Original subtitles

*

-What? -Derwin, oh, my God.

It's Janay. It's time.

-What? -Yeah.

Okay, I'm on my way. I'm on my way.

Okay, um... well...

*

*

You okay?

I'm signing my divorce papers.

No.

* I'm talkin' to you, I'm talkin' to you, you... *

*

Yo, I might be rich,

but my little sis is gonna make me nasty rich.

*

Hey, Boo.

"Hey, Boo"?

Derwin, I have been worried sick.

I mean, how's the baby?

How's Janay? You...

Oh, he cool.

Little man's still cooking.

It was a false alarm.

Hey, I brought you some hash browns.

What, Mel?

Derwin, when you walked out that door last night,

my life flashed before my eyes.

I mean, come on, let's face it:

this baby is coming... soon.

And when it does, our lives will never be the same.

I know.

Come on, baby, we talked about it, remember?

And you can't keep trippin'

every time we mention the baby...

Wait, who's trippin'?

-Mel, you're trippin' a little bit. -I'm not trippin'.

-A little bit. -Baby, I am good.

-Okay. -Okay, in fact, I am so good...

I want to get married next weekend.

-What?! -Yes!

I mean, come on, Derwin, why not?

Let's... let's make us official.

Mel, baby, hold up.

Where's all this coming from?

Derwin, I will never be the first to have your baby.

But I want to be the first at something.

You're my first love.

That's not good enough?

No.

Um... Mel, come on.

All right, a quickie wedding is not what you want.

You want a traditional wedding.

You want the Four Seasons. You want a gang of bridesmaids.

-You want to lose that last ten pounds. -What?

Huh?

-You said... -No, I didn't...

-No, you said you wanted to lose it. -I never... What?

Yes, you did. You said you wanted to lose it.

I say you look beautiful the way you are.

And skinny.

Shut up.

-I saying... -Look, I just want to be

Mrs. Derwin Davis as soon as possible.

You're serious?

Yes!

Well, damn, Mrs. Derwin Davis,

get your fat ass over here. Come on.

-(shrieking): We're getting married! -Come on!

(both laughing)

Yay.

-What's up, Malik? -Oh, what's up, partner?

-Everything's everything. -I hear you, brother.

Oh, my God, my first industry party.

-Do I look okay? -Yeah, you're good, babe.

I'm so nervous. I don't even know what to...

* Say, can you see...

Pucci, stop it.

Damn it, little girl, what the hell are you doing?

Same thing as Tee Tee.

* Yeah, It's T-double on the M-I-C *

* You ain't seen a premature baby raw as me *

-* I work for... -Tee Tee!

Get your ass over here.

Hold this. Don't drink. Don't drink.

That's why I make his ass sleep in a bathtub.

RONNIE: 'Sup, bitches?

Ah, what's up, Ronnie?

-Money-making Malik. -How you livin', brother?

Like the King of Siam, brother.

-Tee Tee. -Ray Ray.

I ain't seen you at the meetings lately.

You know, I've been doing my own thing.

-For real? -Yeah.

That's what's up.

Take me with you, dawg.

So how's that "$40 Million" joint coming?

You know, working on a remix.

"Hundred Million."

Right, right. Maybe you should put Shaq on that.

(laughing)

No, no, no.

I actually want this other dude.

What was his name again?

Oh, yeah, Jay-Z.

(laughing)

So, this is your sister.

What?

Pucci, this is Ronnie Dawson.

Grammy Award-winning,

platinum-selling producer Ronnie Dawson.

This is the championship ring-wearing,

MVP Award-winning, minimum wage-paying...

Tee Tee, excuse you, boy.

This is about Pucci, okay?

So, man, like I was saying,

this is the girl I was telling you about, brother.

She can really blow.

I'm sure she can.

But that's gonna have to wait,

because it's about to be penny-dropping time up in here.

Penny-dropping time?

Dawg, wait a minute.

It's 10:00, man.

Won't drop pennies in my crib till 1:00.

1:00?

What kind of Mickey Mouse operation

are you running over there, man?

Don't worry about my operation, all right, Ro?

Just check her out.

* Oh, help me

* Hold me

* Can't seem to make up my mind *

* Can we maybe

* Just take a little more time? *

* Mm, mm, mm.

(doorbell rings, knocking)

Hello, Dr. Barnett.

Do you think we can talk?

No.

(doorbell rings, knocking)

Sir, it's kind of cold out here.

