Original subtitles

KELLY: * Landlord's knocking at my door... *

(Kelly humming tune, vacuum cleaner whirring)

* I'm gonna fix tomorrow, too

* Yes, today's still a mess

* Can you tell me, what's the point now? *

* It all seems meaningless *

(humming)

* And breathe

* Swallow me

(humming)

* Hey, hey...

Hi, Kelly!

(laughing) Oh, my God!

(laughing): Oh, that was not funny!

Oh, I'd have to disagree and say that it was.

Yeah, you exploded like a zit!

Ehh! Nice work, champion.

I will see you at the game on Saturday?

Yeah? I want you to bring the heat, okay?

Booty bump.

Love you.

(sighs): Ah. How was your weekend?

It was cool. It was good.

Listen, uh, about Saturday's game,

I wanted to run something by you.

I'm... I'm thinking it's time that, uh,

Brittany met Camille.

Why?

Is she dying?

Come on, Kelly, I'm trying to be respectful

of your feelings here.

I appreciate that, Jason.

I'm just surprised you'd want your daughter

to meet some woman you're casually dating.

Well, it's not really that casual.

Oh.

(laughs): Oh, well, I'm just surprised

you'd want your daughter to meet some woman

that you're not casually dating

before you even told her that you're dating someone

on the basis that's not casual.

Weird.

Come on, Kel, I'm not gonna bring Bri

around some random chick.

I mean, not on purpose.

I just figure

at the soccer game it'll be less formal, you know?

But if you're not comfortable with it,

it's cool, we don't have to do it.

(laughs) I'm completely comfortable with it.

Of course! Of course you should invite her.

Okay.

Hey, bring all your chicks.

All my chicks.

There's just the one.

We'll see you there.

I can't wait.

Okay.

Mmm...

That's easy. (laughs)

Strawberry. Okay.

Want something a little harder? Mm-hmm.

(laughs)

Put your tongue out.

Mmm...

Honey.

Damn, you're good.

I am good. (laughs)

All right.

Open wide.

(spits) Complex carbs!

That's my girl!

You're probably gonna wanna do a couple crunches

to work off that honey. Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.

Okay, no! We gotta put things away before Brittany gets home.

And you, mister, have got to get out of here.

Why can't I just hang out and meet her?

What's the big deal?

God, why does everyone want to meet Brittany all of a sudden?

She's really not that interesting.

Well, we've been together longer than Jason and that reporter chick.

Okay, well, you know what?

Jason can do what he wants,

but I'm not the kind of parent that's gonna bring

some random, fly-by-night guy I'm doing around my kid.

What about me?

(shrieks) Come on!

Roman, look, I promise you I will introduce you to her

when the time is right.

(whispers): Promise?

Yeah. Okay.

Now, let's get cleaned up. No...

I gotta get this whipped cream out of me

before it turns to butter.

Will you hurry up, Med School?

'Cause if I don't come home with some Loubous,

you coming home with some boo-boos.

Look, I promise,

I'm only gonna try on this one dress

and then it can be all about you, as usual.

That's right, it's The Tasha Mack Show.

All Tasha, all the time.

You just the guest star.

(chuckles)

Well...

what do you think?

(squealing)

(both squealing)

Girl, you look beautiful.

Now, you sure you need to be wearing white?

'Cause, I mean, the way you been bed-hopping all year,

I think you should go with a off-white.

Or penicillin blue.

So, uh, what color did you wear to your wedding?

Oh, wait, you never had one.

Oh, okay, nice move, Grasshopper.

(both laughing)

Let me tell you, you are barely going to need

any alterations on this.

That does not happen.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not buying.

Well, I mean, not today.

This is just kind of a trial run.

You know, I've worked bridal for six years,

and for every one bride, there is one dress,

and that is your dress.

Oh, God,

it is perfect.

But, I mean, I can't buy the first dress I try on, right?

I mean, plus the wedding, it isn't until next spring, and...

I've always imagined this moment

in some fancy bridal salon in New York

sipping champagne with my mom.

Oh, she's not your mom?

Bitch! Do I look like I'm old enough to be her mama?

Look... (chuckles)

whatever your familial relationship is,

at this price,

this dress will be gone by the end of the weekend.

(exhales)

All right, Med School, look,

maybe the little pushy salesgirl's right.

I mean, what if this is your dress?

I'm gonna buy it for you.

What? Yeah!

