank you.

Kelly, while you're out, could you pick up some ribbon?

How damn selfish are you?

What? I mean, the mall is right next to the police station.

Although, if she does go downtown,

she can get the ribbon for cheaper.

Ooh, I'm going to call her.

You know what? This whole thing

about you being first is some bull.

Look, it doesn't matter if you

and Derwin get married this weekend

or ten years from now, you're still gonna be his first wife.

You know what? I think you're just worried

about that baby coming and stealing your thunder.

Uh-huh. See, that's why you're moving the wedding up,

so that your little ass can still have the spotlight, huh?

Yeah. I could go with that.

Look, Tasha,

okay, I am going to have the spotlight and my wedding.

Even if Marta, Erica, and Pucci's hands have to bleed

to make it happen.

Two days and counting, people.

Two days and counting.

Back to work.

I don't even know why I'm here.

Bitch, 'cause you owe me money.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Kel. Hey, are you taking

the surface streets or the freeway?

Hello? Hello?

I'll just text her.

Jason. Jason,

I am so sorry. This is all my fault.

Don't worry, Jason. We're going to get you out of here, okay?

I have an entire plan all set for you.

Look, you were right.

You said that Roman was a loser.

I never should have dated him.

I tried to pull some strings

to get a separate, you know, a special arraignment,

but the judge is being a hard-ass. Don't...

If I hadn't dated him, then you wouldn't have hit him,

and then you wouldn't be in here.

MORRIS: Look, Jason, okay. You might be stuck here all weekend.

I think the judge may want to make an example

of your celebrity.

What? That's ridiculous. I'm not staying

in this hellhole all weekend.

Thank you, sweetie.

Soy, two sugars?

You're the best, Rolanda.

(sobbing): Jason.

Just give us a...

Kel, come on. Don't cry.

Don't. It's going to be Monday before you know it.

But I'm scared for you.

Don't be worried about me. I'm fine.

(sobbing): They're gonna rape you!

Hey.

Nobody's raping anybody. Okay? I'm Jason Pitts.

Oh, God, Jason. Your image, your endorsements...

I mean, who's going to buy a Pittsicle from a prison bitch?

Okay. You need to stop watching reruns of Oz.

Okay? Toughen up, get strong, 'cause Brittany needs you.

And I need you.

You do?

Of course I do, Kel.

You called me "Kel."

That's what you're always going to be to me.

God, Jason.

I wish this glass wasn't here, so I could just hug you.

Me, too.

* If we live forever

* Time would never change how we love *

* No...

You know, forget it.

It... I... I can't sing in this wind.

Excuse me, diva, but Beyoncé will sing in a snowstorm.

I guess you ain't no Beyoncé, huh?

(laughing) I'm just saying.

* If we lived forever

* Time would never change how we love *

Damn, Ma.

She listens to you.

You know I do remember some reverse psychology.

College, schmollege.

You need to go ahead and manage her singing career.

Boy, please. What do I know about the music business?

Well, what did you know about football?

I mean, I'm just saying.

Okay, on three, say "mistake."

Tee Tee, look, give Marta the camera.

Go put on your valet vest. The guests are starting to arrive.

Oh, look at you humming a happy tune

while your ex-husband's being passed around in the pokey.

Look, Tasha, I know this is going to sound terrible,

but I'm almost glad that Jason got arrested.

What?

Well, it's just with this whole crazy ordeal,

it's made Jason and I realize that our relationship

is still the most important thing to us.

Oh, my God.

Are you guys getting back together?

Looks like we will be.

Once the man takes his foot off his neck.

Congratulations, Kelly! I'm so happy for you guys.

So, it's over between him and Camille?

Camille who?

Oh, thank God!

Girl.

Oh, y'all just don't know, honey.

Girl, I feel like a giant weight's

been lifted off my shoulders.

Wow.

I didn't think you cared so much.

Yeah, me, either.

No, it's like I can finally be honest and just say it.

Girl, remember when I was pissed at you

for not quitting ISM after they fired me?

Yeah.

Well, girl...

I went and hooked Camille up with Jason.

You what?

Mm-hmm.

It's crazy, right?

And Lord knows, wait, girl, you know I was

feeling real guilty about it, but you know what?

In hindsight, it's like, I can see that if it wasn't for me

getting them together, then you and what-- Roman--

y'all would have never got together and then Jason,

he wouldn't be in all this trouble over this.

Then y'all wouldn't even be able to see-- what?--

how much y'all mean to each other.

Kelly, I'm your she-ro, diva.

What? Girl, and then, look at all

the extra dang-a-lang you was able to get out of it.

Say what? 'Cause you are welcome.

(laughing)

You bitch!

What is wrong with you?

Oh, my God! Get her off of me!

You are ruining my wedding!

She's got to die!

What? You lost your damn mind!