As you can see, I'm dressed for San Diego.

Perhaps you should go back there.

Please, sir.

What do you want, Derwin?

I was thinking

we could talk man to man.

-Why? -Look, Dr. Barnett, I know you're not very fond of me,

and I can't say that I blame you.

I just want to say thank you

for allowing Melanie to make her own decisions.

I know it must have been tough for you to accept

us getting back together given our history

with me not playing, the injury and all.

Not to mention the baby.

But with all that being said,

Melanie and I-- we love each other.

And I promise you, sir,

I'm going to take care of your daughter

and be the best husband that I can be.

So, do we have your blessing?

Melanie's pregnant?

Huh? Wha-what? No!

Melanie's not pregnant.

My ex-girlfriend Janay is.

Melanie and I just want to get married.

How is this happening? I thought she got rid of you.

Ow!

Grace!

Oh, I got it. I got it.

How dare you.

You get some hoochie-coochie pregnant,

and you have the nerve to come here

and ask for our daughter's hand in marriage?

Hey, I'm sorry.

I thought she told you we got back together already.

Hey!

Ma, come on now, you got to give me a heads-up

before you do that.

Look, Mrs. Barnett, I might have deserved the first one,

-but the second slap... -Cameron.

Oh, damn!

Yeah, I got that one.

Get out.

Hey, yo, Derwin man, stay classy.

Oh, oh, oh!

Standing O.

Bravo, fan lady. Bravo, I say.

Sold, Malik.

Come on, dude.

-Wait, wait, wait. -It doesn't get any better than that, man.

Wait, no.

Let me see the balloon chick again.

Oh, you can't. She didn't bring any spare balloons.

What?! Man, this is crazy.

I can't plan a bar bachelor party in one damn week.

Being the best man is hella pressure.

It would be, except I'm the best man.

No, pig, I'm the best man.

Um, did Ding-Dong knock on your door,

force you to pray with him, ask you to be his best man,

and then cry when you reluctantly said yes?

Derwin's a douche.

Speaking of which,

bring me out some fresh gals.

And why ain't there no sisters in this bunch?

Huh, Jason? They like to get naked, too.

It's true.

Tee Tee, get on that, please.

Hey, speaking of getting on sisters, where's yours?

I don't know if you know this,

but I am on the prowl.

Your old ass don't need to know.

Whoo-hoo, what's up with the attitude, mister?

I thought I was talking to Malik Wright,

self-proclaimed woman-smasher- thrasher and masher.

Don't forget flasher and wedding crasher.

Tee Tee, that was your cue to laugh, partner.

Oh, uh... Ha!

And your sister took your Ferrari.

That's your cue to laugh.

Wow,

you got your 19-year-old sister out on some strange town

that has a naval base during Fleet Week. Noice.

Uh, Tee Tee, phone me.

By the way, I switched "thrasher" to "haberdasher."

Sounds classier, right?

Definitely sounds less rapey.

Right. Classy.

Yo, Pucci, where you at?

(slurring): Who wants to know?

What? Girl, where you at?

More importantly, where's my car at?

It's cool, Malik. I'm at Ronnie's.

Ronnie's?

What you doing at Ronnie's, Pucci? Come home now.

Oh, please, you are not my father.

Okay, you know that damn car

that your little ass is driving?

I'm its father, so bring its ass home now.

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want me to drive drunk.

Drunk? Pucci, you 19.

Don't worry. Someone gave me a aspirin.

At least I think it was an aspirin.

I wasn't sure, so I took another

pill that looked more aspirin-y.

So I feel fine.

Uh, just in time for panty-dropping time.

(both giggle)

Oh, Lord.

Pucci... Um, get the car.

Yeah, let me tell you something, buddy.

Karma is a fat bitch.

Too soon.

Am I right, stripper?

Mm...

*

MAN: That's what I'm talking about.

Yo, man, back your ass up, dawg.

Pucci, what the hell is wrong with you?!

Let's go! Pull your shirt down.

No, that's my new single.

We're gonna shoot the video tonight.

Well, your ass ain't gonna be in the video, Pucci.

Yo, hold on, man.

Man, you need to fall back!

I'm not going anywhere.

You're not the boss of me.

You're barely my brother.

Pucci, don't test me. Let's go.

These are my friends!

This is Kenny.

Tim.

Tim. And you know Ronnie.

I said let's go.

Yo, yo, yo, man, what's up with the manhandling?

What you mean, "What's up?" dawg?