How much is it?

Well, it is on sale for $15,000.

Ooh, okay, you know, on second thought,

why don't you just let your real mama get it for you?

All right? 'Cause this one don't like you that much.

So, go on, take it off.

All right, scoot, scoot.

Remember, Tasha Mack Show.

I can recast!

Go, Busy Bees!

Come on!

Go, Brittany!

Get the ball! Run! Come on!

Okay, okay. Okay, you got the ball!

Now, pass it!

Wait, no,

not to the other team.

All right, good effort, good effort.

I think they're really getting better.

Are we watching the same game?

Jason, you're supposed to be supportive.

Maybe you're too busy entertaining your guest.

Okay.

I thought you were cool with this.

And I am.

Kelly, you know, even though we only got to talk

for just a minute before the game,

Brittany seems like a very lovely girl.

She's not that great.

Right.

BRITTANY: Hey, did you see I almost scored a goal?

Oh, my God, I saw! Yeah, yeah!

Wow! Way to hustle, Brit Brat, Brit Brat.

You do understand this is an all-or-nothing type of situation, okay?

So an almost-goal means you get nothing, okay?

Well, you get an "A" for effort.

And you get an A-plus from Mommy!

Which, sadly, still puts zero on the scoreboard.

Let's not encourage failure.

But the other team has zero, too.

Oh, okay, so we're okay being a bunch of zeroes

running around out there?

Focus, Pitts, come on.

CAMILLE: You know, Brittany,

I've interviewed David Beckham a few times on my show.

Oh, well, his wife works out at my gym.

I've seen her naked.

Wow. you were saying,

Camille?

Just that Becks told me when he's facing

a really tough opponent, he focuses on looking

for a weakness in the other team's defense.

Yes! Or he fakes an injury

so he doesn't have to play. That's what he does!

Oh, yeah? Well, uh, Victoria told me it makes her uncomfortable

when people stare at her in the shower.

(whistle blows)

Okay, get back out there! Let's go!

Kick some Lady Bug butt! Let's go!

Whoo!

(laughs)

Okay.

I think you need

to chill out just a little bit.

KELLY: What? I'm chillin'.

I'm so chill, I'm icy.

You cut Camille off,

like, five times.

She has a talk show; she's used to it.

Hey,

Kel-Bop.

So, what's the score?

(sighs): Ah...

Hey.

(clears throat softly)

Ooh, that one has got to be your daughter. Roman,

what are you doing here?

Well, I was just in the neighborhood,

and I thought I'd stop by.

Oh.

Go, Brittany!

Whoa! Yeah!

You just happened to have that sign in your car?

Well, you know, I like to travel with a piece of cardboard

and a few extra Sharpies.

That way you're always prepared

in case you wanna cheer or protest

or pick up a little extra spending money

at the bottom of the freeway ramp.

(laughing)

Oh! Hey, bro...

Remember me? I'm Roman.

Yeah, dude, I remember you.

I think last time I saw you, you were humping

the mother of my child in a bathroom?

Was that the taco stand or the gas station?

I'm talking about Malik's, man.

Oh, yeah. (sighs)

A gas station bathroom, Kelly?

Oh. At least you're keeping it classy.

Hey, don't judge me!

Oh, so, what? So, it's okay for you

to invite "Captain Caveman" to the game, but I gotta

clear it with you to bring Camille?

You heard him-- he was in the neighborhood!

He had spare cardboard.

(mimics Roman): Oh, I'm sure he did.

Too bad there's not a JumboTron for y'all to do it on.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I know, right?

Um, hello? Oh! Brittany's got the ball!

She's going for it! Oh!

(Kelly screams)

(cheering)

Goal...! Oh, my God!

They won! They won!

JASON: Come on, bring it in!

That's my baby! (yells)

Thanks for the tip.

Once I saw that the other team's fullback

was too busy picking a wedgie from her butt,

I just blew right past her.

Way to capitalize-- just make sure

when you shake the other team's hands

she doesn't slip you the stink palm.

I like you-- you're always thinking.

That's right.

MAN: Your daughter's awesome!

That's my daughter.

Come on, Brittany.

Mommy's gonna take you out to celebrate.

Yeah! Uh, for some victory ice cream-- my treat!

Yay!

Wait. Who's he?

Oh, baby, um, this is Mommy's friend, Roman.

Hi. He just happened to stop by.

Hey, as long as he's paying, I'm good.