Look, what Tasha did was foul, okay?

What? No. She needs to be thanking me.

It was foul, Tasha.

Okay. No. Okay. Kelly, look. I'm sorry.

-I was in a bad place. -See? See? She's sorry.

Okay? How many times behind her back have we said,

"She's ignorant but has a good heart"?

Oh, y'all be talking about me?

-Yeah! -Shut up. I'm trying to save you, okay?

-Oh, please. -Look, Kelly.

You and Jason have to get back together, okay?

Because that's what's important.

So, are you cool?

-You're right. -Are you cool?

-I'm cool. She needs to chill. -I'm cool.

I'm cool. I'm cool.

-I'm cool. -Good.

Marta, can you please hurry up?

Oh, my God!

Ta-da, bitch!

(quietly): Oh, God.

Come on. (grunting)

Yo, Ma. You let a white girl knock you out?

Ooh, Malik. Get me out of here.

I don't want nobody to see me like this.

-Y'all boxing in here? -Get the damn door.

Mel!

Mel, where you at?

-(Melanie groans) -You okay?

I'm ready to go home, Derwin.

What?!

(groaning)

Oh, no! No, baby! I can't see you!

I can't see you. I can't see you. It's bad luck.

It doesn't matter, Derwin, okay?

I mean, the wedding is off!

Everything is falling apart!

Tasha's got a concussion, Kelly's knuckles are bleeding,

I don't have any bridesmaids left,

and my makeup looks like I'm about to have my quinceañera.

Come on, baby girl, just calm down, okay?

No, Derwin!

Everything is horrible, okay?

I mean, I can't even use my lily pads

because there's a freaking tsunami out there.

My dad is not here to walk me down the aisle.

And Jason can't do it because he's getting raped in his pokey.

God.

You know what, Derwin? Let's just get married later.

I mean, like, a year or two from now.

I just... I can't... I can't take this.

No, Melanie! Okay?

No! My baby wants to be a first and you're going to be a first.

Derwin, I don't have any bridesmaids.

Mel, that's fine, simple, I'll just get rid of my groomsmen.

Oh, my God, Derwin, you cannot have a wedding

without bridesmaids and groomsmen

(sobbing): and best friends and mommies and daddies.

Melanie, listen, okay?

Today isn't about anybody else but us.

Me and you.

We'll just start our lives off together.

Okay? Just the two of us.

Me at the altar, you...

You looking beautiful coming down that aisle.

When we're standing there side by side,

in front of God,

everybody will know it's just the two of us from here on out.

Okay?

Mel.

Can I just say "I do" now?

Baby, just give me 30 more minutes,

and we'll make it official.

(laughing): Okay.

Okay.

*

All rise.

(sighs)

Wow.

Um, ho-hold up, Mel.

What now?

You know I love you guys.

But if you are here to ruin our day,

you can go to hell.

Melanie, no matter what transpires between us,

you're our daughter,

and we could not miss your wedding day.

Or the next one.

Grace.

Will you have us?

Oh, God, yes.

Yes, yes.

Oh...

Oh, I love you.

It's okay!

They're here to be a part of the wedding.

-(crowd murmurs happily) -Yes.

Thanks, Dad.

-Go. -Okay.

Everything is perfect now.

Yeah.

(giggling)

(cell phone ringing)

Uh...

my bad.

No, it's my phone.

It's Janay.

Look, I...

I kind of got to take this.

Hey hey. What's up? Is everything okay?

It's Janay. She's in labor.

Okay, how far apart are the contractions?

Janay, I need, like, ten more minutes.

Like, tighten up down there, you know?

Don't let him out.

Come on, man. Let's make this quick. Come on.

Derwin... just go.

No, Mel, we can knock this...

It's okay. Just go.

I love you, Melanie.

*

*

I heard there was going to be a wedding at your house.

And I said...

"Not without me. "

*

JUDGE: Will the defendant please rise?

(mouthing): Everything's going to be okay.

Defendant is released on his own recognizance.

The trial date will be set at a later time.

(sighs)

Mm. You don't understand what it meant to have you here.

I wouldn't be anywhere else.

(sighing)

Thank you, Kel. Thank you.

Hey.

(reporters clamoring)

*

*

How's Janay and the baby?

*

What's his name?

(sniffles)

DJ. Derwin Junior.

(sniffles)

Mel...

He's your first.

I get it.

You know, a while ago, somebody asked me...

"How do you know that you found the one?"

How do you know that you've found the one?

Well, you listen to the vows, Melanie.

It's all there.

Do you want to be with her,

for better...

or for worse,

through sickness and in health,

till death do you part?

Now, if the answer is yes--

I mean, truly yes--

then you know.

With no hesitation and no reservation, Melanie,

(Melanie crying)

I know.

(whispers): Mel... I know.

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