I'm taking my sister. Now fall your ass back.

But doesn't look like she wants to go.

You want to go, Pucc?

No.

There you go.

Hey, uh, who's up for some magic, huh?

Hold up. You doing magic now?

Yeah, I told you

I'm doing my own thing now.

(clears throat)

If Ronnie D will join me,

I'm gonna make this pencil disappear.

I'll make it disappear up your ass.

Oh, so you already know this trick, huh?

If you and me gotta go at it, then let's go at it, Ronnie.

Really?

Malik.

You called the Code Blue?

Yeah, man, back at the house.

I had a feeling something might end up in my ass.

TASHA: Malik, get out of here.

I don't give a damn about my Code Blue, okay?

This is about my sister.

I can handle this bitch-ass producer.

Look, but the Malik Wright

franchise can't.

You in the middle

of a hundred-million- dollar deal. Think!

Michael Vick, Pacman Jones.

Better listen to your mommy, Malik.

(chuckles)

Please.

Yo, baby boy...

get out of here.

Let me handle it.

Hmm. Yeah, so, uh, I'm gonna go, too, fellas.

And I'm taking Pucci with me.

She's done playing rock star.

Now hold on. I done spent two hours making her that beat,

and time is money.

You know what?

Why don't I just pay you for your little time,

and we can get on our way, huh?

Please, lady, don't nobody want your little money.

Now it's almost about to be

panty-dropping time up in here,

so unless you ready to hand over yours,

I suggest you hit the door... Ma.

Looky here, Ronald Terrance Dawson,

Princeton class of '02, son of Mildred, Lester,

2667 Hollow Lane, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Now we can either do this LaTasha's way,

or we can do it Pookie's way.

And if we do it Pookie's way,

then nobody in here has a good day.

And Pookie likes having good days.

Handle that.

Damn, Ronnie, man, that's Pookie from Richmond.

Look, I'm not sayin' I'm scared.

All I'm sayin' is... that's Pookie from Richmond.

Gentlemen.

You know you fired, right? (chuckles)

(door opens)

Hey, my fiancé's home.

Just in time to help.

Yeah.

My God, Derwin, what happened?!

Your mother happened.

Wait. What?

Man, that woman slapped me

-in the face, like, 12 times! -Okay, wait.

Derwin, where did you see my mother?

At her house.

You went to Connecticut?

-Yeah. -For what?!

To ask your father for your hand in marriage,

and your moms, like, ran up on me and jacked me!

Oh, God. Okay, Derwin, Derwin, how could you go

to my parents without telling me?

Because, Melanie, I was trying

to surprise you.

And imagine my surprise,

your parents didn't even know we were back together.

All right, baby, just let me...

No, Mel, get off!

Face hurts.

I mean, like, for real, Melanie,

how can you not tell your parents about us?

Oh, my God, Derwin,

what was I supposed to tell them, huh?

"Well, um, I know we broke up

"because he slept with Drew Sidora.

"But then, then I took him back because he's just so cute.

"But then he got another woman pregnant

"while I was dating Jerome, who I know you guys love

and bought a set of matching towels for"?

Come on. Be chill, be cool with that Jerome stuff.

"But then

"Derwin beat him up in the bathroom,

"so I took Derwin back, but then we broke up again

"while I was dating this doctor,

"who I know you guys probably would have loved,

"although, he's socially retarded.

And now Derwin and I, we want to get married"?

Whatever, Melanie.

Uh! Okay, who's running away now, Derwin?!

Uh! All right, fine,

you can (growls) all you want to!

My God, Derwin, I'll just be out here

finishing the place cards to our wedding!

Yeah, you do that.

All right.

(panting)

(sighs)

Who's "Vinnie Landros"?

The doorman.

Mm.

(sighs)

Look, Derwin, my parents may never accept you.

Aw, gee, thanks, Mel.

(voice breaking): But I don't care.

Good, 'cause next time I'll slap 'em back.

(gasps softly)

Where you going?

Hey, Dad, it's me.

(scoffs) Yeah, I know.

What?

(scoffs)

Hey, Mom.

Look,

Derwin and I,

we are getting married next Sunday, 2:00

at Tasha's house.

Malik's mom?

The one I was living with.

Yes, "pow-pow-pow."

Look, um, I would really, really want you guys to be there.

Okay, you know what? You know what?! Fine!

Fine, then don't come!

But guess what?

There will be a wedding with or without you!

You okay?

Yeah.

We're getting married!

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