Okay.

Later, Dad. Good job, baby girl. I'm proud of you.

Oh, bye, Chamomile.

Bye. It's Camille.

Her name's... It's Cami...

BOTH (chanting): Roman! Roman! Roman! Camille!

Roman!

ROMAN: All right!

Whoo! Roman!

(sighs)

May I help you? Oh... (laughs)

Uh, no, thanks, I'm fine.

I was actually just, um, checking the tulle

on the dresses back here.

Very nicely tulle'd.

I remember you.

You were here the other day trying on...

...this dress.

Well, that might've been the dress, but quite frankly,

it's hard for me to tell one white from another.

Gown. One white gown from another.

Ah.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have customers to assist.

Wait, wait, wait, well, I might be a customer.

I mean, I'm just not at the "buying a dress" stage. Yet.

See, we're still on the "nailing down a date" stage.

Mmm. Which is going to happen right after

the "My fiancé has his baby" stage.

It's complicated.

Well, complicated doesn't cover my car payment,

so... I'll see you.

Please don't take the dress.

WOMAN: Excuse me, miss,

can you help me, please?

Dawg, I told you the men's joint is down, not up.

I pressed down. No the hell you didn't!

Got me up in some girly- ass department store.

Boy, I'm itching to drop two large on some Ferragamo Nettos.

Uh, uh, four, please. Hold up!

Look at Bridezilla over there rocking a wedding gown.

What you talking about?

Uh, four, please.

Woman, didn't I tell you to hold on?! Damn!

Oh, God!

Dawg, look at girl Melanie over there.

What a sad sight. Melanie?

She getting her hopes all up on a dress she knows she can't afford.

How do you know what we can't afford?

Boy, please! Okay? Look at the ring you bought her.

Y'all broke, bro.

And trust me, man,

I know what it's like to be broke, okay?

I remember back in the day, all I could do was window shop.

Ding Dong, look at her.

OLD LADY: Excuse me!

Don't you hear us having a conversation?!

Maybe we should just take the stairs.

No. Like hell you will.

You've been interrupting me this whole time,

now you're going to the fourth floor.

Push the button. I voted for Obama!

I don't give a damn about that, woman!

I'm rich! I ain't for all them taxes.

Push the button!

Yo, yo, chill out, Angry Smurf.

I'm gonna call her and see what's up.

Why are you gonna call her?

It's embarrassing enough the girl can't afford

the dress she want, Derwin.

See? Man, she's over it.

She's putting it back.

It's just a dress, man.

Dawg, this is pitiful.

I might just drop a 20 right here in the elevator

and just pray to God the girl finds it on her way out.

All right, come on, Brittany, push through.

That-a-girl. All right!

Done! Now a couple fat burners and it'll be like

you never had that ice cream at all.

Hey, baby, why don't you run upstairs and hop in the shower?

I'll be up in a minute.

Thanks for the ice cream, Ro.

You're welcome, sweetie. Anytime.

(whispers): Anytime.

I think somebody's a fan of Roman's.

Did you hear that?

She called me "Ro."

You know, Roman, now that we're alone,

I'd like for you to explain to me

why you would show up at Brittany's game

when I told you that I wasn't ready for you to meet her?

Oh, easy, sweet cheeks.

What are you stressing for?

Everything went great.

She loves me.

Now, let's break out some strawberries and play... No,

there's no more strawberries.

I don't want her to love you.

I don't even want her to know you until I know how I feel...

and know where this thing with us is going.

Or not.

(clears throat) Listen, Kel,

we've been seeing each other for some time now, okay?

We've worked out together, slept together...

we've worked out while we slept together.

I mean, I don't know about you, but... I felt the burn.

Roman, I'm not ready to make this

a committed relationship.

Well, I think it's a little late for that.

I mean, I have feelings for you,

and I thought you had feelings for me.

Especially after what happened in the bathroom

at the engagement party-- I mean, come on.

I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy that, but...

But what?

Oh, but that was about making your ex jealous?

'Cause if that's what this is about, you are playing

with the wrong dude. This isn't about Jason.

Really, Kel-Bop? 'Cause I'm thinking it does.

Will you please stop calling me that?

That's why you've been giving me the runaround,

and unless I'm burning calories, I don't run--

especially for some chick!

Oh, now I'm just "some chick"?

Roman, I'm not giving you the runaround.

I'm just... not feeling it between us.

Huh, you seemed to be feeling it when I was giving it to you

in the Porta Potti at Paco's Tacos.

You know what, Roman?

I'd like you to leave.

You want me to leave your life or your house?

Both.

(chuckles) This is how you treat a guy

who shells out his hard-earned cash and breaks his diet

for your spoiled little bratty kid?

Get out of my house. No, you don't just dump me.

Let go of my arm! God, why are you being such an ass?!

Why are you being such a bitch?!

What the hell's going on?

Oh, hey, we're just having ourselves

a little private conversation.

Really? That's not what my daughter said.

Yeah, well, screw your daughter.

(grunt) (Brittany screams)

BRITTANY: Daddy!

Come on, Pitts! Get up!

Oh, my nose!

Get the hell out of my house, man!

Get the hell out of my house, or I swear to God, I will kill you!

This isn't over!

Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm good, everything's good.

(panting): You did the right thing calling me, Brittany.

Baby, I am so sorry.

Jason, thank you.

Look, I'm gonna go make sure he's gone.

You guys lock up the house and turn on the alarm just in case, all right?

Okay. But, Daddy,

what if he comes back to get us?

Baby, he is not coming back.

Please, Daddy! Please!

Please, don't go. Look, it's okay.

I'm not... Okay, I'm not going anywhere. All right?

Hey!

Hey!

Baby girl,

you are right on time,

'cause dinner is almost ready.

Okay, well, since you're doing the "cooking,"

how about I set the table?

No, no, no, no, no. Mm-mm.

I see my fiancée's all tired from a long week of studying,

so tonight is on me.

Oh. In fact...

why don't you take yourself into the bedroom,

slip off that fine-ass dress,

(laughs) and get comfortable?

Okay.

Well, it ain't the dress that makes this ass fine.

Ah, don't hurt 'em.

(radio playing song) Oh, my God!

(squeals)

Derwin?!

How did you know?

Did... did Tasha tell you?

Tasha? Yeah?

Girl, please, ain't nobody talking to no Tasha.

Me and Malik was in the store today

when we saw you fall in love with that dress.

So, I waited till you were gone

and I swooped in for the sale.

(laughs)

Derwin...

that is the sweetest,

most generous thing in the world.

(laughs)

Baby, I love you.

Mwa. And...

I love this dress.

But too bad I can't keep it.

What?!

Baby... you've seen it.

I mean, that's bad luck.

I'm not taking any chances

losing the love of my life.

Come on, baby girl, you're not gonna lose me!

Well, not if I don't wear this dress.

(sighs) Derwin,

just the fact that you did this,

that's why I love you.

(laughs)

Come on, I mean, don't look so disappointed.

Honestly, I mean, honestly,

I really wasn't ready to buy a dress.

I mean, I really wanted to take my time

and go shopping with my mom like I've always dreamed.

So, see?

You're my hero! Ow!

Kimbo Slice!

Fine, I'll take it back.

All right, but you are gonna take the money

that I get, and you're gonna buy yourself something nice.

'Cause I don't want you making anymore sacrifices for me, okay?

Okay.

Promise me?

I promise.

That's my girl.

(sighs): Damn.

This must be my lucky day.

I mean, first I find a 20 in the elevator, and now this?

Everything's coming up Melanie! (laughs)

Up top!

You are such a dork.

All right, give me a kiss.

Okay, always.

Oh, God, I love you.

I got your favorite.

(grunts)

How'd you sleep?

That bed in the guestroom is a chiropractor's dream.

I know. Remember you got it

so no one would wanna stay very long.

I am an evil genius. (laughs)

I, um, made you this shake to take to the gym.

Thank you.

What the hell is this thing?

Hey!

Perfect, as always.

Hey, um, thank you for last night. Come on.

Um... don't worry about it.

(clears throat)

Well, I gotta go. The guys are waiting

for me at the gym, so... Are you sure

you don't want to stay for some breakfast?

I don't know, what you got?

(cell phone rings) Oh, hold on.

Jason Pitts.

Hey, Camille.

No, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to call you, baby.

It was, uh, um, it's a long story.

I'll tell you later.

Okay. I gotta...

Yeah.

No, I gotta go to the gym.

If I don't go, I'm gonna get a fine.

Are you gonna make it worth my while?

(laughs): You're stupid.

(laughs)

Okay. All right.

(Jason chuckles, door closes)

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